May 2, 2025 • 28 mins
What do you do when your dad turns into a one-man dating app filter… and swipes left on everyone? In this episode we’re talking about something major: when your father’s wilayah (guardianship) can actually be removed. Yep, it’s a thing, and it’s not taken lightly.
We’re diving into real stories, like the woman who aged out of her prime while her parents waited for Mr. Perfect Ethnic Match, and another whose mom basically ran the rejection department. We break down what wilayah is really supposed to be, how it's misused, and what to do if you're stuck in a no-win situation.
Hit download if you’ve ever wondered: Is this protection… or control? And send this to a friend who's been “almost married” 17 times.
Got a dilemma or story? The Single Muslim Hotline is here for you! We’ll play your anonymous messages in future episodes and offer real talk. Drop us a voice note 👇🏻
https://www.speakpipe.com/DiaryOfAMatchmaker
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_03 (00:00):
You're 30.
You finally met someone whoticks all your boxes.
He's practicing, he's stable,he's kind, and you feel ready.
But then your dad takes one lookat him and says, absolutely not.
No solid reason that makessense.
Just no.
And this isn't the first time.
You've been here before.
(00:21):
So now you're wondering, is thiswhat getting married will be
like?
Assalamualaikum, I'm Hiba.
SPEAKER_01 (00:27):
And I'm Zaid.
SPEAKER_03 (00:28):
You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
A
SPEAKER_01 (00:31):
podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
SPEAKER_03 (00:34):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
SPEAKER_01 (00:38):
So let's dive in.
Bismillah.
Assalamualaikum everyone.
Welcome to another episode.
My name is Zaid and on the othermic is my wife and co-host Hiba.
Assalamualaikum.
So I'm sure you guys have allheard the famous ayahs that
reference obedience to yourparents.
It's in Surah Isra in the firstquarter of the 15th Juz.
(01:03):
And we've heard it over and overagain.
I've heard it all my life inkhutbahs.
I've heard it in halaqas.
You don't say as much as uf toyour parents.
You take care of them just likethey took care of you when you
were young.
But what gets swept under therug oftentimes is cases of
injustice and abuse.
Now, I'm not talking about thekind of domestic abuse, but in
(01:26):
the context of marriage.
We've been seeing a lot of thesecases.
Yes, they are rare and extremecases, but they do come up in
our discovery calls.
So, alhamdulillah, we finallydecided to sit down and review
those cases and dedicate anepisode to this.
SPEAKER_03 (01:43):
Yeah.
So today we're talking about thefather who says no to everyone
based on just bogus reasons, youcould say, and what you can do
in these situations.
SPEAKER_01 (01:53):
The common reasons we hear from girls that are
complaining about this is thatthe guy is either of a different
race or doesn't speak the samelanguage or a different culture.
Doesn't make enough money.
Doesn't make enough money.
Doesn't have a high enougheducation.
All reasons that are notnecessarily grounded in our
deen.
SPEAKER_03 (02:13):
Now, the problem is that a girl can't marry without
her wali, without her father'spermission.
So today we're talking aboutwilaya and which situations that
wilaya can be removed from anoppressive father.
SPEAKER_01 (02:30):
So what is wilaya, Dr.
SPEAKER_03 (02:32):
Saadi?
Dr.
Saadi, I'm not a doctor yet.
Inshallah,
SPEAKER_01 (02:35):
one day she's going to pursue her PhD.
SPEAKER_03 (02:37):
Inshallah.
But yeah, alhamdulillah, I didgo to University of Jordan,
studied sharia there, and then Idid my masters in Tafsir, so
even though I'm not a scholar,I'm not a stranger to the field.
The reason I'm saying this, I'mstating this, is because we're
discussing a sensitive topictoday.
So what is wilaya?
(02:57):
Wilaya in marriage is theIslamic principle that a woman,
a woman's guardian, usually herfather, is responsible for
ensuring she marries someonewho's suitable and that the
process is conducted responsiblyand Islamically.
So you could see that wilaya isactually a protection and it's
(03:17):
not a prison.
It's a responsibility and it'snot a privilege.
And what happens when it getsabused?
SPEAKER_01 (03:26):
Yeah, so it's a good question.
Let's unpack that.
Why is he saying no?
Why is the father saying no?
Not every rejection isoppressive.
I'm sure fathers don't come withan ill intention saying, no, I
just want to keep my daughterwith me for the rest of my life.
(03:47):
Like Rapunzel.
Rapunzel.
But when every man is beingrejected or dismissed, It's time
to ask important questions.
Is it about control?
Is it about status?
Is it race?
Is it tribe?
Is it culture?
What is the reason?
Or
SPEAKER_03 (04:06):
maybe they want to keep her so she takes care of
them in their old age, which isutter selfishness.
SPEAKER_01 (04:13):
It is, and that's really screwed up.
Is he afraid of losing control?
Right?
Men can be very controlling.
Yeah.
Does he have unrealisticexpectations?
right the guy has to be aspecialist in a certain field
and he
SPEAKER_03 (04:31):
has to be either a doctor or an engineer
SPEAKER_01 (04:33):
yes is it and this one's important is the
disapproval rooted in culture orreligion right so those
questions are really importantto ask and we're not and I want
to say this from the get-go andI'm going to say this again
we're not saying that if yourdad says no to a guy you
immediately saying okay I'mgoing to remove your wilaya you
(04:55):
know longer my holy we're notsuggesting that yeah there are
steps and these are extremesituations and ultimately we do
not want you to ever sever yourrelationship with your parents
SPEAKER_03 (05:07):
but even though you know that's strange even though
they're extreme they are not asuncommon as i thought they would
be we've been coming across themmore times than we would have
hoped for
SPEAKER_01 (05:18):
Yeah, I mean, who knows?
Maybe this has been happeningfor generations and now it's
just like we're just seeing itfor the first time.
Maybe.
But yeah, we saw a case comethrough in the UK.
We saw a case come through inCanada.
Another
SPEAKER_03 (05:33):
European country.
SPEAKER_01 (05:34):
Yeah, a case in Europe.
So it is pretty widespread.
SPEAKER_03 (05:40):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (05:41):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (05:42):
So many women in these situations, they don't
know what to do.
Should they wait?
Should they push?
Should they involve others?
Or if things get worse, shouldthey even consider removing
their father's wilaya?
And this episode is for thosewomen who are asking, am I doing
something wrong or is theresomething wrong being done to
(06:03):
me?
SPEAKER_01 (06:03):
So each situation, each circumstance is different.
And we're not going to give somesort of blanket fatwa.
Number one, we're not qualifiedto give fatwas.
And even if we were, we wouldn'tjust give some sort of blanket
fatwa to everybody.
Everybody's circumstance isdifferent.
And the goal should always be tosecure the relationship between
(06:25):
you and your father.
So...
when should you considerescalating it?
When has it gotten to a pointwhere you think, okay, I should
involve a third party?
And that's a good questionbecause number one, you should
never jump to removing wilayah.
And at the same time, youshouldn't pretend it's not an
(06:48):
option, right?
Because alhamdulillah, our deenis so flexible and the fact that
there is allowance for thatshows that Allah is aware of the
fact that responsibility andpower can get abused.
Yeah.
Right?
So he's given us an outlet.
SPEAKER_03 (07:05):
Yeah.
Allah will never accept any typeof injustice, whether it's being
done to a daughter or a parent,any human or an animal, even an
animal.
Like a woman entered Jahannambecause she abused a dog.
So let alone when a fatherabuses his daughter.
SPEAKER_01 (07:26):
so the question I asked before is when should you
start taking this idea ofremoving the wilayah seriously
number one as a girl are you anadult has there been a
consistent pattern of rejectionsbased on reasons that are not
rooted in Islam are theproposals that are coming from
(07:49):
guys that are financially ableto take on the responsibility of
marriage are of a suitablecharacter these questions need
to be kind of addressed
SPEAKER_03 (08:04):
another sign to look for is do others see what you
see or maybe you're beingcompletely acting out of
emotions and not thinkingreasonably
SPEAKER_01 (08:14):
Right.
Or is he also threatening you,shaming you, trying to
emotionally manipulate you?
SPEAKER_03 (08:21):
You're no longer my daughter.
I will disown you.
Which is, by the way, if aparent says you will no longer
be my daughter or my son, theycould say that a hundred times.
It would never change the factthat you are their daughter.
He is your father.
SPEAKER_01 (08:36):
for sure yeah uh let's share some specific
examples okay so the first oneis of a girl from the from the
uk i'm going to change her nameto farah and she was a girl in
her 40s and she had been tryingto get married for a long time
(08:57):
and her parents were not onlyrestrictive of the culture, but
also wanted her to get marriedto someone within the family,
extended family, obviously.
And obviously, she didn't findanybody compatible under the
restrictions that her parentsput.
And she got to a point where herparents just pretty much gave up
(09:19):
and said that they don't reallycare if she gets married or not,
which is so sad and reallyboiled our blood because...
the prime years of her life gotwasted.
And naturally, it's difficult,especially for women, to get
married in their 40s.
She's beyond the traditional ornormal childbearing age.
(09:41):
And for her to find a compatiblespouse at that age is, quite
frankly, very, very challenging,if not impossible.
SPEAKER_03 (09:49):
And despite all of this, she still doesn't want
to...
like move away from her parentsbecause she wants to take care
of them at their old age yeah sowhich is amazing and all her
siblings are married all hersiblings are married as children
and she's the one who wants toget the reward of taking care of
her parents
SPEAKER_01 (10:09):
so we i remember you had to put some sense into her
about that
SPEAKER_03 (10:12):
yes um yes
SPEAKER_01 (10:16):
people are the sensitive way i mean you weren't
trying to like sever therelationship with her parents
but at the same time you weretrying to put some sense into
her about her Islamic right
SPEAKER_03 (10:27):
especially that she has siblings she has brothers
which is by the way theresponsibility of taking care of
old parents it's upon thebrothers not the sisters
SPEAKER_01 (10:37):
despite the fact that they're married
SPEAKER_03 (10:40):
yes despite of course yeah and so like on one
hand I highly admire her becauseshe was she's able to be so
selfless and like take care ofher family her parents after
what they did to her but at thesame time is she thinking
rationally or is she justthinking emotionally and like
(11:02):
because the last thing you wantto do is for someone to
subconsciously theirmisunderstanding of the deen or
their romanticizing perceptionof the deen ends up manipulating
them or hurting them on the longterm
SPEAKER_01 (11:15):
right and another extreme kind of mindset with
that is girls might be thinkingoh Allah Allah has a different
plan for me he doesn't want meto get married it's not meant to
be it's not my nasib and theydon't even think about the what
their parents are doing to themor the fact that they have the
option of seeking a third partyto um To transfer wilayah.
(11:41):
Yes.
Right?
Because, like, they have thisweird twisted understanding of
Islam.
It's like, oh, it's not nasib.
Oh, it's nasib.
I'm just not meant to getmarried.
Well, no.
Like, you also have...
control over your destiny to anextent, right?
Yes.
So it's important that you don'thave your understanding of the
deen twisted.
SPEAKER_03 (12:00):
Yeah.
And in this specific case, thelady did everything.
She reached out to matchmakers.
She did events, like askedpeople to recommend her.
She's social.
She meets people.
But at this age, it's becomingvery difficult for her.
(12:21):
And who to blame?
SPEAKER_01 (12:23):
The
SPEAKER_03 (12:23):
parents.
Daddy and mommy.
SPEAKER_01 (12:25):
Yeah.
So let's talk about examplenumber two.
SPEAKER_03 (12:28):
So example number two is completely different.
In this case, it's the mother.
This mother was a matriarch.
She was the leader of the familyand she pretty much controlled
her husband.
Anything she says, anything shewants happens.
And the father failed to fulfillhis part as a leader.
(12:48):
and in this case she wasblocking uh her daughter from
getting married for what reasonssuperficial reasons he doesn't
have enough money to throw alavish wedding he doesn't have a
master's degree um He's not anengineer doctor.
Exactly.
And the daughter was 35, reached35.
(13:10):
And it became this mentalmanipulation, emotional
manipulation.
And even the mother threatenedthat she will disown her
daughter if she marries behindher back.
Not behind her back, if shemarries against her will.
And the father, he just does ashe told.
(13:30):
Which is...
So sad.
So sad, exactly.
SPEAKER_01 (13:35):
I know we're sounding judgmental, but I don't
care.
SPEAKER_03 (13:38):
Honestly, like this one, I wanted to punch the
screen.
Like there are so many moredetails to this that we're not
going to share, but...
Like she was asking, the girlwas asking if like, what should
she do?
She doesn't want to anger hermother.
She doesn't want to go againsther mother.
(13:58):
But the suitors were extremelycompatible.
And still the mother is sayingno.
So in this case, the father'swilaya could be removed because
he failed to fulfill his will.
his responsibility and he'sletting the mother just control
everything and there are anoption to remove the wilaya
(14:19):
which we're going to talk about
SPEAKER_01 (14:20):
right like how do we do that we'll get into that in a
bit example number three So inthis call, which we were just
reviewing before we startedrecording, I could see myself
getting visibly upset.
It got to the point where I juststopped midway through the call
and I said, okay, we need tounpack a lot of these things.
(14:41):
And I just started giving heradvice and was being very blunt
with her.
So we'll call this girl, what'sher name?
Yasmeen.
Okay, let's call her Yasmeen.
She is Arab in her mid-30s,lives in Canada.
very successful, pretty girl,fluent in English, and was
telling us that First of all,she just started looking in her
(15:04):
mid-30s, which was a problem Ihad to address.
SPEAKER_03 (15:08):
This was her first attempt.
SPEAKER_01 (15:09):
This was her first attempt.
And the other problem that was ared flag for me was the fact
that she kept saying, oh, I'm sobusy.
Yeah, I'm extremely busy.
I'm extremely busy with work.
I'm extremely busy with this,that, and the other.
And that's when I had to stopher and I said...
Mm-hmm.
(15:31):
Mm-hmm.
So there were multiple barriers.
SPEAKER_03 (15:49):
Yeah, so they were not open to somebody from
outside of the sub-ethnicity.
So Arabs, we come from differentbackgrounds, different
countries, but they wantedsomeone from the specific
country and let alone someonewho's not Arab.
which is extremely difficult inCanada in her specific province
(16:09):
with low number of Muslims tobegin with.
If this was Ontario, it would beslightly easier.
So that was one layer ofdifficulty.
The second layer, like youmentioned, they were absolutely
against her seeking help.
She has to wait for the nasib tocome.
SPEAKER_00 (16:30):
I don't understand this about your culture.
It
SPEAKER_01 (16:32):
really annoys
SPEAKER_03 (16:32):
me.
We don't seek help.
suitors we don't seek marriagemarriage seeks us wow so
entitled so entitled so backward
SPEAKER_01 (16:44):
exactly and so yeah we we kept talking to her and we
said i remember towards the endof the call i just said to her
straight up that you really needto have a heart-to-heart
conversation with your parents
SPEAKER_03 (16:57):
and she said she does she said every week i talk
to them every time i try tobring it up i spent a month
there the month of ramadan and ikept telling him and and opening
the conversations and all ofthat but they were just
completely shut down
SPEAKER_01 (17:12):
You know, and the other thing I'm just thinking
about now is that, God forbid,let's say, God forbid with this
girl, she does and commits somesort of haram, right?
Whether it's an illegitimatemarriage, a boyfriend,
relationship, whatever it mightbe.
The parents will be questioned.
They
SPEAKER_03 (17:29):
are responsible in some way.
SPEAKER_01 (17:32):
Right, because like we said in previous episodes,
when you close the doors tohalal, the haram becomes more
enticing, right?
And if parents are constantlyclosing these doors to these
halal, options for her of courseI mean she's living in a western
country she's amongstnon-Muslims those doors are
going to become very enticingfor her and parents are going to
(17:52):
have to answer
SPEAKER_03 (17:53):
Haram is pretty accessible like you don't even
have to be in a western countryHaram is pretty just on the tip
of your finger like You findeverything you want on your
phone.
But even she said she had agreat suitor who was a revert
and they rejected him.
So what can a girl do in thesesituations?
(18:16):
Hey, if you have a story totell, we'd love to have you on.
Here you'll find a safe space oflisteners who can understand
what you're going through.
Just shoot us an email with asummary of your story at info at
halalmatch.ca.
So at the time of the Prophet,there was a sahabiya.
Her name was Khansa bint Khidam.
(18:39):
And she came to the Prophet andshe complained that her father
married her off to a man withouther consent.
And the Prophet invalidated themarriage.
He said that without yourconsent, it's an invalid nikah.
And scholars deduced from thisthat a father who abuses his
(18:59):
wilayah is doing injustice tothe girl and this invalidates
the nikah.
And they deduced from this thata father who's abusing his
wilaya and preventing hisdaughter from seeking marriage,
then his wilaya can be removed.
How does this look like in 2025?
SPEAKER_01 (19:18):
So some actionable steps that you can take.
We would never ever recommendyou take the drastic step of
considering removing the wilayafrom your father.
It's
SPEAKER_03 (19:27):
like amputating a limb.
SPEAKER_01 (19:29):
Yes, it's very serious and so this should only
be considered under extremecircumstances.
So number one, journal.
Document every proposal that hascome through.
Why did your father reject them?
Did the proposals meet basicIslamic criteria?
Was he financially able?
Did he have good akhlaaq?
SPEAKER_03 (19:49):
And try to be objective, not just because you
like the suitor, then youimmediately consider that your
father was unreasonable.
SPEAKER_01 (19:58):
Think practically.
It's also worth documenting thatthat you're attracted to the
guy.
Of course.
Yeah, of course.
So journaling, I would say, isthe first step.
The next step would be Or theycan happen simultaneously.
There's no problem with that.
Involving your mother, involvingsiblings, like mature adult
(20:19):
siblings, involving extendedfamily that you trust that are
knowledgeable.
SPEAKER_03 (20:25):
Talk to your father.
Remind him of the deen.
Remind him of the values ofIslam that Islam is not a
religion of racism and tribalismand materialism.
So remind him of that.
Some people come around whenthey are reminded of Islam.
SPEAKER_01 (20:43):
Yeah.
And in some cases, fathers mightconnect with certain members of
the community that they trustand understand.
So I would say the next step isreach out to a respected sheikh,
imam, scholar in the communityand have that person speak
directly to your father.
(21:03):
And like you just said, remindhim about the deen.
SPEAKER_03 (21:08):
Yeah.
All these conversations withyour father, they shouldn't come
from a place of anger or revengeor heated emotions.
Because once that happens, yourfather is just going to block
everything.
Nothing's going to go through.
SPEAKER_01 (21:26):
Yeah.
At the end of the day, thefather wants to know that he's
being respected as the leader ofthe home.
Yeah.
So let's say you've tried all ofthese steps.
Nothing's worked.
Now it's time for the drama to,for lack of a better term, cut
the limb.
(21:48):
So what do we do?
SPEAKER_03 (21:49):
Well, you do have the option.
We're not going to dance aroundit.
You do have the option to getyour father's willa removed.
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (21:56):
And once again, this is only after you've tried
everything else.
SPEAKER_03 (22:00):
Yes, yes, yes.
And so if you live in a Muslimcountry, you can complain to the
judge, to the Muslim judge,present your case.
Like you said, if you didjournal, then you show the
evidence, every case, whathappened.
And then the judge will studythe case will study the evidence
(22:21):
and if he finds that your fatheractually was doing injustice to
you
SPEAKER_01 (22:26):
he can transfer the wilaya to first the grandparent
I
SPEAKER_03 (22:29):
believe yes the grandparent brother and uncle or
in some cases he will act asyour wali and he will marry you
off but since so this is to ourlisteners who live in Muslim
countries and to the rest of uswho live in the west we don't
have like mahaqim shafi'i wedon't have muslim judges and
(22:52):
sharia or anything here so yougo to a scholar in your
community who is knowledgeableon family law who does nikah
contracts and same thing exactlysame route you present your case
and if for lack lack of betterterm if your father found guilty
the scholar will act as yourwali right there's always um
(23:15):
there's always a way like allahwould never accept injustice to
happen Right.
So the goal here
SPEAKER_01 (23:31):
isn't to cut off your father.
It's to fulfill your Islamicright to marriage.
Yeah.
You know, there's cases where afather might say, or he might
emotionally blackmail you andsay, you know, you're not my
daughter.
I'm cutting you off if you getmarried without my consent.
SPEAKER_03 (23:47):
You'll not get my inheritance, which is all
just...
What is a polite expression tosay BS?
SPEAKER_01 (23:55):
Hogwash.
SPEAKER_03 (23:56):
This is just emotional manipulation.
Yeah.
Your father's inheritance, it'snot his to decide...
oh, you're not going to get anyof my inheritance.
It's not his.
Once he dies, then each personin the family who are entitled
to inherit, they have theirshare.
It's not up to your father.
SPEAKER_01 (24:16):
Exactly.
So there's some importantquestions to ask if you are
going to take this drastic step.
Number one, if your father neverapproves of anyone, are you
willing to never get married?
Like if you decide to just kindof go with the flow, are you
okay with just being celibate?
(24:38):
Or if you do go without him, areyou emotionally prepared enough
Both emotionally and spirituallyready for what happens
SPEAKER_03 (24:46):
next.
Because it's not just yourfather who's going to cut you
off.
It's probably going to extend toother family members, your
mother, your siblings.
If you go and have children,your father might not want to
have anything with yourchildren.
SPEAKER_01 (25:02):
One more thing I want to say about this is that
the guy cannot pressure a girlto do this.
This is solely the decision ofthe girl.
It's very important.
So guys, if you are a guylistening to this, you cannot
emotionally manipulate the girlto sever the relationship with
her father.
If you
SPEAKER_03 (25:20):
love me, you will remove your father's will.
Come on.
That's messed up.
And also for you, the girl, areyou so certain about this guy
that you're willing to bet yourrelationship with your family
over him?
SPEAKER_01 (25:35):
That's a big question.
SPEAKER_03 (25:36):
Yes, because if you're not, then you might end
up in a situation where you findyourself in a miserable marriage
or even divorced or whatever isworse.
And at the same time, you havesevered the relationship with
your family.
So if you're not sure about theguy, if it's just your emotions
(25:56):
leading you and not reason, thenthink twice before you take the
step.
SPEAKER_01 (26:00):
For sure.
Inshallah, we hope thisbenefited you.
And as a reminder, this episodeis not about...
disobeying your father orsevering your relationship with
him.
It's about reminding you of yourIslamic right to find a suitable
spouse and that there areoptions available to you in
extreme situations.
SPEAKER_03 (26:21):
I think it's important to just talk about the
human aspect of it and not justlike you have the right to do
this.
You see the pain in these girls'eyes and you see how it shaped
them their future.
We don't want to see that happenwith you guys.
You see the uncertainty.
(26:42):
They're so uncertain about theirfuture.
They find themselves in limbo.
Should I stay patient?
Should I go against my parents?
Should I risk losing myrelationship with my parents?
I want a companion.
I want the opportunity to have afamily and have children, love
someone, be loved.
(27:04):
I have physical needs.
I can't even talk about myphysical needs with my parents.
They would absolutely go nuts.
People find themselves trappedand nobody should be in such a
situation.
Again, we are not telling youwhat to do, but we are just
reminding you that if you findyourself in this dire situation,
(27:26):
there are outlets, halaloutlets.
You shouldn't feel guilty aboutthem.
You shouldn't feel like you didanything haram if you decide to
go that route.
And may Allah guide you and usand everyone to do the right
thing.
SPEAKER_01 (27:42):
Yeah, so if you've been in this situation or are in
it right now, or you knowsomeone that's in this
situation, tell us that storyanonymously.
We want to hear your struggles.
We want to hear your wins, whatyou would advise other women to
do who are going through thesame thing.
And inshallah, if you found thisepisode helpful, share it with a
(28:04):
friend.
It's the only way we can growand keep giving you guys more
and sharing our professional andpersonal experiences.
Until next time.
Assalamu alaikum.
You're 30.
You finally met someone whoticks all your boxes.
He's practicing, he's stable,he's kind, and you feel ready.
But then your dad takes one lookat him and says, absolutely not.
No solid reason that makessense.
Just no.
And this isn't the first time.
You've been here before.
(00:21):
So now you're wondering, is thiswhat getting married will be
like?
Assalamualaikum, I'm Hiba.
SPEAKER_01 (00:27):
And I'm Zaid.
SPEAKER_03 (00:28):
You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
A
SPEAKER_01 (00:31):
podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
SPEAKER_03 (00:34):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
SPEAKER_01 (00:38):
So let's dive in.
Bismillah.
Assalamualaikum everyone.
Welcome to another episode.
My name is Zaid and on the othermic is my wife and co-host Hiba.
Assalamualaikum.
So I'm sure you guys have allheard the famous ayahs that
reference obedience to yourparents.
It's in Surah Isra in the firstquarter of the 15th Juz.
(01:03):
And we've heard it over and overagain.
I've heard it all my life inkhutbahs.
I've heard it in halaqas.
You don't say as much as uf toyour parents.
You take care of them just likethey took care of you when you
were young.
But what gets swept under therug oftentimes is cases of
injustice and abuse.
Now, I'm not talking about thekind of domestic abuse, but in
(01:26):
the context of marriage.
We've been seeing a lot of thesecases.
Yes, they are rare and extremecases, but they do come up in
our discovery calls.
So, alhamdulillah, we finallydecided to sit down and review
those cases and dedicate anepisode to this.
SPEAKER_03 (01:43):
Yeah.
So today we're talking about thefather who says no to everyone
based on just bogus reasons, youcould say, and what you can do
in these situations.
SPEAKER_01 (01:53):
The common reasons we hear from girls that are
complaining about this is thatthe guy is either of a different
race or doesn't speak the samelanguage or a different culture.
Doesn't make enough money.
Doesn't make enough money.
Doesn't have a high enougheducation.
All reasons that are notnecessarily grounded in our
deen.
SPEAKER_03 (02:13):
Now, the problem is that a girl can't marry without
her wali, without her father'spermission.
So today we're talking aboutwilaya and which situations that
wilaya can be removed from anoppressive father.
SPEAKER_01 (02:30):
So what is wilaya, Dr.
SPEAKER_03 (02:32):
Saadi?
Dr.
Saadi, I'm not a doctor yet.
Inshallah,
SPEAKER_01 (02:35):
one day she's going to pursue her PhD.
SPEAKER_03 (02:37):
Inshallah.
But yeah, alhamdulillah, I didgo to University of Jordan,
studied sharia there, and then Idid my masters in Tafsir, so
even though I'm not a scholar,I'm not a stranger to the field.
The reason I'm saying this, I'mstating this, is because we're
discussing a sensitive topictoday.
So what is wilaya?
(02:57):
Wilaya in marriage is theIslamic principle that a woman,
a woman's guardian, usually herfather, is responsible for
ensuring she marries someonewho's suitable and that the
process is conducted responsiblyand Islamically.
So you could see that wilaya isactually a protection and it's
(03:17):
not a prison.
It's a responsibility and it'snot a privilege.
And what happens when it getsabused?
SPEAKER_01 (03:26):
Yeah, so it's a good question.
Let's unpack that.
Why is he saying no?
Why is the father saying no?
Not every rejection isoppressive.
I'm sure fathers don't come withan ill intention saying, no, I
just want to keep my daughterwith me for the rest of my life.
(03:47):
Like Rapunzel.
Rapunzel.
But when every man is beingrejected or dismissed, It's time
to ask important questions.
Is it about control?
Is it about status?
Is it race?
Is it tribe?
Is it culture?
What is the reason?
Or
SPEAKER_03 (04:06):
maybe they want to keep her so she takes care of
them in their old age, which isutter selfishness.
SPEAKER_01 (04:13):
It is, and that's really screwed up.
Is he afraid of losing control?
Right?
Men can be very controlling.
Yeah.
Does he have unrealisticexpectations?
right the guy has to be aspecialist in a certain field
and he
SPEAKER_03 (04:31):
has to be either a doctor or an engineer
SPEAKER_01 (04:33):
yes is it and this one's important is the
disapproval rooted in culture orreligion right so those
questions are really importantto ask and we're not and I want
to say this from the get-go andI'm going to say this again
we're not saying that if yourdad says no to a guy you
immediately saying okay I'mgoing to remove your wilaya you
(04:55):
know longer my holy we're notsuggesting that yeah there are
steps and these are extremesituations and ultimately we do
not want you to ever sever yourrelationship with your parents
SPEAKER_03 (05:07):
but even though you know that's strange even though
they're extreme they are not asuncommon as i thought they would
be we've been coming across themmore times than we would have
hoped for
SPEAKER_01 (05:18):
Yeah, I mean, who knows?
Maybe this has been happeningfor generations and now it's
just like we're just seeing itfor the first time.
Maybe.
But yeah, we saw a case comethrough in the UK.
We saw a case come through inCanada.
Another
SPEAKER_03 (05:33):
European country.
SPEAKER_01 (05:34):
Yeah, a case in Europe.
So it is pretty widespread.
SPEAKER_03 (05:40):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (05:41):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (05:42):
So many women in these situations, they don't
know what to do.
Should they wait?
Should they push?
Should they involve others?
Or if things get worse, shouldthey even consider removing
their father's wilaya?
And this episode is for thosewomen who are asking, am I doing
something wrong or is theresomething wrong being done to
(06:03):
me?
SPEAKER_01 (06:03):
So each situation, each circumstance is different.
And we're not going to give somesort of blanket fatwa.
Number one, we're not qualifiedto give fatwas.
And even if we were, we wouldn'tjust give some sort of blanket
fatwa to everybody.
Everybody's circumstance isdifferent.
And the goal should always be tosecure the relationship between
(06:25):
you and your father.
So...
when should you considerescalating it?
When has it gotten to a pointwhere you think, okay, I should
involve a third party?
And that's a good questionbecause number one, you should
never jump to removing wilayah.
And at the same time, youshouldn't pretend it's not an
(06:48):
option, right?
Because alhamdulillah, our deenis so flexible and the fact that
there is allowance for thatshows that Allah is aware of the
fact that responsibility andpower can get abused.
Yeah.
Right?
So he's given us an outlet.
SPEAKER_03 (07:05):
Yeah.
Allah will never accept any typeof injustice, whether it's being
done to a daughter or a parent,any human or an animal, even an
animal.
Like a woman entered Jahannambecause she abused a dog.
So let alone when a fatherabuses his daughter.
SPEAKER_01 (07:26):
so the question I asked before is when should you
start taking this idea ofremoving the wilayah seriously
number one as a girl are you anadult has there been a
consistent pattern of rejectionsbased on reasons that are not
rooted in Islam are theproposals that are coming from
(07:49):
guys that are financially ableto take on the responsibility of
marriage are of a suitablecharacter these questions need
to be kind of addressed
SPEAKER_03 (08:04):
another sign to look for is do others see what you
see or maybe you're beingcompletely acting out of
emotions and not thinkingreasonably
SPEAKER_01 (08:14):
Right.
Or is he also threatening you,shaming you, trying to
emotionally manipulate you?
SPEAKER_03 (08:21):
You're no longer my daughter.
I will disown you.
Which is, by the way, if aparent says you will no longer
be my daughter or my son, theycould say that a hundred times.
It would never change the factthat you are their daughter.
He is your father.
SPEAKER_01 (08:36):
for sure yeah uh let's share some specific
examples okay so the first oneis of a girl from the from the
uk i'm going to change her nameto farah and she was a girl in
her 40s and she had been tryingto get married for a long time
(08:57):
and her parents were not onlyrestrictive of the culture, but
also wanted her to get marriedto someone within the family,
extended family, obviously.
And obviously, she didn't findanybody compatible under the
restrictions that her parentsput.
And she got to a point where herparents just pretty much gave up
(09:19):
and said that they don't reallycare if she gets married or not,
which is so sad and reallyboiled our blood because...
the prime years of her life gotwasted.
And naturally, it's difficult,especially for women, to get
married in their 40s.
She's beyond the traditional ornormal childbearing age.
(09:41):
And for her to find a compatiblespouse at that age is, quite
frankly, very, very challenging,if not impossible.
SPEAKER_03 (09:49):
And despite all of this, she still doesn't want
to...
like move away from her parentsbecause she wants to take care
of them at their old age yeah sowhich is amazing and all her
siblings are married all hersiblings are married as children
and she's the one who wants toget the reward of taking care of
her parents
SPEAKER_01 (10:09):
so we i remember you had to put some sense into her
about that
SPEAKER_03 (10:12):
yes um yes
SPEAKER_01 (10:16):
people are the sensitive way i mean you weren't
trying to like sever therelationship with her parents
but at the same time you weretrying to put some sense into
her about her Islamic right
SPEAKER_03 (10:27):
especially that she has siblings she has brothers
which is by the way theresponsibility of taking care of
old parents it's upon thebrothers not the sisters
SPEAKER_01 (10:37):
despite the fact that they're married
SPEAKER_03 (10:40):
yes despite of course yeah and so like on one
hand I highly admire her becauseshe was she's able to be so
selfless and like take care ofher family her parents after
what they did to her but at thesame time is she thinking
rationally or is she justthinking emotionally and like
(11:02):
because the last thing you wantto do is for someone to
subconsciously theirmisunderstanding of the deen or
their romanticizing perceptionof the deen ends up manipulating
them or hurting them on the longterm
SPEAKER_01 (11:15):
right and another extreme kind of mindset with
that is girls might be thinkingoh Allah Allah has a different
plan for me he doesn't want meto get married it's not meant to
be it's not my nasib and theydon't even think about the what
their parents are doing to themor the fact that they have the
option of seeking a third partyto um To transfer wilayah.
(11:41):
Yes.
Right?
Because, like, they have thisweird twisted understanding of
Islam.
It's like, oh, it's not nasib.
Oh, it's nasib.
I'm just not meant to getmarried.
Well, no.
Like, you also have...
control over your destiny to anextent, right?
Yes.
So it's important that you don'thave your understanding of the
deen twisted.
SPEAKER_03 (12:00):
Yeah.
And in this specific case, thelady did everything.
She reached out to matchmakers.
She did events, like askedpeople to recommend her.
She's social.
She meets people.
But at this age, it's becomingvery difficult for her.
(12:21):
And who to blame?
SPEAKER_01 (12:23):
The
SPEAKER_03 (12:23):
parents.
Daddy and mommy.
SPEAKER_01 (12:25):
Yeah.
So let's talk about examplenumber two.
SPEAKER_03 (12:28):
So example number two is completely different.
In this case, it's the mother.
This mother was a matriarch.
She was the leader of the familyand she pretty much controlled
her husband.
Anything she says, anything shewants happens.
And the father failed to fulfillhis part as a leader.
(12:48):
and in this case she wasblocking uh her daughter from
getting married for what reasonssuperficial reasons he doesn't
have enough money to throw alavish wedding he doesn't have a
master's degree um He's not anengineer doctor.
Exactly.
And the daughter was 35, reached35.
(13:10):
And it became this mentalmanipulation, emotional
manipulation.
And even the mother threatenedthat she will disown her
daughter if she marries behindher back.
Not behind her back, if shemarries against her will.
And the father, he just does ashe told.
(13:30):
Which is...
So sad.
So sad, exactly.
SPEAKER_01 (13:35):
I know we're sounding judgmental, but I don't
care.
SPEAKER_03 (13:38):
Honestly, like this one, I wanted to punch the
screen.
Like there are so many moredetails to this that we're not
going to share, but...
Like she was asking, the girlwas asking if like, what should
she do?
She doesn't want to anger hermother.
She doesn't want to go againsther mother.
(13:58):
But the suitors were extremelycompatible.
And still the mother is sayingno.
So in this case, the father'swilaya could be removed because
he failed to fulfill his will.
his responsibility and he'sletting the mother just control
everything and there are anoption to remove the wilaya
(14:19):
which we're going to talk about
SPEAKER_01 (14:20):
right like how do we do that we'll get into that in a
bit example number three So inthis call, which we were just
reviewing before we startedrecording, I could see myself
getting visibly upset.
It got to the point where I juststopped midway through the call
and I said, okay, we need tounpack a lot of these things.
(14:41):
And I just started giving heradvice and was being very blunt
with her.
So we'll call this girl, what'sher name?
Yasmeen.
Okay, let's call her Yasmeen.
She is Arab in her mid-30s,lives in Canada.
very successful, pretty girl,fluent in English, and was
telling us that First of all,she just started looking in her
(15:04):
mid-30s, which was a problem Ihad to address.
SPEAKER_03 (15:08):
This was her first attempt.
SPEAKER_01 (15:09):
This was her first attempt.
And the other problem that was ared flag for me was the fact
that she kept saying, oh, I'm sobusy.
Yeah, I'm extremely busy.
I'm extremely busy with work.
I'm extremely busy with this,that, and the other.
And that's when I had to stopher and I said...
Mm-hmm.
(15:31):
Mm-hmm.
So there were multiple barriers.
SPEAKER_03 (15:49):
Yeah, so they were not open to somebody from
outside of the sub-ethnicity.
So Arabs, we come from differentbackgrounds, different
countries, but they wantedsomeone from the specific
country and let alone someonewho's not Arab.
which is extremely difficult inCanada in her specific province
(16:09):
with low number of Muslims tobegin with.
If this was Ontario, it would beslightly easier.
So that was one layer ofdifficulty.
The second layer, like youmentioned, they were absolutely
against her seeking help.
She has to wait for the nasib tocome.
SPEAKER_00 (16:30):
I don't understand this about your culture.
It
SPEAKER_01 (16:32):
really annoys
SPEAKER_03 (16:32):
me.
We don't seek help.
suitors we don't seek marriagemarriage seeks us wow so
entitled so entitled so backward
SPEAKER_01 (16:44):
exactly and so yeah we we kept talking to her and we
said i remember towards the endof the call i just said to her
straight up that you really needto have a heart-to-heart
conversation with your parents
SPEAKER_03 (16:57):
and she said she does she said every week i talk
to them every time i try tobring it up i spent a month
there the month of ramadan and ikept telling him and and opening
the conversations and all ofthat but they were just
completely shut down
SPEAKER_01 (17:12):
You know, and the other thing I'm just thinking
about now is that, God forbid,let's say, God forbid with this
girl, she does and commits somesort of haram, right?
Whether it's an illegitimatemarriage, a boyfriend,
relationship, whatever it mightbe.
The parents will be questioned.
They
SPEAKER_03 (17:29):
are responsible in some way.
SPEAKER_01 (17:32):
Right, because like we said in previous episodes,
when you close the doors tohalal, the haram becomes more
enticing, right?
And if parents are constantlyclosing these doors to these
halal, options for her of courseI mean she's living in a western
country she's amongstnon-Muslims those doors are
going to become very enticingfor her and parents are going to
(17:52):
have to answer
SPEAKER_03 (17:53):
Haram is pretty accessible like you don't even
have to be in a western countryHaram is pretty just on the tip
of your finger like You findeverything you want on your
phone.
But even she said she had agreat suitor who was a revert
and they rejected him.
So what can a girl do in thesesituations?
(18:16):
Hey, if you have a story totell, we'd love to have you on.
Here you'll find a safe space oflisteners who can understand
what you're going through.
Just shoot us an email with asummary of your story at info at
halalmatch.ca.
So at the time of the Prophet,there was a sahabiya.
Her name was Khansa bint Khidam.
(18:39):
And she came to the Prophet andshe complained that her father
married her off to a man withouther consent.
And the Prophet invalidated themarriage.
He said that without yourconsent, it's an invalid nikah.
And scholars deduced from thisthat a father who abuses his
(18:59):
wilayah is doing injustice tothe girl and this invalidates
the nikah.
And they deduced from this thata father who's abusing his
wilaya and preventing hisdaughter from seeking marriage,
then his wilaya can be removed.
How does this look like in 2025?
SPEAKER_01 (19:18):
So some actionable steps that you can take.
We would never ever recommendyou take the drastic step of
considering removing the wilayafrom your father.
It's
SPEAKER_03 (19:27):
like amputating a limb.
SPEAKER_01 (19:29):
Yes, it's very serious and so this should only
be considered under extremecircumstances.
So number one, journal.
Document every proposal that hascome through.
Why did your father reject them?
Did the proposals meet basicIslamic criteria?
Was he financially able?
Did he have good akhlaaq?
SPEAKER_03 (19:49):
And try to be objective, not just because you
like the suitor, then youimmediately consider that your
father was unreasonable.
SPEAKER_01 (19:58):
Think practically.
It's also worth documenting thatthat you're attracted to the
guy.
Of course.
Yeah, of course.
So journaling, I would say, isthe first step.
The next step would be Or theycan happen simultaneously.
There's no problem with that.
Involving your mother, involvingsiblings, like mature adult
(20:19):
siblings, involving extendedfamily that you trust that are
knowledgeable.
SPEAKER_03 (20:25):
Talk to your father.
Remind him of the deen.
Remind him of the values ofIslam that Islam is not a
religion of racism and tribalismand materialism.
So remind him of that.
Some people come around whenthey are reminded of Islam.
SPEAKER_01 (20:43):
Yeah.
And in some cases, fathers mightconnect with certain members of
the community that they trustand understand.
So I would say the next step isreach out to a respected sheikh,
imam, scholar in the communityand have that person speak
directly to your father.
(21:03):
And like you just said, remindhim about the deen.
SPEAKER_03 (21:08):
Yeah.
All these conversations withyour father, they shouldn't come
from a place of anger or revengeor heated emotions.
Because once that happens, yourfather is just going to block
everything.
Nothing's going to go through.
SPEAKER_01 (21:26):
Yeah.
At the end of the day, thefather wants to know that he's
being respected as the leader ofthe home.
Yeah.
So let's say you've tried all ofthese steps.
Nothing's worked.
Now it's time for the drama to,for lack of a better term, cut
the limb.
(21:48):
So what do we do?
SPEAKER_03 (21:49):
Well, you do have the option.
We're not going to dance aroundit.
You do have the option to getyour father's willa removed.
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (21:56):
And once again, this is only after you've tried
everything else.
SPEAKER_03 (22:00):
Yes, yes, yes.
And so if you live in a Muslimcountry, you can complain to the
judge, to the Muslim judge,present your case.
Like you said, if you didjournal, then you show the
evidence, every case, whathappened.
And then the judge will studythe case will study the evidence
(22:21):
and if he finds that your fatheractually was doing injustice to
you
SPEAKER_01 (22:26):
he can transfer the wilaya to first the grandparent
I
SPEAKER_03 (22:29):
believe yes the grandparent brother and uncle or
in some cases he will act asyour wali and he will marry you
off but since so this is to ourlisteners who live in Muslim
countries and to the rest of uswho live in the west we don't
have like mahaqim shafi'i wedon't have muslim judges and
(22:52):
sharia or anything here so yougo to a scholar in your
community who is knowledgeableon family law who does nikah
contracts and same thing exactlysame route you present your case
and if for lack lack of betterterm if your father found guilty
the scholar will act as yourwali right there's always um
(23:15):
there's always a way like allahwould never accept injustice to
happen Right.
So the goal here
SPEAKER_01 (23:31):
isn't to cut off your father.
It's to fulfill your Islamicright to marriage.
Yeah.
You know, there's cases where afather might say, or he might
emotionally blackmail you andsay, you know, you're not my
daughter.
I'm cutting you off if you getmarried without my consent.
SPEAKER_03 (23:47):
You'll not get my inheritance, which is all
just...
What is a polite expression tosay BS?
SPEAKER_01 (23:55):
Hogwash.
SPEAKER_03 (23:56):
This is just emotional manipulation.
Yeah.
Your father's inheritance, it'snot his to decide...
oh, you're not going to get anyof my inheritance.
It's not his.
Once he dies, then each personin the family who are entitled
to inherit, they have theirshare.
It's not up to your father.
SPEAKER_01 (24:16):
Exactly.
So there's some importantquestions to ask if you are
going to take this drastic step.
Number one, if your father neverapproves of anyone, are you
willing to never get married?
Like if you decide to just kindof go with the flow, are you
okay with just being celibate?
(24:38):
Or if you do go without him, areyou emotionally prepared enough
Both emotionally and spirituallyready for what happens
SPEAKER_03 (24:46):
next.
Because it's not just yourfather who's going to cut you
off.
It's probably going to extend toother family members, your
mother, your siblings.
If you go and have children,your father might not want to
have anything with yourchildren.
SPEAKER_01 (25:02):
One more thing I want to say about this is that
the guy cannot pressure a girlto do this.
This is solely the decision ofthe girl.
It's very important.
So guys, if you are a guylistening to this, you cannot
emotionally manipulate the girlto sever the relationship with
her father.
If you
SPEAKER_03 (25:20):
love me, you will remove your father's will.
Come on.
That's messed up.
And also for you, the girl, areyou so certain about this guy
that you're willing to bet yourrelationship with your family
over him?
SPEAKER_01 (25:35):
That's a big question.
SPEAKER_03 (25:36):
Yes, because if you're not, then you might end
up in a situation where you findyourself in a miserable marriage
or even divorced or whatever isworse.
And at the same time, you havesevered the relationship with
your family.
So if you're not sure about theguy, if it's just your emotions
(25:56):
leading you and not reason, thenthink twice before you take the
step.
SPEAKER_01 (26:00):
For sure.
Inshallah, we hope thisbenefited you.
And as a reminder, this episodeis not about...
disobeying your father orsevering your relationship with
him.
It's about reminding you of yourIslamic right to find a suitable
spouse and that there areoptions available to you in
extreme situations.
SPEAKER_03 (26:21):
I think it's important to just talk about the
human aspect of it and not justlike you have the right to do
this.
You see the pain in these girls'eyes and you see how it shaped
them their future.
We don't want to see that happenwith you guys.
You see the uncertainty.
(26:42):
They're so uncertain about theirfuture.
They find themselves in limbo.
Should I stay patient?
Should I go against my parents?
Should I risk losing myrelationship with my parents?
I want a companion.
I want the opportunity to have afamily and have children, love
someone, be loved.
(27:04):
I have physical needs.
I can't even talk about myphysical needs with my parents.
They would absolutely go nuts.
People find themselves trappedand nobody should be in such a
situation.
Again, we are not telling youwhat to do, but we are just
reminding you that if you findyourself in this dire situation,
(27:26):
there are outlets, halaloutlets.
You shouldn't feel guilty aboutthem.
You shouldn't feel like you didanything haram if you decide to
go that route.
And may Allah guide you and usand everyone to do the right
thing.
SPEAKER_01 (27:42):
Yeah, so if you've been in this situation or are in
it right now, or you knowsomeone that's in this
situation, tell us that storyanonymously.
We want to hear your struggles.
We want to hear your wins, whatyou would advise other women to
do who are going through thesame thing.
And inshallah, if you found thisepisode helpful, share it with a
(28:04):
friend.
It's the only way we can growand keep giving you guys more
and sharing our professional andpersonal experiences.
Until next time.
Assalamu alaikum.
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Cold Case Files: Miami
Joyce Sapp, 76; Bryan Herrera, 16; and Laurance Webb, 32—three Miami residents whose lives were stolen in brutal, unsolved homicides. Cold Case Files: Miami follows award‑winning radio host and City of Miami Police reserve officer Enrique Santos as he partners with the department’s Cold Case Homicide Unit, determined family members, and the advocates who spend their lives fighting for justice for the victims who can no longer fight for themselves.