February 10, 2025 • 61 mins
This episode explores the emotional complexities of parenting, highlighting anxiety, the impact of mental health, and the importance of open communication. We emphasize healthy coping strategies and the necessity of fostering emotional safety for children while navigating challenges within familial relationships.
• Discussing anxiety and fears in parenting
• The importance of self-reflection and mental health
• Strategies for emotional regulation during crises
• Creating open communication channels with children
• Addressing intergenerational parenting styles and their impacts
• Valuing process over outcomes in child-rearing
• Self-compassion and understanding as a parent
• The necessity of setting boundaries for children and parents
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Assalamualaikum welcome to Difficult
Conversations where we tackletaboo topics in a safe space
through empowerment andeducation.
Speaker 3 (00:15):
Hello everybody, you know, actually I wanted to tell
you, to ask you guys, a fewquestions about something that
happened to me this yesterday.
About something that happenedto me yesterday I took my
daughter to the emergency roombecause she had a high fever and
hives and all of these things,and then I was thinking about a
statement.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
So what did they say in the air?
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Oh, they just said that she was negative for COVID,
negative for RSV, negative forinfluenza.
But they said there's somethinggoing on with kids, like
something going around like somesort of virus or whatever, and
she must have just got caught it.
Um, so they just told us tolike we paid how many, how much
money to be told to takeibuprofen.
(00:56):
And I'm telling you no, but itmakes me feel like okay, at
least you, least you know she'sokay.
Because it was really, reallyfreaky.
And I remembered a statement afriend of mine actually told me
way before I think I waspregnant at the time with my
(01:16):
first son, and she said being aparent is the only mental
illness everyone voluntarilysigns up for.
Mental illness everyonevoluntarily signs up for because
, like you will like lose sanityover like the smallest things.
You will never gain the samelevel of, um, certainty.
(01:38):
You are always worried, anxious, you know attachment, you know
all of those things.
Like you have to figure out howto have a healthy attachment
with your kids, not to be eithersuper attached to a point where
they're, you know, dependent onyou all the time, and so on and
so forth.
And I thought it was like thatis.
That is a very dark way oflooking at parenting, but it's
(01:59):
true, like that's the only kindof parenting that people you
know.
Just it's, just yeah, because,like, if I yeah.
Speaker 4 (02:10):
I wonder how are you feeling about the fact that
that's what you had to deal withlast night?
Yeah.
And this morning coming to theshow and like recording and that
state of mind and like how areyou doing?
Speaker 3 (02:21):
Well, I'm okay.
I mean, it's great that we'retalking about mental health
today, because I have a lot ofmaterial for it, but I think the
fact that I'm, like I said, Ihave a very dark perspective on
things like my brain, goes toworst case scenarios.
(02:41):
So, especially when my kids aresick, that's when my I can't
seem to have control over, likemy dark thoughts, um, so I'm.
It's really really toxic andit's really debilitating
sometimes because, like with,with, I told you guys, like well
, not told you guys knew aboutthis.
When my son had his febrileseizure at at the osborne soccer
(03:04):
game while I was there, and noweverything was happening, my
brain was already processing hisfuneral.
I was like, wow, okay, this ishappening.
He's like, literally, you know,we're just like it's weird,
like I astral project in a way,and that happens.
So, um, and I'm, I'm just like,okay, this is happening, he's,
(03:26):
he's okay.
I have to figure it out, likein this, you know, and it's just
so weird, and I, my brainstarts.
Speaker 4 (03:33):
It's like a montage of spaces where, um, do you kind
of go blank, or do you?
Speaker 3 (03:40):
kind of oh, I wish blank was great, like say, like
no, I literally will have it.
You know how people say my lifeflashed before my eyes,
everyone that I love when theyare in trouble.
Their life flashes before myeyes and I start seeing
everything that I love aboutthem, everything that I'm going
(04:02):
to miss about them.
All of these things startplaying and that is like in a
minute, in a spark of like asecond.
A second it's.
It's very, very like and so it'slike I am, and and it's crazy
is that I'm also while I'msaying this, it doesn't sound
real, but I'm really really goodin crisis like I am the one
(04:24):
that's like if something happens, like what, I'm the one that's
like jumping in, doing things,except I think the only time I
ever froze when was because ofyou.
I don't know why, but at thehouse oh yeah, to this day, my
trauma with that.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
I can't eat alone.
Speaker 4 (04:43):
I swallow so slowly.
Speaker 3 (04:44):
Yes, like I, literally I just jump in and I'm
very calculated.
I'm like move dude.
Yeah, why did you froze thatday?
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (04:58):
I was holding her daughter the baby that she's
talking about and we were justkind of hanging out and then I
was really hungry and so I tooka bite of Sambusa and Sambusa
like the tail one of the part ofit it got stuck in my throat
and for the first time in mylife I was choking on food.
Like it literally happened likea movie.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
Were you talking at the same time?
No, she was by herself.
Speaker 4 (05:25):
It was me, and the baby was sitting in the couch in
the couch area, the living roomarea okay and then, like I
couldn't, I was weaseling, yeah,kind of like that, because
there's no air, yeah it feltlike I don't, I swear I was
gonna die too.
I literally, I literally wentinto it like somebody hold the
baby.
Yeah, as long as I don't dropthe baby, I'm okay, everything
is okay.
Right like, it's not about me,it's about the baby.
(05:46):
Well, like when?
Speaker 3 (05:46):
she says I just want to save this.
She literally it was crazy.
She was like here, hold thebaby.
And I mean she didn't say it,but she was just, and I didn't
understand Because, like I couldsee, I thought it was just like
she like like misbreath, likelike mis-breath, I don't know
whatever it's called when youknow when you breathe in, it
takes a second, yeah, yeah.
So she handed me the baby and Itook the baby and I was just
(06:08):
going to go about my day andshe's like, yeah.
Speaker 4 (06:12):
And then I came to you and then didn't, and I gave
you the baby.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
The thing is I don't remember was that you were, I
went.
Speaker 4 (06:21):
African style my CPR training went on oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
I think my arsonist takes over.
Speaker 4 (06:32):
No, but yeah that feeling is still kind of like
tightness in my gut and it'slike it twists a little bit, but
it's also like every time Ichew.
Right now at our home somebodysaid this on TikTok.
She said that you know, thescariest thing about living by
yourself is that you can chokeon food and nobody will find out
(06:52):
.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
And then I was like okay great You're like another
fear unlocked Exactly.
Speaker 4 (07:02):
I wouldn't mind, but talking about it, it's like
we're talking about being frozenin a state of mind with kids,
like what Bonnie was saying,like she's a mother and I wasn't
, but the first thought is like,please take care of the baby.
Yeah, right, and that was it.
Speaker 3 (07:16):
And I felt, of course the hero jumped in to save your
boat and she was like did that?
Speaker 1 (07:22):
have a maneuver, yeah .
But the thing is, though, Ithink for me, like because of
like my background, respiratoryand stuff like that, like
whenever I'm in public, I'malways I go through scenarios in
my head.
I'm like, okay, if somebody, ifI have to do CPR, what's the
first thing I have to do?
So then I go through that like,um, the CPR training.
It's like, oh, step one, steptwo, so that's how, like my
(07:43):
brain works.
Yeah, I'm always like, okay, ifthis happens if you're out and
about, if you're on the plane,what would you do first?
Speaker 3 (07:49):
yeah, you know I that's one of the reasons
actually I didn't want to gointo medical field, because you
know, like if you're a nurse orrt or if you're a doctor and
something, and you have to dosomething you have to do
something legally otherwiseyou'll be held liable, right if
I, if I'm not mistaken,something like that.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
I'm not exactly sure, but as a human like you'd want
to do something, but I knowmyself Like my brain is weird.
Speaker 3 (08:10):
I know I'm saying a bunch of oxymoronic stuff, but I
do tend to respond to stuff,but then when it's
life-threatening things, I guessI don't do as well as I thought
life-threatening things.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
It's I, I guess I don't do very as well as I
thought.
So then, as a parent, I want toask you like okay, so now you
know your child has, um, he hadthat seizure and stuff like that
.
How do you think it?
It will affect your child inthe long run if you know you
have your, your type of parentwho's like, oh my god, you God,
you know like and stuff likethat.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
Well, that's the thing is that as parents, we
have to always be aware of ourresponses.
Not just responses, but ourtriggers, our emotional
capabilities and so on and soforth.
So my thing is that I startedgoing to therapy right before
while I was pregnant because Iknew A.
I'm going to parent frompregnant because I knew a.
(09:04):
I'm going to parent from aspace of fear.
I'm going to parent from aspace of trauma.
I'm going to parent from aspace of um, I guess my fear was
that either my kids were goingto turn out to be brats and I've
said this a long time becauseI'm like just giving them
everything out of love or I'msheltering them so much that
they're going they're not goinggoing to be really exposed to
(09:26):
like life and life's obstaclesand hardships and you know all
of those things.
So the only way that I can fixthat is before it gets there.
I have to work on why.
You know the reasons to myresponse to my kids.
So parents have to make surethey have to understand.
Why do I feel this anxiousnessaround my kids?
Why do I feel the need tocontrol their?
They have to understand.
Why do I feel this anxiousnessaround my kids.
(09:46):
Why do I feel the need tocontrol their world, or to
control their you know, the needfor a rational level of safety
and figuring that out, makingsure they have a really good
coping mechanism for thosethings, and then obviously it
will show up.
And then and then obviously itwill show up.
(10:07):
Like I said, I have been intherapy for five years now and
I'm still you know, it's stillshowing up for me, right?
So what I do is that I justmake sure I step back.
Okay, I am experiencing thesethings and hopefully, of course,
I am having these conversationswith my kids.
Hey, it's not you.
It's not that you are doinganything wrong or you are an
unsafe child, or whatever thecase is.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
It's just that I have anxious attachment right now
with you, you know I think likeI think for me, I'm that parent
that just lets them figure itout, like, whatever the
situation is say, my son falls,hits his head.
My daughter, you know, isjumping off or doing all these
things.
I'm always the one that's likeyou know is jumping off or doing
all these things.
I'm always the one that's likeyou know what, you fell down.
(10:47):
Then I wait until they come tome and ask me for help, you know
, until my kids know that if itreally hurt, they'll be like
mommy, you know this reallyreally hurt, you know and I do,
you know, offer comfort andstuff like that.
So but I think a good balancebetween you know running to them
when they need help and alsojust letting them figure it out
allows them to build thatresilience and work through
(11:10):
their problems.
Speaker 4 (11:11):
Yeah, I mean, are you guys?
So my question is that whatdoes healthy parenting looks
like for you guys in that sense,mental health kind of in your
radar, when you are raising them, when you are interacting with
them, when you are experiencingyour own internal agitation,
(11:31):
frustration, do you think about,like, how do I navigate?
And if I do kind of like, let'ssay, for example, lash out or
say something to my kids, do Igo back, talk to them about,
saying you know, know, I'm sorry, I wasn't supposed to do that
and I did it because of x, y andz reason, but mommy or daddy
would be mindful of it next time.
Like what would that look like?
Speaker 1 (11:52):
as far as, like, healthy parenting looks like
when raising your kids, that whois emotionally like aware of
their feelings, that I'm not thecausation of mommy's reaction
towards me, I think for me, um,you know it takes because, okay,
for example, this morning, Iwas really really frustrated
because, you know, my kids wereupstairs, they were trying to
(12:14):
brush their teeth and all thatstuff, and so they kept calling
me and they're like mommy canhelp me, come do this, but I was
already downstairs, you know,preparing breakfast and stuff
like that.
So I kept like, and thenfinally I did go upstairs and I,
you know, preparing breakfast,um, and stuff like that.
So I kept like, and, and thenfinally I did go upstairs and I,
you know, I was like, and itshowed on my face that I was
really irritated by the wholesituation, um, and my kids are
(12:34):
kind of, I would say, moreattached to me, and so they're
like no, I don't want, you know,I don't want daddy to do it, I
want you to do it, or whatever,um, and so, and then my other
daughter she had madrasa thismorning and she just did not
want to go to the madrasa.
Because I was like, you know,you have to go, your younger
sister doesn't, you know, she'snot going to madrasa today.
And so she threw a big fit andI just kind of like, held her
(12:57):
and I was like you know what youare going, you know, and gave
her the eyes and she just spedoff and went to her room.
So then later on, you know,driving to Madrasa, I was like
you know.
So then I explained it to her.
Why that?
You know, because her sister,she's not learning anything
right now.
You know, she's four and you'reseven, six, almost going to
(13:19):
seven, so it's a requirement forher and not for you.
So us talking about it, thenfinally she's like you know what
, I'm glad she's not here.
I was like why she's like youknow, because every time we're
in madrasa she's always like youknow, pulling my hair and or
taking my hijab or whatever.
Um, and so she, she understoodwhy she had to go and her
(13:41):
younger sister didn't have to goand she actually liked that in
the end.
So you know, I would say, justtalking through it with your
kids, you know, and it's not,we're not perfect, you know,
we're human beings, we're all.
We're dealing with our ownissues and, at the same time,
trying to raise kids that areresilient and able to withstand
you know stressful situations.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Yeah, I think I guess .
Let me ask you a few questionsIn addition.
So what would you be?
What would you say like ineveryday, in your everyday
interaction with your kids, likewhen you're thinking of like,
okay, I want to make sure that Iam raising emotionally stable,
emotionally intelligent some,you know, kids that are able to
(14:26):
regulate their emotions well,how would you, how, what are the
everyday activities that you do, everyday interactions that you
do like to make sure that theyare able to navigate those,
those spaces, even, you know, intheir highly emotional state?
Speaker 1 (14:40):
so one thing i've've been reading this book that I
keep talking about how to Raise,the Danish Way of Raising
Parents or Kids or whatever andone thing that I found
fascinating in that book is howto use play as a way for kids to
regulate their emotions, and soevery day I've tried to make it
(15:04):
a habit to turn off the TV andjust let them play Like, because
when they play they get intoespecially when they have
siblings they get into fights,they get into disagreements and
stuff like that.
And it says how, like you know,when you play you activate the
same neurochemicals as stress,and so when the kids are exposed
to that, they are able to findways to regulate it instead of
(15:28):
avoid it.
Yeah, and so over time, whenthey grow up, they're able to
regulate their stress bythemselves in times of stress.
So, that's.
That's helped us out a lot, anddays that I am doing something
and I want them that I allowthem to watch a little bit more
TV.
I can sense it in theirbehavior, you know, and how
(15:50):
they're kind of a little bitmore irritable or not.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
So like they don't.
When you see what you preach,yeah, it's so beautiful, because
I see.
So Sami loves hair Like she'sturning one in like three days
and she loves hair.
She doesn't have any hair rightnow and she just so she grabs
Nafi's hair and she like lovesyanking on it.
(16:23):
So she sees how I respond, nafisees how I respond when Sami
pulls my hair and she really hasa grip, that girl, and she's
like so I'm like Sami, please.
You know this hurts mommy, andI'm just I'm doing like
demonstrative modeling, right?
So I'm like Sami, this hurtsmommy's hair, please don't.
(16:46):
And I'm just walking, like youknow, undoing her fingers for my
hair.
So to this morning, actually,sami had grabbed nafi's like
ponytail and she had like andher curls and like all hair and
through all.
So she's like sami, pleasedon't do this.
I'm your sister, this.
This hurts me.
This hurts my hair and she'slike pulling it like this and
(17:11):
then Yusuf came and he said Sami, don't do this to our sister.
And then it was like oh my god,it's working and it's I don't
think.
I always say, like you know,obviously we don't make our
little sister cry, we don't,sami's just a baby.
But I don't remember exactlyhaving that conversation of like
, talk to her like this or don'tyou know, but like they just
see me do whenever she does itto me, and I was like that's how
(17:33):
, like that's how kids learn.
It's just that demonstration ofthey do what you do, not
necessarily always what you sayto do.
Speaker 4 (17:41):
Modeling does help.
So I'm basically hearing thatyou having a different
perspective of parenting andthen also emphasizing the
openness and emotionallysupporting your kids is the way
to kind of create thatenvironment for them.
Also, like if you're just likeadult, have emotional
dysregulations moment, which islike agitation and frustration
and irritability, and and somedays like you're in a rush and
(18:03):
you have schedules and places togo and your kid is giving you
that morning right Like in thatmoment, what does it look like
to support them and regulatethem in that space?
Speaker 3 (18:17):
That actually happens a lot in my house with Yusuf
and my husband and what we tryto do.
One that happens a lot whenthey're when their routine
changes.
Um, you see, yusuf is veryroutine oriented, so he likes to
do his, you know, wake up,brush his teeth first and then
fix his bed and then get hisclothes done, and so if you say,
(18:39):
hey, I'm gonna do your bed andyou can go, you know, because
we're late, like he is, he has ahard time with that, right.
So what we do is that, okay,explaining, I think, walking
them through.
Hey, this, and it's hard, likesometimes you do it with a very
like do you explain?
Speaker 4 (18:57):
in the midst of it, or do you kind of allow both?
It depends, okay.
Does explaining work in thosemoments when they're
dysregulated?
Speaker 3 (19:04):
Well, for me, it depends on how dysregulated they
are.
Right, like, let's say, forexample, he's like mommy, I want
to do it.
Okay, yusuf and Jeylan had comeup with I don't know where he
learned it or this thing calledblow the candle, which means he
puts his finger in front ofYusuf and he's like, just and
(19:26):
like, and that helps him likebreathe.
And so he's like okay, blow thecandle.
Okay, now are you ready tolisten to me?
He's like, okay, yeah, in theirdays he says yes, in their days
, he says no.
If he says no, we have to gothrough the routine, and I mean
meaning like, what we have to do, what needs to be done, and
then, when we have the time,we'll go and like talk about it.
And, um, one thing that's Ireally am enjoying right now is
language, uh, which is havingthe language to express.
(19:50):
So, like, useful, say something.
Like, mommy, you're notlistening to me.
I need this to happen.
And I'm like yusuf, I amlistening to you.
Is this what you said?
Yes, okay, but I need you tounderstand we don't have time
right now, do you?
You want to be late to school?
If you're late to school,you'll miss on A, b and C.
So, like that, the feeling ofhim saying I'm not listening to
you.
(20:10):
So what's irritating him isthat he feels like I'm not
hearing him.
I'm not taking that time.
So I repeat what he said, so hehas the understanding that I
actually did hear you.
I know what you said, but whatneeds to happen is this, and of
course he's five, he's not goingto always, you know, be on it.
We go past it and then whenwe're in the car on our way, we
(20:31):
will, you know.
Speaker 4 (20:32):
Basically just go through it.
What if you?
Speaker 1 (20:34):
both are dysregulated .
Yeah, I think for me thathappens more than like you both
are.
Yeah, it's up there.
I think for me, like I pushright, Sometimes when I'm really
dysregulated, I'll push backand I'll be like no, this is my
way and this is what we're goingto do.
So I find myself doing that alot more, and I think a good day
(20:58):
for me is like when we don'thave those outbursts.
Okay, you know, when, like,we're both able to this is what
I want and they get it done onon their own.
And for me explaining it doesnot work at all, because,
especially my oldest, she haslearned to push back a little
bit too, and I don't know ifit's like because I'm more
(21:22):
focused on the younger one now,or like I'm more.
I feel like I'm more softerwith my son and my daughter,
because with Fatou it's her way.
Or the highway Middle child,yeah, like, if she wants
something and she's quick to cry, you know, she'll be like even
little things.
She'll be like mommy, she tookmy pen, then she'll start crying
(21:44):
, right.
And so I've done this bad habitwhere I just want her to stop
crying, and so I'll be likefatia.
Can you please just give it toher.
Let's just get over thissituation.
Speaker 4 (21:55):
Give it to her.
Oh, so there's a rationale foryou to kind of just like get rid
of the discomfort that'shappening.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
And with the language thing.
Lately, like you know, I'malways shuffling them around and
like we have activities andlike we're getting late for
school and and stuff like that.
And so I started saying youguys, we're late, let's go, you
know.
So then my youngest he'll belike Mommy, are we late?
So then, like the other day Iwas thinking about it, I was
like you know what, like I'm,we're not late, like why am I
using this language with thesekids?
And because now they're,they're thinking like mommy's
(22:33):
always rushing, like she'salways rushing us out the door
and and stuff like that.
So that's something I have towork on.
Speaker 3 (22:41):
I think one we have to be a little bit more gracious
to ourselves, because sometimeswe most of the time we are
rushing, and that understandingof like hey, we have to rush
through this because we arerushing.
I think we also have to givepeople like our kids the benefit
of the doubt and the ability tobe able to understand later on.
(23:03):
Right, hey, in the biggerpicture, mommy's not always
rushing, you know, I really am,though.
Speaker 4 (23:10):
Well, well, see the thing, is that?
Okay, finish your thought,because I have something to say
okay um, yeah, mommy's notalways rushing and she she has.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
we do spend a lot of quality time together.
She does like she is calm andlike hanging out with me most of
the time when it's a free timeand when it's not morning time
or evening time, when we'reeither going somewhere or coming
back from somewhere.
One thing I was going to saywas that we have this thing
called the wall in our housewhen it comes to language.
So I do this countdowns.
(23:42):
So like I try to negotiate, Itry to like I'm like, hey, let's
do this, do that.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
And then I say Yusuf the wall's going to come down.
Speaker 3 (23:54):
So if the negotiation is not working, I'll say the
wall's going to come down.
Sometimes I don't even have tosay the wall's going to come
down, I just start counting Five, four, three.
I do it obviously very slowlyand they know that if the wall
comes down by zero there's nomore negotiations Mommy's way or
the highway.
So you have time until the wallcomes down to be able to go
(24:15):
something that's 50-50, 60-40,30, you know.
But the wall comes down, nonegotiation.
We're going to do it the hardway and I think that also helps.
But then again, when it comesto the mommy guilt of like oh
you know, I don't want them tofeel some type of way.
I always feel like I don't wantthem to think that I'm always
(24:37):
super strict, like I'm alwaysjust being like, oh you know,
because it sucks too when youhave neighbors that seem to feel
, that seem to do whatever theywant to do.
Right.
Or like people in your life thatseem to do whatever they want
to do, so like they're like oh,but so and so is.
We have our neighbors that arelike, literally in front of us
and our our sleep time is like 730 now, and they're out until 9
(25:01):
10, like just driving aroundnow it's cold, but like they,
you know, like they havemotorcycles and they're like you
know, and cars or whatever, andI have to, and they're
literally in front of Yusuf'swindow and he sees them, he like
, weighs in his bedroom and heopens the shutter like
this and he's like watching.
And I have to be like yusuf.
That is their house, theirrules.
(25:21):
You know in that house that'swhat they do, but in this house
and I have to explain that tooand it's just like it doesn't
help and I have guilt.
I feel guilty like and now Iknow I'm going on a tangent, but
sam nafi starts what start.
She watched cinderella.
So whenever I am tough, shestarts calling me the stepmother
, mommy's being a stepmother.
(25:44):
It hurts so bad and I hate it.
She's like Mommy's being astepmother, it's like Cinderella
.
Speaker 4 (25:53):
So then, what does that mean when it comes to like?
There are some things that wehave been raised around
ourselves and based on ourparents' strategies and how they
raised us, and I think in ourprevious episode, we talked
about how, in our remote culture, there's survival mechanism of
like raising kids versusactually implementing this
mental health strategies andmaking sure that we're raising
(26:15):
emotionally regulated kids andmaking sure that we're raising
emotionally regulated kids.
What are some things that haveyou learned from your parents
that you feel like you don'twant to continue portraying that
in your household?
Speaker 1 (26:25):
I think for me is the , I think, avoidance of emotion
and just like the fact that youdidn't know, like if, my if,
like I feel like our parentstried to shield us in a lot of
ways about, like the hard timesthey were having, the emotions
(26:45):
that they were going through andtheir relationships, whether it
was good or bad.
So for me, I think I am tryingto make it a point to talk to my
kids about, like when I am mad,when I am sad, and they can see
it on my face that I'm upset.
So authenticity is somethingthat I think I'm working on and
(27:07):
making sure that, like, whateverconversation you have with them
, it's authentic and like, okay,me and Bob are because, like my
daughter, when me and her dadwere, like we'll talk back, you
know we're like talking back toeach other and she'll come in
between and she'll be like, stoparguing, you know, and so you
know it's like it's not alwaysgoing to be rainbows.
(27:28):
You know there will be timeswhere you disagree with your
husband or you know, and youwant them to see that in a
holistic way.
Speaker 4 (27:37):
So does that mean that you didn't get to see it
with your parents and now you'retrying to avoid that for your
own kids?
Yeah, okay.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Yeah, because I feel like I grew up avoiding emotion
and I'm very uncomfortable thisa lot of time.
But my middle one, she's fullof all the emotions, and I think
(28:05):
my older one too.
She's starting to expressherself in a lot of different
ways.
Um and so when they, when Ihave, I always have to stop
myself and say, you know, letthem express it, instead of
saying Fatou, stop crying.
Or like Fatou, you know, likethat was, why did you do that?
You know what I mean.
So just letting them go throughall of that and then talking to
(28:30):
them about it yeah, it's easiersaid than done Definitely,
definitely.
Speaker 3 (28:36):
I grew up in a house that was a little bit different
than yours in the sense that myparents fought in front of me.
They made up in front of me.
I saw that very much, so it wasvery much okay for me that even
in my friendships I was so okaywith fighting.
We can argue, we can fight.
I knew that was in the end,like as long as, of course, like
I love the way they fought,like they argued, but it wasn't
(29:01):
insults it wasn't like you knowanything.
It was like everybody had, likethey were passionate about
whatever they were talking aboutand but no, it wasn't.
I never like heard any insults,any you know like any degrading
or whatever, whatever.
And I also didn't see and Idon't know if this helps, but I
didn't see like you know how,like in this country, they say,
(29:25):
uh, like the husband, like thewife is always right and the
husband like just says okay andwhatever, like that.
I didn't see like I, my dadfought, like he was, he's a very
shy dude.
He didn't like people wouldn'tbelieve like he was a warrior at
home, but like he literally was, just like this is what I
believe, this is what it is.
(29:46):
And then she'd be like this iswhat I believe, this is because
of a and b and c and d and youknow 0.1, 0.2, 0.3 and like and
whoever had the most I, I guessright point won, not because
she's his wife and he wants tocater to her, not because
whatever, not because he's thehusband, but whoever was the
(30:06):
most right one.
So that let me have like that,even in our house now, like when
I see on social media sometimesI always tell Jaylen, I'm like
dude, can you just let me beright.
Like the wife is always right,but it's not like that in our
house either.
One thing I don't want to do,that my parents did and actually
(30:27):
me and Javi were talking aboutthis yesterday in the parking
lot is the idea of puttingemphasis on like on certain
things too much to a point thatyour kids feel like their worth
comes from that.
So in my house it was a lotabout education and, like my mom
, whenever I brought like goodgrades home, it was like she was
(30:49):
super ecstatic, like my familywas super ecstatic all of them
like from my grandfather andthat was the same thing that's.
I've heard stories about mygrandpa doing the same thing to
my mom.
Like you know, they had likenine kids and the most favorite
one that week was the kid thathad the best grade.
You know what I mean?
Like they would get thepresents and whatever, whatever.
(31:10):
So that's kind of how my momraised me, is.
She emphasized grades,emphasized the importance of
academia, our academicexcellence.
So I still struggle with thefact that if I'm not in school,
I don't really have a reallygood gauge of progress, your
(31:36):
sense of worth related toacademic success.
Academic success, yeah, yeah.
So it's not necessarilymonetary success, which is funny
, but academic success.
So I'm always in school, I'malways like in, you know and
some, and also I'm very much incompetition of myself with
myself.
So, like, if I feel like, whichalso feeds to that point of
(31:57):
like I'm always not feeling likeI'm I'm reaching my you know,
doing what my best, whatever, soI there's not like an actual
measurement for that?
yeah, because you're constantlyclimbing, exactly, yeah, exactly
so, um, that I don't want to doand I kind of practice that
even now.
My son is very studious in thesense that he is always doing
(32:19):
homework.
He, his teacher, has to hideher homework sheets.
I always keep saying this likeshe's, when she has to hide her
homework sheets that she printsout for the next day, um, or her
classroom sheets, whatever.
Because he take, he's like canI please take this home and do
homework?
Or he starts doing it whilethey're supposed to be playing.
He's very into that and I'mlike oh, that's great.
(32:40):
But then I always make sure togive the same amount of emphasis
to when he's doing chores orwhen he's like just being kind
to his.
You know like, so he knows youhave to like.
Your worth is not just becauseof your excellence or your
whatever.
It's spread out.
I guess I want to ask us alittle bit more about.
Speaker 4 (32:59):
I have something to say about that.
Um, you so what you weresharing examples of like your
generation, like how your mom'sfather did similar performance.
Academic performance was likepart of the family and it passed
into your aunt and uncles, andlike everybody's academic
performance like the highlightof what that recognition is.
Yeah, sometimes you don't haveto do those things to your kids.
(33:23):
It's automatically within yourblood, and I know this one.
You guys hate this, like when Isay this the generational yes,
Well, why you hate this?
but the fact is the fact, youwork really hard to try to
create a better, safeenvironment for your kids and
somehow one of your kids becomevery anxious, like academically
worries and always apprehensionabout everything.
(33:43):
It's not you doing those things, it's been happening to your
mother and it's happening toyour grandfather was doing that.
It's because it's already inthe blood and you're like but I
didn't do those things to mykids.
I worked really hard to makesure that I create safe space
and make sure that they're safe.
I did that and then you findout that, like, one of your kids
(34:03):
has significant anxiety and oneof the things that I always
want to say to parents is thatdon't go into blaming.
You are the causation of one ofthese experiences and like.
So that is something that youhave to be aware of.
I want to give a little bit ofexample when it comes to
generational stuff.
There was a client who came andtalked about how that she said
(34:25):
that I always receive coldsafter I wash my hair and I know
she gets cold cold, cold coldlike fevers OK like
she's like everybody in myhousehold is fine, right, and I
was like she's like in myhousehold is fine, right, and I
was like she's like my mom isfine, and I nobody talked about
it.
And then she later found outthat her great-grandmother, when
(34:49):
she washed her hair, she alwaysgets similar cold, like getting
fever especially what timeafter she was.
No, no, it's like it's a feverI don't know like you can't ask
client of those things, right?
so what I'm trying, my point, isthat generationally things
happen and you know your motherdoesn't have it, you know your
sister doesn't have it.
You try to investigate in everyaspect of like where is this
(35:11):
coming from?
Why is this happening like this?
It's not you.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
So yeah, I think you know, I think with praise what
helps is like in a room Correctme if I'm wrong with this in
your.
I think what helps is if youpraise the process and not
necessarily like the result.
You know, and I think with mykids I'm always like like when
Dia does homework and stuff andshe gets something wrong, we go
(35:39):
like OK, yeah, you did this partright and you know, kind of
spelling out that it's thisthing that you're doing, that's
right, not necessarily attachingit to them as a person, like
calling them smart and this andthat I wouldn't call kids smart,
because the smartness waseventually attached again with
their sense of self-worth it'skind of saying, wow, look at you
(36:01):
, you work really hard and youfigure that out on your own.
Speaker 4 (36:03):
Yeah, that process must be really difficult.
Look at you what you could do.
Right.
It's kind of like giving themthe strength like, oh, if I can
do those difficult thing, I cando anything else.
Does that make not just limitedto this exactly?
So the process is the bestaspect to encourage them, the
validation that they deserve andthe validation like I am so
(36:23):
proud of you.
Validation is also like theownership goes back to the
person who's proud.
Speaker 1 (36:29):
Not that they are proud of themselves.
Like taking ownership of yourown emotions.
Speaker 4 (36:34):
Yes.
So when the kid says, oh, mymom is proud of me, so what else
can I do to get that proud?
Right?
What else can I do?
So then the external validationincreases more, right?
How can I get more validationthat feels safe for me?
So if you said, are you proudof yourself for doing this?
And then if the kid says, yes,I am so, then that means that
(36:56):
it's internal mapping, internalregulations.
Speaker 1 (36:59):
Oh that, if the kid says, yes, I am so, then that
means that it's internal mappinginternal regulations, oh that
whole external internal locus ofcontrol aspect of it exactly so
like how do we manage?
Speaker 3 (37:05):
that is by trying to, like you said, process is what
we want acknowledge the the how,the difficulty, how they
overcame those things, not thefact that they are those
specific quality to describethem, if that makes sense I not
a pushback, but I guess anaddition or maybe a pushback,
just because I um kind of havebeen reading a lot of books,
(37:29):
like I'm sure I was saying about, and one of the things that I
was learning and I kind ofpractice in my house is the
spreading of praise, like acrossall fields.
But I think when it comes tolanguage, that's what I want to.
Maybe that pushback part comesin is that you know how you guys
said don't say you're smart,and I think you don't want, like
(37:53):
being smart or being beautifulor being, you know, mommy's
proud of you and daddy's proudof you, we're always proud of
you.
You don't want that to comefrom an outside source first.
So not putting an extraemphasis on or an extra
importance on the fact thatthey're smart and spreading that
everywhere, like you know, likeyour attention or your praise,
(38:15):
not being on that word alonetakes the pressure off of them
only identifying with that wordas their self-worth.
But the hearing that word comefrom you, someone that they
trust, and you acknowledging thefact that they are smart
actually helps them in the longrun and because they feel like,
(38:39):
um, they, they.
Next time someone says you know,and that goes a lot with beauty
when it comes to girls too um,is that when next time someone
says, even at work or at school,someone tells, oh, you're smart
, they're not gonna say, oh, youthink so it's more of I know
yeah, and they feel it, butthat's the thing right, so like
if the children receive thelevel of safety and as already
(38:59):
at home, they don't need to seekout a side.
Yeah, absolutely Exactly.
Speaker 4 (39:03):
So it's like what the conversation related to
overpraising is something thatyou also talk about is that the
ownership of their validation.
It should come from themselves.
Does that make sense Internally, even though the first
messaging should be coming fromthe home.
They should recognize thosethings eventually on their own,
and I think like when it comesto beauty.
Speaker 1 (39:26):
So my middle daughter has like longer hair, right
Longer, and it's a little softerthan my oldest, and so a lot of
the times my oldest will belike you know, fatou's hair is
so much prettier, you know.
And so in my middle one, shereally doesn't care.
You know, fatou's hair is somuch prettier, you know.
And so in my middle one, shereally doesn't care, you know,
she's not, she, she, I don'tthink she's not even aware,
she's not even aware of that.
And so what I've started to dois to say, you know, compliment
(39:49):
Dia on her hair and be like, wow, you know, I wish my hair was
like yours, and you know, andkind of get her into because
she's here, right, she, shedoesn't believe that her hair is
beautiful, um, and she's kindof and I can see it too when I'm
washing their hair and stuffshe's kind of looking at her
sisters and like, oh, wow, youknow.
And so I think building thatfirst um step of saying your
(40:10):
hair is beautiful too, um, isreally, really important,
because then, then, because nowshe'll start to do her hair and
you know, she's into that wholelike makeup and you know, and
stuff like that, yeah, and alsolike for.
Speaker 3 (40:21):
So in in in our household when, like before they
go to sleep, they have thismantra that they go around I am
beautiful, I am kind, I am nice,I am worthy, I am smart.
And that's why I always say youknow and um they, they, and
then mom and mommy's so proud ofme and I am proud of me and
daddy is so proud of me and I amloved and like literally.
(40:42):
That's like they say that andthen they make their dua and
then they go to sleep so likeright, instead of like reading
books.
That is beautiful.
So we do that like literallyevery day.
So the reason why I try toimplement that a lot is because
you say it enough.
You believe it a lot is becauseyou say it enough if you believe
it, and you know your thoughtscreate your, you know your sorry
, your words create yourthoughts, your thoughts create
(41:02):
your emotions, and so on and soforth.
So I just want to build that oflike yes, being smart is not
the only factor, um, the onlyidentifying factor, the only
thing that's worthy.
But your beauty is not the onlything that's worthy, and the
thing is too.
You speak it into existence yeah, absolutely I see this a lot in
my household, where I I, whenthey do something unkind or
(41:26):
linked to each other, they'rebeing and I say, wow, you know
what I love about my kids?
They're just so kind to eachother and then they love each
other.
So much you're building and yousee it like they start playing.
Speaker 1 (41:36):
They start playing together, better they start
playing together better Versusme being like.
Which I do that too sometimeswhen it gets a little irritating
.
Speaker 3 (41:43):
You know, and that time they're more.
They are more scared of likemommy, coming in to disrupt or
to fix Versus.
When I'm like doing this praiseof like oh, you're so kind to
each other, that makes me sohappy for you, then they are
like, oh, okay, let's play intothis thing that mommy has spoken
(42:04):
into.
How would you guys say the next?
The question that I was going toask was building the emotional
safety in the household.
I'm sure I know you touched alittle bit about that.
I'm sure I know you touched alittle bit about that.
But like when, when they arenot, how do how, how comfortable
(42:25):
, how?
I still don't know how to dothis and maybe this goes, goes
to you then more than I'm surebut like, how are we able to
have them express theirdiscomfort, like their
discomfort, dislike this, youknow, whatever, without being
disrespectful, right, likecreating that emotional safe
space to be authentically themand you know, so that later on
(42:49):
they don't feel this hesitationand people pleasing thing to you
know, in their workplace, intheir school, whatever, how?
What are some practices I guessparents can implement in their
household?
Speaker 4 (43:01):
Well, I mean, first and foremost, I want to ask you
guys, what is the definition ofdisrespect for you as a parent,
right?
What does that look like foryou as a parent?
And once you figure that out,what is the discomfort for you
as a parent, right?
What makes you feeluncomfortable and what are those
things that you're like?
Oh, I don't even know muchabout this and I think a lot of
(43:22):
times parents project their ownfear to their kids in many
aspects of it.
It's like, let's say, forexample, if your children six,
seven years old brought up sexand talk about sex, it's
something that they just heardfrom their friend.
Right, mommy, what this meansas you, what were you doing that
(43:42):
day?
I would freak out Another one.
Here's another one.
Here's another one.
What if you find out yourseven-year-old boy or girl seen
pornography and you catch?
Speaker 3 (43:55):
that I'm moving countries Right.
Speaker 1 (43:57):
I think it depends, like in what context Was it?
Like did they type it inthemselves, or like was somebody
in the house watching that?
You know what I mean, that youdon't know, or the exposure.
Speaker 4 (44:08):
Let's say the exposure.
You saw something that they'rewatching.
They didn't know that.
You know how some internet iswild, plays right.
Speaker 1 (44:19):
I'm giving you guys a very actually.
Yeah, that's true, because likeeven youtube, you know like
does it?
Speaker 4 (44:22):
yeah, like not pornography, but like there's
nudity in some aspect of thingsthat kids can come across and
like wow, right, like I think so.
Speaker 1 (44:30):
Last week, my kids, um, and I and I we had to talk
about it and everything, butthey were watching these dolls
and the dolls like it was likethese cartoons or whatever, and
it's like you know how, likethey have like there's a hand or
something, I don't know they'redoing something, but the dolls
were pregnant and they weregiving birth or whatever.
(44:52):
Yeah, like pregnant dolls, andI was, and I like I just froze,
I was like what are they?
Are they watching that?
That right there, you know, andso, and I think, um, that
meaning I banned YouTube forlike a week because we're done
(45:13):
that, let's move, let's packthat's funny.
Speaker 3 (45:19):
Uh, I not youtube related stuff, but my son went
to school and then the next daylike not even the next day that
when we picked him up he saidwhat?
And he dropped the f.
I was in jayland, said hepulled the car over because one
(45:40):
we know.
Like when he went to school hedidn't know that word, that word
yeah we like.
He still like.
Goes at me when I because I saywhat the heck a lot, and he's
like mommy, don't say what theheck that's a bad, because we
have.
So he first.
We had to figure out where thatlanguage came from.
And second, we had to explainlike hey, you know that's not
(46:02):
good language.
You know, if you feel frustratedor whatever, you should use
different language.
And Jaylan said he literallypulled the car over.
Because one thing I genuinelybelieve in is like not
postponing things.
I catch it, it, address it andalso your response to it.
I feel like emotionalattachment when it comes to
(46:25):
actions right like and I'vetalked about this before like
the kids can pick up on yourreaction yeah, this is serious.
Okay, my dad pulled the car overand he turned around and he's
talking to me about this.
That's, that's serious.
So he's like where did you hearit?
And he's like my friend blahblah blah at school said it on
the playground.
He's like okay.
(46:46):
So I want to tell you this youknow this is not a really good
phrase and Alhamdulillah wehaven't gotten to that part,
that crazy, you know likeYouTube part, yet but you know
we don't say that.
I think if let's say, I see mykids going through that, I don't
know if I told you guys thatactually happened to me.
(47:06):
Like when I was in high schoolI was watching porn but my
computer got a virus because Iwas watching a movie on.
You know, those One, two, threemovies Is it what it's called,
like the ripoff movies, thebootleg movies, yeah so the
virus came in through there andI literally was watching a very
I don't even remember a veryinnocent pg movie.
(47:27):
Okay, I think it was princessprotection program, selena gomez
and demi lovato.
I like that movie and Iliterally was watching that.
Why would you like that movie?
It was like on everywhere.
No, it wasn't because I didn'thave any like.
I was only allowed to watch tvlike two days on on on.
Well, this wasn't at this backhome.
Speaker 2 (47:46):
No, here, this was in high school I was only allowed
to watch on thursdays forvampire diaries.
Speaker 3 (47:54):
That hour was saved, so I couldn't watch anything on
tv yet, okay.
So anyway, long story short.
I was watching that and thenall of the sudden, and this
thing comes up and Ismo'swalking up the stairs Behind me,
no, and then Imagine I'mwatching this movie on my
computer With the normal speed.
(48:15):
I mean not speed.
Sound.
Sound with the normal speed of.
I mean not speed but sound oflike loud, because I have
nothing to be hiding, you know.
And then all of a sudden, thislady's like, and she's all leg
up and that's the first privatepart of someone else that I've
ever seen in my life.
And my uncle, he just looked atme and he just ran to the
spectrum.
See, that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 4 (48:41):
It's all about reaction.
Yeah, we either fight or fright, oh my god yeah so we either
fight or flight.
Speaker 3 (48:49):
I would I literally slammed the computer and I said
it wasn't me oh my, my God.
Speaker 1 (48:57):
I will say, though, like, when it comes to, you know
, creating safety for your kids,you do have to like, as
uncomfortable as it is, you dohave to talk about this in your
house before they experience itout there, because imagine, like
I think my worst fear would beif my child went through
(49:17):
something.
You know, somebody didsomething to them, and they did
not have the language and theydid not have the comfortability
or the safety to come to me andsay you know, mama, this
happened to me yeah, and I think, go ahead.
Speaker 3 (49:30):
Just want to add to that uh one the way we are able
to do this and to build that isby making sure there's an open
line of communication throughthe small things, right, um, and
I think we've spoken about thisbefore.
Like, I learned this actuallyfrom my grandmother and she
would tell my aunts that ifschool, if anything happens,
(49:54):
just come to my house, it's fine, come home.
Anything, anyone does anything.
Come home.
The school is.
You know you're late to schooland the school doors go back
home.
You know, once you're late toschool, you can't go in you.
They close the door.
So normally what other kids usedto do is that they would just
walk around.
Do you know, do other things.
She's like just come home, youwon't get in trouble.
If you did something and youknow you you need help, just
(50:16):
come home, I won't punish you,just tell me what's going on,
I'm there.
And that aspect of it, likeeven now, opening that line of
communication and being likejust be straightforward, we'll
have a conversation, I'll beable to help you out versus, um,
you know, just being likeharping on everything, because
if you react on, if your kidtook a cookie from the cookie
(50:39):
jar and you make a big deal outof it.
Next time, he's not not notgonna take the cookie from the
cookie jar, he's just gonnafigure out a way to do it
without you knowing.
Speaker 4 (50:47):
Yeah, so to answer you guys a question that you ask
.
It's about your reactions, it'sabout how you are regulated
enough with the discomfort thatarises.
It's about your tone of voicewhen your child's doing a
specific act or things that youactually don't agree with.
And this is a point of theconversation.
So the way to create emotionalsafety is just more like, if I'm
(51:11):
being triggered, how can Iregulate myself before I engage
in this conversation with mychild?
Right?
Do I react and be frustratedand be irritated and then
respond based on that?
And another thing that comeswith that is that in our culture
is what we do?
Is that how pressure andpressure and hushing, secrecy
and then shame kind of develop.
(51:34):
Right, things happens and wedon't address it.
We like we either embarrass theperson, humiliate them, right,
and then tell them why did youdo that, this, this?
And they start going intoattacking.
Like, for example, what youwere sharing earlier.
If your uncle saw you and justwent, added you right at that
moment and kind of like when,braided you really aggressively,
what did you do?
(51:54):
Like, right?
You know, if he had said that,like that's I mean if he did
that right I'd just cry Exactly,she will go into the shame of
the whole thing.
That one I didn't do it.
Secondly, I'm not watching it.
And third, this is really bad,you don't trust me because it
goes back to like what kind ofperson do you think I am?
Speaker 3 (52:13):
You don't trust me.
The notion of who I am Insteadof him saying like, okay, I saw
that.
Speaker 4 (52:18):
I'm going to pretend like I didn't see it right now,
but then I'm going to have aconversation with her about it.
So then it's like if you camein in the room and said you know
I wasn't watching it and thisis what happened, and clarified,
then oh, okay, well, thank youfor explaining that.
I didn't assume anything badabout you, right?
Speaker 1 (52:33):
If that was done, bonnie would never have any
negative thought about the wholeexperience, and I think the
whole shaming and like throwingthings under the rug in our
culture is huge, you know,because so many things happen
and we almost blame the victim.
Speaker 4 (52:49):
Yes, and many expect that we do yeah, and.
Speaker 1 (52:52):
I know that.
You know, in this episode wedon't really have time to go
into all of that.
Yeah, but should we wrap it upa little bit?
Speaker 4 (53:00):
um, I think we still have a couple more things that
we want to talk about, like waysthat criticism and shame and
performing or the factors youknow even that a little bit yes
and how that affect us, likewhen, when we talk about earlier
, like part of the emotionalsafety again, is that how do we
talk about not shaming,embarrassing our children, right
(53:22):
?
What does shaming andembarrassing our children impact
them as an adult, right?
As a teenager, the way theyinteract in their own worlds and
how that affects them withinterpersonal relationships.
In that sense, I don't think wetalk about it enough.
When you guys are already, likenow, you two or anyone who's
listening to this episode if youare already implementing some
(53:44):
sort of safety right now, right,meaning things are a lot more
smoother for them, right?
Versus somebody who is not evenaware of all these
possibilities and how to createa safe space for their children,
and then, all of a sudden,they're like just parenting out
of fear, out of authority andout of like not have the patient
to navigate a discomfort anddysregulation that occurred.
Speaker 1 (54:07):
And I would say that kids, they are really smart when
it comes to these things.
I remember an incident where Iwas talking to my sister, my
siblings, and my daughter wasthere and I didn't realize that
she was there in the room withus and so I was telling them oh,
you know, the past weekend Diadid A, b and C, and you know,
and I was just talking about youknow, and it wasn't it wasn't
(54:28):
something bad, but it wasuncomfortable for my daughter.
So then later on, when we wenthome, she told me you know what,
mommy, I don't like how youtold auntie what happened.
You know, that was veryembarrassing and so it was
really uncomfortable for me.
But I had to sit with thatemotion and to you know realize.
I told her you know what, I'mso sorry that I did that Next
(54:49):
time I won't share, you know, ifyou don't want me to share
something.
So building that comfort andsafety for them, I think, is a
good way to start.
Speaker 3 (54:59):
Yeah, yeah, I think also the idea of making sure
that there's boundaries andrails and safety mechanisms they
build for themselves as much aswe build for them right.
And also we have to give themagency right.
Yeah, we have to give themagency right.
One thing I have been reallygood at and I think we kind of
(55:22):
have been talking about thisagain and I try to take whatever
we talk about and implement itin my life is that being able to
say hey, do you want to hug?
So-and-so, do you want to giveso-and-so a hug?
Do you want to say hi toso-and-so?
Hey, do you want to do this?
Hey, can I come in your room?
I know, you know.
Can I come in your room?
Hey, you know, can Sami sorryfor Nafi, can Sami borrow this
(55:47):
or can Yusuf borrow this?
So being able to give them theopportunity to say no, right,
right, and being comfortable tosay no and no it's not
necessarily always disrespectfulthat's giving them agency,
giving them Of course they knowthat they can't say yes, I'm
going to put my hand in the fireand I'm going to let them know
that's not going to happen, youknow.
But just giving them thatlittle like with age, with with
(56:11):
every age, just giving them alittle bit more agency so that
they know, hey, my no is enough.
Or agency so that they know,hey, my no is enough.
I don't have to explain my no.
So next time someone challengestheir no, they feel comfortable
to be able to stand on that andsay no.
Being able to let them know,hey, you don't have to prove
things to people.
You know, making sure that againyour boundary and letting them
(56:33):
know why you have boundarieslike this right, religious
boundaries, cultural boundaries.
We don't do this becauseboundaries, cultural boundaries
we don't do this because of this.
We don't do this because allahsays this, because we're muslim,
because we're, because we'rethis and they, I, it's, it's
bigger than us, right, um, andbeing able to to put enough
(56:57):
context into those boundaries,into barriers that you know from
other people, and also likeletting them know that, hey, you
cannot and should not let otherpeople speak to you in a
certain way.
If you don't even like the wayI speak to you, you can have a
conversation with me about thatand I have to be okay with, like
(57:18):
you said, okay with whateveryou tell me and process it and
say, hey, I'm so sorry, you know, and so on and so forth, and I
think the other thing is, as alast point, is just to be
hypervigilant about peoplearound your kids, regardless of
how close you are to them,regardless of what relationship
they have.
Speaker 1 (57:41):
You are to them, regardless of what relationship
they have.
To be just to be aware, becausesometimes you know it is people
closest to you that have accessto your kids that do things to
them that do this to them.
Speaker 3 (57:49):
Yeah, like the biggest, you know the large
majority of essays.
Yeah, um, and happen becausethrough people that are known to
the, our children and also thathave that damage their
self-worth, that could damagetheir uh, you know, um, uh,
their self-esteem, confidence,because if you can do as much as
you can, but then every timethey encounter this person, if
(58:12):
they are calling them you knowout of their name, if they're
calling them such and such andyou you don't stand up for them,
yeah, then that I know a lot ofpeople that get uh color shamed
right, like uh colors orsomeone's big texture too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, all of thathair.
Speaker 4 (58:28):
You, just you just gave an example about a hair
texture between your twodaughters.
Speaker 3 (58:32):
I know but imagine someone saying that, like saying
, oh wow you, your hair is,whatever your hair is, or if she
would be so beautiful if shewasn't, so, you know, dark yeah,
I know I'm super like myantennas are all the way up.
Yeah, yeah, I'm always not evenjust about to my kids.
I don't want people to say thatabout themselves around my kids
(58:55):
or to another person around mykids.
Speaker 4 (58:58):
I'm really really like, yeah, cutthroat about that
so, basically, thank you somuch, you guys, and I think a
lot of things that we talkedabout today is basically trying
to have an open communication inus, in our household, within
our kids, and making sure thatwe create a safe space for them.
Um, in many aspects of it's likethe part of the resources I
(59:18):
would encourage our audience tolike read and read books, and
there is other resources outthere how to create a safe space
for one another in our home,and also understanding
boundaries and limitation thatkids needs and how do we clarify
that.
And being able to model someaspect of boundaries and the
(59:38):
boundaries itself does not seemto be like a form of disrespect
to you.
So kind of address that foryourself and if you are
triggered based on the commentsthat you do here in this episode
as well, please kind of takethe time to take care of
yourself.
I encourage anyone out there um, take care of understanding the
triggers that we are raised inand our family members and try
(01:00:02):
to unlearn some of the things sothat we can kind of create a
better, safe, understanding andcompassion state for one another
.
Speaker 1 (01:00:09):
so we we love our conversation today and we'll
talk about more definitely, likeas the whole essay thing we
definitely have to get into andchild grooming and you know,
know all of that.
So we will talk about it A lotof stuff.
Especially with all the stuffgoing on now.
Speaker 4 (01:00:25):
Yes, absolutely so.
Prioritize your self-care,prioritize yourself, prioritize
your kids, prioritize yourcommunity.
And thank you for listening.
This is a difficultconversation, see ya,
assalamualaikum.
Speaker 1 (01:00:40):
Listening.
This is difficult conversation.
See ya, assalamu alaikum.
Join the conversation in thecomment section or on our
instagram page to share with uswhat you think.
We do not have all the answersand our biggest goal is to kick
off and get the conversationgoing.
May allah accept our effortsand use us as catalysts for
change.
Speaker 4 (01:01:04):
MBC All relation to NBC.
Assalamualaikum welcome to Difficult
Conversations where we tackletaboo topics in a safe space
through empowerment andeducation.
Speaker 3 (00:15):
Hello everybody, you know, actually I wanted to tell
you, to ask you guys, a fewquestions about something that
happened to me this yesterday.
About something that happenedto me yesterday I took my
daughter to the emergency roombecause she had a high fever and
hives and all of these things,and then I was thinking about a
statement.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
So what did they say in the air?
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Oh, they just said that she was negative for COVID,
negative for RSV, negative forinfluenza.
But they said there's somethinggoing on with kids, like
something going around like somesort of virus or whatever, and
she must have just got caught it.
Um, so they just told us tolike we paid how many, how much
money to be told to takeibuprofen.
(00:56):
And I'm telling you no, but itmakes me feel like okay, at
least you, least you know she'sokay.
Because it was really, reallyfreaky.
And I remembered a statement afriend of mine actually told me
way before I think I waspregnant at the time with my
(01:16):
first son, and she said being aparent is the only mental
illness everyone voluntarilysigns up for.
Mental illness everyonevoluntarily signs up for because
, like you will like lose sanityover like the smallest things.
You will never gain the samelevel of, um, certainty.
(01:38):
You are always worried, anxious, you know attachment, you know
all of those things.
Like you have to figure out howto have a healthy attachment
with your kids, not to be eithersuper attached to a point where
they're, you know, dependent onyou all the time, and so on and
so forth.
And I thought it was like thatis.
That is a very dark way oflooking at parenting, but it's
(01:59):
true, like that's the only kindof parenting that people you
know.
Just it's, just yeah, because,like, if I yeah.
Speaker 4 (02:10):
I wonder how are you feeling about the fact that
that's what you had to deal withlast night?
Yeah.
And this morning coming to theshow and like recording and that
state of mind and like how areyou doing?
Speaker 3 (02:21):
Well, I'm okay.
I mean, it's great that we'retalking about mental health
today, because I have a lot ofmaterial for it, but I think the
fact that I'm, like I said, Ihave a very dark perspective on
things like my brain, goes toworst case scenarios.
(02:41):
So, especially when my kids aresick, that's when my I can't
seem to have control over, likemy dark thoughts, um, so I'm.
It's really really toxic andit's really debilitating
sometimes because, like with,with, I told you guys, like well
, not told you guys knew aboutthis.
When my son had his febrileseizure at at the osborne soccer
(03:04):
game while I was there, and noweverything was happening, my
brain was already processing hisfuneral.
I was like, wow, okay, this ishappening.
He's like, literally, you know,we're just like it's weird,
like I astral project in a way,and that happens.
So, um, and I'm, I'm just like,okay, this is happening, he's,
(03:26):
he's okay.
I have to figure it out, likein this, you know, and it's just
so weird, and I, my brainstarts.
Speaker 4 (03:33):
It's like a montage of spaces where, um, do you kind
of go blank, or do you?
Speaker 3 (03:40):
kind of oh, I wish blank was great, like say, like
no, I literally will have it.
You know how people say my lifeflashed before my eyes,
everyone that I love when theyare in trouble.
Their life flashes before myeyes and I start seeing
everything that I love aboutthem, everything that I'm going
(04:02):
to miss about them.
All of these things startplaying and that is like in a
minute, in a spark of like asecond.
A second it's.
It's very, very like and so it'slike I am, and and it's crazy
is that I'm also while I'msaying this, it doesn't sound
real, but I'm really really goodin crisis like I am the one
(04:24):
that's like if something happens, like what, I'm the one that's
like jumping in, doing things,except I think the only time I
ever froze when was because ofyou.
I don't know why, but at thehouse oh yeah, to this day, my
trauma with that.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
I can't eat alone.
Speaker 4 (04:43):
I swallow so slowly.
Speaker 3 (04:44):
Yes, like I, literally I just jump in and I'm
very calculated.
I'm like move dude.
Yeah, why did you froze thatday?
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (04:58):
I was holding her daughter the baby that she's
talking about and we were justkind of hanging out and then I
was really hungry and so I tooka bite of Sambusa and Sambusa
like the tail one of the part ofit it got stuck in my throat
and for the first time in mylife I was choking on food.
Like it literally happened likea movie.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
Were you talking at the same time?
No, she was by herself.
Speaker 4 (05:25):
It was me, and the baby was sitting in the couch in
the couch area, the living roomarea okay and then, like I
couldn't, I was weaseling, yeah,kind of like that, because
there's no air, yeah it feltlike I don't, I swear I was
gonna die too.
I literally, I literally wentinto it like somebody hold the
baby.
Yeah, as long as I don't dropthe baby, I'm okay, everything
is okay.
Right like, it's not about me,it's about the baby.
(05:46):
Well, like when?
Speaker 3 (05:46):
she says I just want to save this.
She literally it was crazy.
She was like here, hold thebaby.
And I mean she didn't say it,but she was just, and I didn't
understand Because, like I couldsee, I thought it was just like
she like like misbreath, likelike mis-breath, I don't know
whatever it's called when youknow when you breathe in, it
takes a second, yeah, yeah.
So she handed me the baby and Itook the baby and I was just
(06:08):
going to go about my day andshe's like, yeah.
Speaker 4 (06:12):
And then I came to you and then didn't, and I gave
you the baby.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
The thing is I don't remember was that you were, I
went.
Speaker 4 (06:21):
African style my CPR training went on oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
I think my arsonist takes over.
Speaker 4 (06:32):
No, but yeah that feeling is still kind of like
tightness in my gut and it'slike it twists a little bit, but
it's also like every time Ichew.
Right now at our home somebodysaid this on TikTok.
She said that you know, thescariest thing about living by
yourself is that you can chokeon food and nobody will find out
(06:52):
.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
And then I was like okay great You're like another
fear unlocked Exactly.
Speaker 4 (07:02):
I wouldn't mind, but talking about it, it's like
we're talking about being frozenin a state of mind with kids,
like what Bonnie was saying,like she's a mother and I wasn't
, but the first thought is like,please take care of the baby.
Yeah, right, and that was it.
Speaker 3 (07:16):
And I felt, of course the hero jumped in to save your
boat and she was like did that?
Speaker 1 (07:22):
have a maneuver, yeah .
But the thing is, though, Ithink for me, like because of
like my background, respiratoryand stuff like that, like
whenever I'm in public, I'malways I go through scenarios in
my head.
I'm like, okay, if somebody, ifI have to do CPR, what's the
first thing I have to do?
So then I go through that like,um, the CPR training.
It's like, oh, step one, steptwo, so that's how, like my
(07:43):
brain works.
Yeah, I'm always like, okay, ifthis happens if you're out and
about, if you're on the plane,what would you do first?
Speaker 3 (07:49):
yeah, you know I that's one of the reasons
actually I didn't want to gointo medical field, because you
know, like if you're a nurse orrt or if you're a doctor and
something, and you have to dosomething you have to do
something legally otherwiseyou'll be held liable, right if
I, if I'm not mistaken,something like that.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
I'm not exactly sure, but as a human like you'd want
to do something, but I knowmyself Like my brain is weird.
Speaker 3 (08:10):
I know I'm saying a bunch of oxymoronic stuff, but I
do tend to respond to stuff,but then when it's
life-threatening things, I guessI don't do as well as I thought
life-threatening things.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
It's I, I guess I don't do very as well as I
thought.
So then, as a parent, I want toask you like okay, so now you
know your child has, um, he hadthat seizure and stuff like that
.
How do you think it?
It will affect your child inthe long run if you know you
have your, your type of parentwho's like, oh my god, you God,
you know like and stuff likethat.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
Well, that's the thing is that as parents, we
have to always be aware of ourresponses.
Not just responses, but ourtriggers, our emotional
capabilities and so on and soforth.
So my thing is that I startedgoing to therapy right before
while I was pregnant because Iknew A.
I'm going to parent frompregnant because I knew a.
(09:04):
I'm going to parent from aspace of fear.
I'm going to parent from aspace of trauma.
I'm going to parent from aspace of um, I guess my fear was
that either my kids were goingto turn out to be brats and I've
said this a long time becauseI'm like just giving them
everything out of love or I'msheltering them so much that
they're going they're not goinggoing to be really exposed to
(09:26):
like life and life's obstaclesand hardships and you know all
of those things.
So the only way that I can fixthat is before it gets there.
I have to work on why.
You know the reasons to myresponse to my kids.
So parents have to make surethey have to understand.
Why do I feel this anxiousnessaround my kids?
Why do I feel the need tocontrol their?
They have to understand.
Why do I feel this anxiousnessaround my kids.
(09:46):
Why do I feel the need tocontrol their world, or to
control their you know, the needfor a rational level of safety
and figuring that out, makingsure they have a really good
coping mechanism for thosethings, and then obviously it
will show up.
And then and then obviously itwill show up.
(10:07):
Like I said, I have been intherapy for five years now and
I'm still you know, it's stillshowing up for me, right?
So what I do is that I justmake sure I step back.
Okay, I am experiencing thesethings and hopefully, of course,
I am having these conversationswith my kids.
Hey, it's not you.
It's not that you are doinganything wrong or you are an
unsafe child, or whatever thecase is.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
It's just that I have anxious attachment right now
with you, you know I think likeI think for me, I'm that parent
that just lets them figure itout, like, whatever the
situation is say, my son falls,hits his head.
My daughter, you know, isjumping off or doing all these
things.
I'm always the one that's likeyou know is jumping off or doing
all these things.
I'm always the one that's likeyou know what, you fell down.
(10:47):
Then I wait until they come tome and ask me for help, you know
, until my kids know that if itreally hurt, they'll be like
mommy, you know this reallyreally hurt, you know and I do,
you know, offer comfort andstuff like that.
So but I think a good balancebetween you know running to them
when they need help and alsojust letting them figure it out
allows them to build thatresilience and work through
(11:10):
their problems.
Speaker 4 (11:11):
Yeah, I mean, are you guys?
So my question is that whatdoes healthy parenting looks
like for you guys in that sense,mental health kind of in your
radar, when you are raising them, when you are interacting with
them, when you are experiencingyour own internal agitation,
(11:31):
frustration, do you think about,like, how do I navigate?
And if I do kind of like, let'ssay, for example, lash out or
say something to my kids, do Igo back, talk to them about,
saying you know, know, I'm sorry, I wasn't supposed to do that
and I did it because of x, y andz reason, but mommy or daddy
would be mindful of it next time.
Like what would that look like?
Speaker 1 (11:52):
as far as, like, healthy parenting looks like
when raising your kids, that whois emotionally like aware of
their feelings, that I'm not thecausation of mommy's reaction
towards me, I think for me, um,you know it takes because, okay,
for example, this morning, Iwas really really frustrated
because, you know, my kids wereupstairs, they were trying to
(12:14):
brush their teeth and all thatstuff, and so they kept calling
me and they're like mommy canhelp me, come do this, but I was
already downstairs, you know,preparing breakfast and stuff
like that.
So I kept like, and thenfinally I did go upstairs and I,
you know, preparing breakfast,um, and stuff like that.
So I kept like, and, and thenfinally I did go upstairs and I,
you know, I was like, and itshowed on my face that I was
really irritated by the wholesituation, um, and my kids are
(12:34):
kind of, I would say, moreattached to me, and so they're
like no, I don't want, you know,I don't want daddy to do it, I
want you to do it, or whatever,um, and so, and then my other
daughter she had madrasa thismorning and she just did not
want to go to the madrasa.
Because I was like, you know,you have to go, your younger
sister doesn't, you know, she'snot going to madrasa today.
And so she threw a big fit andI just kind of like, held her
(12:57):
and I was like you know what youare going, you know, and gave
her the eyes and she just spedoff and went to her room.
So then later on, you know,driving to Madrasa, I was like
you know.
So then I explained it to her.
Why that?
You know, because her sister,she's not learning anything
right now.
You know, she's four and you'reseven, six, almost going to
(13:19):
seven, so it's a requirement forher and not for you.
So us talking about it, thenfinally she's like you know what
, I'm glad she's not here.
I was like why she's like youknow, because every time we're
in madrasa she's always like youknow, pulling my hair and or
taking my hijab or whatever.
Um, and so she, she understoodwhy she had to go and her
(13:41):
younger sister didn't have to goand she actually liked that in
the end.
So you know, I would say, justtalking through it with your
kids, you know, and it's not,we're not perfect, you know,
we're human beings, we're all.
We're dealing with our ownissues and, at the same time,
trying to raise kids that areresilient and able to withstand
you know stressful situations.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Yeah, I think I guess .
Let me ask you a few questionsIn addition.
So what would you be?
What would you say like ineveryday, in your everyday
interaction with your kids, likewhen you're thinking of like,
okay, I want to make sure that Iam raising emotionally stable,
emotionally intelligent some,you know, kids that are able to
(14:26):
regulate their emotions well,how would you, how, what are the
everyday activities that you do, everyday interactions that you
do like to make sure that theyare able to navigate those,
those spaces, even, you know, intheir highly emotional state?
Speaker 1 (14:40):
so one thing i've've been reading this book that I
keep talking about how to Raise,the Danish Way of Raising
Parents or Kids or whatever andone thing that I found
fascinating in that book is howto use play as a way for kids to
regulate their emotions, and soevery day I've tried to make it
(15:04):
a habit to turn off the TV andjust let them play Like, because
when they play they get intoespecially when they have
siblings they get into fights,they get into disagreements and
stuff like that.
And it says how, like you know,when you play you activate the
same neurochemicals as stress,and so when the kids are exposed
to that, they are able to findways to regulate it instead of
(15:28):
avoid it.
Yeah, and so over time, whenthey grow up, they're able to
regulate their stress bythemselves in times of stress.
So, that's.
That's helped us out a lot, anddays that I am doing something
and I want them that I allowthem to watch a little bit more
TV.
I can sense it in theirbehavior, you know, and how
(15:50):
they're kind of a little bitmore irritable or not.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
So like they don't.
When you see what you preach,yeah, it's so beautiful, because
I see.
So Sami loves hair Like she'sturning one in like three days
and she loves hair.
She doesn't have any hair rightnow and she just so she grabs
Nafi's hair and she like lovesyanking on it.
(16:23):
So she sees how I respond, nafisees how I respond when Sami
pulls my hair and she really hasa grip, that girl, and she's
like so I'm like Sami, please.
You know this hurts mommy, andI'm just I'm doing like
demonstrative modeling, right?
So I'm like Sami, this hurtsmommy's hair, please don't.
(16:46):
And I'm just walking, like youknow, undoing her fingers for my
hair.
So to this morning, actually,sami had grabbed nafi's like
ponytail and she had like andher curls and like all hair and
through all.
So she's like sami, pleasedon't do this.
I'm your sister, this.
This hurts me.
This hurts my hair and she'slike pulling it like this and
(17:11):
then Yusuf came and he said Sami, don't do this to our sister.
And then it was like oh my god,it's working and it's I don't
think.
I always say, like you know,obviously we don't make our
little sister cry, we don't,sami's just a baby.
But I don't remember exactlyhaving that conversation of like
, talk to her like this or don'tyou know, but like they just
see me do whenever she does itto me, and I was like that's how
(17:33):
, like that's how kids learn.
It's just that demonstration ofthey do what you do, not
necessarily always what you sayto do.
Speaker 4 (17:41):
Modeling does help.
So I'm basically hearing thatyou having a different
perspective of parenting andthen also emphasizing the
openness and emotionallysupporting your kids is the way
to kind of create thatenvironment for them.
Also, like if you're just likeadult, have emotional
dysregulations moment, which islike agitation and frustration
and irritability, and and somedays like you're in a rush and
(18:03):
you have schedules and places togo and your kid is giving you
that morning right Like in thatmoment, what does it look like
to support them and regulatethem in that space?
Speaker 3 (18:17):
That actually happens a lot in my house with Yusuf
and my husband and what we tryto do.
One that happens a lot whenthey're when their routine
changes.
Um, you see, yusuf is veryroutine oriented, so he likes to
do his, you know, wake up,brush his teeth first and then
fix his bed and then get hisclothes done, and so if you say,
(18:39):
hey, I'm gonna do your bed andyou can go, you know, because
we're late, like he is, he has ahard time with that, right.
So what we do is that, okay,explaining, I think, walking
them through.
Hey, this, and it's hard, likesometimes you do it with a very
like do you explain?
Speaker 4 (18:57):
in the midst of it, or do you kind of allow both?
It depends, okay.
Does explaining work in thosemoments when they're
dysregulated?
Speaker 3 (19:04):
Well, for me, it depends on how dysregulated they
are.
Right, like, let's say, forexample, he's like mommy, I want
to do it.
Okay, yusuf and Jeylan had comeup with I don't know where he
learned it or this thing calledblow the candle, which means he
puts his finger in front ofYusuf and he's like, just and
(19:26):
like, and that helps him likebreathe.
And so he's like okay, blow thecandle.
Okay, now are you ready tolisten to me?
He's like, okay, yeah, in theirdays he says yes, in their days
, he says no.
If he says no, we have to gothrough the routine, and I mean
meaning like, what we have to do, what needs to be done, and
then, when we have the time,we'll go and like talk about it.
And, um, one thing that's Ireally am enjoying right now is
language, uh, which is havingthe language to express.
(19:50):
So, like, useful, say something.
Like, mommy, you're notlistening to me.
I need this to happen.
And I'm like yusuf, I amlistening to you.
Is this what you said?
Yes, okay, but I need you tounderstand we don't have time
right now, do you?
You want to be late to school?
If you're late to school,you'll miss on A, b and C.
So, like that, the feeling ofhim saying I'm not listening to
you.
(20:10):
So what's irritating him isthat he feels like I'm not
hearing him.
I'm not taking that time.
So I repeat what he said, so hehas the understanding that I
actually did hear you.
I know what you said, but whatneeds to happen is this, and of
course he's five, he's not goingto always, you know, be on it.
We go past it and then whenwe're in the car on our way, we
(20:31):
will, you know.
Speaker 4 (20:32):
Basically just go through it.
What if you?
Speaker 1 (20:34):
both are dysregulated .
Yeah, I think for me thathappens more than like you both
are.
Yeah, it's up there.
I think for me, like I pushright, Sometimes when I'm really
dysregulated, I'll push backand I'll be like no, this is my
way and this is what we're goingto do.
So I find myself doing that alot more, and I think a good day
(20:58):
for me is like when we don'thave those outbursts.
Okay, you know, when, like,we're both able to this is what
I want and they get it done onon their own.
And for me explaining it doesnot work at all, because,
especially my oldest, she haslearned to push back a little
bit too, and I don't know ifit's like because I'm more
(21:22):
focused on the younger one now,or like I'm more.
I feel like I'm more softerwith my son and my daughter,
because with Fatou it's her way.
Or the highway Middle child,yeah, like, if she wants
something and she's quick to cry, you know, she'll be like even
little things.
She'll be like mommy, she tookmy pen, then she'll start crying
(21:44):
, right.
And so I've done this bad habitwhere I just want her to stop
crying, and so I'll be likefatia.
Can you please just give it toher.
Let's just get over thissituation.
Speaker 4 (21:55):
Give it to her.
Oh, so there's a rationale foryou to kind of just like get rid
of the discomfort that'shappening.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
And with the language thing.
Lately, like you know, I'malways shuffling them around and
like we have activities andlike we're getting late for
school and and stuff like that.
And so I started saying youguys, we're late, let's go, you
know.
So then my youngest he'll belike Mommy, are we late?
So then, like the other day Iwas thinking about it, I was
like you know what, like I'm,we're not late, like why am I
using this language with thesekids?
And because now they're,they're thinking like mommy's
(22:33):
always rushing, like she'salways rushing us out the door
and and stuff like that.
So that's something I have towork on.
Speaker 3 (22:41):
I think one we have to be a little bit more gracious
to ourselves, because sometimeswe most of the time we are
rushing, and that understandingof like hey, we have to rush
through this because we arerushing.
I think we also have to givepeople like our kids the benefit
of the doubt and the ability tobe able to understand later on.
(23:03):
Right, hey, in the biggerpicture, mommy's not always
rushing, you know, I really am,though.
Speaker 4 (23:10):
Well, well, see the thing, is that?
Okay, finish your thought,because I have something to say
okay um, yeah, mommy's notalways rushing and she she has.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
we do spend a lot of quality time together.
She does like she is calm andlike hanging out with me most of
the time when it's a free timeand when it's not morning time
or evening time, when we'reeither going somewhere or coming
back from somewhere.
One thing I was going to saywas that we have this thing
called the wall in our housewhen it comes to language.
So I do this countdowns.
(23:42):
So like I try to negotiate, Itry to like I'm like, hey, let's
do this, do that.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
And then I say Yusuf the wall's going to come down.
Speaker 3 (23:54):
So if the negotiation is not working, I'll say the
wall's going to come down.
Sometimes I don't even have tosay the wall's going to come
down, I just start counting Five, four, three.
I do it obviously very slowlyand they know that if the wall
comes down by zero there's nomore negotiations Mommy's way or
the highway.
So you have time until the wallcomes down to be able to go
(24:15):
something that's 50-50, 60-40,30, you know.
But the wall comes down, nonegotiation.
We're going to do it the hardway and I think that also helps.
But then again, when it comesto the mommy guilt of like oh
you know, I don't want them tofeel some type of way.
I always feel like I don't wantthem to think that I'm always
(24:37):
super strict, like I'm alwaysjust being like, oh you know,
because it sucks too when youhave neighbors that seem to feel
, that seem to do whatever theywant to do.
Right.
Or like people in your life thatseem to do whatever they want
to do, so like they're like oh,but so and so is.
We have our neighbors that arelike, literally in front of us
and our our sleep time is like 730 now, and they're out until 9
(25:01):
10, like just driving aroundnow it's cold, but like they,
you know, like they havemotorcycles and they're like you
know, and cars or whatever, andI have to, and they're
literally in front of Yusuf'swindow and he sees them, he like
, weighs in his bedroom and heopens the shutter like
this and he's like watching.
And I have to be like yusuf.
That is their house, theirrules.
(25:21):
You know in that house that'swhat they do, but in this house
and I have to explain that tooand it's just like it doesn't
help and I have guilt.
I feel guilty like and now Iknow I'm going on a tangent, but
sam nafi starts what start.
She watched cinderella.
So whenever I am tough, shestarts calling me the stepmother
, mommy's being a stepmother.
(25:44):
It hurts so bad and I hate it.
She's like Mommy's being astepmother, it's like Cinderella
.
Speaker 4 (25:53):
So then, what does that mean when it comes to like?
There are some things that wehave been raised around
ourselves and based on ourparents' strategies and how they
raised us, and I think in ourprevious episode, we talked
about how, in our remote culture, there's survival mechanism of
like raising kids versusactually implementing this
mental health strategies andmaking sure that we're raising
(26:15):
emotionally regulated kids andmaking sure that we're raising
emotionally regulated kids.
What are some things that haveyou learned from your parents
that you feel like you don'twant to continue portraying that
in your household?
Speaker 1 (26:25):
I think for me is the , I think, avoidance of emotion
and just like the fact that youdidn't know, like if, my if,
like I feel like our parentstried to shield us in a lot of
ways about, like the hard timesthey were having, the emotions
(26:45):
that they were going through andtheir relationships, whether it
was good or bad.
So for me, I think I am tryingto make it a point to talk to my
kids about, like when I am mad,when I am sad, and they can see
it on my face that I'm upset.
So authenticity is somethingthat I think I'm working on and
(27:07):
making sure that, like, whateverconversation you have with them
, it's authentic and like, okay,me and Bob are because, like my
daughter, when me and her dadwere, like we'll talk back, you
know we're like talking back toeach other and she'll come in
between and she'll be like, stoparguing, you know, and so you
know it's like it's not alwaysgoing to be rainbows.
(27:28):
You know there will be timeswhere you disagree with your
husband or you know, and youwant them to see that in a
holistic way.
Speaker 4 (27:37):
So does that mean that you didn't get to see it
with your parents and now you'retrying to avoid that for your
own kids?
Yeah, okay.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Yeah, because I feel like I grew up avoiding emotion
and I'm very uncomfortable thisa lot of time.
But my middle one, she's fullof all the emotions, and I think
(28:05):
my older one too.
She's starting to expressherself in a lot of different
ways.
Um and so when they, when Ihave, I always have to stop
myself and say, you know, letthem express it, instead of
saying Fatou, stop crying.
Or like Fatou, you know, likethat was, why did you do that?
You know what I mean.
So just letting them go throughall of that and then talking to
(28:30):
them about it yeah, it's easiersaid than done Definitely,
definitely.
Speaker 3 (28:36):
I grew up in a house that was a little bit different
than yours in the sense that myparents fought in front of me.
They made up in front of me.
I saw that very much, so it wasvery much okay for me that even
in my friendships I was so okaywith fighting.
We can argue, we can fight.
I knew that was in the end,like as long as, of course, like
I love the way they fought,like they argued, but it wasn't
(29:01):
insults it wasn't like you knowanything.
It was like everybody had, likethey were passionate about
whatever they were talking aboutand but no, it wasn't.
I never like heard any insults,any you know like any degrading
or whatever, whatever.
And I also didn't see and Idon't know if this helps, but I
didn't see like you know how,like in this country, they say,
(29:25):
uh, like the husband, like thewife is always right and the
husband like just says okay andwhatever, like that.
I didn't see like I, my dadfought, like he was, he's a very
shy dude.
He didn't like people wouldn'tbelieve like he was a warrior at
home, but like he literally was, just like this is what I
believe, this is what it is.
(29:46):
And then she'd be like this iswhat I believe, this is because
of a and b and c and d and youknow 0.1, 0.2, 0.3 and like and
whoever had the most I, I guessright point won, not because
she's his wife and he wants tocater to her, not because
whatever, not because he's thehusband, but whoever was the
(30:06):
most right one.
So that let me have like that,even in our house now, like when
I see on social media sometimesI always tell Jaylen, I'm like
dude, can you just let me beright.
Like the wife is always right,but it's not like that in our
house either.
One thing I don't want to do,that my parents did and actually
(30:27):
me and Javi were talking aboutthis yesterday in the parking
lot is the idea of puttingemphasis on like on certain
things too much to a point thatyour kids feel like their worth
comes from that.
So in my house it was a lotabout education and, like my mom
, whenever I brought like goodgrades home, it was like she was
(30:49):
super ecstatic, like my familywas super ecstatic all of them
like from my grandfather andthat was the same thing that's.
I've heard stories about mygrandpa doing the same thing to
my mom.
Like you know, they had likenine kids and the most favorite
one that week was the kid thathad the best grade.
You know what I mean?
Like they would get thepresents and whatever, whatever.
(31:10):
So that's kind of how my momraised me, is.
She emphasized grades,emphasized the importance of
academia, our academicexcellence.
So I still struggle with thefact that if I'm not in school,
I don't really have a reallygood gauge of progress, your
(31:36):
sense of worth related toacademic success.
Academic success, yeah, yeah.
So it's not necessarilymonetary success, which is funny
, but academic success.
So I'm always in school, I'malways like in, you know and
some, and also I'm very much incompetition of myself with
myself.
So, like, if I feel like, whichalso feeds to that point of
(31:57):
like I'm always not feeling likeI'm I'm reaching my you know,
doing what my best, whatever, soI there's not like an actual
measurement for that?
yeah, because you're constantlyclimbing, exactly, yeah, exactly
so, um, that I don't want to doand I kind of practice that
even now.
My son is very studious in thesense that he is always doing
(32:19):
homework.
He, his teacher, has to hideher homework sheets.
I always keep saying this likeshe's, when she has to hide her
homework sheets that she printsout for the next day, um, or her
classroom sheets, whatever.
Because he take, he's like canI please take this home and do
homework?
Or he starts doing it whilethey're supposed to be playing.
He's very into that and I'mlike oh, that's great.
(32:40):
But then I always make sure togive the same amount of emphasis
to when he's doing chores orwhen he's like just being kind
to his.
You know like, so he knows youhave to like.
Your worth is not just becauseof your excellence or your
whatever.
It's spread out.
I guess I want to ask us alittle bit more about.
Speaker 4 (32:59):
I have something to say about that.
Um, you so what you weresharing examples of like your
generation, like how your mom'sfather did similar performance.
Academic performance was likepart of the family and it passed
into your aunt and uncles, andlike everybody's academic
performance like the highlightof what that recognition is.
Yeah, sometimes you don't haveto do those things to your kids.
(33:23):
It's automatically within yourblood, and I know this one.
You guys hate this, like when Isay this the generational yes,
Well, why you hate this?
but the fact is the fact, youwork really hard to try to
create a better, safeenvironment for your kids and
somehow one of your kids becomevery anxious, like academically
worries and always apprehensionabout everything.
(33:43):
It's not you doing those things, it's been happening to your
mother and it's happening toyour grandfather was doing that.
It's because it's already inthe blood and you're like but I
didn't do those things to mykids.
I worked really hard to makesure that I create safe space
and make sure that they're safe.
I did that and then you findout that, like, one of your kids
(34:03):
has significant anxiety and oneof the things that I always
want to say to parents is thatdon't go into blaming.
You are the causation of one ofthese experiences and like.
So that is something that youhave to be aware of.
I want to give a little bit ofexample when it comes to
generational stuff.
There was a client who came andtalked about how that she said
(34:25):
that I always receive coldsafter I wash my hair and I know
she gets cold cold, cold coldlike fevers OK like
she's like everybody in myhousehold is fine, right, and I
was like she's like in myhousehold is fine, right, and I
was like she's like my mom isfine, and I nobody talked about
it.
And then she later found outthat her great-grandmother, when
(34:49):
she washed her hair, she alwaysgets similar cold, like getting
fever especially what timeafter she was.
No, no, it's like it's a feverI don't know like you can't ask
client of those things, right?
so what I'm trying, my point, isthat generationally things
happen and you know your motherdoesn't have it, you know your
sister doesn't have it.
You try to investigate in everyaspect of like where is this
(35:11):
coming from?
Why is this happening like this?
It's not you.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
So yeah, I think you know, I think with praise what
helps is like in a room Correctme if I'm wrong with this in
your.
I think what helps is if youpraise the process and not
necessarily like the result.
You know, and I think with mykids I'm always like like when
Dia does homework and stuff andshe gets something wrong, we go
(35:39):
like OK, yeah, you did this partright and you know, kind of
spelling out that it's thisthing that you're doing, that's
right, not necessarily attachingit to them as a person, like
calling them smart and this andthat I wouldn't call kids smart,
because the smartness waseventually attached again with
their sense of self-worth it'skind of saying, wow, look at you
(36:01):
, you work really hard and youfigure that out on your own.
Speaker 4 (36:03):
Yeah, that process must be really difficult.
Look at you what you could do.
Right.
It's kind of like giving themthe strength like, oh, if I can
do those difficult thing, I cando anything else.
Does that make not just limitedto this exactly?
So the process is the bestaspect to encourage them, the
validation that they deserve andthe validation like I am so
(36:23):
proud of you.
Validation is also like theownership goes back to the
person who's proud.
Speaker 1 (36:29):
Not that they are proud of themselves.
Like taking ownership of yourown emotions.
Speaker 4 (36:34):
Yes.
So when the kid says, oh, mymom is proud of me, so what else
can I do to get that proud?
Right?
What else can I do?
So then the external validationincreases more, right?
How can I get more validationthat feels safe for me?
So if you said, are you proudof yourself for doing this?
And then if the kid says, yes,I am so, then that means that
(36:56):
it's internal mapping, internalregulations.
Speaker 1 (36:59):
Oh that, if the kid says, yes, I am so, then that
means that it's internal mappinginternal regulations, oh that
whole external internal locus ofcontrol aspect of it exactly so
like how do we manage?
Speaker 3 (37:05):
that is by trying to, like you said, process is what
we want acknowledge the the how,the difficulty, how they
overcame those things, not thefact that they are those
specific quality to describethem, if that makes sense I not
a pushback, but I guess anaddition or maybe a pushback,
just because I um kind of havebeen reading a lot of books,
(37:29):
like I'm sure I was saying about, and one of the things that I
was learning and I kind ofpractice in my house is the
spreading of praise, like acrossall fields.
But I think when it comes tolanguage, that's what I want to.
Maybe that pushback part comesin is that you know how you guys
said don't say you're smart,and I think you don't want, like
(37:53):
being smart or being beautifulor being, you know, mommy's
proud of you and daddy's proudof you, we're always proud of
you.
You don't want that to comefrom an outside source first.
So not putting an extraemphasis on or an extra
importance on the fact thatthey're smart and spreading that
everywhere, like you know, likeyour attention or your praise,
(38:15):
not being on that word alonetakes the pressure off of them
only identifying with that wordas their self-worth.
But the hearing that word comefrom you, someone that they
trust, and you acknowledging thefact that they are smart
actually helps them in the longrun and because they feel like,
(38:39):
um, they, they.
Next time someone says you know,and that goes a lot with beauty
when it comes to girls too um,is that when next time someone
says, even at work or at school,someone tells, oh, you're smart
, they're not gonna say, oh, youthink so it's more of I know
yeah, and they feel it, butthat's the thing right, so like
if the children receive thelevel of safety and as already
(38:59):
at home, they don't need to seekout a side.
Yeah, absolutely Exactly.
Speaker 4 (39:03):
So it's like what the conversation related to
overpraising is something thatyou also talk about is that the
ownership of their validation.
It should come from themselves.
Does that make sense Internally, even though the first
messaging should be coming fromthe home.
They should recognize thosethings eventually on their own,
and I think like when it comesto beauty.
Speaker 1 (39:26):
So my middle daughter has like longer hair, right
Longer, and it's a little softerthan my oldest, and so a lot of
the times my oldest will belike you know, fatou's hair is
so much prettier, you know.
And so in my middle one, shereally doesn't care.
You know, fatou's hair is somuch prettier, you know.
And so in my middle one, shereally doesn't care, you know,
she's not, she, she, I don'tthink she's not even aware,
she's not even aware of that.
And so what I've started to dois to say, you know, compliment
(39:49):
Dia on her hair and be like, wow, you know, I wish my hair was
like yours, and you know, andkind of get her into because
she's here, right, she, shedoesn't believe that her hair is
beautiful, um, and she's kindof and I can see it too when I'm
washing their hair and stuffshe's kind of looking at her
sisters and like, oh, wow, youknow.
And so I think building thatfirst um step of saying your
(40:10):
hair is beautiful too, um, isreally, really important,
because then, then, because nowshe'll start to do her hair and
you know, she's into that wholelike makeup and you know, and
stuff like that, yeah, and alsolike for.
Speaker 3 (40:21):
So in in in our household when, like before they
go to sleep, they have thismantra that they go around I am
beautiful, I am kind, I am nice,I am worthy, I am smart.
And that's why I always say youknow and um they, they, and
then mom and mommy's so proud ofme and I am proud of me and
daddy is so proud of me and I amloved and like literally.
(40:42):
That's like they say that andthen they make their dua and
then they go to sleep so likeright, instead of like reading
books.
That is beautiful.
So we do that like literallyevery day.
So the reason why I try toimplement that a lot is because
you say it enough.
You believe it a lot is becauseyou say it enough if you believe
it, and you know your thoughtscreate your, you know your sorry
, your words create yourthoughts, your thoughts create
(41:02):
your emotions, and so on and soforth.
So I just want to build that oflike yes, being smart is not
the only factor, um, the onlyidentifying factor, the only
thing that's worthy.
But your beauty is not the onlything that's worthy, and the
thing is too.
You speak it into existence yeah, absolutely I see this a lot in
my household, where I I, whenthey do something unkind or
(41:26):
linked to each other, they'rebeing and I say, wow, you know
what I love about my kids?
They're just so kind to eachother and then they love each
other.
So much you're building and yousee it like they start playing.
Speaker 1 (41:36):
They start playing together, better they start
playing together better Versusme being like.
Which I do that too sometimeswhen it gets a little irritating
.
Speaker 3 (41:43):
You know, and that time they're more.
They are more scared of likemommy, coming in to disrupt or
to fix Versus.
When I'm like doing this praiseof like oh, you're so kind to
each other, that makes me sohappy for you, then they are
like, oh, okay, let's play intothis thing that mommy has spoken
(42:04):
into.
How would you guys say the next?
The question that I was going toask was building the emotional
safety in the household.
I'm sure I know you touched alittle bit about that.
I'm sure I know you touched alittle bit about that.
But like when, when they arenot, how do how, how comfortable
(42:25):
, how?
I still don't know how to dothis and maybe this goes, goes
to you then more than I'm surebut like, how are we able to
have them express theirdiscomfort, like their
discomfort, dislike this, youknow, whatever, without being
disrespectful, right, likecreating that emotional safe
space to be authentically themand you know, so that later on
(42:49):
they don't feel this hesitationand people pleasing thing to you
know, in their workplace, intheir school, whatever, how?
What are some practices I guessparents can implement in their
household?
Speaker 4 (43:01):
Well, I mean, first and foremost, I want to ask you
guys, what is the definition ofdisrespect for you as a parent,
right?
What does that look like foryou as a parent?
And once you figure that out,what is the discomfort for you
as a parent, right?
What makes you feeluncomfortable and what are those
things that you're like?
Oh, I don't even know muchabout this and I think a lot of
(43:22):
times parents project their ownfear to their kids in many
aspects of it.
It's like, let's say, forexample, if your children six,
seven years old brought up sexand talk about sex, it's
something that they just heardfrom their friend.
Right, mommy, what this meansas you, what were you doing that
(43:42):
day?
I would freak out Another one.
Here's another one.
Here's another one.
What if you find out yourseven-year-old boy or girl seen
pornography and you catch?
Speaker 3 (43:55):
that I'm moving countries Right.
Speaker 1 (43:57):
I think it depends, like in what context Was it?
Like did they type it inthemselves, or like was somebody
in the house watching that?
You know what I mean, that youdon't know, or the exposure.
Speaker 4 (44:08):
Let's say the exposure.
You saw something that they'rewatching.
They didn't know that.
You know how some internet iswild, plays right.
Speaker 1 (44:19):
I'm giving you guys a very actually.
Yeah, that's true, because likeeven youtube, you know like
does it?
Speaker 4 (44:22):
yeah, like not pornography, but like there's
nudity in some aspect of thingsthat kids can come across and
like wow, right, like I think so.
Speaker 1 (44:30):
Last week, my kids, um, and I and I we had to talk
about it and everything, butthey were watching these dolls
and the dolls like it was likethese cartoons or whatever, and
it's like you know how, likethey have like there's a hand or
something, I don't know they'redoing something, but the dolls
were pregnant and they weregiving birth or whatever.
(44:52):
Yeah, like pregnant dolls, andI was, and I like I just froze,
I was like what are they?
Are they watching that?
That right there, you know, andso, and I think, um, that
meaning I banned YouTube forlike a week because we're done
(45:13):
that, let's move, let's packthat's funny.
Speaker 3 (45:19):
Uh, I not youtube related stuff, but my son went
to school and then the next daylike not even the next day that
when we picked him up he saidwhat?
And he dropped the f.
I was in jayland, said hepulled the car over because one
(45:40):
we know.
Like when he went to school hedidn't know that word, that word
yeah we like.
He still like.
Goes at me when I because I saywhat the heck a lot, and he's
like mommy, don't say what theheck that's a bad, because we
have.
So he first.
We had to figure out where thatlanguage came from.
And second, we had to explainlike hey, you know that's not
(46:02):
good language.
You know, if you feel frustratedor whatever, you should use
different language.
And Jaylan said he literallypulled the car over.
Because one thing I genuinelybelieve in is like not
postponing things.
I catch it, it, address it andalso your response to it.
I feel like emotionalattachment when it comes to
(46:25):
actions right like and I'vetalked about this before like
the kids can pick up on yourreaction yeah, this is serious.
Okay, my dad pulled the car overand he turned around and he's
talking to me about this.
That's, that's serious.
So he's like where did you hearit?
And he's like my friend blahblah blah at school said it on
the playground.
He's like okay.
(46:46):
So I want to tell you this youknow this is not a really good
phrase and Alhamdulillah wehaven't gotten to that part,
that crazy, you know likeYouTube part, yet but you know
we don't say that.
I think if let's say, I see mykids going through that, I don't
know if I told you guys thatactually happened to me.
(47:06):
Like when I was in high schoolI was watching porn but my
computer got a virus because Iwas watching a movie on.
You know, those One, two, threemovies Is it what it's called,
like the ripoff movies, thebootleg movies, yeah so the
virus came in through there andI literally was watching a very
I don't even remember a veryinnocent pg movie.
(47:27):
Okay, I think it was princessprotection program, selena gomez
and demi lovato.
I like that movie and Iliterally was watching that.
Why would you like that movie?
It was like on everywhere.
No, it wasn't because I didn'thave any like.
I was only allowed to watch tvlike two days on on on.
Well, this wasn't at this backhome.
Speaker 2 (47:46):
No, here, this was in high school I was only allowed
to watch on thursdays forvampire diaries.
Speaker 3 (47:54):
That hour was saved, so I couldn't watch anything on
tv yet, okay.
So anyway, long story short.
I was watching that and thenall of the sudden, and this
thing comes up and Ismo'swalking up the stairs Behind me,
no, and then Imagine I'mwatching this movie on my
computer With the normal speed.
(48:15):
I mean not speed.
Sound.
Sound with the normal speed of.
I mean not speed but sound oflike loud, because I have
nothing to be hiding, you know.
And then all of a sudden, thislady's like, and she's all leg
up and that's the first privatepart of someone else that I've
ever seen in my life.
And my uncle, he just looked atme and he just ran to the
spectrum.
See, that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 4 (48:41):
It's all about reaction.
Yeah, we either fight or fright, oh my god yeah so we either
fight or flight.
Speaker 3 (48:49):
I would I literally slammed the computer and I said
it wasn't me oh my, my God.
Speaker 1 (48:57):
I will say, though, like, when it comes to, you know
, creating safety for your kids,you do have to like, as
uncomfortable as it is, you dohave to talk about this in your
house before they experience itout there, because imagine, like
I think my worst fear would beif my child went through
(49:17):
something.
You know, somebody didsomething to them, and they did
not have the language and theydid not have the comfortability
or the safety to come to me andsay you know, mama, this
happened to me yeah, and I think, go ahead.
Speaker 3 (49:30):
Just want to add to that uh one the way we are able
to do this and to build that isby making sure there's an open
line of communication throughthe small things, right, um, and
I think we've spoken about thisbefore.
Like, I learned this actuallyfrom my grandmother and she
would tell my aunts that ifschool, if anything happens,
(49:54):
just come to my house, it's fine, come home.
Anything, anyone does anything.
Come home.
The school is.
You know you're late to schooland the school doors go back
home.
You know, once you're late toschool, you can't go in you.
They close the door.
So normally what other kids usedto do is that they would just
walk around.
Do you know, do other things.
She's like just come home, youwon't get in trouble.
If you did something and youknow you you need help, just
(50:16):
come home, I won't punish you,just tell me what's going on,
I'm there.
And that aspect of it, likeeven now, opening that line of
communication and being likejust be straightforward, we'll
have a conversation, I'll beable to help you out versus, um,
you know, just being likeharping on everything, because
if you react on, if your kidtook a cookie from the cookie
(50:39):
jar and you make a big deal outof it.
Next time, he's not not notgonna take the cookie from the
cookie jar, he's just gonnafigure out a way to do it
without you knowing.
Speaker 4 (50:47):
Yeah, so to answer you guys a question that you ask
.
It's about your reactions, it'sabout how you are regulated
enough with the discomfort thatarises.
It's about your tone of voicewhen your child's doing a
specific act or things that youactually don't agree with.
And this is a point of theconversation.
So the way to create emotionalsafety is just more like, if I'm
(51:11):
being triggered, how can Iregulate myself before I engage
in this conversation with mychild?
Right?
Do I react and be frustratedand be irritated and then
respond based on that?
And another thing that comeswith that is that in our culture
is what we do?
Is that how pressure andpressure and hushing, secrecy
and then shame kind of develop.
(51:34):
Right, things happens and wedon't address it.
We like we either embarrass theperson, humiliate them, right,
and then tell them why did youdo that, this, this?
And they start going intoattacking.
Like, for example, what youwere sharing earlier.
If your uncle saw you and justwent, added you right at that
moment and kind of like when,braided you really aggressively,
what did you do?
(51:54):
Like, right?
You know, if he had said that,like that's I mean if he did
that right I'd just cry Exactly,she will go into the shame of
the whole thing.
That one I didn't do it.
Secondly, I'm not watching it.
And third, this is really bad,you don't trust me because it
goes back to like what kind ofperson do you think I am?
Speaker 3 (52:13):
You don't trust me.
The notion of who I am Insteadof him saying like, okay, I saw
that.
Speaker 4 (52:18):
I'm going to pretend like I didn't see it right now,
but then I'm going to have aconversation with her about it.
So then it's like if you camein in the room and said you know
I wasn't watching it and thisis what happened, and clarified,
then oh, okay, well, thank youfor explaining that.
I didn't assume anything badabout you, right?
Speaker 1 (52:33):
If that was done, bonnie would never have any
negative thought about the wholeexperience, and I think the
whole shaming and like throwingthings under the rug in our
culture is huge, you know,because so many things happen
and we almost blame the victim.
Speaker 4 (52:49):
Yes, and many expect that we do yeah, and.
Speaker 1 (52:52):
I know that.
You know, in this episode wedon't really have time to go
into all of that.
Yeah, but should we wrap it upa little bit?
Speaker 4 (53:00):
um, I think we still have a couple more things that
we want to talk about, like waysthat criticism and shame and
performing or the factors youknow even that a little bit yes
and how that affect us, likewhen, when we talk about earlier
, like part of the emotionalsafety again, is that how do we
talk about not shaming,embarrassing our children, right
(53:22):
?
What does shaming andembarrassing our children impact
them as an adult, right?
As a teenager, the way theyinteract in their own worlds and
how that affects them withinterpersonal relationships.
In that sense, I don't think wetalk about it enough.
When you guys are already, likenow, you two or anyone who's
listening to this episode if youare already implementing some
(53:44):
sort of safety right now, right,meaning things are a lot more
smoother for them, right?
Versus somebody who is not evenaware of all these
possibilities and how to createa safe space for their children,
and then, all of a sudden,they're like just parenting out
of fear, out of authority andout of like not have the patient
to navigate a discomfort anddysregulation that occurred.
Speaker 1 (54:07):
And I would say that kids, they are really smart when
it comes to these things.
I remember an incident where Iwas talking to my sister, my
siblings, and my daughter wasthere and I didn't realize that
she was there in the room withus and so I was telling them oh,
you know, the past weekend Diadid A, b and C, and you know,
and I was just talking about youknow, and it wasn't it wasn't
(54:28):
something bad, but it wasuncomfortable for my daughter.
So then later on, when we wenthome, she told me you know what,
mommy, I don't like how youtold auntie what happened.
You know, that was veryembarrassing and so it was
really uncomfortable for me.
But I had to sit with thatemotion and to you know realize.
I told her you know what, I'mso sorry that I did that Next
(54:49):
time I won't share, you know, ifyou don't want me to share
something.
So building that comfort andsafety for them, I think, is a
good way to start.
Speaker 3 (54:59):
Yeah, yeah, I think also the idea of making sure
that there's boundaries andrails and safety mechanisms they
build for themselves as much aswe build for them right.
And also we have to give themagency right.
Yeah, we have to give themagency right.
One thing I have been reallygood at and I think we kind of
(55:22):
have been talking about thisagain and I try to take whatever
we talk about and implement itin my life is that being able to
say hey, do you want to hug?
So-and-so, do you want to giveso-and-so a hug?
Do you want to say hi toso-and-so?
Hey, do you want to do this?
Hey, can I come in your room?
I know, you know.
Can I come in your room?
Hey, you know, can Sami sorryfor Nafi, can Sami borrow this
(55:47):
or can Yusuf borrow this?
So being able to give them theopportunity to say no, right,
right, and being comfortable tosay no and no it's not
necessarily always disrespectfulthat's giving them agency,
giving them Of course they knowthat they can't say yes, I'm
going to put my hand in the fireand I'm going to let them know
that's not going to happen, youknow.
But just giving them thatlittle like with age, with with
(56:11):
every age, just giving them alittle bit more agency so that
they know, hey, my no is enough.
Or agency so that they know,hey, my no is enough.
I don't have to explain my no.
So next time someone challengestheir no, they feel comfortable
to be able to stand on that andsay no.
Being able to let them know,hey, you don't have to prove
things to people.
You know, making sure that againyour boundary and letting them
(56:33):
know why you have boundarieslike this right, religious
boundaries, cultural boundaries.
We don't do this becauseboundaries, cultural boundaries
we don't do this because of this.
We don't do this because allahsays this, because we're muslim,
because we're, because we'rethis and they, I, it's, it's
bigger than us, right, um, andbeing able to to put enough
(56:57):
context into those boundaries,into barriers that you know from
other people, and also likeletting them know that, hey, you
cannot and should not let otherpeople speak to you in a
certain way.
If you don't even like the wayI speak to you, you can have a
conversation with me about thatand I have to be okay with, like
(57:18):
you said, okay with whateveryou tell me and process it and
say, hey, I'm so sorry, you know, and so on and so forth, and I
think the other thing is, as alast point, is just to be
hypervigilant about peoplearound your kids, regardless of
how close you are to them,regardless of what relationship
they have.
Speaker 1 (57:41):
You are to them, regardless of what relationship
they have.
To be just to be aware, becausesometimes you know it is people
closest to you that have accessto your kids that do things to
them that do this to them.
Speaker 3 (57:49):
Yeah, like the biggest, you know the large
majority of essays.
Yeah, um, and happen becausethrough people that are known to
the, our children and also thathave that damage their
self-worth, that could damagetheir uh, you know, um, uh,
their self-esteem, confidence,because if you can do as much as
you can, but then every timethey encounter this person, if
(58:12):
they are calling them you knowout of their name, if they're
calling them such and such andyou you don't stand up for them,
yeah, then that I know a lot ofpeople that get uh color shamed
right, like uh colors orsomeone's big texture too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, all of thathair.
Speaker 4 (58:28):
You, just you just gave an example about a hair
texture between your twodaughters.
Speaker 3 (58:32):
I know but imagine someone saying that, like saying
, oh wow you, your hair is,whatever your hair is, or if she
would be so beautiful if shewasn't, so, you know, dark yeah,
I know I'm super like myantennas are all the way up.
Yeah, yeah, I'm always not evenjust about to my kids.
I don't want people to say thatabout themselves around my kids
(58:55):
or to another person around mykids.
Speaker 4 (58:58):
I'm really really like, yeah, cutthroat about that
so, basically, thank you somuch, you guys, and I think a
lot of things that we talkedabout today is basically trying
to have an open communication inus, in our household, within
our kids, and making sure thatwe create a safe space for them.
Um, in many aspects of it's likethe part of the resources I
(59:18):
would encourage our audience tolike read and read books, and
there is other resources outthere how to create a safe space
for one another in our home,and also understanding
boundaries and limitation thatkids needs and how do we clarify
that.
And being able to model someaspect of boundaries and the
(59:38):
boundaries itself does not seemto be like a form of disrespect
to you.
So kind of address that foryourself and if you are
triggered based on the commentsthat you do here in this episode
as well, please kind of takethe time to take care of
yourself.
I encourage anyone out there um, take care of understanding the
triggers that we are raised inand our family members and try
(01:00:02):
to unlearn some of the things sothat we can kind of create a
better, safe, understanding andcompassion state for one another
.
Speaker 1 (01:00:09):
so we we love our conversation today and we'll
talk about more definitely, likeas the whole essay thing we
definitely have to get into andchild grooming and you know,
know all of that.
So we will talk about it A lotof stuff.
Especially with all the stuffgoing on now.
Speaker 4 (01:00:25):
Yes, absolutely so.
Prioritize your self-care,prioritize yourself, prioritize
your kids, prioritize yourcommunity.
And thank you for listening.
This is a difficultconversation, see ya,
assalamualaikum.
Speaker 1 (01:00:40):
Listening.
This is difficult conversation.
See ya, assalamu alaikum.
Join the conversation in thecomment section or on our
instagram page to share with uswhat you think.
We do not have all the answersand our biggest goal is to kick
off and get the conversationgoing.
May allah accept our effortsand use us as catalysts for
change.
Speaker 4 (01:01:04):
MBC All relation to NBC.
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