February 7, 2025 • 27 mins
Today we're spilling the tea on how social media is turning our brains into mush when it comes to marriage expectations. From scrolling through picture-perfect weddings to comparing our own love lives to influencer highlight reels. We’ve all been there, feeling FOMO because your friend’s husband just bought her a Ferrari, while you’re getting excited about a new couch. Whether you’re married or still in the "single and scrolling" phase, we get into how social media makes us rush into things or feel like our lives just aren’t up to par. So, if you’ve ever wondered why your marriage doesn’t look like an Instagram post or felt like you’re missing out on a hashtag-worthy moment, tune in! It’s time to laugh, reflect, and hopefully put the phone down for a second.
Roadmap To Marriage Workshop - Free Sign Up Here
Got a dilemma or story? The Single Muslim Hotline is here for you! We’ll play your anonymous messages in future episodes and offer real talk. Drop us a voice note 👇🏻
https://www.speakpipe.com/DiaryOfAMatchmaker
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
A friend told me the other day when it's my time I
want my husband to propose to mein a helicopter flying over the
Toronto skyline.
I asked her where did you getthis idea from?
She said Instagram.
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
And I'm Zaid.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
So let's dive in Bismillah.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Assalamu alaikum everyone.
Welcome to another episode.
My name is Hiba and on theother mic is my husband and
co-host, zaid.
Assalamu alaikum.
So, guys, this was actually areal conversation that took
place, and I was baffled when Iheard this.
I was like is this persondetached from reality, or is
this something that most girlsthink is out there and should be
(00:52):
the norm?
Speaker 2 (00:53):
I wasn't too surprised because this girl is a
family friend and she's youngand I can tell she's naive and a
bit inexperienced, so I wasn'ttoo surprised when I saw that.
But it just reminded me of theinfluence that social media has
on expectations and it's not toofar off from what we hear when
(01:16):
we interview clients.
And it just reminds us thatwhen we start searching for
marriage, social media does playa big part, whether it's the
expectations like in the storyyou shared, in proposals, meher,
physical expectations the listgoes on and on.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
So let's talk a little bit about the
expectations when it comes toproposals and wedding trends but
you know before that thischallenge or this thing with
social media actually, like wewere saved from that in our
generation even though we're notthat old, by the way but in our
generation and the previousgeneration it wasn't something
to be concerned about.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
I mean instagram and facebook, and everything was
still around when we weretalking it's not like it was
okay.
So I guess the previousgeneration the previous
generation was safe from thatand um but what was the
equivalent for them?
For them.
It was probably what theirfirst cousin did, or what what
the?
Person down the street did likeoh, that person proposed uh on
(02:20):
a white horse.
Or this person gave a fiftythousand dollar marriage, right?
I mean, you mentioned that alot in arab culture, right?
Where marriage is all about alot of.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
It's become comparison yes, unfortunately,
yeah, but you know what actually?
You know, in our neighborhoodwe had a girl who um not as a
proposal, but we call it talalike when her husband came to
take her from her parents house,like to do the wedding itself,
he came, uh, in a helicopter wow, yeah, what do you guys call it
(02:54):
um like the, the last time thegirl is at her parents house and
she leaves city.
Yeah, yeah yeah, so he did it ina helicopter wow and actually
back then there was no Instagram, so I wonder where this idea
was inspired from.
But that's besides the point.
Yeah, let's dive in then.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Okay, so proposals and wedding trends.
We already mentioned one wherepeople see these clips on social
media and they think, oh man,like clips, like clips, like you
know, someone proposing on ahelicopter, somebody coming on a
white horse.
Um, what else do we see onsocial media?
Speaker 1 (03:32):
uh, these instagrammable pictures, I don't
know.
They're like on the top of amountain and he kneels or um
what else, like in a match, andsuddenly it's on the screen.
Would you marry me?
Or maybe this is more of anunmuslim thing, right?
Speaker 2 (03:51):
I think it's kind of seeped into muslims, muslim
culture also yeah um, but itjust reminds me I actually never
formally proposed to you Inever did.
It was just kind of anunderstanding we had a mutual
understanding, like, yeah, we'recompatible, we have many of the
same values, we like each other, let's just make this work.
(04:12):
And then we met and we gotmarried.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
That was it I remember when you showed me the
ring, we were at this.
Uh, what was it?
Waffle house or something?
Speaker 2 (04:21):
yeah, yeah, yeah it was.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
I think it was waffle house yeah, you showed me the
ring and I think you saidsomething like oh, should I get
on my knee, or something, but bythen we had already agreed like
we're getting married, I'm likeI'm not doing this, so it's
needless to say the importantthings isn't the proposal, it's
not like the fancy helicopter,the location of the proposal, I
(04:47):
mean, of course, these make forgreat stories for your kids and
grandkids no doubt for a pictureor for a picture yeah, they're
great, but um, don't that.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
Don't make that the primary expectation, that if he
doesn't propose to me this way,he's not romantic or he's not
worth it yeah right also tounderstand that.
You know, social media has itsway of putting filters on
expectations with guys, the sixpacks, the, the flawless uh,
(05:19):
beard right like each hair is inits bright place right, or the
girl wearing the hijab with theperfect folds and the pins are
in the right place and there'snot a single strand of hair
exposed any hijabi girl outthere knows this is not real
life.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
It takes us what, how , how long to put on the hijab
and we leave and we're not happywith it anyway.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
Right.
Or the guy you know driving upin a nice car, he's working the
beautiful office job and he hasthe corner office.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Yeah, right Like come on Harvey's office, the corner
office, harvey's office.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
From Suits Suits yeah .
Yeah, so remember this issocial media.
This is not real life.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
Hey, if you have a story to tell, we'd love to have
you on here.
You'll find a safe space oflisteners who can understand
what you're going through.
Just shoot us an email with asummary of your story at info at
halalmatchca.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
I think people have become aware that there is this
celebrity culture surroundingsheikhs.
That sheikhs I mean to no faultof their own, like mashallah,
like we have wonderful sheikhshere in the West, they're doing
great work.
(06:41):
But, what's happening is thatour kind of naivete is putting
these sheikhs up on a pedestaland failing to realize that they
are human beings.
And now we're forming thiscelebrity culture where we think
, oh my god, sheikh.
So and so is coming, I have tobuy this thousand dollar ticket
so I can get front row seats andwatch him say bismillah and
like I'm going to be mesmerized.
Like there are human beings,they, uh yes, it's important
(07:04):
that we gain wisdom from themgive them respect give them
respect, but we also um notpraise them to the point where
we think that they're not humanbeings.
So how does that tie into this?
Because when we startidealizing sheikhs, when we
start putting them on a pedestal, it it does, in a way, start
creeping into our religiousexpectations of a spouse Right
(07:29):
that we think so-and-so.
Sheikh has a fistful beard.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
He speaks a nice Arabic Right.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
And this is what piety looks like.
And if I don't find a spousethat meets these expectations of
such and such sheikh maybeunintentionally then this person
is not good enough for marriagethis is especially crucial for
girls, because us women us women, we are more attracted to um
(07:58):
like a guy's wisdom, his styleof speech, his intelligence.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
We're in.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
We're attracted to that more than looks right, and
I saw that in a case.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Actually, yeah, uh, with a young girl yeah, yeah, I
remember us girls were moresusceptible to thinking that
this is how a husband should be,and if I can't find this, then
this man is not fit enough to bemy husband, exactly.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
And remember that what you're seeing on Instagram
these customized clips of youknow, talking about sheikhs
giving that 30-second speech andgiving their words of wisdom
this is a result of an algorithmpushing certain content that is
feeding your thirst forreligious knowledge.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
And that's great actually, and that's a good
thing, yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
That's great, but understand that this is a result
of an algorithm, right, and sothe question to be asking
yourself is are yourexpectations yours, or are they
what the algorithm wants you tosee?
Speaker 1 (08:59):
Right, right, that's a very important question to ask
.
This is not the average man, bythe way.
These are like the.
You could say elite, not in thenegative way, not in the
negative sense, but the, thecream of the crop in terms of
knowledge dean.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
These are people who have studied for 10, 15 years,
people who have given speechesafter speeches, who have tons
and tons of experience, sothey've reached a certain level
after some time and um and thisis not the average man exactly.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
Yeah, so just keep that in mind.
Uh, I think that what men mightbe susceptible to thinking what
should be a perfect wife is themuslim influencers that you see
where they're doing, I don'tknow lifestyle influencers, like
you said, with their perfecthijab, perfect skin, perfect
body, showing their skincareroutine.
(09:55):
Uh, I don't know perfect cakes.
They can make all of that andthey think this is the average
girl and this, uh, this is whatI should find in a wife, when,
in reality, these reels takeforever to make oh yeah you have
filters.
You have I don't know, editingmusic that perfect hijab.
You're seeing that flawlessskin.
(10:16):
That's not the average girl.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
We've dedicated an episode prior to the importance
of core values, what they are,how you can figure those out and
the importance of using them asyour guiding compass.
Now, the constant consumptionof social media does have a
tendency to replace your corevalues or overtake them to a
certain extent, so it'simportant that when you are on
(10:41):
social media, you're able todetach the two.
Now realize this is these arecurated clips, filtered clips,
but my core values are what I'mgoing to use as my guiding
compass when I search for aspouse.
Social media also has a way ofmaking marriage look like it's
formulaic.
What I mean by that is and Isaw this on a clip recently that
(11:05):
led to a very heatedconversation between us where
the girl was commenting on abrother's comments about how you
want to find a wife who willstart from zero, who will drive
with you in that 20-year-old car, who will live in that one
studio apartment withcockroaches, and the point that
(11:28):
he was making is that you wantto grow with somebody.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Because this is a sign of love.
If they can, they're willing tosacrifice.
They're willing to sacrificeand grow with you.
This means they really love youand are going to stick by you,
Right?
This is what he said.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
And so what the sister's comment was to this is
that if you're in your late 20sor your early 30s, a girl is
looking for somebody who'salready stable, who's already
reached a certain pointfinancially, probably has a 401k
, has some savings and has agood car and is not at that
(12:02):
stage yet.
Now the problem I have withthat and I disagree 110%, the
problem I have with that isbecause life is not a set
formula, right?
Not everybody finishesundergrad, goes to grad school,
finishes grad school, gets theperfect job and, boom, they're
30 years old and they have theircareer, they have their 401k
(12:24):
and they have their career, theyhave the 401k, they have their
savings and they're at the stagethat this, like the sister, is
describing.
It doesn't work like that foreverybody.
Some people have to relocate,start over, some people have to
deal with not getting acceptedto grad school, some people are
starting entrepreneurship, andso they're making sacrifices so
(12:45):
that they can do something forthemselves.
Everybody is at a differentstage in life, but the important
thing is is that, are youwilling to sacrifice, or not
necessarily sacrifice, but be ameans of support right?
Is your main criteria financialstability or is it something
else?
(13:05):
And also, most likely, as asister, you're probably going to
be earning yourself too, soyou're most likely going to be
contributing.
The point is is that don't allowsocial media to set these
arbitrary expectations ofmarriage.
Where you know this person thatyou saw on social media
mashallah, he's in his late 20s,he has a well-paying job, he's
(13:28):
earning six figures, he'sdriving a nice car and if the
person I'm talking to doesn'tmeet this kind of criteria that
I saw on social media, then he'snot qualified for marriage.
Every guy and I know I'mspecifically talking about guys
every guy's at a different stagein their life, and the most
important thing you're lookingfor is whether or not he's
(13:49):
working towards something right,whether or not he has
independence, maturity,emotional intelligence.
These are important things thatyou can't put a price on, and
we've discussed that in previousepisodes.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Also something else we should take with a grain of
salt when talking about socialmedia, the advice we see on
social media, like don't just umblindly accept everything.
You hear every advice.
You hear even the advice we'regetting like let it pass through
a filter, think about it,process it.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
Maybe you disagree maybe it might not work for you
exactly.
Yeah um.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
So on social media, like there are a lot of accounts
, uh, professionals, coaches,mentors, and some have great
advice.
But sometimes, like you hearsomething and it doesn't sit
well with you.
So just because the person whosaid it has a long beard and
they're famous, it doesn't meanthat just accept it blindly.
(14:43):
Just Just the other day we sawa clip of what looked to be a
sheikh who was giving advice onwhat to disclose before marriage
, what sins not to disclose, andhe was saying that you are
under no obligation to share ifyou had premarital sex and if
you are asked, you are entitledto lie unless there is an STd or
(15:07):
an sti, and this definitely andhe even said that even if the
sister has like a bigunattractive mole on her back,
she doesn't need to disclose ityeah, so that's the part I
disagreed on and even he saidthat if the brother like doesn't
like it, sees it after.
If the brother doesn't like it,sees it after marriage and he
doesn't like it.
This is not grounds to nullifythe marriage and it didn't sit
(15:31):
well with me.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
So I mean we're not criticizing the Shaykh.
Much respect to the brother.
Whether he was a Shaykh, we'renot sure.
The point that we're trying todrive home is to take everything
you consume from social mediaand put it through a filter in
your head and check does italign with your values?
Does it go in line with theQuran and Sunnah?
Speaker 1 (15:54):
Does it make sense?
Speaker 2 (15:55):
Does it make sense?
Speaker 1 (15:56):
Sometimes you can just hear something and you
immediately feel, no, this isnot right.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
Or that hadith I think it was a hadith that um
habib kanday said like consultwith your heart yeah, is that
the right phrase?
Speaker 1 (16:10):
yeah, seek fatwa from your heart, even if other
people give you fatwa correct?
Uh, let's talk about comparisonculture that's a big one with
social media oh yeah, I thinkthat's kind of the known problem
with social media, thateverybody knows.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
And it's a problem whether you're married or you're
not married, because you seethat and you think, man, I have
to have this or I have to havethat, even if you can't afford
it, right, even if it's going tobe a burden for your spouse.
So there's not much to discusshere.
When it comes to a comparisonculture, I think the question to
ask yourself is are yougenuinely unhappy with your
(16:49):
situation or are you comparingit to someone else's highlight
reel?
Speaker 1 (16:54):
Even in the context of singlehood.
Are you genuinely unhappy withbeing single?
Or because you're seeing allthese reels and pictures of
happily married couples, andproposals and weddings and all
of that it makes you feel like Ineed to get married now, fomo,
I'm unhappy, yeah, fomo.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
To be honest, I started my search.
During that stage I saw a lotof my friends getting married
Some of them are having kids andI felt a little bit of FOMO.
I didn't want to miss out and Ithought I want to get married.
So I started my search andbecause of that it was a great
learning experience.
I didn't get married becauseduring the process I realized
(17:34):
that I needed time to figure outmy life, to get settled, to
figure out my core values.
I was rushing into things.
I was close to settling forsomebody that I knew was
physically unattractive to me.
And I was just making somewrong decisions.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
Yeah, even Maher, like some people, even they post
about their Maher.
Oh, he gave me I don't know twoblocks of gold.
He gave me a car, my Maher wasa Ferrari, my Maher was, I don't
know two blocks of gold.
He gave me a car.
My maher was a Ferrari, mymaher was I don't know this,
that, uh, our honeymoon was herehe was um, maher was hajj and a
ring.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
That's it cheap.
Yeah, I'm so cheap, um, but Iwanted to mention a clip that we
saw the other day that youactually showed to me, uh where
a Palestinian prisoner that wasreleased was reunited with his
wife after 22 years and he had aritual where he would go out to
the garden grab a rose and giveit, to give it to his wife, uh,
(18:34):
every morning, right yeah, andshe would make his coffee and
they would sit together and havetheir coffee and that's
beautiful to see and and I lovedseeing that.
But don't consume that and think, oh my god, my husband's not
going to do this for me everymorning, if we're not going to
have a rose garden and if he'snot going to come give me a rose
.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
This he's a horrible husband I want to wake up with a
rose next to my pillow everysingle day, right like these.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
Things are beautiful and we should aspire to be like
that, but don't look at that andplace that as your expectation.
If you're overwhelmed andburdened and just don't know
where to seek help, let us helpyou.
We can be your personalmatchmakers.
Visit us at halalmatchca andbook a free call with us.
(19:22):
Privacy and oversharing rightPeople, and this does become a
problem, especially when you getmarried.
People overshare and we'repretty conscious about this,
alhamdulillah.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
We try to be as much as we can.
Speaker 2 (19:38):
Yes, and we're very clear that the content that we
share, the stories we share, isspecifically related to helping
people getting married.
So if we're out going for awalk, we're not going to say,
hey look, everybody we're on awalk, or hey, we're grabbing
some falooda today this is whatwe cook.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
This is, but you see it like I don't know.
Baby revealing, baby sexrevealing on social media yeah,
um what gender reveal babygender ultrasounds, giving your
mom the news that you'repregnant, moving into a new
house.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
Yeah, I mean, this is what influencers do, and they
make a living doing these things, so that's their thing.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
But they don't realize the impact it has on
people.
Not everyone has enoughmaturity and confidence to
understand that this is socialmedia.
This is not real life, or atleast not for it can be, and
this is how they make theirliving exactly promoting these
this type of content the averageperson should not consume this
(20:42):
and use that as theirexpectation.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
we're not social media bashers.
We are on social mediaourselves.
We have to use social media asbusiness owners and social media
is a great way to connect withpeople to grow a business.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
You may even gain some knowledge, Islamic
knowledge.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Exactly To get your news.
You can do Al Jazeera Live on.
Instagram, so it's a tool.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
you can either use it to build a house or break a
house right, and it is importantto to find a balance there are
some practical things you canmake to try and minimize the
effect of social media on yourlife, on your expectations,
especially in the context ofmarriage, and I I'm sure most of
these, if not all, you'vealready heard them from experts.
(21:29):
Which is, of course, dedicatetime to unplug.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
Curate your feed intentionally to reflect your
values.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
Right.
So if you're following alllifestyle influencers or
lifestyle couples, then this isnot going to help you in
retaining realistic expectations.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
Mentorship is very important in this process.
In a day and age whereinfluencers are everywhere,
people are giving advice leftand right we want to be very
careful about who we're takingadvice from.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
Yeah.
So, in terms of marriage, seekhappily married couples as
mentors.
Learn from them about whatmakes a marriage work, how they
communicate, how they navigatetheir differences, their
arguments, and use that as anexample.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
One account that I could recommend that we both
like is T4Two.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
Yeah, yeah, taf and Victoria, happily, happily
married or, from what we can see, mashallah, happily married
couple, uh, they both had theirown struggles, they both, uh,
were previously married, theyboth had kids before and they
found each other and they'rehelping other couples, other
people, in their journey.
Yeah, so, yeah, highlyrecommended.
(22:46):
Follow that account, alsoembracing imperfection.
We need to remember we're allhuman beings.
No one is perfect, whether youor the person you're looking to
marry.
We said this a hundred timesbefore.
We're gonna say it again noone's gonna check all your boxes
, just like you're not gonnacheck all their boxes, so that's
(23:07):
okay.
If they, mashallah, have whatit takes to be a good husband,
have what it takes to be a goodwife, then embrace imperfection
so I'm curious to know what boxdidn't I check?
Speaker 2 (23:20):
that's a good question, uh I think because no,
no, that's a?
Speaker 1 (23:26):
that's a very good question.
I think it's because I didn'thave a set formula in my head of
this is what I want, right?
So it's not like I had anexpectation that you didn't meet
.
I just had a general idea thata person has to be close to the
dean of course practicing ofthese.
(23:46):
You could say general thingsbut.
I didn't have an expectationthat they have to have this uh
career or they have to look at acertain way, or they have to be
from this ethnicity.
So I didn't have boxes per seoh, okay what about me?
Speaker 2 (24:03):
oh, I knew you were gonna throw the question back at
me Honestly, you checked allthe boxes that I had in mind, so
you remember the threenon-negotiables.
I had right Ordeal breakers.
I'll say them really quickSomebody who had to be
respectful and understanding ofthe arts, somebody who would
(24:26):
make time for their physicalhealth, whether it's yoga or
going to the gym, in some regard.
And the third one, somebodywho's looking to grow
spiritually.
And you check those boxes.
Those were my three main boxesand um.
I'm flattered and I got morebecause now I can learn arabic
from you.
You have a background in sharia, so I can throw questions at
(24:46):
you um so I got more than Iasked.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Spouses with benefits Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.
And lastly, constantconsumption of social media can
erode our gratitude towardsAllah's blessings.
It can make us feel like Idon't have enough.
Allah doesn't love me enough.
Allah is not happy with me.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
And the constant need to seek more.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
To seek more exactly.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
So remember, if you like, alhamdulillah.
If you have a roof over yourhead, food on the table and
clothes on your back, you arebetter off than the majority of
the people in the world, andthat's a statistical fact.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
Yes, yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
So there we have so much to be grateful for.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
I mean, you could just open instagram and see
what's happening in the middleeast and instantly you should
feel a sense of gratitude hereexactly, yeah, even in terms of
marriages themselves, uh, it canmake you feel that you're
unhappy with your spouse, thatyou're already married to, that
they don't love you enough,they're not romantic enough,
like we said, we have so much tobe grateful for and realize
(25:54):
that if you are married I meanjust finding a compatible spouse
is hard enough.
Yeah Right, we don't need tomake it harder, we don't need to
make it harder.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
Be grateful for what you have, and we want to leave
you guys with a questionactually.
Have you felt pressure fromsocial media to meet certain
standards in your marriagejourney?
Do you feel like it's creepedinto your personal expectations
for marriage?
Speaker 1 (26:19):
or not Okay, I'd love to read your comments and you
can even send us a private mail,fan mail.
Email us, and you can even sendus a private mail, fan mail.
Email us and, like we alwayssay, if you have a story to
share your journey to marriageor marriage story, we'd love to
hear it.
If you want to come as a gueston our podcast, we'd love to
(26:41):
have you.
Just simply send us an email toinfo at halalmatchca and we
will connect with you.
Speaker 2 (26:45):
Inshallah, Until next time, as-salamu alaykum
As-salamu, alaykum.
A friend told me the other day when it's my time I
want my husband to propose to mein a helicopter flying over the
Toronto skyline.
I asked her where did you getthis idea from?
She said Instagram.
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
And I'm Zaid.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
So let's dive in Bismillah.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Assalamu alaikum everyone.
Welcome to another episode.
My name is Hiba and on theother mic is my husband and
co-host, zaid.
Assalamu alaikum.
So, guys, this was actually areal conversation that took
place, and I was baffled when Iheard this.
I was like is this persondetached from reality, or is
this something that most girlsthink is out there and should be
(00:52):
the norm?
Speaker 2 (00:53):
I wasn't too surprised because this girl is a
family friend and she's youngand I can tell she's naive and a
bit inexperienced, so I wasn'ttoo surprised when I saw that.
But it just reminded me of theinfluence that social media has
on expectations and it's not toofar off from what we hear when
(01:16):
we interview clients.
And it just reminds us thatwhen we start searching for
marriage, social media does playa big part, whether it's the
expectations like in the storyyou shared, in proposals, meher,
physical expectations the listgoes on and on.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
So let's talk a little bit about the
expectations when it comes toproposals and wedding trends but
you know before that thischallenge or this thing with
social media actually, like wewere saved from that in our
generation even though we're notthat old, by the way but in our
generation and the previousgeneration it wasn't something
to be concerned about.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
I mean instagram and facebook, and everything was
still around when we weretalking it's not like it was
okay.
So I guess the previousgeneration the previous
generation was safe from thatand um but what was the
equivalent for them?
For them.
It was probably what theirfirst cousin did, or what what
the?
Person down the street did likeoh, that person proposed uh on
(02:20):
a white horse.
Or this person gave a fiftythousand dollar marriage, right?
I mean, you mentioned that alot in arab culture, right?
Where marriage is all about alot of.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
It's become comparison yes, unfortunately,
yeah, but you know what actually?
You know, in our neighborhoodwe had a girl who um not as a
proposal, but we call it talalike when her husband came to
take her from her parents house,like to do the wedding itself,
he came, uh, in a helicopter wow, yeah, what do you guys call it
(02:54):
um like the, the last time thegirl is at her parents house and
she leaves city.
Yeah, yeah yeah, so he did it ina helicopter wow and actually
back then there was no Instagram, so I wonder where this idea
was inspired from.
But that's besides the point.
Yeah, let's dive in then.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Okay, so proposals and wedding trends.
We already mentioned one wherepeople see these clips on social
media and they think, oh man,like clips, like clips, like you
know, someone proposing on ahelicopter, somebody coming on a
white horse.
Um, what else do we see onsocial media?
Speaker 1 (03:32):
uh, these instagrammable pictures, I don't
know.
They're like on the top of amountain and he kneels or um
what else, like in a match, andsuddenly it's on the screen.
Would you marry me?
Or maybe this is more of anunmuslim thing, right?
Speaker 2 (03:51):
I think it's kind of seeped into muslims, muslim
culture also yeah um, but itjust reminds me I actually never
formally proposed to you Inever did.
It was just kind of anunderstanding we had a mutual
understanding, like, yeah, we'recompatible, we have many of the
same values, we like each other, let's just make this work.
(04:12):
And then we met and we gotmarried.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
That was it I remember when you showed me the
ring, we were at this.
Uh, what was it?
Waffle house or something?
Speaker 2 (04:21):
yeah, yeah, yeah it was.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
I think it was waffle house yeah, you showed me the
ring and I think you saidsomething like oh, should I get
on my knee, or something, but bythen we had already agreed like
we're getting married, I'm likeI'm not doing this, so it's
needless to say the importantthings isn't the proposal, it's
not like the fancy helicopter,the location of the proposal, I
(04:47):
mean, of course, these make forgreat stories for your kids and
grandkids no doubt for a pictureor for a picture yeah, they're
great, but um, don't that.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
Don't make that the primary expectation, that if he
doesn't propose to me this way,he's not romantic or he's not
worth it yeah right also tounderstand that.
You know, social media has itsway of putting filters on
expectations with guys, the sixpacks, the, the flawless uh,
(05:19):
beard right like each hair is inits bright place right, or the
girl wearing the hijab with theperfect folds and the pins are
in the right place and there'snot a single strand of hair
exposed any hijabi girl outthere knows this is not real
life.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
It takes us what, how , how long to put on the hijab
and we leave and we're not happywith it anyway.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
Right.
Or the guy you know driving upin a nice car, he's working the
beautiful office job and he hasthe corner office.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Yeah, right Like come on Harvey's office, the corner
office, harvey's office.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
From Suits Suits yeah .
Yeah, so remember this issocial media.
This is not real life.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
Hey, if you have a story to tell, we'd love to have
you on here.
You'll find a safe space oflisteners who can understand
what you're going through.
Just shoot us an email with asummary of your story at info at
halalmatchca.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
I think people have become aware that there is this
celebrity culture surroundingsheikhs.
That sheikhs I mean to no faultof their own, like mashallah,
like we have wonderful sheikhshere in the West, they're doing
great work.
(06:41):
But, what's happening is thatour kind of naivete is putting
these sheikhs up on a pedestaland failing to realize that they
are human beings.
And now we're forming thiscelebrity culture where we think
, oh my god, sheikh.
So and so is coming, I have tobuy this thousand dollar ticket
so I can get front row seats andwatch him say bismillah and
like I'm going to be mesmerized.
Like there are human beings,they, uh yes, it's important
(07:04):
that we gain wisdom from themgive them respect give them
respect, but we also um notpraise them to the point where
we think that they're not humanbeings.
So how does that tie into this?
Because when we startidealizing sheikhs, when we
start putting them on a pedestal, it it does, in a way, start
creeping into our religiousexpectations of a spouse Right
(07:29):
that we think so-and-so.
Sheikh has a fistful beard.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
He speaks a nice Arabic Right.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
And this is what piety looks like.
And if I don't find a spousethat meets these expectations of
such and such sheikh maybeunintentionally then this person
is not good enough for marriagethis is especially crucial for
girls, because us women us women, we are more attracted to um
(07:58):
like a guy's wisdom, his styleof speech, his intelligence.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
We're in.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
We're attracted to that more than looks right, and
I saw that in a case.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Actually, yeah, uh, with a young girl yeah, yeah, I
remember us girls were moresusceptible to thinking that
this is how a husband should be,and if I can't find this, then
this man is not fit enough to bemy husband, exactly.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
And remember that what you're seeing on Instagram
these customized clips of youknow, talking about sheikhs
giving that 30-second speech andgiving their words of wisdom
this is a result of an algorithmpushing certain content that is
feeding your thirst forreligious knowledge.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
And that's great actually, and that's a good
thing, yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
That's great, but understand that this is a result
of an algorithm, right, and sothe question to be asking
yourself is are yourexpectations yours, or are they
what the algorithm wants you tosee?
Speaker 1 (08:59):
Right, right, that's a very important question to ask
.
This is not the average man, bythe way.
These are like the.
You could say elite, not in thenegative way, not in the
negative sense, but the, thecream of the crop in terms of
knowledge dean.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
These are people who have studied for 10, 15 years,
people who have given speechesafter speeches, who have tons
and tons of experience, sothey've reached a certain level
after some time and um and thisis not the average man exactly.
Speaker 1 (09:32):
Yeah, so just keep that in mind.
Uh, I think that what men mightbe susceptible to thinking what
should be a perfect wife is themuslim influencers that you see
where they're doing, I don'tknow lifestyle influencers, like
you said, with their perfecthijab, perfect skin, perfect
body, showing their skincareroutine.
(09:55):
Uh, I don't know perfect cakes.
They can make all of that andthey think this is the average
girl and this, uh, this is whatI should find in a wife, when,
in reality, these reels takeforever to make oh yeah you have
filters.
You have I don't know, editingmusic that perfect hijab.
You're seeing that flawlessskin.
(10:16):
That's not the average girl.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
We've dedicated an episode prior to the importance
of core values, what they are,how you can figure those out and
the importance of using them asyour guiding compass.
Now, the constant consumptionof social media does have a
tendency to replace your corevalues or overtake them to a
certain extent, so it'simportant that when you are on
(10:41):
social media, you're able todetach the two.
Now realize this is these arecurated clips, filtered clips,
but my core values are what I'mgoing to use as my guiding
compass when I search for aspouse.
Social media also has a way ofmaking marriage look like it's
formulaic.
What I mean by that is and Isaw this on a clip recently that
(11:05):
led to a very heatedconversation between us where
the girl was commenting on abrother's comments about how you
want to find a wife who willstart from zero, who will drive
with you in that 20-year-old car, who will live in that one
studio apartment withcockroaches, and the point that
(11:28):
he was making is that you wantto grow with somebody.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Because this is a sign of love.
If they can, they're willing tosacrifice.
They're willing to sacrificeand grow with you.
This means they really love youand are going to stick by you,
Right?
This is what he said.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
And so what the sister's comment was to this is
that if you're in your late 20sor your early 30s, a girl is
looking for somebody who'salready stable, who's already
reached a certain pointfinancially, probably has a 401k
, has some savings and has agood car and is not at that
(12:02):
stage yet.
Now the problem I have withthat and I disagree 110%, the
problem I have with that isbecause life is not a set
formula, right?
Not everybody finishesundergrad, goes to grad school,
finishes grad school, gets theperfect job and, boom, they're
30 years old and they have theircareer, they have their 401k
(12:24):
and they have their career, theyhave the 401k, they have their
savings and they're at the stagethat this, like the sister, is
describing.
It doesn't work like that foreverybody.
Some people have to relocate,start over, some people have to
deal with not getting acceptedto grad school, some people are
starting entrepreneurship, andso they're making sacrifices so
(12:45):
that they can do something forthemselves.
Everybody is at a differentstage in life, but the important
thing is is that, are youwilling to sacrifice, or not
necessarily sacrifice, but be ameans of support right?
Is your main criteria financialstability or is it something
else?
(13:05):
And also, most likely, as asister, you're probably going to
be earning yourself too, soyou're most likely going to be
contributing.
The point is is that don't allowsocial media to set these
arbitrary expectations ofmarriage.
Where you know this person thatyou saw on social media
mashallah, he's in his late 20s,he has a well-paying job, he's
(13:28):
earning six figures, he'sdriving a nice car and if the
person I'm talking to doesn'tmeet this kind of criteria that
I saw on social media, then he'snot qualified for marriage.
Every guy and I know I'mspecifically talking about guys
every guy's at a different stagein their life, and the most
important thing you're lookingfor is whether or not he's
(13:49):
working towards something right,whether or not he has
independence, maturity,emotional intelligence.
These are important things thatyou can't put a price on, and
we've discussed that in previousepisodes.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Also something else we should take with a grain of
salt when talking about socialmedia, the advice we see on
social media, like don't just umblindly accept everything.
You hear every advice.
You hear even the advice we'regetting like let it pass through
a filter, think about it,process it.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
Maybe you disagree maybe it might not work for you
exactly.
Yeah um.
Speaker 1 (14:22):
So on social media, like there are a lot of accounts
, uh, professionals, coaches,mentors, and some have great
advice.
But sometimes, like you hearsomething and it doesn't sit
well with you.
So just because the person whosaid it has a long beard and
they're famous, it doesn't meanthat just accept it blindly.
(14:43):
Just Just the other day we sawa clip of what looked to be a
sheikh who was giving advice onwhat to disclose before marriage
, what sins not to disclose, andhe was saying that you are
under no obligation to share ifyou had premarital sex and if
you are asked, you are entitledto lie unless there is an STd or
(15:07):
an sti, and this definitely andhe even said that even if the
sister has like a bigunattractive mole on her back,
she doesn't need to disclose ityeah, so that's the part I
disagreed on and even he saidthat if the brother like doesn't
like it, sees it after.
If the brother doesn't like it,sees it after marriage and he
doesn't like it.
This is not grounds to nullifythe marriage and it didn't sit
(15:31):
well with me.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
So I mean we're not criticizing the Shaykh.
Much respect to the brother.
Whether he was a Shaykh, we'renot sure.
The point that we're trying todrive home is to take everything
you consume from social mediaand put it through a filter in
your head and check does italign with your values?
Does it go in line with theQuran and Sunnah?
Speaker 1 (15:54):
Does it make sense?
Speaker 2 (15:55):
Does it make sense?
Speaker 1 (15:56):
Sometimes you can just hear something and you
immediately feel, no, this isnot right.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
Or that hadith I think it was a hadith that um
habib kanday said like consultwith your heart yeah, is that
the right phrase?
Speaker 1 (16:10):
yeah, seek fatwa from your heart, even if other
people give you fatwa correct?
Uh, let's talk about comparisonculture that's a big one with
social media oh yeah, I thinkthat's kind of the known problem
with social media, thateverybody knows.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
And it's a problem whether you're married or you're
not married, because you seethat and you think, man, I have
to have this or I have to havethat, even if you can't afford
it, right, even if it's going tobe a burden for your spouse.
So there's not much to discusshere.
When it comes to a comparisonculture, I think the question to
ask yourself is are yougenuinely unhappy with your
(16:49):
situation or are you comparingit to someone else's highlight
reel?
Speaker 1 (16:54):
Even in the context of singlehood.
Are you genuinely unhappy withbeing single?
Or because you're seeing allthese reels and pictures of
happily married couples, andproposals and weddings and all
of that it makes you feel like Ineed to get married now, fomo,
I'm unhappy, yeah, fomo.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
To be honest, I started my search.
During that stage I saw a lotof my friends getting married
Some of them are having kids andI felt a little bit of FOMO.
I didn't want to miss out and Ithought I want to get married.
So I started my search andbecause of that it was a great
learning experience.
I didn't get married becauseduring the process I realized
(17:34):
that I needed time to figure outmy life, to get settled, to
figure out my core values.
I was rushing into things.
I was close to settling forsomebody that I knew was
physically unattractive to me.
And I was just making somewrong decisions.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
Yeah, even Maher, like some people, even they post
about their Maher.
Oh, he gave me I don't know twoblocks of gold.
He gave me a car, my Maher wasa Ferrari, my Maher was, I don't
know two blocks of gold.
He gave me a car.
My maher was a Ferrari, mymaher was I don't know this,
that, uh, our honeymoon was herehe was um, maher was hajj and a
ring.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
That's it cheap.
Yeah, I'm so cheap, um, but Iwanted to mention a clip that we
saw the other day that youactually showed to me, uh where
a Palestinian prisoner that wasreleased was reunited with his
wife after 22 years and he had aritual where he would go out to
the garden grab a rose and giveit, to give it to his wife, uh,
(18:34):
every morning, right yeah, andshe would make his coffee and
they would sit together and havetheir coffee and that's
beautiful to see and and I lovedseeing that.
But don't consume that and think, oh my god, my husband's not
going to do this for me everymorning, if we're not going to
have a rose garden and if he'snot going to come give me a rose
.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
This he's a horrible husband I want to wake up with a
rose next to my pillow everysingle day, right like these.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
Things are beautiful and we should aspire to be like
that, but don't look at that andplace that as your expectation.
If you're overwhelmed andburdened and just don't know
where to seek help, let us helpyou.
We can be your personalmatchmakers.
Visit us at halalmatchca andbook a free call with us.
(19:22):
Privacy and oversharing rightPeople, and this does become a
problem, especially when you getmarried.
People overshare and we'repretty conscious about this,
alhamdulillah.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
We try to be as much as we can.
Speaker 2 (19:38):
Yes, and we're very clear that the content that we
share, the stories we share, isspecifically related to helping
people getting married.
So if we're out going for awalk, we're not going to say,
hey look, everybody we're on awalk, or hey, we're grabbing
some falooda today this is whatwe cook.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
This is, but you see it like I don't know.
Baby revealing, baby sexrevealing on social media yeah,
um what gender reveal babygender ultrasounds, giving your
mom the news that you'repregnant, moving into a new
house.
Speaker 2 (20:13):
Yeah, I mean, this is what influencers do, and they
make a living doing these things, so that's their thing.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
But they don't realize the impact it has on
people.
Not everyone has enoughmaturity and confidence to
understand that this is socialmedia.
This is not real life, or atleast not for it can be, and
this is how they make theirliving exactly promoting these
this type of content the averageperson should not consume this
(20:42):
and use that as theirexpectation.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
we're not social media bashers.
We are on social mediaourselves.
We have to use social media asbusiness owners and social media
is a great way to connect withpeople to grow a business.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
You may even gain some knowledge, Islamic
knowledge.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Exactly To get your news.
You can do Al Jazeera Live on.
Instagram, so it's a tool.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
you can either use it to build a house or break a
house right, and it is importantto to find a balance there are
some practical things you canmake to try and minimize the
effect of social media on yourlife, on your expectations,
especially in the context ofmarriage, and I I'm sure most of
these, if not all, you'vealready heard them from experts.
(21:29):
Which is, of course, dedicatetime to unplug.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
Curate your feed intentionally to reflect your
values.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
Right.
So if you're following alllifestyle influencers or
lifestyle couples, then this isnot going to help you in
retaining realistic expectations.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
Mentorship is very important in this process.
In a day and age whereinfluencers are everywhere,
people are giving advice leftand right we want to be very
careful about who we're takingadvice from.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
Yeah.
So, in terms of marriage, seekhappily married couples as
mentors.
Learn from them about whatmakes a marriage work, how they
communicate, how they navigatetheir differences, their
arguments, and use that as anexample.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
One account that I could recommend that we both
like is T4Two.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
Yeah, yeah, taf and Victoria, happily, happily
married or, from what we can see, mashallah, happily married
couple, uh, they both had theirown struggles, they both, uh,
were previously married, theyboth had kids before and they
found each other and they'rehelping other couples, other
people, in their journey.
Yeah, so, yeah, highlyrecommended.
(22:46):
Follow that account, alsoembracing imperfection.
We need to remember we're allhuman beings.
No one is perfect, whether youor the person you're looking to
marry.
We said this a hundred timesbefore.
We're gonna say it again noone's gonna check all your boxes
, just like you're not gonnacheck all their boxes, so that's
(23:07):
okay.
If they, mashallah, have whatit takes to be a good husband,
have what it takes to be a goodwife, then embrace imperfection
so I'm curious to know what boxdidn't I check?
Speaker 2 (23:20):
that's a good question, uh I think because no,
no, that's a?
Speaker 1 (23:26):
that's a very good question.
I think it's because I didn'thave a set formula in my head of
this is what I want, right?
So it's not like I had anexpectation that you didn't meet
.
I just had a general idea thata person has to be close to the
dean of course practicing ofthese.
(23:46):
You could say general thingsbut.
I didn't have an expectationthat they have to have this uh
career or they have to look at acertain way, or they have to be
from this ethnicity.
So I didn't have boxes per seoh, okay what about me?
Speaker 2 (24:03):
oh, I knew you were gonna throw the question back at
me Honestly, you checked allthe boxes that I had in mind, so
you remember the threenon-negotiables.
I had right Ordeal breakers.
I'll say them really quickSomebody who had to be
respectful and understanding ofthe arts, somebody who would
(24:26):
make time for their physicalhealth, whether it's yoga or
going to the gym, in some regard.
And the third one, somebodywho's looking to grow
spiritually.
And you check those boxes.
Those were my three main boxesand um.
I'm flattered and I got morebecause now I can learn arabic
from you.
You have a background in sharia, so I can throw questions at
(24:46):
you um so I got more than Iasked.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Spouses with benefits Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.
And lastly, constantconsumption of social media can
erode our gratitude towardsAllah's blessings.
It can make us feel like Idon't have enough.
Allah doesn't love me enough.
Allah is not happy with me.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
And the constant need to seek more.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
To seek more exactly.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
So remember, if you like, alhamdulillah.
If you have a roof over yourhead, food on the table and
clothes on your back, you arebetter off than the majority of
the people in the world, andthat's a statistical fact.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
Yes, yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
So there we have so much to be grateful for.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
I mean, you could just open instagram and see
what's happening in the middleeast and instantly you should
feel a sense of gratitude hereexactly, yeah, even in terms of
marriages themselves, uh, it canmake you feel that you're
unhappy with your spouse, thatyou're already married to, that
they don't love you enough,they're not romantic enough,
like we said, we have so much tobe grateful for and realize
(25:54):
that if you are married I meanjust finding a compatible spouse
is hard enough.
Yeah Right, we don't need tomake it harder, we don't need to
make it harder.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
Be grateful for what you have, and we want to leave
you guys with a questionactually.
Have you felt pressure fromsocial media to meet certain
standards in your marriagejourney?
Do you feel like it's creepedinto your personal expectations
for marriage?
Speaker 1 (26:19):
or not Okay, I'd love to read your comments and you
can even send us a private mail,fan mail.
Email us, and you can even sendus a private mail, fan mail.
Email us and, like we alwayssay, if you have a story to
share your journey to marriageor marriage story, we'd love to
hear it.
If you want to come as a gueston our podcast, we'd love to
(26:41):
have you.
Just simply send us an email toinfo at halalmatchca and we
will connect with you.
Speaker 2 (26:45):
Inshallah, Until next time, as-salamu alaykum
As-salamu, alaykum.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Cold Case Files: Miami
Joyce Sapp, 76; Bryan Herrera, 16; and Laurance Webb, 32—three Miami residents whose lives were stolen in brutal, unsolved homicides. Cold Case Files: Miami follows award‑winning radio host and City of Miami Police reserve officer Enrique Santos as he partners with the department’s Cold Case Homicide Unit, determined family members, and the advocates who spend their lives fighting for justice for the victims who can no longer fight for themselves.