April 4, 2025 • 43 mins
In this episode, we’re diving into the world of halal courting with the incredible Lama Aboubakr, a relationship coach who specializes in helping Muslims attract the right person they truly deserve. Let’s face it—sometimes, past experiences and old patterns can hold us back from finding the fulfilling relationship we long for. But Lama’s here to show us how to break free from those cycles and shift our mindset.
Lama shares powerful insights on building self-awareness, understanding attachment styles, and improving communication—all crucial steps in attracting the right partner. Her approach helps you work on yourself, so you can become the kind of person who not only deserves a great relationship but is ready to build one too.
Tune in to discover how to approach the search for a spouse with confidence, patience, and clarity, knowing that when you do the inner work, the right person will come your way.
Check out Lama's website here and follow her on Instagram here.
Got a dilemma or story? The Single Muslim Hotline is here for you! We’ll play your anonymous messages in future episodes and offer real talk. Drop us a voice note 👇🏻
https://www.speakpipe.com/DiaryOfAMatchmaker
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What happens with time?
You build up resentment whenreally the truth is you didn't
want to question it and speak upand be yourself, because you
didn't want to rock the boat orruin it, because you just wanted
to be married, because you'recoming from a desperate place.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
Speaker 3 (00:13):
And I'm Zaid.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 3 (00:16):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
So let's dive in.
Assalamu alaikum everyone,welcome to another episode, my
name is Hiba, and on the othermic is my husband and co-host,
zaid.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Assalamu alaikum everyone.
Welcome back after Ramadan.
We hope you guys had a greatRamadan.
And yeah, we are back and wehave a special guest with us
today Lama Abu Bakr,relationship Coach.
Thank you, lama, for joining us.
Of course, I'm glad to be here,I'm glad to have you.
So in the beginning, can youplease tell the audience a
little bit about yourself, whatyou do and what led you to do
(00:57):
that?
Speaker 1 (00:59):
Yeah, so I help Muslims get married and I help
Muslims get into the mindset ofhow to approach this process in
a very easy, efficient way.
And the reason that got me, whatgot me here, is when I was
going through this process alone, by myself, I realized there
was a lot of things that wouldtrigger me, a lot of things that
(01:21):
would bother me, and I wantedto become someone where it
wasn't that hard.
I just wanted it to be easy,and so I you know I hired a
coach.
I helped myself reallyunderstand myself and understand
my own triggers, and I realizedthe more I improved myself, the
better quality potentials thatI got, because the way I talk,
(01:44):
the way I approach things wasvery different.
And so I realized the Muslimcommunity doesn't know this, and
so I that's what I'm helpingmostly women and men do is to
really step up their wholeidentity and to see themselves
as as a catch, as someone whowould be an excellent spouse, so
that they can attract anexcellent spouse, and it really
(02:08):
helps to do the mental work toget there.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Okay, so do you mostly work with women?
Speaker 1 (02:14):
I work with both.
I work with men and women but,like a lot of my clients are
women and I do work with a lotof men as well.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
Okay, what have you been seeing so far?
What are the main strugglespeople are having?
Speaker 1 (02:29):
So the main struggle is people are using their past
to confirm their future, andwhat I mean by that is when they
have a bad experience.
They use those experiences todefine who they are, or to
define them as, like the nextexperience is going to happen
the same way, right?
So so it's like oh well, I hadthis time where this person kind
(02:51):
of rejected me for this andtherefore that means the next
person's also going to reject mebecause of this.
And this is all happeningsubconsciously, it's not even
happening consciously sometimes,right, and even, or as an
example, you know, I, if I'm, ifI'm a woman, my thought is,
every time I talk to a man, I'mnot really attracted to them or
it's not going to work.
So the next time they talk tosomeone, they immediately
(03:11):
dismiss right away, and it'sjust they're constantly feeling
like it's never going to work.
So what the problem is is, whenwe're using the past thoughts
to define our future, it's veryhard to to find the thing that
you're looking for, because,cognitive bias the brain will
always look for what's familiarand what you're used to, and so
(03:33):
that's why people stay stuck inthe same problem, because their
brain is kind of sabotagingevery time a new person comes up
.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Okay, so what do you do in that case?
You reprogram the brain, orwhat exactly?
Speaker 1 (03:48):
so it's, it's um.
The first step is more ofawareness of what are the, the
specific thoughts and patternsthat are coming up for you, that
cause you to act and feel acertain way.
Because if we're, if there's noawareness, then you're just
going to think it's, you know,there's not an, there's just not
the, it's the other person'sfault.
They're going to think, oh,like there's not enough men, or
(04:09):
not enough women, or not enoughgood men, not enough good women.
And so when we don't take astep back and realize, oh wait,
no, actually it's me, I'm theone that's thinking, feeling
this way, and this is why I keeprepeating the same patterns and
this is why I keep getting thesame results, then you feel a
lot more empowered because yourealize, oh, it's something I
can fix, I can, just I can.
I realize I'm thinking this waybecause of whatever my
(04:30):
childhood, my past experience,now and when I, let's say, every
time I get rejected and I feel,oh, I don't tell myself the
story, I'm not good enough, Itell myself, oh, they're just
just not my person.
So these small little reframeshelp you and empower you to
become the version of you thateventually, when allah does send
you and you do meet your person.
It's it's so much more easier,it's more efficient.
(04:54):
And I also want to add whenyou're coming from a more
desperate feeling, when when itfeels like I need to get married
, the brain will sometimes ifyou're coming from more anxious
attachment style and you feelmore anxious about things, it
will tend to avoid red flags orproblems because it's just
(05:15):
trying to get married.
It just wants to make it work,right.
So sometimes it's hard to kindof directly see red flags when
you're coming from that space.
So for me, directly when I'masked this question, I don't
necessarily like list out allthe red flags, because that is
something.
Honestly, if you just Google,there's a bunch of red lists of
red flags.
However, the mindset, the wayyou're coming into it, that
(05:36):
dictates whether something's ared flag or not.
Okay, so if you're coming from avery empowered state and you
see something that comes up thatyou know is potentially a
problem, you take the time tosit and understand.
Okay, is this something thatreally does affect me in my
marriage or is this somethingthat is just a trigger from my
past?
Is this something that I'mwilling to tolerate?
(05:57):
And you have the capacity tokind of question and understand.
However, if you're coming from amore desperate, disemempowered
state, the way you're going tocome at it is like, well, I mean
, you just disrespected me and Ithink I don't want to rock the
boat too much because I wantthis to work, so let me just
like move forward and not reallyquestion it, right?
So the communication is muchless.
(06:20):
You're not as empowered.
You don't actually speak up andsay what you want.
What happens with time?
You build up resentment and youknow when really the truth is
you didn't want to question itand speak up and be yourself,
because you didn't want to rockthe boat or ruin it, because you
just wanted to be married,because you're coming from a
desperate place.
Speaker 3 (06:38):
Right, so desperation is guiding the process instead.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
Right, right, and this is more on a spectrum.
I'm not saying everyone is likethis or this.
It varies with everyone.
So if you're listening to thisand you're like, oh, that's not
me, there could be parts of youthat has that, and so that's
kind of like.
My job as a coach is to helpyou uncover that and rewire that
, to feel more empowered, tofeel more confident in your
process, so that you do feelsafe to speak up when you need
(07:05):
to.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
You mentioned someone Googling red flags and it just
made me realize that sometimeswhat we overlook is that
searching for a spouse is a veryindividual, personal process
and we try to copy what otherpeople are doing too in terms of
the search.
When we realize we have to takethe time to, like you said, do
self-awareness, understand thatmy red flags are going to be
(07:27):
different from my friend's redflags, right, what I can
tolerate is going to bedifferent from what the other
person can tolerate.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
So, and each person's search is individual and it's a
very personal journey, andself-awareness is part of that
process and recognizing that sowhat you said about repeating
past mistakes and being stuck inpatterns, this kind of answers
a question we had for you whichis like what would you say to
someone who's been looking for along time, like we had a guest
(07:54):
on the show?
She's a client of ours and sheshared her story.
She's been looking for over 20years and they're like well, in
her case, she knew what she wasdoing wrong.
But other people they're likewell, in her case, she knew what
she was doing wrong, but otherpeople they're like I tried
everything I worked on myself.
I don't know why isn't it nothappening?
Why can't I find the rightperson?
So what would you say to them?
Speaker 1 (08:15):
Yes.
So this is in this process andthe way I teach things is
there's there's three parts tothis.
There's the spiritual part,there's your thoughts and your
self-concept and your identity,and then there's your thoughts
about the opposite gender andwhat's possible for you, and if
one of these is off, it's goingto be very hard to find the
(08:36):
spouse.
So someone usually tells me youknow, I've spent years working
on myself and I'm years looking,and if I really look into how
they're thinking, the thoughtsin their mind is well, there is
no man that wants me, or thereis no man that you know I don't.
I can't find a man that wouldever like, want someone like me,
or there are no good men orsomething like that.
(08:59):
So even tiny thoughts like that,even if it feels true and
believable, it takes away theconviction that you have that it
is going to work for you.
And when you don't haveconviction, your du'as will feel
very watered down.
And what do I mean by that?
What I mean is ya Allah, I'vebeen trying for 20 years Listen
(09:21):
to my tone right.
I've been trying for 20 yearsand I've been doing all the
things and nothing is workingand there's no man out there for
me.
And so what happens?
You don't even believe it'sgoing to happen for you.
You trust more in what youthink is true, more than what
Allah can do for you.
Speaker 3 (09:42):
I see.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
When you do that, your dua has become very like
Allah.
I want it to happen, butsubconsciously you don't think
it's actually going to happen,because you know that there's no
man out there for you.
Because you're believing it.
You're believing it already,feeding that into your dua and
Allah is like well, you alreadymade a decision that it's not
going to happen, right.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
Yeah, it almost feels like in your dua you're putting
an expectation on Allah, sayingyou should have done this for
me by now, because I've doneeverything right, but you
haven't.
That's what it almost feelslike.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
Yeah, that's what's part of it too.
But also I'm talking more aboutthe conviction, because one of
the prerequisites of answereddua is the conviction that Allah
can do anything.
But on a mental level, when wehave thoughts that like, prevent
it from feeling like Allah cando anything, that's when our
(10:36):
duas don't feel that muchconviction.
And I am not saying like, oh,like you know, oh, there's so
many healthy, amazing men outthere and all this, like you
don't have to believe that.
But what I am saying is, evenwith the evidence I see in front
of me, I don't care what I see.
I know that you can makeanything possible.
I only care about youracceptance and what you want
(10:57):
from me, and I don't care aboutanything else.
That level of conviction, that'sanother level.
That's the goal.
That's why we're here.
That's the goal.
That's why we're here, that'swhy we're being tested to get to
that level and that's why, whenI see people kind of
complaining about how, like it'sbeen 20 years, been this, been
that there is always a missingpiece, and I can usually tell
within the first conversationthey're stuck in the identity of
(11:19):
things don't work out for me.
Things don't ever work out forme.
For me.
Things don't ever work out forme, and that's where you know
people.
This is a very long topic butfor people really wanting more
like details on this andunderstanding this more in a
deeper level, I have a coursecalled the inner shift that
really explain this more indetail.
That help if you want to checkthat out.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
Inshallah.
We will ask you towards the endof the episode, to share, uh,
your um, classes and contactinformation.
Of course, but this reminds me,uh, when I was making dua for a
spouse, like I mentioned iteven before in another, in
another episode, I was sospecific with my dua, like it
was like ordering a burger, likeI knew I could speak to allah
(12:03):
directly he's not gonna judge meand I was very specific with my
dua and um, subhanallah.
It got answered, like every boxwas checked, subhanallah.
But these things, like youwould feel so awkward mentioning
them in front of your friend oryour sister and you're like,
they're like, just ask allah fora good spouse and that's it
right.
So you spoke of red flags.
(12:26):
What about green flags?
Speaker 1 (12:28):
yeah, I mean when you are operating from the best
version of yourself, when you'rebeing the most authentic
version of you.
That is the best screening toolbecause you immediately see
when someone is you know.
You know that, like you don'ttolerate disrespect first of all
, but you notice, you know whensomeone's respecting you.
(12:49):
You notice the way they talk,their character, the way they
bring up conflict, the way theynavigate conflict, the way they
respond to you.
All this stuff matters, right,and, like I always like to say,
right, it's good to also do yourlittle bit of research of, like
, what are what are some good,positive, healthy traits of a
relationship and adding that toyour wish list, adding that to
(13:12):
your do-it-list.
Like y'all, I want someone whois you know, helps me feel
understood and heard and listensto me and is good at problem
solving and is good at this andas good as that, and and all of
that is kind of a list of greenflags, right, and I always like
to.
Before I was married, I wouldlook at couples that I admired
(13:33):
and I would take note of thethings that I liked about them
to kind of, you know, I wantthis in my own marriage and so
things like that, you'd have tocome up with your own list of
green flags that you're lookingfor okay, uh, so how can you
differentiate between sell likesomebody who has
self-empowerment and they'reconfident and they know that
(13:54):
they deserve someone good, andbetween no one's good enough?
Speaker 2 (14:00):
no one is good enough for me.
I have to to be earned.
I'm a princess?
I don't know, because it's athin line, right.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
Right, and that is actually a protective mechanism
that people use when they say Idon't need anyone, I'm a
princess, they have to earn me,stuff like that.
Now, as a woman, you do seeyourself as like I am a catch.
But also there's humility,right, like I'm a human being,
that I am a worthy woman.
(14:30):
That's a human being that anyman would be lucky to have,
right.
But, however, there's humilitylike there's like I'm a human
being and I'm looking foranother human being.
It becomes when people are morecoming from fear.
It can often show up as more ofentitlement and I know I'm
(14:50):
pretty sure they're not doingthat intentionally.
They're doing it more out ofprotective mechanism and they're
not necessarily aware of it.
They think that's what they'retaught.
They think that's what willprotect them from someone
hurting their feelings, like youneed to earn my love and stuff
like that.
And I would guess right ifsomeone's saying that that's how
they, that's how theirchildhood was, like they needed
to earn the love, and now it'sshowing up in their
relationships and so all of thatis reflective on when the way
(15:14):
you, the way you grew up, willoften reflect in your
relationships and it's a, it's abeautiful thing.
I think it's when it uncoversall the triggers you have.
But yeah, so the differencebetween arrogance and confidence
is really your question, andthe difference is confidence is
I'm amazing and I know otherhumans are amazing too.
(15:34):
I'm not better than anyone.
I know I'm amazing and you'reamazing too.
Arrogance is I'm amazing andeveryone else is below me.
So that's really as simple as Ican answer it.
That's when you feel thedifference.
Confidence just feels good, itfeels like I just love.
I see everyone as Allah'screation, like no one is worse
(15:56):
or better than me.
We're all the same, we're alllike you know.
So that's confidence.
Speaker 3 (16:01):
Yeah, I wanted to go back to green flags earlier.
Sometimes what happens is like,alhamdulillah, hiba and I we
just spoke for barely a monthand a half and they were like,
ok, we're going to get our niqabdone.
We knew.
But what happens to some peopleis that they see all the green
flags and they're answering allthe questions and the pace
(16:22):
starts to pick up and then itgets scary and you think, no way
, this person just can't be thiscompatible with me.
I got to slow it down a bit, Igot to pump the brakes and we
actually saw this a little biton the Muslim Matchmaker too,
about pace and slowing it down.
So it becomes a tricky thingwhere you, okay, green flags are
(16:45):
great, this person iscompatible.
But then we have to talk aboutpace, and so what would you say
to somebody who's kind of inthat scary situation?
Speaker 1 (16:53):
yeah.
So infatuation when it takesover, it's very hard to kind of
manage it.
So usually when someone's goingat a really fast pace, they're
infatuated and it's a little bitdriven from anxiety of like I,
I don't want this to end.
Like if it ends, I'm like thatmeans it's another failure and I
don't want it to end.
So, uh, they, how does thatshow up?
(17:13):
It's like usually like alwaystalking and making sure they're
doing it right so that they, theconversation doesn't end.
So there's very little room for,or tolerance for, any silence
or discomfort or just like space.
And so the strategies here andit is more of a strategy is you
(17:33):
have to communicate, that youhave to communicate in the
beginning.
Hey, I feel like I feel likewe're going a little too fast.
I would like, if we took it alittle slower, just so I can,
you know, take the time toprocess things and live my own
life.
I don't want to like completelydisconnect from my life and
focus on you, and it helps tojust kind of build up strategies
to protect your own life, andwhat I mean by that is you only
(17:57):
set certain times to talk tothem throughout the day and
after that you plan likesomething to do, like going out
with your friends or going tothe masjid or something Right,
so that you have a hard stop andyou don't spend the rest of
your night talking to them or,you know, not talking to them at
night.
I had a very strict rule on this, right, like, bedtime is
bedtime, there's no exceptionshere.
Like you go to bed, you cantalk tomorrow.
(18:18):
You don't have to talk at night, even though it's tempting,
even though it's tempting.
But, like, you have to have putup rules for yourself so that
you don't fall into that,because, again, infatuation will
lead to a really fast pace andthings crash right away.
So you don't have to be afraidof it, it's normal, but it's
it's more of like setting upguardrails for yourself so that
you can protect yourself.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
If you're overwhelmed and burdened and just don't
know where to seek help, let ushelp you.
We can be your personalmatchmakers.
Visit us at halalmatchca andbook a free call with us.
Speaker 2 (18:52):
Speaking of Muslim matchmaker.
So the last episode beforeRamadan, we critiqued this show.
We had a lot to share and Ijust would like to know your
input, your thoughts on the showor, um, not just the show as
entertainment, but on the wholeprocess of the matching how it's
done, the guidance, theconversations yeah, I mean, I
(19:16):
just I watched it because myclients were telling me to watch
it and I was like all right,fine, I'll watch it.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
And it was just interesting to see, you know,
the, the, the.
I.
I liked seeing the differentexamples.
I liked seeing, like, howthings were, were talked about
and stuff, and I think, um,though, I like to use some of
these examples as like to showmy clients like, look, this is
what anxious, avoidantattachment looks like, this is
what this attachment looks like.
So that's kind of where mythoughts were.
(19:41):
I was like you know, it's just,it's a starting off show, it's,
it's, it's like the beginningof inshallah.
Many shows have that will helpand and, uh, show people that
they're not alone in thematchmaking process yeah, yeah,
yeah, uh.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
Okay, you spoke or spoke of, uh, attachment styles.
Tell us a little bit about that.
How does that present itselfwhen people trying to get to
know each other?
Speaker 1 (20:05):
Yeah.
So a summary of attachmentstyles.
It's there's a theory that apsychologist came up with that
the way you grew up as a babyand as a child, your attachment
to your parents, it shows up inyour adulthood.
So if you didn't get that muchattention or you didn't get the
attention you need, maybe thebaby starts getting more of like
(20:27):
it avoids even speaking upanymore because it's like what's
the point?
So how it shows up in adult andin your adult life is it avoids
any sort of intimacy,conversations or anything
opening up or anything.
Hard because it doesn't want toget close to anyone.
Because it is, it doesn't wantto.
Hard because it doesn't want toget close to anyone because it
doesn't want to risk rejection,it doesn't want to risk
disappointment.
Okay, so that's avoidantattachment.
Anxious attachment is I needsomeone to be with me, I need
(20:51):
closeness, I need to always bereassured, I need this, I need
that.
So that's more of the anxiousattachment side and it's a
spectrum, so it varies from oneside to the other and and it's
it's the.
The beauty of knowing what yourstyle is is you can catch when
you can understand your ownbehavior when it comes to
(21:13):
relationship and it's reallyhelpful in terms of marriage,
like understanding your, your,how it shows up in your marriage
, because me personally, I usedto be much more on the avoidance
side, but I also still noticeit coming up in my marriage.
I notice my habits coming up.
For example, if we argue orsomething happens, I tend to
(21:34):
withdraw and just not want totalk about anything.
I just go to my room.
But it's just good to know,it's good to know that those
habits come up and that way Ihave a way of managing it when I
do know, when I do noticemyself getting triggered.
So I talk about attachment stylea lot, because the way you feel
as you're getting to knowsomeone, all of that is going to
(21:55):
get triggered and it usuallyhappens in romantic
relationships, something.
Sometimes it happens infriendships and stuff like that.
But, um, it just helps to knowso that you can either manage it
or avoid it and so that thoseis what.
That's usually what blocksconnection from actually
happening and and sabotagespeople from actually getting
(22:17):
married okay, I take itavoidance and uh, what's the
other one?
Speaker 2 (22:22):
anxious?
Speaker 1 (22:23):
they don't go well together so surprisingly they
actually those are.
That's the most common dynamic,because, right, yeah, it is.
It's.
It's kind of like the anxiousalways needs the avoidant and
the avoidant kind of runs awayfrom it.
So like the unhealthy kind ofdynamic is when that happens.
But when you come together in amore secure place, that's what
(22:48):
so typically like,stereotypically, the men is
usually more avoidant than thewoman, but also, obviously
that's not a general rule.
But yeah, it's very common.
But it's just more aboutlearning how to navigate it and
it's not a problem.
It's more about learning how tomanage it together as a couple.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
Okay, first impressions.
How can somebody leave a goodfirst impression when they're
meeting someone, whether it's ata matrimonial event or meeting
virtually or through a friend orwhatever?
Speaker 1 (23:22):
Yeah.
So the first thing is, first ofall, make the intention.
I just want to meet the personthat's meant for me and allow me
to leave a good impression onthat person.
Okay, intention always matters.
So how to leave a goodimpression is are you operating
from the authentic, real versionof you?
The real version of you willshow up and sometimes she's
(23:44):
nervous, sometimes he's nervous,but it's okay.
He's here to get to know eachother as human beings.
So you, you put your, your,your, your authentic, as in like
, okay, I know, I know I'm agood spouse, I know I could find
the, the spouse that's meantfor me here.
So let me see, is this, is thisthe person that I want to be?
When you talk to them, and youtalk to them as a normal human
(24:05):
being and you don't, you know,you get to know them more as a
friend and like.
The intention is more of like,let me see if I could be friends
with them, as in.
I'm not saying like, be friendswith them, but like for more
for the, for the intention oflike, let me see if this is
someone I can be with so that,uh, so that we can be married.
Inshallah, and that did that.
(24:26):
All of that, like the reframingof that, helps you come into it
into a much more calmer uhapproach.
But I wouldn't worry too muchabout like.
What do people think of me?
What's my first impression?
It's more about um, I'm goingto operate from the best version
of me.
I'm going to operate from themost authentic version of.
I'm going to operate from themost authentic version of me and
if they like me, great.
And if they don't like me, I'mgoing to try my best to like not
(24:49):
take that personally and like.
It's okay that some peoplewon't like.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
Okay, we spoke about I mentioned matrimonial events,
so you're probably aware of theway matrimonial events happen.
In most places it's just aspeed dating.
You're sitting on a table withthis person for three, five
minutes, then you're rotating.
You're rotating, so it is anoption out there.
(25:16):
It's not the best option, butit is an option out there.
If somebody wants to try it out, try this option out.
There is an option out there.
If somebody wants to try it out, try this option out.
What would you suggest?
The best way to make the mostout of it?
Speaker 1 (25:30):
Like it's not a perfect situation.
Yeah, I mean, when you'recoming from a place of I wonder
if my spouse is here, I wonderif the person that Allah wrote
for me is in this room you comeat it from a very curious
perspective.
If the person that Allah wrotefor me is in this room, you come
at it from a very curiousperspective.
What I usually see is women ormen already thinking ahead of
time this is not going to work,this is going to suck, this is
(25:51):
going to be terrible, andobviously you're not going to
show up authentically.
Your energy is going to be justthe same as everyone else.
But what would make you standout is if you see it as an
opportunity, an adventure to belike oh, I wonder how I can have
fun while I'm here.
Right, have fun and, as in likea, not not make it like this
dreaded.
Oh, my god, I have to gothrough this before I'm like I
(26:11):
wonder if I would meet myhusband, like, maybe this, maybe
this could be a, maybe thiscould be it.
And you know, if it doesn'thappen, hamdulillah.
If it happens, it's not, it'svery like neutral, it's light,
it's not this heavy thing yeah,that's great.
Speaker 2 (26:24):
When we take our clients on meetings, we sit with
them, all of that, we tell themget like, come to the meeting
with um with the thought thatthis might be my future husband,
this might be my future spot,my future wife.
So, just like you said, the wayshow up, the way you ask them
questions, it makes a hugedifference.
Speaker 3 (26:45):
Yes, I was going to add to that too, because when we
take our clients out, we havelike a pre-date coaching session
and we say the same thing, likedon't have a default, no
mindset right, when you justcome in thinking this probably
not going to work, but hey, I'lljust try it out anyways.
So yeah, totally agree withwhat you're saying there if
(27:05):
somebody suspects they are beingstrung along.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
What are some concrete signs to look for?
Speaker 1 (27:12):
well, first of all, make sure both of you are on the
same timeline, on the same page, right?
So I, the way I teach things,is like, make sure you're both
discussing hey, let's talkseriously for like at least 90
days and make a decision by theend of 90 days so that we either
agree to move forward or not.
And I wanna make sure we're notwasting each other's time, and
(27:34):
I really respect your time, yourespect my time and you have
that conversation and you cantell, like, if someone's like no
, don't want to do that, or no,I want to take longer, or this,
it's like okay, I mean, why doyou need to take longer?
Oh, because I'm not sure.
I'm not that I'm.
And then you can tell, kind of,with time, as you develop your
emotional intelligence and stufflike that is like oh wait, like
(27:57):
they're kind of stringing me,like they're not really.
And and also another thinghumans, and don't intentionally
try to string other people along.
It's not like theyintentionally have a negative,
uh, intention, it's more aboutthey.
They're not aware why they'redoing it.
There there may be, let's say,if it's a man stringing along a
(28:19):
woman, it's more about, um, hedoesn't know what he, he wants
and he's kind of confused maybesometimes.
So it just helps to have thatconversation to make sure you're
both on the same page.
And when the man clearly says Idon't know and I don't think
it's going to happen within thenext year or whatever they're
like, it's your job as a womanto end it.
It's your, it's yourresponsibility to make sure you
(28:43):
don't let yourself get strungalong.
But what happens is if a womanis desperate or she needs to
make this work, she won't seethose signs and she won't have
that conversation and she'll tryto force him to make it work.
And that's when things get toomessy and you literally get
strung along.
Speaker 3 (29:02):
Well, sometimes it happens because there's a lot of
fear associated with it too,like, okay, this person is
serious.
Then you start to get nervousand you think, okay, now I have
to figure out X, y, z, I have tofigure out.
What am I going to tell myparents?
How am I going to figure outliving arrangements?
There's so much to figure out.
And then your fear starts tokick in.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
And a lot of guys have fear of commitment as well,
Maybe because of the many badexperiences they hear around
them.
My friend got divorced and shecleaned him out or something
like that.
So a lot of guys they have theintention of getting married,
they have good intentions butthey get scared and run away.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
Yeah, I mean, I would say there's also women who are
like this too.
This goes back to the avoidantattachment style afraid of
commitment because it's such abig heavy thing to them, because
they're afraid of, you know,potential like what if we get
divorced?
What if this never actuallyworks out?
What if all this comes up?
And what if I fail?
And what if all this comes up?
And what if I fail?
And what if all all of the thefears come up?
Right and to to process that isfor for an avoidant is to learn,
(30:07):
like what are you actuallyafraid of?
And talking yourself through it, talking yourself through okay,
if this problem comes up, thisis what I'm going to do to to
protect myself, to protect theperson.
Like you know, I'll figure itout and I'll do what it takes to
heal from my past so that Idon't bring that into my
marriage, and I'm not going to.
I know I'm not going to beperfect and it's not going to be
perfect, but I'm going to dothe best that I can and I know I
(30:31):
will.
Like, I'll do my best to committo what I can, and some fears
will come up and somecircumstances will come up, but
that's meant to train you tobecome the person that you need
to be okay, um, what would yousay to someone who has, maybe,
negative view on coaching?
they're like, no, I can figureit out, but they're clearly
(30:53):
struggling yeah, I mean, Ialways say, like coaching always
speeds up things, right, itgets you there faster because
you have a person pointing outyour blind spots.
And some people choose not tobecause they think either
they're ashamed of getting helpor it's like I don't want to
spend money because, like, whywould I do that when I can
figure it out myself?
And that's a choice, right,that some people I've seen
(31:14):
people spend years and years andyears trying to figure it out
on their own, when if they wereto have one session with me, I
I'd be like, yeah, this is theproblem, and like they save
themselves, like years, right.
And they're like, why don't Ifind you earlier?
Speaker 2 (31:28):
Right.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
And it's like, yeah, well, you have to be open to
coaching and it takes somehumility to be like you know I
need help.
This is hard, right, but it's,it's not.
It's not a shameful thing.
Like I to this day, I I have acoach and I will always have a
coach, because it really helpsto check out my blind spots and
things and areas that I don'tsee, and there's nothing to be
(31:49):
ashamed of.
And the more I work with acoach and have a whole other
brain, looking at my brain, itjust elevates and evolves me and
I see things much differentlyand more clear.
And if I didn't have that, I'djust be stuck in my own thoughts
.
And you can't solve a problemwith the brain that created it.
As is the quote einstein right,you can't solve a problem with
(32:11):
the mind that created it.
So if your mind is the problemyou can't solve, that it's.
You need an outsider to kind ofhelp you look at it sometimes.
Speaker 3 (32:19):
Out of curiosity, how often do you get males seeking
out your professional help?
Speaker 1 (32:28):
I always have like.
Right now I have about.
I'm trying to count three, fouror five male clients out of 25.
Speaker 3 (32:34):
Okay, it's still a small number out of 25, but
that's still good to know thatmales I'm grateful.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
Yeah, they're incredible, terrible humans.
Alhamdulillah, they're doingtheir best to get the help they
need, but for sure, there areplenty of men out there who do
look for help, who do try to.
They just need to push everynow and then, yeah, and we need
to.
You know, help men feel saferto actually get the help they
need and not judge them and notmake them feel like belittled
(33:02):
for that.
So that's, I think that's whatwe need to do.
Speaker 2 (33:06):
Okay, take us through it a little bit.
Take us through what you doexactly.
So let's say, I've beenstruggling, I can't find the
right person.
I've been struggling for sevenyears and I don't know what I'm
doing wrong.
And I come to you what wouldyou do struggling?
Speaker 1 (33:22):
for seven years and I don't know what I'm doing wrong
and I come to you what wouldyou do?
Yeah, so my first approach is Isee what you've been believing
like as an identity.
Wise, what's your identity?
An identity is the set ofthoughts that you've been
believing about who you are.
Okay, as an example, I'msomeone who struggled for the
past 10 years with marriage.
So what does that mean as anidentity?
It means I'm someone whostruggles with relationships.
I'm someone who struggled forthe past 10 years with marriage,
so what does that mean as anidentity?
(33:43):
It means I'm someone whostruggles with relationships.
I'm someone who reallystruggles, and what happens is
when you believe that the brainwill keep operating from that
belief.
So I'm someone who struggles.
Therefore, everything you dowill feel like a struggle.
It will feel like I can'tfigure it out, I can't do this,
(34:04):
I can't do that.
So what I do is I help themcome from a more neutral
perspective.
Right, we're just learning abrand new skill.
We don't need to bring the pastwith us.
We're learning how.
I'm learning the skill of howto be in a healthy relationship,
instead of believing I strugglewith relationships because that
thought doesn't serve you.
That thought just reiterates thesame negative thoughts over and
(34:27):
over again.
That's one of the core beliefs,right, and this is really deep
work, right?
I feel like some peoplelistening to be like what the
heck is this?
But like, when you're operatingfrom this belief, all the other
negative thoughts stem fromthat.
So I always look for the corebelief and then whatever stems
from that, and we knock it downlike dominoes every now and for
every, with every session, andat the end they feel a lot more
(34:50):
confident about themselves,first and foremost.
And when you're more confidentabout yourself, you're more
flexible about what you'relooking for and what you want.
You're not as rigid in thecriteria that you're looking for
because you realize you'reconfident you can handle any
problem that comes up okay,sounds like intense work, yeah
it is.
It's very intense, but it's it's.
(35:11):
It's very transformational, itevolves.
People don't recognizethemselves after six months, so
wow, can you share some stories?
Speaker 2 (35:20):
some, of course, keeping it private, but like
some transformations yeah.
Speaker 1 (35:25):
So I had like one, one person that's coming to mind
.
I think she's in her 40s,something like that, but um,
it's 39 now.
I think about it.
But um, she came to me veryanxious, right.
Every time she would textsomeone, a lot of anxiety comes
up.
Are they going to text me back?
Are they?
Um, do they like me enough, dothey?
This is probably not going towork out, and what happens is
(35:48):
she sabotages it whenever thenext time she talks to him,
she's talking from anxiety, likewhy didn't you answer me?
Why did this?
And not even directly saying it.
But even her energy was justoff every time.
Okay, her, her, just herdemeanor was not very confident
and so, obviously, if a man seesthis, he's not going to be like
wow, what is this?
He's going to leave becauseit's not not something you want
(36:09):
to be with.
So the transformation is when wewe really focused on her
self-concept, the way she sawherself, the way she handles
rejection, the way like whatdoes it mean when someone
doesn't text you back?
It just means nothing.
It just means that it doesn't,it's.
We don't need to make it abigger thing about you and all
that.
And we work on the ego we workon.
(36:30):
The ego is one of the biggestthings.
Right is like feeling veryashamed about yourself, and ego
comes in different forms.
It comes from like what's wrongwith me, why is this happening
to me?
And, on the other end of thespectrum, like you know, very
prideful as well.
So it's a lot of ego work andwhen you do that, at the end the
(36:51):
transformation was every timeshe talked to a potential, she
just felt so like, socomfortable, like hamdulillah,
like if it works, it works, ifit doesn't, who cares?
Yeah, she never thought shewould be someone at that point
and now, alhamdulillah, she'stalking to potential.
She's much more like, much morelike.
One of them is kind of likemoving along and it's just.
It feels much more relaxing.
(37:11):
Right, we don't need to stressout about it, we don't need to
panic, it's just Allah is taking.
The tawakkul is so much morehigher than the emotions and the
emotions is just like whatever.
It's just there.
Every now and then I get a fear,but it's more the base, the
solid baseline is.
I know Allah has a personwritten for me and all I have to
(37:33):
do is keep showing up withauthentically in myself and do
my part and, inshallah, it'llwork.
So that's the work, right?
It's not just about marriage,and to me, my work is never just
about marriage.
It's about this is the skillthat we're trying to become the
prophetic.
We're trying to become likeRasulullah, sallallahu Alaihi
Wasallam.
And what does that mean?
It means doing the work on yourego, doing the work on your
character to become someone whodoesn't get phased by things
(37:56):
like this, which leads to a veryfulfilling marriage, which
helps you become just strongerin who you are.
Speaker 3 (38:04):
It literally does sound like you're just rewiring
people's brains, which?
Speaker 2 (38:08):
is amazing.
It's so cool.
It's amazing that people areopen to this.
Speaker 1 (38:14):
Oh, of course there's so many women Like why wouldn't
you, why wouldn't you want it?
Because?
Speaker 2 (38:20):
like we're naturally going to resist change.
Nobody changes, Scary right.
Speaker 3 (38:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:26):
Yeah, but if it's a change that will serve you to
feel better, your brain will bemore motivated.
Right, it's not like change,like oh, there's no outcome,
like you know, it's going tomake you feel better.
Right, right, right.
Speaker 3 (38:40):
Plus, I feel like the stigma behind mental health is
changing the general attitude.
People are becoming moreaccepting and open to it.
Speaker 2 (38:48):
Yeah, One last piece of advice, something a practical
advice you can give someonewho's looking, who's struggling
and maybe on the brink of givingup yes, first of all, I do
recommend getting the help youneed.
Speaker 1 (39:06):
Don't try to do this alone.
It's it because doing it alonewill only perpetuate those same
exact thoughts, and I've seenpeople try to do this alone.
It's it because doing it alonewill only perpetuate those same
exact thoughts, and I've seenpeople try to do it alone.
They just end up exactly wherethey they were at the beginning.
So you could read all theself-help books and do all that,
but that doesn't really changeunless you have someone to
actually point out exactlywhat's going on and and, at the
(39:26):
same time, um, like the, thedon't giving up part.
Sometimes allah will put you inphases where you do feel
hopeless, and those are thetimes where you call out to
allah ya allah, I need your helpand I, I don't like feeling
hopeless, ya allah, and I, Idon't like feeling broken, I
don't like feeling worthless.
But help me heal those feelings.
(39:46):
Help me heal those, thoseemotions, so that I can become
closer to you, and to redirectyour thoughts and your dua not
to a place of like.
Ya Allah, I want to get married, ya Allah, I want to heal the
parts of me that are so woundedthat I think a man will help fix
it.
It's not true.
Marriage will not fix yourproblems.
(40:07):
I think marriage actuallyemphasizes whatever problems you
have.
It makes it times 10.
It just shows up extremely morein a marriage because all of
it's more triggered.
But if, if you want sakina inyour marriage, you've got to be
the source of sakina foryourself, how are you going to
bring sakina and expect theother person to do it for you if
you don't feel sakina inyourself?
So we, we pray in a way likeyallah, I, I want marriage
(40:32):
because I want to feel sakinah.
But, yallah, give me what Ineed.
And when I say, give me what Ineed, like, give me the emotion,
the, the emotional stabilitythat I need, the, the ability to
, to not lose hope in you,yallah, to not lose hope in, in,
in all these things that's onmy mind, and to become stronger
in who I am and all of this.
And I promise you, when youbecome that version of you that
(40:53):
you've always wanted to be,becoming a.
Finding a spouse is very easy,but what gets, what we get
caught up in, is the drama andthe emotions of how hard it is
and it's I'm never gonna find it, and all that?
And why are we trying?
Why are we trying to find aspouse in the first place?
Because we want to to, you know, we want to enjoy it, we want
to feel good, but you're ruiningyour own process in the
(41:14):
meantime by feeling this way, byfeeling like so hopeless and
like really down about it, so itdoesn't serve you in the long
term or for your dunya or yourakhirah either.
So I like to say just make dua.
I want Allah to be the centerof my world, not marriage.
(41:34):
I want allah to.
I want to be connected, soconnected to you, ya allah, that
I don't care about anythingelse and that I do things that
please you, ya allah, and onlysend me things that please, that
are pleasing to you, ya allah.
So when you do focus on thatand you work on, ya allah, give
me the skills to be in a healthy, beautiful marriage.
Give me the skills to learn howto navigate my triggers.
(41:55):
Give me this, all that, andthat will help Allah.
Inshallah, when you ask fromthe source of the one who can
help you.
Speaker 2 (42:02):
I love this.
Instead of focusing on theproblem, we direct our dua and
our energy on what can we do tobecome better and to become
closer to allah.
I love it.
It's, it's a gem.
Thank you, uh, okay, anyone whois interested in reaching out,
working with you?
How can they reach you and whatservices exactly do you offer?
Speaker 1 (42:24):
yeah, so you, um, I do have a public youtube page.
You can.
There's so much, so many manythings to learn on that, so you
just start there just to findout more about me.
See, if the my my, the way Italk, if it clicks with you,
then if it resonates with you,then we go to the deeper work,
which is, if you go on mywebsite it's lamaubakercom, it's
my full name,l-a-m-a-a-b-o-u-b-a-k-rcom you,
(42:49):
there's the inner shift course,which is, um, the kind of the
course that I kind of teach toto uh, take things to a deeper
level.
And then the next step, if youcan always uh, you can always
book a one-off session with meto get started, and I offer
different types of uh sessionsto to a variety of packages to
kind of look into.
(43:09):
But I would start there and myinstagram is um and same.
You can check me out there aswell and you can uh.
You can message me if you haveany questions on ways to work
with me inshallah.
Speaker 2 (43:22):
we will link all your , all these sources in the
description of this episode.
Um, thank you so much for yourinsight, for the hope I feel
hopeful, like I feel hopeful forevery, for single people out
there.
Yeah, thank you for your timeand thank you to our beautiful
listeners.
We will see you, inshallah, inthe next episode.
Salam alaikum.
What happens with time?
You build up resentment whenreally the truth is you didn't
want to question it and speak upand be yourself, because you
didn't want to rock the boat orruin it, because you just wanted
to be married, because you'recoming from a desperate place.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
Speaker 3 (00:13):
And I'm Zaid.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 3 (00:16):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
So let's dive in.
Assalamu alaikum everyone,welcome to another episode, my
name is Hiba, and on the othermic is my husband and co-host,
zaid.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Assalamu alaikum everyone.
Welcome back after Ramadan.
We hope you guys had a greatRamadan.
And yeah, we are back and wehave a special guest with us
today Lama Abu Bakr,relationship Coach.
Thank you, lama, for joining us.
Of course, I'm glad to be here,I'm glad to have you.
So in the beginning, can youplease tell the audience a
little bit about yourself, whatyou do and what led you to do
(00:57):
that?
Speaker 1 (00:59):
Yeah, so I help Muslims get married and I help
Muslims get into the mindset ofhow to approach this process in
a very easy, efficient way.
And the reason that got me, whatgot me here, is when I was
going through this process alone, by myself, I realized there
was a lot of things that wouldtrigger me, a lot of things that
(01:21):
would bother me, and I wantedto become someone where it
wasn't that hard.
I just wanted it to be easy,and so I you know I hired a
coach.
I helped myself reallyunderstand myself and understand
my own triggers, and I realizedthe more I improved myself, the
better quality potentials thatI got, because the way I talk,
(01:44):
the way I approach things wasvery different.
And so I realized the Muslimcommunity doesn't know this, and
so I that's what I'm helpingmostly women and men do is to
really step up their wholeidentity and to see themselves
as as a catch, as someone whowould be an excellent spouse, so
that they can attract anexcellent spouse, and it really
(02:08):
helps to do the mental work toget there.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Okay, so do you mostly work with women?
Speaker 1 (02:14):
I work with both.
I work with men and women but,like a lot of my clients are
women and I do work with a lotof men as well.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
Okay, what have you been seeing so far?
What are the main strugglespeople are having?
Speaker 1 (02:29):
So the main struggle is people are using their past
to confirm their future, andwhat I mean by that is when they
have a bad experience.
They use those experiences todefine who they are, or to
define them as, like the nextexperience is going to happen
the same way, right?
So so it's like oh well, I hadthis time where this person kind
(02:51):
of rejected me for this andtherefore that means the next
person's also going to reject mebecause of this.
And this is all happeningsubconsciously, it's not even
happening consciously sometimes,right, and even, or as an
example, you know, I, if I'm, ifI'm a woman, my thought is,
every time I talk to a man, I'mnot really attracted to them or
it's not going to work.
So the next time they talk tosomeone, they immediately
(03:11):
dismiss right away, and it'sjust they're constantly feeling
like it's never going to work.
So what the problem is is, whenwe're using the past thoughts
to define our future, it's veryhard to to find the thing that
you're looking for, because,cognitive bias the brain will
always look for what's familiarand what you're used to, and so
(03:33):
that's why people stay stuck inthe same problem, because their
brain is kind of sabotagingevery time a new person comes up
.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Okay, so what do you do in that case?
You reprogram the brain, orwhat exactly?
Speaker 1 (03:48):
so it's, it's um.
The first step is more ofawareness of what are the, the
specific thoughts and patternsthat are coming up for you, that
cause you to act and feel acertain way.
Because if we're, if there's noawareness, then you're just
going to think it's, you know,there's not an, there's just not
the, it's the other person'sfault.
They're going to think, oh,like there's not enough men, or
(04:09):
not enough women, or not enoughgood men, not enough good women.
And so when we don't take astep back and realize, oh wait,
no, actually it's me, I'm theone that's thinking, feeling
this way, and this is why I keeprepeating the same patterns and
this is why I keep getting thesame results, then you feel a
lot more empowered because yourealize, oh, it's something I
can fix, I can, just I can.
I realize I'm thinking this waybecause of whatever my
(04:30):
childhood, my past experience,now and when I, let's say, every
time I get rejected and I feel,oh, I don't tell myself the
story, I'm not good enough, Itell myself, oh, they're just
just not my person.
So these small little reframeshelp you and empower you to
become the version of you thateventually, when allah does send
you and you do meet your person.
It's it's so much more easier,it's more efficient.
(04:54):
And I also want to add whenyou're coming from a more
desperate feeling, when when itfeels like I need to get married
, the brain will sometimes ifyou're coming from more anxious
attachment style and you feelmore anxious about things, it
will tend to avoid red flags orproblems because it's just
(05:15):
trying to get married.
It just wants to make it work,right.
So sometimes it's hard to kindof directly see red flags when
you're coming from that space.
So for me, directly when I'masked this question, I don't
necessarily like list out allthe red flags, because that is
something.
Honestly, if you just Google,there's a bunch of red lists of
red flags.
However, the mindset, the wayyou're coming into it, that
(05:36):
dictates whether something's ared flag or not.
Okay, so if you're coming from avery empowered state and you
see something that comes up thatyou know is potentially a
problem, you take the time tosit and understand.
Okay, is this something thatreally does affect me in my
marriage or is this somethingthat is just a trigger from my
past?
Is this something that I'mwilling to tolerate?
(05:57):
And you have the capacity tokind of question and understand.
However, if you're coming from amore desperate, disemempowered
state, the way you're going tocome at it is like, well, I mean
, you just disrespected me and Ithink I don't want to rock the
boat too much because I wantthis to work, so let me just
like move forward and not reallyquestion it, right?
So the communication is muchless.
(06:20):
You're not as empowered.
You don't actually speak up andsay what you want.
What happens with time?
You build up resentment and youknow when really the truth is
you didn't want to question itand speak up and be yourself,
because you didn't want to rockthe boat or ruin it, because you
just wanted to be married,because you're coming from a
desperate place.
Speaker 3 (06:38):
Right, so desperation is guiding the process instead.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
Right, right, and this is more on a spectrum.
I'm not saying everyone is likethis or this.
It varies with everyone.
So if you're listening to thisand you're like, oh, that's not
me, there could be parts of youthat has that, and so that's
kind of like.
My job as a coach is to helpyou uncover that and rewire that
, to feel more empowered, tofeel more confident in your
process, so that you do feelsafe to speak up when you need
(07:05):
to.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
You mentioned someone Googling red flags and it just
made me realize that sometimeswhat we overlook is that
searching for a spouse is a veryindividual, personal process
and we try to copy what otherpeople are doing too in terms of
the search.
When we realize we have to takethe time to, like you said, do
self-awareness, understand thatmy red flags are going to be
(07:27):
different from my friend's redflags, right, what I can
tolerate is going to bedifferent from what the other
person can tolerate.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
So, and each person's search is individual and it's a
very personal journey, andself-awareness is part of that
process and recognizing that sowhat you said about repeating
past mistakes and being stuck inpatterns, this kind of answers
a question we had for you whichis like what would you say to
someone who's been looking for along time, like we had a guest
(07:54):
on the show?
She's a client of ours and sheshared her story.
She's been looking for over 20years and they're like well, in
her case, she knew what she wasdoing wrong.
But other people they're likewell, in her case, she knew what
she was doing wrong, but otherpeople they're like I tried
everything I worked on myself.
I don't know why isn't it nothappening?
Why can't I find the rightperson?
So what would you say to them?
Speaker 1 (08:15):
Yes.
So this is in this process andthe way I teach things is
there's there's three parts tothis.
There's the spiritual part,there's your thoughts and your
self-concept and your identity,and then there's your thoughts
about the opposite gender andwhat's possible for you, and if
one of these is off, it's goingto be very hard to find the
(08:36):
spouse.
So someone usually tells me youknow, I've spent years working
on myself and I'm years looking,and if I really look into how
they're thinking, the thoughtsin their mind is well, there is
no man that wants me, or thereis no man that you know I don't.
I can't find a man that wouldever like, want someone like me,
or there are no good men orsomething like that.
(08:59):
So even tiny thoughts like that,even if it feels true and
believable, it takes away theconviction that you have that it
is going to work for you.
And when you don't haveconviction, your du'as will feel
very watered down.
And what do I mean by that?
What I mean is ya Allah, I'vebeen trying for 20 years Listen
(09:21):
to my tone right.
I've been trying for 20 yearsand I've been doing all the
things and nothing is workingand there's no man out there for
me.
And so what happens?
You don't even believe it'sgoing to happen for you.
You trust more in what youthink is true, more than what
Allah can do for you.
Speaker 3 (09:42):
I see.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
When you do that, your dua has become very like
Allah.
I want it to happen, butsubconsciously you don't think
it's actually going to happen,because you know that there's no
man out there for you.
Because you're believing it.
You're believing it already,feeding that into your dua and
Allah is like well, you alreadymade a decision that it's not
going to happen, right.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
Yeah, it almost feels like in your dua you're putting
an expectation on Allah, sayingyou should have done this for
me by now, because I've doneeverything right, but you
haven't.
That's what it almost feelslike.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
Yeah, that's what's part of it too.
But also I'm talking more aboutthe conviction, because one of
the prerequisites of answereddua is the conviction that Allah
can do anything.
But on a mental level, when wehave thoughts that like, prevent
it from feeling like Allah cando anything, that's when our
(10:36):
duas don't feel that muchconviction.
And I am not saying like, oh,like you know, oh, there's so
many healthy, amazing men outthere and all this, like you
don't have to believe that.
But what I am saying is, evenwith the evidence I see in front
of me, I don't care what I see.
I know that you can makeanything possible.
I only care about youracceptance and what you want
(10:57):
from me, and I don't care aboutanything else.
That level of conviction, that'sanother level.
That's the goal.
That's why we're here.
That's the goal.
That's why we're here, that'swhy we're being tested to get to
that level and that's why, whenI see people kind of
complaining about how, like it'sbeen 20 years, been this, been
that there is always a missingpiece, and I can usually tell
within the first conversationthey're stuck in the identity of
(11:19):
things don't work out for me.
Things don't ever work out forme.
For me.
Things don't ever work out forme, and that's where you know
people.
This is a very long topic butfor people really wanting more
like details on this andunderstanding this more in a
deeper level, I have a coursecalled the inner shift that
really explain this more indetail.
That help if you want to checkthat out.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
Inshallah.
We will ask you towards the endof the episode, to share, uh,
your um, classes and contactinformation.
Of course, but this reminds me,uh, when I was making dua for a
spouse, like I mentioned iteven before in another, in
another episode, I was sospecific with my dua, like it
was like ordering a burger, likeI knew I could speak to allah
(12:03):
directly he's not gonna judge meand I was very specific with my
dua and um, subhanallah.
It got answered, like every boxwas checked, subhanallah.
But these things, like youwould feel so awkward mentioning
them in front of your friend oryour sister and you're like,
they're like, just ask allah fora good spouse and that's it
right.
So you spoke of red flags.
(12:26):
What about green flags?
Speaker 1 (12:28):
yeah, I mean when you are operating from the best
version of yourself, when you'rebeing the most authentic
version of you.
That is the best screening toolbecause you immediately see
when someone is you know.
You know that, like you don'ttolerate disrespect first of all
, but you notice, you know whensomeone's respecting you.
(12:49):
You notice the way they talk,their character, the way they
bring up conflict, the way theynavigate conflict, the way they
respond to you.
All this stuff matters, right,and, like I always like to say,
right, it's good to also do yourlittle bit of research of, like
, what are what are some good,positive, healthy traits of a
relationship and adding that toyour wish list, adding that to
(13:12):
your do-it-list.
Like y'all, I want someone whois you know, helps me feel
understood and heard and listensto me and is good at problem
solving and is good at this andas good as that, and and all of
that is kind of a list of greenflags, right, and I always like
to.
Before I was married, I wouldlook at couples that I admired
(13:33):
and I would take note of thethings that I liked about them
to kind of, you know, I wantthis in my own marriage and so
things like that, you'd have tocome up with your own list of
green flags that you're lookingfor okay, uh, so how can you
differentiate between sell likesomebody who has
self-empowerment and they'reconfident and they know that
(13:54):
they deserve someone good, andbetween no one's good enough?
Speaker 2 (14:00):
no one is good enough for me.
I have to to be earned.
I'm a princess?
I don't know, because it's athin line, right.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
Right, and that is actually a protective mechanism
that people use when they say Idon't need anyone, I'm a
princess, they have to earn me,stuff like that.
Now, as a woman, you do seeyourself as like I am a catch.
But also there's humility,right, like I'm a human being,
that I am a worthy woman.
(14:30):
That's a human being that anyman would be lucky to have,
right.
But, however, there's humilitylike there's like I'm a human
being and I'm looking foranother human being.
It becomes when people are morecoming from fear.
It can often show up as more ofentitlement and I know I'm
(14:50):
pretty sure they're not doingthat intentionally.
They're doing it more out ofprotective mechanism and they're
not necessarily aware of it.
They think that's what they'retaught.
They think that's what willprotect them from someone
hurting their feelings, like youneed to earn my love and stuff
like that.
And I would guess right ifsomeone's saying that that's how
they, that's how theirchildhood was, like they needed
to earn the love, and now it'sshowing up in their
relationships and so all of thatis reflective on when the way
(15:14):
you, the way you grew up, willoften reflect in your
relationships and it's a, it's abeautiful thing.
I think it's when it uncoversall the triggers you have.
But yeah, so the differencebetween arrogance and confidence
is really your question, andthe difference is confidence is
I'm amazing and I know otherhumans are amazing too.
(15:34):
I'm not better than anyone.
I know I'm amazing and you'reamazing too.
Arrogance is I'm amazing andeveryone else is below me.
So that's really as simple as Ican answer it.
That's when you feel thedifference.
Confidence just feels good, itfeels like I just love.
I see everyone as Allah'screation, like no one is worse
(15:56):
or better than me.
We're all the same, we're alllike you know.
So that's confidence.
Speaker 3 (16:01):
Yeah, I wanted to go back to green flags earlier.
Sometimes what happens is like,alhamdulillah, hiba and I we
just spoke for barely a monthand a half and they were like,
ok, we're going to get our niqabdone.
We knew.
But what happens to some peopleis that they see all the green
flags and they're answering allthe questions and the pace
(16:22):
starts to pick up and then itgets scary and you think, no way
, this person just can't be thiscompatible with me.
I got to slow it down a bit, Igot to pump the brakes and we
actually saw this a little biton the Muslim Matchmaker too,
about pace and slowing it down.
So it becomes a tricky thingwhere you, okay, green flags are
(16:45):
great, this person iscompatible.
But then we have to talk aboutpace, and so what would you say
to somebody who's kind of inthat scary situation?
Speaker 1 (16:53):
yeah.
So infatuation when it takesover, it's very hard to kind of
manage it.
So usually when someone's goingat a really fast pace, they're
infatuated and it's a little bitdriven from anxiety of like I,
I don't want this to end.
Like if it ends, I'm like thatmeans it's another failure and I
don't want it to end.
So, uh, they, how does thatshow up?
(17:13):
It's like usually like alwaystalking and making sure they're
doing it right so that they, theconversation doesn't end.
So there's very little room for,or tolerance for, any silence
or discomfort or just like space.
And so the strategies here andit is more of a strategy is you
(17:33):
have to communicate, that youhave to communicate in the
beginning.
Hey, I feel like I feel likewe're going a little too fast.
I would like, if we took it alittle slower, just so I can,
you know, take the time toprocess things and live my own
life.
I don't want to like completelydisconnect from my life and
focus on you, and it helps tojust kind of build up strategies
to protect your own life, andwhat I mean by that is you only
(17:57):
set certain times to talk tothem throughout the day and
after that you plan likesomething to do, like going out
with your friends or going tothe masjid or something Right,
so that you have a hard stop andyou don't spend the rest of
your night talking to them or,you know, not talking to them at
night.
I had a very strict rule on this, right, like, bedtime is
bedtime, there's no exceptionshere.
Like you go to bed, you cantalk tomorrow.
(18:18):
You don't have to talk at night, even though it's tempting,
even though it's tempting.
But, like, you have to have putup rules for yourself so that
you don't fall into that,because, again, infatuation will
lead to a really fast pace andthings crash right away.
So you don't have to be afraidof it, it's normal, but it's
it's more of like setting upguardrails for yourself so that
you can protect yourself.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
If you're overwhelmed and burdened and just don't
know where to seek help, let ushelp you.
We can be your personalmatchmakers.
Visit us at halalmatchca andbook a free call with us.
Speaker 2 (18:52):
Speaking of Muslim matchmaker.
So the last episode beforeRamadan, we critiqued this show.
We had a lot to share and Ijust would like to know your
input, your thoughts on the showor, um, not just the show as
entertainment, but on the wholeprocess of the matching how it's
done, the guidance, theconversations yeah, I mean, I
(19:16):
just I watched it because myclients were telling me to watch
it and I was like all right,fine, I'll watch it.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
And it was just interesting to see, you know,
the, the, the.
I.
I liked seeing the differentexamples.
I liked seeing, like, howthings were, were talked about
and stuff, and I think, um,though, I like to use some of
these examples as like to showmy clients like, look, this is
what anxious, avoidantattachment looks like, this is
what this attachment looks like.
So that's kind of where mythoughts were.
(19:41):
I was like you know, it's just,it's a starting off show, it's,
it's, it's like the beginningof inshallah.
Many shows have that will helpand and, uh, show people that
they're not alone in thematchmaking process yeah, yeah,
yeah, uh.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
Okay, you spoke or spoke of, uh, attachment styles.
Tell us a little bit about that.
How does that present itselfwhen people trying to get to
know each other?
Speaker 1 (20:05):
Yeah.
So a summary of attachmentstyles.
It's there's a theory that apsychologist came up with that
the way you grew up as a babyand as a child, your attachment
to your parents, it shows up inyour adulthood.
So if you didn't get that muchattention or you didn't get the
attention you need, maybe thebaby starts getting more of like
(20:27):
it avoids even speaking upanymore because it's like what's
the point?
So how it shows up in adult andin your adult life is it avoids
any sort of intimacy,conversations or anything
opening up or anything.
Hard because it doesn't want toget close to anyone.
Because it is, it doesn't wantto.
Hard because it doesn't want toget close to anyone because it
doesn't want to risk rejection,it doesn't want to risk
disappointment.
Okay, so that's avoidantattachment.
Anxious attachment is I needsomeone to be with me, I need
(20:51):
closeness, I need to always bereassured, I need this, I need
that.
So that's more of the anxiousattachment side and it's a
spectrum, so it varies from oneside to the other and and it's
it's the.
The beauty of knowing what yourstyle is is you can catch when
you can understand your ownbehavior when it comes to
(21:13):
relationship and it's reallyhelpful in terms of marriage,
like understanding your, your,how it shows up in your marriage
, because me personally, I usedto be much more on the avoidance
side, but I also still noticeit coming up in my marriage.
I notice my habits coming up.
For example, if we argue orsomething happens, I tend to
(21:34):
withdraw and just not want totalk about anything.
I just go to my room.
But it's just good to know,it's good to know that those
habits come up and that way Ihave a way of managing it when I
do know, when I do noticemyself getting triggered.
So I talk about attachment stylea lot, because the way you feel
as you're getting to knowsomeone, all of that is going to
(21:55):
get triggered and it usuallyhappens in romantic
relationships, something.
Sometimes it happens infriendships and stuff like that.
But, um, it just helps to knowso that you can either manage it
or avoid it and so that thoseis what.
That's usually what blocksconnection from actually
happening and and sabotagespeople from actually getting
(22:17):
married okay, I take itavoidance and uh, what's the
other one?
Speaker 2 (22:22):
anxious?
Speaker 1 (22:23):
they don't go well together so surprisingly they
actually those are.
That's the most common dynamic,because, right, yeah, it is.
It's.
It's kind of like the anxiousalways needs the avoidant and
the avoidant kind of runs awayfrom it.
So like the unhealthy kind ofdynamic is when that happens.
But when you come together in amore secure place, that's what
(22:48):
so typically like,stereotypically, the men is
usually more avoidant than thewoman, but also, obviously
that's not a general rule.
But yeah, it's very common.
But it's just more aboutlearning how to navigate it and
it's not a problem.
It's more about learning how tomanage it together as a couple.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
Okay, first impressions.
How can somebody leave a goodfirst impression when they're
meeting someone, whether it's ata matrimonial event or meeting
virtually or through a friend orwhatever?
Speaker 1 (23:22):
Yeah.
So the first thing is, first ofall, make the intention.
I just want to meet the personthat's meant for me and allow me
to leave a good impression onthat person.
Okay, intention always matters.
So how to leave a goodimpression is are you operating
from the authentic, real versionof you?
The real version of you willshow up and sometimes she's
(23:44):
nervous, sometimes he's nervous,but it's okay.
He's here to get to know eachother as human beings.
So you, you put your, your,your, your authentic, as in like
, okay, I know, I know I'm agood spouse, I know I could find
the, the spouse that's meantfor me here.
So let me see, is this, is thisthe person that I want to be?
When you talk to them, and youtalk to them as a normal human
(24:05):
being and you don't, you know,you get to know them more as a
friend and like.
The intention is more of like,let me see if I could be friends
with them, as in.
I'm not saying like, be friendswith them, but like for more
for the, for the intention oflike, let me see if this is
someone I can be with so that,uh, so that we can be married.
Inshallah, and that did that.
(24:26):
All of that, like the reframingof that, helps you come into it
into a much more calmer uhapproach.
But I wouldn't worry too muchabout like.
What do people think of me?
What's my first impression?
It's more about um, I'm goingto operate from the best version
of me.
I'm going to operate from themost authentic version of.
I'm going to operate from themost authentic version of me and
if they like me, great.
And if they don't like me, I'mgoing to try my best to like not
(24:49):
take that personally and like.
It's okay that some peoplewon't like.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
Okay, we spoke about I mentioned matrimonial events,
so you're probably aware of theway matrimonial events happen.
In most places it's just aspeed dating.
You're sitting on a table withthis person for three, five
minutes, then you're rotating.
You're rotating, so it is anoption out there.
(25:16):
It's not the best option, butit is an option out there.
If somebody wants to try it out, try this option out.
There is an option out there.
If somebody wants to try it out, try this option out.
What would you suggest?
The best way to make the mostout of it?
Speaker 1 (25:30):
Like it's not a perfect situation.
Yeah, I mean, when you'recoming from a place of I wonder
if my spouse is here, I wonderif the person that Allah wrote
for me is in this room you comeat it from a very curious
perspective.
If the person that Allah wrotefor me is in this room, you come
at it from a very curiousperspective.
What I usually see is women ormen already thinking ahead of
time this is not going to work,this is going to suck, this is
(25:51):
going to be terrible, andobviously you're not going to
show up authentically.
Your energy is going to be justthe same as everyone else.
But what would make you standout is if you see it as an
opportunity, an adventure to belike oh, I wonder how I can have
fun while I'm here.
Right, have fun and, as in likea, not not make it like this
dreaded.
Oh, my god, I have to gothrough this before I'm like I
(26:11):
wonder if I would meet myhusband, like, maybe this, maybe
this could be a, maybe thiscould be it.
And you know, if it doesn'thappen, hamdulillah.
If it happens, it's not, it'svery like neutral, it's light,
it's not this heavy thing yeah,that's great.
Speaker 2 (26:24):
When we take our clients on meetings, we sit with
them, all of that, we tell themget like, come to the meeting
with um with the thought thatthis might be my future husband,
this might be my future spot,my future wife.
So, just like you said, the wayshow up, the way you ask them
questions, it makes a hugedifference.
Speaker 3 (26:45):
Yes, I was going to add to that too, because when we
take our clients out, we havelike a pre-date coaching session
and we say the same thing, likedon't have a default, no
mindset right, when you justcome in thinking this probably
not going to work, but hey, I'lljust try it out anyways.
So yeah, totally agree withwhat you're saying there if
(27:05):
somebody suspects they are beingstrung along.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
What are some concrete signs to look for?
Speaker 1 (27:12):
well, first of all, make sure both of you are on the
same timeline, on the same page, right?
So I, the way I teach things,is like, make sure you're both
discussing hey, let's talkseriously for like at least 90
days and make a decision by theend of 90 days so that we either
agree to move forward or not.
And I wanna make sure we're notwasting each other's time, and
(27:34):
I really respect your time, yourespect my time and you have
that conversation and you cantell, like, if someone's like no
, don't want to do that, or no,I want to take longer, or this,
it's like okay, I mean, why doyou need to take longer?
Oh, because I'm not sure.
I'm not that I'm.
And then you can tell, kind of,with time, as you develop your
emotional intelligence and stufflike that is like oh wait, like
(27:57):
they're kind of stringing me,like they're not really.
And and also another thinghumans, and don't intentionally
try to string other people along.
It's not like theyintentionally have a negative,
uh, intention, it's more aboutthey.
They're not aware why they'redoing it.
There there may be, let's say,if it's a man stringing along a
(28:19):
woman, it's more about, um, hedoesn't know what he, he wants
and he's kind of confused maybesometimes.
So it just helps to have thatconversation to make sure you're
both on the same page.
And when the man clearly says Idon't know and I don't think
it's going to happen within thenext year or whatever they're
like, it's your job as a womanto end it.
It's your, it's yourresponsibility to make sure you
(28:43):
don't let yourself get strungalong.
But what happens is if a womanis desperate or she needs to
make this work, she won't seethose signs and she won't have
that conversation and she'll tryto force him to make it work.
And that's when things get toomessy and you literally get
strung along.
Speaker 3 (29:02):
Well, sometimes it happens because there's a lot of
fear associated with it too,like, okay, this person is
serious.
Then you start to get nervousand you think, okay, now I have
to figure out X, y, z, I have tofigure out.
What am I going to tell myparents?
How am I going to figure outliving arrangements?
There's so much to figure out.
And then your fear starts tokick in.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
And a lot of guys have fear of commitment as well,
Maybe because of the many badexperiences they hear around
them.
My friend got divorced and shecleaned him out or something
like that.
So a lot of guys they have theintention of getting married,
they have good intentions butthey get scared and run away.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
Yeah, I mean, I would say there's also women who are
like this too.
This goes back to the avoidantattachment style afraid of
commitment because it's such abig heavy thing to them, because
they're afraid of, you know,potential like what if we get
divorced?
What if this never actuallyworks out?
What if all this comes up?
And what if I fail?
And what if all this comes up?
And what if I fail?
And what if all all of the thefears come up?
Right and to to process that isfor for an avoidant is to learn,
(30:07):
like what are you actuallyafraid of?
And talking yourself through it, talking yourself through okay,
if this problem comes up, thisis what I'm going to do to to
protect myself, to protect theperson.
Like you know, I'll figure itout and I'll do what it takes to
heal from my past so that Idon't bring that into my
marriage, and I'm not going to.
I know I'm not going to beperfect and it's not going to be
perfect, but I'm going to dothe best that I can and I know I
(30:31):
will.
Like, I'll do my best to committo what I can, and some fears
will come up and somecircumstances will come up, but
that's meant to train you tobecome the person that you need
to be okay, um, what would yousay to someone who has, maybe,
negative view on coaching?
they're like, no, I can figureit out, but they're clearly
(30:53):
struggling yeah, I mean, Ialways say, like coaching always
speeds up things, right, itgets you there faster because
you have a person pointing outyour blind spots.
And some people choose not tobecause they think either
they're ashamed of getting helpor it's like I don't want to
spend money because, like, whywould I do that when I can
figure it out myself?
And that's a choice, right,that some people I've seen
(31:14):
people spend years and years andyears trying to figure it out
on their own, when if they wereto have one session with me, I
I'd be like, yeah, this is theproblem, and like they save
themselves, like years, right.
And they're like, why don't Ifind you earlier?
Speaker 2 (31:28):
Right.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
And it's like, yeah, well, you have to be open to
coaching and it takes somehumility to be like you know I
need help.
This is hard, right, but it's,it's not.
It's not a shameful thing.
Like I to this day, I I have acoach and I will always have a
coach, because it really helpsto check out my blind spots and
things and areas that I don'tsee, and there's nothing to be
(31:49):
ashamed of.
And the more I work with acoach and have a whole other
brain, looking at my brain, itjust elevates and evolves me and
I see things much differentlyand more clear.
And if I didn't have that, I'djust be stuck in my own thoughts
.
And you can't solve a problemwith the brain that created it.
As is the quote einstein right,you can't solve a problem with
(32:11):
the mind that created it.
So if your mind is the problemyou can't solve, that it's.
You need an outsider to kind ofhelp you look at it sometimes.
Speaker 3 (32:19):
Out of curiosity, how often do you get males seeking
out your professional help?
Speaker 1 (32:28):
I always have like.
Right now I have about.
I'm trying to count three, fouror five male clients out of 25.
Speaker 3 (32:34):
Okay, it's still a small number out of 25, but
that's still good to know thatmales I'm grateful.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
Yeah, they're incredible, terrible humans.
Alhamdulillah, they're doingtheir best to get the help they
need, but for sure, there areplenty of men out there who do
look for help, who do try to.
They just need to push everynow and then, yeah, and we need
to.
You know, help men feel saferto actually get the help they
need and not judge them and notmake them feel like belittled
(33:02):
for that.
So that's, I think that's whatwe need to do.
Speaker 2 (33:06):
Okay, take us through it a little bit.
Take us through what you doexactly.
So let's say, I've beenstruggling, I can't find the
right person.
I've been struggling for sevenyears and I don't know what I'm
doing wrong.
And I come to you what wouldyou do struggling?
Speaker 1 (33:22):
for seven years and I don't know what I'm doing wrong
and I come to you what wouldyou do?
Yeah, so my first approach is Isee what you've been believing
like as an identity.
Wise, what's your identity?
An identity is the set ofthoughts that you've been
believing about who you are.
Okay, as an example, I'msomeone who struggled for the
past 10 years with marriage.
So what does that mean as anidentity?
It means I'm someone whostruggles with relationships.
I'm someone who struggled forthe past 10 years with marriage,
so what does that mean as anidentity?
(33:43):
It means I'm someone whostruggles with relationships.
I'm someone who reallystruggles, and what happens is
when you believe that the brainwill keep operating from that
belief.
So I'm someone who struggles.
Therefore, everything you dowill feel like a struggle.
It will feel like I can'tfigure it out, I can't do this,
(34:04):
I can't do that.
So what I do is I help themcome from a more neutral
perspective.
Right, we're just learning abrand new skill.
We don't need to bring the pastwith us.
We're learning how.
I'm learning the skill of howto be in a healthy relationship,
instead of believing I strugglewith relationships because that
thought doesn't serve you.
That thought just reiterates thesame negative thoughts over and
(34:27):
over again.
That's one of the core beliefs,right, and this is really deep
work, right?
I feel like some peoplelistening to be like what the
heck is this?
But like, when you're operatingfrom this belief, all the other
negative thoughts stem fromthat.
So I always look for the corebelief and then whatever stems
from that, and we knock it downlike dominoes every now and for
every, with every session, andat the end they feel a lot more
(34:50):
confident about themselves,first and foremost.
And when you're more confidentabout yourself, you're more
flexible about what you'relooking for and what you want.
You're not as rigid in thecriteria that you're looking for
because you realize you'reconfident you can handle any
problem that comes up okay,sounds like intense work, yeah
it is.
It's very intense, but it's it's.
(35:11):
It's very transformational, itevolves.
People don't recognizethemselves after six months, so
wow, can you share some stories?
Speaker 2 (35:20):
some, of course, keeping it private, but like
some transformations yeah.
Speaker 1 (35:25):
So I had like one, one person that's coming to mind
.
I think she's in her 40s,something like that, but um,
it's 39 now.
I think about it.
But um, she came to me veryanxious, right.
Every time she would textsomeone, a lot of anxiety comes
up.
Are they going to text me back?
Are they?
Um, do they like me enough, dothey?
This is probably not going towork out, and what happens is
(35:48):
she sabotages it whenever thenext time she talks to him,
she's talking from anxiety, likewhy didn't you answer me?
Why did this?
And not even directly saying it.
But even her energy was justoff every time.
Okay, her, her, just herdemeanor was not very confident
and so, obviously, if a man seesthis, he's not going to be like
wow, what is this?
He's going to leave becauseit's not not something you want
(36:09):
to be with.
So the transformation is when wewe really focused on her
self-concept, the way she sawherself, the way she handles
rejection, the way like whatdoes it mean when someone
doesn't text you back?
It just means nothing.
It just means that it doesn't,it's.
We don't need to make it abigger thing about you and all
that.
And we work on the ego we workon.
(36:30):
The ego is one of the biggestthings.
Right is like feeling veryashamed about yourself, and ego
comes in different forms.
It comes from like what's wrongwith me, why is this happening
to me?
And, on the other end of thespectrum, like you know, very
prideful as well.
So it's a lot of ego work andwhen you do that, at the end the
(36:51):
transformation was every timeshe talked to a potential, she
just felt so like, socomfortable, like hamdulillah,
like if it works, it works, ifit doesn't, who cares?
Yeah, she never thought shewould be someone at that point
and now, alhamdulillah, she'stalking to potential.
She's much more like, much morelike.
One of them is kind of likemoving along and it's just.
It feels much more relaxing.
(37:11):
Right, we don't need to stressout about it, we don't need to
panic, it's just Allah is taking.
The tawakkul is so much morehigher than the emotions and the
emotions is just like whatever.
It's just there.
Every now and then I get a fear,but it's more the base, the
solid baseline is.
I know Allah has a personwritten for me and all I have to
(37:33):
do is keep showing up withauthentically in myself and do
my part and, inshallah, it'llwork.
So that's the work, right?
It's not just about marriage,and to me, my work is never just
about marriage.
It's about this is the skillthat we're trying to become the
prophetic.
We're trying to become likeRasulullah, sallallahu Alaihi
Wasallam.
And what does that mean?
It means doing the work on yourego, doing the work on your
character to become someone whodoesn't get phased by things
(37:56):
like this, which leads to a veryfulfilling marriage, which
helps you become just strongerin who you are.
Speaker 3 (38:04):
It literally does sound like you're just rewiring
people's brains, which?
Speaker 2 (38:08):
is amazing.
It's so cool.
It's amazing that people areopen to this.
Speaker 1 (38:14):
Oh, of course there's so many women Like why wouldn't
you, why wouldn't you want it?
Because?
Speaker 2 (38:20):
like we're naturally going to resist change.
Nobody changes, Scary right.
Speaker 3 (38:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:26):
Yeah, but if it's a change that will serve you to
feel better, your brain will bemore motivated.
Right, it's not like change,like oh, there's no outcome,
like you know, it's going tomake you feel better.
Right, right, right.
Speaker 3 (38:40):
Plus, I feel like the stigma behind mental health is
changing the general attitude.
People are becoming moreaccepting and open to it.
Speaker 2 (38:48):
Yeah, One last piece of advice, something a practical
advice you can give someonewho's looking, who's struggling
and maybe on the brink of givingup yes, first of all, I do
recommend getting the help youneed.
Speaker 1 (39:06):
Don't try to do this alone.
It's it because doing it alonewill only perpetuate those same
exact thoughts, and I've seenpeople try to do this alone.
It's it because doing it alonewill only perpetuate those same
exact thoughts, and I've seenpeople try to do it alone.
They just end up exactly wherethey they were at the beginning.
So you could read all theself-help books and do all that,
but that doesn't really changeunless you have someone to
actually point out exactlywhat's going on and and, at the
(39:26):
same time, um, like the, thedon't giving up part.
Sometimes allah will put you inphases where you do feel
hopeless, and those are thetimes where you call out to
allah ya allah, I need your helpand I, I don't like feeling
hopeless, ya allah, and I, Idon't like feeling broken, I
don't like feeling worthless.
But help me heal those feelings.
(39:46):
Help me heal those, thoseemotions, so that I can become
closer to you, and to redirectyour thoughts and your dua not
to a place of like.
Ya Allah, I want to get married, ya Allah, I want to heal the
parts of me that are so woundedthat I think a man will help fix
it.
It's not true.
Marriage will not fix yourproblems.
(40:07):
I think marriage actuallyemphasizes whatever problems you
have.
It makes it times 10.
It just shows up extremely morein a marriage because all of
it's more triggered.
But if, if you want sakina inyour marriage, you've got to be
the source of sakina foryourself, how are you going to
bring sakina and expect theother person to do it for you if
you don't feel sakina inyourself?
So we, we pray in a way likeyallah, I, I want marriage
(40:32):
because I want to feel sakinah.
But, yallah, give me what Ineed.
And when I say, give me what Ineed, like, give me the emotion,
the, the emotional stabilitythat I need, the, the ability to
, to not lose hope in you,yallah, to not lose hope in, in,
in all these things that's onmy mind, and to become stronger
in who I am and all of this.
And I promise you, when youbecome that version of you that
(40:53):
you've always wanted to be,becoming a.
Finding a spouse is very easy,but what gets, what we get
caught up in, is the drama andthe emotions of how hard it is
and it's I'm never gonna find it, and all that?
And why are we trying?
Why are we trying to find aspouse in the first place?
Because we want to to, you know, we want to enjoy it, we want
to feel good, but you're ruiningyour own process in the
(41:14):
meantime by feeling this way, byfeeling like so hopeless and
like really down about it, so itdoesn't serve you in the long
term or for your dunya or yourakhirah either.
So I like to say just make dua.
I want Allah to be the centerof my world, not marriage.
(41:34):
I want allah to.
I want to be connected, soconnected to you, ya allah, that
I don't care about anythingelse and that I do things that
please you, ya allah, and onlysend me things that please, that
are pleasing to you, ya allah.
So when you do focus on thatand you work on, ya allah, give
me the skills to be in a healthy, beautiful marriage.
Give me the skills to learn howto navigate my triggers.
(41:55):
Give me this, all that, andthat will help Allah.
Inshallah, when you ask fromthe source of the one who can
help you.
Speaker 2 (42:02):
I love this.
Instead of focusing on theproblem, we direct our dua and
our energy on what can we do tobecome better and to become
closer to allah.
I love it.
It's, it's a gem.
Thank you, uh, okay, anyone whois interested in reaching out,
working with you?
How can they reach you and whatservices exactly do you offer?
Speaker 1 (42:24):
yeah, so you, um, I do have a public youtube page.
You can.
There's so much, so many manythings to learn on that, so you
just start there just to findout more about me.
See, if the my my, the way Italk, if it clicks with you,
then if it resonates with you,then we go to the deeper work,
which is, if you go on mywebsite it's lamaubakercom, it's
my full name,l-a-m-a-a-b-o-u-b-a-k-rcom you,
(42:49):
there's the inner shift course,which is, um, the kind of the
course that I kind of teach toto uh, take things to a deeper
level.
And then the next step, if youcan always uh, you can always
book a one-off session with meto get started, and I offer
different types of uh sessionsto to a variety of packages to
kind of look into.
(43:09):
But I would start there and myinstagram is um and same.
You can check me out there aswell and you can uh.
You can message me if you haveany questions on ways to work
with me inshallah.
Speaker 2 (43:22):
we will link all your , all these sources in the
description of this episode.
Um, thank you so much for yourinsight, for the hope I feel
hopeful, like I feel hopeful forevery, for single people out
there.
Yeah, thank you for your timeand thank you to our beautiful
listeners.
We will see you, inshallah, inthe next episode.
Salam alaikum.
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