September 26, 2025 • 44 mins
“Should I tell them about my past?” It’s the question that makes every single Muslim pause. And let’s be real, our communities don’t make it easier. Men often get a pass, while women get judged twice as hard for the same mistakes.
In this episode, we confront the myths and double standards around sharing your past in marriage conversations. What must be disclosed, and what belongs between you and Allah? And how do you talk about sensitive topics without trauma dumping or oversharing? If you’ve ever feared your past would ruin your future, this episode flips the script and puts the focus back where it belongs: who you are today.
If something we said made you think, laugh, or feel seen, leave us a rating and review! It helps more people find the show. And hey, if you know someone who needs to hear this episode, send it their way. Sharing is caring!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
You've met someone for marriage.
Things look promising, but inthe back of your mind you're
thinking, should I tell themabout that mistake?
What if they ask me directly?
What if they expect something Ican't give them?
Like virginity?
Should I stay silent and pray itdoesn't come up?
Or be upfront and risk losingthem.
(00:22):
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
SPEAKER_01 (00:24):
And I'm Zayd.
SPEAKER_00 (00:25):
You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
SPEAKER_01 (00:27):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
SPEAKER_00 (00:31):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
SPEAKER_01 (00:34):
So let's dive in.
Bismillah.
Assalamu alaikum, everyone.
Welcome back to another episode.
SPEAKER_00 (00:42):
Yeah, salam alaikum.
We're diving into a hot topictoday.
SPEAKER_01 (00:46):
Yes, it is definitely a hot topic.
It is something that uh doesn'tusually come up on discovery
calls, but I'd say it's alwayslurking in the back of people's
minds.
Sometimes it comes up inconversations too.
Um, it's like the elephant inthe room.
Yeah.
But honestly, like one of thethings I respect about you
during our courting phase isthat you never ask me about my
(01:10):
past or if I had a bad past orif there were some ugly things
in my past.
SPEAKER_00 (01:16):
And well, d Ditto, you also didn't ask me.
SPEAKER_01 (01:19):
Well, that's true, that's true.
And um I think guys usually arethinking more about this than
girls, right?
Because let's be honest, it'susually the virginity thing,
right?
Guys always want to know is shea virgin, is she not?
Is she sleeping around, youknow, blah blah blah.
And so of course, guys want tomarry somebody who's a virgin.
SPEAKER_00 (01:44):
And you know what's the funny thing?
Yeah.
So when uh when a woman commitsuh zina, like um may Allah
forgive us all, when a womancommits zina, she's not
committing committing it byherself, she's committing it
with a man, right?
Yeah, so there's another part tothe equation.
Like for each woman whocommitted zina, there's a man
who committed zina.
So why is it that men areusually suspicious but not
(02:07):
women?
SPEAKER_01 (02:08):
I don't know, that's just kind of a subconscious
thing.
SPEAKER_00 (02:11):
It's not it it's more of a hypocritical thing,
it's a double standard thing.
We'll we'll dive a little bitmore into that later in the
episode, inshallah.
SPEAKER_01 (02:18):
So of course, virginity is just one part of
this broad uh subject.
And the subject obviously beinghow much to share before
marriage.
You know, there's so many, Imean, we could talk about
addictions, we can talk about,you know, um what do you call
diseases, STDs, promiscuitypromiscuity, right?
Is that the right word?
SPEAKER_00 (02:39):
Oh you tell me you're the promiscuous sex.
Um like uh family, like familydynamics, specific family family
dynamics, trauma, trauma, mentalhealth issues.
SPEAKER_01 (02:51):
Yeah, there's so many things that that, yeah.
And so the question is shouldwhat is required to be shared
and what is not?
SPEAKER_00 (03:00):
And how much to share and how to share.
Yeah.
And yeah, it's inshaAllah, let'sdive in.
SPEAKER_01 (03:05):
Alright, so let's start with our deen first.
We always should begin with whatour deen says about uh about
these matters.
SPEAKER_00 (03:12):
So our deen always encourages, do not expose what
Allah has concealed.
And there's uh even a hadithmentioned in Al-Bukhari and
Muslim, so it's like a top sahihthat all of my ummah will be
forgiven except those who uhexpose themselves.
And some people exposethemselves for different
reasons, sometimes because theywant to be like upfront and
(03:33):
honest, and sometimes becausethey're just proud of their sins
and they want to brag about it.
Right.
But yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (03:39):
And there's also another hadith.
Um you can correct me if I'mwrong about this, is that a
person who conceals the faultsof others, Allah will conceal
his fault on the day ofjudgment.
SPEAKER_00 (03:48):
Exactly, exactly.
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (03:50):
So in the hadith we just mentioned where the Prophet
says, All of my ummah will beforgiven except for those who
expose themselves.
Now, believe it or not, therewere companions who did expose
themselves and confess to theirsins.
And the Prophet dealt with itdifferently depending upon the
situation and the circumstance.
Yeah.
(04:10):
So let's go through a few ofthose examples.
SPEAKER_00 (04:12):
Yeah, so the most famous one is called the story
of the Ramadiyya, which is awoman uh from the tribe of uh
Ramdi, and uh she came to theProphet and she confessed in
private in privacy that I'vecommitted zina and I'm pregnant.
So the Prophet pretended not tohear her.
(04:32):
She came back multiple times andhe every time pretended not to
hear her, and which was his wayof telling her keep that to
yourself.
He basically he turned her awaymultiple times.
Exactly, exactly.
And then she came back and sheconfessed again.
So the Prophet told her, Leaveit until you deliver your baby.
(04:54):
Uh she delivered her baby, andshe came back to the Prophet and
she said, confessed again.
So the Prophet uh told her, Goand nurse your baby and don't
come back until you're done withthe nursing period, which is
like two years or a year and ahalf or something.
And and every time he was tryingto tell her, Don't come back,
(05:14):
like in other words, don't comeback, that's okay.
It's not okay, but you don'tneed to expose yourself.
And then she came back later, uhafter being done with nursing
her baby, and she confessedagain.
And then of course the had waslike the uh what is had in
English?
Like the punishment, thepunishment was like conducted.
SPEAKER_01 (05:36):
And what was the punishment?
SPEAKER_00 (05:38):
It's stoning.
And there are stoning to death?
Stoning to death.
There are some people who doubtuh the validity of the this
hadith, and we're not talkingabout uh that right now, because
some people doubt the validityof the the the stoning uh
punishment.
But we're we're not discussingthat right now.
But uh that's the one story.
SPEAKER_01 (05:57):
So why did the Sahabiyya keep returning to the
Prophet?
SPEAKER_00 (06:03):
Because she wanted her sin to be she wanted to
repent for her sin in this liferather than being punished for
it in the day of judgment.
So she wanted to bear the thatpunishment and like that pain,
that physical pain and theemotional pain of like being
publicly stoned uh rather thanto answer it, uh to answer for
(06:25):
it on the day of judgment,subhanAllah.
SPEAKER_01 (06:28):
Wow, that's another level of faith.
Yeah.
Uh okay, so let's move on to thenext example.
Um, this Sahaba's name is Ma'azal-Aslami.
Did I say that right?
SPEAKER_00 (06:38):
His name is Ma'az Al-Aslami.
SPEAKER_01 (06:40):
Okay.
It was close.
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (06:42):
Close enough.
And it's a very, very, verysimilar story.
He committed zinah.
And he came to the Prophet andhe confessed.
Same thing.
The Prophet every time pretendednot to hear him.
He turned him away multipletimes.
But he insisted and insisted andkept coming until the punishment
was carried out.
And there were some sahaba likewho uh like spoke badly about
(07:05):
him or cursed him.
And uh the same thing with theRamadiyya story.
Some people like cursed her, andthen the Prophet said no, like
their repentance, her repentanceor his repentance, like if it's
divided, if it gets divided uhover the mankind, it would be
more than enough.
Like they're they're so pureright now, they're pure, more
(07:26):
pure than other people.
SPEAKER_01 (07:27):
Because they were sincere in their repentance,
exactly, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (07:30):
And they tolerated the punishment.
SPEAKER_01 (07:33):
Yeah, so there's multiple lessons to be learned
from from these stories.
But one more story before we getinto that.
Uh this Sahaba's name, orSahabi's name, sorry, is Hind
Bitund Rutbah.
SPEAKER_00 (07:45):
Yeah, so of course, the famous Hind, uh, the wife of
uh Abu Sufyan, she's she's knownfor oh my god, she's known for
eating the the flesh or the theliver of uh yeah of uh the
sahabi Hamza uh Radiallahuana.
So she had uh a very darkhistory, you could say, uh
pre-Islam, prior to her Islam.
(08:07):
And when she became Muslim, shegave bayah to the Prophet.
The Prophet never asked herabout her past, never brought it
up, and she's a Sahabiyyah.
We say Radiallahuana.
SPEAKER_02 (08:18):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (08:18):
So the the lesson to learn from all of these stories
is that what's in the past is inthe past.
Uh as long as you repented,repented, that's between you and
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
And once you repent, you are aspure as any other person.
SPEAKER_01 (08:34):
I don't understand how these stories relate to
somebody who's trying to getmarried.
Because when you're trying toget married, your past carries
with you and can potentiallyaffect the other person.
SPEAKER_00 (08:46):
So that's exactly the the question we wanna
explore.
What to share, what should beshared and what shouldn't be
shared.
SPEAKER_01 (08:53):
Okay, so let's go through a few specific examples.
Of course, a common one is debt.
To what extent should you besharing how much debt you have?
Maybe it's just uh a small loanto a person or student debt.
I mean, debt varies, right?
So how would you tackle thatconversation?
SPEAKER_00 (09:12):
Yeah, that should be disclosed because it's something
that will affect your futuremarriage, especially if we're
talking about something big,like you said, student debt or
uh a mortgage or something likethat.
Um, because yeah, uh like Isaid, it's gonna affect your
future finances and your futurespouse has the right to know
about it.
SPEAKER_01 (09:31):
Okay.
Uh health.
SPEAKER_00 (09:33):
So any health condition that will affect your
future marriage should bedisclosed.
Whether that's a mental healthissue, someone is bipolar or has
has deep depression, not had,has depression, that should be
disclosed.
Of course, STDs, that definitelyshould be uh uh disclosed.
And there are ways to disclosethere's specific uh
(09:55):
circumstances.
Anything that carries into yourfuture relationship should be
disclosed.
Uh what else did you mention?
Addictions.
Addiction.
If it's a current addiction,should be discussed and
mentioned.
Uh whether we're talking aboutgambling, porn, um, drugs,
alcohol, your spouse has theright to know about it and make
(10:16):
their own choice.
SPEAKER_01 (10:18):
Now that's kind of speaking idealistically.
I mean, if we all know that ifyou know a person shares these
things, then their chances ofgetting married is pretty much
slim to none.
So the the bigger issue andthing that we should be tackling
is dealing with these issues andtrying to rid them as best as
possible, especially if it's anaddiction, prior to marriage.
SPEAKER_00 (10:40):
Of course, of course.
That's always the best solution.
Like uh prevention is betterthan the cure, right?
Yeah.
So of course, uh like we said inthe previous episode, your
single days are your golden daysin terms of self-improvement,
whether it's physical, whetherit's uh overcoming an addiction,
whether it's um finances, uh uhself-growth, all of that.
(11:04):
But if you're already talking tosomeone for the purpose of
marriage and things are movingand you're now discussing maybe
engagement or marriage, then notdisclosing a current health
condition or a currentaddiction, that's deception.
Being practical doesn't meanthat you all like deceive
people.
So we have to distinguish.
SPEAKER_01 (11:24):
Right.
So going back to the Zina topic,um, because that was kind of the
running theme between thoseexamples and stories we shared.
Um yeah, let's just be veryclear that if you did commit
Zina in the past, your numberone, your match does not have
the right to ask.
But let's say she does ask or hedoes ask.
(11:45):
Um, what do you do in thatsituation?
SPEAKER_00 (11:48):
So Islamically you're not obligated to share,
by the way.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Especially and in all thesecases like of past sins, we're
talking about someone whosincerely repented, who uh have
cut this action off, uh who'slike working on on building a
better life.
We're not talking about someonewho's like currently involved in
(12:10):
these sins, right?
And your repentance is betweenyou and Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala.
You know if you were sincere ornot.
But that's besides the point.
Uh so yeah, you're not supposedto ask.
And if you're asked, what do youdo?
That's a question.
Do you lie?
Do you just be upfront?
SPEAKER_01 (12:28):
I think, in my opinion, um you just uh come
back to the deen and say thatyou know um Islamically you
don't have the right to ask, andum, you know, I understand that
might be a concern to you, butum, you know, whatever I have or
haven't done in the past isbetween me and Allah.
SPEAKER_00 (12:48):
That's just gonna create some more suspicious
suspicion.
SPEAKER_01 (12:52):
Yeah, true, but you know, I'm not gonna let her
abuse my rights.
It's my right to conceal and andnot share that.
So I'm not gonna let her takeadvantage.
SPEAKER_00 (13:04):
Okay, well and the beginning.
SPEAKER_01 (13:05):
What would you do?
Like uh you know, we're goingthrough our courting phase and I
ask you that question.
What would you do?
SPEAKER_00 (13:11):
So being someone who has alhamdulillah never
committed that, I would justtell you like straight ahead,
no.
I would tell you no.
SPEAKER_01 (13:19):
But wouldn't you be offended by the fact that I even
asked?
I don't know, offended by therespectful of your Islamic
right?
SPEAKER_00 (13:26):
It's so it depends on the way you ask, the way
someone asks.
If someone just straight outcomes and asks, are you a
virgin?
SPEAKER_01 (13:34):
Have you committed zin in the given we've gone past
the icebreaker stage and we'vedeveloped some comfortability
and somehow, some way, I mean,there's very few ways to beat
around the bush.
At some point, you know, he'slike he's trying to work his way
up to saying, Okay, so do youhave a past?
Right?
Like he finds some sneaky way tobring it up.
So and you know what he'stalking about.
SPEAKER_00 (13:56):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (13:57):
I mean, how would you feel?
SPEAKER_00 (13:59):
In the beginning, I would say that's not your place
and that's not your right toask.
And uh then I would justhonestly answer the question
because not answering thequestion just draws more
suspicion.
But it's very important to pointout that virginity is not
required for marriage, andvirginity is not a sign of
(14:20):
chastity.
You could have lost yourvirginity due to a mistake
you've done, but if yourepented, you are as chaste as
any other woman.
SPEAKER_01 (14:29):
Okay, and spiritually speaking.
SPEAKER_00 (14:32):
That's very important.
SPEAKER_01 (14:33):
That's spiritually speaking, not physically
speaking.
SPEAKER_00 (14:36):
You are chaste.
SPEAKER_01 (14:37):
Not physically speaking, physiologically
speaking.
SPEAKER_00 (14:41):
Okay, be careful about the words you do, you use.
So you are chaste physically andspiritually.
You're not a virgin, but itdoesn't mean you're not chaste.
SPEAKER_01 (14:50):
Okay, so what do we mean by chaste?
SPEAKER_00 (14:53):
Someone who is who doesn't carry current sins,
someone who's not involved in inspecific sins right now, at this
m at the moment that I'm talkingto you about the for the purpose
of marriage.
That's what it means.
SPEAKER_01 (15:05):
Chase, the definition of the word chaste,
if I may the definition ofchaste is abstaining from
extramarital or from all sexualintercourse, not having any
sexual nature or intentionwithout unnecessary
ornamentation.
So you're incorrect.
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (15:24):
Okay.
I guess maybe that's thedefinition of Google.
SPEAKER_01 (15:30):
And they pull it from the Oxford Dictionary, so
I'm sure it's not.
SPEAKER_00 (15:33):
But we we have our own Islamic understanding.
SPEAKER_01 (15:36):
Yes, so you might be spiritually chaste.
There's so you have todistinguish between the two.
Okay.
And when um and when men areasking about that, they're not
talking about whether or not areyou spiritually chased?
Have you rebended repented toAllah?
Let's be real, they're askingwhether or not if your hymen's
intact.
SPEAKER_00 (15:52):
And there that's I'm glad you mentioned that, because
this is something that mostpeople don't know, and I would
bet like 99% of men don't know,even women, that your hymen
might be torn, but not becauseof uh an intercourse, but
because of an injury, because ofuh health condition.
(16:12):
Uh some women even or broken, Ithink the more appropriate term
is broken.
Broken, okay.
And some women on there could bevirgin, but on the wedding night
they don't bleed.
And so if we don't have theproper education about this, uh
very awful things could happen.
SPEAKER_03 (16:28):
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (16:28):
Yeah.
So that's important to mind.
And I think that um in ourdiscussion with uh uh sex
educator Amira Zaki, shementioned that as well.
SPEAKER_01 (16:37):
Oh, I have to go back to that episode.
SPEAKER_00 (16:39):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
To be practical, if your fianceis expecting virginity on the
wedding night, then concealingit like risks humiliation or
even instant divorce, becausethe man might feel like he's
betrayed.
So it's better to disclose it,even though you're not obligated
Islamically, it's better todisclose in a dignified way.
Just use general terms.
(17:01):
Uh something like I've mademistakes in the past uh and I
moved on.
If virginity is something that'suh a deal breaker for you or an
absolute requirement for you, uhI want to be upfront.
SPEAKER_01 (17:13):
No guy will ever come out and say, hey, it's a
deal breaker for me.
I mean, most cases it's good theguy is entering a relationship
assuming that.
It's kind of a lose-losesituation.
If you if you don't do it, thenif you don't disclose that, then
you run the risk of your husbandlearning about it later and you
know, oh hell breaking loose.
(17:33):
And if you do, then you riskruining a potential match.
SPEAKER_00 (17:37):
So there are some ways to tell if he's the kind
who expects it, like of courseevery guy expects virginity, but
if he's the guy who's gonna likemake like a big deal out of, or
if it's gonna be a deal breakerfor him.
For example, if you know theperson you're speaking to is
more like on the traditionalside, more like old-fashioned,
(17:58):
right?
Then it's a sign.
Or if he's someone who mentionsit in different ways, I don't
know.
Maybe he mentioned somethingpassively, maybe he's the type
who would um just hint towardsit.
So then it's it's another sign.
But if you know him to be moreof a like an open-minded guy, or
(18:21):
who has like real real deen,real Islam, who's like
understands that we makemistakes and we move on, who has
taqwa and fear of Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala.
Um, or if you know he is uhsomeone to like to be
judgmental, or if you know he'sthe kind of person who flips
immediately, or who's um uh likedoesn't take time to think and
(18:44):
process, who's emotional, thenthese are signs that maybe you
should disclose, but withoutbeing specific.
I've made mistakes in the past,I've repented, and uh right now
I'm trying to build a halalmarriage.
SPEAKER_01 (18:58):
So the important thing to point out is that
there's not a one-size-fits-allsolution.
SPEAKER_00 (19:03):
Exactly.
It's not black and white.
SPEAKER_01 (19:05):
Black and white.
SPEAKER_00 (19:06):
Black and white.
SPEAKER_01 (19:06):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (19:07):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (19:07):
Okay, fair enough.
So the important question to beasking is does concealment mean
betrayal?
Again, it's there's noone-size-fits-all answer to this
question, is there?
SPEAKER_00 (19:21):
Yeah, I guess it depends on the situation.
It does depend on the other.
If it's something, if it's oneof those uh uh circumstances or
cases we've discussed in thebeginning, like an STD, like um
a huge debt, like uh an ongoingaddiction, then yeah, it is a
betrayal, not to mention it.
But if it's something in thepast that's not gonna affect
your future marriage, thenthat's not betrayal, that's more
(19:43):
protecting your dignity, that'sconcealing what Allah has
concealed, protecting what Allahhas concealed.
SPEAKER_01 (19:49):
But yeah, go ahead.
SPEAKER_00 (19:50):
Just want to mention one thing before moving on from
the topic of virginity.
Uh, I kind of hinted at to it inthe beginning, which is that
double standards that oursociety or community has, which
is like it's disgusting,honestly.
It's disgusting.
Yeah, and you know what?
A lot you know what's going inthe minds of a lot of Muslim
(20:12):
women is that most men havecommitted zina.
But it's har yes, yes, it's hardto find a guy who didn't commit
zina.
So I'm not gonna ask even.
I'm not gonna think about it.
SPEAKER_03 (20:23):
Wow.
SPEAKER_00 (20:24):
Because, like I said, every woman who committed
zina, she committed it with aman.
Why isn't it as big of a dealfor women than it is for men?
And also some women are awarethat the men have committed
zina, some way or another.
Maybe he confessed, maybe andthey still go ahead with it.
SPEAKER_01 (20:41):
Interesting.
SPEAKER_00 (20:42):
Yeah.
Don't you feel that this is uhlike hypocrisy in our community,
especially from families, frommen?
SPEAKER_01 (20:52):
Yeah, I think it's just something that is like
virginity, for example, is justsomething that is more of a
concern to guys and girls ingeneral, I think.
SPEAKER_00 (21:03):
Yeah, that's so that's what we're discussing.
Why?
Because Islamically, you're blike your both.
SPEAKER_01 (21:08):
Let's take the Quran for example.
Why is it that the Quranmentions that we'll get 40
virgins in heaven?
No, no, no, no, that the No nono notion is.
That's a good point.
No, let me expand upon that.
Why?
And why is it that is nothinglike that is mentioned for
women?
Because Allah knows what womendesire, what they want, right?
SPEAKER_00 (21:27):
And so that's why actually, to be accurate, it
doesn't mention in the Quranthat the guy will get 40
virgins.
SPEAKER_01 (21:34):
Okay, but the the idea of I mean uh Surah Naba.
Well, what is the uh um you knowthe verse that I'm talking about
maidens in heaven, yeah, right?
Yeah, not forty virgins, butthere is a reference to getting
uh in heaven, right?
Yeah, because but the the samething isn't mentioned for women,
right?
Because the Pro Allah subhanahuwa ta'ala knows what men desire,
(21:56):
right?
Okay, which is pure chastewomen.
SPEAKER_03 (21:59):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (21:59):
Right?
So expanding upon that, why isthere such a double standard?
Because that's just how we'rebiologically wired.
SPEAKER_00 (22:06):
But uh but but it doesn't make it right.
It didn't work to the Quran, youknow, going back to the Quran.
SPEAKER_01 (22:12):
Regardless of whether it makes it right or
not, it's just how we're wired,that we desire pure chaste
women, but right more than men,women desire pure chaste men.
SPEAKER_00 (22:22):
You you want to go to the Quran?
Let's go to the Quran.
Where it does.
SPEAKER_01 (22:25):
Okay, well, you have a master's degree, so I'm gonna
be defeated in this.
SPEAKER_00 (22:29):
No, actually, it's an ayah you know.
In Surah Tanur.
What is the punishment of azani?
And here now we're talking aboutunmarried um, we're not talking
about adultery, we're nottalking about zina for unmarried
people.
Fajli do Fajlidu kulla wahedimmin human mi'atajalda.
(22:49):
The zaniya and the zani, uh whatis the word for jild?
Whip.
Whip.
Whip each each one of them, ahundred uh whips.
It's the same punishment.
And it's like, you know what?
I feel like Allah subhanahu wata'ala knows that we're gonna
think that, oh, the woman shouldget more punishment, a bigger
(23:11):
punishment than the man, andthat's why he said, Kulla wahadi
minhuma, each one of them.
So if the punishment is thesame, why should our judgment be
different?
SPEAKER_01 (23:20):
It's not about judgment or punishment, it's
about how we're biologicallywired.
It's how Allah subhanahu wata'ala created us.
That men desire certain thingsand women desire certain things.
And for men, a deep desirewithin us, I feel, um connecting
back to the ayah just mentioned,is pure chaste women.
And so whether you want to callit a double standard, or you
(23:43):
want to call it hypocrisy,whatever term you want to use,
that's just how we'rebiologically wired, and that's
why we search for that.
SPEAKER_00 (23:48):
So wait.
Are do men like desire versionwomen because of the pleasure
that comes with it, or becausethe the the purity, they want
someone pure?
SPEAKER_01 (24:00):
Uh I think both, a mix of both.
SPEAKER_00 (24:02):
Because if it's about the pleasure, then that's
just utter hypocrisy.
Like they they don't care aboutwomen who like they don't care
if they themselves commit zina,but when it's like time for
their pleasure, they wantaversion.
That's pure hypocrisy.
But if it's about purity, thensame thing.
Women you think women enjoysleeping with a man who's been
(24:25):
like who slept with other womenbefore marriage?
unknown (24:27):
No.
SPEAKER_01 (24:27):
I'm not saying that.
I'm not saying that, but I thinkthat I mean it's just one of
those ironies where we're nevergonna know what it's like
because we've never been in theopposite gender shoes.
But I think just the idea of aman being with multiple I mean
the idea of a woman being withmultiple partners is more
distasteful than probably for awoman knowing that a man has
(24:51):
been with multiple partners, Ithink.
No?
SPEAKER_00 (24:53):
Well, maybe somehow be and that's why like men are
allowed to marry up to fourwomen at a time and women are
not.
SPEAKER_01 (25:00):
There you go.
You see again the beauty of ourdeen is that it connects back to
our fitra.
Yeah, right?
Like the the the the the thingsthat we get rewarded with and uh
the the sharia, it all connectsback to our fitra and somehow,
somewhat.
SPEAKER_00 (25:15):
But at the same time, also our deen came to
correct some beliefs and somejudgments we may have.
Like, for example, Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala knows that
the society is gonna be judgingwomen more than men who
committed the same mistake, andthat's why Allah came out and
said and said it clearly, eachone of them.
So just because like we broughtup to think this, or because
(25:37):
like it's our like innerdesires, it doesn't mean that
it's right.
And the Islam came to correctthis.
So it's not like an excuse, ohit's built in.
No, it's something that shouldbe corrected with the deen.
SPEAKER_01 (25:51):
I think double standard hypocrisy is one thing,
and understanding what our fitrais is another thing.
SPEAKER_03 (25:58):
Maybe.
SPEAKER_01 (25:58):
And maybe we're just kind of debating apples in a
water.
Maybe, maybe.
But there is one thing I want tocome back to, which is that a
woman doesn't always bleed onthe wedding night.
So you won't always know if yourwife's a virgin or not.
That's the point I'm making.
Yeah.
So it's you're better off notasking because for you to assume
(26:19):
that she wasn't a virgin justbecause she didn't bleed the
wedding night is kind offoolish.
It's a it's uh it's aninaccurate conclusion to be
making.
Yeah, yeah.
Right?
And uh and a lot of like on.
Why ask?
I mean, the most importantthing, of course, you should be
asking, right, is STDs.
Well well.
I mean, in a respectful,dignified way, I mean, given the
(26:41):
times that we're living in, askabout STDs.
SPEAKER_00 (26:44):
So actually, it's the person who has STD who it's
his responsibility to share it.
But unfortunately, because somepeople don't share, you find
yourself in a situation whereyou have to ask, and I remember
in an ideal situation the personwould share, but we don't live
in ideal situations.
I remember with our uh inconversation with Habib Akande,
do you remember what he evenrecommended?
SPEAKER_01 (27:04):
I don't.
SPEAKER_00 (27:05):
You should have the person get tested.
Oh yeah, and you yourself aswell.
You get tested and show them theresult.
SPEAKER_01 (27:13):
Wow.
SPEAKER_00 (27:13):
Yeah, because you see there's a lot of uh distrust
between people.
SPEAKER_01 (27:20):
Yeah, I think that's uh another episode we should uh
dedicate towards how much totrust.
What to what degree should youtake that leap of faith?
Yeah.
I don't know.
Maybe another topic for anotherday.
SPEAKER_03 (27:32):
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (27:34):
If you're overwhelmed and burdened and
just don't know where to seekhelp, let us help you.
We can be your personalmatchmakers.
Visit us at halalmatch.ca andbook a free call with us.
In fertility.
It is a topic that we definitelydid not dive into during our
(27:54):
courting phase.
I feel it's a topic that doesn'tget much attention.
I think people just assume thatoh, we're gonna get married and
have kids and live happily everafter, and can have 10 babies
and a beautiful life.
SPEAKER_00 (28:06):
Yeah, because most people who end up having
fertility problems they are notaware of it before marriage.
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (28:11):
And it does work both ways.
I mean, the guy could have a lowsperm count, he can um deal with
be dealing with impotence, andthe girl on the other side could
be dealing with a whole host ofissues.
Yeah, yeah.
So what do we do?
SPEAKER_00 (28:26):
If you want to take the extra step and getting
tested before getting married,that would save you and your
future spouse a lot of umfrustration and heartache.
And on the other hand, there aresome cases where you know that
you have some issues.
Like for a guy, he could havehad an accident in his area, or
(28:48):
maybe he had prostate cancer, orwhatever it is.
Like lack of proper bloodcirculation down here, yeah,
some yeah, or a woman could havehad like, I don't know, ovarian
cancer, or she had an accidentas well.
So if you know uh in advancethat you have fertility
problems, it is your uhobligation to share.
(29:09):
And not sharing, that'sdeception.
That's haram.
SPEAKER_01 (29:14):
Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
Uh family baggage is anotherone.
Oh yeah, that's um, yeah, we runinto these situations with um
with clients where they come outof abusive relationships, so
there's past trauma.
Uh we actually just recall aconversation we had uh barely
two weeks ago of a girl who wassaying that uh her she had an
(29:37):
abusive sister uh who would umjust call her names and tell her
she would never get married andjust say the cruelest things.
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (29:46):
So the family baggage could show up in
different ways, like controllingparents.
Like these these parents aregonna end up being his or her
parents in law.
So like Islamically, are youobligated to share?
No.
But should you yes, because itshould it can.
It will it will affect thequality of your future marriage.
SPEAKER_01 (30:03):
Right.
Now just remember the way ourdeen is structured is that it
provides a basic framework,right?
And so it's not prescriptive.
It doesn't tell you specificallystep by step do this, do don't
don't do this, do this, don't dothis, right?
It's a basic framework of halaland haram and essentially in
most cases deals with extremesituations, right?
(30:25):
Now, going back to this topic,should you share, should you not
share.
Now there are things that ofcourse execute common sense, use
your best judgment, things likethat.
But yeah, like you said, it'snot like the Quran says that you
are, or the hadith says you arerequired to share in this
circumstance, right?
SPEAKER_00 (30:42):
Like some marriages use common sense.
Yeah.
Some marriages fail because ofcontrolling parents.
And I just recently heard heardof a situation.
Uh so in those cases, you shouldyou should share in your own
way.
SPEAKER_01 (30:54):
Yeah.
Um something else to avoid,trauma dumping.
So I remember this situation nottoo long ago.
It was actually probably a year,maybe a year and a half ago,
where we took two clients out ona double date, and the girl had
been in a previous relationship,it was an abusive relationship,
and at the double date, she juststarted trauma dumping.
SPEAKER_00 (31:16):
The first meeting.
SPEAKER_01 (31:17):
At the first meeting, and uh when we found
out about this, we were justshocked.
That and it just goes back tohow we constantly tell each
other that there's so manythings that we just feel a
common sense that you should andshouldn't do when meeting
someone for the first time, andtrauma dumping is definitely one
of them.
SPEAKER_00 (31:34):
And I remember in another case.
SPEAKER_01 (31:36):
It's like the key quickest and easiest way to kill
a double date.
SPEAKER_00 (31:39):
Yeah, in another case, um, it was also a double
date, first meeting.
Yeah, and the guy just sharedthat in the past he used to
drink.
SPEAKER_01 (31:48):
Yeah, yeah.
And it like immediately You'retalking about uh the older older
couple that we took out.
SPEAKER_00 (31:53):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And there was no absolutely noneed.
Like Alhamdulillah, you don'tdrink anymore.
Why why did you have to go andshare?
SPEAKER_01 (32:00):
I don't know.
People and it's usually no, inthis case it was the guy.
SPEAKER_00 (32:04):
It was the guy, and she didn't ask, it's not like
she asked.
SPEAKER_01 (32:07):
I don't know.
And this is why we have to domini coaching sessions in
between, you know, releasingcontact information or
introducing clients to oneanother.
Yeah.
But regardless, um, don't traumadump.
I understand that you want toshare things and and m make sure
that your match is wellinformed, but they don't need to
(32:27):
know everything, you know.
SPEAKER_00 (32:28):
Especially if it's like in the past, nothing.
It's in the past.
You don't need to give upbiography of sins.
SPEAKER_01 (32:35):
Exactly, exactly.
SPEAKER_00 (32:36):
Okay, if you must ask, if like your skin is
itching you to ask about aspecific sin, how to go about
it?
SPEAKER_01 (32:44):
That's tough.
Um, it depends on what it is.
I'd say you need to do someself-reflection first, to be
honest.
Like, why do you want to know?
Why is it so important to you?
Um, I don't know what issomething that is really
important for women that theywould be itching to ask.
SPEAKER_00 (33:00):
Like right now, we hear a lot about how common porn
addiction is, especially formen.
And sometimes it's not just inthe past.
And you want to know is this guyI'm marrying addicted to porn?
Does he watch porn?
Is he gonna leave me in thebedroom to go and and watch
things?
So that's the thing.
(33:21):
How how to ask?
Uh so first of all, don't makeit into an interrogation.
Don't actually before that,don't ask from like the first or
second meeting.
After you've built a level oflike trust and comfortability,
and you feel like you reallyhave to know, and like whether
it's about porn addiction orvirginity or whatever like
(33:44):
health problems or whatever,don't make it into an
interrogation.
It's just gonna make the firstthe person feel defensive and
offended.
SPEAKER_01 (33:51):
Okay, so we've done the icebreakers, we're
comfortable, we've had uh two orthree Zoom calls.
How are you gonna ask me if Ihave a porn addiction?
SPEAKER_00 (33:58):
So before you ask directly, you can ask
value-based questions.
Like, what is one thing you'restruggling with right now?
Okay, what is one thing you'reopen-ended general?
SPEAKER_01 (34:09):
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (34:09):
What is one thing you're working on uh improving
or a bad habit you have?
SPEAKER_01 (34:14):
But isn't that beating around the bush?
unknown (34:16):
No.
SPEAKER_00 (34:16):
So there are stages like before you amputate, you
try to treat the wound, right?
SPEAKER_02 (34:24):
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (34:25):
Okay, what life experiences shape your uh shape
you the most, for example?
Is there this is another onethat's a little bit like more to
the point.
Is there anything from your pastthat would affect our marriage
going forward?
Now you can ask all thequestions and questions in the
world.
If you don't trust this person,then you can trust their
(34:46):
answers.
So it goes back to trust.
Do you trust you can't trustsomebody you've just been
talking to or that's no, that'swhy I said you ask after you
built a level of comfortability,uh like you know you're serious
about each other.
Maybe before the engagement youask, but you don't ask in the
beginning.
SPEAKER_01 (35:06):
Yeah, of course not.
You'd be an idiot to ask.
That's like asking aboutchildren in the first date.
SPEAKER_00 (35:10):
Exactly.
SPEAKER_01 (35:10):
Like, so how many children you want to have?
SPEAKER_00 (35:12):
Yeah.
So if like if you directly askabout virginity or past
relationships, then be preparedto handle the answers with
maturity, or don't ask at all.
SPEAKER_02 (35:22):
Yeah, I agree.
SPEAKER_00 (35:23):
Yeah.
And if sharing now, the um theother person, if you're sharing,
timing matters.
So, like I said, wait until therelationship is serious, but
before like the Nika, of course.
Uh use general and dignifiedlanguage.
I've made mistakes, I'veregretted them, and I've
repented, and I'm committed to ahalal marriage, halal future.
(35:46):
Uh oh, don't give details thatcould backfire against you.
Don't share like specificstories and names and numbers
and graphic details.
Oh God.
SPEAKER_01 (35:58):
A few real life scenarios we can go through.
Um, one is, for example, asister who has a history of
depression.
Uh, she's worked through it.
Now alhamdulillah, she's in astable state.
She should disclose it in apositive frame.
And one way to do that is, forexample, saying, I've managed
depression, I know how to takecare of myself, it's part of my
(36:21):
journey, but it won't stop mefrom being a supportive spouse.
Right?
How do you feel about that?
SPEAKER_00 (36:27):
Yeah, absolutely.
Of course.
SPEAKER_01 (36:28):
Um my personal take is that it could work either
against her or for her.
SPEAKER_00 (36:35):
Why would it work against her?
SPEAKER_01 (36:37):
Because as a guy, when I'm hearing this, I'm
thinking, okay, this could comeback.
Well, that like this could be apotentially damaging
relationship because this girlhas a history of that, who's to
say that you know, she'scompletely recovered from it.
SPEAKER_00 (36:57):
And the guy could suddenly have depression out of
nowhere.
Like, you know, with uh I thinkschizophrenia, like people who
get schizophrenia, like theystart showing signs like in
their 30s or 40s, right?
So like anything could happen.
You know, this reminds me of ourconversation with uh Rabia,
(37:19):
Rabia Khudr.
Um she this was a great episode.
We discussed the topic ofdisability and why it's uh like
a deal breaker for most people.
She's a she's a a great pioneerwoman, and uh she said that
there was a situation where um Ithink the brother married a
blind uh sister, or the sistermarried a blind a blind uh
(37:41):
brother.
And somebody asked, like, uh,like how come like like you
married a blind person?
Like, how did you go why wouldyou go through a relationship
like this from the beginning?
And the other person said, Well,they could like become blind
later in life, like nothing isguaranteed.
So she had depression in thepast, now she's doing well,
(38:03):
she's stable.
What if she develops it in thefuture?
Well, what if he developsdepression in the past?
SPEAKER_01 (38:08):
Come on now, that's that's a bit unfair.
Like she has a history of it,but now she's okay.
I I'd honestly be a bit hesitantin moving ahead with this girl.
SPEAKER_00 (38:16):
I think if it was something more threatening, more
serious than depression, likelet's say, I don't know, uh
someone who has um I don't know,manic depression or bipolar.
SPEAKER_01 (38:28):
Okay, let me throw a scenario at you.
You're speaking to a guy, heconfesses that he has a history
of alcoholism.
Um, he's worked through it, nowhe's in a better state.
Would you still move ahead?
SPEAKER_00 (38:42):
If he's completely over it, yes, I would move
ahead.
Why would I judge him for hispast?
SPEAKER_01 (38:48):
But it's It's not about judging, it's just being
aware of the fact that thiscould come back.
SPEAKER_00 (38:54):
Well, it's not like alcoholism, it's not like a
disease that comes back.
If you surround yourself withright company and you stay away
from places where there'sdrinking and like with friends
who drink and all of that,you're protecting yourself and
you are still maybe I don'tknow, seeking uh support,
whether it's AA, what is itcalled?
(39:15):
AA or whatever kind of supportit is.
SPEAKER_01 (39:18):
Well, I don't know if alcoholism is something that
can come back.
Well maybe it is.
I don't know.
SPEAKER_00 (39:23):
But no, I no, if I know that the person like it's
completely behind them, thenyeah, I would go.
SPEAKER_01 (39:29):
Or let's say he's working through it and he's
going to AA, so he's kind ofjust in like the rehabilitation
stage.
SPEAKER_00 (39:37):
So yeah, I would wait until he's completely over
it, until he's in a betterplace, and maybe I can support
him.
I don't know how.
But uh no, I wouldn't go throughthe marriage until I know he's
completely over it.
SPEAKER_01 (39:51):
Okay, fair point.
Let's try another scenario.
A revert with a past.
Now we all know that when aperson converts, that Islam
wipes their slate clean, and uhnow the focus is on who they are
now and not who they were.
Right?
So I think this one's ano-brainer.
(40:12):
You can't judge a revert ontheir past.
They're they're completelythey're like a newborn baby at
this point.
SPEAKER_00 (40:17):
You would think you would think that this is a
no-brainer, but unfortunately, alot of families are against
marrying uh a revert, especiallytheir daughter marrying a
revert, because they're like, wedon't know anything about his
past.
What if he did this?
What if he did that?
And that's just utter ignorance.
SPEAKER_01 (40:34):
Okay.
Now I'm trying to think outsideof the box.
Like, what if it was I don'tknow, just a crazy scenario that
just came to mind?
A guy who was who met a girl whohad a past as a pornographic
actress and her stuff's on theinternet, uh, and she's working
hard to remove it, but it'sstill accessible.
(40:56):
Um, but she's a revert now, andit's behind her, but she has
that past.
Would I move forward with that?
I don't think so.
SPEAKER_00 (41:05):
Really?
SPEAKER_01 (41:06):
Would you would you move forward with a guy who has
that past?
SPEAKER_00 (41:09):
If I know that they are committed to their dean,
they're working hard to get itremoved from the internet.
SPEAKER_01 (41:14):
And he's famous on the internet, even like let's
say his video footage has beenremoved, but his name is known.
SPEAKER_00 (41:20):
Yeah, but because you know what?
Like somebody has to give them achance.
If everyone keeps rejectingthem, they're just gonna go back
to their like old days.
SPEAKER_01 (41:28):
That's true.
SPEAKER_00 (41:29):
So you know what?
SPEAKER_01 (41:30):
I may yeah, I guess maybe I'm a bit judgmental.
SPEAKER_00 (41:32):
You know what?
Like all the sahaba, not all thesahaba, but a huge majority of
the sahaba, actually, maybe allthe sahaba, they used to be
non-Muslim.
And they used to like commiteverything that's awful that
comes with like Jahiliyya.
But now we say Radiallahu anhom.
SPEAKER_01 (41:52):
Yeah.
I don't know.
I'm a terrible person, I know.
SPEAKER_00 (41:57):
I don't know.
Everyone's person, everyone'stolerance is different, and uh
but yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (42:03):
Yeah, I don't know, maybe that's just my bias or
judgment coming out.
SPEAKER_00 (42:07):
If Allah has forgiven them and once they're
become Muslim, they're like likea newborn person with zero
mistakes.
So who are we to shut the door?
SPEAKER_01 (42:19):
Yeah, I guess you're right.
So we want you guys to keep afew things in mind before we
wrap up.
That ultimately marriage isabout who you are today, not who
you were.
And uh the kind of person youare, and yes, you know, there
are certain things from yourpast that should be disclosed if
they're carrying over into yourmarriage, like an STD, for
example.
But in general, most thingsdon't need to be revealed to a
(42:43):
potential match.
I would say arguably maybe 90%,if I was to give it a number.
So make that the focus.
When you are assessingcompatibility, try to assess who
they are today, what are thegoals, what are their future
aspirations, what are theirvalues, things like that.
And don't try to just make it aninterrogation about who they
were, right?
Um, concealment is notdishonesty when it's done to
(43:06):
protect someone's dignity,right?
Like if somebody has repentedand they're trying to move on
and move past their mistakes, ina way they're trying to preserve
their dignity.
Yeah.
And that's important to notetoo.
SPEAKER_00 (43:18):
Yeah, yeah.
And you know what, just uhbecause you mentioned
concealment, um, if you decideyou want to share something
about your past, share it withthat, with your future spouse
and not with their family.
Because a lot of times familiesare more judgmental than the
person.
SPEAKER_01 (43:34):
That's true.
Yeah, that's true.
SPEAKER_00 (43:36):
Yeah.
Let's leave you guys with thisquestion.
So if you were in thissituation, would you want to
know everything about yourfuture spouse, or would you
rather they prove to you thatthey have changed?
What matters to you more?
Their past or their present?
SPEAKER_01 (43:51):
Yeah, it's a good question.
Okay.
Hopefully this benefited youguys.
Feel free to share yourcomments.
Um if you guys have a uniquestory you want to share with us.
We're always uh looking to havepeople on our podcast that have
unique stories.
Um, so shoot us an email atinfothalalmatch.ca.
We'd love to hear it.
SPEAKER_00 (44:12):
We're not inviting you to come and share your past
sins, by the way.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (44:16):
Of course, we would never do that.
Until next time.
You've met someone for marriage.
Things look promising, but inthe back of your mind you're
thinking, should I tell themabout that mistake?
What if they ask me directly?
What if they expect something Ican't give them?
Like virginity?
Should I stay silent and pray itdoesn't come up?
Or be upfront and risk losingthem.
(00:22):
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
SPEAKER_01 (00:24):
And I'm Zayd.
SPEAKER_00 (00:25):
You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
SPEAKER_01 (00:27):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
SPEAKER_00 (00:31):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
SPEAKER_01 (00:34):
So let's dive in.
Bismillah.
Assalamu alaikum, everyone.
Welcome back to another episode.
SPEAKER_00 (00:42):
Yeah, salam alaikum.
We're diving into a hot topictoday.
SPEAKER_01 (00:46):
Yes, it is definitely a hot topic.
It is something that uh doesn'tusually come up on discovery
calls, but I'd say it's alwayslurking in the back of people's
minds.
Sometimes it comes up inconversations too.
Um, it's like the elephant inthe room.
Yeah.
But honestly, like one of thethings I respect about you
during our courting phase isthat you never ask me about my
(01:10):
past or if I had a bad past orif there were some ugly things
in my past.
SPEAKER_00 (01:16):
And well, d Ditto, you also didn't ask me.
SPEAKER_01 (01:19):
Well, that's true, that's true.
And um I think guys usually arethinking more about this than
girls, right?
Because let's be honest, it'susually the virginity thing,
right?
Guys always want to know is shea virgin, is she not?
Is she sleeping around, youknow, blah blah blah.
And so of course, guys want tomarry somebody who's a virgin.
SPEAKER_00 (01:44):
And you know what's the funny thing?
Yeah.
So when uh when a woman commitsuh zina, like um may Allah
forgive us all, when a womancommits zina, she's not
committing committing it byherself, she's committing it
with a man, right?
Yeah, so there's another part tothe equation.
Like for each woman whocommitted zina, there's a man
who committed zina.
So why is it that men areusually suspicious but not
(02:07):
women?
SPEAKER_01 (02:08):
I don't know, that's just kind of a subconscious
thing.
SPEAKER_00 (02:11):
It's not it it's more of a hypocritical thing,
it's a double standard thing.
We'll we'll dive a little bitmore into that later in the
episode, inshallah.
SPEAKER_01 (02:18):
So of course, virginity is just one part of
this broad uh subject.
And the subject obviously beinghow much to share before
marriage.
You know, there's so many, Imean, we could talk about
addictions, we can talk about,you know, um what do you call
diseases, STDs, promiscuitypromiscuity, right?
Is that the right word?
SPEAKER_00 (02:39):
Oh you tell me you're the promiscuous sex.
Um like uh family, like familydynamics, specific family family
dynamics, trauma, trauma, mentalhealth issues.
SPEAKER_01 (02:51):
Yeah, there's so many things that that, yeah.
And so the question is shouldwhat is required to be shared
and what is not?
SPEAKER_00 (03:00):
And how much to share and how to share.
Yeah.
And yeah, it's inshaAllah, let'sdive in.
SPEAKER_01 (03:05):
Alright, so let's start with our deen first.
We always should begin with whatour deen says about uh about
these matters.
SPEAKER_00 (03:12):
So our deen always encourages, do not expose what
Allah has concealed.
And there's uh even a hadithmentioned in Al-Bukhari and
Muslim, so it's like a top sahihthat all of my ummah will be
forgiven except those who uhexpose themselves.
And some people exposethemselves for different
reasons, sometimes because theywant to be like upfront and
(03:33):
honest, and sometimes becausethey're just proud of their sins
and they want to brag about it.
Right.
But yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (03:39):
And there's also another hadith.
Um you can correct me if I'mwrong about this, is that a
person who conceals the faultsof others, Allah will conceal
his fault on the day ofjudgment.
SPEAKER_00 (03:48):
Exactly, exactly.
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (03:50):
So in the hadith we just mentioned where the Prophet
says, All of my ummah will beforgiven except for those who
expose themselves.
Now, believe it or not, therewere companions who did expose
themselves and confess to theirsins.
And the Prophet dealt with itdifferently depending upon the
situation and the circumstance.
Yeah.
(04:10):
So let's go through a few ofthose examples.
SPEAKER_00 (04:12):
Yeah, so the most famous one is called the story
of the Ramadiyya, which is awoman uh from the tribe of uh
Ramdi, and uh she came to theProphet and she confessed in
private in privacy that I'vecommitted zina and I'm pregnant.
So the Prophet pretended not tohear her.
(04:32):
She came back multiple times andhe every time pretended not to
hear her, and which was his wayof telling her keep that to
yourself.
He basically he turned her awaymultiple times.
Exactly, exactly.
And then she came back and sheconfessed again.
So the Prophet told her, Leaveit until you deliver your baby.
(04:54):
Uh she delivered her baby, andshe came back to the Prophet and
she said, confessed again.
So the Prophet uh told her, Goand nurse your baby and don't
come back until you're done withthe nursing period, which is
like two years or a year and ahalf or something.
And and every time he was tryingto tell her, Don't come back,
(05:14):
like in other words, don't comeback, that's okay.
It's not okay, but you don'tneed to expose yourself.
And then she came back later, uhafter being done with nursing
her baby, and she confessedagain.
And then of course the had waslike the uh what is had in
English?
Like the punishment, thepunishment was like conducted.
SPEAKER_01 (05:36):
And what was the punishment?
SPEAKER_00 (05:38):
It's stoning.
And there are stoning to death?
Stoning to death.
There are some people who doubtuh the validity of the this
hadith, and we're not talkingabout uh that right now, because
some people doubt the validityof the the the stoning uh
punishment.
But we're we're not discussingthat right now.
But uh that's the one story.
SPEAKER_01 (05:57):
So why did the Sahabiyya keep returning to the
Prophet?
SPEAKER_00 (06:03):
Because she wanted her sin to be she wanted to
repent for her sin in this liferather than being punished for
it in the day of judgment.
So she wanted to bear the thatpunishment and like that pain,
that physical pain and theemotional pain of like being
publicly stoned uh rather thanto answer it, uh to answer for
(06:25):
it on the day of judgment,subhanAllah.
SPEAKER_01 (06:28):
Wow, that's another level of faith.
Yeah.
Uh okay, so let's move on to thenext example.
Um, this Sahaba's name is Ma'azal-Aslami.
Did I say that right?
SPEAKER_00 (06:38):
His name is Ma'az Al-Aslami.
SPEAKER_01 (06:40):
Okay.
It was close.
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (06:42):
Close enough.
And it's a very, very, verysimilar story.
He committed zinah.
And he came to the Prophet andhe confessed.
Same thing.
The Prophet every time pretendednot to hear him.
He turned him away multipletimes.
But he insisted and insisted andkept coming until the punishment
was carried out.
And there were some sahaba likewho uh like spoke badly about
(07:05):
him or cursed him.
And uh the same thing with theRamadiyya story.
Some people like cursed her, andthen the Prophet said no, like
their repentance, her repentanceor his repentance, like if it's
divided, if it gets divided uhover the mankind, it would be
more than enough.
Like they're they're so pureright now, they're pure, more
(07:26):
pure than other people.
SPEAKER_01 (07:27):
Because they were sincere in their repentance,
exactly, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (07:30):
And they tolerated the punishment.
SPEAKER_01 (07:33):
Yeah, so there's multiple lessons to be learned
from from these stories.
But one more story before we getinto that.
Uh this Sahaba's name, orSahabi's name, sorry, is Hind
Bitund Rutbah.
SPEAKER_00 (07:45):
Yeah, so of course, the famous Hind, uh, the wife of
uh Abu Sufyan, she's she's knownfor oh my god, she's known for
eating the the flesh or the theliver of uh yeah of uh the
sahabi Hamza uh Radiallahuana.
So she had uh a very darkhistory, you could say, uh
pre-Islam, prior to her Islam.
(08:07):
And when she became Muslim, shegave bayah to the Prophet.
The Prophet never asked herabout her past, never brought it
up, and she's a Sahabiyyah.
We say Radiallahuana.
SPEAKER_02 (08:18):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (08:18):
So the the lesson to learn from all of these stories
is that what's in the past is inthe past.
Uh as long as you repented,repented, that's between you and
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
And once you repent, you are aspure as any other person.
SPEAKER_01 (08:34):
I don't understand how these stories relate to
somebody who's trying to getmarried.
Because when you're trying toget married, your past carries
with you and can potentiallyaffect the other person.
SPEAKER_00 (08:46):
So that's exactly the the question we wanna
explore.
What to share, what should beshared and what shouldn't be
shared.
SPEAKER_01 (08:53):
Okay, so let's go through a few specific examples.
Of course, a common one is debt.
To what extent should you besharing how much debt you have?
Maybe it's just uh a small loanto a person or student debt.
I mean, debt varies, right?
So how would you tackle thatconversation?
SPEAKER_00 (09:12):
Yeah, that should be disclosed because it's something
that will affect your futuremarriage, especially if we're
talking about something big,like you said, student debt or
uh a mortgage or something likethat.
Um, because yeah, uh like Isaid, it's gonna affect your
future finances and your futurespouse has the right to know
about it.
SPEAKER_01 (09:31):
Okay.
Uh health.
SPEAKER_00 (09:33):
So any health condition that will affect your
future marriage should bedisclosed.
Whether that's a mental healthissue, someone is bipolar or has
has deep depression, not had,has depression, that should be
disclosed.
Of course, STDs, that definitelyshould be uh uh disclosed.
And there are ways to disclosethere's specific uh
(09:55):
circumstances.
Anything that carries into yourfuture relationship should be
disclosed.
Uh what else did you mention?
Addictions.
Addiction.
If it's a current addiction,should be discussed and
mentioned.
Uh whether we're talking aboutgambling, porn, um, drugs,
alcohol, your spouse has theright to know about it and make
(10:16):
their own choice.
SPEAKER_01 (10:18):
Now that's kind of speaking idealistically.
I mean, if we all know that ifyou know a person shares these
things, then their chances ofgetting married is pretty much
slim to none.
So the the bigger issue andthing that we should be tackling
is dealing with these issues andtrying to rid them as best as
possible, especially if it's anaddiction, prior to marriage.
SPEAKER_00 (10:40):
Of course, of course.
That's always the best solution.
Like uh prevention is betterthan the cure, right?
Yeah.
So of course, uh like we said inthe previous episode, your
single days are your golden daysin terms of self-improvement,
whether it's physical, whetherit's uh overcoming an addiction,
whether it's um finances, uh uhself-growth, all of that.
(11:04):
But if you're already talking tosomeone for the purpose of
marriage and things are movingand you're now discussing maybe
engagement or marriage, then notdisclosing a current health
condition or a currentaddiction, that's deception.
Being practical doesn't meanthat you all like deceive
people.
So we have to distinguish.
SPEAKER_01 (11:24):
Right.
So going back to the Zina topic,um, because that was kind of the
running theme between thoseexamples and stories we shared.
Um yeah, let's just be veryclear that if you did commit
Zina in the past, your numberone, your match does not have
the right to ask.
But let's say she does ask or hedoes ask.
(11:45):
Um, what do you do in thatsituation?
SPEAKER_00 (11:48):
So Islamically you're not obligated to share,
by the way.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Especially and in all thesecases like of past sins, we're
talking about someone whosincerely repented, who uh have
cut this action off, uh who'slike working on on building a
better life.
We're not talking about someonewho's like currently involved in
(12:10):
these sins, right?
And your repentance is betweenyou and Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala.
You know if you were sincere ornot.
But that's besides the point.
Uh so yeah, you're not supposedto ask.
And if you're asked, what do youdo?
That's a question.
Do you lie?
Do you just be upfront?
SPEAKER_01 (12:28):
I think, in my opinion, um you just uh come
back to the deen and say thatyou know um Islamically you
don't have the right to ask, andum, you know, I understand that
might be a concern to you, butum, you know, whatever I have or
haven't done in the past isbetween me and Allah.
SPEAKER_00 (12:48):
That's just gonna create some more suspicious
suspicion.
SPEAKER_01 (12:52):
Yeah, true, but you know, I'm not gonna let her
abuse my rights.
It's my right to conceal and andnot share that.
So I'm not gonna let her takeadvantage.
SPEAKER_00 (13:04):
Okay, well and the beginning.
SPEAKER_01 (13:05):
What would you do?
Like uh you know, we're goingthrough our courting phase and I
ask you that question.
What would you do?
SPEAKER_00 (13:11):
So being someone who has alhamdulillah never
committed that, I would justtell you like straight ahead,
no.
I would tell you no.
SPEAKER_01 (13:19):
But wouldn't you be offended by the fact that I even
asked?
I don't know, offended by therespectful of your Islamic
right?
SPEAKER_00 (13:26):
It's so it depends on the way you ask, the way
someone asks.
If someone just straight outcomes and asks, are you a
virgin?
SPEAKER_01 (13:34):
Have you committed zin in the given we've gone past
the icebreaker stage and we'vedeveloped some comfortability
and somehow, some way, I mean,there's very few ways to beat
around the bush.
At some point, you know, he'slike he's trying to work his way
up to saying, Okay, so do youhave a past?
Right?
Like he finds some sneaky way tobring it up.
So and you know what he'stalking about.
SPEAKER_00 (13:56):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (13:57):
I mean, how would you feel?
SPEAKER_00 (13:59):
In the beginning, I would say that's not your place
and that's not your right toask.
And uh then I would justhonestly answer the question
because not answering thequestion just draws more
suspicion.
But it's very important to pointout that virginity is not
required for marriage, andvirginity is not a sign of
(14:20):
chastity.
You could have lost yourvirginity due to a mistake
you've done, but if yourepented, you are as chaste as
any other woman.
SPEAKER_01 (14:29):
Okay, and spiritually speaking.
SPEAKER_00 (14:32):
That's very important.
SPEAKER_01 (14:33):
That's spiritually speaking, not physically
speaking.
SPEAKER_00 (14:36):
You are chaste.
SPEAKER_01 (14:37):
Not physically speaking, physiologically
speaking.
SPEAKER_00 (14:41):
Okay, be careful about the words you do, you use.
So you are chaste physically andspiritually.
You're not a virgin, but itdoesn't mean you're not chaste.
SPEAKER_01 (14:50):
Okay, so what do we mean by chaste?
SPEAKER_00 (14:53):
Someone who is who doesn't carry current sins,
someone who's not involved in inspecific sins right now, at this
m at the moment that I'm talkingto you about the for the purpose
of marriage.
That's what it means.
SPEAKER_01 (15:05):
Chase, the definition of the word chaste,
if I may the definition ofchaste is abstaining from
extramarital or from all sexualintercourse, not having any
sexual nature or intentionwithout unnecessary
ornamentation.
So you're incorrect.
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (15:24):
Okay.
I guess maybe that's thedefinition of Google.
SPEAKER_01 (15:30):
And they pull it from the Oxford Dictionary, so
I'm sure it's not.
SPEAKER_00 (15:33):
But we we have our own Islamic understanding.
SPEAKER_01 (15:36):
Yes, so you might be spiritually chaste.
There's so you have todistinguish between the two.
Okay.
And when um and when men areasking about that, they're not
talking about whether or not areyou spiritually chased?
Have you rebended repented toAllah?
Let's be real, they're askingwhether or not if your hymen's
intact.
SPEAKER_00 (15:52):
And there that's I'm glad you mentioned that, because
this is something that mostpeople don't know, and I would
bet like 99% of men don't know,even women, that your hymen
might be torn, but not becauseof uh an intercourse, but
because of an injury, because ofuh health condition.
(16:12):
Uh some women even or broken, Ithink the more appropriate term
is broken.
Broken, okay.
And some women on there could bevirgin, but on the wedding night
they don't bleed.
And so if we don't have theproper education about this, uh
very awful things could happen.
SPEAKER_03 (16:28):
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (16:28):
Yeah.
So that's important to mind.
And I think that um in ourdiscussion with uh uh sex
educator Amira Zaki, shementioned that as well.
SPEAKER_01 (16:37):
Oh, I have to go back to that episode.
SPEAKER_00 (16:39):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
To be practical, if your fianceis expecting virginity on the
wedding night, then concealingit like risks humiliation or
even instant divorce, becausethe man might feel like he's
betrayed.
So it's better to disclose it,even though you're not obligated
Islamically, it's better todisclose in a dignified way.
Just use general terms.
(17:01):
Uh something like I've mademistakes in the past uh and I
moved on.
If virginity is something that'suh a deal breaker for you or an
absolute requirement for you, uhI want to be upfront.
SPEAKER_01 (17:13):
No guy will ever come out and say, hey, it's a
deal breaker for me.
I mean, most cases it's good theguy is entering a relationship
assuming that.
It's kind of a lose-losesituation.
If you if you don't do it, thenif you don't disclose that, then
you run the risk of your husbandlearning about it later and you
know, oh hell breaking loose.
(17:33):
And if you do, then you riskruining a potential match.
SPEAKER_00 (17:37):
So there are some ways to tell if he's the kind
who expects it, like of courseevery guy expects virginity, but
if he's the guy who's gonna likemake like a big deal out of, or
if it's gonna be a deal breakerfor him.
For example, if you know theperson you're speaking to is
more like on the traditionalside, more like old-fashioned,
(17:58):
right?
Then it's a sign.
Or if he's someone who mentionsit in different ways, I don't
know.
Maybe he mentioned somethingpassively, maybe he's the type
who would um just hint towardsit.
So then it's it's another sign.
But if you know him to be moreof a like an open-minded guy, or
(18:21):
who has like real real deen,real Islam, who's like
understands that we makemistakes and we move on, who has
taqwa and fear of Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala.
Um, or if you know he is uhsomeone to like to be
judgmental, or if you know he'sthe kind of person who flips
immediately, or who's um uh likedoesn't take time to think and
(18:44):
process, who's emotional, thenthese are signs that maybe you
should disclose, but withoutbeing specific.
I've made mistakes in the past,I've repented, and uh right now
I'm trying to build a halalmarriage.
SPEAKER_01 (18:58):
So the important thing to point out is that
there's not a one-size-fits-allsolution.
SPEAKER_00 (19:03):
Exactly.
It's not black and white.
SPEAKER_01 (19:05):
Black and white.
SPEAKER_00 (19:06):
Black and white.
SPEAKER_01 (19:06):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (19:07):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (19:07):
Okay, fair enough.
So the important question to beasking is does concealment mean
betrayal?
Again, it's there's noone-size-fits-all answer to this
question, is there?
SPEAKER_00 (19:21):
Yeah, I guess it depends on the situation.
It does depend on the other.
If it's something, if it's oneof those uh uh circumstances or
cases we've discussed in thebeginning, like an STD, like um
a huge debt, like uh an ongoingaddiction, then yeah, it is a
betrayal, not to mention it.
But if it's something in thepast that's not gonna affect
your future marriage, thenthat's not betrayal, that's more
(19:43):
protecting your dignity, that'sconcealing what Allah has
concealed, protecting what Allahhas concealed.
SPEAKER_01 (19:49):
But yeah, go ahead.
SPEAKER_00 (19:50):
Just want to mention one thing before moving on from
the topic of virginity.
Uh, I kind of hinted at to it inthe beginning, which is that
double standards that oursociety or community has, which
is like it's disgusting,honestly.
It's disgusting.
Yeah, and you know what?
A lot you know what's going inthe minds of a lot of Muslim
(20:12):
women is that most men havecommitted zina.
But it's har yes, yes, it's hardto find a guy who didn't commit
zina.
So I'm not gonna ask even.
I'm not gonna think about it.
SPEAKER_03 (20:23):
Wow.
SPEAKER_00 (20:24):
Because, like I said, every woman who committed
zina, she committed it with aman.
Why isn't it as big of a dealfor women than it is for men?
And also some women are awarethat the men have committed
zina, some way or another.
Maybe he confessed, maybe andthey still go ahead with it.
SPEAKER_01 (20:41):
Interesting.
SPEAKER_00 (20:42):
Yeah.
Don't you feel that this is uhlike hypocrisy in our community,
especially from families, frommen?
SPEAKER_01 (20:52):
Yeah, I think it's just something that is like
virginity, for example, is justsomething that is more of a
concern to guys and girls ingeneral, I think.
SPEAKER_00 (21:03):
Yeah, that's so that's what we're discussing.
Why?
Because Islamically, you're blike your both.
SPEAKER_01 (21:08):
Let's take the Quran for example.
Why is it that the Quranmentions that we'll get 40
virgins in heaven?
No, no, no, no, that the No nono notion is.
That's a good point.
No, let me expand upon that.
Why?
And why is it that is nothinglike that is mentioned for
women?
Because Allah knows what womendesire, what they want, right?
SPEAKER_00 (21:27):
And so that's why actually, to be accurate, it
doesn't mention in the Quranthat the guy will get 40
virgins.
SPEAKER_01 (21:34):
Okay, but the the idea of I mean uh Surah Naba.
Well, what is the uh um you knowthe verse that I'm talking about
maidens in heaven, yeah, right?
Yeah, not forty virgins, butthere is a reference to getting
uh in heaven, right?
Yeah, because but the the samething isn't mentioned for women,
right?
Because the Pro Allah subhanahuwa ta'ala knows what men desire,
(21:56):
right?
Okay, which is pure chastewomen.
SPEAKER_03 (21:59):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (21:59):
Right?
So expanding upon that, why isthere such a double standard?
Because that's just how we'rebiologically wired.
SPEAKER_00 (22:06):
But uh but but it doesn't make it right.
It didn't work to the Quran, youknow, going back to the Quran.
SPEAKER_01 (22:12):
Regardless of whether it makes it right or
not, it's just how we're wired,that we desire pure chaste
women, but right more than men,women desire pure chaste men.
SPEAKER_00 (22:22):
You you want to go to the Quran?
Let's go to the Quran.
Where it does.
SPEAKER_01 (22:25):
Okay, well, you have a master's degree, so I'm gonna
be defeated in this.
SPEAKER_00 (22:29):
No, actually, it's an ayah you know.
In Surah Tanur.
What is the punishment of azani?
And here now we're talking aboutunmarried um, we're not talking
about adultery, we're nottalking about zina for unmarried
people.
Fajli do Fajlidu kulla wahedimmin human mi'atajalda.
(22:49):
The zaniya and the zani, uh whatis the word for jild?
Whip.
Whip.
Whip each each one of them, ahundred uh whips.
It's the same punishment.
And it's like, you know what?
I feel like Allah subhanahu wata'ala knows that we're gonna
think that, oh, the woman shouldget more punishment, a bigger
(23:11):
punishment than the man, andthat's why he said, Kulla wahadi
minhuma, each one of them.
So if the punishment is thesame, why should our judgment be
different?
SPEAKER_01 (23:20):
It's not about judgment or punishment, it's
about how we're biologicallywired.
It's how Allah subhanahu wata'ala created us.
That men desire certain thingsand women desire certain things.
And for men, a deep desirewithin us, I feel, um connecting
back to the ayah just mentioned,is pure chaste women.
And so whether you want to callit a double standard, or you
(23:43):
want to call it hypocrisy,whatever term you want to use,
that's just how we'rebiologically wired, and that's
why we search for that.
SPEAKER_00 (23:48):
So wait.
Are do men like desire versionwomen because of the pleasure
that comes with it, or becausethe the the purity, they want
someone pure?
SPEAKER_01 (24:00):
Uh I think both, a mix of both.
SPEAKER_00 (24:02):
Because if it's about the pleasure, then that's
just utter hypocrisy.
Like they they don't care aboutwomen who like they don't care
if they themselves commit zina,but when it's like time for
their pleasure, they wantaversion.
That's pure hypocrisy.
But if it's about purity, thensame thing.
Women you think women enjoysleeping with a man who's been
(24:25):
like who slept with other womenbefore marriage?
unknown (24:27):
No.
SPEAKER_01 (24:27):
I'm not saying that.
I'm not saying that, but I thinkthat I mean it's just one of
those ironies where we're nevergonna know what it's like
because we've never been in theopposite gender shoes.
But I think just the idea of aman being with multiple I mean
the idea of a woman being withmultiple partners is more
distasteful than probably for awoman knowing that a man has
(24:51):
been with multiple partners, Ithink.
No?
SPEAKER_00 (24:53):
Well, maybe somehow be and that's why like men are
allowed to marry up to fourwomen at a time and women are
not.
SPEAKER_01 (25:00):
There you go.
You see again the beauty of ourdeen is that it connects back to
our fitra.
Yeah, right?
Like the the the the the thingsthat we get rewarded with and uh
the the sharia, it all connectsback to our fitra and somehow,
somewhat.
SPEAKER_00 (25:15):
But at the same time, also our deen came to
correct some beliefs and somejudgments we may have.
Like, for example, Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala knows that
the society is gonna be judgingwomen more than men who
committed the same mistake, andthat's why Allah came out and
said and said it clearly, eachone of them.
So just because like we broughtup to think this, or because
(25:37):
like it's our like innerdesires, it doesn't mean that
it's right.
And the Islam came to correctthis.
So it's not like an excuse, ohit's built in.
No, it's something that shouldbe corrected with the deen.
SPEAKER_01 (25:51):
I think double standard hypocrisy is one thing,
and understanding what our fitrais is another thing.
SPEAKER_03 (25:58):
Maybe.
SPEAKER_01 (25:58):
And maybe we're just kind of debating apples in a
water.
Maybe, maybe.
But there is one thing I want tocome back to, which is that a
woman doesn't always bleed onthe wedding night.
So you won't always know if yourwife's a virgin or not.
That's the point I'm making.
Yeah.
So it's you're better off notasking because for you to assume
(26:19):
that she wasn't a virgin justbecause she didn't bleed the
wedding night is kind offoolish.
It's a it's uh it's aninaccurate conclusion to be
making.
Yeah, yeah.
Right?
And uh and a lot of like on.
Why ask?
I mean, the most importantthing, of course, you should be
asking, right, is STDs.
Well well.
I mean, in a respectful,dignified way, I mean, given the
(26:41):
times that we're living in, askabout STDs.
SPEAKER_00 (26:44):
So actually, it's the person who has STD who it's
his responsibility to share it.
But unfortunately, because somepeople don't share, you find
yourself in a situation whereyou have to ask, and I remember
in an ideal situation the personwould share, but we don't live
in ideal situations.
I remember with our uh inconversation with Habib Akande,
do you remember what he evenrecommended?
SPEAKER_01 (27:04):
I don't.
SPEAKER_00 (27:05):
You should have the person get tested.
Oh yeah, and you yourself aswell.
You get tested and show them theresult.
SPEAKER_01 (27:13):
Wow.
SPEAKER_00 (27:13):
Yeah, because you see there's a lot of uh distrust
between people.
SPEAKER_01 (27:20):
Yeah, I think that's uh another episode we should uh
dedicate towards how much totrust.
What to what degree should youtake that leap of faith?
Yeah.
I don't know.
Maybe another topic for anotherday.
SPEAKER_03 (27:32):
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (27:34):
If you're overwhelmed and burdened and
just don't know where to seekhelp, let us help you.
We can be your personalmatchmakers.
Visit us at halalmatch.ca andbook a free call with us.
In fertility.
It is a topic that we definitelydid not dive into during our
(27:54):
courting phase.
I feel it's a topic that doesn'tget much attention.
I think people just assume thatoh, we're gonna get married and
have kids and live happily everafter, and can have 10 babies
and a beautiful life.
SPEAKER_00 (28:06):
Yeah, because most people who end up having
fertility problems they are notaware of it before marriage.
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (28:11):
And it does work both ways.
I mean, the guy could have a lowsperm count, he can um deal with
be dealing with impotence, andthe girl on the other side could
be dealing with a whole host ofissues.
Yeah, yeah.
So what do we do?
SPEAKER_00 (28:26):
If you want to take the extra step and getting
tested before getting married,that would save you and your
future spouse a lot of umfrustration and heartache.
And on the other hand, there aresome cases where you know that
you have some issues.
Like for a guy, he could havehad an accident in his area, or
(28:48):
maybe he had prostate cancer, orwhatever it is.
Like lack of proper bloodcirculation down here, yeah,
some yeah, or a woman could havehad like, I don't know, ovarian
cancer, or she had an accidentas well.
So if you know uh in advancethat you have fertility
problems, it is your uhobligation to share.
(29:09):
And not sharing, that'sdeception.
That's haram.
SPEAKER_01 (29:14):
Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
Uh family baggage is anotherone.
Oh yeah, that's um, yeah, we runinto these situations with um
with clients where they come outof abusive relationships, so
there's past trauma.
Uh we actually just recall aconversation we had uh barely
two weeks ago of a girl who wassaying that uh her she had an
(29:37):
abusive sister uh who would umjust call her names and tell her
she would never get married andjust say the cruelest things.
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (29:46):
So the family baggage could show up in
different ways, like controllingparents.
Like these these parents aregonna end up being his or her
parents in law.
So like Islamically, are youobligated to share?
No.
But should you yes, because itshould it can.
It will it will affect thequality of your future marriage.
SPEAKER_01 (30:03):
Right.
Now just remember the way ourdeen is structured is that it
provides a basic framework,right?
And so it's not prescriptive.
It doesn't tell you specificallystep by step do this, do don't
don't do this, do this, don't dothis, right?
It's a basic framework of halaland haram and essentially in
most cases deals with extremesituations, right?
(30:25):
Now, going back to this topic,should you share, should you not
share.
Now there are things that ofcourse execute common sense, use
your best judgment, things likethat.
But yeah, like you said, it'snot like the Quran says that you
are, or the hadith says you arerequired to share in this
circumstance, right?
SPEAKER_00 (30:42):
Like some marriages use common sense.
Yeah.
Some marriages fail because ofcontrolling parents.
And I just recently heard heardof a situation.
Uh so in those cases, you shouldyou should share in your own
way.
SPEAKER_01 (30:54):
Yeah.
Um something else to avoid,trauma dumping.
So I remember this situation nottoo long ago.
It was actually probably a year,maybe a year and a half ago,
where we took two clients out ona double date, and the girl had
been in a previous relationship,it was an abusive relationship,
and at the double date, she juststarted trauma dumping.
SPEAKER_00 (31:16):
The first meeting.
SPEAKER_01 (31:17):
At the first meeting, and uh when we found
out about this, we were justshocked.
That and it just goes back tohow we constantly tell each
other that there's so manythings that we just feel a
common sense that you should andshouldn't do when meeting
someone for the first time, andtrauma dumping is definitely one
of them.
SPEAKER_00 (31:34):
And I remember in another case.
SPEAKER_01 (31:36):
It's like the key quickest and easiest way to kill
a double date.
SPEAKER_00 (31:39):
Yeah, in another case, um, it was also a double
date, first meeting.
Yeah, and the guy just sharedthat in the past he used to
drink.
SPEAKER_01 (31:48):
Yeah, yeah.
And it like immediately You'retalking about uh the older older
couple that we took out.
SPEAKER_00 (31:53):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And there was no absolutely noneed.
Like Alhamdulillah, you don'tdrink anymore.
Why why did you have to go andshare?
SPEAKER_01 (32:00):
I don't know.
People and it's usually no, inthis case it was the guy.
SPEAKER_00 (32:04):
It was the guy, and she didn't ask, it's not like
she asked.
SPEAKER_01 (32:07):
I don't know.
And this is why we have to domini coaching sessions in
between, you know, releasingcontact information or
introducing clients to oneanother.
Yeah.
But regardless, um, don't traumadump.
I understand that you want toshare things and and m make sure
that your match is wellinformed, but they don't need to
(32:27):
know everything, you know.
SPEAKER_00 (32:28):
Especially if it's like in the past, nothing.
It's in the past.
You don't need to give upbiography of sins.
SPEAKER_01 (32:35):
Exactly, exactly.
SPEAKER_00 (32:36):
Okay, if you must ask, if like your skin is
itching you to ask about aspecific sin, how to go about
it?
SPEAKER_01 (32:44):
That's tough.
Um, it depends on what it is.
I'd say you need to do someself-reflection first, to be
honest.
Like, why do you want to know?
Why is it so important to you?
Um, I don't know what issomething that is really
important for women that theywould be itching to ask.
SPEAKER_00 (33:00):
Like right now, we hear a lot about how common porn
addiction is, especially formen.
And sometimes it's not just inthe past.
And you want to know is this guyI'm marrying addicted to porn?
Does he watch porn?
Is he gonna leave me in thebedroom to go and and watch
things?
So that's the thing.
(33:21):
How how to ask?
Uh so first of all, don't makeit into an interrogation.
Don't actually before that,don't ask from like the first or
second meeting.
After you've built a level oflike trust and comfortability,
and you feel like you reallyhave to know, and like whether
it's about porn addiction orvirginity or whatever like
(33:44):
health problems or whatever,don't make it into an
interrogation.
It's just gonna make the firstthe person feel defensive and
offended.
SPEAKER_01 (33:51):
Okay, so we've done the icebreakers, we're
comfortable, we've had uh two orthree Zoom calls.
How are you gonna ask me if Ihave a porn addiction?
SPEAKER_00 (33:58):
So before you ask directly, you can ask
value-based questions.
Like, what is one thing you'restruggling with right now?
Okay, what is one thing you'reopen-ended general?
SPEAKER_01 (34:09):
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (34:09):
What is one thing you're working on uh improving
or a bad habit you have?
SPEAKER_01 (34:14):
But isn't that beating around the bush?
unknown (34:16):
No.
SPEAKER_00 (34:16):
So there are stages like before you amputate, you
try to treat the wound, right?
SPEAKER_02 (34:24):
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (34:25):
Okay, what life experiences shape your uh shape
you the most, for example?
Is there this is another onethat's a little bit like more to
the point.
Is there anything from your pastthat would affect our marriage
going forward?
Now you can ask all thequestions and questions in the
world.
If you don't trust this person,then you can trust their
(34:46):
answers.
So it goes back to trust.
Do you trust you can't trustsomebody you've just been
talking to or that's no, that'swhy I said you ask after you
built a level of comfortability,uh like you know you're serious
about each other.
Maybe before the engagement youask, but you don't ask in the
beginning.
SPEAKER_01 (35:06):
Yeah, of course not.
You'd be an idiot to ask.
That's like asking aboutchildren in the first date.
SPEAKER_00 (35:10):
Exactly.
SPEAKER_01 (35:10):
Like, so how many children you want to have?
SPEAKER_00 (35:12):
Yeah.
So if like if you directly askabout virginity or past
relationships, then be preparedto handle the answers with
maturity, or don't ask at all.
SPEAKER_02 (35:22):
Yeah, I agree.
SPEAKER_00 (35:23):
Yeah.
And if sharing now, the um theother person, if you're sharing,
timing matters.
So, like I said, wait until therelationship is serious, but
before like the Nika, of course.
Uh use general and dignifiedlanguage.
I've made mistakes, I'veregretted them, and I've
repented, and I'm committed to ahalal marriage, halal future.
(35:46):
Uh oh, don't give details thatcould backfire against you.
Don't share like specificstories and names and numbers
and graphic details.
Oh God.
SPEAKER_01 (35:58):
A few real life scenarios we can go through.
Um, one is, for example, asister who has a history of
depression.
Uh, she's worked through it.
Now alhamdulillah, she's in astable state.
She should disclose it in apositive frame.
And one way to do that is, forexample, saying, I've managed
depression, I know how to takecare of myself, it's part of my
(36:21):
journey, but it won't stop mefrom being a supportive spouse.
Right?
How do you feel about that?
SPEAKER_00 (36:27):
Yeah, absolutely.
Of course.
SPEAKER_01 (36:28):
Um my personal take is that it could work either
against her or for her.
SPEAKER_00 (36:35):
Why would it work against her?
SPEAKER_01 (36:37):
Because as a guy, when I'm hearing this, I'm
thinking, okay, this could comeback.
Well, that like this could be apotentially damaging
relationship because this girlhas a history of that, who's to
say that you know, she'scompletely recovered from it.
SPEAKER_00 (36:57):
And the guy could suddenly have depression out of
nowhere.
Like, you know, with uh I thinkschizophrenia, like people who
get schizophrenia, like theystart showing signs like in
their 30s or 40s, right?
So like anything could happen.
You know, this reminds me of ourconversation with uh Rabia,
(37:19):
Rabia Khudr.
Um she this was a great episode.
We discussed the topic ofdisability and why it's uh like
a deal breaker for most people.
She's a she's a a great pioneerwoman, and uh she said that
there was a situation where um Ithink the brother married a
blind uh sister, or the sistermarried a blind a blind uh
(37:41):
brother.
And somebody asked, like, uh,like how come like like you
married a blind person?
Like, how did you go why wouldyou go through a relationship
like this from the beginning?
And the other person said, Well,they could like become blind
later in life, like nothing isguaranteed.
So she had depression in thepast, now she's doing well,
(38:03):
she's stable.
What if she develops it in thefuture?
Well, what if he developsdepression in the past?
SPEAKER_01 (38:08):
Come on now, that's that's a bit unfair.
Like she has a history of it,but now she's okay.
I I'd honestly be a bit hesitantin moving ahead with this girl.
SPEAKER_00 (38:16):
I think if it was something more threatening, more
serious than depression, likelet's say, I don't know, uh
someone who has um I don't know,manic depression or bipolar.
SPEAKER_01 (38:28):
Okay, let me throw a scenario at you.
You're speaking to a guy, heconfesses that he has a history
of alcoholism.
Um, he's worked through it, nowhe's in a better state.
Would you still move ahead?
SPEAKER_00 (38:42):
If he's completely over it, yes, I would move
ahead.
Why would I judge him for hispast?
SPEAKER_01 (38:48):
But it's It's not about judging, it's just being
aware of the fact that thiscould come back.
SPEAKER_00 (38:54):
Well, it's not like alcoholism, it's not like a
disease that comes back.
If you surround yourself withright company and you stay away
from places where there'sdrinking and like with friends
who drink and all of that,you're protecting yourself and
you are still maybe I don'tknow, seeking uh support,
whether it's AA, what is itcalled?
(39:15):
AA or whatever kind of supportit is.
SPEAKER_01 (39:18):
Well, I don't know if alcoholism is something that
can come back.
Well maybe it is.
I don't know.
SPEAKER_00 (39:23):
But no, I no, if I know that the person like it's
completely behind them, thenyeah, I would go.
SPEAKER_01 (39:29):
Or let's say he's working through it and he's
going to AA, so he's kind ofjust in like the rehabilitation
stage.
SPEAKER_00 (39:37):
So yeah, I would wait until he's completely over
it, until he's in a betterplace, and maybe I can support
him.
I don't know how.
But uh no, I wouldn't go throughthe marriage until I know he's
completely over it.
SPEAKER_01 (39:51):
Okay, fair point.
Let's try another scenario.
A revert with a past.
Now we all know that when aperson converts, that Islam
wipes their slate clean, and uhnow the focus is on who they are
now and not who they were.
Right?
So I think this one's ano-brainer.
(40:12):
You can't judge a revert ontheir past.
They're they're completelythey're like a newborn baby at
this point.
SPEAKER_00 (40:17):
You would think you would think that this is a
no-brainer, but unfortunately, alot of families are against
marrying uh a revert, especiallytheir daughter marrying a
revert, because they're like, wedon't know anything about his
past.
What if he did this?
What if he did that?
And that's just utter ignorance.
SPEAKER_01 (40:34):
Okay.
Now I'm trying to think outsideof the box.
Like, what if it was I don'tknow, just a crazy scenario that
just came to mind?
A guy who was who met a girl whohad a past as a pornographic
actress and her stuff's on theinternet, uh, and she's working
hard to remove it, but it'sstill accessible.
(40:56):
Um, but she's a revert now, andit's behind her, but she has
that past.
Would I move forward with that?
I don't think so.
SPEAKER_00 (41:05):
Really?
SPEAKER_01 (41:06):
Would you would you move forward with a guy who has
that past?
SPEAKER_00 (41:09):
If I know that they are committed to their dean,
they're working hard to get itremoved from the internet.
SPEAKER_01 (41:14):
And he's famous on the internet, even like let's
say his video footage has beenremoved, but his name is known.
SPEAKER_00 (41:20):
Yeah, but because you know what?
Like somebody has to give them achance.
If everyone keeps rejectingthem, they're just gonna go back
to their like old days.
SPEAKER_01 (41:28):
That's true.
SPEAKER_00 (41:29):
So you know what?
SPEAKER_01 (41:30):
I may yeah, I guess maybe I'm a bit judgmental.
SPEAKER_00 (41:32):
You know what?
Like all the sahaba, not all thesahaba, but a huge majority of
the sahaba, actually, maybe allthe sahaba, they used to be
non-Muslim.
And they used to like commiteverything that's awful that
comes with like Jahiliyya.
But now we say Radiallahu anhom.
SPEAKER_01 (41:52):
Yeah.
I don't know.
I'm a terrible person, I know.
SPEAKER_00 (41:57):
I don't know.
Everyone's person, everyone'stolerance is different, and uh
but yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (42:03):
Yeah, I don't know, maybe that's just my bias or
judgment coming out.
SPEAKER_00 (42:07):
If Allah has forgiven them and once they're
become Muslim, they're like likea newborn person with zero
mistakes.
So who are we to shut the door?
SPEAKER_01 (42:19):
Yeah, I guess you're right.
So we want you guys to keep afew things in mind before we
wrap up.
That ultimately marriage isabout who you are today, not who
you were.
And uh the kind of person youare, and yes, you know, there
are certain things from yourpast that should be disclosed if
they're carrying over into yourmarriage, like an STD, for
example.
But in general, most thingsdon't need to be revealed to a
(42:43):
potential match.
I would say arguably maybe 90%,if I was to give it a number.
So make that the focus.
When you are assessingcompatibility, try to assess who
they are today, what are thegoals, what are their future
aspirations, what are theirvalues, things like that.
And don't try to just make it aninterrogation about who they
were, right?
Um, concealment is notdishonesty when it's done to
(43:06):
protect someone's dignity,right?
Like if somebody has repentedand they're trying to move on
and move past their mistakes, ina way they're trying to preserve
their dignity.
Yeah.
And that's important to notetoo.
SPEAKER_00 (43:18):
Yeah, yeah.
And you know what, just uhbecause you mentioned
concealment, um, if you decideyou want to share something
about your past, share it withthat, with your future spouse
and not with their family.
Because a lot of times familiesare more judgmental than the
person.
SPEAKER_01 (43:34):
That's true.
Yeah, that's true.
SPEAKER_00 (43:36):
Yeah.
Let's leave you guys with thisquestion.
So if you were in thissituation, would you want to
know everything about yourfuture spouse, or would you
rather they prove to you thatthey have changed?
What matters to you more?
Their past or their present?
SPEAKER_01 (43:51):
Yeah, it's a good question.
Okay.
Hopefully this benefited youguys.
Feel free to share yourcomments.
Um if you guys have a uniquestory you want to share with us.
We're always uh looking to havepeople on our podcast that have
unique stories.
Um, so shoot us an email atinfothalalmatch.ca.
We'd love to hear it.
SPEAKER_00 (44:12):
We're not inviting you to come and share your past
sins, by the way.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (44:16):
Of course, we would never do that.
Until next time.
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