April 25, 2025 • 32 mins
Misyar marriage—halal but hotly debated. In this episode, we break down what it actually is, why some people turn to it, and why scholars aren’t exactly cheering it on. Think: waived rights, complicated intentions, and a whole lot of ethical gray area. We cover everything from divorced moms looking for companionship to men using it as a loophole—and why that’s a problem. With shifting gender roles and evolving needs, Misyar is becoming more common, but is it the right move? We get into the real talk: when it works, when it hurts, and what to know before diving in.
Got a dilemma or story? The Single Muslim Hotline is here for you! We’ll play your anonymous messages in future episodes and offer real talk. Drop us a voice note 👇🏻
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I really like you and I want to move forward.
I know I don't earn a lot, butwe have so much in common.
I can see that you'reindependent and you're taking
care of yourself, but I justwant something halal, so would
you consider a Missyar marriage?
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba and I'm Zaid.
You're listening to Diary of aMatchmaker.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
So let's dive in.
Bismillah, assalamu alaikumeveryone, welcome to another
episode.
My name is Zaid and on theother mic is my wife and co-host
Hiba.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Assalamu alaikum.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
A few weeks ago we got an inquiry via email asking
us if we do missyar marriagesand no, we don't.
But it kind of sparkedsomething where I wanted to
learn more about what missyarmarriages were, and yeah, and
then it just led it intopreparing for this episode yeah,
yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
I remember in sharia school, when I was taking family
law, uh, course, um, we cameacross the concept of marriage.
We didn't go into too muchdepth because it's not something
that's common in like jordanand like the region.
Uh, as far as I understand, itoriginated originated in the
Gulf countries, but yeah, let'sexplore it.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Yeah, it's a relatively new concept, not more
than maybe 30 years old.
Yeah, like you said, it cameout of circumstances
Specifically around that region.
Yeah, so what is a missyarmarriage?
Speaker 2 (01:43):
So a missyar marriage is an Islamically valid
marriage.
It's a halal marriage thatmeets all five conditions, which
are, of course, a bride andgroom, a proposal on acceptance,
mahr wali and witnesses.
But in this case, the guy and agirl agree for the wife, for
(02:06):
the woman, to waive some of herrights.
Those rights could be financial, housing, intimacy, spending
time, whatever they agree on.
Whatever they agree on ismutual and both of them give
their consent.
There's no forcing or twistingsomeone's arm in a miss your
marriage.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
So you can see that this is a bit of a strange
situation.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
It is a strange situation that suits certain
circumstances that we are goingto explore later, but the most
important thing to remember,like we said, is that it's
Islamically, technically it'svalid, it's halal and it's
different from mut'a marriage.
Mut'a marriage is a pleasuremarriage which basically it's a
(02:53):
temporary marriage.
That's not acceptable in SunniIslam.
It's acceptable in the 12 imams, shia, and that we're not going
to discuss here.
So that's Misyar in a nutshellyeah, so let's.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
I mean, are there differences between different
madhabs?
So what does our deen say aboutit?
Speaker 2 (03:21):
so most scholars, whether it's contemporary or,
like the previous generations,older scholars most of them
agree that it's technicallyallowed, it's halal, there's no
problem with it, but almost themajority of them they don't
encourage it.
It's not the ideal marriagethat our dean promotes and
(03:44):
encourages.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Because naturally women, it's part of their fitah
right that they want to be takencare of so immediately.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
If you're waving that right it, it sets you up for
vulnerability and and maybeproblems down the line so the
reason that it's encouraged,it's discouraged, it's because,
even though it's technicallyallowed, so in a lot of cases
the woman is, like you said, istaken advantage of right because
to be taken advantage ofexactly exactly, uh, but why
(04:15):
would anyone consider miss yourmarriage?
Speaker 1 (04:18):
there's so many different circumstances, I mean
we could just go through a few.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
Yeah, let's explore it through some scenarios.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Yeah.
So let's say Fatima, forexample.
She's 42 years old, divorced,with two kids.
She's not looking for someoneto move in or raise her children
, just wants emotional supportand halal intimacy.
Uh, missy feels like it's theonly option that um takes into
(04:51):
account her needs withoutdisrupting her kids lives.
So is this something thatfatima should consider, given
her circumstances?
Speaker 2 (04:58):
let's explore her situation like, especially when
there are kids, you as a mother,you're worried about bringing a
stranger to live with them andsuddenly he's taking on the
father figure, right, and maybethe kids aren't going to accept
him, maybe it's going to createjealousy between the kids and
(05:20):
the father.
She's 42.
She's independent, she wants tomaintain her lifestyle, right,
but apparently she has needslike like anyone else.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Miss yar could be an answer to her case it could be
um, but what would be the consin the situation?
Speaker 2 (05:42):
so let's backtrack the cons in the situation.
So let's backtrack.
Miss yar is not a secret, bythe way.
It could be secret as in.
It could be secret as in.
Uh, they both agree.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
They are not gonna announce it to the community
right, so remember this marriagehas met the condition of
witnesses.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
Yeah, exactly yeah, and in a lot of cases it's kept
secret from the communitybecause maybe the guy is married
and he doesn't want all thedrama, maybe he doesn't want his
first wife to know not justthat, but there's no requirement
or need to publicize to thecommunity that hey, that's the
girls waved her um her right oh,yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
So that's between the bride and groom.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
Yeah, it's.
It could be an option forFatima in this case.
I guess, but hopefully that theguy isn't going to take
advantage of her.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Hopefully, not yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
And also, even if she waives her financial rights, it
doesn't mean that she's goingto spend on him.
It just means that she can takecare of herself.
She doesn't expect him to spendon her.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Right.
What if she's in a situationwhere she can't take care of
herself?
Speaker 2 (06:51):
Then Misyar is not good for her.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
I mean down the line, I mean Down the line.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
That's a good question, because you're not
entering Misyar with the hopesthat circumstances are going to
change later.
Or he's going to change hismind later and he's going to
move in, or he's going to startspending on you Like
al-muslimuna a'inda shurutuhim.
Like Muslims keep theirpromises and keep their vows and
(07:18):
conditions right.
So whatever you guys agree on,that should be fulfilled.
If he changes his mind in thefuture, good for both of you,
but that shouldn't be expected.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
Okay, so let's try another scenario Amina.
She's 29 years old.
She's done with the datingculture, tired of emotional
roller coasters.
She meets someone at the masjidwho offers a missyar marriage.
He's not ready for a fullmarriage, but he wants something
okay.
Uh, she's hesitant but alsoscared of falling into haram.
(07:55):
What should she do?
Speaker 2 (07:57):
so that's a question why isn't he ready for a full
marriage?
Is it because he's notfinancially stable, or because
he just wants to test it out, orit all goes back to intention.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
It's not that he's not ready, he's just he could be
earning a very low paying job.
He could be I don't know adaycare worker.
He could be in between school,right.
He could have faced a setbackwhere he moved to another
country, uh could be a refugee.
I mean.
There's millions of differentscenarios, right.
So I feel like sometimes girlsjust get this immediate
(08:34):
impression that this guy is aloser, he's not doing anything
worthwhile in his life and he'slike, oh my god at this, he
should be successful in earningso much money.
But people come in alldifferent stripes.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Yeah, but we're talking about a major commitment
.
We're not talking aboutpostponing the marriage for a
few years until he's back on hisfeet.
No, we're talking aboutentering a marriage with the
expectation that she's waivingrights, right.
So that's why I ask why isn'the ready for a full marriage?
(09:11):
Is it because he wants just totest the waters and see, do I
like the idea of being married,do I like her or not?
Because, like we said, missyour marriage is not temporary
marriage, right.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Right, it's a long-term commitment.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
It's long-term commitment.
Yeah, our cat is so bored rightnow and he's just jumping on
the cupboards and trying to drawour attention yeah.
You want to say something Kiwito the audience?
Hey, if you have a story totell, we'd love to have you on
here.
You'll find a safe space oflisteners who can understand
(09:50):
what you're going through.
Just shoot us an email with asummary of your story at info at
halalmatchca.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
So let's try another example, a much younger couple,
ali and Maryam.
They're both 24, studying indifferent cities.
They can't afford to livetogether or get families
involved.
Just yet they get married insecret through Misyar while they
finish school.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Red lights.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
I see right now so first of all, misyar, marriage
is not a secret marriage.
It does involve the wali, itdoes involve witnesses.
Again marriage, it does involvethe wali, it does involve
witnesses again.
Uh.
Secondly, there's no reason whythis marriage for these two, or
at least a, nikah can't happen,right exactly right because
you're both in school.
(10:39):
I mean, given that the parentsare on board and understanding,
there is a way to make this workyeah, miss yar, should be the
last option I would say and likefor very specific cases.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
But in this case they're both young.
They can like have their nikah,of course, with the knowledge
and like acceptance of familyand wali.
And even if they can't livetogether right now, they can
like have their nikah and getmarried, have the wedding when
they are able't live togetherright now.
They can have their nikah andget married, have the wedding
when they are able to livetogether.
(11:11):
But jumping into a messiahmarriage, especially at this
young age, just because theycan't live together right now,
it sounds like a very extrememeasure, let alone that we're
saying families are not involved, which makes it not a marriage
Too many red flags.
Too many red flags.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
I think the one thing that I forgot to mention is
that this does not exclude theimportance of assessing
compatibility.
Yes, absolutely, this is veryimportant that Missy, our
marriage number one, it shouldonly be considered in extreme
circumstances.
And secondly, it should alsoonly be considered in extreme
circumstances and secondly, itshould also only be considered
once everything else is crossedoff yes in terms of assessment?
(11:54):
are you, are your goals aligning?
Are your values aligning?
Are your expectations,lifestyle expectations?
All of those things?
Have you to discuss thosethings?
Have you asked one another theimportant questions?
All of those things should bedone, yeah, ahead of time.
Yeah, um, let's try anotherexample.
(12:18):
Uh kareem, he's 35 years old,doesn't believe in dating and
doesn't want to commit anythingharam.
He offers a misyard arrangementto multiple women over the
years, always ending them aftera few months.
He says it's a halal option.
Others call it manipulation.
(12:38):
Hmm, so where is the linebetween what's legally halal and
what's emotionally damaging?
Speaker 2 (12:49):
what's legally halal and what's emotionally damaging.
I think something that'stechnically halal doesn't
immediately makes it okay,because you could use something
halal to commit something haram.
You could use some you could usesomething uh, halal to hurt
other people.
Like, for example let's say youhave a vineyard, okay, okay,
(13:12):
you don't sell alcohol.
You just plant grapes and yousell the grapes.
You sell the harvest.
You know you're selling it tosomeone who's going to make
alcohol with it.
Let's say we're talking about aMuslim country, you know you're
selling it to someone who'sgoing to make wine with it and's
say we're talking about amuslim country, you know you're
selling it to someone who'sgoing to make wine with it and
sell it to muslims so eventhough you're not making the
(13:35):
alcohol yourself.
Planting grapes and growinggrapes is halal, but you're
using it, you're manipulatingthe deen to make something,
commit something haram.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
That's what.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
Kareem is doing here.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
Because he's ending marriages after a few months,
meaning and he's doing this tomultiple wives, meaning he's
treating it as a temporarymarriage.
Mut'a'a marriage Mut'a'amarriage Without letting the
other party know that he's goingto end the marriage, which
makes it haram.
If there's a timeline timelimit on it, deadline, which
makes it haram.
If there's a timeline timelimit on it deadline, it makes
(14:10):
it not valid marriage rightright and he's just using the
fact that the fact thattechnically, missyar is halal,
using it to fulfill his physicalneeds right.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
So yeah, like you said, he's definitely
manipulating the religion.
And not just that, he's goingin with the intention of not
even doing a proper missy ourmarriage he's just, he's
definitely just going in withthe intention of doing a
marriage.
So the intention right therefrom the get-go is already bad
(14:42):
yeah, everything starts withintention.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
you could be doing something that's super halal
technically, but with the wrongintention, like you, can fool
everyone except yourself andAllah.
You can't fool Allah.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
For sure, let's try a situation with a much older
woman.
Speaker 2 (15:04):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
So, for example, let's say her name is Samira,
she's 58 years old, uh, widowed,lonely.
Uh doesn't want to remarry in atraditional sense or have
someone take over her life.
She finds peace in a missyarrangement with an older man
who respects her independence.
Can is missy are something youthink that could probably serve
(15:28):
an aging population?
Speaker 2 (15:31):
so why doesn't she want to live with him?
Speaker 1 (15:34):
well, she is independent, she has enough
savings and money to take careof herself, and he could be
somebody that doesn't have asmuch money, but he can offer
emotional support.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Okay, I think in this case you mentioned, the
gentleman is older than her, butmaybe, like you said, for the
aging population, this could bea solution.
You know, getting married whenyou're in your 60s or 50s or 70s
or whatever, like it's a hugeadjustment, like you've lived
all your life without a partnerand now there's this person
(16:15):
living with you, you're sleepingnext to them, waking up next to
them.
They are with you 24 7 and itcould be a major inconvenience,
but at the same time you wantthe benefits of marriage, the
emotional support, thecompanionship once in a while,
the maybe even intimacy, even ata later age, later stage in
(16:39):
life.
I think in that case missy rcould be, especially if the
woman is independent and likedoing well for herself.
So it's not like he's an oldguy, she's a young girl and he's
gonna take advantage of herright.
Like she has life experience,maybe she has kids, she's doing
(16:59):
well financially I think as awhole miss your marriage.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
When I think more about the concept, I feel like
it could serve older women moreand older men.
And older men, but itdefinitely benefits younger men
too, because they're waivingfinancial responsibility.
So, that's it, or excusingthemselves from it.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
Exactly.
Why is the guy interested, likein general, not in this
specific case?
Why is a guy would beinterested in a miss your
marriage?
Speaker 1 (17:31):
obviously, because, hey, I don't have to like
provide for this girl, she cantake care of herself.
Speaker 2 (17:36):
So yay, so win-win yeah, that I don't like, that I
don't like but there's a flipside to everything.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Sometimes it could be just due to circumstance.
The guy could genuinely nothave the means to financially
take care of a wife.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
Exactly.
In that case, then yeah.
But if the guy is doing it justto take advantage of this
loophole, I guess he's nottaking advantage.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
She's agreeing to it.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
She's agreeing to it.
But what if he's able andcapable of spending on her?
Speaker 1 (18:10):
but just because she waved the right is like okay,
I'm saving like, then maybe itshould be laid out in the
contract that if the guy reachesa point whether it's through
his day job or as anentrepreneur, whatever it might
be if he gets to a point wherehe is able to take care of her
and she's able to take it easyfrom her, from her job, then
(18:31):
maybe it should be laid out inthe contract that, hey, you're
going to be takingresponsibility financially for
me okay, and is that?
Speaker 2 (18:37):
is that allowed?
That's a question.
Is that still considered?
Miss you are?
Speaker 1 (18:42):
um, I mean, circumstances change in a
marriage and I don't see areason why you can't just put
that in the contract.
There's nothing that I've comeacross that says okay, you are
not allowed to put this in thecontract.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
As long as they're agreeing to something halal,
yeah, so yeah.
That could be an option.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
Yeah, circumstances change then.
Yeah, you got to take care ofme.
That's pretty much it.
Now let's try exploring ascenario with a secret wife.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Oh, I like it.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
So Tarek is 40 years old.
He's married with children.
He takes a second wife viaMisyar without telling his first
.
She finds out months later andfeels completely betrayed.
He argues it's his right.
She files for divorce.
He, islamically, he doesn'tneed to tell his first wife.
Right, he didn't miss yourmarriage, which means he didn't
(19:41):
do anything haram.
Where does tariq stand in allthis?
Speaker 2 (19:45):
well, technically he can get married without telling
his first wife.
But is it ethical?
Like it's the mother of yourchildren, it's your other half,
your life partner, and you dolike we're not talking about he,
I don't know, he bought a newcar without telling her, right,
(20:07):
right, we're not talking about.
Like he has a bank accountsaving account that she's not
aware of.
We're talking about now hissharing, sharing bed with
another wife and his first wifedoesn't know this.
Is it ethical?
Speaker 1 (20:24):
no, of course, of course it's not.
Yeah now.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Now men could actually say well, if I dare and
mention it to her, she'simmediately gonna leave me or
divorce me or take the kids, andso, like I'm forced into this
situation of keeping it a secret, that's.
That's another discussion foranother day it's, yeah, I think
it is.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
You can't talk about this without also discussing the
, the circumstances and the needfor tarik to take on a second
wife yeah, wife, yeah why is heconsidering a second wife?
It's not because he's justtrying to stick it to a first
wife it could be maybe, but thatjust sounds immature are there
(21:08):
some needs that are not beingmet by the first wife?
Speaker 2 (21:11):
if you're interested in listening to a full
discussion on polygamy.
We did an episode, I think, twoweeks ago or three weeks ago.
Two weeks ago, yeah, so yeah,but right now we're talking
about messiah.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
That's a tough one derek is definitely setting
himself up for a big, bigheadache, big problems down the
road.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
Yeah, I think so too.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Yeah, but I think the one thing that we haven't
considered is the circumstancefor a revert Right.
So let's say Jessica, her nameis, she's a new Muslim, she's 33
years old, doesn't have aMuslim family or any sort of
community support, even thoughthe Muslims should be supporting
(21:56):
her in some way, but regardlesscommunity support, even though
the masjid should be supportingher in some way, but regardless.
She meets a practicing brotheronline who proposes miss ya as a
safe and halal way to startmarriage without all the
pressure.
She agrees but ends up isolatedand confused about her role in
rights.
Are reverts more at risk ofbeing taken advantage of through
Misyar For sure?
Speaker 2 (22:18):
I believe, For sure.
He fully took advantage of thefact that she doesn't know about
Islam like in depth andmarriages and conditions, and
yeah, that's, that's low, that'sreally low.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
Yeah, I think that was a no brainer.
I don't even need to spend toomuch time on that one.
Speaker 2 (22:36):
Yeah, yeah, we should actually dedicate an episode to
reverts and the struggles theygo through trying to get married
.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
We could just find a place where reverts could share
their stories.
Speaker 2 (22:48):
If you're a revert and you're listening, and you've
been on a journey trying to getmarried, we'd love to hear you
and listen to your story.
So you know how to reach usjust shoot us an email at info
at halal matchca.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
Yeah things happen like new um concepts and and
practices happen out ofcircumstance.
So I know you're not ahistorian, but what do you feel
like was happening in thatregion of the world 20 or 30
years ago that kind of causedthis new movement, this new
(23:24):
practice to emerge?
Speaker 2 (23:26):
well that what happened then is still happening
now, which is the fact thatthere are a surplus of a single
woman and not enough men, andthat's, let's say that happened
then.
But right now was like the mainreason for this is because
marriages are becoming harder,because our society is making
(23:49):
marriage, just getting married.
It's making it harder, whetherit's by the high maher's uh,
family's demand, whether it'sbecause of the age cultural
expectations.
Whether it's because of theolder we have a lot of older
women who are single.
They're very successful,they're independent, but they're
(24:11):
still unmarried, so they findlike a lifeline in this.
Whether it's also because somemen just don't want to commit,
like commit in a full, propermarriage, traditional marriage.
So they're just trying to findloopholes right.
(24:31):
There's a lot of reasons.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
And, yeah, the Muslim community has definitely made
marriage not just difficult butnot accessible.
Right, like we've discussed inprevious episodes, the
segregation is playing a part.
Not enough outlets andopportunities for people to get
married, you know, just therandom matrimonial events are
(24:56):
not enough.
You know, um, only recently,within the past few years, has
there been so much of a focus onpremarital workshops.
Yeah, but but still, even now Iwouldn't say that's the norm
it's not, it's not the norm.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
Like mashallah, our girls are like becoming so
successful.
Like we meet ceos, we meetprofessors, we meet surgeons, we
meet and um, because theythey're prioritizing their
education.
And this is in no way shape orform a judgment from us.
This is just stating facts.
We are seeing, and I'm sure youcan see even yourselves uh,
(25:35):
women are prioritizing thingsand putting off marriage until
they are like independent andstrong, and all of that and then
it catches it catches up tothem yeah so in those cases
missy r becomes an option yeah,I it's just.
Yeah, like you said, it's not apriority um it comes second or
(25:55):
third down the list sometimesyeah, yeah, gender roles have
changed dramatically over time,just in society in general, and
it also affected our Muslimsociety, our Muslim culture, and
you see things that we wouldn'thave seen before, like
stay-at-home dads, like mendemanding from the get-go 50, 50
(26:19):
, yeah, um cr marriages, I guessso the important thing is
always come back to the dean andlook at what our dean says
about these different topics andstuff I would say the most
important thing is purify yourintention.
Yeah, you could do something soharam.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
But using halal means so if you're a sister that's
considering the idea of a missyour marriage, or you have come
across this subject and or youknow somebody that's considering
miss your marriage, justrealize and understand what your
rights are as a wife and whatyou're giving up.
And if you are pursuing amessiah marriage, just make sure
(27:05):
you have written down on thecontract what rights you're
waiving.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
And make sure you're not just agreeing because he's
asking you to or he's pressuringyou to right.
It should be a decision thatcomes from you, from within.
You're convinced of with that,convinced of that and you're
convinced that this suits yourlifestyle.
This is what you want and notyou're being pressured to do it
(27:32):
yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:32):
Secondly, have a timeline or a long-term vision
of your marriage.
Um, you know, marriages change.
People's financialcircumstances, living
arrangements, change, so are youif, for example, let's say
hypothetically, you're waiving,uh, the financial responsibility
(27:53):
, right for the husband toprovide for you financially?
Um, and maybe down the road hewill be earning more and will be
able to provide for youfinancially?
Is that something that you'relooking to change in your
marriage?
What are you expecting him toprovide for you financially?
That's something to consider,to discuss and maybe even lay
out in the contract, right?
Speaker 2 (28:14):
yeah, so if your needs or expectations change
over time, make sure there'sroom to renegotiate and that,
like you said, if circumstanceschange, then, uh,
responsibilities and rightswould be changed as well yeah
don't enter a mcr marriage justout of desperation and because
(28:35):
the fear of missing out.
Right, make sure it suits you.
It suits your life, yourcircumstances and you're not
going to be taken advantage of.
Okay, what about the brothers?
What advice can we give them?
Speaker 1 (28:48):
be sincere, have your clear intentions.
Don't come in with theintention of manipulating a girl
.
As a man, you should have adesire to provide for your wife,
right?
You shouldn't come in with theexpectation that you know your
wife's going to be the breadwinner and I'm using the example
of finances because that's themost commonly used right that um
(29:11):
in the context of marriage orin the context of miss yar, that
is waived.
So come in with a sinceredesire to provide for your wife,
and if you can't, you can.
You know everybody'scircumstances and financial,
financial circumstances aredifferent, um.
So have that open conversation.
Um.
Have a long-term plan.
(29:32):
You know where?
Where do you see yourselffinancially?
Are you um looking to?
You know, get further training,try entrepreneurship, whatever
it is.
You should have some sort oflong-term financial goals.
And where does a future wifefit into that?
Speaker 2 (29:48):
yeah, and as cliche as it may sound, think about
this wife.
Think about this woman as ifshe were your sister.
I know it's cliche and it'soverused, but it really helps.
Would you want your sister tobe in a situation where she's
used and taken and takenadvantage of like?
Speaker 1 (30:06):
you know yourself, you know your intentions, so be
honest with yourself yeah, andalso, just because she's waiving
, for example, her financialneeds, that doesn't mean you can
ignore her emotional orspiritual needs I would say also
think beyond logistics.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
So just because she waived her rights for housing or
financial support.
But emotional safety andconsistency and dignity are not
optional.
Whether it's traditionalmarriage or messiah marriage,
you are still required toprovide spiritual support, uh,
emotional support.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
Be there for her and not neglect her altogether,
right yeah, I feel like we'reputting a lot of the pressure on
the guys we should.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
We should because it's the girl that's giving up a
lot and it's the girl that'susually and ends up in a
situation where she's takenadvantage of this is a huge
thing, and if a guy doesn't havethe right intentions or doesn't
have clarity, he could think ofthe oh, I did not know, this is
an option.
I'm just gonna forego thetraditional route.
(31:19):
I didn't know, I can just likeskip all of that.
Speaker 1 (31:23):
This is great, but no it should be saved for special
circumstances right right, um,again, if you guys, if you're a
girl or a guy, considering theidea of a miss, your marriage,
our suggestion would be numberone consult with a local scholar
, get their advice, somebodythat understands the
(31:48):
circumstances and needs of thelocal community.
Don't consult with a scholaroverseas.
That's number one.
And number two take the time toassess compatibility.
Ask the important questions thelong-term goals, the long-term
vision of your marriage, howfinances will fit into the
picture, children, all of thoseimportant things.
(32:08):
And number three do you haveany third advice?
Speaker 2 (32:13):
Of course, istikhara is always important Of course,
of course.
Seek the advice of those who arenear and dear, who would give
you sincere advice and who knowyour situation and your
circumstances.
It's not the ideal marriage.
Some situations it could be alifeline.
Some situations it could end upin a disaster.
To be subjective, most cases itdoesn't end up well.
(32:38):
Most cases it ends up with thegirl taking advantage of or it
ends up in ugly divorces.
But it doesn't mean that itshouldn't happen.
Each circumstance is different,each case is different and, uh,
I guess, until next time.
I really like you and I want to move forward.
I know I don't earn a lot, butwe have so much in common.
I can see that you'reindependent and you're taking
care of yourself, but I justwant something halal, so would
you consider a Missyar marriage?
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba and I'm Zaid.
You're listening to Diary of aMatchmaker.
Speaker 1 (00:23):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
So let's dive in.
Bismillah, assalamu alaikumeveryone, welcome to another
episode.
My name is Zaid and on theother mic is my wife and co-host
Hiba.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Assalamu alaikum.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
A few weeks ago we got an inquiry via email asking
us if we do missyar marriagesand no, we don't.
But it kind of sparkedsomething where I wanted to
learn more about what missyarmarriages were, and yeah, and
then it just led it intopreparing for this episode yeah,
yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
I remember in sharia school, when I was taking family
law, uh, course, um, we cameacross the concept of marriage.
We didn't go into too muchdepth because it's not something
that's common in like jordanand like the region.
Uh, as far as I understand, itoriginated originated in the
Gulf countries, but yeah, let'sexplore it.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Yeah, it's a relatively new concept, not more
than maybe 30 years old.
Yeah, like you said, it cameout of circumstances
Specifically around that region.
Yeah, so what is a missyarmarriage?
Speaker 2 (01:43):
So a missyar marriage is an Islamically valid
marriage.
It's a halal marriage thatmeets all five conditions, which
are, of course, a bride andgroom, a proposal on acceptance,
mahr wali and witnesses.
But in this case, the guy and agirl agree for the wife, for
(02:06):
the woman, to waive some of herrights.
Those rights could be financial, housing, intimacy, spending
time, whatever they agree on.
Whatever they agree on ismutual and both of them give
their consent.
There's no forcing or twistingsomeone's arm in a miss your
marriage.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
So you can see that this is a bit of a strange
situation.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
It is a strange situation that suits certain
circumstances that we are goingto explore later, but the most
important thing to remember,like we said, is that it's
Islamically, technically it'svalid, it's halal and it's
different from mut'a marriage.
Mut'a marriage is a pleasuremarriage which basically it's a
(02:53):
temporary marriage.
That's not acceptable in SunniIslam.
It's acceptable in the 12 imams, shia, and that we're not going
to discuss here.
So that's Misyar in a nutshellyeah, so let's.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
I mean, are there differences between different
madhabs?
So what does our deen say aboutit?
Speaker 2 (03:21):
so most scholars, whether it's contemporary or,
like the previous generations,older scholars most of them
agree that it's technicallyallowed, it's halal, there's no
problem with it, but almost themajority of them they don't
encourage it.
It's not the ideal marriagethat our dean promotes and
(03:44):
encourages.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Because naturally women, it's part of their fitah
right that they want to be takencare of so immediately.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
If you're waving that right it, it sets you up for
vulnerability and and maybeproblems down the line so the
reason that it's encouraged,it's discouraged, it's because,
even though it's technicallyallowed, so in a lot of cases
the woman is, like you said, istaken advantage of right because
to be taken advantage ofexactly exactly, uh, but why
(04:15):
would anyone consider miss yourmarriage?
Speaker 1 (04:18):
there's so many different circumstances, I mean
we could just go through a few.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
Yeah, let's explore it through some scenarios.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Yeah.
So let's say Fatima, forexample.
She's 42 years old, divorced,with two kids.
She's not looking for someoneto move in or raise her children
, just wants emotional supportand halal intimacy.
Uh, missy feels like it's theonly option that um takes into
(04:51):
account her needs withoutdisrupting her kids lives.
So is this something thatfatima should consider, given
her circumstances?
Speaker 2 (04:58):
let's explore her situation like, especially when
there are kids, you as a mother,you're worried about bringing a
stranger to live with them andsuddenly he's taking on the
father figure, right, and maybethe kids aren't going to accept
him, maybe it's going to createjealousy between the kids and
(05:20):
the father.
She's 42.
She's independent, she wants tomaintain her lifestyle, right,
but apparently she has needslike like anyone else.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Miss yar could be an answer to her case it could be
um, but what would be the consin the situation?
Speaker 2 (05:42):
so let's backtrack the cons in the situation.
So let's backtrack.
Miss yar is not a secret, bythe way.
It could be secret as in.
It could be secret as in.
Uh, they both agree.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
They are not gonna announce it to the community
right, so remember this marriagehas met the condition of
witnesses.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
Yeah, exactly yeah, and in a lot of cases it's kept
secret from the communitybecause maybe the guy is married
and he doesn't want all thedrama, maybe he doesn't want his
first wife to know not justthat, but there's no requirement
or need to publicize to thecommunity that hey, that's the
girls waved her um her right oh,yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
So that's between the bride and groom.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
Yeah, it's.
It could be an option forFatima in this case.
I guess, but hopefully that theguy isn't going to take
advantage of her.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Hopefully, not yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
And also, even if she waives her financial rights, it
doesn't mean that she's goingto spend on him.
It just means that she can takecare of herself.
She doesn't expect him to spendon her.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Right.
What if she's in a situationwhere she can't take care of
herself?
Speaker 2 (06:51):
Then Misyar is not good for her.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
I mean down the line, I mean Down the line.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
That's a good question, because you're not
entering Misyar with the hopesthat circumstances are going to
change later.
Or he's going to change hismind later and he's going to
move in, or he's going to startspending on you Like
al-muslimuna a'inda shurutuhim.
Like Muslims keep theirpromises and keep their vows and
(07:18):
conditions right.
So whatever you guys agree on,that should be fulfilled.
If he changes his mind in thefuture, good for both of you,
but that shouldn't be expected.
Speaker 1 (07:31):
Okay, so let's try another scenario Amina.
She's 29 years old.
She's done with the datingculture, tired of emotional
roller coasters.
She meets someone at the masjidwho offers a missyar marriage.
He's not ready for a fullmarriage, but he wants something
okay.
Uh, she's hesitant but alsoscared of falling into haram.
(07:55):
What should she do?
Speaker 2 (07:57):
so that's a question why isn't he ready for a full
marriage?
Is it because he's notfinancially stable, or because
he just wants to test it out, orit all goes back to intention.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
It's not that he's not ready, he's just he could be
earning a very low paying job.
He could be I don't know adaycare worker.
He could be in between school,right.
He could have faced a setbackwhere he moved to another
country, uh could be a refugee.
I mean.
There's millions of differentscenarios, right.
So I feel like sometimes girlsjust get this immediate
(08:34):
impression that this guy is aloser, he's not doing anything
worthwhile in his life and he'slike, oh my god at this, he
should be successful in earningso much money.
But people come in alldifferent stripes.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Yeah, but we're talking about a major commitment
.
We're not talking aboutpostponing the marriage for a
few years until he's back on hisfeet.
No, we're talking aboutentering a marriage with the
expectation that she's waivingrights, right.
So that's why I ask why isn'the ready for a full marriage?
(09:11):
Is it because he wants just totest the waters and see, do I
like the idea of being married,do I like her or not?
Because, like we said, missyour marriage is not temporary
marriage, right.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Right, it's a long-term commitment.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
It's long-term commitment.
Yeah, our cat is so bored rightnow and he's just jumping on
the cupboards and trying to drawour attention yeah.
You want to say something Kiwito the audience?
Hey, if you have a story totell, we'd love to have you on
here.
You'll find a safe space oflisteners who can understand
(09:50):
what you're going through.
Just shoot us an email with asummary of your story at info at
halalmatchca.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
So let's try another example, a much younger couple,
ali and Maryam.
They're both 24, studying indifferent cities.
They can't afford to livetogether or get families
involved.
Just yet they get married insecret through Misyar while they
finish school.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Red lights.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
I see right now so first of all, misyar, marriage
is not a secret marriage.
It does involve the wali, itdoes involve witnesses.
Again marriage, it does involvethe wali, it does involve
witnesses again.
Uh.
Secondly, there's no reason whythis marriage for these two, or
at least a, nikah can't happen,right exactly right because
you're both in school.
(10:39):
I mean, given that the parentsare on board and understanding,
there is a way to make this workyeah, miss yar, should be the
last option I would say and likefor very specific cases.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
But in this case they're both young.
They can like have their nikah,of course, with the knowledge
and like acceptance of familyand wali.
And even if they can't livetogether right now, they can
like have their nikah and getmarried, have the wedding when
they are able't live togetherright now.
They can have their nikah andget married, have the wedding
when they are able to livetogether.
(11:11):
But jumping into a messiahmarriage, especially at this
young age, just because theycan't live together right now,
it sounds like a very extrememeasure, let alone that we're
saying families are not involved, which makes it not a marriage
Too many red flags.
Too many red flags.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
I think the one thing that I forgot to mention is
that this does not exclude theimportance of assessing
compatibility.
Yes, absolutely, this is veryimportant that Missy, our
marriage number one, it shouldonly be considered in extreme
circumstances.
And secondly, it should alsoonly be considered in extreme
circumstances and secondly, itshould also only be considered
once everything else is crossedoff yes in terms of assessment?
(11:54):
are you, are your goals aligning?
Are your values aligning?
Are your expectations,lifestyle expectations?
All of those things?
Have you to discuss thosethings?
Have you asked one another theimportant questions?
All of those things should bedone, yeah, ahead of time.
Yeah, um, let's try anotherexample.
(12:18):
Uh kareem, he's 35 years old,doesn't believe in dating and
doesn't want to commit anythingharam.
He offers a misyard arrangementto multiple women over the
years, always ending them aftera few months.
He says it's a halal option.
Others call it manipulation.
(12:38):
Hmm, so where is the linebetween what's legally halal and
what's emotionally damaging?
Speaker 2 (12:49):
what's legally halal and what's emotionally damaging.
I think something that'stechnically halal doesn't
immediately makes it okay,because you could use something
halal to commit something haram.
You could use some you could usesomething uh, halal to hurt
other people.
Like, for example let's say youhave a vineyard, okay, okay,
(13:12):
you don't sell alcohol.
You just plant grapes and yousell the grapes.
You sell the harvest.
You know you're selling it tosomeone who's going to make
alcohol with it.
Let's say we're talking about aMuslim country, you know you're
selling it to someone who'sgoing to make wine with it and's
say we're talking about amuslim country, you know you're
selling it to someone who'sgoing to make wine with it and
sell it to muslims so eventhough you're not making the
(13:35):
alcohol yourself.
Planting grapes and growinggrapes is halal, but you're
using it, you're manipulatingthe deen to make something,
commit something haram.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
That's what.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
Kareem is doing here.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
Because he's ending marriages after a few months,
meaning and he's doing this tomultiple wives, meaning he's
treating it as a temporarymarriage.
Mut'a'a marriage Mut'a'amarriage Without letting the
other party know that he's goingto end the marriage, which
makes it haram.
If there's a timeline timelimit on it, deadline, which
makes it haram.
If there's a timeline timelimit on it deadline, it makes
(14:10):
it not valid marriage rightright and he's just using the
fact that the fact thattechnically, missyar is halal,
using it to fulfill his physicalneeds right.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
So yeah, like you said, he's definitely
manipulating the religion.
And not just that, he's goingin with the intention of not
even doing a proper missy ourmarriage he's just, he's
definitely just going in withthe intention of doing a
marriage.
So the intention right therefrom the get-go is already bad
(14:42):
yeah, everything starts withintention.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
you could be doing something that's super halal
technically, but with the wrongintention, like you, can fool
everyone except yourself andAllah.
You can't fool Allah.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
For sure, let's try a situation with a much older
woman.
Speaker 2 (15:04):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
So, for example, let's say her name is Samira,
she's 58 years old, uh, widowed,lonely.
Uh doesn't want to remarry in atraditional sense or have
someone take over her life.
She finds peace in a missyarrangement with an older man
who respects her independence.
Can is missy are something youthink that could probably serve
(15:28):
an aging population?
Speaker 2 (15:31):
so why doesn't she want to live with him?
Speaker 1 (15:34):
well, she is independent, she has enough
savings and money to take careof herself, and he could be
somebody that doesn't have asmuch money, but he can offer
emotional support.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Okay, I think in this case you mentioned, the
gentleman is older than her, butmaybe, like you said, for the
aging population, this could bea solution.
You know, getting married whenyou're in your 60s or 50s or 70s
or whatever, like it's a hugeadjustment, like you've lived
all your life without a partnerand now there's this person
(16:15):
living with you, you're sleepingnext to them, waking up next to
them.
They are with you 24 7 and itcould be a major inconvenience,
but at the same time you wantthe benefits of marriage, the
emotional support, thecompanionship once in a while,
the maybe even intimacy, even ata later age, later stage in
(16:39):
life.
I think in that case missy rcould be, especially if the
woman is independent and likedoing well for herself.
So it's not like he's an oldguy, she's a young girl and he's
gonna take advantage of herright.
Like she has life experience,maybe she has kids, she's doing
(16:59):
well financially I think as awhole miss your marriage.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
When I think more about the concept, I feel like
it could serve older women moreand older men.
And older men, but itdefinitely benefits younger men
too, because they're waivingfinancial responsibility.
So, that's it, or excusingthemselves from it.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
Exactly.
Why is the guy interested, likein general, not in this
specific case?
Why is a guy would beinterested in a miss your
marriage?
Speaker 1 (17:31):
obviously, because, hey, I don't have to like
provide for this girl, she cantake care of herself.
Speaker 2 (17:36):
So yay, so win-win yeah, that I don't like, that I
don't like but there's a flipside to everything.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Sometimes it could be just due to circumstance.
The guy could genuinely nothave the means to financially
take care of a wife.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
Exactly.
In that case, then yeah.
But if the guy is doing it justto take advantage of this
loophole, I guess he's nottaking advantage.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
She's agreeing to it.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
She's agreeing to it.
But what if he's able andcapable of spending on her?
Speaker 1 (18:10):
but just because she waved the right is like okay,
I'm saving like, then maybe itshould be laid out in the
contract that if the guy reachesa point whether it's through
his day job or as anentrepreneur, whatever it might
be if he gets to a point wherehe is able to take care of her
and she's able to take it easyfrom her, from her job, then
(18:31):
maybe it should be laid out inthe contract that, hey, you're
going to be takingresponsibility financially for
me okay, and is that?
Speaker 2 (18:37):
is that allowed?
That's a question.
Is that still considered?
Miss you are?
Speaker 1 (18:42):
um, I mean, circumstances change in a
marriage and I don't see areason why you can't just put
that in the contract.
There's nothing that I've comeacross that says okay, you are
not allowed to put this in thecontract.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
As long as they're agreeing to something halal,
yeah, so yeah.
That could be an option.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
Yeah, circumstances change then.
Yeah, you got to take care ofme.
That's pretty much it.
Now let's try exploring ascenario with a secret wife.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Oh, I like it.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
So Tarek is 40 years old.
He's married with children.
He takes a second wife viaMisyar without telling his first
.
She finds out months later andfeels completely betrayed.
He argues it's his right.
She files for divorce.
He, islamically, he doesn'tneed to tell his first wife.
Right, he didn't miss yourmarriage, which means he didn't
(19:41):
do anything haram.
Where does tariq stand in allthis?
Speaker 2 (19:45):
well, technically he can get married without telling
his first wife.
But is it ethical?
Like it's the mother of yourchildren, it's your other half,
your life partner, and you dolike we're not talking about he,
I don't know, he bought a newcar without telling her, right,
(20:07):
right, we're not talking about.
Like he has a bank accountsaving account that she's not
aware of.
We're talking about now hissharing, sharing bed with
another wife and his first wifedoesn't know this.
Is it ethical?
Speaker 1 (20:24):
no, of course, of course it's not.
Yeah now.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Now men could actually say well, if I dare and
mention it to her, she'simmediately gonna leave me or
divorce me or take the kids, andso, like I'm forced into this
situation of keeping it a secret, that's.
That's another discussion foranother day it's, yeah, I think
it is.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
You can't talk about this without also discussing the
, the circumstances and the needfor tarik to take on a second
wife yeah, wife, yeah why is heconsidering a second wife?
It's not because he's justtrying to stick it to a first
wife it could be maybe, but thatjust sounds immature are there
(21:08):
some needs that are not beingmet by the first wife?
Speaker 2 (21:11):
if you're interested in listening to a full
discussion on polygamy.
We did an episode, I think, twoweeks ago or three weeks ago.
Two weeks ago, yeah, so yeah,but right now we're talking
about messiah.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
That's a tough one derek is definitely setting
himself up for a big, bigheadache, big problems down the
road.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
Yeah, I think so too.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Yeah, but I think the one thing that we haven't
considered is the circumstancefor a revert Right.
So let's say Jessica, her nameis, she's a new Muslim, she's 33
years old, doesn't have aMuslim family or any sort of
community support, even thoughthe Muslims should be supporting
(21:56):
her in some way, but regardlesscommunity support, even though
the masjid should be supportingher in some way, but regardless.
She meets a practicing brotheronline who proposes miss ya as a
safe and halal way to startmarriage without all the
pressure.
She agrees but ends up isolatedand confused about her role in
rights.
Are reverts more at risk ofbeing taken advantage of through
Misyar For sure?
Speaker 2 (22:18):
I believe, For sure.
He fully took advantage of thefact that she doesn't know about
Islam like in depth andmarriages and conditions, and
yeah, that's, that's low, that'sreally low.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
Yeah, I think that was a no brainer.
I don't even need to spend toomuch time on that one.
Speaker 2 (22:36):
Yeah, yeah, we should actually dedicate an episode to
reverts and the struggles theygo through trying to get married
.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
We could just find a place where reverts could share
their stories.
Speaker 2 (22:48):
If you're a revert and you're listening, and you've
been on a journey trying to getmarried, we'd love to hear you
and listen to your story.
So you know how to reach usjust shoot us an email at info
at halal matchca.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
Yeah things happen like new um concepts and and
practices happen out ofcircumstance.
So I know you're not ahistorian, but what do you feel
like was happening in thatregion of the world 20 or 30
years ago that kind of causedthis new movement, this new
(23:24):
practice to emerge?
Speaker 2 (23:26):
well that what happened then is still happening
now, which is the fact thatthere are a surplus of a single
woman and not enough men, andthat's, let's say that happened
then.
But right now was like the mainreason for this is because
marriages are becoming harder,because our society is making
(23:49):
marriage, just getting married.
It's making it harder, whetherit's by the high maher's uh,
family's demand, whether it'sbecause of the age cultural
expectations.
Whether it's because of theolder we have a lot of older
women who are single.
They're very successful,they're independent, but they're
(24:11):
still unmarried, so they findlike a lifeline in this.
Whether it's also because somemen just don't want to commit,
like commit in a full, propermarriage, traditional marriage.
So they're just trying to findloopholes right.
(24:31):
There's a lot of reasons.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
And, yeah, the Muslim community has definitely made
marriage not just difficult butnot accessible.
Right, like we've discussed inprevious episodes, the
segregation is playing a part.
Not enough outlets andopportunities for people to get
married, you know, just therandom matrimonial events are
(24:56):
not enough.
You know, um, only recently,within the past few years, has
there been so much of a focus onpremarital workshops.
Yeah, but but still, even now Iwouldn't say that's the norm
it's not, it's not the norm.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
Like mashallah, our girls are like becoming so
successful.
Like we meet ceos, we meetprofessors, we meet surgeons, we
meet and um, because theythey're prioritizing their
education.
And this is in no way shape orform a judgment from us.
This is just stating facts.
We are seeing, and I'm sure youcan see even yourselves uh,
(25:35):
women are prioritizing thingsand putting off marriage until
they are like independent andstrong, and all of that and then
it catches it catches up tothem yeah so in those cases
missy r becomes an option yeah,I it's just.
Yeah, like you said, it's not apriority um it comes second or
(25:55):
third down the list sometimesyeah, yeah, gender roles have
changed dramatically over time,just in society in general, and
it also affected our Muslimsociety, our Muslim culture, and
you see things that we wouldn'thave seen before, like
stay-at-home dads, like mendemanding from the get-go 50, 50
(26:19):
, yeah, um cr marriages, I guessso the important thing is
always come back to the dean andlook at what our dean says
about these different topics andstuff I would say the most
important thing is purify yourintention.
Yeah, you could do something soharam.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
But using halal means so if you're a sister that's
considering the idea of a missyour marriage, or you have come
across this subject and or youknow somebody that's considering
miss your marriage, justrealize and understand what your
rights are as a wife and whatyou're giving up.
And if you are pursuing amessiah marriage, just make sure
(27:05):
you have written down on thecontract what rights you're
waiving.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
And make sure you're not just agreeing because he's
asking you to or he's pressuringyou to right.
It should be a decision thatcomes from you, from within.
You're convinced of with that,convinced of that and you're
convinced that this suits yourlifestyle.
This is what you want and notyou're being pressured to do it
(27:32):
yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:32):
Secondly, have a timeline or a long-term vision
of your marriage.
Um, you know, marriages change.
People's financialcircumstances, living
arrangements, change, so are youif, for example, let's say
hypothetically, you're waiving,uh, the financial responsibility
(27:53):
, right for the husband toprovide for you financially?
Um, and maybe down the road hewill be earning more and will be
able to provide for youfinancially?
Is that something that you'relooking to change in your
marriage?
What are you expecting him toprovide for you financially?
That's something to consider,to discuss and maybe even lay
out in the contract, right?
Speaker 2 (28:14):
yeah, so if your needs or expectations change
over time, make sure there'sroom to renegotiate and that,
like you said, if circumstanceschange, then, uh,
responsibilities and rightswould be changed as well yeah
don't enter a mcr marriage justout of desperation and because
(28:35):
the fear of missing out.
Right, make sure it suits you.
It suits your life, yourcircumstances and you're not
going to be taken advantage of.
Okay, what about the brothers?
What advice can we give them?
Speaker 1 (28:48):
be sincere, have your clear intentions.
Don't come in with theintention of manipulating a girl
.
As a man, you should have adesire to provide for your wife,
right?
You shouldn't come in with theexpectation that you know your
wife's going to be the breadwinner and I'm using the example
of finances because that's themost commonly used right that um
(29:11):
in the context of marriage orin the context of miss yar, that
is waived.
So come in with a sinceredesire to provide for your wife,
and if you can't, you can.
You know everybody'scircumstances and financial,
financial circumstances aredifferent, um.
So have that open conversation.
Um.
Have a long-term plan.
(29:32):
You know where?
Where do you see yourselffinancially?
Are you um looking to?
You know, get further training,try entrepreneurship, whatever
it is.
You should have some sort oflong-term financial goals.
And where does a future wifefit into that?
Speaker 2 (29:48):
yeah, and as cliche as it may sound, think about
this wife.
Think about this woman as ifshe were your sister.
I know it's cliche and it'soverused, but it really helps.
Would you want your sister tobe in a situation where she's
used and taken and takenadvantage of like?
Speaker 1 (30:06):
you know yourself, you know your intentions, so be
honest with yourself yeah, andalso, just because she's waiving
, for example, her financialneeds, that doesn't mean you can
ignore her emotional orspiritual needs I would say also
think beyond logistics.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
So just because she waived her rights for housing or
financial support.
But emotional safety andconsistency and dignity are not
optional.
Whether it's traditionalmarriage or messiah marriage,
you are still required toprovide spiritual support, uh,
emotional support.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
Be there for her and not neglect her altogether,
right yeah, I feel like we'reputting a lot of the pressure on
the guys we should.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
We should because it's the girl that's giving up a
lot and it's the girl that'susually and ends up in a
situation where she's takenadvantage of this is a huge
thing, and if a guy doesn't havethe right intentions or doesn't
have clarity, he could think ofthe oh, I did not know, this is
an option.
I'm just gonna forego thetraditional route.
(31:19):
I didn't know, I can just likeskip all of that.
Speaker 1 (31:23):
This is great, but no it should be saved for special
circumstances right right, um,again, if you guys, if you're a
girl or a guy, considering theidea of a miss, your marriage,
our suggestion would be numberone consult with a local scholar
, get their advice, somebodythat understands the
(31:48):
circumstances and needs of thelocal community.
Don't consult with a scholaroverseas.
That's number one.
And number two take the time toassess compatibility.
Ask the important questions thelong-term goals, the long-term
vision of your marriage, howfinances will fit into the
picture, children, all of thoseimportant things.
(32:08):
And number three do you haveany third advice?
Speaker 2 (32:13):
Of course, istikhara is always important Of course,
of course.
Seek the advice of those who arenear and dear, who would give
you sincere advice and who knowyour situation and your
circumstances.
It's not the ideal marriage.
Some situations it could be alifeline.
Some situations it could end upin a disaster.
To be subjective, most cases itdoesn't end up well.
(32:38):
Most cases it ends up with thegirl taking advantage of or it
ends up in ugly divorces.
But it doesn't mean that itshouldn't happen.
Each circumstance is different,each case is different and, uh,
I guess, until next time.
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