April 29, 2024 • 29 mins
It's a journey many of us are on—disentangling from the web of generational habits to foster healthier relationships with our children. In this episode of Difficult Conversations, we wade into the deep waters of family dynamics, sharing personal stories that shine a light on the necessity of transforming our inherited behaviors. Therapy may not always be within reach, but personal accountability is. We discuss the profound influence our actions and words have on the younger generation and the need to meet our children where they are, allowing them to develop at their own pace.
Raising emotionally intelligent children requires a delicate touch—one that respects their unique qualities and nurtures their individual growth. We address the pivotal role of conversations in understanding and responding to our children's emotional worlds. Through anecdotes and reflections, we explore the evolving concepts of respect and authority, and the impact of our own upbringings on our current parenting styles, emphasizing the critical balance of being both a friend and a figure of authority.
Join us as we navigate the complexities of parenting through generational trauma, setting boundaries, and, ultimately, laying the groundwork for our children to grow into brilliant, strong individuals.
Visit our IG page at https://www.instagram.com/dc_overcoffee/ to join the conversation!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Assalamu alaikum, Welcome to Difficult
Conversations where we tackletaboo topics in a safe space
through empowerment andeducation.
The information on this podcastis for informational purposes
only and should not beconsidered professional.
Mental health advice.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
I want us to talk about a little bit about the
things that our parents did andthe things our family used to do
that have kind of we've noticedhave negative impact on us and
our behavior, and maybe evenother people's behavior, and how
we are planning on not passingthat to down to our kids.
(00:42):
How do you feel about that?
Speaker 3 (00:46):
How I feel.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Don't ask the therapist Come on now.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
You know well, actually, you know I want to say
something about that.
I know in a podcast, I intendto use the word therapy therapy
a lot, and I recognize thattherapy is not for everyone.
That's one.
Secondly, not everybody has theprivilege to actually seek out
therapy or have the financialfamily safety to do that.
(01:12):
So I just want to create thatdisclaimer before I use a lot of
it.
So in this episode I'm going tobe using a lot of that.
So I just want to give you guysa heads up on that.
I said heads up on that.
I think the thing aboutgenerational cycle is like one
of those things that yourparents had said to you earlier
and you're like, if I have myown kids, I'm never going to do
(01:32):
that.
So it's more like those things.
Like, for example, in America,it's like when they say, do you
have McDonald's money?
It's like every parent is like,yes, I have McDonald's money
for my children, because myparents always used to say that
to me.
Or if they say, you know, go toTarget, don't look at anything,
don't touch anything, justwe're gonna go in and get what
(01:54):
we want.
So it's kind of similar to that.
And for you as a parent, whatare those generational cycles
that you guys are working onbreaking when it comes to your
kids?
Because I think one of thethings that I'm sure you always
say about your kid is like youhave one that is very like, head
on, have our own boundaries,and then you have the one that
(02:15):
is like very like yourself, verytimid, very quiet, very common,
collective.
Like what are thosegenerational cycles that you
guys are working on breaking asa parent?
Like, what are thosegenerational cycles that you
guys are working on breaking asa parent, I think.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
I think these things are like so insidious right that
, like you don't even recognizethat you are living out your
experiences in childhood and Idon't even know if I want to
call it trauma.
I know you know you say that alot of things are trauma and
stuff like that.
Wanted to call it trauma.
I know you know you say that alot of things are trauma and
(02:46):
stuff like that.
But it's just certainsituations where, like you're
like whoa, where did maria comefrom?
you know what I mean and, likeyou, you say it and then you,
like that sounded exactly likemy mother, exactly you know, um,
and I think I don't.
I don't spend the time to sitdown and be like, ok, why did I
(03:07):
say that to her and where didthat come from?
I might, like you know, make amental note and be like, oh,
maybe you shouldn't say thatnext time.
But my question, I guess foryou guys, is at that point have
you already done the mentaldamage?
Speaker 3 (03:28):
that point.
Have you already done themental damage?
So I have actually a story andthen you guys can tap on that.
So I was talking to one of mynephew um, I think a couple of
months ago, and we were havingthis conversation.
I'm noticing that I'm gettingtriggered in the conversation
and and then he brought it backand how that trigger made him
not feel, but like how itsounded.
So I heard myself from hismouth like whoa, is that what I
(03:52):
said?
And then usually what I do isthat I hang up the phone and
then I just like walk away andso I can process it alone, not
to kind of deal with theconversation while it's
happening.
So that day I sat with him andacknowledged myself,
acknowledged and tookaccountability in how I said it
and apologized for it and I saidI am sorry.
(04:14):
I just realized how thatsounded like and I'm seeing why,
because it was more like I wastreating him as 10 year old
version of himself, while he'sthis like young adult person and
he's not the same 10 year oldperson that I used to.
I raised, helped, raise Right,and so I'm operating from that
(04:37):
frame of mindset where he'sstill 10 years old to my mind
but he's not.
He's a grown person who canmake his own decision and apply
that.
And so when I've hurt myself,it's like I said, I'm sorry.
I just realized what I was justdoing.
I was treating you as your10-year version of you, but I
didn't realize how much thatyou're grown as a person and you
(04:58):
are a young man technically.
I haven't really met you whereyou are.
Yes, you can say I'm atherapist and because of this
happened.
But I also had to do a lot ofinternal work to understand like
I can't treat my niece andnephew, who are in their 20s,
compared to how I firstinteracted with them when they
were younger, because now theyhave their own mindset, they
(05:19):
have their own feelings, theyhave their understanding.
So I have to kind of tap in.
And so when it comes to like asa being, a parent, like you're
seeing your child grow from atoddler who's saying no to you,
to everything and now, like thatno is not changing based on how
they read your face, based onhow you react.
So how do you guys break thosegenerational cycles?
(05:41):
Um?
Speaker 2 (05:44):
I think for me there's a lot of mental note
that was taken right, like whenI was a kid I would be like, oh,
if it was me then I wouldn't dothis.
But I think, um, acknowledgingthat therapy is not for
everybody, one of the few thingsthat I noticed while going
through therapy was that a lotof, even the things that my
family probably thought theywere doing in positive right,
(06:06):
not just.
No, it's not always necessarilya negative thing.
Sometimes it's the positivething, the positive things, such
as like oh, you know, I'vetalked about this before like,
oh, bonnie's gonna be somethinggreat someday.
That puts an unnecessary,unrealistic expectation on your
child.
It's good to make them feellike they're going, they're
great, right, but then alsomaking them understand that
(06:30):
you're you're just an averagejoe, like you're cool, like if,
if you are living yournine-to-five life and if you're
happy and content and you'regood member of society, that's
good, that's normal, that's okay, that's more than okay, you're
succeeding.
You know what I mean.
Versus like feeling like, um,there's this expectation from
(06:53):
you to kind of do something epic, so everything that's not epic
feels like a failure.
You know what I mean.
And that was not done and withthe intention to, like you know,
put this pressure on me, or andit's not just me there's a lot.
There's actually a saying thatkids that have been told that
they're great or they're goingto be great or they're, you know
(07:13):
, they they sometime whenthey're children and they show
this exponential um, maybethey're doing better than their
peers.
So they're the, the teachers andthe parents, and everybody just
zones in and focuses on theirintelligence or their whatever.
They tend to do worse thantheir peers later on in life
(07:35):
because they can't keep up withthe expectation right.
So that's one thing I'venoticed that, like, I'm like no,
you can't hyper focus on, onyour child's specific talent,
which is why, like, for example,um, actually my, my, um son had
his um winter, um parentteacher conference and the
(07:57):
teacher was telling us like youknow, yusuf is the only one in
his kid, in his class that canactually read a book from front,
front to back, and he's he'slike, sits around and like he,
his peers sit around him and helike reads the book for them.
And she's like you know, youguys should entertain the idea
of like, maybe getting himtested to be able to skip a
class.
I was like no, he's not goingto skip a class, there's no
(08:20):
point.
Like, that year is not going tosave him anything in the long
run.
But then in that year of like,where he's not in the same age
group, then he's going to feelbehind.
He might be ahead of hisacademically, academically, of
his peers, but he's not the sameas, of, you know, the
kindergartners, right?
So he's gonna go from being thehead kid to the behind kid,
(08:43):
which is not good.
I don't want him to play catchup all his life.
You know, let them meet himwhere he is, versus him trying
to meet other people.
Uh, so that's one thing, evennoticing that, hey, the positive
affirmations that you're doingto your kid might be damaging to
them, versus, like, you know,like it's not always the
negative things.
Secondly, the negative aspectsof like, hey, making comments
(09:07):
about the kid's appearance, likenot hyper fixating on the kids.
And this also could be, uh, inthe positive category of like,
not hyper fixating on, like yourdaughter's beauty, or your
son's beauty, or you know, ortheir skin tone, right, oh,
she's so, she's so yellow bonedor she's so light, you know, her
hair is so smooth and so long.
That's our, our community'sthing, right, like the euro,
(09:31):
euro, eurocentric beautystandards, right?
So, like, not hyper fixating onthose things and not hyper
fixating on their flaws, eitherbeing like, oh, this or not even
flaws, like hyper fixating onthe fact that they're not like
for my daughter.
I fight against this a lotwhere she's not like lay down
and take it kind of chick.
She's a two year old sassy.
(09:52):
She will set the world on fireand I'll let her old sassy.
She will set the world on fireand I'll let her.
That's, and I want to be ableto embrace that instead of being
like oh no, you know, she's um,she doesn't listen normally.
No.
Talk to her in a way she'llunderstand, explain to her in
her language.
Um, of course I am no gentleparenter, you know, I am like
(10:15):
old school, in the sense that Ihave discipline, I have rules, I
have regulations, I have to bea respectful person and so on
and so forth.
But your personality is not aflaw, like.
Your personality is who you are, and I'll meet you where you
are.
I'm not gonna try to bend youand contort you and to fit in to
make my life convenient.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I think so.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Listen to you.
I feel like one of the biggestthings I have to fight against
as a parent um is all of thatlike community standards and um,
you know, judging your childbased on um, x, y and z or
whatever and then.
But the other thing is justlike pigeonholing your child.
Right, this is the shy one,this is the not obnoxious but
(11:03):
like this is the fighter, youknow.
And just putting a label on thechild even before they're able
to grow up and decide that labelfor themselves.
And, honestly, kids really,they notice these things, they
notice that.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
They become what you call them.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Yeah, they become like it's a self-fulfilling
prophecy and, like my oldest,she'll call you out on it.
Right, they'll call you out andbe like, okay, well, you let
her, or you let fatu do a, b andc, and you know, you never let
me do this and um, and stufflike that.
So when, so the other day, Iwas like you know what, let me
(11:46):
implement something.
You know, let me sit the oldestdown and talk to her and have
her be like okay, like tell me,uh, let's walk through or let's
talk through, she was likehaving this meltdown and she was
um, very emotional and stufflike that.
So, just me and her, we went inthe closet and we, just we just
talked and she's and the amountof, like, emotional intelligence
(12:09):
surprised me.
Yeah, right, yeah, and I'm justlike whoa, like, and she's able
to define or like explain,communicate, communicate what
she's feeling, why she felt thatway, why, like, she felt like
her sister was doing A, b and Cto her big age.
(12:39):
I'm not able to be like, okay,and I was so like proud of her.
But then I was also like like Idon't know, not threatened, but
I'm just like, well, like, howdo I handle that?
You know, as somebody thatdoesn't is not outwardly
emotional, um, or like show alot of like emotion and stuff
like that, it she's a like a bigcontrast to me, um, and so I
had to work through my problemsfirst and be like, okay, let me
(13:02):
just let her go through it andfigure it out.
And and we were able to, youknow, figure out what she wanted
me to do and she's like youknow what, I want you to get the
younger sister and talk to heras well and explain to her and
basically facilitate us talkingto each other right and that she
hurt my feelings and did a, band c.
So it was an eye-openingexperience.
Speaker 3 (13:24):
Some of the things that I always say is that, like
children would for parents thisis for our parent.
Listeners are like yourchildren is going to trigger the
part of your childhood that youare not getting your emotional
needs not be met and when thathappens you should reassess.
When you're like, oh, thathurts here and I'm feeling so
strongly about it, it's like Ineed to go reevaluate myself,
(13:47):
like what is something aboutthis situation that's bringing
up for me and validate?
The fact is that somebody saidthis.
I'm having so many examplesright now.
There was a lady she recently.
She said she was watching avideo and then she just felt
like something was not rightwithin her while she's watching
this video.
It wasn't about the video, it'sabout her own emotional
triggers.
(14:07):
That happened while she waswatching a video.
She kept going back to thevideo, back and forth, back and
forth, and then she said I hadto realize that I didn't have
this level of childhood safety,that I couldn't watch that video
and I was getting annoyedwatching that person tell a
story about their childhood andso I had to leave that.
So when you both are talkingabout how do I break
(14:29):
generational cycle, is that thethings that was not available to
you you're allowing your childto do it, you're honoring that
instead of kind of like puttinga negative reinforcement on them
.
You're like, yeah, you want toGo ahead, because sometimes
children what is the first wordchildren say when they are able
to speak?
Speaker 1 (14:49):
No.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
No Right, that, no wallahi.
That is a boundary, that is thebiggest boundaries that we
don't see it as.
But then what do we do?
We dim it as they continue togrow.
So when they are able tounderstand the society that
they're in now, they no longersay no.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
I can't think of how many times I've said like are
you going to say no to me as aparent and that I don't know
that feels so, so uncomfortable.
It's just like because we kindof superimpose it on the whole,
like respect for parents, right,and how we grow up, it's like
(15:31):
there were my, your parents wordwas the final say and you, you
didn't have, um, you didn't haveany way to be like.
Let me explain this to you righteven to this day, like our
relationship with my parents islike you don't, you don't really
be like OK, this is what Ithink and this is what we should
do.
You know it's like OK, what doyou want me to do?
Speaker 2 (15:52):
Yeah, no, when you were speaking, you kind of
triggered a thought in my brain,because you know when, when,
when you're a kid and you feellike your parents are talking
and then they tell you why areyou quiet?
I'm saying all of these things,and then when you start talking,
oh, you're responding back tome.
Huh, and I think it's it for mein my growing up process, like
(16:20):
there's a lot of things that I'mI can see myself, um, getting
triggered by, but it's notnecessarily by my kids, it's by
my nieces, right, cause they'recloser, like they're, I mean, I
guess they're like they're mykid, like they are doing the
triggering for me before my kids.
(16:41):
So hopefully I can get thereout of it before my kids get to
that age.
That's true, but, like I, I'mnoticing that, like, for example
, when, um, my nieces get to, mynieces get to have like these
things, they, they ask, theythey have this balls to ask, be
like, hey, mom, can I go dothese things?
(17:03):
Yeah, that I never thought Icould even ask, because you know
, you didn't think it wasavailable to you.
I didn't think it was availableto me.
So when I see that I have thisvery harsh and negative reaction
to it, but I'm so far I'mremoved from them that they
don't, I'm not like affectingthem, it's just I'm experiencing
it and I'm also realizing,realizing and alhamdulillah for
(17:28):
some reason I always say thislike god has put me in positions
and spaces where peoplechallenged my thought process,
so that when I first gotpregnant with my first son, the
first thing I did was go totherapy.
I that's like the mostconsistent therapy that I've had
started then because I was likeI don't want to parent from a
space of trauma where I am moreof a friend or more of like, um,
(17:52):
I'm authoritative, notnecessarily in authority,
because I I thought I was goingto be more lenient towards my
child, because I didn't want tobe so strict as, like you, know
how I was raised and I was likebut that's not healthy either.
You know, you don't want to be afriend to your your kids.
You want to be a parent to yourkids.
(18:12):
Your kids need parents, notfriends.
Yeah, um, and then being ableto understand like I think
that's the best thing parentscan do is that, especially if
you've gone through something,especially if you've had like if
, even if it's not the mostunhealthy upbringing, but it's
not the most healthy upbringingif you feel like there's residue
(18:33):
of some sort of thing that hasgone, that you feel like you
could have done better or thatcould have been that could have
been done better for you, it'sbetter to work it out in therapy
so that when you come and yourkids are doing these things,
you're able to step back and say, okay, am I going to let this
(18:53):
thing happen just because Ididn't get to do it, or am I
going to process and say, okay,what's the right thing to do?
Right, what's the right thingto do right?
Yeah, for me, for example.
Um, let's say, for example, ifmy daughter wants to go to
homecoming, yeah, right, I neverwent to homecoming and I'm just
(19:13):
throwing out a random example.
My daughter is too.
She's not going to homecomingin a long time.
But am I gonna say yes justbecause I didn't get to go right
or because I wasn't evenallowed to ask that question?
Or am I gonna say no becausewhere?
Where's my no and where's myyes coming from?
What's the reasoning behind it?
I have to justify it in my headso that if she asks why, I have
(19:36):
to be able to give a reasonablewhy which she will have.
Yeah, why yeah, and I think I dobelieve no is no.
My son says it too no is no,it's a good answer.
Like I think no, because I saidso, is a good answer.
As long as you don't use it allthe time.
Yeah, there are certain thingswhere I don't want my, I don't
want to sit.
I can sit there and explain tomy child the fire birds, but if
(20:00):
that, he that's not computingfor him.
Maybe, if it's because he's tooyoung or something like that,
he should understand.
Mommy said no and no is no,yeah, and that's not computing
for him.
Maybe if it's because he's tooyoung or something like that, he
should understand.
Mommy said no and no is no yeah, and that's fine until he meet
me.
We're at age where we could sitthere and have that
conversation.
You know what I mean.
So I feel like parents should beable to one set a space for
(20:20):
your kids to disagree.
I think your kids should beable to disagree with you to a
certain degree withoutconsequence.
So like when I tell yusuf andnafi no if they don't like it
and if that's something that'svaluable to them, even at age of
two and four, they say no,mommy, I want to do this.
No, no, no, why no?
(20:41):
But I want to, you know, andespecially yusuf, now he's
learning to push back.
So I sit down, I regulate hisfeelings, I'm like okay, so if I
understand, you want this, butthis is why we're not doing it.
Okay, do you know?
And you know he's afour-year-old, so he fixates on
that thing.
So you go, let him, or disagree, let him just, you know, give
(21:01):
it that point of view and thenat some point, bring down the
wall and be like okay, Iexplained, this is what it is.
You, you said your piece, wetried to.
You know compromise, and ifnone of these work, you have two
options either you do thisthing or you do this thing.
Which one do you want to do?
Yeah, so I think, and I thinkoptions work for kids options,
options work Very well, verywell.
(21:24):
Just being able to give themroom to be individuals.
Give them room to disagree.
Don't be an authoritarianhousehold where the kid doesn't
have any value and any voice.
Right, the kids should be ableto have the illusion of choice.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
No, not.
So you remember how we theactual choice too.
Speaker 3 (21:47):
We talked about how being indecisive as an adult
happens and we becomeself-sabotaging and we do these
things right.
All those behaviors startedwhen those conversations are
happening right.
All of those like I can'tdecide because I'm doing
according to what my parent toldme.
Speaker 1 (22:04):
I think that's one of the biggest things like I'm
working through with my oldestright now, because, like, even
like as small as getting dressedfor school, right?
So I'll be like, okay, do youwant to pick out an outfit?
And so she'll be like, okay,which one should I wear?
I was like, whatever you want,she's like okay.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
I was like she's like okay.
I was like she's like oh, whichone do?
Speaker 1 (22:28):
you want.
I was like, no, she's askingyou, she's asking me.
Yeah, she's like which one doyou want?
I said, no, it's, it's what youwant you pick.
Yeah, you know.
And so getting them to used tothe idea of making those
decisions for themselves andjust know that, like every kid,
all every kid has a differentpersonality, a different amal.
You can say that, like, how Ireact to one kid it's completely
(22:50):
different to how I react to theother, you know, because they
both need two different thingsfrom me, you know, and so I
can't do like a blanket thing.
And so my oldest she's, youknow, obviously going to, she
has online classes and she hasQuran that she's learning, and
then the other one, she's three,so she's too young and so a lot
(23:10):
of my time it's like explainingto the oldest that, okay, well,
she's not ready for this yet.
You know, this is something youhave to do, you know what I mean
and just talking with themthrough those little things,
because they might kind ofregister it as it's not fair
right, Like I'm having to dothis and she's not.
She's not doing you know, X, yand Z.
(23:31):
But the other thing is I want tostress that, like, kids are an
amanah from Allah SWT.
You know this is I think of itas like they're alone to you
right, like this is somethingthat Allah has given you and so
you have to kind of care for itin the best way that you can and
then realizing how, like yourbaggage and stuff like that
(23:55):
might affect them and gettingthem to like the best outcome
that you can get them to.
Speaker 2 (24:01):
So definitely, and I think I think when I say and I
want to clarify a little bitwhen I say the illusion of
choice, is that there is alsothis thing called decision
fatigue, right?
So, kids, they have tounderstand that you, their realm
of reality, in their own, theirrealm of like, power is a
(24:22):
certain level, like, for example, um, I knew that from a very
young age that, like what myneighbors had I couldn't have,
not necessarily neighbors, butmy school friends had I couldn't
have.
We didn't have the same money,right?
So for my parents they wouldtake when I would go shopping.
(24:42):
They didn't take me where theother people went shopping, they
took me to this place and theysaid this is the choice from
here.
Speaker 3 (24:50):
You can choose, yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:51):
Not from here.
You can't.
Even if you wanted to, youcan't.
So that illusion of choice isthat you take them where they
can make the choices withoutlike boundaries you know what I
mean, boundaries like you knowwhat I mean but then you have
already put that boundary aheadof time so that you are letting
them explore within that time,that, that that dynamic.
For example, when you aretalking about clothes um, for my
(25:15):
kid, I don't normally say, like, go to your closet and pick
whatever you want I say, okay,you.
So if you have to pick a shirt,you have to pick a pants, you
have to pick underwear and youhave to pick a sweatshirt
because it's cold.
So there's that boundary that'salready created because he
can't say, oh, I'm just going towear a T-shirt and go, that's
not a choice.
You have to have these fourthings.
(25:35):
That's the boundary that I'veset already, and then from that
you can go to each of thedrawers and be able to pick one.
So the illusion of choice isthat he thinks he's doing it on
his own, but I've already setout these lists that he has to
pick he has to kind of choosefrom that will keep him safe.
So I don't think that free notnecessarily what you're doing is
(25:59):
wrong or anything.
I'm just saying, like when Isay illusion, I don't want to
make you know what I'm saying, Iwant to make sure I'm
clarifying what illusion ofchoice looks like in my
household.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
Yeah, so it sounds like you know therapy is part of
generational cycle that you'redoing and you are also kind of
providing a way of to regulateself-awareness.
Self-awareness, um, providingchoices for your child to make
sure that they're able to decide, and setting boundaries and
respecting their boundaries withyou as a parent, um, in a way
(26:29):
that.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
and I think I think one last thing I want to.
I know we're wrapping up, butone last thing I want to also
touch upon is the modelingaspect of parenting and making
sure that, like, if you'resaying one thing to your child,
you're not doing completely theopposite thing, because they're
consistent with yeah be superconsistent and if you know one
(26:50):
day they're not able to do this,then the next day should be the
exact same thing too, right?
because if, if, if you aresending mixed messages, that's
really going to confuse thechild, yep, and they'll call you
out on it.
Speaker 3 (27:02):
Don't trust you, because they're like well, mommy
said this, but I know she'sgoing to do that so it's kind of
learning to also, like I saidearlier, learning to apologize
when you recognize your, becauseI think that what it teaches
the emotional safety that you'recreating with them when you
recognize your shortcoming, withyour kids as they grow older
not right now.
(27:22):
But even now, if you do, you cango ahead and do that.
But when, the more they grow,the more you see and you
apologize, you're building trust, you bring emotional safety, so
they'll come to you more withmore things.
So I think this is a way ofkind of.
I think this is a conversationwe might have to continue to
have.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
But this is a starting of those generational
cycles that we are continuing tobreak so we can have
sustainable, strong, brilliant,resilient children in this world
.
I want to add one more thingabout that forgiveness and
apology.
I want to add one more thingabout that forgiveness and
apology when you make a mistake,acknowledging that you made a
mistake and saying I'm sorry.
When you overreact, when you'refeeling like you're being
triggered and you're acted froma space of trigger, instead of
like that, likedisproportionately to what the
child did, apologizing,acknowledging why you did it
this way and then that way theycan do it themselves too.
(28:13):
Right, and being able to cometo go to them instead of them
asking you to like going to them, be like, hey, so and so I
thought you know, maybe mommywas a little loud and I'm so
sorry, and when they call youout on it, owning up to it, you
know, because they would say I'msorry, mommy, don't be
defensive, yeah, for doing thisand this, but you should have,
you know, done this, yeah, thisand this, but you should have,
(28:42):
you know, done this, yeah, sayyes, I probably should have.
I'm so sorry, you know, and atthe same time, also, when you
and your husband and you andyour wife are communicating,
making sure you're modeling whatyou're teaching yeah, for them
to do with their peers, yeah.
so if you're talking in a tone,if you're talking in a volume,
if you're communicating and ifthe other person is feeling sad,
making sure you're apologizingand being in tuned, and so on
and so forth, they see you guysinteract with each other and
they practice that with theirwith their peers.
(29:03):
So just making sure that we arepracticing what we preach.
Speaker 3 (29:08):
Absolutely.
I think that's we're going toreally leave it there.
This has been a difficultconversation, so assalamualaikum
.
Speaker 1 (29:17):
Join the conversation in the comment section or on
our social media pages.
We do not have all the answers,and our biggest goal is to kick
off the conversation and get itstarted.
May Allah accept our effortsand use us for catalysts of
change.
Assalamu alaikum, Welcome to Difficult
Conversations where we tackletaboo topics in a safe space
through empowerment andeducation.
The information on this podcastis for informational purposes
only and should not beconsidered professional.
Mental health advice.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
I want us to talk about a little bit about the
things that our parents did andthe things our family used to do
that have kind of we've noticedhave negative impact on us and
our behavior, and maybe evenother people's behavior, and how
we are planning on not passingthat to down to our kids.
(00:42):
How do you feel about that?
Speaker 3 (00:46):
How I feel.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
Don't ask the therapist Come on now.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
You know well, actually, you know I want to say
something about that.
I know in a podcast, I intendto use the word therapy therapy
a lot, and I recognize thattherapy is not for everyone.
That's one.
Secondly, not everybody has theprivilege to actually seek out
therapy or have the financialfamily safety to do that.
(01:12):
So I just want to create thatdisclaimer before I use a lot of
it.
So in this episode I'm going tobe using a lot of that.
So I just want to give you guysa heads up on that.
I said heads up on that.
I think the thing aboutgenerational cycle is like one
of those things that yourparents had said to you earlier
and you're like, if I have myown kids, I'm never going to do
(01:32):
that.
So it's more like those things.
Like, for example, in America,it's like when they say, do you
have McDonald's money?
It's like every parent is like,yes, I have McDonald's money
for my children, because myparents always used to say that
to me.
Or if they say, you know, go toTarget, don't look at anything,
don't touch anything, justwe're gonna go in and get what
(01:54):
we want.
So it's kind of similar to that.
And for you as a parent, whatare those generational cycles
that you guys are working onbreaking when it comes to your
kids?
Because I think one of thethings that I'm sure you always
say about your kid is like youhave one that is very like, head
on, have our own boundaries,and then you have the one that
(02:15):
is like very like yourself, verytimid, very quiet, very common,
collective.
Like what are thosegenerational cycles that you
guys are working on breaking asa parent?
Like, what are thosegenerational cycles that you
guys are working on breaking asa parent, I think.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
I think these things are like so insidious right that
, like you don't even recognizethat you are living out your
experiences in childhood and Idon't even know if I want to
call it trauma.
I know you know you say that alot of things are trauma and
stuff like that.
Wanted to call it trauma.
I know you know you say that alot of things are trauma and
(02:46):
stuff like that.
But it's just certainsituations where, like you're
like whoa, where did maria comefrom?
you know what I mean and, likeyou, you say it and then you,
like that sounded exactly likemy mother, exactly you know, um,
and I think I don't.
I don't spend the time to sitdown and be like, ok, why did I
(03:07):
say that to her and where didthat come from?
I might, like you know, make amental note and be like, oh,
maybe you shouldn't say thatnext time.
But my question, I guess foryou guys, is at that point have
you already done the mentaldamage?
Speaker 3 (03:28):
that point.
Have you already done themental damage?
So I have actually a story andthen you guys can tap on that.
So I was talking to one of mynephew um, I think a couple of
months ago, and we were havingthis conversation.
I'm noticing that I'm gettingtriggered in the conversation
and and then he brought it backand how that trigger made him
not feel, but like how itsounded.
So I heard myself from hismouth like whoa, is that what I
(03:52):
said?
And then usually what I do isthat I hang up the phone and
then I just like walk away andso I can process it alone, not
to kind of deal with theconversation while it's
happening.
So that day I sat with him andacknowledged myself,
acknowledged and tookaccountability in how I said it
and apologized for it and I saidI am sorry.
(04:14):
I just realized how thatsounded like and I'm seeing why,
because it was more like I wastreating him as 10 year old
version of himself, while he'sthis like young adult person and
he's not the same 10 year oldperson that I used to.
I raised, helped, raise Right,and so I'm operating from that
(04:37):
frame of mindset where he'sstill 10 years old to my mind
but he's not.
He's a grown person who canmake his own decision and apply
that.
And so when I've hurt myself,it's like I said, I'm sorry.
I just realized what I was justdoing.
I was treating you as your10-year version of you, but I
didn't realize how much thatyou're grown as a person and you
(04:58):
are a young man technically.
I haven't really met you whereyou are.
Yes, you can say I'm atherapist and because of this
happened.
But I also had to do a lot ofinternal work to understand like
I can't treat my niece andnephew, who are in their 20s,
compared to how I firstinteracted with them when they
were younger, because now theyhave their own mindset, they
(05:19):
have their own feelings, theyhave their understanding.
So I have to kind of tap in.
And so when it comes to like asa being, a parent, like you're
seeing your child grow from atoddler who's saying no to you,
to everything and now, like thatno is not changing based on how
they read your face, based onhow you react.
So how do you guys break thosegenerational cycles?
(05:41):
Um?
Speaker 2 (05:44):
I think for me there's a lot of mental note
that was taken right, like whenI was a kid I would be like, oh,
if it was me then I wouldn't dothis.
But I think, um, acknowledgingthat therapy is not for
everybody, one of the few thingsthat I noticed while going
through therapy was that a lotof, even the things that my
family probably thought theywere doing in positive right,
(06:06):
not just.
No, it's not always necessarilya negative thing.
Sometimes it's the positivething, the positive things, such
as like oh, you know, I'vetalked about this before like,
oh, bonnie's gonna be somethinggreat someday.
That puts an unnecessary,unrealistic expectation on your
child.
It's good to make them feellike they're going, they're
great, right, but then alsomaking them understand that
(06:30):
you're you're just an averagejoe, like you're cool, like if,
if you are living yournine-to-five life and if you're
happy and content and you'regood member of society, that's
good, that's normal, that's okay, that's more than okay, you're
succeeding.
You know what I mean.
Versus like feeling like, um,there's this expectation from
(06:53):
you to kind of do something epic, so everything that's not epic
feels like a failure.
You know what I mean.
And that was not done and withthe intention to, like you know,
put this pressure on me, or andit's not just me there's a lot.
There's actually a saying thatkids that have been told that
they're great or they're goingto be great or they're, you know
(07:13):
, they they sometime whenthey're children and they show
this exponential um, maybethey're doing better than their
peers.
So they're the, the teachers andthe parents, and everybody just
zones in and focuses on theirintelligence or their whatever.
They tend to do worse thantheir peers later on in life
(07:35):
because they can't keep up withthe expectation right.
So that's one thing I'venoticed that, like, I'm like no,
you can't hyper focus on, onyour child's specific talent,
which is why, like, for example,um, actually my, my, um son had
his um winter, um parentteacher conference and the
(07:57):
teacher was telling us like youknow, yusuf is the only one in
his kid, in his class that canactually read a book from front,
front to back, and he's he'slike, sits around and like he,
his peers sit around him and helike reads the book for them.
And she's like you know, youguys should entertain the idea
of like, maybe getting himtested to be able to skip a
class.
I was like no, he's not goingto skip a class, there's no
(08:20):
point.
Like, that year is not going tosave him anything in the long
run.
But then in that year of like,where he's not in the same age
group, then he's going to feelbehind.
He might be ahead of hisacademically, academically, of
his peers, but he's not the sameas, of, you know, the
kindergartners, right?
So he's gonna go from being thehead kid to the behind kid,
(08:43):
which is not good.
I don't want him to play catchup all his life.
You know, let them meet himwhere he is, versus him trying
to meet other people.
Uh, so that's one thing, evennoticing that, hey, the positive
affirmations that you're doingto your kid might be damaging to
them, versus, like, you know,like it's not always the
negative things.
Secondly, the negative aspectsof like, hey, making comments
(09:07):
about the kid's appearance, likenot hyper fixating on the kids.
And this also could be, uh, inthe positive category of like,
not hyper fixating on, like yourdaughter's beauty, or your
son's beauty, or you know, ortheir skin tone, right, oh,
she's so, she's so yellow bonedor she's so light, you know, her
hair is so smooth and so long.
That's our, our community'sthing, right, like the euro,
(09:31):
euro, eurocentric beautystandards, right?
So, like, not hyper fixating onthose things and not hyper
fixating on their flaws, eitherbeing like, oh, this or not even
flaws, like hyper fixating onthe fact that they're not like
for my daughter.
I fight against this a lotwhere she's not like lay down
and take it kind of chick.
She's a two year old sassy.
(09:52):
She will set the world on fireand I'll let her old sassy.
She will set the world on fireand I'll let her.
That's, and I want to be ableto embrace that instead of being
like oh no, you know, she's um,she doesn't listen normally.
No.
Talk to her in a way she'llunderstand, explain to her in
her language.
Um, of course I am no gentleparenter, you know, I am like
(10:15):
old school, in the sense that Ihave discipline, I have rules, I
have regulations, I have to bea respectful person and so on
and so forth.
But your personality is not aflaw, like.
Your personality is who you are, and I'll meet you where you
are.
I'm not gonna try to bend youand contort you and to fit in to
make my life convenient.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I think so.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Listen to you.
I feel like one of the biggestthings I have to fight against
as a parent um is all of thatlike community standards and um,
you know, judging your childbased on um, x, y and z or
whatever and then.
But the other thing is justlike pigeonholing your child.
Right, this is the shy one,this is the not obnoxious but
(11:03):
like this is the fighter, youknow.
And just putting a label on thechild even before they're able
to grow up and decide that labelfor themselves.
And, honestly, kids really,they notice these things, they
notice that.
Speaker 2 (11:21):
They become what you call them.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Yeah, they become like it's a self-fulfilling
prophecy and, like my oldest,she'll call you out on it.
Right, they'll call you out andbe like, okay, well, you let
her, or you let fatu do a, b andc, and you know, you never let
me do this and um, and stufflike that.
So when, so the other day, Iwas like you know what, let me
(11:46):
implement something.
You know, let me sit the oldestdown and talk to her and have
her be like okay, like tell me,uh, let's walk through or let's
talk through, she was likehaving this meltdown and she was
um, very emotional and stufflike that.
So, just me and her, we went inthe closet and we, just we just
talked and she's and the amountof, like, emotional intelligence
(12:09):
surprised me.
Yeah, right, yeah, and I'm justlike whoa, like, and she's able
to define or like explain,communicate, communicate what
she's feeling, why she felt thatway, why, like, she felt like
her sister was doing A, b and Cto her big age.
(12:39):
I'm not able to be like, okay,and I was so like proud of her.
But then I was also like like Idon't know, not threatened, but
I'm just like, well, like, howdo I handle that?
You know, as somebody thatdoesn't is not outwardly
emotional, um, or like show alot of like emotion and stuff
like that, it she's a like a bigcontrast to me, um, and so I
had to work through my problemsfirst and be like, okay, let me
(13:02):
just let her go through it andfigure it out.
And and we were able to, youknow, figure out what she wanted
me to do and she's like youknow what, I want you to get the
younger sister and talk to heras well and explain to her and
basically facilitate us talkingto each other right and that she
hurt my feelings and did a, band c.
So it was an eye-openingexperience.
Speaker 3 (13:24):
Some of the things that I always say is that, like
children would for parents thisis for our parent.
Listeners are like yourchildren is going to trigger the
part of your childhood that youare not getting your emotional
needs not be met and when thathappens you should reassess.
When you're like, oh, thathurts here and I'm feeling so
strongly about it, it's like Ineed to go reevaluate myself,
(13:47):
like what is something aboutthis situation that's bringing
up for me and validate?
The fact is that somebody saidthis.
I'm having so many examplesright now.
There was a lady she recently.
She said she was watching avideo and then she just felt
like something was not rightwithin her while she's watching
this video.
It wasn't about the video, it'sabout her own emotional
triggers.
(14:07):
That happened while she waswatching a video.
She kept going back to thevideo, back and forth, back and
forth, and then she said I hadto realize that I didn't have
this level of childhood safety,that I couldn't watch that video
and I was getting annoyedwatching that person tell a
story about their childhood andso I had to leave that.
So when you both are talkingabout how do I break
(14:29):
generational cycle, is that thethings that was not available to
you you're allowing your childto do it, you're honoring that
instead of kind of like puttinga negative reinforcement on them
.
You're like, yeah, you want toGo ahead, because sometimes
children what is the first wordchildren say when they are able
to speak?
Speaker 1 (14:49):
No.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
No Right, that, no wallahi.
That is a boundary, that is thebiggest boundaries that we
don't see it as.
But then what do we do?
We dim it as they continue togrow.
So when they are able tounderstand the society that
they're in now, they no longersay no.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
I can't think of how many times I've said like are
you going to say no to me as aparent and that I don't know
that feels so, so uncomfortable.
It's just like because we kindof superimpose it on the whole,
like respect for parents, right,and how we grow up, it's like
(15:31):
there were my, your parents wordwas the final say and you, you
didn't have, um, you didn't haveany way to be like.
Let me explain this to you righteven to this day, like our
relationship with my parents islike you don't, you don't really
be like OK, this is what Ithink and this is what we should
do.
You know it's like OK, what doyou want me to do?
Speaker 2 (15:52):
Yeah, no, when you were speaking, you kind of
triggered a thought in my brain,because you know when, when,
when you're a kid and you feellike your parents are talking
and then they tell you why areyou quiet?
I'm saying all of these things,and then when you start talking,
oh, you're responding back tome.
Huh, and I think it's it for mein my growing up process, like
(16:20):
there's a lot of things that I'mI can see myself, um, getting
triggered by, but it's notnecessarily by my kids, it's by
my nieces, right, cause they'recloser, like they're, I mean, I
guess they're like they're mykid, like they are doing the
triggering for me before my kids.
(16:41):
So hopefully I can get thereout of it before my kids get to
that age.
That's true, but, like I, I'mnoticing that, like, for example
, when, um, my nieces get to, mynieces get to have like these
things, they, they ask, theythey have this balls to ask, be
like, hey, mom, can I go dothese things?
(17:03):
Yeah, that I never thought Icould even ask, because you know
, you didn't think it wasavailable to you.
I didn't think it was availableto me.
So when I see that I have thisvery harsh and negative reaction
to it, but I'm so far I'mremoved from them that they
don't, I'm not like affectingthem, it's just I'm experiencing
it and I'm also realizing,realizing and alhamdulillah for
(17:28):
some reason I always say thislike god has put me in positions
and spaces where peoplechallenged my thought process,
so that when I first gotpregnant with my first son, the
first thing I did was go totherapy.
I that's like the mostconsistent therapy that I've had
started then because I was likeI don't want to parent from a
space of trauma where I am moreof a friend or more of like, um,
(17:52):
I'm authoritative, notnecessarily in authority,
because I I thought I was goingto be more lenient towards my
child, because I didn't want tobe so strict as, like you, know
how I was raised and I was likebut that's not healthy either.
You know, you don't want to be afriend to your your kids.
You want to be a parent to yourkids.
(18:12):
Your kids need parents, notfriends.
Yeah, um, and then being ableto understand like I think
that's the best thing parentscan do is that, especially if
you've gone through something,especially if you've had like if
, even if it's not the mostunhealthy upbringing, but it's
not the most healthy upbringingif you feel like there's residue
(18:33):
of some sort of thing that hasgone, that you feel like you
could have done better or thatcould have been that could have
been done better for you, it'sbetter to work it out in therapy
so that when you come and yourkids are doing these things,
you're able to step back and say, okay, am I going to let this
(18:53):
thing happen just because Ididn't get to do it, or am I
going to process and say, okay,what's the right thing to do?
Right, what's the right thingto do right?
Yeah, for me, for example.
Um, let's say, for example, ifmy daughter wants to go to
homecoming, yeah, right, I neverwent to homecoming and I'm just
(19:13):
throwing out a random example.
My daughter is too.
She's not going to homecomingin a long time.
But am I gonna say yes justbecause I didn't get to go right
or because I wasn't evenallowed to ask that question?
Or am I gonna say no becausewhere?
Where's my no and where's myyes coming from?
What's the reasoning behind it?
I have to justify it in my headso that if she asks why, I have
(19:36):
to be able to give a reasonablewhy which she will have.
Yeah, why yeah, and I think I dobelieve no is no.
My son says it too no is no,it's a good answer.
Like I think no, because I saidso, is a good answer.
As long as you don't use it allthe time.
Yeah, there are certain thingswhere I don't want my, I don't
want to sit.
I can sit there and explain tomy child the fire birds, but if
(20:00):
that, he that's not computingfor him.
Maybe, if it's because he's tooyoung or something like that,
he should understand.
Mommy said no and no is no,yeah, and that's not computing
for him.
Maybe if it's because he's tooyoung or something like that, he
should understand.
Mommy said no and no is no yeah, and that's fine until he meet
me.
We're at age where we could sitthere and have that
conversation.
You know what I mean.
So I feel like parents should beable to one set a space for
(20:20):
your kids to disagree.
I think your kids should beable to disagree with you to a
certain degree withoutconsequence.
So like when I tell yusuf andnafi no if they don't like it
and if that's something that'svaluable to them, even at age of
two and four, they say no,mommy, I want to do this.
No, no, no, why no?
(20:41):
But I want to, you know, andespecially yusuf, now he's
learning to push back.
So I sit down, I regulate hisfeelings, I'm like okay, so if I
understand, you want this, butthis is why we're not doing it.
Okay, do you know?
And you know he's afour-year-old, so he fixates on
that thing.
So you go, let him, or disagree, let him just, you know, give
(21:01):
it that point of view and thenat some point, bring down the
wall and be like okay, Iexplained, this is what it is.
You, you said your piece, wetried to.
You know compromise, and ifnone of these work, you have two
options either you do thisthing or you do this thing.
Which one do you want to do?
Yeah, so I think, and I thinkoptions work for kids options,
options work Very well, verywell.
(21:24):
Just being able to give themroom to be individuals.
Give them room to disagree.
Don't be an authoritarianhousehold where the kid doesn't
have any value and any voice.
Right, the kids should be ableto have the illusion of choice.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
No, not.
So you remember how we theactual choice too.
Speaker 3 (21:47):
We talked about how being indecisive as an adult
happens and we becomeself-sabotaging and we do these
things right.
All those behaviors startedwhen those conversations are
happening right.
All of those like I can'tdecide because I'm doing
according to what my parent toldme.
Speaker 1 (22:04):
I think that's one of the biggest things like I'm
working through with my oldestright now, because, like, even
like as small as getting dressedfor school, right?
So I'll be like, okay, do youwant to pick out an outfit?
And so she'll be like, okay,which one should I wear?
I was like, whatever you want,she's like okay.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
I was like she's like okay.
I was like she's like oh, whichone do?
Speaker 1 (22:28):
you want.
I was like, no, she's askingyou, she's asking me.
Yeah, she's like which one doyou want?
I said, no, it's, it's what youwant you pick.
Yeah, you know.
And so getting them to used tothe idea of making those
decisions for themselves andjust know that, like every kid,
all every kid has a differentpersonality, a different amal.
You can say that, like, how Ireact to one kid it's completely
(22:50):
different to how I react to theother, you know, because they
both need two different thingsfrom me, you know, and so I
can't do like a blanket thing.
And so my oldest she's, youknow, obviously going to, she
has online classes and she hasQuran that she's learning, and
then the other one, she's three,so she's too young and so a lot
(23:10):
of my time it's like explainingto the oldest that, okay, well,
she's not ready for this yet.
You know, this is something youhave to do, you know what I mean
and just talking with themthrough those little things,
because they might kind ofregister it as it's not fair
right, Like I'm having to dothis and she's not.
She's not doing you know, X, yand Z.
(23:31):
But the other thing is I want tostress that, like, kids are an
amanah from Allah SWT.
You know this is I think of itas like they're alone to you
right, like this is somethingthat Allah has given you and so
you have to kind of care for itin the best way that you can and
then realizing how, like yourbaggage and stuff like that
(23:55):
might affect them and gettingthem to like the best outcome
that you can get them to.
Speaker 2 (24:01):
So definitely, and I think I think when I say and I
want to clarify a little bitwhen I say the illusion of
choice, is that there is alsothis thing called decision
fatigue, right?
So, kids, they have tounderstand that you, their realm
of reality, in their own, theirrealm of like, power is a
(24:22):
certain level, like, for example, um, I knew that from a very
young age that, like what myneighbors had I couldn't have,
not necessarily neighbors, butmy school friends had I couldn't
have.
We didn't have the same money,right?
So for my parents they wouldtake when I would go shopping.
(24:42):
They didn't take me where theother people went shopping, they
took me to this place and theysaid this is the choice from
here.
Speaker 3 (24:50):
You can choose, yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:51):
Not from here.
You can't.
Even if you wanted to, youcan't.
So that illusion of choice isthat you take them where they
can make the choices withoutlike boundaries you know what I
mean, boundaries like you knowwhat I mean but then you have
already put that boundary aheadof time so that you are letting
them explore within that time,that, that that dynamic.
For example, when you aretalking about clothes um, for my
(25:15):
kid, I don't normally say, like, go to your closet and pick
whatever you want I say, okay,you.
So if you have to pick a shirt,you have to pick a pants, you
have to pick underwear and youhave to pick a sweatshirt
because it's cold.
So there's that boundary that'salready created because he
can't say, oh, I'm just going towear a T-shirt and go, that's
not a choice.
You have to have these fourthings.
(25:35):
That's the boundary that I'veset already, and then from that
you can go to each of thedrawers and be able to pick one.
So the illusion of choice isthat he thinks he's doing it on
his own, but I've already setout these lists that he has to
pick he has to kind of choosefrom that will keep him safe.
So I don't think that free notnecessarily what you're doing is
(25:59):
wrong or anything.
I'm just saying, like when Isay illusion, I don't want to
make you know what I'm saying, Iwant to make sure I'm
clarifying what illusion ofchoice looks like in my
household.
Speaker 3 (26:07):
Yeah, so it sounds like you know therapy is part of
generational cycle that you'redoing and you are also kind of
providing a way of to regulateself-awareness.
Self-awareness, um, providingchoices for your child to make
sure that they're able to decide, and setting boundaries and
respecting their boundaries withyou as a parent, um, in a way
(26:29):
that.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
and I think I think one last thing I want to.
I know we're wrapping up, butone last thing I want to also
touch upon is the modelingaspect of parenting and making
sure that, like, if you'resaying one thing to your child,
you're not doing completely theopposite thing, because they're
consistent with yeah be superconsistent and if you know one
(26:50):
day they're not able to do this,then the next day should be the
exact same thing too, right?
because if, if, if you aresending mixed messages, that's
really going to confuse thechild, yep, and they'll call you
out on it.
Speaker 3 (27:02):
Don't trust you, because they're like well, mommy
said this, but I know she'sgoing to do that so it's kind of
learning to also, like I saidearlier, learning to apologize
when you recognize your, becauseI think that what it teaches
the emotional safety that you'recreating with them when you
recognize your shortcoming, withyour kids as they grow older
not right now.
(27:22):
But even now, if you do, you cango ahead and do that.
But when, the more they grow,the more you see and you
apologize, you're building trust, you bring emotional safety, so
they'll come to you more withmore things.
So I think this is a way ofkind of.
I think this is a conversationwe might have to continue to
have.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
But this is a starting of those generational
cycles that we are continuing tobreak so we can have
sustainable, strong, brilliant,resilient children in this world
.
I want to add one more thingabout that forgiveness and
apology.
I want to add one more thingabout that forgiveness and
apology when you make a mistake,acknowledging that you made a
mistake and saying I'm sorry.
When you overreact, when you'refeeling like you're being
triggered and you're acted froma space of trigger, instead of
like that, likedisproportionately to what the
child did, apologizing,acknowledging why you did it
this way and then that way theycan do it themselves too.
(28:13):
Right, and being able to cometo go to them instead of them
asking you to like going to them, be like, hey, so and so I
thought you know, maybe mommywas a little loud and I'm so
sorry, and when they call youout on it, owning up to it, you
know, because they would say I'msorry, mommy, don't be
defensive, yeah, for doing thisand this, but you should have,
you know, done this, yeah, thisand this, but you should have,
(28:42):
you know, done this, yeah, sayyes, I probably should have.
I'm so sorry, you know, and atthe same time, also, when you
and your husband and you andyour wife are communicating,
making sure you're modeling whatyou're teaching yeah, for them
to do with their peers, yeah.
so if you're talking in a tone,if you're talking in a volume,
if you're communicating and ifthe other person is feeling sad,
making sure you're apologizingand being in tuned, and so on
and so forth, they see you guysinteract with each other and
they practice that with theirwith their peers.
(29:03):
So just making sure that we arepracticing what we preach.
Speaker 3 (29:08):
Absolutely.
I think that's we're going toreally leave it there.
This has been a difficultconversation, so assalamualaikum
.
Speaker 1 (29:17):
Join the conversation in the comment section or on
our social media pages.
We do not have all the answers,and our biggest goal is to kick
off the conversation and get itstarted.
May Allah accept our effortsand use us for catalysts of
change.
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