July 11, 2025 • 33 mins
Most single people are laser-focused on spotting red flags, but what if that mindset is holding you back? In this episode we flip the script and talk about green flags that often go unnoticed but are key to a successful marriage. From apologizing without a "but" to the ability to disagree without drama, we share nine underrated traits that matter way more than height or income. If you are tired of matching and mismatching for all the wrong reasons, this one is for you. It might just change how you see the search for love.
Got a dilemma or story? The Single Muslim Hotline is here for you! We’ll play your anonymous messages in future episodes and offer real talk. Drop us a voice note 👇🏻
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
And I'm Zaid, you're listeningto Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
So let's dive in.
Bismillah.
Assalamu alaikum everyone.
Welcome to another episode.
My name is Zaid and on theother mic is my wife and co-host
Hiba.
That would be me.
Assalamu alaikum everyone.
Welcome to another episode.
My name is Zaid and on theother mic is my wife and co-host
, hiba.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
That would be me.
Assalamu alaikum.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
Question for you.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Answer for you.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
So when we were courting, did you come in with a
red flag mindset or a greenflag mindset?
To be honest, be honest.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
Yes, neither.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
So you had no mindset ?
Speaker 1 (00:45):
No, I didn't have any expectations in terms of he has
to meet this and this and this,or if I see this, then I'm just
.
This is meant to be.
I just wanted to see how thingswent.
Honestly you're just going withthe flow going with the flow
okay I don't know if that's agood or a bad thing okay,
nonetheless, that was yourprocess.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
So you saw my profile .
You saw something that made youmessage me.
What were the green flags thatstood out?
Speaker 1 (01:14):
the art, the art part , the fact that you love art and
you're involved in the theater.
So usually people who areartistic have a more calm
demeanor and they're more likeyou wouldn't expect them to be
edgy okay which turned out notto be true, but I'm edgy uh, no
(01:37):
comment.
Okay, and number two, what?
I can't remember what was onyour profile, honestly, but I
like the picture as well.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
Okay, I feel like that's something a guy would say
instead of a girl.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Well, we also like beauty.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Plus, you had hair back then.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
Okay, thank you.
So green flags so needless tosay, green flags to you would be
something that you foundattractive.
That would serve as maybecomplimentary or as a foundation
for future marriage for youright, yeah.
Okay, Now would you say, basedon personal and professional
(02:17):
experience, that you feel manypeople come in with a red flag
mindset or a green flag mindset.
Definitely a red flag,definitely, definitely red flag
mindset or a green flag mindset,definitely red flag and
definitely and that'sinteresting, you point that out
because I remember somethingthat hafsa mentioned, which was
somebody we just interviewedabout a week ago um, which is
that girls and sometimes guystoo, but I think girls more so
(02:38):
come in with a solid plan b,like it is rock solid yeah, it's
stronger than their plan a, sobecause they're just banking on
the fact that it's not going towork out yeah, just like we said
before, people are coming witha default, no mindset right,
right, right.
We dedicated an episode to thatI think so.
Why so?
(02:59):
Coming back to green flags, whydo green flags matter?
And, and to add to thatquestion, do you think, if we
focus too much on green flags,that we're setting the bar too
low?
Speaker 1 (03:13):
um, maybe, maybe, but maybe it should be a mix of
both, focusing on both red andgreen.
But I feel people aren'tfocusing on green at all.
They're not even looking forgreen flags.
They are just looking.
If I find this and this andthis, then I'm just running away
and that's it.
But what if you're findingthings green flags that would
(03:36):
indicate that this is a marriagematerial person.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
And I feel like that's the case with a lot of
people Like just the most recentmatch that we had, that didn't
work out.
There was so many green flags,there was so many reasons why
these two people were compatible.
And it was just.
I don't know even if you wouldconsider those deal breakers or
red flags, but the deal breakersor red flags, whatever term you
(04:03):
want to use just one or two ofthem was enough for the guy to
end it.
Right yeah.
And I just feel like green flagsdon't get enough value or as
much as they should.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Yeah, it's like someone who's focusing on the
half empty instead of half full,exactly.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
And there's no room for tolerance.
These days, you feel, yeah,like it's a mix of like
searching for perfection and amix of maybe someone being too
confident of themselves or thenetflix mindset right well yeah
right, just a quick fix.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
I have to check all my boxes.
So the thing with green flagsis that they're subtle.
Obviously they don't come withflashy signs.
They don't say here is a greenflag, and it's like blaring in
the middle of the night, butthey show you who someone really
is deep down in their core.
So let's talk out a fewexamples.
(05:01):
One that comes to mind is thatthey call out their own flaws
before you do.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
And.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
I feel like girls find that one very attractive.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Yes, yes, it's very manly and, yeah, it's lacking in
a lot of cultures,unfortunately.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
Yeah, so there's a question to follow up with that.
Would you trust someone more ifthey said I can be stubborn,
but I'm working on it?
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Yes, yeah, because they Because they're being
honest.
Yeah, because they haveself-awareness, they're being
honest, they're not trying tohide a flaw or something they're
working on Okay.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
Yeah.
I can trust them and the thingthat to add to that is, I feel
girls actually underestimate howrare self-awareness is right,
they kind of just take it forgranted.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
Yeah, we hear it all the time self-awareness.
But what does it meanself-awareness?
What does it mean?
How does it show up?
Speaker 2 (05:59):
right.
It's like.
I'm aware I'm angry right now,I'm aware that I'm sad right now
, but it's very subtle.
Yeah Right, and most people, Iwould argue, in their 20s or
mid-20s don't really have thatRight and that's something that
gets built with marriage overtime.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Or with life experience.
Life experience too.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Okay, another example .
They've ended something theywanted because it wasn't right.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Yeah, they've ended something they wanted because it
wasn't right.
Yeah, I don't know if I wouldconsider this a green flag?
Okay, depends on what was it.
What did they end?
Why did they end it?
Speaker 2 (06:37):
So you could ask a question like have you ever
walked away from something thatwas halal-ish but not ideal?
Speaker 1 (06:45):
Yeah, that would be a good question.
I mean, this would show youthat they are not attached.
They don't get too attached tothings or to people.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
They can change.
It shows discipline.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Discipline, they're not too stubborn.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
And they're thinking long term.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
Yeah, they are growing, so yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
But I don't know if I would consider this a green
flag.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
Okay, yeah, I feel like that kind of falls into a
gray area.
Okay, fair enough.
This one I really like.
I would like this if a girlasked me this when I was
courting, how would you like tobe supported?
Speaker 1 (07:22):
yeah yeah this is more of a white people thing, by
the way, I feel how so these,these kind of like statements
and questions, you hear morefrom non-muslims.
How can I support you?
How can I be there for you?
How can I?
Speaker 2 (07:40):
which goes back to something we discussed with
Ravya, which is we have a lot tolearn from non-Muslims.
Absolutely yeah, Whether it'sinclusion and disability or
stuff like this.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
Yeah, we are more the kind of people who would just
assume.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Let me do this for you.
Oh, why did you do this?
Oh, I was trying to help you, Iwas trying to support you, but
this is not how I want to besupported.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
Right right, oh, I was trying to help you, I was
trying to support you, but thisis not how I want to be
supported, right, right, yeah,so with guys it's usually
support, usually means moralsupport, and then for girls it's
financial support.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
Uh well, depends on what's the issue at hand like.
For girls, it's someone who'sgonna listen, listening without
offering solutions, listeningwithout judgment.
Speaker 2 (08:25):
That's a type of support as well yeah, yeah, yeah
, support shows up in differentways for sure uh, they know okay
, I know girls are going to likethis one.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
They know how to disagree without debating I love
this I knew it, girls, if youfind a guy who can do this?
Just this is a keeper.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
This is a keeper, just hold on to him yeah, yeah,
girls I mean guys, because theyhave that dominant personality.
So they they want to have thefinal say right and they want to
prove that they are alwaysright do you want to be right or
you want to be happy?
would you?
You know that's.
That's an interesting question.
(09:04):
No, and I'll refrain, and I'llanswer that by asking you a
question.
And it's the dr house thing.
Okay, would you rather havesomebody who's always um?
What was the question?
Would you rather have somebodywho's always right or somebody
who's um supportive?
Speaker 1 (09:25):
actually we have a similar question in our
comparability challenge yeahwould you rather have a friend
who's always right, but rude?
Speaker 2 (09:33):
oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it but who's always
wrong?
Speaker 1 (09:36):
but sweet and kind yeah I would say sweet and kind,
sweet and wrong I'd go with thesame.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
I can't deal with like toxic energy exactly, yeah
right, like it's just.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Uh, it's a recipe for miserable marriage we're not
living in a lab where thingshave to be a certain way.
If you just add an extra cc,the the thing is gonna blow up,
and they have to be right,exactly exactly.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
So the reason we're bringing up all these different
examples is because there aregreen flags or, let's say,
lessons that can be taken fromeach example.
So, for example, let's use thisone.
They apologize withoutjustifying their behavior
(10:28):
apologize without justifyingtheir behavior.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
I feel this is very rare to find, because it's a
it's a intuitive thing.
We do it without even thinking.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, but right but sorry,
yeah sorry, but it's like theyare connected to each other.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
You have to use them interchangeably.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
Yeah, sorry, but and it just cancels the apology,
like we heard in the dr brownpodcast because we're trying to
protect ourselves, defendourselves or it's because we
just want to have the final say.
Sometimes it's like I'm sorry,but you know you did this wrong,
but had you not done this?
(11:04):
But I tried to do this.
So it's like I need to caveatthat with my opinion.
Speaker 1 (11:11):
Yeah, I guess yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
I was just going to say.
I think most of us are guiltyof that.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
I'm definitely guilty of that.
And actually after hearing thatpodcast now, I'm a bit
self-conscious about that.
I tried to resist saying theword, but after an apology yeah,
me too.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
I'm going to work on that, yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
So the green flag to take from that is accountability
, right, and previously wetalked about how to disagree
without debating, right, so thatthe green flag to take from
that would be someone who'sattentive, someone who's patient
, who isn't stubborn or stuck ontheir ways right, yeah, so the
(11:50):
important thing is, you know,actually, let's just go through
a few more examples and thenwe'll talk a little bit more
about that so uh, I like thisone.
This one is a huge plus for me.
They're enthusiastic aboutmundane things.
I really appreciate people whotake, who see beauty and
simplicity right.
(12:10):
Because I'm so notmaterialistic, I don't care much
for brand name clothes, cars,all that nonsense, and so
somebody who could just sitoutside and just enjoy the
beauty of nature, that is a hugeplus point for me yeah yeah I
feel like you're the same too,right, yeah absolutely
(12:30):
absolutely, yeah, yeah.
Okay, they cheer for otherpeople's success without
bitterness.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
I love this one.
So genuine support, not justsupport.
They are not the jealous type.
They are the type who lovespeople and who loves to see
people happy and successful andwho would learn from that
instead of feeling bitter aboutit.
I love it.
Learn from that instead offeeling bitter about it.
(12:58):
I love it because if they'recheering for strangers, you can.
You can bet they will becheering for you and for your
success yeah, and not justcheering, but like genuine
genuinely happy genuinely happyfor another person's success
okay, they ask for advice frompeople wiser than them.
Now, that's a no-brainer I think, of course, yeah the green flag
(13:18):
from there, from there ishumility humility, of course,
wisdom wisdom.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Yes, so would you be more attracted to someone who
said let me ask my mentor aboutthat.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
Of course not yeah, with me the word mentor.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Just I have some mixed feelings about the word
mentor because it gives theimpression that they're
incapable of deciding forthemselves.
They're dependent on someone.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
So it depends on the circumstance, I guess yeah, yeah
, right like, if they're anentrepreneur and they have a
mentor, then that's different,right, but if it's about moving
out of the apartment and youcan't make a decision without
asking mom or dad, it's causefor concern.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
Right Red flag.
Red flag red flag.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
I wouldn't say red flag, but definitely a bit
something to be concerned about.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
Red dot.
Okay, red dot, not red flag.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Okay, they remember what happens to you, even if it
doesn't matter to them.
I know girls would love thatyes, yes, yeah, definitely.
It shows you're listening,you're being attentive, you're
not just hearing, but you'relistening not to toot my own
horn, but I feel like I'm prettygood at that stuff yeah pretty
good, yeah, pretty good yeah,yeah.
(14:34):
So like when I got you thatbook right, you didn't see that
coming, because I paid attentionto the things that you liked.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
Right, even though it didn't matter to me.
Yeah, even with birthday gifts,you were very intentional.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
Yeah, yeah, because I paid attention.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
What did I just ask you something, and you couldn't
remember what Something youcouldn't remember what.
Something.
And then you told me oh, thename of the composer.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Oh, yeah, yeah, I have it.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
Yeah, you have it.
Yeah, where is it?
Speaker 2 (15:05):
The name of the composer is Is I'll?
Tell you in a second.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Because you memorized it by heart.
No, I'll tell you in a second.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
Malik Jandali.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
Almost.
Malik.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Jandali.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
Malik, malik Jandali.
Okay, guys, if you love genius,beautiful music, then go and
listen to Malik Jandali.
He is a Syrian composer, ahuman rights activist, and his
music just transcends you fromone place to another.
It's, it's gorgeous, it'sbeautiful.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
so okay, coming back to green flags, yeah, so that's
something that matters to youmore than me.
So here's an example you're inthe courting phase and the guy
remembers that you had a jobinterview date, even though he
didn't care about that field atall, but he remembers that and
he wants to ask you how it went.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
Yeah, I would find that very sweet.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
I feel like girls really take this stuff for
granted, because these thingsexist out there and there are
genuine guys who possess thesequalities, but we get so hung up
on financial stability, on thelevel of education, on
geographical location it's acomplete package at the end of
(16:24):
the day.
Being a good listener doesn'tput food on the table I get that
and I'm not saying that that'ssufficient, but it doesn't hold
sufficient weight and I feellike, out of these nine examples
that I just shared with you, ifthere was a guy that had all
nine of these but he was of adifferent culture, chances are a
(16:45):
girl would say no.
Or if she was in a geographicallocation not of his preference,
he'd probably say no, and we'veseen examples of that right and
that's what boils my blood Likehere is somebody who has so
many wonderful qualities andyou're not giving it sufficient
weight yeah, I think, like yousaid, these things shouldn't be
(17:07):
taken for granted definitelyespecially girls, especially
with guys.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
If you find a guy who's a good listener, that's a
really good sign.
Like don't assume that all guysare good listeners.
Don't assume that all guys aregood listeners.
Don't assume that all guys arelike gonna support you
emotionally and like be offeringa listening ear and be the
charming prince you want.
Don't assume all guys possessthat.
(17:33):
It's just a minority of guys ormaybe not a minority, but it's
not like a built-in feature inguys.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
And to add one more thing to this it's very
important that we take the timeto be intentional in searching
for these qualities, like if I'mtalking to somebody, I'm
intentionally looking for theseand not just coming in with the
red flag mindset and saying,okay, does he have that job,
does he have this, does he havethat?
It's like no, be intentional.
(18:04):
Does he have that job, does hehave this, does he have that?
So like no, be intentional.
Does he have humility?
Does he have patience?
Does he have I don't know, ishe?
Is he a good listener?
Does he have emotionalintelligence?
All those things right, butlet's do a quick red flag, green
flag okay okay, so I'm justit's gonna be rapid fire.
Okay, okay, you ready?
Yeah, red flag, green flag ormeh.
(18:25):
Okay, praise Fajr, but alwayslate.
Meh.
Same Meh.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
Sounds like a cow.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
Always answers text with voice notes.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
Oh God, this drives me crazy.
But no, I it's neither meh yeahokay, doesn't use social media
uh, I would find this actually agreen flag meh doesn't matter,
because for me, it's very hardfor you to do any sort of
(19:04):
self-promoting without socialmedia.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
Even if you're a career-oriented person like you
need to upload your resume onLinkedIn.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
Yeah, I don't consider LinkedIn a social media
platform.
Honestly, it's more like whenwe say social media, we're
immediately thinking of Facebookand Instagram and TikTok.
Even Facebook is outdated now.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
So yeah, for me it's math, because I need to know the
reasoning behind they're notusing social media right Are
they not a very self-centeredperson, Then yeah, that's a
green flag.
If they're just sociallyclueless and doesn't know how
social media works and the toolslike, for example, it's a
wonderful tool to promotePalestine right.
(19:43):
But if they're completelyclueless about how social media
work and social media works andthe the tool that it can be to
promote good, that's the redflag.
So it depends.
That's why I'm mad.
Okay, uh, lives with parentsand loves it okay.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
I think this one is different in terms of if it's a
girl or if it's a boy.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
If it's a guy, then yeah, to me that'd be a red flag
, honestly okay it doesn't meanthat I would necessarily write
him off, but I would just take amoment to think and ask
questions but I think I need toadd something to that Lives with
parents and loves it and plansto continue living with parents.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
Oh, after marriage.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Right because lives with parents and loves it.
What's wrong with that?
Speaker 1 (20:31):
Because, like as a guy, you should be independent,
being able to take care ofyourself.
I don't know, like, if you'reliving with your parents, most
likely your mom is preparingyour meals, your mom is doing
your laundry.
It comes with the package.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
It could also be circumstantial.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
If it's, yeah, you know, that's completely
different.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
But the assumption is that your parents are
able-bodied and you're justmooching off your parents.
Speaker 1 (20:59):
Yeah, exactly what?
If it's a girl?
What would you say?
Speaker 2 (21:03):
I'm okay with that yeah, actually, yeah, I'm okay
with that, but I would prefersomebody who has developed some
independence, who like you.
For example, you lived on yourown for many years in jordan.
You learned how to cook, takecare of yourself, build a
structure and routine, so thatplays a lot uh in in a girl's
favor at least for me personally.
(21:24):
This one's funny brings upmarriage on the first call yeah,
that's okay.
Speaker 1 (21:32):
It depends how he brings it up.
If he brings it up as in um, Iwould love to get to know you
for the purpose of marriage, asin, he wants to make sure from
the beginning his intentions areclear and that there are no
mixed messages, then yeah, Iknow that this person is serious
.
But if he proposes or he says,oh, what would you say after we
(21:55):
get married we go here or thereon the first call, then yeah,
that's, that's uh that's a redflag, yeah, yeah, for For guys
and girls, I think.
Yeah, yeah, too desperate.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
Mm-hmm has or hates talking on the phone.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
Then, how does he like to communicate?
Speaker 2 (22:13):
Voice notes or video calls.
Yeah, video calls or videocalls, I guess same thing, but
voice notes.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
Yeah Well, if he doesn't like to talk on the
phone but he likes to talk inperson, then that's a good thing
.
But if he doesn't, if it's thealternative is, like you said,
voice notes or texting, then no,thank you okay, fair enough.
Uh has more female friends thanguy friends okay, are we
talking about a guy who has morefemale friends, or?
Speaker 2 (22:45):
obviously yes, okay, more friends of the opposite
gender okay, um gray flag and,and and also it depends on the
nature of the friendship.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
Do they go out I don't know clubbing or do they
go out to conferences?
So it depends on therelationship.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Even with conferences .
Like is the person settingboundaries?
Speaker 1 (23:17):
Exactly so the nature of their relationship?
Yeah, I guess.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
Post gym selfies with Ayat in captions.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
that's pretty funny x , x, x.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
So what is that man?
No, that's a oh, red flagscreaming red flag okay, uh, it
says I'm not romantic, but I'llprotect you uh that's weird.
That's kind of a weirdcombination why would you
protect me?
Speaker 1 (23:43):
are we in the zoo, like in the jungle, or
circumstantial?
Speaker 2 (23:47):
circumstantial.
Where's mismatched socks?
Speaker 1 (23:53):
well, if it was me, then that would be an.
It wouldn't be a problem.
Someone with a visualimpairment okay, last one.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
I'm not ready right now, but I'm working on it uh, I
would have follow-up questionsokay how are you working on it?
Speaker 1 (24:13):
what are you missing to be ready?
How long do you think it'lltake you to be ready?
Speaker 2 (24:18):
okay yeah, so I wouldn't assign a flag, a flag
color, to it just yet, becauseit does give the impression that
you know the guy is stringingyou along.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
Or that the guy is serious and he doesn't want to
waste your time.
Maybe he says I'm not ready nowand I don't want to drag this
and talk to you If after I'mready, you're still available
then we will pick up from wherewe left, okay, that shows some
(24:49):
maturity.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
Yeah, yeah, all right , let's build our perfect spouse
okay, sounds weird, since we'realready married well, it's not
going to be the perfect spouse,but ideal, I guess.
Okay, so you get to pick threegreen flags and one red flag.
You could tolerate in a person,and same with me.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
Okay, what about a red flag?
I can't tolerate.
Let's add that into the mix.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
Okay, a red flag you cannot tolerate Okay.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
And a red flag.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
I can't tolerate, okay, so it's pretty much like
chiro time if you guys don'tknow what chiro time is, check
out our ebook, yeah yes,comparability challenge.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
Uh okay, red flag I can't tolerate is smoking okay
maybe that's more like a dealbreaker.
Another red flag.
I'm just gonna use theminterchangeably.
Okay.
Okay, smoking I can do that.
It stinks.
Uh red flag I can tolerate ismessiness okay not lack of
(25:56):
hygiene, messiness okay nowthree green flags.
Someone who knows how todisagree with respect?
Speaker 2 (26:07):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
Someone who really enjoys having intellectual
conversations, which reminds mewe need to have a conversation
about Squid Game.
There's so much I want todiscuss.
Okay.
Third green flag would besomeone who really loves life,
(26:33):
who loves to have fun, who'slike usually and nobody's always
happy, but usually he's happy.
He's not down Like someone withlots of energy, or maybe not
lots of energy, but someone wholoves life, who loves people,
who has this.
Speaker 2 (26:53):
I don't know green aura, you could say, until
phoebe comes and your aura okay,all right for me a red flag
that I cannot tolerate someonewho constantly undermines me,
who questions every decision Imake, um, which falls into the
(27:18):
umbrella of not supporting me.
Right, whether it's mydecisions, like a moral support
if I'm, you know, pursuingsomething, whatever it is, um,
so that is one thing I cannottolerate.
Red flag that I can tolerate,barely tolerate, I would say uh,
(27:38):
someone who's into makeup, andeven then it's just like they're
on the border.
If it's super excessive, Idon't think I can, but it really
depends on the amount.
And not just that, how much theyspend on it too.
That's like I don't know.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
I feel that we are a match made in heaven because
it's a green flag for me ifsomebody doesn't like makeup,
because I really hate makeup, Iwould never wear maybe a red
flag for you?
No, it's a green flag.
Speaker 2 (28:10):
If they hate makeup oh, if they hate makeup, yeah,
yeah okay, yeah, so wow,interesting, yeah, um, okay, and
now my green flags.
I'd say somebody who genuinelyshows an interest in my
interests, like, for example,how you like have an interest in
(28:31):
live theater and you go with me, not just for the sake of
supporting me, but you like, youactually enjoy it.
I love it yeah, um, that's onegreen flag.
Second green flag for me wouldbe someone who is a good
listener, a really good like,not just someone who's waiting
(28:53):
for their turn to speak, right,attentively listens to me,
because I have a lot to complainabout when I come home from
work or when I'm complainingabout clients, or the list goes
on.
I, that's just my personality.
I'm not okay, I'm not really anagger, I don't nag a lot, but
(29:17):
um, that's a woman's thing.
That's a woman's thing, yes butI do, I do vent.
Speaker 1 (29:24):
You know what I'm a venter now I'm listening to this
and I'm like is like there's adiscrepancy here, because I
consider myself a really goodlistener up to a point where I
have to engage with the person.
So you consider that meinterrupting you, but it's
because I'm so engaged, I havequestions while you're talking
(29:44):
and stuff, but this irritatesyou, I guess.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Because you interrupt my flow of thought.
That's why I'm such a goodlistener.
That's not listening.
Listening means you're notinterrupting.
I get you're trying to engagein the conversation, but you're
interrupting me or interruptingmy flow of thought to me.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
listening isn't just about being quiet and like
hearing and letting me talk, butit's about giving me, giving me
signs that what I'm saying isactually like you're focusing on
what I'm saying and you'rethinking about what I'm saying
and, like you said, you'reengaged.
So that's why I usuallyinterrupt you, because I'm so
(30:30):
engaged with what you're saying.
Speaker 2 (30:31):
Okay, okay, so I said two green flags, right.
Speaker 1 (30:34):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (30:35):
Okay, third green flag for me is somebody who
makes a diligent effort inmaintaining good health, whether
it's in their diet or justphysical exercise, and isn't
just passive about it are youtrying to tell me something?
(30:55):
well, you, you're pretty goodwith your diet.
I mean, the exercise part canuse some work.
I'll be honest, um, like, Imean you still go to the gym,
but I do have to push you attimes, but your diet, mashallah,
is pretty good.
I mean, you're the only humanbeing I've ever met that
actually craves salads which isso weird.
I love salads um, butnonetheless, like mashallah,
(31:16):
your diet is pretty good thankyou, I mean, nonetheless, you do
come from the middle east, soit's a given.
So, yes, that's, that's a greenflag for me, because then I'm
not putting in twice the amountof effort to maintain our health
.
Right, right Like.
I can use you as the model andI know I'm going to be coming
home to you, know, healthy foodon most occasions.
(31:38):
Yeah.
Right, unless we're likeordering out or something, but
that's a different case.
Speaker 1 (31:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:43):
So that's my kind of ideal spouse beautiful, yeah,
okay now.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Now an awkward question okay, here we go um.
Do I fulfill?
Those?
Speaker 2 (31:55):
you didn't just hear what I said.
No, you, you know.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
No, you were just talking about the green one.
The last one, the gym and thehealth.
Speaker 2 (32:02):
Yes, but in general after that.
Speaker 3 (32:05):
No, you didn't um, you heard that.
I hope the audience got thatI'm a good listener no, you're
not.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
No, even the best of us get like a pass every once in
a while.
Speaker 2 (32:14):
If you heard me carefully.
If you were listening, youwould have heard me say that you
fit into that.
Really I, I just said it.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
Where was I?
Not mentally here apparently.
Okay, well, I am hungry.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
so All right, guys, we hope you benefited from this
episode and you got a few laughsout of it.
Just remember that green flagsaren't about sparks.
They are what build a marriage.
Red flags just tell you when torun, but green flags are
something that shouldn't betaken for granted.
Be intentional about searchingthem out.
They hold so much value and youguys just need to spend the
(32:51):
time looking for them.
Yeah, uh.
So what's your underrated greenflag?
What's one that you ignored inthe past and regret?
Speaker 1 (32:59):
let us know in the comments below yeah, inshallah,
we'll see you in the next oneall right then salam alaikum.
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
And I'm Zaid, you're listeningto Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
So let's dive in.
Bismillah.
Assalamu alaikum everyone.
Welcome to another episode.
My name is Zaid and on theother mic is my wife and co-host
Hiba.
That would be me.
Assalamu alaikum everyone.
Welcome to another episode.
My name is Zaid and on theother mic is my wife and co-host
, hiba.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
That would be me.
Assalamu alaikum.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
Question for you.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
Answer for you.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
So when we were courting, did you come in with a
red flag mindset or a greenflag mindset?
To be honest, be honest.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
Yes, neither.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
So you had no mindset ?
Speaker 1 (00:45):
No, I didn't have any expectations in terms of he has
to meet this and this and this,or if I see this, then I'm just
.
This is meant to be.
I just wanted to see how thingswent.
Honestly you're just going withthe flow going with the flow
okay I don't know if that's agood or a bad thing okay,
nonetheless, that was yourprocess.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
So you saw my profile .
You saw something that made youmessage me.
What were the green flags thatstood out?
Speaker 1 (01:14):
the art, the art part , the fact that you love art and
you're involved in the theater.
So usually people who areartistic have a more calm
demeanor and they're more likeyou wouldn't expect them to be
edgy okay which turned out notto be true, but I'm edgy uh, no
(01:37):
comment.
Okay, and number two, what?
I can't remember what was onyour profile, honestly, but I
like the picture as well.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
Okay, I feel like that's something a guy would say
instead of a girl.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Well, we also like beauty.
Speaker 2 (01:53):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Plus, you had hair back then.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
Okay, thank you.
So green flags so needless tosay, green flags to you would be
something that you foundattractive.
That would serve as maybecomplimentary or as a foundation
for future marriage for youright, yeah.
Okay, Now would you say, basedon personal and professional
(02:17):
experience, that you feel manypeople come in with a red flag
mindset or a green flag mindset.
Definitely a red flag,definitely, definitely red flag
mindset or a green flag mindset,definitely red flag and
definitely and that'sinteresting, you point that out
because I remember somethingthat hafsa mentioned, which was
somebody we just interviewedabout a week ago um, which is
that girls and sometimes guystoo, but I think girls more so
(02:38):
come in with a solid plan b,like it is rock solid yeah, it's
stronger than their plan a, sobecause they're just banking on
the fact that it's not going towork out yeah, just like we said
before, people are coming witha default, no mindset right,
right, right.
We dedicated an episode to thatI think so.
Why so?
(02:59):
Coming back to green flags, whydo green flags matter?
And, and to add to thatquestion, do you think, if we
focus too much on green flags,that we're setting the bar too
low?
Speaker 1 (03:13):
um, maybe, maybe, but maybe it should be a mix of
both, focusing on both red andgreen.
But I feel people aren'tfocusing on green at all.
They're not even looking forgreen flags.
They are just looking.
If I find this and this andthis, then I'm just running away
and that's it.
But what if you're findingthings green flags that would
(03:36):
indicate that this is a marriagematerial person.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
And I feel like that's the case with a lot of
people Like just the most recentmatch that we had, that didn't
work out.
There was so many green flags,there was so many reasons why
these two people were compatible.
And it was just.
I don't know even if you wouldconsider those deal breakers or
red flags, but the deal breakersor red flags, whatever term you
(04:03):
want to use just one or two ofthem was enough for the guy to
end it.
Right yeah.
And I just feel like green flagsdon't get enough value or as
much as they should.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Yeah, it's like someone who's focusing on the
half empty instead of half full,exactly.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
And there's no room for tolerance.
These days, you feel, yeah,like it's a mix of like
searching for perfection and amix of maybe someone being too
confident of themselves or thenetflix mindset right well yeah
right, just a quick fix.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
I have to check all my boxes.
So the thing with green flagsis that they're subtle.
Obviously they don't come withflashy signs.
They don't say here is a greenflag, and it's like blaring in
the middle of the night, butthey show you who someone really
is deep down in their core.
So let's talk out a fewexamples.
(05:01):
One that comes to mind is thatthey call out their own flaws
before you do.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
And.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
I feel like girls find that one very attractive.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Yes, yes, it's very manly and, yeah, it's lacking in
a lot of cultures,unfortunately.
Speaker 2 (05:19):
Yeah, so there's a question to follow up with that.
Would you trust someone more ifthey said I can be stubborn,
but I'm working on it?
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Yes, yeah, because they Because they're being
honest.
Yeah, because they haveself-awareness, they're being
honest, they're not trying tohide a flaw or something they're
working on Okay.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
Yeah.
I can trust them and the thingthat to add to that is, I feel
girls actually underestimate howrare self-awareness is right,
they kind of just take it forgranted.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
Yeah, we hear it all the time self-awareness.
But what does it meanself-awareness?
What does it mean?
How does it show up?
Speaker 2 (05:59):
right.
It's like.
I'm aware I'm angry right now,I'm aware that I'm sad right now
, but it's very subtle.
Yeah Right, and most people, Iwould argue, in their 20s or
mid-20s don't really have thatRight and that's something that
gets built with marriage overtime.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Or with life experience.
Life experience too.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Okay, another example .
They've ended something theywanted because it wasn't right.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
Yeah, they've ended something they wanted because it
wasn't right.
Yeah, I don't know if I wouldconsider this a green flag?
Okay, depends on what was it.
What did they end?
Why did they end it?
Speaker 2 (06:37):
So you could ask a question like have you ever
walked away from something thatwas halal-ish but not ideal?
Speaker 1 (06:45):
Yeah, that would be a good question.
I mean, this would show youthat they are not attached.
They don't get too attached tothings or to people.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
They can change.
It shows discipline.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Discipline, they're not too stubborn.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
And they're thinking long term.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
Yeah, they are growing, so yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
But I don't know if I would consider this a green
flag.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
Okay, yeah, I feel like that kind of falls into a
gray area.
Okay, fair enough.
This one I really like.
I would like this if a girlasked me this when I was
courting, how would you like tobe supported?
Speaker 1 (07:22):
yeah yeah this is more of a white people thing, by
the way, I feel how so these,these kind of like statements
and questions, you hear morefrom non-muslims.
How can I support you?
How can I be there for you?
How can I?
Speaker 2 (07:40):
which goes back to something we discussed with
Ravya, which is we have a lot tolearn from non-Muslims.
Absolutely yeah, Whether it'sinclusion and disability or
stuff like this.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
Yeah, we are more the kind of people who would just
assume.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Let me do this for you.
Oh, why did you do this?
Oh, I was trying to help you, Iwas trying to support you, but
this is not how I want to besupported.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
Right right, oh, I was trying to help you, I was
trying to support you, but thisis not how I want to be
supported, right, right, yeah,so with guys it's usually
support, usually means moralsupport, and then for girls it's
financial support.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
Uh well, depends on what's the issue at hand like.
For girls, it's someone who'sgonna listen, listening without
offering solutions, listeningwithout judgment.
Speaker 2 (08:25):
That's a type of support as well yeah, yeah, yeah
, support shows up in differentways for sure uh, they know okay
, I know girls are going to likethis one.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
They know how to disagree without debating I love
this I knew it, girls, if youfind a guy who can do this?
Just this is a keeper.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
This is a keeper, just hold on to him yeah, yeah,
girls I mean guys, because theyhave that dominant personality.
So they they want to have thefinal say right and they want to
prove that they are alwaysright do you want to be right or
you want to be happy?
would you?
You know that's.
That's an interesting question.
(09:04):
No, and I'll refrain, and I'llanswer that by asking you a
question.
And it's the dr house thing.
Okay, would you rather havesomebody who's always um?
What was the question?
Would you rather have somebodywho's always right or somebody
who's um supportive?
Speaker 1 (09:25):
actually we have a similar question in our
comparability challenge yeahwould you rather have a friend
who's always right, but rude?
Speaker 2 (09:33):
oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it but who's always
wrong?
Speaker 1 (09:36):
but sweet and kind yeah I would say sweet and kind,
sweet and wrong I'd go with thesame.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
I can't deal with like toxic energy exactly, yeah
right, like it's just.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Uh, it's a recipe for miserable marriage we're not
living in a lab where thingshave to be a certain way.
If you just add an extra cc,the the thing is gonna blow up,
and they have to be right,exactly exactly.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
So the reason we're bringing up all these different
examples is because there aregreen flags or, let's say,
lessons that can be taken fromeach example.
So, for example, let's use thisone.
They apologize withoutjustifying their behavior
(10:28):
apologize without justifyingtheir behavior.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
I feel this is very rare to find, because it's a
it's a intuitive thing.
We do it without even thinking.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, but right but sorry,
yeah sorry, but it's like theyare connected to each other.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
You have to use them interchangeably.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
Yeah, sorry, but and it just cancels the apology,
like we heard in the dr brownpodcast because we're trying to
protect ourselves, defendourselves or it's because we
just want to have the final say.
Sometimes it's like I'm sorry,but you know you did this wrong,
but had you not done this?
(11:04):
But I tried to do this.
So it's like I need to caveatthat with my opinion.
Speaker 1 (11:11):
Yeah, I guess yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
I was just going to say.
I think most of us are guiltyof that.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
I'm definitely guilty of that.
And actually after hearing thatpodcast now, I'm a bit
self-conscious about that.
I tried to resist saying theword, but after an apology yeah,
me too.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
I'm going to work on that, yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
So the green flag to take from that is accountability
, right, and previously wetalked about how to disagree
without debating, right, so thatthe green flag to take from
that would be someone who'sattentive, someone who's patient
, who isn't stubborn or stuck ontheir ways right, yeah, so the
(11:50):
important thing is, you know,actually, let's just go through
a few more examples and thenwe'll talk a little bit more
about that so uh, I like thisone.
This one is a huge plus for me.
They're enthusiastic aboutmundane things.
I really appreciate people whotake, who see beauty and
simplicity right.
(12:10):
Because I'm so notmaterialistic, I don't care much
for brand name clothes, cars,all that nonsense, and so
somebody who could just sitoutside and just enjoy the
beauty of nature, that is a hugeplus point for me yeah yeah I
feel like you're the same too,right, yeah absolutely
(12:30):
absolutely, yeah, yeah.
Okay, they cheer for otherpeople's success without
bitterness.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
I love this one.
So genuine support, not justsupport.
They are not the jealous type.
They are the type who lovespeople and who loves to see
people happy and successful andwho would learn from that
instead of feeling bitter aboutit.
I love it.
Learn from that instead offeeling bitter about it.
(12:58):
I love it because if they'recheering for strangers, you can.
You can bet they will becheering for you and for your
success yeah, and not justcheering, but like genuine
genuinely happy genuinely happyfor another person's success
okay, they ask for advice frompeople wiser than them.
Now, that's a no-brainer I think, of course, yeah the green flag
(13:18):
from there, from there ishumility humility, of course,
wisdom wisdom.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Yes, so would you be more attracted to someone who
said let me ask my mentor aboutthat.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
Of course not yeah, with me the word mentor.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Just I have some mixed feelings about the word
mentor because it gives theimpression that they're
incapable of deciding forthemselves.
They're dependent on someone.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
So it depends on the circumstance, I guess yeah, yeah
, right like, if they're anentrepreneur and they have a
mentor, then that's different,right, but if it's about moving
out of the apartment and youcan't make a decision without
asking mom or dad, it's causefor concern.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
Right Red flag.
Red flag red flag.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
I wouldn't say red flag, but definitely a bit
something to be concerned about.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
Red dot.
Okay, red dot, not red flag.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Okay, they remember what happens to you, even if it
doesn't matter to them.
I know girls would love thatyes, yes, yeah, definitely.
It shows you're listening,you're being attentive, you're
not just hearing, but you'relistening not to toot my own
horn, but I feel like I'm prettygood at that stuff yeah pretty
good, yeah, pretty good yeah,yeah.
(14:34):
So like when I got you thatbook right, you didn't see that
coming, because I paid attentionto the things that you liked.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
Right, even though it didn't matter to me.
Yeah, even with birthday gifts,you were very intentional.
Speaker 2 (14:46):
Yeah, yeah, because I paid attention.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
What did I just ask you something, and you couldn't
remember what Something youcouldn't remember what.
Something.
And then you told me oh, thename of the composer.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Oh, yeah, yeah, I have it.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
Yeah, you have it.
Yeah, where is it?
Speaker 2 (15:05):
The name of the composer is Is I'll?
Tell you in a second.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Because you memorized it by heart.
No, I'll tell you in a second.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
Malik Jandali.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
Almost.
Malik.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Jandali.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
Malik, malik Jandali.
Okay, guys, if you love genius,beautiful music, then go and
listen to Malik Jandali.
He is a Syrian composer, ahuman rights activist, and his
music just transcends you fromone place to another.
It's, it's gorgeous, it'sbeautiful.
Speaker 2 (15:41):
so okay, coming back to green flags, yeah, so that's
something that matters to youmore than me.
So here's an example you're inthe courting phase and the guy
remembers that you had a jobinterview date, even though he
didn't care about that field atall, but he remembers that and
he wants to ask you how it went.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
Yeah, I would find that very sweet.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
I feel like girls really take this stuff for
granted, because these thingsexist out there and there are
genuine guys who possess thesequalities, but we get so hung up
on financial stability, on thelevel of education, on
geographical location it's acomplete package at the end of
(16:24):
the day.
Being a good listener doesn'tput food on the table I get that
and I'm not saying that that'ssufficient, but it doesn't hold
sufficient weight and I feellike, out of these nine examples
that I just shared with you, ifthere was a guy that had all
nine of these but he was of adifferent culture, chances are a
(16:45):
girl would say no.
Or if she was in a geographicallocation not of his preference,
he'd probably say no, and we'veseen examples of that right and
that's what boils my blood Likehere is somebody who has so
many wonderful qualities andyou're not giving it sufficient
weight yeah, I think, like yousaid, these things shouldn't be
(17:07):
taken for granted definitelyespecially girls, especially
with guys.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
If you find a guy who's a good listener, that's a
really good sign.
Like don't assume that all guysare good listeners.
Don't assume that all guys aregood listeners.
Don't assume that all guys arelike gonna support you
emotionally and like be offeringa listening ear and be the
charming prince you want.
Don't assume all guys possessthat.
(17:33):
It's just a minority of guys ormaybe not a minority, but it's
not like a built-in feature inguys.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
And to add one more thing to this it's very
important that we take the timeto be intentional in searching
for these qualities, like if I'mtalking to somebody, I'm
intentionally looking for theseand not just coming in with the
red flag mindset and saying,okay, does he have that job,
does he have this, does he havethat?
It's like no, be intentional.
(18:04):
Does he have that job, does hehave this, does he have that?
So like no, be intentional.
Does he have humility?
Does he have patience?
Does he have I don't know, ishe?
Is he a good listener?
Does he have emotionalintelligence?
All those things right, butlet's do a quick red flag, green
flag okay okay, so I'm justit's gonna be rapid fire.
Okay, okay, you ready?
Yeah, red flag, green flag ormeh.
(18:25):
Okay, praise Fajr, but alwayslate.
Meh.
Same Meh.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
Sounds like a cow.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
Always answers text with voice notes.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
Oh God, this drives me crazy.
But no, I it's neither meh yeahokay, doesn't use social media
uh, I would find this actually agreen flag meh doesn't matter,
because for me, it's very hardfor you to do any sort of
(19:04):
self-promoting without socialmedia.
Speaker 2 (19:06):
Even if you're a career-oriented person like you
need to upload your resume onLinkedIn.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
Yeah, I don't consider LinkedIn a social media
platform.
Honestly, it's more like whenwe say social media, we're
immediately thinking of Facebookand Instagram and TikTok.
Even Facebook is outdated now.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
So yeah, for me it's math, because I need to know the
reasoning behind they're notusing social media right Are
they not a very self-centeredperson, Then yeah, that's a
green flag.
If they're just sociallyclueless and doesn't know how
social media works and the toolslike, for example, it's a
wonderful tool to promotePalestine right.
(19:43):
But if they're completelyclueless about how social media
work and social media works andthe the tool that it can be to
promote good, that's the redflag.
So it depends.
That's why I'm mad.
Okay, uh, lives with parentsand loves it okay.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
I think this one is different in terms of if it's a
girl or if it's a boy.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
If it's a guy, then yeah, to me that'd be a red flag
, honestly okay it doesn't meanthat I would necessarily write
him off, but I would just take amoment to think and ask
questions but I think I need toadd something to that Lives with
parents and loves it and plansto continue living with parents.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
Oh, after marriage.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Right because lives with parents and loves it.
What's wrong with that?
Speaker 1 (20:31):
Because, like as a guy, you should be independent,
being able to take care ofyourself.
I don't know, like, if you'reliving with your parents, most
likely your mom is preparingyour meals, your mom is doing
your laundry.
It comes with the package.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
It could also be circumstantial.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
If it's, yeah, you know, that's completely
different.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
But the assumption is that your parents are
able-bodied and you're justmooching off your parents.
Speaker 1 (20:59):
Yeah, exactly what?
If it's a girl?
What would you say?
Speaker 2 (21:03):
I'm okay with that yeah, actually, yeah, I'm okay
with that, but I would prefersomebody who has developed some
independence, who like you.
For example, you lived on yourown for many years in jordan.
You learned how to cook, takecare of yourself, build a
structure and routine, so thatplays a lot uh in in a girl's
favor at least for me personally.
(21:24):
This one's funny brings upmarriage on the first call yeah,
that's okay.
Speaker 1 (21:32):
It depends how he brings it up.
If he brings it up as in um, Iwould love to get to know you
for the purpose of marriage, asin, he wants to make sure from
the beginning his intentions areclear and that there are no
mixed messages, then yeah, Iknow that this person is serious
.
But if he proposes or he says,oh, what would you say after we
(21:55):
get married we go here or thereon the first call, then yeah,
that's, that's uh that's a redflag, yeah, yeah, for For guys
and girls, I think.
Yeah, yeah, too desperate.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
Mm-hmm has or hates talking on the phone.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
Then, how does he like to communicate?
Speaker 2 (22:13):
Voice notes or video calls.
Yeah, video calls or videocalls, I guess same thing, but
voice notes.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
Yeah Well, if he doesn't like to talk on the
phone but he likes to talk inperson, then that's a good thing
.
But if he doesn't, if it's thealternative is, like you said,
voice notes or texting, then no,thank you okay, fair enough.
Uh has more female friends thanguy friends okay, are we
talking about a guy who has morefemale friends, or?
Speaker 2 (22:45):
obviously yes, okay, more friends of the opposite
gender okay, um gray flag and,and and also it depends on the
nature of the friendship.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
Do they go out I don't know clubbing or do they
go out to conferences?
So it depends on therelationship.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Even with conferences .
Like is the person settingboundaries?
Speaker 1 (23:17):
Exactly so the nature of their relationship?
Yeah, I guess.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
Post gym selfies with Ayat in captions.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
that's pretty funny x , x, x.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
So what is that man?
No, that's a oh, red flagscreaming red flag okay, uh, it
says I'm not romantic, but I'llprotect you uh that's weird.
That's kind of a weirdcombination why would you
protect me?
Speaker 1 (23:43):
are we in the zoo, like in the jungle, or
circumstantial?
Speaker 2 (23:47):
circumstantial.
Where's mismatched socks?
Speaker 1 (23:53):
well, if it was me, then that would be an.
It wouldn't be a problem.
Someone with a visualimpairment okay, last one.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
I'm not ready right now, but I'm working on it uh, I
would have follow-up questionsokay how are you working on it?
Speaker 1 (24:13):
what are you missing to be ready?
How long do you think it'lltake you to be ready?
Speaker 2 (24:18):
okay yeah, so I wouldn't assign a flag, a flag
color, to it just yet, becauseit does give the impression that
you know the guy is stringingyou along.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
Or that the guy is serious and he doesn't want to
waste your time.
Maybe he says I'm not ready nowand I don't want to drag this
and talk to you If after I'mready, you're still available
then we will pick up from wherewe left, okay, that shows some
(24:49):
maturity.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
Yeah, yeah, all right , let's build our perfect spouse
okay, sounds weird, since we'realready married well, it's not
going to be the perfect spouse,but ideal, I guess.
Okay, so you get to pick threegreen flags and one red flag.
You could tolerate in a person,and same with me.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
Okay, what about a red flag?
I can't tolerate.
Let's add that into the mix.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
Okay, a red flag you cannot tolerate Okay.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
And a red flag.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
I can't tolerate, okay, so it's pretty much like
chiro time if you guys don'tknow what chiro time is, check
out our ebook, yeah yes,comparability challenge.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
Uh okay, red flag I can't tolerate is smoking okay
maybe that's more like a dealbreaker.
Another red flag.
I'm just gonna use theminterchangeably.
Okay.
Okay, smoking I can do that.
It stinks.
Uh red flag I can tolerate ismessiness okay not lack of
(25:56):
hygiene, messiness okay nowthree green flags.
Someone who knows how todisagree with respect?
Speaker 2 (26:07):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
Someone who really enjoys having intellectual
conversations, which reminds mewe need to have a conversation
about Squid Game.
There's so much I want todiscuss.
Okay.
Third green flag would besomeone who really loves life,
(26:33):
who loves to have fun, who'slike usually and nobody's always
happy, but usually he's happy.
He's not down Like someone withlots of energy, or maybe not
lots of energy, but someone wholoves life, who loves people,
who has this.
Speaker 2 (26:53):
I don't know green aura, you could say, until
phoebe comes and your aura okay,all right for me a red flag
that I cannot tolerate someonewho constantly undermines me,
who questions every decision Imake, um, which falls into the
(27:18):
umbrella of not supporting me.
Right, whether it's mydecisions, like a moral support
if I'm, you know, pursuingsomething, whatever it is, um,
so that is one thing I cannottolerate.
Red flag that I can tolerate,barely tolerate, I would say uh,
(27:38):
someone who's into makeup, andeven then it's just like they're
on the border.
If it's super excessive, Idon't think I can, but it really
depends on the amount.
And not just that, how much theyspend on it too.
That's like I don't know.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
I feel that we are a match made in heaven because
it's a green flag for me ifsomebody doesn't like makeup,
because I really hate makeup, Iwould never wear maybe a red
flag for you?
No, it's a green flag.
Speaker 2 (28:10):
If they hate makeup oh, if they hate makeup, yeah,
yeah okay, yeah, so wow,interesting, yeah, um, okay, and
now my green flags.
I'd say somebody who genuinelyshows an interest in my
interests, like, for example,how you like have an interest in
(28:31):
live theater and you go with me, not just for the sake of
supporting me, but you like, youactually enjoy it.
I love it yeah, um, that's onegreen flag.
Second green flag for me wouldbe someone who is a good
listener, a really good like,not just someone who's waiting
(28:53):
for their turn to speak, right,attentively listens to me,
because I have a lot to complainabout when I come home from
work or when I'm complainingabout clients, or the list goes
on.
I, that's just my personality.
I'm not okay, I'm not really anagger, I don't nag a lot, but
(29:17):
um, that's a woman's thing.
That's a woman's thing, yes butI do, I do vent.
Speaker 1 (29:24):
You know what I'm a venter now I'm listening to this
and I'm like is like there's adiscrepancy here, because I
consider myself a really goodlistener up to a point where I
have to engage with the person.
So you consider that meinterrupting you, but it's
because I'm so engaged, I havequestions while you're talking
(29:44):
and stuff, but this irritatesyou, I guess.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Because you interrupt my flow of thought.
That's why I'm such a goodlistener.
That's not listening.
Listening means you're notinterrupting.
I get you're trying to engagein the conversation, but you're
interrupting me or interruptingmy flow of thought to me.
Speaker 1 (30:08):
listening isn't just about being quiet and like
hearing and letting me talk, butit's about giving me, giving me
signs that what I'm saying isactually like you're focusing on
what I'm saying and you'rethinking about what I'm saying
and, like you said, you'reengaged.
So that's why I usuallyinterrupt you, because I'm so
(30:30):
engaged with what you're saying.
Speaker 2 (30:31):
Okay, okay, so I said two green flags, right.
Speaker 1 (30:34):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (30:35):
Okay, third green flag for me is somebody who
makes a diligent effort inmaintaining good health, whether
it's in their diet or justphysical exercise, and isn't
just passive about it are youtrying to tell me something?
(30:55):
well, you, you're pretty goodwith your diet.
I mean, the exercise part canuse some work.
I'll be honest, um, like, Imean you still go to the gym,
but I do have to push you attimes, but your diet, mashallah,
is pretty good.
I mean, you're the only humanbeing I've ever met that
actually craves salads which isso weird.
I love salads um, butnonetheless, like mashallah,
(31:16):
your diet is pretty good thankyou, I mean, nonetheless, you do
come from the middle east, soit's a given.
So, yes, that's, that's a greenflag for me, because then I'm
not putting in twice the amountof effort to maintain our health
.
Right, right Like.
I can use you as the model andI know I'm going to be coming
home to you, know, healthy foodon most occasions.
(31:38):
Yeah.
Right, unless we're likeordering out or something, but
that's a different case.
Speaker 1 (31:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:43):
So that's my kind of ideal spouse beautiful, yeah,
okay now.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Now an awkward question okay, here we go um.
Do I fulfill?
Those?
Speaker 2 (31:55):
you didn't just hear what I said.
No, you, you know.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
No, you were just talking about the green one.
The last one, the gym and thehealth.
Speaker 2 (32:02):
Yes, but in general after that.
Speaker 3 (32:05):
No, you didn't um, you heard that.
I hope the audience got thatI'm a good listener no, you're
not.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
No, even the best of us get like a pass every once in
a while.
Speaker 2 (32:14):
If you heard me carefully.
If you were listening, youwould have heard me say that you
fit into that.
Really I, I just said it.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
Where was I?
Not mentally here apparently.
Okay, well, I am hungry.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
so All right, guys, we hope you benefited from this
episode and you got a few laughsout of it.
Just remember that green flagsaren't about sparks.
They are what build a marriage.
Red flags just tell you when torun, but green flags are
something that shouldn't betaken for granted.
Be intentional about searchingthem out.
They hold so much value and youguys just need to spend the
(32:51):
time looking for them.
Yeah, uh.
So what's your underrated greenflag?
What's one that you ignored inthe past and regret?
Speaker 1 (32:59):
let us know in the comments below yeah, inshallah,
we'll see you in the next oneall right then salam alaikum.
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