January 23, 2025 • 33 mins
What if the family you pick becomes more significant than the one you’re born into? Join me on a heartfelt journey as I explore the idea of chosen family, sparked by my recent trip to Orlando for the PodFest podcast conference. Battling a cold, I found solace in the vibrant energy of fellow podcasters and reconnected with a dear friend, reigniting the bonds we've nurtured over a decade. This experience was a poignant reminder of the incredible support system that has been my lifeline, highlighting the transformative power of relationships we actively choose and cherish.
This episode takes a closer look at the profound connections we form beyond blood ties. Chosen families provide the emotional warmth and affirmation that might be absent in traditional family settings, especially for those who've faced rejection. We discuss the intricate layers of love and support found in these intentional relationships that often surpass biological bonds in depth and significance. Through shared experiences and enduring support, these connections validate our journeys and enrich our lives. Tune in to celebrate the people who stand beside us through thick and thin, reminding us of the beauty in choosing our own family.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
what's up, guys?
Welcome to demo with mo.
I'm your host, monique simmons.
We'll be discussing dating,engaged and married objectives
from a young christian'sperspective.
Are you guys ready?
Let's dive in.
Hey, what's up, guys?
Welcome to a new episode ofDemo with Mo.
(00:28):
I am your host, monique Simmons.
This past weekend, I had theprivilege of going to Orlando,
florida, for a podcastconference known as PodFest.
This was their 11th year ofholding this podcast conference
and this was their 11th year ofholding this podcast conference
(00:48):
and this was my first time going, and this actually was my first
time going to a podcastconference and that's why I
consider it to be a privilege.
This was actually one of mylong, long-term goals to
actually go to a podcastconference, and it was more than
I could have expected.
(01:09):
I actually have been gettingover a cold and, to be perfectly
honest, I didn't even know if Iwas going to have to cancel the
trip.
My four-year-old daughterbrought something home from
daycare which all of my parentsout there I know you guys can
relate is just something aboutthe daycare and you know the
germs and all of the things, allof the things.
(01:31):
She brought something home andshe got sick and then it went
around our household and it hitme and it took me down through
there and I just didn't know ifI was going to be able to make
it or not.
But thank God I got much betterbefore it was time to go and I
was able to go on the trip.
But I said I like to say I wasnot feeling my best on the trip,
(01:55):
but I still was able to enjoyit.
I was able to also see one ofmy closest friends and her
husband, who live in Orlando, soI was able to kill two birds
with one stone on this trip andI just had an absolutely amazing
time.
This was one of my long-termgoals for my podcast to be able
(02:21):
to go on one of these podcastconferences, not the podcast per
se, but to be able to go on apodcast conference.
I wanted to be able to connectwith other podcast hosts, to
learn as much as I could, toconnect with the people that I
needed to connect with and tojust move forward in this
podcasting community.
(02:43):
And I got that and even muchmore.
It was like this fire was litup under me and I'm so excited.
I'm so excited for all of thethings that are ahead for me.
I'm so excited for all of thethings that God has shown me,
for the places that he has putme in, for the people he has
connected me with.
(03:04):
I'm just excited.
I'm really excited for all thatGod is doing.
One of the things that this tripshowed me my girlfriend and I
we went out for brunch on one ofthe days while I was there and
we just got to talking aboutlife and how much we've grown
(03:27):
because we've been friends 10years plus and we've just talked
about where we came from, likewhere we were when we became
friends, and all that God hasdone in our lives and in our
careers, in our relationships,in our marriages as women, just
in all areas of our lives, howwe've grown and just the
(03:52):
community we built around oneanother, our villages and the
people who have helped us getthere.
And that is what we're going tobe talking about today Chosen
family.
And I'm saying all of thisbecause, while I was out there
(04:13):
for this podcast conference,because I was traveling alone
and I had so much time alone tothink about everything that has
gotten me to the place where Iam in life, and if you're
anything like me and if you'renot self-centered or selfish or
any of those things.
You know that you did not getto where you are in your life by
(04:37):
yourself.
You know you didn't get herealone.
You know that where you'restanding at in your life right
now was not because of you alone.
You know that it was by thegrace of God.
You know that it was by family,friends, community, your
(05:01):
village.
It was orchestrated all by God,the people he placed in your
life being at the right place atthe right time.
Because you were placed there,connected with the right people,
had the right conversations.
It didn't happen byhappenstance, it wasn't by
(05:22):
coincidence, it wasn't by chance.
And that's what my friend and Ibegan to talk about and I began
to reminisce on all of thethings, even as a young woman,
as a teenager, all of the thingsthat had happened in my life
that got me up into this placewhere I am today, and a specific
(05:43):
conversation that got me here,and there were so many people
that played a part, played apart in my life.
So when you hear me say this, Ijust want you guys to know,
because if you've been rockingwith me for a while, you've
heard me share a lot of things.
You've heard me share a lot ofdifferent parts of my story and
and there are so many, just likeif you read any good story,
(06:07):
there are so many differentchapters, there are so many
different characters, there areso many different parts, their
main characters.
Some chapters are longer, somechapters are shorter, some
people play major parts, somepeople play play small parts,
but it all works together foryour good.
(06:28):
So the particular conversationwe were having there was a young
lady.
She and I were best friends inhigh school in my young adult
years of my life and you guys,those of you who've been rocking
with me for a while now you'veheard me mention her before, but
(06:55):
she and I were best friends.
I'm talking about thick asthieves thick as thieves.
She was more like my sisterthan my friend, but we were best
friends in high school and thisis not about her but her mother
.
But she and I were.
I'm talking about she was likemy sister, because I don't have
(07:17):
sisters, but she was like mysister.
But she and I were very close.
But her mother she played sucha pivotal part in my life.
I spent a lot of days in herhome because my friend and I at
the time she and I would ridehome together after school
(07:37):
because we both drove.
We would ride home togetherafter school.
We would spend weekendstogether because we would go out
or shopping or go eat or justbe at her house or whatever.
Because we were that close.
I mean, like I said, thick asthieves, but I was always
welcome in their home.
Her mom and dad treated me likefamily.
(07:59):
Because, again, I'm telling you,this episode today is about
chosen family and the reason I'mreferencing this, because I
want you to have context fortoday's episode and why this is
so important to me personallyand I'm sure some of you are
going to really resonate withthis.
I'm sure you are, and if youdon't, I understand, because
(08:21):
this was another part of theconversation my girlfriend and I
were talking about.
Because some people don'trelate to this.
Some people don't understandand I used to.
Before I became more wise, moremature, before I got a little
older, I didn't alwaysunderstand why people didn't
understand why friendship was soimportant, why this chosen
(08:45):
family was so important, why itdidn't mean so much or didn't
run so deep with some people.
But now I understand.
This doesn't resonate witheverybody.
Everybody doesn't have this.
Everybody didn't have this intheir lives and I understand.
I understand, but we were soclose and we we spent so much
(09:09):
time together and her familyalways welcomed me in their home
and so, growing up in highschool and again in my early
young adult years, going intocollege, etc.
We were always together.
My going into my freshman yearin college, they lived less than
10 minutes from my college.
(09:29):
Well, as a lot of you guys know, um, my parents were separated
at this time and my mom wasmoving and things were just
difficult for me at that time.
Without just going into allthose details, things were very
difficult for me at that time.
Without just going into all ofthose details, things were very
(09:50):
difficult for me.
Things were not stable.
So to give me a stable placeand somewhere I could just have
during that college time andsuch a pivotal time in my life,
her parents gave me a room attheir home where I could have as
I get ready to go to collegethat summer, before going into
college, where I could have,where my clothes could be, I
(10:10):
could have a bed and a room andan area just for me, just a safe
space and a safe area for me asI prepared to go in college,
and this is the area that I hadfor me, and also on the weekends
during college, while I wasthere, because I wasn't there
alone.
For those of you who know mystory, I dropped out of college
(10:33):
my freshman year because I foundout I was pregnant with my son.
So I wasn't there alone, butwhile I was there, I had this
safe space, a place that wasmine, from people that wasn't my
family, but they were like myfamily.
They loved me, they supportedme, they encouraged me, they
(10:54):
pushed me, and they didn't haveto.
They chose to do that because Iwas their daughter's friend,
because we were that close.
They chose to do this.
They didn't have to do this,they were not obligated to do
this, they didn't have anobligation to me, but they chose
to do this.
They chose to love me.
(11:14):
They chose to do these thingsfor me because this is what they
wanted.
This is what chosen family is.
So when I had my son, after Idropped out of college, things
could have been so up in the airfor me.
I didn't know what I wanted todo.
I didn't know what life wasgoing to be like for me.
I dropped out of college.
(11:35):
I'm a teenage mom, young adult.
You know, I'm 19 years old, Idon't know what I'm going to do.
Well, this same friend's mom,she told me about this contract
job position at her job in thebuilding where she worked, and
she helped me get on In thatsame field in healthcare that
(11:57):
she helped me get on all thoseyears ago when I was 19, 20
years old, after having my son,my first child, don't you know?
That is exactly what I do for aliving.
Now I don't work in thathospital anymore, in that area
anymore, but that's the samefield of work in healthcare that
(12:19):
I still do to this day.
I fell in love with it all thoseyears ago and now I'm in a
senior role, still doing it tothis day.
I fell in love with it allthose years ago and now I'm in a
senior role, still doing it tothis day.
And it was all because shebelieved in me, she encouraged
me, she supported me and shehelped me.
She gave me a leg up and thatmeant everything to me.
Again, she had no obligation tome.
(12:41):
She didn't have to do that forme, but she did.
She chose to, she supported me,she cared for me, she loved me
chosen family and this wholeweekend, while I was there in
Orlando, after talking to mygirlfriend and sharing this with
her, and we just went back andforth about all of the people,
(13:02):
all of the different ways we'vehad people just like that, just
like that and the way we've paidit forward, doing it for other
people the same way, people wehave no obligation to, but we
chose to do it the same waypeople have done it for us.
Chosen family, because thatthing runs deep within me.
(13:24):
Friendship is something that Itake very seriously.
Chosen family is something thatI take very seriously.
The people who are connected tome, the people that I have in
my life.
There's nothing I wouldn't dofor them.
There is not many things that Iwouldn't do for them, and
that's because people like myfriend from high school her mom
(13:49):
did for me and she didn't haveto.
She showed me how to lovepeople because I didn't have a
lot of that in my life growingup, especially not from people
who wasn't obligated to me.
I didn't have that from a lotof people that were obligated to
me.
So to have someone come into mylife and show me that and I
(14:10):
know that was only because ofGod.
I know God did that.
I know God placed her in mylife.
I know God did that.
I know God placed her in mylife.
I know God placed that friendin my life.
I know God placed her family inmy life and they came and they
were God's hands and feet onthis earth that I was able to
tangibly see God before I evenknew God, before I even had a
(14:31):
relationship with God.
And that's chosen family.
These are people who are notblood related to you, who are
not obligated to you, who don'thave ties to you necessarily,
but they choose to show up foryou even when they don't have to
.
So that on my way back home,traveling back to Mississippi,
(14:56):
that thing has stuck with me soheavy and I hadn't talked to her
, to this friend's mom, in yearsbecause this friend, she died a
couple years ago God rest hersoul and I hadn't talked to her
(15:16):
mom since her passing.
But this thing has stuck withme so heavy because I will never
forget how she loved me.
I'll never forget it.
That thing runs deep whenyou're grateful and you
appreciate somebody so much, butsomething they didn't have to
(15:38):
do.
That thing sticks with you.
So I reached out to her andtold her how much I thanked her
and how much I appreciated herand how I'll never forget how
she showed up for me and how Iam the woman that I am today
because of the part that sheplayed in my life.
That was such a pivotal part inmy life.
My life was so hectic back then.
(15:59):
Things were so up in the airfor me back then and I know
things could have been totallydifferent for me.
I know it could have been If itwasn't, for the grace of God
there go I.
I know that for me, I know it.
So I just had to tell her thankyou and that one message to her
(16:23):
.
It just it was a ripple effectand it just started a whole
nother conversation and we justgot into a whole bunch of other
things and talking about, justtalking about life, just talking
about life, just talking aboutlife, and I'm grateful, I'm just
(16:43):
grateful.
So if you have people in yourlife like that, if anybody has,
has impacted your life, blessyour life like that in any way,
tell them thank you.
Don't take that for granted.
Tell them thank you.
Don't take that for granted.
Tell them thank you.
So let's go ahead and jump intotoday's episode Chosen family.
(17:06):
What is chosen family, if youdon't know by now?
A group of people who areintentionally chosen for their
support, love and respect,regardless of biological or
legal ties and I love that wordthere.
Intentionally, because this isnot just by happen, chance, it
(17:30):
doesn't just happen, it's not acoincidence, it's intentionally
chosen.
You intentionally choose thesepeople to be in your life.
Why is a chosen familyimportant, you ask.
So, after a little research,these are some things that I
(17:51):
found, and I happen to agreewith these because, again I told
you, this chosen family thingruns deep for me.
One, a sense of community andcare, especially for those who
may have been rejected by theirbiological family.
(18:12):
So a chosen family isespecially important for those
who may have been rejected bytheir biological family.
Every person is not close totheir biological family, the
family that they were born into,that they come from.
That's something that we takefor granted, especially those
who are very close to theirbiological family.
(18:33):
We assume that everyone is thatway.
Everyone does not come from aclose-knit biological family.
It's just not the case.
So this sense of community andcare is very important to a
person who is not close to theirbiological family.
Two love, support andaffirmation during difficult
(18:57):
times.
This one is very important.
This one is very, veryimportant when you're going
through difficult times.
To have that love, support andaffirmation from that chosen
family is very important.
To have those people in yourlife who love you, support you
(19:21):
and affirm you when you're goingthrough difficult times where
you don't feel alone.
But you have those chosenpeople, especially because they
have no obligation to you.
They don't have to do thesethings.
They're doing it because theychoose to.
They're doing it because theywant to, not because they have
to.
Three, last but not least, theyhelp people feel wanted and
(19:47):
cared for.
There's nothing better thanfeeling wanted and cared for,
again, because they have noobligation to you.
They simply do it because theylove you, they want to, they
care about you.
What does a chosen familyprovide?
Okay, let's go through a few ofthese, because I know some
(20:10):
people may be on the other sidelistening to this.
You may have trust issues.
You may have been hurt by yourbiological family, the family
that you come from, and you maybe like if I can't even trust
the family that I came from, thefamily that's supposed to love
me, the family that's supposedto care about me, the family
(20:31):
that's supposed to show up forme.
Why should I care?
Why should I trust the peoplethat have no obligation to me?
Why A chosen family provides agroup of people who are
emotionally close and considereach other family.
(20:53):
No, they might not be yourbiological family, but that's
the beautiful thing about it.
They consider you to be family.
They choose you.
You are emotionally close.
You may not be close by blood,but you are emotionally close,
(21:14):
you feel close, they want to beclose and they consider you
family, even though you are nottechnically family.
I feel more closer to thepeople in my life who I consider
to be family, my chosen familyper se, than most of the people
(21:34):
who I am related to by blood.
And that's just being honestand that's no knock to my
biological family, but that'sjust because I have built and
invested in these relationshipswith people, and these are most
of the people that I consider tobe my chosen family.
(21:56):
I have been in theserelationships with these people
over 10 years.
These are relationships that Ihave invested in.
My children have grew up aroundthese people.
I have been on trips with thesepeople.
I have ate with these people.
I have cried with these people.
I have celebrated with thesepeople.
I have grieved with thesepeople.
I have had surgeries with thesepeople.
I've been in church with thesepeople.
(22:16):
I have grieved with thesepeople.
I have had surgeries with thesepeople.
I've been in church with thesepeople.
We've worshiped together.
I mean we have done lifetogether.
We've had marriages together,we've had babies together.
We have literally done lifetogether.
We've moved out of state withone another.
We've literally helped oneanother move out of state, back
into state in our differenthomes together.
(22:37):
We've had to help friends burytheir spouses.
When I tell you, we've donelife together, we've done life
together.
Two a non-biological kinshipbond based on mutual support and
(22:57):
love.
Our bond is based on mutualsupport and love.
That's what you want A bondthat's based on mutual support.
We mutually support one another.
I support you, you support me.
It mutually support one another.
I support you, you support me.
It's not one-sided.
(23:19):
I'm not giving all while you'regetting nothing, and vice versa
.
I love you and you love me.
It's not a one-sidedrelationship.
Three a group of people whovalidate your life experiences
and affirm your identity.
(23:39):
We validate one one another'slife experiences and affirm each
other's identity.
I don't try to make you besomebody that you're not.
I validate what's going on inyour life.
I validate what's going on inyour life and that's one of the
differences when it's chosenfamily versus family.
(24:03):
Sometimes families have a hardtime doing this.
Sometimes they do the completeopposite and it's because
sometimes you get comfortable.
You know we're related by blood.
We feel like we're not goinganywhere.
You know I'm related to you.
(24:23):
You're going to always be mycousin, or always be my brother,
or always be my sister, oralways be my mom, or always be
my grandma, whatever thatrelationship is.
Instead of validating someone'slife experiences or affirming
their identity, we do theopposite, because we don't want
(24:46):
to see that person as thatperson.
We only can see thatrelationship You're my sister
Instead of seeing that person asa human being, who they are, as
a person.
Four a group of people who youwould want to call in times of
(25:11):
need when something happens inyour life.
Just think about it.
Just take a second right now.
If something happens your carbreaks down, your child gets
sick, you, you lose your job whoare the automatic go-to people
Like, just without even thinkingabout it?
Who are the people that pop upin your mind that you want to
(25:33):
call.
Like you want to call, not thatyou feel like you're obligated
to because of that relationship,but who are the people that you
want to call.
Who are those people?
Because I have my people that Iwant to call.
Who are those people?
Because I have my people that Iwant to call, like I have my
people, like after my husband,because that's my husband, like
(25:54):
I'm going to call him, but likeafter my people.
I have a list of people I knowI want to call.
I know I want to know aboutthis.
I know I want to be praying forme.
I know I want to be praying forme.
I know I want to be checking onme, knowing what's going on
with me, being to know about me.
I know I got those people and,if I'm being honest, if I'm
being completely honest andtransparent, it's chosen family.
(26:18):
Lastly, how can you find yourchosen family?
Okay, for some of you may bewondering it.
You told me about what a chosenfamily provides.
Why a chosen family?
Okay, cause some of you may bewondering it.
Okay, you told me about what achosen family provides, why a
chosen family is important.
How can I find this chosenfamily?
Cause you may not have chosenfamily, or you may even have
chosen family, but not sure thatthey are chosen family, or how
(26:41):
to talk to them about being yourchosen family or letting them
know you want them to be yourchosen family, like, how do you
get to that next step?
How can you find your chosenfamily?
One, reflect on what kinds ofrelationships you want to
cultivate, and cultivate meansto apply oneself to improving or
(27:02):
developing.
How do you want to improve onor develop this kind of
relationship?
Reflect on what kind ofrelationship this is that you
want to cultivate.
Okay, so take a moment withthat.
Like, really think about it.
Take some time to reflect onthat and see what kind of
relationship it is you want tocultivate.
(27:23):
Like, take some time to reallythink about that.
It is you want to cultivate.
Take some time to really thinkabout that.
Next, consider who you wouldwant to call in times of need.
And it goes back to our lastsection, when I asked you what
does a chosen family provide?
And I told you these group ofpeople are the people who you
(27:44):
would want to call in times ofneed.
So how can you find your chosenfamily, you would consider who
you would want to call in timesof need.
So you may be thinking aboutpeople that you want to be your
chosen family, you may have afew people that you think of,
but would you really call themin your times of need?
(28:05):
Because you may think aboutthem, because you like them, you
know you like to hang out withthem, but are these people you
actually would call in yourtimes of need?
Like, are they legit goodpeople to be your chosen family?
Because just because youconsider somebody to be an
associate or a friend or someoneyou wanna hang out with, to
(28:26):
have a good time with, doesn'tnecessarily mean they need to be
your chosen family.
Cause chosen family is on awhole nother level.
Okay, just cause they a goodtime don't mean they need to be
chosen family.
So consider who you would wantto call in times of need, okay.
So consider who you would wantto call in times of need, okay.
(28:47):
Number three consider who youwould want to call if you
receive the worst news of yourlife.
So this goes up a whole notherlevel.
Because I asked you to considerwho you would want to call in
times of need.
Now I'm telling you to considerwho you would want to call if
you receive the worst news ofyour life.
(29:10):
So take a moment, think aboutwhat the worst news of your life
is and I don't want to put thison you or any of that or any
event but let's think about someworse news you could receive.
Let's say you lost a job,someone was in a car accident, a
(29:38):
parent got sick, you got adiagnosis from your doctor.
Who are the people that come up?
What are the names you think of?
Consider those people.
Last but not least four Lookfor possibilities in your
(29:59):
existing relationships.
Sometimes we have people rightnow in our lives who are our
chosen family and we just needto consider them.
We need to cultivate thoserelationships, build on those
(30:19):
relationships, take the time toreally get to know them, spend
more time with them, talk tothem more, get to know them more
, rely on them more, depend onthem more, give them more
opportunities to show up for you, because sometimes it may be
trust issues.
(30:39):
We don't want to rely onanybody, we don't want to ask
for help.
It may be various reasons, butlook for the possibilities in
your existing relationships withpeople you already have in your
life.
Take a moment, even if you needto write some names down, but
just take a moment and look forthe possibilities of the people
(31:03):
you already have in your life.
Is there anyone, even if it'sjust one or two people, because
it don't have to be a lot ofpeople?
I don't have a big circle ofpeople of my chosen family, but
I do have reliable people in mylife who I consider to be my
(31:26):
chosen family, and I will saythis because, again, this is a
relationship podcast who youconsider to be your chosen
family.
They should also be chosenfamily for your partner or your
spouse and for your children, ifyou have them, the people that
(31:46):
are able to show up for you.
They should also be showing upfor your partner or your spouse
and your family.
When I was in Orlando, visitingone of my closest friends there
, she and her husband hosted meone of the days that I was there
and I had a beautiful time.
We went and hung out, we haddinner reservations, we just had
(32:10):
an amazing time and there was atime in my life where I prayed
for something like that and nowto be here living it on my
flight home.
I cried and it was happy tears,just to see the life that I'm
(32:32):
living now versus what my lifecould have been.
That's all I could think about.
And it was because of thechosen family, the people that I
have in my life, of the chosenfamily, the people that I have
in my life.
(32:58):
I encourage you don't live on anisland.
God did not create us to bethat way.
I encourage you to let yourguard down, your wall down, to
love the people in your life andallow yourself to be loved as
well.
I hope today's episode hasblessed you, encouraged you in
some way.
Remember I love you, but Godloves you so much more, and I'll
(33:23):
see you guys next week.
Bye, bye, week Bye.
I hope you guys have enjoyed.
Follow me on Facebook at Demowith Mo.
If you have any questions youwould like answered here, live
on my podcast, email them to meat Demo with Mo at gmailcom.
(33:43):
That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O atgmailcom.
what's up, guys?
Welcome to demo with mo.
I'm your host, monique simmons.
We'll be discussing dating,engaged and married objectives
from a young christian'sperspective.
Are you guys ready?
Let's dive in.
Hey, what's up, guys?
Welcome to a new episode ofDemo with Mo.
(00:28):
I am your host, monique Simmons.
This past weekend, I had theprivilege of going to Orlando,
florida, for a podcastconference known as PodFest.
This was their 11th year ofholding this podcast conference
and this was their 11th year ofholding this podcast conference
(00:48):
and this was my first time going, and this actually was my first
time going to a podcastconference and that's why I
consider it to be a privilege.
This was actually one of mylong, long-term goals to
actually go to a podcastconference, and it was more than
I could have expected.
(01:09):
I actually have been gettingover a cold and, to be perfectly
honest, I didn't even know if Iwas going to have to cancel the
trip.
My four-year-old daughterbrought something home from
daycare which all of my parentsout there I know you guys can
relate is just something aboutthe daycare and you know the
germs and all of the things, allof the things.
(01:31):
She brought something home andshe got sick and then it went
around our household and it hitme and it took me down through
there and I just didn't know ifI was going to be able to make
it or not.
But thank God I got much betterbefore it was time to go and I
was able to go on the trip.
But I said I like to say I wasnot feeling my best on the trip,
(01:55):
but I still was able to enjoyit.
I was able to also see one ofmy closest friends and her
husband, who live in Orlando, soI was able to kill two birds
with one stone on this trip andI just had an absolutely amazing
time.
This was one of my long-termgoals for my podcast to be able
(02:21):
to go on one of these podcastconferences, not the podcast per
se, but to be able to go on apodcast conference.
I wanted to be able to connectwith other podcast hosts, to
learn as much as I could, toconnect with the people that I
needed to connect with and tojust move forward in this
podcasting community.
(02:43):
And I got that and even muchmore.
It was like this fire was litup under me and I'm so excited.
I'm so excited for all of thethings that are ahead for me.
I'm so excited for all of thethings that God has shown me,
for the places that he has putme in, for the people he has
connected me with.
(03:04):
I'm just excited.
I'm really excited for all thatGod is doing.
One of the things that this tripshowed me my girlfriend and I
we went out for brunch on one ofthe days while I was there and
we just got to talking aboutlife and how much we've grown
(03:27):
because we've been friends 10years plus and we've just talked
about where we came from, likewhere we were when we became
friends, and all that God hasdone in our lives and in our
careers, in our relationships,in our marriages as women, just
in all areas of our lives, howwe've grown and just the
(03:52):
community we built around oneanother, our villages and the
people who have helped us getthere.
And that is what we're going tobe talking about today Chosen
family.
And I'm saying all of thisbecause, while I was out there
(04:13):
for this podcast conference,because I was traveling alone
and I had so much time alone tothink about everything that has
gotten me to the place where Iam in life, and if you're
anything like me and if you'renot self-centered or selfish or
any of those things.
You know that you did not getto where you are in your life by
(04:37):
yourself.
You know you didn't get herealone.
You know that where you'restanding at in your life right
now was not because of you alone.
You know that it was by thegrace of God.
You know that it was by family,friends, community, your
(05:01):
village.
It was orchestrated all by God,the people he placed in your
life being at the right place atthe right time.
Because you were placed there,connected with the right people,
had the right conversations.
It didn't happen byhappenstance, it wasn't by
(05:22):
coincidence, it wasn't by chance.
And that's what my friend and Ibegan to talk about and I began
to reminisce on all of thethings, even as a young woman,
as a teenager, all of the thingsthat had happened in my life
that got me up into this placewhere I am today, and a specific
(05:43):
conversation that got me here,and there were so many people
that played a part, played apart in my life.
So when you hear me say this, Ijust want you guys to know,
because if you've been rockingwith me for a while, you've
heard me share a lot of things.
You've heard me share a lot ofdifferent parts of my story and
and there are so many, just likeif you read any good story,
(06:07):
there are so many differentchapters, there are so many
different characters, there areso many different parts, their
main characters.
Some chapters are longer, somechapters are shorter, some
people play major parts, somepeople play play small parts,
but it all works together foryour good.
(06:28):
So the particular conversationwe were having there was a young
lady.
She and I were best friends inhigh school in my young adult
years of my life and you guys,those of you who've been rocking
with me for a while now you'veheard me mention her before, but
(06:55):
she and I were best friends.
I'm talking about thick asthieves thick as thieves.
She was more like my sisterthan my friend, but we were best
friends in high school and thisis not about her but her mother
.
But she and I were.
I'm talking about she was likemy sister, because I don't have
(07:17):
sisters, but she was like mysister.
But she and I were very close.
But her mother she played sucha pivotal part in my life.
I spent a lot of days in herhome because my friend and I at
the time she and I would ridehome together after school
(07:37):
because we both drove.
We would ride home togetherafter school.
We would spend weekendstogether because we would go out
or shopping or go eat or justbe at her house or whatever.
Because we were that close.
I mean, like I said, thick asthieves, but I was always
welcome in their home.
Her mom and dad treated me likefamily.
(07:59):
Because, again, I'm telling you,this episode today is about
chosen family and the reason I'mreferencing this, because I
want you to have context fortoday's episode and why this is
so important to me personallyand I'm sure some of you are
going to really resonate withthis.
I'm sure you are, and if youdon't, I understand, because
(08:21):
this was another part of theconversation my girlfriend and I
were talking about.
Because some people don'trelate to this.
Some people don't understandand I used to.
Before I became more wise, moremature, before I got a little
older, I didn't alwaysunderstand why people didn't
understand why friendship was soimportant, why this chosen
(08:45):
family was so important, why itdidn't mean so much or didn't
run so deep with some people.
But now I understand.
This doesn't resonate witheverybody.
Everybody doesn't have this.
Everybody didn't have this intheir lives and I understand.
I understand, but we were soclose and we we spent so much
(09:09):
time together and her familyalways welcomed me in their home
and so, growing up in highschool and again in my early
young adult years, going intocollege, etc.
We were always together.
My going into my freshman yearin college, they lived less than
10 minutes from my college.
(09:29):
Well, as a lot of you guys know, um, my parents were separated
at this time and my mom wasmoving and things were just
difficult for me at that time.
Without just going into allthose details, things were very
difficult for me at that time.
Without just going into all ofthose details, things were very
(09:50):
difficult for me.
Things were not stable.
So to give me a stable placeand somewhere I could just have
during that college time andsuch a pivotal time in my life,
her parents gave me a room attheir home where I could have as
I get ready to go to collegethat summer, before going into
college, where I could have,where my clothes could be, I
(10:10):
could have a bed and a room andan area just for me, just a safe
space and a safe area for me asI prepared to go in college,
and this is the area that I hadfor me, and also on the weekends
during college, while I wasthere, because I wasn't there
alone.
For those of you who know mystory, I dropped out of college
(10:33):
my freshman year because I foundout I was pregnant with my son.
So I wasn't there alone, butwhile I was there, I had this
safe space, a place that wasmine, from people that wasn't my
family, but they were like myfamily.
They loved me, they supportedme, they encouraged me, they
(10:54):
pushed me, and they didn't haveto.
They chose to do that because Iwas their daughter's friend,
because we were that close.
They chose to do this.
They didn't have to do this,they were not obligated to do
this, they didn't have anobligation to me, but they chose
to do this.
They chose to love me.
(11:14):
They chose to do these thingsfor me because this is what they
wanted.
This is what chosen family is.
So when I had my son, after Idropped out of college, things
could have been so up in the airfor me.
I didn't know what I wanted todo.
I didn't know what life wasgoing to be like for me.
I dropped out of college.
(11:35):
I'm a teenage mom, young adult.
You know, I'm 19 years old, Idon't know what I'm going to do.
Well, this same friend's mom,she told me about this contract
job position at her job in thebuilding where she worked, and
she helped me get on In thatsame field in healthcare that
(11:57):
she helped me get on all thoseyears ago when I was 19, 20
years old, after having my son,my first child, don't you know?
That is exactly what I do for aliving.
Now I don't work in thathospital anymore, in that area
anymore, but that's the samefield of work in healthcare that
(12:19):
I still do to this day.
I fell in love with it all thoseyears ago and now I'm in a
senior role, still doing it tothis day.
I fell in love with it allthose years ago and now I'm in a
senior role, still doing it tothis day.
And it was all because shebelieved in me, she encouraged
me, she supported me and shehelped me.
She gave me a leg up and thatmeant everything to me.
Again, she had no obligation tome.
(12:41):
She didn't have to do that forme, but she did.
She chose to, she supported me,she cared for me, she loved me
chosen family and this wholeweekend, while I was there in
Orlando, after talking to mygirlfriend and sharing this with
her, and we just went back andforth about all of the people,
(13:02):
all of the different ways we'vehad people just like that, just
like that and the way we've paidit forward, doing it for other
people the same way, people wehave no obligation to, but we
chose to do it the same waypeople have done it for us.
Chosen family, because thatthing runs deep within me.
(13:24):
Friendship is something that Itake very seriously.
Chosen family is something thatI take very seriously.
The people who are connected tome, the people that I have in
my life.
There's nothing I wouldn't dofor them.
There is not many things that Iwouldn't do for them, and
that's because people like myfriend from high school her mom
(13:49):
did for me and she didn't haveto.
She showed me how to lovepeople because I didn't have a
lot of that in my life growingup, especially not from people
who wasn't obligated to me.
I didn't have that from a lotof people that were obligated to
me.
So to have someone come into mylife and show me that and I
(14:10):
know that was only because ofGod.
I know God did that.
I know God placed her in mylife.
I know God did that.
I know God placed her in mylife.
I know God placed that friendin my life.
I know God placed her family inmy life and they came and they
were God's hands and feet onthis earth that I was able to
tangibly see God before I evenknew God, before I even had a
(14:31):
relationship with God.
And that's chosen family.
These are people who are notblood related to you, who are
not obligated to you, who don'thave ties to you necessarily,
but they choose to show up foryou even when they don't have to
.
So that on my way back home,traveling back to Mississippi,
(14:56):
that thing has stuck with me soheavy and I hadn't talked to her
, to this friend's mom, in yearsbecause this friend, she died a
couple years ago God rest hersoul and I hadn't talked to her
(15:16):
mom since her passing.
But this thing has stuck withme so heavy because I will never
forget how she loved me.
I'll never forget it.
That thing runs deep whenyou're grateful and you
appreciate somebody so much, butsomething they didn't have to
(15:38):
do.
That thing sticks with you.
So I reached out to her andtold her how much I thanked her
and how much I appreciated herand how I'll never forget how
she showed up for me and how Iam the woman that I am today
because of the part that sheplayed in my life.
That was such a pivotal part inmy life.
My life was so hectic back then.
(15:59):
Things were so up in the airfor me back then and I know
things could have been totallydifferent for me.
I know it could have been If itwasn't, for the grace of God
there go I.
I know that for me, I know it.
So I just had to tell her thankyou and that one message to her
(16:23):
.
It just it was a ripple effectand it just started a whole
nother conversation and we justgot into a whole bunch of other
things and talking about, justtalking about life, just talking
about life, just talking aboutlife, and I'm grateful, I'm just
(16:43):
grateful.
So if you have people in yourlife like that, if anybody has,
has impacted your life, blessyour life like that in any way,
tell them thank you.
Don't take that for granted.
Tell them thank you.
Don't take that for granted.
Tell them thank you.
So let's go ahead and jump intotoday's episode Chosen family.
(17:06):
What is chosen family, if youdon't know by now?
A group of people who areintentionally chosen for their
support, love and respect,regardless of biological or
legal ties and I love that wordthere.
Intentionally, because this isnot just by happen, chance, it
(17:30):
doesn't just happen, it's not acoincidence, it's intentionally
chosen.
You intentionally choose thesepeople to be in your life.
Why is a chosen familyimportant, you ask.
So, after a little research,these are some things that I
(17:51):
found, and I happen to agreewith these because, again I told
you, this chosen family thingruns deep for me.
One, a sense of community andcare, especially for those who
may have been rejected by theirbiological family.
(18:12):
So a chosen family isespecially important for those
who may have been rejected bytheir biological family.
Every person is not close totheir biological family, the
family that they were born into,that they come from.
That's something that we takefor granted, especially those
who are very close to theirbiological family.
(18:33):
We assume that everyone is thatway.
Everyone does not come from aclose-knit biological family.
It's just not the case.
So this sense of community andcare is very important to a
person who is not close to theirbiological family.
Two love, support andaffirmation during difficult
(18:57):
times.
This one is very important.
This one is very, veryimportant when you're going
through difficult times.
To have that love, support andaffirmation from that chosen
family is very important.
To have those people in yourlife who love you, support you
(19:21):
and affirm you when you're goingthrough difficult times where
you don't feel alone.
But you have those chosenpeople, especially because they
have no obligation to you.
They don't have to do thesethings.
They're doing it because theychoose to.
They're doing it because theywant to, not because they have
to.
Three, last but not least, theyhelp people feel wanted and
(19:47):
cared for.
There's nothing better thanfeeling wanted and cared for,
again, because they have noobligation to you.
They simply do it because theylove you, they want to, they
care about you.
What does a chosen familyprovide?
Okay, let's go through a few ofthese, because I know some
(20:10):
people may be on the other sidelistening to this.
You may have trust issues.
You may have been hurt by yourbiological family, the family
that you come from, and you maybe like if I can't even trust
the family that I came from, thefamily that's supposed to love
me, the family that's supposedto care about me, the family
(20:31):
that's supposed to show up forme.
Why should I care?
Why should I trust the peoplethat have no obligation to me?
Why A chosen family provides agroup of people who are
emotionally close and considereach other family.
(20:53):
No, they might not be yourbiological family, but that's
the beautiful thing about it.
They consider you to be family.
They choose you.
You are emotionally close.
You may not be close by blood,but you are emotionally close,
(21:14):
you feel close, they want to beclose and they consider you
family, even though you are nottechnically family.
I feel more closer to thepeople in my life who I consider
to be family, my chosen familyper se, than most of the people
(21:34):
who I am related to by blood.
And that's just being honestand that's no knock to my
biological family, but that'sjust because I have built and
invested in these relationshipswith people, and these are most
of the people that I consider tobe my chosen family.
(21:56):
I have been in theserelationships with these people
over 10 years.
These are relationships that Ihave invested in.
My children have grew up aroundthese people.
I have been on trips with thesepeople.
I have ate with these people.
I have cried with these people.
I have celebrated with thesepeople.
I have grieved with thesepeople.
I have had surgeries with thesepeople.
I've been in church with thesepeople.
(22:16):
I have grieved with thesepeople.
I have had surgeries with thesepeople.
I've been in church with thesepeople.
We've worshiped together.
I mean we have done lifetogether.
We've had marriages together,we've had babies together.
We have literally done lifetogether.
We've moved out of state withone another.
We've literally helped oneanother move out of state, back
into state in our differenthomes together.
(22:37):
We've had to help friends burytheir spouses.
When I tell you, we've donelife together, we've done life
together.
Two a non-biological kinshipbond based on mutual support and
(22:57):
love.
Our bond is based on mutualsupport and love.
That's what you want A bondthat's based on mutual support.
We mutually support one another.
I support you, you support me.
It mutually support one another.
I support you, you support me.
It's not one-sided.
(23:19):
I'm not giving all while you'regetting nothing, and vice versa
.
I love you and you love me.
It's not a one-sidedrelationship.
Three a group of people whovalidate your life experiences
and affirm your identity.
(23:39):
We validate one one another'slife experiences and affirm each
other's identity.
I don't try to make you besomebody that you're not.
I validate what's going on inyour life.
I validate what's going on inyour life and that's one of the
differences when it's chosenfamily versus family.
(24:03):
Sometimes families have a hardtime doing this.
Sometimes they do the completeopposite and it's because
sometimes you get comfortable.
You know we're related by blood.
We feel like we're not goinganywhere.
You know I'm related to you.
(24:23):
You're going to always be mycousin, or always be my brother,
or always be my sister, oralways be my mom, or always be
my grandma, whatever thatrelationship is.
Instead of validating someone'slife experiences or affirming
their identity, we do theopposite, because we don't want
(24:46):
to see that person as thatperson.
We only can see thatrelationship You're my sister
Instead of seeing that person asa human being, who they are, as
a person.
Four a group of people who youwould want to call in times of
(25:11):
need when something happens inyour life.
Just think about it.
Just take a second right now.
If something happens your carbreaks down, your child gets
sick, you, you lose your job whoare the automatic go-to people
Like, just without even thinkingabout it?
Who are the people that pop upin your mind that you want to
(25:33):
call.
Like you want to call, not thatyou feel like you're obligated
to because of that relationship,but who are the people that you
want to call.
Who are those people?
Because I have my people that Iwant to call.
Who are those people?
Because I have my people that Iwant to call, like I have my
people, like after my husband,because that's my husband, like
(25:54):
I'm going to call him, but likeafter my people.
I have a list of people I knowI want to call.
I know I want to know aboutthis.
I know I want to be praying forme.
I know I want to be praying forme.
I know I want to be checking onme, knowing what's going on
with me, being to know about me.
I know I got those people and,if I'm being honest, if I'm
being completely honest andtransparent, it's chosen family.
(26:18):
Lastly, how can you find yourchosen family?
Okay, for some of you may bewondering it.
You told me about what a chosenfamily provides.
Why a chosen family?
Okay, cause some of you may bewondering it.
Okay, you told me about what achosen family provides, why a
chosen family is important.
How can I find this chosenfamily?
Cause you may not have chosenfamily, or you may even have
chosen family, but not sure thatthey are chosen family, or how
(26:41):
to talk to them about being yourchosen family or letting them
know you want them to be yourchosen family, like, how do you
get to that next step?
How can you find your chosenfamily?
One, reflect on what kinds ofrelationships you want to
cultivate, and cultivate meansto apply oneself to improving or
(27:02):
developing.
How do you want to improve onor develop this kind of
relationship?
Reflect on what kind ofrelationship this is that you
want to cultivate.
Okay, so take a moment withthat.
Like, really think about it.
Take some time to reflect onthat and see what kind of
relationship it is you want tocultivate.
(27:23):
Like, take some time to reallythink about that.
It is you want to cultivate.
Take some time to really thinkabout that.
Next, consider who you wouldwant to call in times of need.
And it goes back to our lastsection, when I asked you what
does a chosen family provide?
And I told you these group ofpeople are the people who you
(27:44):
would want to call in times ofneed.
So how can you find your chosenfamily, you would consider who
you would want to call in timesof need.
So you may be thinking aboutpeople that you want to be your
chosen family, you may have afew people that you think of,
but would you really call themin your times of need?
(28:05):
Because you may think aboutthem, because you like them, you
know you like to hang out withthem, but are these people you
actually would call in yourtimes of need?
Like, are they legit goodpeople to be your chosen family?
Because just because youconsider somebody to be an
associate or a friend or someoneyou wanna hang out with, to
(28:26):
have a good time with, doesn'tnecessarily mean they need to be
your chosen family.
Cause chosen family is on awhole nother level.
Okay, just cause they a goodtime don't mean they need to be
chosen family.
So consider who you would wantto call in times of need, okay.
So consider who you would wantto call in times of need, okay.
(28:47):
Number three consider who youwould want to call if you
receive the worst news of yourlife.
So this goes up a whole notherlevel.
Because I asked you to considerwho you would want to call in
times of need.
Now I'm telling you to considerwho you would want to call if
you receive the worst news ofyour life.
(29:10):
So take a moment, think aboutwhat the worst news of your life
is and I don't want to put thison you or any of that or any
event but let's think about someworse news you could receive.
Let's say you lost a job,someone was in a car accident, a
(29:38):
parent got sick, you got adiagnosis from your doctor.
Who are the people that come up?
What are the names you think of?
Consider those people.
Last but not least four Lookfor possibilities in your
(29:59):
existing relationships.
Sometimes we have people rightnow in our lives who are our
chosen family and we just needto consider them.
We need to cultivate thoserelationships, build on those
(30:19):
relationships, take the time toreally get to know them, spend
more time with them, talk tothem more, get to know them more
, rely on them more, depend onthem more, give them more
opportunities to show up for you, because sometimes it may be
trust issues.
(30:39):
We don't want to rely onanybody, we don't want to ask
for help.
It may be various reasons, butlook for the possibilities in
your existing relationships withpeople you already have in your
life.
Take a moment, even if you needto write some names down, but
just take a moment and look forthe possibilities of the people
(31:03):
you already have in your life.
Is there anyone, even if it'sjust one or two people, because
it don't have to be a lot ofpeople?
I don't have a big circle ofpeople of my chosen family, but
I do have reliable people in mylife who I consider to be my
(31:26):
chosen family, and I will saythis because, again, this is a
relationship podcast who youconsider to be your chosen
family.
They should also be chosenfamily for your partner or your
spouse and for your children, ifyou have them, the people that
(31:46):
are able to show up for you.
They should also be showing upfor your partner or your spouse
and your family.
When I was in Orlando, visitingone of my closest friends there
, she and her husband hosted meone of the days that I was there
and I had a beautiful time.
We went and hung out, we haddinner reservations, we just had
(32:10):
an amazing time and there was atime in my life where I prayed
for something like that and nowto be here living it on my
flight home.
I cried and it was happy tears,just to see the life that I'm
(32:32):
living now versus what my lifecould have been.
That's all I could think about.
And it was because of thechosen family, the people that I
have in my life, of the chosenfamily, the people that I have
in my life.
(32:58):
I encourage you don't live on anisland.
God did not create us to bethat way.
I encourage you to let yourguard down, your wall down, to
love the people in your life andallow yourself to be loved as
well.
I hope today's episode hasblessed you, encouraged you in
some way.
Remember I love you, but Godloves you so much more, and I'll
(33:23):
see you guys next week.
Bye, bye, week Bye.
I hope you guys have enjoyed.
Follow me on Facebook at Demowith Mo.
If you have any questions youwould like answered here, live
on my podcast, email them to meat Demo with Mo at gmailcom.
(33:43):
That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O atgmailcom.
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