October 10, 2025 • 26 mins
A uniform, a cigarette break, and a teenager who just wanted to feel seen—what starts as attention quickly reveals the blueprint of grooming and coercive control. We follow Sarah as a 16-year-old pulled into an adult’s orbit, pressured into marriage through a pregnancy ultimatum, and cut off from school, work, and friends. The twist that lands like a gut punch: the person who should have protected her becomes part of the harm, pushing “practical” choices that deepen dependency and, later, crossing a boundary that shatters trust at its core.
Across the conversation, we map the mechanics of abuse in plain language: how image and authority hide predatory behavior, why gaslighting targets your sense of reality, and how economic abuse traps survivors even when the truth is in their hands. Sarah’s story makes visible the quiet tactics—smear narratives, isolation, financial leverage—that turn a normal request for a break into “proof” of unfitness. When emails expose an affair denied to her face, the denial continues, under the guise of “counseling for the kids.” We talk frankly about why leaving isn’t simple when you have no GED, no savings, and a baby in your arms, and we point to what real support should look like: safe housing, childcare, documentation, and people who believe you before the receipts show up.
You’ll leave with a clearer lens for red flags—age secrecy, ultimatums, control of money and movement, triangulation inside a family—and a renewed respect for survivor instincts. If this story hits close to home, know you’re not alone and that help exists. Share this episode with someone who needs a reality check about coercive control, and if you have thoughts or a story to add, call 1-844-TELL-DTS. Subscribe, leave a review, and help us reach more listeners who might still be searching for the words to name what they’re living.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_02 (00:00):
This episode contains discussions of child
abuse, grooming, domesticviolence, and betrayal within
family systems.
Some of what you'll hear may bedistressing or triggering,
especially for survivors.
But please take care whilelistening.
Step away if you need to.
What you're about to hear is asurvivor's account of abuse,
(00:20):
told from their perspective.
The story reflects one person'slived experience.
Dismissed True Stories is not asubstitute for professional
counseling or emergencyservices.
If you are in immediate danger,please call 911.
Or if someone you love isexperiencing domestic violence,
you can call the NationalDomestic Violence Hotline at
(00:43):
1-800-799-7233 or text at STARTat 88-788 for confidential
support.
Listener discretion is advised.
(01:16):
This is season three, episodetwo.
If you haven't listened toepisode one yet, I suggest you
go back and start there becausethis season is going to make the
most sense when you listen inchronological order.
So let's catch you up to speed.
Just a quick recap.
We began Sarah's story when shewas a little girl, right?
(01:38):
She was just nine years old.
She just lost her dad, who wasthat one steady and safe person
in her world.
Then we heard about how hergrief was dismissed by her
mother, how she was leftvulnerable, and how in that time
of darkness for Sarah, she wasthen abused by a family friend.
(01:58):
And these experiences didn'tjust end in childhood.
They shaped how Sarah started tounderstand love, safety,
attention.
And by her teenage years, shewas still being neglected at
home and bullied at school.
So she says multiple times, likeshe started looking for love in
(02:19):
all the wrong places.
And then she started settlingfor scraps of attention from
boys at her school.
Um, she was telling herself thateven that exploitation from her
peers was better than beinginvisible.
And that is where we're gonnapick up today.
Sarah is 16 and she is exactlythe kind of vulnerable teenager
(02:43):
that predators look for.
And the man who noticed her?
SPEAKER_00 (02:47):
Um, so I was working a few different jobs as a
teenager because I wanted toescape from my home life, and I
had just started a new job at apizza shop, and I went outside
to have a cigarette break, anduh this police officer noticed
(03:09):
me because a crackhead hadwalked by and he was like, Hey,
can I bow him a smoke?
So I gave him one.
He went on about his way, andthe police officer approached
me, and I was I was like, Oh no,I'm gonna get in trouble for
underage smoking again.
Here we go.
I'm in trouble.
And he didn't care at all that Iwas smoking.
(03:30):
He was like, you know, youreally should be careful who you
talk to.
And um, so he just startsflirting with me, and he asked
me first my phone number, and Iwas happy to give it to him.
He was attractive, he was older,he was charming, and uh
pedophile.
SPEAKER_02 (03:49):
You were 16.
SPEAKER_00 (03:51):
Uh yeah, I mean, I didn't see that at the time.
All I could see was somebodyactually wants to talk to me,
somebody actually wants to spendtime with me, somebody actually
cares what I have to say.
So I didn't see any of thepredatory behavior, I didn't
notice any of the red flagsbecause when you're raised in
(04:13):
chaos, I had been absolutelystarved for love, starved for
attention.
And so I clung to anybody whowould show me any kind of
attention, and I believed thatthat was love.
SPEAKER_02 (04:24):
In your story, you said that you moved in with him
just two weeks after thisconversation.
SPEAKER_00 (04:32):
Yep.
I was 16, I dropped out ofschool, I moved in with him, and
I turned 17 shortly after Imoved in.
He would lie to his mother aboutmy age, try to get me to lie
about my age, and he wasembarrassed that he was with
somebody so young.
So his way of getting aroundthat was to just lie to
(04:53):
everybody about my age.
SPEAKER_02 (04:55):
What do you think his reason was for becoming so
controlling and manipulativedown the line?
SPEAKER_00 (05:03):
Need for control.
Maybe um, maybe he'd noticed thedesperation and wanting love,
wanting acceptance, wantingstability.
I just feel like he really tookadvantage of that.
SPEAKER_02 (05:17):
You guys actually had a child together.
SPEAKER_00 (05:20):
We did.
Yep.
I got pregnant at 17.
When I got pregnant, he asked meto marry him.
I told him that I really didwant to get married.
I was very happy with him, but Ialso did not want to get married
pregnant.
I didn't want to get married ata courthouse.
I didn't want to wear a useddress or be big and fat and
(05:41):
pregnant.
Um, I didn't want to get marriedin the middle of winter and in
an ice storm and have to weartennis shoes underneath my
wedding dress.
I didn't I didn't want any ofthat.
I wanted what a lot of womenwant.
And I it wasn't necessarily Ineeded some huge bridezilla
wedding or anything like that,but I just I wanted it to be a
(06:03):
little more special.
I didn't want to feel forced toget married just because I was
pregnant.
When I told him how I felt aboutit, and I said, you know, I do
want to get married, but can wewait until after the baby's
born?
Can we plan this out a littlebit better?
And he said, Well, if you don'twant to marry me, then I'm just
gonna leave you and you canraise this baby by yourself.
SPEAKER_02 (06:26):
I just have to call it how it is.
He wasn't embarrassed becausethis was some kind of forbidden
romance.
I mean, it was, but he wasembarrassed because he knew it
was wrong.
That's why he lied about herage.
That's why he asked her to lietoo.
He wasn't protecting her, he wasprotecting his image.
(06:47):
That's what abusers do.
They guard their reputation atall cost, even if that means
silencing the people that theyclaim to love.
Later, when Sarah becamepregnant, he gave her the the
ultimatum either marry me now orI'm gonna leave you to raise
(07:08):
this baby all alone.
That's not love.
That's not partnership, that iscontrol.
It's the abuser's playbook.
Basically a discard.
You need me, I don't need you.
So if you've ever been corneredinto a decision with a threat of
abandonment, please hear me now.
(07:32):
That wasn't love.
What that was was manipulation.
SPEAKER_00 (07:38):
And so I went to my mother and I was like, I don't
know what to do.
I I feel trapped.
I I can't be stuck raising thisbaby by myself.
And my mother's response wasthat she was getting a lot of
hospital and doctor bills undermy name because I was still a
dependent on her insurancebecause I wasn't even 18 years
(08:00):
old yet.
Apparently, her insurance doesnot cover a dependent of a
dependent.
Therefore, all of my prenatalcare visits were uncovered by
her insurance, but she was stilllegally responsible because she
was my guardian and she told methat I needed to marry him so
that I could have Oh my God.
(08:22):
So I could have health insuranceand that he was an adult with a
good career and he was gonna beable to financially take care of
me.
And shouldn't I want to have myhusband, you know, be the father
of my child?
She just she thought that thatwas what was best.
And looking back, it felt veryselfish.
(08:45):
Doctor bills were the motivationfor her to tell me that I should
get married.
SPEAKER_02 (08:50):
I feel like you two could have figured that out
together.
unknown (08:54):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (08:58):
I'm so freaking annoyed listening to this part,
dude, because Sarah was just ateenager.
She was scared and she waspregnant.
And then she went to her mom forhelp, and what she got wasn't
support.
It wasn't love, it was concernover the bills, which I get.
We all have concern over thebills all the time.
(09:19):
But her mom pushed her into thearms of a man who he was 27.
I just I cannot wrap my brainaround this.
Sarah thought this is what shewanted, right?
But as a parent, I'm gonna putmy mom hat on right now.
Everything about this to mescreams do this because it's
(09:42):
easier for me.
This is so unsafe.
I don't give a shit about themedical bills.
That is my child, that is mygrandchild, and we're gonna
figure it out.
So the main question that I havewhere were the adults in Sarah's
life who thought about anybodyelse besides themselves after
(10:08):
your son was born, you said thathe would get upset every time
that you asked for a break, orevery time that you asked to
spend some time outside of yourhome, which is completely normal
for a mom to need a break.
Yeah, especially a young momwho's still a teenager and and
(10:28):
you're navigating all of this onyour own, but instead of the
people who are supposed to beyour support system coming to
help, they decided to makethings worse.
And so he takes your son andmoves in with your mom and
stepdad.
SPEAKER_00 (10:47):
Yes.
That was a really hard time.
My husband and my mothercontinued to say that all I
cared about was partying, andall I wanted to do was get drunk
with my friends, and obviously Iwasn't a fit parent.
I continued to plead with them.
(11:07):
It's not about drugs or alcohol.
Most of my high school orchildhood friends, you know,
they were experimenting withdrugs and alcohol.
You know, it wasn't that Iwanted to be in that
environment.
I was actually reallyuncomfortable in that
environment being a youngmother, but still wanting to fit
in and still wanting to justhave some sort of healthy breaks
(11:31):
outside of the house and reclaimwho I actually was outside of
being a mother.
You know, I I I didn't want todrink or do drugs.
I just, I just wanted a littlebreak outside the house.
I didn't ha know anyone else toum confide in or spend time
with, or so it was definitelyweaponized against me.
(11:51):
And they just continued to saythat I was not a fit parent.
And we split up and he moved inwith my parents.
He stopped paying the bills atthe townhouse that we had
previously before he moved inwith my parents.
And he had only ever wanted meto be a stay-at-home mom.
So I was a high school dropoutwith no real work experience, no
(12:12):
real skills.
Maybe like a month after heleft, I ended up getting a
three-day eviction notice at thetownhome.
So the townhomes, they have afront door, but it also has a
garage area in the back.
So I typically use the garage,and I didn't even see the
(12:33):
three-day notice until the lastday to move out.
So I had less than 24 hours totry to figure out how to move
out, what to take or not take.
I lost pretty much everything Iowned, um, all my furniture and
whatnot, because I just I had Ididn't have enough notice or
enough resources to be able todo anything about it.
So at that point, I was livingout of my car and it was the
(12:57):
middle of winter, and my husbandand my son are sleeping in my
parents' house, but they made mesleep in my car.
I begged them over and overagain, please, it's too cold.
I don't have enough gas money torun my car all night to keep it
warm.
SPEAKER_02 (13:16):
It didn't matter what Sarah was trying to do.
She was trying to be a mom, shewas trying to have the brakes.
Um, they just decided who shewas.
And then they used that story orthat narrative to justify taking
everything away from her.
I think my expectations are waytoo high for these people to be
(13:39):
fucking adults.
God, just zero expectations forthe rest of the season.
Got it?
Okay, glad that you're with meon that.
Now I realize that she dropped abomb saying that she was a high
school dropout.
And I searched through the restof this conversation to see
maybe did she explain why?
And she didn't.
(14:00):
So I text her and I was like,hey girl, can you clear this up?
She let me know that when shemet her husband at 16, she moved
in with him two weeks later.
She turned 17 in those two weeksand dropped out of high school
so she could move in with him.
Again, expectations.
They're in hell.
(14:21):
Okay, zero.
SPEAKER_00 (14:23):
So I had actually started attending college.
I was taking college classes andI was taking GED classes at the
same time.
Eventually I had to drop out ofschool again because I didn't
have the resources to keepdriving back and forth.
Um, because my mother lived inone suburb and the school I was
(14:43):
attending was in another citydowntown.
So it was about like a 30,40-minute drive from her house
to the school.
And I was homeless and livingout of my car in the middle of
winter.
And I'm begging my mom and myhusband, please can I just stay
in the house?
Like, I know that we're split upright now.
(15:04):
I know that things are tough,but please don't make me sleep
in my car.
And they didn't care.
So I slept in my car for almosttwo months.
The whole time I'm just beggingmy husband, please let me see my
son.
Please let's work on this.
I can't be without my child.
I'm dying inside.
My son was everything to me.
My marriage was everything to meoutside of just wanting some
(15:27):
healthy breaks from motherhood.
I was happy.
I didn't realize how much I wasbeing controlled and manipulated
because I had been controlledand manipulated my whole life.
So I didn't see, you know,again, I didn't see the
predatory behavior.
I didn't see the manipulation orthe gaslighting, or I didn't
(15:49):
even, I just wanted my son back.
SPEAKER_02 (15:51):
You really knew, right?
And yeah, and of course, ofcourse, you wanted your son
back.
I mean, it's evident that youwere trying to do something good
with your life and to makesomething of yourself.
You just did not have thesupport system in place to
really, you know, climb thatmountain to success.
And you said eventually your momdid say yes to you moving in,
(16:14):
but there were terms andconditions.
And she said that you were neverallowed to be in the same room
with your husband with the doorshut, which I it's so confusing
because she's the one thatpushed you to marry him.
But wait a second, don't actlike you're married.
SPEAKER_00 (16:34):
She didn't want me to come back.
She was very, very reluctantabout letting me stay in the
house.
When she said you can stay hereon the condition that you guys
are not alone together in thesame room with the door shut and
that you don't sleep in the samebed.
Trying to absorb that, I was Itold myself, okay, this is just
(16:57):
her trying to avoid drama.
She just doesn't want us tofight.
It seemed very strange that, youknow, I'm married to this man, I
have a child with this man, butyou don't want me to sleep in
the same bed with him.
You don't want me to be in theroom with the door shut.
It was very weird.
And it made me question a lot ofthings, but I just tried to tell
myself there's no way that shecould really actually be jealous
(17:19):
of me and my husband, right?
Because she's living with herown husband.
SPEAKER_02 (17:24):
Um where were you supposed to sleep then?
SPEAKER_00 (17:28):
In another room.
SPEAKER_02 (17:30):
Was she jealous?
Like, what was your gut saying?
SPEAKER_00 (17:34):
My gut was saying she was jealous and a little bit
obsessive.
I asked him about it multipletimes, and he was like, I I have
no idea what you're talkingabout.
SPEAKER_02 (17:47):
Gaslighting you.
SPEAKER_00 (17:49):
Yeah, of course.
Made me believe that I was crazyfor assuming that, made me
believe that I was just tryingto start more problems between
us by saying that it started toget really tense in that
household.
My husband's uncle ended uppassing away.
And when we attended hisfuneral, my mother admitted to
(18:11):
his mother and his aunts thatshe was in love with him and
they had plans of taking mychildren and moving out of state
together and starting a new lifewithout me.
And when I confronted him aboutit, he was like, No, no, no, no,
this is 100% one-sided.
(18:31):
I have nothing to do with this.
It's all her.
She's the delusional one.
I did absolutely nothing tocondone this behavior.
I have no idea why she's soobsessed with me.
It's all just her.
It's not me at all.
So we ended up moving out.
We moved in with one of hiscousins, and I thought we were
(18:54):
working on our relationship,making things stronger.
We ended up getting a duplex.
We decided that we were readyfor another baby.
I got pregnant, and just monthsafter our second child was born,
um, it was at that time that Irealized that he actually was
having an affair with herbefore, during, and after my
(19:18):
second pregnancy.
SPEAKER_02 (19:21):
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Her mom pressured her intomarriage, but was secretly in
love with her husband.
Do you not feel like you'rereading some psychological
thriller right now?
Because I do.
And of course, when Sarahstarted picking up on it, like
(19:42):
her gut was telling her there'ssomething fishy going on.
She was told that she was crazybecause that's what gaslighting
is for.
That's gaslighting in its purestform.
When your instincts arescreaming at you that something
is wrong, but the people aroundyou convince that you're just
imagining it.
Survivors or victims, we gothrough this all the time, don't
(20:05):
we?
We've started to sense betrayal,but then we're told you're just
starting drama or you're crazy.
That's a very calculated tacticbecause that's how abusers keep
you doubting yourself.
They keep you confused.
They need you to be confused tokeep doing whatever it is that
they're doing.
So what's happening here isn'tjust one person's bad behavior,
(20:29):
it's a complete collapse of thesupport system that Sarah should
have had.
Instead of protection, she gottriangulation.
Instead of family, she gotbetrayal.
SPEAKER_00 (20:44):
So he was teaching karate classes and he asked me
to run a Facebook page for himto try to help promote his
karate classes.
And so he had given me access tohis email account and his
Facebook account so that I couldhelp manage promotion of his
karate classes.
One day I got a notification,you have an email from Facebook.
(21:07):
So I went, I checked it, um, Itried to delete it, and the
email account told me that thejunk folder was full and needed
to be emptied.
So I opened the junk folder andI'm deleting as much as I can of
it, but I'm trying to, you know,kind of look through it and make
sure that I don't deleteanything important.
So I'm going through the emailsand deleting anything that's not
(21:30):
necessary to keep.
And then I notice my mother'sname in the emails.
I still really wish that I couldunsee those emails.
I wish that I could explainbetter how I felt in that
moment.
The emails between my mom and myhusband said that they had been
on multiple dates together.
They were discussing, well, whenis Sarah not going to be home
(21:53):
anymore so we can see eachother?
If you come over while Sarah'shome, you can't wear tight pants
around her because I'm not goingto be able to stop looking at
your butt.
And just very disgusting,disturbing conversations between
them.
At that point, my blood wasboiling.
I felt sick to my stomach.
I felt so many differentemotions.
(22:15):
And I confronted him yet again,and he denied it, but I had all
the proof I needed.
They they had been going ondates without me.
They were coordinating times tospend time together when I
wouldn't be home after I had mysecond child.
She was offering constantly tocome over and spend the night.
And well, it's really hard tohave a newborn and a toddler,
(22:38):
and you just had a C-section andlet me come over and help you
and be a support system for you.
SPEAKER_02 (22:44):
Oh shit.
She was trying to get to himthrough pretending to be a
caring mother.
Oh my god.
SPEAKER_00 (22:57):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (23:00):
This makes me mad at my mom and she didn't even do
anything.
Imagine being a young motherrecovering from childbirth,
trusting your mom to come overand quote unquote help, only to
discover that she's using thatto access your husband.
Oh my god.
(23:22):
This is just shattering on everylevel.
SPEAKER_00 (23:27):
The thought of my husband sleeping with my mother
and then sleeping with me andgetting me pregnant and having
an affair with my mother whileI'm pregnant with his child is
just earth shattering.
It's a very sick realization.
SPEAKER_01 (23:44):
That's maddening.
Yeah.
That's disgusting.
SPEAKER_00 (23:48):
Yeah.
Once I was aware, I knew thatour relationship was done.
He continued to beg me, youknow, we can go to counseling.
We can work this out.
We can make this work for thekids.
SPEAKER_02 (24:01):
And I'm like, You need to go to counseling.
He's the one that needs afucking therapist.
unknown (24:06):
Girl.
SPEAKER_02 (24:07):
What the hell?
SPEAKER_00 (24:09):
Yeah.
So um it was really hard.
And um, I think the hardest partwas the fact that I couldn't
afford to move out because I hadonly ever been a stay-at-home
mom.
I had no GED, no work history,no money, nowhere else to go.
You know, my only other supportsystem before that was my
(24:31):
mother.
So, and that really was never asupport system.
So it was just betrayal on alllevels.
And I was forced to live withhim for about a year after I
found out.
SPEAKER_02 (24:46):
Imagine being a young mother recovering from
childbirth, trusting your mom tocome over and help, only to
discover that she was using thatto access your husband.
When Sarah confronted herhusband with proof, of course he
still denied it because that'show gaslighting works.
Even when you have evidence inyour hand, the abuser's first
(25:07):
move is to make you doubt yourreality.
What Sarah describes here isbetrayal on every single level,
from a partner to a from aparent, from a family that
should have been her safe place.
And when you're financiallytrapped with no work history, no
safety net, you don't just getto leave.
(25:29):
You're forced into survival.
And this is where we're going toleave Sarah for now.
Because next week we're gonnastep into a part of her life
where it looks like she finallygets a break in the form of an
inheritance.
But it's just for a moment.
Because, like so many of Sarah'slifelines, it doesn't last for
(25:54):
long.
If Sarah's story resonated withyou today, please share this
episode with someone who mayneed to hear it.
And if you want to add yourvoice to this conversation, call
into the dismissed hotline at1-844-TELL-DTS.
That is T-E-L-L-D-T-S.
(26:16):
Your message might be featuredin a future episode.
And to every survivor listening,the world is a better place
because you are in it.
This episode contains discussions of child
abuse, grooming, domesticviolence, and betrayal within
family systems.
Some of what you'll hear may bedistressing or triggering,
especially for survivors.
But please take care whilelistening.
Step away if you need to.
What you're about to hear is asurvivor's account of abuse,
(00:20):
told from their perspective.
The story reflects one person'slived experience.
Dismissed True Stories is not asubstitute for professional
counseling or emergencyservices.
If you are in immediate danger,please call 911.
Or if someone you love isexperiencing domestic violence,
you can call the NationalDomestic Violence Hotline at
(00:43):
1-800-799-7233 or text at STARTat 88-788 for confidential
support.
Listener discretion is advised.
(01:16):
This is season three, episodetwo.
If you haven't listened toepisode one yet, I suggest you
go back and start there becausethis season is going to make the
most sense when you listen inchronological order.
So let's catch you up to speed.
Just a quick recap.
We began Sarah's story when shewas a little girl, right?
(01:38):
She was just nine years old.
She just lost her dad, who wasthat one steady and safe person
in her world.
Then we heard about how hergrief was dismissed by her
mother, how she was leftvulnerable, and how in that time
of darkness for Sarah, she wasthen abused by a family friend.
(01:58):
And these experiences didn'tjust end in childhood.
They shaped how Sarah started tounderstand love, safety,
attention.
And by her teenage years, shewas still being neglected at
home and bullied at school.
So she says multiple times, likeshe started looking for love in
(02:19):
all the wrong places.
And then she started settlingfor scraps of attention from
boys at her school.
Um, she was telling herself thateven that exploitation from her
peers was better than beinginvisible.
And that is where we're gonnapick up today.
Sarah is 16 and she is exactlythe kind of vulnerable teenager
(02:43):
that predators look for.
And the man who noticed her?
SPEAKER_00 (02:47):
Um, so I was working a few different jobs as a
teenager because I wanted toescape from my home life, and I
had just started a new job at apizza shop, and I went outside
to have a cigarette break, anduh this police officer noticed
(03:09):
me because a crackhead hadwalked by and he was like, Hey,
can I bow him a smoke?
So I gave him one.
He went on about his way, andthe police officer approached
me, and I was I was like, Oh no,I'm gonna get in trouble for
underage smoking again.
Here we go.
I'm in trouble.
And he didn't care at all that Iwas smoking.
(03:30):
He was like, you know, youreally should be careful who you
talk to.
And um, so he just startsflirting with me, and he asked
me first my phone number, and Iwas happy to give it to him.
He was attractive, he was older,he was charming, and uh
pedophile.
SPEAKER_02 (03:49):
You were 16.
SPEAKER_00 (03:51):
Uh yeah, I mean, I didn't see that at the time.
All I could see was somebodyactually wants to talk to me,
somebody actually wants to spendtime with me, somebody actually
cares what I have to say.
So I didn't see any of thepredatory behavior, I didn't
notice any of the red flagsbecause when you're raised in
(04:13):
chaos, I had been absolutelystarved for love, starved for
attention.
And so I clung to anybody whowould show me any kind of
attention, and I believed thatthat was love.
SPEAKER_02 (04:24):
In your story, you said that you moved in with him
just two weeks after thisconversation.
SPEAKER_00 (04:32):
Yep.
I was 16, I dropped out ofschool, I moved in with him, and
I turned 17 shortly after Imoved in.
He would lie to his mother aboutmy age, try to get me to lie
about my age, and he wasembarrassed that he was with
somebody so young.
So his way of getting aroundthat was to just lie to
(04:53):
everybody about my age.
SPEAKER_02 (04:55):
What do you think his reason was for becoming so
controlling and manipulativedown the line?
SPEAKER_00 (05:03):
Need for control.
Maybe um, maybe he'd noticed thedesperation and wanting love,
wanting acceptance, wantingstability.
I just feel like he really tookadvantage of that.
SPEAKER_02 (05:17):
You guys actually had a child together.
SPEAKER_00 (05:20):
We did.
Yep.
I got pregnant at 17.
When I got pregnant, he asked meto marry him.
I told him that I really didwant to get married.
I was very happy with him, but Ialso did not want to get married
pregnant.
I didn't want to get married ata courthouse.
I didn't want to wear a useddress or be big and fat and
(05:41):
pregnant.
Um, I didn't want to get marriedin the middle of winter and in
an ice storm and have to weartennis shoes underneath my
wedding dress.
I didn't I didn't want any ofthat.
I wanted what a lot of womenwant.
And I it wasn't necessarily Ineeded some huge bridezilla
wedding or anything like that,but I just I wanted it to be a
(06:03):
little more special.
I didn't want to feel forced toget married just because I was
pregnant.
When I told him how I felt aboutit, and I said, you know, I do
want to get married, but can wewait until after the baby's
born?
Can we plan this out a littlebit better?
And he said, Well, if you don'twant to marry me, then I'm just
gonna leave you and you canraise this baby by yourself.
SPEAKER_02 (06:26):
I just have to call it how it is.
He wasn't embarrassed becausethis was some kind of forbidden
romance.
I mean, it was, but he wasembarrassed because he knew it
was wrong.
That's why he lied about herage.
That's why he asked her to lietoo.
He wasn't protecting her, he wasprotecting his image.
(06:47):
That's what abusers do.
They guard their reputation atall cost, even if that means
silencing the people that theyclaim to love.
Later, when Sarah becamepregnant, he gave her the the
ultimatum either marry me now orI'm gonna leave you to raise
(07:08):
this baby all alone.
That's not love.
That's not partnership, that iscontrol.
It's the abuser's playbook.
Basically a discard.
You need me, I don't need you.
So if you've ever been corneredinto a decision with a threat of
abandonment, please hear me now.
(07:32):
That wasn't love.
What that was was manipulation.
SPEAKER_00 (07:38):
And so I went to my mother and I was like, I don't
know what to do.
I I feel trapped.
I I can't be stuck raising thisbaby by myself.
And my mother's response wasthat she was getting a lot of
hospital and doctor bills undermy name because I was still a
dependent on her insurancebecause I wasn't even 18 years
(08:00):
old yet.
Apparently, her insurance doesnot cover a dependent of a
dependent.
Therefore, all of my prenatalcare visits were uncovered by
her insurance, but she was stilllegally responsible because she
was my guardian and she told methat I needed to marry him so
that I could have Oh my God.
(08:22):
So I could have health insuranceand that he was an adult with a
good career and he was gonna beable to financially take care of
me.
And shouldn't I want to have myhusband, you know, be the father
of my child?
She just she thought that thatwas what was best.
And looking back, it felt veryselfish.
(08:45):
Doctor bills were the motivationfor her to tell me that I should
get married.
SPEAKER_02 (08:50):
I feel like you two could have figured that out
together.
unknown (08:54):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (08:58):
I'm so freaking annoyed listening to this part,
dude, because Sarah was just ateenager.
She was scared and she waspregnant.
And then she went to her mom forhelp, and what she got wasn't
support.
It wasn't love, it was concernover the bills, which I get.
We all have concern over thebills all the time.
(09:19):
But her mom pushed her into thearms of a man who he was 27.
I just I cannot wrap my brainaround this.
Sarah thought this is what shewanted, right?
But as a parent, I'm gonna putmy mom hat on right now.
Everything about this to mescreams do this because it's
(09:42):
easier for me.
This is so unsafe.
I don't give a shit about themedical bills.
That is my child, that is mygrandchild, and we're gonna
figure it out.
So the main question that I havewhere were the adults in Sarah's
life who thought about anybodyelse besides themselves after
(10:08):
your son was born, you said thathe would get upset every time
that you asked for a break, orevery time that you asked to
spend some time outside of yourhome, which is completely normal
for a mom to need a break.
Yeah, especially a young momwho's still a teenager and and
(10:28):
you're navigating all of this onyour own, but instead of the
people who are supposed to beyour support system coming to
help, they decided to makethings worse.
And so he takes your son andmoves in with your mom and
stepdad.
SPEAKER_00 (10:47):
Yes.
That was a really hard time.
My husband and my mothercontinued to say that all I
cared about was partying, andall I wanted to do was get drunk
with my friends, and obviously Iwasn't a fit parent.
I continued to plead with them.
(11:07):
It's not about drugs or alcohol.
Most of my high school orchildhood friends, you know,
they were experimenting withdrugs and alcohol.
You know, it wasn't that Iwanted to be in that
environment.
I was actually reallyuncomfortable in that
environment being a youngmother, but still wanting to fit
in and still wanting to justhave some sort of healthy breaks
(11:31):
outside of the house and reclaimwho I actually was outside of
being a mother.
You know, I I I didn't want todrink or do drugs.
I just, I just wanted a littlebreak outside the house.
I didn't ha know anyone else toum confide in or spend time
with, or so it was definitelyweaponized against me.
(11:51):
And they just continued to saythat I was not a fit parent.
And we split up and he moved inwith my parents.
He stopped paying the bills atthe townhouse that we had
previously before he moved inwith my parents.
And he had only ever wanted meto be a stay-at-home mom.
So I was a high school dropoutwith no real work experience, no
(12:12):
real skills.
Maybe like a month after heleft, I ended up getting a
three-day eviction notice at thetownhome.
So the townhomes, they have afront door, but it also has a
garage area in the back.
So I typically use the garage,and I didn't even see the
(12:33):
three-day notice until the lastday to move out.
So I had less than 24 hours totry to figure out how to move
out, what to take or not take.
I lost pretty much everything Iowned, um, all my furniture and
whatnot, because I just I had Ididn't have enough notice or
enough resources to be able todo anything about it.
So at that point, I was livingout of my car and it was the
(12:57):
middle of winter, and my husbandand my son are sleeping in my
parents' house, but they made mesleep in my car.
I begged them over and overagain, please, it's too cold.
I don't have enough gas money torun my car all night to keep it
warm.
SPEAKER_02 (13:16):
It didn't matter what Sarah was trying to do.
She was trying to be a mom, shewas trying to have the brakes.
Um, they just decided who shewas.
And then they used that story orthat narrative to justify taking
everything away from her.
I think my expectations are waytoo high for these people to be
(13:39):
fucking adults.
God, just zero expectations forthe rest of the season.
Got it?
Okay, glad that you're with meon that.
Now I realize that she dropped abomb saying that she was a high
school dropout.
And I searched through the restof this conversation to see
maybe did she explain why?
And she didn't.
(14:00):
So I text her and I was like,hey girl, can you clear this up?
She let me know that when shemet her husband at 16, she moved
in with him two weeks later.
She turned 17 in those two weeksand dropped out of high school
so she could move in with him.
Again, expectations.
They're in hell.
(14:21):
Okay, zero.
SPEAKER_00 (14:23):
So I had actually started attending college.
I was taking college classes andI was taking GED classes at the
same time.
Eventually I had to drop out ofschool again because I didn't
have the resources to keepdriving back and forth.
Um, because my mother lived inone suburb and the school I was
(14:43):
attending was in another citydowntown.
So it was about like a 30,40-minute drive from her house
to the school.
And I was homeless and livingout of my car in the middle of
winter.
And I'm begging my mom and myhusband, please can I just stay
in the house?
Like, I know that we're split upright now.
(15:04):
I know that things are tough,but please don't make me sleep
in my car.
And they didn't care.
So I slept in my car for almosttwo months.
The whole time I'm just beggingmy husband, please let me see my
son.
Please let's work on this.
I can't be without my child.
I'm dying inside.
My son was everything to me.
My marriage was everything to meoutside of just wanting some
(15:27):
healthy breaks from motherhood.
I was happy.
I didn't realize how much I wasbeing controlled and manipulated
because I had been controlledand manipulated my whole life.
So I didn't see, you know,again, I didn't see the
predatory behavior.
I didn't see the manipulation orthe gaslighting, or I didn't
(15:49):
even, I just wanted my son back.
SPEAKER_02 (15:51):
You really knew, right?
And yeah, and of course, ofcourse, you wanted your son
back.
I mean, it's evident that youwere trying to do something good
with your life and to makesomething of yourself.
You just did not have thesupport system in place to
really, you know, climb thatmountain to success.
And you said eventually your momdid say yes to you moving in,
(16:14):
but there were terms andconditions.
And she said that you were neverallowed to be in the same room
with your husband with the doorshut, which I it's so confusing
because she's the one thatpushed you to marry him.
But wait a second, don't actlike you're married.
SPEAKER_00 (16:34):
She didn't want me to come back.
She was very, very reluctantabout letting me stay in the
house.
When she said you can stay hereon the condition that you guys
are not alone together in thesame room with the door shut and
that you don't sleep in the samebed.
Trying to absorb that, I was Itold myself, okay, this is just
(16:57):
her trying to avoid drama.
She just doesn't want us tofight.
It seemed very strange that, youknow, I'm married to this man, I
have a child with this man, butyou don't want me to sleep in
the same bed with him.
You don't want me to be in theroom with the door shut.
It was very weird.
And it made me question a lot ofthings, but I just tried to tell
myself there's no way that shecould really actually be jealous
(17:19):
of me and my husband, right?
Because she's living with herown husband.
SPEAKER_02 (17:24):
Um where were you supposed to sleep then?
SPEAKER_00 (17:28):
In another room.
SPEAKER_02 (17:30):
Was she jealous?
Like, what was your gut saying?
SPEAKER_00 (17:34):
My gut was saying she was jealous and a little bit
obsessive.
I asked him about it multipletimes, and he was like, I I have
no idea what you're talkingabout.
SPEAKER_02 (17:47):
Gaslighting you.
SPEAKER_00 (17:49):
Yeah, of course.
Made me believe that I was crazyfor assuming that, made me
believe that I was just tryingto start more problems between
us by saying that it started toget really tense in that
household.
My husband's uncle ended uppassing away.
And when we attended hisfuneral, my mother admitted to
(18:11):
his mother and his aunts thatshe was in love with him and
they had plans of taking mychildren and moving out of state
together and starting a new lifewithout me.
And when I confronted him aboutit, he was like, No, no, no, no,
this is 100% one-sided.
(18:31):
I have nothing to do with this.
It's all her.
She's the delusional one.
I did absolutely nothing tocondone this behavior.
I have no idea why she's soobsessed with me.
It's all just her.
It's not me at all.
So we ended up moving out.
We moved in with one of hiscousins, and I thought we were
(18:54):
working on our relationship,making things stronger.
We ended up getting a duplex.
We decided that we were readyfor another baby.
I got pregnant, and just monthsafter our second child was born,
um, it was at that time that Irealized that he actually was
having an affair with herbefore, during, and after my
(19:18):
second pregnancy.
SPEAKER_02 (19:21):
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Her mom pressured her intomarriage, but was secretly in
love with her husband.
Do you not feel like you'rereading some psychological
thriller right now?
Because I do.
And of course, when Sarahstarted picking up on it, like
(19:42):
her gut was telling her there'ssomething fishy going on.
She was told that she was crazybecause that's what gaslighting
is for.
That's gaslighting in its purestform.
When your instincts arescreaming at you that something
is wrong, but the people aroundyou convince that you're just
imagining it.
Survivors or victims, we gothrough this all the time, don't
(20:05):
we?
We've started to sense betrayal,but then we're told you're just
starting drama or you're crazy.
That's a very calculated tacticbecause that's how abusers keep
you doubting yourself.
They keep you confused.
They need you to be confused tokeep doing whatever it is that
they're doing.
So what's happening here isn'tjust one person's bad behavior,
(20:29):
it's a complete collapse of thesupport system that Sarah should
have had.
Instead of protection, she gottriangulation.
Instead of family, she gotbetrayal.
SPEAKER_00 (20:44):
So he was teaching karate classes and he asked me
to run a Facebook page for himto try to help promote his
karate classes.
And so he had given me access tohis email account and his
Facebook account so that I couldhelp manage promotion of his
karate classes.
One day I got a notification,you have an email from Facebook.
(21:07):
So I went, I checked it, um, Itried to delete it, and the
email account told me that thejunk folder was full and needed
to be emptied.
So I opened the junk folder andI'm deleting as much as I can of
it, but I'm trying to, you know,kind of look through it and make
sure that I don't deleteanything important.
So I'm going through the emailsand deleting anything that's not
(21:30):
necessary to keep.
And then I notice my mother'sname in the emails.
I still really wish that I couldunsee those emails.
I wish that I could explainbetter how I felt in that
moment.
The emails between my mom and myhusband said that they had been
on multiple dates together.
They were discussing, well, whenis Sarah not going to be home
(21:53):
anymore so we can see eachother?
If you come over while Sarah'shome, you can't wear tight pants
around her because I'm not goingto be able to stop looking at
your butt.
And just very disgusting,disturbing conversations between
them.
At that point, my blood wasboiling.
I felt sick to my stomach.
I felt so many differentemotions.
(22:15):
And I confronted him yet again,and he denied it, but I had all
the proof I needed.
They they had been going ondates without me.
They were coordinating times tospend time together when I
wouldn't be home after I had mysecond child.
She was offering constantly tocome over and spend the night.
And well, it's really hard tohave a newborn and a toddler,
(22:38):
and you just had a C-section andlet me come over and help you
and be a support system for you.
SPEAKER_02 (22:44):
Oh shit.
She was trying to get to himthrough pretending to be a
caring mother.
Oh my god.
SPEAKER_00 (22:57):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (23:00):
This makes me mad at my mom and she didn't even do
anything.
Imagine being a young motherrecovering from childbirth,
trusting your mom to come overand quote unquote help, only to
discover that she's using thatto access your husband.
Oh my god.
(23:22):
This is just shattering on everylevel.
SPEAKER_00 (23:27):
The thought of my husband sleeping with my mother
and then sleeping with me andgetting me pregnant and having
an affair with my mother whileI'm pregnant with his child is
just earth shattering.
It's a very sick realization.
SPEAKER_01 (23:44):
That's maddening.
Yeah.
That's disgusting.
SPEAKER_00 (23:48):
Yeah.
Once I was aware, I knew thatour relationship was done.
He continued to beg me, youknow, we can go to counseling.
We can work this out.
We can make this work for thekids.
SPEAKER_02 (24:01):
And I'm like, You need to go to counseling.
He's the one that needs afucking therapist.
unknown (24:06):
Girl.
SPEAKER_02 (24:07):
What the hell?
SPEAKER_00 (24:09):
Yeah.
So um it was really hard.
And um, I think the hardest partwas the fact that I couldn't
afford to move out because I hadonly ever been a stay-at-home
mom.
I had no GED, no work history,no money, nowhere else to go.
You know, my only other supportsystem before that was my
(24:31):
mother.
So, and that really was never asupport system.
So it was just betrayal on alllevels.
And I was forced to live withhim for about a year after I
found out.
SPEAKER_02 (24:46):
Imagine being a young mother recovering from
childbirth, trusting your mom tocome over and help, only to
discover that she was using thatto access your husband.
When Sarah confronted herhusband with proof, of course he
still denied it because that'show gaslighting works.
Even when you have evidence inyour hand, the abuser's first
(25:07):
move is to make you doubt yourreality.
What Sarah describes here isbetrayal on every single level,
from a partner to a from aparent, from a family that
should have been her safe place.
And when you're financiallytrapped with no work history, no
safety net, you don't just getto leave.
(25:29):
You're forced into survival.
And this is where we're going toleave Sarah for now.
Because next week we're gonnastep into a part of her life
where it looks like she finallygets a break in the form of an
inheritance.
But it's just for a moment.
Because, like so many of Sarah'slifelines, it doesn't last for
(25:54):
long.
If Sarah's story resonated withyou today, please share this
episode with someone who mayneed to hear it.
And if you want to add yourvoice to this conversation, call
into the dismissed hotline at1-844-TELL-DTS.
That is T-E-L-L-D-T-S.
(26:16):
Your message might be featuredin a future episode.
And to every survivor listening,the world is a better place
because you are in it.
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