February 6, 2025 • 27 mins
How often do we truly reflect on the support we provide to our partners, and would they see it the same way? Join me, Monique Simmons, as we explore these compelling questions and more in our latest episode, where we dive into the heart of what it means to be a supportive partner. We share insights on how to evaluate our roles in our relationships honestly and the transformative power of encouragement, practical help, and emotional presence. Together, we'll unravel the complexities of showing up for our partners and challenge ourselves to foster deeper, more meaningful connections.
This episode is an invitation to reassess and enhance the support systems within your relationships. By validating your partner's emotions and offering a helping hand when needed, you create a nurturing environment that strengthens your bond. We emphasize the importance of attentively listening and providing encouragement when the world feels overwhelming, ensuring your partner knows they are valued and loved. Let’s journey together to cultivate a mutual sense of belonging and capability, with practical steps to ensure your relationship thrives even through challenging times. Tune in to learn how these principles can transform your approach to love and partnership.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
what's up, guys?
Welcome to demo with mo.
I'm your host, monique simmons.
We'll be discussing dating,engaged and married objectives
from a young christian'sperspective.
Are you guys ready?
Let's dive in.
Hey, what's up, guys?
Welcome to a new episode ofDemo with Mo.
(00:28):
I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we are going to be
discussing ways to support yourpartner or spouse better.
To support someone in arelationship means to actively
encourage, help or stand by them, often by providing emotional
or practical assistance, showingapproval and believing in their
(00:51):
ability to succeed, especiallyduring challenging times.
Some key aspects of supportingone another.
So, when you think about yourrelationship with your partner,
someone you in a committedrelationship with your spouse,
if you're married when you thinkabout your support for one
(01:13):
another, how you show up for oneanother, how you show up for
them, how they show up for you,what does that look like?
What does that entail?
Do you do it well?
Do they do it well?
Do you feel like they supportyou?
Do they feel like you supportthem Because it's not about what
(01:33):
you think you do for them Doyou feel like you support them?
But how do they feel?
I had this conversation withsome of my group members in our
let's Talk Thursday live edition.
If you're listening to thislive, I had this conversation
with them last week and Iusually ask them some questions
(01:56):
before we dive into my researchon the topic.
I always ask them questionsaround the subject to get you
really thinking, becausesometimes you really can think
you're good, like if you'rehonest with yourself, like legit
.
If you're honest with yourself,you can think you're good,
you're in a really good place inyour relationship.
(02:17):
I got it all together.
But my partner is the issue.
My spouse is the problem.
They could be doing this better, they could be doing that
better.
But if you really take the timeto be honest with yourself, if
you really take the time to doself-evaluation, if you really
take the time to look atyourself in the mirror,
(02:39):
especially if you're a Christianor a believer if you get in
that real mirror in the word ofGod and compare yourself to what
the word says, you'll find outyou ain't all that.
So one of the questions that Iasked them.
I asked them Do you show up?
(03:19):
Do you show your partner oryour spouse the same, less or
more support than you show theother people in your life who
are close to you and you know,with that question, you know you
can, you can jump quick, youcan jump out there quick, yeah,
quick, yeah, man, I show, I showthem more or I show them the
same.
You know you can jump out therequick and think you all good.
But then I followed up with thatquestion with a second part
that will hit you in the gut.
(03:39):
You know, because it hit me inthe gut if, if I'm being
transparent, if I'm being honest, it hit me in the good and I'm
the one create the questions.
But something about me, I'mgoing to hold myself accountable
, I'm going to be honest, evenif it means calling myself out,
even if it means I'm going tohave to feel bad, even if it
(04:02):
means I got to correct somestuff, even if it means I got to
repent, I got to confess, I gotto change, I got to course
correct, I got to hit a 180,even if it means that, because I
don't want to stay the same, ifsomething that I'm doing, if a
way that I'm living, if a waythat I'm acting, if a way that
(04:24):
I'm treating my spouse, ifsomething I'm saying or
something I'm doing is not right, I want to change.
I don't want to stay the same.
So the second part to thatquestion was if they were here
meaning your partner or yourspouse, the person that you're
in a relationship with, becauseyou just answered this question
now if they were here would theyagree with your answer?
(04:48):
So if you said you support themmore than the people that are
close to you in your life, ifyour partner or your spouse was
right here sitting next to me,would they say oh yeah, that's
right, I agree with them.
They do show up for me morethan the people that's close to
them in their lives.
They show up more than theirfriends that they love so deeply
(05:12):
, more than that job that theyhold so closely, more than their
mama that they love, more thantheir favorite brother, their
favorite sister, more than theirgrandma, that grandma that
cooked them the meals they loveyour partner, your spouse, still
would agree.
And that's a gut check.
(05:33):
That thing, man, that thinggets you to thinking like, well,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
Let me not answer this questionso fast, let me not speak too
fast, because I don't know.
I really don't know if Isupport my spouse or my partner
as much as I think I do.
I don't know if I support themas much as I support the people
(05:56):
in my other people in my lifewho are close to me.
I don't know.
I want to, but maybe I don't.
Because what do they think?
Because it's not about what Ithink.
How does my partner or my spousefeel?
Let me ask them, let me checkin.
Well, baby, do you feel like Ishow up for you?
(06:18):
I support you more than otherpeople in my life.
Well, honey, do you feelsupported by me more than other
people in my life, or do I runat every chance to show up for
everybody else more than I showup for you?
It's a good check, but yougotta be honest with yourself
because you wanna take yourrelationship to another level.
(06:41):
Ways we can support our partnerand spouses better.
That's what this is all about.
So let's get into these keyaspects of supporting one
another.
What does this look like?
How can we do this better?
Because that's the whole pointof this conversation, the whole
point of today's episode, andI'm not going to keep you long
because it's practicalapplication.
(07:02):
What does this look like?
What can we do?
How do I do better?
Monique, if you punched me inthe gut earlier with that
question what can I do now?
One listening attentively.
This means giving someone yourfull focus when they need to
(07:24):
talk.
If your partner or your spouseneeds to talk to you, listen
attentively.
Don't be on your phone, don'tbe looking out in space, don't
be trying to watch TV, don't bepaying attention to the kids,
don't be doing everything else.
Listen attentively.
I just had this conversationwith my babies in my Sunday
(07:45):
school class.
I call them my teenagers.
They're not babies, they'reteenagers almost graduating high
school, about to be youngadults.
But I call them my babiesbecause they're my babies.
But I was talking to them aboutthis this past Sunday and I'm
teaching them.
I try to instill this in mykids.
I've been telling my kids thismy actual babies that I gave
(08:07):
birth to.
I've been trying to instillthis into them since they were
old enough to talk.
When you are talking to somebody, when someone is talking to you
, give them eye contact, look atthem, let them know you are
listening to them.
They have your attention andnot that you're looking anywhere
(08:30):
else.
If someone is talking to you,if you are talking to them, make
eye contact, Look them in theireyes, pay attention, give
someone your full focus Twooffering encouragement,
providing positive words andaffirmations to boost their
(08:51):
confidence.
If your partner or spouse needsyour support, offering
encouragement helps.
Sometimes somebody can be goingthrough a rough spot in their
life.
They're overwhelmed.
Things are heavy, a lot ofthings are going on.
They're down right now.
(09:11):
Provide positive words andaffirmations to boost their
confidence.
Remind them they're doing agreat job.
Remind them of who they areSometimes we forget.
Remind them of who they areSometimes we forget.
Sometimes the storms of life,what we're facing, what we're
going through.
We're getting beat up by theworld.
(09:32):
Lord knows we can be gettingbeat up.
We need to be reminded who weare, whose we are.
We need those positiveaffirmations.
We need those positive words.
We need to be reminded you gotthis.
I love you.
You are the best.
You can get through this.
You are a beautiful Black manWoman.
(09:53):
You are gorgeous, you arestrong, you are capable.
You can make it through this.
This is not the end.
This is not over for you.
You will overcome this.
I've seen you get throughharder things.
Boost their confidence, boosttheir confidence, and we need
the same thing.
So this is what I'm saying toyou is not one-sided.
(10:15):
This is not something youshould just be giving and not
receiving, but offerencouragement.
That confidence gives peoplethe boost they need.
We need that support and ifwe're not getting it from nobody
else, it should be the personthat we are in relationship with
, the person that we're doinglife, with the person that we
(10:37):
share a home, with the personthat we have kids, with the
person that we lay in bed atnight, with the person that
we've shared vows, with theperson that we have a covenant
before God with.
Offer one another encouragement.
Three validate their feelings.
(10:57):
Acknowledging and acceptingtheir emotions is legitimate.
You don't have to agree with it, you don't always have to
understand it, but acknowledgeit and accept it.
Their emotions are legitimate.
You don't have to feel whatthey feel, but they feel it.
(11:20):
Acknowledge that and accept itbecause it's legitimate If
they're hurt, if they're sad, ifthey're disappointed, if
they're afraid, if they're angry, if they're feeling broken,
angry if they're feeling broken.
Acknowledge that.
Accept that their emotions arelegitimate, just like yours are.
(11:52):
I acknowledge that you feelthat way.
I accept that you feel that way.
How you feel is legitimate.
You don't know how good thatfeels, even if you don't
understand it and don't agreewith it.
Just to tell somebody tovalidate someone's feelings that
feels so good on the other side, because you don't get that in
(12:13):
the world.
You don't get that out a lot oftimes outside of your home
unless you're dealing withpeople that love you, that
actually care about you, that'sconcerned about you.
You don't get that outside ofthat.
People validate your feelings.
People do everything butvalidate your feelings.
So validate your partner oryour spouse's feelings.
(12:36):
So validate your partner oryour spouse's feelings.
Number four providing practicalhelp, offering concrete
assistance with tasks orproblems they face.
Now, this one is a good one.
This is one that I do well, andsometimes too well, because,
going back to number one,listening attentively.
(13:00):
Sometimes you just need tolisten without offering or
providing practical help.
Sometimes people just want youto listen.
They don't want anything fromyou.
They don't want your answers.
They don't want you trying tofix their problems, figure it
out for them.
They literally just want you tolisten.
I don't need you to figure thisout for me.
I literally just want you tolisten.
I don't need you to figure thisout for me.
I don't want you to tell me theanswers.
(13:22):
I don't want any of that.
I just want you to listen, Ijust want you to listen, but
with this one, providingpractical help is needed.
Sometimes people do need help.
I'm overwhelmed, I need you tocome in and help me actually do
something.
So this one's offering concreteassistance with tasks or
(13:44):
problems they face.
So let's say I'm overwhelmed atwork and I need some help.
I'm having to work overtime,the load at work is heavy and I
have little kids.
They have after schoolactivities, they have to eat
dinner.
I have laundry.
I'm overwhelmed right now, butI can't do all that I have going
(14:06):
on at work.
This is what your partner oryour spouse is venting to you,
sharing with you, confiding inyou.
This is what they're tellingyou, like, this is where you can
actually provide practical help.
I'm not only venting, but I'msharing with you things that you
literally can take off my plate.
These are things where you canactually provide concrete
(14:29):
assistance.
You can help, you can dosomething.
You don't only have to listento me Because listen, listen to
what the person just said.
I'm overwhelmed at work, I havea lot on my plate.
I have to work overtime,meaning I'm going to have to
stay at work longer hours.
We have little kids.
They have afterschoolactivities, which means this
(14:54):
kids are going to have to be atschool longer hours, they need
to eat dinner and we also havelaundry.
So all of these things have toget done.
But this partner or spouse alsohas to be at work, so that mean
they can't be at two places atone time.
So this now opens the door,gives you the opportunity to
(15:15):
offer practical help.
So this is where you can stepin and say okay, I'll make sure
if I either can pick up the kidsor I'll make sure someone in
our village, in our community,can pick up the kids.
The kids will be taken care of,I'll get dinner cooked or
(15:35):
dinner will get picked up, willget takeout, and I'll make sure
the laundry is done.
All of these things will betaken off of your plate because
you already have work and workis overwhelmed.
You have to work overtime, soyou're going to be there extra
hours.
You can't do that, plus takecare of all the things that we
have at home.
So now I'm offering orproviding practical help to make
(16:01):
sure I'm supporting you so allof the things that you usually
would do gets done.
That's what supporting is.
I'm still making sure all ofthe things that needs to be get
done, gets done.
I'm not in this.
In this instance, I'm not justgoing to listen to you.
I'm not just going to listen toyou vent or hear your cry and
(16:24):
just be there and listenattentively or offer
encouragement.
But this is a time where I canactually step in and offer or
provide practical help.
This is where I can actually dosomething.
Boots to the ground.
How can I show up?
How can I support youpractically?
Number five being present,showing up for them physically
(16:49):
and emotionally when needed.
Okay, so this one is a littledifferent from providing
practical help.
Sometimes people just need youto be there, just being present.
I don't need you to offer anypractical help.
(17:12):
Sometimes I don't even need youto say anything.
I don't need you to have thenice special words or have the
answers or do anything.
I just need you to be present.
Sometimes I can be sooverwhelmed.
I just need to know I'm loved,I'm cared about, I'm seen.
(17:35):
You thought about me, you knowme, you hear me.
Just be present Emotionally,meaning if I do need to talk to
you, if I do need to reach out,if I do need to vent, I know
that you're going to be therefor me.
Even if I never do any of thesethings, it's the fact that I
(17:56):
know you're there for meemotionally.
I know if I need to reach out.
I know if I need youemotionally, I know you're there
, I know you're available.
I know you will support me.
I know you'll be there.
If I need to cry, you'll bethere for me.
If I just need to hold thephone in silence and I need you
(18:20):
to pray for me, because I can'teven pray for myself, I know
you'll be there for me.
That's showing up for meemotionally, being present
physically, if I need you tojust be here and not say a word,
just be in my presence,literally just be here with me,
sit on the couch with me, laywith me, rub my back, rub my
(18:44):
feet, wipe my tears, pray insilence, pray out loud.
Fix me a meal.
Be present with me physically.
I know you'll be there for me.
Fix me a meal, be present withme physically.
I know you'll be there for me.
Be in prison and I think thisone is underrated, because I
(19:12):
think we're in a society wherepeople always feel like they got
to say something or always feellike they got to have the right
words and they have to dosomething, or I always feel like
they got to have the rightwords and they have to do
something.
But sometimes your presence, itmeans so much, and that one, for
me personally, means a lot,because I don't.
(19:32):
I'm an assertive person.
I'm a type of person where if Ineed something done, I'm going
to just do it.
That's just who I am as aperson.
So a lot of things that I needdone, I just get done.
So sometimes, when I'moverwhelmed or life is life and
life is knocking me upside thehead or trying to, anyway, I'm
(19:54):
knowing that I have people in mylife who are present for me,
just being there, knowing thatthey are there, ready to be
there for me, emotionally,physically, whatever I need the
fact just knowing that they arepresent.
It means so much, even if Idon't need them to do anything.
(20:14):
The fact that they'll just hitme with a checking in on you
thought about you, you were onmy mind.
I know you got this going onand I know you good and I know
you're going to say you good,but I'm still checking in that
means everything to me.
It means everything.
So just being present withsomebody for somebody, for your
(20:39):
partner, for your spouse, bepresent, be present Again, so
underrated.
It's so underrated.
It's so underrated.
Be present, because you may bemarried to somebody or in a
relationship with somebody.
Don't always have the words,don't always talk about
(21:01):
everything they're going throughor they don't carry everything
like that.
Everything isn't alwaysoverwhelming or stressful, but
it still gets hard sometimes.
And just knowing you have apartner or a spouse that is
present for you if you need it,it matters, it means something.
(21:25):
Number six, last but not least,this one is good Respect their
boundaries.
Respect R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Find out what it means to me.
R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Okay, okay, okay, Understandingtheir needs and not pushing
them beyond their comfort zone.
(21:49):
So my husband and I are verydifferent, very different,
especially when it comes todealing with things in our life.
When stuff happens, when we'reoverwhelmed, when we're stressed
or when life is just lifinglife just lifing when we need
(22:10):
support from one another.
We just have very differentways of dealing with it.
I'm a person very direct, verylet's talk about it.
Let's deal with it.
Let's face it head on.
Let's go ahead and knock thisthing out.
What is it?
Let's come up with a solution.
Let's deal with it.
Let's face this thing.
(22:30):
My husband is the completeopposite.
Let me sit with this thing fora minute.
Let me dwell with it.
I may come back in a few daysand be ready to talk about it.
I'm not like that, but I also,in my maturity and in my wisdom
and being married as long aswe've been married, I had to
learn he doesn't have to dothings the way that I have to do
(22:53):
them and I don't have to dothings the way that he doesn't.
But we've also had to learn howto compromise as well.
He can't stay dwelling as longas he used to dwell, and I can't
push him into being ready totalk when I'm ready to talk and
deal with things.
So we've also had to learn howto compromise.
(23:14):
But we have to respect oneanother's boundaries.
We can't push our partners orour spouses beyond their comfort
zone If they're not comfortablewith doing things a certain way
, the way that you do them.
You have to respect that.
You can't make people do stuffthe way that you want them to do
(23:35):
it and vice versa.
You have to respect theirboundaries.
That's how you support someone.
Support them in doing thingsthe way that works for them, in
a healthy way.
Now don't hear me out ofcontext.
Don't take this somewhere thatI ain't taking it in a healthy,
(23:57):
in a healthy, in a healthy way.
If what they're doing ishealthy, if it's not hurting the
relationship or hurting themarriage and it's just a way
that works for them, that's morecomfortable for them, support
them in that.
And if you guys need tocompromise like my husband and I
(24:20):
had to compromise on how wedeal with things do that, but
support them.
Don't the way to not supportthem and vice versa, the way for
them not to support you istrying to make them come over to
your side, or you trying tomake them come out, or them
trying to make you come over toyour side, or you trying to make
them come over, or them tryingto make you come over to their
side.
That's not supporting them.
(24:42):
Respect their boundaries andthey have to respect your
boundaries as well.
Okay, okay.
So those are our key aspects ofsupporting one another.
I'm curious how did you guys dowith those six key aspects?
(25:05):
Are you guys doing well in eachof those areas?
In those six areas, are youknocking this thing out the park
?
Oh, yeah, I support my partnervery well in each of those areas
.
I'm doing great.
I'm killing it or is there roomfor growth?
I could be doing better in afew of those areas or in all of
these areas I could be doingbetter.
(25:27):
There's room for growth in allof these areas, or maybe like
one or two I could grow, but inmost of these I'm doing great.
Or there was a time in mymarriage or my relationship
where I wasn't doing any ofthese wills, but I've seen
significant growth in these pastfew years.
I'm curious where are you?
Let me know in the comments oftoday's episode.
(25:50):
Let me know.
Let me know where are you.
And I do have some homework foryou guys.
I have a quote unquoteassignment.
I would love for you guys to doParticipate with this for me In
today's episode.
In the show notes you will seeright at the top it says send me
a message.
(26:10):
If you send me a message andlet me know what you thought
about today's episode, how areyou doing with these six key
aspects when you are room forgrowth, doing great, killing it
could do better Let me know.
It sends a text messagedirectly to me.
It only comes to me.
I would love to see where youare and I will shout you out on
(26:34):
the next episode Totallyanonymous, unless you don't want
it that way, but I will shoutyou out and I would love to hear
from you.
I would love to hear from you.
So I hope you have enjoyedtoday's episode.
I will talk to you guys nextweek.
Remember, I love you, but Godloves you.
Bye, I hope you guys haveenjoyed.
(27:03):
Follow me on Facebook.
At Demo with Mo.
If you have any questions youwould like answered here live on
my podcast, email them to me.
At Demo with Mo.
At gmailcom.
That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O.
At gmailcom.
That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O.
At gmailcom.
what's up, guys?
Welcome to demo with mo.
I'm your host, monique simmons.
We'll be discussing dating,engaged and married objectives
from a young christian'sperspective.
Are you guys ready?
Let's dive in.
Hey, what's up, guys?
Welcome to a new episode ofDemo with Mo.
(00:28):
I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we are going to be
discussing ways to support yourpartner or spouse better.
To support someone in arelationship means to actively
encourage, help or stand by them, often by providing emotional
or practical assistance, showingapproval and believing in their
(00:51):
ability to succeed, especiallyduring challenging times.
Some key aspects of supportingone another.
So, when you think about yourrelationship with your partner,
someone you in a committedrelationship with your spouse,
if you're married when you thinkabout your support for one
(01:13):
another, how you show up for oneanother, how you show up for
them, how they show up for you,what does that look like?
What does that entail?
Do you do it well?
Do they do it well?
Do you feel like they supportyou?
Do they feel like you supportthem Because it's not about what
(01:33):
you think you do for them Doyou feel like you support them?
But how do they feel?
I had this conversation withsome of my group members in our
let's Talk Thursday live edition.
If you're listening to thislive, I had this conversation
with them last week and Iusually ask them some questions
(01:56):
before we dive into my researchon the topic.
I always ask them questionsaround the subject to get you
really thinking, becausesometimes you really can think
you're good, like if you'rehonest with yourself, like legit
.
If you're honest with yourself,you can think you're good,
you're in a really good place inyour relationship.
(02:17):
I got it all together.
But my partner is the issue.
My spouse is the problem.
They could be doing this better, they could be doing that
better.
But if you really take the timeto be honest with yourself, if
you really take the time to doself-evaluation, if you really
take the time to look atyourself in the mirror,
(02:39):
especially if you're a Christianor a believer if you get in
that real mirror in the word ofGod and compare yourself to what
the word says, you'll find outyou ain't all that.
So one of the questions that Iasked them.
I asked them Do you show up?
(03:19):
Do you show your partner oryour spouse the same, less or
more support than you show theother people in your life who
are close to you and you know,with that question, you know you
can, you can jump quick, youcan jump out there quick, yeah,
quick, yeah, man, I show, I showthem more or I show them the
same.
You know you can jump out therequick and think you all good.
But then I followed up with thatquestion with a second part
that will hit you in the gut.
(03:39):
You know, because it hit me inthe gut if, if I'm being
transparent, if I'm being honest, it hit me in the good and I'm
the one create the questions.
But something about me, I'mgoing to hold myself accountable
, I'm going to be honest, evenif it means calling myself out,
even if it means I'm going tohave to feel bad, even if it
(04:02):
means I got to correct somestuff, even if it means I got to
repent, I got to confess, I gotto change, I got to course
correct, I got to hit a 180,even if it means that, because I
don't want to stay the same, ifsomething that I'm doing, if a
way that I'm living, if a waythat I'm acting, if a way that
(04:24):
I'm treating my spouse, ifsomething I'm saying or
something I'm doing is not right, I want to change.
I don't want to stay the same.
So the second part to thatquestion was if they were here
meaning your partner or yourspouse, the person that you're
in a relationship with, becauseyou just answered this question
now if they were here would theyagree with your answer?
(04:48):
So if you said you support themmore than the people that are
close to you in your life, ifyour partner or your spouse was
right here sitting next to me,would they say oh yeah, that's
right, I agree with them.
They do show up for me morethan the people that's close to
them in their lives.
They show up more than theirfriends that they love so deeply
(05:12):
, more than that job that theyhold so closely, more than their
mama that they love, more thantheir favorite brother, their
favorite sister, more than theirgrandma, that grandma that
cooked them the meals they loveyour partner, your spouse, still
would agree.
And that's a gut check.
(05:33):
That thing, man, that thinggets you to thinking like, well,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
Let me not answer this questionso fast, let me not speak too
fast, because I don't know.
I really don't know if Isupport my spouse or my partner
as much as I think I do.
I don't know if I support themas much as I support the people
(05:56):
in my other people in my lifewho are close to me.
I don't know.
I want to, but maybe I don't.
Because what do they think?
Because it's not about what Ithink.
How does my partner or my spousefeel?
Let me ask them, let me checkin.
Well, baby, do you feel like Ishow up for you?
(06:18):
I support you more than otherpeople in my life.
Well, honey, do you feelsupported by me more than other
people in my life, or do I runat every chance to show up for
everybody else more than I showup for you?
It's a good check, but yougotta be honest with yourself
because you wanna take yourrelationship to another level.
(06:41):
Ways we can support our partnerand spouses better.
That's what this is all about.
So let's get into these keyaspects of supporting one
another.
What does this look like?
How can we do this better?
Because that's the whole pointof this conversation, the whole
point of today's episode, andI'm not going to keep you long
because it's practicalapplication.
(07:02):
What does this look like?
What can we do?
How do I do better?
Monique, if you punched me inthe gut earlier with that
question what can I do now?
One listening attentively.
This means giving someone yourfull focus when they need to
(07:24):
talk.
If your partner or your spouseneeds to talk to you, listen
attentively.
Don't be on your phone, don'tbe looking out in space, don't
be trying to watch TV, don't bepaying attention to the kids,
don't be doing everything else.
Listen attentively.
I just had this conversationwith my babies in my Sunday
(07:45):
school class.
I call them my teenagers.
They're not babies, they'reteenagers almost graduating high
school, about to be youngadults.
But I call them my babiesbecause they're my babies.
But I was talking to them aboutthis this past Sunday and I'm
teaching them.
I try to instill this in mykids.
I've been telling my kids thismy actual babies that I gave
(08:07):
birth to.
I've been trying to instillthis into them since they were
old enough to talk.
When you are talking to somebody, when someone is talking to you
, give them eye contact, look atthem, let them know you are
listening to them.
They have your attention andnot that you're looking anywhere
(08:30):
else.
If someone is talking to you,if you are talking to them, make
eye contact, Look them in theireyes, pay attention, give
someone your full focus Twooffering encouragement,
providing positive words andaffirmations to boost their
(08:51):
confidence.
If your partner or spouse needsyour support, offering
encouragement helps.
Sometimes somebody can be goingthrough a rough spot in their
life.
They're overwhelmed.
Things are heavy, a lot ofthings are going on.
They're down right now.
(09:11):
Provide positive words andaffirmations to boost their
confidence.
Remind them they're doing agreat job.
Remind them of who they areSometimes we forget.
Remind them of who they areSometimes we forget.
Sometimes the storms of life,what we're facing, what we're
going through.
We're getting beat up by theworld.
(09:32):
Lord knows we can be gettingbeat up.
We need to be reminded who weare, whose we are.
We need those positiveaffirmations.
We need those positive words.
We need to be reminded you gotthis.
I love you.
You are the best.
You can get through this.
You are a beautiful Black manWoman.
(09:53):
You are gorgeous, you arestrong, you are capable.
You can make it through this.
This is not the end.
This is not over for you.
You will overcome this.
I've seen you get throughharder things.
Boost their confidence, boosttheir confidence, and we need
the same thing.
So this is what I'm saying toyou is not one-sided.
(10:15):
This is not something youshould just be giving and not
receiving, but offerencouragement.
That confidence gives peoplethe boost they need.
We need that support and ifwe're not getting it from nobody
else, it should be the personthat we are in relationship with
, the person that we're doinglife, with the person that we
(10:37):
share a home, with the personthat we have kids, with the
person that we lay in bed atnight, with the person that
we've shared vows, with theperson that we have a covenant
before God with.
Offer one another encouragement.
Three validate their feelings.
(10:57):
Acknowledging and acceptingtheir emotions is legitimate.
You don't have to agree with it, you don't always have to
understand it, but acknowledgeit and accept it.
Their emotions are legitimate.
You don't have to feel whatthey feel, but they feel it.
(11:20):
Acknowledge that and accept itbecause it's legitimate If
they're hurt, if they're sad, ifthey're disappointed, if
they're afraid, if they're angry, if they're feeling broken,
angry if they're feeling broken.
Acknowledge that.
Accept that their emotions arelegitimate, just like yours are.
(11:52):
I acknowledge that you feelthat way.
I accept that you feel that way.
How you feel is legitimate.
You don't know how good thatfeels, even if you don't
understand it and don't agreewith it.
Just to tell somebody tovalidate someone's feelings that
feels so good on the other side, because you don't get that in
(12:13):
the world.
You don't get that out a lot oftimes outside of your home
unless you're dealing withpeople that love you, that
actually care about you, that'sconcerned about you.
You don't get that outside ofthat.
People validate your feelings.
People do everything butvalidate your feelings.
So validate your partner oryour spouse's feelings.
(12:36):
So validate your partner oryour spouse's feelings.
Number four providing practicalhelp, offering concrete
assistance with tasks orproblems they face.
Now, this one is a good one.
This is one that I do well, andsometimes too well, because,
going back to number one,listening attentively.
(13:00):
Sometimes you just need tolisten without offering or
providing practical help.
Sometimes people just want youto listen.
They don't want anything fromyou.
They don't want your answers.
They don't want you trying tofix their problems, figure it
out for them.
They literally just want you tolisten.
I don't need you to figure thisout for me.
I literally just want you tolisten.
I don't need you to figure thisout for me.
I don't want you to tell me theanswers.
(13:22):
I don't want any of that.
I just want you to listen, Ijust want you to listen, but
with this one, providingpractical help is needed.
Sometimes people do need help.
I'm overwhelmed, I need you tocome in and help me actually do
something.
So this one's offering concreteassistance with tasks or
(13:44):
problems they face.
So let's say I'm overwhelmed atwork and I need some help.
I'm having to work overtime,the load at work is heavy and I
have little kids.
They have after schoolactivities, they have to eat
dinner.
I have laundry.
I'm overwhelmed right now, butI can't do all that I have going
(14:06):
on at work.
This is what your partner oryour spouse is venting to you,
sharing with you, confiding inyou.
This is what they're tellingyou, like, this is where you can
actually provide practical help.
I'm not only venting, but I'msharing with you things that you
literally can take off my plate.
These are things where you canactually provide concrete
(14:29):
assistance.
You can help, you can dosomething.
You don't only have to listento me Because listen, listen to
what the person just said.
I'm overwhelmed at work, I havea lot on my plate.
I have to work overtime,meaning I'm going to have to
stay at work longer hours.
We have little kids.
They have afterschoolactivities, which means this
(14:54):
kids are going to have to be atschool longer hours, they need
to eat dinner and we also havelaundry.
So all of these things have toget done.
But this partner or spouse alsohas to be at work, so that mean
they can't be at two places atone time.
So this now opens the door,gives you the opportunity to
(15:15):
offer practical help.
So this is where you can stepin and say okay, I'll make sure
if I either can pick up the kidsor I'll make sure someone in
our village, in our community,can pick up the kids.
The kids will be taken care of,I'll get dinner cooked or
(15:35):
dinner will get picked up, willget takeout, and I'll make sure
the laundry is done.
All of these things will betaken off of your plate because
you already have work and workis overwhelmed.
You have to work overtime, soyou're going to be there extra
hours.
You can't do that, plus takecare of all the things that we
have at home.
So now I'm offering orproviding practical help to make
(16:01):
sure I'm supporting you so allof the things that you usually
would do gets done.
That's what supporting is.
I'm still making sure all ofthe things that needs to be get
done, gets done.
I'm not in this.
In this instance, I'm not justgoing to listen to you.
I'm not just going to listen toyou vent or hear your cry and
(16:24):
just be there and listenattentively or offer
encouragement.
But this is a time where I canactually step in and offer or
provide practical help.
This is where I can actually dosomething.
Boots to the ground.
How can I show up?
How can I support youpractically?
Number five being present,showing up for them physically
(16:49):
and emotionally when needed.
Okay, so this one is a littledifferent from providing
practical help.
Sometimes people just need youto be there, just being present.
I don't need you to offer anypractical help.
(17:12):
Sometimes I don't even need youto say anything.
I don't need you to have thenice special words or have the
answers or do anything.
I just need you to be present.
Sometimes I can be sooverwhelmed.
I just need to know I'm loved,I'm cared about, I'm seen.
(17:35):
You thought about me, you knowme, you hear me.
Just be present Emotionally,meaning if I do need to talk to
you, if I do need to reach out,if I do need to vent, I know
that you're going to be therefor me.
Even if I never do any of thesethings, it's the fact that I
(17:56):
know you're there for meemotionally.
I know if I need to reach out.
I know if I need youemotionally, I know you're there
, I know you're available.
I know you will support me.
I know you'll be there.
If I need to cry, you'll bethere for me.
If I just need to hold thephone in silence and I need you
(18:20):
to pray for me, because I can'teven pray for myself, I know
you'll be there for me.
That's showing up for meemotionally, being present
physically, if I need you tojust be here and not say a word,
just be in my presence,literally just be here with me,
sit on the couch with me, laywith me, rub my back, rub my
(18:44):
feet, wipe my tears, pray insilence, pray out loud.
Fix me a meal.
Be present with me physically.
I know you'll be there for me.
Fix me a meal, be present withme physically.
I know you'll be there for me.
Be in prison and I think thisone is underrated, because I
(19:12):
think we're in a society wherepeople always feel like they got
to say something or always feellike they got to have the right
words and they have to dosomething, or I always feel like
they got to have the rightwords and they have to do
something.
But sometimes your presence, itmeans so much, and that one, for
me personally, means a lot,because I don't.
(19:32):
I'm an assertive person.
I'm a type of person where if Ineed something done, I'm going
to just do it.
That's just who I am as aperson.
So a lot of things that I needdone, I just get done.
So sometimes, when I'moverwhelmed or life is life and
life is knocking me upside thehead or trying to, anyway, I'm
(19:54):
knowing that I have people in mylife who are present for me,
just being there, knowing thatthey are there, ready to be
there for me, emotionally,physically, whatever I need the
fact just knowing that they arepresent.
It means so much, even if Idon't need them to do anything.
(20:14):
The fact that they'll just hitme with a checking in on you
thought about you, you were onmy mind.
I know you got this going onand I know you good and I know
you're going to say you good,but I'm still checking in that
means everything to me.
It means everything.
So just being present withsomebody for somebody, for your
(20:39):
partner, for your spouse, bepresent, be present Again, so
underrated.
It's so underrated.
It's so underrated.
Be present, because you may bemarried to somebody or in a
relationship with somebody.
Don't always have the words,don't always talk about
(21:01):
everything they're going throughor they don't carry everything
like that.
Everything isn't alwaysoverwhelming or stressful, but
it still gets hard sometimes.
And just knowing you have apartner or a spouse that is
present for you if you need it,it matters, it means something.
(21:25):
Number six, last but not least,this one is good Respect their
boundaries.
Respect R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Find out what it means to me.
R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Okay, okay, okay, Understandingtheir needs and not pushing
them beyond their comfort zone.
(21:49):
So my husband and I are verydifferent, very different,
especially when it comes todealing with things in our life.
When stuff happens, when we'reoverwhelmed, when we're stressed
or when life is just lifinglife just lifing when we need
(22:10):
support from one another.
We just have very differentways of dealing with it.
I'm a person very direct, verylet's talk about it.
Let's deal with it.
Let's face it head on.
Let's go ahead and knock thisthing out.
What is it?
Let's come up with a solution.
Let's deal with it.
Let's face this thing.
(22:30):
My husband is the completeopposite.
Let me sit with this thing fora minute.
Let me dwell with it.
I may come back in a few daysand be ready to talk about it.
I'm not like that, but I also,in my maturity and in my wisdom
and being married as long aswe've been married, I had to
learn he doesn't have to dothings the way that I have to do
(22:53):
them and I don't have to dothings the way that he doesn't.
But we've also had to learn howto compromise as well.
He can't stay dwelling as longas he used to dwell, and I can't
push him into being ready totalk when I'm ready to talk and
deal with things.
So we've also had to learn howto compromise.
(23:14):
But we have to respect oneanother's boundaries.
We can't push our partners orour spouses beyond their comfort
zone If they're not comfortablewith doing things a certain way
, the way that you do them.
You have to respect that.
You can't make people do stuffthe way that you want them to do
(23:35):
it and vice versa.
You have to respect theirboundaries.
That's how you support someone.
Support them in doing thingsthe way that works for them, in
a healthy way.
Now don't hear me out ofcontext.
Don't take this somewhere thatI ain't taking it in a healthy,
(23:57):
in a healthy, in a healthy way.
If what they're doing ishealthy, if it's not hurting the
relationship or hurting themarriage and it's just a way
that works for them, that's morecomfortable for them, support
them in that.
And if you guys need tocompromise like my husband and I
(24:20):
had to compromise on how wedeal with things do that, but
support them.
Don't the way to not supportthem and vice versa, the way for
them not to support you istrying to make them come over to
your side, or you trying tomake them come out, or them
trying to make you come over toyour side, or you trying to make
them come over, or them tryingto make you come over to their
side.
That's not supporting them.
(24:42):
Respect their boundaries andthey have to respect your
boundaries as well.
Okay, okay.
So those are our key aspects ofsupporting one another.
I'm curious how did you guys dowith those six key aspects?
(25:05):
Are you guys doing well in eachof those areas?
In those six areas, are youknocking this thing out the park
?
Oh, yeah, I support my partnervery well in each of those areas
.
I'm doing great.
I'm killing it or is there roomfor growth?
I could be doing better in afew of those areas or in all of
these areas I could be doingbetter.
(25:27):
There's room for growth in allof these areas, or maybe like
one or two I could grow, but inmost of these I'm doing great.
Or there was a time in mymarriage or my relationship
where I wasn't doing any ofthese wills, but I've seen
significant growth in these pastfew years.
I'm curious where are you?
Let me know in the comments oftoday's episode.
(25:50):
Let me know.
Let me know where are you.
And I do have some homework foryou guys.
I have a quote unquoteassignment.
I would love for you guys to doParticipate with this for me In
today's episode.
In the show notes you will seeright at the top it says send me
a message.
(26:10):
If you send me a message andlet me know what you thought
about today's episode, how areyou doing with these six key
aspects when you are room forgrowth, doing great, killing it
could do better Let me know.
It sends a text messagedirectly to me.
It only comes to me.
I would love to see where youare and I will shout you out on
(26:34):
the next episode Totallyanonymous, unless you don't want
it that way, but I will shoutyou out and I would love to hear
from you.
I would love to hear from you.
So I hope you have enjoyedtoday's episode.
I will talk to you guys nextweek.
Remember, I love you, but Godloves you.
Bye, I hope you guys haveenjoyed.
(27:03):
Follow me on Facebook.
At Demo with Mo.
If you have any questions youwould like answered here live on
my podcast, email them to me.
At Demo with Mo.
At gmailcom.
That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O.
At gmailcom.
That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O.
At gmailcom.
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