December 12, 2025 • 23 mins
Real talk: what if you’re single not because your standards are high, but because you’re filtering out every man under a certain number? In this episode, we unpack why height has become the unofficial dealbreaker for so many single women and how that one filter quietly shrinks your options and sometimes blocks amazing men.
We get into the psychology, the social pressure, the curated expectations, and the difference between real attraction and conditioned attraction. We share stories from our matchmaking work, including the good men women skipped before even learning who they were.
If you’re choosing a spouse, not a photoshoot partner, the checklist has to evolve. Tap play and challenge the height rules you didn’t even know you were following.
If something we said made you think, laugh, or feel seen, leave us a rating and review! It helps more people find the show. And hey, if you know someone who needs to hear this episode, send it their way. Sharing is caring!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
Every time a sister tells me I just can't marry
someone shorter than me, Ialways ask one question.
Why?
And the silence that followssays more than any high
difference ever could.
Asalamu alaikum, I'm Hibah.
SPEAKER_00 (00:13):
And I'm Zayd.
SPEAKER_01 (00:13):
You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
SPEAKER_00 (00:16):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
SPEAKER_01 (00:19):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
SPEAKER_00 (00:23):
So let's dive in.
Bismaker.
Assalamu alaikum, everyone.
Welcome to another episode.
SPEAKER_01 (00:30):
Assalamu alaikum, Hiba and Zayd here.
SPEAKER_00 (00:33):
Yes, that's us.
So when you saw my prepmatrimonial profile and you were
going through, and I'm sure allgirls, you know, they go through
the picture, they go through thedetails, profession, things like
that.
Did you pay attention to myheight?
Um, in fact, was my height evenon my profile?
SPEAKER_01 (00:49):
I can't remember.
I can't remember honestly if itwas there, if I looked at it, I
can't remember.
SPEAKER_00 (00:55):
Okay.
Um, but I'm sure uh you wantedsomebody even then or even now,
like God forbid we start overagain, start searching.
You want someone that you canlook up to, right?
Somebody that you can like thatrelieves that psychological
factor, right?
Like a leader by naturally issomebody that is tall.
(01:16):
No.
SPEAKER_01 (01:17):
No.
SPEAKER_00 (01:18):
Usually, usually psychologically speaking.
SPEAKER_01 (01:20):
No, I completely disagree.
SPEAKER_00 (01:23):
Okay.
In most cases in history, Ithink leaders were pretty tall.
SPEAKER_01 (01:28):
How would you know?
How would we know?
SPEAKER_00 (01:29):
What do you mean, how would we know?
SPEAKER_01 (01:31):
There wasn't any photography, any videography,
nothing.
SPEAKER_00 (01:35):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (01:35):
This is how they're portrayed.
But is it true?
We don't know.
SPEAKER_00 (01:40):
Okay.
But I think psychologicallyspeaking, a woman does want
somebody that they can look upto, somebody that is tall,
strong, so you say you'reconfusing two things.
SPEAKER_01 (01:49):
Women do want somebody uh who they can look up
to.
SPEAKER_00 (01:52):
Yes, and that gets naturally associated with
leadership.
SPEAKER_01 (01:55):
So yes.
Yes here, up till here we'reagreeing.
Okay.
But when you start connectingleadership and um what else did
you say?
Looking up to someone, when youassociate that with height,
that's where we disagree.
So just like some background forthis topic.
So, alhamdulillah, we've beendoing this work for more than
four years now, and we've talkedto a lot of people.
SPEAKER_00 (02:18):
Hundreds.
SPEAKER_01 (02:18):
Hundreds of people.
SPEAKER_00 (02:19):
We're getting, I'd say we're pretty close to the
thousands now.
SPEAKER_01 (02:22):
Yeah, maybe we crossed it, maybe not.
I don't know.
But we've spoken to a lot ofgirls in uh different age
groups, and this is somethingthat always keeps coming up
height.
SPEAKER_02 (02:32):
Height.
SPEAKER_01 (02:33):
And it frustrates me personally because I feel a lot
I see a lot of good guys whodon't even get a chance just
because of their height, who getjudged based on something that's
completely out of their control.
And on the other hand, you seegirls who reach the age of like
late 30s, mid-40s, even we sawmid-40s, who still refuse to
(02:54):
consider a guy who's reallygood, successful, funny, great
personality, good values, buthe's shorter than them.
Like they don't even give it asecond to think about it.
So you prefer to grow old aloneand miss out on the opportunity
of building a family and havinga companion just because of
(03:16):
height?
SPEAKER_00 (03:17):
See, I think I think you're overlooking something,
which is the physicalattraction.
I feel that height is what guysfeel like about when it comes to
weight.
Now, uh granted, weight issomething that can be controlled
in most cases, unless it's agenetic factor.
But in most cases, yes, weightcan be controlled.
(03:37):
But it feels like the same thingthat you can't feel attracted to
like with most guys generally,you can they don't feel an
attraction to somebody who'soverweight.
With girls, I feel that theyjust don't feel an attraction to
somebody that is shorter thanthem.
SPEAKER_01 (03:54):
I agree, I disagree.
I I do agree that attraction.
No, no, I do agree thatattraction plays a big role, and
of course, you can't like marrysomeone you're not attracted to,
right?
But I don't see a correlationbetween height and attraction.
I mean, you're sitting down atdinner for dinner, you're laying
down on the couch, you'rewatching a movie.
(04:16):
You're looking at their face,you're not looking at their
height.
Like, what difference whenyou're sitting down for dinner
does this have to do withanything?
SPEAKER_00 (04:22):
It's not about that.
It's about when you're going outin public.
SPEAKER_01 (04:25):
Ah, you see?
It's about what people think,what people say.
SPEAKER_00 (04:28):
Yeah, I think that plays a part.
Like, yes, uh, you know, thewhole Instagram effect and what
people think that can be a bitdetrimental.
But at the same time, like Iwould think if I was to marry or
consider a girl that wasoverweight, in the back of my
mind, I would be thinking, howwould we look in pictures?
How would we look in public?
Like me holding the hand ofsomebody that's that weighs more
(04:52):
than me.
I know I sound very shallow.
SPEAKER_01 (04:55):
No, no, two things.
First of all, weight is linkedto health.
You want somebody who has ahealthy weight, who's like who's
gonna be healthy, right?
SPEAKER_00 (05:07):
Of course.
SPEAKER_01 (05:08):
Weight also managing your weight and being fit, that
uh shows a great deal ofdiscipline and uh respecting the
amana that Allah gave you, whichis our health, our body.
Uh I understand that.
And weight also affects how theperson looks, like their their
features, their face.
You can see the differencebetween a chubby person and
(05:29):
after they lose weight, how theylook completely different,
right?
Uh also in terms of intimacy andall of that.
But what does height have to dowith anything?
It has nothing to do withhealth.
You know what?
Yesterday I asked you a questionand you started answering, and
then I said, don't answer.
I want to hear your fresh takeon this while we record, when we
(05:49):
record.
Okay, well.
So I'll ask you again.
Which do you think is moreacceptable?
A girl rejecting a man becausehe's shorter than her, or
rejecting a man because he's ina wheelchair?
SPEAKER_00 (06:03):
Um socially acceptable, I would say
rejecting a man who is in awheelchair.
SPEAKER_01 (06:16):
Why?
SPEAKER_00 (06:19):
Okay, maybe not socially acceptable, but would
make more sense.
SPEAKER_01 (06:22):
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (06:23):
And also understanding what would result
in more shame.
Because you would definitely getI think you would get blasted
and shamed if you rejectedsomebody in the in a wheelchair,
right?
SPEAKER_01 (06:33):
That's a good point.
Which is yeah, which is moreshameful, like as terrible, as
horrible as it sounds, justsaying that.
But I'm just trying to go to theextreme for the extreme.
SPEAKER_00 (06:42):
Yeah, so which is more shameful?
I would say, yeah, rejectingsomebody in a wheelchair.
SPEAKER_01 (06:46):
Okay, because why?
SPEAKER_00 (06:48):
I don't know.
Because they're in acircumstance that is in that is
beyond their control.
SPEAKER_01 (06:54):
Exactly.
Right.
You just you just hammered onthe point I was trying to make.
It's completely out of yourcontrol.
But for some reason, we feel asense of pity for a man who's in
a wheelchair.
But a man who's born shorter,it's much easier to like to
reject him.
It's more socially acceptable tothe other.
SPEAKER_00 (07:15):
There's two separate things.
What is more shameful and whatmakes more sense?
SPEAKER_01 (07:19):
Okay, so what which one would make more sense?
SPEAKER_00 (07:22):
Um rejecting somebody in a wheelchair makes
more sense because um thatrequires more responsibility,
then that comes with the burdenof taking care of them,
intimacy, all of those factorscome into play.
So naturally you're gonna bethinking about, you know,
long-term, you know, how how canyou build a life with this
(07:42):
person 20, 30 years from now?
So it makes more sense to rejectsomebody that's in a wheelchair.
SPEAKER_01 (07:49):
Okay, I guess.
But I feel that us as acommunity, and unfortunately I
feel this is more common in theMuslim community, we judge
people before giving them achance.
So, like for example, if we saythat no, I can't marry a man
who's shorter than me, I can'tmarry a man who's on a who's in
a wheelchair, we'reinadvertently saying that a
(08:10):
shorter man should only marry awoman who's his height or
shorter.
A man in a wheelchair shouldonly be considered by a woman in
a wheelchair or even worseconditions.
So, what does this say about ourcommunity?
What about like what about theperson, the personality, the the
deen, the akhlak, the success,the what about some things
(08:34):
matter more to girls thanothers.
SPEAKER_00 (08:35):
Like, I remember one girl, uh the super successful
one neurologist, she was sherejected.
I'm like before we could evenmove ahead with the presentation
of the match, once she heard theheight, she said no.
Because and I remember herwords, she said, um, and she
even apologized for it.
She's like, I'm sorry, I justthat's just one thing I can't
get over.
SPEAKER_01 (08:56):
Yeah, and but when you ask them, ask them why they
can't articulate.
SPEAKER_00 (09:00):
And that that proves my point.
SPEAKER_01 (09:02):
Okay, so why do you think women say no to a shorter
man?
SPEAKER_00 (09:07):
Why do I think I think girls deep down need
somebody that, like I said inthe beginning, they need
somebody that they can look upto, and so height automatically
gets associated with protection.
Height gets associated with thisneed to look socially
compatible, so they want to lookpretty with their heels and the
(09:28):
and they want to um look goodwhen they go out, so that you
know the husband is the theprotector hovering over them,
and so they feel like there'sthis shroud of protection when
they're gonna be able to dothat.
What is it?
SPEAKER_01 (09:39):
Do we live in the jungle or what?
SPEAKER_00 (09:41):
I'm just just thinking outside of the box.
And maybe they just don't feelfeminine enough next to a
partner.
I don't know.
That's something that you canelaborate more on.
SPEAKER_01 (09:49):
Okay, I I feel these reasons you mentioned they are
just um cover-up.
SPEAKER_00 (09:55):
For what?
SPEAKER_01 (09:56):
For something deeper.
Height becomes a shortcut foremotional security and emotional
availability.
So women deep down might thinkthat a shorter uh uh taller guy
is more emotionally available.
Also, wanting a taller guy couldhide things that women will not
admit out loud.
(10:17):
Something like, I don't know,I'm afraid to be j I don't want
to be judged by my family.
I don't want to hear commentsfrom an auntie.
I don't want to look like Isettled.
SPEAKER_00 (10:27):
Yeah, or look awkward in photos.
Exactly.
SPEAKER_01 (10:29):
But is it true?
Is it true that if you marry a ashorter guy, this means you
settled?
This means you're a loser.
SPEAKER_00 (10:37):
I think that's a bit of an extreme way of thinking.
Yeah, I guess.
SPEAKER_01 (10:41):
I think it is it is there, subconsciously it is
there.
SPEAKER_00 (10:44):
Yeah, or how they look in Instagram photos,
Facebook pictures, weddingpictures.
SPEAKER_01 (10:50):
So these are the the superficial reasons, but they're
hide behind them.
I don't think uh a mature womanwho's serious about marriage
would really reject a guy justbecause she's uh worried about
how we're gonna look onInstagram.
No, it might like she might saysomething like this, but under
it, beneath it, there are deeperreasons.
SPEAKER_00 (11:09):
Instagram's just uh just another way of illustrating
the problem.
So yeah, you're right.
It does mask the underlyingfears that girls have fear of
judgment, fear of um beingshamed by family and friends,
but also another underlying fearI feel is that you're not
meeting certain culturalexpectations.
(11:31):
Right?
Yeah.
That culturally speaking,especially in Daisy culture, the
guy has to be taller than you.
Right?
I is it the same thing in Arabculture?
I feel is this more than that?
SPEAKER_01 (11:41):
I think this is a universal, it's not just
universal thing, but uh butspecifically for our culture,
for us Muslims, like we girlsare brought up to uh like be
shy, be modest, uh be I don'tknow, quiet and whatever, and
feminine and petite andwhatever.
This like subconsciously makesyou think that a good husband is
(12:04):
should be the exact opposite ofthis.
He should be loud, he should betall, he should be strong, he
should be uh muscular.
SPEAKER_00 (12:13):
Right.
So let's list out the culturalexpectations.
The guy has to be taller thanyou, he has to be older than
you.
Older, exactly.
That's another episode we candedicate to uh age, ageism.
Yeah, the whole ageism factor.
SPEAKER_01 (12:27):
Let us know, guys, in the comments if you'd like us
to discuss this topic.
SPEAKER_00 (12:30):
But yeah, masking cultural expectations as well as
judgment.
Those those are the two bigthings that I feel people uh
that girls are saying or the tworeasons girls are saying no
because of height.
SPEAKER_01 (12:43):
Yeah, and and on and our culture as well, Arabs.
I don't know if in all like Arabcommunities or not, but usually
it's okay if the guy is darker.
SPEAKER_00 (12:53):
Really?
SPEAKER_01 (12:53):
Yes, like a guy, uh a fair-skinned guy marrying a
darker skinned girl, like looksvery weird.
Like, why did he could have donebetter?
But yeah, I can see that interms of culture.
If if the guy is darker and thewoman is uh fair skinned, that's
completely fine.
Even like even like in the uhthe um beauty criteria for
(13:16):
Arabs, a muscular, like handsomeguy is a little bit asmar,
asmarani, like um uh a littlebit dark.
This is a masculine guy, but afair-skinned guy with a blonde
hair and stuff, like he lookshandsome, but he's like um a
cutie, more like a cutie, not ahusband material.
SPEAKER_00 (13:35):
So the problem now that we're seeing with this is
that this way of thinking isresulting in people shrinking
their pool of selection.
So now, and I remember we did anentire like YouTube video about
this with the graph, and we talkabout this in our workshop,
where I basically have this kindof pie-looking thing.
(13:55):
And girls and even guys startpicking and choosing and saying,
Okay, I want someone of acertain profession, I want
someone of a certain location, Iwant someone of a certain
ethnicity.
And slowly but surely thatcircle gets smaller and smaller
and smaller until the piebecomes that pool becomes so
small that your s the selectionof people that you have is very
(14:16):
limited.
SPEAKER_01 (14:17):
It's only you and your brother ends up.
SPEAKER_00 (14:19):
Yeah.
And so height is kind of doingthe same thing, is you're just
shrinking that pool even moreand more to the point where it's
just like like the whole pointis is that and we we preached
about this almost in everyepisode.
The point is that you should becoming back to your core values.
And that as a mature personlooking to get married, you
understand what your core valuesare and understanding um or
(14:42):
allowing your core values to beyour guiding compass in finding
a spouse.
SPEAKER_01 (14:46):
And uh also it's worth mentioning that that pool
we started with in thebeginning, the big circle,
that's already a minority.
We are a minority.
So we're not starting with theentire population of Canada or
America or the UK or Germany.
SPEAKER_00 (15:00):
Canada alone, I believe, Muslim population is
five percent.
Less less than five percent.
SPEAKER_01 (15:05):
Yeah, yeah.
And out of those five percent,there are almost like half our
men, half are women.
You got the children, you gotthe the elderly, you got the
married men, you got the men whodon't want to be married.
So uh like women end upcompeting for the same 10-15% of
(15:27):
uh men who uh like uh checkcertain height, certain
education levels.
SPEAKER_00 (15:32):
So when you add the height factor, like I said, you
shrink the pool even more andyou're making the search more
difficult for yourself.
SPEAKER_01 (15:38):
And those men, the tall men, they understand their
value.
Um like I don't know how to sayquotation marks uh in audio.
So they can pick and choose,they can't.
So they they usually delaymarriage, they usually ghost
more, they're usually lessserious, they have way more
options.
SPEAKER_00 (15:55):
Well, I we don't want to pass a judgment on all
tall men, but but that that isyeah, I can see that happening.
SPEAKER_01 (16:00):
They recognize that uh they have something that most
men don't have.
Yeah.
So they have more options.
SPEAKER_00 (16:06):
Yeah.
And if you combine that with asuccessful career and you know,
a healthy weight and they go tothe gym, oh, they definitely got
options then.
SPEAKER_01 (16:15):
So you're not the only one chasing this guy,
sister.
SPEAKER_00 (16:17):
Yeah.
What we want for you guys, deepdown, is for you to make your
search as easy as possible whilestaying within the parameters of
Islam.
And the Prophet is in hisSunnah, there's so many examples
of this that we've uh you knowexplained in previous episodes
that whenever he would speak tohis companions about marriage,
(16:38):
he would find ways to make iteasier for them.
You know, whether they werecompanions in uh extreme luxury
and they were rich or thepoorest of the poor, he would
always try to make the thejourney of ease for them.
SPEAKER_01 (16:51):
SubhanAllah, you know, just And we do the
opposite.
We do just mentioning this thisreminds me of um a story from
the Sunnah.
Where so there's a Sahabi IbnMas'ud, he was known to be um a
short man and petite as well.
He like he had a fragile body.
And the sahaba, one one time hewas with the sahaba and he had
(17:12):
to like climb a tree orsomething, and the sahaba made
fun of him, like the windrevealed his uh his leg, and
they saw how like thin it was,and sahaba made fun of him
jokingly.
So the Prophet got mad and he'slike, this leg that you're
joking that you're making fun ofis worth I can't remember what
he said, but is worth so much inthe eyes of Allah subhanahu wa
(17:36):
ta'ala.
SPEAKER_00 (17:37):
I believe he was known for his uh understanding
of the Quran.
SPEAKER_01 (17:41):
His recitation, his recitation, subhanAllah.
Dear sisters, a taller mandoesn't mean a man with better
khiwama.
A taller man doesn't mean abetter leader.
He could be a great leader, thetall this tall guy, and the
shorter guy can also be a greatleader.
Height has nothing to do withit.
So we just need to dismantlethis whatever psychological
(18:03):
thing we have in our in ourminds about the correlation
between the height and thequality of man.
Not even in ten years, in threeyears, two years of marriage,
his height isn't gonna make adifference to you.
Yeah, what's gonna make adifference is how he treats you.
How like is he respectful?
Is he kind?
Does he keep his promises?
Is he a good provider?
Is he a good father?
(18:25):
Does he get along well with yourfamily?
Yeah, that's what's gonnamatter.
SPEAKER_00 (18:29):
I think the important thing to do is to have
a shift in the way you approacha potential spouse, in the way
you understand what will make acompatible spouse.
And one question that you shouldask yourself is instead of how
does he look in pictures, howwould he look in social media or
(18:49):
in marriage pictures, uh, doeshe to look tall next to me?
Instead ask yourself, can Ibuild a life with him?
Yes.
Does he carry the core valuesthat I'm looking for?
Yeah.
Is he going to be respectful andunderstanding of the decisions,
like for example, if you're acareer-oriented woman or if you
want to homeschool yourchildren, will be will he be
(19:10):
respectful of those decisions?
Yeah.
So those are the importantthings to be looking for, and it
is a matter of a matter whetherhe's short or tall, those things
do not correlate with corevalues.
SPEAKER_01 (19:22):
You know what?
Uh it just occurred to me thereason I might feel stronger
about this than you is becauseas a person with disability who
did not choose to be born withit, I faced my fair share of
judgment.
And I was passed and rejectedand ignored based on something
that I was born with.
I'm not saying being short is adisability or anything, but it's
(19:45):
something that's completely outof your control.
So it bothers me.
Like, for example, we have thisgreat guy on our database.
He's such a great guy.
He's success, super successful,he's super handsome, mashallah.
Much older.
He's so.
The age group he's in, we have alot of girls who are looking for
a guy in this age group.
(20:06):
He's single, never married.
He's very fit and like he'severything you want in a man,
but he's on the shorter side.
I think he's like five, two.
SPEAKER_00 (20:16):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (20:17):
And no girl so far has given him a chance.
And these girls we're talkingabout, like they cross the
average marriage age.
Yet they're still notconsidering him.
And it bothers me.
Like, why?
SPEAKER_00 (20:30):
Yeah, the part that does bother me a little bit is
not at least giving him achance.
Like I could understand if yougot you saw the whole package,
right?
You learned about his values,his expectations, his deal
breakers, all of those things,and then you took into account
his height, and then you saidno, okay.
(20:53):
Yes.
But then some girls, yeah, likeyou said, just don't get past
the height.
SPEAKER_01 (20:58):
Don't and and also, like, he's so funny.
SPEAKER_00 (21:01):
But yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (21:02):
Like, I don't know.
It does bother me.
I put myself in the shoes of theguy and like he really wants to
get married, and he's fine ifthe woman, like he's fine if the
woman passed the age where shecan have children.
He's in his late forties, but noone's giving him a chance.
SPEAKER_00 (21:21):
If you're overwhelmed and burdened and
just don't know where to seekhelp, let us help you.
We can be your personalmatchmakers.
Visit us at halalmatch.ca andbook a free call with us.
So, needless to say, thecommunity plays a significant
role in helping single Muslimsget married.
The masjid, the community,aunties and uncles, it's like
(21:43):
the saying goes, it takes avillage, right?
And that's not just raisingchildren, but that's also
finding compatible spouses.
So, number one, stop usingheight as some sort of
superficial indicator of a goodspouse.
Um, you know, for a man, yes, heneeds to be the protector, he
needs to be the financialprovider, he needs to have
(22:05):
certain masculine traits, butthat has nothing to do with
height.
So there are plenty of men thatare shorter that have the
qualities that the Prophet talksabout in many of his hadith that
uh qualify them to be a goodmatch.
Secondly, raise boys withconfidence.
(22:26):
If they end up being short,that's okay.
But don't feel uh don't raisethem in a way that they have to
compensate for that.
SPEAKER_01 (22:33):
Exactly, exactly.
Yeah.
If your daughter shows interestin a guy who's shorter, don't
start like talking her out of itand just what will people say?
What will aunties say?
I think you can find someonebetter.
Like, are you sure?
Like, don't do that.
SPEAKER_00 (22:48):
We have to do away with these cultural and
superficial expectations formarriage.
SPEAKER_01 (22:52):
They have nothing to do with the deal.
SPEAKER_00 (22:54):
Marriage is becoming harder and harder.
I mean, finding a spouse isbecoming harder and harder.
Yeah.
And this just this kind ofmentality just makes it even
harder.
SPEAKER_01 (23:03):
Yeah.
Encourage her.
On the contrary, don't even lookat the height, don't mention the
height.
It's not worth mentioning.
SPEAKER_00 (23:10):
Right.
Girls, we want to hear from youmainly, more so than the guys.
Does hype matter to you?
Is it a strong factor whenconsidering a potential spouse?
And why?
And why?
Remember, we don't judge, wedon't change, we don't do any of
those things.
We just simply want to learn.
We want to hear from you guys.
So let us know why hype matters.
(23:30):
And um, you know, the more youguys give us feedback, the more
we can give back to you guys.
So feel free to comment.
And also, guys, have you beenrejected because of your height?
Are you on the shorter side?
Let us know.
Uh, what is what was thatexperience like?
And um, until next time.
Yeah, salam.
Every time a sister tells me I just can't marry
someone shorter than me, Ialways ask one question.
Why?
And the silence that followssays more than any high
difference ever could.
Asalamu alaikum, I'm Hibah.
SPEAKER_00 (00:13):
And I'm Zayd.
SPEAKER_01 (00:13):
You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
SPEAKER_00 (00:16):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
SPEAKER_01 (00:19):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
SPEAKER_00 (00:23):
So let's dive in.
Bismaker.
Assalamu alaikum, everyone.
Welcome to another episode.
SPEAKER_01 (00:30):
Assalamu alaikum, Hiba and Zayd here.
SPEAKER_00 (00:33):
Yes, that's us.
So when you saw my prepmatrimonial profile and you were
going through, and I'm sure allgirls, you know, they go through
the picture, they go through thedetails, profession, things like
that.
Did you pay attention to myheight?
Um, in fact, was my height evenon my profile?
SPEAKER_01 (00:49):
I can't remember.
I can't remember honestly if itwas there, if I looked at it, I
can't remember.
SPEAKER_00 (00:55):
Okay.
Um, but I'm sure uh you wantedsomebody even then or even now,
like God forbid we start overagain, start searching.
You want someone that you canlook up to, right?
Somebody that you can like thatrelieves that psychological
factor, right?
Like a leader by naturally issomebody that is tall.
(01:16):
No.
SPEAKER_01 (01:17):
No.
SPEAKER_00 (01:18):
Usually, usually psychologically speaking.
SPEAKER_01 (01:20):
No, I completely disagree.
SPEAKER_00 (01:23):
Okay.
In most cases in history, Ithink leaders were pretty tall.
SPEAKER_01 (01:28):
How would you know?
How would we know?
SPEAKER_00 (01:29):
What do you mean, how would we know?
SPEAKER_01 (01:31):
There wasn't any photography, any videography,
nothing.
SPEAKER_00 (01:35):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (01:35):
This is how they're portrayed.
But is it true?
We don't know.
SPEAKER_00 (01:40):
Okay.
But I think psychologicallyspeaking, a woman does want
somebody that they can look upto, somebody that is tall,
strong, so you say you'reconfusing two things.
SPEAKER_01 (01:49):
Women do want somebody uh who they can look up
to.
SPEAKER_00 (01:52):
Yes, and that gets naturally associated with
leadership.
SPEAKER_01 (01:55):
So yes.
Yes here, up till here we'reagreeing.
Okay.
But when you start connectingleadership and um what else did
you say?
Looking up to someone, when youassociate that with height,
that's where we disagree.
So just like some background forthis topic.
So, alhamdulillah, we've beendoing this work for more than
four years now, and we've talkedto a lot of people.
SPEAKER_00 (02:18):
Hundreds.
SPEAKER_01 (02:18):
Hundreds of people.
SPEAKER_00 (02:19):
We're getting, I'd say we're pretty close to the
thousands now.
SPEAKER_01 (02:22):
Yeah, maybe we crossed it, maybe not.
I don't know.
But we've spoken to a lot ofgirls in uh different age
groups, and this is somethingthat always keeps coming up
height.
SPEAKER_02 (02:32):
Height.
SPEAKER_01 (02:33):
And it frustrates me personally because I feel a lot
I see a lot of good guys whodon't even get a chance just
because of their height, who getjudged based on something that's
completely out of their control.
And on the other hand, you seegirls who reach the age of like
late 30s, mid-40s, even we sawmid-40s, who still refuse to
(02:54):
consider a guy who's reallygood, successful, funny, great
personality, good values, buthe's shorter than them.
Like they don't even give it asecond to think about it.
So you prefer to grow old aloneand miss out on the opportunity
of building a family and havinga companion just because of
(03:16):
height?
SPEAKER_00 (03:17):
See, I think I think you're overlooking something,
which is the physicalattraction.
I feel that height is what guysfeel like about when it comes to
weight.
Now, uh granted, weight issomething that can be controlled
in most cases, unless it's agenetic factor.
But in most cases, yes, weightcan be controlled.
(03:37):
But it feels like the same thingthat you can't feel attracted to
like with most guys generally,you can they don't feel an
attraction to somebody who'soverweight.
With girls, I feel that theyjust don't feel an attraction to
somebody that is shorter thanthem.
SPEAKER_01 (03:54):
I agree, I disagree.
I I do agree that attraction.
No, no, I do agree thatattraction plays a big role, and
of course, you can't like marrysomeone you're not attracted to,
right?
But I don't see a correlationbetween height and attraction.
I mean, you're sitting down atdinner for dinner, you're laying
down on the couch, you'rewatching a movie.
(04:16):
You're looking at their face,you're not looking at their
height.
Like, what difference whenyou're sitting down for dinner
does this have to do withanything?
SPEAKER_00 (04:22):
It's not about that.
It's about when you're going outin public.
SPEAKER_01 (04:25):
Ah, you see?
It's about what people think,what people say.
SPEAKER_00 (04:28):
Yeah, I think that plays a part.
Like, yes, uh, you know, thewhole Instagram effect and what
people think that can be a bitdetrimental.
But at the same time, like Iwould think if I was to marry or
consider a girl that wasoverweight, in the back of my
mind, I would be thinking, howwould we look in pictures?
How would we look in public?
Like me holding the hand ofsomebody that's that weighs more
(04:52):
than me.
I know I sound very shallow.
SPEAKER_01 (04:55):
No, no, two things.
First of all, weight is linkedto health.
You want somebody who has ahealthy weight, who's like who's
gonna be healthy, right?
SPEAKER_00 (05:07):
Of course.
SPEAKER_01 (05:08):
Weight also managing your weight and being fit, that
uh shows a great deal ofdiscipline and uh respecting the
amana that Allah gave you, whichis our health, our body.
Uh I understand that.
And weight also affects how theperson looks, like their their
features, their face.
You can see the differencebetween a chubby person and
(05:29):
after they lose weight, how theylook completely different,
right?
Uh also in terms of intimacy andall of that.
But what does height have to dowith anything?
It has nothing to do withhealth.
You know what?
Yesterday I asked you a questionand you started answering, and
then I said, don't answer.
I want to hear your fresh takeon this while we record, when we
(05:49):
record.
Okay, well.
So I'll ask you again.
Which do you think is moreacceptable?
A girl rejecting a man becausehe's shorter than her, or
rejecting a man because he's ina wheelchair?
SPEAKER_00 (06:03):
Um socially acceptable, I would say
rejecting a man who is in awheelchair.
SPEAKER_01 (06:16):
Why?
SPEAKER_00 (06:19):
Okay, maybe not socially acceptable, but would
make more sense.
SPEAKER_01 (06:22):
Okay.
SPEAKER_00 (06:23):
And also understanding what would result
in more shame.
Because you would definitely getI think you would get blasted
and shamed if you rejectedsomebody in the in a wheelchair,
right?
SPEAKER_01 (06:33):
That's a good point.
Which is yeah, which is moreshameful, like as terrible, as
horrible as it sounds, justsaying that.
But I'm just trying to go to theextreme for the extreme.
SPEAKER_00 (06:42):
Yeah, so which is more shameful?
I would say, yeah, rejectingsomebody in a wheelchair.
SPEAKER_01 (06:46):
Okay, because why?
SPEAKER_00 (06:48):
I don't know.
Because they're in acircumstance that is in that is
beyond their control.
SPEAKER_01 (06:54):
Exactly.
Right.
You just you just hammered onthe point I was trying to make.
It's completely out of yourcontrol.
But for some reason, we feel asense of pity for a man who's in
a wheelchair.
But a man who's born shorter,it's much easier to like to
reject him.
It's more socially acceptable tothe other.
SPEAKER_00 (07:15):
There's two separate things.
What is more shameful and whatmakes more sense?
SPEAKER_01 (07:19):
Okay, so what which one would make more sense?
SPEAKER_00 (07:22):
Um rejecting somebody in a wheelchair makes
more sense because um thatrequires more responsibility,
then that comes with the burdenof taking care of them,
intimacy, all of those factorscome into play.
So naturally you're gonna bethinking about, you know,
long-term, you know, how how canyou build a life with this
(07:42):
person 20, 30 years from now?
So it makes more sense to rejectsomebody that's in a wheelchair.
SPEAKER_01 (07:49):
Okay, I guess.
But I feel that us as acommunity, and unfortunately I
feel this is more common in theMuslim community, we judge
people before giving them achance.
So, like for example, if we saythat no, I can't marry a man
who's shorter than me, I can'tmarry a man who's on a who's in
a wheelchair, we'reinadvertently saying that a
(08:10):
shorter man should only marry awoman who's his height or
shorter.
A man in a wheelchair shouldonly be considered by a woman in
a wheelchair or even worseconditions.
So, what does this say about ourcommunity?
What about like what about theperson, the personality, the the
deen, the akhlak, the success,the what about some things
(08:34):
matter more to girls thanothers.
SPEAKER_00 (08:35):
Like, I remember one girl, uh the super successful
one neurologist, she was sherejected.
I'm like before we could evenmove ahead with the presentation
of the match, once she heard theheight, she said no.
Because and I remember herwords, she said, um, and she
even apologized for it.
She's like, I'm sorry, I justthat's just one thing I can't
get over.
SPEAKER_01 (08:56):
Yeah, and but when you ask them, ask them why they
can't articulate.
SPEAKER_00 (09:00):
And that that proves my point.
SPEAKER_01 (09:02):
Okay, so why do you think women say no to a shorter
man?
SPEAKER_00 (09:07):
Why do I think I think girls deep down need
somebody that, like I said inthe beginning, they need
somebody that they can look upto, and so height automatically
gets associated with protection.
Height gets associated with thisneed to look socially
compatible, so they want to lookpretty with their heels and the
(09:28):
and they want to um look goodwhen they go out, so that you
know the husband is the theprotector hovering over them,
and so they feel like there'sthis shroud of protection when
they're gonna be able to dothat.
What is it?
SPEAKER_01 (09:39):
Do we live in the jungle or what?
SPEAKER_00 (09:41):
I'm just just thinking outside of the box.
And maybe they just don't feelfeminine enough next to a
partner.
I don't know.
That's something that you canelaborate more on.
SPEAKER_01 (09:49):
Okay, I I feel these reasons you mentioned they are
just um cover-up.
SPEAKER_00 (09:55):
For what?
SPEAKER_01 (09:56):
For something deeper.
Height becomes a shortcut foremotional security and emotional
availability.
So women deep down might thinkthat a shorter uh uh taller guy
is more emotionally available.
Also, wanting a taller guy couldhide things that women will not
admit out loud.
(10:17):
Something like, I don't know,I'm afraid to be j I don't want
to be judged by my family.
I don't want to hear commentsfrom an auntie.
I don't want to look like Isettled.
SPEAKER_00 (10:27):
Yeah, or look awkward in photos.
Exactly.
SPEAKER_01 (10:29):
But is it true?
Is it true that if you marry a ashorter guy, this means you
settled?
This means you're a loser.
SPEAKER_00 (10:37):
I think that's a bit of an extreme way of thinking.
Yeah, I guess.
SPEAKER_01 (10:41):
I think it is it is there, subconsciously it is
there.
SPEAKER_00 (10:44):
Yeah, or how they look in Instagram photos,
Facebook pictures, weddingpictures.
SPEAKER_01 (10:50):
So these are the the superficial reasons, but they're
hide behind them.
I don't think uh a mature womanwho's serious about marriage
would really reject a guy justbecause she's uh worried about
how we're gonna look onInstagram.
No, it might like she might saysomething like this, but under
it, beneath it, there are deeperreasons.
SPEAKER_00 (11:09):
Instagram's just uh just another way of illustrating
the problem.
So yeah, you're right.
It does mask the underlyingfears that girls have fear of
judgment, fear of um beingshamed by family and friends,
but also another underlying fearI feel is that you're not
meeting certain culturalexpectations.
(11:31):
Right?
Yeah.
That culturally speaking,especially in Daisy culture, the
guy has to be taller than you.
Right?
I is it the same thing in Arabculture?
I feel is this more than that?
SPEAKER_01 (11:41):
I think this is a universal, it's not just
universal thing, but uh butspecifically for our culture,
for us Muslims, like we girlsare brought up to uh like be
shy, be modest, uh be I don'tknow, quiet and whatever, and
feminine and petite andwhatever.
This like subconsciously makesyou think that a good husband is
(12:04):
should be the exact opposite ofthis.
He should be loud, he should betall, he should be strong, he
should be uh muscular.
SPEAKER_00 (12:13):
Right.
So let's list out the culturalexpectations.
The guy has to be taller thanyou, he has to be older than
you.
Older, exactly.
That's another episode we candedicate to uh age, ageism.
Yeah, the whole ageism factor.
SPEAKER_01 (12:27):
Let us know, guys, in the comments if you'd like us
to discuss this topic.
SPEAKER_00 (12:30):
But yeah, masking cultural expectations as well as
judgment.
Those those are the two bigthings that I feel people uh
that girls are saying or the tworeasons girls are saying no
because of height.
SPEAKER_01 (12:43):
Yeah, and and on and our culture as well, Arabs.
I don't know if in all like Arabcommunities or not, but usually
it's okay if the guy is darker.
SPEAKER_00 (12:53):
Really?
SPEAKER_01 (12:53):
Yes, like a guy, uh a fair-skinned guy marrying a
darker skinned girl, like looksvery weird.
Like, why did he could have donebetter?
But yeah, I can see that interms of culture.
If if the guy is darker and thewoman is uh fair skinned, that's
completely fine.
Even like even like in the uhthe um beauty criteria for
(13:16):
Arabs, a muscular, like handsomeguy is a little bit asmar,
asmarani, like um uh a littlebit dark.
This is a masculine guy, but afair-skinned guy with a blonde
hair and stuff, like he lookshandsome, but he's like um a
cutie, more like a cutie, not ahusband material.
SPEAKER_00 (13:35):
So the problem now that we're seeing with this is
that this way of thinking isresulting in people shrinking
their pool of selection.
So now, and I remember we did anentire like YouTube video about
this with the graph, and we talkabout this in our workshop,
where I basically have this kindof pie-looking thing.
(13:55):
And girls and even guys startpicking and choosing and saying,
Okay, I want someone of acertain profession, I want
someone of a certain location, Iwant someone of a certain
ethnicity.
And slowly but surely thatcircle gets smaller and smaller
and smaller until the piebecomes that pool becomes so
small that your s the selectionof people that you have is very
(14:16):
limited.
SPEAKER_01 (14:17):
It's only you and your brother ends up.
SPEAKER_00 (14:19):
Yeah.
And so height is kind of doingthe same thing, is you're just
shrinking that pool even moreand more to the point where it's
just like like the whole pointis is that and we we preached
about this almost in everyepisode.
The point is that you should becoming back to your core values.
And that as a mature personlooking to get married, you
understand what your core valuesare and understanding um or
(14:42):
allowing your core values to beyour guiding compass in finding
a spouse.
SPEAKER_01 (14:46):
And uh also it's worth mentioning that that pool
we started with in thebeginning, the big circle,
that's already a minority.
We are a minority.
So we're not starting with theentire population of Canada or
America or the UK or Germany.
SPEAKER_00 (15:00):
Canada alone, I believe, Muslim population is
five percent.
Less less than five percent.
SPEAKER_01 (15:05):
Yeah, yeah.
And out of those five percent,there are almost like half our
men, half are women.
You got the children, you gotthe the elderly, you got the
married men, you got the men whodon't want to be married.
So uh like women end upcompeting for the same 10-15% of
(15:27):
uh men who uh like uh checkcertain height, certain
education levels.
SPEAKER_00 (15:32):
So when you add the height factor, like I said, you
shrink the pool even more andyou're making the search more
difficult for yourself.
SPEAKER_01 (15:38):
And those men, the tall men, they understand their
value.
Um like I don't know how to sayquotation marks uh in audio.
So they can pick and choose,they can't.
So they they usually delaymarriage, they usually ghost
more, they're usually lessserious, they have way more
options.
SPEAKER_00 (15:55):
Well, I we don't want to pass a judgment on all
tall men, but but that that isyeah, I can see that happening.
SPEAKER_01 (16:00):
They recognize that uh they have something that most
men don't have.
Yeah.
So they have more options.
SPEAKER_00 (16:06):
Yeah.
And if you combine that with asuccessful career and you know,
a healthy weight and they go tothe gym, oh, they definitely got
options then.
SPEAKER_01 (16:15):
So you're not the only one chasing this guy,
sister.
SPEAKER_00 (16:17):
Yeah.
What we want for you guys, deepdown, is for you to make your
search as easy as possible whilestaying within the parameters of
Islam.
And the Prophet is in hisSunnah, there's so many examples
of this that we've uh you knowexplained in previous episodes
that whenever he would speak tohis companions about marriage,
(16:38):
he would find ways to make iteasier for them.
You know, whether they werecompanions in uh extreme luxury
and they were rich or thepoorest of the poor, he would
always try to make the thejourney of ease for them.
SPEAKER_01 (16:51):
SubhanAllah, you know, just And we do the
opposite.
We do just mentioning this thisreminds me of um a story from
the Sunnah.
Where so there's a Sahabi IbnMas'ud, he was known to be um a
short man and petite as well.
He like he had a fragile body.
And the sahaba, one one time hewas with the sahaba and he had
(17:12):
to like climb a tree orsomething, and the sahaba made
fun of him, like the windrevealed his uh his leg, and
they saw how like thin it was,and sahaba made fun of him
jokingly.
So the Prophet got mad and he'slike, this leg that you're
joking that you're making fun ofis worth I can't remember what
he said, but is worth so much inthe eyes of Allah subhanahu wa
(17:36):
ta'ala.
SPEAKER_00 (17:37):
I believe he was known for his uh understanding
of the Quran.
SPEAKER_01 (17:41):
His recitation, his recitation, subhanAllah.
Dear sisters, a taller mandoesn't mean a man with better
khiwama.
A taller man doesn't mean abetter leader.
He could be a great leader, thetall this tall guy, and the
shorter guy can also be a greatleader.
Height has nothing to do withit.
So we just need to dismantlethis whatever psychological
(18:03):
thing we have in our in ourminds about the correlation
between the height and thequality of man.
Not even in ten years, in threeyears, two years of marriage,
his height isn't gonna make adifference to you.
Yeah, what's gonna make adifference is how he treats you.
How like is he respectful?
Is he kind?
Does he keep his promises?
Is he a good provider?
Is he a good father?
(18:25):
Does he get along well with yourfamily?
Yeah, that's what's gonnamatter.
SPEAKER_00 (18:29):
I think the important thing to do is to have
a shift in the way you approacha potential spouse, in the way
you understand what will make acompatible spouse.
And one question that you shouldask yourself is instead of how
does he look in pictures, howwould he look in social media or
(18:49):
in marriage pictures, uh, doeshe to look tall next to me?
Instead ask yourself, can Ibuild a life with him?
Yes.
Does he carry the core valuesthat I'm looking for?
Yeah.
Is he going to be respectful andunderstanding of the decisions,
like for example, if you're acareer-oriented woman or if you
want to homeschool yourchildren, will be will he be
(19:10):
respectful of those decisions?
Yeah.
So those are the importantthings to be looking for, and it
is a matter of a matter whetherhe's short or tall, those things
do not correlate with corevalues.
SPEAKER_01 (19:22):
You know what?
Uh it just occurred to me thereason I might feel stronger
about this than you is becauseas a person with disability who
did not choose to be born withit, I faced my fair share of
judgment.
And I was passed and rejectedand ignored based on something
that I was born with.
I'm not saying being short is adisability or anything, but it's
(19:45):
something that's completely outof your control.
So it bothers me.
Like, for example, we have thisgreat guy on our database.
He's such a great guy.
He's success, super successful,he's super handsome, mashallah.
Much older.
He's so.
The age group he's in, we have alot of girls who are looking for
a guy in this age group.
(20:06):
He's single, never married.
He's very fit and like he'severything you want in a man,
but he's on the shorter side.
I think he's like five, two.
SPEAKER_00 (20:16):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (20:17):
And no girl so far has given him a chance.
And these girls we're talkingabout, like they cross the
average marriage age.
Yet they're still notconsidering him.
And it bothers me.
Like, why?
SPEAKER_00 (20:30):
Yeah, the part that does bother me a little bit is
not at least giving him achance.
Like I could understand if yougot you saw the whole package,
right?
You learned about his values,his expectations, his deal
breakers, all of those things,and then you took into account
his height, and then you saidno, okay.
(20:53):
Yes.
But then some girls, yeah, likeyou said, just don't get past
the height.
SPEAKER_01 (20:58):
Don't and and also, like, he's so funny.
SPEAKER_00 (21:01):
But yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (21:02):
Like, I don't know.
It does bother me.
I put myself in the shoes of theguy and like he really wants to
get married, and he's fine ifthe woman, like he's fine if the
woman passed the age where shecan have children.
He's in his late forties, but noone's giving him a chance.
SPEAKER_00 (21:21):
If you're overwhelmed and burdened and
just don't know where to seekhelp, let us help you.
We can be your personalmatchmakers.
Visit us at halalmatch.ca andbook a free call with us.
So, needless to say, thecommunity plays a significant
role in helping single Muslimsget married.
The masjid, the community,aunties and uncles, it's like
(21:43):
the saying goes, it takes avillage, right?
And that's not just raisingchildren, but that's also
finding compatible spouses.
So, number one, stop usingheight as some sort of
superficial indicator of a goodspouse.
Um, you know, for a man, yes, heneeds to be the protector, he
needs to be the financialprovider, he needs to have
(22:05):
certain masculine traits, butthat has nothing to do with
height.
So there are plenty of men thatare shorter that have the
qualities that the Prophet talksabout in many of his hadith that
uh qualify them to be a goodmatch.
Secondly, raise boys withconfidence.
(22:26):
If they end up being short,that's okay.
But don't feel uh don't raisethem in a way that they have to
compensate for that.
SPEAKER_01 (22:33):
Exactly, exactly.
Yeah.
If your daughter shows interestin a guy who's shorter, don't
start like talking her out of itand just what will people say?
What will aunties say?
I think you can find someonebetter.
Like, are you sure?
Like, don't do that.
SPEAKER_00 (22:48):
We have to do away with these cultural and
superficial expectations formarriage.
SPEAKER_01 (22:52):
They have nothing to do with the deal.
SPEAKER_00 (22:54):
Marriage is becoming harder and harder.
I mean, finding a spouse isbecoming harder and harder.
Yeah.
And this just this kind ofmentality just makes it even
harder.
SPEAKER_01 (23:03):
Yeah.
Encourage her.
On the contrary, don't even lookat the height, don't mention the
height.
It's not worth mentioning.
SPEAKER_00 (23:10):
Right.
Girls, we want to hear from youmainly, more so than the guys.
Does hype matter to you?
Is it a strong factor whenconsidering a potential spouse?
And why?
And why?
Remember, we don't judge, wedon't change, we don't do any of
those things.
We just simply want to learn.
We want to hear from you guys.
So let us know why hype matters.
(23:30):
And um, you know, the more youguys give us feedback, the more
we can give back to you guys.
So feel free to comment.
And also, guys, have you beenrejected because of your height?
Are you on the shorter side?
Let us know.
Uh, what is what was thatexperience like?
And um, until next time.
Yeah, salam.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
My Favorite Murder with Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark
My Favorite Murder is a true crime comedy podcast hosted by Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark. Each week, Karen and Georgia share compelling true crimes and hometown stories from friends and listeners. Since MFM launched in January of 2016, Karen and Georgia have shared their lifelong interest in true crime and have covered stories of infamous serial killers like the Night Stalker, mysterious cold cases, captivating cults, incredible survivor stories and important events from history like the Tulsa race massacre of 1921. My Favorite Murder is part of the Exactly Right podcast network that provides a platform for bold, creative voices to bring to life provocative, entertaining and relatable stories for audiences everywhere. The Exactly Right roster of podcasts covers a variety of topics including historic true crime, comedic interviews and news, science, pop culture and more. Podcasts on the network include Buried Bones with Kate Winkler Dawson and Paul Holes, That's Messed Up: An SVU Podcast, This Podcast Will Kill You, Bananas and more.