Relationship Q&A segment with Dr. Love

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Dr. Love joins Dimension to share biblical wisdom and practical tools for building healthy relationships and navigating communication pitfalls that couples commonly face.

• The importance of remembering why you fell in love when the novelty wears off
• Focusing on the 90% you love about your partner rather than the 10% you dislike
• Being intentional about creating time and space for your relationship
• Learning not to take your partner's personality as a personal attack
• Creating emotional safety by truly listening and repeating back what you heard
• Understanding the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation
• Implementing the "three-day rule" - after three days of conflict, dedicating 24 hours to loving on each other
• Practicing "I feel" statements rather than accusations during conflicts
• Recognizing when relationship issues stem from personal trauma requiring individual healing
• Surrendering relationship struggles to God rather than fighting in your own strength

If you're feeling hopeless in your relationship, don't throw in the towel. Take time to submerge yourself in God's presence and watch what He does in your spirit and home when you surrender your struggles to Him.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:17):
Well, welcome everybody to this special
edition of Dimension.
I'm so glad that you joined ustoday.
We have a very, very specialshow, but before you do anything
, I want you to like, subscribeand definitely share.
We're going to be talking aboutrelationships, as we said

(00:39):
earlier, and I know that I'mmissing somebody here.
I know that Pastor Jay isn'twith me, but I have a very, very
awesome guest with us today andI'm going to introduce him
already.
So why don't you come on in,okay, okay, okay?

(01:02):
The guests say keep going.
So we'll keep going until he'sready to come.
But one of the things that wewanted to do is talk about
relationships.
You know there's so many.
You know we have fun and we um,you know, joke around about
different things, but there areso many people, so many couples,
that need help andrelationships.

(01:23):
And it's amazing because itdoesn't matter if you just got
in it, you're one, two, threeyears or you're 50 years in, we
can always brush up on differentthings.
So that's what we want to dotonight, and we're going to be
talking about relationships.
We're going to kind of be goingdeep and then also too, and
we're going to be talking aboutrelationships, we're going to
kind of be going deep, and thenalso, too, we are going to be

(01:46):
answering questions live.
So if you have any questionsthat you'd like to send us, to
send our way, we'd love toanswer those questions for you.
Anything that you have on yourmind Maybe it's not you, maybe
it's somebody else, maybe you'reseeing somebody else in their
relationship struggle and you'dlike to ask for them definitely

(02:07):
do that.
One of the things, I think, forme, one of the biggest things,
is communication.
Communication, I think, alwaystrips up couples, and so we're
going to talk about some of thetools that will help you
navigate and journey throughsome of the communication
pitfalls, and we're going to bedoing this all from a biblical

(02:30):
perspective as well.
So are you ready, guests?
You ready to come on?
All right, grab yourself a padand pencil, because the love
doctor is about to speak.

(02:52):
Well, I hope you enjoyed seeingthat everybody.
So today, no further ado, wehave Dr Love in the house.
I love that.
I love that Dr Love in thehouse.
I love that.
I love that.
Dr Love.
Yeah, and you look good.

Speaker 2 (03:10):
Well, you know I had to bring it out for y'all.
I want to make sure if Dr Loveis going to show up, I can't
come with my regular stuff.
I got to come with my attireready to represent because Dr
Love is in the house and I'mready to make some house calls
and answer your questions.
So, listen, if you havequestions I need, you can type
them in the chat.
If you want, we'll get themright there on the chat.
However you want to do it, youcan still get ahold of us and

(03:31):
let us know any of yourquestions.
We're going to be askingquestions that have already come
in and we want to tackle someof yours.
So even while we're talking,you might have some questions.
If you throw them up there inthe chat, we'll be able to
answer your questions live, allright, y'all.
So Dr Love is in the house,y'all.
We putting in on this.

Speaker 1 (03:47):
All right, Well, listen.
So I just want to go through.
So we have Pastor Lynn is inthe house.
Pastor Lynn, we love you yeahman.
We have Melanie in the house.
Just saw her yesterday.
We love you.
So what do you think my husbandis going to say?

Speaker 2 (04:03):
Well, so what do you think my husband is going to say
?
Well, you know, it don't reallymatter what you don't tell him,
what happens in dimension staysin dimension Right, right, okay
, all right.

Speaker 1 (04:10):
Well, it'll stay here .
So I know you've got some goodstuff for me and for the people
that are going to be watching.
For sure, for sure, we're readyto go.

Speaker 2 (04:18):
Well, you, know a lot of people want to know about
relationship stuff.
That's something that's nearand dear to our heart.
We are really advocates ofbeing transparent and talking
about what we've gone through inour relationship, the things
that God has given to us.
Hopefully it'll be a blessingto a lot of you and that's kind
of why we're here.
So I'm excited to get in onthis stuff.
But listen, let us know whatyou want to know, because Dr

(04:39):
Love is ready to answer yourquestions.

Speaker 1 (04:42):
So also share Once again share like subscribe, let
somebody else, like you said,sharing let somebody else know,
um, you never know who needs it.
You know there's so many timesthat people are walking around
and you have no clue whatthey're going through.
You have no clue what they'vebeen through, um, so you don't

(05:02):
know how you sharing this willactually, in turn, be a blessing
to somebody else, so I'mexcited about getting in.

Speaker 2 (05:09):
And I have some questions.
Let's do this.
You know I'm ready.
Dr Love ain't never rattledy'all.
I ain't nothing to throw my waythat I.
There's no question too heavythat Dr Love cannot move.

Speaker 1 (05:20):
That's right.
Well, listen, before we getstarted.
It is customary on Dimensionsthat we always like to do a.
Would you rather segment?
So get ready, All right, so weare back, we're ready to do,

(05:44):
would you rather?
I don't think I've ever donethis part just with you.
We've done it with our guests,but I haven't done it with you,
no, so, and I haven't sharedthese questions with you either.
So are you ready?
I'm ready, all right, would yourather?
I'm just going to go right in.
Would you rather kiss for 15minutes or cuddle for two hours?

(06:09):
Are you ready for this?
Do you want the Dr?

Speaker 2 (06:14):
Love answer.
Or do you want the AnthonyGilbert, the husband, answer.

Speaker 1 (06:20):
I want whatever came to your mind first.
That's what I want.

Speaker 2 (06:24):
You know that's a tough one there.
It depends on what mood I'm in.
Okay, you know what.
That's what I want.
That's a tough one there.
It depends on what mood I'm in.
Okay, you know what I mean.
Sometimes I love a differentmood.

Speaker 1 (06:29):
You know what I'm saying.
It depends on what mood I'm in.

Speaker 2 (06:33):
Sometimes that cuddling can lead to the kissing
.

Speaker 1 (06:39):
Sometimes the kissing can lead to the cuddling.

Speaker 2 (06:41):
I think it all just depends on what type of mood I'm
in.
I don't know if it's would Irather have, but it's a choice
for the rest of my life.
Would I rather cuddle for twohours or kiss for 15 minutes?
Man, I think I'd take a kiss,because you can cuddle when you
kiss.

Speaker 1 (06:57):
So I'll take that, so you can do both, yeah you can't
kiss that I'm going to tell youright now.
There is nothing better thancoming home after church,
cuddling, laying on the couchchanging your clothes, god moves
into church.

Speaker 2 (07:09):
Oh, I know right, talking about what God did.

Speaker 1 (07:11):
Isn't that great.
You ever see that commercialwhere they come home it's not a
commercial, it's a meme.
It's a real, I think a real ora meme or something like that,
where they come home from churchand they just strip all their
clothes off and they're ready togo.
They change their clothes.
They don't strip their clothesoff, but they change their
clothes off so quick.
That's what I love.

Speaker 2 (07:34):
I love that.
And then you take that nicelittle Melody, put something in
there.
The cuddling definitely,because everything else follows
after cuddling.

Speaker 1 (07:40):
Go ahead, melody.
So there you go, that's right.

Speaker 2 (07:45):
But you have to pick, though.
That's the only thing, Melanie.
You have to pick between youwant only cuddling or you want
kissing.
That's the whole purpose ofWould you Rather?
Yeah, would you Rather, so youcan't lead into other things and
have your cake and eat it too.
That's why I was saying I cankiss you, but I can cuddle with
you while I'm kissing.
That's right you.

(08:09):
What would you that arewatching?
What would you choose?
Would you choose the 15 minutesof kissing?

Speaker 1 (08:11):
but I guess you should be a good kisser, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I was gonna mention aboutthat.

Speaker 2 (08:13):
But I'm gonna get myself in trouble.
I'm just gonna say it what?
Go ahead.
No, I want to know too.
Like, see, I don't know abouty'all if I'm kissing.
I want, you know, I want a kiss.
Don't call me this stuff here.
You know what I mean.
I mean I want the kiss, I want,I want them soup coolers.
You know I'm saying that's whatI'm looking for.
Dr love likes the soup coolers,y'all yeah, come on somebody.

(08:33):
Y'all know what I'm talkingabout.

Speaker 1 (08:35):
All right, so, oh, so okay.
Cuddling physical touch goesfurther.
All right, so okay.
Second one would you ratherrewind time to like 10 years
before you met me, so that wecould know each other longer, or
would you prefer to spend moretime with me now?

Speaker 2 (08:57):
Yeah, I would say go back.
Okay, I would go back, knowingwhere we are now today there's a
lot of things I'd dodifferently.

Speaker 1 (09:04):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (09:04):
So I've learned a lot .
So if I was with you 10 yearsearlier, we talked about having
more kids, things like that Alot of things we do differently.
So I think for me, even if Ihave more time with you now, I
would rather have the earlieryears and be able to do some
things differently.

Speaker 1 (09:19):
Well, I think about your mom passing.
That too, and even the boyshaving an opportunity to meet
your mom and develop thatrelationship there, to rewind
For sure.
You know what I mean.

Speaker 2 (09:31):
Yeah without a doubt.

Speaker 1 (09:32):
Yeah, so that's good.
What would you rather Everybodythat's watching?
Would you rather rewind the 10years or spend time With the?

Speaker 2 (09:41):
person.
You're with the person thatyou're with now.

Speaker 1 (09:43):
Spend more.
All right, so let's move on.
Last one, would you rather?
Oh, I'm actually afraid to hearthis response, dr.

Speaker 2 (09:53):
Love's in the house, y'all I really am.

Speaker 1 (09:55):
I really am everybody .
I'm afraid to hear thisresponse.
Would you rather that I amalways on time or never upset?

Speaker 2 (10:08):
Oh, I take never upset, never upset.

Speaker 1 (10:11):
I knew you were going to say that I'll deal with the
time, because you know what.

Speaker 2 (10:13):
If you ain't on time, I can take my own car, but
being upset, I mean, that'ssomething else.

Speaker 1 (10:18):
Sometimes that takes time.

Speaker 2 (10:20):
Yeah, well, you can take that while you're in the
car you can drive, and that'lltake you to time to be able to
get through yourself.

Speaker 1 (10:26):
No I.
Yeah well, you can take thatwhile you're in the car you can
drive, and that'll take you totimes to be able to get through
yourself.
I would definitely take that,never upset.

Speaker 2 (10:28):
Ladies and gentlemen, whether you realize it or not,
I'm more serious and all thatand more detailed, but I do not
like drama.
I don't like drama, I don'tlike arguments, I don't like.
I know it's all part of life, Idon't run from it, but I'm one
of the people I like to keep thepeace in my home.
So, whatever it takes to keepthe peace in my house, I'll deal
with being late and, yeah, giveme that any day.

Speaker 1 (10:49):
Well, if I'm never upset, you can tell me anything
that you want.
Well not even just that, andI'll never get upset Just having
the peace.
Yeah, that is so importantno-transcript.
You want to have a place wherethere's peace and rest and you

(11:11):
can come home.

Speaker 2 (11:11):
Your home is your sanctuary, so for me that's
probably more important thananything else.

Speaker 1 (11:16):
Well, you know, I've heard it put this way no N-O God
, no N-O peace.
But then you know God, noN-O-P-E-C-E, but then you know
God, k-n-o-w.
You know peace and it is soimportant.
You don't want to give up yourpeace for anything or anybody,

(11:36):
because sometimes, when you giveit up, it is so hard to get
back.

Speaker 2 (11:52):
Sometimes you really have to fight, fight.
I just want to um mention that.
Um so, savannah, we love you.
Savannah, thank you for jumpingon with us more time now.
She said she's young, thoughshe's young 10 years ago what
would she been like?

Speaker 1 (11:57):
15?

Speaker 2 (11:58):
she's young, so that's easy you know, yeah, but
when you're like 48, you knowyou want to go back.
You want to go back.
That's a good point.
But that's good, though,savannah, we should ask you in
like 15 years what would yourather do?

Speaker 1 (12:08):
But that's good.
So you said more time, now wehave to be more intentional
about one on, and that's good.
We do.
We have to be more intentionalabout one on one time.
You know, I think about um.
You know, when you ask peoplehey, how are you doing?
What's going on?
I'm just busy.
I got so much going on.
You know, and before you knowit, you've missed so many

(12:30):
important milestones andexperiences in your life.
And I always say this you cannever go back.
You can never go back, youcan't.
You know, even though we'veasked this question and know we
had fun with it.
But you really can't rewind,you know.
So I encourage everybody tomake sure that you spend the

(12:53):
time with your family, you spendthe time with your loved ones,
you make sure that you have thatquality one-on-one time.
I know that things get busy,there's a lot going on in our
lives at times, but it is soimportant that we make sure that
we take the time and set itapart and don't let anything
come into that time and erupt it.

(13:13):
But we, you know.

Speaker 2 (13:15):
No doubt.
Hey, real quick.
I want to give a couple of theshout outs.
Tammy Lewis is watching usright now.
What's?

Speaker 1 (13:20):
up Tammy Hi, Tammy Good to see you.
And my man.

Speaker 2 (13:24):
Jordan, j Rivers, simpkins.

Speaker 1 (13:25):
Jordan, what's up, man?

Speaker 2 (13:27):
We're talking about relationships and I am Dr Love.
See, some of y'all don't know,this is my, what is it?
Your alter ego, as we want tocall it, Dr Love, and that's
what we're doing on this podcastepisode.
You are, we're answering yourquestions, uh, biblically.
However, from our experienceand everything else, those of
you that are in take a minuteright now like subscribe, follow

(13:49):
, do all that good stuff again.
So there's other people thatare going to hear it, because
we're about to get in on somegood stuff you have another
question, or are we good?

Speaker 1 (13:55):
We are good with the would you rather segment, so
we're going to get deep into therelationship questions.
But before we kind of go deep,I would love to know, and I want
everybody else to know how didyou come up with the name Dr
Love?
How did it come?
Did you come up with it?
Was it attached to you somehow?
What happened If?

Speaker 2 (14:14):
anybody should know the answer.
That should be you?

Speaker 1 (14:17):
Well, I do, but I want you to share it.
I want you to share it.

Speaker 2 (14:20):
The love power of Dr Love y'all.
Now on the real.
Actually, what happened?
I've always had a passion forrelationships and so I would be
on television sets and theywould call in about relationship
questions and they would alwaysjust appreciate the wisdom and
the advice and the insight thatI would have.
So they just started calling meDr Love and so I have that on

(14:43):
hard questions.
If you've watched that onCornerstone Television Network
on any of the daytime shows,whether it was Hope Today or
whether it was Unscripted Faithor all that, it's all carried
through with that.
And so Dr Love is kind of justsomething.
That kind of came to me frompeople.
People called me that so theysaid you should play off of that
.
So we're adding that twodimensions.
We're doing a special serieseven this Sunday in charge of

(15:06):
relationship part two, talkingabout how to show goodness in
relationship.
It's deeper than what you think.
It's not just well, how do I dosomething nice for them?
There's a whole lot more tothat.
So that's just something thatwe're going to play off and
being able to use that.
So at any time if you have aquestion, even if Dr Love is not
dressed up in his finest, Iwill always be here for you, and

(15:26):
so if you have questions thatyou want us to answer about
relationships, whetheranonymously or you want us to
know, just send them to us,because we're going to tackle
those questions.

Speaker 1 (15:34):
And you know, I really believe before I kind of
go into here I really believethat I see it, not even believe.
You see godly relationshipsunder attack.

Speaker 2 (15:44):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (15:45):
And I think it's so important to have the tools.
I remember somebody told meback in the day when they got
married I mean they're 40 yearsin at this point, almost 50,
actually almost 50 years in andthey said you know, their
marriage counseling was just.
They came into the pastor'soffice and the pastor said well,
you have a job, Praise God,Amen.
You have a job, Praise God,Amen.

(16:05):
You have a job, Praise God.
All right, You're good.
And that's how they were sentoff.

Speaker 2 (16:12):
I had a lady come to me not too long ago in our
church and said her premaritalcounseling the guy they were
having some issues getting intomarriage.
And then when they got married,sat down with their pastor,
said listen, don't worry, 90% ofall your problems can be
answered in the bedroom.
And I was sitting therethinking I said that is the
worst advice anybody can give.
Matter of fact, I tell peoplethis all the time if you don't

(16:32):
have true intimacy, thatmarriage bedroom is going to get
old really, really fast.
You ain't going to want to beintimate and have sex with
somebody you don't even want tobe around.
That's right and in thebeginning you might be able to
push beyond it, but over aperiod of time.
If you don't even want to bearound, that's right.
And in the beginning you mightbe able to push beyond it, but
over a period of time.
If you don't develop theintimacy, intimacy if you don't
develop and work through thosethings, I have found out what

(16:52):
makes the marriage bedroom somuch sweeter.
It's the ups and downs of therelationship, and what I mean by
that.
You have those times where youhit those down moments.
You're not getting along theway you should and you make a
decision to go deeper and you'reoff with one another and God
doesn't work in you and you comeback and you restore the
relationship and then there'sthis newfound love that you
didn't have before.

(17:13):
You just went through thattrial.
When you are in a relationshipand you go through trials and
you choose to stick it out, thelove goes deeper.
If you have two parties thatare willing to work on it, that
love goes deeper and deeper andthat's what renews and
rejuvenates your sex life.
It's not different positions,it's not how freaky you can be
and how much chocolate syrup yougot or something crazy.

(17:33):
I mean, you know, whatever itis.

Speaker 1 (17:36):
It's not any of that stuff.

Speaker 2 (17:37):
I can come up with all sorts of stuff that people
try to come up with.
Listen, I've been pastoring for30 years.
I have heard it all.
I have seen it all.
Nothing surprises me.
People try all these new things.
How do we spice up?
Many times, if you need yoursex life spiced up, a lot of
times there's other relationshipissues that you have.
They never all have a spicybedroom.
I mean, put some hot sauce inthere.

(18:00):
I mean, do what you got to doto make it fun and exciting.
But if you don't have thatintimacy emotionally, you can
forget about the physical stuff.
It's not.
It's going to get old prettyfast.

Speaker 1 (18:09):
No, that's so true.
Well, you know, I remember whenwe first, um, you know, started
dating and then, even in thefirst parts of our marriage, you
know, there was this noveltyand everything was just so new
and it was exciting.
We couldn't wait to get homefrom work and we'd stay up late,
even on the phone.

Speaker 2 (18:27):
We were dating until three four o'clock in the
morning and then go to work andthen still be excited about
talking again.

Speaker 1 (18:36):
You know what happens though.
You know you're five, 10, 15years in and the novelty
actually wears off.
And I know some of you knowexactly what I'm talking about.
The novelty wears off,complacency sets in.
You know the routine of packingkids' lunches, getting them to

(18:57):
school, church functions, youknow meetings and things of that
nature.
What happens when the sparkleaves.
How do you, how do you revivethat spark in that relationship
where people it's not like youare cohabitating?
You know what I mean.
But you can really regain thatspark back and I think a lot of

(19:20):
people they want that, butthey're so used to just doing
life you know what I meanOutside of having that
connection with their spouse.

Speaker 2 (19:33):
Well, I think the thing that you have to really
look at is when it comes tothese relationship and things
going stale.
You know, our pastor saidsomething years ago that I think
is really, really good.
He said you have to learn to doout of discipline what you did
out of courtship in yourrelationship.
So the things that you did inthe beginning of your

(19:53):
relationship, you did thatbecause of the novelty you know
and you're both got your bestfoot forward, all those types of
things.
You know you're brand new,you're in love, all those things
.
And then life, like you said,life begins to hit and I think
one of the things you have to dois you can't take each other
for granted.
That's something that's really,really important.
Don't take the other person forgranted.
Number one, number two don'tforget.

(20:15):
This is huge.
This is huge.
Don't forget why you fell inlove.

Speaker 1 (20:20):
Now you ready for this?

Speaker 2 (20:20):
So true this there is 90% of the person that you
chose to marry that you willcompletely love, but there will
be 10% that you will abhor.
Stay out of their 10%.
The devil will always try toget you to focus on the 10% and
lose track of the 90, which madeyou say I do.
And so a lot of times wehaven't we forgot why we fell in
love.

(20:41):
And it's funny.
Even Jesus talked about how, ifyou look in the book of
revelation, he said if you don'tdo the first works, I'll remove
the candlestick out of hisplace.
Sometimes you've got to go backand do the first work.
What causes?
What does a fire need in orderfor it to continue to burn?
Fuel?
So you have to keep puttingthings in the fire.
Marriages stay on fire becausepeople are intentional.

(21:03):
Another thing you have to dowhen I said said don't take
people for granted.
You've got to make time for oneanother.
You've got to make time to date.
You've got to make time to dothe special thing.
You've got to sometimes dothings in your relationship that
you don't feel like doing.
You may not feel like wrappingher up and giving her a hug.
Do it anyways.
You may not feel like doing thedishes, do it anyways.
You may not feel like makinglove to him, do it, and do it

(21:23):
with joy.
Don't just do it, but do itwith joy in your heart.
And if you don't have that joyin your heart, you've got to go,
get into prayer and get filledup with some agape, so you have
what's needed in order to dothat.
Now, many times now, this couldget really deep If you're just
talking about just naturallylosing a spark or a lot of times

(21:44):
we have suppressed things goingon.
Sometimes we have to workthrough some things.
Sometimes the fire has gone outbecause of some things we need
to work through.
Something happened.

Speaker 1 (21:48):
Or something happened , something major happened.

Speaker 2 (21:50):
Of course you've got to find healing things like that
.
But if you're talking aboutjust regular everyday life, that
is a practical way of doing itwithout going real deep into
major trauma in a marriage.

Speaker 1 (22:00):
Yeah, well, you know what?
I wrote down a couple of thingsas you were talking.
I think it's so important to beintentional.

Speaker 2 (22:06):
Got to be intentional .

Speaker 1 (22:07):
You know so.

Speaker 2 (22:08):
Which is a discipline .

Speaker 1 (22:09):
It is a discipline, it's huge, I know with us.
You know there's so many thingsgoing on, you know, and it's

(22:31):
easy to fall in that trap of oh,we'll just do it next week.

Speaker 2 (22:33):
It's fine, I mean, I do sometimes.

Speaker 1 (22:33):
You know what I mean.
We'll just do it next week,it's okay.
But what happens is, if youdon't keep those things in place
, the spark could actually goout.
You know, because your focus isnot on your spouse but it's on
all those other things thatreally, at the end of the day,
they're not I mean they're goingto be there, those that work is
going to be there.
You know what I mean.
It's just going to be there.
So being intentional, I think,is really really important.
And planning, planning withyour spouse, planning with the

(22:54):
person that you're in thatrelationship with.
Finding out, too, I think, isreally good.
Finding out what they like,what do they like?
Maybe set something, setsomething up.
You know I know my husband, helikes golf.
You know he likes certainmovies.
Um, he likes certain places toeat.
So you know, for me that may beyou know what I'm going to

(23:14):
surprise him and I'm going totake him to you love um, sushi
bomb.

Speaker 2 (23:19):
I don't know if anybody's been there before you
know.

Speaker 1 (23:23):
You really have to love sushi, really, yes, but
it's all you can eat, Fresh madeto order, everything's fresh
made to order.
They do have like a hibachiarea where you can, you know,
and it's all you can eat hibachias well, but anyway.
So I would take him tosomeplace like that and try to

(23:43):
regain and reignite that spark.
It's amazing what somethingeven as small as that can
actually do for your marriage.
That's right when you say youknow, I'm just going to take a
couple hours and I'm going to beintentional about it and watch
what happens, watch howeverything unfolds.

Speaker 2 (24:04):
Well, let me mention this as well.
You know it's very important.
There's some of you that may bewatching or listening right now
.
When's the last time you didsome of those first things for
your spouse?
And this is the thing.
Let me say this you have to getout of the mindset I don't feel
anything.
There are times in life youdon't feel like praying, but you
still need to.
There are times you don't feellike going to the workout room.
I mean, if I don't feel likeworking out in the morning, you

(24:24):
still got to go.
There may be times you don'tfeel like eating right.
There may be times you don'tfeel like budget.
There's a lot of things youdon't feel like doing, but they
are necessary evils, if you will.
When you don't feel like doingthat, you have to still do
anyways.
So it's important that we learn,even in our relationships you
have you did out of passion inyour courtship.

(24:44):
It is a choice, love is adecision and what will happen,
your feelings will follow yourheart and your will and your
desires.
So what I've been, if I justsay you know I'm going to reach
out.
There's been many a time.
I'll reach out to her and I'll,and maybe I don't feel a whole
lot, but as I reach out to her,as we're holding each other, all
of a sudden it's like wow, thelove begins to spark back.

(25:06):
So I want to encourage peoplethat are listening to watch
right now go do something eventonight for your spouse, for
your boyfriend, your girlfriend.
Now don't do nothing too crazy.
I just make sure I got to putthat asterisk down there and
parenthetically insert somethingYou're not married, don't go
too far, but just do somethingnice for one another, love on
each other, and it'll be.

(25:27):
It'll be amazing of what thatmatter of fact some of you if
you do it, your person mightlook.

Speaker 1 (25:31):
You're saying what are you doing that for?
What's all that about?

Speaker 2 (25:35):
They'll think you went.
What did you do wrong?
Something like that.
You're just turning over a newleaf, and if they give you that
love, that means you haven'tdone some things in a while.

Speaker 1 (25:49):
Even if you're angry, don't go anywhere.
I don't care.
I mean there are some timesthis is funny now, but there are
some times I would take thesheet and I mean I am all the
way.
Oh yeah, I mean on the edgeabout to fall off, but I'm in
the bed though.

Speaker 2 (26:06):
You got me flopping around in that bed like a fish
out of water.

Speaker 1 (26:09):
I was sitting there like where?

Speaker 2 (26:10):
are the blankets at and they have nothing.
All ice cold and whatnot.
I tell you this all the time.
Whenever we speak in America,you can tell what's going on in
America.
If I was to watch you one nightin your bedroom, I'd be able to
tell how close you are.
Just by the space that's betweenyou, that space in that bedroom
.
It says so much.

(26:31):
The marriage bedroom is themost sanctified holy place in a
marriage.
That which you see there on theoutward shows me everything of
what's going on in the innerparts of that heart, and so I
tell people.
That's why he said come to bedand I say this all the time
You're only one roll away from aconnection, so all you gotta do

(26:52):
is roll over and put your armaround him and say I'm still
here, I still love you.
Everything might be perfect,but we're together in this and
we're going to make it through.

Speaker 1 (27:00):
Well, you probably were a couple rolls away from me
because I was far on the edgeof the bed, so all right One leg
on.

Speaker 2 (27:06):
the floor.

Speaker 1 (27:07):
So the second thing I want to mention was don't take
the personality personal.

Speaker 2 (27:11):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (27:12):
I think that's so important.
Everybody, I know, a lot oftimes, even with us, you know,
looking back and going back on,you know, when we kind of hit,
there were certain things thatwere just your personality, but
because I took it I took it asan offense, though, because I
couldn't understand certaintimes.
Why couldn't you see it my way?

(27:33):
Yeah, why couldn't you see itmy way?
Why couldn't you do it my way?
But you have a personality allof your own and that's how maybe
you did it.
That's maybe how that was yourperspective.
You know, you can be in anargument and still agree to
disagree, and what I mean bythat, too, is you can say well,

(27:53):
you know what, I really don'tsee it your way.
I can't see it, but Iunderstand, maybe how you could
have gotten that, you know, orsomething like that where you
begin to really bring the wallsdown.
You know, sometimes too, sayingI'm sorry does a lot.
It does a lot.
I'm sorry doesn't mean thatyou're guilty all the time.

(28:17):
You know, I'm sorry really,like when you're really sorry.
There's times when we'll say itto each other and I'm really
sorry that we are where we are.
I'm really sorry that he feelsthe way that he feels.
I'm really sorry that maybe wecouldn't get through it as quick
as we should have or could have, you know.
So I think that's reallyimportant.
Don't take the personalitypersonal.

Speaker 2 (28:40):
So important.
But yeah, because you have torealize too, you're never going
to be the same and there are andI think that's a huge thing.
I have to reiterate what yousaid.
You can, you, sometimes youhave to agree to disagree.
Sometimes I just look at mywife and she's like, well, I see
this, I see that, okay, cool, Imean it's not a deal breaker.
I mean it's not like we have tosee eye to eye on every single
thing.
There's something she was likeyou know what?
I really want chicken, I reallywant salmon, all right, my

(29:03):
favorite.
Well, what are we going to do?
We'll come up with salmon.
People, you got to inventsomething new.
No, that she saw it as chicken,I saw it as salmon.
It's over with.
There's no sense splitting hairsand fighting.
A lot of people get over andfight over petty stuff.
Just let it go.
If she sees something a certainway, she says, well, I thought
it was this, well, I thought itwas that.
Or you don't remember metelling you.

(29:23):
How do you remember?
Remember, I did it.
No, I don't remember and you'reright the thing about the
personality.
We got that earlier on in ourmarriage and you have to realize
we're completely differentpeople and the way we do things,
the way we operate, it'scompletely different.

(29:43):
If you don't learn to managethat and learn what things to go
after and just let bygones bebygones, you're going to be
fighting all the time.
Because you will be fightingall the time, because they're
never going to be you.
She's the salt to my pepper,you know.
She's the peanut butter to myjelly, you know.
By themselves it's all right, ajelly sandwich is all right,
peanut butter sandwich, but man,peanut butter jelly together.
It's great, that's right, youknow so that's what you have to

(30:05):
realize God gave you thatdifferent perspective for a
reason, Well, and I think tooit's important.

Speaker 1 (30:11):
You mentioned about letting it go.
It's important to really let itgo.
Yeah, not to have your noseturned up or there's still
something in your you knowspirit like oh, I really all
right, I'm going to move on, butyou're not.
You didn't really move on.
You know what I mean.
It's so important just to letit go.
Let it go move on and make adecision in your relationship to

(30:37):
love, to love on each other.
It's amazing what happens whenyou love on each other.
I know we've done that.
We made a decision to love oneach other.
It's amazing how things justmelt, they just melt and then
really, when you look back andyou realize, oh my goodness, I
was fighting over what?
There's, a lot of times youdon't even remember what you're

(30:57):
fighting over.

Speaker 2 (30:58):
You know.

Speaker 1 (30:58):
And then what happens when you make a decision to
love, what's really left is thatissue.

Speaker 2 (31:05):
We found out too many times.
When there's a deficit of love,sometimes that's your issue.

Speaker 1 (31:10):
Yeah, so when?

Speaker 2 (31:11):
you fill up each other's love bank, again,
something happens.
So you've got to know whatthings say I love you, and most
of the time, are you all readyfor this, the things that you
enjoy.
That's not what the otherperson's love bank is going to
be filled up with.
So you've got to do for themand find out what do they like,
what do they enjoy, what sayslike I know with her, like I am
a person, I can live on anisland.

(31:32):
I can live on an island.
I don't have to have a lot ofpeople around all the time.
It's not that I don't enjoypeople, but for her, her number
one thing one of her number onethings is quality time Me just
spending time with her.
If it's laying in the bed, ifit's watching a movie, going for
a walk, sitting out on thefront porch, she likes that time
together.
Me, you do that for me.

(31:58):
I'm going to say, well, that'swonderful, I'm glad you're here,
but there's other things Iprefer.
You know what I mean, and sowhat is amazing, though, is that
that doesn't come natural forme.
That's not my naturalinclination.
So be careful, you're notgiving your spouse what you'd
enjoy.
Make sure you know them wellenough, and you're giving to
them what they say, and if youdon't know, you've got to ask
them.
So then you can make youradjustment and be what they need
.

Speaker 1 (32:15):
And I love what Savannah put.
She said yes, I've learned toturn the conversation on me.
I'm sorry.
I felt and I think that's sucha good point where it's like you
know, stop accusing, yeah,Because we don't know their
motives.

Speaker 2 (32:29):
We don't know, maybe, what they were thinking.

Speaker 1 (32:31):
We don't know what they're feeling at that certain
time, but we know how it made usfeel and I think, if we focus
in on look, this is how I'mfeeling, you know you made me
feel.
You know, when you said this,this is how I felt when you did
this.
This is what I was feelinginside.
This is how it came off to me,Versus, you know what, when you

(32:54):
did this, I know you meant tomake me feel this way.
I know you meant to do this.
Listen, you're just nothing buta you know whatever.
But when you turn it around andyou it, really what happens is
it disarms, or it should disarmthe other person to where the

(33:15):
accusation isn't there, and thenthat person can then be all
that.
They need to be to you in thatmoment.
And sometimes that takes someworking out and working through
a number of times for you toreally get it, especially if it
is a new tool.
If it's a new tool, hey, youtry it.
You keep going again.
When you do it again, you tryit, you get into it, you do it

(33:37):
again and you keep going andreally, until you perfect.
And really it's a craft, that'sright.
Until you perfect that craft.

Speaker 2 (33:45):
When you do say that.
Those I feel statements arehuge, if you can get away from
finger pointing, even when youknow they've done you wrong, if
you can try to steer clear ofthat and say you know when this
happened, you know, this is howI felt about that, you know.
And then what happens?
Then you make yourself humanand now you've opened up your
heart to be vulnerable to thatperson.
And then what happens?

(34:06):
They have to now say what am Igoing to do with this person's
vulnerable heart?
That doesn't mean everybodyknows how to handle it well, but
that is that is setting you up,yeah, for the best line of
being able to findreconciliation, because
otherwise, if you immediatelyjust come into person, well, you
did this and I'm tired of youdoing this.
And you know, every time you dothis and I've asked you a
million times, not to them, theperson a lot of times if they're
not mature enough, they'll getdefensive, they will get and

(34:27):
then they're saying what are youtalking about?

Speaker 1 (34:28):
I do this all the time.

Speaker 2 (34:29):
I only did this like three times in my life.
Now you're arguing about howmany times.
And just be open, be vulnerable.
A lot of times we're afraid tobe vulnerable, we're afraid to
open up, we're afraid to beemotionally vulnerable and to be
naked and transparent.
But that's the way you can tellif somebody loves you or not.

Speaker 1 (34:45):
That's right, and I think whenever you're in a
situation that there's someturmoil there, know that the
Lord will fight for you.
That's one of my favoritescriptures.
He will fight for you A lot oftimes.
You know, I told one person inparticular not too long ago that
it's very important to do lesstalking about and defending

(35:09):
yourself and let God do thetalking, let God do the moving,
let him do the shifting in yourlife.
You know, a lot of times wewant to just get in there and we
want to make the person see, wewant to make them, especially
if there is some type ofbetrayal or really deep hurt
that they've caused.
A lot of times we want to makethem feel it.

(35:33):
We want to make them understandand feel every emotion that we
felt.
But that probably won't happenand so it's so important to give
it to God.
Which kind of transitions intothis next question you know I've
been talking to, talking to um.

(35:58):
There's some women that I havehad the opportunity to minister
to Um and really they werefeeling their thing was.
They're feeling emotionallyunsafe.
It's not um a physical thing,but it's emotionally unsafe.
They feel um, they're justtired emotionally.
They've been batteredemotionally, they've been in the

(36:19):
fire emotionally.
You know what do you say tothat woman?
That's just they are tired andthey feel they're at a point now
where they feel emotionallyunsafe.

Speaker 2 (36:31):
When you say emotionally unsafe, what do you
do?
What do you mean by that?

Speaker 1 (36:35):
So emotionally unsafe that spouse is degrading them,
that spouse is intimidating themthrough their words and even
actions at times.
Maybe that spouse is just interms of how they talk to them.

(36:55):
There's no respect.

Speaker 2 (36:57):
Well, we're talking about abuse.
Yeah, that's the reason why Imentioned that.
Most of the times when I answerthese questions, like the
previous one how do you keep thespice in your marriage, or
things like that I'm talkingfrom a standpoint that there's
been no trauma.
So when I answer these, I wantyou to realize I'm answering the
point that there's no trauma,right when.

Speaker 1 (37:13):
I answer these.
I want you to answer the pointthat there's no trauma.

Speaker 2 (37:15):
Now if you said, well , man, this person had an affair
or something like that, well,that's a whole other type of
story of how you're going towork through that.
But in regards to this, ifsomebody is being intimidating,
and what do I do with that?
Well, you have to put distancebetween you.
God doesn't call you to beabused.
There's a difference betweenjust having regular hardships

(37:35):
and difficulties and ups anddowns in a relationship.
We're not seeing eye to eye,but when there's abuse, there's
intimidation, being called namesand the person won't stop.
They've got other issues.
Now this is the thing.
When I was an alcohol and drugcounselor, when people would
come in they would be battlingwith drugs and alcohol.
They would say I want to workon my relationship with my
girlfriend.
I said you can't.

(37:55):
And they said what do you mean?
I can't?
I said because the problemsthat are in your relationship
are as a result of the alcoholor drug addiction that you have.
So we first have to deal withthat in order to be able to work
on the relationship, because alot of those things might
dissolve once you get rid ofyour addiction.

(38:16):
Why do I say that?
Because a person that'semotionally being abused, that
other person has issues thathave nothing to do with the
relationship.
These are not relationshipissues.
They have brought this abuseinto the relationship and now
what's happening?
They're taking it out on youand they're unhealthy.
So what they need to do?
Sometimes you have to take astep back.

(38:37):
Sometimes you have to distanceyourself.
If they can't be safe.
If you're trying to get theirattention, if you've tried to
talk to them and they will notchange and they keep trying to
hurt you, there is a time toback away from that relationship
.
It doesn't mean you have to geta divorce, but you got to let
them know.
Until you can be safe, I can'tput myself around you in that

(38:58):
situation.
So that person needs to go gethelp.
They're probably going to needsome counseling.
There's a lot of things thatare going on that when you
people use intimidation, deepdown inside, the reason why
they're intimidating is becausethey're motivated by fear and
they're broken inside.
So they're using fear to getthat sense of power and control
back in their life, and sothey're using intimidation to

(39:19):
get you to, to show that you'llstay with them and love them,
and so there's some deep rootedissues in those things there.
So when you're dealing withthose types of things if you
can't get through to them andthey will not make the
adjustment.
My only advice to somebodysaying it may be time to say I
need to do a separationprocedure I have to put my
because, otherwise you're goingto end up getting hurt and God
didn't call you to be that way.

Speaker 1 (39:40):
So we're talking about abuse here.
That's what we're talking aboutAbuse.

Speaker 2 (39:44):
There may need to be some space that puts between you
.
Now, in regards to just regular, someone says I don't feel
emotionally safe to open up twothings.
Number one um, has that person,the other party, created a
space for them?
Has that?

Speaker 1 (39:56):
uh, has that been defined?

Speaker 2 (39:58):
So what is safe for her may not be safe for me, and
what I mean by that?
What it looks like to.
I'm going to be vulnerable withyou and I'm going to open up
and share my heart with you.
I need to.
It looks a certain way, so Igot to be what that other person
needs.
So if she comes to me and says,jay, I don't feel like I can
open up to you, I don't feellike I'm emotionally safe when I
open up to you, even if I'mgiving her no reason, I still,

(40:19):
at that point, I say, okay.
Well, what do I need to do inorder to make you feel safe, to
create an environment to whereyou feel that you can open up
your heart.
Think about that.
The heart is one you, the mostinner, most part of who they are
.
Everybody has to create a space.

(40:40):
So it's important that the partythat's listening find out from
the party that's sharing whatdoes that safe place look like?
And then it's very, veryimportant that that person be
willing to do that.
And then that person that issharing has to be willing to
open up and give that person theopportunity If they get it
wrong, as long as they're openand say, okay, hey, I'm sorry, I
want to make that adjustment,let them make the adjustment.

(41:02):
And then you have to try toresume that, because when those
inner parts get opened up, youcan get a little messy, oh, and
you're so vulnerable during thattime.

Speaker 1 (41:13):
And I think that's why it's so important for that
other, that listening partner onthat other side, to really,
really make sure that they don'tget offended by what the other
person is saying.
Because we probably all haveseen it where you know you start
to open up to somebody and then, when you open up to them, then

(41:33):
what happens is maybe somethingthat you said trigger something
in them, and then they getoffended and then, before you
know it, offenses are flyingeverywhere because now they're
offended, and then you'reoffended because they're
offended and you try to open upand then it just it'll.
It gets really nasty, realquick and then at the end nobody
has heard anybody's heart.

(41:54):
You know what I mean.
So the mission at that pointhas failed.
So I think it's really importantto make sure even go before the
Lord and if you know, okay, Ihave to be that listening
partner, or whether it's alistening partner or the partner
that has been hurt and you'resharing, there is a way that you
share, but there's also a waythat you listen, and so if you

(42:15):
are listening, you know, ask theLord for just the right heart.
God, give me the right heart,the right perspective, the right
mind, god, to hear thisperson's heart.
Let me not make it about me,but let me make it about them.
Let me really hear what theyare trying to say, what they are

(42:39):
trying to communicate andlisten.
It is so important.
I know one of the tools, sothis is another tool, one of the
tools that it's really helpedus navigate through those
communication.
Just roadblocks sometimes, yeah, is taking it one issue at a
time.
I think oftentimes we'll go inthere and then we pour out.

Speaker 2 (43:05):
Got our AK-47 just blowing people away with all of
our stuff, man, and thatperson's getting hit with all
sorts of shrapnel and everythingelse.

Speaker 1 (43:12):
But you know what, though, while you're spraying
them, the other person, a lot oftimes they're not even
listening, they're throwing handgrenades.
They're actually thinking aboutwhat they're going to say in
retaliation.
So there's not.
There's still a disconnectthere.
So, even though you're talking,there is still very much a

(43:36):
disconnect there.
So, you know, while the otherperson is sharing and again
there's a way to share you needto make sure that you really
listen intently and you'relistening to the heart.
Not even, yes, the words areimportant, but you're really
listening to the heart andyou're saying, lord, how can I

(43:58):
be there for them?
How can I even, how can I be abetter listener, how can I
really really serve them duringthis time?
And I'm telling you, if youtake that posture, watch what
happens in your relationship.

Speaker 2 (44:10):
You don't even have to pray.
Let's go a step further,something that we implement in
our relationship, ladies andgentlemen, this't even have to
pray.
Let's go a step further.
It's something that weimplement in our relationship.
Ladies and gentlemen, this,right here, will help you.
What she just shared, and thenadd this to it, you don't even
ask the Lord when they share.
The first thing you should do,y'all ready, here you go.
This is the game changer, righthere.
Repeat back to them what youthought you heard and then let
them tell you if you got it ornot.

(44:32):
So if she goes and she does afive minute, 10 minute diatribe,
soliloquy on all the stuff thatshe feels I'm a terrible
husband and a terrible dad, andI'm just saying getting all
these things, and so I go backto her and I say I heard you say
I'm a terrible husband,terrible father.
No, that's not what I said.
Okay, what are you saying?
And then you get you're not,you're not responding back,
saying yeah, we're giving yourdefense or you didn't mean it.

(44:54):
No, no, no, no.
The first thing inreconciliation is be able to
understand.
So if someone's going to feelemotionally saved, they want to
know they're understood, even ifyou don't agree, just say is
this what I'm hearing?
I was in a conversation with aguy in our church today and I
was talking with him and he hadsome different things going on
going on.
He spent probably five, 10minutes or so just talking about
all the things going on BeforeI started to give any input.

(45:15):
The first thing I said is Isaid is this what I'm hearing?
I'm hearing you say this, andif I don't understand, I say
listen, I heard this, but canyou give me more input on that?
Tell me a little bit more aboutthat until I really really
understand.
And because what will happen ifI don't hear her correctly?
And then I'm responding back toher?
Now she's not going to be heard, she's not going to feel like
she's respected and loved, andthen I'm going to be trying to

(45:37):
speak to something that ain'teven really the problem.

Speaker 1 (45:39):
Yeah, or maybe I didn't need it.

Speaker 2 (45:40):
She may just need me to understand.
So whenever you sit down andsomebody says, hey, I want to
talk, let them finish everything, don't interrupt.
If you do interrupt, give itback to them, say I'm sorry,
keep your mouth shut, open yourears.
And then, when you're done, sayokay, thank you for sharing
that, is this what I've heard?
And share back with them.
And then let that person tellyou if it's what, if you heard

(46:01):
correctly or not, and if youhaven't be humble, let them
share with you again.
And then, until you get it, andthen, once the person feels
they're understood, you can thendevelop okay, what can I do
differently?
Because many times we want toadjust, we get defensive, we do
all these things, which lets meknow you are not hearing them at
all.
You're more worried about beingright or being justified or

(46:22):
explaining the situation away,versus just understanding what
they experienced and what theyfelt and why they are where they
are.

Speaker 1 (46:30):
You know it reminds me of a.
You know, when you get into anargument, everybody has these
walls up.
A lot of times, Maybe you havethe wall up and then what
happens is when you come in withthat heart of love and you say,
all right, I'm here, I'm a safeplace for you, Then what
happens is it goes down a littlebit.
And then they share.

(46:51):
And then what happens?
When you said, when you do whatyou just said and you repeat it
back, then what happens iseverybody is a wall comes down a
little bit more.
And then really what'shappening is that person now is
saying, without even saying it,they're saying I feel safe with

(47:14):
you.
That is what's beingcommunicated.
And then, eventually, what'llhappen as you continue to um,
you know, practice this and youapply this to your communication
.
Uh, just conflict resolution,really, when you apply it to
that, then it'll get easier andeasier and easier.

(47:34):
But I think initially, I know,for me personally, when we first
started doing that, I said,okay, all right, he really is
listening, okay.
And then when you would ask me,hey, can you, you know, is this
what you're saying, is this?
And then what that tells me isthat you really want to hear

(47:55):
what I'm saying.
That's what it's telling theother person.
You really want to hear whatthey're saying, you really care
about them.
And it's amazing what happenswhen people really know that you
care about them.

Speaker 2 (48:07):
And it's the thing, too, that many times we are not
getting the true crux of whatthey're saying.
We say I understand, Iunderstand, but you really don't
understand.
And how important is it for youto really take the time to just
listen to them, understand themand then be able to respond

(48:27):
back in return.
And I'm telling you it just, itchanges everything when you do
that.
And so, listen, this works inany relationship.
I would use it with somebody inmy church.
They were sharing me a bunch ofthings that was going on.
I said well and funny thingabout it.
Let me say this as well this isimportant Most people have not
been in a relationship wherethey know how to communicate.

(48:52):
So a lot of times, what they'resaying is not really the issue.
So they may be saying one thing.
You're sitting and listeningand saying, man, I'm not really
hearing what I thought.
All right, that's what I'mhearing.
You're not really catching itat the time.
Many times, ladies andgentlemen, people have not had
healthy relationships.
They didn't have it where yousit down and talk through issues

(49:12):
without yelling or screaming orsomebody downgrading what
you're saying, or or even somepeople.
They just completely ignorethem and shut them out and won't
listen to them, or theiropinions aren't important and
they've been taught like that.
Nothing that's important tothem is important to their
parents or whatever it is.
So now you come into a marriageand you only know how to
communicate from behind the wall.
That's it.
Communicating from behind thewall kind of looks like this.

(49:35):
You could say something likeyou know what you love that car
more than you love me.
You love this more than you.
They're not saying that.
They're just saying maybe theywant more time with you.
That's what they're reallysaying.

Speaker 1 (49:49):
When I tell you that you spend more time with a dog
than you spend with me.

Speaker 2 (49:57):
That's a little running joke Because I got my
little daughter, now my littledog.
I have to bring you all somepictures and so a lot of times
she'll say man, you talk BecauseI was going through it.
I'll say you a puppy, you knowhow you do that stuff with your
dog.
She's a little puppy, so I mean.

Speaker 1 (50:08):
I talk to her no-transcript.

Speaker 2 (50:38):
So what happened now?
The first thing, they threwthat bomb at you.
You have to be mature enough tosay is that what you're saying,
even if they come and you sayyou're the worst husband in the
world and you don't care aboutme.
So what I'm hearing you say isthat I don't care about you at
all?
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Okay, well, tell me more aboutthat.
Why are you seeing that?
Do you have the courage and thelove to let them be vulnerable

(51:02):
enough and take the shrapnel andnot take it personal?
I remember years ago our pastorsaid to us something real
profound and this was early inour relationship, and she would
say different things and I'd belike but she said this.
And he said well, just becauseshe throws a dart, don't mean
you have to collect it.
And I said man, what wisdom isthat?

(51:23):
And I just wasn't mature enoughto handle it at the time.
And so there are times you haveto be honest with each other
and you may not like what thatperson is saying, but you have
to be mature enough to say, okay, if you feel I'm a, you have to
know if you're not the worsthusband in the world.
You got to know that.

Speaker 1 (51:34):
So even if they're saying that, okay, well, that's
what I'm here.

Speaker 2 (51:36):
Yeah, you got to know who you are, so then you can
dodge those and get to theperson, because then you throw
your walls up and now you bothare talking about place of
irrational and it's just notgoing to get anywhere.
So it's important.

Speaker 1 (51:56):
And it is important, and I think that, um, like you
know in your heart what you feeland how you feel about the
other person, even if they saysomething that is contradictory
to that.
But you can't lose by sayingI'm sorry, that's not how I, I
wanted you to feel, I'm sorrythat you feel that way.
What can I do to make thatright for you?
What can I say somethingdifferent?

(52:16):
Can I do something different?
You know, um, I think that's soimportant.
You can't lose by that.

Speaker 2 (52:21):
We heard another analogy one time there was a
pastor that said uh, his wifewould say to him all the time uh
, you know they'd be in the car,you're driving like a madman.
You're driving like a madman.
He's like I'm not driving likea madman, I'm driving to speed.
Let me do this.
What are you talking about?
They would fight over this.
I'm not driving like a madman.
Then one day she said to himthe way you're driving scares me

(52:43):
.
Big difference, big differencebig difference.
And he said well, I don't wantyou to feel that way.
What do you need me to do?
He completely shifted.
So, it's so important that welearn we can't communicate from
behind the wall.
We've got to open up and whensomebody's saying something to
you, you got to know yourselfwell enough that, even if
they're spewing all sorts ofvenom at you and shrapnel, you

(53:04):
got to learn to be okay with it.
You got to learn to say thatjust comes with the relationship
.
I'm not going to internalizethat.
I'm not going to take thatpersonal.
I'm not and I'm not talkingabout calling names and, once
again, whenever I talk fromthese standpoints, I'm talking
about general, just statementsthat people make.
I'm not talking aboutintimidating, threatening things
like that, but just peopletalking from a place of emotion
where they haven't learned howto bring their emotion into a

(53:26):
rational place and deliver itwith the right type of
temperament that they should.
So it's important that wheneverI'm talking about these things,
I'm talking about these type ofthings here, and when you learn
how to do that, man, everythingwill change.

Speaker 1 (53:40):
Absolutely Everything changes.
That is so true.
Well, you know, when we hitthose moments and we're not
communicating well or there's anoffense of some sort, I find
that there is, the spirit ofunforgiveness will begin to
settle in where you know youcome up with or you feel, maybe

(54:01):
you feel they're not trying tohear me, they don't love me.
I'm not going to forgive thembecause they did this and they
knew they shouldn't have donethis and they knew better, they
knew what they were doing.
What are the first steps tounforgiveness?
Because I think unforgivenesswhen somebody stays in
unforgiveness that can literallyjust destroy a relationship.

Speaker 2 (54:25):
Yeah, there's two things.
First thing I'm going tomention is this you have to know
, I think first thing I'm goingto mention is this you have to
know, I think every person I'mgoing to take the long way
around to get to this.
I know we're almost out of time, but the first thing you have
to do before you get married.
I tell everybody everybody'sgot to do it.
You need to have a season whereyou've been single.
Now, if you're already married,you can't do that.
But the danger part of not beingsingle and being content is

(54:48):
that you will have luggage inyour life I call it junk in your
trunk that you will blame yourspouse for so a lot of times.
The first thing I tell peopleif you have issues with
forgiving, is it just therelationship or is this
something from your past?
If this is junk in your trunkthat you're battling with, you
need to go get help and get thehealing you need, so then you

(55:10):
can learn to let go of thethings you need to let go of.
That's the first thing.
Now, if the person is healthyin a relationship and they're
both healthy in a relationshipand there's just issue with
forgiveness, one of the firstthings that I do.
I realized this I always putmyself in their shoes.

Speaker 1 (55:27):
What do I mean by that?

Speaker 2 (55:29):
Blessed are the merciful, the Bible says one of
the Beatitudes, these are theattitudes of the kingdom.
So he's saying blessed are themerciful, they will receive
mercy.
So whenever my wife, she doesme wrong, somebody does me wrong
, the first thing I'm thinkingis okay, I want to have my mercy
tank filled up so when I needit, God, I can get it from you,

(55:51):
because I've bestowed it toothers.
The second thing I do is Iremember how many times God has
forgiven me, how many times I'veforgotten to drop the ball, how
many times I've done wrong.
People that have unforgivenesshave self-righteousness
somewhere in their life.
They have forgotten somewherethat they're just as sinful as
the person that needsforgiveness.
And that's what the scripturetalks about in Matthew, chapter

(56:11):
18, about the man that owed Godlike a million dollars and God
forgave him everything.
He says go ahead and go aboutyour business.
And then the other guy owed himlike a hundred dollars and the
Bible says he grabbed him by thethroat and choked him and said
pay me what you owe me.
So the Bible says that God cameback and said listen, throw him
into the prison and let himwork off every single solitary

(56:32):
sin.
Let him stay in there untilit's done.
He had forgotten how much Godhad forgiven him.
So I believe that's where Iwould start with that.
Now, the other thing, though,that's important Forgiveness is
not reconciliation.

Speaker 1 (56:45):
So that is important.

Speaker 2 (56:47):
You have to forgive if they never say they're sorry.
You have to forgive if they.
God forgives us.
Even if God forgives somebodyif they go to hell, they're
forgiven.
They just never received it.

Speaker 1 (56:58):
That's the reality.

Speaker 2 (56:58):
So that's where a lot of people say oh yeah, god died
for everybody.
Oh, he died for everybody.
You still got to do your partin order to be reconciled back
to God.
He's forgiven you.
I'm forgiven every personthat's done the most heinous sin
in the world, but thatreconciliation requires two
parties.
So don't get it twisted.
Don't think that forgivenessmeans you got to bring them back

(57:19):
in your world.
When you forgive somebody, thatmeans you're giving them the
opportunity you are keeping anopen heart to reconcile.
That is what forgiveness is.
I'm open to the possibility ofsome type of reconciliation when
it can be done.
Now, there's sometimes.
You just can't reconcilecertain things.
There's nothing you can do.

(57:40):
But the reality is, though, onmost things, when we're talking
about outside of major traumas,we have to be willing to look at
ourselves, look at how Godforgave us, extend mercy and
remember ourselves as well.
Even God says he remembers ourframe.
He knows we are dust.
We have to understand we'redealing with fallen people and

(58:00):
they all need mercy and grace,and that's the first step.

Speaker 1 (58:03):
Wow, wow, that is so good.
I love how you said that,because that's true.
We are dealing with fallenpeople.
There is nobody perfect on thisand we are fallen Absolutely,
and I loved how you.
I know there was somebody thatwas telling me a story of

(58:31):
somebody who is in jail now foran act that they did against one
of their family members.
Now they probably won'treconcile, but we are told to
forgive.

Speaker 2 (58:44):
And so that's so important.
We'll think about that.
And let me give you an example.
Maybe you were raped, maybesomebody molested your child,
you know, or something, someheinous crime like that.
You're not going to have thatperson in your living room.
I mean, you can forgive them,but I'm sorry, I can't.
And people say, well, yeah, net, total forgiveness.
No, I can't subject my childever again to something like

(59:05):
that.
I can't trust you with that andplus, it would do too much
damage, possibly to the child.

Speaker 1 (59:09):
Well, that's wisdom.

Speaker 2 (59:10):
Well, exactly, but a lot of people think, though,
they've been taught forgivenessmeans you got to bring them
right back into your world, andif you haven't and you have any
type of if you don't, if youhave any type of common sense
then that means you haven'tforgiven them.
Well, there's certain thingsyou don't get back.
There's some things, once youbreak them, you can be forgiven,
but you can never get it back.

Speaker 1 (59:33):
There's just some things you just don't come back.

Speaker 2 (59:34):
Well, I think that's the difference between maybe
something light okay, a lightoffense versus something more
egregious, right, right, youknow.

Speaker 1 (59:40):
so you would handle those two things differently, of
course.
But you know, as we're wrappingup here, I would love to know,
um, you know, if we can kind ofend on a little bit of a, a
higher note here, fun notes, um,what, what did you love, like,
what's one of the?
And if you have a couple or two, three, you could share.

Speaker 2 (01:00:01):
but we're talking about you.

Speaker 1 (01:00:02):
Yes, that's why I gave you more options.
That's why I said if more youknow, if he talks about me, you
can.
You can add some more in there,but um, what's some of the
favorite things about beingmarried?

Speaker 2 (01:00:18):
Oh man.
Well, listen, I'm going to bereal one day.
Listen, if you want to see mebe real, come to my church on
Sunday morning.
Come to our church on Sundaymorning, I will be real.
I think Savannah just dropped aquestion.

Speaker 1 (01:00:27):
What we might be able to get to it later.
Yeah, but uh.

Speaker 2 (01:00:33):
I was talking about how I, we, we saved ourselves
from one another until we gotmarried, and when I mean by that
we didn't have sex until we ourwedding?
That was our wedding night.
So my thing is this is that oneof the things that I love about
being married?
The fact there was a woman inmy bed and so a lot of people
laugh at that, because I wouldbe at work and I'd be like

(01:00:53):
there's a woman in my bed.

Speaker 1 (01:00:54):
I had never lived with a woman and you've never
told me that, though, like younever came back, you could tell
by the smile on my face.

Speaker 2 (01:01:01):
I was grinning from ear to ear.
I stopped working out.
I didn't want to go nowherebecause it was such a new
experience, so I love the factof just having the relationship.
I love being married.
I love the fact of us doing alife together.
That this isn't for everybody,but this is why I love being

(01:01:21):
married.
We get a chance to do ministrytogether.
A lot of people can neverexperience that, and not only do
I get a chance to do ministry,there's nobody I have to do
ministry with.
You're such a great tag teampartner with me, and so I love
that.
I love the relationship.
I love the fun that we have.
I love the ups and the downsand the ways that I've had to
grow in order to become betterfor you.

(01:01:42):
There's so many different thingsthat I can mention.
I love the fact that I'm aprayer partner with you.
I love the fact that you knowyou're right or die.
I love all of that in therelationship.
I love every part of it that weget a chance to share life
together.
We have children together.
We have the same dreams thatwe're running after.
We support one another.

(01:02:02):
I mean there's so many things Iknow I can trust her and that,
no matter what battle comes myway, I know she's got my back.
All of those things, and that'swhy I say this all the time.
I waited 12 years.
I dated one girl for like 30days and like 11, 12 years and I
waited for the right one andI'm so glad I did, because I

(01:02:24):
couldn't be doing what I'm doingright now, couldn't be doing it
and and God, I mean God, I meanI can get on television with
you.
We can preach together.
We travel and preach together.
They call us now to preachtogether at churches.
I mean it's just.
It's just amazing.
We did the pregnancy centertogether.
We, we, um hosted um, uh, the,our, um, mc, the March for Life
in Harrisburg.
I mean there's so many thingsthat I love about every facet of

(01:02:47):
it.
I mean, I love that.
I love every single part of it.
I love the bedroom part of it.
I love outside the bedroom.
I love date nights with her.
I love every single part ofbeing married and it's been a
lot of fun.
So I've enjoyed it.

Speaker 1 (01:03:03):
Well, I appreciate that and you know, I think okay,
one of the reasons why I askedthis question was because this
is what you need to do.
You need to go back to that, ifyou're having some trouble in
your marriage.
If you're at that point rightnow and you're kind of hitting a
hard spot in your marriage, goback and just tell each other,

(01:03:28):
if you can.
There's sometimes where you'reable to be in a good spot, where
you can sit across from eachother and say, hey, I love when
you do this, I love that I havea man of God, I love that I have
a spiritual, a true spiritualleader of our home.
I love somebody that I can dolife with.
I love the fact that he's agreat dad.

(01:03:50):
I love the fact that he makesme laugh.
I love the fact that I can stayup at night with him and ask
him all these different types ofquestions about the Bible, and
we just stay up and we have fun,and it goes on and on.
But you know, it's so importantto remember those things, you
know, I just feel like a lot oftimes that's what happens, babe,

(01:04:11):
is that people don't rememberthe good stuff.

Speaker 2 (01:04:16):
And let me say this to what you're saying.
If you're reaching out anddoing that, ladies and gentlemen
, if that person's reaching out,trying to love on you, let them
don't be stubborn.
You know how hard it is toreach out when you're not happy
with somebody.
That might be the oneopportunity that you have to
reconcile, and then you shutthem down.
They may not have the grace todeal with your stubborn self.

Speaker 1 (01:04:33):
Right, right.

Speaker 2 (01:04:34):
So if they're, reaching out and they're trying
to say you know what?
I just so appreciate you and Ilove you.
And then why do you love me?
Why?

Speaker 1 (01:04:39):
do you do this?

Speaker 2 (01:04:45):
Yeah, it's like no, I .
So thank you.
I just need a minute.
I will come back and we canresume and share with each other
why we love each other.
But don't shut them down.
Be good to one another, beloving.
The Bible says it's thegoodness of God that leads us to
repentance.
So it's important that if thatperson's doing those things,
that we're open to one anotherand being willing to share our

(01:05:08):
heart, back and say, you know,thank you for doing that, like
we've done that for each otherEvery time.
Maybe she's not happy with meand I'll go up to her and I'll
try to, you know, put my armaround her.
And I don't talk about doingthings sexual, you know.
I mean you can't always gothere.
There are times that that mighthappen, but most of the time
you've got to be willing to,especially men to women.
Now you can do it to a woman.
You might be able to do it to aguy.
I mean, he may let you get awaywith it.

Speaker 1 (01:05:29):
That may work, may not it just depends on how he's
wired.

Speaker 2 (01:05:31):
Yeah, that's right, but ultimately you want to do
something that just says I wantyou, I want to be together with
you.
Now that may lead to't bestubborn.
I wish somebody would type thatin the chat Don't be stubborn,
man.
Just open up your heart and letit in and then give back to the

(01:05:56):
other person, you know.
Talk about forgiveness One ofthe biggest ways the second part
of forgiving you got to give it.
Forgive it needs to give before.
That means I'm giving to youbefore you've paid me back.
That's what forgive forgivingbefore that person does
everything right.
And that's why a lot of peoplewithhold, because I haven't
forgave.

(01:06:16):
So forgive means you don't earnit, you don't deserve it, you
didn't pay for it, but I'mforgiving you, so I'm going to
give.
And that's one of the telltalesigns that you have forgiven,
that you're willing to, thatyou've forgiven someone, that
you're willing to give to them.

Speaker 1 (01:06:31):
Amen, that's so good.
Well, you know, I just want tospeak to those people out there
that you know you're, you feellike you are done with your
marriage, you want to throw inthe towel.
You know, and I just reallysense even the presence of God
here and just the need to sharewith you that, hey, don't throw
in the towel, that's right.
Don't give up quite yet.
Trust the Lord, just give it tohim.

(01:06:54):
There are some of you.
You've been trying to fightwith your own might and your own
strength and you've been doingthings in your own way and I
just believe right now the Lordis just saying, hey, give it to
me, watch what I do, watch whathe does in your marriage as you
just surrender everything to him.

(01:07:17):
Yeah, you know, your spouse maynot understand the hurt that
they caused you.
They might not understandeverything that you're going
through.
They may not, and that's true,right, everything that you're
going through.
They may not, and that's true,right.
But I always think aboutwhenever I hit moments like this
.
I always think, well, yeah,they may not and they may not.

(01:07:37):
God does.
He knows what you're goingthrough, he knows the hurt that
you've been through.
He knows some of the confusionand some of the setbacks that
have been taking place and thefact that maybe you're thinking,
even right now, I don't deservethis.
But God is in control and youknow, when you give it to him

(01:07:59):
and you say, god, you know what,I'm going to step back and I'm
going to give it all to you.
Watch what he does, even thepeace and it's amazing how.
That's why one of my favoritescriptures is that he'll give
you a peace that passes allunderstanding, that'll guard
your heart and your mind andwhen you give it to him and

(01:08:20):
you're connected to the vine andyou realize that the name of
Jesus is a strong tower and whenyou run to him you're going to
find safety.
That is your safe place.
So I just want to encourage allof you today that are maybe
struggling or going through youknow, you we talked about that

(01:08:45):
roller coaster you knowsometimes you know you're up,
but then if you're in thatvalley, you're in that low place
.
I just want to encourage youtoday run to God, find that safe
place with him, be that, that,that Mary, right now in your
life.
Um, and even if you're the theuh guy, you can still have that

(01:09:05):
Mary type of spirit is what I'msaying and just sit at God's
feet and just soak up everythingthat you need to soak up from
him.
You know, do that greatexchange where every, all that
weakness, all that stuff, allowhim to make that exchange for

(01:09:33):
strength, kingdom, supernaturalstrength in your life.
And I'm telling you watch whathappens, even if everything
isn't perfectly the way that youthink it should be in your
spouse.
Watch what he does in yourspirit, though.
Watch what he does in theatmosphere, even in your home,
how everything.
It's amazing, how everythingcan be crazy in your life, but
you can still obtain and live ina peace that passes all

(01:09:56):
understanding, even a peace thatpeople will look at your it's
crazy.
A peace that other people onthe outside will look at your
situation and they will even sayhow in the world do you have
joy?
How in the world are you ableto have peace in that?
How are you able to go to sleepat night and get good not just

(01:10:17):
sleep, but get good rest as well, because it's the Lord.
So I just want to encourage you.
Take that towel that you've beenswinging around and you thought
you were going to launch it outand say I'm done, bring it back
in, reel it back in and knowthat God is on your side, that

(01:10:37):
you are on the winning team, andthat take time, even this
evening, whether it be today,night, morning, whatever it is
that you're watching say God, Igive it to you, it's in your
hands and I'm going to make surethat I run to you and I'm just
going to submerge myself in yourpresence.
It's amazing what happens whenyou really submerge yourself in

(01:11:00):
the presence of God.
There are times when I just Iwould not even relational, but
things that have happened in mylife where I needed just to
submerge myself in the presenceof God.
I would just get away and justsubmerge and get new, fresh oil.
You know, sometimes we're justempty.

Speaker 2 (01:11:20):
That's right.

Speaker 1 (01:11:20):
Sometimes we're just, you know, it's just, we need
some fresh.
We're stale, we need some freshoil in our lives.

Speaker 2 (01:11:27):
And that'll make all the difference, ladies and
gentlemen.
So on that note, you know, Iwant to say it's been a pleasure
coming on with you well, thankyou, dr Love you know how we do
y'all, it's been real.
I hope y'all have enjoyed thisand I hope that you take those
closing thoughts that Pastor Tipjust mentioned and go get
filled up, go be good to thosein your relation, in your

(01:11:51):
marriage, in your relationship,your dating your family,
whomever yeah.
Be good to those people and showthem the love of God.
And I tell you what.
We have one, and I'll closewith this we have a thing in our
relationship If we were tostart fighting today, today
would be day one.
Then we'd have day two, whichwould be tomorrow.
On day three, which would beSaturday, we have what's called,

(01:12:17):
we do it as our three day ruleand we have to love on each
other for 24 hours, and I wantto encourage you to implement
that into your relationship.
Go be good.
If you don't have it, go to theLord, get filled up, like
pastor Tiff mentioned, and goback and give them that agape,
and that will make all of thedifference in your relationship,
because love covers a multitudeof sin.
And so that's what we havefound out and this weekend.
Have a wonderful for tomorrow.

(01:12:41):
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on Sunday morning, if you don'tgot a church and you're looking

(01:13:01):
to get more out of relationshipstuff, come visit us 605
Thompson Front Road anotherlevel ministries or you can
check us out online.
We're going to be doing alittle bit more of this and
we're going to be tackling evenother questions that we've had
as well.

Speaker 1 (01:13:14):
I believe we're going to have a great fourth Me too.

Speaker 2 (01:13:16):
Because you've been out there smoking.
Dr Love is not only a lovedoctor man.
I can also cook on that grilland that smoker.
I got right now a brisket thatis resting that I cooked for
over 12 hours.
I got four racks of ribs thatI'm getting ready to do with
three different sauces, and thenI also have two things of

(01:13:39):
pulled pork and some kielbasathat I'm doing as well my
homemade mac salad, mac bakedbeans.
Y'all ain't hear what I'msaying.
Dr Love, he cooks in themarriage and he cooks on the
grill.
Come on, somebody, all right.

Speaker 1 (01:13:52):
Oh man, our kids are ready.
They've been waiting, yep.

Speaker 2 (01:13:58):
I'm ready too, and so you guys have a wonderful
fourth.
Have a great day tomorrow.
Enjoy it, stay safe, enjoy oneanother.
Hey, if you're disagreeing withyour spouse right now, go make
it up.
Don't lose this for it.
That's right, don't lose thatDevil always steals opportune
time.
Don't miss this.
Go make some fireworks and DrLove will be back here next week
along with Mrs Love, and we'regoing to be back to do more with

(01:14:19):
you next Thursday night at 8 pm.
God bless you.
We love you, thank you.