January 10, 2025 • 15 mins
In this episode, we dive into the awkward, and sometimes painful journey of figuring that out. From emotional maturity to basic life skills (yes, knowing how to cook counts), we’re keeping it real and relatable. Spoiler: If you think ‘romantic’ means sending memes at 2 a.m., you might want to tune in. We’re sharing stories, tips, and a few laughs to help you level up for the marriage game. Let’s find out if you’re ready to say ‘I do’—or if you need a little more practice folding laundry first!
Got a dilemma or story? The Single Muslim Hotline is here for you! We’ll play your anonymous messages in future episodes and offer real talk. Drop us a voice note 👇🏻
https://www.speakpipe.com/DiaryOfAMatchmaker
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
We all have a mental checklist of what we want in a
spouse Kind, successful,good-looking.
But here's the big question Areyou what they're looking for?
Speaker 2 (00:12):
As-salamu alaykum, I'm Hiba.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
And I'm Zaid.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
So let's dive in.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Assalamu alaikum everyone.
Welcome to another episode.
My name is Hiba and on theother mic is my husband and
co-host, zaid.
Assalamu alaikum.
Marriage material.
We hear this expression tossedaround a lot, especially when
we're talking about marriage.
Usually the questions we hearis is he marriage material?
Is she marriage material?
Speaker 1 (00:48):
yeah, does he have a house, does he have this, does
he have xyz?
And if he does, then he'smarriage material.
Right, but nobody really goesinto detail to explain.
What does marriage materialactually look like?
What does it mean to bemarriage material?
So there are basically twoparts that we define as marriage
(01:09):
material.
Number one, intentionalself-growth, to become a better
version of yourself, foryourself and for your spouse.
And number two, understandingthe needs of the opposite gender
.
I feel like this one oftentimes gets swept under the rug.
We just take for granted whatthe that we know what the needs
(01:30):
are of the opposite gender, butwe really do need to take the
time to understand.
What is it that guys and girlsare looking for?
Speaker 2 (01:38):
and embody that, and embody that for sure.
So for men, what are menlooking for?
Speaker 1 (01:43):
men, somebody number one, somebody who embraces their
femininity.
You said this before Nobodywants to marry a CEO, right?
Because the guy wants to be theCEO of the home, right?
So they can't have two captainsrunning the ship.
Communication number two.
Three, somebody who's going tobe their right-hand person,
(02:05):
who's going to be a means ofsupport for them, a peace of
mind for them.
And, lastly, I would say,somebody who invests in their
health.
Of course, women have to bearchildren.
They take on a lot ofresponsibilities at home, so
they need to take care ofthemselves.
And what are girls looking for?
Speaker 2 (02:22):
Well, we see it on the registration forms all the
time.
They're looking for a leader,somebody who can lead, who can
make decisions and who hasself-confidence.
Also, somebody who takes careof their hygiene and their
health, of course, someone who'sindependent, not a mama's boy.
Emotionally intelligent Ofcourse communication, all of
(02:43):
that.
Actually there was a Mel Gibsonmovie.
It's called what Women Want,not a mama's boy, emotionally
intelligent.
Of course communication, all ofthat.
Actually there was a millgibson movie.
It's called what women wantyeah, yeah, it's a.
It's a very good movie.
It gives you an inside peek onhow men think.
What men think they know aboutwomen and if they had the
opportunity to actually knowwhat women are thinking is
completely different yeah, yeahit is.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
It's a funny movie.
So we talked about becomingembodiment of the needs of the
opposite gender, but how can wego about doing that?
Speaker 2 (03:12):
you start with self-reflection okay so, first
of all, before we talk aboutwhat women want and what men
want, if we're talking aboutmarriage, what is your
motivation for marriage?
Right.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
Are you intrinsically motivated or extrinsically
motivated?
Intrinsic motivation looks likewhat.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Intrinsic, as I want to have a companion, a life
partner.
I don't want to grow old alone,I want to start a family.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
Satisfy my desires, my desires.
I want to experience love andromance in a way that's pleasing
to Allah, subhanahu wa ta'alayeah, and then extrinsic could
be immigration parentspressuring me fear of missing
out, because all my friends aregetting married and starting
families.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
A girl who wants somebody to financially take
care of her, and that's the onlyreason right so these are not
great reasons to get married,and reflecting on your
motivation is very importantbecause it will steer the
conversations you have with theother person.
It will steer the decisions youmake and it could make you make
right or wrong decisions yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
So ask yourself an important question am I in a
place where I can share my lifewith someone?
Um, and there are verypractical steps you can take for
self-reflection.
Number one, which is also verytherapeutic, is journaling.
What do you think a good spouselooks like and how do you
measure up?
You could ask uh furtherquestions like um, how do you
(04:43):
envision your life post-marriage?
Yeah, um when I say questionsmeaning questions to yourself
when you envision your lifepost-marriage.
Yeah, when I say questionsmeaning questions to yourself
when you're journaling.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Of course, identifying your deal breakers,
which is very important.
We've dedicated an entireepisode to this topic.
Speaker 1 (04:56):
Yeah, you should check out that episode.
Mm-hmm.
So, lastly, ask for feedback.
Talk to your parents, talk toyour closest friends, people who
know you very well and can giveyou some honest advice about
areas that you need to improveupon to get yourself ready for
marriage.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
Okay, so we said step number one is self-reflection.
Step number two would beidentifying essential qualities
in a spouse and cultivatingthese qualities.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
Right, so you can become a magnet Right and that,
once you are, your aura carriesthese qualities.
People are just going to comeflocking to you.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
Inshallah Aura that reminds me of Phoebe.
Let me cleanse your aura.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
No, my aura doesn't need cleansing.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
Okay, number one would be Spiritual readiness.
How is your connection withAllah, subhanahu wa ta'ala?
Speaker 1 (05:46):
Are you fasting?
Are you praying consistently?
Are you doing the basic far andmaybe even going a little above
and beyond that?
To develop a close relationship, exactly.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
And also grow in your spirituality.
Beyond the rituals, do you havea relationship with Allah,
subhanahu wa ta'ala?
Do you have gratitude?
Do you turn back to him in timeof need?
Your relationship with Allahwill set the tone for your
relationship with your spouse.
Let's say, for example, youdon't have gratitude to Allah,
subhanahu wa ta'ala, you won'thave gratitude to your spouse,
(06:20):
right?
You won't appreciate the thingsthey do.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
Are you somebody who brings baraka into a home, or
are you someone who brings chaos?
Yeah, that's a good question toask yourself, um.
The next point is emotionalmaturity.
Um, we were talking a littlebit about this, and one way to
assess that is, um, looking atthe relationship the person has
with their, or looking at therelationship you have with your
parents.
Parents can get verychallenging and difficult to
deal with in their old age.
(06:50):
Oh yeah.
So when you're in your 20s,developing that patience and
empathy and understanding willshow when you know, especially
during the courting phase.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Under emotional maturity, there's vulnerability.
Do you, are you comfortablewith being vulnerable or do you
shut down?
Are you, do you admit yourmistakes or you start blaming
circumstances and other people?
When somebody confronts youwith something you did or you
said, do you get defensive or doyou accept that criticism and
(07:25):
use it to improve yourself andwork on yourself?
Right, because marriage life isgoing to be full of conflicts
and disagreements and arguments,and there's nothing wrong with
that.
That's how it should be right.
So prepare yourself for all ofthat before you get married.
So when you get married, you'renot setting yourself up for
(07:46):
disappointments and justheartache and problems.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
Right, and you can build resilience by learning to
have tough conversations withfamily and friends.
The next one is financialresponsibility.
Are you somebody who is takingcare of financially?
Is mom and dad paying for yourphone bill and your, your car
bill and your gas bill, or areyou taking steps to manage your
(08:12):
own expenses?
Speaker 2 (08:13):
and it doesn't matter how much you're making.
It's about budgeting and justhaving basic financial skills,
like do you budget, for example?
Do you have saving skills?
Or you just I don't know go onshopping sprees when you don't
have money in the account tocover it?
Um, transparency, um, like youshould be comfortable being
(08:36):
transparent with your potentialspouse about your debts, about
your financial obligations,early in the process.
Um, what else can you say aboutfinancial readiness?
Speaker 1 (08:47):
The aim is not perfection, right.
Nobody is saying that you needto have a certain amount of
savings and that you are anexpert in budgeting or anything,
but that you're taking stepsright, that you're managing your
expenses, maybe even gettingyour own place and paying for
rent.
So all of these will go a longway in developing some sort of
(09:09):
maturity for marriage.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
And the same applies for the points mentioned before,
in terms of your relationshipwith Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala,
you're not.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
You're not a 10.
You're not a 10.
Nobody's a 10.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
Yeah yeah, we're always working to grow in that
aspect.
Right, but the thing is thatyou are working on it, you're
not just comfortable with whereyou are right now.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Right.
There is no need to be a 10 outof 10 on spirituality,
emotional maturity, financialresponsibility.
That's impossible, but you cantake steps to improve that.
Remember the famous hadithwhere the most beloved actions
to allah are the ones that aresmall but consistent, right and
um and allah will put barakah onyour life when, when you start
(09:52):
taking those small steps whatabout life skills?
life skills.
Yeah, I feel like this one doesnot get enough attention.
We, we've adopted thismentality where we can approach
marriage just like our parents.
Right, we talk about this inour workshop too, uh, where,
with guides especially, you know, I don't need to learn how to
cook, I don't need to learn howto uh take care of my, of my
(10:17):
apartment or or clean up oranything, but, yes, you do, okay
, because we cannot approachmarriage the same way our
parents did.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
So learn how to fry an egg, learn how to cook a
basic meal, learn how to cleanyour place and make it welcoming
and inviting for for yourspouse, and, uh, you will
definitely, definitely winpoints even actually we had some
girls in their mid-30s and theydon't know how to cook like no
one's martha stewart or gordonramsay but at least you get to a
(10:47):
point where you don't have toeat out every single day yeah,
and our dean doesn't likeoutline responsibilities and say
this is relegated to women andthis you don't have to eat out
every single day.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Yeah, and our deen doesn't outline responsibilities
and say this is relegated towomen and this is relegated to
men.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
That's not how our deen works.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
And remember in the famous hadith where she said
Prophet was in service to hisfamily.
He stitched his own clothes andmilked his own goat.
Right.
And lastly, communicationskills.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Yeah, are you an active listener?
When you're talking to somebody, are you listening to what
they're saying or you're justwaiting for them to finish so
you can say your opinion?
Because, at the end of the day,you're marrying someone, you're
going to have conversationswith them.
You're going to havediscussions with with them,
(11:37):
disagreements with them.
So are you just gonna bewaiting for her to finish
talking and making her point, oryou're gonna be listening and
trying to understand where she'scoming from?
Same thing, same goes for womenas well.
Um, how do you express yourfeelings?
Do you express them in a clearway or in a defensive way?
If you're hurt, do you trystart by blaming the other
(11:59):
person?
You always do this.
You always ignore me or yousimply express how you feel,
clearly and respectfully.
I feel hurt, I feel ignored, Ifeel disrespected.
It makes a huge difference.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
What are some practical steps we can take to
commit to self-growth?
Speaker 1 (12:19):
So we mentioned this a lot in our workshop, and the
thing that's become very muchcommon and available in the past
five years, I would say, arepremarital training programs.
Nikah Masterclass is awonderful program, there's also
Sohba Institute that doespremarital training, and there's
(12:41):
so much more on the internet.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
So many free resources, honestly, so many
free resources.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
But just remember that when we talk about getting
ready for marriage and it's notthe fun part of you know the
wedding dress and the halls andall that stuff and it's not even
just the questions thequestions are a big part, but it
starts with yourself Right,preparing yourself,
understanding the areas that youneed to grow, understanding the
(13:09):
areas that need somedevelopment and maturity.
Um, so, yeah, take a course onislamic marriage.
Uh, learning how to deal withstress or difficult situations.
Also, um, seek mentors.
Talk to people who have beenhappily married, who are
thriving in their marriage.
Um, whether it's best friends,uh, if your parents have a
(13:32):
healthy marriage andrelationship, seek guidance from
them.
And lastly, your health.
Invest in your physical andmental health.
It doesn't even necessarilyhave to be going to the gym.
Just buy a cheap yoga mat.
There's so many things you cando off YouTube and just follow
along YouTube, I'm sorry yogainstructors, fitness coaches.
(13:56):
There's a million things youcan do that are just for free.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
Yeah, take care of your diet as well.
Take care of your mental health, Like address any unresolved
traumas or habits that you have.
Just last week, we had a traumaexpert, Hannah Al-Asri, and we
discussed the topic of traumaand how to deal with trauma when
seeking marriage, and weourselves we learned a lot.
(14:20):
So we recommend you go back andlisten to that episode.
And the most important thing is, like we said in all of this,
all the points we discuss is toavoid the trap of perfection
yeah, you're not perfect.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
The person you're going to marry is not perfect,
but you are at a stage,hopefully, where you are working
towards becoming a 10.
Yeah, right, that's all we cando.
Just keep working and workingon ourselves so that we are and
actually, hannah al-Asriactually said this that when
your proposal comes, you want tobe in a state of preparedness,
(14:56):
right To receive that gift thatAllah is giving you, right.
You don't want to be in a stateof desperation.
Speaker 2 (15:01):
Yeah, so use that time, the singlehood days.
Use them to prepare yourselfand be the best version of
yourself.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
Alright.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Until next time Assalamualaikum.
We all have a mental checklist of what we want in a
spouse Kind, successful,good-looking.
But here's the big question Areyou what they're looking for?
Speaker 2 (00:12):
As-salamu alaykum, I'm Hiba.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
And I'm Zaid.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
So let's dive in.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Assalamu alaikum everyone.
Welcome to another episode.
My name is Hiba and on theother mic is my husband and
co-host, zaid.
Assalamu alaikum.
Marriage material.
We hear this expression tossedaround a lot, especially when
we're talking about marriage.
Usually the questions we hearis is he marriage material?
Is she marriage material?
Speaker 1 (00:48):
yeah, does he have a house, does he have this, does
he have xyz?
And if he does, then he'smarriage material.
Right, but nobody really goesinto detail to explain.
What does marriage materialactually look like?
What does it mean to bemarriage material?
So there are basically twoparts that we define as marriage
(01:09):
material.
Number one, intentionalself-growth, to become a better
version of yourself, foryourself and for your spouse.
And number two, understandingthe needs of the opposite gender
.
I feel like this one oftentimes gets swept under the rug.
We just take for granted whatthe that we know what the needs
(01:30):
are of the opposite gender, butwe really do need to take the
time to understand.
What is it that guys and girlsare looking for?
Speaker 2 (01:38):
and embody that, and embody that for sure.
So for men, what are menlooking for?
Speaker 1 (01:43):
men, somebody number one, somebody who embraces their
femininity.
You said this before Nobodywants to marry a CEO, right?
Because the guy wants to be theCEO of the home, right?
So they can't have two captainsrunning the ship.
Communication number two.
Three, somebody who's going tobe their right-hand person,
(02:05):
who's going to be a means ofsupport for them, a peace of
mind for them.
And, lastly, I would say,somebody who invests in their
health.
Of course, women have to bearchildren.
They take on a lot ofresponsibilities at home, so
they need to take care ofthemselves.
And what are girls looking for?
Speaker 2 (02:22):
Well, we see it on the registration forms all the
time.
They're looking for a leader,somebody who can lead, who can
make decisions and who hasself-confidence.
Also, somebody who takes careof their hygiene and their
health, of course, someone who'sindependent, not a mama's boy.
Emotionally intelligent Ofcourse communication, all of
(02:43):
that.
Actually there was a Mel Gibsonmovie.
It's called what Women Want,not a mama's boy, emotionally
intelligent.
Of course communication, all ofthat.
Actually there was a millgibson movie.
It's called what women wantyeah, yeah, it's a.
It's a very good movie.
It gives you an inside peek onhow men think.
What men think they know aboutwomen and if they had the
opportunity to actually knowwhat women are thinking is
completely different yeah, yeahit is.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
It's a funny movie.
So we talked about becomingembodiment of the needs of the
opposite gender, but how can wego about doing that?
Speaker 2 (03:12):
you start with self-reflection okay so, first
of all, before we talk aboutwhat women want and what men
want, if we're talking aboutmarriage, what is your
motivation for marriage?
Right.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
Are you intrinsically motivated or extrinsically
motivated?
Intrinsic motivation looks likewhat.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Intrinsic, as I want to have a companion, a life
partner.
I don't want to grow old alone,I want to start a family.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
Satisfy my desires, my desires.
I want to experience love andromance in a way that's pleasing
to Allah, subhanahu wa ta'alayeah, and then extrinsic could
be immigration parentspressuring me fear of missing
out, because all my friends aregetting married and starting
families.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
A girl who wants somebody to financially take
care of her, and that's the onlyreason right so these are not
great reasons to get married,and reflecting on your
motivation is very importantbecause it will steer the
conversations you have with theother person.
It will steer the decisions youmake and it could make you make
right or wrong decisions yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
So ask yourself an important question am I in a
place where I can share my lifewith someone?
Um, and there are verypractical steps you can take for
self-reflection.
Number one, which is also verytherapeutic, is journaling.
What do you think a good spouselooks like and how do you
measure up?
You could ask uh furtherquestions like um, how do you
(04:43):
envision your life post-marriage?
Yeah, um when I say questionsmeaning questions to yourself
when you envision your lifepost-marriage.
Yeah, when I say questionsmeaning questions to yourself
when you're journaling.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
Of course, identifying your deal breakers,
which is very important.
We've dedicated an entireepisode to this topic.
Speaker 1 (04:56):
Yeah, you should check out that episode.
Mm-hmm.
So, lastly, ask for feedback.
Talk to your parents, talk toyour closest friends, people who
know you very well and can giveyou some honest advice about
areas that you need to improveupon to get yourself ready for
marriage.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
Okay, so we said step number one is self-reflection.
Step number two would beidentifying essential qualities
in a spouse and cultivatingthese qualities.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
Right, so you can become a magnet Right and that,
once you are, your aura carriesthese qualities.
People are just going to comeflocking to you.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
Inshallah Aura that reminds me of Phoebe.
Let me cleanse your aura.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
No, my aura doesn't need cleansing.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
Okay, number one would be Spiritual readiness.
How is your connection withAllah, subhanahu wa ta'ala?
Speaker 1 (05:46):
Are you fasting?
Are you praying consistently?
Are you doing the basic far andmaybe even going a little above
and beyond that?
To develop a close relationship, exactly.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
And also grow in your spirituality.
Beyond the rituals, do you havea relationship with Allah,
subhanahu wa ta'ala?
Do you have gratitude?
Do you turn back to him in timeof need?
Your relationship with Allahwill set the tone for your
relationship with your spouse.
Let's say, for example, youdon't have gratitude to Allah,
subhanahu wa ta'ala, you won'thave gratitude to your spouse,
(06:20):
right?
You won't appreciate the thingsthey do.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
Are you somebody who brings baraka into a home, or
are you someone who brings chaos?
Yeah, that's a good question toask yourself, um.
The next point is emotionalmaturity.
Um, we were talking a littlebit about this, and one way to
assess that is, um, looking atthe relationship the person has
with their, or looking at therelationship you have with your
parents.
Parents can get verychallenging and difficult to
deal with in their old age.
(06:50):
Oh yeah.
So when you're in your 20s,developing that patience and
empathy and understanding willshow when you know, especially
during the courting phase.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Under emotional maturity, there's vulnerability.
Do you, are you comfortablewith being vulnerable or do you
shut down?
Are you, do you admit yourmistakes or you start blaming
circumstances and other people?
When somebody confronts youwith something you did or you
said, do you get defensive or doyou accept that criticism and
(07:25):
use it to improve yourself andwork on yourself?
Right, because marriage life isgoing to be full of conflicts
and disagreements and arguments,and there's nothing wrong with
that.
That's how it should be right.
So prepare yourself for all ofthat before you get married.
So when you get married, you'renot setting yourself up for
(07:46):
disappointments and justheartache and problems.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
Right, and you can build resilience by learning to
have tough conversations withfamily and friends.
The next one is financialresponsibility.
Are you somebody who is takingcare of financially?
Is mom and dad paying for yourphone bill and your, your car
bill and your gas bill, or areyou taking steps to manage your
(08:12):
own expenses?
Speaker 2 (08:13):
and it doesn't matter how much you're making.
It's about budgeting and justhaving basic financial skills,
like do you budget, for example?
Do you have saving skills?
Or you just I don't know go onshopping sprees when you don't
have money in the account tocover it?
Um, transparency, um, like youshould be comfortable being
(08:36):
transparent with your potentialspouse about your debts, about
your financial obligations,early in the process.
Um, what else can you say aboutfinancial readiness?
Speaker 1 (08:47):
The aim is not perfection, right.
Nobody is saying that you needto have a certain amount of
savings and that you are anexpert in budgeting or anything,
but that you're taking stepsright, that you're managing your
expenses, maybe even gettingyour own place and paying for
rent.
So all of these will go a longway in developing some sort of
(09:09):
maturity for marriage.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
And the same applies for the points mentioned before,
in terms of your relationshipwith Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala,
you're not.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
You're not a 10.
You're not a 10.
Nobody's a 10.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
Yeah yeah, we're always working to grow in that
aspect.
Right, but the thing is thatyou are working on it, you're
not just comfortable with whereyou are right now.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Right.
There is no need to be a 10 outof 10 on spirituality,
emotional maturity, financialresponsibility.
That's impossible, but you cantake steps to improve that.
Remember the famous hadithwhere the most beloved actions
to allah are the ones that aresmall but consistent, right and
um and allah will put barakah onyour life when, when you start
(09:52):
taking those small steps whatabout life skills?
life skills.
Yeah, I feel like this one doesnot get enough attention.
We, we've adopted thismentality where we can approach
marriage just like our parents.
Right, we talk about this inour workshop too, uh, where,
with guides especially, you know, I don't need to learn how to
cook, I don't need to learn howto uh take care of my, of my
(10:17):
apartment or or clean up oranything, but, yes, you do, okay
, because we cannot approachmarriage the same way our
parents did.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
So learn how to fry an egg, learn how to cook a
basic meal, learn how to cleanyour place and make it welcoming
and inviting for for yourspouse, and, uh, you will
definitely, definitely winpoints even actually we had some
girls in their mid-30s and theydon't know how to cook like no
one's martha stewart or gordonramsay but at least you get to a
(10:47):
point where you don't have toeat out every single day yeah,
and our dean doesn't likeoutline responsibilities and say
this is relegated to women andthis you don't have to eat out
every single day.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Yeah, and our deen doesn't outline responsibilities
and say this is relegated towomen and this is relegated to
men.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
That's not how our deen works.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
And remember in the famous hadith where she said
Prophet was in service to hisfamily.
He stitched his own clothes andmilked his own goat.
Right.
And lastly, communicationskills.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Yeah, are you an active listener?
When you're talking to somebody, are you listening to what
they're saying or you're justwaiting for them to finish so
you can say your opinion?
Because, at the end of the day,you're marrying someone, you're
going to have conversationswith them.
You're going to havediscussions with with them,
(11:37):
disagreements with them.
So are you just gonna bewaiting for her to finish
talking and making her point, oryou're gonna be listening and
trying to understand where she'scoming from?
Same thing, same goes for womenas well.
Um, how do you express yourfeelings?
Do you express them in a clearway or in a defensive way?
If you're hurt, do you trystart by blaming the other
(11:59):
person?
You always do this.
You always ignore me or yousimply express how you feel,
clearly and respectfully.
I feel hurt, I feel ignored, Ifeel disrespected.
It makes a huge difference.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
What are some practical steps we can take to
commit to self-growth?
Speaker 1 (12:19):
So we mentioned this a lot in our workshop, and the
thing that's become very muchcommon and available in the past
five years, I would say, arepremarital training programs.
Nikah Masterclass is awonderful program, there's also
Sohba Institute that doespremarital training, and there's
(12:41):
so much more on the internet.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
So many free resources, honestly, so many
free resources.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
But just remember that when we talk about getting
ready for marriage and it's notthe fun part of you know the
wedding dress and the halls andall that stuff and it's not even
just the questions thequestions are a big part, but it
starts with yourself Right,preparing yourself,
understanding the areas that youneed to grow, understanding the
(13:09):
areas that need somedevelopment and maturity.
Um, so, yeah, take a course onislamic marriage.
Uh, learning how to deal withstress or difficult situations.
Also, um, seek mentors.
Talk to people who have beenhappily married, who are
thriving in their marriage.
Um, whether it's best friends,uh, if your parents have a
(13:32):
healthy marriage andrelationship, seek guidance from
them.
And lastly, your health.
Invest in your physical andmental health.
It doesn't even necessarilyhave to be going to the gym.
Just buy a cheap yoga mat.
There's so many things you cando off YouTube and just follow
along YouTube, I'm sorry yogainstructors, fitness coaches.
(13:56):
There's a million things youcan do that are just for free.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
Yeah, take care of your diet as well.
Take care of your mental health, Like address any unresolved
traumas or habits that you have.
Just last week, we had a traumaexpert, Hannah Al-Asri, and we
discussed the topic of traumaand how to deal with trauma when
seeking marriage, and weourselves we learned a lot.
(14:20):
So we recommend you go back andlisten to that episode.
And the most important thing is, like we said in all of this,
all the points we discuss is toavoid the trap of perfection
yeah, you're not perfect.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
The person you're going to marry is not perfect,
but you are at a stage,hopefully, where you are working
towards becoming a 10.
Yeah, right, that's all we cando.
Just keep working and workingon ourselves so that we are and
actually, hannah al-Asriactually said this that when
your proposal comes, you want tobe in a state of preparedness,
(14:56):
right To receive that gift thatAllah is giving you, right.
You don't want to be in a stateof desperation.
Speaker 2 (15:01):
Yeah, so use that time, the singlehood days.
Use them to prepare yourselfand be the best version of
yourself.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
Alright.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Until next time Assalamualaikum.
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