March 22, 2024 • 33 mins
Steph and Beth originally met at work where they did a step study, working through all 12 steps together. In this episode they listen to and discuss chapter 13 of Steph’s memoir, Discovering My Scars, where Steph talks about the revelations of abuse that came from working the fourth step, making a searching and fearless moral inventory.
Use these Questions for Reflection to apply this episode in your own life:
- Have you ever taken an inventory of your life? Would you consider it and where would you start?
- Do you have a quirk like Steph’s aversion to sticky things? Where do you think it comes from?
- Have you ever been harmed by a family member or someone you trusted?
- Do you tend to focus on the positive or negative things in life? Do you want that to change?
- Reflect on a miracle moment you’ve experienced in your life.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Steph (00:03):
Welcome to the Discovering Our Scars podcast
where we show personalexperiences so we can learn from
each other.
I'm Steph and I'm Beth.
I've been in recovery for 17years and am the author of
Discovering my Scars, my memoirabout what's done in the
darkness eventually comes tolight.
Beth (00:17):
I'm a lawyer turned pastor who's all about self-awareness
and emotional health, because Iknow what it's like to have
neither of those things.
Steph (00:23):
Beth and I've been friends for years, have gone
through a recovery programtogether, and when I wanted to
start a podcast, she was theonly name that came to mind as
co-host.
Beth (00:30):
I didn't hesitate to say yes because I've learned a lot
from sharing personalexperiences with Steph over the
years.
We value honest conversationsand we hope you do too.
On today's show, we're going tohave an honest conversation
titled Discovering my ScarsChapter 13.
Steph (00:43):
In the show, we'll close with questions for reflection.
We'll invite you to reflect onthe conversation in your own
life.
Beth (00:48):
So we're diving back into your memoir Discovering my Scars
.
Maybe we could do like asummary of, in case you maybe
haven't listened to all theother 12 episodes that have been
directly about the book.
Where we've we listened to theaudio version of the book and
then we pause it and we talkabout it.
At this point in the book we'vetalked about your okay,
(01:13):
incarceration is not the rightword, but you're like oh my gosh
.
Steph (01:16):
No, I was not incarcerated.
Beth (01:18):
But you were like held in a mental hospital and they
wouldn't let you leave, and soit's like it has that feel to me
of like an involuntary stay.
So you've been in and out of amental hospital, which in, and
then out in one time out onetime and that traumatic
experience left you with PTSDCorrect, and we've talked about
(01:42):
that in the book right.
Steph (01:45):
And then the story basically goes into what
happened after I got out of themental hospital five years later
, discovering the PTSD and thengoing through the healing and
recovery of that process.
And the last chapter was aboutcelebrate recovery, where we met
and was a Christian centeredrecovery.
And then this chapter is goingto be kind of a continuation of
(02:09):
what happened next in celebraterecovery.
Perfect Chapter 13 inventory.
With my sponsor by my side, Imove forward in my step study.
Each lesson had its ownchallenges and tough questions,
but the main event is theinventory.
The CR four step is this wemade a searching and fearless
(02:30):
moral inventory of ourselves.
For a lot of group members,this step is a make or break
moment.
It's so emotionally challengingthat many people leave their
step study.
At this point I did not want tobe that person.
No one in my group wanted to bethat person.
So we all pushed through andcompleted it promptly.
Beth (02:49):
Okay, I'm sorry to stop you already, but I totally
wanted to bail at this step.
So I appreciate that you say noone in the group wanted to be
that person.
It was totally the peerpressure that kept me in because
this step was so hard anduncomfortable.
And this step is the thing that, when I think about, maybe I
(03:13):
could, maybe I could or would doa step study again, this, this
step and the next step, stepsfour and five are the things
that made me go.
No, I think that that's notgoing to be right for me right
now.
Steph (03:29):
Do you think?
The writing, the inventory orsharing?
Beth (03:33):
the inventory was harder.
I think it was the sharing.
But you know, as I was writingit I knew I was going to have to
share it.
Yeah, and so both of themtogether, just really, man, you
know, it's been years and Istill remember not wanting to do
it and I remember having a hardtime with it.
You know, just, whoo, that washard.
(03:53):
I mean, just think about that.
A searching and fearless moralinventory.
It's like everything that hasbeen done to you and everything
you have done to others, andsearching and fearless, which
means you do not hold back, youhave to put it all out there.
That's hard.
Steph (04:17):
It was very draining and yet cleansing to write my
inventory.
It involved me examining mylife and writing down
significant events that hadaffected me, such as what had
happened to me as a baby.
Most of the items on my listwere things I knew about, but as
I started prodding, new thingscame to light.
As far back as I can remember,I have hated sticky things.
(04:39):
Stickers, tape, bandages,anything that can stick to one
thing and then stick tosomething else.
It's okay if I'm the firstperson to touch it, but if I see
something sticky on the groundor a kid put something sticky on
me, I'm not having it.
I even cringe a little writingabout it.
I know this is a little weird.
So I dug deeper to see if Icould find the root of this
(05:00):
phobia.
I prayed about finding thetruth and, with mustard seed
faith again, god showed me theway.
The scene I was five years old,in the playroom at my
grandparents' house my brotherand I were visiting for a few
weeks without our parents.
The playroom, really more of abuilding, was separate from my
grandparents' house and I was inthere alone with two older boy
(05:23):
family members who were six andeleven.
My brother, who was nine at thetime, was not with me.
I continued to watch as Godshowed me what happened.
The younger boy started pokingfun at me, while the other boy
just stood and watched.
The younger one started callingme names, pushing me around and
using me as his plaything.
(05:44):
I fought back.
I was a pretty strong littlegirl.
I told him I was going to tellGrandma he was being mean to me,
but this only seemed to fuelhis fire and he became more
aggressive.
He grabbed my whole body so Icould not move my arms or legs.
He pinned me to the ground withmy back on the floor.
I was screaming and panic andhe tried to shut me up.
He grabbed a dirty roll of ducttape from the ground and put a
(06:07):
piece over my mouth.
He seemed pleased with himself,but I was still in a desperate
fight to get away.
He taped my legs together toprevent me from running.
Then he taped my arms together,pulling them behind my head and
taping them to a piece of oldexercise equipment.
He then sat on me right belowmy torso so he could look right
in my face.
He had a look of pure evil,full of aggression and power.
(06:31):
I was still struggling and hewas not satisfied.
He slapped me a few times inthe face.
Then he banged my head a fewtimes against the floor.
Then I was silent and he wassatisfied with his work.
Breathe.
This is a lot to take in.
This is me, 32 year old Steph,writing on my computer.
(06:53):
This is a lot to put on digitalpaper.
I don't write it to blame, Iwrite it for healing.
This violent scene has beenshown to me by the power of God
and I'm the first to question it.
How was any of this possible?
How could I not remember?
But God can show it to me.
I spent days, months and yearswrestling with these questions.
(07:15):
But where does my peace andreassurance that this is the
truth from God come?
From Faith.
My faith grew to the size of amustard seed years before, and
nothing is impossible when itcomes to my Father.
God is my one and only truthfulFather.
Because of that, god alsoshowed me what happened after I
(07:36):
passed out.
As I lay unconscious, theyounger boy did a few more
things to me.
Then the older boy started toget a little nervous.
He told the younger one to takethe tape off and leave, as
someone might come and see.
My abuser begrudgingly removedthe duct tape and left.
When I came to, I didn't knowwhat had happened.
(07:56):
I didn't know why I was in theplayroom.
I had gone there many times toget grape soda from the big
fridge.
I assumed that was why I wasthere.
So after I regainedconsciousness, I got my soda and
went back to the main house.
Beth (08:12):
Steph, that is so heavy.
Steph (08:15):
Yeah, and it all came out of being annoyed that I don't
like sticky things, which is sosuch a weird quirk really that I
had had my entire life that Ican really remember.
And it's such a thing that mostpeople that know me know this
(08:35):
about me and even my nibblingschildren to play with stickers.
People give stickers to kidsall the time.
We have raised them, all theparents have told them to not
put sticky things on me and ifthey do forget or something, and
then like I'm like don't do it,they like they don't try to
like play with Right.
(08:56):
It has like been such a thingin my life that and it was like
I never really thought too muchabout it.
I brought it up once in therapyand we never really like
examined it closer, but I justfelt like this nagging feeling
when I was writing my inventory,like there's something more
(09:17):
here, it can't just be this, andthat's what came out of that.
Beth (09:24):
I mean it starts out as like oh yeah, kids play.
You know kids, yeah, you knowyou had a relative that was like
, because you're related to theboys, right, like you had a
relative who was bullying you,and then it just takes this turn
where you're like that is waybeyond normal child's play and
it is abusive and awful.
(09:46):
And it pretty much happens in aninstant and no one's there, no
one did anything, and your heartand your mind are going to
protect you, which is why youdidn't remember this for so long
.
I will say one thing that Ilearned when my kids were little
that was really impactful andtransformative for me is the
(10:07):
tendency and maybe it's not thisway anymore, because it's been
a long time since I had littlekids but the tendency back then,
and the tendency when I wasgrowing up and probably when you
were growing up, was just whenyou would pick somebody up or
you would like go to pick themup from a grandparents house or
even from a babysitter, like, oh, were you a good boy?
Were you a good girl?
No, the question is how are you?
Did you have a good time?
(10:27):
Yeah, right.
And then and you don't ask itin front of the other grownups
you ask it when you're alone sothat they can really tell you
what happened.
Yeah, very small shift, butit's actually a big shift in
what you're communicating toyour kids about what you expect
of them.
Steph (10:46):
This event got buried.
The trauma was too great for afive-year-old to process.
It lived in my subconscious,coming out in my aversion to
tape.
Duck tape has always beenparticularly hard for me, and
now I know why.
When this new revelation wasshown to me while writing my
inventory, it was hard to digest.
It was even harder to take thanthe truth from when I was a
(11:08):
baby.
Sticky things have been such anissue for me for so long.
After learning where this camefrom, I became extremely angry.
The fact that this boy did suchawful things to me and an older
boy just watched infuriated me.
It was pure evil.
I spent a lot of time workingthrough this one.
(11:28):
This abuse from my family wasthe hardest part to accept on my
inventory.
Although I tried, I couldn'tforgive them at the time.
After adding this trauma to myinventory, it reminded me of
something more, something I hadnever shared with anyone because
I never saw it as significantenough, but now it seems so
important when paired with theabove trauma.
(11:49):
I can still vividly rememberall of this.
I was about 10 years old and atmy grandparents' house again,
but this time with my wholefamily.
I was alone in one of thebedrooms and the younger boy
slash abuser walked in and shutthe door At 10,.
I did not consciously rememberwhat he had done to me five
(12:09):
years prior in the playroom.
All I knew was that I hadstrong negative feelings towards
him that I didn't understand.
When he walked in, I feltstrange.
I felt uncomfortable beingalone with him, but I assured
myself that everything was okay,since my whole family was right
outside.
I don't remember the turn ofevents, but I do clearly
(12:31):
remember that he pinned me tothe ground and sat on my lower
torso with his face looking downat mine.
Then he slapped my face as Istruggled.
He held my hands down.
His face was filled withpersonal warp delight as he
remained dominant.
I didn't scream, but I told himto stop.
I didn't want to scream andhave my parents see me in that
(12:52):
position.
I didn't want them to think Iwas silly for not wanting to
play with the young boy.
I also did not want everyone tothink I was freaking out for no
reason.
I was a physically strong girl,so I thought I could handle him
myself.
It annoyed me when I couldn'tget my control back and then I
was scared.
A few minutes later, someonewalked in the older boy.
(13:13):
Now I know him as the boy whowatched my abuser attack me so
many years before.
He opened the door, laughed andsaid "'You guys look busy'".
Then he left, closing the doorbehind him.
I stared at the door for a fewmoments.
I felt abandoned, alone, scared, discarded like rubbish in a
(13:34):
trash can.
Next, the abuser found more evilentertainment.
He started bouncing on my torso, which forced me to fart.
He got so much delight out offorcing me to make this noise.
I was so ashamed andembarrassed.
As a kid, farting in public wasfunny.
It was something I had controlover and could make light of.
(13:55):
But this this was nothing I hadcontrol over.
This boy forced my body tobetray me.
I went numb.
Eventually, my abuser got boredand left Alone on the bedroom
floor.
I felt shame.
I felt taken advantage of andpowerless, but at the same time
I saw myself as a strong girlwho could take care of herself.
(14:17):
Some of the shame came from notbeing strong enough to get him
off of me.
I was always able to hold myown when wrestling with my
brother, but wrestling with thisboy felt much different.
At 10 years old I knew what wasinappropriate and what was not.
I knew not to let people touchcertain parts and do certain
(14:37):
things, but I couldn't say forsure if the stuff this boy did
was inappropriate.
He's family.
I wrestle with my brother.
Is that what this boy and Iwere doing?
I didn't wanna wrestle him andI told him no, but maybe I was
making a big deal out of nothing.
I thought At the time my10-year-old brain could not
process this kind ofpsychological trauma and I
(15:00):
didn't understand how tointerpret my feelings.
After he left, I went back tothe living room with the rest of
my family and acted as ifnothing had happened.
I didn't tell anyone about thisevent until now, as I write this
book.
Looking back, it was 100%inappropriate.
Even if it had been my ownbrother, it would have been
(15:22):
inappropriate.
I said no and he didn't stop.
I didn't wanna play and hewouldn't listen.
He used his strength and powerto physically dominate me to get
what he wanted.
He disrespected my body, usedit against me and disregarded my
feelings completely.
That was wrong.
(15:43):
What would I say to 10-year-oldStephanie who didn't know what
had happened to her when she wasfive?
I would tell her everything,big and small.
Even things that seem silly andunimportant need to be talked
about.
Tell a parent, tell a trustedadult.
If they don't listen, tellanother.
We're only as sick as oursecrets.
(16:03):
You will learn that importantlesson in 17 years during
recovery.
What happened to you was 100%not your fault.
You are not responsible forthose horrible events.
You are strong, and strengthcomes in many forms.
It takes a lot of strength andcourage to talk about this and I
know you have that strength.
(16:23):
You've been told not to talk tostrangers and not let anyone
touch your personal places.
Well, this boy is not astranger and he technically did
not touch those places.
Life is pretty simple at 10years old and I wish it could
have stayed that way for you.
But everything is not black andwhite.
What he did to you is physicaland psychological trauma and
(16:44):
it's not okay.
The overwhelming emotionalscars will not go away until you
start to talk about it.
There is nothing to beembarrassed about.
Go tell mom.
But if you don't do that today,that's alright, we'll deal with
it together in time.
Love, 32 year old stuff.
You might be wondering if Iever confronted this boy.
(17:05):
No, as the victim, I don't needto be in the presence of his
face ever again.
You might be wondering if Iforgave those boys.
At the time of my inventory Ithought I had, but as I wrote
about these events in this bookI realized I had not More on
that later.
Beth (17:23):
So I have some questions.
Was there ever another timethat you had to be alone with
them?
It's hard to say.
Steph (17:30):
I don't remember a lot of my time at my grandparents'
house and I think we can kind offigure out why.
Yeah, I probably.
Since I was 10, I've probablyseen them maybe five more times.
Yeah, my grandmother passed in09-ish and I went back for the
(17:58):
funeral.
I saw the older boy who wasmarried with a kid or two.
Now I don't remember seeing theyounger boy.
I don't think I've seen him inperson.
It's been forever.
Yeah, yeah, and I haven't beenback to my grandparents' house
since I didn't go to mygrandfather's funeral.
Beth (18:20):
Do you have any insight into, maybe, why they acted this
way, because it seems to methat they were probably being
treated this way in order totreat others this way.
Do you know what I mean?
Steph (18:34):
I mean, I obviously have no insight into what happens
behind the closed doors offamilies.
I know their parents.
Obviously.
I don't know them well becausewe never lived in the same state
so we never spent a significanttime together.
I would never call them friends.
(18:54):
I don't think we're evenFacebook.
I know I'm not Facebook friendswith them.
Actually.
Maybe at some point I was.
So I don't know, but I do know alot of school shootings happen
with young white angry boys.
Yeah, why, why is that?
I don't know Exactly, and Iknow they're white angry little
(19:17):
boys.
So I don't know.
I don't know why this continuesto be a thing in our society as
these young white boys and useviolence in this way and think
they can treat women in thismanner.
I don't like it.
I think if we knew the answer,we probably would have less of
(19:40):
this happening.
So I don't know.
Do I suspect something withinthat family?
I don't.
I never saw again.
I spent very little time withthem, but I would not jump to
say that this was happeningbehind closed doors for them.
Beth (20:01):
Well, and it happened to you and you didn't turn around
and do it to others.
So it's not always a directcorrelation.
I'm just curious about it.
Steph (20:08):
Yeah, I mean, I do think you can create an environment
where, well, I do think there isan environment where white boys
feel a certain privilege inthis country and a certain
domination that they're allowedover women.
I do think there is that in,especially in the 90s, that was
being presented to these youngboys that this is okay, they can
(20:31):
do what they want.
There's obviously a lot of goodwhite men out there.
So again, I don't want topigeonhole every little boy from
the 90s, obviously, but I dosee how this could come out of
where society was at and wheresociety still is at in a lot of
(20:53):
ways, sadly.
We have made progress, but asmuch as we make progress, we
also go back a lot, as we'veseen.
As we get older we see, oh wait, we've dealt with this already.
Oh really, we're back there.
Okay, great Much of myinventory was about the ugly
stuff in life and examining mypart, if any, in it and making
(21:14):
amends where needed.
But it was also about thepositive side of life.
I learned that it was just asimportant to list the good
people in it.
This was more challenging thanI thought it would be.
When I think of the good, Itend to brush it off as some
good stuff happened.
But look at all this bad stuff.
When I sat down and allowedmyself to look at my life in
this way, so many names came tomind Megan, sweet Megan.
(21:38):
My college roommate, showed meso much compassion when I needed
it the most.
Daniel and Jason from Applehelped me learn to trust men.
My nephews showed me what purelove looks like.
The women who were there for mein middle school and high
school and still in my lifetoday.
My Girl Scout ladies helped meso much, as has my aunt, uncle,
(21:59):
mom and so many more.
I had spent so much of my lifefocused on the bad that I forgot
to balance it out.
Fortunately, my CR inventoryhelped me take a long look at
the good.
So this is something I stillstruggle with in life is there's
a lot of good in my life andthen I tend to focus on the bad,
(22:20):
and I focus on one bad one badone death, and then I spiral.
Is that something that you'vestruggled with?
Beth (22:26):
I'm probably more the opposite, that I think A little
bit of bad happened, but look atall this good.
Steph (22:33):
So how do you focus on the good without really focusing
on the bad?
Beth (22:38):
Well, I don't know that it's necessarily healthy to
focus on the good, because Ithink when I'm doing that, when
I'm like, oh, a little bit ofbad happened, I'm really
practicing denial and I'm reallystuffing it away, and then it
just waits.
You know, it just waits and itgrows.
So I don't think that that'snecessarily a healthier approach
.
Steph (22:56):
I guess for me it's not necessarily like that I'm
dealing with the bad stuff, butsometimes I focus on the stuff
that there's really nothing thatcan be dealt with.
Like there's a situation goingon in my neighborhood right now
and it's really been stressingme out and like really like
making me, like I'm like, well,if this happens and this happens
(23:17):
and this happens, then I'm in acardboard box you know, and
it's like a spiral and that'snot helping because I'm not
really working on it.
Yeah, so I guess that's reallywhat I'm talking about is the
catastrophizing of things.
So how do you do that?
Or do you think what you do?
Because you're saying what youdo is not healthy, but I don't.
It's not healthy tocatastrophize, which is what I
(23:38):
do.
Beth (23:39):
I don't tend to catastrophize and I'm pretty
good at spotting it becauseSteve and my husband does.
Okay, Every gift has a shadow,has a shadow side, and like he
has this gift for orderingthings and like being able to
look ahead and kind of see thepitfalls that will come so that
he can navigate around them,which is a tremendous gift.
(24:01):
The shadow side is you see allthe freaking pitfalls before
they even happen, which meansyou have you're in a frame of
mind where all the pitfalls aregonna happen.
So he does tend tocatastrophize.
We've talked about it a lot.
We're both you know, so we wereboth aware of and working on.
So in general, I don't do that.
However, however, when it comesto church things not my
(24:23):
congregation but when it comesto, like, denominational things
that are completely out of mycontrol, I do tend to go there.
So it's like the more control Ihave, the less I tend to think
about the bad things.
Like the more the more controlinfluence I have, the more that
I'm really focused on thepositive, and when things are
out of my control, I tend tofocus more on the negative.
Steph (24:46):
And I don't know if this is like a personality trait, but
like I can easily connect tobad over connecting to good, and
maybe that's kind of whatStephen has is he connects to
that bad.
Like that, like think throughthe process Instead of like,
does he focus on good.
(25:06):
Does he like recognize good?
Or to me, good is like, ofcourse, yeah, that's there, but
the bad?
Like that's how my brain works.
Beth (25:15):
I think he would say I don't have to prepare for the
good.
Steph (25:18):
Yeah, it's just there.
Beth (25:20):
Yeah, of course.
Of course it was good.
I don't have to think about thegood.
I have to think about the bad,because I've got to prepare for
it, I've got to adjust for it,I've got to work around it, I've
got to prevent it.
So the good doesn't need to bethought about.
Steph (25:31):
Well, I guess that's how I am too.
It's like, well, but it's soimportant to look at the good,
even though it seems like ohfrivolous.
I guess to me it almost seemsfrivolous to like think about
good stuff because it'shappening, whatever, but this
stuff, this is what we need tobe stewing up.
Beth (25:48):
So I'm so interested that your CR inventory helped you
look at the positive, because Ihave no memory of that being
part of it.
I only remember stressing outabout the not positive.
Steph (25:59):
Yes, I think that's the overarching fear of writing the
inventory.
Is that negative stuff?
But I do remember specificallylike really focusing on the
negative and then talking to mysponsor about it and her really
pushing for me to look at thepositive and to be conscious of
that, because that is as much ofthe inventory, as much as the
bad stuff.
(26:19):
It's just like and again like,my personality is like bad, bad,
bad, good stuff, of course,good stuff, but bad, bad, bad.
So you don't remember thinkingabout the positive.
Beth (26:30):
I do not remember, and maybe it's because I kind of
fudged the sponsor part rightCause I just had our step study
leader like be the person I gavemy but you didn't really talk
it through before you wrote itwith her Right.
So maybe that's why I onlyremember the stuff that scared
me.
Steph (26:49):
When I neared the end of my step study, my leader said
that in the last step a miraclehappens.
I know Jesus performs somecrazy miracles, so I kind of
thought I might be able to turnwater into wine at the end of
the study.
Well, that didn't happen, but Idid feel a huge sense of a
release, gratitude and power.
I felt in control and powerful,with my past no longer
(27:12):
controlling my life.
So what did I do with all ofthese new feelings?
I started another step study.
I waited a few months.
Then I co-led a study with myprevious leader.
We had another small group andit was just as hard and
emotional as the first time.
But at the end of the secondone I had a huge realization,
miracle moment.
(27:32):
It's gonna sound so obvious anddull, but it was almost life
changing for me.
My miracle moment was realizingthe recovery is never over.
Life happens every day, meaningthat I will always have
emotional and painful stuff todeal with.
I'll never be fixed.
The PTSD, self-injury,depression and abuse will never
(27:54):
be erased from my life.
Like an alcoholic who's inrecovery their whole life, I
will also be in recovery mywhole life.
But day 300 looks way differentthan day one.
My mental struggles do notcontrol me.
I recognize them faster anddeal with them promptly.
End of chapter 13.
(28:14):
That was so positive and happy,right, Don't you think?
Beth (28:18):
That ended so positive and happy.
And the thing about the miracle.
It reminds me like there's awhole, there's a little phrase
about it, right, like don't missthe miracle, like don't give up
because the miracle is coming,yeah.
Steph (28:33):
Which I think is like kind of a big oversell, like the
miracle.
Like oh my gosh, that's likethat's asking for a lot.
Beth (28:41):
Right, that's like walking on water or, you know, being
able to spontaneously healsomeone of an incurable disease.
That's what you think, yeah.
Steph (28:49):
But I think that's what I learned, though, is like
ultimately, a miracle is notthose like big, huge things that
we think of.
It's.
It's something as subtle, asI'm always going to be dealing
with recovery, and that's not asad thing, and I still am.
I'm still dealing with thesethings, it.
(29:12):
These are not the things thatswirl, the bad things I've been
talking.
These are not the things thatI'm like stressing about.
I don't stress about when I'mgoing to have a flashback to, um
, you know, the mental hospital,or when I'm going to have to
deal with sticky stuff, but whenI, when it comes up, I deal
with it, I live in it for amoment, and then I move on and
(29:33):
um, and in a way, in a way thatis miraculous, that it doesn't
control you anymore and gettingto a place of being able to
accept our own individualjourneys.
Beth (29:44):
That has you know, maybe miraculous isn't too big of a
word to put on it, because it'snot something we should take for
granted.
I remember, um, when my kidswere still I think they were
both still toddlers and I wasreally struggling, struggling
with anger, and I was just.
(30:05):
It didn't like myself as a momand I didn't.
I felt like God had made amistake to let me be a mom, like
I was really in the thick of itand I went to to some event.
The speaker said somethingabout how we would always be on
a journey and that we wouldnever get to the place, like we
would never get to the placewhere, where we had finished our
(30:28):
journey, and I wept becausethat was so disheartening to me,
because I just thought this is,this is too hard, I don't, I
don't want to be here forever.
Now I understand that she wastrying to communicate what
you've communicated in your book.
Right, that you're, you're notalways going to be here forever.
You're, you're not always goingto be in this place, in this
(30:52):
hard place.
This hard place is going to beone one piece of your journey.
Something about the hard placewill always be with you, but
you're going to.
You're going to heal and you'regoing to going to be able to
release some of the power it hasover you so that you can move
on and get to the next part ofyour journey.
You know, when she said it, forsome reason I felt like it
(31:13):
meant I was always going to bestuck.
Steph (31:15):
Yeah, I was going to be in the same place, yeah, which
is actually the opposite of whatshe's saying.
She said it's a journey, and ifyou just visualize a journey,
you continuously are moving andyou're seeing new locations and
you're and you're going forward,and so it actually.
It actually is like thatbeautiful thing of like this
will not be, as you will notever be as close to this thing
(31:37):
as you are right now, becauseyou will continue to put one
foot in front of the other andyou will get farther from this
thing.
It's still going to be there,it'll still be behind you in
that path.
So you still have that.
That you'll need to.
You know, process but it won'tbe.
You know, with that distancethough it won't be as hard as it
was when you're right next toit and that's exactly how I feel
about the stuff is, it getseasier to deal with.
(32:00):
It's not completely ever justgoing away and sometimes, you
know, sometimes there'll be ayear where it's like I didn't
even think of self-injury oranything.
You know just like, oh man, Iforgot that that was a thing,
and then it will come back andthat'll be okay and I just, you
know, process it and continue myjourney.
(32:27):
At the Indie Beach episode.
We end with questions forreflection.
These are questions based ontoday's show that Beth will read
and leave a little pausebetween for you to answer to
yourself, or you can find thewritten in the description
Number one have you ever takenan inventory of your life?
Beth (32:41):
Would you consider it and where would you start?
Number two do you have a quirklike Steph's, aversion to sticky
things?
Where do you think it comesfrom?
Number three have you ever beenharmed by a family member or
someone you trusted?
Number four do you tend tofocus on the positive or
negative things in life.
Do you want that to change?
And number five reflect on amiracle moment you've
(33:04):
experienced in your life.
Steph (33:08):
This has been the Discovering Arts Grows podcast.
Thank you for joining us.
Welcome to the Discovering Our Scars podcast
where we show personalexperiences so we can learn from
each other.
I'm Steph and I'm Beth.
I've been in recovery for 17years and am the author of
Discovering my Scars, my memoirabout what's done in the
darkness eventually comes tolight.
Beth (00:17):
I'm a lawyer turned pastor who's all about self-awareness
and emotional health, because Iknow what it's like to have
neither of those things.
Steph (00:23):
Beth and I've been friends for years, have gone
through a recovery programtogether, and when I wanted to
start a podcast, she was theonly name that came to mind as
co-host.
Beth (00:30):
I didn't hesitate to say yes because I've learned a lot
from sharing personalexperiences with Steph over the
years.
We value honest conversationsand we hope you do too.
On today's show, we're going tohave an honest conversation
titled Discovering my ScarsChapter 13.
Steph (00:43):
In the show, we'll close with questions for reflection.
We'll invite you to reflect onthe conversation in your own
life.
Beth (00:48):
So we're diving back into your memoir Discovering my Scars
.
Maybe we could do like asummary of, in case you maybe
haven't listened to all theother 12 episodes that have been
directly about the book.
Where we've we listened to theaudio version of the book and
then we pause it and we talkabout it.
At this point in the book we'vetalked about your okay,
(01:13):
incarceration is not the rightword, but you're like oh my gosh
.
Steph (01:16):
No, I was not incarcerated.
Beth (01:18):
But you were like held in a mental hospital and they
wouldn't let you leave, and soit's like it has that feel to me
of like an involuntary stay.
So you've been in and out of amental hospital, which in, and
then out in one time out onetime and that traumatic
experience left you with PTSDCorrect, and we've talked about
(01:42):
that in the book right.
Steph (01:45):
And then the story basically goes into what
happened after I got out of themental hospital five years later
, discovering the PTSD and thengoing through the healing and
recovery of that process.
And the last chapter was aboutcelebrate recovery, where we met
and was a Christian centeredrecovery.
And then this chapter is goingto be kind of a continuation of
(02:09):
what happened next in celebraterecovery.
Perfect Chapter 13 inventory.
With my sponsor by my side, Imove forward in my step study.
Each lesson had its ownchallenges and tough questions,
but the main event is theinventory.
The CR four step is this wemade a searching and fearless
(02:30):
moral inventory of ourselves.
For a lot of group members,this step is a make or break
moment.
It's so emotionally challengingthat many people leave their
step study.
At this point I did not want tobe that person.
No one in my group wanted to bethat person.
So we all pushed through andcompleted it promptly.
Beth (02:49):
Okay, I'm sorry to stop you already, but I totally
wanted to bail at this step.
So I appreciate that you say noone in the group wanted to be
that person.
It was totally the peerpressure that kept me in because
this step was so hard anduncomfortable.
And this step is the thing that, when I think about, maybe I
(03:13):
could, maybe I could or would doa step study again, this, this
step and the next step, stepsfour and five are the things
that made me go.
No, I think that that's notgoing to be right for me right
now.
Steph (03:29):
Do you think?
The writing, the inventory orsharing?
Beth (03:33):
the inventory was harder.
I think it was the sharing.
But you know, as I was writingit I knew I was going to have to
share it.
Yeah, and so both of themtogether, just really, man, you
know, it's been years and Istill remember not wanting to do
it and I remember having a hardtime with it.
You know, just, whoo, that washard.
(03:53):
I mean, just think about that.
A searching and fearless moralinventory.
It's like everything that hasbeen done to you and everything
you have done to others, andsearching and fearless, which
means you do not hold back, youhave to put it all out there.
That's hard.
Steph (04:17):
It was very draining and yet cleansing to write my
inventory.
It involved me examining mylife and writing down
significant events that hadaffected me, such as what had
happened to me as a baby.
Most of the items on my listwere things I knew about, but as
I started prodding, new thingscame to light.
As far back as I can remember,I have hated sticky things.
(04:39):
Stickers, tape, bandages,anything that can stick to one
thing and then stick tosomething else.
It's okay if I'm the firstperson to touch it, but if I see
something sticky on the groundor a kid put something sticky on
me, I'm not having it.
I even cringe a little writingabout it.
I know this is a little weird.
So I dug deeper to see if Icould find the root of this
(05:00):
phobia.
I prayed about finding thetruth and, with mustard seed
faith again, god showed me theway.
The scene I was five years old,in the playroom at my
grandparents' house my brotherand I were visiting for a few
weeks without our parents.
The playroom, really more of abuilding, was separate from my
grandparents' house and I was inthere alone with two older boy
(05:23):
family members who were six andeleven.
My brother, who was nine at thetime, was not with me.
I continued to watch as Godshowed me what happened.
The younger boy started pokingfun at me, while the other boy
just stood and watched.
The younger one started callingme names, pushing me around and
using me as his plaything.
(05:44):
I fought back.
I was a pretty strong littlegirl.
I told him I was going to tellGrandma he was being mean to me,
but this only seemed to fuelhis fire and he became more
aggressive.
He grabbed my whole body so Icould not move my arms or legs.
He pinned me to the ground withmy back on the floor.
I was screaming and panic andhe tried to shut me up.
He grabbed a dirty roll of ducttape from the ground and put a
(06:07):
piece over my mouth.
He seemed pleased with himself,but I was still in a desperate
fight to get away.
He taped my legs together toprevent me from running.
Then he taped my arms together,pulling them behind my head and
taping them to a piece of oldexercise equipment.
He then sat on me right belowmy torso so he could look right
in my face.
He had a look of pure evil,full of aggression and power.
(06:31):
I was still struggling and hewas not satisfied.
He slapped me a few times inthe face.
Then he banged my head a fewtimes against the floor.
Then I was silent and he wassatisfied with his work.
Breathe.
This is a lot to take in.
This is me, 32 year old Steph,writing on my computer.
(06:53):
This is a lot to put on digitalpaper.
I don't write it to blame, Iwrite it for healing.
This violent scene has beenshown to me by the power of God
and I'm the first to question it.
How was any of this possible?
How could I not remember?
But God can show it to me.
I spent days, months and yearswrestling with these questions.
(07:15):
But where does my peace andreassurance that this is the
truth from God come?
From Faith.
My faith grew to the size of amustard seed years before, and
nothing is impossible when itcomes to my Father.
God is my one and only truthfulFather.
Because of that, god alsoshowed me what happened after I
(07:36):
passed out.
As I lay unconscious, theyounger boy did a few more
things to me.
Then the older boy started toget a little nervous.
He told the younger one to takethe tape off and leave, as
someone might come and see.
My abuser begrudgingly removedthe duct tape and left.
When I came to, I didn't knowwhat had happened.
(07:56):
I didn't know why I was in theplayroom.
I had gone there many times toget grape soda from the big
fridge.
I assumed that was why I wasthere.
So after I regainedconsciousness, I got my soda and
went back to the main house.
Beth (08:12):
Steph, that is so heavy.
Steph (08:15):
Yeah, and it all came out of being annoyed that I don't
like sticky things, which is sosuch a weird quirk really that I
had had my entire life that Ican really remember.
And it's such a thing that mostpeople that know me know this
(08:35):
about me and even my nibblingschildren to play with stickers.
People give stickers to kidsall the time.
We have raised them, all theparents have told them to not
put sticky things on me and ifthey do forget or something, and
then like I'm like don't do it,they like they don't try to
like play with Right.
(08:56):
It has like been such a thingin my life that and it was like
I never really thought too muchabout it.
I brought it up once in therapyand we never really like
examined it closer, but I justfelt like this nagging feeling
when I was writing my inventory,like there's something more
(09:17):
here, it can't just be this, andthat's what came out of that.
Beth (09:24):
I mean it starts out as like oh yeah, kids play.
You know kids, yeah, you knowyou had a relative that was like
, because you're related to theboys, right, like you had a
relative who was bullying you,and then it just takes this turn
where you're like that is waybeyond normal child's play and
it is abusive and awful.
(09:46):
And it pretty much happens in aninstant and no one's there, no
one did anything, and your heartand your mind are going to
protect you, which is why youdidn't remember this for so long
.
I will say one thing that Ilearned when my kids were little
that was really impactful andtransformative for me is the
(10:07):
tendency and maybe it's not thisway anymore, because it's been
a long time since I had littlekids but the tendency back then,
and the tendency when I wasgrowing up and probably when you
were growing up, was just whenyou would pick somebody up or
you would like go to pick themup from a grandparents house or
even from a babysitter, like, oh, were you a good boy?
Were you a good girl?
No, the question is how are you?
Did you have a good time?
(10:27):
Yeah, right.
And then and you don't ask itin front of the other grownups
you ask it when you're alone sothat they can really tell you
what happened.
Yeah, very small shift, butit's actually a big shift in
what you're communicating toyour kids about what you expect
of them.
Steph (10:46):
This event got buried.
The trauma was too great for afive-year-old to process.
It lived in my subconscious,coming out in my aversion to
tape.
Duck tape has always beenparticularly hard for me, and
now I know why.
When this new revelation wasshown to me while writing my
inventory, it was hard to digest.
It was even harder to take thanthe truth from when I was a
(11:08):
baby.
Sticky things have been such anissue for me for so long.
After learning where this camefrom, I became extremely angry.
The fact that this boy did suchawful things to me and an older
boy just watched infuriated me.
It was pure evil.
I spent a lot of time workingthrough this one.
(11:28):
This abuse from my family wasthe hardest part to accept on my
inventory.
Although I tried, I couldn'tforgive them at the time.
After adding this trauma to myinventory, it reminded me of
something more, something I hadnever shared with anyone because
I never saw it as significantenough, but now it seems so
important when paired with theabove trauma.
(11:49):
I can still vividly rememberall of this.
I was about 10 years old and atmy grandparents' house again,
but this time with my wholefamily.
I was alone in one of thebedrooms and the younger boy
slash abuser walked in and shutthe door At 10,.
I did not consciously rememberwhat he had done to me five
(12:09):
years prior in the playroom.
All I knew was that I hadstrong negative feelings towards
him that I didn't understand.
When he walked in, I feltstrange.
I felt uncomfortable beingalone with him, but I assured
myself that everything was okay,since my whole family was right
outside.
I don't remember the turn ofevents, but I do clearly
(12:31):
remember that he pinned me tothe ground and sat on my lower
torso with his face looking downat mine.
Then he slapped my face as Istruggled.
He held my hands down.
His face was filled withpersonal warp delight as he
remained dominant.
I didn't scream, but I told himto stop.
I didn't want to scream andhave my parents see me in that
(12:52):
position.
I didn't want them to think Iwas silly for not wanting to
play with the young boy.
I also did not want everyone tothink I was freaking out for no
reason.
I was a physically strong girl,so I thought I could handle him
myself.
It annoyed me when I couldn'tget my control back and then I
was scared.
A few minutes later, someonewalked in the older boy.
(13:13):
Now I know him as the boy whowatched my abuser attack me so
many years before.
He opened the door, laughed andsaid "'You guys look busy'".
Then he left, closing the doorbehind him.
I stared at the door for a fewmoments.
I felt abandoned, alone, scared, discarded like rubbish in a
(13:34):
trash can.
Next, the abuser found more evilentertainment.
He started bouncing on my torso, which forced me to fart.
He got so much delight out offorcing me to make this noise.
I was so ashamed andembarrassed.
As a kid, farting in public wasfunny.
It was something I had controlover and could make light of.
(13:55):
But this this was nothing I hadcontrol over.
This boy forced my body tobetray me.
I went numb.
Eventually, my abuser got boredand left Alone on the bedroom
floor.
I felt shame.
I felt taken advantage of andpowerless, but at the same time
I saw myself as a strong girlwho could take care of herself.
(14:17):
Some of the shame came from notbeing strong enough to get him
off of me.
I was always able to hold myown when wrestling with my
brother, but wrestling with thisboy felt much different.
At 10 years old I knew what wasinappropriate and what was not.
I knew not to let people touchcertain parts and do certain
(14:37):
things, but I couldn't say forsure if the stuff this boy did
was inappropriate.
He's family.
I wrestle with my brother.
Is that what this boy and Iwere doing?
I didn't wanna wrestle him andI told him no, but maybe I was
making a big deal out of nothing.
I thought At the time my10-year-old brain could not
process this kind ofpsychological trauma and I
(15:00):
didn't understand how tointerpret my feelings.
After he left, I went back tothe living room with the rest of
my family and acted as ifnothing had happened.
I didn't tell anyone about thisevent until now, as I write this
book.
Looking back, it was 100%inappropriate.
Even if it had been my ownbrother, it would have been
(15:22):
inappropriate.
I said no and he didn't stop.
I didn't wanna play and hewouldn't listen.
He used his strength and powerto physically dominate me to get
what he wanted.
He disrespected my body, usedit against me and disregarded my
feelings completely.
That was wrong.
(15:43):
What would I say to 10-year-oldStephanie who didn't know what
had happened to her when she wasfive?
I would tell her everything,big and small.
Even things that seem silly andunimportant need to be talked
about.
Tell a parent, tell a trustedadult.
If they don't listen, tellanother.
We're only as sick as oursecrets.
(16:03):
You will learn that importantlesson in 17 years during
recovery.
What happened to you was 100%not your fault.
You are not responsible forthose horrible events.
You are strong, and strengthcomes in many forms.
It takes a lot of strength andcourage to talk about this and I
know you have that strength.
(16:23):
You've been told not to talk tostrangers and not let anyone
touch your personal places.
Well, this boy is not astranger and he technically did
not touch those places.
Life is pretty simple at 10years old and I wish it could
have stayed that way for you.
But everything is not black andwhite.
What he did to you is physicaland psychological trauma and
(16:44):
it's not okay.
The overwhelming emotionalscars will not go away until you
start to talk about it.
There is nothing to beembarrassed about.
Go tell mom.
But if you don't do that today,that's alright, we'll deal with
it together in time.
Love, 32 year old stuff.
You might be wondering if Iever confronted this boy.
(17:05):
No, as the victim, I don't needto be in the presence of his
face ever again.
You might be wondering if Iforgave those boys.
At the time of my inventory Ithought I had, but as I wrote
about these events in this bookI realized I had not More on
that later.
Beth (17:23):
So I have some questions.
Was there ever another timethat you had to be alone with
them?
It's hard to say.
Steph (17:30):
I don't remember a lot of my time at my grandparents'
house and I think we can kind offigure out why.
Yeah, I probably.
Since I was 10, I've probablyseen them maybe five more times.
Yeah, my grandmother passed in09-ish and I went back for the
(17:58):
funeral.
I saw the older boy who wasmarried with a kid or two.
Now I don't remember seeing theyounger boy.
I don't think I've seen him inperson.
It's been forever.
Yeah, yeah, and I haven't beenback to my grandparents' house
since I didn't go to mygrandfather's funeral.
Beth (18:20):
Do you have any insight into, maybe, why they acted this
way, because it seems to methat they were probably being
treated this way in order totreat others this way.
Do you know what I mean?
Steph (18:34):
I mean, I obviously have no insight into what happens
behind the closed doors offamilies.
I know their parents.
Obviously.
I don't know them well becausewe never lived in the same state
so we never spent a significanttime together.
I would never call them friends.
(18:54):
I don't think we're evenFacebook.
I know I'm not Facebook friendswith them.
Actually.
Maybe at some point I was.
So I don't know, but I do know alot of school shootings happen
with young white angry boys.
Yeah, why, why is that?
I don't know Exactly, and Iknow they're white angry little
(19:17):
boys.
So I don't know.
I don't know why this continuesto be a thing in our society as
these young white boys and useviolence in this way and think
they can treat women in thismanner.
I don't like it.
I think if we knew the answer,we probably would have less of
(19:40):
this happening.
So I don't know.
Do I suspect something withinthat family?
I don't.
I never saw again.
I spent very little time withthem, but I would not jump to
say that this was happeningbehind closed doors for them.
Beth (20:01):
Well, and it happened to you and you didn't turn around
and do it to others.
So it's not always a directcorrelation.
I'm just curious about it.
Steph (20:08):
Yeah, I mean, I do think you can create an environment
where, well, I do think there isan environment where white boys
feel a certain privilege inthis country and a certain
domination that they're allowedover women.
I do think there is that in,especially in the 90s, that was
being presented to these youngboys that this is okay, they can
(20:31):
do what they want.
There's obviously a lot of goodwhite men out there.
So again, I don't want topigeonhole every little boy from
the 90s, obviously, but I dosee how this could come out of
where society was at and wheresociety still is at in a lot of
(20:53):
ways, sadly.
We have made progress, but asmuch as we make progress, we
also go back a lot, as we'veseen.
As we get older we see, oh wait, we've dealt with this already.
Oh really, we're back there.
Okay, great Much of myinventory was about the ugly
stuff in life and examining mypart, if any, in it and making
(21:14):
amends where needed.
But it was also about thepositive side of life.
I learned that it was just asimportant to list the good
people in it.
This was more challenging thanI thought it would be.
When I think of the good, Itend to brush it off as some
good stuff happened.
But look at all this bad stuff.
When I sat down and allowedmyself to look at my life in
this way, so many names came tomind Megan, sweet Megan.
(21:38):
My college roommate, showed meso much compassion when I needed
it the most.
Daniel and Jason from Applehelped me learn to trust men.
My nephews showed me what purelove looks like.
The women who were there for mein middle school and high
school and still in my lifetoday.
My Girl Scout ladies helped meso much, as has my aunt, uncle,
(21:59):
mom and so many more.
I had spent so much of my lifefocused on the bad that I forgot
to balance it out.
Fortunately, my CR inventoryhelped me take a long look at
the good.
So this is something I stillstruggle with in life is there's
a lot of good in my life andthen I tend to focus on the bad,
(22:20):
and I focus on one bad one badone death, and then I spiral.
Is that something that you'vestruggled with?
Beth (22:26):
I'm probably more the opposite, that I think A little
bit of bad happened, but look atall this good.
Steph (22:33):
So how do you focus on the good without really focusing
on the bad?
Beth (22:38):
Well, I don't know that it's necessarily healthy to
focus on the good, because Ithink when I'm doing that, when
I'm like, oh, a little bit ofbad happened, I'm really
practicing denial and I'm reallystuffing it away, and then it
just waits.
You know, it just waits and itgrows.
So I don't think that that'snecessarily a healthier approach
.
Steph (22:56):
I guess for me it's not necessarily like that I'm
dealing with the bad stuff, butsometimes I focus on the stuff
that there's really nothing thatcan be dealt with.
Like there's a situation goingon in my neighborhood right now
and it's really been stressingme out and like really like
making me, like I'm like, well,if this happens and this happens
(23:17):
and this happens, then I'm in acardboard box you know, and
it's like a spiral and that'snot helping because I'm not
really working on it.
Yeah, so I guess that's reallywhat I'm talking about is the
catastrophizing of things.
So how do you do that?
Or do you think what you do?
Because you're saying what youdo is not healthy, but I don't.
It's not healthy tocatastrophize, which is what I
(23:38):
do.
Beth (23:39):
I don't tend to catastrophize and I'm pretty
good at spotting it becauseSteve and my husband does.
Okay, Every gift has a shadow,has a shadow side, and like he
has this gift for orderingthings and like being able to
look ahead and kind of see thepitfalls that will come so that
he can navigate around them,which is a tremendous gift.
(24:01):
The shadow side is you see allthe freaking pitfalls before
they even happen, which meansyou have you're in a frame of
mind where all the pitfalls aregonna happen.
So he does tend tocatastrophize.
We've talked about it a lot.
We're both you know, so we wereboth aware of and working on.
So in general, I don't do that.
However, however, when it comesto church things not my
(24:23):
congregation but when it comesto, like, denominational things
that are completely out of mycontrol, I do tend to go there.
So it's like the more control Ihave, the less I tend to think
about the bad things.
Like the more the more controlinfluence I have, the more that
I'm really focused on thepositive, and when things are
out of my control, I tend tofocus more on the negative.
Steph (24:46):
And I don't know if this is like a personality trait, but
like I can easily connect tobad over connecting to good, and
maybe that's kind of whatStephen has is he connects to
that bad.
Like that, like think throughthe process Instead of like,
does he focus on good.
(25:06):
Does he like recognize good?
Or to me, good is like, ofcourse, yeah, that's there, but
the bad?
Like that's how my brain works.
Beth (25:15):
I think he would say I don't have to prepare for the
good.
Steph (25:18):
Yeah, it's just there.
Beth (25:20):
Yeah, of course.
Of course it was good.
I don't have to think about thegood.
I have to think about the bad,because I've got to prepare for
it, I've got to adjust for it,I've got to work around it, I've
got to prevent it.
So the good doesn't need to bethought about.
Steph (25:31):
Well, I guess that's how I am too.
It's like, well, but it's soimportant to look at the good,
even though it seems like ohfrivolous.
I guess to me it almost seemsfrivolous to like think about
good stuff because it'shappening, whatever, but this
stuff, this is what we need tobe stewing up.
Beth (25:48):
So I'm so interested that your CR inventory helped you
look at the positive, because Ihave no memory of that being
part of it.
I only remember stressing outabout the not positive.
Steph (25:59):
Yes, I think that's the overarching fear of writing the
inventory.
Is that negative stuff?
But I do remember specificallylike really focusing on the
negative and then talking to mysponsor about it and her really
pushing for me to look at thepositive and to be conscious of
that, because that is as much ofthe inventory, as much as the
bad stuff.
(26:19):
It's just like and again like,my personality is like bad, bad,
bad, good stuff, of course,good stuff, but bad, bad, bad.
So you don't remember thinkingabout the positive.
Beth (26:30):
I do not remember, and maybe it's because I kind of
fudged the sponsor part rightCause I just had our step study
leader like be the person I gavemy but you didn't really talk
it through before you wrote itwith her Right.
So maybe that's why I onlyremember the stuff that scared
me.
Steph (26:49):
When I neared the end of my step study, my leader said
that in the last step a miraclehappens.
I know Jesus performs somecrazy miracles, so I kind of
thought I might be able to turnwater into wine at the end of
the study.
Well, that didn't happen, but Idid feel a huge sense of a
release, gratitude and power.
I felt in control and powerful,with my past no longer
(27:12):
controlling my life.
So what did I do with all ofthese new feelings?
I started another step study.
I waited a few months.
Then I co-led a study with myprevious leader.
We had another small group andit was just as hard and
emotional as the first time.
But at the end of the secondone I had a huge realization,
miracle moment.
(27:32):
It's gonna sound so obvious anddull, but it was almost life
changing for me.
My miracle moment was realizingthe recovery is never over.
Life happens every day, meaningthat I will always have
emotional and painful stuff todeal with.
I'll never be fixed.
The PTSD, self-injury,depression and abuse will never
(27:54):
be erased from my life.
Like an alcoholic who's inrecovery their whole life, I
will also be in recovery mywhole life.
But day 300 looks way differentthan day one.
My mental struggles do notcontrol me.
I recognize them faster anddeal with them promptly.
End of chapter 13.
(28:14):
That was so positive and happy,right, Don't you think?
Beth (28:18):
That ended so positive and happy.
And the thing about the miracle.
It reminds me like there's awhole, there's a little phrase
about it, right, like don't missthe miracle, like don't give up
because the miracle is coming,yeah.
Steph (28:33):
Which I think is like kind of a big oversell, like the
miracle.
Like oh my gosh, that's likethat's asking for a lot.
Beth (28:41):
Right, that's like walking on water or, you know, being
able to spontaneously healsomeone of an incurable disease.
That's what you think, yeah.
Steph (28:49):
But I think that's what I learned, though, is like
ultimately, a miracle is notthose like big, huge things that
we think of.
It's.
It's something as subtle, asI'm always going to be dealing
with recovery, and that's not asad thing, and I still am.
I'm still dealing with thesethings, it.
(29:12):
These are not the things thatswirl, the bad things I've been
talking.
These are not the things thatI'm like stressing about.
I don't stress about when I'mgoing to have a flashback to, um
, you know, the mental hospital,or when I'm going to have to
deal with sticky stuff, but whenI, when it comes up, I deal
with it, I live in it for amoment, and then I move on and
(29:33):
um, and in a way, in a way thatis miraculous, that it doesn't
control you anymore and gettingto a place of being able to
accept our own individualjourneys.
Beth (29:44):
That has you know, maybe miraculous isn't too big of a
word to put on it, because it'snot something we should take for
granted.
I remember, um, when my kidswere still I think they were
both still toddlers and I wasreally struggling, struggling
with anger, and I was just.
(30:05):
It didn't like myself as a momand I didn't.
I felt like God had made amistake to let me be a mom, like
I was really in the thick of itand I went to to some event.
The speaker said somethingabout how we would always be on
a journey and that we wouldnever get to the place, like we
would never get to the placewhere, where we had finished our
(30:28):
journey, and I wept becausethat was so disheartening to me,
because I just thought this is,this is too hard, I don't, I
don't want to be here forever.
Now I understand that she wastrying to communicate what
you've communicated in your book.
Right, that you're, you're notalways going to be here forever.
You're, you're not always goingto be in this place, in this
(30:52):
hard place.
This hard place is going to beone one piece of your journey.
Something about the hard placewill always be with you, but
you're going to.
You're going to heal and you'regoing to going to be able to
release some of the power it hasover you so that you can move
on and get to the next part ofyour journey.
You know, when she said it, forsome reason I felt like it
(31:13):
meant I was always going to bestuck.
Steph (31:15):
Yeah, I was going to be in the same place, yeah, which
is actually the opposite of whatshe's saying.
She said it's a journey, and ifyou just visualize a journey,
you continuously are moving andyou're seeing new locations and
you're and you're going forward,and so it actually.
It actually is like thatbeautiful thing of like this
will not be, as you will notever be as close to this thing
(31:37):
as you are right now, becauseyou will continue to put one
foot in front of the other andyou will get farther from this
thing.
It's still going to be there,it'll still be behind you in
that path.
So you still have that.
That you'll need to.
You know, process but it won'tbe.
You know, with that distancethough it won't be as hard as it
was when you're right next toit and that's exactly how I feel
about the stuff is, it getseasier to deal with.
(32:00):
It's not completely ever justgoing away and sometimes, you
know, sometimes there'll be ayear where it's like I didn't
even think of self-injury oranything.
You know just like, oh man, Iforgot that that was a thing,
and then it will come back andthat'll be okay and I just, you
know, process it and continue myjourney.
(32:27):
At the Indie Beach episode.
We end with questions forreflection.
These are questions based ontoday's show that Beth will read
and leave a little pausebetween for you to answer to
yourself, or you can find thewritten in the description
Number one have you ever takenan inventory of your life?
Beth (32:41):
Would you consider it and where would you start?
Number two do you have a quirklike Steph's, aversion to sticky
things?
Where do you think it comesfrom?
Number three have you ever beenharmed by a family member or
someone you trusted?
Number four do you tend tofocus on the positive or
negative things in life.
Do you want that to change?
And number five reflect on amiracle moment you've
(33:04):
experienced in your life.
Steph (33:08):
This has been the Discovering Arts Grows podcast.
Thank you for joining us.
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