March 25, 2024 • 26 mins
Ever find yourself climbing a ladder only to realize you're the one shaking it? Our latest heart-to-heart tackles that very conundrum, unraveling the perplexities of self-sabotage that often hold us back from seizing the life we yearn for.
We highlight the transformative power of therapy and a robust support network. We're passionate about the strength gained from shared experiences and the wisdom we share in these candid discussions. Our hope is to inspire you to carry these insights into your daily life, recognizing your worth and the legitimacy of your aspirations despite the obstacles you've encountered. Together, let's step off the shaky ladder and build a firmer foundation for our climbs.
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As always, please remember to keep innocent Gazans facing genocide in your duas! May Allah swt ease their burdens. Ameen.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Assalamu alaikum, welcome to Difficult
Conversations where we tackletaboo topics in a safe space
through empowerment andeducation.
The information on this podcastis for informational purposes
only and should not beconsidered professional.
Mental health advice.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Well, welcome back, ladies.
Today we're going to talk aboutself-sabotaging.
It's been the conversation thatwe are having by ourself, but
we just decided that we wantedto kind of get our audience to
be part of this conversationalso and talk about a little bit
why we do it, where does thisstem from, and how often do we
(00:43):
actually self-sabotage, and whatis our understanding around
self-sabotaging in general feelslike.
So am I just going to justthrow out a question for you two
ladies?
By the way, you guys arelooking really nice with that,
hijab.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Thank you, it was not planned.
That means the BL saved thegroup.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
She has a blue one and so yeah.
So I don't know, have you guysever self-sabotaged?
And what is your understandingof self-sabotaging?
And like, when did you noticelike you are doing it?
Speaker 1 (01:17):
I think I do it all the time Like I'll set a goal,
and then I remember listening tosomething once where the guy
was saying how we kind of inlife, like we kind of go through
peaks and valleys and stuff andso there's almost everybody has
like a threshold where you hit.
(01:38):
So once, say you're trying tochange your behavior or
something, then you go up thishill of change or whatever, and
then it gets reallyuncomfortable because it's, you
know, outside of your comfortzone and whatnot.
And then you start to dobehaviors because you almost
(01:59):
subconsciously you want to comeback to where you were, your
tolerance level, your tolerancelevel.
So I feel like and I've noticedthis a lot in like, even with
like with exercise, reading abook, like one of the goals that
I had in the beginning of theyear was like reading 30 minutes
a day or something.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Right.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
So it was good, like for a whole week I read you know
30 minutes a day, and then,like by the seventh day or
something, and I'm just like andthen something came up where,
like I had to do something formy kids or something, and then I
was like, oh okay, then I'll doit tomorrow.
Do it tomorrow.
Then tomorrow became seven daysthat I didn't read it.
Right Now I'm back to myoriginal of not reading at all.
(02:43):
So I feel like I do that a lotwith almost any any goal that
I've set.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
So when about you, Bonnie?
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Um, definitely, and for me, the I do two kinds of
self sabotage.
One is when it comes to likeI'm sure I'll set the goal
setting and then not meetingyour goal kind of, or maybe
setting too much of a goal, liketoo high of a bar for yourself
that you can't reach, orcrowding so much into one time
(03:16):
period that it's literallybecomes impossible for you to do
so, to be able to accomplisheverything at the same time.
And the second part is kind ofa little bit more internal,
right, like being able, likekind of not going for the job
that you deserve or like not notasking for the raise you
(03:37):
deserve ornot speaking up for yourself
when someone's crossing yourboundary or, um, you know, when
someone is being disrespectfuland not just letting them do
that, all of those things isanother aspect of like self
sabotage for me.
Um, but one the first aspect Ifeel like um, I was listening to
(03:58):
a podcast where this guy saidum, self, self, self, self, self
sabotage kind of comes from theidea that you stop, your body
stops trusting you, right?
So, um, for example, if youhave a friend and you tell your
friend I'm going to be at suchand such place, um, let's meet
(04:22):
up for coffee at eight o'clockor eight PM, right, and they
don't show up.
One day, you're like, okay,it's a full pop, uh, and then to
every day, for seven days, theydon't show up, right, at eight
o'clock, and then are, you'renot going to show up the eighth
day, or for some people, it'sjust the third day, you're there
(04:43):
, just not going to come, right?
So your body stops showing upfor you because you stop showing
up for them for it.
You stop showing up for it.
So your that your body stoppedshowing up for you.
So for, instead of so whathappens?
Is that, for example, for me,with gym, I say I'm going to go
to the gym every new year.
So my resolution is, like youknow, the gym membership starts
(05:07):
and I I'm going to go to the gym, and then I go for the week,
and then after that I drop off,right.
And then when I drop off, mybody's like, oh, okay, cool, and
then why am I getting up in themorning to go?
I'm not going to.
And then it starts making upexcuses to why I shouldn't go to
the gym, right, and then, sinceI'm not showing up, and since I
(05:28):
have a habit of not being ableto stay consistent, I start
giving myself excuses to not gothere.
I start like, oh, you know,tomorrow, or oh, you know, you
have other things to do.
Oh, you should just do thisinstead of that.
And then it's basically, itbecomes a hindrance on its own.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
I think the gym thing for me it's like I will work
out and then say, like I workout consistently, like three
days a week or whatever, butevery day after I work out I'll
probably eat like something withsuper high calorie.
Right, I was canceling out allthe calories that I lost, so
that's my biggest issue with thegym.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
Yeah, so generally self-sabotaging comes from like
self-defense, right Is yourcoping and your coping
mechanisms start fromself-sabotaging, and the way
that works is that you wanted tomake sure that there's sense of
safety within your body, so youintend to kind of limit the new
(06:30):
resistance that may come up.
So the consistent schedulesthat you're talking about when
you come to gym is like havingexpectations and perfectionism
and then again, with that,procrastinations, and all of
that stems from fear, becausewhat if I don't do well, what if
I fail, or what?
Speaker 1 (06:48):
if I do do well.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
Exactly, exactly.
So.
Instead, what am I going to do?
I'm going to create a barriersthat would be able to make me
stay where I'm at right now,because the resistance feels
uncomfortable.
Speaker 3 (07:01):
Yeah, or even the idea of that.
It's bad, because I actuallyused to say this for a very long
time.
I used to say, okay, you know,when I write a book, that book
is going to be successful, it'sgoing to be epic, it's going to
be like the New York Timesbestseller.
So I would write a manuscriptand then when I get to like page
(07:23):
100, I have like, I think bythe time I graduated college I
had like about 50 manuscriptsthat were at least 100 pages or
less and I would be like thefear of me not finishing that,
like the fear of my book notbeing what I want it to be, like
not making that goal.
What if it?
Like?
What if I finish this book andit doesn't do well and they find
(07:48):
it in the dollar store in theclearance section, right?
So I'm literally why are youwriting like that?
Sorry, I'm doing this on canvasbecause of Bruxy.
I'm so stressed, and the clericsliterally.
Have you guys seen books in thedollar store?
Yeah, like their book.
So I was like what is it?
Speaker 1 (08:03):
You should stop going to books at the dollar store.
Speaker 3 (08:05):
I don't go to the dollar store for books.
I'm just saying there are booksthere that others slaved on.
So I, I, I.
That's quite a story, bonnie.
I literally just don't finishthem and then, but I don't, I
don't.
My reasoning when I stopwriting is not that, oh, it's
going to end up at the dollarstore.
That's the bigger fear.
The what I will tell myself isthat, oh, you know, you're just
(08:28):
right.
Tomorrow, oh, maybe the storyneeds a little bit of, maybe
it's a little overdone, maybethis has been there before, but
so I come up with all theseexcuses so that my big fear
never happens.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Right Of, like my book not succeeding, or, for
example, for the gym situationwith me it's.
My big fear is that I'm nevergoing to lose the weight or I'm
never going to get the body thatI want.
So I rather make up excuses tonot going to the gym so I can
tell myself that, oh, if I didgo to the gym and eat healthy, I
will be, I'll get my body backRight.
(09:01):
So so I don't go to the gym andeat healthy and I'll just still
live in that fantasy of like,if I did want to, I could but I
won't.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
I think one of the things that we're doing here and
having this conversation thatwill help, is building the
awareness you know of, likeactually recognizing that this
is what you do, because I feellike a lot of times not just
these situations and orinstances that we've pointed out
, but there's probably hundredsof other situations where we are
(09:32):
self sabotaging that we don'teven know about, and I think
that's more dangerous thananything else.
Speaker 3 (09:39):
For example, going to work late all the time.
People that show up to likelate all the time, most of the
time that's a form of selfsabotage, because they know that
if they get up early if theyeven get up early.
Yeah, um, even if they get up,or people that fail classes,
it's not because of a lack ofpotential or the lack of
intelligence.
Sometimes it's because theydon't feel like they are worthy
(10:04):
of that grade.
They don't feel like they'reworthy, worthy of that job that
they have or the potential ofgetting, like the raise or the
promotion or whatever the caseis.
So they sabotage or they wantit so bad right that they don't
want to fail at getting thatthing or another.
Something different, other thanthe fear of not getting it, is
(10:26):
that somebody has told you atsome point that you value that
you can't.
Yeah, you're not going to do it, you're not going to be able to
make it.
So that voice is unconsciouslyringing in your head telling you
you're not going to do it,you're not going to be that
person, you're not going to makeit, you're not going to be
smart, you're not smart, you'renew, you're not going to be that
(10:46):
person.
Right that you do.
But you end up doing so becauseyou are like, oh, I don't want
it.
I don't want that person tothink that I'm not going to be
successful.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
Right, so I'm just not going to try.
So if I don't try, I don't fail.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
It's a safety mechanism, right?
Yeah, how do I feel safe in mybody instead of not putting my
body under stress?
Right?
And if I put my body understress, that means that I'm also
recognizing that I have ahigher limit to do more things.
And though, in the aspect ofyour window of tolerance and you
know, self sabotaging is tostay, not to make you feel
(11:26):
resisting to that and usually wedo it out of fear, out of fear
of even the idea ofprocrastination when it come to
work, right, or procrastinationsor perfectionism.
This has to be perfect, right?
And that level of pressure,perfectionism, is going to be
like a very high mountain ofidea in your head, like, oh, if
(11:47):
I, in order for me to do X, yand Z, I have to have the right
camera, or I have to have theright lens, I have to have the
right equipment, I have to havethe right lighting, the right
location, the right.
All of this reason is yourselfself-sabotaging in order for it
to not happen, because then,even if you have all those
equipment available, you'll findanother reason not to do it.
Speaker 3 (12:09):
How many of you guys have waited for your Amazon
delivery to go to the gym, like,be like.
Oh, I need a brand new shoes,or a brand new gym clothes, or
we like.
Or to go shop, oh, I have to.
I mean, I need, I need to like,eat healthy.
I have to go grocery shopping,yeah, and then I'll start eating
healthy, yeah.
Or, oh, I have to study, I needa brand new pencil.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
Yeah, I think with the eating healthy part I'm
always like but eating healthyso plain and eating healthy
doesn't taste good.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
Yeah, you know yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Every time, like I eat a salad or whatever, I'm not
full.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
Yeah.
So I'm like no, this is notfood.
I know that we're talking a lotabout.
Speaker 3 (12:53):
Nutrition and, like German, workout and body and
kind of a little bit touching onbody image.
I just want to make sure thatif this is a triggering
conversation for you and if youhave an issue with body image
and you know, eating andnutrition, no conversations
please.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
You know, take a minute and this is take care of
yourself.
Speaker 3 (13:13):
But self-sabotage shows up in a lot of different
ways, for example, in a moreserious manner, when it comes to
relationships.
Right when, when you're tryingto Either be in a relationship
or when you're already in ourrelationship and you don't feel
worthy of, I think, like yousaid, to have a, it comes.
The source of it all isworthiness, and you are
(13:35):
consistently tryingUnconsciously trying to prove
yourself that you're not worthyof the thing that you have, or
the thing that you want.
So in relationships it shows upby either Gaslighting your
partner, or it either shows upby, you know, taking an argument
that could have been justsimple and that could have just
been, you know, a simpleconversation Into some,
(13:59):
expanding it and exploding itinto something bigger that it
didn't need to be, becauseyou're trying to get your
partner to say you're not worthy.
You're trying to get yourpartner to leave Because you
already think that they're goingto leave anyway.
So at least you want to havesome control over the way they
leave, or you know.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
So kind of recognizing, picking.
Here's a big one and and sorryfor interrupting you there when
you hot, when you talk aboutrelationship, it's like picking
somebody who you don't feelattracted to and then you're
like Inshallah, they'll grow onme, so let me just be continued
myself to this.
And then when you feel likethey say something About your
(14:36):
sub that you already feel aboutyourself, like see, that's why,
that's why this didn't work out,but you didn't take the step
back to evaluate your knees andyou want and like, look for
somebody who meets your knees inthat level, but you aim low.
So you know you can point afinger saying, well, I did it.
Yeah, like it's like a beingnice, you know when you know
(14:56):
you're not being asked for, butyou're like doing as a
transactional thing, Right that,and then you do it.
And then another aspect when itcomes to relationship is like
Talking to people but then, likewhen they give you full
attention, you pulling back you,yeah, yeah like you're like Now
you're giving me too muchattention.
Yeah and then, when they don't,you're like why you're not
(15:17):
giving me enough attention?
Speaker 3 (15:19):
Yeah, and you know how you are talking about, like
Picking a person that is like,not the person that you want,
but the opposite is also true.
Yeah picking a person that isway out of your league.
Yeah right, like way, way outof your league that you that
person like, whatever.
So you're like, oh, I want thatand I don't get that, you know,
(15:42):
and I'm not happy and I'msingle because I don't get that.
So you're consistently provingyourself and, like you go after
guys that are not interested inyou.
You fall in love with peoplethat Emotionally unavailable,
unavailable totally, becausethey're married or they have
their own thing going on or theyjust don't like you.
How many?
Speaker 1 (16:01):
girls do you know?
Actually never thought aboutthat as a self-sabotaging
behavior, but that makes a lotof sense.
Speaker 3 (16:07):
Yeah, how many girls do you know that are that fall
completely head over heels inlove with people that have never
been nice to them or that Don'tthat have not, they've never
even talked to.
You know that I'm hard song.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
There's the song that is like that I think it goes
for guys too.
How, like, though, the ladythat is mean to you or whatever,
or like, is pushing back up, sothey're worthy of that, then
you run after you, run afterthem.
Yeah, so the nice mesquine one,yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:37):
I'm curious now.
No, there's this I'm hard song.
It's called it's.
It's this girl.
She like literally has thisfriend and this guy in college
that she's in love with and it'slike she sends her best friend
to like go talk to him.
It's a two-part song.
It was like in the 90s and theyfall in love.
No, he ends up having agirlfriend but like he literally
(16:59):
never talks to her.
He's standing in an elevatorand he doesn't even hold the
elevator door open for her andshe's like running to him.
Oh man, that's gonna come to mewhen I'm driving home.
Yeah for sure.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
I was gonna say that storyline sounds familiar.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
Literally a solicited love in romantic movies, where
the guy goes after this girlthat has never been interested
in him, or the girl goes afterthe guy that's never interested
in her, or the best friend fallsin love with the best friend.
That's like into someone elseand he's pining over her, or
she's pining over him, and thenthey come and they fall in love
and the person finallyrecognizes oh it's been you this
whole time and you know.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
But it's not.
It's our way of protectingourselves honestly, it's our way
that we don't have to feel thepain in the herd.
And going back to our previousepisode that we did about people
pleasing and self-sabotaging iskind of interlinked because
they're like brothers andsisters in the same aspect of it
, because the stem of peoplepleasing come from
(17:55):
self-sabotaging and so you'realready people pleasing and so
it's like what are you gonna doto kind of make sure that you
don't feel you're worthy ofanything?
You don't feel worthy of thejob, the relationship, the
partnership, the lifestyle,Unless you recognize your
self-steams are not fully in theit's on a shaky ground.
So you have to reevaluate yourself-esteem.
(18:15):
You have to evaluate yourself-worthiness Like I'm worthy
for this, I'm worthy for that,and the fear that stems in this
process.
Where did it come from?
Who told me that I wasn'tworthy?
And then what situation, whichsometimes not even it's not.
Sometimes not even your parents, not even your family.
It's like a school, it's like afriend.
(18:35):
I found this on sorry.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, are you okay?
Sorry, it was so hard to payattention to anything that was
being said I'm sorry, I can't goaway, I can't be serious.
Speaker 3 (18:51):
No, oh, wait.
Okay, what is the name?
Speaker 1 (18:53):
of this song.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
I don't know what the name is Eski Malabayi.
Do you speak O'Hare?
Speaker 2 (18:59):
I don't speak O'Hare.
Okay what does it?
Speaker 3 (19:01):
mean she's begging her friend.
She's like Eski Malabayi EmojiNgaradagay.
She's saying help me, my friend, like go talk to this guy for
me and tell him how I feel,because I'm in love with him.
And she's like yeah, anyway,sorry, I found the song.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
I have no idea what I'm saying now no, no, it's okay
.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
I think that should be definitely him there and now
you're good now we found thesong.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
Yes, we found the song.
Okay, sounds good Okay nowyou'd have to repeat all of what
you said, I'm all yours.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
I don't remember what I said.
Do you audience?
Okay?
Okay, I basically was sayingself-sabotage means stem from
fear and self-worthiness andthen as well as self-esteem.
If you don't feel you arecertain ways, certain aspects of
it, the way you think ofyourself in your head, if that's
not what you feel like you are,you intend to project that in
(19:59):
the world.
You tend to project that in thesocial interactions and
whatever that may be is so yeah,pretty much that's what I was
thinking.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
I think it also goes back to what I said earlier
about like raising awareness,right, having the self-awareness
to be like, okay, in whatsituations do I self-sabotage?
And if you are trying toachieve a goal or trying to do
something and you just can't goover it or you just can't get
(20:28):
past something, and whenever youhit a wall you always come back
and you seem like you'restarting from square one all
over again, then it's on you tobe like, okay, what internal
work do I have to do?
What things do I have to do sothat I'm not in the situation
again?
So, first doing theself-awareness, writing it down,
(20:49):
and then taking action.
Because I think in situationswhere me personally, I'm like,
okay, I'm not, there's fear,there's so much stories that
I've built up in my head.
Once I just get over that anddo the first thing, it gets a
lot easier to accomplish a lotof the things, and taking action
(21:11):
can be as easy as making a list.
I don't know if you guys liketo do lists or whatever.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
I don't think in the season.
I've said it therapy, therapy,yeah, therapy, and if you mess
up, that's okay.
If you mess up again, that'sokay.
If you mess up the third,fourth, fifth time, sixth time,
seventh time, I think the pointis for you to move through those
resistance once you are at thepath and it gets easier every
time.
Yes and that's okay.
Nothing is ever gonna be amistake or a failure if you just
(21:43):
keep trying.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
And I guarantee you, 99% of the time nobody's
noticing.
That's so true.
You know what I mean.
I think we live, we go throughlife as if all cameras are on us
right, as if, like every littlething that you do, people are
gonna be like oh my God.
Speaker 3 (22:00):
Main characters in there.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Yeah, honestly, honestly.
But, you know, keep remindingyourself that nobody's paying
attention, and whether you thinkthat's kind of depressing, you
know, or it's a relief, for mepersonally it's a relief.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
I don't know I am paying attention, but I'm here
for you though.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Not in the sense of Not to everybody, not to every
person Right.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
I mean, whoever listened to this conversation.
I'm here for you and you'redoing great yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
And I think one thing I will say is that pay
attention to the bigger picture.
I think therapy helps with thatand that bigger question.
I think the things that feellike they're not connected,
they're the dots that feel likethey are sporadic and they're
not connected.
Oh, I'm failing at this.
Oh, I'm failing in school.
I'm not able to go to the gym,I'm not able to eat healthy, I'm
not able to, you know, show upto work on time.
(22:47):
I'm not able to have friendsbecause I sometimes, for some
reason, always disappoint myfriends or fall short or
whatever the case is.
All of those dots are connectedto one big thing.
What is that one big thing foryou?
Is it someone else that at somepoint has told you that you
don't deserve these things?
Are you telling yourself thesethings?
What are you really afraid of?
Sit down and have this bigquestion Like what is my big
(23:14):
fear?
Like what is the big story herethat I'm telling myself the big
picture, and why am I usingthese colors?
To you know, to fill it in andif you figure out this big
picture?
Yeah, if you figure out thisbig picture.
Then you're able to saywhenever this little, seemingly
(23:34):
unconnected dots pop up in yourlife, when you stop showing up
for yourself, you tell yourself,oh, this big picture is a
stopping me.
This big conversation that I'mhaving internally with myself is
the one that's stopping me.
Oh, I'm not showing up to thegym.
It's not because I'm tired,it's not because I have shit to
do.
It's because of this bigpicture of my fear of progress,
(23:55):
or my fear of failure, or myaunt that told me, or my sister
that told me, or my mom thattold me, or my dad that told me
that I'm not gonna.
Whatever the case is, that'swhy I'm not showing up.
So let me go back, take a stepback, reevaluate and then okay,
now let me make it in a timethat's actually comfortable for
(24:15):
me.
And that is possible for me todo what I need to do.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
Yeah, and I think it takes a lot of inner work.
Right, it's not?
It's not something that you canchange overnight.
It's not something that like,okay, now you're aware of it,
you've wrote it down, and thenwhat?
And like, like Habbi said, it'sgonna take you going through it
, constantly failing, gettingback up, failing and getting
back up.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
And.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
I think you just have to do the work honestly.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
Yep, and I think so so every day, every day, every
hour.
Yeah, so, yeah, to wrap up SadlySadly it is to wrap up this
conversation I would say youknow, like Bonnie said, therapy
is definitely a way to gobecause you're kind of
deconstructing a lot of yourlife experiences that brought
you to that point and it's okayto fail.
(25:04):
Please fail as hard as you can,as long as you have support
system that will help you pickyou up.
And, if not, just know that wehere are supporting you in your
journey and the things that youare working towards and you are
deserving.
Just know that, like,regardless what happened to you
(25:25):
in the past, you are definitelydeserving because if you have
there's desire, you're deservingfor whatever accomplishment
that you're trying to reach.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
Because a lot of people put that in your heart
for a reason.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
Exactly so.
To kind of say that if any ofour conversation continues to be
helpful for you I think it'sjust our way to kind of start
conversation is for you tofigure out how can I be using
this information to be helpingmyself and to better my life and
to better myself so that I amflourishing in areas that I'm
kind of preventing myself fromto do so.
Speaker 3 (25:57):
So thank you, this has been difficult conversations
.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
Join the conversation in the comment section or on
our social media pages.
We do not have all the answers,and our biggest goal is to kick
off the conversation and get itstarted.
May Allah SWT accept ourefforts and use this for
catalysts of change.
Assalamu alaikum, welcome to Difficult
Conversations where we tackletaboo topics in a safe space
through empowerment andeducation.
The information on this podcastis for informational purposes
only and should not beconsidered professional.
Mental health advice.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
Well, welcome back, ladies.
Today we're going to talk aboutself-sabotaging.
It's been the conversation thatwe are having by ourself, but
we just decided that we wantedto kind of get our audience to
be part of this conversationalso and talk about a little bit
why we do it, where does thisstem from, and how often do we
(00:43):
actually self-sabotage, and whatis our understanding around
self-sabotaging in general feelslike.
So am I just going to justthrow out a question for you two
ladies?
By the way, you guys arelooking really nice with that,
hijab.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Thank you, it was not planned.
That means the BL saved thegroup.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
She has a blue one and so yeah.
So I don't know, have you guysever self-sabotaged?
And what is your understandingof self-sabotaging?
And like, when did you noticelike you are doing it?
Speaker 1 (01:17):
I think I do it all the time Like I'll set a goal,
and then I remember listening tosomething once where the guy
was saying how we kind of inlife, like we kind of go through
peaks and valleys and stuff andso there's almost everybody has
like a threshold where you hit.
(01:38):
So once, say you're trying tochange your behavior or
something, then you go up thishill of change or whatever, and
then it gets reallyuncomfortable because it's, you
know, outside of your comfortzone and whatnot.
And then you start to dobehaviors because you almost
(01:59):
subconsciously you want to comeback to where you were, your
tolerance level, your tolerancelevel.
So I feel like and I've noticedthis a lot in like, even with
like with exercise, reading abook, like one of the goals that
I had in the beginning of theyear was like reading 30 minutes
a day or something.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Right.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
So it was good, like for a whole week I read you know
30 minutes a day, and then,like by the seventh day or
something, and I'm just like andthen something came up where,
like I had to do something formy kids or something, and then I
was like, oh okay, then I'll doit tomorrow.
Do it tomorrow.
Then tomorrow became seven daysthat I didn't read it.
Right Now I'm back to myoriginal of not reading at all.
(02:43):
So I feel like I do that a lotwith almost any any goal that
I've set.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
So when about you, Bonnie?
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Um, definitely, and for me, the I do two kinds of
self sabotage.
One is when it comes to likeI'm sure I'll set the goal
setting and then not meetingyour goal kind of, or maybe
setting too much of a goal, liketoo high of a bar for yourself
that you can't reach, orcrowding so much into one time
(03:16):
period that it's literallybecomes impossible for you to do
so, to be able to accomplisheverything at the same time.
And the second part is kind ofa little bit more internal,
right, like being able, likekind of not going for the job
that you deserve or like not notasking for the raise you
(03:37):
deserve ornot speaking up for yourself
when someone's crossing yourboundary or, um, you know, when
someone is being disrespectfuland not just letting them do
that, all of those things isanother aspect of like self
sabotage for me.
Um, but one the first aspect Ifeel like um, I was listening to
(03:58):
a podcast where this guy saidum, self, self, self, self, self
sabotage kind of comes from theidea that you stop, your body
stops trusting you, right?
So, um, for example, if youhave a friend and you tell your
friend I'm going to be at suchand such place, um, let's meet
(04:22):
up for coffee at eight o'clockor eight PM, right, and they
don't show up.
One day, you're like, okay,it's a full pop, uh, and then to
every day, for seven days, theydon't show up, right, at eight
o'clock, and then are, you'renot going to show up the eighth
day, or for some people, it'sjust the third day, you're there
(04:43):
, just not going to come, right?
So your body stops showing upfor you because you stop showing
up for them for it.
You stop showing up for it.
So your that your body stoppedshowing up for you.
So for, instead of so whathappens?
Is that, for example, for me,with gym, I say I'm going to go
to the gym every new year.
So my resolution is, like youknow, the gym membership starts
(05:07):
and I I'm going to go to the gym, and then I go for the week,
and then after that I drop off,right.
And then when I drop off, mybody's like, oh, okay, cool, and
then why am I getting up in themorning to go?
I'm not going to.
And then it starts making upexcuses to why I shouldn't go to
the gym, right, and then, sinceI'm not showing up, and since I
(05:28):
have a habit of not being ableto stay consistent, I start
giving myself excuses to not gothere.
I start like, oh, you know,tomorrow, or oh, you know, you
have other things to do.
Oh, you should just do thisinstead of that.
And then it's basically, itbecomes a hindrance on its own.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
I think the gym thing for me it's like I will work
out and then say, like I workout consistently, like three
days a week or whatever, butevery day after I work out I'll
probably eat like something withsuper high calorie.
Right, I was canceling out allthe calories that I lost, so
that's my biggest issue with thegym.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
Yeah, so generally self-sabotaging comes from like
self-defense, right Is yourcoping and your coping
mechanisms start fromself-sabotaging, and the way
that works is that you wanted tomake sure that there's sense of
safety within your body, so youintend to kind of limit the new
(06:30):
resistance that may come up.
So the consistent schedulesthat you're talking about when
you come to gym is like havingexpectations and perfectionism
and then again, with that,procrastinations, and all of
that stems from fear, becausewhat if I don't do well, what if
I fail, or what?
Speaker 1 (06:48):
if I do do well.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
Exactly, exactly.
So.
Instead, what am I going to do?
I'm going to create a barriersthat would be able to make me
stay where I'm at right now,because the resistance feels
uncomfortable.
Speaker 3 (07:01):
Yeah, or even the idea of that.
It's bad, because I actuallyused to say this for a very long
time.
I used to say, okay, you know,when I write a book, that book
is going to be successful, it'sgoing to be epic, it's going to
be like the New York Timesbestseller.
So I would write a manuscriptand then when I get to like page
(07:23):
100, I have like, I think bythe time I graduated college I
had like about 50 manuscriptsthat were at least 100 pages or
less and I would be like thefear of me not finishing that,
like the fear of my book notbeing what I want it to be, like
not making that goal.
What if it?
Like?
What if I finish this book andit doesn't do well and they find
(07:48):
it in the dollar store in theclearance section, right?
So I'm literally why are youwriting like that?
Sorry, I'm doing this on canvasbecause of Bruxy.
I'm so stressed, and the clericsliterally.
Have you guys seen books in thedollar store?
Yeah, like their book.
So I was like what is it?
Speaker 1 (08:03):
You should stop going to books at the dollar store.
Speaker 3 (08:05):
I don't go to the dollar store for books.
I'm just saying there are booksthere that others slaved on.
So I, I, I.
That's quite a story, bonnie.
I literally just don't finishthem and then, but I don't, I
don't.
My reasoning when I stopwriting is not that, oh, it's
going to end up at the dollarstore.
That's the bigger fear.
The what I will tell myself isthat, oh, you know, you're just
(08:28):
right.
Tomorrow, oh, maybe the storyneeds a little bit of, maybe
it's a little overdone, maybethis has been there before, but
so I come up with all theseexcuses so that my big fear
never happens.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Right Of, like my book not succeeding, or, for
example, for the gym situationwith me it's.
My big fear is that I'm nevergoing to lose the weight or I'm
never going to get the body thatI want.
So I rather make up excuses tonot going to the gym so I can
tell myself that, oh, if I didgo to the gym and eat healthy, I
will be, I'll get my body backRight.
(09:01):
So so I don't go to the gym andeat healthy and I'll just still
live in that fantasy of like,if I did want to, I could but I
won't.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
I think one of the things that we're doing here and
having this conversation thatwill help, is building the
awareness you know of, likeactually recognizing that this
is what you do, because I feellike a lot of times not just
these situations and orinstances that we've pointed out
, but there's probably hundredsof other situations where we are
(09:32):
self sabotaging that we don'teven know about, and I think
that's more dangerous thananything else.
Speaker 3 (09:39):
For example, going to work late all the time.
People that show up to likelate all the time, most of the
time that's a form of selfsabotage, because they know that
if they get up early if theyeven get up early.
Yeah, um, even if they get up,or people that fail classes,
it's not because of a lack ofpotential or the lack of
intelligence.
Sometimes it's because theydon't feel like they are worthy
(10:04):
of that grade.
They don't feel like they'reworthy, worthy of that job that
they have or the potential ofgetting, like the raise or the
promotion or whatever the caseis.
So they sabotage or they wantit so bad right that they don't
want to fail at getting thatthing or another.
Something different, other thanthe fear of not getting it, is
(10:26):
that somebody has told you atsome point that you value that
you can't.
Yeah, you're not going to do it, you're not going to be able to
make it.
So that voice is unconsciouslyringing in your head telling you
you're not going to do it,you're not going to be that
person, you're not going to makeit, you're not going to be
smart, you're not smart, you'renew, you're not going to be that
(10:46):
person.
Right that you do.
But you end up doing so becauseyou are like, oh, I don't want
it.
I don't want that person tothink that I'm not going to be
successful.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
Right, so I'm just not going to try.
So if I don't try, I don't fail.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
It's a safety mechanism, right?
Yeah, how do I feel safe in mybody instead of not putting my
body under stress?
Right?
And if I put my body understress, that means that I'm also
recognizing that I have ahigher limit to do more things.
And though, in the aspect ofyour window of tolerance and you
know, self sabotaging is tostay, not to make you feel
(11:26):
resisting to that and usually wedo it out of fear, out of fear
of even the idea ofprocrastination when it come to
work, right, or procrastinationsor perfectionism.
This has to be perfect, right?
And that level of pressure,perfectionism, is going to be
like a very high mountain ofidea in your head, like, oh, if
(11:47):
I, in order for me to do X, yand Z, I have to have the right
camera, or I have to have theright lens, I have to have the
right equipment, I have to havethe right lighting, the right
location, the right.
All of this reason is yourselfself-sabotaging in order for it
to not happen, because then,even if you have all those
equipment available, you'll findanother reason not to do it.
Speaker 3 (12:09):
How many of you guys have waited for your Amazon
delivery to go to the gym, like,be like.
Oh, I need a brand new shoes,or a brand new gym clothes, or
we like.
Or to go shop, oh, I have to.
I mean, I need, I need to like,eat healthy.
I have to go grocery shopping,yeah, and then I'll start eating
healthy, yeah.
Or, oh, I have to study, I needa brand new pencil.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
Yeah, I think with the eating healthy part I'm
always like but eating healthyso plain and eating healthy
doesn't taste good.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
Yeah, you know yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Every time, like I eat a salad or whatever, I'm not
full.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
Yeah.
So I'm like no, this is notfood.
I know that we're talking a lotabout.
Speaker 3 (12:53):
Nutrition and, like German, workout and body and
kind of a little bit touching onbody image.
I just want to make sure thatif this is a triggering
conversation for you and if youhave an issue with body image
and you know, eating andnutrition, no conversations
please.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
You know, take a minute and this is take care of
yourself.
Speaker 3 (13:13):
But self-sabotage shows up in a lot of different
ways, for example, in a moreserious manner, when it comes to
relationships.
Right when, when you're tryingto Either be in a relationship
or when you're already in ourrelationship and you don't feel
worthy of, I think, like yousaid, to have a, it comes.
The source of it all isworthiness, and you are
(13:35):
consistently tryingUnconsciously trying to prove
yourself that you're not worthyof the thing that you have, or
the thing that you want.
So in relationships it shows upby either Gaslighting your
partner, or it either shows upby, you know, taking an argument
that could have been justsimple and that could have just
been, you know, a simpleconversation Into some,
(13:59):
expanding it and exploding itinto something bigger that it
didn't need to be, becauseyou're trying to get your
partner to say you're not worthy.
You're trying to get yourpartner to leave Because you
already think that they're goingto leave anyway.
So at least you want to havesome control over the way they
leave, or you know.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
So kind of recognizing, picking.
Here's a big one and and sorryfor interrupting you there when
you hot, when you talk aboutrelationship, it's like picking
somebody who you don't feelattracted to and then you're
like Inshallah, they'll grow onme, so let me just be continued
myself to this.
And then when you feel likethey say something About your
(14:36):
sub that you already feel aboutyourself, like see, that's why,
that's why this didn't work out,but you didn't take the step
back to evaluate your knees andyou want and like, look for
somebody who meets your knees inthat level, but you aim low.
So you know you can point afinger saying, well, I did it.
Yeah, like it's like a beingnice, you know when you know
(14:56):
you're not being asked for, butyou're like doing as a
transactional thing, Right that,and then you do it.
And then another aspect when itcomes to relationship is like
Talking to people but then, likewhen they give you full
attention, you pulling back you,yeah, yeah like you're like Now
you're giving me too muchattention.
Yeah and then, when they don't,you're like why you're not
(15:17):
giving me enough attention?
Speaker 3 (15:19):
Yeah, and you know how you are talking about, like
Picking a person that is like,not the person that you want,
but the opposite is also true.
Yeah picking a person that isway out of your league.
Yeah right, like way, way outof your league that you that
person like, whatever.
So you're like, oh, I want thatand I don't get that, you know,
(15:42):
and I'm not happy and I'msingle because I don't get that.
So you're consistently provingyourself and, like you go after
guys that are not interested inyou.
You fall in love with peoplethat Emotionally unavailable,
unavailable totally, becausethey're married or they have
their own thing going on or theyjust don't like you.
How many?
Speaker 1 (16:01):
girls do you know?
Actually never thought aboutthat as a self-sabotaging
behavior, but that makes a lotof sense.
Speaker 3 (16:07):
Yeah, how many girls do you know that are that fall
completely head over heels inlove with people that have never
been nice to them or that Don'tthat have not, they've never
even talked to.
You know that I'm hard song.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
There's the song that is like that I think it goes
for guys too.
How, like, though, the ladythat is mean to you or whatever,
or like, is pushing back up, sothey're worthy of that, then
you run after you, run afterthem.
Yeah, so the nice mesquine one,yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:37):
I'm curious now.
No, there's this I'm hard song.
It's called it's.
It's this girl.
She like literally has thisfriend and this guy in college
that she's in love with and it'slike she sends her best friend
to like go talk to him.
It's a two-part song.
It was like in the 90s and theyfall in love.
No, he ends up having agirlfriend but like he literally
(16:59):
never talks to her.
He's standing in an elevatorand he doesn't even hold the
elevator door open for her andshe's like running to him.
Oh man, that's gonna come to mewhen I'm driving home.
Yeah for sure.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
I was gonna say that storyline sounds familiar.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
Literally a solicited love in romantic movies, where
the guy goes after this girlthat has never been interested
in him, or the girl goes afterthe guy that's never interested
in her, or the best friend fallsin love with the best friend.
That's like into someone elseand he's pining over her, or
she's pining over him, and thenthey come and they fall in love
and the person finallyrecognizes oh it's been you this
whole time and you know.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
But it's not.
It's our way of protectingourselves honestly, it's our way
that we don't have to feel thepain in the herd.
And going back to our previousepisode that we did about people
pleasing and self-sabotaging iskind of interlinked because
they're like brothers andsisters in the same aspect of it
, because the stem of peoplepleasing come from
(17:55):
self-sabotaging and so you'realready people pleasing and so
it's like what are you gonna doto kind of make sure that you
don't feel you're worthy ofanything?
You don't feel worthy of thejob, the relationship, the
partnership, the lifestyle,Unless you recognize your
self-steams are not fully in theit's on a shaky ground.
So you have to reevaluate yourself-esteem.
(18:15):
You have to evaluate yourself-worthiness Like I'm worthy
for this, I'm worthy for that,and the fear that stems in this
process.
Where did it come from?
Who told me that I wasn'tworthy?
And then what situation, whichsometimes not even it's not.
Sometimes not even your parents, not even your family.
It's like a school, it's like afriend.
(18:35):
I found this on sorry.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, are you okay?
Sorry, it was so hard to payattention to anything that was
being said I'm sorry, I can't goaway, I can't be serious.
Speaker 3 (18:51):
No, oh, wait.
Okay, what is the name?
Speaker 1 (18:53):
of this song.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
I don't know what the name is Eski Malabayi.
Do you speak O'Hare?
Speaker 2 (18:59):
I don't speak O'Hare.
Okay what does it?
Speaker 3 (19:01):
mean she's begging her friend.
She's like Eski Malabayi EmojiNgaradagay.
She's saying help me, my friend, like go talk to this guy for
me and tell him how I feel,because I'm in love with him.
And she's like yeah, anyway,sorry, I found the song.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
I have no idea what I'm saying now no, no, it's okay
.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
I think that should be definitely him there and now
you're good now we found thesong.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
Yes, we found the song.
Okay, sounds good Okay nowyou'd have to repeat all of what
you said, I'm all yours.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
I don't remember what I said.
Do you audience?
Okay?
Okay, I basically was sayingself-sabotage means stem from
fear and self-worthiness andthen as well as self-esteem.
If you don't feel you arecertain ways, certain aspects of
it, the way you think ofyourself in your head, if that's
not what you feel like you are,you intend to project that in
(19:59):
the world.
You tend to project that in thesocial interactions and
whatever that may be is so yeah,pretty much that's what I was
thinking.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
I think it also goes back to what I said earlier
about like raising awareness,right, having the self-awareness
to be like, okay, in whatsituations do I self-sabotage?
And if you are trying toachieve a goal or trying to do
something and you just can't goover it or you just can't get
(20:28):
past something, and whenever youhit a wall you always come back
and you seem like you'restarting from square one all
over again, then it's on you tobe like, okay, what internal
work do I have to do?
What things do I have to do sothat I'm not in the situation
again?
So, first doing theself-awareness, writing it down,
(20:49):
and then taking action.
Because I think in situationswhere me personally, I'm like,
okay, I'm not, there's fear,there's so much stories that
I've built up in my head.
Once I just get over that anddo the first thing, it gets a
lot easier to accomplish a lotof the things, and taking action
(21:11):
can be as easy as making a list.
I don't know if you guys liketo do lists or whatever.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
I don't think in the season.
I've said it therapy, therapy,yeah, therapy, and if you mess
up, that's okay.
If you mess up again, that'sokay.
If you mess up the third,fourth, fifth time, sixth time,
seventh time, I think the pointis for you to move through those
resistance once you are at thepath and it gets easier every
time.
Yes and that's okay.
Nothing is ever gonna be amistake or a failure if you just
(21:43):
keep trying.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
And I guarantee you, 99% of the time nobody's
noticing.
That's so true.
You know what I mean.
I think we live, we go throughlife as if all cameras are on us
right, as if, like every littlething that you do, people are
gonna be like oh my God.
Speaker 3 (22:00):
Main characters in there.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Yeah, honestly, honestly.
But, you know, keep remindingyourself that nobody's paying
attention, and whether you thinkthat's kind of depressing, you
know, or it's a relief, for mepersonally it's a relief.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
I don't know I am paying attention, but I'm here
for you though.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Not in the sense of Not to everybody, not to every
person Right.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
I mean, whoever listened to this conversation.
I'm here for you and you'redoing great yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
And I think one thing I will say is that pay
attention to the bigger picture.
I think therapy helps with thatand that bigger question.
I think the things that feellike they're not connected,
they're the dots that feel likethey are sporadic and they're
not connected.
Oh, I'm failing at this.
Oh, I'm failing in school.
I'm not able to go to the gym,I'm not able to eat healthy, I'm
not able to, you know, show upto work on time.
(22:47):
I'm not able to have friendsbecause I sometimes, for some
reason, always disappoint myfriends or fall short or
whatever the case is.
All of those dots are connectedto one big thing.
What is that one big thing foryou?
Is it someone else that at somepoint has told you that you
don't deserve these things?
Are you telling yourself thesethings?
What are you really afraid of?
Sit down and have this bigquestion Like what is my big
(23:14):
fear?
Like what is the big story herethat I'm telling myself the big
picture, and why am I usingthese colors?
To you know, to fill it in andif you figure out this big
picture?
Yeah, if you figure out thisbig picture.
Then you're able to saywhenever this little, seemingly
(23:34):
unconnected dots pop up in yourlife, when you stop showing up
for yourself, you tell yourself,oh, this big picture is a
stopping me.
This big conversation that I'mhaving internally with myself is
the one that's stopping me.
Oh, I'm not showing up to thegym.
It's not because I'm tired,it's not because I have shit to
do.
It's because of this bigpicture of my fear of progress,
(23:55):
or my fear of failure, or myaunt that told me, or my sister
that told me, or my mom thattold me, or my dad that told me
that I'm not gonna.
Whatever the case is, that'swhy I'm not showing up.
So let me go back, take a stepback, reevaluate and then okay,
now let me make it in a timethat's actually comfortable for
(24:15):
me.
And that is possible for me todo what I need to do.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
Yeah, and I think it takes a lot of inner work.
Right, it's not?
It's not something that you canchange overnight.
It's not something that like,okay, now you're aware of it,
you've wrote it down, and thenwhat?
And like, like Habbi said, it'sgonna take you going through it
, constantly failing, gettingback up, failing and getting
back up.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
And.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
I think you just have to do the work honestly.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
Yep, and I think so so every day, every day, every
hour.
Yeah, so, yeah, to wrap up SadlySadly it is to wrap up this
conversation I would say youknow, like Bonnie said, therapy
is definitely a way to gobecause you're kind of
deconstructing a lot of yourlife experiences that brought
you to that point and it's okayto fail.
(25:04):
Please fail as hard as you can,as long as you have support
system that will help you pickyou up.
And, if not, just know that wehere are supporting you in your
journey and the things that youare working towards and you are
deserving.
Just know that, like,regardless what happened to you
(25:25):
in the past, you are definitelydeserving because if you have
there's desire, you're deservingfor whatever accomplishment
that you're trying to reach.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
Because a lot of people put that in your heart
for a reason.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
Exactly so.
To kind of say that if any ofour conversation continues to be
helpful for you I think it'sjust our way to kind of start
conversation is for you tofigure out how can I be using
this information to be helpingmyself and to better my life and
to better myself so that I amflourishing in areas that I'm
kind of preventing myself fromto do so.
Speaker 3 (25:57):
So thank you, this has been difficult conversations
.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
Join the conversation in the comment section or on
our social media pages.
We do not have all the answers,and our biggest goal is to kick
off the conversation and get itstarted.
May Allah SWT accept ourefforts and use this for
catalysts of change.
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