December 12, 2024 • 35 mins
What if the love stories we cherish on screen actually hold deeper lessons about the cycles we see in real life? Join me, Monique Simmons, as I unpack the intricate layers of "It Ends With Us" and confront the harsh realities of domestic violence through the story of Lily. Her journey from a traumatic childhood to a tumultuous relationship with Ryle reveals the subtle signs of abuse and the crucial importance of self-awareness and courage. Together, we'll explore how these narratives reflect our own experiences and the steps we can take to break free from these destructive patterns.
Imagine facing the daunting decision to leave an abusive relationship not just for your own safety, but to protect the future of your unborn child. Through a powerful narrative of a woman who bravely chooses a different path, we'll examine the weight of generational cycles. When faced with the question of how he would guide their daughter in a similar situation, her partner's stunned realization underscores the deep impact of his actions. This conversation is an emotional journey through the importance of breaking free, not only for oneself but also for the generations to come, offering hope for a life untethered from past pains.
Embracing authenticity can transform not only your life but also the lives of those around you. I'll share my personal path toward living with integrity across all facets of life—from marriage and friendships to parenting and faith. My story of discovering my true lineage and the healing journey it sparked is a testament to the power of faith and therapy in breaking generational cycles. By intentionally aligning actions with values, and with the support of a strong relationship with God, I've set a new standard for my family. Together, let's inspire change and ensure that the struggles of past generations end with us, paving a brighter path for the future.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
What's up, guys?
Welcome to Demo with Mo.
I'm your host, monique Simmons.
We'll be discussing dating,engaged and married objectives
from a young Christian'sperspective.
Are you guys ready?
Let's dive in.
Hey, what's up, guys?
Welcome to a new episode ofDemo with Mo.
(00:29):
I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we are going to be
discussing it Ends With Me.
A few weeks ago, I saw the movieit Ends With Us.
If you're not familiar withthis movie, it's a romance,
(00:51):
drama and trigger warning.
It is about domestic violenceand if you have not seen this
movie, this would not be theepisode for you because there
will be some spoilers.
So if you have not seen thismovie, I would encourage you to
come back and listen to thisepisode later.
So I watched this movie.
(01:13):
I had been wanting to see thismovie.
It came out earlier this summerand I had been wanting to go
see this movie.
I actually wanted to go to themovie theater by myself.
I do a lot of things by myself.
I am one of those people who ispretty comfortable and secure.
I had this conversation withsomeone last week.
I don't mind going to do thingsby myself and I actually enjoy
(01:38):
it a lot.
I have not always been this way, but this is something that
I've experienced on my self-carejourney, something that I've
learned about myself that Iactually really enjoy.
But I wanted to go see thismovie and I got off track and a
lot of things happened and Ihonestly just forgot about the
movie.
But a preview came on.
(01:59):
My husband and I was watchingTV one day and a preview came on
and he played the trail and Iwas like, oh yeah, this is a
movie that I really wanted tosee and we ended up ordering it
and watched the movie with himand I thoroughly enjoyed it.
I did, and I got a lot oftakeaways from it and it stuck
with me a little bit, and noteven just a little bit.
(02:21):
It stuck with me.
Take the little bit off.
It really stuck with me and itgot me to thinking.
So the movie is about.
The main character is Lily Atlasand these two people.
They were teenagers who metbecause Lily was living in his
(02:47):
house and she grew up with herparents who were in this
marriage and her dad was abusive.
Her dad would beat her mom andnobody else knew about it except
Lily and her parents, and herdad was the mayor of this town,
(03:07):
very well liked by the communityand the people in that city,
and he died in the movie and sheknew he was going to be dying
and she didn't make it.
She purposely didn't make itback because, you know, some
things had transpired and shedidn't make it back.
But when she was growing up,atlas, who was her best friend,
(03:33):
had moved in and I say movingvery lightly, because it was an
abandoned home, a home that wasboarded up across the street
from her house home, a home thatwas boarded up across the
street from her house.
And he had kind of moved intothat home that was boarded up
across the street from her andhe started living there.
And he was living there becausehis mom had put him out of
(03:55):
their home, because herboyfriend was beating on her, he
was physically abusive to herand Atlas, the young man, was
standing up for his mom, he wastaking up for his mom and he
fought the boyfriend.
Well, mom didn't like this andmom put him out of the home.
(04:17):
So Atlas moved in across thestreet.
And there are a lot of thingsthat I'm leaving now because,
again, I would encourage you togo see the street and there are
a lot of things that I'm leavingnow because, again, you know I
would encourage you to go seethe movie.
I would encourage you to go seeit.
And he moves in across thestreet from Lily and Lily ends
up showing Atlas compassion.
She felt bad for him.
(04:38):
She saw that he was living inhis home and she the kids at
school was talking about him,how he smelled, because they
didn't know what was going onwith him.
But she noticed because helived right across the street
from her home.
So she ended up getting himsome groceries from her house,
sneaking it out the house,getting him some of her dad's
(04:58):
clothes and pegging a bag anddropping it off at the house for
him and hiding just to show himso he could have some pride,
some dignity.
And he ended up telling herthank you how much he
appreciated it, all those things.
And they ended up becoming bestfriends and eventually partners
(05:20):
, lovers, partners, lovers.
They started dating, falling inlove, and he became her first,
the first person she ever hadsex with.
So, long story short, her dadends up finding out about it.
He beats up Atlas so bad, badit nearly kills him.
(05:44):
They go on about their lives.
She never sees him again.
Up until this point.
Her father dies.
They are now adults.
Her father dies, they have thefuneral and she goes on with her
life and she now meets this mannamed Raoul.
Raoul is this neurosurgeondoctor, beautiful man, rich and
(06:14):
wealthy.
You know all of the things thatchecks off the boxes externally
okay, well, they ended upgetting in a relationship, all
(06:35):
of the things.
Well, route ends up becomingabusive in the way it plays out
in the movie.
It looks in the beginning.
If you're not careful, if youdon't come from a background of
DV, domestic violence ordomestic abuse, it can go over
your head easily and it'll takeyou again to the end of the
movie to really understand.
It can just go over your headso quickly.
But if you have a history ofthis, if you've ever experienced
(06:59):
this, if you're currentlyexperiencing this, you can see
right through it.
But they portray it in the moviein such a way in the beginning
that it looks like these thingsare happening by accident, like
when he hits her or she fallsdown the stairs or something
happens.
(07:19):
It is portrayed in such a wayas if it's happening by accident
.
But for those who know, youknow he's hurting her it's
portrayed in such a way as ifit's happening by accident.
But for those who know, youknow he's hurting her.
So eventually they get marriedand they have a child.
(07:43):
And at this point, when shefinds out that she's pregnant,
she leaves him and she she goesback home to her mom.
And I'm leaving so many thingsout because the episode is not
for me to tell you about thismovie that that is not what
we're here to talk about.
But I want I want to get you tothe point of when the light
bulb comes on and the changehappens.
(08:04):
Well, she leaves him and goesback home to her mom and she
tells her mom what's going on.
And one of the important thingsis I want you to know that they
really stuck out for me in thestory In this movie, and there's
also a story about it.
Fyi, there's a book that was outbefore this movie, which does,
(08:34):
I hear, does the movie doesn'teven do it justice, because
there are a lot of things in thebook that the movie left out.
But I mean, it's understandablebecause it's only so much a
two-hour movie can tell you.
So one of the things about Raulis Lily has a flower shop and
she opens up this flower shopwith someone she ends up
becoming best friends with andher best friend is Alyssa.
(08:58):
And Alyssa is Raul's sister,which Lily had no idea in the
beginning when she met Alyssa,because she met Alyssa before
she met Rao.
So this is one of the importantthings you need to know,
because she ends up tellingAlyssa about the abuse and, long
story short, alyssa says I hope, because I know he's my brother
(09:20):
, so I hope you end up you areable to forgive him.
But she says I'm your bestfriend, so if you go back to him
, I will never speak to youagain.
So it's like two things can betrue I know he's my brother, so
(09:42):
I hope you can find it in yourheart to one day forgive him,
but at the same time, I'm yourbest friend and I don't want to
see my best friend hurt.
So if you go back to him, I'llnever speak to you again because
you don't deserve this.
So that was such a beautifulmoment to me in that movie
because I can see past him beingmy brother.
(10:04):
Beautiful moment to me in thatmovie because I can see past him
being my brother.
I know he's my brother butstill, even with him being my
brother, how he's treating you,the way he has no respect for
you, the fact that he'sphysically putting his hands on
you.
It's not right.
So to get back to it, after shefinds out she's pregnant and
(10:26):
she's had her last straw, sheleaves him and goes back to her
mom.
He comes over and helps her putup the crib for the baby and
whatever.
And he's attempting he'scontinuing to attempt to try to
repair the relationship and getback together, but at this point
she's not going back.
So she goes into labor and shehas the baby at the hospital and
(10:51):
he's sitting beside thehospital bed and he's holding
the baby and he's talking to thebaby and just all of the things
with the baby.
And she looks over at him andshe says I want a divorce.
And she begins to ask himquestions and says is he's
(11:14):
looking at the baby and becausethey have a daughter.
And she says if she ever came toyou and said ever came to you
and said that my boyfriend ishurting me, but he says that
he's sorry and he says that it'sa mistake but he loves me, what
(11:40):
would you say to her?
And if she said that he hit meand he pushed me down the stairs
and it was all a mistake and hedidn't mean it.
The person that's supposed tolove you the most and and not
hurt you and protect you and allof these things.
If she came to you and saidthis, what would you say to her
(12:01):
as he's looking at his daughter,because it was just like the
perfect moment, because it's onething to see your partner or
your spouse, but it's anotherthing when it's your own child,
when it's your own daughter oryour own son that you're looking
at, that you're holding andyou're having to think about if
(12:23):
it was happening to them, ifthey were experiencing the hurt
that you're causing, if it wassomebody else that was causing
them the hurt, the harm, thedanger, the disrespect, if it
was happening to them, whatwould you say to them?
Would you say that it was okay?
What would you say to them?
Would you say that it was okay?
(12:44):
What would you say?
And he says and you can see theshame come over his face he
says I would tell her to leaveand I would beg her to never go
back.
And then he passes the babyback to her and he says go back
(13:06):
to your mom.
She's so, you have such astrong mom and he walks out of
the room and then she says tothe baby after he leads to her
daughter and she said it's okay,we're going to be okay, it ends
with us.
It ends with us and that stuckwith me.
And not so much about thedomestic violence, the DV of it
(13:30):
all, even though that affects somany.
I personally experienceddomestic violence.
If you've been rocking with mefor a while, if you've been
listening to the podcast sincethe beginning or if you've
binged episodes, I'm sure you'velistened to that episode.
You've heard me talk about it.
(13:50):
I've experienced it.
I totally understand so I couldeven relate to all of that.
But that's not what stuck withme.
What stuck with me is the endingwith me, the ending with us,
because we get to decide.
(14:11):
We don't have to continue thecycles Because, I told you, her
dad physically abused her mom.
She got into a relationship inmarriage where she was
physically abused.
Her best friend, her first, theperson she, her first love, his
mom, was physically abused.
(14:32):
We don't have to continue thesame cycles.
We don't have to.
We can choose.
We can decide that it ends withus.
My child don't have to continuegoing through what I went
through.
I don't even have to continuegoing through what my parents
and my grandparents and theirparents went through.
(14:54):
I can choose to decide that itends with me, that it ends with
us.
I can decide that I can chooseto decide to do things
differently.
I can choose to decide to dothings differently in my
marriage, in my friendships,with my finances, raising my
(15:16):
children, with my faith, in myrelationship with God, how I
treat those I do relationshipswith with, in my church, in my
ministry, on my job, how I lovepeople, how I restore
relationships, how I forgive,how I let go of things, how I
(15:37):
move on.
I can decide that it ends withme.
I don't have to continue doingthings the way that they've
always been done.
I don't care if that's the wayit's always been in my family.
I don't care that that's theway they say it should be done.
I don't care that that's theway that they want it to be done
.
I don't care that that's theway grandma and mama and daddy
(15:58):
say that this is the way it hasto be.
I can choose to do thingsdifferently.
I can decide that it ends withme, and yes, it will be hard and
yes, it will be uncomfortableand, yes, I may have to have
hard conversations and, yes,some people may stop talking to
me, but life will go on and itwill be different.
(16:23):
Generations will be different,because I decided that it ends
with me.
A couple months ago I starteddoing devotionals with my
daughter in the morning.
We have this prayers andpromises book that we do.
It's called prayers andpromises for mommy and me.
If you decide you want to getit, one of my closest
(16:44):
girlfriends got it for me like ayear or two ago.
But back when COVID firststarted, over four years ago, I
had decided that I was going todo devotional time for myself.
Somewhere along the line Istopped putting God first.
You know we say we love God,but do your actions reflect that
(17:06):
?
You can say one thing with yourmouth, but do your actions
reflect that?
I would roll over in themorning, wake up and I'm picking
up my phone to look at socialmedia.
And if you're offended and I'mon your street, you know, don't
get mad with me, get off thestreet, because that's where I
was, because you can say onething with your mouth, but
(17:30):
what's your action saying?
But that's where I had God andI'm like hold on, something
ain't adding up here because Isay I love God, I say I'm a
believer, I say I'm a disciplefollowing after Christ.
Some may end up here.
I should be in my word morethan I'm on social media.
(17:51):
I should be spending time withGod first.
That's my first love.
Some may end up here.
So I had made a commitmentduring the pandemic, which is
one of the best decisions I'veever made, and you've probably
heard me say this before.
Every morning, I get up at fiveo'clock, I get in my word, I
read my Bible and I pray.
(18:13):
That's my time with God, beforeeveryone else gets up in my
home, and I've been doing itsince 2020.
And that's every day, even onthe weekends.
That's just my personal timewith God and that's the best
decision that I could have evermade.
But a few months ago I decidedbecause my daughter gets up my
oldest daughter gets up early aswell to get on her bus, and I'm
(18:34):
like I want to incorporate mychild in this as well.
So I started doing these mommyand me devotionals with her, and
each day has a theme.
Well, last week the theme wasintegrity.
We read our scriptures, we didour prayers, and it asks a
question at the end each day.
Okay, so the question at theend of the day for integrity was
(18:58):
who in your life do youconsider that has integrity?
So when it got to the question,I asked my baby this and she
asked me what does integritymeans?
So I explained to her aboutintegrity and how it means.
This person lives what they say.
They don't say one thing withtheir mouth and then lives a
(19:20):
completely different way.
They say one thing and theirlife reflects that.
And she said mommy.
Well, she says ma, that's whatshe calls me, ma.
She said ma, you, you are aperson of integrity.
And when she left I just boohoo, like I just broke down,
(19:42):
because you don't always know ifwhat you're saying is hitting
your children, if they'relistening, if they're taking it
in, if they're receiving, ifit's making a difference.
But your life is, what you'reliving is impacting your
children.
They see it.
It ain't always what you say,but when what you say lines up
(20:02):
with how you're living, it'simpacting your children.
They see it.
It ain't always what you say,but when what you say lines up
with how you're living, they seethat.
And they also see when what yousay ain't lining up with what
you're living.
If you're saying one thing butyour life shows something else,
your kids see that.
That was something that I alwaysstruggled with as a child, when
the adults around me would sayone thing, when they say you
(20:25):
should be doing one thing, butwhen actions always reflected
something else.
So when my daughter said thatto me, it hit me.
Lord, it is ending with mebecause my life is reflecting
what I say.
My life is reflected in myactions, because I'm saying all
these things about you, I'mteaching my children about you,
(20:47):
I'm telling my children aboutyou.
But I'm also living what I say,what I'm saying out of my mouth
.
I'm living it every day, whenI'm reading my Bible, when I'm
praying every morning.
They not only hear me talkabout this, they see it.
They don't only see me going tochurch on Sunday.
I'm not no Sunday livingChristian.
(21:08):
I live this in my life, day today, in my home, behind closed
doors.
My family sees it.
So it ends with me.
Usually when I record theseepisodes, I record, I edit, I
post for it to go out on thescheduled day.
I get everything done in onesession.
(21:29):
That's why I have a specificday set out each week where I do
this.
That's just how I set up.
That's what works for my life.
Every podcast host does thingsdifferently.
There is no perfect one way todo anything.
You do what's best for you.
That's just life in generalwith all aspects of life.
There's no one cookie-cut wayto do anything.
(21:53):
But when I recorded thisepisode and what I'm saying now
I'm recording on an absolutelydifferent day, just to give you
some context of what I'm saying.
I'm recording on an absolutelydifferent day, just to give you
some context of what I'm sayingfrom what you just heard.
And God has a beautiful way ofdoing things that way, and I'm
(22:15):
saying this because I never domy podcast episodes that way.
I literally get everything donein one day.
But it happened that way thistime.
When I recorded that episode, Iended it because I had to go
out for an appointment that Ihad to get there at a certain
time, so I wasn't able to do myusual things, where I get
(22:38):
everything done, and sometimes Ischeduled around other things
that needed to be done, just soI can make sure I got the
episode recorded.
Well, that night after Irecorded that podcast episode, I
ended up calling my mom aboutsomething totally different, but
(22:59):
we got on the subject about mefinding my biological father's
family and I'm saying thisbecause for you guys who have
been with me for a while, youknow that I do a 30-day
self-care challenge for themonth of November, for the whole
month, entire month of November, and I just finished it and one
(23:24):
of the days in November one ofthe challenges was I signed up
to do the incest 3 dna kit.
I talked about it on myfacebook page, my demo with mo
facebook page, so if you're notfollowing me there, go do that.
But that's where I post mydaily challenges of what I'm
(23:47):
going to do for their self-carechallenge every day, this part
of my journey.
I haven't talked about it withmy family outside of my husband
and my children and I reallyhaven't shared it with anybody.
It's just something I haven'tshared.
Like you know, if you saw it onsocial media or you heard my
podcast episodes and things likethat, you know about it and the
(24:09):
door is always open.
So I posted about it from DeafCare Challenge.
I did the Incest 3DNA kit,where I had bought it and going
to start this journey becausesix months ago I officially
found out that at the time whenI was doing this, in November,
it had been six months since Ifound out that my dad, who
(24:30):
raised me, was not my biologicalfather.
And I say found out officiallybecause at the age of 19 was
when my mom told my dad and Ithat he might not be my father,
and I'm saying this because it'simportant to what I'm about to
say.
I'm 36 now.
(24:51):
That was 17 years ago and I'vejust gotten to the place where I
am, at the point where I amready to start this journey of
finding, because my mom knewthat it was either my dad and
(25:13):
one other person and I won'tshare his information, y'all
know how I wrote.
I just I don't do that but sheknew it was only my dad or one
other person, which whom I know.
I don't have a personalrelationship with him, but I
know who he is.
So now I'm at the place wherenow I want to find who my family
(25:35):
is, who people that I come from, who is this family?
Because I don't know anythingabout them.
I don't know.
I know that you know there arepossible siblings, I know.
You know there are so manypossibilities, so many things to
(25:57):
explore, so many things to findout.
But I'm literally starting fromscratch, something that I
thought my whole life.
It literally blew up and nowI'm starting over and I'm having
to find out.
So this was that first step tonow you officially know.
(26:18):
It's not like you're wonderingor thinking, because that's what
was going on from 19 to age 35.
When I finally had the courageto ask my dad to do a DNA test
and he agreed and we found outhe wasn't my biological father.
(26:38):
And now it's place where, okay,you know, you know for sure,
you don't have to wonder anymore.
And now your next step what areyou going to do now?
The next thing is to find yourfamily, because the other man
who is my father, based on theinformation that I've been given
(26:59):
again, there will have to be aDNA test.
Based on the information thatI've been given.
My next step would be to findmy family, to go out there and
see, to face, face the unknown,to step out on faith and not
just stop here, because itdoesn't just stop here.
(27:20):
It's more work to be done, it'smore things to find out, it
doesn't just end here, itdoesn't just stop right here.
So my mom and I was talking andshe brought up.
She said I saw your post aboutyou doing the Ancestry DNA and I
want you to know that I'm proudof you.
(27:40):
And for a moment it caught meoff guard.
If I'm being honest, it took meby surprise for a moment and I
just sat with it for a moment.
And I just sat with it andbefore I could respond, she went
(28:03):
into her next words and and Iwon't even get into all of the
things that she began to sayafter that and not and she asked
me how I felt about it and Isaid I'm scared.
I'm scared.
It's scary because I'm startingover from scratch.
I'm going into the unknown,don't know if people are going
to be accepting of me.
I don't know what's out there,because I have people in my own
(28:25):
family who knows what happened.
It hasn't said anything to me,they haven't talked to me.
So for people who do anythingabout me don't even know about
me.
I don't know.
I don't know what's out there.
So I'm scared of the unknown.
(28:45):
But even in me being scared, Itrust God.
I'm not going to let the fearstop me from still doing the
work, still doing what I know Ishould do, doing what I desire
in my heart, desiring what Iknow I should do, because my mom
said she's so proud of meBecause I'm doing something that
(29:09):
she could not do, because allthose years ago, my mom had me
at the age of 19, where this allbegan.
When, at the age of 19, I foundout that my dad may not be my
biological father, she didn'tfeel safe enough to talk to her
(29:31):
mom, to talk to her family, totalk to her community, to talk
to her village, to talk to her,the people in her life, to say
I'm not sure, I don't know, Imade a mistake, I'm not a
hundred percent sure in this, Idon't, I don't really know.
(29:53):
Sureness, I don't really knowthis could be something, this
could be the case.
She couldn't do that.
And my mom is voicing all thisto me and I told her I
understand, I understand, andshe asked me to forgive her and
my mom and I and I'm being verytransparent right now and my mom
(30:19):
asked me to forgive her andwe've had this conversation
before and I said I forgive you,I forgive you, I've been
forgiving you, but I forgive youbecause you didn't have the
resources, you didn't have thetools, you didn't feel safe
enough because I understand now.
I get it now because at 36, thewoman that I am right now I
(30:47):
wouldn't have been able to dothings that I'm doing now at the
age of 19.
Because, remember, I told you, Ifound out that my dad was
possibly not my father at theage of 19.
I am just now starting thisjourney, all these years later,
(31:08):
because I couldn't do it backthen.
I didn't know how to do it.
I didn't have the resources, Ididn't have the tool, I didn't
know how to do it.
I didn't have the resources, Ididn't have the tool, I didn't
have the maturity, I didn't feelsafe with the people that were
around me.
I didn't have that relationship, that intimacy.
I didn't know who to go to.
I didn't know what to do withthose emotions.
I didn't.
(31:31):
So I empathize with my mom.
I understand what that feelslike.
I know it feels like.
So how I begin episode when Isaid it ends with us, it ends
(31:52):
with you and it ends with youand it ends with me because what
my mom couldn't do all thoseyears ago, when it got to me, to
my generation, I got intotherapy.
I began to do the work, exposesome things, create boundaries,
(32:15):
learn the tools that I needed,learn how to feel with my
emotions not me accountable.
Push me to be my best, supportme, pray for me.
And I built a close, intimaterelationship with Jesus.
(32:47):
I could not do any of thisfacing my fears, doing the hard
stuff, having hard conversations, letting things end with me
making those decisions to bedifferent for my children, for
their children, for the nextgenerations to come after me.
I couldn't do any of thosethings without him.
(33:09):
It took my faith in him, myrelationship with him, his
promises to me that he wouldalways be there with me, never
leave me, never forsake me, giveme strength to do the hard
things, all of those things, itis because of him.
So what was hard for my mom andshe couldn't do when it got to
(33:35):
me, it was hard work but I wasable to make that choice and I
was able to do it and my kidssaw that, so that when it gets
to them it will be easier forthem.
So when it gets to their kids,it'll be that much easier.
I walk so that my kids can oneday run and their kids can leap,
(33:55):
and as the generations keepgoing and going, it'll be
nothing, it'll be.
I saw my parents' parents doingthis.
So what needs to end with you?
What do you see right now asyou look around at your life, as
you look around at yourmarriage, your children, your
parenting, your finances, yourcommunication skills, your
(34:22):
extended family, your faith,your walk with God?
What is it that needs to endwith you and let it end?
Choose today that it ends withyou and let it end.
(34:45):
Choose today that it ends withyou.
I hope you have enjoyed today'sepisode.
Share this with somebody youthink it truly will bless, that
it will encourage, that youthink need to hear it.
Remember to follow me on TikTokand Facebook at Demo With Mo,
our Facebook community at DaytonEngaged and Married Objectives,
and on Instagram at Demo WithMo Podcast.
And I'll see you guys next week.
Remember I love you, but Godloves you so much more.
(35:09):
Bye, I hope you guys haveenjoyed.
Follow me on Facebook at Demowith Mo.
If you have any questions youwould like answered here live on
my podcast, email them to me atDemo with Mo at gmailcom.
(35:30):
That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O atgmailcom.
What's up, guys?
Welcome to Demo with Mo.
I'm your host, monique Simmons.
We'll be discussing dating,engaged and married objectives
from a young Christian'sperspective.
Are you guys ready?
Let's dive in.
Hey, what's up, guys?
Welcome to a new episode ofDemo with Mo.
(00:29):
I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we are going to be
discussing it Ends With Me.
A few weeks ago, I saw the movieit Ends With Us.
If you're not familiar withthis movie, it's a romance,
(00:51):
drama and trigger warning.
It is about domestic violenceand if you have not seen this
movie, this would not be theepisode for you because there
will be some spoilers.
So if you have not seen thismovie, I would encourage you to
come back and listen to thisepisode later.
So I watched this movie.
(01:13):
I had been wanting to see thismovie.
It came out earlier this summerand I had been wanting to go
see this movie.
I actually wanted to go to themovie theater by myself.
I do a lot of things by myself.
I am one of those people who ispretty comfortable and secure.
I had this conversation withsomeone last week.
I don't mind going to do thingsby myself and I actually enjoy
(01:38):
it a lot.
I have not always been this way, but this is something that
I've experienced on my self-carejourney, something that I've
learned about myself that Iactually really enjoy.
But I wanted to go see thismovie and I got off track and a
lot of things happened and Ihonestly just forgot about the
movie.
But a preview came on.
(01:59):
My husband and I was watchingTV one day and a preview came on
and he played the trail and Iwas like, oh yeah, this is a
movie that I really wanted tosee and we ended up ordering it
and watched the movie with himand I thoroughly enjoyed it.
I did, and I got a lot oftakeaways from it and it stuck
with me a little bit, and noteven just a little bit.
(02:21):
It stuck with me.
Take the little bit off.
It really stuck with me and itgot me to thinking.
So the movie is about.
The main character is Lily Atlasand these two people.
They were teenagers who metbecause Lily was living in his
(02:47):
house and she grew up with herparents who were in this
marriage and her dad was abusive.
Her dad would beat her mom andnobody else knew about it except
Lily and her parents, and herdad was the mayor of this town,
(03:07):
very well liked by the communityand the people in that city,
and he died in the movie and sheknew he was going to be dying
and she didn't make it.
She purposely didn't make itback because, you know, some
things had transpired and shedidn't make it back.
But when she was growing up,atlas, who was her best friend,
(03:33):
had moved in and I say movingvery lightly, because it was an
abandoned home, a home that wasboarded up across the street
from her house home, a home thatwas boarded up across the
street from her house.
And he had kind of moved intothat home that was boarded up
across the street from her andhe started living there.
And he was living there becausehis mom had put him out of
(03:55):
their home, because herboyfriend was beating on her, he
was physically abusive to herand Atlas, the young man, was
standing up for his mom, he wastaking up for his mom and he
fought the boyfriend.
Well, mom didn't like this andmom put him out of the home.
(04:17):
So Atlas moved in across thestreet.
And there are a lot of thingsthat I'm leaving now because,
again, I would encourage you togo see the street and there are
a lot of things that I'm leavingnow because, again, you know I
would encourage you to go seethe movie.
I would encourage you to go seeit.
And he moves in across thestreet from Lily and Lily ends
up showing Atlas compassion.
She felt bad for him.
(04:38):
She saw that he was living inhis home and she the kids at
school was talking about him,how he smelled, because they
didn't know what was going onwith him.
But she noticed because helived right across the street
from her home.
So she ended up getting himsome groceries from her house,
sneaking it out the house,getting him some of her dad's
(04:58):
clothes and pegging a bag anddropping it off at the house for
him and hiding just to show himso he could have some pride,
some dignity.
And he ended up telling herthank you how much he
appreciated it, all those things.
And they ended up becoming bestfriends and eventually partners
(05:20):
, lovers, partners, lovers.
They started dating, falling inlove, and he became her first,
the first person she ever hadsex with.
So, long story short, her dadends up finding out about it.
He beats up Atlas so bad, badit nearly kills him.
(05:44):
They go on about their lives.
She never sees him again.
Up until this point.
Her father dies.
They are now adults.
Her father dies, they have thefuneral and she goes on with her
life and she now meets this mannamed Raoul.
Raoul is this neurosurgeondoctor, beautiful man, rich and
(06:14):
wealthy.
You know all of the things thatchecks off the boxes externally
okay, well, they ended upgetting in a relationship, all
(06:35):
of the things.
Well, route ends up becomingabusive in the way it plays out
in the movie.
It looks in the beginning.
If you're not careful, if youdon't come from a background of
DV, domestic violence ordomestic abuse, it can go over
your head easily and it'll takeyou again to the end of the
movie to really understand.
It can just go over your headso quickly.
But if you have a history ofthis, if you've ever experienced
(06:59):
this, if you're currentlyexperiencing this, you can see
right through it.
But they portray it in the moviein such a way in the beginning
that it looks like these thingsare happening by accident, like
when he hits her or she fallsdown the stairs or something
happens.
(07:19):
It is portrayed in such a wayas if it's happening by accident
.
But for those who know, youknow he's hurting her it's
portrayed in such a way as ifit's happening by accident.
But for those who know, youknow he's hurting her.
So eventually they get marriedand they have a child.
(07:43):
And at this point, when shefinds out that she's pregnant,
she leaves him and she she goesback home to her mom.
And I'm leaving so many thingsout because the episode is not
for me to tell you about thismovie that that is not what
we're here to talk about.
But I want I want to get you tothe point of when the light
bulb comes on and the changehappens.
(08:04):
Well, she leaves him and goesback home to her mom and she
tells her mom what's going on.
And one of the important thingsis I want you to know that they
really stuck out for me in thestory In this movie, and there's
also a story about it.
Fyi, there's a book that was outbefore this movie, which does,
(08:34):
I hear, does the movie doesn'teven do it justice, because
there are a lot of things in thebook that the movie left out.
But I mean, it's understandablebecause it's only so much a
two-hour movie can tell you.
So one of the things about Raulis Lily has a flower shop and
she opens up this flower shopwith someone she ends up
becoming best friends with andher best friend is Alyssa.
(08:58):
And Alyssa is Raul's sister,which Lily had no idea in the
beginning when she met Alyssa,because she met Alyssa before
she met Rao.
So this is one of the importantthings you need to know,
because she ends up tellingAlyssa about the abuse and, long
story short, alyssa says I hope, because I know he's my brother
(09:20):
, so I hope you end up you areable to forgive him.
But she says I'm your bestfriend, so if you go back to him
, I will never speak to youagain.
So it's like two things can betrue I know he's my brother, so
(09:42):
I hope you can find it in yourheart to one day forgive him,
but at the same time, I'm yourbest friend and I don't want to
see my best friend hurt.
So if you go back to him, I'llnever speak to you again because
you don't deserve this.
So that was such a beautifulmoment to me in that movie
because I can see past him beingmy brother.
(10:04):
Beautiful moment to me in thatmovie because I can see past him
being my brother.
I know he's my brother butstill, even with him being my
brother, how he's treating you,the way he has no respect for
you, the fact that he'sphysically putting his hands on
you.
It's not right.
So to get back to it, after shefinds out she's pregnant and
(10:26):
she's had her last straw, sheleaves him and goes back to her
mom.
He comes over and helps her putup the crib for the baby and
whatever.
And he's attempting he'scontinuing to attempt to try to
repair the relationship and getback together, but at this point
she's not going back.
So she goes into labor and shehas the baby at the hospital and
(10:51):
he's sitting beside thehospital bed and he's holding
the baby and he's talking to thebaby and just all of the things
with the baby.
And she looks over at him andshe says I want a divorce.
And she begins to ask himquestions and says is he's
(11:14):
looking at the baby and becausethey have a daughter.
And she says if she ever came toyou and said ever came to you
and said that my boyfriend ishurting me, but he says that
he's sorry and he says that it'sa mistake but he loves me, what
(11:40):
would you say to her?
And if she said that he hit meand he pushed me down the stairs
and it was all a mistake and hedidn't mean it.
The person that's supposed tolove you the most and and not
hurt you and protect you and allof these things.
If she came to you and saidthis, what would you say to her
(12:01):
as he's looking at his daughter,because it was just like the
perfect moment, because it's onething to see your partner or
your spouse, but it's anotherthing when it's your own child,
when it's your own daughter oryour own son that you're looking
at, that you're holding andyou're having to think about if
(12:23):
it was happening to them, ifthey were experiencing the hurt
that you're causing, if it wassomebody else that was causing
them the hurt, the harm, thedanger, the disrespect, if it
was happening to them, whatwould you say to them?
Would you say that it was okay?
What would you say to them?
Would you say that it was okay?
(12:44):
What would you say?
And he says and you can see theshame come over his face he
says I would tell her to leaveand I would beg her to never go
back.
And then he passes the babyback to her and he says go back
(13:06):
to your mom.
She's so, you have such astrong mom and he walks out of
the room and then she says tothe baby after he leads to her
daughter and she said it's okay,we're going to be okay, it ends
with us.
It ends with us and that stuckwith me.
And not so much about thedomestic violence, the DV of it
(13:30):
all, even though that affects somany.
I personally experienceddomestic violence.
If you've been rocking with mefor a while, if you've been
listening to the podcast sincethe beginning or if you've
binged episodes, I'm sure you'velistened to that episode.
You've heard me talk about it.
(13:50):
I've experienced it.
I totally understand so I couldeven relate to all of that.
But that's not what stuck withme.
What stuck with me is the endingwith me, the ending with us,
because we get to decide.
(14:11):
We don't have to continue thecycles Because, I told you, her
dad physically abused her mom.
She got into a relationship inmarriage where she was
physically abused.
Her best friend, her first, theperson she, her first love, his
mom, was physically abused.
(14:32):
We don't have to continue thesame cycles.
We don't have to.
We can choose.
We can decide that it ends withus.
My child don't have to continuegoing through what I went
through.
I don't even have to continuegoing through what my parents
and my grandparents and theirparents went through.
(14:54):
I can choose to decide that itends with me, that it ends with
us.
I can decide that I can chooseto decide to do things
differently.
I can choose to decide to dothings differently in my
marriage, in my friendships,with my finances, raising my
(15:16):
children, with my faith, in myrelationship with God, how I
treat those I do relationshipswith with, in my church, in my
ministry, on my job, how I lovepeople, how I restore
relationships, how I forgive,how I let go of things, how I
(15:37):
move on.
I can decide that it ends withme.
I don't have to continue doingthings the way that they've
always been done.
I don't care if that's the wayit's always been in my family.
I don't care that that's theway they say it should be done.
I don't care that that's theway that they want it to be done
.
I don't care that that's theway grandma and mama and daddy
(15:58):
say that this is the way it hasto be.
I can choose to do thingsdifferently.
I can decide that it ends withme, and yes, it will be hard and
yes, it will be uncomfortableand, yes, I may have to have
hard conversations and, yes,some people may stop talking to
me, but life will go on and itwill be different.
(16:23):
Generations will be different,because I decided that it ends
with me.
A couple months ago I starteddoing devotionals with my
daughter in the morning.
We have this prayers andpromises book that we do.
It's called prayers andpromises for mommy and me.
If you decide you want to getit, one of my closest
(16:44):
girlfriends got it for me like ayear or two ago.
But back when COVID firststarted, over four years ago, I
had decided that I was going todo devotional time for myself.
Somewhere along the line Istopped putting God first.
You know we say we love God,but do your actions reflect that
(17:06):
?
You can say one thing with yourmouth, but do your actions
reflect that?
I would roll over in themorning, wake up and I'm picking
up my phone to look at socialmedia.
And if you're offended and I'mon your street, you know, don't
get mad with me, get off thestreet, because that's where I
was, because you can say onething with your mouth, but
(17:30):
what's your action saying?
But that's where I had God andI'm like hold on, something
ain't adding up here because Isay I love God, I say I'm a
believer, I say I'm a disciplefollowing after Christ.
Some may end up here.
I should be in my word morethan I'm on social media.
(17:51):
I should be spending time withGod first.
That's my first love.
Some may end up here.
So I had made a commitmentduring the pandemic, which is
one of the best decisions I'veever made, and you've probably
heard me say this before.
Every morning, I get up at fiveo'clock, I get in my word, I
read my Bible and I pray.
(18:13):
That's my time with God, beforeeveryone else gets up in my
home, and I've been doing itsince 2020.
And that's every day, even onthe weekends.
That's just my personal timewith God and that's the best
decision that I could have evermade.
But a few months ago I decidedbecause my daughter gets up my
oldest daughter gets up early aswell to get on her bus, and I'm
(18:34):
like I want to incorporate mychild in this as well.
So I started doing these mommyand me devotionals with her, and
each day has a theme.
Well, last week the theme wasintegrity.
We read our scriptures, we didour prayers, and it asks a
question at the end each day.
Okay, so the question at theend of the day for integrity was
(18:58):
who in your life do youconsider that has integrity?
So when it got to the question,I asked my baby this and she
asked me what does integritymeans?
So I explained to her aboutintegrity and how it means.
This person lives what they say.
They don't say one thing withtheir mouth and then lives a
(19:20):
completely different way.
They say one thing and theirlife reflects that.
And she said mommy.
Well, she says ma, that's whatshe calls me, ma.
She said ma, you, you are aperson of integrity.
And when she left I just boohoo, like I just broke down,
(19:42):
because you don't always know ifwhat you're saying is hitting
your children, if they'relistening, if they're taking it
in, if they're receiving, ifit's making a difference.
But your life is, what you'reliving is impacting your
children.
They see it.
It ain't always what you say,but when what you say lines up
(20:02):
with how you're living, it'simpacting your children.
They see it.
It ain't always what you say,but when what you say lines up
with how you're living, they seethat.
And they also see when what yousay ain't lining up with what
you're living.
If you're saying one thing butyour life shows something else,
your kids see that.
That was something that I alwaysstruggled with as a child, when
the adults around me would sayone thing, when they say you
(20:25):
should be doing one thing, butwhen actions always reflected
something else.
So when my daughter said thatto me, it hit me.
Lord, it is ending with mebecause my life is reflecting
what I say.
My life is reflected in myactions, because I'm saying all
these things about you, I'mteaching my children about you,
(20:47):
I'm telling my children aboutyou.
But I'm also living what I say,what I'm saying out of my mouth
.
I'm living it every day, whenI'm reading my Bible, when I'm
praying every morning.
They not only hear me talkabout this, they see it.
They don't only see me going tochurch on Sunday.
I'm not no Sunday livingChristian.
(21:08):
I live this in my life, day today, in my home, behind closed
doors.
My family sees it.
So it ends with me.
Usually when I record theseepisodes, I record, I edit, I
post for it to go out on thescheduled day.
I get everything done in onesession.
(21:29):
That's why I have a specificday set out each week where I do
this.
That's just how I set up.
That's what works for my life.
Every podcast host does thingsdifferently.
There is no perfect one way todo anything.
You do what's best for you.
That's just life in generalwith all aspects of life.
There's no one cookie-cut wayto do anything.
(21:53):
But when I recorded thisepisode and what I'm saying now
I'm recording on an absolutelydifferent day, just to give you
some context of what I'm saying.
I'm recording on an absolutelydifferent day, just to give you
some context of what I'm sayingfrom what you just heard.
And God has a beautiful way ofdoing things that way, and I'm
(22:15):
saying this because I never domy podcast episodes that way.
I literally get everything donein one day.
But it happened that way thistime.
When I recorded that episode, Iended it because I had to go
out for an appointment that Ihad to get there at a certain
time, so I wasn't able to do myusual things, where I get
(22:38):
everything done, and sometimes Ischeduled around other things
that needed to be done, just soI can make sure I got the
episode recorded.
Well, that night after Irecorded that podcast episode, I
ended up calling my mom aboutsomething totally different, but
(22:59):
we got on the subject about mefinding my biological father's
family and I'm saying thisbecause for you guys who have
been with me for a while, youknow that I do a 30-day
self-care challenge for themonth of November, for the whole
month, entire month of November, and I just finished it and one
(23:24):
of the days in November one ofthe challenges was I signed up
to do the incest 3 dna kit.
I talked about it on myfacebook page, my demo with mo
facebook page, so if you're notfollowing me there, go do that.
But that's where I post mydaily challenges of what I'm
(23:47):
going to do for their self-carechallenge every day, this part
of my journey.
I haven't talked about it withmy family outside of my husband
and my children and I reallyhaven't shared it with anybody.
It's just something I haven'tshared.
Like you know, if you saw it onsocial media or you heard my
podcast episodes and things likethat, you know about it and the
(24:09):
door is always open.
So I posted about it from DeafCare Challenge.
I did the Incest 3DNA kit,where I had bought it and going
to start this journey becausesix months ago I officially
found out that at the time whenI was doing this, in November,
it had been six months since Ifound out that my dad, who
(24:30):
raised me, was not my biologicalfather.
And I say found out officiallybecause at the age of 19 was
when my mom told my dad and Ithat he might not be my father,
and I'm saying this because it'simportant to what I'm about to
say.
I'm 36 now.
(24:51):
That was 17 years ago and I'vejust gotten to the place where I
am, at the point where I amready to start this journey of
finding, because my mom knewthat it was either my dad and
(25:13):
one other person and I won'tshare his information, y'all
know how I wrote.
I just I don't do that but sheknew it was only my dad or one
other person, which whom I know.
I don't have a personalrelationship with him, but I
know who he is.
So now I'm at the place wherenow I want to find who my family
(25:35):
is, who people that I come from, who is this family?
Because I don't know anythingabout them.
I don't know.
I know that you know there arepossible siblings, I know.
You know there are so manypossibilities, so many things to
(25:57):
explore, so many things to findout.
But I'm literally starting fromscratch, something that I
thought my whole life.
It literally blew up and nowI'm starting over and I'm having
to find out.
So this was that first step tonow you officially know.
(26:18):
It's not like you're wonderingor thinking, because that's what
was going on from 19 to age 35.
When I finally had the courageto ask my dad to do a DNA test
and he agreed and we found outhe wasn't my biological father.
(26:38):
And now it's place where, okay,you know, you know for sure,
you don't have to wonder anymore.
And now your next step what areyou going to do now?
The next thing is to find yourfamily, because the other man
who is my father, based on theinformation that I've been given
(26:59):
again, there will have to be aDNA test.
Based on the information thatI've been given.
My next step would be to findmy family, to go out there and
see, to face, face the unknown,to step out on faith and not
just stop here, because itdoesn't just stop here.
(27:20):
It's more work to be done, it'smore things to find out, it
doesn't just end here, itdoesn't just stop right here.
So my mom and I was talking andshe brought up.
She said I saw your post aboutyou doing the Ancestry DNA and I
want you to know that I'm proudof you.
(27:40):
And for a moment it caught meoff guard.
If I'm being honest, it took meby surprise for a moment and I
just sat with it for a moment.
And I just sat with it andbefore I could respond, she went
(28:03):
into her next words and and Iwon't even get into all of the
things that she began to sayafter that and not and she asked
me how I felt about it and Isaid I'm scared.
I'm scared.
It's scary because I'm startingover from scratch.
I'm going into the unknown,don't know if people are going
to be accepting of me.
I don't know what's out there,because I have people in my own
(28:25):
family who knows what happened.
It hasn't said anything to me,they haven't talked to me.
So for people who do anythingabout me don't even know about
me.
I don't know.
I don't know what's out there.
So I'm scared of the unknown.
(28:45):
But even in me being scared, Itrust God.
I'm not going to let the fearstop me from still doing the
work, still doing what I know Ishould do, doing what I desire
in my heart, desiring what Iknow I should do, because my mom
said she's so proud of meBecause I'm doing something that
(29:09):
she could not do, because allthose years ago, my mom had me
at the age of 19, where this allbegan.
When, at the age of 19, I foundout that my dad may not be my
biological father, she didn'tfeel safe enough to talk to her
(29:31):
mom, to talk to her family, totalk to her community, to talk
to her village, to talk to her,the people in her life, to say
I'm not sure, I don't know, Imade a mistake, I'm not a
hundred percent sure in this, Idon't, I don't really know.
(29:53):
Sureness, I don't really knowthis could be something, this
could be the case.
She couldn't do that.
And my mom is voicing all thisto me and I told her I
understand, I understand, andshe asked me to forgive her and
my mom and I and I'm being verytransparent right now and my mom
(30:19):
asked me to forgive her andwe've had this conversation
before and I said I forgive you,I forgive you, I've been
forgiving you, but I forgive youbecause you didn't have the
resources, you didn't have thetools, you didn't feel safe
enough because I understand now.
I get it now because at 36, thewoman that I am right now I
(30:47):
wouldn't have been able to dothings that I'm doing now at the
age of 19.
Because, remember, I told you, Ifound out that my dad was
possibly not my father at theage of 19.
I am just now starting thisjourney, all these years later,
(31:08):
because I couldn't do it backthen.
I didn't know how to do it.
I didn't have the resources, Ididn't have the tool, I didn't
know how to do it.
I didn't have the resources, Ididn't have the tool, I didn't
have the maturity, I didn't feelsafe with the people that were
around me.
I didn't have that relationship, that intimacy.
I didn't know who to go to.
I didn't know what to do withthose emotions.
I didn't.
(31:31):
So I empathize with my mom.
I understand what that feelslike.
I know it feels like.
So how I begin episode when Isaid it ends with us, it ends
(31:52):
with you and it ends with youand it ends with me because what
my mom couldn't do all thoseyears ago, when it got to me, to
my generation, I got intotherapy.
I began to do the work, exposesome things, create boundaries,
(32:15):
learn the tools that I needed,learn how to feel with my
emotions not me accountable.
Push me to be my best, supportme, pray for me.
And I built a close, intimaterelationship with Jesus.
(32:47):
I could not do any of thisfacing my fears, doing the hard
stuff, having hard conversations, letting things end with me
making those decisions to bedifferent for my children, for
their children, for the nextgenerations to come after me.
I couldn't do any of thosethings without him.
(33:09):
It took my faith in him, myrelationship with him, his
promises to me that he wouldalways be there with me, never
leave me, never forsake me, giveme strength to do the hard
things, all of those things, itis because of him.
So what was hard for my mom andshe couldn't do when it got to
(33:35):
me, it was hard work but I wasable to make that choice and I
was able to do it and my kidssaw that, so that when it gets
to them it will be easier forthem.
So when it gets to their kids,it'll be that much easier.
I walk so that my kids can oneday run and their kids can leap,
(33:55):
and as the generations keepgoing and going, it'll be
nothing, it'll be.
I saw my parents' parents doingthis.
So what needs to end with you?
What do you see right now asyou look around at your life, as
you look around at yourmarriage, your children, your
parenting, your finances, yourcommunication skills, your
(34:22):
extended family, your faith,your walk with God?
What is it that needs to endwith you and let it end?
Choose today that it ends withyou and let it end.
(34:45):
Choose today that it ends withyou.
I hope you have enjoyed today'sepisode.
Share this with somebody youthink it truly will bless, that
it will encourage, that youthink need to hear it.
Remember to follow me on TikTokand Facebook at Demo With Mo,
our Facebook community at DaytonEngaged and Married Objectives,
and on Instagram at Demo WithMo Podcast.
And I'll see you guys next week.
Remember I love you, but Godloves you so much more.
(35:09):
Bye, I hope you guys haveenjoyed.
Follow me on Facebook at Demowith Mo.
If you have any questions youwould like answered here live on
my podcast, email them to me atDemo with Mo at gmailcom.
(35:30):
That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O atgmailcom.
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