May 9, 2025 • 32 mins
You made istikhara... now you're just confused, dreamless, and wondering what’s next. Sound familiar? If you're in the marriage search scene, you've probably bumped into the mysterious world of istikhara, or worse, been "istikhara’d" (aka ghosted with a religious excuse).
Today we’re breaking down what istikhara is really about: seeking goodness from Allah, not outsourcing your decisions. We’re busting myths and sharing real stories from our matchmaking experiences where istikhara was misused as an emotional escape hatch.
Whether you're about to say yes to a proposal or just curious, this episode will help you make decisions with your heart, mind, and faith aligned. Plus we have a funny blooper for you to enjoy!
Got an istikhara ghosting story? Drop us a voice message!
Got a dilemma or story? The Single Muslim Hotline is here for you! We’ll play your anonymous messages in future episodes and offer real talk. Drop us a voice note 👇🏻
https://www.speakpipe.com/DiaryOfAMatchmaker
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
I did istikhara, now what?
I didn't get a dream.
I'm so confused.
Shouldn't Allah just give me asign?
I thought that was the purposeof istikhara.
What if I do get a dream?
Should I go talk to a dreaminterpreter?
I mean, she did ghost me theother day.
Isn't that Allah giving me asign this isn't meant to be?
SPEAKER_00 (00:23):
As-salamu alaykum, I'm Hiba.
SPEAKER_01 (00:24):
And I'm Zaid.
SPEAKER_00 (00:25):
You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
A
SPEAKER_01 (00:27):
podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
SPEAKER_00 (00:31):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
SPEAKER_01 (00:35):
So let's dive in.
SPEAKER_00 (00:36):
Bismillah.
SPEAKER_01 (00:41):
As-salamu alaykum everyone, welcome to another
episode.
My name is Zaid and on the othermic is my wife and co-host Hiba.
As-salamu alaykum.
Istikhara is definitely a wordthat gets thrown around a lot
when people are getting married.
Unfortunately, it doesn't getmentioned much when we're
talking about business, I don'tknow, degrees or anything, other
(01:01):
life important events ordecisions.
But especially when it comes tomarriage, this word is
definitely thrown around.
Whether it's daisies, Arabs, nomatter what culture it is.
And you see people on differentends of the spectrum.
Some people say, don't put toomuch emphasis and value on it.
Other people say, don't evenmake a move without doing it.
(01:24):
So if you are thinking aboutmarriage or you're just confused
about a proposal, then inshallahthis episode will benefit you.
SPEAKER_00 (01:32):
Have you ever been istikhared?
SPEAKER_01 (01:36):
I feel like that's such a Gen Z word.
It
SPEAKER_00 (01:40):
is, it is, yeah.
It's a big Gen Z word.
Typically it means that you'vebeen ghosted and by using,
somebody using the excuse of Iistikhared you.
SPEAKER_01 (01:49):
Yeah, yeah,
SPEAKER_00 (01:50):
I get it.
So have you been?
SPEAKER_01 (01:52):
Nobody that...
I don't know.
I've never talked to a girl thatsaid, okay, I'm going to do
istikhara and then I gotghosted.
Okay.
So I don't think I have beenistikhared.
What about you?
SPEAKER_00 (02:05):
Have you ever istikhared someone?
SPEAKER_01 (02:10):
No.
SPEAKER_00 (02:11):
No?
Okay.
Well, once, actually.
I prayed istikhara and I had afeeling that...
And I didn't follow my gutfeeling.
I didn't follow the, you couldsay, the answer of the
istikhara.
I went against it.
And I regretted it later.
SPEAKER_01 (02:28):
Okay, all right.
I want to hear about this.
SPEAKER_00 (02:30):
So, you know, I've been previously engaged, right?
Right, right.
And after, like, the first callwith the guy or something, I
prayed istikhara.
And I got this uneasy feeling.
There wasn't any, like, anyphysical signs or anything.
It's not like he said somethingspecific.
There was no dream or anything?
No, no dream.
Just this uneasy feeling.
(02:53):
But I suppressed it, convincedmyself that no, this is baseless
or whatever.
And I regretted it later, ofcourse.
SPEAKER_01 (03:04):
Oh yeah, because you did follow through with the
engagement
SPEAKER_00 (03:07):
and it broke off, right?
I remember.
But we're going to discusslater, inshallah, in the episode
how istikhara is answered.
Want to know if this is anactual answer for your istikhara
or this is just your fears andyour insecurities.
We'll get to that, inshallah.
SPEAKER_01 (03:22):
Yeah, inshallah.
So what is istikhara?
SPEAKER_00 (03:25):
Istikhara literally means asking for khair.
Is, the prefix of is, meansasking.
So istighfar is asking formaghfira, for forgiveness.
Istikhara, asking for khair andgoodness from Allah.
SPEAKER_01 (03:38):
Or the verb template I believe is Istafala.
Istafala.
I feel so smart right now.
SPEAKER_00 (03:44):
Yeah, Istakhara, Istafala.
And it's a dua of trust.
It's not a psychic hotline.
It's a sunnah.
Sunnah sahiha.
Sahaba mentioned in a sahih.
hadith mentioned in Sahihal-Bukhari that the Prophet ﷺ
used to teach us istikhara, duaal-istikhara, like he used to
(04:04):
teach us a surah from Quran,just emphasizing how important
it is.
And he used to teach usistikhara in all matters of
life, whether it's job, findinga job, whether it's marriage,
whether it's starting abusiness.
But because marriage is such ahuge decision, people usually
associate istikhara withmarriage.
(04:25):
And in this hadith that you canfind and the dua you can find at
like the fortress of muslim orany hadith book you can just
google it it's a very
SPEAKER_01 (04:34):
long
SPEAKER_00 (04:36):
yeah it's not long it's kind of the second part
repeats the first part but toeasily translate it in English
you're asking Allah you'readmitting your lack of knowledge
your lack of ability yourlimited perception of the future
you're admitting all of that toAllah and you're asking Allah oh
(04:56):
Allah if you know that thismatter is good for me in my life
in my livelihood and in myafterlife then make it easy for
me and make it possible for meand put blessings in it for me
and if you know that it's notgoing to be good for me it's
going to bring me misery maybeit's going to be good for you in
(05:19):
your life you're going to marrythis beautiful woman who's
gorgeous, but she's going topropel you away from the deen,
which is going to be terriblefor your afterlife.
So if you know that this matteris not good for me in my life,
my livelihood, or my afterlife,then take me away from it and
take it away from me and guideme to the khair wherever it is.
(05:42):
And make me happy with what youdecree for me, right?
Because sometimes Allah mightshow us an answer for our
istikhara, but we might not behappy with it.
Oh, why did this happen?
I really wanted to marry her.
I really wanted to marry him.
And we're not happy.
Like you're asking Allah forhelp, but you're not happy with
his help.
SPEAKER_01 (06:03):
Right, and sometimes the reason or explanation as to
why a decision didn't work outis apparent in the beginning,
and sometimes it's not.
Exactly.
Right?
Like, we sometimes hear crazystories of, oh, did you hear
about the accident that happenedjust an hour ago?
And I was just there, like, 15minutes ago.
SPEAKER_00 (06:25):
Right?
SPEAKER_01 (06:26):
Or, like, you hear crazy stories like that, right?
And...
My car broke down and I couldhave been there for a shooting
or a robbery or something.
SPEAKER_00 (06:36):
That's a clear cut sign, you could say.
Right, those are clear cutsigns.
But it's not always like this.
It's not always like that.
So before we talk about howistikhara is usually answered,
just a quick rundown of how toperform istikhara.
Simply, you pray two nafalrak'as, meaning you can't
combine the niyyah for istikharawith fard salah, like fajr, two
(06:58):
rak'as of fajr.
You pray two rak'a at any timeof the day you want except for
the karaha time the times we'renot supposed to be praying like
after asr for example and youmake the dua the istikhara dua
and you do it completely relyingon Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
(07:21):
you're not making a conditionaldua it's all about intention
right so
SPEAKER_01 (07:25):
just to clarify you pray the two raka'ah nafil you
sit down you grab your fortressof muslim you grab your phone
you pull up the dua you read thedua and then in during the dua
there's a section where you canask Allah regarding the specific
matter yes then you say thematter and then you complete the
dua and then you can end withanother dua or do you just
(07:50):
conclude at that point?
SPEAKER_00 (07:52):
No, even it's better to like praise Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala before you make thedua of istikhara or after it you
praise Allah.
You're not just like ordering apizza, right?
You're praising Allah.
You're putting your tawakkul.
More important than the wordsthemselves is the intention.
You're completely trusting Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala to guide
(08:14):
you.
SPEAKER_01 (08:14):
Right, and realizing that you are reliant and
helpless.
SPEAKER_00 (08:19):
Helpless, completely helpless.
Yeah, you are completely
SPEAKER_01 (08:21):
helpless and you need his guidance.
SPEAKER_00 (08:23):
And you don't need to go to sleep after you pray
it.
You don't need to, I don't know,do yoga or something like that.
SPEAKER_01 (08:32):
We'll get into the misuses and misconceptions in a
little bit.
But yeah, like you said, there'sno supernatural vibration or
anything like that.
And it's very straightforward.
That's it.
SPEAKER_00 (08:45):
So let's be practical.
You're considering someone formarriage, because we're talking
about marriage.
Right.
What is the formula to follow interms of tawakkul, istikhara,
research, whatever?
SPEAKER_01 (08:56):
So let's use our example.
Actually, did you do istikharawhen we were talking?
Of course.
Did I do istikhara?
I can't remember if I didistikhara.
I think
SPEAKER_00 (09:05):
I did.
I think you did.
I think we both said, okay,let's pray istikhara and see how
it goes.
SPEAKER_01 (09:11):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (09:12):
So you start with the research.
You're like researching thisperson.
Not in a creepy way, of course,but assessing, like you said,
assessing compatibility.
Maybe you can go check out theirsocial media just to see what
kind of content they share, howdo they think, all of that, what
kind of people they follow.
And you consult.
(09:34):
You consult trusted people.
Maybe you can ask around aboutthis person and the message that
they send and the community theyare.
Maybe families know each other.
SPEAKER_01 (09:45):
Right, the Quran does say, وَأَمْرُوا مُشُورًا
بَيْنَهُمْ Exactly.
Right, which translates as?
SPEAKER_00 (09:50):
Their matter, like they consult amongst themselves
on all matters.
All right.
And you, maybe you're confused,you seek the consultation of
maybe your father, your mother,someone who has more life
experience, you could say, ascholar.
And then...
(10:11):
Based on that, you make yourdecision best to your ability,
and then you pray istikhara.
that's important I have a friendfor example and I've never seen
anyone get that many proposalsmashallah yeah and the problem I
noticed with her or the patternI noticed with her is she's
(10:32):
using istikhara to refuse evenmeeting people so before even
meeting the person she wouldpray istikhara she's like oh I
didn't get a good feeling andshe doesn't even move to meeting
them or for families to meet
SPEAKER_01 (10:47):
so So that points to another question then.
Is there, like with you and I,there was kind of a stage we
reached where we felt like,okay, now we should do
istikhara.
So is there a stage at whichistikhara should be performed?
In the example of the friendthat you're talking about.
It's like she did it way tooearly, right?
Before even meeting the person.
(11:07):
So the advice I feel like you'regiving is at least meet the
person, assess compatibility, doa certain amount of legwork, and
then seek Allah's help.
But at the same time, can thatbe...
I don't want to...
give the wrong advice and say,seeking Allah's help should be
the last thing you do.
SPEAKER_00 (11:27):
No, it's not.
Okay, so let me rephrase.
Because a lot of times peopleuse istikhara in an emotional
way and not in a logical way.
Meaning, they pray istikhara inthe beginning and then they
don't take any steps.
They use istikhara to stop themand to limit them.
(11:50):
Right?
So my advice would be do yourdue diligence and then pray
istikhara before making yourfinal decision.
But if istikhara, and especiallylike in this specific case,
because it's becoming a pattern.
Right.
Yeah, so istikhara is being usedin the wrong way.
SPEAKER_01 (12:10):
Yeah, I get
SPEAKER_00 (12:11):
it.
Yeah, so...
istikhara is not a substitutefor doing your due diligence.
And due diligence is not asubstitute.
You're seeking Allah's help,like you said, while tying your
camel.
SPEAKER_01 (12:24):
Right, they go hand in hand.
So I do have a question, though.
Sure.
Is there a recommended time toperform istikhara?
I know you mentioned you can donafl prayers at any point in the
day, except the times that it'sforbidden to pray, but...
Most people, from what I hear,say you should do it after Isha
prayer.
(12:44):
Right?
Is there a recommended time todo it?
SPEAKER_00 (12:46):
There's no reference to that.
There's no base to that in theSunnah.
But I think the people say thatis because subconsciously
they've linked istikhara withseeing a dream.
SPEAKER_01 (12:59):
Right.
Yeah.
Okay.
But at the same time, goingalong that vein, it is, I think,
mentioned in the hadith whereAllah says that He comes down to
the lowest heaven on the lastportion of the night.
So I would assume that is a goodtime to make the dua of
istikhara to Allah.
So you wake up, you praytahajjud, you do the istikhara
(13:19):
dua and seek Allah's guidance.
SPEAKER_00 (13:21):
Is that fair?
That's a good time to make anydua.
But honestly, the most importantthing when praying istikhara And
even in dua in general, isn'tthe timing.
It's your sincerity.
It's your intention.
Because you could read the duain the most eloquent way and
recite it and sing it and praythe most, like the longest two
(13:45):
rak'ahs and wake up for tahajjudand all of that, but your heart
is not present, then this isgoing to be useless.
SPEAKER_01 (13:53):
True.
So how does Allah answeristikhara duas?
SPEAKER_00 (13:57):
That's a good question.
That's where most of theconfusion happens.
SPEAKER_01 (14:01):
For sure.
So the most commonly understoodways are through A, dreams, and
the second one are externalsigns.
People sometimes get so relianton dreams being the answer that
they think if they don't get adream that their istikhara
failed.
So let's expand upon dreams alittle bit.
Let's say we do get a dream.
(14:22):
What should we do with thatdream?
Should we associate it with ouristikhara?
Should we seek a dreaminterpreter?
How much value should we give adream after praying the
istikhara?
SPEAKER_00 (14:34):
So dreams happen naturally every time we sleep,
whether we remember what wedreamt or not.
And the problematic thing withdream is that you are deciding
this dream is a sign or this ismaybe just because I overate
before I went to bed, right?
or because I thought aboutsomething.
(14:55):
I was thinking about thisperson, about the istikhara all
day.
And then the brain, once we goto sleep, starts just going over
the entire day and the thoughtsthat came into our minds.
So that's a problem with dreams.
It's very unreliable, except ifit's such a clear sign.
It's such a clear dream thatit's hard to overlook.
(15:17):
For example, you prayedistikhara.
You're thinking about marryingthis girl.
You prayed istikhara.
You saw in a dream that nightthat on the wedding day, one of
your family members died, right?
or an, I don't know, anearthquake happened on the
engagement day or something likethat.
(15:37):
It's such a clear sign.
Then in that case, you seek, youcould consider that a sign.
But of course, after, like wesaid, we're going to keep saying
it over and over again.
After doing your due diligence.
It's not the first thing you do.
But, but.
SPEAKER_01 (15:55):
Not just, but don't just say, Interpret the dream on
your own.
Seek guidance from a scholar,from an imam or something and
say, I did istikhara, this iswhat I saw.
Can you give me some sort ofadvice?
SPEAKER_00 (16:07):
Exactly.
So I like what you said.
Seek advice from a scholar andnot a dream interpreter.
When I
SPEAKER_01 (16:14):
say dream interpreter, I mean a scholar
who is trained.
Now those are hard to find.
Exactly.
But someone who has some levelof training in understanding and
interpreting dreams.
SPEAKER_00 (16:24):
which is extremely hard to find because this field
of dream interpretation is justbecome a way to, a way for, what
is the word?
Superstitions.
a way for superstition, tospread superstitions and just
milk people of money.
It's a very, very shady, youcould say, and gray area.
SPEAKER_01 (16:48):
Yeah, and speaking of dreams, Hiba gets some crazy
dreams every now and then.
One morning she woke up and shewas like, you know, I had a
dream that was Gaddafi'sdaughter.
I
SPEAKER_00 (16:58):
don't know why.
Yeah, and they were coming forhim and I tried to warn him and
I don't know.
SPEAKER_01 (17:04):
Every morning I have to dedicate at least 15 minutes
to hearing about Hiba's dreamsbecause somehow she can recall
all her dreams
SPEAKER_00 (17:12):
every morning almost yeah but dreams are very
unreliable unless like we saidit's a clear clear clear sign
that if you mention this dreamto anyone they would immediately
say oh of course this is clear
SPEAKER_01 (17:27):
right what's wrong jumping in the sink
SPEAKER_00 (17:31):
in the sink yes
SPEAKER_01 (17:33):
Maybe
SPEAKER_00 (17:35):
that's why he vomited.
He ate, drank something.
What are
SPEAKER_01 (17:41):
you doing, man?
He was like sniffing around thedry food.
There's
SPEAKER_00 (17:45):
no food here.
Come, finish your food.
SPEAKER_01 (17:48):
Don't wait.
SPEAKER_00 (17:49):
Because if he's hungry.
SPEAKER_01 (17:50):
We're not happy with you right now.
Here, come here.
You're interrupting our podcast.
You're stinking, but it's notokay.
SPEAKER_00 (17:56):
Come here.
SPEAKER_01 (17:56):
Are you listening to me?
SPEAKER_00 (17:58):
Yeah, I'm
SPEAKER_01 (17:59):
listening.
It's hard to do it.
Wait, wait, wait.
UNKNOWN (18:03):
Don't
SPEAKER_01 (18:03):
going
SPEAKER_00 (18:14):
back bismillah The most common signs for istikhara
answers are subtle, and you needto pay attention to them.
And amongst them is ease ordifficulty.
So you did your research, youassess compatibility, and
families meet, and you see,mashallah, families are getting
(18:35):
well together, they like eachother.
You and the girl, the more youtalk, the more you see how
compatible you are.
Things are just moving naturallyand in a healthy way.
No hurdles.
That's a clear sign.
Don't keep asking, oh, does thismean that I should move forward?
Or like, what is the answer formy istikhara?
(18:56):
That's it.
That's the answer for youristikhara.
SPEAKER_01 (18:59):
On the flip side, though, sometimes there can be
hurdles.
Like, for example, you're intalks with somebody and you're
trying to schedule a time to goover to the family's house to
meet.
But they've canceled once.
They've canceled twice.
Now, should I interpret this asa test as a hurdle or an answer
(19:20):
to my stikhara
SPEAKER_00 (19:21):
not yeah not necessarily so if the hurdles
are just logistical logisticalhurdles then that's maybe just a
minor test or just a minichallenge right but if after
talking you see that i don'tknow fight starting happening
over mahr right or
SPEAKER_01 (19:43):
right after you prayed istikhara you a red flag
appeared
SPEAKER_00 (19:47):
a red flag appeared or you suddenly discovered
something about his past abouther past or families like really
started going head to head andthen this is more of a sign that
this is the answer for youristikhara so Whatever it is,
trust that Allah will guide youto the right thing.
(20:09):
And don't try to challengeAllah's help.
Because you asked for it.
You might not like the answer.
You might not like the answer.
It doesn't mean that you prayedistikhara, you're going to get
what you want.
No, you're going to get what youneed and what's best for you.
SPEAKER_01 (20:26):
For sure.
And just being content withwhatever happens.
SPEAKER_00 (20:31):
Also, another sign could be feeling internal peace
or internal discomfort.
But that's a little bit trickybecause...
SPEAKER_01 (20:38):
Because you have an internal bias.
SPEAKER_00 (20:41):
And also because...
Especially with guys.
Because sometimes peace ordiscomfort could be actually
more of your fear of commitmentor your, I don't know, like you
said, internal biases and youstart interpreting them as peace
or discomfort.
And also something else to keepin mind, that sometimes the
(21:05):
answer is not instant.
Sometimes it's going to takeweeks for the answer to unfold.
SPEAKER_01 (21:10):
The point that's worth mentioning here is that
after you do istikhara, thatdoes not mean you stop putting
in the work.
You're still continuing to putin the effort, assessing
compatibility, meeting thefamily, going through the
courting phase, asking the rightquestions.
You're still doing all thatwork.
And by doing that work, Allahwill direct you in the right
(21:33):
way.
SPEAKER_00 (21:34):
Yeah.
You know, funny enough,subhanAllah, yesterday I tried
to match a 68-year-old with a50-year-old.
They're not clients.
You could say they'reacquaintances and we just try to
match them together because theyboth really want to get married.
And they just talked one time onthe phone yesterday.
(21:55):
And the lady just learned thathe has some health conditions.
And then this morning she textedme.
She said, oh, I prayed istikharaand I decided not to go with it,
even without meeting him.
Can you find me someone whodoesn't have health conditions
and who is younger?
SPEAKER_01 (22:15):
Wait, did you tell me this?
SPEAKER_00 (22:16):
No, I didn't.
Oh, okay.
Because I just learned,actually, before shooting the
episode.
But in this case, she refusedeven to meet him or to have a
second call.
Now, that's
SPEAKER_01 (22:27):
a definite cultural bias.
SPEAKER_00 (22:29):
That's a culture or a personal bias.
But don't use istikhara as anexcuse.
SPEAKER_01 (22:35):
Right, right.
SPEAKER_00 (22:36):
So a lot of times people use istikhara as an
excuse to ghost people.
And speaking of ghosting, by theway, Alhamdulillah, we
introduced the Single MuslimHotline where you guys can send
us anonymous voice messages,either if you have a question or
maybe a rishta story to share orfunny story to share about your
(22:59):
journey towards marriage.
The link to send a message is inthe description of this episode.
And next time, we're going todiscuss the topic of ghosting.
So if you've been there, if youghosted someone...
share your story and we'lldiscuss it next episode
anonymously again inshallah sogoing back to istikhara some
(23:21):
people use it as an excuse tojust ghost people oh i don't
like you anymore i don't likeher anymore but let me just
blame it on istikhara and umthat's something unethical
you're using something beautifula beautiful sunnah to just end
your relationship with someonein an ugly way If you don't like
(23:44):
the person anymore, if you feelthey're incompatible or maybe
you're not attracted to themanymore, that's okay.
You can end things, but in amore graceful way.
SPEAKER_01 (23:54):
Yeah, instead of ghosting someone.
SPEAKER_00 (23:56):
And definitely don't blame it on istikhara.
SPEAKER_01 (23:58):
Misuse number two that we've seen a lot of is a
fear of commitment.
The story you were just sharingearlier of your friend, it's
pretty clear that she does havea fear of commitment.
I mean, how can you, I would sayif I was to give it a number,
she's definitely rejected maybe50 guys at this point.
Yeah, easily.
Maybe more.
(24:19):
And are you telling me you'vefound a red flag in all 50 guys?
Like, come on.
There's got to be one.
Nobody's perfect.
Nobody is perfect.
But are you telling me that youhaven't found a single guy that
has basic religious values thatyou're not attracted to, that
(24:40):
you can't see a long-termrelationship with?
I find that very hard to digest.
Honestly, some of the stories...
I really do think it's a fear ofcommitment.
SPEAKER_00 (24:51):
Some of the stories she shares with me, some of the
proposals, like these guysshouldn't be seeking marriage,
honestly.
All 50 plus...
No, no, no, no.
I didn't say all.
Some of them.
Okay.
Some of them.
And sometimes the guy's okay,but his parents are like he's a
mommy's boy or his parents arejust going to turn their lives
into miserable hell.
(25:12):
And other times, I think,especially those times where she
istikhara's before even meetingthe guy, I think those cases
qualify as fear of commitment.
SPEAKER_01 (25:25):
But how often does she do that?
SPEAKER_00 (25:27):
I don't know.
But she prays istikhara justwhen she hears about a guy or
she thinks about a guy.
Sometimes the guy even hasn'tproposed yet.
But she thinks about the guy.
And it's good to have thissunnah present and active in
your life.
SPEAKER_01 (25:46):
I figured because she's somebody that studied the
Islamic sciences.
She was your classmate.
And I would think that she has abetter understanding of how
istikhara is done.
And that you don't do thisprematurely and you just don't
use it as an escape.
SPEAKER_00 (26:01):
Yeah, but in this case, it's more emotional
istikhara.
And
SPEAKER_01 (26:04):
cultural.
SPEAKER_00 (26:05):
Could be cultural, yes.
SPEAKER_01 (26:06):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So a good example is likesomeone who keeps ordering food
and then canceling because therestaurant just didn't feel
right after I prayed.
It's not the restaurant, it'syou.
You're just not hungry, right?
SPEAKER_00 (26:23):
Exactly, yeah.
Maybe you don't want to getmarried.
SPEAKER_01 (26:28):
maybe
SPEAKER_00 (26:28):
you're not ready for marriage and you're just using
istikhara
SPEAKER_01 (26:31):
yeah as an excuse or maybe you just have something to
tell your parents like hey mom Iprayed istikhara I got a bad
feeling I don't mean
SPEAKER_00 (26:39):
this person is not a good match for me so exactly my
friend always uses this excusethat oh I don't feel right I
don't feel good about him rightwithout even meeting him yeah
maybe it's just Allah telling meno when it's actually your fears
are telling you no
SPEAKER_01 (26:58):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (26:58):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (26:59):
Misuse number three, dream chasing and over
mystifying.
Like I said before, Staharadefinitely gets...
um very much linked to dreamsand people think if they don't
get a dream then their istikharafailed
SPEAKER_00 (27:17):
yeah or i'm supposed to see like colors in my dream
or supposed to be see an angelor
SPEAKER_01 (27:23):
right like a clear-cut sign and that is not
istikhara so sheikh yasseractually has a wonderful youtube
video about istikhara and heclears up a lot of
misconceptions oh yeah yeah hedoes and one thing he says and
it's totally correct that it'simpractical to think that you
don't have an internal bias youwill always have an internal
(27:46):
bias especially if you're a guyguys are immediately inclined to
somebody who's more attractiveright and so If you're attracted
to a person and you are leaningmore towards saying yes, then
just go with that decision whileat the same time praying
istikhara and seeking Allah'sguidance.
(28:08):
And doors will open, doors willclose, signs will manifest,
things will happen.
In our case, alhamdulillah,things just started to open up
very easily.
Like there were challenges, likeyou were in a different
continent, I was here.
You are of a different culture.
I'm of a different culture.
I couldn't communicate with yourparents.
There were challenges there.
And if those were reasons for usnot to get married, then those
(28:32):
doors would have closed for us.
SPEAKER_00 (28:34):
But doors started to open up.
Just open up, like unbelievably.
SPEAKER_01 (28:38):
Like your parents were just very easygoing.
The fact that your parents saidyes to me over Skype.
SPEAKER_00 (28:43):
And, you know, just the fact that your mom, so I
don't know if you guys knowthis, Prior to us even meeting,
his mom kept praying that hefinds a girl from Palestine
because she loves Masjid al-Aqsaand she goes, spends Ramadan
there.
And she was praying he finds agirl from there.
And subhanAllah, like...
SPEAKER_01 (29:02):
Yeah, it happened.
So in our case, alhamdulillah,doors just opened up.
So go with your...
Now, I don't want to sound likeI'm contradicting myself, but go
with your gut feeling.
Okay.
while at the same time beingconscious of red flags, of
signs, praying istikhara, andputting your trust in Allah.
SPEAKER_00 (29:23):
Exactly.
Istikhara combines reason,you're doing your due diligence,
combines heart, like you said,your gut feeling, what you feel
more inclined towards andcomfortable with, and Allah's
guidance, trusting Allah.
They don't contradict eachother.
Yeah, real istikhara is meant toempower you, you know, and not
(29:47):
just make you feel helpless oranxious or that you can't take
an action.
You know, istikhara just goesback to tawakkul.
It teaches you to have fulltawakkul.
Like we said before, you're notasking Allah for what you want.
You're asking him to show youwhat's best for you, what you
need as opposed to what youwant.
(30:09):
And it builds a spiritualreliance.
Like it's not supposed to hinderyou.
It's supposed to empower you andmake you feel comfortable about
whatever decision you choose.
And maybe, maybe it's not goingto end up well like maybe you're
gonna pray istikhara you'regonna marry this woman and maybe
15 years later you're gonna endup getting divorced but it
(30:32):
doesn't mean that that istikharafailed it means that this was a
test that you were Allah decreedfor you both to go through
SPEAKER_01 (30:40):
Yeah, that's a good way to put it.
So if there's a formula, I wouldsay to describe istikhara, I
would say it's due diligence orresearch plus consultation,
which also falls into doing yourwork.
And plus istikhara would equal,I'd say, confidence into making
(31:02):
a confident decision.
SPEAKER_00 (31:04):
Allah says, فَإِذَا عَزَمْتَ فَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى
اللَّهِ When you make adecision, Just put your trust in
Allah, like fully tawakkal onAllah and do it.
Don't stay hesitant and just notbeing able to decide and be
decisive.
SPEAKER_01 (31:20):
Yeah, or commit to your actions.
SPEAKER_00 (31:22):
Commit to your action decisively.
SPEAKER_01 (31:24):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (31:24):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (31:25):
So just remember, always make istikhara an
integral part of your search andalways make it something you'll
commit to whenever you aremoving forward in getting
married.
Mm-hmm.
and take things from there
SPEAKER_00 (31:41):
yeah do you guys have some stories istikhara
stories for us have you beenistikhared or have you
istikhared someone let us knowsend us a voice message check
out the link in the descriptionof this episode and we'd love to
hear from you guys and see youin the next one
SPEAKER_01 (31:58):
alright inshallah assalamualaikum if you're
overwhelmed and burdened andjust don't know where to seek
help let us help you we can beyour personal matchmakers visit
us at and book a free call withus.
I did istikhara, now what?
I didn't get a dream.
I'm so confused.
Shouldn't Allah just give me asign?
I thought that was the purposeof istikhara.
What if I do get a dream?
Should I go talk to a dreaminterpreter?
I mean, she did ghost me theother day.
Isn't that Allah giving me asign this isn't meant to be?
SPEAKER_00 (00:23):
As-salamu alaykum, I'm Hiba.
SPEAKER_01 (00:24):
And I'm Zaid.
SPEAKER_00 (00:25):
You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
A
SPEAKER_01 (00:27):
podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
SPEAKER_00 (00:31):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
SPEAKER_01 (00:35):
So let's dive in.
SPEAKER_00 (00:36):
Bismillah.
SPEAKER_01 (00:41):
As-salamu alaykum everyone, welcome to another
episode.
My name is Zaid and on the othermic is my wife and co-host Hiba.
As-salamu alaykum.
Istikhara is definitely a wordthat gets thrown around a lot
when people are getting married.
Unfortunately, it doesn't getmentioned much when we're
talking about business, I don'tknow, degrees or anything, other
(01:01):
life important events ordecisions.
But especially when it comes tomarriage, this word is
definitely thrown around.
Whether it's daisies, Arabs, nomatter what culture it is.
And you see people on differentends of the spectrum.
Some people say, don't put toomuch emphasis and value on it.
Other people say, don't evenmake a move without doing it.
(01:24):
So if you are thinking aboutmarriage or you're just confused
about a proposal, then inshallahthis episode will benefit you.
SPEAKER_00 (01:32):
Have you ever been istikhared?
SPEAKER_01 (01:36):
I feel like that's such a Gen Z word.
It
SPEAKER_00 (01:40):
is, it is, yeah.
It's a big Gen Z word.
Typically it means that you'vebeen ghosted and by using,
somebody using the excuse of Iistikhared you.
SPEAKER_01 (01:49):
Yeah, yeah,
SPEAKER_00 (01:50):
I get it.
So have you been?
SPEAKER_01 (01:52):
Nobody that...
I don't know.
I've never talked to a girl thatsaid, okay, I'm going to do
istikhara and then I gotghosted.
Okay.
So I don't think I have beenistikhared.
What about you?
SPEAKER_00 (02:05):
Have you ever istikhared someone?
SPEAKER_01 (02:10):
No.
SPEAKER_00 (02:11):
No?
Okay.
Well, once, actually.
I prayed istikhara and I had afeeling that...
And I didn't follow my gutfeeling.
I didn't follow the, you couldsay, the answer of the
istikhara.
I went against it.
And I regretted it later.
SPEAKER_01 (02:28):
Okay, all right.
I want to hear about this.
SPEAKER_00 (02:30):
So, you know, I've been previously engaged, right?
Right, right.
And after, like, the first callwith the guy or something, I
prayed istikhara.
And I got this uneasy feeling.
There wasn't any, like, anyphysical signs or anything.
It's not like he said somethingspecific.
There was no dream or anything?
No, no dream.
Just this uneasy feeling.
(02:53):
But I suppressed it, convincedmyself that no, this is baseless
or whatever.
And I regretted it later, ofcourse.
SPEAKER_01 (03:04):
Oh yeah, because you did follow through with the
engagement
SPEAKER_00 (03:07):
and it broke off, right?
I remember.
But we're going to discusslater, inshallah, in the episode
how istikhara is answered.
Want to know if this is anactual answer for your istikhara
or this is just your fears andyour insecurities.
We'll get to that, inshallah.
SPEAKER_01 (03:22):
Yeah, inshallah.
So what is istikhara?
SPEAKER_00 (03:25):
Istikhara literally means asking for khair.
Is, the prefix of is, meansasking.
So istighfar is asking formaghfira, for forgiveness.
Istikhara, asking for khair andgoodness from Allah.
SPEAKER_01 (03:38):
Or the verb template I believe is Istafala.
Istafala.
I feel so smart right now.
SPEAKER_00 (03:44):
Yeah, Istakhara, Istafala.
And it's a dua of trust.
It's not a psychic hotline.
It's a sunnah.
Sunnah sahiha.
Sahaba mentioned in a sahih.
hadith mentioned in Sahihal-Bukhari that the Prophet ﷺ
used to teach us istikhara, duaal-istikhara, like he used to
(04:04):
teach us a surah from Quran,just emphasizing how important
it is.
And he used to teach usistikhara in all matters of
life, whether it's job, findinga job, whether it's marriage,
whether it's starting abusiness.
But because marriage is such ahuge decision, people usually
associate istikhara withmarriage.
(04:25):
And in this hadith that you canfind and the dua you can find at
like the fortress of muslim orany hadith book you can just
google it it's a very
SPEAKER_01 (04:34):
long
SPEAKER_00 (04:36):
yeah it's not long it's kind of the second part
repeats the first part but toeasily translate it in English
you're asking Allah you'readmitting your lack of knowledge
your lack of ability yourlimited perception of the future
you're admitting all of that toAllah and you're asking Allah oh
(04:56):
Allah if you know that thismatter is good for me in my life
in my livelihood and in myafterlife then make it easy for
me and make it possible for meand put blessings in it for me
and if you know that it's notgoing to be good for me it's
going to bring me misery maybeit's going to be good for you in
(05:19):
your life you're going to marrythis beautiful woman who's
gorgeous, but she's going topropel you away from the deen,
which is going to be terriblefor your afterlife.
So if you know that this matteris not good for me in my life,
my livelihood, or my afterlife,then take me away from it and
take it away from me and guideme to the khair wherever it is.
(05:42):
And make me happy with what youdecree for me, right?
Because sometimes Allah mightshow us an answer for our
istikhara, but we might not behappy with it.
Oh, why did this happen?
I really wanted to marry her.
I really wanted to marry him.
And we're not happy.
Like you're asking Allah forhelp, but you're not happy with
his help.
SPEAKER_01 (06:03):
Right, and sometimes the reason or explanation as to
why a decision didn't work outis apparent in the beginning,
and sometimes it's not.
Exactly.
Right?
Like, we sometimes hear crazystories of, oh, did you hear
about the accident that happenedjust an hour ago?
And I was just there, like, 15minutes ago.
SPEAKER_00 (06:25):
Right?
SPEAKER_01 (06:26):
Or, like, you hear crazy stories like that, right?
And...
My car broke down and I couldhave been there for a shooting
or a robbery or something.
SPEAKER_00 (06:36):
That's a clear cut sign, you could say.
Right, those are clear cutsigns.
But it's not always like this.
It's not always like that.
So before we talk about howistikhara is usually answered,
just a quick rundown of how toperform istikhara.
Simply, you pray two nafalrak'as, meaning you can't
combine the niyyah for istikharawith fard salah, like fajr, two
(06:58):
rak'as of fajr.
You pray two rak'a at any timeof the day you want except for
the karaha time the times we'renot supposed to be praying like
after asr for example and youmake the dua the istikhara dua
and you do it completely relyingon Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
(07:21):
you're not making a conditionaldua it's all about intention
right so
SPEAKER_01 (07:25):
just to clarify you pray the two raka'ah nafil you
sit down you grab your fortressof muslim you grab your phone
you pull up the dua you read thedua and then in during the dua
there's a section where you canask Allah regarding the specific
matter yes then you say thematter and then you complete the
dua and then you can end withanother dua or do you just
(07:50):
conclude at that point?
SPEAKER_00 (07:52):
No, even it's better to like praise Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala before you make thedua of istikhara or after it you
praise Allah.
You're not just like ordering apizza, right?
You're praising Allah.
You're putting your tawakkul.
More important than the wordsthemselves is the intention.
You're completely trusting Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala to guide
(08:14):
you.
SPEAKER_01 (08:14):
Right, and realizing that you are reliant and
helpless.
SPEAKER_00 (08:19):
Helpless, completely helpless.
Yeah, you are completely
SPEAKER_01 (08:21):
helpless and you need his guidance.
SPEAKER_00 (08:23):
And you don't need to go to sleep after you pray
it.
You don't need to, I don't know,do yoga or something like that.
SPEAKER_01 (08:32):
We'll get into the misuses and misconceptions in a
little bit.
But yeah, like you said, there'sno supernatural vibration or
anything like that.
And it's very straightforward.
That's it.
SPEAKER_00 (08:45):
So let's be practical.
You're considering someone formarriage, because we're talking
about marriage.
Right.
What is the formula to follow interms of tawakkul, istikhara,
research, whatever?
SPEAKER_01 (08:56):
So let's use our example.
Actually, did you do istikharawhen we were talking?
Of course.
Did I do istikhara?
I can't remember if I didistikhara.
I think
SPEAKER_00 (09:05):
I did.
I think you did.
I think we both said, okay,let's pray istikhara and see how
it goes.
SPEAKER_01 (09:11):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (09:12):
So you start with the research.
You're like researching thisperson.
Not in a creepy way, of course,but assessing, like you said,
assessing compatibility.
Maybe you can go check out theirsocial media just to see what
kind of content they share, howdo they think, all of that, what
kind of people they follow.
And you consult.
(09:34):
You consult trusted people.
Maybe you can ask around aboutthis person and the message that
they send and the community theyare.
Maybe families know each other.
SPEAKER_01 (09:45):
Right, the Quran does say, وَأَمْرُوا مُشُورًا
بَيْنَهُمْ Exactly.
Right, which translates as?
SPEAKER_00 (09:50):
Their matter, like they consult amongst themselves
on all matters.
All right.
And you, maybe you're confused,you seek the consultation of
maybe your father, your mother,someone who has more life
experience, you could say, ascholar.
And then...
(10:11):
Based on that, you make yourdecision best to your ability,
and then you pray istikhara.
that's important I have a friendfor example and I've never seen
anyone get that many proposalsmashallah yeah and the problem I
noticed with her or the patternI noticed with her is she's
(10:32):
using istikhara to refuse evenmeeting people so before even
meeting the person she wouldpray istikhara she's like oh I
didn't get a good feeling andshe doesn't even move to meeting
them or for families to meet
SPEAKER_01 (10:47):
so So that points to another question then.
Is there, like with you and I,there was kind of a stage we
reached where we felt like,okay, now we should do
istikhara.
So is there a stage at whichistikhara should be performed?
In the example of the friendthat you're talking about.
It's like she did it way tooearly, right?
Before even meeting the person.
(11:07):
So the advice I feel like you'regiving is at least meet the
person, assess compatibility, doa certain amount of legwork, and
then seek Allah's help.
But at the same time, can thatbe...
I don't want to...
give the wrong advice and say,seeking Allah's help should be
the last thing you do.
SPEAKER_00 (11:27):
No, it's not.
Okay, so let me rephrase.
Because a lot of times peopleuse istikhara in an emotional
way and not in a logical way.
Meaning, they pray istikhara inthe beginning and then they
don't take any steps.
They use istikhara to stop themand to limit them.
(11:50):
Right?
So my advice would be do yourdue diligence and then pray
istikhara before making yourfinal decision.
But if istikhara, and especiallylike in this specific case,
because it's becoming a pattern.
Right.
Yeah, so istikhara is being usedin the wrong way.
SPEAKER_01 (12:10):
Yeah, I get
SPEAKER_00 (12:11):
it.
Yeah, so...
istikhara is not a substitutefor doing your due diligence.
And due diligence is not asubstitute.
You're seeking Allah's help,like you said, while tying your
camel.
SPEAKER_01 (12:24):
Right, they go hand in hand.
So I do have a question, though.
Sure.
Is there a recommended time toperform istikhara?
I know you mentioned you can donafl prayers at any point in the
day, except the times that it'sforbidden to pray, but...
Most people, from what I hear,say you should do it after Isha
prayer.
(12:44):
Right?
Is there a recommended time todo it?
SPEAKER_00 (12:46):
There's no reference to that.
There's no base to that in theSunnah.
But I think the people say thatis because subconsciously
they've linked istikhara withseeing a dream.
SPEAKER_01 (12:59):
Right.
Yeah.
Okay.
But at the same time, goingalong that vein, it is, I think,
mentioned in the hadith whereAllah says that He comes down to
the lowest heaven on the lastportion of the night.
So I would assume that is a goodtime to make the dua of
istikhara to Allah.
So you wake up, you praytahajjud, you do the istikhara
(13:19):
dua and seek Allah's guidance.
SPEAKER_00 (13:21):
Is that fair?
That's a good time to make anydua.
But honestly, the most importantthing when praying istikhara And
even in dua in general, isn'tthe timing.
It's your sincerity.
It's your intention.
Because you could read the duain the most eloquent way and
recite it and sing it and praythe most, like the longest two
(13:45):
rak'ahs and wake up for tahajjudand all of that, but your heart
is not present, then this isgoing to be useless.
SPEAKER_01 (13:53):
True.
So how does Allah answeristikhara duas?
SPEAKER_00 (13:57):
That's a good question.
That's where most of theconfusion happens.
SPEAKER_01 (14:01):
For sure.
So the most commonly understoodways are through A, dreams, and
the second one are externalsigns.
People sometimes get so relianton dreams being the answer that
they think if they don't get adream that their istikhara
failed.
So let's expand upon dreams alittle bit.
Let's say we do get a dream.
(14:22):
What should we do with thatdream?
Should we associate it with ouristikhara?
Should we seek a dreaminterpreter?
How much value should we give adream after praying the
istikhara?
SPEAKER_00 (14:34):
So dreams happen naturally every time we sleep,
whether we remember what wedreamt or not.
And the problematic thing withdream is that you are deciding
this dream is a sign or this ismaybe just because I overate
before I went to bed, right?
or because I thought aboutsomething.
(14:55):
I was thinking about thisperson, about the istikhara all
day.
And then the brain, once we goto sleep, starts just going over
the entire day and the thoughtsthat came into our minds.
So that's a problem with dreams.
It's very unreliable, except ifit's such a clear sign.
It's such a clear dream thatit's hard to overlook.
(15:17):
For example, you prayedistikhara.
You're thinking about marryingthis girl.
You prayed istikhara.
You saw in a dream that nightthat on the wedding day, one of
your family members died, right?
or an, I don't know, anearthquake happened on the
engagement day or something likethat.
(15:37):
It's such a clear sign.
Then in that case, you seek, youcould consider that a sign.
But of course, after, like wesaid, we're going to keep saying
it over and over again.
After doing your due diligence.
It's not the first thing you do.
But, but.
SPEAKER_01 (15:55):
Not just, but don't just say, Interpret the dream on
your own.
Seek guidance from a scholar,from an imam or something and
say, I did istikhara, this iswhat I saw.
Can you give me some sort ofadvice?
SPEAKER_00 (16:07):
Exactly.
So I like what you said.
Seek advice from a scholar andnot a dream interpreter.
When I
SPEAKER_01 (16:14):
say dream interpreter, I mean a scholar
who is trained.
Now those are hard to find.
Exactly.
But someone who has some levelof training in understanding and
interpreting dreams.
SPEAKER_00 (16:24):
which is extremely hard to find because this field
of dream interpretation is justbecome a way to, a way for, what
is the word?
Superstitions.
a way for superstition, tospread superstitions and just
milk people of money.
It's a very, very shady, youcould say, and gray area.
SPEAKER_01 (16:48):
Yeah, and speaking of dreams, Hiba gets some crazy
dreams every now and then.
One morning she woke up and shewas like, you know, I had a
dream that was Gaddafi'sdaughter.
I
SPEAKER_00 (16:58):
don't know why.
Yeah, and they were coming forhim and I tried to warn him and
I don't know.
SPEAKER_01 (17:04):
Every morning I have to dedicate at least 15 minutes
to hearing about Hiba's dreamsbecause somehow she can recall
all her dreams
SPEAKER_00 (17:12):
every morning almost yeah but dreams are very
unreliable unless like we saidit's a clear clear clear sign
that if you mention this dreamto anyone they would immediately
say oh of course this is clear
SPEAKER_01 (17:27):
right what's wrong jumping in the sink
SPEAKER_00 (17:31):
in the sink yes
SPEAKER_01 (17:33):
Maybe
SPEAKER_00 (17:35):
that's why he vomited.
He ate, drank something.
What are
SPEAKER_01 (17:41):
you doing, man?
He was like sniffing around thedry food.
There's
SPEAKER_00 (17:45):
no food here.
Come, finish your food.
SPEAKER_01 (17:48):
Don't wait.
SPEAKER_00 (17:49):
Because if he's hungry.
SPEAKER_01 (17:50):
We're not happy with you right now.
Here, come here.
You're interrupting our podcast.
You're stinking, but it's notokay.
SPEAKER_00 (17:56):
Come here.
SPEAKER_01 (17:56):
Are you listening to me?
SPEAKER_00 (17:58):
Yeah, I'm
SPEAKER_01 (17:59):
listening.
It's hard to do it.
Wait, wait, wait.
UNKNOWN (18:03):
Don't
SPEAKER_01 (18:03):
going
SPEAKER_00 (18:14):
back bismillah The most common signs for istikhara
answers are subtle, and you needto pay attention to them.
And amongst them is ease ordifficulty.
So you did your research, youassess compatibility, and
families meet, and you see,mashallah, families are getting
(18:35):
well together, they like eachother.
You and the girl, the more youtalk, the more you see how
compatible you are.
Things are just moving naturallyand in a healthy way.
No hurdles.
That's a clear sign.
Don't keep asking, oh, does thismean that I should move forward?
Or like, what is the answer formy istikhara?
(18:56):
That's it.
That's the answer for youristikhara.
SPEAKER_01 (18:59):
On the flip side, though, sometimes there can be
hurdles.
Like, for example, you're intalks with somebody and you're
trying to schedule a time to goover to the family's house to
meet.
But they've canceled once.
They've canceled twice.
Now, should I interpret this asa test as a hurdle or an answer
(19:20):
to my stikhara
SPEAKER_00 (19:21):
not yeah not necessarily so if the hurdles
are just logistical logisticalhurdles then that's maybe just a
minor test or just a minichallenge right but if after
talking you see that i don'tknow fight starting happening
over mahr right or
SPEAKER_01 (19:43):
right after you prayed istikhara you a red flag
appeared
SPEAKER_00 (19:47):
a red flag appeared or you suddenly discovered
something about his past abouther past or families like really
started going head to head andthen this is more of a sign that
this is the answer for youristikhara so Whatever it is,
trust that Allah will guide youto the right thing.
(20:09):
And don't try to challengeAllah's help.
Because you asked for it.
You might not like the answer.
You might not like the answer.
It doesn't mean that you prayedistikhara, you're going to get
what you want.
No, you're going to get what youneed and what's best for you.
SPEAKER_01 (20:26):
For sure.
And just being content withwhatever happens.
SPEAKER_00 (20:31):
Also, another sign could be feeling internal peace
or internal discomfort.
But that's a little bit trickybecause...
SPEAKER_01 (20:38):
Because you have an internal bias.
SPEAKER_00 (20:41):
And also because...
Especially with guys.
Because sometimes peace ordiscomfort could be actually
more of your fear of commitmentor your, I don't know, like you
said, internal biases and youstart interpreting them as peace
or discomfort.
And also something else to keepin mind, that sometimes the
(21:05):
answer is not instant.
Sometimes it's going to takeweeks for the answer to unfold.
SPEAKER_01 (21:10):
The point that's worth mentioning here is that
after you do istikhara, thatdoes not mean you stop putting
in the work.
You're still continuing to putin the effort, assessing
compatibility, meeting thefamily, going through the
courting phase, asking the rightquestions.
You're still doing all thatwork.
And by doing that work, Allahwill direct you in the right
(21:33):
way.
SPEAKER_00 (21:34):
Yeah.
You know, funny enough,subhanAllah, yesterday I tried
to match a 68-year-old with a50-year-old.
They're not clients.
You could say they'reacquaintances and we just try to
match them together because theyboth really want to get married.
And they just talked one time onthe phone yesterday.
(21:55):
And the lady just learned thathe has some health conditions.
And then this morning she textedme.
She said, oh, I prayed istikharaand I decided not to go with it,
even without meeting him.
Can you find me someone whodoesn't have health conditions
and who is younger?
SPEAKER_01 (22:15):
Wait, did you tell me this?
SPEAKER_00 (22:16):
No, I didn't.
Oh, okay.
Because I just learned,actually, before shooting the
episode.
But in this case, she refusedeven to meet him or to have a
second call.
Now, that's
SPEAKER_01 (22:27):
a definite cultural bias.
SPEAKER_00 (22:29):
That's a culture or a personal bias.
But don't use istikhara as anexcuse.
SPEAKER_01 (22:35):
Right, right.
SPEAKER_00 (22:36):
So a lot of times people use istikhara as an
excuse to ghost people.
And speaking of ghosting, by theway, Alhamdulillah, we
introduced the Single MuslimHotline where you guys can send
us anonymous voice messages,either if you have a question or
maybe a rishta story to share orfunny story to share about your
(22:59):
journey towards marriage.
The link to send a message is inthe description of this episode.
And next time, we're going todiscuss the topic of ghosting.
So if you've been there, if youghosted someone...
share your story and we'lldiscuss it next episode
anonymously again inshallah sogoing back to istikhara some
(23:21):
people use it as an excuse tojust ghost people oh i don't
like you anymore i don't likeher anymore but let me just
blame it on istikhara and umthat's something unethical
you're using something beautifula beautiful sunnah to just end
your relationship with someonein an ugly way If you don't like
(23:44):
the person anymore, if you feelthey're incompatible or maybe
you're not attracted to themanymore, that's okay.
You can end things, but in amore graceful way.
SPEAKER_01 (23:54):
Yeah, instead of ghosting someone.
SPEAKER_00 (23:56):
And definitely don't blame it on istikhara.
SPEAKER_01 (23:58):
Misuse number two that we've seen a lot of is a
fear of commitment.
The story you were just sharingearlier of your friend, it's
pretty clear that she does havea fear of commitment.
I mean, how can you, I would sayif I was to give it a number,
she's definitely rejected maybe50 guys at this point.
Yeah, easily.
Maybe more.
(24:19):
And are you telling me you'vefound a red flag in all 50 guys?
Like, come on.
There's got to be one.
Nobody's perfect.
Nobody is perfect.
But are you telling me that youhaven't found a single guy that
has basic religious values thatyou're not attracted to, that
(24:40):
you can't see a long-termrelationship with?
I find that very hard to digest.
Honestly, some of the stories...
I really do think it's a fear ofcommitment.
SPEAKER_00 (24:51):
Some of the stories she shares with me, some of the
proposals, like these guysshouldn't be seeking marriage,
honestly.
All 50 plus...
No, no, no, no.
I didn't say all.
Some of them.
Okay.
Some of them.
And sometimes the guy's okay,but his parents are like he's a
mommy's boy or his parents arejust going to turn their lives
into miserable hell.
(25:12):
And other times, I think,especially those times where she
istikhara's before even meetingthe guy, I think those cases
qualify as fear of commitment.
SPEAKER_01 (25:25):
But how often does she do that?
SPEAKER_00 (25:27):
I don't know.
But she prays istikhara justwhen she hears about a guy or
she thinks about a guy.
Sometimes the guy even hasn'tproposed yet.
But she thinks about the guy.
And it's good to have thissunnah present and active in
your life.
SPEAKER_01 (25:46):
I figured because she's somebody that studied the
Islamic sciences.
She was your classmate.
And I would think that she has abetter understanding of how
istikhara is done.
And that you don't do thisprematurely and you just don't
use it as an escape.
SPEAKER_00 (26:01):
Yeah, but in this case, it's more emotional
istikhara.
And
SPEAKER_01 (26:04):
cultural.
SPEAKER_00 (26:05):
Could be cultural, yes.
SPEAKER_01 (26:06):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So a good example is likesomeone who keeps ordering food
and then canceling because therestaurant just didn't feel
right after I prayed.
It's not the restaurant, it'syou.
You're just not hungry, right?
SPEAKER_00 (26:23):
Exactly, yeah.
Maybe you don't want to getmarried.
SPEAKER_01 (26:28):
maybe
SPEAKER_00 (26:28):
you're not ready for marriage and you're just using
istikhara
SPEAKER_01 (26:31):
yeah as an excuse or maybe you just have something to
tell your parents like hey mom Iprayed istikhara I got a bad
feeling I don't mean
SPEAKER_00 (26:39):
this person is not a good match for me so exactly my
friend always uses this excusethat oh I don't feel right I
don't feel good about him rightwithout even meeting him yeah
maybe it's just Allah telling meno when it's actually your fears
are telling you no
SPEAKER_01 (26:58):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (26:58):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (26:59):
Misuse number three, dream chasing and over
mystifying.
Like I said before, Staharadefinitely gets...
um very much linked to dreamsand people think if they don't
get a dream then their istikharafailed
SPEAKER_00 (27:17):
yeah or i'm supposed to see like colors in my dream
or supposed to be see an angelor
SPEAKER_01 (27:23):
right like a clear-cut sign and that is not
istikhara so sheikh yasseractually has a wonderful youtube
video about istikhara and heclears up a lot of
misconceptions oh yeah yeah hedoes and one thing he says and
it's totally correct that it'simpractical to think that you
don't have an internal bias youwill always have an internal
(27:46):
bias especially if you're a guyguys are immediately inclined to
somebody who's more attractiveright and so If you're attracted
to a person and you are leaningmore towards saying yes, then
just go with that decision whileat the same time praying
istikhara and seeking Allah'sguidance.
(28:08):
And doors will open, doors willclose, signs will manifest,
things will happen.
In our case, alhamdulillah,things just started to open up
very easily.
Like there were challenges, likeyou were in a different
continent, I was here.
You are of a different culture.
I'm of a different culture.
I couldn't communicate with yourparents.
There were challenges there.
And if those were reasons for usnot to get married, then those
(28:32):
doors would have closed for us.
SPEAKER_00 (28:34):
But doors started to open up.
Just open up, like unbelievably.
SPEAKER_01 (28:38):
Like your parents were just very easygoing.
The fact that your parents saidyes to me over Skype.
SPEAKER_00 (28:43):
And, you know, just the fact that your mom, so I
don't know if you guys knowthis, Prior to us even meeting,
his mom kept praying that hefinds a girl from Palestine
because she loves Masjid al-Aqsaand she goes, spends Ramadan
there.
And she was praying he finds agirl from there.
And subhanAllah, like...
SPEAKER_01 (29:02):
Yeah, it happened.
So in our case, alhamdulillah,doors just opened up.
So go with your...
Now, I don't want to sound likeI'm contradicting myself, but go
with your gut feeling.
Okay.
while at the same time beingconscious of red flags, of
signs, praying istikhara, andputting your trust in Allah.
SPEAKER_00 (29:23):
Exactly.
Istikhara combines reason,you're doing your due diligence,
combines heart, like you said,your gut feeling, what you feel
more inclined towards andcomfortable with, and Allah's
guidance, trusting Allah.
They don't contradict eachother.
Yeah, real istikhara is meant toempower you, you know, and not
(29:47):
just make you feel helpless oranxious or that you can't take
an action.
You know, istikhara just goesback to tawakkul.
It teaches you to have fulltawakkul.
Like we said before, you're notasking Allah for what you want.
You're asking him to show youwhat's best for you, what you
need as opposed to what youwant.
(30:09):
And it builds a spiritualreliance.
Like it's not supposed to hinderyou.
It's supposed to empower you andmake you feel comfortable about
whatever decision you choose.
And maybe, maybe it's not goingto end up well like maybe you're
gonna pray istikhara you'regonna marry this woman and maybe
15 years later you're gonna endup getting divorced but it
(30:32):
doesn't mean that that istikharafailed it means that this was a
test that you were Allah decreedfor you both to go through
SPEAKER_01 (30:40):
Yeah, that's a good way to put it.
So if there's a formula, I wouldsay to describe istikhara, I
would say it's due diligence orresearch plus consultation,
which also falls into doing yourwork.
And plus istikhara would equal,I'd say, confidence into making
(31:02):
a confident decision.
SPEAKER_00 (31:04):
Allah says, فَإِذَا عَزَمْتَ فَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى
اللَّهِ When you make adecision, Just put your trust in
Allah, like fully tawakkal onAllah and do it.
Don't stay hesitant and just notbeing able to decide and be
decisive.
SPEAKER_01 (31:20):
Yeah, or commit to your actions.
SPEAKER_00 (31:22):
Commit to your action decisively.
SPEAKER_01 (31:24):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (31:24):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (31:25):
So just remember, always make istikhara an
integral part of your search andalways make it something you'll
commit to whenever you aremoving forward in getting
married.
Mm-hmm.
and take things from there
SPEAKER_00 (31:41):
yeah do you guys have some stories istikhara
stories for us have you beenistikhared or have you
istikhared someone let us knowsend us a voice message check
out the link in the descriptionof this episode and we'd love to
hear from you guys and see youin the next one
SPEAKER_01 (31:58):
alright inshallah assalamualaikum if you're
overwhelmed and burdened andjust don't know where to seek
help let us help you we can beyour personal matchmakers visit
us at and book a free call withus.
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