February 3, 2025 • 52 mins
In this episode, we discuss the profound impact of our childhood experiences on our parenting styles while exploring emotional intelligence and regulation. The conversation highlights the importance of fostering a safe environment for children to express their feelings while reflecting on how our own upbringing shapes our actions as parents.
• Engaging personal stories about children's emotional intelligence
• Exploring how generational parenting influences current styles
• Importance of emotional regulation for parents
• Recognizing scarcity mindset and shifting towards abundance
• The power of sharing vulnerabilities in parenting
• Creating a safe space for children to express feelings
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Assalamu alaikum, Welcome to Difficult
Conversations where we tackletaboo topics in a safe space
through empowerment andeducation.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Hi, assalamu alaikum, how are you two doing today?
Welcome back to season four,ladies.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
Welcome back.
How are you guys?
Are you guys excited for seasonfour?
Speaker 2 (00:24):
I'm very excited.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Me too.
It's good to be back in thestudio and recording.
Yes, it's been a while.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Yes, absolutely.
Well, my name is Dahabe.
I am here to just talk abouteverything mental health,
emotional health, physicalhealth and ways that we can kind
of improve our life, and that'swhat I'm going to be here
talking a lot about and you'llhear a lot of it.
So yeah, that's me.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
I'm Abshiro.
I'm in healthcare by backgroundand I'm really excited for the
season.
Speaker 3 (00:58):
I am Bonnie and I am also in healthcare, but more in
the administration side forbackground, and I'm also a life
coach.
More in the administration sidefor background and I'm also a
life coach, and I'm reallyexcited to talk to you guys this
season.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
So, ladies, this season we're going to be
focusing on a new, brand newepisode of Seasons.
Overall, we're going to betalking about parent mental
health and kind of giving ouraudience a little bit overview
of what our discussion is goingto be.
And kind of giving our audiencea little bit overview of what
our discussion is going to beand kind of addressing the
complicity around being, youknow, parenting and navigating
(01:32):
different things that comesalong with that, and so kind of
providing talking about our ownexperiences growing up, talking
about how two of you are aparent and how you guys are
navigating those experiences andbeing also a daughter, a sister
and all that come with that,and how you can talk about that
experience as well.
I think I want to start outwith something that's related to
(01:56):
parenting and then Apshita isgoing to have stories for us
today too.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Yeah, so I want to kind of bring a situation that I
had with my eldest daughter andwhich kind of surprised me, not
really because she's just verylike, she's very introverted,
but she kind of like thinks likean um adult sometimes with, and
she'll say certain things I'mjust like, wow, where did you
(02:22):
get that from, you know?
So the other day she comes andthen she's like, because I give
her like an allowance and Iusually give her like five
dollars or whatever, and at themadrasa she goes to they can buy
like honey, bun or whatever forlike a dollar.
So then she brings me fourdollars back and she's like, you
know, mommy, like I want you tohave these four dollars and put
(02:44):
it in your.
You can put it in your accountor like money jar or whatever,
because I don't want you to worktoo much.
And here's the money, as youknow, in return.
So that hit me because you knowI'm only a point six at the
hospital, I don't really workthat much, but I'm always like
in this like shuffling stagebecause I also manage my own
(03:08):
business with my husband.
And it surprised me becausekids, you know, they're kind of
in tune with these things andthey recognize and they observe
a lot of day-to-day things thatyou do, and so it's really
important for you as a parent toreflect on that things that you
do, and so it's reallyimportant for you as a parent to
reflect on that uh, so it doesnot and how that translate into
(03:28):
your parenting styles with themas well.
So I thought that wasinteresting.
What do you guys think aboutthat?
Speaker 3 (03:33):
so I think that means that like for you in your head,
right, like you're like oh, I'mjust a point six, I'm not
working that much yeah, I'm notlike you know I'm getting time
for my family.
But I think she still sees itlike oh, I want.
That says she wants more of me.
Yeah, that says a lot aboutyour parenting, like she wants
more of you in the house youknow, because she yeah, that
makes sense, that makes senseyeah, I think a lot of time our
(03:55):
own.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
I'm going to go back a little bit because I think
previous season we talked aboutparenting, that our own
experiences from our parents andwhen we were raised, like like,
I want to kind of go back toyour daughter experiences
because I remember myself alsobeing worrying about looking for
quality time for my mom andnoticing how hard she works and
noticing how much she provide.
(04:16):
And I think sometimes, even asan adult today, the scarcity
mindset about money for me comesfrom not seeing my mom that
often and also working as hardas she did and try to provide
for me.
But in the midst of that I'msupposed to be grateful for the
fact that she's trying toprovide that and I can see why.
(04:36):
And sometimes we also forget asa parent and that we don't
notice this subtle things thatour kids picks up right, and
sometimes people would say likeyou know, kids don't know
anything.
But I always say kids are themost smart, emotionally
intelligent I wouldn't say thecreature, but individually
(04:57):
they're so smart right, no, they, yeah, my kids.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
they like surprise me every day.
And I think, as somebody tryingto parent in the 21st century,
you almost sometimes I findmyself kind of questioning
literally everything that I do.
Because you're like, ok, I'mreading all these books on
parenting, you don't want toemotionally damage them, you
don't want to, you know.
(05:21):
And then at some point you'rejust like, okay, what is the
right way to do it?
And you know, if you are tryingto do a growth mindset and, you
know, trying to instill certainvalues into your kids, um, how
would you navigate that?
Speaker 2 (05:37):
you would say I mean, I'm curious to ask you mothers,
right like I want to hear fromyou guys.
What does it look like to raisechildren from emotionally
resilient one stress resilientand have a growth mindset around
that?
What does that look like foryou as a parent and specifically
related to how you were alsoraised?
(05:58):
Those are two questions.
I'm curious how you guysnavigate that.
Do you think about that or isthat part of your parenting
style that you're trying toimplement?
Speaker 3 (06:07):
yeah, I mean personally for me I think about
it all the time depend witheverything that we, I do because
, um, I call my kids like thegreat experiment, because I'm
not parenting from a space ofexperience, like I don't want to
parent them the way I've beenparented, um, and then I'm also
taking, like you know, like I'msure I said, like reading these
(06:29):
books, watching these videos,watching these lectures, you
know all of these things andtaking stuff from my, uh,
personal experience, from myparents, that I saw, that I
liked, and not like you know,make and make sure I'm omitting
things that I didn't like, soadding all of these things in a
pot and trying to serve it up ina way that is beneficial to
(06:51):
them and gets them the best.
You know outcome and then alsoyou know, with that comes big
fear.
Right like you don't get theresponse when you when you
create like, for example, I grew, grew up in a, in a family that
we, we, we got hit and you knowthe discipline was that we were
(07:11):
, we got hit and we gotcontundas and we got, you know,
whatever, whatever, and we werevery much afraid of our parents
and I grew up back home in thesense that that wasn't
considered abuse.
It's not In my head.
It's not abuse, it's more ofthat's how parents parent back
home, that's how parentsdiscipline back home and for me,
(07:32):
and for a very long time Istill I believed that that was
like you need to and I still do.
There's an aspect of fearchildren need to have of their
parents because that guides themand keeps them.
You know, when the loving waythe carrot doesn't work, the
stick needs to work, notmetaphorically, you know, but I
feel like now I am learning thatlike, okay, how much space is
(07:54):
too much right?
How much space is enough?
How much you know and likebeing able to be stern?
But how stern can I be right?
How loving can I be withoutmaking them, turning them into
brats?
How you know, how much can Iprovide?
And even the idea of scarcitymindset right, like I was
reading this book a couple ofyears ago, called um rich dad,
(08:17):
poor dad, and he was talkingabout the fact that, like the
difference between rich peopleand poor people poor people and
how they parent their, theirchildren is that is, that poor
parents tend to poor meaning.
Like he was talking aboutmiddle school, middle class
families.
They teach their kids like wecan't afford that or we can't
get that because we don't haveenough money for that, versus
(08:39):
how rich parent their kids wouldlike we can.
How do you want to get how?
What do we have to do to getthat thing you know more of like
action-based versus like astagnant?
I can't so like stuff like that.
And then also I was watching avideo about um, how, how kids,
if your kids are willing andfeel safe enough to say no to
(09:00):
you, or if they feel safe enoughand if they are okay to have
their emotions outright in frontof you, like my, my son was
like mom, um, I think you'rebeing very rude right now.
You're not listening to me.
I'm trying to talk to you and Iwas talking to his dad and he
was talking to me and I kind ofhad like he was just going here
(09:21):
and he was probably asking methe same thing 10 times that
I've already answered and heliterally stopped me and he said
mama, I think you're being rude, you're not listening to me.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
Yeah, and I think that's that's the catch, right?
Yeah, is that like and I've alsohad grown up with parents that
are very like, you know,authoritarian and kind of like,
expected certain things andstuff like that, and now, like
trying to parent from a space ofyou expected certain things and
stuff like that and now liketrying to parent from a space of
you know, um, growth and andstuff like that you, you can, in
(09:52):
theory, um, cause, okay,earlier, I said, you know,
reading all these books andstuff like that, when I try to
apply these certain things, Ithink I apply it to a space
where it gets comfortable.
Certain things, I think I applyit to a space where it gets
comfortable, you know.
And so when they do push backon me, or when they, when
they're like, oh, you know, um,and kids are really good at
(10:13):
catching you in your lie, youknow, as soon as inconsistency,
yeah, and so as soon as theycatch me and they're like, well,
that's not what you told melast time, I automatically
revert back to the parentingthat I see, just shut up.
You know, and I think for a longtime, like with my eldest,
we've been kind of going backand forth where, like I want her
(10:35):
and I realize and I've talkedto my husband about this I'm
like, well, I think she's likesensitive.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
And you know and it translates that, and how she
relates to other kids and otherstudents as well, and I think
I've kind of mentioned onprevious episodes.
But now when she does push backon me and she, my niece and
nephew, is that when they firstcame, my sister's kids, when
they first came to the US, Iraised them based on fear, fear
of overly protective and verymindful of like I wanted to kind
(11:20):
of continue the generationalparenting style that was taught
to me, wanted to kind ofcontinue the generational
parenting style that was taughtto me and I felt that was
appropriate to go about that.
And as I was doing that,recently, in the past five years
, I recognized fear that I wasparenting them from.
Is that not trusting theprocess of their own skills and
how they can grow in thissociety?
(11:41):
And so I go around apologizingto my older niece and nephew
that I said I recognize thatI've been really parenting you
guys from a fear place and soI'm really sorry about that
because I didn't know how else Icould do it differently.
And I also raised you guys fromthe things that I didn't have,
(12:02):
the things that I wish I couldhave had, the type of emotional
availability from people in mylife.
So I parented you guys based onthose skills that I had.
And then I told the girls thegirls are, mashallah, always so
kind, but they will say you knowwhat, don't worry about it,
it's okay.
And then the boy said somethingto me.
He said yeah, you're right, youare very strict.
(12:27):
You are very like strict.
And then I went into defendmode where, like this is why I
was strict Right now, although Iwent there to apologize, I'm
still defending myself in theprocess and then I told him you
know, you're right, I was strict.
My strict is not an excuse forhow I parented you, but I just
(12:52):
wanted to kind of us talkingabout what that looked like for
us, and because I parented youbased on how my mom parented me,
how my society was parenting meas a parent.
Today, is there a moment, whileyou are kind of raising this an
amazing, adorable kids, thatyou can see yourself, or you can
see your mother in yourself,the way you go about it, and
(13:12):
you're like wait a minute, thatsounds like my mom.
Yeah I shouldn't have even saidthat like that.
Yeah, yeah, what would thatlook like?
Give us an example orexperiences that you guys went
through with that.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
Oh, you want to go?
Yeah, you can.
You can go.
Oh, for me, specifically, likewhen I was pregnant with my son
my oldest one I kind of was likehaving a panic attack because I
was scared that I would.
Because, for me, being strictis good, like I don't think
there's anything wrong withbeing strict, especially in the
world that we live in today.
(13:43):
I was worried that I was goingto ruin or spoil him from a
space of fear in the sense that,like, I'm probably going to
give this child too much and andand they're not gonna have any
because, again, like I came fromback home, I was a refugee.
I lost my parents when I wasyoung.
(14:03):
So, like all this shit that Iwent through, that made, built
my character and was able to, II use as, like, my armor this
child I hope for.
You know, I pray every day thatthey he doesn't have to go
through it and that's not how hebuilds, or they build, um, yeah
, their armor right.
So I'm like, okay, but I don'thave any other skills and I
don't have any other tools tohelp them build that armor right
.
So I'm like, okay, but I don'thave any other skills, I don't
(14:26):
have any other tools to helpthem build that armor to go and
face the world.
I want them to be compassionate, I want them to be kind on all
of these things.
So I was worried that I'm alsoone going to be like, oh you
know, I'm going to beemotionally available, I'm going
to be, I'm going to give themeverything that I never had and
I'm going to spoil these kidsrotten.
So the first thing I did wasget a therapist.
I was like I cannot parent froma space of fear, a space of
(14:49):
nostalgia, because when you lookat your past, you tend to look
through rose-colored glasses.
So if I tell any parents what Iwould tell them is that make
sure you got your stuff figuredout.
Why do you parent the way youdo?
What do you like about the wayyou were parented do?
What do you like about the wayyou were parented?
What didn't you like about theway you were parented?
I really had to do a lot ofinventory right, and then I had
(15:11):
to be like okay, why do youthink this worked for you and
why didn't this work for you?
You know now that you look atyourself in hindsight because
nobody knows your past self likeyou do now, right, you have all
the different.
You know, hindsight is 2020, soand then, by analyzing that,
okay, my parents maybe didn'trealize the fact that I was a
sensitive child.
Maybe they didn't realize I hada fire in my belly, that that
(15:34):
like came out as like, maybe, um, rebellious, but it was just
that it needed to get challenged, uh, channeled a certain way,
you know, or whatever the casemight be right.
So, being able to be like, okay, when my child like presents
these things, like my daughter,alhamdulillah, she is fire, she
is I know, if I cultivate that,she's going to set the world
(15:58):
ablaze in the best way possible.
I feel it and I don't, but thenthat's really hard to parent,
because that's not like a yesma'am, no ma'am, like okay, I'll
do this for you, like that'snot that yes, and I don't want
to kill it, so I have to learnhow to like yes the reason why
that it is hard to parentbecause we were not skilled to
(16:19):
be that type of child.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Yeah, we're not skilled to be challenged, yeah,
or to be the child, like thatwho's able to, because we are
parent based on like, um, like,following orders yeah, right,
very authoritative, yeah, yes orno, and never argue yeah, we
knew exactly, yes, yeah, yeah.
So it's like when your child isbeing so fully like herself and
(16:42):
joyfully and being assertive,being direct and being able to
set boundaries so loudly, you'relike whoa, what is that?
Speaker 3 (16:49):
yeah, and you also have to understand sorry, I
don't mean to cut you off, butlike you also have to take into
play that you, she, has to beable to channel it, maintain it
and then create healthy ways ofexpressing it without coming off
abrasive to others.
Right, yes, but that's later,though.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
The thing is that that's later, yeah, when she
does do that, but also Hold on.
When she does do that, right.
When she's doing it in themidst of it, you let it be,
right In the midst of it, youlet it be, and then the same
later, maybe in the evening, inthe midst of it, you let it be,
and then the same later, maybein the evening.
If she's doing that in themorning, you don't go.
When she's in the middle of it,when she calms down and she's
(17:30):
regulated, we come by and sayyou know, honey, I think the way
you are feeling this morningmakes sense.
You are feeling a lot of bigfeelings.
I don't think that's how weshould be doing, and this is how
we should do it, because Ithink for us, what I'm trying to
get at is that our parents tryto discipline us while we're
trying to experience our ownemotion, while we're trying to
understand what we're feeling.
(17:51):
First of all we don't understandwhat we're feeling and they're
trying to discipline us at thesame time as you're feeling it,
those emotions.
So, like, what I'm saying isthat let the child feel what she
feels and then come back andguide them through that.
How to be with that instead ofran away because this is this is
the more like I'm saying thisfrom my expert point of view
(18:12):
what actually works, becausethere is a level to it the way
emotional regulation forchildren works.
So in our culture, in ourcommunity, when the child does
something let's say she breaks aglass in the room right, we
come in the room and say why didyou do that, why didn't you do
the da-da-da-da?
But you're starting with thequestion why they can't process
why, even as an adult, the braindoesn't answer why yet?
(18:36):
Are you okay?
Is there anything I can do tohelp?
Can you help me clean up?
First, the body has to feelsafe in order for the brain to
answer the question.
Yeah, what I'm learning as anaunt and as an also professional
in this, in this child raisingarea feels is to like wait, the
reasoning is not available yet.
(18:58):
Yeah, the body feels danger.
Yeah, when something is wrong.
Speaker 3 (19:03):
Yeah, right well, right, well, can I stop?
Can I just add a little bit,because that danger aspect,
right, yes, I feel like Ahon,for example, just in reality
aspect.
I think there's two things thatI loved about what you said
that I agree with, and I justwant to add a little bit of
amendment to two things, do youmind?
Speaker 1 (19:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:20):
Okay.
So what I was going to say wasthat, yes, coming back is great,
but when you are dealing withsomeone that is under five or
you know, like for example withyusuf with, who's five years old
right now, that works fine.
I can come back to him in acouple of hours and then, like,
have that conversation and he'stotally like remembers and
recalls and he understands, like, he he's calmed down and
(19:40):
regulated with nafi, who's threeyears old.
Right for me, it's, for her,it's about one.
Okay, you're valid.
Okay, feel your feelings rightnow.
Like, let me hold you, let mefeel it, make you feel
comfortable to feel yourfeelings and then, once she's
because they go like this andthey go like this really fast so
when she's there yeah, right,in that moment you have to be
(20:02):
able to be like okay, I totallyunderstand why you felt the way
you do in that moment, notcoming back, because then she'll
forget, she doesn't know whatyou're talking about right now
or in a day later, whatever soshe'll be in the moment you,
after she's come back, you'relike okay, I understand why you
felt the way you felt.
I understand you're feelingthis way and you're right, it's
okay, but can we do it this way?
Speaker 1 (20:19):
yeah for her.
You understand with the agedifference.
Speaker 3 (20:21):
Yeah it, I noticed that.
That's very important.
I think you guys are saying thesame thing.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
Yeah, I'm just talking the amendment is about
the timeline for me for that,but the timeline is up to you as
a parent, right.
I don't have a specifictimeline in my head.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
I'm just saying that.
But no, I think she's sayingnot in the moment in the.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
Moment of when when the glass is broken yeah, yes,
and then that's also what I wastalking about, what I was going
to say.
My second point with the, withthe danger aspect that I wanted
to point out, is that, likesometimes parents, because the,
when you, when they hear dangerright, like, for example, with
yusuf actually today, what isgoing on back off?
Speaker 2 (20:54):
oh sorry, we keep going, so the danger was with
with yusuf.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
He had dumped a plant that had soil onto the carpet
and he came.
He, because in our housethere's a rule which is if you
tell me the truth, you won't getin trouble.
We'll talk about it, but itwon't get in trouble.
Yeah, so he literally called mefrom the kitchen.
He's like mommy, I have to showyou something that I did in
your office.
And then he's like look,there's a you know soil on the
(21:23):
ground and I fell by accident.
And I said okay can you get theyou know like little vacuum
thing and then like, let's cleanit up?
And then because that meansthat there is a previous
conversation that has takenplace there to a point to avoid
that danger.
There was no danger for him inthere.
What he needed, what he knewand he understood was that the
(21:44):
danger comes if I broke thisrule, which is if I lie right if
I come and I tell my mom she'sgonna know, like she's gonna
help me figure it out, and Ithat is not built.
and like rome is not built in aday, yeah, it's throughout his
growth.
That's the conversation.
Is that okay?
They get scared, us kids, whenthey break something right, and
(22:06):
I will.
Yeah, you have to be like no,it's okay.
It's okay that you broke it,but let's clean it up and let's
talk about it.
Then, even if they're five,even Nafi, that's the same thing
for her.
It's the same thing for her.
It's that she understands.
If she tells me, no problem Ifthey hide it, there's a problem.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
I will say that it's easier said than done, though I
think that, as a parent say,when the glass breaks, you have
two options.
Right, you can be like what,what did you do?
Blah, blah, blah.
Or you can take a step back andthink about it and be like okay
, worst case scenario, what'sthe value of that glass?
(22:42):
You know you would rather justtake a moment, talk to them, be
like, let's talk about it.
I do want to highlight the lyingaspect of it too.
You know, kids only lie whenthey know that they're going to
get in trouble for what they did.
You know and I've kind ofexperimented this is that my
kids, when, when they're like,okay, you know they've broken
(23:06):
something and you know theydon't want to get me upset, or
they think they're going to makeme mad or whatever, then
they'll be like no, no, no, Ididn't, I didn't do it, or
whatever.
So what I've started to do isto be like okay, yeah, the glass
broke, it's fine, you know,know.
And so Fatou, who is like four,she'd be like mommy, you know,
mommy, I broke the glass andstuff like that.
So now we've done this multipletimes or she'll, she'll do
(23:26):
something wrong and she'll.
And then I'll ask them who didit, even though I've seen him do
it, and they'll be like, oh,fatou did it, or my youngest,
who's like two, I'll be like whodid it?
And then he'll be like Binu didit.
So kind of reinforcing this,like like Binu did it, so kind
of reinforcing this like You'resafe, that you're safe and you
don't have to lie about what youdid.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
And I think that also comes back because I feel like
most of the time and it's like Isaid, this is also like you
said, it's easier said than doneis that you have to and I think
ASEAN, I think season one orseason two said this you have to
parent from a space of purpose,like what, every single
interaction that you have?
You have only 10 summers, right, you have only whatever like
(24:04):
before, they are just eitherignoring you, they've set their
ways, whatever, so you have to.
Every single interaction has tobe set with this, with purpose,
like you can literally go offabout that cup, but in the long
run, how?
How important is that cup?
You could use that opportunity,if you're parenting from a
space of purpose, to make it ateaching, teachable moment.
(24:26):
Yeah, right, to build a bridge,to build trust, to build
comfort, and I think that's andit's also I totally understand
and sympathize with parents thatare moving in a space of light,
right, like and at the speed oflight, which is like I need to
get done, I need to move, I needto like, be able to.
I have work to do, I have dinnerto cook, I have children that I
need to, and I can't sit thereand emotionally regulate with
(24:48):
you 24 7, every time you'rehaving a moment.
They might have kids, but youbut yeah, yeah.
So being able, I totallysympathize with that.
But then, taking a step back,you do everything you do as a
parent for your kids.
You go to work and work 16hours for your kids, but what is
that for if you're damagingyour kids when you're at home?
Speaker 1 (25:08):
Yeah, you know what I mean, and I think it's also
shifting their mindset too whenit comes to work and why we work
and stuff like that.
But I kind of want to go backto because we keep mentioning
this growth mindset, growthaspect, and I want you to kind
of define that.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
Before I do that, I have a question for you guys.
So what did in that case?
Since we're talking aboutparenting that way, there, right
, when it comes to disciplinesand stuff like that, what does
it mean for a parent to beemotionally regulated?
For you two, I think, for me,like to be emotionally regulated
for you to deal.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
I think for me, like to be emotionally regulated is
to deal and go through your ownissues first, you know, because
I think that what if you have somuch baggage that you have not
even unpacked and stuff likethat?
And I don't, I don't think as ahuman being you're ever fully
unpacked and fully workingthrough all of your issues.
But to take a moment, whetherit's with a therapist, whether
(26:01):
it's with your spouse, to talkto them, because some days are a
lot harder than others For mepersonally.
I have some days where I'mgoing 50 miles an hour, I've got
, I'm working, I'm working on mybusiness, I'm working on so
many different projects that I'mproud of and all that, and
sometimes it might feel like I'mnot giving them my 100 percent,
(26:25):
and in those days you know Imight have a shorter fuse or
might, you know, snap orwhatever.
But just taking a moment andreally self-reflecting, I think
helps overall.
Speaker 3 (26:39):
In addition to that, I think one thing, as people
like real life because we're notjust parents, right, we're
human beings that are dealingwith like real life situations
One thing that we need to do,and we need to make sure that we
do, is that our kids are notthe place in any way, shape or
form to let our emotionsunchecked right, meaning that,
(27:01):
like let's going back to thatminute example of a glass being
broken you are upset.
Maybe that glass cost you,maybe someone gave you a gift,
maybe whatever it's important toyou, but and then you're
feeling a lot of feelings andit's valid, but your kids are
not the space, they're not the,they're not, um, old enough to
be able to be the receiving end,at the receiving end of all of
(27:24):
that.
So you have to be like okay,because, think about it, if that
glass broke, or if it was yourboss that did that to you at
work or something you know,whatever, if it was a stranger,
you won't go off.
There is that control factor,there's always a control factor.
Implement that, implement thatwith your kids.
Go to vent to your husband oryour wife or your friend or your
(27:46):
aunt, whatever, but then withthem you have to be able to be,
there's a needs to be a momentof like, decorum and
professionalism and, like you,being a parent is work, yeah,
and so you have to show up towork and check your emotions and
your baggage at the door, youknow, because, just like you do
when you walk into work and Isay that because but I also
(28:09):
don't think it depends on theage the kid is at too, because,
like, if I'm dealing with my twoyear old or my three year, my
four-year-old or whatever, Imight not like show emotion and
stuff like that, but I feel likeas kids get older, it's
important for them to see youwork through your emotions in a
healthy way.
And I want to also say this,because you just reminded me of
(28:31):
something I say with my kidsmommy's really frustrated right
now.
So they understand, I also getupset, I also get frustrated.
So you know what yusuf and nafidid to me we'll lie, we'll be
like.
So I'm like I'm upset and I amthis.
This is like um, they done,they did something.
And I've told them 10 milliontimes and and and I'm like yusuf
(28:53):
, I'm not yelling, I'm justright there.
You know, like my buttons, it'skind of stuck to like go.
So I'm like, you know, I likemy buttons kind of stuck to like
go.
So I'm like you know we'vetalked about this, you're not
supposed to do this.
And then they're like mommy,okay, when we get frustrated,
what do we do?
Okay, I can, I can do it withyou.
(29:14):
Wallahi wa billahi, yusuf, hedoes that with me.
He's like I'll do it with you.
And I'm like what do we do?
It's like, okay, take a deepbreath.
Take a deep breath, mommy,because you're getting really
frustrated right now.
So take a deep breath and I'mlike okay, cool, I, I have to
abide by that, because I can'tsay do as I.
I say not as I do, right.
So like having that, also likeit's like you said, it's very,
very important to be able to behuman.
(29:36):
But so they know that you getupset, you get angry.
It's not only them, but youalso say, you also practice what
you preach yeah, you alsobreathe through it you also walk
away from it.
You also, whatever the case isright um, that's that.
Those are very important and Ithink that builds relationships
with each other what about likemake?
Speaker 1 (29:58):
so now our kids are young, right I?
And I have these thoughts allthe time that how do I prepare
them for a society that we'reliving in that is vastly
changing, like you know, whetherthat it would be helpful for
you guys to talk about themoment that you felt you
dysregulated and how you handlethat situation.
Speaker 2 (30:18):
So I think that would be really helpful to be
relatable to that.
I think we're kind of talkingabout hypothetically what it
looks like.
Yeah, I want us to dive deeper,like what is, what does it mean
for me to feel dysregulated,what makes me dysregulated?
And, and if I am dysregulated,how do I show up in my house?
Yeah, I want you guys to talkabout that a little bit more oh,
(30:38):
so not what you okay beforethat before that yeah when I am
dysregulated, how do I show upin my house?
Speaker 3 (30:46):
um, like I said, if it's coming to that point of
frustration and they can see it,I have to verbalize it and be
like hey, mommy's getting reallyfrustrated.
I'm gonna go upstairs that youfelt that way specifically
recently in the past maybe threedays, Usually enough, you wrote
with a Sharpie, permanentSharpie, all over my laptop and
(31:06):
that was I was like it wasreally.
You know, it was my and that'sthe laptop I take to, you know,
work, school, whatever, and theyliterally can't wipe it off.
So and the literally you can'twipe it off in a so and the
inside or the outside, theoutside, so, like if I'm walking
around, it looks like there'slike a whole artist put a cover
on it.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
Yeah, like literally and so I had to photography.
Yeah, yeah, it literally lookslike a graffiti on my laptop,
except you know a three-year-oldand a five-year-old did it.
Speaker 3 (31:33):
So that was you know, and um, so I had to be like.
I literally had to removemyself because I had to say okay
, this is I.
How many times did we talkabout not using sharpies?
And where are you allowed touse a sharpie?
Because my, our first.
Did you use it in that tone ofvoice?
(31:53):
Yes, okay, or was it louder?
No, so when there are momentswhen I do, I'm not gonna lie
that I do get loud, okay, butmost of the time when it is um,
actually, I learned this from myuncle.
He used to say um, if youemphasize the wrong things, like
, for example, when I was young,my aunt used to like the heart
(32:14):
tone I brought everything wasthe same.
If you didn't wash the dishes,it's the whole hell is, the
house is going to hell.
And then if you do somethingextremely bad, that's the same.
So then you can't tell thedifference.
Speaker 1 (32:24):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (32:25):
So I had to be like okay, and when I, when I know
this is like super serious, Ihave to make sure, like okay, I
have, you have to understand,this is not great, this is
you've crossed some sort of line.
So, like you know, Yusuf, youknow, and I'm like very, my face
is there, my tone is there, myvolume is a little bit up With a
little kunduta Maybe.
(32:46):
No, actually, no, actuallythat's not true.
If they break, if they, if it'san accident or if they do
something, I normally don't gofor kunduta.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (33:03):
Normally, kunduta is reserved for, which is a pinch
yeah, that is reserved for likethat.
Speaker 3 (33:05):
I have a very strong feeling about that.
Okay, yes, I need yourimmediate attention because I
need you to remember this.
Like, for example, yusuf andnafi were playing so we don't
have candles in my house anymorebecause they were playing
around candle and you know, they, they I don't know what they
were trying to do, but like thecandle fell and like, so we had,
like I have a big cute tablethat has like a bird on it.
So that is something I need youto understand to never, ever do
(33:28):
again so there's two situation.
Speaker 2 (33:30):
There's a situation of the computer have sharpie and
there's a candle.
There's a candle.
So how do you?
Speaker 3 (33:35):
that's a safety situation like or you left the
garage door open and he walkedout, you know, so that's a
safety situation.
Or Yusuf left the garage dooropen and he walked out, so
that's a safety thing for me.
So I need you to have anemotional remembrance to like
don't ever do that.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
And I think but that's you Okay.
So in that sense what I'mhearing right, you are afraid of
.
Something bad happened to yourkid in both ways.
Speaker 3 (34:00):
That's going to affect it to them.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
To them and the house and the situation itself.
Forget the house.
Yeah, so you are afraid ofwhat's going to happen to them
because out of danger?
Yes, that's going to happen tothem.
I think your question is yourreaction to that was I want him
to remember that they will neverdo that again?
Yes, but that for me, what Ihear that is sandwiching with
(34:25):
anxiety that you're building intheir system.
Speaker 3 (34:28):
No, I think it's very close.
Think about it.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
Because you're afraid .
Yes, and that is somethingdangerous that kids do yes, and
your reaction to that I want youto remember so you don't do it
again.
Speaker 3 (34:41):
Yes, but I'm not doing it for the sake of my
anxiety or my sake of fear.
It's more about but are youaware of it?
Yes, because, and also becauseyou guys know, maybe if you guys
listen to my season one andseason two talk conversations
about like contudas, I'm very Iused to be very, very pro, like
(35:02):
I used to be.
Speaker 1 (35:02):
Season one was like like a year ago no, not really,
that's two years ago it's notthat I'm not anymore, it's I'm
in a different space there'sgrowth, growth mindset so at
that time I feel like, oh, youknow my idea of because, also,
I'm getting to know my kids more.
Speaker 3 (35:21):
They're growing, they're having personalities.
It's not about just I learnedbetter and now I'm doing better.
It's not that.
It's like I know Yusuf respondsmore to conversation and he
responds to more of like beingeye level and having that than
me like being on top and and youknow, like having some sort of
authority over him, so I have torespect and, like it has, I
(35:43):
have to conform to what worksfor that.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
Yeah, Adjusting your yeah.
Speaker 3 (35:47):
And I'm not to, I'm, I'm, I'm not to.
When I was there, I've beenvery clear about where I was
there, like, oh, you know, don'ttouch your kids.
Like a little it's okay for me,right, that's fine.
But why are you doing that my,and then at home, for example,
with yusuf specifically?
I speak for yusuf because youknow, like he's getting really,
(36:08):
really mature and he'sunderstanding and we can have a
real conversation.
He and I make sure he knows,like if that happens to him now,
it's very it's real, like it'soh, okay, mommy, I'm so sorry,
like he gets it, you know helike so, according to research,
I'm going to be that person.
Speaker 2 (36:28):
Go ahead, please, and you guys are going to not like
it.
Yeah, according to research,this is something that I
probably had to unlearn too.
One form of the way anxiety isinducing children is one form of
discipline.
Speaker 1 (36:43):
Okay.
So then see, that's the problemI have with like reading, like
digging deep, parenting talks orwhatever, Like everybody's,
like you should do it this way,you should do it this way, and I
feel like, as a parent, it'sinducing anxiety in me because
I'm like okay.
Speaker 2 (36:59):
It's not about you, though I know, I know it's not
about me but fundamentally, ifit is about you, that's where
you go outside of your supportsystem to regulate yourself.
Speaker 1 (37:08):
Yeah, so fundamentally, I think my job as
a parent is to raise a childthat is well-rounded, raise a
child that is well-rounded, thatis able to handle situations
that are stressful, that is ableto participate in society in a
positive and fruitful way.
(37:29):
And I say that, and how I getthere?
I feel like every day is abattle and every day is like oh,
something fat, yeah, somethingdifferent, something that I have
to um, tackle.
There's, you know, alwayssomething that I'm I'm having to
unlearn to think about, to belike cause at the end of the day
, when I, when I sleep in bedand when I'm like thinking about
(37:52):
how the day went.
You know, there's certainsituations like, oh, maybe I
shouldn't have talked to herlike that, maybe I shouldn't
have, um, you know, comparedthem to like that, maybe I
shouldn't have said oh, yoursister did this or whatever.
you know what I mean, becauseand we're going back to the
aspect of you know, having yourparents come out this was like
20 years or so of you hearingthese things and and inevitably
(38:15):
it will come out where you'relike wow, I'm Apsharo, you
sounded exactly like your mothertoday, I think can we also put
a connotation to that?
Speaker 3 (38:24):
Because sometimes sounding like your mom is great
In the sense that your momputting that fear of God in you.
Like I said, I know what theresearch says, but then,
anecdotally, from the peoplethat we've been surrounded
around and the people that wegrew up to be in, most of the
time most of us grew up aroundthe same parenting styles, right
(38:45):
, and there, looking back, thereare ways and there are reasons
why you're like I'm so glad mymom did this.
That's so true.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:53):
I agree with you guys .
Speaker 2 (38:54):
Yes you guys, yeah, so like, yes.
So there's a way what I'msaying is like and I'm also
working with people who was alsoborn and raised here, like you
guys, who work really hard andtry to provide for their kids,
and those kids are the onethat's sitting in front of me
telling me how that they did not, from their point of view, that
they didn't receive a goodlevel of support yeah, and I I'm
(39:18):
not.
Speaker 3 (39:18):
I'm not discouraging that at all.
I think that's totally valid.
Like I said, I have aspects ofmy parenting that I'm like that
was over the top, that was notnecessary, that was not
necessary.
And then also sorry, I justdon't want to lose my train of
thought, go ahead.
But then, at the same time,there are moments when I'm like
I totally appreciate the factthat this person took these
(39:39):
steps to stop me.
Because now I am the way I ambecause of these decisions and
because, like, I genuinely feellike I was more afraid of my
family than they even knew, inthe sense that, like I put
boundaries up for myself incollege and in you know whatever
in high school that they didn'teven put for me, in the sense
(40:00):
because I was like I don't evenwant to get there.
I want to put, like, let's say,for example, my curfew right.
I don't think they even said,like your curfew is this time,
but I told my friends that I hada curfew of like, unless it's
weekend, 6pm and not 601.
And my friend, or, like my, myfamily, family was.
(40:22):
So I had to be home at 6 pm andmy friends, if they wanted me
there, if they liked me enoughto to want me there, they had to
have everything finished by 6pm, you know, and before 6 pm so
that I could get yeah, so thencan two things can be true at
the same time, then what are thetwo things?
Speaker 2 (40:32):
the fact that their experience of teaching you how
to guide you in the world andhow that affected you yeah, and
I always wait.
Speaker 3 (40:40):
Hold on, can you explain?
Speaker 2 (40:41):
that a little bit.
Let's say, for example, you'resaying that there is caveat to
the fact that how I was raisedis beneficial for me in some
ways.
In some ways, and the respondto that, the emotional impact
with that, yeah, yeah, butthat's what I'm saying, that's
where my like.
Speaker 3 (40:55):
So I'm taking that from that, putting, putting it
into my parenting pot and I'mlike, oh, this emotional thing
wasn't there, so I'm going toput this there so that there's
the best of both worlds.
Does that make sense?
Speaker 1 (41:07):
I also take comfort, I guess, in that you know, like
Islamically right, you havecertain responsibilities and
stuff like that the kids have onyou and you have on your
parents.
Responsibilities and stuff likethat are the kids have on you
and you know you have on yourparents, um, and so I take
comfort in the fact that I cantry to be a growth mindset
parent.
I can try, you know, not to docertain things but at the end of
(41:29):
it, when my kids are grown andyou know they have their own, uh
, personalities, they, I feellike they come to that, not, I
feel, yes, they they do come tothat on their own as well, and
and how you can help.
You do take a percentage, butthere are certain percentage of
their personality too.
(41:49):
That is just personality, okay,and you know, and there's this
um so there's innately designedpersonality from allah.
Speaker 2 (41:57):
yes, that that they have.
And then there's the thingsthat I contribute.
Speaker 1 (42:00):
Yeah, yeah.
And so, for example, I wasreading this story or I don't
know, this person was sayingthat he had two sons.
This guy and he was a smoker orhe did like some bad things, or
whatever.
One son turned out completelydifferent from his dad and they
asked him you know, why did youtake this route?
And he said because my dad wasthat way.
(42:26):
And then the other guy he wentexactly what his dad did, and so
they asked him you know, like,why did you take this route?
And he said because my dad did.
You know the guy, the fatherdid one thing, but you have two
different results as a result.
Speaker 2 (42:37):
Yeah, you know so so is that part of the mindset that
you're trying to provide foryour child.
The way that you're trying toraise is basically trying to
provide how they can navigate inthe world the best.
Speaker 1 (42:49):
I can the best way, yeah, the best way that I can,
but without putting so muchpressure on myself that I want
my child to be this, you know,or whatever, and all that stuff
yeah, and I think alsocommunication is very key.
Speaker 3 (43:04):
I feel like you know I've always I always talk about,
like my, my growing up backhome.
The one thing I reallyappreciated about my parents
when I was back home is that Itotally understood that we
didn't have money.
I also understood that, um, theywere doing the best that they
could so like if we didn't havemoney, I also understood that
they were doing the best thatthey could so like if I didn't
have like going to school withthese rich people back home and
(43:24):
I was the poor girl in thatschool, I felt like I didn't
feel bad, that I didn't have thethings that they did or the
gadgets that they did and Iwasn't picked up in a chauffeur.
You know I didn't care.
I mean, you're a kid, you knowwasn't picked up in a chauffeur.
You know I didn't care.
Not, I mean, you're a kid, youknow you notice, you pay
attention, but you understandthat like that's my parents act
of love and the money that theyhave is going to give me a
(43:47):
better future.
And they had communicated thatlike hey, hey, sarah, like hey,
bonnie, uh, we, you know we havethis much money, this, you know
, like not necessarily this much, but like you know, you, we are
spending this much for you inthe month.
Look at our neighborhood.
You know, like, where the kidsgo and look at where you go.
You know this is more importantfor us to spend the money on.
Yeah, so I totally.
(44:07):
When I went there I knew what Iwas going in with.
Of course, like I said, in thebeginning, there was that there
and now I know better and I dobetter, taking that aspect too,
when I talk, communicate with myson and he literally was
talking about we went toMarshall's and he was asking for
toys.
Right, and I don't want to gethim the toy, not necessarily
because we can afford that 15-20dollar toy, but because he had
(44:28):
enough at home.
So, but I might.
I was literally gonna come outof my mouth like mommy doesn't
have money right now.
We don't have money but then Iliterally rewinded it back and I
said you know, um, we don'tneed it right now.
When you need it, let me know.
And he was like, oh, okay,because I was like you have.
And I was pushing him and I waslike, oh, you know, you have so
(44:49):
many toys back.
We remember the back the, thewhole box of toys that you have
that and you haven't.
We don't play with them all.
So when you need more toys, letme know.
But we have toys, right, andthat's intentional parenting
that's intentional purposefuland holding yourself and
understanding okay.
So that's what I mean about likeit's great to communicate, but
then also I would say, like Iwould not have, I guess maybe,
(45:12):
um, because there's thatinferiority complex that comes
when you know that others haveand you don't right, and um and
the overcompensation theovercompensation of it.
So I feel like I don't knowexactly what I would have done
in that space, but, like in thespace my parents were.
But I really did appreciatethat communication of like this
(45:35):
is what we're doing, what we'redoing, this is what you have,
what you have, this is what youdon't have, what you don't have,
and when it comes to, like,even the punishment aspect of it
, um, even when it comes to thepunishment aspect of it,
communicating, hey, sarah, I'mnot, you know, giving you a
kunduda.
I'm not, you know, whateverbecause I don't like you or
because you're a bad girl.
It's because you did this thing.
And you know, my mom alwaysshook.
(45:58):
I would get the whippings oflife and then, after I was done
crying, my mom would come in andshe'd be like you know, we, you
know, this is, this is thethings that you did.
I really want you to do better,and you know.
So on and so forth.
Yeah, so I understood it didn'tcome from a space of hate or I
was a bad girl.
I kind of thought, saw it likeI did something not great versus
(46:20):
.
Speaker 2 (46:20):
So what I'm getting out of our today's conversation
is a couple of things right,there is level of space for
involvement, for being a parent,because you're not where you
were when you first started.
And then there is level of kindof your own design of your own
parent, that parent that youcontribute to, sometimes, the
way you parent.
And then there's level ofchange.
(46:41):
Right, there's some things thatyou believed on a couple of
years ago as far as how you wantto raise your kids and then
understanding what is parentingfrom growth mindset is involved
as balance.
Right, because the wholepurpose is like how can we
balance the way that we'reraising in a household Regulated
, safe, connected and also beingable to be assertive child in
(47:03):
the world?
And how would they be able tounderstand the emotional
regulation for themselves andthe emotional resiliency or
stress resiliency as well?
What does that look like forthem?
It's kind of talking about itwith your kids inside the house,
and so I kind of wanted to.
Speaker 1 (47:18):
I just want to say a couple things.
Yes, go ahead.
I just want to say that I dowant to touch upon that, because
we talked about how our parentsparented us and how that's kind
of affecting our parentingstyles, and I want to recognize
that that was a different timethat they parented us and right
now we are dealing with thingsthat are happening in the
(47:41):
community that maybe, you know,10 years ago, 20 years ago, was
not really as front and center,and I'm really excited for the
rest of the season because allof these things that you know to
mental health leads to problemsin the community all stem from
the home.
(48:01):
You know whether it's neglect,whether it's parents not giving
their time, you know their kids,you know their rights and in
all these things, it all startshere, so you can go into, I
guess can I add one?
Speaker 3 (48:14):
more yeah thing, I you know, just before we jump
from the parenting aspect of it,you know there's two things
that I wanted to add on to that.
One is that parenting from aspace we talked about, parenting
from a space of growth,parenting from a space of fear,
and but then also when I youknow, when we mentioned about
how, like, we have to takeinventory of our own traumas,
(48:36):
our own issues, to make surethat we are not imposing those
on our kids right and makingsure that, like we, like, if you
are a people pleaser, why areyou a people pleaser?
Why do you not have, why do youhave these porous boundaries?
How can you help your kidcreate those?
Like you can't do what you have, you, what you haven't seen
being done, and the only way youknow how to do that is by going
(48:59):
after and taking inventory ofthe all the things that you,
because like being introspective, and taking inventory of all
the things that you feel likenot necessarily are wrong with
you, but are wrong with you.
Or like, oh I, I have badboundary skills.
I have, you know, peoplepleasing tendencies.
I have whatever a, b and c andd, whatever I have anger issues.
Why is that?
What about my parent?
(49:20):
Like how I was parented, or mygrowing up, or whatever, what
brought me here?
I said at this age okay, howcan?
Now that I know this, whatcould have been done to stop
that from happening?
yeah, and making sure to do thatyeah because otherwise your
kids are going to be a carboncopy of you.
They're going to have the sametraumas that you do.
Speaker 1 (49:40):
Or you're going to pass out to them.
Speaker 3 (49:41):
Yeah, it's generational, yeah so like
people pleasers and we'll createpeople pleasers, anger people.
Speaker 2 (49:48):
You know, and so on, and so forth.
Speaker 3 (49:49):
So just making sure to take inventory of your own
issues, get solutions for thoseso that when they show up in
your kids, or when they show upwhen you interact with your kids
, you have better tools toparent.
Speaker 2 (50:02):
Yeah, absolutely, and as an, as an audience, if you
ask yourself how do I do that,what can I do that, how all that
kind of stuff comes up to youand I think that's a great
question I usually lead withgoing to see in therapy, and I
think that's also again I saidthis last season, I will say it
again suggesting that is alwaysa place of privilege and I
wanted to acknowledge that.
(50:22):
But there are podcasts, thereare videos out there.
Speaker 1 (50:25):
There are books.
Speaker 2 (50:27):
There are communities of people on TikTok that
actually talk about stuff likethis, and I also am noticing a
lot of Oromo young girls talkingabout their experiences on
TikTok too, seeing a lot ofOromo young girls talking about
their experiences on TikTok too,and it's okay to talk about the
areas that we feel that there'snot being, there's a void in it
and kind of connecting to that.
So this season we're going tohave such an amazing
conversation that is going totry to be a lot more difficult
(50:48):
and complex and it's going to bea lot of uncomfortability for
all of us because we're tryingto push ourselves outside of our
comfort zone.
So we're going to be talkingabout the things that will be
really well connected.
So I want to encourage thelisteners to reflect on what
does it mean those parentalstyles looks like for you and
what kind of mindset are yougoing into?
How do you emotionally regulateyourself when you are kind of
(51:09):
connecting to your kids and howdo you create balance and create
kids that are resilient andproud of themselves and so that
way that they'll be able to notdeal with a lot of the things
that is really hard to even talkabout.
And also, I encourage you guysto kind of think about how do I
create a safe space for my kids?
Just make sure that you alsotalk about the things that's
(51:29):
affecting you in a sense of likenot digestible but comfortable
ways that your kids are also canbe related to you and see you
as a human being, versus justthis perfect parent as you shown
to be.
Speaker 1 (51:41):
So any last thought, ladies, before we close today's
amazing conversation, definitelylooking forward to all the
different topics and, yeah,looking forward to all the
different topics and, you know,looking forward to having
difficult, more difficultconversations yeah, last thing I
would say is that make sureyour kids are anchored in either
(52:02):
in islam and their deen, or intheir culture or both I feel
like the best, the best um uhupbringings have strong anchors.
Speaker 2 (52:10):
That are bigger than their parents and bigger than
their own personality.
Speaker 3 (52:13):
and those are those two things having Making sure
your kids are dipped in theirdeen and dipped in their culture
.
Speaker 1 (52:19):
And that's kind of like guardrails too, for you,
which?
Speaker 2 (52:21):
helps.
So thank you so much forlistening.
We'll see you on the nextepisode.
Speaker 3 (52:27):
This has been.
Speaker 2 (52:28):
Difficult Conversations.
Speaker 1 (52:30):
Join the conversation in the comment section or on
our Instagram page to share withus what you think.
We do not have all the answersand our biggest goal is to kick
off and get the conversationgoing.
May Allah accept our effortsand use us as catalysts for
change.
Assalamu alaikum, Welcome to Difficult
Conversations where we tackletaboo topics in a safe space
through empowerment andeducation.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Hi, assalamu alaikum, how are you two doing today?
Welcome back to season four,ladies.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
Welcome back.
How are you guys?
Are you guys excited for seasonfour?
Speaker 2 (00:24):
I'm very excited.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Me too.
It's good to be back in thestudio and recording.
Yes, it's been a while.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Yes, absolutely.
Well, my name is Dahabe.
I am here to just talk abouteverything mental health,
emotional health, physicalhealth and ways that we can kind
of improve our life, and that'swhat I'm going to be here
talking a lot about and you'llhear a lot of it.
So yeah, that's me.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
I'm Abshiro.
I'm in healthcare by backgroundand I'm really excited for the
season.
Speaker 3 (00:58):
I am Bonnie and I am also in healthcare, but more in
the administration side forbackground, and I'm also a life
coach.
More in the administration sidefor background and I'm also a
life coach, and I'm reallyexcited to talk to you guys this
season.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
So, ladies, this season we're going to be
focusing on a new, brand newepisode of Seasons.
Overall, we're going to betalking about parent mental
health and kind of giving ouraudience a little bit overview
of what our discussion is goingto be.
And kind of giving our audiencea little bit overview of what
our discussion is going to beand kind of addressing the
complicity around being, youknow, parenting and navigating
(01:32):
different things that comesalong with that, and so kind of
providing talking about our ownexperiences growing up, talking
about how two of you are aparent and how you guys are
navigating those experiences andbeing also a daughter, a sister
and all that come with that,and how you can talk about that
experience as well.
I think I want to start outwith something that's related to
(01:56):
parenting and then Apshita isgoing to have stories for us
today too.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Yeah, so I want to kind of bring a situation that I
had with my eldest daughter andwhich kind of surprised me, not
really because she's just verylike, she's very introverted,
but she kind of like thinks likean um adult sometimes with, and
she'll say certain things I'mjust like, wow, where did you
(02:22):
get that from, you know?
So the other day she comes andthen she's like, because I give
her like an allowance and Iusually give her like five
dollars or whatever, and at themadrasa she goes to they can buy
like honey, bun or whatever forlike a dollar.
So then she brings me fourdollars back and she's like, you
know, mommy, like I want you tohave these four dollars and put
(02:44):
it in your.
You can put it in your accountor like money jar or whatever,
because I don't want you to worktoo much.
And here's the money, as youknow, in return.
So that hit me because you knowI'm only a point six at the
hospital, I don't really workthat much, but I'm always like
in this like shuffling stagebecause I also manage my own
(03:08):
business with my husband.
And it surprised me becausekids, you know, they're kind of
in tune with these things andthey recognize and they observe
a lot of day-to-day things thatyou do, and so it's really
important for you as a parent toreflect on that things that you
do, and so it's reallyimportant for you as a parent to
reflect on that uh, so it doesnot and how that translate into
(03:28):
your parenting styles with themas well.
So I thought that wasinteresting.
What do you guys think aboutthat?
Speaker 3 (03:33):
so I think that means that like for you in your head,
right, like you're like oh, I'mjust a point six, I'm not
working that much yeah, I'm notlike you know I'm getting time
for my family.
But I think she still sees itlike oh, I want.
That says she wants more of me.
Yeah, that says a lot aboutyour parenting, like she wants
more of you in the house youknow, because she yeah, that
makes sense, that makes senseyeah, I think a lot of time our
(03:55):
own.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
I'm going to go back a little bit because I think
previous season we talked aboutparenting, that our own
experiences from our parents andwhen we were raised, like like,
I want to kind of go back toyour daughter experiences
because I remember myself alsobeing worrying about looking for
quality time for my mom andnoticing how hard she works and
noticing how much she provide.
(04:16):
And I think sometimes, even asan adult today, the scarcity
mindset about money for me comesfrom not seeing my mom that
often and also working as hardas she did and try to provide
for me.
But in the midst of that I'msupposed to be grateful for the
fact that she's trying toprovide that and I can see why.
(04:36):
And sometimes we also forget asa parent and that we don't
notice this subtle things thatour kids picks up right, and
sometimes people would say likeyou know, kids don't know
anything.
But I always say kids are themost smart, emotionally
intelligent I wouldn't say thecreature, but individually
(04:57):
they're so smart right, no, they, yeah, my kids.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
they like surprise me every day.
And I think, as somebody tryingto parent in the 21st century,
you almost sometimes I findmyself kind of questioning
literally everything that I do.
Because you're like, ok, I'mreading all these books on
parenting, you don't want toemotionally damage them, you
don't want to, you know.
(05:21):
And then at some point you'rejust like, okay, what is the
right way to do it?
And you know, if you are tryingto do a growth mindset and, you
know, trying to instill certainvalues into your kids, um, how
would you navigate that?
Speaker 2 (05:37):
you would say I mean, I'm curious to ask you mothers,
right like I want to hear fromyou guys.
What does it look like to raisechildren from emotionally
resilient one stress resilientand have a growth mindset around
that?
What does that look like foryou as a parent and specifically
related to how you were alsoraised?
(05:58):
Those are two questions.
I'm curious how you guysnavigate that.
Do you think about that or isthat part of your parenting
style that you're trying toimplement?
Speaker 3 (06:07):
yeah, I mean personally for me I think about
it all the time depend witheverything that we, I do because
, um, I call my kids like thegreat experiment, because I'm
not parenting from a space ofexperience, like I don't want to
parent them the way I've beenparented, um, and then I'm also
taking, like you know, like I'msure I said, like reading these
(06:29):
books, watching these videos,watching these lectures, you
know all of these things andtaking stuff from my, uh,
personal experience, from myparents, that I saw, that I
liked, and not like you know,make and make sure I'm omitting
things that I didn't like, soadding all of these things in a
pot and trying to serve it up ina way that is beneficial to
(06:51):
them and gets them the best.
You know outcome and then alsoyou know, with that comes big
fear.
Right like you don't get theresponse when you when you
create like, for example, I grew, grew up in a, in a family that
we, we, we got hit and you knowthe discipline was that we were
(07:11):
, we got hit and we gotcontundas and we got, you know,
whatever, whatever, and we werevery much afraid of our parents
and I grew up back home in thesense that that wasn't
considered abuse.
It's not In my head.
It's not abuse, it's more ofthat's how parents parent back
home, that's how parentsdiscipline back home and for me,
(07:32):
and for a very long time Istill I believed that that was
like you need to and I still do.
There's an aspect of fearchildren need to have of their
parents because that guides themand keeps them.
You know, when the loving waythe carrot doesn't work, the
stick needs to work, notmetaphorically, you know, but I
feel like now I am learning thatlike, okay, how much space is
(07:54):
too much right?
How much space is enough?
How much you know and likebeing able to be stern?
But how stern can I be right?
How loving can I be withoutmaking them, turning them into
brats?
How you know, how much can Iprovide?
And even the idea of scarcitymindset right, like I was
reading this book a couple ofyears ago, called um rich dad,
(08:17):
poor dad, and he was talkingabout the fact that, like the
difference between rich peopleand poor people poor people and
how they parent their, theirchildren is that is, that poor
parents tend to poor meaning.
Like he was talking aboutmiddle school, middle class
families.
They teach their kids like wecan't afford that or we can't
get that because we don't haveenough money for that, versus
(08:39):
how rich parent their kids wouldlike we can.
How do you want to get how?
What do we have to do to getthat thing you know more of like
action-based versus like astagnant?
I can't so like stuff like that.
And then also I was watching avideo about um, how, how kids,
if your kids are willing andfeel safe enough to say no to
(09:00):
you, or if they feel safe enoughand if they are okay to have
their emotions outright in frontof you, like my, my son was
like mom, um, I think you'rebeing very rude right now.
You're not listening to me.
I'm trying to talk to you and Iwas talking to his dad and he
was talking to me and I kind ofhad like he was just going here
(09:21):
and he was probably asking methe same thing 10 times that
I've already answered and heliterally stopped me and he said
mama, I think you're being rude, you're not listening to me.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
Yeah, and I think that's that's the catch, right?
Yeah, is that like and I've alsohad grown up with parents that
are very like, you know,authoritarian and kind of like,
expected certain things andstuff like that, and now, like
trying to parent from a space ofyou expected certain things and
stuff like that and now liketrying to parent from a space of
you know, um, growth and andstuff like that you, you can, in
(09:52):
theory, um, cause, okay,earlier, I said, you know,
reading all these books andstuff like that, when I try to
apply these certain things, Ithink I apply it to a space
where it gets comfortable.
Certain things, I think I applyit to a space where it gets
comfortable, you know.
And so when they do push backon me, or when they, when
they're like, oh, you know, um,and kids are really good at
(10:13):
catching you in your lie, youknow, as soon as inconsistency,
yeah, and so as soon as theycatch me and they're like, well,
that's not what you told melast time, I automatically
revert back to the parentingthat I see, just shut up.
You know, and I think for a longtime, like with my eldest,
we've been kind of going backand forth where, like I want her
(10:35):
and I realize and I've talkedto my husband about this I'm
like, well, I think she's likesensitive.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
And you know and it translates that, and how she
relates to other kids and otherstudents as well, and I think
I've kind of mentioned onprevious episodes.
But now when she does push backon me and she, my niece and
nephew, is that when they firstcame, my sister's kids, when
they first came to the US, Iraised them based on fear, fear
of overly protective and verymindful of like I wanted to kind
(11:20):
of continue the generationalparenting style that was taught
to me, wanted to kind ofcontinue the generational
parenting style that was taughtto me and I felt that was
appropriate to go about that.
And as I was doing that,recently, in the past five years
, I recognized fear that I wasparenting them from.
Is that not trusting theprocess of their own skills and
how they can grow in thissociety?
(11:41):
And so I go around apologizingto my older niece and nephew
that I said I recognize thatI've been really parenting you
guys from a fear place and soI'm really sorry about that
because I didn't know how else Icould do it differently.
And I also raised you guys fromthe things that I didn't have,
(12:02):
the things that I wish I couldhave had, the type of emotional
availability from people in mylife.
So I parented you guys based onthose skills that I had.
And then I told the girls thegirls are, mashallah, always so
kind, but they will say you knowwhat, don't worry about it,
it's okay.
And then the boy said somethingto me.
He said yeah, you're right, youare very strict.
(12:27):
You are very like strict.
And then I went into defendmode where, like this is why I
was strict Right now, although Iwent there to apologize, I'm
still defending myself in theprocess and then I told him you
know, you're right, I was strict.
My strict is not an excuse forhow I parented you, but I just
(12:52):
wanted to kind of us talkingabout what that looked like for
us, and because I parented youbased on how my mom parented me,
how my society was parenting meas a parent.
Today, is there a moment, whileyou are kind of raising this an
amazing, adorable kids, thatyou can see yourself, or you can
see your mother in yourself,the way you go about it, and
(13:12):
you're like wait a minute, thatsounds like my mom.
Yeah I shouldn't have even saidthat like that.
Yeah, yeah, what would thatlook like?
Give us an example orexperiences that you guys went
through with that.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
Oh, you want to go?
Yeah, you can.
You can go.
Oh, for me, specifically, likewhen I was pregnant with my son
my oldest one I kind of was likehaving a panic attack because I
was scared that I would.
Because, for me, being strictis good, like I don't think
there's anything wrong withbeing strict, especially in the
world that we live in today.
(13:43):
I was worried that I was goingto ruin or spoil him from a
space of fear in the sense that,like, I'm probably going to
give this child too much and andand they're not gonna have any
because, again, like I came fromback home, I was a refugee.
I lost my parents when I wasyoung.
(14:03):
So, like all this shit that Iwent through, that made, built
my character and was able to, II use as, like, my armor this
child I hope for.
You know, I pray every day thatthey he doesn't have to go
through it and that's not how hebuilds, or they build, um, yeah
, their armor right.
So I'm like, okay, but I don'thave any other skills and I
don't have any other tools tohelp them build that armor right
.
So I'm like, okay, but I don'thave any other skills, I don't
(14:26):
have any other tools to helpthem build that armor to go and
face the world.
I want them to be compassionate, I want them to be kind on all
of these things.
So I was worried that I'm alsoone going to be like, oh you
know, I'm going to beemotionally available, I'm going
to be, I'm going to give themeverything that I never had and
I'm going to spoil these kidsrotten.
So the first thing I did wasget a therapist.
I was like I cannot parent froma space of fear, a space of
(14:49):
nostalgia, because when you lookat your past, you tend to look
through rose-colored glasses.
So if I tell any parents what Iwould tell them is that make
sure you got your stuff figuredout.
Why do you parent the way youdo?
What do you like about the wayyou were parented do?
What do you like about the wayyou were parented?
What didn't you like about theway you were parented?
I really had to do a lot ofinventory right, and then I had
(15:11):
to be like okay, why do youthink this worked for you and
why didn't this work for you?
You know now that you look atyourself in hindsight because
nobody knows your past self likeyou do now, right, you have all
the different.
You know, hindsight is 2020, soand then, by analyzing that,
okay, my parents maybe didn'trealize the fact that I was a
sensitive child.
Maybe they didn't realize I hada fire in my belly, that that
(15:34):
like came out as like, maybe, um, rebellious, but it was just
that it needed to get challenged, uh, channeled a certain way,
you know, or whatever the casemight be right.
So, being able to be like, okay, when my child like presents
these things, like my daughter,alhamdulillah, she is fire, she
is I know, if I cultivate that,she's going to set the world
(15:58):
ablaze in the best way possible.
I feel it and I don't, but thenthat's really hard to parent,
because that's not like a yesma'am, no ma'am, like okay, I'll
do this for you, like that'snot that yes, and I don't want
to kill it, so I have to learnhow to like yes the reason why
that it is hard to parentbecause we were not skilled to
(16:19):
be that type of child.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Yeah, we're not skilled to be challenged, yeah,
or to be the child, like thatwho's able to, because we are
parent based on like, um, like,following orders yeah, right,
very authoritative, yeah, yes orno, and never argue yeah, we
knew exactly, yes, yeah, yeah.
So it's like when your child isbeing so fully like herself and
(16:42):
joyfully and being assertive,being direct and being able to
set boundaries so loudly, you'relike whoa, what is that?
Speaker 3 (16:49):
yeah, and you also have to understand sorry, I
don't mean to cut you off, butlike you also have to take into
play that you, she, has to beable to channel it, maintain it
and then create healthy ways ofexpressing it without coming off
abrasive to others.
Right, yes, but that's later,though.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
The thing is that that's later, yeah, when she
does do that, but also Hold on.
When she does do that, right.
When she's doing it in themidst of it, you let it be,
right In the midst of it, youlet it be, and then the same
later, maybe in the evening, inthe midst of it, you let it be,
and then the same later, maybein the evening.
If she's doing that in themorning, you don't go.
When she's in the middle of it,when she calms down and she's
(17:30):
regulated, we come by and sayyou know, honey, I think the way
you are feeling this morningmakes sense.
You are feeling a lot of bigfeelings.
I don't think that's how weshould be doing, and this is how
we should do it, because Ithink for us, what I'm trying to
get at is that our parents tryto discipline us while we're
trying to experience our ownemotion, while we're trying to
understand what we're feeling.
(17:51):
First of all we don't understandwhat we're feeling and they're
trying to discipline us at thesame time as you're feeling it,
those emotions.
So, like, what I'm saying isthat let the child feel what she
feels and then come back andguide them through that.
How to be with that instead ofran away because this is this is
the more like I'm saying thisfrom my expert point of view
(18:12):
what actually works, becausethere is a level to it the way
emotional regulation forchildren works.
So in our culture, in ourcommunity, when the child does
something let's say she breaks aglass in the room right, we
come in the room and say why didyou do that, why didn't you do
the da-da-da-da?
But you're starting with thequestion why they can't process
why, even as an adult, the braindoesn't answer why yet?
(18:36):
Are you okay?
Is there anything I can do tohelp?
Can you help me clean up?
First, the body has to feelsafe in order for the brain to
answer the question.
Yeah, what I'm learning as anaunt and as an also professional
in this, in this child raisingarea feels is to like wait, the
reasoning is not available yet.
(18:58):
Yeah, the body feels danger.
Yeah, when something is wrong.
Speaker 3 (19:03):
Yeah, right well, right, well, can I stop?
Can I just add a little bit,because that danger aspect,
right, yes, I feel like Ahon,for example, just in reality
aspect.
I think there's two things thatI loved about what you said
that I agree with, and I justwant to add a little bit of
amendment to two things, do youmind?
Speaker 1 (19:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (19:20):
Okay.
So what I was going to say wasthat, yes, coming back is great,
but when you are dealing withsomeone that is under five or
you know, like for example withyusuf with, who's five years old
right now, that works fine.
I can come back to him in acouple of hours and then, like,
have that conversation and he'stotally like remembers and
recalls and he understands, like, he he's calmed down and
(19:40):
regulated with nafi, who's threeyears old.
Right for me, it's, for her,it's about one.
Okay, you're valid.
Okay, feel your feelings rightnow.
Like, let me hold you, let mefeel it, make you feel
comfortable to feel yourfeelings and then, once she's
because they go like this andthey go like this really fast so
when she's there yeah, right,in that moment you have to be
(20:02):
able to be like okay, I totallyunderstand why you felt the way
you do in that moment, notcoming back, because then she'll
forget, she doesn't know whatyou're talking about right now
or in a day later, whatever soshe'll be in the moment you,
after she's come back, you'relike okay, I understand why you
felt the way you felt.
I understand you're feelingthis way and you're right, it's
okay, but can we do it this way?
Speaker 1 (20:19):
yeah for her.
You understand with the agedifference.
Speaker 3 (20:21):
Yeah it, I noticed that.
That's very important.
I think you guys are saying thesame thing.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
Yeah, I'm just talking the amendment is about
the timeline for me for that,but the timeline is up to you as
a parent, right.
I don't have a specifictimeline in my head.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
I'm just saying that.
But no, I think she's sayingnot in the moment in the.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
Moment of when when the glass is broken yeah, yes,
and then that's also what I wastalking about, what I was going
to say.
My second point with the, withthe danger aspect that I wanted
to point out, is that, likesometimes parents, because the,
when you, when they hear dangerright, like, for example, with
yusuf actually today, what isgoing on back off?
Speaker 2 (20:54):
oh sorry, we keep going, so the danger was with
with yusuf.
Speaker 3 (21:02):
He had dumped a plant that had soil onto the carpet
and he came.
He, because in our housethere's a rule which is if you
tell me the truth, you won't getin trouble.
We'll talk about it, but itwon't get in trouble.
Yeah, so he literally called mefrom the kitchen.
He's like mommy, I have to showyou something that I did in
your office.
And then he's like look,there's a you know soil on the
(21:23):
ground and I fell by accident.
And I said okay can you get theyou know like little vacuum
thing and then like, let's cleanit up?
And then because that meansthat there is a previous
conversation that has takenplace there to a point to avoid
that danger.
There was no danger for him inthere.
What he needed, what he knewand he understood was that the
(21:44):
danger comes if I broke thisrule, which is if I lie right if
I come and I tell my mom she'sgonna know, like she's gonna
help me figure it out, and Ithat is not built.
and like rome is not built in aday, yeah, it's throughout his
growth.
That's the conversation.
Is that okay?
They get scared, us kids, whenthey break something right, and
(22:06):
I will.
Yeah, you have to be like no,it's okay.
It's okay that you broke it,but let's clean it up and let's
talk about it.
Then, even if they're five,even Nafi, that's the same thing
for her.
It's the same thing for her.
It's that she understands.
If she tells me, no problem Ifthey hide it, there's a problem.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
I will say that it's easier said than done, though I
think that, as a parent say,when the glass breaks, you have
two options.
Right, you can be like what,what did you do?
Blah, blah, blah.
Or you can take a step back andthink about it and be like okay
, worst case scenario, what'sthe value of that glass?
(22:42):
You know you would rather justtake a moment, talk to them, be
like, let's talk about it.
I do want to highlight the lyingaspect of it too.
You know, kids only lie whenthey know that they're going to
get in trouble for what they did.
You know and I've kind ofexperimented this is that my
kids, when, when they're like,okay, you know they've broken
(23:06):
something and you know theydon't want to get me upset, or
they think they're going to makeme mad or whatever, then
they'll be like no, no, no, Ididn't, I didn't do it, or
whatever.
So what I've started to do isto be like okay, yeah, the glass
broke, it's fine, you know,know.
And so Fatou, who is like four,she'd be like mommy, you know,
mommy, I broke the glass andstuff like that.
So now we've done this multipletimes or she'll, she'll do
(23:26):
something wrong and she'll.
And then I'll ask them who didit, even though I've seen him do
it, and they'll be like, oh,fatou did it, or my youngest,
who's like two, I'll be like whodid it?
And then he'll be like Binu didit.
So kind of reinforcing this,like like Binu did it, so kind
of reinforcing this like You'resafe, that you're safe and you
don't have to lie about what youdid.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
And I think that also comes back because I feel like
most of the time and it's like Isaid, this is also like you
said, it's easier said than doneis that you have to and I think
ASEAN, I think season one orseason two said this you have to
parent from a space of purpose,like what, every single
interaction that you have?
You have only 10 summers, right, you have only whatever like
(24:04):
before, they are just eitherignoring you, they've set their
ways, whatever, so you have to.
Every single interaction has tobe set with this, with purpose,
like you can literally go offabout that cup, but in the long
run, how?
How important is that cup?
You could use that opportunity,if you're parenting from a
space of purpose, to make it ateaching, teachable moment.
(24:26):
Yeah, right, to build a bridge,to build trust, to build
comfort, and I think that's andit's also I totally understand
and sympathize with parents thatare moving in a space of light,
right, like and at the speed oflight, which is like I need to
get done, I need to move, I needto like, be able to.
I have work to do, I have dinnerto cook, I have children that I
need to, and I can't sit thereand emotionally regulate with
(24:48):
you 24 7, every time you'rehaving a moment.
They might have kids, but youbut yeah, yeah.
So being able, I totallysympathize with that.
But then, taking a step back,you do everything you do as a
parent for your kids.
You go to work and work 16hours for your kids, but what is
that for if you're damagingyour kids when you're at home?
Speaker 1 (25:08):
Yeah, you know what I mean, and I think it's also
shifting their mindset too whenit comes to work and why we work
and stuff like that.
But I kind of want to go backto because we keep mentioning
this growth mindset, growthaspect, and I want you to kind
of define that.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
Before I do that, I have a question for you guys.
So what did in that case?
Since we're talking aboutparenting that way, there, right
, when it comes to disciplinesand stuff like that, what does
it mean for a parent to beemotionally regulated?
For you two, I think, for me,like to be emotionally regulated
for you to deal.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
I think for me, like to be emotionally regulated is
to deal and go through your ownissues first, you know, because
I think that what if you have somuch baggage that you have not
even unpacked and stuff likethat?
And I don't, I don't think as ahuman being you're ever fully
unpacked and fully workingthrough all of your issues.
But to take a moment, whetherit's with a therapist, whether
(26:01):
it's with your spouse, to talkto them, because some days are a
lot harder than others For mepersonally.
I have some days where I'mgoing 50 miles an hour, I've got
, I'm working, I'm working on mybusiness, I'm working on so
many different projects that I'mproud of and all that, and
sometimes it might feel like I'mnot giving them my 100 percent,
(26:25):
and in those days you know Imight have a shorter fuse or
might, you know, snap orwhatever.
But just taking a moment andreally self-reflecting, I think
helps overall.
Speaker 3 (26:39):
In addition to that, I think one thing, as people
like real life because we're notjust parents, right, we're
human beings that are dealingwith like real life situations
One thing that we need to do,and we need to make sure that we
do, is that our kids are notthe place in any way, shape or
form to let our emotionsunchecked right, meaning that,
(27:01):
like let's going back to thatminute example of a glass being
broken you are upset.
Maybe that glass cost you,maybe someone gave you a gift,
maybe whatever it's important toyou, but and then you're
feeling a lot of feelings andit's valid, but your kids are
not the space, they're not the,they're not, um, old enough to
be able to be the receiving end,at the receiving end of all of
(27:24):
that.
So you have to be like okay,because, think about it, if that
glass broke, or if it was yourboss that did that to you at
work or something you know,whatever, if it was a stranger,
you won't go off.
There is that control factor,there's always a control factor.
Implement that, implement thatwith your kids.
Go to vent to your husband oryour wife or your friend or your
(27:46):
aunt, whatever, but then withthem you have to be able to be,
there's a needs to be a momentof like, decorum and
professionalism and, like you,being a parent is work, yeah,
and so you have to show up towork and check your emotions and
your baggage at the door, youknow, because, just like you do
when you walk into work and Isay that because but I also
(28:09):
don't think it depends on theage the kid is at too, because,
like, if I'm dealing with my twoyear old or my three year, my
four-year-old or whatever, Imight not like show emotion and
stuff like that, but I feel likeas kids get older, it's
important for them to see youwork through your emotions in a
healthy way.
And I want to also say this,because you just reminded me of
(28:31):
something I say with my kidsmommy's really frustrated right
now.
So they understand, I also getupset, I also get frustrated.
So you know what yusuf and nafidid to me we'll lie, we'll be
like.
So I'm like I'm upset and I amthis.
This is like um, they done,they did something.
And I've told them 10 milliontimes and and and I'm like yusuf
(28:53):
, I'm not yelling, I'm justright there.
You know, like my buttons, it'skind of stuck to like go.
So I'm like, you know, I likemy buttons kind of stuck to like
go.
So I'm like you know we'vetalked about this, you're not
supposed to do this.
And then they're like mommy,okay, when we get frustrated,
what do we do?
Okay, I can, I can do it withyou.
(29:14):
Wallahi wa billahi, yusuf, hedoes that with me.
He's like I'll do it with you.
And I'm like what do we do?
It's like, okay, take a deepbreath.
Take a deep breath, mommy,because you're getting really
frustrated right now.
So take a deep breath and I'mlike okay, cool, I, I have to
abide by that, because I can'tsay do as I.
I say not as I do, right.
So like having that, also likeit's like you said, it's very,
very important to be able to behuman.
(29:36):
But so they know that you getupset, you get angry.
It's not only them, but youalso say, you also practice what
you preach yeah, you alsobreathe through it you also walk
away from it.
You also, whatever the case isright um, that's that.
Those are very important and Ithink that builds relationships
with each other what about likemake?
Speaker 1 (29:58):
so now our kids are young, right I?
And I have these thoughts allthe time that how do I prepare
them for a society that we'reliving in that is vastly
changing, like you know, whetherthat it would be helpful for
you guys to talk about themoment that you felt you
dysregulated and how you handlethat situation.
Speaker 2 (30:18):
So I think that would be really helpful to be
relatable to that.
I think we're kind of talkingabout hypothetically what it
looks like.
Yeah, I want us to dive deeper,like what is, what does it mean
for me to feel dysregulated,what makes me dysregulated?
And, and if I am dysregulated,how do I show up in my house?
Yeah, I want you guys to talkabout that a little bit more oh,
(30:38):
so not what you okay beforethat before that yeah when I am
dysregulated, how do I show upin my house?
Speaker 3 (30:46):
um, like I said, if it's coming to that point of
frustration and they can see it,I have to verbalize it and be
like hey, mommy's getting reallyfrustrated.
I'm gonna go upstairs that youfelt that way specifically
recently in the past maybe threedays, Usually enough, you wrote
with a Sharpie, permanentSharpie, all over my laptop and
(31:06):
that was I was like it wasreally.
You know, it was my and that'sthe laptop I take to, you know,
work, school, whatever, and theyliterally can't wipe it off.
So and the literally you can'twipe it off in a so and the
inside or the outside, theoutside, so, like if I'm walking
around, it looks like there'slike a whole artist put a cover
on it.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
Yeah, like literally and so I had to photography.
Yeah, yeah, it literally lookslike a graffiti on my laptop,
except you know a three-year-oldand a five-year-old did it.
Speaker 3 (31:33):
So that was you know, and um, so I had to be like.
I literally had to removemyself because I had to say okay
, this is I.
How many times did we talkabout not using sharpies?
And where are you allowed touse a sharpie?
Because my, our first.
Did you use it in that tone ofvoice?
(31:53):
Yes, okay, or was it louder?
No, so when there are momentswhen I do, I'm not gonna lie
that I do get loud, okay, butmost of the time when it is um,
actually, I learned this from myuncle.
He used to say um, if youemphasize the wrong things, like
, for example, when I was young,my aunt used to like the heart
(32:14):
tone I brought everything wasthe same.
If you didn't wash the dishes,it's the whole hell is, the
house is going to hell.
And then if you do somethingextremely bad, that's the same.
So then you can't tell thedifference.
Speaker 1 (32:24):
You know what I mean.
Speaker 3 (32:25):
So I had to be like okay, and when I, when I know
this is like super serious, Ihave to make sure, like okay, I
have, you have to understand,this is not great, this is
you've crossed some sort of line.
So, like you know, Yusuf, youknow, and I'm like very, my face
is there, my tone is there, myvolume is a little bit up With a
little kunduta Maybe.
(32:46):
No, actually, no, actuallythat's not true.
If they break, if they, if it'san accident or if they do
something, I normally don't gofor kunduta.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (33:03):
Normally, kunduta is reserved for, which is a pinch
yeah, that is reserved for likethat.
Speaker 3 (33:05):
I have a very strong feeling about that.
Okay, yes, I need yourimmediate attention because I
need you to remember this.
Like, for example, yusuf andnafi were playing so we don't
have candles in my house anymorebecause they were playing
around candle and you know, they, they I don't know what they
were trying to do, but like thecandle fell and like, so we had,
like I have a big cute tablethat has like a bird on it.
So that is something I need youto understand to never, ever do
(33:28):
again so there's two situation.
Speaker 2 (33:30):
There's a situation of the computer have sharpie and
there's a candle.
There's a candle.
So how do you?
Speaker 3 (33:35):
that's a safety situation like or you left the
garage door open and he walkedout, you know, so that's a
safety situation.
Or Yusuf left the garage dooropen and he walked out, so
that's a safety thing for me.
So I need you to have anemotional remembrance to like
don't ever do that.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
And I think but that's you Okay.
So in that sense what I'mhearing right, you are afraid of
.
Something bad happened to yourkid in both ways.
Speaker 3 (34:00):
That's going to affect it to them.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
To them and the house and the situation itself.
Forget the house.
Yeah, so you are afraid ofwhat's going to happen to them
because out of danger?
Yes, that's going to happen tothem.
I think your question is yourreaction to that was I want him
to remember that they will neverdo that again?
Yes, but that for me, what Ihear that is sandwiching with
(34:25):
anxiety that you're building intheir system.
Speaker 3 (34:28):
No, I think it's very close.
Think about it.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
Because you're afraid .
Yes, and that is somethingdangerous that kids do yes, and
your reaction to that I want youto remember so you don't do it
again.
Speaker 3 (34:41):
Yes, but I'm not doing it for the sake of my
anxiety or my sake of fear.
It's more about but are youaware of it?
Yes, because, and also becauseyou guys know, maybe if you guys
listen to my season one andseason two talk conversations
about like contudas, I'm very Iused to be very, very pro, like
(35:02):
I used to be.
Speaker 1 (35:02):
Season one was like like a year ago no, not really,
that's two years ago it's notthat I'm not anymore, it's I'm
in a different space there'sgrowth, growth mindset so at
that time I feel like, oh, youknow my idea of because, also,
I'm getting to know my kids more.
Speaker 3 (35:21):
They're growing, they're having personalities.
It's not about just I learnedbetter and now I'm doing better.
It's not that.
It's like I know Yusuf respondsmore to conversation and he
responds to more of like beingeye level and having that than
me like being on top and and youknow, like having some sort of
authority over him, so I have torespect and, like it has, I
(35:43):
have to conform to what worksfor that.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
Yeah, Adjusting your yeah.
Speaker 3 (35:47):
And I'm not to, I'm, I'm, I'm not to.
When I was there, I've beenvery clear about where I was
there, like, oh, you know, don'ttouch your kids.
Like a little it's okay for me,right, that's fine.
But why are you doing that my,and then at home, for example,
with yusuf specifically?
I speak for yusuf because youknow, like he's getting really,
(36:08):
really mature and he'sunderstanding and we can have a
real conversation.
He and I make sure he knows,like if that happens to him now,
it's very it's real, like it'soh, okay, mommy, I'm so sorry,
like he gets it, you know helike so, according to research,
I'm going to be that person.
Speaker 2 (36:28):
Go ahead, please, and you guys are going to not like
it.
Yeah, according to research,this is something that I
probably had to unlearn too.
One form of the way anxiety isinducing children is one form of
discipline.
Speaker 1 (36:43):
Okay.
So then see, that's the problemI have with like reading, like
digging deep, parenting talks orwhatever, Like everybody's,
like you should do it this way,you should do it this way, and I
feel like, as a parent, it'sinducing anxiety in me because
I'm like okay.
Speaker 2 (36:59):
It's not about you, though I know, I know it's not
about me but fundamentally, ifit is about you, that's where
you go outside of your supportsystem to regulate yourself.
Speaker 1 (37:08):
Yeah, so fundamentally, I think my job as
a parent is to raise a childthat is well-rounded, raise a
child that is well-rounded, thatis able to handle situations
that are stressful, that is ableto participate in society in a
positive and fruitful way.
(37:29):
And I say that, and how I getthere?
I feel like every day is abattle and every day is like oh,
something fat, yeah, somethingdifferent, something that I have
to um, tackle.
There's, you know, alwayssomething that I'm I'm having to
unlearn to think about, to belike cause at the end of the day
, when I, when I sleep in bedand when I'm like thinking about
(37:52):
how the day went.
You know, there's certainsituations like, oh, maybe I
shouldn't have talked to herlike that, maybe I shouldn't
have, um, you know, comparedthem to like that, maybe I
shouldn't have said oh, yoursister did this or whatever.
you know what I mean, becauseand we're going back to the
aspect of you know, having yourparents come out this was like
20 years or so of you hearingthese things and and inevitably
(38:15):
it will come out where you'relike wow, I'm Apsharo, you
sounded exactly like your mothertoday, I think can we also put
a connotation to that?
Speaker 3 (38:24):
Because sometimes sounding like your mom is great
In the sense that your momputting that fear of God in you.
Like I said, I know what theresearch says, but then,
anecdotally, from the peoplethat we've been surrounded
around and the people that wegrew up to be in, most of the
time most of us grew up aroundthe same parenting styles, right
(38:45):
, and there, looking back, thereare ways and there are reasons
why you're like I'm so glad mymom did this.
That's so true.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:53):
I agree with you guys .
Speaker 2 (38:54):
Yes you guys, yeah, so like, yes.
So there's a way what I'msaying is like and I'm also
working with people who was alsoborn and raised here, like you
guys, who work really hard andtry to provide for their kids,
and those kids are the onethat's sitting in front of me
telling me how that they did not, from their point of view, that
they didn't receive a goodlevel of support yeah, and I I'm
(39:18):
not.
Speaker 3 (39:18):
I'm not discouraging that at all.
I think that's totally valid.
Like I said, I have aspects ofmy parenting that I'm like that
was over the top, that was notnecessary, that was not
necessary.
And then also sorry, I justdon't want to lose my train of
thought, go ahead.
But then, at the same time,there are moments when I'm like
I totally appreciate the factthat this person took these
(39:39):
steps to stop me.
Because now I am the way I ambecause of these decisions and
because, like, I genuinely feellike I was more afraid of my
family than they even knew, inthe sense that, like I put
boundaries up for myself incollege and in you know whatever
in high school that they didn'teven put for me, in the sense
(40:00):
because I was like I don't evenwant to get there.
I want to put, like, let's say,for example, my curfew right.
I don't think they even said,like your curfew is this time,
but I told my friends that I hada curfew of like, unless it's
weekend, 6pm and not 601.
And my friend, or, like my, myfamily, family was.
(40:22):
So I had to be home at 6 pm andmy friends, if they wanted me
there, if they liked me enoughto to want me there, they had to
have everything finished by 6pm, you know, and before 6 pm so
that I could get yeah, so thencan two things can be true at
the same time, then what are thetwo things?
Speaker 2 (40:32):
the fact that their experience of teaching you how
to guide you in the world andhow that affected you yeah, and
I always wait.
Speaker 3 (40:40):
Hold on, can you explain?
Speaker 2 (40:41):
that a little bit.
Let's say, for example, you'resaying that there is caveat to
the fact that how I was raisedis beneficial for me in some
ways.
In some ways, and the respondto that, the emotional impact
with that, yeah, yeah, butthat's what I'm saying, that's
where my like.
Speaker 3 (40:55):
So I'm taking that from that, putting, putting it
into my parenting pot and I'mlike, oh, this emotional thing
wasn't there, so I'm going toput this there so that there's
the best of both worlds.
Does that make sense?
Speaker 1 (41:07):
I also take comfort, I guess, in that you know, like
Islamically right, you havecertain responsibilities and
stuff like that the kids have onyou and you have on your
parents.
Responsibilities and stuff likethat are the kids have on you
and you know you have on yourparents, um, and so I take
comfort in the fact that I cantry to be a growth mindset
parent.
I can try, you know, not to docertain things but at the end of
(41:29):
it, when my kids are grown andyou know they have their own, uh
, personalities, they, I feellike they come to that, not, I
feel, yes, they they do come tothat on their own as well, and
and how you can help.
You do take a percentage, butthere are certain percentage of
their personality too.
(41:49):
That is just personality, okay,and you know, and there's this
um so there's innately designedpersonality from allah.
Speaker 2 (41:57):
yes, that that they have.
And then there's the thingsthat I contribute.
Speaker 1 (42:00):
Yeah, yeah.
And so, for example, I wasreading this story or I don't
know, this person was sayingthat he had two sons.
This guy and he was a smoker orhe did like some bad things, or
whatever.
One son turned out completelydifferent from his dad and they
asked him you know, why did youtake this route?
And he said because my dad wasthat way.
(42:26):
And then the other guy he wentexactly what his dad did, and so
they asked him you know, like,why did you take this route?
And he said because my dad did.
You know the guy, the fatherdid one thing, but you have two
different results as a result.
Speaker 2 (42:37):
Yeah, you know so so is that part of the mindset that
you're trying to provide foryour child.
The way that you're trying toraise is basically trying to
provide how they can navigate inthe world the best.
Speaker 1 (42:49):
I can the best way, yeah, the best way that I can,
but without putting so muchpressure on myself that I want
my child to be this, you know,or whatever, and all that stuff
yeah, and I think alsocommunication is very key.
Speaker 3 (43:04):
I feel like you know I've always I always talk about,
like my, my growing up backhome.
The one thing I reallyappreciated about my parents
when I was back home is that Itotally understood that we
didn't have money.
I also understood that, um, theywere doing the best that they
could so like if we didn't havemoney, I also understood that
they were doing the best thatthey could so like if I didn't
have like going to school withthese rich people back home and
(43:24):
I was the poor girl in thatschool, I felt like I didn't
feel bad, that I didn't have thethings that they did or the
gadgets that they did and Iwasn't picked up in a chauffeur.
You know I didn't care.
I mean, you're a kid, you knowwasn't picked up in a chauffeur.
You know I didn't care.
Not, I mean, you're a kid, youknow you notice, you pay
attention, but you understandthat like that's my parents act
of love and the money that theyhave is going to give me a
(43:47):
better future.
And they had communicated thatlike hey, hey, sarah, like hey,
bonnie, uh, we, you know we havethis much money, this, you know
, like not necessarily this much, but like you know, you, we are
spending this much for you inthe month.
Look at our neighborhood.
You know, like, where the kidsgo and look at where you go.
You know this is more importantfor us to spend the money on.
Yeah, so I totally.
(44:07):
When I went there I knew what Iwas going in with.
Of course, like I said, in thebeginning, there was that there
and now I know better and I dobetter, taking that aspect too,
when I talk, communicate with myson and he literally was
talking about we went toMarshall's and he was asking for
toys.
Right, and I don't want to gethim the toy, not necessarily
because we can afford that 15-20dollar toy, but because he had
(44:28):
enough at home.
So, but I might.
I was literally gonna come outof my mouth like mommy doesn't
have money right now.
We don't have money but then Iliterally rewinded it back and I
said you know, um, we don'tneed it right now.
When you need it, let me know.
And he was like, oh, okay,because I was like you have.
And I was pushing him and I waslike, oh, you know, you have so
(44:49):
many toys back.
We remember the back the, thewhole box of toys that you have
that and you haven't.
We don't play with them all.
So when you need more toys, letme know.
But we have toys, right, andthat's intentional parenting
that's intentional purposefuland holding yourself and
understanding okay.
So that's what I mean about likeit's great to communicate, but
then also I would say, like Iwould not have, I guess maybe,
(45:12):
um, because there's thatinferiority complex that comes
when you know that others haveand you don't right, and um and
the overcompensation theovercompensation of it.
So I feel like I don't knowexactly what I would have done
in that space, but, like in thespace my parents were.
But I really did appreciatethat communication of like this
(45:35):
is what we're doing, what we'redoing, this is what you have,
what you have, this is what youdon't have, what you don't have,
and when it comes to, like,even the punishment aspect of it
, um, even when it comes to thepunishment aspect of it,
communicating, hey, sarah, I'mnot, you know, giving you a
kunduda.
I'm not, you know, whateverbecause I don't like you or
because you're a bad girl.
It's because you did this thing.
And you know, my mom alwaysshook.
(45:58):
I would get the whippings oflife and then, after I was done
crying, my mom would come in andshe'd be like you know, we, you
know, this is, this is thethings that you did.
I really want you to do better,and you know.
So on and so forth.
Yeah, so I understood it didn'tcome from a space of hate or I
was a bad girl.
I kind of thought, saw it likeI did something not great versus
(46:20):
.
Speaker 2 (46:20):
So what I'm getting out of our today's conversation
is a couple of things right,there is level of space for
involvement, for being a parent,because you're not where you
were when you first started.
And then there is level of kindof your own design of your own
parent, that parent that youcontribute to, sometimes, the
way you parent.
And then there's level ofchange.
(46:41):
Right, there's some things thatyou believed on a couple of
years ago as far as how you wantto raise your kids and then
understanding what is parentingfrom growth mindset is involved
as balance.
Right, because the wholepurpose is like how can we
balance the way that we'reraising in a household Regulated
, safe, connected and also beingable to be assertive child in
(47:03):
the world?
And how would they be able tounderstand the emotional
regulation for themselves andthe emotional resiliency or
stress resiliency as well?
What does that look like forthem?
It's kind of talking about itwith your kids inside the house,
and so I kind of wanted to.
Speaker 1 (47:18):
I just want to say a couple things.
Yes, go ahead.
I just want to say that I dowant to touch upon that, because
we talked about how our parentsparented us and how that's kind
of affecting our parentingstyles, and I want to recognize
that that was a different timethat they parented us and right
now we are dealing with thingsthat are happening in the
(47:41):
community that maybe, you know,10 years ago, 20 years ago, was
not really as front and center,and I'm really excited for the
rest of the season because allof these things that you know to
mental health leads to problemsin the community all stem from
the home.
(48:01):
You know whether it's neglect,whether it's parents not giving
their time, you know their kids,you know their rights and in
all these things, it all startshere, so you can go into, I
guess can I add one?
Speaker 3 (48:14):
more yeah thing, I you know, just before we jump
from the parenting aspect of it,you know there's two things
that I wanted to add on to that.
One is that parenting from aspace we talked about, parenting
from a space of growth,parenting from a space of fear,
and but then also when I youknow, when we mentioned about
how, like, we have to takeinventory of our own traumas,
(48:36):
our own issues, to make surethat we are not imposing those
on our kids right and makingsure that, like we, like, if you
are a people pleaser, why areyou a people pleaser?
Why do you not have, why do youhave these porous boundaries?
How can you help your kidcreate those?
Like you can't do what you have, you, what you haven't seen
being done, and the only way youknow how to do that is by going
(48:59):
after and taking inventory ofthe all the things that you,
because like being introspective, and taking inventory of all
the things that you feel likenot necessarily are wrong with
you, but are wrong with you.
Or like, oh I, I have badboundary skills.
I have, you know, peoplepleasing tendencies.
I have whatever a, b and c andd, whatever I have anger issues.
Why is that?
What about my parent?
(49:20):
Like how I was parented, or mygrowing up, or whatever, what
brought me here?
I said at this age okay, howcan?
Now that I know this, whatcould have been done to stop
that from happening?
yeah, and making sure to do thatyeah because otherwise your
kids are going to be a carboncopy of you.
They're going to have the sametraumas that you do.
Speaker 1 (49:40):
Or you're going to pass out to them.
Speaker 3 (49:41):
Yeah, it's generational, yeah so like
people pleasers and we'll createpeople pleasers, anger people.
Speaker 2 (49:48):
You know, and so on, and so forth.
Speaker 3 (49:49):
So just making sure to take inventory of your own
issues, get solutions for thoseso that when they show up in
your kids, or when they show upwhen you interact with your kids
, you have better tools toparent.
Speaker 2 (50:02):
Yeah, absolutely, and as an, as an audience, if you
ask yourself how do I do that,what can I do that, how all that
kind of stuff comes up to youand I think that's a great
question I usually lead withgoing to see in therapy, and I
think that's also again I saidthis last season, I will say it
again suggesting that is alwaysa place of privilege and I
wanted to acknowledge that.
(50:22):
But there are podcasts, thereare videos out there.
Speaker 1 (50:25):
There are books.
Speaker 2 (50:27):
There are communities of people on TikTok that
actually talk about stuff likethis, and I also am noticing a
lot of Oromo young girls talkingabout their experiences on
TikTok too, seeing a lot ofOromo young girls talking about
their experiences on TikTok too,and it's okay to talk about the
areas that we feel that there'snot being, there's a void in it
and kind of connecting to that.
So this season we're going tohave such an amazing
conversation that is going totry to be a lot more difficult
(50:48):
and complex and it's going to bea lot of uncomfortability for
all of us because we're tryingto push ourselves outside of our
comfort zone.
So we're going to be talkingabout the things that will be
really well connected.
So I want to encourage thelisteners to reflect on what
does it mean those parentalstyles looks like for you and
what kind of mindset are yougoing into?
How do you emotionally regulateyourself when you are kind of
(51:09):
connecting to your kids and howdo you create balance and create
kids that are resilient andproud of themselves and so that
way that they'll be able to notdeal with a lot of the things
that is really hard to even talkabout.
And also, I encourage you guysto kind of think about how do I
create a safe space for my kids?
Just make sure that you alsotalk about the things that's
(51:29):
affecting you in a sense of likenot digestible but comfortable
ways that your kids are also canbe related to you and see you
as a human being, versus justthis perfect parent as you shown
to be.
Speaker 1 (51:41):
So any last thought, ladies, before we close today's
amazing conversation, definitelylooking forward to all the
different topics and, yeah,looking forward to all the
different topics and, you know,looking forward to having
difficult, more difficultconversations yeah, last thing I
would say is that make sureyour kids are anchored in either
(52:02):
in islam and their deen, or intheir culture or both I feel
like the best, the best um uhupbringings have strong anchors.
Speaker 2 (52:10):
That are bigger than their parents and bigger than
their own personality.
Speaker 3 (52:13):
and those are those two things having Making sure
your kids are dipped in theirdeen and dipped in their culture
.
Speaker 1 (52:19):
And that's kind of like guardrails too, for you,
which?
Speaker 2 (52:21):
helps.
So thank you so much forlistening.
We'll see you on the nextepisode.
Speaker 3 (52:27):
This has been.
Speaker 2 (52:28):
Difficult Conversations.
Speaker 1 (52:30):
Join the conversation in the comment section or on
our Instagram page to share withus what you think.
We do not have all the answersand our biggest goal is to kick
off and get the conversationgoing.
May Allah accept our effortsand use us as catalysts for
change.
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