July 9, 2025 • 15 mins
Have you ever noticed how the same desire can be received completely differently, simply based on how you say it? The way we communicate our needs and desires shape the quality of our relationships more than we realize.
In this intimate and insightful episode, we unpack the subtle (and powerful) role of syntax, tone, and word choice in expressing desire. Whether you’re navigating romantic connection, friendship, or family dynamics, the shift from blame to vulnerability can open doors to deeper intimacy.
Brenda shares her personal practice of saying, “I have a desire…” to invite curiosity and soften the moment before making a request. This playful approach, rooted in honest expression and emotional safety, helps transform potentially charged conversations into loving, connected exchanges.
We also explore the concept of “clean asking," making requests without guilt, pressure, or manipulation - and how speaking from love rather than fear completely changes how we’re received. Your words are not just communication, they’re energetic spells that shape your reality.
💬 What would shift if you spoke from desire instead of complaint? From love instead of fear?
Highlights:
- How “you never hold me” vs. “Can you please hold me?” changes everything
- Why syntax and phrasing matter in emotional communication
- Turning complaints into heart-centered desires
- The power of “I have a desire…” to create curiosity and softness
- What it means to make a “clean ask” (no neediness or manipulation)
- How vulnerability is key to expressing what we truly want
- Words shape your reality, so use them with love and intention
If something in this episode resonated, please share it with someone you care about - and let us know what landed for you. We’d love to hear from you - send us a message!
How did you like this episode? Tell us everything, we'd love to hear from you.
If you'd like to learn more about 1:1 or group coaching with Brenda or Catherine message them and book a Sales Call to learn more.
Email:
desireasmedicine@gmail.com
goddessbrenda24@gmail.com
catherine@catherinenavarro.com
Instagram:
@desireasmedicinepodcast
@Brenda_Fredericks
@CoachCatherineN
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome to Desire is Medicine.
We are two very different womenliving a life led by desire,
inviting you into our world.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
I'm Brenda.
I'm a devoted practitioner tobeing my fully expressed true
self in my daily life.
Motherhood relationships and mybusiness Desire has taken me on
quite a ride and every day Ipractice listening to and
following the voice within.
I'm a middle school teacherturned coach and guide of the
feminine.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the
truest and hopefully thehighest version of me.
I don't have children, I'venever been married.
I've spent equal parts of mylife in corporate as in some
down and low shady spaces.
I was the epitome of tired andwired and my path led me to
explore desire.
I'm a coach, guide, energyworker and a forever student,
(00:58):
even after decades of inner work.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
We are humble beginners on the mat, still
exploring, always curious.
We believe that listening toand following the nudge of
desire is a deep spiritualpractice that helps us grow.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
On the Desires Medicine podcast.
We talk to each other, weinterview people we know and
love about the practice ofdesire, bringing in a very
important piece that is oftenoverlooked being responsible for
our desire.
Hello, welcome back.
Family and friends.
(01:32):
Today we're going to talk aboutsomething that you probably
don't talk about much at thekitchen table or anywhere else.
I think the last time I reallythought about this was probably
when I was a teenager, and thendefinitely within the past
couple of years.
I am joined today by thegorgeous Brenda, where she's
just patiently awaiting the mic.
What we're talking about todayis why words matter more than we
(01:56):
think.
As a teen, I definitely useslang, and I would say now, as
an adult, I definitely cuss orcurse, use curse words, use
profanity.
Every time we're uploading apodcast, I make sure that I
click on the explicit languagebecause inevitably I have said
(02:17):
something potentially thatshould not be PG in a podcast
episode.
So I'm aware that I have a lotof permission for the way I
speak.
I also don't have children, soI never really had to watch my
words.
I guess when I'm in aprofessional setting I watch my
words, but I'm slightly tighterand sort of holding myself a
(02:42):
little tighter, not asloosey-goosey in conversation,
but words matter.
The syntax shapes theconnection and it matters.
We had done a toolbox whereBrenda and I talk about how to
(03:07):
ask for what, and so interesting, because we were talking about
hugs, I think it was Brenda, wasit?
Can I get a hug?
Was it?
Can I get a hug?
She's nodding.
Yes, and I would say one of thethings I want to point to when
I'm talking about syntax andsyntax matters is there's a
difference between me saying Ineed you to hold me or can you
(03:31):
hold me versus you never hold me, when I say you never hold me
and I need you to hold me.
Well, there's some similarity,but in one I'm telling you what
I need and in the other I amsort of deciding or being judge
(03:52):
and jury on your actions.
Right, so syntax is a tool andit's just, it's another tool.
It's not necessarily its owntoolbox episode or mini episode,
but syntax creates worlds.
It's our tool for eitherconnection or disconnection.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
It really is the way we speak to each other really
does matter.
And I do curse a lot.
I didn't always curse a lot.
I used to be a school teacher,so I never cursed, I definitely
didn't, and I used, let's say,politically correct language.
And some homes, the kids arecursing all the time.
(04:32):
Parents are cursing, kids arecursing, everyone's cursing.
So what do I want to say aboutthis?
You know, I had a friend justtoday tell me.
She said to her husband I wantto, can we do a relationship
check in?
And she said his whole facedropped.
He was like oh shit, like whatis she going to say to me?
And so they set a time to do itlater in the day and she was
(04:57):
telling me, instead of sayingwhat's going wrong or what he's
doing wrong or framing it aswhat she's unhappy with because
things are going pretty well forher and her husband.
I loved what she said.
She said I want to frame it tohim as here's all the things
that are working, here's all thethings that I'm grateful to you
(05:20):
for and here's my desires.
That is a game changer, insteadof going to your partner and
saying you're not doing this,this isn't happening.
I'm really annoyed at youbecause I mean, we can dredge
that stuff up at any time.
(05:41):
It's so easy to just pull thatstuff up, right?
We're so conditioned to justcomplain and find our partners
wrong.
But this is just such abeautiful frame to share your
desires with your partner,because in the desire you're
just holding them to the thingthat you want instead of
(06:02):
focusing on the thing that youdon't want.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Absolutely.
You're pointing to how muchpower there is in sharing what
you're loving and shining alight on the things you would
like.
I'm thinking of a museum.
When you go to the museum andthere are those highlights that
just shine on the painting,you're sort of like highlighting
the thing you want versushighlighting all the things that
(06:27):
are going wrong and that youwant to complain about.
One is creating clarity andintimacy and the other has the
person feels potentiallysomewhat defensive, which is a
natural human response.
There's nothing wrong withsomeone that gets defensive and
ultimately we all want moreconnection.
(06:48):
If we know that syntax matters,we know that in the simple
definition of syntax right, theorder and arrangement of words
matter, then we can use it as atool for connection.
That can be something that westrive for right, like if we
feel something is off.
We can look at our tone, ourintention, the rhythm of how
(07:14):
something lands with someoneelse.
We can ask ourselves, like inthe toolbox that we did, we were
talking about clean asking,trying to ask without
manipulation or enrollment orwith fluffiness, and also trying
to ask without neediness,without the gripping of things
right, because those energeticimprints also affect words, they
(07:37):
also affect the syntax Ifthere's a difference and if
somebody can feel the differencewhen we're inviting them or
when we're shaming them, likewhen we say, oh, you never
insert thing versus I would lovefor you to, I need you to.
It would be great if you and weinsert the ask.
(08:00):
It feels so much moreconnecting because there could
be a place where we can meet inthe ask, where we can meet in
the words or our syntax, ourphrases, the phrases that we use
have like an underlying meaning.
(08:31):
The energetic of whether it's aninvitation or it's a shaming,
like you never has this passiveaggressiveness to it, where the
person listening already knowsthat I believe this person never
insert thing.
Versus if I say I needsomething or I want, the thought
is, oh, I actually need or wantthis part.
The person can either give itor not give it to me.
(08:52):
And there's a place where wecan use syntax to just reclaim
our sovereignty, like wherewe're really trying to use
embodied language in the syntax.
Embodied language meaning Iwant to have a powerful
(09:17):
conversation when I feel clearand grounded and loving and open
for the person that I'mspeaking to to either joyfully
receive or refuse what I'msaying, right, like to for us to
both stay in the room.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Amen, both stay at the room and have it feel good.
We want our relationships tofeel connected.
I love to share my desires andI love to share my desires with
my partner.
So very often and I've talkedabout this before of loving the
desire itself, not just whetheryou're going to get it or not,
(10:00):
not not just loving this thingthat I want, but loving the
desire itself, loving the factthat I want things, and I'm in
total approval of that.
So I like to say I have adesire period and just drop that
.
It's so enticing.
(10:22):
I always get back a yes, what isit?
Because it elicits curiosityand excitement.
It's like, oh, what's yourdesire?
And I do want to know thatsomebody wants to know my
desires, that my partner wantsto know my desires.
(10:42):
I already know that, but in themoment I want to know and I
also want to make sure that he'swith me, right?
So I love to drop that.
I just think it's playful andfun.
I have a desire and then he'slike well, what is it?
And then I get to share whatthe desire is.
It already creates anenvironment of fun and play.
Speaker 1 (11:02):
I love how playful that sounds and I also want to
speak to potentially Brenda whatit would feel like if you've
ever experienced a partner ofyours I don't know if this has
happened, but I'm just going tosay hypothetical that you say,
oh, I have a desire, I want toshare a desire, and your
partner's like, of course, youhave a desire.
(11:23):
I've experienced that.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Or maybe I have.
I haven't experienced that in awhile, let me say and if I have
, I've probably just completelyforgotten about it and can't
bring it here but I can say thatbefore I was right with my
desires, before I was doing thiswork and studying pleasure and
desire and truth and embodimentin my old life, I definitely did
(11:50):
not get the things that I want.
I definitely did not love mydesire and I was not always met
with playful curiosity because Idefinitely had more entitlement
in my voice.
I had fear in my voice and inmy words and I couldn't really
take a no, because, also, it'sso hard to ask for what you want
(12:13):
.
What we want is so veryvulnerable.
So, first of all, to even admitthat you want something, that's
enough, and then there's more,that's only the first step.
To admit that you want thisthing, right.
Then you have to ask for it.
You may, you may get a no.
Then you have to hold yourdesire.
(12:33):
You know, hopefully you doreceive it.
If you do, then you get to haveit, and then you have to
practice receiving it.
Or you get a no and then youjust get to sit with that.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
It's a lot it's a lot .
I remember way back when I usedto get, when I would share
desire I would get you don'tneed that and I would have to
say thank you.
I know I don't need it, I wantit and that was part of my
(13:05):
practice, because I would get alot of you don't need that.
That was for whatever reason.
That was what the world wasshowing me and that was the one
that I was playing with.
But I love that.
You spoke about fear, Brenda,and if you're listening to this
and you're saying to yourself,where am I in my relationship to
syntax, when am I in myrelationship with words and how
(13:28):
are the words that I'm usingcasting spells?
Because it's not just what yousay, it's the power of how you
say it right.
The syntax can shape aconnection.
And so, using Brenda's gorgeouswords, I want to leave
listeners with where do Ipotentially speak from fear and
what would it sound like if Iwere to speak from love With
(13:50):
that?
This is a short and sweet one.
We just really want you to takeaway the understanding that our
words have power and the wordsthat you choose to use on a
daily basis, the words that youintroduce into your everyday.
Let's call it bucket of words,with your ask or your shares and
(14:13):
your communication.
Your connection are the wordsthat you're using.
They're your tools.
They're almost I mean, I don'twant to call it weapons, they
might be a better word than thatbut they're what you're using
to carve what you're creating.
And so, if you get to choosethe things that are carving your
life, please, please, please,choose them wisely, Choose them
(14:37):
with intention, Choose them withlove.
Feel into what do I want.
It may not be something that Ineed, but what do I want and may
you be audacious enough,courageous enough to ask for it.
If this landed for you andyou'd love to share it with
someone, please do so, and we'dlove to hear about it.
(14:57):
Send us a message.
Bye for now.
Speaker 2 (15:07):
Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine
podcast.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
Desire invites us to be honest, loving and deeply
intimate with ourselves andothers.
You can find our handles in theshow notes.
We'd love to hear from you.
Welcome to Desire is Medicine.
We are two very different womenliving a life led by desire,
inviting you into our world.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
I'm Brenda.
I'm a devoted practitioner tobeing my fully expressed true
self in my daily life.
Motherhood relationships and mybusiness Desire has taken me on
quite a ride and every day Ipractice listening to and
following the voice within.
I'm a middle school teacherturned coach and guide of the
feminine.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the
truest and hopefully thehighest version of me.
I don't have children, I'venever been married.
I've spent equal parts of mylife in corporate as in some
down and low shady spaces.
I was the epitome of tired andwired and my path led me to
explore desire.
I'm a coach, guide, energyworker and a forever student,
(00:58):
even after decades of inner work.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
We are humble beginners on the mat, still
exploring, always curious.
We believe that listening toand following the nudge of
desire is a deep spiritualpractice that helps us grow.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
On the Desires Medicine podcast.
We talk to each other, weinterview people we know and
love about the practice ofdesire, bringing in a very
important piece that is oftenoverlooked being responsible for
our desire.
Hello, welcome back.
Family and friends.
(01:32):
Today we're going to talk aboutsomething that you probably
don't talk about much at thekitchen table or anywhere else.
I think the last time I reallythought about this was probably
when I was a teenager, and thendefinitely within the past
couple of years.
I am joined today by thegorgeous Brenda, where she's
just patiently awaiting the mic.
What we're talking about todayis why words matter more than we
(01:56):
think.
As a teen, I definitely useslang, and I would say now, as
an adult, I definitely cuss orcurse, use curse words, use
profanity.
Every time we're uploading apodcast, I make sure that I
click on the explicit languagebecause inevitably I have said
(02:17):
something potentially thatshould not be PG in a podcast
episode.
So I'm aware that I have a lotof permission for the way I
speak.
I also don't have children, soI never really had to watch my
words.
I guess when I'm in aprofessional setting I watch my
words, but I'm slightly tighterand sort of holding myself a
(02:42):
little tighter, not asloosey-goosey in conversation,
but words matter.
The syntax shapes theconnection and it matters.
We had done a toolbox whereBrenda and I talk about how to
(03:07):
ask for what, and so interesting, because we were talking about
hugs, I think it was Brenda, wasit?
Can I get a hug?
Was it?
Can I get a hug?
She's nodding.
Yes, and I would say one of thethings I want to point to when
I'm talking about syntax andsyntax matters is there's a
difference between me saying Ineed you to hold me or can you
(03:31):
hold me versus you never hold me, when I say you never hold me
and I need you to hold me.
Well, there's some similarity,but in one I'm telling you what
I need and in the other I amsort of deciding or being judge
(03:52):
and jury on your actions.
Right, so syntax is a tool andit's just, it's another tool.
It's not necessarily its owntoolbox episode or mini episode,
but syntax creates worlds.
It's our tool for eitherconnection or disconnection.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
It really is the way we speak to each other really
does matter.
And I do curse a lot.
I didn't always curse a lot.
I used to be a school teacher,so I never cursed, I definitely
didn't, and I used, let's say,politically correct language.
And some homes, the kids arecursing all the time.
(04:32):
Parents are cursing, kids arecursing, everyone's cursing.
So what do I want to say aboutthis?
You know, I had a friend justtoday tell me.
She said to her husband I wantto, can we do a relationship
check in?
And she said his whole facedropped.
He was like oh shit, like whatis she going to say to me?
And so they set a time to do itlater in the day and she was
(04:57):
telling me, instead of sayingwhat's going wrong or what he's
doing wrong or framing it aswhat she's unhappy with because
things are going pretty well forher and her husband.
I loved what she said.
She said I want to frame it tohim as here's all the things
that are working, here's all thethings that I'm grateful to you
(05:20):
for and here's my desires.
That is a game changer, insteadof going to your partner and
saying you're not doing this,this isn't happening.
I'm really annoyed at youbecause I mean, we can dredge
that stuff up at any time.
(05:41):
It's so easy to just pull thatstuff up, right?
We're so conditioned to justcomplain and find our partners
wrong.
But this is just such abeautiful frame to share your
desires with your partner,because in the desire you're
just holding them to the thingthat you want instead of
(06:02):
focusing on the thing that youdon't want.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Absolutely.
You're pointing to how muchpower there is in sharing what
you're loving and shining alight on the things you would
like.
I'm thinking of a museum.
When you go to the museum andthere are those highlights that
just shine on the painting,you're sort of like highlighting
the thing you want versushighlighting all the things that
(06:27):
are going wrong and that youwant to complain about.
One is creating clarity andintimacy and the other has the
person feels potentiallysomewhat defensive, which is a
natural human response.
There's nothing wrong withsomeone that gets defensive and
ultimately we all want moreconnection.
(06:48):
If we know that syntax matters,we know that in the simple
definition of syntax right, theorder and arrangement of words
matter, then we can use it as atool for connection.
That can be something that westrive for right, like if we
feel something is off.
We can look at our tone, ourintention, the rhythm of how
(07:14):
something lands with someoneelse.
We can ask ourselves, like inthe toolbox that we did, we were
talking about clean asking,trying to ask without
manipulation or enrollment orwith fluffiness, and also trying
to ask without neediness,without the gripping of things
right, because those energeticimprints also affect words, they
(07:37):
also affect the syntax Ifthere's a difference and if
somebody can feel the differencewhen we're inviting them or
when we're shaming them, likewhen we say, oh, you never
insert thing versus I would lovefor you to, I need you to.
It would be great if you and weinsert the ask.
(08:00):
It feels so much moreconnecting because there could
be a place where we can meet inthe ask, where we can meet in
the words or our syntax, ourphrases, the phrases that we use
have like an underlying meaning.
(08:31):
The energetic of whether it's aninvitation or it's a shaming,
like you never has this passiveaggressiveness to it, where the
person listening already knowsthat I believe this person never
insert thing.
Versus if I say I needsomething or I want, the thought
is, oh, I actually need or wantthis part.
The person can either give itor not give it to me.
(08:52):
And there's a place where wecan use syntax to just reclaim
our sovereignty, like wherewe're really trying to use
embodied language in the syntax.
Embodied language meaning Iwant to have a powerful
(09:17):
conversation when I feel clearand grounded and loving and open
for the person that I'mspeaking to to either joyfully
receive or refuse what I'msaying, right, like to for us to
both stay in the room.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Amen, both stay at the room and have it feel good.
We want our relationships tofeel connected.
I love to share my desires andI love to share my desires with
my partner.
So very often and I've talkedabout this before of loving the
desire itself, not just whetheryou're going to get it or not,
(10:00):
not not just loving this thingthat I want, but loving the
desire itself, loving the factthat I want things, and I'm in
total approval of that.
So I like to say I have adesire period and just drop that
.
It's so enticing.
(10:22):
I always get back a yes, what isit?
Because it elicits curiosityand excitement.
It's like, oh, what's yourdesire?
And I do want to know thatsomebody wants to know my
desires, that my partner wantsto know my desires.
(10:42):
I already know that, but in themoment I want to know and I
also want to make sure that he'swith me, right?
So I love to drop that.
I just think it's playful andfun.
I have a desire and then he'slike well, what is it?
And then I get to share whatthe desire is.
It already creates anenvironment of fun and play.
Speaker 1 (11:02):
I love how playful that sounds and I also want to
speak to potentially Brenda whatit would feel like if you've
ever experienced a partner ofyours I don't know if this has
happened, but I'm just going tosay hypothetical that you say,
oh, I have a desire, I want toshare a desire, and your
partner's like, of course, youhave a desire.
(11:23):
I've experienced that.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Or maybe I have.
I haven't experienced that in awhile, let me say and if I have
, I've probably just completelyforgotten about it and can't
bring it here but I can say thatbefore I was right with my
desires, before I was doing thiswork and studying pleasure and
desire and truth and embodimentin my old life, I definitely did
(11:50):
not get the things that I want.
I definitely did not love mydesire and I was not always met
with playful curiosity because Idefinitely had more entitlement
in my voice.
I had fear in my voice and inmy words and I couldn't really
take a no, because, also, it'sso hard to ask for what you want
(12:13):
.
What we want is so veryvulnerable.
So, first of all, to even admitthat you want something, that's
enough, and then there's more,that's only the first step.
To admit that you want thisthing, right.
Then you have to ask for it.
You may, you may get a no.
Then you have to hold yourdesire.
(12:33):
You know, hopefully you doreceive it.
If you do, then you get to haveit, and then you have to
practice receiving it.
Or you get a no and then youjust get to sit with that.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
It's a lot it's a lot .
I remember way back when I usedto get, when I would share
desire I would get you don'tneed that and I would have to
say thank you.
I know I don't need it, I wantit and that was part of my
(13:05):
practice, because I would get alot of you don't need that.
That was for whatever reason.
That was what the world wasshowing me and that was the one
that I was playing with.
But I love that.
You spoke about fear, Brenda,and if you're listening to this
and you're saying to yourself,where am I in my relationship to
syntax, when am I in myrelationship with words and how
(13:28):
are the words that I'm usingcasting spells?
Because it's not just what yousay, it's the power of how you
say it right.
The syntax can shape aconnection.
And so, using Brenda's gorgeouswords, I want to leave
listeners with where do Ipotentially speak from fear and
what would it sound like if Iwere to speak from love With
(13:50):
that?
This is a short and sweet one.
We just really want you to takeaway the understanding that our
words have power and the wordsthat you choose to use on a
daily basis, the words that youintroduce into your everyday.
Let's call it bucket of words,with your ask or your shares and
(14:13):
your communication.
Your connection are the wordsthat you're using.
They're your tools.
They're almost I mean, I don'twant to call it weapons, they
might be a better word than thatbut they're what you're using
to carve what you're creating.
And so, if you get to choosethe things that are carving your
life, please, please, please,choose them wisely, Choose them
(14:37):
with intention, Choose them withlove.
Feel into what do I want.
It may not be something that Ineed, but what do I want and may
you be audacious enough,courageous enough to ask for it.
If this landed for you andyou'd love to share it with
someone, please do so, and we'dlove to hear about it.
(14:57):
Send us a message.
Bye for now.
Speaker 2 (15:07):
Thank you for joining us on the Desire is Medicine
podcast.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
Desire invites us to be honest, loving and deeply
intimate with ourselves andothers.
You can find our handles in theshow notes.
We'd love to hear from you.
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