May 16, 2025 • 27 mins
Ghosting sucks, especially when you’re serious about marriage. You start overthinking: Did I say something wrong? Is it my looks? But usually, it’s not about you. In this episode we get real about ghosting, from both sides. Zaid admits he once micro-ghosted because he couldn’t be honest, while Hiba shares the pain of being left hanging. We break down why ghosting happens so much in Muslim courting, why silence feels “easier,” and what Islam says about honest communication.
Been ghosted or done the ghosting? This episode’s for you. Share your story on the Single Muslim Hotline!
Got a dilemma or story? The Single Muslim Hotline is here for you! We’ll play your anonymous messages in future episodes and offer real talk. Drop us a voice note 👇🏻
https://www.speakpipe.com/DiaryOfAMatchmaker
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You meet someone, things are good, you're texting,
maybe had a meeting or two,then nothing, silence.
They disappear like the lastslice of cake at a wedding.
Is it something I said,something I wore?
Did their mom find a bettercandidate overnight?
(00:22):
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
And I'm Zaid, you're listeningto Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
So let's dive in.
Bismillah, assalamu alaikumeveryone, welcome to another
episode.
My name is Zaid and on theother mic is my wife and co-host
Hiba.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
As-salamu alaykum.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Ghosting, I'm sure, is a word everybody has heard of
by now.
It's a phenomenon most peopleare familiar with.
We have both experienced it insome way, and we'll get into
those stories in a little bit,and before we do, we just want
to mention that through thisepisode, our intention is not to
(01:11):
bash ghosters, but rather comeat this with the perspective of
understanding why people do it,what lessons we can learn from
it, how we can grow from it andother things we can take away
from ghosting.
So let's start with the termitself.
What is ghosting, hiba?
Speaker 1 (01:25):
It's cutting off communication with someone
you're in talks to, of coursefor the purpose of marriage.
With no explanation, they justdisappear.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
Or another term, micro-ghosting.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Yes, or breadcrumbing .
I think this one is also thesame one as breadcrumbing when
somebody fades away slowly, theytake longer to reply to your
messages, they don't returnphone calls and it just like
it's gradual, gradual ghostingokay, I'm not sure if that's
still breadcrumbing.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
I might have to look into breadcrumbing okay, so many
gen z terms.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
I feel so old right now yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
So why do people do?
It is the big question.
Why do people suddenly cut offcommunication and, as we were
preparing for this episode, itreminded me of something that I
was not very proud of, which wasghosting somebody prior to us
getting married.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
So you were the ghoster, not the ghosty, Exactly
Actually.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
I have been both, but actually I've been both the
ghoster and the ghosty okay uh,but let's start off with me
being the ghoster first.
So, prior to meeting you, I wasspeaking to a girl, uh, with the
hopes of getting married.
And, um, this girl,alhamdulillah, she checked all
my boxes, like she wassupportive of the arts, she was
(02:44):
into yoga, really down to earth.
Our conversations would flow.
Um, it was a great match, uh,but there was just one problem I
was not physically attracted toher, for whatever reason.
And, uh, I had hit a point inmy life where I was desperate to
get married.
I wasn't having luck and I wasgetting sick of the usual
(03:06):
rejections, which were, you know, rejections based on my lack of
advanced degree, my lack ofhigh income, my lack of
immigration stability, I mean,the list goes on and on and on
right.
And I just thought, I just Ijust wanted to get married.
And so, finally, when this girlcame along, and I thought, okay
(03:30):
, I'm going to hang on to thisas best and for as long as I can
, and of course it was out of myown insecurity, it was out of
my own lack of self-confidence.
So we talked for an extendedperiod of time and we met each
other's families I met herfamily, she met my family and we
(03:53):
got to a point where the nextstep was having our nikah done.
And it was at that point whereI realized Nikah or baat pakki.
Baat pakki slash nikah, likethis serious step had to be
taken.
Okay, um, batpaki was kind ofalready done, like it usually
happens after both families meetand they're on the same page
(04:15):
about moving forward.
So the next step was having ournikah done, or at least having
a serious conversation aboutthat, and it was at that point I
realized that I have to end it,because I knew deep down that
if I did move forward it wouldend in a divorce because, like I
said, I was not attracted toher and I was just hanging on to
(04:38):
this because I had nothing elseso in your mind you knew that
you're just prolonging this eventhough it's not going to lead
to marriage.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Or you thought, maybe with time you're going to feel
attraction towards her.
That too.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
I thought maybe in time I would develop an
attraction to her.
It didn't happen.
We were talking for a long timeand that attraction just didn't
come, and I couldn't force it.
Every time I saw her picture Ijust thought you know, I just
have to be patient with myself.
I had just have to give it time.
And finally, when that momentcame where we had to take the
(05:13):
serious leap, I thought it'seither now or never, and I
didn't know how to end itbecause I had prolonged it for
so long.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
And so I micro ghosted.
Actually she messaged me.
I took my time to respond.
I said I still need some time,I'm not sure.
And then she would give me aweek and she was patient with me
.
She would give me another weekor maybe two weeks, and then I
would kind of give these veryvague responses.
And then finally she got thehint and she said if you want to
(05:44):
end it, just end it.
Just let me know, and at leastgive me a reason why.
And then I unfortunately had tobreak her heart and say I just
don't find you attractive, I'mnot attracted to you.
And that was the last time Iheard from her.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
Okay, wow.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
Yeah, so that's a part of my life that I'm not
exactly proud of.
It's something that I shouldhave done in a different way, in
a more mature and graceful way,but when we talk about the
topic of ghosting, I can'toverlook this incident.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
Actually, that's what this podcast is about.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
We're not here just to give advice and sound like
wise people, because it's veryeasy to say hey, ghosting is bad
, you shouldn't do it, youshould be more mature.
But that's going to be a boringepisode.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
This podcast is based on our personal experiences and
on our professional experiences, so this is as raw as it gets.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
Yeah, for real.
So there's a lot to unpack frommy story.
Why did I ghost?
Um, there was a fear of dealingwith the truth, a fear of
confrontation.
Uh, I was insecure.
I prolonged it longer than Ishould have I should have cut it
off, uh, from the beginning,because if you're not instantly
(07:01):
attracted to someone, then youyou can't expect that to grow
over time, like, yes, a person'spersonality and learning about
their core values and thingslike that, that does develop a
degree of attraction, but at thesame time, a person is what
they are right Like theirfeatures their body like they
can't change who they are, ofcourse, and if you're not
(07:23):
attracted to that, then youcan't expect that to change and
you can't expect yourself tosuddenly develop an attraction
to their physique.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
Like if attraction is going to happen, then maybe
within like a week or two orthree, but not like we're
talking about months, longmonths here, right?
Speaker 2 (07:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
Yeah, so, but what was her reaction?
Speaker 2 (07:43):
by the way, it happened over text text.
Okay, I didn't meet her, ithappened over text.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
And that was the last time I heard from her but when
you told her this over text, didshe reply, or?
Speaker 2 (07:54):
uh, no, she didn't she.
She saw it coming and uh, andthat was it.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
That was the last time I heard from her okay, I
feel for both of you, butespecially for her, because you
should feel for her.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
You should feel for me.
I'm a jerk, I mean I'll say it.
Uh, no, I feel for both of you,but especially for her, because
you should feel for her.
You should feel for me.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
I'm a jerk, I mean I'll say it um no, I feel for
her because I was in her shoes.
I'm gonna talk about my storyin a minute, but I was in her
shoes.
But a question yeah was there alevel of immaturity that you
think you had, or was it justinsecurity?
Speaker 2 (08:22):
it was more insecurity than immaturity.
Like, yeah, hindsight is 20, 20.
I can easily go back and sayyou know, I should have cut it
off in the beginning, I shouldhave, or I should have been more
graceful and thing and told herthat, hey, I don't think this
is going to work, but theproblem was that I just didn't
know how to let her down.
(08:44):
I didn't know how to say that Ijust don't find you attractive.
Okay Right, if there was anyother reason, it would have been
easier for me, but I know howdifficult it is for a girl to
hear criticism like thatAbsolutely.
And so I'm not going to say Itook the high road, I didn't.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Please don't.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
I didn't know how to say it.
I didn't know how to say that Ididn't find her attractive.
I'm sure a lot of guys are, areor were in your same shoes,
like these things happen and so,like I said, it's something
that I should have nipped in thebud in the beginning and um and
I can't change the past andit's something that I have
(09:26):
learned a lot from.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
Yeah, also, some people maybe not you here, but
some people think that justignoring someone is more polite
than rejecting them or lettingthem down, so they think maybe
they're doing the other personlike a favor, sparing their
feelings.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Yeah, maybe you felt this way yes and no, I would say
that, um, it would have beenmore heartbreaking and
detrimental to her had I had mynikah, and then, you know, it
ended in a divorce.
That would have been much worse, of course.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
So yes, to an extent I did choose the lesser of the
more harmful actions I guess, ina way, it doesn't excuse me
from doing what I did also, ifsomeone is talking to multiple
people at the same time andthey're not able to decide and
they're just being indecisive,then they're gonna end up in the
(10:19):
same shoes like how are theygonna reject?
I don't know they're talking tofour girls or she's talking to
four guys at the same time, soit's easier to just go three and
keep one yeah, and then if thatone doesn't work out, then you
go back to yeah, I'm sorry, Ihad a cricket accident.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
I'm here now uh, but yeah, misusing istikhar is also
a big one, so this didn't happento me, but I'm sure it does
happen to people that, uh, theypray istikhara and then they
ghost and think that okay,istikhara is the reason I should
stop talking to you like comeon man that's.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
That's probably arguably even worse than what I
did, because you aremisrepresenting and
misimplementing islam absolutely, we kind of touched on this
last, the last episode aboutistikhara, yeah, but, and then I
received a message from adedicated listener.
She was saying that in herculture, saying like you're
(11:13):
talking to someone and then youtell them I'm going to pray
istikhara, it immediately knowsthat, okay, this is the end of
it.
I'm ending it Like, even likebefore even waiting for the
answer of istikhara, justimmediately blaming it on
istikhara.
That's messed up, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
So let's talk about this through an Islam lens.
Is ghosting a breach of a mana?
Speaker 1 (11:37):
What is a mana?
Speaker 2 (11:38):
A mana is trust, but in the context of what we're
talking about, it's emotionaltrust, yeah, and it's important,
even if you're not married yet,because you are investing in
that person's time.
They are investing in youemotionally and certain
expectations are developing inyou emotionally and, uh, certain
expectations are developing intheir heart, right, not just
(11:58):
with the girl or the guy, butalso with the family it's
definitely a breach of trustbecause while you're talking to
this person and maybeunintentionally, but like you're
leading them on, they are likemissing out on other
opportunities.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
Maybe the girl is getting proposals but she's
saying no because I'm in talkswith this person.
She doesn't know she's going tobe ghosted.
I feel ghosting is more of aguy's thing.
Guys usually are the ghostersand girls are the ghosty I might
have to agree with you on thatyeah it's, uh, because guys are
less emotionally invested thangirls, are right.
(12:32):
And guys are more cruel thangirls.
Usually Like girls would taketheir time.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
I don't want to make a generalization.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Not cruel, but okay, sorry, the word is sensitive.
Girls are more sensitive thangirls Come on.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
We see it in the way we reply to emails, right?
Yeah, I agree with you there.
Yeah, girls are more sensitivethan guys, but talking about it
through an Islamic lens, yes, itis a breach of iman and, more
importantly, it's not theexample that was set by our
Prophet.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
Of course, alayhi salam.
He was always clear in hisspeech and he wouldn't lead
someone on.
He wouldn't.
Yeah, and you know what justoccurred to me?
Some people don't know how tosay no.
So maybe they're not attractedto the other person, maybe they
spot incompatibility, but theydon't know how to say no and
they keep their relationshipgoing until they reach a point
(13:24):
like maybe in your case, likeout of insecurity, they reach a
certain point where things nowneed to get serious, families
need to get involved, and thenthey realize like they are in
this flight or fright fight orflight fight or flight exactly.
So that's another thing.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
We need to learn how to say no in a respectful,
sensitive way, of course yeah,if I was to go back, I think I
would have not used the I'm notattractive card, uh, or I'm not
attracted to you card, butrather just simply put on
incompatibility, although itstill wouldn't make sense
because we had been talking forso long and yes, yeah, I'm sure
(14:06):
you would have found a way,whatever way, but we're human
about that like, if I could goback, how would I have ended it
after so long?
Speaker 1 (14:17):
what would have been the right way to end it.
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
Let me ask you, as a girl you've been talking to a
guy for, let's say, six monthsokay and things are going great.
You've met the family.
Uh, he's met the family and youwant to take the next step and,
um, and you're getting the hintthat he is kind of
micro-ghosting you and he'strying to end it.
What would be the right way toend it after so long?
Speaker 1 (14:45):
If it's because of lack of attraction.
Speaker 2 (14:47):
Yeah, that's a good question.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
I think no girl likes to hear that the person is.
So what would be?
I think if you said lack ofincompatibility, or if it was my
case and the guy said lack ofcompatibility, then I would get
the hint Especially, like yousaid, things are going great and
you're compatible andeverything, I would get the hint
that, no, he's just trying tospare my feelings.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
But then I feel like that would also put you more in
a state of confusion, like whatdo you mean?
We're incompatible.
We've been talking for so long,our conversations are flowing
right, we have the sameinterests.
This doesn't make sense.
And now, on top of that, youwant closure.
But I'm not giving you closureright I?
Speaker 1 (15:31):
I don't know what's the right answer.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
It's a tough thing to be in and the easy thing is to
just nip this in the beginning,nip it in the bud.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
Yes in the beginning.
If you're not attracted, you'renot attracted.
Ladies, if you're listening,let us know what is the right
way to let a girl down becauseof lack of attraction.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
I would like to know yeah.
Yeah, I would like to know,yeah, hey, if you have a story
to tell, we'd love to have youon here.
You'll find a safe space oflisteners who can understand
what you're going through.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
So you were on the other side.
You were a ghostie correct yeah.
And what was that experiencelike?
Speaker 1 (16:15):
It sucked.
Of course, it's a very uglyfeeling because it leaves you
with so many questions, like westarted this episode what did I
do?
What did I say?
Like, what suddenly changed?
You don't have answers, you'releft to yourself to come up with
the scenario.
So in my case, before westarted talking, I was in
(16:40):
communication with this guy onHOD and we spoke for like two
weeks or so.
Things were going great.
I told my parents about him.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
And he was a brown guy, by the way.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
Yeah, I have a thing for brown guys.
Yeah, things were going great,honestly, conversations were
flowing, we were so compatibleand then, slowly, like suddenly,
the communication startedslowing down.
I would send a message and noresponse for, I don't know, a
day or two.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Was he in India?
Speaker 1 (17:14):
No, he was in the States oh okay.
And I suggested more than onceactually getting on a video call
, just because videos likesolidifies things right.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Right.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Yeah, and he kept pushing it, every time coming up
with an excuse.
So I'm like, okay, no problem,maybe it's a time difference,
maybe whatever.
And then, yeah, like I wouldsend messages, he would take his
sweet time to reply, dayssometimes.
And then I kind of I don't know.
I don't remember exactly whathappened.
Maybe I sent him a messagehinting that I'm ending this, I
(17:49):
deserve better.
And then he immediately calledme and tried to make me to take
him back Coming up withdifferent To convince me, Coming
up with different excuses.
I had a cricket accident that'swhy I said cricket accident
before I was so busy at work.
My mom was.
I don't know, my mom is givingme a hard time.
She wants an Indian girl orsomething.
(18:11):
I'm trying to convince my momwhatever and I'm like, okay,
sounds sincere.
We went back from where we leftoff and then a week or two
weeks later I can't rememberexactly Same thing Started
fading.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
Microghosting.
Microghosting.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
And I'm like that's it for me.
I'm not going to go throughthis again, so I sent a message.
I ended it.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
Two strikes, you're out.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Come on Like, yeah, and I think one time he went
like he disappeared for six,seven days and you know I'm the
kind of person that the worststarts going in my head.
God forbid, maybe he had anaccident and it turns out he's
just.
I don't know where he is.
Speaker 2 (18:52):
He's just chilling, chilling.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
So I ended it right then and there I deserve better
and I will find what I deserveand I did.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
Oh, so what did you take from that?
Speaker 1 (19:07):
I took from that that some guys are jerks.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Some guys lack maturity, lack sensitivity,
security.
It sucked for a little bit.
Honestly, I thought it's goingto suck for a long time, I'm
going to be depressed orsomething, but no, alhamdulillah
, I was very quickly able tojust move on and just realize
it's not about me, it's abouthim, completely about him.
So I ended up honestly feelingbad for him really yes, because
(19:35):
I know he missed out onsomething good.
I'm not, I'm not boasting, I'mnot being full of myself, but we
were compatible and then what?
a few weeks later, you messagedme right, uh, yeah, I can't
remember how long after.
You know, I joined hod in July2019.
Speaker 2 (19:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
And we started talking mid-November.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
Oh, early November.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
November 11th actually, I still remember.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
Yeah, see Early November.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
Yeah, so somewhere in between.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
Okay, wow, it's amazing how we plan and Allah
plans, and Allah is the best ofplanners, right.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Yeah, subhanallah.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Yeah, so yeah, there are obviously better ways to end
things.
And, um, the most importantthing is that you we've
mentioned this before, we'll sayit again is that you should be
taking the time to assesscompatibility in the beginning,
right, even though I do feelhypocritical saying all this and
giving advice.
But, um, and we've sent this inprevious episodes that if you
(20:33):
are coming with the uh, with theunderstanding and the mindset
that this person that I'mtalking is for the purpose of
marriage, and you're comingready with the right questions
and you're coming with the levelof sincerity, there is no
reason for any courting phase togo on more than six months, or
even, I would argue, threemonths you can't put a number on
(20:54):
it.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
It's different from a case to a case.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
I guess.
But come on six months toreally see if somebody is
compatible for the purpose ofmarriage.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
I do think it's a lot , but that's that seems like a
long time.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
I don't.
I don't think you need thatmuch time, I think.
I mean, I don't want to use ourexample as a, as a template
that everybody should be using,but we knew within three weeks
three, four weeks tops that wewant to move ahead with our
nikah but we had plenty of freetime on our hands.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
We were able to talk for hours every day.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
Some people don't have that luxury where, if you
are dedicated, you will maketime.
Remember what I always tell youwhether it's the gym, whether
it's a detox diet, whatever itis, if it's important enough to
you, what will you do?
Speaker 1 (21:41):
you'll make time.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
You'll make time for it you'll carve out time out of
your day for it okay and we felta strong spark, and so we made
time.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
You were doing your graduate degree at the time and
there was a seven hourdifference, and there was a
seven-hour difference, and therewas a seven-hour difference.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
I was working.
Yes, I do remember I wasworking.
I just landed my first job, sowe had commitments and it wasn't
.
And I was actually, oh yeah,and I was also studying too.
I was doing my Montessoriteacher certification at the
time, so we had a lot of thingson our plate, yeah, yeah, but I
(22:19):
have to realize people havedifferent circumstances.
So nonetheless, nonetheless, Iwould say, if I was to give it a
, number, I would say threemonths tops okay, sounds
reasonable, and by then youshould be able to at least be
discussing an engagement,bakpaki, possible marriage,
whatever it might be.
And if it's taking more thanthree months, then maybe there's
some insecurities on either endmaybe one person isn't serious.
There's.
There's something lurking inthe background.
(22:41):
If you're overwhelmed andburdened and just don't know
where to seek help, let us helpyou.
We can be your personalmakers.
Visit us at halalmatchca andbook a free call with us.
Is there a right way to endthings instead of ghosting
someone?
Speaker 1 (22:59):
Yes, of course.
Please explain, oh wise one,being direct, respectful,
sensitive.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
Now we're talking about ideal situations here.
No, no, it's not ideal In aperfect world.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
Yes, no, it's not ideal In a perfect world.
Yes, no, it's not ideal.
It's not a perfect world.
Being direct and sensitive andrespectful, that's a bare
minimum.
So let's say you're talking.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
So let's put it in the context of us.
We've been talking for, let'ssay, six months.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
And you came across some red flag and, based on that
, you feel a strong sense ofincompatibility.
Maybe you saw some misogynisticcomments on social media or
something hypotheticallyspeaking.
And you feel very strongly thatyou can't move forward with me.
How will you end it?
Speaker 1 (23:47):
I first would address it.
I wouldn't end it just based ona post ISO because, maybe it
was taken out of context maybelet's say it's clear-cut
misogynism.
Clear-cut, no doubt so I wouldstill give him a chance to
explain himself okay, fairenough and if, after explaining
himself, I'm still not satisfied, then I would give it a day,
(24:08):
think about it and reply to himwith a message or a call.
It was really nice getting toknow you.
I feel we are incompatible andI wish you the best of luck this
is not ideal.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
I'm not talking about idealism now the problem is
that there are certainsituations that make it easy.
If someone is beingmisogynistic, sexist, if a girl
is being very ego-centered,she's dabbling into those
extreme feminist thoughts andattitudes.
Those are easy excuses, right,but in my, my situation, for
(24:43):
example, where there was just nophysical attraction, in those
situations it's obviouslythere's no ideal, perfect way to
end it yeah, that's different,uh, but still, it would still be
better than ghosting the persontrue, true, nobody should,
should be ghosted.
To kind of summarize everythingthat we've shared, the most
(25:03):
important thing is that ghostingis not a measure of your worth.
It's like what is it georgesaid in in ainfeld episode once,
it's not you, it's me.
I mean, I feel like a lot ofpeople have used this in
different shows oh yeah, everymovie.
It's not about you it's me.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
So in this case, exactly this applies.
The ghosting it's not about you, it's about the other person,
their lack of security, theirimmaturity, their, whatever it
is.
It's not about you.
Maturity, their, whatever it is, it's not about you.
So don't take it too hard.
I mean it sucks.
It does suck.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
And take it as a blessing that you know one door
closes, inshallah, another doorwill open and maybe Allah will
bless you with someone better.
And it simply wasn't meant tobe.
Speaker 1 (25:44):
There is a barakah in doing the right thing, like,
instead of slamming the door,you just close it gently and,
like you said, the barakah willcome from that.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
And also to add to that, don't let resentment seep
into your heart and allow thatto carry over to the next person
you're speaking to, right, andthen also allow that experience
to form generalizations in yourmind, thinking that all guys are
like this or all girls are likethis, and this next person is
probably just going to ghost meor going to do the same thing to
me.
Just it's one bad experience,or maybe a few bad experiences,
(26:20):
depending on how many timesyou've got, you've been ghosted,
and just know that there, thatthere still are genuine
good-hearted people out there-this is something that the
ghoster also should think about.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
Like when you ghost someone, you are making them
lose faith in marriage and theother gender and, uh, they're
gonna take this with them intotheir next relationship.
So that's true ihsan.
Ihsan is excellence.
We should have ihsan ineverything, whether in starting
relationships or endingrelationships.
Speaker 2 (26:50):
So have you guys been ghosted before?
I'm sure somebody has beenghosted on an app, on a
matrimonial website or maybeover text.
Everybody's got at least oneghost experience, right, so we'd
love to hear somebody's story.
We love hearing stories andjust reading them, so feel free.
(27:11):
How can people share theirstories?
Speaker 1 (27:13):
so go to the single muslim hotline it's.
You'll find the link in thedescription of the episode.
Uh, leave us a voicemail, wewill feature it.
Inshallah, next episode anddiscuss it all, right until next
time.
You meet someone, things are good, you're texting,
maybe had a meeting or two,then nothing, silence.
They disappear like the lastslice of cake at a wedding.
Is it something I said,something I wore?
Did their mom find a bettercandidate overnight?
(00:22):
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
And I'm Zaid, you're listeningto Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
So let's dive in.
Bismillah, assalamu alaikumeveryone, welcome to another
episode.
My name is Zaid and on theother mic is my wife and co-host
Hiba.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
As-salamu alaykum.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Ghosting, I'm sure, is a word everybody has heard of
by now.
It's a phenomenon most peopleare familiar with.
We have both experienced it insome way, and we'll get into
those stories in a little bit,and before we do, we just want
to mention that through thisepisode, our intention is not to
(01:11):
bash ghosters, but rather comeat this with the perspective of
understanding why people do it,what lessons we can learn from
it, how we can grow from it andother things we can take away
from ghosting.
So let's start with the termitself.
What is ghosting, hiba?
Speaker 1 (01:25):
It's cutting off communication with someone
you're in talks to, of coursefor the purpose of marriage.
With no explanation, they justdisappear.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
Or another term, micro-ghosting.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Yes, or breadcrumbing .
I think this one is also thesame one as breadcrumbing when
somebody fades away slowly, theytake longer to reply to your
messages, they don't returnphone calls and it just like
it's gradual, gradual ghostingokay, I'm not sure if that's
still breadcrumbing.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
I might have to look into breadcrumbing okay, so many
gen z terms.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
I feel so old right now yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
So why do people do?
It is the big question.
Why do people suddenly cut offcommunication and, as we were
preparing for this episode, itreminded me of something that I
was not very proud of, which wasghosting somebody prior to us
getting married.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
So you were the ghoster, not the ghosty, Exactly
Actually.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
I have been both, but actually I've been both the
ghoster and the ghosty okay uh,but let's start off with me
being the ghoster first.
So, prior to meeting you, I wasspeaking to a girl, uh, with the
hopes of getting married.
And, um, this girl,alhamdulillah, she checked all
my boxes, like she wassupportive of the arts, she was
(02:44):
into yoga, really down to earth.
Our conversations would flow.
Um, it was a great match, uh,but there was just one problem I
was not physically attracted toher, for whatever reason.
And, uh, I had hit a point inmy life where I was desperate to
get married.
I wasn't having luck and I wasgetting sick of the usual
(03:06):
rejections, which were, you know, rejections based on my lack of
advanced degree, my lack ofhigh income, my lack of
immigration stability, I mean,the list goes on and on and on
right.
And I just thought, I just Ijust wanted to get married.
And so, finally, when this girlcame along, and I thought, okay
(03:30):
, I'm going to hang on to thisas best and for as long as I can
, and of course it was out of myown insecurity, it was out of
my own lack of self-confidence.
So we talked for an extendedperiod of time and we met each
other's families I met herfamily, she met my family and we
(03:53):
got to a point where the nextstep was having our nikah done.
And it was at that point whereI realized Nikah or baat pakki.
Baat pakki slash nikah, likethis serious step had to be
taken.
Okay, um, batpaki was kind ofalready done, like it usually
happens after both families meetand they're on the same page
(04:15):
about moving forward.
So the next step was having ournikah done, or at least having
a serious conversation aboutthat, and it was at that point I
realized that I have to end it,because I knew deep down that
if I did move forward it wouldend in a divorce because, like I
said, I was not attracted toher and I was just hanging on to
(04:38):
this because I had nothing elseso in your mind you knew that
you're just prolonging this eventhough it's not going to lead
to marriage.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Or you thought, maybe with time you're going to feel
attraction towards her.
That too.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
I thought maybe in time I would develop an
attraction to her.
It didn't happen.
We were talking for a long timeand that attraction just didn't
come, and I couldn't force it.
Every time I saw her picture Ijust thought you know, I just
have to be patient with myself.
I had just have to give it time.
And finally, when that momentcame where we had to take the
(05:13):
serious leap, I thought it'seither now or never, and I
didn't know how to end itbecause I had prolonged it for
so long.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
And so I micro ghosted.
Actually she messaged me.
I took my time to respond.
I said I still need some time,I'm not sure.
And then she would give me aweek and she was patient with me
.
She would give me another weekor maybe two weeks, and then I
would kind of give these veryvague responses.
And then finally she got thehint and she said if you want to
(05:44):
end it, just end it.
Just let me know, and at leastgive me a reason why.
And then I unfortunately had tobreak her heart and say I just
don't find you attractive, I'mnot attracted to you.
And that was the last time Iheard from her.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
Okay, wow.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
Yeah, so that's a part of my life that I'm not
exactly proud of.
It's something that I shouldhave done in a different way, in
a more mature and graceful way,but when we talk about the
topic of ghosting, I can'toverlook this incident.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
Actually, that's what this podcast is about.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
We're not here just to give advice and sound like
wise people, because it's veryeasy to say hey, ghosting is bad
, you shouldn't do it, youshould be more mature.
But that's going to be a boringepisode.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
This podcast is based on our personal experiences and
on our professional experiences, so this is as raw as it gets.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
Yeah, for real.
So there's a lot to unpack frommy story.
Why did I ghost?
Um, there was a fear of dealingwith the truth, a fear of
confrontation.
Uh, I was insecure.
I prolonged it longer than Ishould have I should have cut it
off, uh, from the beginning,because if you're not instantly
(07:01):
attracted to someone, then youyou can't expect that to grow
over time, like, yes, a person'spersonality and learning about
their core values and thingslike that, that does develop a
degree of attraction, but at thesame time, a person is what
they are right Like theirfeatures their body like they
can't change who they are, ofcourse, and if you're not
(07:23):
attracted to that, then youcan't expect that to change and
you can't expect yourself tosuddenly develop an attraction
to their physique.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
Like if attraction is going to happen, then maybe
within like a week or two orthree, but not like we're
talking about months, longmonths here, right?
Speaker 2 (07:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
Yeah, so, but what was her reaction?
Speaker 2 (07:43):
by the way, it happened over text text.
Okay, I didn't meet her, ithappened over text.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
And that was the last time I heard from her but when
you told her this over text, didshe reply, or?
Speaker 2 (07:54):
uh, no, she didn't she.
She saw it coming and uh, andthat was it.
Speaker 1 (07:58):
That was the last time I heard from her okay, I
feel for both of you, butespecially for her, because you
should feel for her.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
You should feel for me.
I'm a jerk, I mean I'll say it.
Uh, no, I feel for both of you,but especially for her, because
you should feel for her.
You should feel for me.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
I'm a jerk, I mean I'll say it um no, I feel for
her because I was in her shoes.
I'm gonna talk about my storyin a minute, but I was in her
shoes.
But a question yeah was there alevel of immaturity that you
think you had, or was it justinsecurity?
Speaker 2 (08:22):
it was more insecurity than immaturity.
Like, yeah, hindsight is 20, 20.
I can easily go back and sayyou know, I should have cut it
off in the beginning, I shouldhave, or I should have been more
graceful and thing and told herthat, hey, I don't think this
is going to work, but theproblem was that I just didn't
know how to let her down.
(08:44):
I didn't know how to say that Ijust don't find you attractive.
Okay Right, if there was anyother reason, it would have been
easier for me, but I know howdifficult it is for a girl to
hear criticism like thatAbsolutely.
And so I'm not going to say Itook the high road, I didn't.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Please don't.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
I didn't know how to say it.
I didn't know how to say that Ididn't find her attractive.
I'm sure a lot of guys are, areor were in your same shoes,
like these things happen and so,like I said, it's something
that I should have nipped in thebud in the beginning and um and
I can't change the past andit's something that I have
(09:26):
learned a lot from.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
Yeah, also, some people maybe not you here, but
some people think that justignoring someone is more polite
than rejecting them or lettingthem down, so they think maybe
they're doing the other personlike a favor, sparing their
feelings.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Yeah, maybe you felt this way yes and no, I would say
that, um, it would have beenmore heartbreaking and
detrimental to her had I had mynikah, and then, you know, it
ended in a divorce.
That would have been much worse, of course.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
So yes, to an extent I did choose the lesser of the
more harmful actions I guess, ina way, it doesn't excuse me
from doing what I did also, ifsomeone is talking to multiple
people at the same time andthey're not able to decide and
they're just being indecisive,then they're gonna end up in the
(10:19):
same shoes like how are theygonna reject?
I don't know they're talking tofour girls or she's talking to
four guys at the same time, soit's easier to just go three and
keep one yeah, and then if thatone doesn't work out, then you
go back to yeah, I'm sorry, Ihad a cricket accident.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
I'm here now uh, but yeah, misusing istikhar is also
a big one, so this didn't happento me, but I'm sure it does
happen to people that, uh, theypray istikhara and then they
ghost and think that okay,istikhara is the reason I should
stop talking to you like comeon man that's.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
That's probably arguably even worse than what I
did, because you aremisrepresenting and
misimplementing islam absolutely, we kind of touched on this
last, the last episode aboutistikhara, yeah, but, and then I
received a message from adedicated listener.
She was saying that in herculture, saying like you're
(11:13):
talking to someone and then youtell them I'm going to pray
istikhara, it immediately knowsthat, okay, this is the end of
it.
I'm ending it Like, even likebefore even waiting for the
answer of istikhara, justimmediately blaming it on
istikhara.
That's messed up, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
So let's talk about this through an Islam lens.
Is ghosting a breach of a mana?
Speaker 1 (11:37):
What is a mana?
Speaker 2 (11:38):
A mana is trust, but in the context of what we're
talking about, it's emotionaltrust, yeah, and it's important,
even if you're not married yet,because you are investing in
that person's time.
They are investing in youemotionally and certain
expectations are developing inyou emotionally and, uh, certain
expectations are developing intheir heart, right, not just
(11:58):
with the girl or the guy, butalso with the family it's
definitely a breach of trustbecause while you're talking to
this person and maybeunintentionally, but like you're
leading them on, they are likemissing out on other
opportunities.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
Maybe the girl is getting proposals but she's
saying no because I'm in talkswith this person.
She doesn't know she's going tobe ghosted.
I feel ghosting is more of aguy's thing.
Guys usually are the ghostersand girls are the ghosty I might
have to agree with you on thatyeah it's, uh, because guys are
less emotionally invested thangirls, are right.
(12:32):
And guys are more cruel thangirls.
Usually Like girls would taketheir time.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
I don't want to make a generalization.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
Not cruel, but okay, sorry, the word is sensitive.
Girls are more sensitive thangirls Come on.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
We see it in the way we reply to emails, right?
Yeah, I agree with you there.
Yeah, girls are more sensitivethan guys, but talking about it
through an Islamic lens, yes, itis a breach of iman and, more
importantly, it's not theexample that was set by our
Prophet.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
Of course, alayhi salam.
He was always clear in hisspeech and he wouldn't lead
someone on.
He wouldn't.
Yeah, and you know what justoccurred to me?
Some people don't know how tosay no.
So maybe they're not attractedto the other person, maybe they
spot incompatibility, but theydon't know how to say no and
they keep their relationshipgoing until they reach a point
(13:24):
like maybe in your case, likeout of insecurity, they reach a
certain point where things nowneed to get serious, families
need to get involved, and thenthey realize like they are in
this flight or fright fight orflight fight or flight exactly.
So that's another thing.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
We need to learn how to say no in a respectful,
sensitive way, of course yeah,if I was to go back, I think I
would have not used the I'm notattractive card, uh, or I'm not
attracted to you card, butrather just simply put on
incompatibility, although itstill wouldn't make sense
because we had been talking forso long and yes, yeah, I'm sure
(14:06):
you would have found a way,whatever way, but we're human
about that like, if I could goback, how would I have ended it
after so long?
Speaker 1 (14:17):
what would have been the right way to end it.
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
Let me ask you, as a girl you've been talking to a
guy for, let's say, six monthsokay and things are going great.
You've met the family.
Uh, he's met the family and youwant to take the next step and,
um, and you're getting the hintthat he is kind of
micro-ghosting you and he'strying to end it.
What would be the right way toend it after so long?
Speaker 1 (14:45):
If it's because of lack of attraction.
Speaker 2 (14:47):
Yeah, that's a good question.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
I think no girl likes to hear that the person is.
So what would be?
I think if you said lack ofincompatibility, or if it was my
case and the guy said lack ofcompatibility, then I would get
the hint Especially, like yousaid, things are going great and
you're compatible andeverything, I would get the hint
that, no, he's just trying tospare my feelings.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
But then I feel like that would also put you more in
a state of confusion, like whatdo you mean?
We're incompatible.
We've been talking for so long,our conversations are flowing
right, we have the sameinterests.
This doesn't make sense.
And now, on top of that, youwant closure.
But I'm not giving you closureright I?
Speaker 1 (15:31):
I don't know what's the right answer.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
It's a tough thing to be in and the easy thing is to
just nip this in the beginning,nip it in the bud.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
Yes in the beginning.
If you're not attracted, you'renot attracted.
Ladies, if you're listening,let us know what is the right
way to let a girl down becauseof lack of attraction.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
I would like to know yeah.
Yeah, I would like to know,yeah, hey, if you have a story
to tell, we'd love to have youon here.
You'll find a safe space oflisteners who can understand
what you're going through.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
So you were on the other side.
You were a ghostie correct yeah.
And what was that experiencelike?
Speaker 1 (16:15):
It sucked.
Of course, it's a very uglyfeeling because it leaves you
with so many questions, like westarted this episode what did I
do?
What did I say?
Like, what suddenly changed?
You don't have answers, you'releft to yourself to come up with
the scenario.
So in my case, before westarted talking, I was in
(16:40):
communication with this guy onHOD and we spoke for like two
weeks or so.
Things were going great.
I told my parents about him.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
And he was a brown guy, by the way.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
Yeah, I have a thing for brown guys.
Yeah, things were going great,honestly, conversations were
flowing, we were so compatibleand then, slowly, like suddenly,
the communication startedslowing down.
I would send a message and noresponse for, I don't know, a
day or two.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Was he in India?
Speaker 1 (17:14):
No, he was in the States oh okay.
And I suggested more than onceactually getting on a video call
, just because videos likesolidifies things right.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Right.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Yeah, and he kept pushing it, every time coming up
with an excuse.
So I'm like, okay, no problem,maybe it's a time difference,
maybe whatever.
And then, yeah, like I wouldsend messages, he would take his
sweet time to reply, dayssometimes.
And then I kind of I don't know.
I don't remember exactly whathappened.
Maybe I sent him a messagehinting that I'm ending this, I
(17:49):
deserve better.
And then he immediately calledme and tried to make me to take
him back Coming up withdifferent To convince me, Coming
up with different excuses.
I had a cricket accident that'swhy I said cricket accident
before I was so busy at work.
My mom was.
I don't know, my mom is givingme a hard time.
She wants an Indian girl orsomething.
(18:11):
I'm trying to convince my momwhatever and I'm like, okay,
sounds sincere.
We went back from where we leftoff and then a week or two
weeks later I can't rememberexactly Same thing Started
fading.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
Microghosting.
Microghosting.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
And I'm like that's it for me.
I'm not going to go throughthis again, so I sent a message.
I ended it.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
Two strikes, you're out.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Come on Like, yeah, and I think one time he went
like he disappeared for six,seven days and you know I'm the
kind of person that the worststarts going in my head.
God forbid, maybe he had anaccident and it turns out he's
just.
I don't know where he is.
Speaker 2 (18:52):
He's just chilling, chilling.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
So I ended it right then and there I deserve better
and I will find what I deserveand I did.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
Oh, so what did you take from that?
Speaker 1 (19:07):
I took from that that some guys are jerks.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Some guys lack maturity, lack sensitivity,
security.
It sucked for a little bit.
Honestly, I thought it's goingto suck for a long time, I'm
going to be depressed orsomething, but no, alhamdulillah
, I was very quickly able tojust move on and just realize
it's not about me, it's abouthim, completely about him.
So I ended up honestly feelingbad for him really yes, because
(19:35):
I know he missed out onsomething good.
I'm not, I'm not boasting, I'mnot being full of myself, but we
were compatible and then what?
a few weeks later, you messagedme right, uh, yeah, I can't
remember how long after.
You know, I joined hod in July2019.
Speaker 2 (19:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
And we started talking mid-November.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
Oh, early November.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
November 11th actually, I still remember.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
Yeah, see Early November.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
Yeah, so somewhere in between.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
Okay, wow, it's amazing how we plan and Allah
plans, and Allah is the best ofplanners, right.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Yeah, subhanallah.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Yeah, so yeah, there are obviously better ways to end
things.
And, um, the most importantthing is that you we've
mentioned this before, we'll sayit again is that you should be
taking the time to assesscompatibility in the beginning,
right, even though I do feelhypocritical saying all this and
giving advice.
But, um, and we've sent this inprevious episodes that if you
(20:33):
are coming with the uh, with theunderstanding and the mindset
that this person that I'mtalking is for the purpose of
marriage, and you're comingready with the right questions
and you're coming with the levelof sincerity, there is no
reason for any courting phase togo on more than six months, or
even, I would argue, threemonths you can't put a number on
(20:54):
it.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
It's different from a case to a case.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
I guess.
But come on six months toreally see if somebody is
compatible for the purpose ofmarriage.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
I do think it's a lot , but that's that seems like a
long time.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
I don't.
I don't think you need thatmuch time, I think.
I mean, I don't want to use ourexample as a, as a template
that everybody should be using,but we knew within three weeks
three, four weeks tops that wewant to move ahead with our
nikah but we had plenty of freetime on our hands.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
We were able to talk for hours every day.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
Some people don't have that luxury where, if you
are dedicated, you will maketime.
Remember what I always tell youwhether it's the gym, whether
it's a detox diet, whatever itis, if it's important enough to
you, what will you do?
Speaker 1 (21:41):
you'll make time.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
You'll make time for it you'll carve out time out of
your day for it okay and we felta strong spark, and so we made
time.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
You were doing your graduate degree at the time and
there was a seven hourdifference, and there was a
seven-hour difference, and therewas a seven-hour difference.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
I was working.
Yes, I do remember I wasworking.
I just landed my first job, sowe had commitments and it wasn't
.
And I was actually, oh yeah,and I was also studying too.
I was doing my Montessoriteacher certification at the
time, so we had a lot of thingson our plate, yeah, yeah, but I
(22:19):
have to realize people havedifferent circumstances.
So nonetheless, nonetheless, Iwould say, if I was to give it a
, number, I would say threemonths tops okay, sounds
reasonable, and by then youshould be able to at least be
discussing an engagement,bakpaki, possible marriage,
whatever it might be.
And if it's taking more thanthree months, then maybe there's
some insecurities on either endmaybe one person isn't serious.
There's.
There's something lurking inthe background.
(22:41):
If you're overwhelmed andburdened and just don't know
where to seek help, let us helpyou.
We can be your personalmakers.
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Is there a right way to endthings instead of ghosting
someone?
Speaker 1 (22:59):
Yes, of course.
Please explain, oh wise one,being direct, respectful,
sensitive.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
Now we're talking about ideal situations here.
No, no, it's not ideal In aperfect world.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
Yes, no, it's not ideal In a perfect world.
Yes, no, it's not ideal.
It's not a perfect world.
Being direct and sensitive andrespectful, that's a bare
minimum.
So let's say you're talking.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
So let's put it in the context of us.
We've been talking for, let'ssay, six months.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
And you came across some red flag and, based on that
, you feel a strong sense ofincompatibility.
Maybe you saw some misogynisticcomments on social media or
something hypotheticallyspeaking.
And you feel very strongly thatyou can't move forward with me.
How will you end it?
Speaker 1 (23:47):
I first would address it.
I wouldn't end it just based ona post ISO because, maybe it
was taken out of context maybelet's say it's clear-cut
misogynism.
Clear-cut, no doubt so I wouldstill give him a chance to
explain himself okay, fairenough and if, after explaining
himself, I'm still not satisfied, then I would give it a day,
(24:08):
think about it and reply to himwith a message or a call.
It was really nice getting toknow you.
I feel we are incompatible andI wish you the best of luck this
is not ideal.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
I'm not talking about idealism now the problem is
that there are certainsituations that make it easy.
If someone is beingmisogynistic, sexist, if a girl
is being very ego-centered,she's dabbling into those
extreme feminist thoughts andattitudes.
Those are easy excuses, right,but in my, my situation, for
(24:43):
example, where there was just nophysical attraction, in those
situations it's obviouslythere's no ideal, perfect way to
end it yeah, that's different,uh, but still, it would still be
better than ghosting the persontrue, true, nobody should,
should be ghosted.
To kind of summarize everythingthat we've shared, the most
(25:03):
important thing is that ghostingis not a measure of your worth.
It's like what is it georgesaid in in ainfeld episode once,
it's not you, it's me.
I mean, I feel like a lot ofpeople have used this in
different shows oh yeah, everymovie.
It's not about you it's me.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
So in this case, exactly this applies.
The ghosting it's not about you, it's about the other person,
their lack of security, theirimmaturity, their, whatever it
is.
It's not about you.
Maturity, their, whatever it is, it's not about you.
So don't take it too hard.
I mean it sucks.
It does suck.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
And take it as a blessing that you know one door
closes, inshallah, another doorwill open and maybe Allah will
bless you with someone better.
And it simply wasn't meant tobe.
Speaker 1 (25:44):
There is a barakah in doing the right thing, like,
instead of slamming the door,you just close it gently and,
like you said, the barakah willcome from that.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
And also to add to that, don't let resentment seep
into your heart and allow thatto carry over to the next person
you're speaking to, right, andthen also allow that experience
to form generalizations in yourmind, thinking that all guys are
like this or all girls are likethis, and this next person is
probably just going to ghost meor going to do the same thing to
me.
Just it's one bad experience,or maybe a few bad experiences,
(26:20):
depending on how many timesyou've got, you've been ghosted,
and just know that there, thatthere still are genuine
good-hearted people out there-this is something that the
ghoster also should think about.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
Like when you ghost someone, you are making them
lose faith in marriage and theother gender and, uh, they're
gonna take this with them intotheir next relationship.
So that's true ihsan.
Ihsan is excellence.
We should have ihsan ineverything, whether in starting
relationships or endingrelationships.
Speaker 2 (26:50):
So have you guys been ghosted before?
I'm sure somebody has beenghosted on an app, on a
matrimonial website or maybeover text.
Everybody's got at least oneghost experience, right, so we'd
love to hear somebody's story.
We love hearing stories andjust reading them, so feel free.
(27:11):
How can people share theirstories?
Speaker 1 (27:13):
so go to the single muslim hotline it's.
You'll find the link in thedescription of the episode.
Uh, leave us a voicemail, wewill feature it.
Inshallah, next episode anddiscuss it all, right until next
time.
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