July 25, 2024 • 27 mins
“How can you forgive when you can't forget?" Join me, Monique Simmons, as I discuss the intricate journey of forgiveness. We explore the complexities of forgiveness, how traumatic events can linger in our bodies, and the impact of recurring memories and triggers. With insights from "The Body Keeps the Score," we discuss the importance of seeking professional help, like therapy, to manage these challenges. This episode is packed with personal anecdotes and practical advice, aiming to provide both encouragement and guidance for those wrestling with letting go of past hurts while maintaining their emotional and spiritual health.
Discover the true essence of forgiveness and why it's a conscious choice rather than a fleeting feeling. I share my personal experiences with therapies like EMDR, which have been instrumental in recalling suppressed memories and aiding the forgiveness process. Emphasizing forgiveness as essential for personal well-being and spiritual growth, I highlight how daily choices to forgive can free us from the control of past hurts. Let's embark on this journey together and build a supportive community through shared experiences and conversations. Engage with us and find the strength to embrace forgiveness and reclaim your joy.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
What's up, guys?
Welcome to Demo with Mo.
I'm your host, monique Simmons.
We'll be discussing dating,engaged and married objectives
from a young Christian'sperspective.
Are you guys ready?
Let's dive in.
Hey, what's up, guys?
Welcome to a new episode ofDemo with Mo.
(00:27):
I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we are going to be
discussing forgiving what youcan't forget.
As I am recording this live,tonight I am going to be meeting
with some members from mypodcast group, which is called
Dating, engage and MeritObjectives.
(00:48):
If you are not a part of thatgroup, this is a plug here to
come on over to Facebook andjoin our community.
I would love to have you.
If you've been here for a while, you know this.
Periodically, we have thesesessions called let's Talk,
where we meet up via Zoom, andwe have these sessions called
let's Talk, where we meet up viaZoom, and we have different
discussions around topics thatwe all face in relationships and
(01:11):
marriages, and the group voteson the topic that they want to
discuss, and the topic that theyvoted on to talk about this
evening is going to be forgivingwhat you can't forget, and I
thought this would be a perfectsubject to bring here on the
podcast because it's such agreat topic that so many of us
(01:33):
deal with, not only in ourromantic relationships and our
marriages, but just in life ingeneral.
We've all been hurt or betrayedor disappointed, or something
happened where we harboredunforgiveness in our heart and
we needed to let it go, or weneeded to forgive, but we didn't
(01:53):
know how.
Maybe we wanted to, we desiredto If you are a Christian or a
believer because this is theperspective that I always will
come from, because this is apodcast from a young Christian
woman's perspective but we knowthat's something that God
requires of us.
(02:14):
So we we probably have thosethings in mind, but we know that
it's not always that easy,because sometimes you want to
forgive, you desire to forgive,you know you should, but what if
it keeps coming back up?
What if I keep remembering it?
(02:34):
What if the thoughts keepcoming back?
What if I'm triggered?
This is a word you hear insociety, on social media, on TV.
You hear this word a lot.
I'm triggered, but basicallysomething happens to remind me
of it, maybe a song on the radio, maybe a show or a movie I'm
watching and this person does itto their partner, or any number
(02:55):
of things.
Or maybe you did something toremind me of moments before the
betrayal years ago and nowyou're doing something to remind
me of that again.
Are you going to hurt me again?
Are you going to betray meagain?
Are you going to do somethingwhere my guard has to go back up
?
So something happens to remindyou and you can't forget it,
(03:19):
even though you want to forgiveand for a lot of you you have
forgiven, and that's somethingwe're going to talk about as
well.
But for some of you you haveforgiven, but for some reason,
because you can't forget it, itkeeps coming up.
Because you're human.
You know God says, as far asfrom the East is from the West.
(03:39):
He gets rid of our sins.
Once he forgives us, it's gone.
You know.
He doesn't bring it up, hedoesn't remember it anymore,
meaning he's not going to holdit over us, he's not going to
count it against us, it'sforgiven, it's completely erased
.
But we're human.
Our brain, our body, it doesn'twork like that.
(04:01):
It remembers.
I'm currently reading this bookand I've been on a break from
the book and I probably shouldget back into it.
And you guys, I'm just havingthoughts out loud with you as
we're talking, but I was readinga book before my surgery.
The Body Keeps the Score and itwas such a great book.
(04:21):
Because things happen in yourlife, even through your
childhood, your adolescence, asyou become an adult, and I've
had so many things to happen andthis is real for me and I'm
sure some of you can relate.
I've had so many things tohappen, and let me not say so
many.
I've had some things to happento me, and some very traumatic,
(04:44):
that my memory, my mind, doesnot remember, because for some
people they remember everything.
I'm not one of those people.
There are a lot of things I donot remember.
I can be talking to you, you canbe reminiscing about childhood
days and all of the things thathappened and I wouldn't be able
to relate because there are alot of things that I don't
(05:06):
remember and our body protectsus that way when something
traumatic has happened to youand for the people who have
experienced this, if you'venever experienced this, if
you've never, if you have noidea what I'm talking about, be
thankful, be grateful that youdon't.
(05:26):
You shouldn't have to.
This is not something that youwant to be able to relate to is
what I'm trying to say.
But people who have experiencedtraumatic things in their life.
Their body protects them fromremembering certain things, from
remembering certain details,from remembering certain things,
from remembering certaindetails and some things you
(05:51):
really do forget.
Because your body is protectingyou from remembering those
things.
Because if you remember, itwould impact you in such a way
that you probably wouldn't beable to live your normal
day-to-day life the way that youare able to do and I said all
that to say because in the bookwhen it talked about the body
keeps the score it mentioned alot of these things and in the
(06:12):
work that I'm doing in therapy,when I first began to see my
therapist and you guys, go doyour research I'm not going to
dig into a rabbit hole herebecause I can't If I start
talking about it but when Ifirst started seeing my
therapist, I specifically foundmy therapist because of the
(06:33):
specific type of therapy that Iwas looking for.
It wasn't a coincidence, itwasn't by happenstance, it was
from me doing a lot of research,a lot of deep diving and
figuring out what kind oftherapy was going to work for me
, because I had already been intalk therapy and I had kind of
hit the ceiling for myselfpersonally with that I didn't
(06:54):
need talk therapy anymore.
I needed some other things, andI won't again.
I won't go into detail with allof that because again I'll get
into a rabbit hole but therewere some specific things that I
was looking for and I've talkedabout this on previous podcast
episodes.
But one of the things that Idid, one of the methods that my
(07:17):
therapist used in the beginningstages of my therapy when I
started seeing her, was EMDR.
My therapy when I startedseeing her was EMDR and it was
something that helped bring upsome things in the past that I
couldn't remember.
And it helped me.
And that wasn't the specificreason when we started, but in
(07:38):
those sessions it did help bringup some things for me, help
bring up some things for me.
So, again, getting back to thesubject at hand, we're human, so
a lot of things we won't forget.
It's just being realistic.
You're going to remember thosetimes that people hurt you.
You're going to remember thosetimes people disappointed you or
(07:58):
betrayed you or did somethingor said something they shouldn't
, or put your business out tosomebody or said hurtful things.
Whatever it is that you have toforgive or that you have
forgiven in the past, you'regoing to remember it.
Now, what does it really mean toforgive when you can't forget,
(08:20):
because some of us have forgivenand sometimes you can think you
haven't forgiven because you'restill reminded of it?
I've heard this multiple times.
With having a relationshippodcast and having a
relationship podcast community,I have the privilege of being
(08:42):
able to talk to a lot ofdifferent couples, a lot of
singles that are dating, a lotof people who have had their
heart broken or had a lot ofreasons where they needed to
forgive someone or needed to beforgiven.
So I've had the privilege ofhaving to hear a lot of
different perspectives and talkto a lot of different people.
(09:04):
And sometimes people think theyhaven't forgiven because all of
the things are still coming upfor them, they're still being
triggered, they're still beingreminded, they can't forget.
These thoughts are still comingup.
That does not necessarily meanyou have not forgiven.
When you forgiven trulyforgiven it doesn't mean that
(09:29):
the thoughts won't come upbecause they will.
It doesn't mean that sometimesyou won't be triggered because
sometimes you will.
It doesn't mean that somethings won't remind you of it,
like a song on a radio, a scenein a movie, because sometimes it
will.
That's just being realistic,because we're human, we're
(09:51):
flawed individuals.
But what true forgiveness lookslike?
Because I'm sure you've heardthis before forgiveness is a
choice.
It's not a feeling, because ourfeelings change.
One day, yeah, I felt like Iwas forgiving you.
It was beautiful, I was happyto forgive you, everything was
all good.
But two weeks down the line, Iwas upset, I was triggered.
(10:14):
Something reminded me of it.
My feelings have changed.
That's why forgiveness is achoice, because every day you
wake up, you have to choose thisover and over and over again,
no matter how you feel.
True forgiveness, realforgiveness, is.
I'm not going to hold this overyour head anymore.
I want to free you of this debt, this debt that you owe me,
(10:38):
because that's what it is when Iharbor unforgiveness towards
you.
You owe me a debt and this debthas to be paid.
But true forgiveness is whetherthat person comes to you or not,
because the beautiful thing is,yes, they will come to you,
they will take accountability,they would admit their faults,
their wrongdoings, make it right.
(11:01):
Now, that is beautiful.
That's what we would wisheverybody would do.
Everybody's not going to dothat.
Everybody is not there, andthere are some people that hurt
you that you will never be ableto make your right with in that
way, because some people havedied and gone on, some people
you don't have relationship with, because it could have been a
(11:23):
stranger.
It could have been someone whoI won't even go into all of the
things that could have happenedbut it could have been a
stranger on the street.
This could have been a one off,where this happened while you
were off at college or at thestore purchasing something in
the parking lot.
Like it doesn't always have tobe people that you are in
(11:45):
relationship with.
These can be people you don'teven know who they are.
It could have done hurt or harmor danger to you.
So sometimes we don't alwayshave the opportunity of being in
the presence of that person,being in relationship with that
person or even wanting to be inrelationship or in the presence
of that person where we can getthat acknowledgement or that
(12:07):
accountability from them.
But sometimes this is a choicethat we just have to make,
because this is another one ofthose things that I'm sure you
have heard and may even soundcliche to you, but it is a true
statement Forgiveness is for you, it's for you, because this
(12:28):
person or people will go on withtheir life.
They will go, live their liveshowever their life is, and you
will be the one harboring thathurt, harboring that pain.
It will hinder you.
It will hinder your walk withGod.
(12:49):
If you are a Christian orbeliever, I'm sure you know this
.
God says we have to forgive Ifwe want forgiveness from him.
And I'm not talking about theforgiveness of salvation,
because if you've given yourlife to him, that's it.
Christ paid it all, he did itall.
He redeemed us, he saved us.
There's nothing else you needto do after that and that's a
(13:10):
whole nother conversation for awhole nother podcast episode.
But if you are mature in yourfaith, you know this and you
understand this.
I'm not talking about that kindof forgiveness.
Once you have received Christand you are saved, there's
nothing else that you need to dofor your salvation, because
there is nothing that you can do.
(13:31):
Christ did it all.
But I'm talking about yourday-to-day relationship and walk
with him.
You cannot go on in yourrelationship with Christ and go
to him and want to pray to himand talk to him and ask him for
things and ask him to forgiveyou when you fall short, and ask
him to bless you and bless yourfinances and take care of your
(13:55):
children and give you wisdom anddirection and to give you peace
of mind and to take care ofyour health and all of the
things that you go to God andask him for and talk to him
about.
He said in his word if youdon't forgive others, don't
expect that same forgivenessfrom me.
So he requires us to forgive.
(14:19):
Okay, so it hinders our walkwith Christ when we don't
forgive.
Not only does it hinder ourwalk in our relationship with
Christ.
Unforgiveness affects our health, our mental health, our
emotional health, our physicalhealth.
(14:41):
We can have high blood pressure, we can have migraines and
headaches, we can be stressed.
Because unforgiveness shows up.
You can look at people and tellwhether they want to admit it
or not.
If you just be honest and realwith yourself, it shows all over
you, it affects you.
Your heart ain't right.
(15:02):
You mad and upset, your facefrowned up.
You want to smile, you want tobe happy, you want to have joy,
you want to be happy about lifeand you want to appreciate the
things in your life.
But you can't because thatunforgiveness is all over you.
It's like poison, it's just.
It's just affecting every partof you and there's nothing that
(15:24):
you can do outside of forgivingthat you can do outside of
forgiving.
And forgiveness does not justifyor make right or okay what the
other person did.
Please let me say that it doesnot justify, make right or okay
(15:44):
what the other person did tohurt you.
That is not what forgiveness issaying.
Forgiveness is justrelinquishing the debt, not
holding it over them anymore,making yourself free and,
especially if you are aChristian or a believer, you are
(16:04):
relinquishing control over toGod.
God, I give this thing over toyou.
It is no longer mine, it isyours.
Do with it as you will.
Your will be done, and God is arighteous and just God.
Do you hear me?
There are so many things thathave happened, things that have
(16:32):
happened even in the last coupleyears, where people have people
that I love.
These are not strangers on thestreet, people that I love, who
have hurt me, who havedisappointed me, who I thought
would do right by me, who havewalked out of my life, out of my
family, my children's lives,people that I love now.
(16:53):
These are people who I love,who I expected more from, but
they hurt me and in my flesh, inmy natural, in my natural self
if I wanted to be unforgiving,have resentment, harbor
bitterness in my natural self.
(17:15):
What the world say, what peopleout in the world would say is I
would be justified If I was totell you the things that they've
done, the things that they'vesaid, the way that they have
treated me, the people in theworld, the people who don't know
God, who are not walking withGod.
And no offense or judgment tothem, because this was my way of
(17:40):
thinking when I was out in theworld, because this is just
what's natural to us.
This is how we are.
We're born in sin, shaped ininiquity.
This is just how our mindthinks Outside of God.
This is how my mind thinks,because I want to do the
complete opposite of what Godwants me to do.
(18:01):
I want to do the completeopposite of what God's word
tells me to do.
It is only by the grace of Godand the Holy Spirit that I'm
able to walk upright and do thethings that God has called me to
do.
It is only by the grace of Godand the Holy Spirit that I'm
able to walk upright and do thethings that God has called me to
do.
And I don't even get that rightall the time.
But what the world would say isI would be justified to be
(18:22):
unforgiven, to have resentment,to be bitter, to talk bad.
That's what the world would say.
But God tells me the completeopposite.
God tells me to cast my careson him, for he cares for me.
And that's real, because Godcares about the things that you
(18:43):
care about.
God is concerned.
So it's not.
He's not saying that what theydid is okay.
He's not saying that they'regoing to get away with the
things that they've done to you,the hurt that they've caused
you, the harm that they put uponyou.
He's not saying that God saysvengeance is mine that mean
(19:06):
there will be vengeance.
It may not look like the world'svengeance, it may not be the
way you think it should be oryou want it to be, but God is a
righteous and just God.
So don't think, because youforgive, that people are
justified, that what they didwas okay, that they're getting
off with something.
So if you holding on tounforgiveness because you think
(19:27):
because if you forgive, did wasokay, that they're getting off
with something, so if youholding on to unforgiveness
because you think because if youforgive, everything is okay,
it's not.
God cares about you, he's gonnatake care of you, he's gonna
see about you and also, he'sjust and righteous.
Nobody will get away withhurting or harming you.
(19:51):
Trust me and believe me.
I've seen it time and timeagain Again.
It may not look the way youdesire it.
You want it to look, the waythe world says for it to look,
but God has a perfect, perfectway.
His will is perfect, withoutfault.
(20:19):
Vengeance is his Believe that.
So let's talk about whatforgiveness is.
Forgiveness is a consciousdecision to let go of negative
feelings such as anger,resentment or hostility towards
someone who has wronged you.
Do you have anybody you need toforgive?
(20:39):
I'm sure some names came up,even if you don't say it out
loud, you don't want to admit itto anyone, you don't want to
admit it to yourself, but I'msure there's some names.
Some people came to mind.
I encourage you to forgive themand I encourage you to ask God
to help you to forgive them, andnot only just say you forgive
(21:02):
them, but continue to choose todo it every day, every day you
wake up, and the more you beginto do it, the more natural it'll
begin to be for you, the easilyyou will begin to be able to
forgive and I'm speaking fromexperience.
I'm not saying this as someonewho doesn't understand.
(21:25):
There was a time it was hardfor me to forgive.
I remembered everything, butnow I cast my cares on God.
The example that I gave youabout the people in my life who
I love, who hurt me, who'vewalked out, walked out of my
(21:46):
life, walked out of my husband,my children's life no
unforgiveness there, noresentment there, no bitterness
there.
Won't hear me talkingnegatively about anyone.
(22:06):
They have my prayers.
I wish them the best.
Could things have happeneddifferently?
Yes, do I wish or did I desirethings to be done differently?
Yes, I do, absolutely.
Was I hurt?
Was I disappointed?
Yes, yes, I was.
But do I trust God?
(22:28):
I do.
So I encourage you.
I encourage you to step out andlet's take faith.
It's one of them things thatalso takes faith.
Forgiveness takes faith becausesometimes you don't want to
forgive, because you don't wantto look weak.
You don't want to look like theperson is justified or okay by
(22:51):
what they did.
You don't want them to feellike they got over on you.
You don't want to let go of itbecause you want to handle it.
You want the outcome to be whatyou want the outcome to be.
You want vengeance to be yoursinstead of God's.
There are so many reasons whywe hold on to unforgiveness so
(23:13):
many reasons, but I encourageyou to let go and truly be free,
because that's freedom.
On the other side of forgiveness, other people may not
understand.
People out in the world may notunderstand.
You may have friends who don'tunderstand.
You may have family that don'tunderstand, and not because they
(23:37):
don't want to.
They just don't know how youcan be hurt or betrayed or
disappointed or made a fool of,or how someone who claims to
love you could just walk away orwhatever they did.
They don't understand how youcould forgive that.
(23:58):
Get past that.
Move on from that.
Not let it harden your heart,not let it change you, not let
it turn you into or reacting orresponding the way they did.
They don't always understandthat, and that's okay.
You be the example.
(24:18):
You show them what forgivenesscan look like.
You forgive for you.
You be free, and if someonehurts you or betrays you or
disappoints you or doessomething that requires you to
forgive them, do you want togive them something else?
(24:39):
Do you want to let them controlyour life as well?
With unforgiveness.
You want to give them that too.
So not only do you hurt me ordisappoint me or betray me or
mistreat me, but you also get tocontrol the rest of my life,
hinder my walk with God, hindermy relationship with my spouse
(25:02):
or my children or on my job,take away my joy and my smile
and my happiness, take away myfreedom, affect my health, my
mental health, my physicalhealth, my emotional health.
I'm also going to let youaffect those things and take
away those things from me?
(25:22):
I think not.
I'm taking back everything,everything that belongs to me
and that can start withforgiveness.
All right, guys, I hope you haveenjoyed today's episode.
(25:44):
Remember to rate, review andsubscribe to the podcast
wherever you listen.
Also, I wanted to tell you,guys, we have a new thing going
on now.
Wherever you listen to thepodcast, if you go to the show
notes the first, right at thebeginning of the show notes you
will see send us a text messagethat will come directly to me.
(26:06):
Send me something, shoot me amessage, something encouraging.
Let me know if you enjoyed theepisode, if you are enjoying the
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(26:27):
podcast episode.
Remember, I love you, but Godloves you so much more.
I'll talk to you guys next week.
Bye, I hope you guys haveenjoyed Follow me on Facebook.
At Demo with Mo.
If you have any questions youwould like answered here live on
(26:50):
my podcast, email them to me.
At Demo with Mo at gmailcom.
That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O atgmailcom.
What's up, guys?
Welcome to Demo with Mo.
I'm your host, monique Simmons.
We'll be discussing dating,engaged and married objectives
from a young Christian'sperspective.
Are you guys ready?
Let's dive in.
Hey, what's up, guys?
Welcome to a new episode ofDemo with Mo.
(00:27):
I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we are going to be
discussing forgiving what youcan't forget.
As I am recording this live,tonight I am going to be meeting
with some members from mypodcast group, which is called
Dating, engage and MeritObjectives.
(00:48):
If you are not a part of thatgroup, this is a plug here to
come on over to Facebook andjoin our community.
I would love to have you.
If you've been here for a while, you know this.
Periodically, we have thesesessions called let's Talk,
where we meet up via Zoom, andwe have these sessions called
let's Talk, where we meet up viaZoom, and we have different
discussions around topics thatwe all face in relationships and
(01:11):
marriages, and the group voteson the topic that they want to
discuss, and the topic that theyvoted on to talk about this
evening is going to be forgivingwhat you can't forget, and I
thought this would be a perfectsubject to bring here on the
podcast because it's such agreat topic that so many of us
(01:33):
deal with, not only in ourromantic relationships and our
marriages, but just in life ingeneral.
We've all been hurt or betrayedor disappointed, or something
happened where we harboredunforgiveness in our heart and
we needed to let it go, or weneeded to forgive, but we didn't
(01:53):
know how.
Maybe we wanted to, we desiredto If you are a Christian or a
believer because this is theperspective that I always will
come from, because this is apodcast from a young Christian
woman's perspective but we knowthat's something that God
requires of us.
(02:14):
So we we probably have thosethings in mind, but we know that
it's not always that easy,because sometimes you want to
forgive, you desire to forgive,you know you should, but what if
it keeps coming back up?
What if I keep remembering it?
(02:34):
What if the thoughts keepcoming back?
What if I'm triggered?
This is a word you hear insociety, on social media, on TV.
You hear this word a lot.
I'm triggered, but basicallysomething happens to remind me
of it, maybe a song on the radio, maybe a show or a movie I'm
watching and this person does itto their partner, or any number
(02:55):
of things.
Or maybe you did something toremind me of moments before the
betrayal years ago and nowyou're doing something to remind
me of that again.
Are you going to hurt me again?
Are you going to betray meagain?
Are you going to do somethingwhere my guard has to go back up
?
So something happens to remindyou and you can't forget it,
(03:19):
even though you want to forgiveand for a lot of you you have
forgiven, and that's somethingwe're going to talk about as
well.
But for some of you you haveforgiven, but for some reason,
because you can't forget it, itkeeps coming up.
Because you're human.
You know God says, as far asfrom the East is from the West.
(03:39):
He gets rid of our sins.
Once he forgives us, it's gone.
You know.
He doesn't bring it up, hedoesn't remember it anymore,
meaning he's not going to holdit over us, he's not going to
count it against us, it'sforgiven, it's completely erased
.
But we're human.
Our brain, our body, it doesn'twork like that.
(04:01):
It remembers.
I'm currently reading this bookand I've been on a break from
the book and I probably shouldget back into it.
And you guys, I'm just havingthoughts out loud with you as
we're talking, but I was readinga book before my surgery.
The Body Keeps the Score and itwas such a great book.
(04:21):
Because things happen in yourlife, even through your
childhood, your adolescence, asyou become an adult, and I've
had so many things to happen andthis is real for me and I'm
sure some of you can relate.
I've had so many things tohappen, and let me not say so
many.
I've had some things to happento me, and some very traumatic,
(04:44):
that my memory, my mind, doesnot remember, because for some
people they remember everything.
I'm not one of those people.
There are a lot of things I donot remember.
I can be talking to you, you canbe reminiscing about childhood
days and all of the things thathappened and I wouldn't be able
to relate because there are alot of things that I don't
(05:06):
remember and our body protectsus that way when something
traumatic has happened to youand for the people who have
experienced this, if you'venever experienced this, if
you've never, if you have noidea what I'm talking about, be
thankful, be grateful that youdon't.
(05:26):
You shouldn't have to.
This is not something that youwant to be able to relate to is
what I'm trying to say.
But people who have experiencedtraumatic things in their life.
Their body protects them fromremembering certain things, from
remembering certain details,from remembering certain things,
from remembering certaindetails and some things you
(05:51):
really do forget.
Because your body is protectingyou from remembering those
things.
Because if you remember, itwould impact you in such a way
that you probably wouldn't beable to live your normal
day-to-day life the way that youare able to do and I said all
that to say because in the bookwhen it talked about the body
keeps the score it mentioned alot of these things and in the
(06:12):
work that I'm doing in therapy,when I first began to see my
therapist and you guys, go doyour research I'm not going to
dig into a rabbit hole herebecause I can't If I start
talking about it but when Ifirst started seeing my
therapist, I specifically foundmy therapist because of the
(06:33):
specific type of therapy that Iwas looking for.
It wasn't a coincidence, itwasn't by happenstance, it was
from me doing a lot of research,a lot of deep diving and
figuring out what kind oftherapy was going to work for me
, because I had already been intalk therapy and I had kind of
hit the ceiling for myselfpersonally with that I didn't
(06:54):
need talk therapy anymore.
I needed some other things, andI won't again.
I won't go into detail with allof that because again I'll get
into a rabbit hole but therewere some specific things that I
was looking for and I've talkedabout this on previous podcast
episodes.
But one of the things that Idid, one of the methods that my
(07:17):
therapist used in the beginningstages of my therapy when I
started seeing her, was EMDR.
My therapy when I startedseeing her was EMDR and it was
something that helped bring upsome things in the past that I
couldn't remember.
And it helped me.
And that wasn't the specificreason when we started, but in
(07:38):
those sessions it did help bringup some things for me, help
bring up some things for me.
So, again, getting back to thesubject at hand, we're human, so
a lot of things we won't forget.
It's just being realistic.
You're going to remember thosetimes that people hurt you.
You're going to remember thosetimes people disappointed you or
(07:58):
betrayed you or did somethingor said something they shouldn't
, or put your business out tosomebody or said hurtful things.
Whatever it is that you have toforgive or that you have
forgiven in the past, you'regoing to remember it.
Now, what does it really mean toforgive when you can't forget,
(08:20):
because some of us have forgivenand sometimes you can think you
haven't forgiven because you'restill reminded of it?
I've heard this multiple times.
With having a relationshippodcast and having a
relationship podcast community,I have the privilege of being
(08:42):
able to talk to a lot ofdifferent couples, a lot of
singles that are dating, a lotof people who have had their
heart broken or had a lot ofreasons where they needed to
forgive someone or needed to beforgiven.
So I've had the privilege ofhaving to hear a lot of
different perspectives and talkto a lot of different people.
(09:04):
And sometimes people think theyhaven't forgiven because all of
the things are still coming upfor them, they're still being
triggered, they're still beingreminded, they can't forget.
These thoughts are still comingup.
That does not necessarily meanyou have not forgiven.
When you forgiven trulyforgiven it doesn't mean that
(09:29):
the thoughts won't come upbecause they will.
It doesn't mean that sometimesyou won't be triggered because
sometimes you will.
It doesn't mean that somethings won't remind you of it,
like a song on a radio, a scenein a movie, because sometimes it
will.
That's just being realistic,because we're human, we're
(09:51):
flawed individuals.
But what true forgiveness lookslike?
Because I'm sure you've heardthis before forgiveness is a
choice.
It's not a feeling, because ourfeelings change.
One day, yeah, I felt like Iwas forgiving you.
It was beautiful, I was happyto forgive you, everything was
all good.
But two weeks down the line, Iwas upset, I was triggered.
(10:14):
Something reminded me of it.
My feelings have changed.
That's why forgiveness is achoice, because every day you
wake up, you have to choose thisover and over and over again,
no matter how you feel.
True forgiveness, realforgiveness, is.
I'm not going to hold this overyour head anymore.
I want to free you of this debt, this debt that you owe me,
(10:38):
because that's what it is when Iharbor unforgiveness towards
you.
You owe me a debt and this debthas to be paid.
But true forgiveness is whetherthat person comes to you or not,
because the beautiful thing is,yes, they will come to you,
they will take accountability,they would admit their faults,
their wrongdoings, make it right.
(11:01):
Now, that is beautiful.
That's what we would wisheverybody would do.
Everybody's not going to dothat.
Everybody is not there, andthere are some people that hurt
you that you will never be ableto make your right with in that
way, because some people havedied and gone on, some people
you don't have relationship with, because it could have been a
(11:23):
stranger.
It could have been someone whoI won't even go into all of the
things that could have happenedbut it could have been a
stranger on the street.
This could have been a one off,where this happened while you
were off at college or at thestore purchasing something in
the parking lot.
Like it doesn't always have tobe people that you are in
(11:45):
relationship with.
These can be people you don'teven know who they are.
It could have done hurt or harmor danger to you.
So sometimes we don't alwayshave the opportunity of being in
the presence of that person,being in relationship with that
person or even wanting to be inrelationship or in the presence
of that person where we can getthat acknowledgement or that
(12:07):
accountability from them.
But sometimes this is a choicethat we just have to make,
because this is another one ofthose things that I'm sure you
have heard and may even soundcliche to you, but it is a true
statement Forgiveness is for you, it's for you, because this
(12:28):
person or people will go on withtheir life.
They will go, live their liveshowever their life is, and you
will be the one harboring thathurt, harboring that pain.
It will hinder you.
It will hinder your walk withGod.
(12:49):
If you are a Christian orbeliever, I'm sure you know this
.
God says we have to forgive Ifwe want forgiveness from him.
And I'm not talking about theforgiveness of salvation,
because if you've given yourlife to him, that's it.
Christ paid it all, he did itall.
He redeemed us, he saved us.
There's nothing else you needto do after that and that's a
(13:10):
whole nother conversation for awhole nother podcast episode.
But if you are mature in yourfaith, you know this and you
understand this.
I'm not talking about that kindof forgiveness.
Once you have received Christand you are saved, there's
nothing else that you need to dofor your salvation, because
there is nothing that you can do.
(13:31):
Christ did it all.
But I'm talking about yourday-to-day relationship and walk
with him.
You cannot go on in yourrelationship with Christ and go
to him and want to pray to himand talk to him and ask him for
things and ask him to forgiveyou when you fall short, and ask
him to bless you and bless yourfinances and take care of your
(13:55):
children and give you wisdom anddirection and to give you peace
of mind and to take care ofyour health and all of the
things that you go to God andask him for and talk to him
about.
He said in his word if youdon't forgive others, don't
expect that same forgivenessfrom me.
So he requires us to forgive.
(14:19):
Okay, so it hinders our walkwith Christ when we don't
forgive.
Not only does it hinder ourwalk in our relationship with
Christ.
Unforgiveness affects our health, our mental health, our
emotional health, our physicalhealth.
(14:41):
We can have high blood pressure, we can have migraines and
headaches, we can be stressed.
Because unforgiveness shows up.
You can look at people and tellwhether they want to admit it
or not.
If you just be honest and realwith yourself, it shows all over
you, it affects you.
Your heart ain't right.
(15:02):
You mad and upset, your facefrowned up.
You want to smile, you want tobe happy, you want to have joy,
you want to be happy about lifeand you want to appreciate the
things in your life.
But you can't because thatunforgiveness is all over you.
It's like poison, it's just.
It's just affecting every partof you and there's nothing that
(15:24):
you can do outside of forgivingthat you can do outside of
forgiving.
And forgiveness does not justifyor make right or okay what the
other person did.
Please let me say that it doesnot justify, make right or okay
(15:44):
what the other person did tohurt you.
That is not what forgiveness issaying.
Forgiveness is justrelinquishing the debt, not
holding it over them anymore,making yourself free and,
especially if you are aChristian or a believer, you are
(16:04):
relinquishing control over toGod.
God, I give this thing over toyou.
It is no longer mine, it isyours.
Do with it as you will.
Your will be done, and God is arighteous and just God.
Do you hear me?
There are so many things thathave happened, things that have
(16:32):
happened even in the last coupleyears, where people have people
that I love.
These are not strangers on thestreet, people that I love, who
have hurt me, who havedisappointed me, who I thought
would do right by me, who havewalked out of my life, out of my
family, my children's lives,people that I love now.
(16:53):
These are people who I love,who I expected more from, but
they hurt me and in my flesh, inmy natural, in my natural self
if I wanted to be unforgiving,have resentment, harbor
bitterness in my natural self.
(17:15):
What the world say, what peopleout in the world would say is I
would be justified If I was totell you the things that they've
done, the things that they'vesaid, the way that they have
treated me, the people in theworld, the people who don't know
God, who are not walking withGod.
And no offense or judgment tothem, because this was my way of
(17:40):
thinking when I was out in theworld, because this is just
what's natural to us.
This is how we are.
We're born in sin, shaped ininiquity.
This is just how our mindthinks Outside of God.
This is how my mind thinks,because I want to do the
complete opposite of what Godwants me to do.
(18:01):
I want to do the completeopposite of what God's word
tells me to do.
It is only by the grace of Godand the Holy Spirit that I'm
able to walk upright and do thethings that God has called me to
do.
It is only by the grace of Godand the Holy Spirit that I'm
able to walk upright and do thethings that God has called me to
do.
And I don't even get that rightall the time.
But what the world would say isI would be justified to be
(18:22):
unforgiven, to have resentment,to be bitter, to talk bad.
That's what the world would say.
But God tells me the completeopposite.
God tells me to cast my careson him, for he cares for me.
And that's real, because Godcares about the things that you
(18:43):
care about.
God is concerned.
So it's not.
He's not saying that what theydid is okay.
He's not saying that they'regoing to get away with the
things that they've done to you,the hurt that they've caused
you, the harm that they put uponyou.
He's not saying that God saysvengeance is mine that mean
(19:06):
there will be vengeance.
It may not look like the world'svengeance, it may not be the
way you think it should be oryou want it to be, but God is a
righteous and just God.
So don't think, because youforgive, that people are
justified, that what they didwas okay, that they're getting
off with something.
So if you holding on tounforgiveness because you think
(19:27):
because if you forgive, did wasokay, that they're getting off
with something, so if youholding on to unforgiveness
because you think because if youforgive, everything is okay,
it's not.
God cares about you, he's gonnatake care of you, he's gonna
see about you and also, he'sjust and righteous.
Nobody will get away withhurting or harming you.
(19:51):
Trust me and believe me.
I've seen it time and timeagain Again.
It may not look the way youdesire it.
You want it to look, the waythe world says for it to look,
but God has a perfect, perfectway.
His will is perfect, withoutfault.
(20:19):
Vengeance is his Believe that.
So let's talk about whatforgiveness is.
Forgiveness is a consciousdecision to let go of negative
feelings such as anger,resentment or hostility towards
someone who has wronged you.
Do you have anybody you need toforgive?
(20:39):
I'm sure some names came up,even if you don't say it out
loud, you don't want to admit itto anyone, you don't want to
admit it to yourself, but I'msure there's some names.
Some people came to mind.
I encourage you to forgive themand I encourage you to ask God
to help you to forgive them, andnot only just say you forgive
(21:02):
them, but continue to choose todo it every day, every day you
wake up, and the more you beginto do it, the more natural it'll
begin to be for you, the easilyyou will begin to be able to
forgive and I'm speaking fromexperience.
I'm not saying this as someonewho doesn't understand.
(21:25):
There was a time it was hardfor me to forgive.
I remembered everything, butnow I cast my cares on God.
The example that I gave youabout the people in my life who
I love, who hurt me, who'vewalked out, walked out of my
(21:46):
life, walked out of my husband,my children's life no
unforgiveness there, noresentment there, no bitterness
there.
Won't hear me talkingnegatively about anyone.
(22:06):
They have my prayers.
I wish them the best.
Could things have happeneddifferently?
Yes, do I wish or did I desirethings to be done differently?
Yes, I do, absolutely.
Was I hurt?
Was I disappointed?
Yes, yes, I was.
But do I trust God?
(22:28):
I do.
So I encourage you.
I encourage you to step out andlet's take faith.
It's one of them things thatalso takes faith.
Forgiveness takes faith becausesometimes you don't want to
forgive, because you don't wantto look weak.
You don't want to look like theperson is justified or okay by
(22:51):
what they did.
You don't want them to feellike they got over on you.
You don't want to let go of itbecause you want to handle it.
You want the outcome to be whatyou want the outcome to be.
You want vengeance to be yoursinstead of God's.
There are so many reasons whywe hold on to unforgiveness so
(23:13):
many reasons, but I encourageyou to let go and truly be free,
because that's freedom.
On the other side of forgiveness, other people may not
understand.
People out in the world may notunderstand.
You may have friends who don'tunderstand.
You may have family that don'tunderstand, and not because they
(23:37):
don't want to.
They just don't know how youcan be hurt or betrayed or
disappointed or made a fool of,or how someone who claims to
love you could just walk away orwhatever they did.
They don't understand how youcould forgive that.
(23:58):
Get past that.
Move on from that.
Not let it harden your heart,not let it change you, not let
it turn you into or reacting orresponding the way they did.
They don't always understandthat, and that's okay.
You be the example.
(24:18):
You show them what forgivenesscan look like.
You forgive for you.
You be free, and if someonehurts you or betrays you or
disappoints you or doessomething that requires you to
forgive them, do you want togive them something else?
(24:39):
Do you want to let them controlyour life as well?
With unforgiveness.
You want to give them that too.
So not only do you hurt me ordisappoint me or betray me or
mistreat me, but you also get tocontrol the rest of my life,
hinder my walk with God, hindermy relationship with my spouse
(25:02):
or my children or on my job,take away my joy and my smile
and my happiness, take away myfreedom, affect my health, my
mental health, my physicalhealth, my emotional health.
I'm also going to let youaffect those things and take
away those things from me?
(25:22):
I think not.
I'm taking back everything,everything that belongs to me
and that can start withforgiveness.
All right, guys, I hope you haveenjoyed today's episode.
(25:44):
Remember to rate, review andsubscribe to the podcast
wherever you listen.
Also, I wanted to tell you,guys, we have a new thing going
on now.
Wherever you listen to thepodcast, if you go to the show
notes the first, right at thebeginning of the show notes you
will see send us a text messagethat will come directly to me.
(26:06):
Send me something, shoot me amessage, something encouraging.
Let me know if you enjoyed theepisode, if you are enjoying the
podcast, something you'reinterested in hearing more of,
just reach out to me, let meknow how this podcast is helping
you wherever you are, and Iwill shout you out on the next
(26:27):
podcast episode.
Remember, I love you, but Godloves you so much more.
I'll talk to you guys next week.
Bye, I hope you guys haveenjoyed Follow me on Facebook.
At Demo with Mo.
If you have any questions youwould like answered here live on
(26:50):
my podcast, email them to me.
At Demo with Mo at gmailcom.
That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O atgmailcom.
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