April 8, 2024 • 33 mins
As we navigate the bustling currents of adulthood, we uncover the significance of shared interests and values in the friendships that flourish, and acknowledge the sometimes necessary, heart-wrenching goodbyes that come with life's inevitable changes.
This episode delves into the complexities of sharing our innermost thoughts, the cultural obstacles that can deter us, and the double-edged sword of seeking solace in others. We dissect the concept of a private inner sanctum essential for personal reflection, and together, we consider the delicate equilibrium between cultivating meaningful connections and preserving our innermost sanctuaries for solitary contemplation and growth.
Conflict is an inherent part of any relationship, yet the dance of conflict resolution within friendships requires a masterful step. We discuss how our personal experiences and individual boundaries choreograph our approaches to selecting friends and resolving disputes. Highlighting the necessity of clear communication, we share insights into how to navigate the dynamic waters of friendship without losing oneself in the process. Join us as we shed light on the indispensable role of friendships in our lives and the individual dedication required to foster these bonds in the digital era we find ourselves in.
Visit our IG page at https://www.instagram.com/dc_overcoffee/ to join the conversation!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Assalamu alaikum, Welcome to Difficult
Conversations where we tackletaboo topics in a safe space
through empowerment andeducation.
The information on this podcastis for informational purposes
only and should not beconsidered professional.
Mental health advice.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
So today we are going to be focusing on friendships
and how to find friends as anadult, and what does that look
like?
And so I want to start with you, ladies.
Can you talk about a little bitabout your experience about
finding friends as an adult, ormaking friends as an adult?
Maybe Apshita or Bonnie?
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Okay, I can start.
Or Bonnie, okay, I can start.
I think it's really hard likemaking friends, like really like
true, true deep friends,especially when you're an adult,
because I think, like goingwhen you're in college or high
(01:02):
school, you had things oractivities that kind of brought
you together.
You know you were maybe in thesame classes or in the same
groups or whatever, so you canhad a reason to interact with
these people.
But you know, once you are outof college you have your own
life, you have your own family.
It gets really hard to maintainthose ties and to maintain
friendship because you know youhave to go out of your way and
(01:22):
call people and check in andmake an effort, almost you know
yeah, I mean, maintenance isdifficult, and then also making
friends is difficult.
Speaker 4 (01:35):
Making friends, for me it's.
It's difficult for two reasons.
One I feel like when you'reyounger, your boundaries are a
little bit more porous, so likeyou tend to allow things to
happen or allow people to actcertain ways.
So that way, because yourboundaries are so weak, you tend
to get like a bunch of you knowpeople in your circle.
(01:56):
And then when you're older,your boundaries tend to be a
little bit more rigid.
You tend to love your piece toomuch for other people to
disturb it.
So you kind of start droppingpeople that are going to be a
disturbance to your piece.
At least you know if you aredoing the work and if you're
being productive of your pieceand your space and you're, you
(02:17):
know, doing self-care.
So because of these boundariesthat you create and or, and then
also your values become rigid,right, like you're not easily
influenceable, you're not tryingto please people, you're not
trying to um, you're not tryingto be like, um, what's called
there in everybody's situationand be super accessible.
(02:40):
So when you have this thing andyour values are rigid, your
boundaries are rigid.
The people that are willing totolerate that are also very
small.
So, um, that creates like okay,I guess it kind of becomes a
filtration system, right, andthen the survive, the people
that survive, are gold, like youknow, like a diamond, like when
(03:04):
you shift the dirt out.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (03:06):
So for me specifically I have gone through
it all I take you have to be sodamn good to be in my circle
because my circle is very tightand very small and only you know
the most awesomest can be in it.
Speaker 2 (03:26):
so I, I, I don't have time for it, and I don't have
time too, so yeah, so what I wasgonna say is that, as an adult,
I mean generally making friendsit just depends on commonality
and what are the people that youfeel that you're in line with,
whether it's's your value,whether it's your passion,
(03:46):
whether it's community, whetherit is hobbies the commonalities
are really, really important.
That makes sustainablefriendship, and I think a lot of
time that when we're younger wedon't look for those things.
Right, my other question isgoing to be for you guys Like
what do you look for infriendship?
So I want to kind of go in thatangle a little bit and as a
(04:08):
younger, when you're younger,you're just like you're in the
same environment, whether it'sschool, whether it is activities
, whether it is family, whetherit is you just meeting people
through friends because of thosethings.
That makes it available, makesit easier to have the
accessibility to people, makingthose connections makes it so
much easier.
(04:28):
But what comes as an adult isthat we learn based on the early
experience of friendship thatdidn't work out, and so the
friendship that kind of causedsome sort of like wound on us,
emotional wounds, and we kind ofvery like vaguely try to
distance ourselves from peoplebecause you anticipate, like
(04:49):
what if this person end up beinglike xyz person, that who had
harmed me in the past.
And so for me I would say thatI love the idea of cultivating
healthy friendships.
People are like like-minded, umuh, religiously, you know,
professionally not being able tobe like.
(05:10):
You know, avoiding conflict,and conflict is part of
relationship, and I thinksometimes people also forget
that conflict is what elevatefriendships, and but then you
have to understand how do youhandle that.
And so how do you talk to thatperson when conflict arise?
And so in that space it makesit harder as an adult.
And then we also kind of likein the space of working the
(05:33):
mundane life kind of a littlebit hijacked our way of
interesting like do I needfriends when I'm?
Speaker 3 (05:38):
so busy, can I?
make space for other people,yeah um I think you touched on a
really good point of like doyou need friends?
You know, because when you, youknow, are out of college, you
have your own family, you'remarried, you have kids, you're
almost like, yes, I'm like sobusy and I can't like even
(05:58):
imagine um keeping up with threeor four people.
Um, we, I feel like tend toforget the importance of
friendships and like, forexample, we all know that hadith
, or like your friends arebasically who you are and where
you end up to, and if you arefriends with people that are,
you know, good and remind you ofAllah SWT, that's who you
(06:24):
associate with and who youbecome, you know, and the
reverse is just is equallyimportant, and I think it makes
life so much richer and deeperwhen you're able to cultivate
these rich friendships.
But I think a lot of us, atleast for me, I feel like a
little bit stunted, almost, youknow, in regards to how do you
(06:45):
cultivate those friendships, howto, how do you um be vulnerable
, how do you put yourself outthere?
Um, and I think for me it's moreof like a fear aspect.
You know of like, okay, notknowing, uh, if you can really
be fully yourself with thisperson, and so I tend to just
(07:08):
decide to just keep things tomyself and because I always go
by this rule of like whatever,if I say something, right, if I
put it out there and somebodydoes something with it, I'm kind
of responsible, right, like,not really really hear me out
here.
Okay, hear me out because Idecided to tell this person
(07:30):
something right about my life,about whatever, and if, in fact,
they come out or like they dosomething with it or they would
tell somebody, um, I tend tobelieve myself.
I'm like, well, like you toldthem, you know what I mean.
Um, so, yeah, I think that's myrelationship with friends and I
and I tend to just keep thingsto myself.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
Have you not blamed anybody else?
Like that situation, Forexample?
If you did say say something.
And something went out there,yeah.
And then it came back to youand somehow like why would you
blame yourself first, instead ofsaying like that person is not
trusted?
First, instead of saying likethat person's not trusted yeah,
(08:15):
but, but the thing is, though,like they did not force me to
tell them right, you're being ahuman being who likes to share,
and being part of like you knowwhat I mean.
Sharing, being vulnerable,actually also one of the
significant aspect offriendships yeah and
vulnerability is not when thingsyou overcame, it's as you're
going through it, and that'swhat makes people, like you know
(08:35):
, create a deepened relationshipto one another.
When you are saying like, look,I'm really struggling right now
and I don't even know what'sgoing on and I just need a space
to kind of talk about that andcreate that some sort of safe
space.
Talk about that and create thatsome sort of safe space.
But I think is the fact is thatthere is I'm going to be normal
, I'm going to refer to thatbecause a lot of hesitations
(08:57):
culturally.
I don't know where that comesfrom, but there is this like
fear of not allowing ourselvesto be with people because we're
worried about either, where isthis conversation going to go,
where who's going to take it andwhere is it going to come back
to and if it does come back to,how do I handle it.
That is a lot of mentalpressure.
(09:18):
Yeah, to just like you can'tallow yourself to be that.
Speaker 3 (09:21):
Yeah, it's I'm, it's safer for me.
Honestly, it's safer and thisis the only thing.
No, I?
Speaker 4 (09:27):
I also don't want to push you on the topic, but I
just want to ask because a lotof people also probably feel the
way you do when you say youblame yourself and to a certain
aspect, whatever, you have totake responsibility to your part
of the equation.
But then friendship is acontract both people come into.
(09:47):
So you both have thisunderstanding that, like I trust
you, you trust me.
My secret is safe with you,your secret is safe with me.
So if that person goes out oftheir way to like violate that
contract, yes, you did trust thecontract and you did share.
That's your.
It's not necessarily your fault, but it's your.
(10:09):
Your contribution to theconflict, yeah, but you didn't
bet this person enough, yeahyeah, yeah, but then, yeah, um,
they violated.
So that's like.
You know what I'm saying, youunderstand what I'm saying.
You, you gave the materialbecause you abided by the
contract of friendship.
They violated because theydidn't respect the contract.
You understand.
So, like for me and I I, when Isay this, I'm being kind of
(10:33):
like a hypocrite because I amalso afraid of sharing with
people.
But the where me and you kindof differ a little bit is that
for me, for a very long time Iwent with, I trust people until
they give me a reason not to.
So I used to be very open andvery bubbly and then like, just,
(10:54):
you want to know something?
Just ask me, I'll tell you.
And I realized that it's notthat they would go and tell
people, it's that they alreadycame into the friendship with an
assumption of who I was Right.
So whatever they were takingfrom my story was that it was
like a validation of whateverthey think I am, not who I am or
(11:16):
not, what the situation is orwhatever the case is.
So I was unintentionally givingpeople ammunition, ammunition
against me.
And so I I realized like, okay,you know, I have to be very,
very careful about what I, youknow, I have to be very, very
careful about what I put outthere.
I have to be very careful ofwho I bring into my circle, you
know.
And at the same time, when theHabay was talking about our
(11:39):
culture, actually, when youthink about what, how our
culture develops, right, and Idon't know if it's in other
communities, but I can speak inour community Since we were
children, we were taught likefamily business is family
business.
You don't take it out therebecause it will come back Right.
Or you're told that you hearyour parents or your you know
(12:04):
your aunts and your mom andtalking and be like did you hear
about her Right?
And be like, did you hear abouther right?
And unconsciously you're payingattention to, oh, I don't want
to be that girl that they'retalking about in another
household, so you don't want toput anything negative about you
out there.
Yeah, you know your familydoesn't put anything negative
about you out there.
(12:25):
Yeah, right, so you don't wantto be part.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
That's where the guilt comes from because you're
like, oh, I put it out there andthen now it's spread, but that
person broke the covenant offriendship.
I think that there's certainparts of me and I think I've
(12:48):
said this before on otherepisodes and stuff there are
certain parts of me that likenobody, like nobody would ever
have access to, not even myhusband, nobody, you know, and I
and I think I like it that way,like I find comfort and I find
I don't know ease and you knowthat's very healthy yeah I, and
(13:13):
in the words of maya angelo,there should be a place where
you retreat to.
Speaker 4 (13:18):
Yeah, that's sacred and that's between and in the
words of the habit.
She told me this about 12 yearsago 12 years ago.
Yeah, um uh, where you andallah communicate right there
should be a space that'sreserved for you and allah only,
and I think that's very healthy.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
Yeah, and I think like and that's the other thing
that stems from it too that Ithink like, yes, you can have
really deep connections withpeople and friendships and stuff
like that.
But I think if you're say you'regoing through an issue, you
know, um, I, I don't find itbeneficial to say like, even if
I had a really close connectionwith the happy, you know, I
(13:59):
wouldn't call you and be like,oh, you know, this is this issue
that I'm uh dealing with andit's like, on my mind, it's a
vice or whatever that I'm,especially if it's say like
you're involved in a bad deed orsomething right, my first
thought would always be to firstof all make dua.
You know like, go get on asalli, pray to raka and then go
(14:23):
into that space you were talkingabout Bonnie, the space of just
you and Allah and workingthrough that.
You know, because if I tell thenext person, right, is that
really gonna?
Because tomorrow, when I getover that issue or I am able to,
you know, find a way out of it,they're not going to forget you
(14:43):
know, even though you've donethe work, you know you've gone
over or whatever, they're stillgoing to remember that.
You know what I mean, so youknow.
That's my first thing.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Well, I mean, that makes sense for you.
Speaker 3 (14:59):
Now put on your therapy hat.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Oh, I'm not.
I'm not for this situationbecause I think there's a lot
more to unpack there and if Ireally if, let's say, a client
like yourself came to me andtalked about that, I would talk
about early wounds.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
And we'll unpack that , but at the same time, right
now, I think you said, but thereisn't an early wound.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
I feel like there is no, thereisn't.
Speaker 4 (15:24):
Because you keep saying okay, there isn't.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
No no, there isn't, no, no, no, it's not even that.
Okay, it's not.
We're not gonna have it as that, but I think what.
I wanna go back to you saidearlier, I find comfort
operating the way I do and Ifind ease so I wanna leave it
there yeah can I pick it upthere, sorry?
Speaker 4 (15:44):
go ahead, go ahead.
I don't think it's wound, but Ithink it's an unconscious note
that you made to yourself whenyou were a kid from situations
that you've observed.
So it might not be wound in thesense that, like somebody did
it to you or somebody even didit to someone you know, but you
(16:04):
either have seen it be done topeople like you know, the people
that you love do it to otherpeople, or the people the other
people do it to the people youlove, or somewhere you've either
been a witness to or you'veheard the situation.
Does that make sense?
Like, oh, you know, yeah, andthen you've heard the situation
(16:26):
and you've made an unconsciousnote that you can't really go
back and recall because it'sbeen so long ago.
Yeah, um, maybe it's not evenone thing, right, maybe it's not
one situation, maybe it's notfor me, for example, uh, I, I, I
remember specific incidentswhere people around me, adults
around- me had conversations, um, about either you know
(16:50):
so-and-so's child, right, oh,you know I I've talked about
this, this even in otherepisodes where, um, you know I,
there were girls in ourcommunity that were doing things
that were not necessarilyappropriate and therefore I was
being chastised for theirmistakes right for the thing, or
I don't even want to call themistakes, that's their life's
(17:11):
journey, their journey I wasbeing kind of so.
For me that was less like everymove I made, every decision,
like even friends.
The way I picked friends waslike are you, do you have the
same, uh, restrictions as I do?
Are you gonna get like, or wasyour maca okay?
If your maca is not okay, I'mnot trying to get dragged into
(17:31):
your maca you know what I?
Mean, if you're so, I'm like,if so, I'm like.
I'm trying to stay clear, ifanyone's like you're doing a
background check exactly becauseI didn't want my name in
another another person'ssituations.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
Yeah, you know.
Speaker 4 (17:50):
It wasn't necessarily a wound to me.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
It's a learned behavior.
Yeah, I can take that.
I want to know have you?
Speaker 2 (17:58):
guys had a friendship breakup then Definitely no.
Speaker 3 (18:01):
I think I want to know.
No, I think for me it's notlike a breakup where, like
abruptly, like oh, I'm not yourfriend anymore and then we storm
off.
No, I think, over time whathappens to me in a lot of my
relationships not a lot of them,like some relationships is that
they'll be flying.
Yeah, they'll be distance right, like you know you're not.
(18:25):
We might have moved states whenI was younger.
We moved around quite a lot,like I feel like I've been to
three or four high schoolsgrowing up, so we moved around a
lot.
And If you move away then itcreates that distance and your
friendships kind of just fade,you know, especially if they're
(18:46):
not super strong ones.
And I think out of all myrelationship, probably my
longest one is probably a 20year friendship, but it's, you
know, we grew up together.
We still kept in touch, evenwhen we moved.
You know quite a bit and stufflike that.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
So are you guys?
Speaker 3 (19:04):
still together.
Yeah, we're still together,okay, 24 years strong.
Okay, what about you?
Speaker 4 (19:10):
bonnie, oh, I've had friendships explode because no,
the thing is, I'm also, I'm not,I'm not like I'm sure I don't.
I tend to speak like everyconflict out, like I talk
everything out, you know.
Speaker 3 (19:26):
I don't say like yeah , so you create problems.
Speaker 4 (19:28):
Hey, excuse me, no, I address them.
Excuse me, she's expressive, Iaddress them.
Yes, anyway.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
So you're that friend .
Speaker 4 (19:37):
I'm that friend, I bring it to the table.
I'm like, hey, so you know, I'mfeeling this type of way.
How do you feel about it?
Did you mean to feel?
You know, is this the way youwanted to move, Because I'm
receiving it this way?
Is this the way you meant?
Was it what you meant?
I give people the opportunityto course correct and if they
don't.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
I wish I can do that.
Speaker 4 (19:56):
I know Me it's such a gift.
The thing is and I don't knowif it is because it's like for
me, I don't want to hold peopleaccountable to my assumptions of
what they did Right.
I want to make sure that I giveyou the opportunity to say hey,
actually you misunderstood,because I'm not always right and
(20:18):
sometimes I project my owninsecurities, my own emotions
onto situations and I misreadthings, my own emotions onto
situations, and I misread things.
So I give you the opportunity tosay hey, this, this is what I
understood from the situationthe way you spoke, the way you
move, the way you acted.
Whatever the case is, um, andif it is, let's, let's talk
about it, and there are certainthings, obviously hardcore red
lines that people should notcross, and if they do, there
needs no conversation, and myconversation would be hey,
(20:40):
assalamu alaikum, I feel thistype of way about the situation.
I don't think me, and youshould continue.
Oh, you actually said thatdefinitely I I, because I also
don't like ghosting people okayum, I'm very clear on like I pre
I tried my best to leavesituations uh, and and in the
(21:04):
best terms.
Um, because my, my mom used totell me, um, that it's better to
not have any friends than makeenemies, unless that enemy is
for a cause.
So if you are making enemiesbecause you're standing for
something, yeah, more power toyou, yeah, right.
But if you're making enemiesjust because you're
(21:24):
miscommunicating enemies,because you're standing for
something, yeah, more power toyou, yeah, right.
But if you're making enemiesjust because you're
miscommunicating or becauseyou're whatever you know, then
it's not necessary, you know so.
(21:46):
So I kind of tried to move thatway, to go back to the whole,
like, how do I address conflictor how do I kind of just, you
know, first of all, with myfriendships, specifically, um,
the one that I that comes tomind is in college.
Um, I was friends with, um, acouple of girls, um, they were
beautiful girls and but there'striangulation happening, right,
I hate that me too, and there'striangulation happening, and I
(22:08):
also was, at that time, tryingto find my voice, right, I was
trying to stop being such apeople pleaser.
I was trying to, um, kind of bemore real, and but then that
realness was like getting takenout of context, right?
So I would consider Iconsistently was trying to morph
(22:31):
myself and contort myself intosomething that there was they
were comfortable with, right?
Because I am very much of anopen book.
I tend to tell people you'removing kind of weird right now,
even if it's not for my benefit,even if it's for their benefit,
um, whatever the case might be.
So I was contorting myself intosomething that I didn't feel
(22:52):
comfortable with, but that wasmaking them feel more
comfortable, um, and then Irealized it's not worth it
because, one, there is atriangulation you, they, they
are more close with each otherthan I am with them.
Right, and there was already aselection.
So it was like I know that Iwasn't like, how do I explain
(23:14):
this?
If there was a life raft, whichone is?
going yeah, there was a liferaft and there was like a piece
of bread and the other and me.
I know they would pick thepiece of bread over me.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
Does that make sense?
That is a very difficult spaceto be in.
Speaker 4 (23:35):
Yeah, so I had to kind of admit myself.
I admit to myself like, why areyou pretending yeah Like?
Why?
Why do you need this Like?
Why are you pretending yeahLike?
Why do you need this Like?
Why are you pretending?
Why do you guys think like?
Speaker 3 (23:46):
we do that as women, like why don't we just have
friends, say you're friends withlike three girls or whatever
Case in point?
Yeah, but no, it's never thecase that like equally, all
three are like exactly on thesame page, same level of
friendship, and stuff like that.
Because I like even in highschool I did have a friend where
, like me and uh one, one ofthem were like really close, um,
(24:09):
and then the other girl, likeall three of them, I considered
them equally friends, right, butone of them, whenever I would,
um, hang out or talk to theother girl, she'd like I don't
know, she would just kind of actweird.
Have you guys had ever had thatsituation happen to?
Speaker 4 (24:24):
you, I am the girl that would act weird, okay, no,
no, I'm just explaining what youmean from my understanding like
yeah, because the thing is whatyou would think, as you're, for
what, as you are being equallyfriends, is it might not see, it
might not be really equally,especially when it comes to
(24:45):
youth, right?
Yeah, for me now, myunderstanding is that everyone
has different relationships witheverybody else and also, and it
never can be equal.
Speaker 3 (24:53):
It never can be equal Even between your kids.
Speaker 4 (24:55):
You can make it equal and then also everyone needs
different things from everybodyelse yeah.
What?
Never mind, keep going.
No, everyone needs differentthings from everybody else yeah,
what I'm just never mind keepgoing.
No, everyone needs differentthings from everybody else.
So for me specifically, I'munderstanding that like I have
to be 100 authentically myselfin every situation, I can't, as
long as I am at peace in who Iam in that space and I feel
(25:20):
accepted as who I am and I'mgetting what I need from this
friendship, and then you aregetting what you need from my
friendship with you.
It doesn't matter how close youguys are.
Does that make sense?
My friendship and you is veryunique yeah, and my friendship
with her is very unique.
We're getting I'm getting fromthe habe what I need and she's
(25:41):
getting from me what she needsbut then there has to be a clear
communication from the threepeople.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
yeah, to establish that level of trust, right
security in the relationships.
Otherwise there's somebody'sgoing to feel insecure in that
relationship because of there'ssomething like a lot of time.
What happens is that plan ismade behind without including
that person and then it's likeit wasn't intentional, it was
(26:07):
just it happened because ofwhatever the reason is Right.
Speaker 3 (26:10):
Especially if you're working on one thing all
together.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
Not even that.
Let's say, for example, youaccidentally call that person
and you're like hey, what's up,I do want to get coffee, I need
to talk to you about somethingthat's not planned, it's just a
randomly a day and not veryintentional, right.
But then if that person hasn'theard from you to saying it, if
they found out, like down theroad, that this happened,
they're like why didn't they notinclude me?
(26:35):
What happened?
Like they will come up withthat kind of creative stories,
you know.
Speaker 4 (26:40):
I think that's who I was.
But now I'm realizing thatthere's no such thing as a
three-way friendship.
It has to be a one-on-onefriendship.
Speaker 3 (26:49):
You can't, but I think, but I understand what
you're saying.
The habit like when you'remaking plans, you know, behind
the other person's back, I thinkin that situation, but you're
not, but you're not, but itfeels that way.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
It's stated to the group chat saying hey, we went
out today, we were thinking ofyou and it was just like you
know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (27:09):
I don't think that's necessary.
Speaker 4 (27:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:11):
I understand that part no-transcript random
(27:32):
intentional friends that areunintentionally happening, but
in that regard I agree more withBonnie.
Speaker 3 (27:37):
I think sometimes it just happens spontaneously, like
if I'm driving on in Blaine orwhatever and I just stop by or
whatever.
Speaker 4 (27:44):
no, not even that sorry.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
Go ahead sorry what is going on, are you okay?
Not even that is specific.
Speaker 4 (27:53):
No, I, I genuinely feel like three adults because,
like, for example, I should callthe habe yeah, right, I should
call you and be like hey, theHabe, let's go have lunch.
Yeah, and me and you have lunch, yeah, we talk about whatever
the hell we want to talk about,and then come back right, and
then I don't have to tellAbshuro, you know what I mean.
(28:13):
Yeah, that's true, I agree, aslong as yeah, yeah, yeah, but
like and the intention securityhas to happen.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
Maybe because we're so secure with each other.
That's how I feel.
Okay, right, that's the biggestthing.
So let me finish that thought.
First, the intentional securityin relationship has to be there
in order for the group not tofeel any some sort of way about
one another.
If there's some sort of likethe intensities are different,
(28:41):
the treatments are different,then there is unintentional
insecurity happens inrelationship.
That's what I mean by that.
So, it's like you have to makesure that you talk about things
and not make it as they come, asthey come.
Speaker 4 (28:56):
Don't make votes, that's all I say.
Speaker 3 (28:58):
If you make votes, then there will be problems.
Ok, I think we veered off alittle bit.
Let's go back to becauseearlier we talked about how it's
hard making friends, because Ifeel like you have these
problems when you have friends,I have these problems.
No, I'm saying in general, wehave these problems of
triangulation or whatever whenyou actually have friends.
But I feel like there's a lotof people who don't know how to
(29:22):
make friends.
Where do you go to meet newpeople?
Um, and are they do want thatconnection with the next person
you know, even if you aremarried and whatnot?
Speaker 2 (29:32):
um, yeah, I feel like I think I want to talk about
what to look for in friends.
And then look and where to findthem.
First, understand what are youlooking for in friendship, right
?
What is your values are youlooking for?
Right?
For some people it can behonesty, it can be respect, it
can be attentiveness, it can becommunications, it can be
(29:52):
stability, whatever.
What are you looking for infriendship?
Once you establish that, Ithink the best aspect of finding
friends is like in a groupsetting, right.
Group setting activities,community event, social
gathering that one friends haveso kind of.
If somebody invite you go, thenyou'll meet somebody else there
.
If you like outdoor stuff, findhobbies and things that you're
(30:14):
interested in, and those are thespaces that eventually you'll
meet people right.
But you have to also get out ofa little bit of your comfort
zone, willing to kind of giveyourself a chance to do
something that's not usually youlook into doing out of routine
out of routine.
So that's something that Iwould say that would help.
Speaker 3 (30:33):
Yeah, yeah.
I would say like, go to the gym, take a class, meet people, say
hi, I think that's my.
My biggest issue is like Idon't know.
I live in my head a lot, youguys, right.
So if I would see somebody new,even at work, for example, and
I know she's muslim, or like youknow, I've seen them somewhere
(30:54):
um, I'm walking right, I walk,I'm walking past this person and
I'm like, okay, I should justsay hi.
I said hi, I can't be like youknow.
And then I walk by the girl.
Speaker 4 (31:04):
That's me, I can't give anybody any advice on how
to make friends, because I don'tknow how to make friends as an
adult.
To be honest, I think the thingis in social media.
I'm very like.
If I see someone, that's likethey post something, um yeah,
but that's a paradox whatever.
(31:26):
But then, even in person, if Isee a girl and I say I can say I
can go to the oh mashallah, youlook so beautiful, I am so
generous with that.
I, I don't have any problemgoing to a random stranger and
be like hey, I know this isgonna sound very weird, but I
just want to tell you you lookvery beautiful, mashallah.
And move on.
Yeah, but then going that extrapart of like going hey, like
like let's have tea or let'shave coffee, or like let's
(31:48):
exchange numbers.
Yeah, I'd rather ask a guy toexchange numbers with me than
girl like I will.
It's so petrifying because I'mso opposite.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
On that I can make friends.
Speaker 3 (32:00):
Yeah, but that's a paradox too right, like I feel
like in this day and age, youhave so many people online that
you interact with and stuff likethat, but not necessarily in
real life, you know, and I think.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
I don't interact with people online.
Speaker 3 (32:12):
I know, but you at least have people on your feed
or whatever you see what they'redoing that you think you know.
Speaker 4 (32:19):
I have so many people in my head that I think I know
them because I see their life onsocial media.
In real life?
I don't know yeah.
Speaker 3 (32:27):
So I think that you know ability to cultivate
friendships and meet new people.
Speaker 2 (32:34):
I think a lot of people are losing that, yeah,
and I think the best way to doabout it is kind of taking those
like initiative to yourself andif you feel like it's important
to you and that is somethingthat I think it might be helpful
for you to do, and so hopefully, you follow those suggestions
that I provided, because, at theend of the day, you know what
(32:55):
we all need friends, we all needcommunity.
We all need, you know,fostering that environment and
so that we have a way ofconnecting to other people
besides our already pre-fosteredfriendships, and we all need
friends.
So, yeah, that's all I wantedto say about this topic.
This is Difficult Conversation.
Thank you for listening.
Thank, you.
Speaker 1 (33:15):
Thank you, it's all, michael.
Join the conversation in thecomment section or on our social
media pages.
We do not have all the answersand our biggest goal is to kick
off the conversation and get itstarted.
May Allah accept our effortsand use us for catalysts of
change.
Assalamu alaikum, Welcome to Difficult
Conversations where we tackletaboo topics in a safe space
through empowerment andeducation.
The information on this podcastis for informational purposes
only and should not beconsidered professional.
Mental health advice.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
So today we are going to be focusing on friendships
and how to find friends as anadult, and what does that look
like?
And so I want to start with you, ladies.
Can you talk about a little bitabout your experience about
finding friends as an adult, ormaking friends as an adult?
Maybe Apshita or Bonnie?
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Okay, I can start.
Or Bonnie, okay, I can start.
I think it's really hard likemaking friends, like really like
true, true deep friends,especially when you're an adult,
because I think, like goingwhen you're in college or high
(01:02):
school, you had things oractivities that kind of brought
you together.
You know you were maybe in thesame classes or in the same
groups or whatever, so you canhad a reason to interact with
these people.
But you know, once you are outof college you have your own
life, you have your own family.
It gets really hard to maintainthose ties and to maintain
friendship because you know youhave to go out of your way and
(01:22):
call people and check in andmake an effort, almost you know
yeah, I mean, maintenance isdifficult, and then also making
friends is difficult.
Speaker 4 (01:35):
Making friends, for me it's.
It's difficult for two reasons.
One I feel like when you'reyounger, your boundaries are a
little bit more porous, so likeyou tend to allow things to
happen or allow people to actcertain ways.
So that way, because yourboundaries are so weak, you tend
to get like a bunch of you knowpeople in your circle.
(01:56):
And then when you're older,your boundaries tend to be a
little bit more rigid.
You tend to love your piece toomuch for other people to
disturb it.
So you kind of start droppingpeople that are going to be a
disturbance to your piece.
At least you know if you aredoing the work and if you're
being productive of your pieceand your space and you're, you
(02:17):
know, doing self-care.
So because of these boundariesthat you create and or, and then
also your values become rigid,right, like you're not easily
influenceable, you're not tryingto please people, you're not
trying to um, you're not tryingto be like, um, what's called
there in everybody's situationand be super accessible.
(02:40):
So when you have this thing andyour values are rigid, your
boundaries are rigid.
The people that are willing totolerate that are also very
small.
So, um, that creates like okay,I guess it kind of becomes a
filtration system, right, andthen the survive, the people
that survive, are gold, like youknow, like a diamond, like when
(03:04):
you shift the dirt out.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (03:06):
So for me specifically I have gone through
it all I take you have to be sodamn good to be in my circle
because my circle is very tightand very small and only you know
the most awesomest can be in it.
Speaker 2 (03:26):
so I, I, I don't have time for it, and I don't have
time too, so yeah, so what I wasgonna say is that, as an adult,
I mean generally making friendsit just depends on commonality
and what are the people that youfeel that you're in line with,
whether it's's your value,whether it's your passion,
(03:46):
whether it's community, whetherit is hobbies the commonalities
are really, really important.
That makes sustainablefriendship, and I think a lot of
time that when we're younger wedon't look for those things.
Right, my other question isgoing to be for you guys Like
what do you look for infriendship?
So I want to kind of go in thatangle a little bit and as a
(04:08):
younger, when you're younger,you're just like you're in the
same environment, whether it'sschool, whether it is activities
, whether it is family, whetherit is you just meeting people
through friends because of thosethings.
That makes it available, makesit easier to have the
accessibility to people, makingthose connections makes it so
much easier.
(04:28):
But what comes as an adult isthat we learn based on the early
experience of friendship thatdidn't work out, and so the
friendship that kind of causedsome sort of like wound on us,
emotional wounds, and we kind ofvery like vaguely try to
distance ourselves from peoplebecause you anticipate, like
(04:49):
what if this person end up beinglike xyz person, that who had
harmed me in the past.
And so for me I would say thatI love the idea of cultivating
healthy friendships.
People are like like-minded, umuh, religiously, you know,
professionally not being able tobe like.
(05:10):
You know, avoiding conflict,and conflict is part of
relationship, and I thinksometimes people also forget
that conflict is what elevatefriendships, and but then you
have to understand how do youhandle that.
And so how do you talk to thatperson when conflict arise?
And so in that space it makesit harder as an adult.
And then we also kind of likein the space of working the
(05:33):
mundane life kind of a littlebit hijacked our way of
interesting like do I needfriends when I'm?
Speaker 3 (05:38):
so busy, can I?
make space for other people,yeah um I think you touched on a
really good point of like doyou need friends?
You know, because when you, youknow, are out of college, you
have your own family, you'remarried, you have kids, you're
almost like, yes, I'm like sobusy and I can't like even
(05:58):
imagine um keeping up with threeor four people.
Um, we, I feel like tend toforget the importance of
friendships and like, forexample, we all know that hadith
, or like your friends arebasically who you are and where
you end up to, and if you arefriends with people that are,
you know, good and remind you ofAllah SWT, that's who you
(06:24):
associate with and who youbecome, you know, and the
reverse is just is equallyimportant, and I think it makes
life so much richer and deeperwhen you're able to cultivate
these rich friendships.
But I think a lot of us, atleast for me, I feel like a
little bit stunted, almost, youknow, in regards to how do you
(06:45):
cultivate those friendships, howto, how do you um be vulnerable
, how do you put yourself outthere?
Um, and I think for me it's moreof like a fear aspect.
You know of like, okay, notknowing, uh, if you can really
be fully yourself with thisperson, and so I tend to just
(07:08):
decide to just keep things tomyself and because I always go
by this rule of like whatever,if I say something, right, if I
put it out there and somebodydoes something with it, I'm kind
of responsible, right, like,not really really hear me out
here.
Okay, hear me out because Idecided to tell this person
(07:30):
something right about my life,about whatever, and if, in fact,
they come out or like they dosomething with it or they would
tell somebody, um, I tend tobelieve myself.
I'm like, well, like you toldthem, you know what I mean.
Um, so, yeah, I think that's myrelationship with friends and I
and I tend to just keep thingsto myself.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
Have you not blamed anybody else?
Like that situation, Forexample?
If you did say say something.
And something went out there,yeah.
And then it came back to youand somehow like why would you
blame yourself first, instead ofsaying like that person is not
trusted?
First, instead of saying likethat person's not trusted yeah,
(08:15):
but, but the thing is, though,like they did not force me to
tell them right, you're being ahuman being who likes to share,
and being part of like you knowwhat I mean.
Sharing, being vulnerable,actually also one of the
significant aspect offriendships yeah and
vulnerability is not when thingsyou overcame, it's as you're
going through it, and that'swhat makes people, like you know
(08:35):
, create a deepened relationshipto one another.
When you are saying like, look,I'm really struggling right now
and I don't even know what'sgoing on and I just need a space
to kind of talk about that andcreate that some sort of safe
space.
Talk about that and create thatsome sort of safe space.
But I think is the fact is thatthere is I'm going to be normal
, I'm going to refer to thatbecause a lot of hesitations
(08:57):
culturally.
I don't know where that comesfrom, but there is this like
fear of not allowing ourselvesto be with people because we're
worried about either, where isthis conversation going to go,
where who's going to take it andwhere is it going to come back
to and if it does come back to,how do I handle it.
That is a lot of mentalpressure.
(09:18):
Yeah, to just like you can'tallow yourself to be that.
Speaker 3 (09:21):
Yeah, it's I'm, it's safer for me.
Honestly, it's safer and thisis the only thing.
No, I?
Speaker 4 (09:27):
I also don't want to push you on the topic, but I
just want to ask because a lotof people also probably feel the
way you do when you say youblame yourself and to a certain
aspect, whatever, you have totake responsibility to your part
of the equation.
But then friendship is acontract both people come into.
(09:47):
So you both have thisunderstanding that, like I trust
you, you trust me.
My secret is safe with you,your secret is safe with me.
So if that person goes out oftheir way to like violate that
contract, yes, you did trust thecontract and you did share.
That's your.
It's not necessarily your fault, but it's your.
(10:09):
Your contribution to theconflict, yeah, but you didn't
bet this person enough, yeahyeah, yeah, but then, yeah, um,
they violated.
So that's like.
You know what I'm saying, youunderstand what I'm saying.
You, you gave the materialbecause you abided by the
contract of friendship.
They violated because theydidn't respect the contract.
You understand.
So, like for me and I I, when Isay this, I'm being kind of
(10:33):
like a hypocrite because I amalso afraid of sharing with
people.
But the where me and you kindof differ a little bit is that
for me, for a very long time Iwent with, I trust people until
they give me a reason not to.
So I used to be very open andvery bubbly and then like, just,
(10:54):
you want to know something?
Just ask me, I'll tell you.
And I realized that it's notthat they would go and tell
people, it's that they alreadycame into the friendship with an
assumption of who I was Right.
So whatever they were takingfrom my story was that it was
like a validation of whateverthey think I am, not who I am or
(11:16):
not, what the situation is orwhatever the case is.
So I was unintentionally givingpeople ammunition, ammunition
against me.
And so I I realized like, okay,you know, I have to be very,
very careful about what I, youknow, I have to be very, very
careful about what I put outthere.
I have to be very careful ofwho I bring into my circle, you
know.
And at the same time, when theHabay was talking about our
(11:39):
culture, actually, when youthink about what, how our
culture develops, right, and Idon't know if it's in other
communities, but I can speak inour community Since we were
children, we were taught likefamily business is family
business.
You don't take it out therebecause it will come back Right.
Or you're told that you hearyour parents or your you know
(12:04):
your aunts and your mom andtalking and be like did you hear
about her Right?
And be like, did you hear abouther right?
And unconsciously you're payingattention to, oh, I don't want
to be that girl that they'retalking about in another
household, so you don't want toput anything negative about you
out there.
Yeah, you know your familydoesn't put anything negative
about you out there.
(12:25):
Yeah, right, so you don't wantto be part.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
That's where the guilt comes from because you're
like, oh, I put it out there andthen now it's spread, but that
person broke the covenant offriendship.
I think that there's certainparts of me and I think I've
(12:48):
said this before on otherepisodes and stuff there are
certain parts of me that likenobody, like nobody would ever
have access to, not even myhusband, nobody, you know, and I
and I think I like it that way,like I find comfort and I find
I don't know ease and you knowthat's very healthy yeah I, and
(13:13):
in the words of maya angelo,there should be a place where
you retreat to.
Speaker 4 (13:18):
Yeah, that's sacred and that's between and in the
words of the habit.
She told me this about 12 yearsago 12 years ago.
Yeah, um uh, where you andallah communicate right there
should be a space that'sreserved for you and allah only,
and I think that's very healthy.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
Yeah, and I think like and that's the other thing
that stems from it too that Ithink like, yes, you can have
really deep connections withpeople and friendships and stuff
like that.
But I think if you're say you'regoing through an issue, you
know, um, I, I don't find itbeneficial to say like, even if
I had a really close connectionwith the happy, you know, I
(13:59):
wouldn't call you and be like,oh, you know, this is this issue
that I'm uh dealing with andit's like, on my mind, it's a
vice or whatever that I'm,especially if it's say like
you're involved in a bad deed orsomething right, my first
thought would always be to firstof all make dua.
You know like, go get on asalli, pray to raka and then go
(14:23):
into that space you were talkingabout Bonnie, the space of just
you and Allah and workingthrough that.
You know, because if I tell thenext person, right, is that
really gonna?
Because tomorrow, when I getover that issue or I am able to,
you know, find a way out of it,they're not going to forget you
(14:43):
know, even though you've donethe work, you know you've gone
over or whatever, they're stillgoing to remember that.
You know what I mean, so youknow.
That's my first thing.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Well, I mean, that makes sense for you.
Speaker 3 (14:59):
Now put on your therapy hat.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Oh, I'm not.
I'm not for this situationbecause I think there's a lot
more to unpack there and if Ireally if, let's say, a client
like yourself came to me andtalked about that, I would talk
about early wounds.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
And we'll unpack that , but at the same time, right
now, I think you said, but thereisn't an early wound.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
I feel like there is no, thereisn't.
Speaker 4 (15:24):
Because you keep saying okay, there isn't.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
No no, there isn't, no, no, no, it's not even that.
Okay, it's not.
We're not gonna have it as that, but I think what.
I wanna go back to you saidearlier, I find comfort
operating the way I do and Ifind ease so I wanna leave it
there yeah can I pick it upthere, sorry?
Speaker 4 (15:44):
go ahead, go ahead.
I don't think it's wound, but Ithink it's an unconscious note
that you made to yourself whenyou were a kid from situations
that you've observed.
So it might not be wound in thesense that, like somebody did
it to you or somebody even didit to someone you know, but you
(16:04):
either have seen it be done topeople like you know, the people
that you love do it to otherpeople, or the people the other
people do it to the people youlove, or somewhere you've either
been a witness to or you'veheard the situation.
Does that make sense?
Like, oh, you know, yeah, andthen you've heard the situation
(16:26):
and you've made an unconsciousnote that you can't really go
back and recall because it'sbeen so long ago.
Yeah, um, maybe it's not evenone thing, right, maybe it's not
one situation, maybe it's notfor me, for example, uh, I, I, I
remember specific incidentswhere people around me, adults
around- me had conversations, um, about either you know
(16:50):
so-and-so's child, right, oh,you know I I've talked about
this, this even in otherepisodes where, um, you know I,
there were girls in ourcommunity that were doing things
that were not necessarilyappropriate and therefore I was
being chastised for theirmistakes right for the thing, or
I don't even want to call themistakes, that's their life's
(17:11):
journey, their journey I wasbeing kind of so.
For me that was less like everymove I made, every decision,
like even friends.
The way I picked friends waslike are you, do you have the
same, uh, restrictions as I do?
Are you gonna get like, or wasyour maca okay?
If your maca is not okay, I'mnot trying to get dragged into
(17:31):
your maca you know what I?
Mean, if you're so, I'm like,if so, I'm like.
I'm trying to stay clear, ifanyone's like you're doing a
background check exactly becauseI didn't want my name in
another another person'ssituations.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
Yeah, you know.
Speaker 4 (17:50):
It wasn't necessarily a wound to me.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
It's a learned behavior.
Yeah, I can take that.
I want to know have you?
Speaker 2 (17:58):
guys had a friendship breakup then Definitely no.
Speaker 3 (18:01):
I think I want to know.
No, I think for me it's notlike a breakup where, like
abruptly, like oh, I'm not yourfriend anymore and then we storm
off.
No, I think, over time whathappens to me in a lot of my
relationships not a lot of them,like some relationships is that
they'll be flying.
Yeah, they'll be distance right, like you know you're not.
(18:25):
We might have moved states whenI was younger.
We moved around quite a lot,like I feel like I've been to
three or four high schoolsgrowing up, so we moved around a
lot.
And If you move away then itcreates that distance and your
friendships kind of just fade,you know, especially if they're
(18:46):
not super strong ones.
And I think out of all myrelationship, probably my
longest one is probably a 20year friendship, but it's, you
know, we grew up together.
We still kept in touch, evenwhen we moved.
You know quite a bit and stufflike that.
Speaker 2 (19:03):
So are you guys?
Speaker 3 (19:04):
still together.
Yeah, we're still together,okay, 24 years strong.
Okay, what about you?
Speaker 4 (19:10):
bonnie, oh, I've had friendships explode because no,
the thing is, I'm also, I'm not,I'm not like I'm sure I don't.
I tend to speak like everyconflict out, like I talk
everything out, you know.
Speaker 3 (19:26):
I don't say like yeah , so you create problems.
Speaker 4 (19:28):
Hey, excuse me, no, I address them.
Excuse me, she's expressive, Iaddress them.
Yes, anyway.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
So you're that friend .
Speaker 4 (19:37):
I'm that friend, I bring it to the table.
I'm like, hey, so you know, I'mfeeling this type of way.
How do you feel about it?
Did you mean to feel?
You know, is this the way youwanted to move, Because I'm
receiving it this way?
Is this the way you meant?
Was it what you meant?
I give people the opportunityto course correct and if they
don't.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
I wish I can do that.
Speaker 4 (19:56):
I know Me it's such a gift.
The thing is and I don't knowif it is because it's like for
me, I don't want to hold peopleaccountable to my assumptions of
what they did Right.
I want to make sure that I giveyou the opportunity to say hey,
actually you misunderstood,because I'm not always right and
(20:18):
sometimes I project my owninsecurities, my own emotions
onto situations and I misreadthings, my own emotions onto
situations, and I misread things.
So I give you the opportunity tosay hey, this, this is what I
understood from the situationthe way you spoke, the way you
move, the way you acted.
Whatever the case is, um, andif it is, let's, let's talk
about it, and there are certainthings, obviously hardcore red
lines that people should notcross, and if they do, there
needs no conversation, and myconversation would be hey,
(20:40):
assalamu alaikum, I feel thistype of way about the situation.
I don't think me, and youshould continue.
Oh, you actually said thatdefinitely I I, because I also
don't like ghosting people okayum, I'm very clear on like I pre
I tried my best to leavesituations uh, and and in the
(21:04):
best terms.
Um, because my, my mom used totell me, um, that it's better to
not have any friends than makeenemies, unless that enemy is
for a cause.
So if you are making enemiesbecause you're standing for
something, yeah, more power toyou, yeah, right.
But if you're making enemiesjust because you're
(21:24):
miscommunicating enemies,because you're standing for
something, yeah, more power toyou, yeah, right.
But if you're making enemiesjust because you're
miscommunicating or becauseyou're whatever you know, then
it's not necessary, you know so.
(21:46):
So I kind of tried to move thatway, to go back to the whole,
like, how do I address conflictor how do I kind of just, you
know, first of all, with myfriendships, specifically, um,
the one that I that comes tomind is in college.
Um, I was friends with, um, acouple of girls, um, they were
beautiful girls and but there'striangulation happening, right,
I hate that me too, and there'striangulation happening, and I
(22:08):
also was, at that time, tryingto find my voice, right, I was
trying to stop being such apeople pleaser.
I was trying to, um, kind of bemore real, and but then that
realness was like getting takenout of context, right?
So I would consider Iconsistently was trying to morph
(22:31):
myself and contort myself intosomething that there was they
were comfortable with, right?
Because I am very much of anopen book.
I tend to tell people you'removing kind of weird right now,
even if it's not for my benefit,even if it's for their benefit,
um, whatever the case might be.
So I was contorting myself intosomething that I didn't feel
(22:52):
comfortable with, but that wasmaking them feel more
comfortable, um, and then Irealized it's not worth it
because, one, there is atriangulation you, they, they
are more close with each otherthan I am with them.
Right, and there was already aselection.
So it was like I know that Iwasn't like, how do I explain
(23:14):
this?
If there was a life raft, whichone is?
going yeah, there was a liferaft and there was like a piece
of bread and the other and me.
I know they would pick thepiece of bread over me.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
Does that make sense?
That is a very difficult spaceto be in.
Speaker 4 (23:35):
Yeah, so I had to kind of admit myself.
I admit to myself like, why areyou pretending yeah Like?
Why?
Why do you need this Like?
Why are you pretending yeahLike?
Why do you need this Like?
Why are you pretending?
Why do you guys think like?
Speaker 3 (23:46):
we do that as women, like why don't we just have
friends, say you're friends withlike three girls or whatever
Case in point?
Yeah, but no, it's never thecase that like equally, all
three are like exactly on thesame page, same level of
friendship, and stuff like that.
Because I like even in highschool I did have a friend where
, like me and uh one, one ofthem were like really close, um,
(24:09):
and then the other girl, likeall three of them, I considered
them equally friends, right, butone of them, whenever I would,
um, hang out or talk to theother girl, she'd like I don't
know, she would just kind of actweird.
Have you guys had ever had thatsituation happen to?
Speaker 4 (24:24):
you, I am the girl that would act weird, okay, no,
no, I'm just explaining what youmean from my understanding like
yeah, because the thing is whatyou would think, as you're, for
what, as you are being equallyfriends, is it might not see, it
might not be really equally,especially when it comes to
(24:45):
youth, right?
Yeah, for me now, myunderstanding is that everyone
has different relationships witheverybody else and also, and it
never can be equal.
Speaker 3 (24:53):
It never can be equal Even between your kids.
Speaker 4 (24:55):
You can make it equal and then also everyone needs
different things from everybodyelse yeah.
What?
Never mind, keep going.
No, everyone needs differentthings from everybody else yeah,
what I'm just never mind keepgoing.
No, everyone needs differentthings from everybody else.
So for me specifically, I'munderstanding that like I have
to be 100 authentically myselfin every situation, I can't, as
long as I am at peace in who Iam in that space and I feel
(25:20):
accepted as who I am and I'mgetting what I need from this
friendship, and then you aregetting what you need from my
friendship with you.
It doesn't matter how close youguys are.
Does that make sense?
My friendship and you is veryunique yeah, and my friendship
with her is very unique.
We're getting I'm getting fromthe habe what I need and she's
(25:41):
getting from me what she needsbut then there has to be a clear
communication from the threepeople.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
yeah, to establish that level of trust, right
security in the relationships.
Otherwise there's somebody'sgoing to feel insecure in that
relationship because of there'ssomething like a lot of time.
What happens is that plan ismade behind without including
that person and then it's likeit wasn't intentional, it was
(26:07):
just it happened because ofwhatever the reason is Right.
Speaker 3 (26:10):
Especially if you're working on one thing all
together.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
Not even that.
Let's say, for example, youaccidentally call that person
and you're like hey, what's up,I do want to get coffee, I need
to talk to you about somethingthat's not planned, it's just a
randomly a day and not veryintentional, right.
But then if that person hasn'theard from you to saying it, if
they found out, like down theroad, that this happened,
they're like why didn't they notinclude me?
(26:35):
What happened?
Like they will come up withthat kind of creative stories,
you know.
Speaker 4 (26:40):
I think that's who I was.
But now I'm realizing thatthere's no such thing as a
three-way friendship.
It has to be a one-on-onefriendship.
Speaker 3 (26:49):
You can't, but I think, but I understand what
you're saying.
The habit like when you'remaking plans, you know, behind
the other person's back, I thinkin that situation, but you're
not, but you're not, but itfeels that way.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
It's stated to the group chat saying hey, we went
out today, we were thinking ofyou and it was just like you
know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (27:09):
I don't think that's necessary.
Speaker 4 (27:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:11):
I understand that part no-transcript random
(27:32):
intentional friends that areunintentionally happening, but
in that regard I agree more withBonnie.
Speaker 3 (27:37):
I think sometimes it just happens spontaneously, like
if I'm driving on in Blaine orwhatever and I just stop by or
whatever.
Speaker 4 (27:44):
no, not even that sorry.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
Go ahead sorry what is going on, are you okay?
Not even that is specific.
Speaker 4 (27:53):
No, I, I genuinely feel like three adults because,
like, for example, I should callthe habe yeah, right, I should
call you and be like hey, theHabe, let's go have lunch.
Yeah, and me and you have lunch, yeah, we talk about whatever
the hell we want to talk about,and then come back right, and
then I don't have to tellAbshuro, you know what I mean.
(28:13):
Yeah, that's true, I agree, aslong as yeah, yeah, yeah, but
like and the intention securityhas to happen.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
Maybe because we're so secure with each other.
That's how I feel.
Okay, right, that's the biggestthing.
So let me finish that thought.
First, the intentional securityin relationship has to be there
in order for the group not tofeel any some sort of way about
one another.
If there's some sort of likethe intensities are different,
(28:41):
the treatments are different,then there is unintentional
insecurity happens inrelationship.
That's what I mean by that.
So, it's like you have to makesure that you talk about things
and not make it as they come, asthey come.
Speaker 4 (28:56):
Don't make votes, that's all I say.
Speaker 3 (28:58):
If you make votes, then there will be problems.
Ok, I think we veered off alittle bit.
Let's go back to becauseearlier we talked about how it's
hard making friends, because Ifeel like you have these
problems when you have friends,I have these problems.
No, I'm saying in general, wehave these problems of
triangulation or whatever whenyou actually have friends.
But I feel like there's a lotof people who don't know how to
(29:22):
make friends.
Where do you go to meet newpeople?
Um, and are they do want thatconnection with the next person
you know, even if you aremarried and whatnot?
Speaker 2 (29:32):
um, yeah, I feel like I think I want to talk about
what to look for in friends.
And then look and where to findthem.
First, understand what are youlooking for in friendship, right
?
What is your values are youlooking for?
Right?
For some people it can behonesty, it can be respect, it
can be attentiveness, it can becommunications, it can be
(29:52):
stability, whatever.
What are you looking for infriendship?
Once you establish that, Ithink the best aspect of finding
friends is like in a groupsetting, right.
Group setting activities,community event, social
gathering that one friends haveso kind of.
If somebody invite you go, thenyou'll meet somebody else there
.
If you like outdoor stuff, findhobbies and things that you're
(30:14):
interested in, and those are thespaces that eventually you'll
meet people right.
But you have to also get out ofa little bit of your comfort
zone, willing to kind of giveyourself a chance to do
something that's not usually youlook into doing out of routine
out of routine.
So that's something that Iwould say that would help.
Speaker 3 (30:33):
Yeah, yeah.
I would say like, go to the gym, take a class, meet people, say
hi, I think that's my.
My biggest issue is like Idon't know.
I live in my head a lot, youguys, right.
So if I would see somebody new,even at work, for example, and
I know she's muslim, or like youknow, I've seen them somewhere
(30:54):
um, I'm walking right, I walk,I'm walking past this person and
I'm like, okay, I should justsay hi.
I said hi, I can't be like youknow.
And then I walk by the girl.
Speaker 4 (31:04):
That's me, I can't give anybody any advice on how
to make friends, because I don'tknow how to make friends as an
adult.
To be honest, I think the thingis in social media.
I'm very like.
If I see someone, that's likethey post something, um yeah,
but that's a paradox whatever.
(31:26):
But then, even in person, if Isee a girl and I say I can say I
can go to the oh mashallah, youlook so beautiful, I am so
generous with that.
I, I don't have any problemgoing to a random stranger and
be like hey, I know this isgonna sound very weird, but I
just want to tell you you lookvery beautiful, mashallah.
And move on.
Yeah, but then going that extrapart of like going hey, like
like let's have tea or let'shave coffee, or like let's
(31:48):
exchange numbers.
Yeah, I'd rather ask a guy toexchange numbers with me than
girl like I will.
It's so petrifying because I'mso opposite.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
On that I can make friends.
Speaker 3 (32:00):
Yeah, but that's a paradox too right, like I feel
like in this day and age, youhave so many people online that
you interact with and stuff likethat, but not necessarily in
real life, you know, and I think.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
I don't interact with people online.
Speaker 3 (32:12):
I know, but you at least have people on your feed
or whatever you see what they'redoing that you think you know.
Speaker 4 (32:19):
I have so many people in my head that I think I know
them because I see their life onsocial media.
In real life?
I don't know yeah.
Speaker 3 (32:27):
So I think that you know ability to cultivate
friendships and meet new people.
Speaker 2 (32:34):
I think a lot of people are losing that, yeah,
and I think the best way to doabout it is kind of taking those
like initiative to yourself andif you feel like it's important
to you and that is somethingthat I think it might be helpful
for you to do, and so hopefully, you follow those suggestions
that I provided, because, at theend of the day, you know what
(32:55):
we all need friends, we all needcommunity.
We all need, you know,fostering that environment and
so that we have a way ofconnecting to other people
besides our already pre-fosteredfriendships, and we all need
friends.
So, yeah, that's all I wantedto say about this topic.
This is Difficult Conversation.
Thank you for listening.
Thank, you.
Speaker 1 (33:15):
Thank you, it's all, michael.
Join the conversation in thecomment section or on our social
media pages.
We do not have all the answersand our biggest goal is to kick
off the conversation and get itstarted.
May Allah accept our effortsand use us for catalysts of
change.
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