January 31, 2025 • 30 mins
In this episode, we’re diving into the classic “I have a career, but I’m not paying for anything” dilemma. You know, the one where women are out here making bank, but somehow, it’s still all on the man to cover the bills. We’re keeping it real and exploring the balance (or lack thereof) between having a career and contributing to the household financially. We’re not here to judge. Just a little honest chat with a side of humor to keep things light.
Got a dilemma or story? The Single Muslim Hotline is here for you! We’ll play your anonymous messages in future episodes and offer real talk. Drop us a voice note 👇🏻
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Given modern times, I feel the financial
responsibilities of a wife areIslamically no responsibilities
but if required duringemergencies, she can work with
her husband to come up with aplan to assist the family in
times of need temporarily.
However, it is the duty of thehusband to provide.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
And I'm Zaid.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
So let's dive in.
Bismillah, as-salamu alaykumeveryone.
Welcome to another episode.
My name is Zaid and on theother mic is my wife and co-host
, hiba.
As-salamu alaykum, my name isZaid and on the other mic is my
wife and co-host.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Hiba Assalamu.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
Alaikum, financial expectations.
So this is such a hot topicwhen it comes to the courting
phase.
Everybody knows money is such asensitive topic, even after
(01:06):
you're married.
People just like they get thisvery uncomfortable feeling
talking about finances, jointaccounts, savings, this and that
.
Nonetheless, nonetheless, it isan integral part of the
courting phase and when we weretalking we did kind of discuss a
little bit about finances,right?
Honestly, I can't remember um Ithink our conversations focus
mostly on minimalism onlifestyle lifestyle.
Minimalism was a big part of ourconversations, which does
(01:26):
somewhat tie into finances right, and we were pretty clear that
we wanted to live a very simple,modest life.
You know, we didn't have anybig dreams of buying a mansion
or, um, you know, buying brandname clothes or fancy cars.
We didn't really care much forthat stuff.
Did you have any specificfinancial expectations in mind?
(01:49):
maybe you didn't feelcomfortable addressing it, but
did you have any?
Because obviously you weretalking to guys before me when
you're on the matrimonialwebsite.
So what were your expectations?
Speaker 2 (01:58):
um, I think the expectation that every girl has
is that the main financialresponsibility would fall on the
guy's shoulders.
Um, but in terms of myresponsibilities, I thought I'm
gonna find a job, I'm gonnacontribute, but I don't know how
, exactly, what um like to whatextent.
(02:20):
But honestly, I've never lookedat it as like what you
contribute and what I contribute, like I look at it like two
spouses.
They're working towards thesame aim, which is the financial
health of the family.
Right, so they're bothcontributing, they're both
(02:42):
working towards financialstability okay.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
So let me throw a question at you.
Let's say we've been talkingfor a few weeks, conversations
are flowing, we're compatible onso many levels religion,
lifestyle, everything.
And then I kind of hint at youthat I'm looking for a 50 50
financial contribution, butyou're going to contribute 50.
I'm looking for a 50-50financial contribution, you're
(03:06):
going to contribute 50%, I'mgoing to contribute 50% and
we're going to put this moneyinto account and that's going to
go towards the expenses.
How would you feel?
Speaker 2 (03:15):
I think putting it in numbers like this is a major
turnoff for any girl, especiallyif we're talking about 50%, 50%
.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Okay, feel free to explain what turns you off about
that, about just the idea of50-50?
.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
First of all, as Muslims and even non-Muslims, a
wife looks up to the man as theleader, as the provider.
You could say, right, assomeone who's going to take the
financial responsibility atlarge.
Okay, and she would help, shewould support, but at the end of
the day, her job, her role as awife is take care of the
(03:55):
husband, take care of the house,take care of the children.
And if she has dreams of herown and if she has a career,
then she would contribute, ofcourse.
But putting it in these numbers, it's like we are business
partners now.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
we are not husband and wife I think the the
statement stems from the factthat it's almost especially if
you're a girl in the west, whereyou know you have the means of
getting an education and gettinga career is much easier.
I guess, in circumstances here,the expectation is that,
(04:31):
naturally, your wife is going tobe working, whether that's
part-time, full-time, whateverit might be, and so it's, I
guess, safe to assume that shewould be contributing
financially in some form.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
Yeah, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Just putting it in numbers like this, and I'm
expecting 50% we actually had aclient like this.
You remember the guy right?
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
We set him up with a girl and on the date he was very
honest.
He's I'm expecting 50%.
If you're going to be working,you're going to be contributing
50%.
If you're not working, then I'min going to be contributing 50%
.
If you're not working, then I'min charge of finances.
You don't ask me where I get my, how I get my money, what I
spend my money on.
So, of course, naturally, thegirl was absolutely turned off
(05:18):
and it didn't work out.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
I mean, that's an extreme case and I can
understand why a girl would beturned off, and I totally agree
with you that as a man, you wantto demonstrate you are the
provider, you're the caretaker,you know you're not going to be
a couch potato and rely on yourwife to be the breadwinner.
However, um, where I get turnedoff is the idea that a girl has
(05:43):
intentions on working andpossibly even pursuing a career,
even after children, yet shewants to place the expectations
of financial responsibilityentirely upon the husband, and
there is no hint, no indicationthat she's going to contribute,
unless in case it's an emergency.
(06:04):
So my question is what do youplan on spending your money on?
Speaker 2 (06:08):
yeah, that's I.
I never understood that like agirl who's successful, she has a
career, she has her education,and she's like no, I'm not
required, I'm gonna keep mycareer and I'm not required to
spend on the family, like firstwe ran into a situation like
that, remember yeah, we wereinterviewing a girl and we asked
her point blank that, um, youknow what?
Speaker 1 (06:30):
what do you plan on doing with your money?
Um, given that you plan onworking post-marriage?
Speaker 2 (06:36):
and she said I would be donating it to the community
yeah, while her husbandstruggles and works day and
night, may or may not struggle.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
But her husband would not receive any of that or the
none of her income would go tothe general expenses of the home
yeah, exactly that.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
I think that's something that girls sometimes
misunderstand is that you're notgiving money to your husband,
you're not spending on yourhusband.
You are supporting the familylike it's your family, it's your
kids, it's both, like both ofyou are living under the same
roof, utilizing the utilities,the food, the whatever, so it's
(07:14):
not like you're giving him moneyI think it stems from a certain
level of fear that, um, ifgirls aren't clear about that
from the get-go, that theirrights are going to be trampled
upon.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
And that they're.
You know, by stating that,Islamically, I don't have to
contribute Islamically, theseare what my responsibilities are
, and if they don't do that,then the guy's going to take
advantage of them.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
Yes yeah, and I think also because some girls have
seen what's out there, have seenthat guys are expecting 50,
like in writing or something,and yeah, I guess, like we did
hear it from that guy, and I'msure he's not the only one and
we had another girl who said, uh, on her form, that it's a major
(08:03):
turnoff for her when guysmention it in the first two or
three meetings that they'reexpecting 50.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
and I think this is just a reaction, like one
extreme leads to another extremeso the sad thing is that it's a
few bad, few bad apples thatare just ruining for everyone
you never know, maybe it's morethan few bad apples I guess.
I don't know, I'm not every guyout there on his match or on on
the matrimony website, so Idon't know um, but you know um,
(08:31):
like when girls say thatislamically I'm not required,
islamically it's the guy'sresponsibility.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
Well, there is a spirit of islam besides the the,
the fiqh itself, the rulingitself exactly so.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Any experienced, qualified scholar, any sort of
counselor, anybody would tellyou that if you're going to base
your marriage on just thelegalities, on just the
technicalities, your marriagewill not flourish yeah, yeah, um
habib akande elaborated on thatjust last week yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
And actually, if you are going to stick to the
Islamic rulings, well,Islamically, your husband can
stop you from working.
You're only working because ofhis permission right.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Exactly.
And not just that, he does nothave to provide anything beyond
food, shelter, clothing,feminine hygiene products, which
falls under maintenance andcare.
But we can skip the flowers,the anniversaries, the vacations
, the dining out, all the smallthings that make the marriage
(09:40):
beautiful that bring life intothe marriage.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
He can skip out on all that and just live on the
bare minimum so, whatever he'sspending more than that, just
the bare minimum that's sadaqahfrom him.
Now wouldn't you want toreciprocate the sadaqah,
especially like we're not sayingthat you're not working, you
want to have a traditional life,but now you feel forced to go
out and work and provide?
(10:02):
That's not what we're saying.
But if you are planning onhaving a career, then why not
meet your husband halfway?
He's trying his best to providemore than just a bare minimum.
So it just.
I think honestly it's justabout the perspective, like how
marriage is perceived.
If it's perceived aspartnership, it it makes it more
(10:25):
like a business.
I do my part, you do your part.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
Or an exchange.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
An exchange, but it's not marriage.
In reality, it's not like that.
Marriage is a union right.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
Like we always say it's a union.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
It's a means of growth for both of you, and
you're there to cover eachother's faults, support each
other.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
One is going gonna fall short here, the other one's
gonna fall short here, but wecan't keep sticking to the you
can't keep score I guess yeahyeah, and obviously we gotta
address the, the the most commonsense part of this, which is
inflation is high, cost ofliving is high.
You really expect a guy to takecare of everything, unless he's
(11:06):
, you know, a high-endprofessional or a successful
entrepreneur.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
I mean, those are the exceptions or maybe he
inherited some money, or heinherited a large amount of
money, but I'm talking about the, the average guy okay, the cost
I mean come on walmart's butterright now is like 8, 50 or 9
dollars.
It's ridiculous let alone ifthere are kids in the picture
Right.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
So I mean, yeah, on top of that, you know, if you're
not going to be working postkids, then he's going to be, you
know, bearing the burden evenmore.
So just be mindful of that,alleviate his burden as much as
you can, instead of justtreating marriage like it's some
sort of transaction.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
And so those words that you heard in the beginning
were word for word what one ofour clients put in her form in
regards to financialexpectations.
And, believe it or not, theseare words that we read often,
where girls are saying in someform or another that they will
only contribute in case of anemergency, or that they'll only
(12:08):
help out for vacations or, youknow, bills here and there, and
that they're just hinting at thefact that they want to be
treated as a backup financialplan and to start off a marriage
like that where you are justputting the financial burden on
(12:28):
your husband.
I mean, I'm going to be prettyblunt here and I remember saying
this to you earlier on and Istill stick to this, stick to
this, that if a girl chooses towork and does not contribute in
some form or another to thegeneral expenses of the home,
then she is selfish I have tosay I agree with you.
(12:49):
I agree with you and for you,for girls and I know when I say
you I'm addressing girls for youto just hide behind religion is
such a turnoff.
For a guy it's a huge turnoff.
And if I was to read anythinglike that even remotely hinted
at the idea of her notcontributing or just
(13:11):
contributing in a very minimalform, my impression would be
that she's coming in with a verytransactional mindset, that
she's not treating marriage as aunion right, as a team, where,
like you and I are on the sameteam.
(13:31):
And I was saying this to youthe other day that you know the
way I look at marriage, and evenback when I was still searching
, is that my wife's dreams,goals, her desires, her
ambitions, they're mine and Iwould expect my dreams, my goals
, my desires and everything thatI want out of life to be hers
(13:53):
right, and that we're helpingeach other right, given within
this, that it's within theframework of islam, yeah, that
we're helping each other toachieve that your success is my
success.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
My success is your success.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
Yeah, right, just like chris roxanne, yeah okay,
let me ask you a question okay,so let's go back to islamically,
right?
Speaker 2 (14:12):
so, islamically, the girl should be taken care of.
Now, some might like this, somemight hate this, but according
to islam, a girl should be takencare of, whether she's at her
parents house, whether she'smarried, whether she's divorced,
she shouldn't have to worryabout finances.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
Right, this is right okay, I'm not, I can't argue
with that.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
Okay, right, that's islam okay, so that's a
privilege that women get inislam right now for a girl.
I know where you're going withthis no for a girl to come out
and say that is it wrong no, no,I was actually gonna ask you a
question yeah can you tell me,like honestly, that if you were
(14:56):
a girl and you knew that you hadthis option, I never have to
worry about finances, I neverhave to work, I'm always taken
care of.
If you were a girl, would youforfeit this privilege?
Speaker 1 (15:08):
I mean when you phrase it like that first of all
, I'm not a girl.
No, I mean that's a very loadedquestion, because the way that
I phrased it before is that if agirl chooses to work, if you
choose not to work and you wantto live that lifestyle, that's
fine.
You are completely within yourIslamic right to do that.
(15:30):
But realize this that it comesat a cost right that you cannot
have it both ways.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
I was going to say, yeah, that's a fair point, yes,
that's a fair point.
Yes, that's a fair point, rightlike.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
You want that lifestyle.
That's fine, so it's withinyour right.
But realize that we're gonnahave to forego dining out.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
We're gonna have to forego the fancy vacation if he
can't afford it.
If I can, most likely I won'tbe able to afford it.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
I'll be honest right, and I would assume that the
average guy cannot afford it,who probably lives in Ontario.
So we're going to have toforego a lot of things that you
would otherwise enjoy.
So pick what you want.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
I was actually going to say something else.
I thought you were referring tothis when you said you want to
have it both ways, as in a girlwants to work, I want to prove
myself, I want to contribute tosociety.
I want to prove myself, I wantto contribute to society, I want
to be successful and have acareer.
So she wants to have that andat the same time, she wants to
be taken care of.
So it feels that some girlswant to have their cake and eat
(16:32):
it too.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
I totally agree.
Yeah, I totally agree.
The girl that we werementioning earlier who said that
she would come contribute hermoney to the community.
It just really felt like shewanted to have her cake and eat
it too like subhanallah, who hasthe most right to your sadaqah?
Speaker 2 (16:50):
is it people in the community, or is it your husband
, who's working, who's tryinghis best to provide for the
family?
Like, if you want to spend yourmoney as a sadaqah, then your
family is the most right moneyas a sadaqah, then your family
is the most rightful to thesadaqah.
Like, there's the story of thewife of Ibn Mas'ud, radiallahu
anhu.
Right, it's exactly the samesituation.
(17:10):
She was providing for thefamily and the Prophet, peace be
upon him, told her to keepspending on her family, because
this way, you get double thereward the sadaqah itself and
supporting your family kinship.
Right, um, it is.
It is not that easy, honestly.
Like you find yourselfbombarded with, uh, feminist
(17:34):
views and, at the same time, uh,islamic views, and you're in
the middle and you want to havethe best, like, you want to be
in the best situation foryourself, and it's like,
honestly, it becomes veryconfusing and, at the same time,
like we said, like we don'twant to put all the blame on the
girls, because what girls seefrom guys when they're trying to
(17:56):
get married, like some of it,is so crazy, it's so outrageous.
So they want to protectthemselves.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
I'd love to just see what guys are putting.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Honestly girls if you're listening and if you're
going through this journey andyou're getting some crazy
expectations from guys, pleasewrite to us, like we want to
know what you're seeing.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
I'd love to know yeah .
Speaker 2 (18:21):
As Muslims, we need to understand that the deen came
to make our life easier andit's a way to rule our lives and
just help us gain claritynavigating this life, and it's
not there for us to gain pointsor win an argument or have the
upper hand and score more and soabusing the dean to make our
(18:45):
life more convenient is unfairto the dean itself or using the
dean as a means of leverage yeah, exactly right, because, like,
like we said, you pull somethinglike this, he will pull
something else, and you willpull something else At the end
of the day, like Islam wouldjust become like this what is
(19:06):
the word?
like this ping ball that you'rethrowing at each other.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Right, I mean, it's like you started off in the
beginning of the episode.
There's the spirit of Islam andthen there are the legal and
technical aspects of Islam andthen there are the legal and
technical aspects of Islam.
If you're overwhelmed andburdened and just don't know
where to seek help, let us helpyou.
We can be your personalmatchmakers.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
Visit us at halalmatchca and book a free
call with us.
Okay, let me ask you somequestions, mister.
Did you face something similarwhen you were looking?
Speaker 1 (19:42):
What do you mean?
Speaker 2 (19:44):
Like you would be talking to girls and they would
mention something like oh, I'mnot planning to work, or I
expect all financialresponsibilities to fall on your
shoulders.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
Not in that way what I would come across a lot of was
the unrealistic expectations ofprofession which I've told you
many times right.
That girls many cases parents,but also, in some situations,
girls expecting me to pursue amore lucrative career you know,
(20:18):
medicine, law, law, engineering,things like that uh, something
that's more financially stable,which isn't too far off what
we're just talking talking aboutright now because that stems
from the expectation that thegirl's going to be taken care of
.
So it um, that was a lot ofwhat I was seeing.
(20:39):
I feel I don't recall havingtoo many detailed conversations
about finances specifically.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
You know what you asked me about when I was
looking like.
If you asked me this question,or hinted to that question, I
would honestly have no problem.
Like, let's say, I had asuccessful career and I was
earning, I think I would have noproblem contributing all my
income to the family.
But I would have a problem ifsomebody said I expect you to
(21:12):
spend 50, even though I would bespending more and investing all
my income on the family.
But that would be fine with me,as opposed to somebody saying I
expect you.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
So I think what girls are turned off is the
expectation that, oh, you'reexpected to, you're required to
spend like girls don't like that, uh, assumption I would spend
if I want to spend I get wherethat's coming from because, like
I said before, it gives theimpression that the guy is not
(21:45):
fulfilling his duty as a leader,as a woman, and that he's kind
of coming off as like this lazycouch potato who doesn't want to
do his part or um cheap, acheap guy or cheap guy yeah like
, if you're gonna be as a guy,if you're gonna be spending 50,
(22:06):
what are you gonna be doing withthe rest of your income?
Speaker 2 (22:10):
have you thought about that?
Speaker 1 (22:12):
cars, toys.
Well, in that your man cave.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Yeah, in that case, a girl is more entitled to do
that than a guy Because, like wesaid, islamically he's the one
who's responsible for finances.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Yeah, I think just having this conversation in
general during the courtingphase is tough and wording your
questions carefully is very,very important.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
Nonetheless, it's a very important conversation to
have and don't feel like, oh,it's going to come off awkward.
I would feel uncomfortable tomention it because, like we said
last week, finances andintimacy problems are the two
major causes for divorce, sodon't put it off Now.
(23:06):
The question is how to go aboutthis conversation and when to
go about it when to mention it.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
So, number one, I would never go about this
conversation in the first week,in the first or second week.
In the first week, in the firstor second week, um, I mean
depending on how the pace of thecourting phase is going.
Uh, there are so many moreimportant things to be talking
about.
Not to say that finance is notimportant, but you want to first
focus on similarities, commonvalues, interests, have some
(23:36):
sense of flow to yourconversations in the beginning,
and then start talking about themore you know difficult stuff
kids, lifestyle, finances, stufflike that.
Now, how to phrase thosequestions?
I would say, first of all, youwant to see what is the
lifestyle that this girl hasbeen brought up in.
Does she, you know, does shelive in like downtown toronto,
(24:00):
have her own house and you know?
Or oakville, which is kind ofan expensive area to live in?
oh is it?
Oakville is, I think, um evenmississauga is pretty expensive
god, as if guelph is notexpensive.
Everywhere is expensive thesedays yeah, well, the further
kind of east you go towardsmississauga, the more expensive
it gets.
Regardless, you want to see herlifestyle right.
(24:23):
How has she been?
How has she been brought up?
Um?
vice versa as well vice versa,but I'm talking from a guy's
perspective.
Um, you know the kind of carshe drives the the way she
spends her money.
I mean, is she the type to gowindow shopping every weekend?
Does she just buy stuff shedoesn't need?
(24:44):
Does she have an entire closetfull of shoes, which reminds me
of someone?
Speaker 2 (24:50):
Salamsis.
Speaker 1 (24:53):
So lifestyle?
You want to assess herlifestyle and right off the bat,
you can immediately assess okay, this person is going to be
compatible for you or not.
Because to pull somebody awayfrom that and for them to accept
something that's less than whatshe is used to, to put it
loosely, is a bit unrealistic,right?
(25:15):
Is that a fair point?
Speaker 2 (25:16):
uh.
Well, what if she is used tothis lifestyle but she's willing
to change?
She has no problem changing.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Oh, come on does that really happen?
Speaker 2 (25:25):
I, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
It depends on the person she's used to driving a
mercedes-benz and having like anentire floor to herself in in
her daddy's house and uh, andbuys new shoes every weekend,
wears a brand name bag and stuffand then all of a sudden, her
husband can't do these thingsfor her in that case, she should
be the breadwinner if she canafford this lifestyle she can
(25:48):
afford it because she lives athome
Speaker 2 (25:49):
okay, right, and maybe daddy provides for us some
of that that's actuallysomething we see a lot on girls
forums that I've never had toworry about debt.
It's the guy's responsibilities.
I've always had a job, so theguy should as well.
And and girls live with theirparents.
But wait a second, guys livewith their parents as well until
(26:11):
they get married, most guysright no, not really.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
You've seen a lot of guys like the one guy we were
just recently trying to match.
He's been living on his own fora while right, right, right,
okay.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
Um well, I personally think that the way to go about
this conversation would be,first of all, going back to the
rules of asking questions, don'task.
Yes, no questions, don't ask.
Oh.
Are you expecting, uh,expecting me to spend 100% on
the family?
Speaker 1 (26:40):
Are you expecting me?
Speaker 2 (26:41):
to be the only breadwinner, exactly, don't do
that, just generally you can ask.
So what are your expectationsin terms of finances for the
future?
What kind of lifestyle are youlooking to have?
Speaker 1 (26:56):
How do you envision a work balance, work, family
balance, right um also like areyou is buying a house important
to you, or are you okay livingin one, one or two bedroom
apartment for, like I don't know, 10, 15 years, or until you
have your first kid?
Speaker 2 (27:15):
um, these questions are important there are a lot of
ways to ask, but the mostimportant thing is don't shy
away from this conversationbecause you want to know the
sooner the better, but, like yousaid, not in the first or two
meetings.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
I would say not in the first one or two meetings.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
And actually in our compatibility challenge book we
have a lot of questions aboutfinances which can break this
awkwardness about this topic.
If you're looking for ways totalk about this topic, then we
encourage you to check our bookout.
It's available on our websiteAlso.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
you know if we have seen girls who have expressed a
desire to be, to take on atraditional role.
So what are her financialexpectations?
If she's going to be doing that, is she still looking to have
her cake and eat it too, andthat could be a major red flag
or is she okay with living asimpler lifestyle, given that
(28:11):
she's not going to be working orcontributing?
And so you want to assess thesevery nuanced things in your
conversations.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
And same thing goes for the girls as well.
I mean, you also should ask theguy questions to just learn
about his spending habits.
Is he the kind of guy to go onI don't know shopping sprees and
buy like expensive sneakers andchange a car every other year
(28:43):
or so?
Or is he more the responsibletype?
Um, does he have debt?
Or also, does she have debtright?
This is something veryimportant to uh be aware of
before you say I do uh anystudent loans.
So, yeah, all these topicsabout finances are very
important to cover and, at theend of the day, it's a tawfiq
(29:06):
from Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala.
But you just do your part andleave the rest to Him.
At the end of the day, you'reboth on the same team, you're
both working towards the samegoals and you're there to help
each other.
Speaker 1 (29:18):
Exactly so.
If you are looking for a matchand you've come across some
crazy questions or requestsregarding finances, or somebody
has said that they're expecting50-50, or a girl has said to a
guy listening that she is notgoing to contribute at all
because she expects to be takencare of whatever it might be, we
(29:41):
would love to hear about it,because this podcast can only
grow from your feedback.
So the more we hear from youguys, the more we can give back
to you guys.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
So yeah, please email us at info at halalmashca, or
just feel free to leave acomment then.
Speaker 2 (29:58):
Yeah, we'll see you next time.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
All right, assalamu alaikum.
Given modern times, I feel the financial
responsibilities of a wife areIslamically no responsibilities
but if required duringemergencies, she can work with
her husband to come up with aplan to assist the family in
times of need temporarily.
However, it is the duty of thehusband to provide.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
Speaker 1 (00:21):
And I'm Zaid.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
So let's dive in.
Bismillah, as-salamu alaykumeveryone.
Welcome to another episode.
My name is Zaid and on theother mic is my wife and co-host
, hiba.
As-salamu alaykum, my name isZaid and on the other mic is my
wife and co-host.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Hiba Assalamu.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
Alaikum, financial expectations.
So this is such a hot topicwhen it comes to the courting
phase.
Everybody knows money is such asensitive topic, even after
(01:06):
you're married.
People just like they get thisvery uncomfortable feeling
talking about finances, jointaccounts, savings, this and that
.
Nonetheless, nonetheless, it isan integral part of the
courting phase and when we weretalking we did kind of discuss a
little bit about finances,right?
Honestly, I can't remember um Ithink our conversations focus
mostly on minimalism onlifestyle lifestyle.
Minimalism was a big part of ourconversations, which does
(01:26):
somewhat tie into finances right, and we were pretty clear that
we wanted to live a very simple,modest life.
You know, we didn't have anybig dreams of buying a mansion
or, um, you know, buying brandname clothes or fancy cars.
We didn't really care much forthat stuff.
Did you have any specificfinancial expectations in mind?
(01:49):
maybe you didn't feelcomfortable addressing it, but
did you have any?
Because obviously you weretalking to guys before me when
you're on the matrimonialwebsite.
So what were your expectations?
Speaker 2 (01:58):
um, I think the expectation that every girl has
is that the main financialresponsibility would fall on the
guy's shoulders.
Um, but in terms of myresponsibilities, I thought I'm
gonna find a job, I'm gonnacontribute, but I don't know how
, exactly, what um like to whatextent.
(02:20):
But honestly, I've never lookedat it as like what you
contribute and what I contribute, like I look at it like two
spouses.
They're working towards thesame aim, which is the financial
health of the family.
Right, so they're bothcontributing, they're both
(02:42):
working towards financialstability okay.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
So let me throw a question at you.
Let's say we've been talkingfor a few weeks, conversations
are flowing, we're compatible onso many levels religion,
lifestyle, everything.
And then I kind of hint at youthat I'm looking for a 50 50
financial contribution, butyou're going to contribute 50.
I'm looking for a 50-50financial contribution, you're
(03:06):
going to contribute 50%, I'mgoing to contribute 50% and
we're going to put this moneyinto account and that's going to
go towards the expenses.
How would you feel?
Speaker 2 (03:15):
I think putting it in numbers like this is a major
turnoff for any girl, especiallyif we're talking about 50%, 50%
.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Okay, feel free to explain what turns you off about
that, about just the idea of50-50?
.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
First of all, as Muslims and even non-Muslims, a
wife looks up to the man as theleader, as the provider.
You could say, right, assomeone who's going to take the
financial responsibility atlarge.
Okay, and she would help, shewould support, but at the end of
the day, her job, her role as awife is take care of the
(03:55):
husband, take care of the house,take care of the children.
And if she has dreams of herown and if she has a career,
then she would contribute, ofcourse.
But putting it in these numbers, it's like we are business
partners now.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
we are not husband and wife I think the the
statement stems from the factthat it's almost especially if
you're a girl in the west, whereyou know you have the means of
getting an education and gettinga career is much easier.
I guess, in circumstances here,the expectation is that,
(04:31):
naturally, your wife is going tobe working, whether that's
part-time, full-time, whateverit might be, and so it's, I
guess, safe to assume that shewould be contributing
financially in some form.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
Yeah, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
Just putting it in numbers like this, and I'm
expecting 50% we actually had aclient like this.
You remember the guy right?
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
We set him up with a girl and on the date he was very
honest.
He's I'm expecting 50%.
If you're going to be working,you're going to be contributing
50%.
If you're not working, then I'min going to be contributing 50%
.
If you're not working, then I'min charge of finances.
You don't ask me where I get my, how I get my money, what I
spend my money on.
So, of course, naturally, thegirl was absolutely turned off
(05:18):
and it didn't work out.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
I mean, that's an extreme case and I can
understand why a girl would beturned off, and I totally agree
with you that as a man, you wantto demonstrate you are the
provider, you're the caretaker,you know you're not going to be
a couch potato and rely on yourwife to be the breadwinner.
However, um, where I get turnedoff is the idea that a girl has
(05:43):
intentions on working andpossibly even pursuing a career,
even after children, yet shewants to place the expectations
of financial responsibilityentirely upon the husband, and
there is no hint, no indicationthat she's going to contribute,
unless in case it's an emergency.
(06:04):
So my question is what do youplan on spending your money on?
Speaker 2 (06:08):
yeah, that's I.
I never understood that like agirl who's successful, she has a
career, she has her education,and she's like no, I'm not
required, I'm gonna keep mycareer and I'm not required to
spend on the family, like firstwe ran into a situation like
that, remember yeah, we wereinterviewing a girl and we asked
her point blank that, um, youknow what?
Speaker 1 (06:30):
what do you plan on doing with your money?
Um, given that you plan onworking post-marriage?
Speaker 2 (06:36):
and she said I would be donating it to the community
yeah, while her husbandstruggles and works day and
night, may or may not struggle.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
But her husband would not receive any of that or the
none of her income would go tothe general expenses of the home
yeah, exactly that.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
I think that's something that girls sometimes
misunderstand is that you're notgiving money to your husband,
you're not spending on yourhusband.
You are supporting the familylike it's your family, it's your
kids, it's both, like both ofyou are living under the same
roof, utilizing the utilities,the food, the whatever, so it's
(07:14):
not like you're giving him moneyI think it stems from a certain
level of fear that, um, ifgirls aren't clear about that
from the get-go, that theirrights are going to be trampled
upon.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
And that they're.
You know, by stating that,Islamically, I don't have to
contribute Islamically, theseare what my responsibilities are
, and if they don't do that,then the guy's going to take
advantage of them.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
Yes yeah, and I think also because some girls have
seen what's out there, have seenthat guys are expecting 50,
like in writing or something,and yeah, I guess, like we did
hear it from that guy, and I'msure he's not the only one and
we had another girl who said, uh, on her form, that it's a major
(08:03):
turnoff for her when guysmention it in the first two or
three meetings that they'reexpecting 50.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
and I think this is just a reaction, like one
extreme leads to another extremeso the sad thing is that it's a
few bad, few bad apples thatare just ruining for everyone
you never know, maybe it's morethan few bad apples I guess.
I don't know, I'm not every guyout there on his match or on on
the matrimony website, so Idon't know um, but you know um,
(08:31):
like when girls say thatislamically I'm not required,
islamically it's the guy'sresponsibility.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
Well, there is a spirit of islam besides the the,
the fiqh itself, the rulingitself exactly so.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Any experienced, qualified scholar, any sort of
counselor, anybody would tellyou that if you're going to base
your marriage on just thelegalities, on just the
technicalities, your marriagewill not flourish yeah, yeah, um
habib akande elaborated on thatjust last week yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
And actually, if you are going to stick to the
Islamic rulings, well,Islamically, your husband can
stop you from working.
You're only working because ofhis permission right.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Exactly.
And not just that, he does nothave to provide anything beyond
food, shelter, clothing,feminine hygiene products, which
falls under maintenance andcare.
But we can skip the flowers,the anniversaries, the vacations
, the dining out, all the smallthings that make the marriage
(09:40):
beautiful that bring life intothe marriage.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
He can skip out on all that and just live on the
bare minimum so, whatever he'sspending more than that, just
the bare minimum that's sadaqahfrom him.
Now wouldn't you want toreciprocate the sadaqah,
especially like we're not sayingthat you're not working, you
want to have a traditional life,but now you feel forced to go
out and work and provide?
(10:02):
That's not what we're saying.
But if you are planning onhaving a career, then why not
meet your husband halfway?
He's trying his best to providemore than just a bare minimum.
So it just.
I think honestly it's justabout the perspective, like how
marriage is perceived.
If it's perceived aspartnership, it it makes it more
(10:25):
like a business.
I do my part, you do your part.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
Or an exchange.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
An exchange, but it's not marriage.
In reality, it's not like that.
Marriage is a union right.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
Like we always say it's a union.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
It's a means of growth for both of you, and
you're there to cover eachother's faults, support each
other.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
One is going gonna fall short here, the other one's
gonna fall short here, but wecan't keep sticking to the you
can't keep score I guess yeahyeah, and obviously we gotta
address the, the the most commonsense part of this, which is
inflation is high, cost ofliving is high.
You really expect a guy to takecare of everything, unless he's
(11:06):
, you know, a high-endprofessional or a successful
entrepreneur.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
I mean, those are the exceptions or maybe he
inherited some money, or heinherited a large amount of
money, but I'm talking about the, the average guy okay, the cost
I mean come on walmart's butterright now is like 8, 50 or 9
dollars.
It's ridiculous let alone ifthere are kids in the picture
Right.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
So I mean, yeah, on top of that, you know, if you're
not going to be working postkids, then he's going to be, you
know, bearing the burden evenmore.
So just be mindful of that,alleviate his burden as much as
you can, instead of justtreating marriage like it's some
sort of transaction.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
And so those words that you heard in the beginning
were word for word what one ofour clients put in her form in
regards to financialexpectations.
And, believe it or not, theseare words that we read often,
where girls are saying in someform or another that they will
only contribute in case of anemergency, or that they'll only
(12:08):
help out for vacations or, youknow, bills here and there, and
that they're just hinting at thefact that they want to be
treated as a backup financialplan and to start off a marriage
like that where you are justputting the financial burden on
(12:28):
your husband.
I mean, I'm going to be prettyblunt here and I remember saying
this to you earlier on and Istill stick to this, stick to
this, that if a girl chooses towork and does not contribute in
some form or another to thegeneral expenses of the home,
then she is selfish I have tosay I agree with you.
(12:49):
I agree with you and for you,for girls and I know when I say
you I'm addressing girls for youto just hide behind religion is
such a turnoff.
For a guy it's a huge turnoff.
And if I was to read anythinglike that even remotely hinted
at the idea of her notcontributing or just
(13:11):
contributing in a very minimalform, my impression would be
that she's coming in with a verytransactional mindset, that
she's not treating marriage as aunion right, as a team, where,
like you and I are on the sameteam.
(13:31):
And I was saying this to youthe other day that you know the
way I look at marriage, and evenback when I was still searching
, is that my wife's dreams,goals, her desires, her
ambitions, they're mine and Iwould expect my dreams, my goals
, my desires and everything thatI want out of life to be hers
(13:53):
right, and that we're helpingeach other right, given within
this, that it's within theframework of islam, yeah, that
we're helping each other toachieve that your success is my
success.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
My success is your success.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
Yeah, right, just like chris roxanne, yeah okay,
let me ask you a question okay,so let's go back to islamically,
right?
Speaker 2 (14:12):
so, islamically, the girl should be taken care of.
Now, some might like this, somemight hate this, but according
to islam, a girl should be takencare of, whether she's at her
parents house, whether she'smarried, whether she's divorced,
she shouldn't have to worryabout finances.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
Right, this is right okay, I'm not, I can't argue
with that.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
Okay, right, that's islam okay, so that's a
privilege that women get inislam right now for a girl.
I know where you're going withthis no for a girl to come out
and say that is it wrong no, no,I was actually gonna ask you a
question yeah can you tell me,like honestly, that if you were
(14:56):
a girl and you knew that you hadthis option, I never have to
worry about finances, I neverhave to work, I'm always taken
care of.
If you were a girl, would youforfeit this privilege?
Speaker 1 (15:08):
I mean when you phrase it like that first of all
, I'm not a girl.
No, I mean that's a very loadedquestion, because the way that
I phrased it before is that if agirl chooses to work, if you
choose not to work and you wantto live that lifestyle, that's
fine.
You are completely within yourIslamic right to do that.
(15:30):
But realize this that it comesat a cost right that you cannot
have it both ways.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
I was going to say, yeah, that's a fair point, yes,
that's a fair point.
Yes, that's a fair point, rightlike.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
You want that lifestyle.
That's fine, so it's withinyour right.
But realize that we're gonnahave to forego dining out.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
We're gonna have to forego the fancy vacation if he
can't afford it.
If I can, most likely I won'tbe able to afford it.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
I'll be honest right, and I would assume that the
average guy cannot afford it,who probably lives in Ontario.
So we're going to have toforego a lot of things that you
would otherwise enjoy.
So pick what you want.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
I was actually going to say something else.
I thought you were referring tothis when you said you want to
have it both ways, as in a girlwants to work, I want to prove
myself, I want to contribute tosociety.
I want to prove myself, I wantto contribute to society, I want
to be successful and have acareer.
So she wants to have that andat the same time, she wants to
be taken care of.
So it feels that some girlswant to have their cake and eat
(16:32):
it too.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
I totally agree.
Yeah, I totally agree.
The girl that we werementioning earlier who said that
she would come contribute hermoney to the community.
It just really felt like shewanted to have her cake and eat
it too like subhanallah, who hasthe most right to your sadaqah?
Speaker 2 (16:50):
is it people in the community, or is it your husband
, who's working, who's tryinghis best to provide for the
family?
Like, if you want to spend yourmoney as a sadaqah, then your
family is the most right moneyas a sadaqah, then your family
is the most rightful to thesadaqah.
Like, there's the story of thewife of Ibn Mas'ud, radiallahu
anhu.
Right, it's exactly the samesituation.
(17:10):
She was providing for thefamily and the Prophet, peace be
upon him, told her to keepspending on her family, because
this way, you get double thereward the sadaqah itself and
supporting your family kinship.
Right, um, it is.
It is not that easy, honestly.
Like you find yourselfbombarded with, uh, feminist
(17:34):
views and, at the same time, uh,islamic views, and you're in
the middle and you want to havethe best, like, you want to be
in the best situation foryourself, and it's like,
honestly, it becomes veryconfusing and, at the same time,
like we said, like we don'twant to put all the blame on the
girls, because what girls seefrom guys when they're trying to
(17:56):
get married, like some of it,is so crazy, it's so outrageous.
So they want to protectthemselves.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
I'd love to just see what guys are putting.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Honestly girls if you're listening and if you're
going through this journey andyou're getting some crazy
expectations from guys, pleasewrite to us, like we want to
know what you're seeing.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
I'd love to know yeah .
Speaker 2 (18:21):
As Muslims, we need to understand that the deen came
to make our life easier andit's a way to rule our lives and
just help us gain claritynavigating this life, and it's
not there for us to gain pointsor win an argument or have the
upper hand and score more and soabusing the dean to make our
(18:45):
life more convenient is unfairto the dean itself or using the
dean as a means of leverage yeah, exactly right, because, like,
like we said, you pull somethinglike this, he will pull
something else, and you willpull something else At the end
of the day, like Islam wouldjust become like this what is
(19:06):
the word?
like this ping ball that you'rethrowing at each other.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Right, I mean, it's like you started off in the
beginning of the episode.
There's the spirit of Islam andthen there are the legal and
technical aspects of Islam andthen there are the legal and
technical aspects of Islam.
If you're overwhelmed andburdened and just don't know
where to seek help, let us helpyou.
We can be your personalmatchmakers.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
Visit us at halalmatchca and book a free
call with us.
Okay, let me ask you somequestions, mister.
Did you face something similarwhen you were looking?
Speaker 1 (19:42):
What do you mean?
Speaker 2 (19:44):
Like you would be talking to girls and they would
mention something like oh, I'mnot planning to work, or I
expect all financialresponsibilities to fall on your
shoulders.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
Not in that way what I would come across a lot of was
the unrealistic expectations ofprofession which I've told you
many times right.
That girls many cases parents,but also, in some situations,
girls expecting me to pursue amore lucrative career you know,
(20:18):
medicine, law, law, engineering,things like that uh, something
that's more financially stable,which isn't too far off what
we're just talking talking aboutright now because that stems
from the expectation that thegirl's going to be taken care of
.
So it um, that was a lot ofwhat I was seeing.
(20:39):
I feel I don't recall havingtoo many detailed conversations
about finances specifically.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
You know what you asked me about when I was
looking like.
If you asked me this question,or hinted to that question, I
would honestly have no problem.
Like, let's say, I had asuccessful career and I was
earning, I think I would have noproblem contributing all my
income to the family.
But I would have a problem ifsomebody said I expect you to
(21:12):
spend 50, even though I would bespending more and investing all
my income on the family.
But that would be fine with me,as opposed to somebody saying I
expect you.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
So I think what girls are turned off is the
expectation that, oh, you'reexpected to, you're required to
spend like girls don't like that, uh, assumption I would spend
if I want to spend I get wherethat's coming from because, like
I said before, it gives theimpression that the guy is not
(21:45):
fulfilling his duty as a leader,as a woman, and that he's kind
of coming off as like this lazycouch potato who doesn't want to
do his part or um cheap, acheap guy or cheap guy yeah like
, if you're gonna be as a guy,if you're gonna be spending 50,
(22:06):
what are you gonna be doing withthe rest of your income?
Speaker 2 (22:10):
have you thought about that?
Speaker 1 (22:12):
cars, toys.
Well, in that your man cave.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Yeah, in that case, a girl is more entitled to do
that than a guy Because, like wesaid, islamically he's the one
who's responsible for finances.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Yeah, I think just having this conversation in
general during the courtingphase is tough and wording your
questions carefully is very,very important.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
Nonetheless, it's a very important conversation to
have and don't feel like, oh,it's going to come off awkward.
I would feel uncomfortable tomention it because, like we said
last week, finances andintimacy problems are the two
major causes for divorce, sodon't put it off Now.
(23:06):
The question is how to go aboutthis conversation and when to
go about it when to mention it.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
So, number one, I would never go about this
conversation in the first week,in the first or second week.
In the first week, in the firstor second week, um, I mean
depending on how the pace of thecourting phase is going.
Uh, there are so many moreimportant things to be talking
about.
Not to say that finance is notimportant, but you want to first
focus on similarities, commonvalues, interests, have some
(23:36):
sense of flow to yourconversations in the beginning,
and then start talking about themore you know difficult stuff
kids, lifestyle, finances, stufflike that.
Now, how to phrase thosequestions?
I would say, first of all, youwant to see what is the
lifestyle that this girl hasbeen brought up in.
Does she, you know, does shelive in like downtown toronto,
(24:00):
have her own house and you know?
Or oakville, which is kind ofan expensive area to live in?
oh is it?
Oakville is, I think, um evenmississauga is pretty expensive
god, as if guelph is notexpensive.
Everywhere is expensive thesedays yeah, well, the further
kind of east you go towardsmississauga, the more expensive
it gets.
Regardless, you want to see herlifestyle right.
(24:23):
How has she been?
How has she been brought up?
Um?
vice versa as well vice versa,but I'm talking from a guy's
perspective.
Um, you know the kind of carshe drives the the way she
spends her money.
I mean, is she the type to gowindow shopping every weekend?
Does she just buy stuff shedoesn't need?
(24:44):
Does she have an entire closetfull of shoes, which reminds me
of someone?
Speaker 2 (24:50):
Salamsis.
Speaker 1 (24:53):
So lifestyle?
You want to assess herlifestyle and right off the bat,
you can immediately assess okay, this person is going to be
compatible for you or not.
Because to pull somebody awayfrom that and for them to accept
something that's less than whatshe is used to, to put it
loosely, is a bit unrealistic,right?
(25:15):
Is that a fair point?
Speaker 2 (25:16):
uh.
Well, what if she is used tothis lifestyle but she's willing
to change?
She has no problem changing.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Oh, come on does that really happen?
Speaker 2 (25:25):
I, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
It depends on the person she's used to driving a
mercedes-benz and having like anentire floor to herself in in
her daddy's house and uh, andbuys new shoes every weekend,
wears a brand name bag and stuffand then all of a sudden, her
husband can't do these thingsfor her in that case, she should
be the breadwinner if she canafford this lifestyle she can
(25:48):
afford it because she lives athome
Speaker 2 (25:49):
okay, right, and maybe daddy provides for us some
of that that's actuallysomething we see a lot on girls
forums that I've never had toworry about debt.
It's the guy's responsibilities.
I've always had a job, so theguy should as well.
And and girls live with theirparents.
But wait a second, guys livewith their parents as well until
(26:11):
they get married, most guysright no, not really.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
You've seen a lot of guys like the one guy we were
just recently trying to match.
He's been living on his own fora while right, right, right,
okay.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
Um well, I personally think that the way to go about
this conversation would be,first of all, going back to the
rules of asking questions, don'task.
Yes, no questions, don't ask.
Oh.
Are you expecting, uh,expecting me to spend 100% on
the family?
Speaker 1 (26:40):
Are you expecting me?
Speaker 2 (26:41):
to be the only breadwinner, exactly, don't do
that, just generally you can ask.
So what are your expectationsin terms of finances for the
future?
What kind of lifestyle are youlooking to have?
Speaker 1 (26:56):
How do you envision a work balance, work, family
balance, right um also like areyou is buying a house important
to you, or are you okay livingin one, one or two bedroom
apartment for, like I don't know, 10, 15 years, or until you
have your first kid?
Speaker 2 (27:15):
um, these questions are important there are a lot of
ways to ask, but the mostimportant thing is don't shy
away from this conversationbecause you want to know the
sooner the better, but, like yousaid, not in the first or two
meetings.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
I would say not in the first one or two meetings.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
And actually in our compatibility challenge book we
have a lot of questions aboutfinances which can break this
awkwardness about this topic.
If you're looking for ways totalk about this topic, then we
encourage you to check our bookout.
It's available on our websiteAlso.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
you know if we have seen girls who have expressed a
desire to be, to take on atraditional role.
So what are her financialexpectations?
If she's going to be doing that, is she still looking to have
her cake and eat it too, andthat could be a major red flag
or is she okay with living asimpler lifestyle, given that
(28:11):
she's not going to be working orcontributing?
And so you want to assess thesevery nuanced things in your
conversations.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
And same thing goes for the girls as well.
I mean, you also should ask theguy questions to just learn
about his spending habits.
Is he the kind of guy to go onI don't know shopping sprees and
buy like expensive sneakers andchange a car every other year
(28:43):
or so?
Or is he more the responsibletype?
Um, does he have debt?
Or also, does she have debtright?
This is something veryimportant to uh be aware of
before you say I do uh anystudent loans.
So, yeah, all these topicsabout finances are very
important to cover and, at theend of the day, it's a tawfiq
(29:06):
from Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala.
But you just do your part andleave the rest to Him.
At the end of the day, you'reboth on the same team, you're
both working towards the samegoals and you're there to help
each other.
Speaker 1 (29:18):
Exactly so.
If you are looking for a matchand you've come across some
crazy questions or requestsregarding finances, or somebody
has said that they're expecting50-50, or a girl has said to a
guy listening that she is notgoing to contribute at all
because she expects to be takencare of whatever it might be, we
(29:41):
would love to hear about it,because this podcast can only
grow from your feedback.
So the more we hear from youguys, the more we can give back
to you guys.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (29:51):
So yeah, please email us at info at halalmashca, or
just feel free to leave acomment then.
Speaker 2 (29:58):
Yeah, we'll see you next time.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
All right, assalamu alaikum.
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