September 21, 2025 • 42 mins
“Men only care about looks.” “Women only care about money.” Sound bites like these have turned the Muslim marriage search into a battle of stereotypes. But are men really afraid of commitment? Are women really desperate for it?
In this episode, we call out the misconceptions that pit men and women against each other and dig into how they’re sabotaging real connections. We also ask tougher questions: does being “religious” automatically make someone a good spouse, or are we ignoring qualities like emotional maturity and communication?
If you’re tired of shallow labels and gender wars, this conversation will challenge what you think you know about the opposite gender, and maybe even how you see yourself.
If something we said made you think, laugh, or feel seen, leave us a rating and review! It helps more people find the show. And hey, if you know someone who needs to hear this episode, send it their way. Sharing is caring!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
And I'm Zaid.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
So let's dive in.
Bismillah, Assalamu alaikumeveryone.
Welcome back to another episode.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Yeah, assalamu alaikum, we're back with another
week, a new topic.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Yeah, rejections is something we've talked a lot
about in the past.
I constantly share my personalexperiences and you can't help
but to form some sort of, somesense of uh, misconceptions
because of all these rejectionsthat happen right and with and
with me.
(00:45):
After nine years, I got thisunderstanding that girls were
just looking for money and thatgirls were very shallow
sometimes and that if I wasn'tliving up to a certain standard,
which was the doctor, lawyer,engineer kind of equation
earning six figures, then Iprobably wouldn't get married.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Though at that stage they weren't misconceptions.
They were conceptions.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
They were yes, yes, that's a better way to put it.
They were conceptual, butconceptions formed based on my
experiences.
And you can't help but to feelthat way, and I'm sure a lot of
people feel the same way.
After they go through years andyears and years of rejections
that they've certain theydevelop certain conceptions
based on their experiences.
(01:33):
But your premarital journeydidn't go that long, but did you
have some kind ofmisconceptions or conceptions?
Speaker 1 (01:42):
I had some conceptions.
Of course, yeah, like, whatLike?
For example, guys go for theprettiest girls.
If you're not pretty, you don'tstand a chance.
Speaker 3 (01:57):
See, you just proved it and that's why you married me
, okay, okay I don't know thatum guys are controlling and
maybe it's because of theenvironment I come from, from
the middle east.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Now, those were some fears and some conceptions I had
.
But uh, that's, that's, that'sthe thing.
Each one of us based on theirown experiences, their own I
never, I'm never able topronounce this word properly
Upbringing, upbringing Based ontheir upbringing and their
environment.
They form ideas and sometimesthey could be based on some
(02:37):
history, some stories, somethings they've read right.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
But it's not just coming from their upbringing, it
also comes from theirexperiences mainly rejections,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
But the danger is when we start generalizing and
when we start exaggerating andjust throwing these labels.
All men are like this.
All women are like this.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
Right, so let's go through a list of a few common
misconceptions.
All right, so number one,probably the most famous that
everybody says is that men onlywant beauty, women only want
money, and there is truth tothat, I think.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Like we said, all of them.
They don't come from nothing,Exactly.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
And based on my personal experience, yes, I've
seen a lot of those cases andbased on my personal experience,
yes, I've seen a lot of thosecases, and not just from girls,
but from parents too thatfinancial stability is one thing
, but an unrealistic expectationor trying to live up to a
certain standard, whether it'scultural or whatever, like you
said, it's not coming from avacuum.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
Right, but does it mean that all girls are like
this, all families are like this?
Speaker 2 (03:45):
No, I mean alhamdulillah, you and that all
girls are like this, allfamilies are like this.
No, I mean, alhamdulillah, youand your family aren't like this
.
But from my personalexperiences, I would say eight
to 8.5 cases that I ran into,whether it was on matrimonial
websites, whether they wereintroductions to families, they
were under this umbrella.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Are we here to reaffirm misconceptions or to
debunk them?
Speaker 2 (04:11):
I'm speaking the truth.
I'm speaking from my personalexperiences.
So if that's reaffirming,debunking, whatever it is, I'm
going to keep it real.
But the fact that I marriedsomebody who isn't like that is
kind of debunking the myth.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
But I'm not a rare case.
Okay, listen to listen to me.
Don't listen to this guy.
Guys and girls, listen to me ifyou see happy marriages around
you.
If you see happy couples aroundyou and successful marriages
around you, this means thatthese misconceptions are not
true, or are not entirely true.
(04:44):
So you don't have to agree withyou.
I said don't listen to himRight.
So, so don't don't think thathappy marriages and successful
marriages are a rare case.
There are good guys, there aregood girls, but there are some,
like we said, somemisconceptions that are based on
some experiences.
That's my take on it.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
Like I said, I'm going to keep it real, okay.
So I'm not painting marriage asdoom and gloom.
It's not.
Not every girl is shallow,right, because obviously I found
somebody who isn't.
But then the question is, aregirls generally like that?
I haven't spoken to every girlon the planet, so I'm just
talking from personalexperiences that yes, there are
(05:28):
girls.
I mean, I can still recall andI had that email for years, that
email where I think I reachedout to a girl after a
matrimonial event or um, maybeit was on hud, I think it was
after a matrimonial event uh,saying that you know I was
interested in whatever, whatever.
(05:49):
And she replied saying, um,sorry, my parents are looking
for somebody who is morefinancially stable.
And she specifically said Ithink I showed you this email
doctor, engineer, lawyer,something like that, and I'm
like, and this was years into mysearch and it was just this
constant reminder and constant,consistent pattern of girls
(06:14):
seeking these things, orsometimes hiding behind their
parents because they lack thecourage to say it themselves.
So again, the question is aregirls generally like this or are
they not?
Speaker 1 (06:26):
My belief is generally girls are not like
this and generally guys are notjust looking for beauty, but
some bad apples ruin it foreveryone.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
That's true.
I guess that's a good way toput it.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
You know what.
When I hear you say this it youknow what.
When I hear you say this, youknow what I remember.
I remember clients or potentialclients who, when we ask them,
are you open for to otherethnicities, they say yeah, but
not this x ethnicity.
I don't want anyone from this xethnicity.
They're all like this orthey're known for being like
(07:00):
this, and that's not fair I dorecall cases like that, but
that's usually I don't know.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
Sometimes it's because of a lack of physical
attraction to that specificethnicity, or b is because
they've had such a badexperience with that specific
ethnic background that they'regeneralizing.
Exactly yes, exactly so it'sour experiences, okay.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Well, girls, when it comes to girls, girls feel that
guys, like I said, and I hadthis thought before guys only go
go for the prettiest girls.
If you're not fair, if you arenot slim, if you are not tall,
then you don't stand a chance.
If you have some I don't knowpimples, or you don't have the
(07:48):
prettiest eyes, or you have Idon't know whatever, you have a
big nose or whatever, you don'tstand a chance.
And that's why a lot of girlsend up using filters on their
profile pictures or some girlseven take it to the extreme of
uh plastic surgery or using likeuh whitening creams to like
(08:09):
lighten their skin tone right.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
So I mean, yes, social media does play a part
and the makeup and the tons ofmakeup, like guys say.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Why girls wear so much makeup?
Because they think makeup makesthem look prettier and this
would make them more attractiveto guys but then the question is
are they doing what isgenerally expected of them?
What do you mean?
Speaker 2 (08:35):
right.
If the guys are searching forpretty girls, then aren't they
just doing what's expected ofthem?
Speaker 1 (08:43):
Because they think they are making themselves
prettier, they are raising theirstakes.
You see, it's a vicious cycle.
It's a vicious cycle, but notall guys.
Sometimes, you see, I don'tknow an average looking girl
with a very handsome guy.
So what does this prove?
(09:04):
It proves that no, a lot ofguys see inner beauty before
they look at the outside beauty.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
So where does this come from?
So the thing that we can'toverlook is how this is really
rooted, partly rooted, but alsocemented by tv shows.
Yeah, right, like shows likethe bachelor, the bachelorette,
uh dubai bling, dubai bling I'mnot gonna lie, I kind of was
(09:33):
just very curious, I can't.
I watched like maybe one or twominutes just to get a feel and
I'm like it really lived up tothe expectations oh my god, the
most superficial things I'veever seen in my life, right like
, if you really want to seepeople living up to the
misconceptions that we have,that is the show money glamour
(09:56):
beauty, beauty, all of thosesugar daddies, sugarommies or
whatever it's called.
Okay.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
The point of this episode isn't to trash the show,
but no, I'm not talkingspecifically about the show yeah
.
But this is like what you seetoday in today's culture.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Yeah, yeah, community gossip plays a part.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
So we sometimes hear she onlymarried him for his money or for
his car, or he got a trophywife.
The trophy wife statement.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Or she's a gold digger, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
A point worth mentioning also is that people
sometimes use looks and wealthas proxies for value.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
Yeah, because it's easier, it's more tangible.
You could say, right, right,it's measurable, measurable,
measurable, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
So what effects do these misconceptions have?
And I feel that the one thatstands out to me is men adopt
this as the norm and they feelobligated to live up to
artificial standards, right?
So after nine years?
I remember even one time time Idon't know if I mentioned this
once, it was probably seven,eight years into searching and I
(11:05):
just got so fed up that at onepoint I changed my matrimonial
profile and said I was a doctoroh wow, because I just wanted to
see what would happen.
Okay, I kept everything the samemy profile picture, um, I think
other basic details were thesame, but I just changed my
career, it didn't have adifference for how long?
Speaker 1 (11:25):
how long did you test it for I?
Speaker 2 (11:26):
think maybe a few weeks or a month, which made me
feel even worse, because then Irealized, god, I must be a
really ugly guy and that even bychanging my profile to a doctor
I can't even get a girl wow,you know you should write a book
.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Name it diary of a spinster a diary of a desperate,
single desperate guy.
So um well, I can tell you, forgirls, what effects this has on
girls, which I already mentioned, that girls feel stuck in this
trap of a never attainable levelof beauty, whether it's weight
(12:02):
size and you see all these crashdiets and even some eating
disorders or whether it's, uh,the pressure of just looking a
certain way and dressing acertain way, and even you know
what this is.
In my culture, and like in mymiddle eastern culture, some
girls and some families don'tencourage their daughters to
(12:25):
wear the hijab until she getsmarried.
No, I'm not going to wear thehijab, because if I wear the
hijab, men aren't going to lookat me.
So, inshallah, after I getmarried, I will wear the hijab.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
Wow, I've never heard this before, that's crazy, yeah
.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
And some families, actually they object to their
girls wearing the hijab.
No one's going to marry youwith the hijab, oh.
Prior to marriage yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Wow.
With this sole intention ofhelping them get married.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Yeah, yeah, subhanallah, that's amazing.
So, like I said before, it's avicious cycle, like we keep
feeding it, and that's why weneed to tackle these
misconceptions, because if wekeep believing these
misconceptions, then we're justcontributing to the cycle yeah,
so yeah, like you said, it hasto be dismantled.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
The other thing I wanted to say is the swiping up
culture and this because ofthese misconceptions and people
thinking, okay, these, I have tolive up to certain standards,
then swiping, the swiping appculture come easily, kind of
takes control right.
We don't even read anythingabout the person, we just look
(13:34):
at their picture right, becausewe associate value with how
pretty this person is or howmuch money they have are
successful yeah, so how do wedismantle this?
Speaker 1 (13:44):
it's very easy.
It might seem hypothetical, butit's not.
Just go back to the deen.
The prophet alayhi salatwasalam said a woman is usually
married for one of four thingsher money, her lineage, her
beauty or her deen.
So we all know this hadithright Marry the religious one,
you will be blessed andsuccessful.
(14:04):
And it doesn't mean that, like,if you marry the religious one
then she's going to be anunattractive, like look for an
unattractive woman, but who hasa good religion.
No, it means that it means thatthis should be your main
criteria.
If religion is there, then lookfor the other things, but if
you're prioritizing only beautyand she doesn't have a good
(14:26):
character, she doesn't have ataqwa in her heart, then your
marriage is going to bemiserable After a few days, few
months or a year or whatever.
You're going to get used to herbeauty.
She's going to grow old.
She's going to grow wrinkles,right?
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Right.
So the point is, and the beautyof this hadith is that it is
telling you to look beyond thesurface.
Yeah, right the misconceptionsare all surface-based yeah,
money, beauty, things like thatbut this hadith is a reminder to
go beyond that and how you gobeyond that, that we've
(15:02):
dedicated an entire episodeasking the right questions,
assessing a person's character,things like that yeah, yeah,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
And.
And for guys the prophet alsoalayhi salat was alayhi salat
was.
Salam said that if a guy with agood dean and good character
proposes, then marry them.
So it doesn't mean beyond thesurface exactly it doesn't mean
beyond the surface.
Exactly.
It doesn't mean that look for agood dean and good character,
but he should be broke.
No, like, like you always say,al-mu'min Al-Qawiyy, khayrun Min
(15:29):
Al-Mu'min Al-Dha'if or Al-YadAl-Ulyah, khayrun Min Al-Yad
Al-Sufla, like a strong believer, strong in his character, in
his like physical state, in hisfinancial state is better than a
weak one, because you're notbeing a burden, right.
So look for this, but don'tmake it the first priority,
(15:50):
because he could have all themoney in the world and now I
feel like I'm a lecturer or likeI'm an auntie, or like an old
person giving a khutbah oranything.
But sometimes, you know, theseare things that, because we've
heard them so many times, wedon't stop to actually think and
ponder and reflect on them.
So he could have all the moneyin the world, but he doesn't
(16:12):
treat you right.
He has a terrible character orI don't know, he might be
secretly drinking Like he'sgoing to be a terrible father.
So what good will money do youright?
Speaker 2 (16:27):
For sure.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
Yeah, I think honestly, out of all the
gendered misconceptions, the onewe just tackled is the most
common one.
So I hope the ranting we justdid and whatever we just
discussed, I hope it just givesyou a moment to rethink what you
believe about the oppositegender and honestly, just
(16:50):
talking to guys and girls ingeneral, you can see these
misconceptions play out indifferent ways like, if you
really pay attention to thelanguage, uh and the the reasons
that they're delaying marriagewith guys.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
They may not articulate these specific or
these misconceptions in thesewords, but it's hidden like
underneath their tongue rightlike why are they delaying
marriage?
Is because of financial reasonsexactly what are the financial
is Because they have to live upto some artificial standards of
income and financial stabilityand things like that.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
So these are not hypothetical things.
These are actually hinderingsingles from getting married.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
What's the next one?
Speaker 2 (17:34):
Misconception number two Men fear commitment.
Women are desperate for it.
I see this play out in moviesall the time.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
All the time he's not that into you Now it's a cliche
.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
You know the guy stringing along the girl for
like more than half the movie,and then finally she gives an
ultimatum to the guys Likeeither you want me or you don't
want me.
And then the guy's like okay.
And then he has to like, yeah,you know, turn on the maturity
switch.
And then take this take itseriously, and then they live
(18:07):
happily ever after monica andchandler remember I'm not a half
of my half of this, not asstrong as yours, unfortunately.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
You can actually see this play in every sitcom out
there, almost yeah, yeah okay,going back to the original point
, are men fearful of commitment?
Speaker 2 (18:26):
well, I'm married, so I'm in a committed relationship
and uh, you better be oh Ibetter be, huh what about the
girls?
Speaker 1 (18:39):
Women are usually painted as desperate.
She just wants a guy and it'salso reaffirmed in movies a lot
of times and she spends all herlife just trying to find a guy
who actually wants her and who'sserious about commitment and
all of that.
And this actually scares theguy, you see.
(18:59):
So each misconception isfeeding the other.
The other misconception thisscares the guy.
The moment he senses that thisgirl is actually like pushing
for marriage or whatever, hegets scared and he runs away.
And then the misconception ofbeing fearful of commitment just
gets reaffirmed.
Right.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
So it becomes a vicious cycle.
So one is trying to avoid thedesperation part and the other
guy is trying to avoid thecommitment part, but they're
both ultimately hurtingthemselves exactly yeah at the
end of the day, why?
Speaker 1 (19:34):
what are we doing here?
Are we looking for marriage ornot?
Speaker 2 (19:38):
right, that's what it all comes down to like
intention, intention, intentionand not just intention, but just
simply coming back to our dean,you know, the beauty of our
dean is that it simplifies ourlives.
It really does.
You know these western normsand practices of dating and
stuff.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
It really complicates our life so much because, you
know, we we get into thesesituations where there's so much
ambiguity you know, I reallyfeel bad for people who date and
usually like it's non-muslims,right, people who date, who live
together or whatever.
And there's this, um, there'sthis confusion, like what are we
(20:22):
doing here?
She's waiting for him to popthe question and to surprise her
with a ring in this chocolatecake and he is trying to avoid.
Like every time he says we needto talk, she's thinking, oh my
god, he's gonna break up with meor he's gonna propose, and like
there's this meanwhile, theyears are going by years are
going by, and sometimes afterdating for five years, six years
(20:44):
, I just don't feel like we'rethe right fit for each other
anymore, or I don't love youanymore.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
Because they didn't have intentions from the get-go,
they didn't have clarity,exactly.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
And five years get wasted.
Like time doesn't forgive.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Yeah, and like when people talk about dating dating
at surface value, it makes sense.
Don't you want to get to knowthe person?
Don't you want to see ifthey're a good fit and just go
out, and things like that.
But our dean always starts withintention, right you?
Speaker 1 (21:18):
know you're sorry to interrupt, but before you jump
to the dean, the problem withdating is it doesn't have like
the.
The intention from thebeginning are not clear.
They could be this person couldbe dating for marriage, but the
other person is dating for justfor fun, like I just want to
have someone in my life but I'mnot serious about marriage.
(21:38):
Exactly right.
But, like you said in our Dean,we we have marriage.
Either you want to get marriedor you don't, so the only reason
you're talking to someone andyou're getting to know them is
for marriage.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Exactly so.
There is very simple ways todismantle this and it really it
comes back to the firstmisconception we talked about.
Come back to the deen.
Honestly, that's like theanswer for every misconception
probably that we're going totackle.
Come back to the dean, and howdo we do that intention be
direct?
be clear clarity, uh, reaffirmthat this that you are speaking
(22:15):
to somebody for the purpose ofmarriage, that you know you have
a desire to get married andframe your conversations um,
with the goal of marriage,obviously with with the goal of
getting to know them in depth.
Right, that you're not wastingyour time talking about travel
destinations and the weather andthings like that okay, maybe in
(22:36):
the beginning as icebreakers,but the goal is to get to know
them in depth for the purpose ofmarriage and you know what.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
If you like really don't desire marriage.
Like, deep down, you're notlooking for marriage.
Like, be honest with yourselfand don't waste people's time.
If you are not ready formarriage right now, there are
certain circumstances thatprevent you from getting married
.
Don't waste people's times.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
Right, right and maybe just having certain
phrases in mind when you'respeaking to somebody that I'm
serious about marriage withinsix months to a year.
What is your time frame lookinglike?
Right like having thoseconversations early on, because
if the next, if the personyou're talking to is looking to
get married for after thefour-year graduate degree or
(23:22):
whatever degree, but you'relooking to get going in the next
year, then there's amisalignment and you're going to
be wasting your time yeah, alsohaving the time frame
discussion.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
You know, maybe we should coin it the time frame
discussion or or something likeuh hi, I'd like to get to know
you for the purpose of marriage.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
I am interested in marriage within within the next
year or two years I don't knowabout this, especially like in
the beginning stages, because itwas scared after you get past
the icebreakers and there's acertain level of comfortability
and we do ask it on ourregistration forms oh, yes, we
have to yeah, yeah but it'ssometimes, you know, a guy and a
(24:03):
girl are talking and it's beenfive, six, seven months and
there's this like confusion.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Neither of them brought the the the topic of
marriage itself, and they'rejust like hoping he's gonna
bring it up, she's gonna bringit up, and like it's just to get
resolved suddenly and magically.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
Right, and if you've been talking for six seven
months and you haven't had theconversation about time frame,
children, in-laws Not just inroles and responsibilities,
right, like, if you guys areboth working, then who's going
to be doing the day-to-daythings at home?
Things like that.
And six, seven months havepassed.
(24:44):
I mean, you're honestly wastingyour time.
If you're overwhelmed andburdened and just don't know
where to seek help, let us helpyou.
We can be your personalmatchmakers.
Visit us at halalmatchca andbook a free call with us.
So, misconception number threewe actually have talked about
(25:04):
this in the past, but it'simportant to also frame it as a
misconception, which isreligiosity equals a good spouse
.
And this goes back to ouroriginal point, which is looking
for surface value traits, right, where we see somebody or we
(25:25):
hear of somebody getting up fortahajjud, attending five daily
prayers in the masjid, and weautomatically assume that this
person has good character andthat this person qualifies for
marriage, which is a hugeproblem.
And so there's a dichotomybetween the character and the
internalization of faith withthe outward manifestations of
(25:46):
faith.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
I'd like to take this into a different direction.
Honestly that they could bereligious outwardly and they
could have a good character.
They're a good, decent humanbeing, like there's no dichotomy
there, right, but they lackemotional maturity.
They lack communication skills,they don't know how to handle
(26:07):
conflicts.
They get angry easily, theyhave self-esteem problems.
They lack leadership skills.
So it's not about like lookingreligious, but being an awful
person.
Speaker 2 (26:20):
Right.
So that's a good point, becausewhat's happening there is that
you are overlooking so manyother important qualities
because you're just so enamoredby the religiosity.
And we see this oh my God, thisperson is an Ali.
Speaker 1 (26:34):
He's a Hafez.
He's a Hafez Right.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
Or he has a big beard and like, oh my God, he's
perfect.
Speaker 1 (26:40):
And we see this.
The thing is this one we seethe most, I think, out of all
the misconceptions.
This, this, the thing is thisone we see the most.
I think, out of all themisconceptions, this one is the
most visible to us.
And when we ask potentialclients or clients, what are you
looking for in a spouse?
Speaker 2 (26:52):
a lot of times all we get is someone religious,
someone with a good dean andthat's the funny thing, when
they throw out that termreligious, sometimes they don't
understand what that means andwe have to go deeper, like what
does religious mean to you?
Because what religious means toyou is going to be what
religious means to me?
All right, for some people it'slike I want somebody is getting
(27:14):
up for tahajjud and likepraying at the masjid five times
a day, and for other peopleit's just like the basics who
doesn't do any haram, forexample.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
Right, yeah, but I think because we haven't taken
the time to think about theseterms and a lot of times it's
actually like reaffirmed oremphasized, like with good
intentions, of course, but bylike imams and shuyukh and stuff
, just emphasizing when lookingto marry, just marry someone
(27:42):
with a good deen.
If he fears Allah, then he willtreat you good.
Well, he could fear allah, buthe could be immature, right?
right so there is much more tocompatibility than religion,
like religion is the basic anddon't get us wrong, praying,
getting up for fajr is importantright fasting consistent that,
(28:03):
but don't use that as the solecriteria it's.
I think it should start fromthere, like if someone doesn't
have the basics and just today Iposted this reel, this clip
from our recent interview withdr omar hussein, and he was
saying like when looking for aspouse, start with the basics.
So if or when you, when you'relooking to get married, you
(28:24):
start with your basics.
If you're not consistentlypraying five times a day, then
start with that.
If you're not fasting Ramadan,start with that, and after
you've covered that, then, like,improve in other like areas and
stuff.
So that's the basic.
It doesn't mean like you're asuper, uh, super muslim if
you're praying and fasting.
Speaker 2 (28:46):
This is the basic yeah, but it's not the only
thing, though, and we can't denythat social media plays a part
in this absolutely, absolutelywe hear like soundbites and
people with a big beard quotingverses from the quran.
Sometimes they don't know whatthey're saying and they just
look outwardly religious rightyeah so one way to dismantle
this is to ask for concreteexamples of religious practice.
(29:09):
For example, you can ask theperson tell me about a time you
supported someone when it washard, whether it was morally
through your time, whatever itwas.
Um, scholars often use thisexample too, where they say you
know, when you're going throughthe courting phase and you're
meeting somebody out in public,see how they treat the waiter.
Yeah, that's a good one, yeah,all right.
(29:30):
What's another example?
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Tell me about your favorite ayah, and why is it
your favorite ayah?
Tell me about a time where youfound an answer to a problem in
the Quran.
Tell me how you spend yourRamadan.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
Yeah, so open-ended questions.
That reveals something abouttheir relationship with their
deen.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Instead of asking do you prayand do you fast, right?
Which goes back to our questionepisode.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
Yeah, Another way is to add behavioral checks in the
getting to know stage Right.
So an example of that islooking for examples of how they
handle conflict.
Everybody goes through conflictat some point in their life,
but it's about how you handle itand how you manage that.
Asking questions about therelationship with their parents,
(30:21):
with their siblings, with theirextended family.
Speaker 1 (30:26):
Notice their emotional reactions, like
throughout the courting phase.
You're gonna have disagreements.
You might even have like fightsor whatever right.
He might have a problem withwork or with his parents.
So notice his emotionalreactions.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
Nobody has a perfect relationship with every sphere
of their life their their work,their family, their community.
There will be conflicts at insome realm, in some form or
another, and the question is howdo they handle?
Speaker 1 (30:57):
it exactly, do they?
Speaker 2 (30:58):
avoid it?
Do they confront it?
Speaker 1 (30:59):
notice.
Does she gossip?
Does he gossip?
Speaker 2 (31:04):
and one way to actually that's a good point.
One way to assess that is byseeing how much are they willing
to open up or share secretsabout someone else to you right
because if they're willing toshare someone else's secrets
with you.
Most likely they're going toshare your secrets with someone
else yeah exactly, yeah, yeah,yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
So besides looking for their religion like we said,
religion is the first thing,but it's not the only thing Look
for these things to assesscompatibility.
You could have a alim and aalima, two scholars who are so
pious and stuff, but theircharacters are just complete
(31:45):
opposite.
They would be terrible spousesto each other, not because
they're not religious, butbecause this is just how people
are.
Speaker 2 (31:54):
Last misconception Marriage will fix me or my
partner will complete me, and Ifeel this is consistent with
both of our cultures.
Yeah, yeah.
I've seen it so much in my ownfamily my or extended family in
fact, where there have been somevery inappropriate behaviors,
(32:15):
um, specifically drinking and um, and the approach was getting
him married so that he could fixup or change.
And of course that didn'tchange and it was a disastrous
marriage but um, same thing,same thing we have in our
culture with an added layer.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
So same thing.
Usually it's a guy.
He has some, has somebehavioral issues, some bad
habits.
Get him married he'll marriagewas treating him right, right
and it doesn't, and sometimesit's not even bad habits.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
Get him married he'll marriage will straighten him
right, right, and it doesn't andsometimes it's not even bad
habits, it's just immaturity.
And then marriage will make himmature and marriage just makes
things worse.
Speaker 1 (32:56):
And then then let let them have children, have
children, and the child willcome and heal all the problems,
fix all the problems.
And of course it doesn't.
It just becomes worse.
Exactly, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
So where does this come from?
Does it come from a vacuum?
No, it doesn't.
It comes from sometimes moviesright, you see, the guy who's
just lazy, unambitious, immature, all of these things, and then
this perfect girl comes along,and then she's like the cure to
the problem, right she pusheshim to change and to improve,
(33:34):
and all of that, yeah, yeah yeah, um, we sometimes see this play
out with financial stabilitytoo, that when you're married,
then you it will force you be tobecome financially right To
take a career or a job moreseriously, and that just becomes
more problematic.
Right.
So the point is that thesethings have to be done prior to
(33:55):
marriage.
You have to work on the internalstuff.
So, going back to marriagebeing a solution to problems
immigration we heard all thetime, right, like I need to get
my green, like I need to get mygreen card, need to get my pr
card, and marriage is going tofix that.
So we can skip over thecompatibility, we can skip over
all the important questions,because right now I have to
(34:18):
solve this problem and well, Imean it was.
It did work out in one case inmy family, but generally
speaking, it's one of the worstthings you could do.
Speaker 1 (34:29):
It's unfair to you, it's unfair to the girl right,
yeah, for sure.
Marriage is half our dean.
It's a compliment.
It's not a cure.
Marriage actually, actuallymarriage is not going to fix
your problems.
On the contrary, it willmagnify them.
Because if you have temperamentproblems, believe me, marriage
(34:51):
is beautiful and all of that,but also it comes with sometimes
testing moments, challengingmoments.
You're living with this person.
He's going to provoke you,sometimes going to vex you,
sometimes You're going to do thesame.
So if you have a temperamentproblems, it's just going to
blow up in same.
So if you have a temperamentproblems, it's just gonna blow
up in marriage.
If you have, like, badfinancial habits, marriage is
(35:11):
gonna just magnify them.
Um, I don't know if you haveimmaturity, if you have anger
problems, like so, don't entermarriage with this fixing
mindset yeah or or not, justfixing mindset.
Speaker 2 (35:25):
But I'd also add don't come in with dependency
expectations.
Exactly, exactly, yeah.
Because that will lead toresentment.
Because when your partner can'tsolve the problem so let's say,
for example, going back to theimmigration point, let's say for
some reason that the marriagedidn't solve the immigration
problem then you're just goingto resent your spouse it's
(35:47):
because of you.
It's your fault right, it'syour fault and so the intention
that you came into this marriageor relationship with um didn't
get fulfilled, and now, insteadof loving your spouse, you
resent them.
Right, all right yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:00):
So meanwhile, while if you're a single muslim
listening to us and you'reasking yourself what can I do
now, start working on yourself.
Like you know yourself betterthan anyone else.
You know if you have some angerissues, you know if you have
some ego problems.
You know if you need to work onyour deen or you need to work
(36:21):
on your health.
You need to improve your diet,whatever it is.
You need to improve your diet,whatever it is.
You need to become morefinancially mature and maybe
have some financial literacy,right.
So don't wait for marriage andthen start taking these courses
and the coaching.
And this is a.
This is a golden time.
(36:41):
You're single.
You don't have thatresponsibility of marriage and
kids and household and whatever.
This is your golden time.
Use it.
Speaker 2 (36:50):
Yeah, so personal story.
I've shared the story before.
I think it was probably thefirst episode, first or second
episode where we shared ourmarriage story and how my
journey spanned nine years andone of the takeaways that I feel
I got from my search, and thenespecially in the last few
(37:12):
months prior to getting married,was that I need to work on my
faith, that I need to work ontrusting Allah's plan.
And so, going back to talk aboutself-work I think my self-work
(37:34):
was on my spirituality, rightand um, and just being patient
with my journey wherever it goesand, of course, tying my camel,
putting in the work, um inmatrimony websites, making dua,
things like that, of course, butrealizing that, um, I have to
leave the rest to allah yeah, sothat that was my inner work, I
(37:56):
think okay.
Speaker 1 (37:58):
Well, I can think of one thing I had to work on
before we started talkingactually, which is self-esteem.
I used, I remember, like aspecific period in my life and I
used to have such lowself-esteem like I used to walk
in the campus and thinking that,you know, there are students
(38:20):
around us, they're laughing,they're talking whatever.
I used to think they'relaughing at me.
I'm walking, they're laughingat me, they're laughing, they're
talking whatever.
I used to think they'relaughing at me, I'm walking,
they're laughing at me, they'retalking about me.
And, of course, which wasn'ttrue and part of it is because
of my visual impairment and thenI I don't know exactly how the
switch happened, but I think Ijust started just trusting
Allah's plan more and justbelieving that, like we're, and
(38:46):
that people are good, people arenot conspiring against me,
people are don't hate me, don'tmock me.
Like there was a switch that Ican't honestly put my finger on
it and, alhamdulillah, myself-esteem skyrocketed and like
, did you notice, when westarted talking, that I'm a
confident person or I lackconfidence?
(39:07):
Like what was your impression?
Speaker 2 (39:10):
I feel like you were a person who had a good sense of
boundaries.
For example, when we firststarted talking, one of the
first things you mentioned wasyour visual impairment,
impairment, and and so youwanted to make sure that that
(39:31):
was something I was comfortablewith, not just for the sake of
moving forward, but it's justlike this is a part of my
identity.
This is a part.
This is something that I I'vedealt with for a long time.
So either you're on board withthis or you're not or don't
waste my time.
That was kind of the vibe rightlike this is serious, right like
like this is something thatI've dealt with for some time.
(39:52):
That was kind of the feeling Iwas getting, and so, of course,
I had to wrestle a few thingswith that.
But, um, but yeah, I'd say,yeah, confidence was there, but
more of a sense of boundaries.
Speaker 1 (40:07):
You know, I try to imagine like if I entered
marriage with low self-esteem, Idon't think you would have find
that attractive.
Oh, of course not.
Speaker 2 (40:17):
Yeah, yeah, I don't think I'd argue that it looks
more unattractive with guys thangirls.
Speaker 1 (40:23):
Yes, absolutely For sure, For sure, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:25):
Yeah, I've always heard that, that maybe that I
don't know if that's amisconception, but girls find
self-confidence a huge likemeans of attraction of course,
because it's associated withleadership.
Speaker 1 (40:39):
It's associated with strength, strength and like,
with just being a man, I guess,manhood.
We just last episode.
We're talking about manhood andmasculinity and all of that.
So, by the way, it was a greatepisode, honestly masculinity
and toxic masculinity highlyrecommended with dr number uh 74
(41:01):
, I think just the episodebefore this one wow, yeah, mash,
wow we're in our 70s nowinshallah.
Once we hit 100, we should dosomething special.
I don't know what, but if youhave any ideas for us what to do
on our 100th episode.
Yeah, we're all ears and eyes,but those were the
(41:22):
misconceptions.
I hope you guys that you leavethis episode with a sense of
just giving the other gender orthe other person the benefit of
the doubt and not generalizing.
Speaker 2 (41:37):
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Like we said before, there issome truth to these
misconceptions.
But not every girl is a golddigger.
Not every guy is just lookingfor beauty.
There are people who want to gobeyond the surface, so take the
time to look for that to lookfor those people.
Speaker 1 (41:57):
And also, once you become like the best version of
yourself we're not talking aboutperfection, just the best
version of yourself you willattract the right people.
Speaker 2 (42:08):
Yeah, I was just going to say that you will
become the magnet of what youwant.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
Absolutely, absolutely For sure.
Speaker 2 (42:13):
So why don't you guys share a misconception that we
might have missed?
Or maybe you guys can expand onone of the misconceptions or
conceptions that we shared.
Speaker 1 (42:22):
Yeah, just let us know your thoughts in the
comments.
Speaker 2 (42:24):
Yeah.
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
And I'm Zaid.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
You're listening to Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
So let's dive in.
Bismillah, Assalamu alaikumeveryone.
Welcome back to another episode.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Yeah, assalamu alaikum, we're back with another
week, a new topic.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Yeah, rejections is something we've talked a lot
about in the past.
I constantly share my personalexperiences and you can't help
but to form some sort of, somesense of uh, misconceptions
because of all these rejectionsthat happen right and with and
with me.
(00:45):
After nine years, I got thisunderstanding that girls were
just looking for money and thatgirls were very shallow
sometimes and that if I wasn'tliving up to a certain standard,
which was the doctor, lawyer,engineer kind of equation
earning six figures, then Iprobably wouldn't get married.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Though at that stage they weren't misconceptions.
They were conceptions.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
They were yes, yes, that's a better way to put it.
They were conceptual, butconceptions formed based on my
experiences.
And you can't help but to feelthat way, and I'm sure a lot of
people feel the same way.
After they go through years andyears and years of rejections
that they've certain theydevelop certain conceptions
based on their experiences.
(01:33):
But your premarital journeydidn't go that long, but did you
have some kind ofmisconceptions or conceptions?
Speaker 1 (01:42):
I had some conceptions.
Of course, yeah, like, whatLike?
For example, guys go for theprettiest girls.
If you're not pretty, you don'tstand a chance.
Speaker 3 (01:57):
See, you just proved it and that's why you married me
, okay, okay I don't know thatum guys are controlling and
maybe it's because of theenvironment I come from, from
the middle east.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Now, those were some fears and some conceptions I had
.
But uh, that's, that's, that'sthe thing.
Each one of us based on theirown experiences, their own I
never, I'm never able topronounce this word properly
Upbringing, upbringing Based ontheir upbringing and their
environment.
They form ideas and sometimesthey could be based on some
(02:37):
history, some stories, somethings they've read right.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
But it's not just coming from their upbringing, it
also comes from theirexperiences mainly rejections,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
But the danger is when we start generalizing and
when we start exaggerating andjust throwing these labels.
All men are like this.
All women are like this.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
Right, so let's go through a list of a few common
misconceptions.
All right, so number one,probably the most famous that
everybody says is that men onlywant beauty, women only want
money, and there is truth tothat, I think.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Like we said, all of them.
They don't come from nothing,Exactly.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
And based on my personal experience, yes, I've
seen a lot of those cases andbased on my personal experience,
yes, I've seen a lot of thosecases, and not just from girls,
but from parents too thatfinancial stability is one thing
, but an unrealistic expectationor trying to live up to a
certain standard, whether it'scultural or whatever, like you
said, it's not coming from avacuum.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
Right, but does it mean that all girls are like
this, all families are like this?
Speaker 2 (03:45):
No, I mean alhamdulillah, you and that all
girls are like this, allfamilies are like this.
No, I mean, alhamdulillah, youand your family aren't like this
.
But from my personalexperiences, I would say eight
to 8.5 cases that I ran into,whether it was on matrimonial
websites, whether they wereintroductions to families, they
were under this umbrella.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Are we here to reaffirm misconceptions or to
debunk them?
Speaker 2 (04:11):
I'm speaking the truth.
I'm speaking from my personalexperiences.
So if that's reaffirming,debunking, whatever it is, I'm
going to keep it real.
But the fact that I marriedsomebody who isn't like that is
kind of debunking the myth.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
But I'm not a rare case.
Okay, listen to listen to me.
Don't listen to this guy.
Guys and girls, listen to me ifyou see happy marriages around
you.
If you see happy couples aroundyou and successful marriages
around you, this means thatthese misconceptions are not
true, or are not entirely true.
(04:44):
So you don't have to agree withyou.
I said don't listen to himRight.
So, so don't don't think thathappy marriages and successful
marriages are a rare case.
There are good guys, there aregood girls, but there are some,
like we said, somemisconceptions that are based on
some experiences.
That's my take on it.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
Like I said, I'm going to keep it real, okay.
So I'm not painting marriage asdoom and gloom.
It's not.
Not every girl is shallow,right, because obviously I found
somebody who isn't.
But then the question is, aregirls generally like that?
I haven't spoken to every girlon the planet, so I'm just
talking from personalexperiences that yes, there are
(05:28):
girls.
I mean, I can still recall andI had that email for years, that
email where I think I reachedout to a girl after a
matrimonial event or um, maybeit was on hud, I think it was
after a matrimonial event uh,saying that you know I was
interested in whatever, whatever.
(05:49):
And she replied saying, um,sorry, my parents are looking
for somebody who is morefinancially stable.
And she specifically said Ithink I showed you this email
doctor, engineer, lawyer,something like that, and I'm
like, and this was years into mysearch and it was just this
constant reminder and constant,consistent pattern of girls
(06:14):
seeking these things, orsometimes hiding behind their
parents because they lack thecourage to say it themselves.
So again, the question is aregirls generally like this or are
they not?
Speaker 1 (06:26):
My belief is generally girls are not like
this and generally guys are notjust looking for beauty, but
some bad apples ruin it foreveryone.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
That's true.
I guess that's a good way toput it.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
You know what.
When I hear you say this it youknow what.
When I hear you say this, youknow what I remember.
I remember clients or potentialclients who, when we ask them,
are you open for to otherethnicities, they say yeah, but
not this x ethnicity.
I don't want anyone from this xethnicity.
They're all like this orthey're known for being like
(07:00):
this, and that's not fair I dorecall cases like that, but
that's usually I don't know.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
Sometimes it's because of a lack of physical
attraction to that specificethnicity, or b is because
they've had such a badexperience with that specific
ethnic background that they'regeneralizing.
Exactly yes, exactly so it'sour experiences, okay.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Well, girls, when it comes to girls, girls feel that
guys, like I said, and I hadthis thought before guys only go
go for the prettiest girls.
If you're not fair, if you arenot slim, if you are not tall,
then you don't stand a chance.
If you have some I don't knowpimples, or you don't have the
(07:48):
prettiest eyes, or you have Idon't know whatever, you have a
big nose or whatever, you don'tstand a chance.
And that's why a lot of girlsend up using filters on their
profile pictures or some girlseven take it to the extreme of
uh plastic surgery or using likeuh whitening creams to like
(08:09):
lighten their skin tone right.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
So I mean, yes, social media does play a part
and the makeup and the tons ofmakeup, like guys say.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Why girls wear so much makeup?
Because they think makeup makesthem look prettier and this
would make them more attractiveto guys but then the question is
are they doing what isgenerally expected of them?
What do you mean?
Speaker 2 (08:35):
right.
If the guys are searching forpretty girls, then aren't they
just doing what's expected ofthem?
Speaker 1 (08:43):
Because they think they are making themselves
prettier, they are raising theirstakes.
You see, it's a vicious cycle.
It's a vicious cycle, but notall guys.
Sometimes, you see, I don'tknow an average looking girl
with a very handsome guy.
So what does this prove?
(09:04):
It proves that no, a lot ofguys see inner beauty before
they look at the outside beauty.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
So where does this come from?
So the thing that we can'toverlook is how this is really
rooted, partly rooted, but alsocemented by tv shows.
Yeah, right, like shows likethe bachelor, the bachelorette,
uh dubai bling, dubai bling I'mnot gonna lie, I kind of was
(09:33):
just very curious, I can't.
I watched like maybe one or twominutes just to get a feel and
I'm like it really lived up tothe expectations oh my god, the
most superficial things I'veever seen in my life, right like
, if you really want to seepeople living up to the
misconceptions that we have,that is the show money glamour
(09:56):
beauty, beauty, all of thosesugar daddies, sugarommies or
whatever it's called.
Okay.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
The point of this episode isn't to trash the show,
but no, I'm not talkingspecifically about the show yeah
.
But this is like what you seetoday in today's culture.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
Yeah, yeah, community gossip plays a part.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
So we sometimes hear she onlymarried him for his money or for
his car, or he got a trophywife.
The trophy wife statement.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Or she's a gold digger, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
A point worth mentioning also is that people
sometimes use looks and wealthas proxies for value.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
Yeah, because it's easier, it's more tangible.
You could say, right, right,it's measurable, measurable,
measurable, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
So what effects do these misconceptions have?
And I feel that the one thatstands out to me is men adopt
this as the norm and they feelobligated to live up to
artificial standards, right?
So after nine years?
I remember even one time time Idon't know if I mentioned this
once, it was probably seven,eight years into searching and I
(11:05):
just got so fed up that at onepoint I changed my matrimonial
profile and said I was a doctoroh wow, because I just wanted to
see what would happen.
Okay, I kept everything the samemy profile picture, um, I think
other basic details were thesame, but I just changed my
career, it didn't have adifference for how long?
Speaker 1 (11:25):
how long did you test it for I?
Speaker 2 (11:26):
think maybe a few weeks or a month, which made me
feel even worse, because then Irealized, god, I must be a
really ugly guy and that even bychanging my profile to a doctor
I can't even get a girl wow,you know you should write a book
.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Name it diary of a spinster a diary of a desperate,
single desperate guy.
So um well, I can tell you, forgirls, what effects this has on
girls, which I already mentioned, that girls feel stuck in this
trap of a never attainable levelof beauty, whether it's weight
(12:02):
size and you see all these crashdiets and even some eating
disorders or whether it's, uh,the pressure of just looking a
certain way and dressing acertain way, and even you know
what this is.
In my culture, and like in mymiddle eastern culture, some
girls and some families don'tencourage their daughters to
(12:25):
wear the hijab until she getsmarried.
No, I'm not going to wear thehijab, because if I wear the
hijab, men aren't going to lookat me.
So, inshallah, after I getmarried, I will wear the hijab.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
Wow, I've never heard this before, that's crazy, yeah
.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
And some families, actually they object to their
girls wearing the hijab.
No one's going to marry youwith the hijab, oh.
Prior to marriage yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Wow.
With this sole intention ofhelping them get married.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
Yeah, yeah, subhanallah, that's amazing.
So, like I said before, it's avicious cycle, like we keep
feeding it, and that's why weneed to tackle these
misconceptions, because if wekeep believing these
misconceptions, then we're justcontributing to the cycle yeah,
so yeah, like you said, it hasto be dismantled.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
The other thing I wanted to say is the swiping up
culture and this because ofthese misconceptions and people
thinking, okay, these, I have tolive up to certain standards,
then swiping, the swiping appculture come easily, kind of
takes control right.
We don't even read anythingabout the person, we just look
(13:34):
at their picture right, becausewe associate value with how
pretty this person is or howmuch money they have are
successful yeah, so how do wedismantle this?
Speaker 1 (13:44):
it's very easy.
It might seem hypothetical, butit's not.
Just go back to the deen.
The prophet alayhi salatwasalam said a woman is usually
married for one of four thingsher money, her lineage, her
beauty or her deen.
So we all know this hadithright Marry the religious one,
you will be blessed andsuccessful.
(14:04):
And it doesn't mean that, like,if you marry the religious one
then she's going to be anunattractive, like look for an
unattractive woman, but who hasa good religion.
No, it means that it means thatthis should be your main
criteria.
If religion is there, then lookfor the other things, but if
you're prioritizing only beautyand she doesn't have a good
(14:26):
character, she doesn't have ataqwa in her heart, then your
marriage is going to bemiserable After a few days, few
months or a year or whatever.
You're going to get used to herbeauty.
She's going to grow old.
She's going to grow wrinkles,right?
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Right.
So the point is, and the beautyof this hadith is that it is
telling you to look beyond thesurface.
Yeah, right the misconceptionsare all surface-based yeah,
money, beauty, things like thatbut this hadith is a reminder to
go beyond that and how you gobeyond that, that we've
(15:02):
dedicated an entire episodeasking the right questions,
assessing a person's character,things like that yeah, yeah,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
And.
And for guys the prophet alsoalayhi salat was alayhi salat
was.
Salam said that if a guy with agood dean and good character
proposes, then marry them.
So it doesn't mean beyond thesurface exactly it doesn't mean
beyond the surface.
Exactly.
It doesn't mean that look for agood dean and good character,
but he should be broke.
No, like, like you always say,al-mu'min Al-Qawiyy, khayrun Min
(15:29):
Al-Mu'min Al-Dha'if or Al-YadAl-Ulyah, khayrun Min Al-Yad
Al-Sufla, like a strong believer, strong in his character, in
his like physical state, in hisfinancial state is better than a
weak one, because you're notbeing a burden, right.
So look for this, but don'tmake it the first priority,
(15:50):
because he could have all themoney in the world and now I
feel like I'm a lecturer or likeI'm an auntie, or like an old
person giving a khutbah oranything.
But sometimes, you know, theseare things that, because we've
heard them so many times, wedon't stop to actually think and
ponder and reflect on them.
So he could have all the moneyin the world, but he doesn't
(16:12):
treat you right.
He has a terrible character orI don't know, he might be
secretly drinking Like he'sgoing to be a terrible father.
So what good will money do youright?
Speaker 2 (16:27):
For sure.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
Yeah, I think honestly, out of all the
gendered misconceptions, the onewe just tackled is the most
common one.
So I hope the ranting we justdid and whatever we just
discussed, I hope it just givesyou a moment to rethink what you
believe about the oppositegender and honestly, just
(16:50):
talking to guys and girls ingeneral, you can see these
misconceptions play out indifferent ways like, if you
really pay attention to thelanguage, uh and the the reasons
that they're delaying marriagewith guys.
Speaker 2 (17:03):
They may not articulate these specific or
these misconceptions in thesewords, but it's hidden like
underneath their tongue rightlike why are they delaying
marriage?
Is because of financial reasonsexactly what are the financial
is Because they have to live upto some artificial standards of
income and financial stabilityand things like that.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
So these are not hypothetical things.
These are actually hinderingsingles from getting married.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
What's the next one?
Speaker 2 (17:34):
Misconception number two Men fear commitment.
Women are desperate for it.
I see this play out in moviesall the time.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
All the time he's not that into you Now it's a cliche
.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
You know the guy stringing along the girl for
like more than half the movie,and then finally she gives an
ultimatum to the guys Likeeither you want me or you don't
want me.
And then the guy's like okay.
And then he has to like, yeah,you know, turn on the maturity
switch.
And then take this take itseriously, and then they live
(18:07):
happily ever after monica andchandler remember I'm not a half
of my half of this, not asstrong as yours, unfortunately.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
You can actually see this play in every sitcom out
there, almost yeah, yeah okay,going back to the original point
, are men fearful of commitment?
Speaker 2 (18:26):
well, I'm married, so I'm in a committed relationship
and uh, you better be oh Ibetter be, huh what about the
girls?
Speaker 1 (18:39):
Women are usually painted as desperate.
She just wants a guy and it'salso reaffirmed in movies a lot
of times and she spends all herlife just trying to find a guy
who actually wants her and who'sserious about commitment and
all of that.
And this actually scares theguy, you see.
(18:59):
So each misconception isfeeding the other.
The other misconception thisscares the guy.
The moment he senses that thisgirl is actually like pushing
for marriage or whatever, hegets scared and he runs away.
And then the misconception ofbeing fearful of commitment just
gets reaffirmed.
Right.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
So it becomes a vicious cycle.
So one is trying to avoid thedesperation part and the other
guy is trying to avoid thecommitment part, but they're
both ultimately hurtingthemselves exactly yeah at the
end of the day, why?
Speaker 1 (19:34):
what are we doing here?
Are we looking for marriage ornot?
Speaker 2 (19:38):
right, that's what it all comes down to like
intention, intention, intentionand not just intention, but just
simply coming back to our dean,you know, the beauty of our
dean is that it simplifies ourlives.
It really does.
You know these western normsand practices of dating and
stuff.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
It really complicates our life so much because, you
know, we we get into thesesituations where there's so much
ambiguity you know, I reallyfeel bad for people who date and
usually like it's non-muslims,right, people who date, who live
together or whatever.
And there's this, um, there'sthis confusion, like what are we
(20:22):
doing here?
She's waiting for him to popthe question and to surprise her
with a ring in this chocolatecake and he is trying to avoid.
Like every time he says we needto talk, she's thinking, oh my
god, he's gonna break up with meor he's gonna propose, and like
there's this meanwhile, theyears are going by years are
going by, and sometimes afterdating for five years, six years
(20:44):
, I just don't feel like we'rethe right fit for each other
anymore, or I don't love youanymore.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
Because they didn't have intentions from the get-go,
they didn't have clarity,exactly.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
And five years get wasted.
Like time doesn't forgive.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Yeah, and like when people talk about dating dating
at surface value, it makes sense.
Don't you want to get to knowthe person?
Don't you want to see ifthey're a good fit and just go
out, and things like that.
But our dean always starts withintention, right you?
Speaker 1 (21:18):
know you're sorry to interrupt, but before you jump
to the dean, the problem withdating is it doesn't have like
the.
The intention from thebeginning are not clear.
They could be this person couldbe dating for marriage, but the
other person is dating for justfor fun, like I just want to
have someone in my life but I'mnot serious about marriage.
(21:38):
Exactly right.
But, like you said in our Dean,we we have marriage.
Either you want to get marriedor you don't, so the only reason
you're talking to someone andyou're getting to know them is
for marriage.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
Exactly so.
There is very simple ways todismantle this and it really it
comes back to the firstmisconception we talked about.
Come back to the deen.
Honestly, that's like theanswer for every misconception
probably that we're going totackle.
Come back to the dean, and howdo we do that intention be
direct?
be clear clarity, uh, reaffirmthat this that you are speaking
(22:15):
to somebody for the purpose ofmarriage, that you know you have
a desire to get married andframe your conversations um,
with the goal of marriage,obviously with with the goal of
getting to know them in depth.
Right, that you're not wastingyour time talking about travel
destinations and the weather andthings like that okay, maybe in
(22:36):
the beginning as icebreakers,but the goal is to get to know
them in depth for the purpose ofmarriage and you know what.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
If you like really don't desire marriage.
Like, deep down, you're notlooking for marriage.
Like, be honest with yourselfand don't waste people's time.
If you are not ready formarriage right now, there are
certain circumstances thatprevent you from getting married
.
Don't waste people's times.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
Right, right and maybe just having certain
phrases in mind when you'respeaking to somebody that I'm
serious about marriage withinsix months to a year.
What is your time frame lookinglike?
Right like having thoseconversations early on, because
if the next, if the personyou're talking to is looking to
get married for after thefour-year graduate degree or
(23:22):
whatever degree, but you'relooking to get going in the next
year, then there's amisalignment and you're going to
be wasting your time yeah, alsohaving the time frame
discussion.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
You know, maybe we should coin it the time frame
discussion or or something likeuh hi, I'd like to get to know
you for the purpose of marriage.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
I am interested in marriage within within the next
year or two years I don't knowabout this, especially like in
the beginning stages, because itwas scared after you get past
the icebreakers and there's acertain level of comfortability
and we do ask it on ourregistration forms oh, yes, we
have to yeah, yeah but it'ssometimes, you know, a guy and a
(24:03):
girl are talking and it's beenfive, six, seven months and
there's this like confusion.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Neither of them brought the the the topic of
marriage itself, and they'rejust like hoping he's gonna
bring it up, she's gonna bringit up, and like it's just to get
resolved suddenly and magically.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
Right, and if you've been talking for six seven
months and you haven't had theconversation about time frame,
children, in-laws Not just inroles and responsibilities,
right, like, if you guys areboth working, then who's going
to be doing the day-to-daythings at home?
Things like that.
And six, seven months havepassed.
(24:44):
I mean, you're honestly wastingyour time.
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Visit us at halalmatchca andbook a free call with us.
So, misconception number threewe actually have talked about
(25:04):
this in the past, but it'simportant to also frame it as a
misconception, which isreligiosity equals a good spouse
.
And this goes back to ouroriginal point, which is looking
for surface value traits, right, where we see somebody or we
(25:25):
hear of somebody getting up fortahajjud, attending five daily
prayers in the masjid, and weautomatically assume that this
person has good character andthat this person qualifies for
marriage, which is a hugeproblem.
And so there's a dichotomybetween the character and the
internalization of faith withthe outward manifestations of
(25:46):
faith.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
I'd like to take this into a different direction.
Honestly that they could bereligious outwardly and they
could have a good character.
They're a good, decent humanbeing, like there's no dichotomy
there, right, but they lackemotional maturity.
They lack communication skills,they don't know how to handle
(26:07):
conflicts.
They get angry easily, theyhave self-esteem problems.
They lack leadership skills.
So it's not about like lookingreligious, but being an awful
person.
Speaker 2 (26:20):
Right.
So that's a good point, becausewhat's happening there is that
you are overlooking so manyother important qualities
because you're just so enamoredby the religiosity.
And we see this oh my God, thisperson is an Ali.
Speaker 1 (26:34):
He's a Hafez.
He's a Hafez Right.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
Or he has a big beard and like, oh my God, he's
perfect.
Speaker 1 (26:40):
And we see this.
The thing is this one we seethe most, I think, out of all
the misconceptions.
This, this, the thing is thisone we see the most.
I think, out of all themisconceptions, this one is the
most visible to us.
And when we ask potentialclients or clients, what are you
looking for in a spouse?
Speaker 2 (26:52):
a lot of times all we get is someone religious,
someone with a good dean andthat's the funny thing, when
they throw out that termreligious, sometimes they don't
understand what that means andwe have to go deeper, like what
does religious mean to you?
Because what religious means toyou is going to be what
religious means to me?
All right, for some people it'slike I want somebody is getting
(27:14):
up for tahajjud and likepraying at the masjid five times
a day, and for other peopleit's just like the basics who
doesn't do any haram, forexample.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
Right, yeah, but I think because we haven't taken
the time to think about theseterms and a lot of times it's
actually like reaffirmed oremphasized, like with good
intentions, of course, but bylike imams and shuyukh and stuff
, just emphasizing when lookingto marry, just marry someone
(27:42):
with a good deen.
If he fears Allah, then he willtreat you good.
Well, he could fear allah, buthe could be immature, right?
right so there is much more tocompatibility than religion,
like religion is the basic anddon't get us wrong, praying,
getting up for fajr is importantright fasting consistent that,
(28:03):
but don't use that as the solecriteria it's.
I think it should start fromthere, like if someone doesn't
have the basics and just today Iposted this reel, this clip
from our recent interview withdr omar hussein, and he was
saying like when looking for aspouse, start with the basics.
So if or when you, when you'relooking to get married, you
(28:24):
start with your basics.
If you're not consistentlypraying five times a day, then
start with that.
If you're not fasting Ramadan,start with that, and after
you've covered that, then, like,improve in other like areas and
stuff.
So that's the basic.
It doesn't mean like you're asuper, uh, super muslim if
you're praying and fasting.
Speaker 2 (28:46):
This is the basic yeah, but it's not the only
thing, though, and we can't denythat social media plays a part
in this absolutely, absolutelywe hear like soundbites and
people with a big beard quotingverses from the quran.
Sometimes they don't know whatthey're saying and they just
look outwardly religious rightyeah so one way to dismantle
this is to ask for concreteexamples of religious practice.
(29:09):
For example, you can ask theperson tell me about a time you
supported someone when it washard, whether it was morally
through your time, whatever itwas.
Um, scholars often use thisexample too, where they say you
know, when you're going throughthe courting phase and you're
meeting somebody out in public,see how they treat the waiter.
Yeah, that's a good one, yeah,all right.
(29:30):
What's another example?
Speaker 1 (29:32):
Tell me about your favorite ayah, and why is it
your favorite ayah?
Tell me about a time where youfound an answer to a problem in
the Quran.
Tell me how you spend yourRamadan.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
Yeah, so open-ended questions.
That reveals something abouttheir relationship with their
deen.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Instead of asking do you prayand do you fast, right?
Which goes back to our questionepisode.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
Yeah, Another way is to add behavioral checks in the
getting to know stage Right.
So an example of that islooking for examples of how they
handle conflict.
Everybody goes through conflictat some point in their life,
but it's about how you handle itand how you manage that.
Asking questions about therelationship with their parents,
(30:21):
with their siblings, with theirextended family.
Speaker 1 (30:26):
Notice their emotional reactions, like
throughout the courting phase.
You're gonna have disagreements.
You might even have like fightsor whatever right.
He might have a problem withwork or with his parents.
So notice his emotionalreactions.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
Nobody has a perfect relationship with every sphere
of their life their their work,their family, their community.
There will be conflicts at insome realm, in some form or
another, and the question is howdo they handle?
Speaker 1 (30:57):
it exactly, do they?
Speaker 2 (30:58):
avoid it?
Do they confront it?
Speaker 1 (30:59):
notice.
Does she gossip?
Does he gossip?
Speaker 2 (31:04):
and one way to actually that's a good point.
One way to assess that is byseeing how much are they willing
to open up or share secretsabout someone else to you right
because if they're willing toshare someone else's secrets
with you.
Most likely they're going toshare your secrets with someone
else yeah exactly, yeah, yeah,yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
So besides looking for their religion like we said,
religion is the first thing,but it's not the only thing Look
for these things to assesscompatibility.
You could have a alim and aalima, two scholars who are so
pious and stuff, but theircharacters are just complete
(31:45):
opposite.
They would be terrible spousesto each other, not because
they're not religious, butbecause this is just how people
are.
Speaker 2 (31:54):
Last misconception Marriage will fix me or my
partner will complete me, and Ifeel this is consistent with
both of our cultures.
Yeah, yeah.
I've seen it so much in my ownfamily my or extended family in
fact, where there have been somevery inappropriate behaviors,
(32:15):
um, specifically drinking and um, and the approach was getting
him married so that he could fixup or change.
And of course that didn'tchange and it was a disastrous
marriage but um, same thing,same thing we have in our
culture with an added layer.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
So same thing.
Usually it's a guy.
He has some, has somebehavioral issues, some bad
habits.
Get him married he'll marriagewas treating him right, right
and it doesn't, and sometimesit's not even bad habits.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
Get him married he'll marriage will straighten him
right, right, and it doesn't andsometimes it's not even bad
habits, it's just immaturity.
And then marriage will make himmature and marriage just makes
things worse.
Speaker 1 (32:56):
And then then let let them have children, have
children, and the child willcome and heal all the problems,
fix all the problems.
And of course it doesn't.
It just becomes worse.
Exactly, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
So where does this come from?
Does it come from a vacuum?
No, it doesn't.
It comes from sometimes moviesright, you see, the guy who's
just lazy, unambitious, immature, all of these things, and then
this perfect girl comes along,and then she's like the cure to
the problem, right she pusheshim to change and to improve,
(33:34):
and all of that, yeah, yeah yeah, um, we sometimes see this play
out with financial stabilitytoo, that when you're married,
then you it will force you be tobecome financially right To
take a career or a job moreseriously, and that just becomes
more problematic.
Right.
So the point is that thesethings have to be done prior to
(33:55):
marriage.
You have to work on the internalstuff.
So, going back to marriagebeing a solution to problems
immigration we heard all thetime, right, like I need to get
my green, like I need to get mygreen card, need to get my pr
card, and marriage is going tofix that.
So we can skip over thecompatibility, we can skip over
all the important questions,because right now I have to
(34:18):
solve this problem and well, Imean it was.
It did work out in one case inmy family, but generally
speaking, it's one of the worstthings you could do.
Speaker 1 (34:29):
It's unfair to you, it's unfair to the girl right,
yeah, for sure.
Marriage is half our dean.
It's a compliment.
It's not a cure.
Marriage actually, actuallymarriage is not going to fix
your problems.
On the contrary, it willmagnify them.
Because if you have temperamentproblems, believe me, marriage
(34:51):
is beautiful and all of that,but also it comes with sometimes
testing moments, challengingmoments.
You're living with this person.
He's going to provoke you,sometimes going to vex you,
sometimes You're going to do thesame.
So if you have a temperamentproblems, it's just going to
blow up in same.
So if you have a temperamentproblems, it's just gonna blow
up in marriage.
If you have, like, badfinancial habits, marriage is
(35:11):
gonna just magnify them.
Um, I don't know if you haveimmaturity, if you have anger
problems, like so, don't entermarriage with this fixing
mindset yeah or or not, justfixing mindset.
Speaker 2 (35:25):
But I'd also add don't come in with dependency
expectations.
Exactly, exactly, yeah.
Because that will lead toresentment.
Because when your partner can'tsolve the problem so let's say,
for example, going back to theimmigration point, let's say for
some reason that the marriagedidn't solve the immigration
problem then you're just goingto resent your spouse it's
(35:47):
because of you.
It's your fault right, it'syour fault and so the intention
that you came into this marriageor relationship with um didn't
get fulfilled, and now, insteadof loving your spouse, you
resent them.
Right, all right yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:00):
So meanwhile, while if you're a single muslim
listening to us and you'reasking yourself what can I do
now, start working on yourself.
Like you know yourself betterthan anyone else.
You know if you have some angerissues, you know if you have
some ego problems.
You know if you need to work onyour deen or you need to work
(36:21):
on your health.
You need to improve your diet,whatever it is.
You need to improve your diet,whatever it is.
You need to become morefinancially mature and maybe
have some financial literacy,right.
So don't wait for marriage andthen start taking these courses
and the coaching.
And this is a.
This is a golden time.
(36:41):
You're single.
You don't have thatresponsibility of marriage and
kids and household and whatever.
This is your golden time.
Use it.
Speaker 2 (36:50):
Yeah, so personal story.
I've shared the story before.
I think it was probably thefirst episode, first or second
episode where we shared ourmarriage story and how my
journey spanned nine years andone of the takeaways that I feel
I got from my search, and thenespecially in the last few
(37:12):
months prior to getting married,was that I need to work on my
faith, that I need to work ontrusting Allah's plan.
And so, going back to talk aboutself-work I think my self-work
(37:34):
was on my spirituality, rightand um, and just being patient
with my journey wherever it goesand, of course, tying my camel,
putting in the work, um inmatrimony websites, making dua,
things like that, of course, butrealizing that, um, I have to
leave the rest to allah yeah, sothat that was my inner work, I
(37:56):
think okay.
Speaker 1 (37:58):
Well, I can think of one thing I had to work on
before we started talkingactually, which is self-esteem.
I used, I remember, like aspecific period in my life and I
used to have such lowself-esteem like I used to walk
in the campus and thinking that,you know, there are students
(38:20):
around us, they're laughing,they're talking whatever.
I used to think they'relaughing at me.
I'm walking, they're laughingat me, they're laughing, they're
talking whatever.
I used to think they'relaughing at me, I'm walking,
they're laughing at me, they'retalking about me.
And, of course, which wasn'ttrue and part of it is because
of my visual impairment and thenI I don't know exactly how the
switch happened, but I think Ijust started just trusting
Allah's plan more and justbelieving that, like we're, and
(38:46):
that people are good, people arenot conspiring against me,
people are don't hate me, don'tmock me.
Like there was a switch that Ican't honestly put my finger on
it and, alhamdulillah, myself-esteem skyrocketed and like
, did you notice, when westarted talking, that I'm a
confident person or I lackconfidence?
(39:07):
Like what was your impression?
Speaker 2 (39:10):
I feel like you were a person who had a good sense of
boundaries.
For example, when we firststarted talking, one of the
first things you mentioned wasyour visual impairment,
impairment, and and so youwanted to make sure that that
(39:31):
was something I was comfortablewith, not just for the sake of
moving forward, but it's justlike this is a part of my
identity.
This is a part.
This is something that I I'vedealt with for a long time.
So either you're on board withthis or you're not or don't
waste my time.
That was kind of the vibe rightlike this is serious, right like
like this is something thatI've dealt with for some time.
(39:52):
That was kind of the feeling Iwas getting, and so, of course,
I had to wrestle a few thingswith that.
But, um, but yeah, I'd say,yeah, confidence was there, but
more of a sense of boundaries.
Speaker 1 (40:07):
You know, I try to imagine like if I entered
marriage with low self-esteem, Idon't think you would have find
that attractive.
Oh, of course not.
Speaker 2 (40:17):
Yeah, yeah, I don't think I'd argue that it looks
more unattractive with guys thangirls.
Speaker 1 (40:23):
Yes, absolutely For sure, For sure, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:25):
Yeah, I've always heard that, that maybe that I
don't know if that's amisconception, but girls find
self-confidence a huge likemeans of attraction of course,
because it's associated withleadership.
Speaker 1 (40:39):
It's associated with strength, strength and like,
with just being a man, I guess,manhood.
We just last episode.
We're talking about manhood andmasculinity and all of that.
So, by the way, it was a greatepisode, honestly masculinity
and toxic masculinity highlyrecommended with dr number uh 74
(41:01):
, I think just the episodebefore this one wow, yeah, mash,
wow we're in our 70s nowinshallah.
Once we hit 100, we should dosomething special.
I don't know what, but if youhave any ideas for us what to do
on our 100th episode.
Yeah, we're all ears and eyes,but those were the
(41:22):
misconceptions.
I hope you guys that you leavethis episode with a sense of
just giving the other gender orthe other person the benefit of
the doubt and not generalizing.
Speaker 2 (41:37):
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Like we said before, there issome truth to these
misconceptions.
But not every girl is a golddigger.
Not every guy is just lookingfor beauty.
There are people who want to gobeyond the surface, so take the
time to look for that to lookfor those people.
Speaker 1 (41:57):
And also, once you become like the best version of
yourself we're not talking aboutperfection, just the best
version of yourself you willattract the right people.
Speaker 2 (42:08):
Yeah, I was just going to say that you will
become the magnet of what youwant.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
Absolutely, absolutely For sure.
Speaker 2 (42:13):
So why don't you guys share a misconception that we
might have missed?
Or maybe you guys can expand onone of the misconceptions or
conceptions that we shared.
Speaker 1 (42:22):
Yeah, just let us know your thoughts in the
comments.
Speaker 2 (42:24):
Yeah.
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