August 1, 2025 • 26 mins
If we were getting married in 2025, we’d do things very differently. After four years as professional matchmakers and a whole lot of hindsight we’ve got some honest reflections (and a few regrets) to share.
This episode dives into the blind spots we didn’t see coming, the mindset shifts we wish we had earlier, and the biggest lessons we now pass on to our clients.
Whether you're single, searching, or simply curious, this one’s for you. We’re saying all the things we wish someone had told us before we got married.
Press play, and let us know what hits home.
Check out The Compatibility Challenge here 👇🏻 https://tinyurl.com/mtdeefsh
If something we said made you think, laugh, or feel seen, leave us a rating and review! It helps more people find the show. And hey, if you know someone who needs to hear this episode, send it their way. Sharing is caring!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
And I'm Zaid, you're listeningto Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
So let's dive in.
Bismillah, Assalamu alaikumeveryone.
Welcome back to another episode.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Yeah, assalamu alaikum, we're back.
It feels uh, not talking to youguys for a week, but uh, yeah,
the only times we usually do itis just during ramadan, take a
break, and this time it was forvacation yeah, we had a great
time in colombia.
Uh, took lots of pictures, did alot of hiking, a lot of
(00:40):
sightseeing people are so nicethey are like people say that
canadians are the nicest, but,honestly, colombians take it to
the next level yeah, we had justrandom people navigating and
directing us to some places,though we just had trouble
finding just helping, without useven asking yeah so if you're
looking for a nice place they'realso pro-palestinian, by the
(01:00):
way so if you're looking for anice place to go nice weather,
nice people go to colombia yeah,just be mindful of the cuisine
there.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
It is a bit hard to find halal spots there.
Yeah, there's pork ineverything pork in everything,
unfortunately yeah uh, but wealso do owe you guys an apology.
Um, we had an interviewscheduled, uh, this past weekend
and we were planning onreleasing it this friday, uh,
but fate had other plans andunfortunately got postponed.
But we do have somethingexciting for you guys today, so
(01:31):
this episode is going to be asraw as possible In terms of
preparation.
We really just discussed bulletpoints and ideas, so let's just
dive in.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
Yeah, bismillah.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
Bismillah, so alhamdulillah, we have just
sealed four years doing thiswork, professional matchmaking.
And we were just talking aboutthe idea, god forbid, if we were
to ever start over and restartour search, would we do anything
differently?
And if the answer is no, thenthat's pretty pathetic on our
(02:04):
part, because then it means welearned nothing as professional
matchmakers we didn't grow wedidn't grow.
So, of course, needless to say,yes, alhamdulillah, we have
learned a lot, and we woulddefinitely take that into our
personal lives.
Um, if we were to start overagain, um, so I would do things
slightly different than youwould, but there's a lot of
(02:24):
things that overlap between us,right?
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Yeah, a few yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
So I would say, one of the things for me would be
spending more time looking intopremarital training courses.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Yeah, that's definitely also for me too, yeah
that's something I never reallythought about.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
I didn't even think something like that existed.
I kind of had the same mindsetas a lot of people Like, hey, I
just want to get married or finda girl, that's pretty.
I had some sense of my corevalues and deal breakers.
But the idea of premaritaltraining and assessing
compatibility and asking allthese questions, that seemed a
bit far-fetched for me.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
I mean, we did assess compatibility, we asked a lot
of questions, but the premaritalcounseling?
Speaker 2 (03:07):
we didn't think about it and now, like you, see it
everywhere yeah, and we adviseour clients to take it and when
we do workshops, we alwaysrecommend it but, for some
reason we didn't even considerit yeah, um, I like I said I was
just way off the radar, um, butyeah, okay, that's one thing
that overlaps for us.
What about you?
Speaker 1 (03:27):
I would say I would have more self-confidence.
So I mentioned it before inmultiple episodes that because
of my visual impairment I didn'tthink I would find someone
special.
I thought, okay, just say yesto the first person that comes
along and be lucky that anyoneeven considered you right.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
I know it sounds very pathetic, but right now,
alhamdulillah, I have theself-confidence and I know that
Allah, like he did, send mesomeone great right.
But back then I didn't think Iwould even get married and that
resulted, like I mentioned alsoin previous episodes, in a
failed engagement.
(04:10):
You could say Like pretty badchoices I made.
And now, if I would have to doit again God forbid I would just
be more self-confident thatwhatever is meant to be is meant
to be.
I would do my best, I will beproactive, but I would know my
self-worth and I will not justsettle for someone that's not
(04:31):
worth it.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
Yeah, believe it or not, actually I felt the same
way.
Now that I think about it, nineyears of rejections does do
something to a person'sself-confidence and self-worth,
and the rejections, for the mostpart for me was hey, you don't
have a medical career, you don'tearn six figures, you have an
immigration status that looks abit unstable.
Work permit you're on a visitorvisa.
(04:53):
I was an illegal immigrant fora long time in the states, so
those were all things that justeating that ate away at me for a
very long time, and then,finally, when I got a message
from you, I mean just the factthat a girl showed interest in
me.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
I was like oh my god.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Wow, I actually have some value in the world you're
like a prince, I feel like wow,a girl actually finds me
interesting what this so thiscan't be real.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
So before me, no girl ever reached out uh, a few did.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
But I was going along , like in one case I can
remember I was going alongbecause of this lack of
self-confidence, um, and I justdidn't think anybody else would
come along, and so I was justkind of going along and thinking
, okay, you know, this is thebest that I'm I'm gonna get.
And, uh, it's either this or Istay single for the rest of my
(05:46):
life.
So, and that, of course, endedin a very terrible way the
previous person that I wastalking to, and because it just
got to a point where I knew Iwould be unhappy because of many
reasons which I won't get into,and then you messaged me and I
was just like shocked.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Yeah, subhanallah.
So yeah, self-confidence,self-confidence.
You know it's a very thin linebetween having that
self-confidence, between beingjust too demanding and expecting
the best and perfectionist,right yeah.
And.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
I feel like a lot of people who have faced rejection
for a long time will go throughthis, and it puts people in a
very desperate situation wherethey'll just go for anything
that comes along.
And that's kind of a verydangerous situation to be in,
because then you startcompromising on your core values
, your deal breakers and thingslike that yeah, yeah, yeah so
something else that I would dodifferently in my search is not
(06:48):
take the idea of marriage forgranted we were talking about
this before we started recordingwhich is that we think, once we
get married, that of coursewe're going to do everything
with our significant other.
We're going to be eating dinnertogether, we're going to be
going to sleep at the same time,we're going to be watching tv
together.
Now, everything will just kindof move smoothly and
(07:11):
harmoniously.
But then you get married andrealize you have so many
responsibilities with your work,sometimes to your community,
sometimes to your in-laws, yourparents, and these
responsibilities just startpiling up on your plate and then
you realize it's taking, it'staking time away from your
spouse, right, yeah, and thatquality time is starting to
(07:32):
disappear, yeah.
So the thing that I'm saying isthat going into a marriage and
being mindful of that and beingintentional about you know,
people even talk about this datenights, right, like weekly date
nights, like even though westill are working on that,
because, hey, we weren'texpecting to be recording on a
thursday night, like, right, thenight before we were planning
(07:54):
to release, but still makingtime for these things, you know,
every week, every other week,whatever it is, and not just
expecting that, hey, because Ilive with my wife or my husband,
that we're just going to findtime for each other.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
Yeah, yeah, I mean, if you don't dedicate time like
quality time for each other then, you're just going to grow
apart without even realizing it.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Even if it's cooking together.
It's nice, it's a nice activity.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Yeah, we do a lot of that, yeah, we do, yeah, but
just like sitting on the couchwatching netflix isn't exactly
quality time yeah, it's just twopeople staring at a screen, but
sometimes we'll talk about whatwe saw yeah, those parts.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
I enjoy the discussions, yeah, the
discussions.
Yeah, all right, your turn myturn, I would definitely, I
would definitely be proactive.
I can't.
That is a problem out ofculture, right?
Speaker 2 (08:42):
yes, I can't say this enough.
I would be proactive.
I can't say that is a problemout of culture, right?
Yes?
Speaker 1 (08:45):
I can't say this enough.
I would be proactive.
I would try every option outthere, every avenue out there.
So back then I didn't knowabout matrimonial websites, but
now that I do and God forbid ifI have to start again I would
put my eggs in every basket.
I would get out of my comfortzone and be involved in the
(09:06):
community, be seen, and I wouldeven call my friends and ask
them, remind them.
Hey guys, I'm single, I'mlooking.
If you know of someone, goodplease keep me in mind.
Remove the shame from asking forhelp exactly.
Uh, we just like we let ourculture dominate our lives and
(09:26):
like this is not good, this isnot good.
We see it sometimes withclients as well we mentioned it
before who feel this like shamethat I'm coming to a to a
matchmaker it makes me lookdesperate yeah, I feel eerie
about it, so I would definitelyI can't stress it enough girls,
(09:47):
don't just wait for princecharming to come like finally,
like suddenly land on yourdoorstep.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
You go and get him, respectfully, modestly of course
, but you do your part yeah,yeah, I think being proactive, I
mean it's definitely more of aproblem in arab culture than it
is in Desi culture.
Yeah, lack of proactiveness issomething I see consistently
with girls more so than guys.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
Yeah, yeah, and one more thing is that you guys in
your culture, desis, you havethis beautiful thing that not
just like the girl would look,but also her parents would look
and like they would contact,like people and oh, I have a
daughter Like they would lookfor their daughter.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Don't Arab aunties also look at weddings and go
hunting at weddings?
Speaker 1 (10:31):
Yeah, they look for guys.
They look for brides, theydon't look for grooms and the
fathers.
A father could have hisdaughter I don't know 30, 35,
but he would never go and askand show interest.
And my daughter is looking, ifyou know, for a good husband.
Wow, yeah, I don't know 30, 35,but he would never go and ask
and show interest.
And my daughter is looking, ifyou know, for a good husband.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
Wow, yeah, I know it's screwed up.
Yeah, Okay, my turn.
Yeah, I would say looking at myprofile.
So I have it here in front ofme.
The thing that I woulddefinitely do differently is
write a clear, extendedparagraph of what I am looking
for in a match.
Sometimes people just create amatrimonial profile and they'll
(11:15):
put a lot about themselves Notnecessarily in an egotistical
way, but they forget tosometimes highlight what they're
looking for in a match, and thereason that's important is
because people sometimes want tovisualize whether or not they
can see themselves as yoursignificant other.
So, for example, in my profile,what I wrote was the things that
(11:39):
I love my educationalbackground, how I have moderate
religious views, my lifestyleexpectations which is great and
I would definitely recycle those, some of those things, but what
I didn't put was I'm lookingfor somebody who's also looking
for a simplistic lifestyle, whois looking to grow spiritually,
who makes time for their health,who is supportive and
(12:00):
understanding of the arts.
And when a girl reads that theycan look at these things and
say, hey, I can see myself asthis person right, rather than
just creating a profile aboutyourself and just assuming that
the other person gets it.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
But if the qualities that you have speak to the other
person wouldn't that likeimmediately attract the right
person.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Yes and no, like, for example, with our registration
form.
Why do we have a questionsaying what am I looking for in
a spouse?
Or in terms of religiousexpectations?
Wouldn't it just be sufficientif they just talk about
themselves in the beginning?
Speaker 1 (12:37):
I guess because the more they share the better
picture we get of them right.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
So yes, because at the end of the day, people want
to hear that and say, okay, yes,I am this kind of person.
I am somebody who makes timefor their health.
I am somebody who's respectfulof the arts.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
It makes you feel chosen Right it makes you.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
It gives you something to connect with right.
It forms a picture or a moldfor that other person to fit
into.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Right, if that makes sense.
Makes sense, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
So it's just an extra step that I would definitely do
if I was to start over again.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Yeah, what about you?
Speaker 1 (13:11):
So what I would do differently is have a list of
deal breakers non-negotiables.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Oh, that's right.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
You didn't have that, right I didn't, and it goes
back to the same thing Imentioned before my lack of
confidence.
I was just going to say yes tothe first person that comes.
Speaker 2 (13:27):
And.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
I did say and I did do that, and person that comes
and I did say and I did do that.
And I regret it, of course, butnow that I know what I know, uh
, personally, professionallyworking with people, I would
definitely have a clear idea ofwho am I looking for, who would
be a good match for me and whowouldn't work for me, and what I
can tolerate what I cantolerate deal breakers, of
(13:47):
course.
Course, that's very importantand it feels a little bit
hypocritical saying that, thatwe always kind of preach this.
We ask about it in ourregistration form.
We ask in discovery calls andworkshops, but then, when I was
looking, I didn't have an idea.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Right.
So yeah, I wouldn't say it'shypocritical, it's a mistake
that you made.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
And it shows you that how much we've grown.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
We've grown so much, yeah, alhamdulillah.
We definitely have a clearunderstanding of ourselves
through the process.
Um, I would say for me I thinkI did this before, but I think I
would further emphasize this uh, which is making your profile a
magnet for the right person.
Sometimes, um and they talkabout this in marketing also
(14:36):
that you don't want your serviceor your profile to attract
every as my mom says, tom dickand harry right, you don't want
to attract every person, youwant to attract the right person
the same thing with yourservice.
You don't want to attract everyperson that walks through the
door.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
You want to attract the right person if you're
talking to everyone, you'retalking to no one exactly so,
making sure that you are notgeneral in your profile.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Um, I I was pretty specific about who I was, but I
think I could have done a betterjob with that and through that
maybe I would have attractedsomeone earlier on, but then I
wouldn't have met you.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
But yeah, that's something I would do differently
something else I would dodifferently is work on myself.
Do the self improvement, theself work, work on my bad habits
, instead of bringing my badhabits with me to marriage.
Like, for example, I'm a majorprocrastinator, I've always been
this way and I've just took itfor granted, like this is who I
(15:35):
am.
But if I worked on it before,instead of taking it for granted
, it would have been much easier.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
Or waking up early.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
Okay, that I can't change.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
Yes, you can no.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
Yeah, but unfortunately, when we think
about marriage, preparing formarriage, when we think about
marriage preparing for marriage,we think about, like you said,
the honeymoon, the dress.
Uh, think about financialstability and all of that, which
is which are important, rightbut, we don't think about what
carries on after the nikah yeahwhat we're bringing into our
marriage yeah, yeah, for sureour mentalities, our habits, our
(16:10):
communication yeah, uh, ourtolerances, what we're tolerant
of and not tolerant of
Speaker 2 (16:18):
which goes back to understanding yourself.
Yeah, for sure.
Uh, I think I would definitelyuse more scenario-based
questions.
We definitely did a lot ofthose, but we we could have done
more.
So scenario-based questions arebasically questions where you
create an imaginary circumstanceand you put the person you're
(16:41):
talking to into thosecircumstances.
So, for example, one that weask on a registration form is
your husband comes home fromwork one day, says he's sick of
his job and wants to start hisown business.
What would you say?
So that's, I think, one I threwat you and we kind of talked it
out during our courting phase.
So I would definitely use a lotmore of those and enjoy the
(17:02):
courting phase.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, if I would start again, I
would use the e-book that wehave our compatibility challenge
.
Like guys, I'm not just sayingthat because, like, we wrote
that book, but because we trulybelieve it's a great tool.
Like it's very nice to have aseries of activities of
questions instead of, like everytime forcing questions and
(17:26):
trying to come up withconversation topics Right, and
you just learn so much about theother person.
So I would ask more as well,scenario-based questions, and I
would enjoy them.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
If you are interested in learning more about the
compatibility challenge, justcheck out the link under this
episode.
If I would start again, I wouldeducate myself more about the
opposite gender, about how menthink and what, what's important
to them, how they like to be Idon't know communicated with,
(17:58):
and I know like different menare different.
It's not like you can exactlygeneralize, but there are some
universal values and thingsabout males, about females.
So I I remember when I was wayyounger I read men from mars,
women from venus, and I think Iforgot everything I read because
it was so long ago.
(18:18):
But I would definitely investin learning about men yeah, I
would say, um, learning moreabout leadership.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
I feel like a lot of guys don't understand and me
myself included when I wassearching the value and
importance of leadership and howmuch girls are looking for that
.
Sometimes they explicitly statethat in the registration forms
that they're looking for aleader, somebody who will take
charge and maintain a home, andso what does that actually mean?
(18:53):
And there's so much in our Sirawe actually dedicate an entire
episode about leadership in theSira and so there's so much in
our seerah that we can digthrough and learn from our
prophetic example about whatleadership means and how we can
develop leadership qualities.
And, to take it a step further,show that in our matrimonial
(19:15):
profiles, show that inmatrimonial events when we're
talking to people.
Also, to add to that,leadership for me means that the
person I also marry is going tobe someone that allows me to
lead right.
That, uh, somebody.
It would be somebody whowouldn't undermine me, who would
show support, uh, who would bepatient with me when I make
wrong decisions, which you arevery patient and uh, yeah,
(19:40):
that's something I woulddefinitely change about my
search I see it actually a loton guys, uh, registration forms.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
Someone who would allow me to lead respect my
leadership.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
I think it's just all the result of this whole
feminist movement yeah, probablyyou know, I did not know this
about guys.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
that, like this takes me back to the previous point I
would educate myself about theopposite gender.
I did not know, for example,that men don't like to be
undermined.
Like I thought that the way Ideal with a man is the same way
I deal with a woman, whichsounds like very naive.
But I didn't honestly thinkabout the differences between
men and women Like what I wouldconsider like disagreeing with
(20:22):
someone, maybe to a male, to aman, would sound undermining,
right I didn't know, for example, that uh allow him to make his
own mistakes, right.
But this comes with marriage,with time, with.
But if you're not married yet,then do use this time to educate
yourself and learn.
Yeah, yeah okay, I would.
(20:44):
It's also education related.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
I would educate myself about sex and intimacy oh
, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'd sharethat too, something I would do
differently also and there are,like I did not know that there
are resources, islamic resources, modern and islamic at the same
time.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
We've interviewed Amira Zaki before, a sex
educator, and a vaginismusexpert and secular.
No, I mean modern and Islamicas in, not like a sheikh talking
.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
Because you can be modern and Islamic at the same
time.
Because you made it sound likethey're two contradictory things
.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
Because it's rare to find.
It's rare to find.
You don't want to learn aboutsex from, I don't know, a guy
with a big beard and wearing athobe, maybe there's nothing
wrong with that, but it just Idon't know.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
On the flip side, learning from a non-Muslim.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
That too.
But going back to what I wassaying, we've interviewed Amira
zaki, before sex educator andvaginismus expert, and I was
blown away by what she sharedlike things that like I.
I remember I mentioned on thatepisode that when, before we had
our nikah, I kind of asked mymy sister like for advice or
(21:59):
like the wedding night orwhatever, and she just said
google it so we ourselves not,are not comfortable talking
about it.
And then if we don't know thatthey are halal, like islamic
resources out there, we're justgoing to go to google.
Speaker 2 (22:13):
We're going to learn from non-muslims and not
everything necessarily appliesto us so, yeah, the point is
that there are resources outthere, so there are no excuses,
especially at this point withthe plethora of platforms and
coaches and you got sexeducators to life coaches, to
relationship coaches everything,coaches everything out there.
(22:36):
Yeah, and, yes, some are justtalking out of their butts and
some actually know what they'retalking about.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
So just vet who you're working with.
We also had an episode withHabib Akande which was such a
great episode.
It was he.
Just I don't know if the rightword to use is dismantled.
He dismantled lots of myths.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
Yeah About debunked, debunked about sex and Islam.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
Yeah, yeah, I think that's my entire list.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
Okay, I think I got one more.
Well, I kind of touched uponthis, which is including the
traits or qualities that I'm notcompatible with, because, of
course, you don't want toattract the wrong person.
So we have a really cool game inour ebook called Cairo Time,
which is making a pyramid oftolerance, tolerable traits and
(23:25):
intolerable traits, and for me,I have a better understanding of
the things that I am tolerantof and the things I'm not
tolerant of, and I woulddefinitely include that in my
profile so what is one thing youdidn't know before that you are
tolerant of, and now youlearned that you are?
something that I didn't know.
(23:46):
I was tolerant of, uh somebodywho somebody who me I was all
time uh, somebody who isobsessive about cleaning.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
That's not obsessive, I'm not obsessed with cleaning.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
You're a bit obsessive.
No, I'm just Arab.
You want to see obsessive?
Speaker 1 (24:12):
Go see my mom and my aunties and my oh my God Like my
mom's generation.
Look, my mom's generation.
If they're sitting and they'rebored, they have nothing to do,
they just start cleaning.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
Wow, I mean, you get crazy if a crumb falls on the
floor.
You have this thing aboutcrumbs.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
Yeah, if I just finished mopping and cleaning, I
have to move my chair closer tothe table.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
You even do this with your dad too, he's like, and
then he gets it, and then yousign to him to tuck in his chair
when he's sitting like twometers away from the table and
he's eating like nobody eats twometers away from the table.
Okay, what is?
what is one thing you now youknow you're not tolerable,
tolerant of, and you didn't knowthat before person, somebody
(25:01):
who always has to insert theiropinion, um, and doesn't let me
uh lead or make a decision aboutsomething, and always has to
override me are you trying tosay something?
Well, our relationship wouldhave ended a long time ago, if,
if you were that type.
So you yeah, you're not thatbad, but um, but yeah, I think
(25:25):
uh, that pretty much covers mylist okay oh, oh, yeah, wait,
wait, one more thing.
Uh, I would definitely use abetter picture.
I mean my picture's not bad,picture was good yeah it was all
right, but I think I mean I'mdressed in a suit and you had
hair back then.
Thank you for pointing that out, and or that would be something
else I would put on myintolerable list.
(25:47):
What Somebody who mocks my hair.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
Or lack of.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
Okay, thank you.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
No, your picture was great, honestly.
It's what like prompted me tocontact you.
Okay, I guess, okay.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
If there was a gem in this episode that you feel like
you could start implementing inyour search, uh, put it in the
comments, let us know yeah whatit is, whether it's, you know,
creating a list of intolerabletraits or starting premarital
training.
Let us know.
We'd love to hear from you,sure, all?
Speaker 1 (26:17):
right until next time .
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
And I'm Zaid, you're listeningto Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
So let's dive in.
Bismillah, Assalamu alaikumeveryone.
Welcome back to another episode.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Yeah, assalamu alaikum, we're back.
It feels uh, not talking to youguys for a week, but uh, yeah,
the only times we usually do itis just during ramadan, take a
break, and this time it was forvacation yeah, we had a great
time in colombia.
Uh, took lots of pictures, did alot of hiking, a lot of
(00:40):
sightseeing people are so nicethey are like people say that
canadians are the nicest, but,honestly, colombians take it to
the next level yeah, we had justrandom people navigating and
directing us to some places,though we just had trouble
finding just helping, without useven asking yeah so if you're
looking for a nice place they'realso pro-palestinian, by the
(01:00):
way so if you're looking for anice place to go nice weather,
nice people go to colombia yeah,just be mindful of the cuisine
there.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
It is a bit hard to find halal spots there.
Yeah, there's pork ineverything pork in everything,
unfortunately yeah uh, but wealso do owe you guys an apology.
Um, we had an interviewscheduled, uh, this past weekend
and we were planning onreleasing it this friday, uh,
but fate had other plans andunfortunately got postponed.
But we do have somethingexciting for you guys today, so
(01:31):
this episode is going to be asraw as possible In terms of
preparation.
We really just discussed bulletpoints and ideas, so let's just
dive in.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
Yeah, bismillah.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
Bismillah, so alhamdulillah, we have just
sealed four years doing thiswork, professional matchmaking.
And we were just talking aboutthe idea, god forbid, if we were
to ever start over and restartour search, would we do anything
differently?
And if the answer is no, thenthat's pretty pathetic on our
(02:04):
part, because then it means welearned nothing as professional
matchmakers we didn't grow wedidn't grow.
So, of course, needless to say,yes, alhamdulillah, we have
learned a lot, and we woulddefinitely take that into our
personal lives.
Um, if we were to start overagain, um, so I would do things
slightly different than youwould, but there's a lot of
(02:24):
things that overlap between us,right?
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Yeah, a few yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
So I would say, one of the things for me would be
spending more time looking intopremarital training courses.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Yeah, that's definitely also for me too, yeah
that's something I never reallythought about.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
I didn't even think something like that existed.
I kind of had the same mindsetas a lot of people Like, hey, I
just want to get married or finda girl, that's pretty.
I had some sense of my corevalues and deal breakers.
But the idea of premaritaltraining and assessing
compatibility and asking allthese questions, that seemed a
bit far-fetched for me.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
I mean, we did assess compatibility, we asked a lot
of questions, but the premaritalcounseling?
Speaker 2 (03:07):
we didn't think about it and now, like you, see it
everywhere yeah, and we adviseour clients to take it and when
we do workshops, we alwaysrecommend it but, for some
reason we didn't even considerit yeah, um, I like I said I was
just way off the radar, um, butyeah, okay, that's one thing
that overlaps for us.
What about you?
Speaker 1 (03:27):
I would say I would have more self-confidence.
So I mentioned it before inmultiple episodes that because
of my visual impairment I didn'tthink I would find someone
special.
I thought, okay, just say yesto the first person that comes
along and be lucky that anyoneeven considered you right.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
I know it sounds very pathetic, but right now,
alhamdulillah, I have theself-confidence and I know that
Allah, like he did, send mesomeone great right.
But back then I didn't think Iwould even get married and that
resulted, like I mentioned alsoin previous episodes, in a
failed engagement.
(04:10):
You could say Like pretty badchoices I made.
And now, if I would have to doit again God forbid I would just
be more self-confident thatwhatever is meant to be is meant
to be.
I would do my best, I will beproactive, but I would know my
self-worth and I will not justsettle for someone that's not
(04:31):
worth it.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
Yeah, believe it or not, actually I felt the same
way.
Now that I think about it, nineyears of rejections does do
something to a person'sself-confidence and self-worth,
and the rejections, for the mostpart for me was hey, you don't
have a medical career, you don'tearn six figures, you have an
immigration status that looks abit unstable.
Work permit you're on a visitorvisa.
(04:53):
I was an illegal immigrant fora long time in the states, so
those were all things that justeating that ate away at me for a
very long time, and then,finally, when I got a message
from you, I mean just the factthat a girl showed interest in
me.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
I was like oh my god.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Wow, I actually have some value in the world you're
like a prince, I feel like wow,a girl actually finds me
interesting what this so thiscan't be real.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
So before me, no girl ever reached out uh, a few did.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
But I was going along , like in one case I can
remember I was going alongbecause of this lack of
self-confidence, um, and I justdidn't think anybody else would
come along, and so I was justkind of going along and thinking
, okay, you know, this is thebest that I'm I'm gonna get.
And, uh, it's either this or Istay single for the rest of my
(05:46):
life.
So, and that, of course, endedin a very terrible way the
previous person that I wastalking to, and because it just
got to a point where I knew Iwould be unhappy because of many
reasons which I won't get into,and then you messaged me and I
was just like shocked.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Yeah, subhanallah.
So yeah, self-confidence,self-confidence.
You know it's a very thin linebetween having that
self-confidence, between beingjust too demanding and expecting
the best and perfectionist,right yeah.
And.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
I feel like a lot of people who have faced rejection
for a long time will go throughthis, and it puts people in a
very desperate situation wherethey'll just go for anything
that comes along.
And that's kind of a verydangerous situation to be in,
because then you startcompromising on your core values
, your deal breakers and thingslike that yeah, yeah, yeah so
something else that I would dodifferently in my search is not
(06:48):
take the idea of marriage forgranted we were talking about
this before we started recordingwhich is that we think, once we
get married, that of coursewe're going to do everything
with our significant other.
We're going to be eating dinnertogether, we're going to be
going to sleep at the same time,we're going to be watching tv
together.
Now, everything will just kindof move smoothly and
(07:11):
harmoniously.
But then you get married andrealize you have so many
responsibilities with your work,sometimes to your community,
sometimes to your in-laws, yourparents, and these
responsibilities just startpiling up on your plate and then
you realize it's taking, it'staking time away from your
spouse, right, yeah, and thatquality time is starting to
(07:32):
disappear, yeah.
So the thing that I'm saying isthat going into a marriage and
being mindful of that and beingintentional about you know,
people even talk about this datenights, right, like weekly date
nights, like even though westill are working on that,
because, hey, we weren'texpecting to be recording on a
thursday night, like, right, thenight before we were planning
(07:54):
to release, but still makingtime for these things, you know,
every week, every other week,whatever it is, and not just
expecting that, hey, because Ilive with my wife or my husband,
that we're just going to findtime for each other.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
Yeah, yeah, I mean, if you don't dedicate time like
quality time for each other then, you're just going to grow
apart without even realizing it.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Even if it's cooking together.
It's nice, it's a nice activity.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Yeah, we do a lot of that, yeah, we do, yeah, but
just like sitting on the couchwatching netflix isn't exactly
quality time yeah, it's just twopeople staring at a screen, but
sometimes we'll talk about whatwe saw yeah, those parts.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
I enjoy the discussions, yeah, the
discussions.
Yeah, all right, your turn myturn, I would definitely, I
would definitely be proactive.
I can't.
That is a problem out ofculture, right?
Speaker 2 (08:42):
yes, I can't say this enough.
I would be proactive.
I can't say that is a problemout of culture, right?
Yes?
Speaker 1 (08:45):
I can't say this enough.
I would be proactive.
I would try every option outthere, every avenue out there.
So back then I didn't knowabout matrimonial websites, but
now that I do and God forbid ifI have to start again I would
put my eggs in every basket.
I would get out of my comfortzone and be involved in the
(09:06):
community, be seen, and I wouldeven call my friends and ask
them, remind them.
Hey guys, I'm single, I'mlooking.
If you know of someone, goodplease keep me in mind.
Remove the shame from asking forhelp exactly.
Uh, we just like we let ourculture dominate our lives and
(09:26):
like this is not good, this isnot good.
We see it sometimes withclients as well we mentioned it
before who feel this like shamethat I'm coming to a to a
matchmaker it makes me lookdesperate yeah, I feel eerie
about it, so I would definitelyI can't stress it enough girls,
(09:47):
don't just wait for princecharming to come like finally,
like suddenly land on yourdoorstep.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
You go and get him, respectfully, modestly of course
, but you do your part yeah,yeah, I think being proactive, I
mean it's definitely more of aproblem in arab culture than it
is in Desi culture.
Yeah, lack of proactiveness issomething I see consistently
with girls more so than guys.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
Yeah, yeah, and one more thing is that you guys in
your culture, desis, you havethis beautiful thing that not
just like the girl would look,but also her parents would look
and like they would contact,like people and oh, I have a
daughter Like they would lookfor their daughter.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Don't Arab aunties also look at weddings and go
hunting at weddings?
Speaker 1 (10:31):
Yeah, they look for guys.
They look for brides, theydon't look for grooms and the
fathers.
A father could have hisdaughter I don't know 30, 35,
but he would never go and askand show interest.
And my daughter is looking, ifyou know, for a good husband.
Wow, yeah, I don't know 30, 35,but he would never go and ask
and show interest.
And my daughter is looking, ifyou know, for a good husband.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
Wow, yeah, I know it's screwed up.
Yeah, Okay, my turn.
Yeah, I would say looking at myprofile.
So I have it here in front ofme.
The thing that I woulddefinitely do differently is
write a clear, extendedparagraph of what I am looking
for in a match.
Sometimes people just create amatrimonial profile and they'll
(11:15):
put a lot about themselves Notnecessarily in an egotistical
way, but they forget tosometimes highlight what they're
looking for in a match, and thereason that's important is
because people sometimes want tovisualize whether or not they
can see themselves as yoursignificant other.
So, for example, in my profile,what I wrote was the things that
(11:39):
I love my educationalbackground, how I have moderate
religious views, my lifestyleexpectations which is great and
I would definitely recycle those, some of those things, but what
I didn't put was I'm lookingfor somebody who's also looking
for a simplistic lifestyle, whois looking to grow spiritually,
who makes time for their health,who is supportive and
(12:00):
understanding of the arts.
And when a girl reads that theycan look at these things and
say, hey, I can see myself asthis person right, rather than
just creating a profile aboutyourself and just assuming that
the other person gets it.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
But if the qualities that you have speak to the other
person wouldn't that likeimmediately attract the right
person.
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Yes and no, like, for example, with our registration
form.
Why do we have a questionsaying what am I looking for in
a spouse?
Or in terms of religiousexpectations?
Wouldn't it just be sufficientif they just talk about
themselves in the beginning?
Speaker 1 (12:37):
I guess because the more they share the better
picture we get of them right.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
So yes, because at the end of the day, people want
to hear that and say, okay, yes,I am this kind of person.
I am somebody who makes timefor their health.
I am somebody who's respectfulof the arts.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
It makes you feel chosen Right it makes you.
Speaker 2 (12:55):
It gives you something to connect with right.
It forms a picture or a moldfor that other person to fit
into.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Right, if that makes sense.
Makes sense, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
So it's just an extra step that I would definitely do
if I was to start over again.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Yeah, what about you?
Speaker 1 (13:11):
So what I would do differently is have a list of
deal breakers non-negotiables.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Oh, that's right.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
You didn't have that, right I didn't, and it goes
back to the same thing Imentioned before my lack of
confidence.
I was just going to say yes tothe first person that comes.
Speaker 2 (13:27):
And.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
I did say and I did do that, and person that comes
and I did say and I did do that.
And I regret it, of course, butnow that I know what I know, uh
, personally, professionallyworking with people, I would
definitely have a clear idea ofwho am I looking for, who would
be a good match for me and whowouldn't work for me, and what I
can tolerate what I cantolerate deal breakers, of
(13:47):
course.
Course, that's very importantand it feels a little bit
hypocritical saying that, thatwe always kind of preach this.
We ask about it in ourregistration form.
We ask in discovery calls andworkshops, but then, when I was
looking, I didn't have an idea.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Right.
So yeah, I wouldn't say it'shypocritical, it's a mistake
that you made.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
And it shows you that how much we've grown.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
We've grown so much, yeah, alhamdulillah.
We definitely have a clearunderstanding of ourselves
through the process.
Um, I would say for me I thinkI did this before, but I think I
would further emphasize this uh, which is making your profile a
magnet for the right person.
Sometimes, um and they talkabout this in marketing also
(14:36):
that you don't want your serviceor your profile to attract
every as my mom says, tom dickand harry right, you don't want
to attract every person, youwant to attract the right person
the same thing with yourservice.
You don't want to attract everyperson that walks through the
door.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
You want to attract the right person if you're
talking to everyone, you'retalking to no one exactly so,
making sure that you are notgeneral in your profile.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Um, I I was pretty specific about who I was, but I
think I could have done a betterjob with that and through that
maybe I would have attractedsomeone earlier on, but then I
wouldn't have met you.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
But yeah, that's something I would do differently
something else I would dodifferently is work on myself.
Do the self improvement, theself work, work on my bad habits
, instead of bringing my badhabits with me to marriage.
Like, for example, I'm a majorprocrastinator, I've always been
this way and I've just took itfor granted, like this is who I
(15:35):
am.
But if I worked on it before,instead of taking it for granted
, it would have been much easier.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
Or waking up early.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
Okay, that I can't change.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
Yes, you can no.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
Yeah, but unfortunately, when we think
about marriage, preparing formarriage, when we think about
marriage preparing for marriage,we think about, like you said,
the honeymoon, the dress.
Uh, think about financialstability and all of that, which
is which are important, rightbut, we don't think about what
carries on after the nikah yeahwhat we're bringing into our
marriage yeah, yeah, for sureour mentalities, our habits, our
(16:10):
communication yeah, uh, ourtolerances, what we're tolerant
of and not tolerant of
Speaker 2 (16:18):
which goes back to understanding yourself.
Yeah, for sure.
Uh, I think I would definitelyuse more scenario-based
questions.
We definitely did a lot ofthose, but we we could have done
more.
So scenario-based questions arebasically questions where you
create an imaginary circumstanceand you put the person you're
(16:41):
talking to into thosecircumstances.
So, for example, one that weask on a registration form is
your husband comes home fromwork one day, says he's sick of
his job and wants to start hisown business.
What would you say?
So that's, I think, one I threwat you and we kind of talked it
out during our courting phase.
So I would definitely use a lotmore of those and enjoy the
(17:02):
courting phase.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, if I would start again, I
would use the e-book that wehave our compatibility challenge
.
Like guys, I'm not just sayingthat because, like, we wrote
that book, but because we trulybelieve it's a great tool.
Like it's very nice to have aseries of activities of
questions instead of, like everytime forcing questions and
(17:26):
trying to come up withconversation topics Right, and
you just learn so much about theother person.
So I would ask more as well,scenario-based questions, and I
would enjoy them.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
If you are interested in learning more about the
compatibility challenge, justcheck out the link under this
episode.
If I would start again, I wouldeducate myself more about the
opposite gender, about how menthink and what, what's important
to them, how they like to be Idon't know communicated with,
(17:58):
and I know like different menare different.
It's not like you can exactlygeneralize, but there are some
universal values and thingsabout males, about females.
So I I remember when I was wayyounger I read men from mars,
women from venus, and I think Iforgot everything I read because
it was so long ago.
(18:18):
But I would definitely investin learning about men yeah, I
would say, um, learning moreabout leadership.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
I feel like a lot of guys don't understand and me
myself included when I wassearching the value and
importance of leadership and howmuch girls are looking for that
.
Sometimes they explicitly statethat in the registration forms
that they're looking for aleader, somebody who will take
charge and maintain a home, andso what does that actually mean?
(18:53):
And there's so much in our Sirawe actually dedicate an entire
episode about leadership in theSira and so there's so much in
our seerah that we can digthrough and learn from our
prophetic example about whatleadership means and how we can
develop leadership qualities.
And, to take it a step further,show that in our matrimonial
(19:15):
profiles, show that inmatrimonial events when we're
talking to people.
Also, to add to that,leadership for me means that the
person I also marry is going tobe someone that allows me to
lead right.
That, uh, somebody.
It would be somebody whowouldn't undermine me, who would
show support, uh, who would bepatient with me when I make
wrong decisions, which you arevery patient and uh, yeah,
(19:40):
that's something I woulddefinitely change about my
search I see it actually a loton guys, uh, registration forms.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
Someone who would allow me to lead respect my
leadership.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
I think it's just all the result of this whole
feminist movement yeah, probablyyou know, I did not know this
about guys.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
that, like this takes me back to the previous point I
would educate myself about theopposite gender.
I did not know, for example,that men don't like to be
undermined.
Like I thought that the way Ideal with a man is the same way
I deal with a woman, whichsounds like very naive.
But I didn't honestly thinkabout the differences between
men and women Like what I wouldconsider like disagreeing with
(20:22):
someone, maybe to a male, to aman, would sound undermining,
right I didn't know, for example, that uh allow him to make his
own mistakes, right.
But this comes with marriage,with time, with.
But if you're not married yet,then do use this time to educate
yourself and learn.
Yeah, yeah okay, I would.
(20:44):
It's also education related.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
I would educate myself about sex and intimacy oh
, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'd sharethat too, something I would do
differently also and there are,like I did not know that there
are resources, islamic resources, modern and islamic at the same
time.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
We've interviewed Amira Zaki before, a sex
educator, and a vaginismusexpert and secular.
No, I mean modern and Islamicas in, not like a sheikh talking
.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
Because you can be modern and Islamic at the same
time.
Because you made it sound likethey're two contradictory things
.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
Because it's rare to find.
It's rare to find.
You don't want to learn aboutsex from, I don't know, a guy
with a big beard and wearing athobe, maybe there's nothing
wrong with that, but it just Idon't know.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
On the flip side, learning from a non-Muslim.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
That too.
But going back to what I wassaying, we've interviewed Amira
zaki, before sex educator andvaginismus expert, and I was
blown away by what she sharedlike things that like I.
I remember I mentioned on thatepisode that when, before we had
our nikah, I kind of asked mymy sister like for advice or
(21:59):
like the wedding night orwhatever, and she just said
google it so we ourselves not,are not comfortable talking
about it.
And then if we don't know thatthey are halal, like islamic
resources out there, we're justgoing to go to google.
Speaker 2 (22:13):
We're going to learn from non-muslims and not
everything necessarily appliesto us so, yeah, the point is
that there are resources outthere, so there are no excuses,
especially at this point withthe plethora of platforms and
coaches and you got sexeducators to life coaches, to
relationship coaches everything,coaches everything out there.
(22:36):
Yeah, and, yes, some are justtalking out of their butts and
some actually know what they'retalking about.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
So just vet who you're working with.
We also had an episode withHabib Akande which was such a
great episode.
It was he.
Just I don't know if the rightword to use is dismantled.
He dismantled lots of myths.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
Yeah About debunked, debunked about sex and Islam.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
Yeah, yeah, I think that's my entire list.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
Okay, I think I got one more.
Well, I kind of touched uponthis, which is including the
traits or qualities that I'm notcompatible with, because, of
course, you don't want toattract the wrong person.
So we have a really cool game inour ebook called Cairo Time,
which is making a pyramid oftolerance, tolerable traits and
(23:25):
intolerable traits, and for me,I have a better understanding of
the things that I am tolerantof and the things I'm not
tolerant of, and I woulddefinitely include that in my
profile so what is one thing youdidn't know before that you are
tolerant of, and now youlearned that you are?
something that I didn't know.
(23:46):
I was tolerant of, uh somebodywho somebody who me I was all
time uh, somebody who isobsessive about cleaning.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
That's not obsessive, I'm not obsessed with cleaning.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
You're a bit obsessive.
No, I'm just Arab.
You want to see obsessive?
Speaker 1 (24:12):
Go see my mom and my aunties and my oh my God Like my
mom's generation.
Look, my mom's generation.
If they're sitting and they'rebored, they have nothing to do,
they just start cleaning.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
Wow, I mean, you get crazy if a crumb falls on the
floor.
You have this thing aboutcrumbs.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
Yeah, if I just finished mopping and cleaning, I
have to move my chair closer tothe table.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
You even do this with your dad too, he's like, and
then he gets it, and then yousign to him to tuck in his chair
when he's sitting like twometers away from the table and
he's eating like nobody eats twometers away from the table.
Okay, what is?
what is one thing you now youknow you're not tolerable,
tolerant of, and you didn't knowthat before person, somebody
(25:01):
who always has to insert theiropinion, um, and doesn't let me
uh lead or make a decision aboutsomething, and always has to
override me are you trying tosay something?
Well, our relationship wouldhave ended a long time ago, if,
if you were that type.
So you yeah, you're not thatbad, but um, but yeah, I think
(25:25):
uh, that pretty much covers mylist okay oh, oh, yeah, wait,
wait, one more thing.
Uh, I would definitely use abetter picture.
I mean my picture's not bad,picture was good yeah it was all
right, but I think I mean I'mdressed in a suit and you had
hair back then.
Thank you for pointing that out, and or that would be something
else I would put on myintolerable list.
(25:47):
What Somebody who mocks my hair.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
Or lack of.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
Okay, thank you.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
No, your picture was great, honestly.
It's what like prompted me tocontact you.
Okay, I guess, okay.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
If there was a gem in this episode that you feel like
you could start implementing inyour search, uh, put it in the
comments, let us know yeah whatit is, whether it's, you know,
creating a list of intolerabletraits or starting premarital
training.
Let us know.
We'd love to hear from you,sure, all?
Speaker 1 (26:17):
right until next time .
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