February 14, 2025 • 19 mins
If you’ve ever downloaded a Muslim 'dating' app full of hope, only to find yourself drowning in awkward chats, ghosting, and people who don’t seem to know why they’re there… we get it. It’s exhausting.
In this episode, we’re talking about the real struggles of apps; the disappointments, the confusion, and the moments that make you want to delete them forever. We’re also sharing tips on how to navigate them in a way that actually moves you forward. Because if you’re going to put yourself out there, you deserve to do it in a way that protects your mind, your heart, and your intentions. Tune in and bismillah.
Got a dilemma or story? The Single Muslim Hotline is here for you! We’ll play your anonymous messages in future episodes and offer real talk. Drop us a voice note 👇🏻
https://www.speakpipe.com/DiaryOfAMatchmaker
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
And I'm Zaid, you're listeningto Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
So let's dive in.
Bismillah, assalamu alaikumeveryone.
Welcome to another episode.
My name is Zaid and on theother mic is my wife and co-host
Hiba.
Assalamu alaikum, my name isZaid and on the other mic is my
wife and co-host Hiba.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Assalamu alaikum.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
So if you are trying to get married and you're early
on in your journey or maybe evenlater on, chances are you
probably have one of two apps onyour phone, either Salams or
Muzmach.
These are pretty much the twopredominant apps out there for
(00:45):
Muslim quote-unquote dating.
Now I've I admit I have usedthe apps at some point back when
I was searching.
I didn't know what was the bestservice out there.
But I do have differentfeelings now as a professional
matchmaker and seeing thingsfrom a different lens.
So, inshallah, in this episodewe're going to try to be as
(01:13):
objective as possible, despitethe reservations and things and
feelings that we have towardsapps, but I do want to throw a
few things at you.
Number one the way apps aredesigned, specifically Muzmach
and Salams Salams used to becalled Minder at one point, by
the way and the way they'redesigned is that you see a
profile, you see a picture.
(01:34):
I mean, the picture pretty muchtakes majority of the screen
and at least on Salams you cansee their profile, so you can
see a little bit moreinformation about them and,
based on that, you either swipeleft or you swipe right, right,
and if you swipe right and theother person swipes right, then
hey, there's mutual attractionand interest, and then you can
move forward and startcommunicating.
(01:56):
Now, objectively speaking, thissounds great right I mean, of
course, you want to have somesort of physical attraction to
the person before you startspeaking to them, otherwise
you're just wasting your time.
So what's wrong with that kindof approach?
Now, the answer to that is acouple of things.
These apps are free, so whenyou have?
(02:19):
You were just about to saysomething.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
I was just going to say I love free.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
Yes, who doesn't love free?
Everybody loves free, andthat's why there's so many
people on these platformsbecause it is free.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
I think we read today that Muzmach has what?
3 million, 6 million usersworldwide.
Yeah, something like that.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
I'm not surprised.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
I think, yeah, muzmach is 6 million.
I was on the app, not surprised.
I think, yeah, muzmach is sixmillions, I was on the app.
So in preparation for thisepisode, we actually created
accounts, created profiles andwe went on the apps just to see
what's out there.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Yeah, and the funny thing is that we were able to
create accounts using randompictures.
We used our cat's face.
I used my cat's face to verifythe account yeah, um, so that
says a lot about the credibilityof the platform no, no, but in
all honesty it didn't, it wasn'tverified, it didn't work.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
Oh, it didn't work.
Yeah, okay, so I take that backokay regardless.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
So number one when, if you're signing up for
something as serious as marriage, uh, on a platform that's free,
you're going to get poorquality results like your mom
says, you're gonna meet everytom dick and harry there exactly
so I mean, the way these appsmake their money is that they
(03:42):
upsell you on more swipes, moresuper likes, so if somebody
doesn't like you you can superlike them.
So it kind of forces aconnection in a way.
And there's other ways thatthey upsell you and make like
tons and tons of money.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Different types of upgrades and, of course, the ads
.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
Yeah, and, needless to to say, these apps are
designed to be addictive.
I mean, you're going to beswiping, right?
I mean even if you might noteven see the person.
I've seen cases where personsaren't even looking at the
screen, they're just movingtheir thumb, just hoping and
praying, like when I was intheater school, a lot of my
friends and classmates they wereall on tinder and it was just a
big joke.
They would just keep swipingright, swiping right, with the
(04:25):
hopes that somebody would matchwith them and then they would
take it from there.
So if you have apps that are,objectively speaking, modeling
tinder, then what does that sayabout the apps, right?
Is it the question to be askingyourself is it designed for
marriage or is it designed fordating?
Speaker 1 (04:45):
we hear it from our clients all the time, especially
when they come on board in thebeginning in the discovery call.
So we ask them how has yourjourney been so far?
What have you tried?
Out of each 10 calls we get,nine times we hear I was on the
apps, I was traumatized, I amI'm sick of the.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
I'm sick of the abs.
I need something better I needa break.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
I was catfished, I was ghosted, ghosted, left on
read harassed um what is scammedum, I mean you were just
reading cases today about likedisgusting fetishes and yeah and
people, people asking like veryinappropriate things from the
first conversation yeah, uh,yeah, people losing money, so
(05:35):
maybe that's not like the thefault of the apps themselves,
that's the people who are usingthem yes, but like you said,
it's the design itself, but alsoI fully.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
I do believe that the apps, like the people who are
running it in the background, dohave responsibility to filter
out these people of course, yeah, somehow some way.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Yeah, so we were reading that a lot of the
accounts are fake, a lot of theaccounts are inactive.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
A lot of people have guys that are just looking for a
second wife or looking for ahookup yeah, exactly yeah.
So, like I said before, ifyou're going to use something
that's free, you're going to getpoor quality results.
The amount of time it takes tocreate like, how quick did you
create your account?
oh, just barely a few minutesyeah for me, I think I created
(06:23):
in like five minutes somethinglike that so if you're on a
platform where it takes justbarely five minutes to create an
account and in fact on salams,a lot of the sections are
pre-filled so you can just sayoh, I'm a foodie or I am um,
(06:43):
there was one line that saysyeah about fudger.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Like yeah, my fudger alarm is britney spears or
something.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Yeah right like weird stuff like that so if you are
able to create an account forsomething as serious as marriage
within just a few minutes,that's some.
That is a bit reflective of thetype of service that it is um
like, for example, with hod Iremember baba ali saying this it
(07:10):
you have to jump through a lotof hoops before creating your
account yeah right, because hewants to make sure that people
that are signing up on thatwebsite aren't just shopping
yeah people are serious soyou're going to go through I
believe he said like over 100questions, personality tests,
all sorts of things, because bythe time you create your account
(07:30):
you can see other profiles.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
You've done so much work and you know that this
person most likely is seriousand they're not just there to
shop around, right, right,actually, actually, I have here
a screenshot I took today fromuh when I was creating my
account on muzmach.
So they have 13 that's what itsays at least 13 million members
(07:52):
on muzmach, 500 000 thousandsuccess stories.
You're just one match away,heart wow.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
Now there is one caveat here, which is people do
a minority of people do findsuccess on yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
Yeah, we heard some some people like we've seen this
in person.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
We've like talked to people face to face and they've
said, oh, I found my significantother on the app.
Um, there are success storiesthat we found on Instagram and
of course, I can't verify thosestories, but we can give them
benefit of the doubt that theydid find their other half on
these apps.
But from what we're seeing,both as professional matchmakers
(08:36):
taking on clients from doingevents, the vast majority of
people are just not having anyluck.
They're frustrated.
They're seeing awful, awfulthings on apps.
There's been cases of abuse,harassment, just like you were
saying before.
And so these are things to bemindful of.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
We're not making these things up, these are facts
hey, if you have a story totell, we'd love to have you on
here.
You'll find a safe space oflisteners who can understand
what you're going through.
Just shoot us an email with asummary of your story at info at
halal matchca.
So, if you remember, you askedme this morning um, actually an
(09:16):
intriguing question, like what'swrong with establishing
physical attraction first beforedeciding to invest time in
getting to know the person andexchange messages, right?
Speaker 2 (09:27):
Right.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Yeah, which is actually a very fair question.
I mean, the Prophet peace beupon him did encourage us to see
the other person, to see ifthere's basic physical
attraction before moving forward, and that's a fair point.
My response to you was thatattraction is much more than
just a picture.
(09:48):
There are so many elements toattraction.
It starts with a picture thetone of the person, how they
speak, how they carry themselves, their smile, how they express
themselves all of this, the waythey look, right, all of this
builds physical attraction.
(10:08):
And to base your judgment basedon a picture, that is a little
bit superficial because for tworeasons, some people are not
photogenic at all.
They look gorgeous in person,but pictures don't do them,
don't do them justice, and youmight be rejecting somebody
based on an unfair picture.
(10:29):
That's number one.
On the other hand, is a lot ofpeople use filters and their
picture has nothing to do withhow they really look with the
tons of makeup and the filtersand all of that Same thing.
You don't want to make themistake.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
Right.
So when we take on clients, oractually when we introduce a
match to a client, we're verycareful to introduce things from
their form.
So we start sharing what theirvalues are, what their
expectations are, how they, howthey envision life post-marriage
.
So this forms an image in theirhead and they've seen, they've
(11:10):
gotten to know the person fromthe inside.
First.
Then we share an videointroduction.
You hear them talking, movingtheir, and then the last thing
they see is the picture.
So it's kind of an inside outapproach yes, absolutely.
And we're intentional about that.
But the thing I want to pointout about the apps is that I
(11:32):
feel the flow of Muslims goingto the apps is a result of the
failure of masjids, and I reallywant to highlight this because
we have talked about this inprevious episodes and I could
talk about this till the suncomes up it's dark now, but,
(11:54):
yeah, I could talk about thisfor days that when you close the
doors to haram and I say this alot when you close the doors to
halal, the doors to haram and Isay this a lot when you close
the doors to halal, the doors toharam become enticing.
Now I'm not going to startpassing a fatwa saying, oh, the
apps are haram.
The apps are haram, but theyare platforms that are modeling
a dating service.
The point is when, as a muslimin a muslim community, you have
(12:17):
limited options to begin withand the masjid is not providing
options for you and they're justdoing the random speed dating
events once a month, or they'rekind of just I don't know
delegating it to the matchmakingauntie, the rishda auntie, down
the street, and they're notinvesting the time in taking
this seriously, then you'regoing to resort to the apps.
(12:39):
Naturally, your desires aren'tjust going to vanish.
They're going to resort to theapps.
Naturally, your desires aren'tjust going to vanish.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
They're going to get re-channeled in other directions
and on top of that, thesegregation problem we have in
the masjids in the Islamiccenters, all of that.
So, at the end of the day,honestly, apps are a means.
They're just a means.
You can use them the right way.
You can use them the right way,you can use them the wrong way
and, like we said, we're notokay.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
Is there a right way to use the apps?
Speaker 1 (13:05):
it might have come off that we are bashing apps.
I don't know because, wementioned the negative sides
okay, let's talk about.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Let's talk about the positive sides.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
You have unlimited options.
Speaker 2 (13:17):
The ability to filter based on location and other
things, so you're not justfinding a person in some random
village in Syria or India orsomething like that.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
But how can you know that who you're talking to, if
they are a real person or not?
Speaker 2 (13:34):
I would say be cautious of using the apps.
I don't rely solely on appsbecause, at the end of the day,
it's a free service, and whenyou have a free service like
even, for example, matrimonialwebsites that are free, that are
essentially just publicdirectories of people all over
the world, I remember I was onone of these websites.
(13:56):
I'm not going to say the nameof the website, but I was on one
of these websites.
I'm not going to say the nameof the website, but I was on one
of these websites and I wasgetting random messages from
like girls in some small, remotevillage in india who could
barely speak english and Icouldn't, and I wasn't sure if
this was a real person or not.
And it was.
It was such a waste of timewell, what about shadicom?
Speaker 1 (14:15):
I hear I used to hear it before, I don't hear it now.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
It's still running.
That website is a publicdirectory.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Okay, so if you are going to use apps, how to use
them the right way?
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Be intentional.
Have clear goals andcommunicate them early.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
It's important to have a clear intention.
My intention here is to findmarriage and not just to keep
swiping and feeding thataddiction.
Also, these apps have somethingin common with social media,
which is their tendency to boostyour self-worth and
self-validation.
You could get addicted to thefeeling of having so many people
(14:55):
interested in you, so manypeople swiping right on your
profile and just filling youwith this good feeling.
So that's why we say always goback to your intention and
purifying your intention.
Know why you are there.
You're not there to get swipesand get likes and have so many
people interested in you.
(15:15):
You're there to find just oneperson.
That's who you're looking for,one person who will be a good
spouse for you, inshallah.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Inshallah, use video calls before getting too
invested.
Verify early.
This is important because ifyou are speaking to somebody
over the apps and all you haveto go off of are just one or two
pictures in their profile, youwill get invested because you
will start forming a veryromanticized image in your mind
(15:45):
of this person, because theycould be sweet talking, they
could be saying everything thatyou want to hear via text, and
then you jump on a video calltwo, three months later and they
look like what's?
What is Dr Jekyll and Mr HydeLike?
They look like a completelydifferent person.
So make the decision to usevideo calls earlier on.
(16:06):
I remember when we were talking, I think we jumped on a Skype
video call, I think within thefirst week.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right Within the first few days,
I think.
The third day, the third day,yeah, something like that yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
So yeah, we were pretty serious and we verified
very quickly.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
What would you say is another important step Set
boundaries, Just like we said.
This process could be veryaddictive because there are
endless numbers.
Like I said, Muzmach claimsthey have 13 million members, so
you could be spending yearsjust going through the profiles.
Don't let the process consumeyour time or self-worth.
(16:47):
One more thing would be to askdirect questions.
Don't waste time with justsmall talk.
Endless chatting.
Establish compatibility early.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
We have an entire episode dedicated towards asking
the right questions, sodefinitely check that out.
How to phrase the rightquestions, what questions to ask
?
Definitely check out thatepisode.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
So, instead of like spending I don't know hours
talking about your favorite TVshows which there's nothing
wrong with that, but because wedid that for a little bit.
We did that, but afterestablishing common values.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
Of course, yeah, Of course.
Protect yourself.
There have been so many casesof abuse and harassment.
You know, if they start askingvery intimate questions within
the first few days, that's ahuge red flag.
You know, refusal to do a videocall, money requests obviously
(17:45):
inconsistencies in behavior.
If they're just respondingevery four or five days, that's
a red flag too.
It doesn't give the indicationthat they're serious.
So look out for these things.
Meet in a public setting.
Preferably bring a friend, yourwali, if possible.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
Just try to protect yourself.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
Protect yourself yeah .
Speaker 1 (18:14):
You are diving into dangerous territory.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
Yeah and also yeah, just make sure somebody is aware
that you are meeting somebodyfor the first time for the
purpose of marriage.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Yeah, involve a third party not just in the meetings,
but also in the decision making.
You could get emotionallyattached without even realizing.
And always let your core valuesguide your decisions, of course
with the dua and the help ofAllah.
Let your core values guide yourdecisions, of course with the
dua and the help of allah.
Let your core values guide yourdecisions in assessing
(18:44):
compatibility, deciding if thisperson is right for me or not.
Put your try to put youremotions aside, especially in
the beginning stages, andinshallah, allah will bring
barakah in your search so, yeah,keep these things in mind when
you're on the platforms.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
Uh, specifically the dating apps, um, it's just like
I said, it's just another meansthere's so many different.
Well, there are options outthere.
I wouldn't say there's so manyoptions, but there are options
out there.
Um, but, take the time to vetthose options, assess whether or
not they are worth theinvestment of your time as well
(19:25):
as your money.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
And your emotions.
Speaker 2 (19:26):
And your emotions.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
And your sanity, and your sanity.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
And choose wisely.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
Inshallah All right, until next time.
Assalamu alaikum.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
If you're overwhelmed and burdened and just don't
know where to seek help, let ushelp you.
We can be your personalmatchmakers.
Visit us at halalmatchca andbook a free call with us.
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
And I'm Zaid, you're listeningto Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
So let's dive in.
Bismillah, assalamu alaikumeveryone.
Welcome to another episode.
My name is Zaid and on theother mic is my wife and co-host
Hiba.
Assalamu alaikum, my name isZaid and on the other mic is my
wife and co-host Hiba.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Assalamu alaikum.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
So if you are trying to get married and you're early
on in your journey or maybe evenlater on, chances are you
probably have one of two apps onyour phone, either Salams or
Muzmach.
These are pretty much the twopredominant apps out there for
(00:45):
Muslim quote-unquote dating.
Now I've I admit I have usedthe apps at some point back when
I was searching.
I didn't know what was the bestservice out there.
But I do have differentfeelings now as a professional
matchmaker and seeing thingsfrom a different lens.
So, inshallah, in this episodewe're going to try to be as
(01:13):
objective as possible, despitethe reservations and things and
feelings that we have towardsapps, but I do want to throw a
few things at you.
Number one the way apps aredesigned, specifically Muzmach
and Salams Salams used to becalled Minder at one point, by
the way and the way they'redesigned is that you see a
profile, you see a picture.
(01:34):
I mean, the picture pretty muchtakes majority of the screen
and at least on Salams you cansee their profile, so you can
see a little bit moreinformation about them and,
based on that, you either swipeleft or you swipe right, right,
and if you swipe right and theother person swipes right, then
hey, there's mutual attractionand interest, and then you can
move forward and startcommunicating.
(01:56):
Now, objectively speaking, thissounds great right I mean, of
course, you want to have somesort of physical attraction to
the person before you startspeaking to them, otherwise
you're just wasting your time.
So what's wrong with that kindof approach?
Now, the answer to that is acouple of things.
These apps are free, so whenyou have?
(02:19):
You were just about to saysomething.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
I was just going to say I love free.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
Yes, who doesn't love free?
Everybody loves free, andthat's why there's so many
people on these platformsbecause it is free.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
I think we read today that Muzmach has what?
3 million, 6 million usersworldwide.
Yeah, something like that.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
I'm not surprised.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
I think, yeah, muzmach is 6 million.
I was on the app, not surprised.
I think, yeah, muzmach is sixmillions, I was on the app.
So in preparation for thisepisode, we actually created
accounts, created profiles andwe went on the apps just to see
what's out there.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Yeah, and the funny thing is that we were able to
create accounts using randompictures.
We used our cat's face.
I used my cat's face to verifythe account yeah, um, so that
says a lot about the credibilityof the platform no, no, but in
all honesty it didn't, it wasn'tverified, it didn't work.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
Oh, it didn't work.
Yeah, okay, so I take that backokay regardless.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
So number one when, if you're signing up for
something as serious as marriage, uh, on a platform that's free,
you're going to get poorquality results like your mom
says, you're gonna meet everytom dick and harry there exactly
so I mean, the way these appsmake their money is that they
(03:42):
upsell you on more swipes, moresuper likes, so if somebody
doesn't like you you can superlike them.
So it kind of forces aconnection in a way.
And there's other ways thatthey upsell you and make like
tons and tons of money.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Different types of upgrades and, of course, the ads
.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
Yeah, and, needless to to say, these apps are
designed to be addictive.
I mean, you're going to beswiping, right?
I mean even if you might noteven see the person.
I've seen cases where personsaren't even looking at the
screen, they're just movingtheir thumb, just hoping and
praying, like when I was intheater school, a lot of my
friends and classmates they wereall on tinder and it was just a
big joke.
They would just keep swipingright, swiping right, with the
(04:25):
hopes that somebody would matchwith them and then they would
take it from there.
So if you have apps that are,objectively speaking, modeling
tinder, then what does that sayabout the apps, right?
Is it the question to be askingyourself is it designed for
marriage or is it designed fordating?
Speaker 1 (04:45):
we hear it from our clients all the time, especially
when they come on board in thebeginning in the discovery call.
So we ask them how has yourjourney been so far?
What have you tried?
Out of each 10 calls we get,nine times we hear I was on the
apps, I was traumatized, I amI'm sick of the.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
I'm sick of the abs.
I need something better I needa break.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
I was catfished, I was ghosted, ghosted, left on
read harassed um what is scammedum, I mean you were just
reading cases today about likedisgusting fetishes and yeah and
people, people asking like veryinappropriate things from the
first conversation yeah, uh,yeah, people losing money, so
(05:35):
maybe that's not like the thefault of the apps themselves,
that's the people who are usingthem yes, but like you said,
it's the design itself, but alsoI fully.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
I do believe that the apps, like the people who are
running it in the background, dohave responsibility to filter
out these people of course, yeah, somehow some way.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Yeah, so we were reading that a lot of the
accounts are fake, a lot of theaccounts are inactive.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
A lot of people have guys that are just looking for a
second wife or looking for ahookup yeah, exactly yeah.
So, like I said before, ifyou're going to use something
that's free, you're going to getpoor quality results.
The amount of time it takes tocreate like, how quick did you
create your account?
oh, just barely a few minutesyeah for me, I think I created
(06:23):
in like five minutes somethinglike that so if you're on a
platform where it takes justbarely five minutes to create an
account and in fact on salams,a lot of the sections are
pre-filled so you can just sayoh, I'm a foodie or I am um,
(06:43):
there was one line that saysyeah about fudger.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Like yeah, my fudger alarm is britney spears or
something.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Yeah right like weird stuff like that so if you are
able to create an account forsomething as serious as marriage
within just a few minutes,that's some.
That is a bit reflective of thetype of service that it is um
like, for example, with hod Iremember baba ali saying this it
(07:10):
you have to jump through a lotof hoops before creating your
account yeah right, because hewants to make sure that people
that are signing up on thatwebsite aren't just shopping
yeah people are serious soyou're going to go through I
believe he said like over 100questions, personality tests,
all sorts of things, because bythe time you create your account
(07:30):
you can see other profiles.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
You've done so much work and you know that this
person most likely is seriousand they're not just there to
shop around, right, right,actually, actually, I have here
a screenshot I took today fromuh when I was creating my
account on muzmach.
So they have 13 that's what itsays at least 13 million members
(07:52):
on muzmach, 500 000 thousandsuccess stories.
You're just one match away,heart wow.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
Now there is one caveat here, which is people do
a minority of people do findsuccess on yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
Yeah, we heard some some people like we've seen this
in person.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
We've like talked to people face to face and they've
said, oh, I found my significantother on the app.
Um, there are success storiesthat we found on Instagram and
of course, I can't verify thosestories, but we can give them
benefit of the doubt that theydid find their other half on
these apps.
But from what we're seeing,both as professional matchmakers
(08:36):
taking on clients from doingevents, the vast majority of
people are just not having anyluck.
They're frustrated.
They're seeing awful, awfulthings on apps.
There's been cases of abuse,harassment, just like you were
saying before.
And so these are things to bemindful of.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
We're not making these things up, these are facts
hey, if you have a story totell, we'd love to have you on
here.
You'll find a safe space oflisteners who can understand
what you're going through.
Just shoot us an email with asummary of your story at info at
halal matchca.
So, if you remember, you askedme this morning um, actually an
(09:16):
intriguing question, like what'swrong with establishing
physical attraction first beforedeciding to invest time in
getting to know the person andexchange messages, right?
Speaker 2 (09:27):
Right.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Yeah, which is actually a very fair question.
I mean, the Prophet peace beupon him did encourage us to see
the other person, to see ifthere's basic physical
attraction before moving forward, and that's a fair point.
My response to you was thatattraction is much more than
just a picture.
(09:48):
There are so many elements toattraction.
It starts with a picture thetone of the person, how they
speak, how they carry themselves, their smile, how they express
themselves all of this, the waythey look, right, all of this
builds physical attraction.
(10:08):
And to base your judgment basedon a picture, that is a little
bit superficial because for tworeasons, some people are not
photogenic at all.
They look gorgeous in person,but pictures don't do them,
don't do them justice, and youmight be rejecting somebody
based on an unfair picture.
(10:29):
That's number one.
On the other hand, is a lot ofpeople use filters and their
picture has nothing to do withhow they really look with the
tons of makeup and the filtersand all of that Same thing.
You don't want to make themistake.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
Right.
So when we take on clients, oractually when we introduce a
match to a client, we're verycareful to introduce things from
their form.
So we start sharing what theirvalues are, what their
expectations are, how they, howthey envision life post-marriage
.
So this forms an image in theirhead and they've seen, they've
(11:10):
gotten to know the person fromthe inside.
First.
Then we share an videointroduction.
You hear them talking, movingtheir, and then the last thing
they see is the picture.
So it's kind of an inside outapproach yes, absolutely.
And we're intentional about that.
But the thing I want to pointout about the apps is that I
(11:32):
feel the flow of Muslims goingto the apps is a result of the
failure of masjids, and I reallywant to highlight this because
we have talked about this inprevious episodes and I could
talk about this till the suncomes up it's dark now, but,
(11:54):
yeah, I could talk about thisfor days that when you close the
doors to haram and I say this alot when you close the doors to
halal, the doors to haram and Isay this a lot when you close
the doors to halal, the doors toharam become enticing.
Now I'm not going to startpassing a fatwa saying, oh, the
apps are haram.
The apps are haram, but theyare platforms that are modeling
a dating service.
The point is when, as a muslimin a muslim community, you have
(12:17):
limited options to begin withand the masjid is not providing
options for you and they're justdoing the random speed dating
events once a month, or they'rekind of just I don't know
delegating it to the matchmakingauntie, the rishda auntie, down
the street, and they're notinvesting the time in taking
this seriously, then you'regoing to resort to the apps.
(12:39):
Naturally, your desires aren'tjust going to vanish.
They're going to resort to theapps.
Naturally, your desires aren'tjust going to vanish.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
They're going to get re-channeled in other directions
and on top of that, thesegregation problem we have in
the masjids in the Islamiccenters, all of that.
So, at the end of the day,honestly, apps are a means.
They're just a means.
You can use them the right way.
You can use them the right way,you can use them the wrong way
and, like we said, we're notokay.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
Is there a right way to use the apps?
Speaker 1 (13:05):
it might have come off that we are bashing apps.
I don't know because, wementioned the negative sides
okay, let's talk about.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Let's talk about the positive sides.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
You have unlimited options.
Speaker 2 (13:17):
The ability to filter based on location and other
things, so you're not justfinding a person in some random
village in Syria or India orsomething like that.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
But how can you know that who you're talking to, if
they are a real person or not?
Speaker 2 (13:34):
I would say be cautious of using the apps.
I don't rely solely on appsbecause, at the end of the day,
it's a free service, and whenyou have a free service like
even, for example, matrimonialwebsites that are free, that are
essentially just publicdirectories of people all over
the world, I remember I was onone of these websites.
(13:56):
I'm not going to say the nameof the website, but I was on one
of these websites.
I'm not going to say the nameof the website, but I was on one
of these websites and I wasgetting random messages from
like girls in some small, remotevillage in india who could
barely speak english and Icouldn't, and I wasn't sure if
this was a real person or not.
And it was.
It was such a waste of timewell, what about shadicom?
Speaker 1 (14:15):
I hear I used to hear it before, I don't hear it now.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
It's still running.
That website is a publicdirectory.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Okay, so if you are going to use apps, how to use
them the right way?
Speaker 2 (14:29):
Be intentional.
Have clear goals andcommunicate them early.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
It's important to have a clear intention.
My intention here is to findmarriage and not just to keep
swiping and feeding thataddiction.
Also, these apps have somethingin common with social media,
which is their tendency to boostyour self-worth and
self-validation.
You could get addicted to thefeeling of having so many people
(14:55):
interested in you, so manypeople swiping right on your
profile and just filling youwith this good feeling.
So that's why we say always goback to your intention and
purifying your intention.
Know why you are there.
You're not there to get swipesand get likes and have so many
people interested in you.
(15:15):
You're there to find just oneperson.
That's who you're looking for,one person who will be a good
spouse for you, inshallah.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Inshallah, use video calls before getting too
invested.
Verify early.
This is important because ifyou are speaking to somebody
over the apps and all you haveto go off of are just one or two
pictures in their profile, youwill get invested because you
will start forming a veryromanticized image in your mind
(15:45):
of this person, because theycould be sweet talking, they
could be saying everything thatyou want to hear via text, and
then you jump on a video calltwo, three months later and they
look like what's?
What is Dr Jekyll and Mr HydeLike?
They look like a completelydifferent person.
So make the decision to usevideo calls earlier on.
(16:06):
I remember when we were talking, I think we jumped on a Skype
video call, I think within thefirst week.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right Within the first few days,
I think.
The third day, the third day,yeah, something like that yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
So yeah, we were pretty serious and we verified
very quickly.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
What would you say is another important step Set
boundaries, Just like we said.
This process could be veryaddictive because there are
endless numbers.
Like I said, Muzmach claimsthey have 13 million members, so
you could be spending yearsjust going through the profiles.
Don't let the process consumeyour time or self-worth.
(16:47):
One more thing would be to askdirect questions.
Don't waste time with justsmall talk.
Endless chatting.
Establish compatibility early.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
We have an entire episode dedicated towards asking
the right questions, sodefinitely check that out.
How to phrase the rightquestions, what questions to ask
?
Definitely check out thatepisode.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
So, instead of like spending I don't know hours
talking about your favorite TVshows which there's nothing
wrong with that, but because wedid that for a little bit.
We did that, but afterestablishing common values.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
Of course, yeah, Of course.
Protect yourself.
There have been so many casesof abuse and harassment.
You know, if they start askingvery intimate questions within
the first few days, that's ahuge red flag.
You know, refusal to do a videocall, money requests obviously
(17:45):
inconsistencies in behavior.
If they're just respondingevery four or five days, that's
a red flag too.
It doesn't give the indicationthat they're serious.
So look out for these things.
Meet in a public setting.
Preferably bring a friend, yourwali, if possible.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
Just try to protect yourself.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
Protect yourself yeah .
Speaker 1 (18:14):
You are diving into dangerous territory.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
Yeah and also yeah, just make sure somebody is aware
that you are meeting somebodyfor the first time for the
purpose of marriage.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Yeah, involve a third party not just in the meetings,
but also in the decision making.
You could get emotionallyattached without even realizing.
And always let your core valuesguide your decisions, of course
with the dua and the help ofAllah.
Let your core values guide yourdecisions, of course with the
dua and the help of allah.
Let your core values guide yourdecisions in assessing
(18:44):
compatibility, deciding if thisperson is right for me or not.
Put your try to put youremotions aside, especially in
the beginning stages, andinshallah, allah will bring
barakah in your search so, yeah,keep these things in mind when
you're on the platforms.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
Uh, specifically the dating apps, um, it's just like
I said, it's just another meansthere's so many different.
Well, there are options outthere.
I wouldn't say there's so manyoptions, but there are options
out there.
Um, but, take the time to vetthose options, assess whether or
not they are worth theinvestment of your time as well
(19:25):
as your money.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
And your emotions.
Speaker 2 (19:26):
And your emotions.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
And your sanity, and your sanity.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
And choose wisely.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
Inshallah All right, until next time.
Assalamu alaikum.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
If you're overwhelmed and burdened and just don't
know where to seek help, let ushelp you.
We can be your personalmatchmakers.
Visit us at halalmatchca andbook a free call with us.
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