June 14, 2024 • 36 mins
What happens when the fear of disappointing a parent outweighs the terror of an abusive relationship? This heart-wrenching episode of Dismissed True Stories explores Jenna's painful journey through her first physically abusive relationship. Starting from a tumultuous upbringing marked by her narcissistic father's toxic expectations, Jenna's story reveals how deeply her childhood experiences impacted her choices in adult relationships. Facing financial constraints and the fear of letting down her father, Jenna found herself trapped in a cycle of abuse that she struggled to escape.
Next, we share the gripping account of Jenna’s desperate attempt to break free from an abusive relationship. This story paints a vivid picture of the physical and emotional toll of such trauma, compounded by the indifference of neighbors and the re-traumatization by medical and legal systems. Despite these challenges, the narrative also highlights the cyclical nature of abusive relationships, showing how manipulation and temporary changes can keep survivors ensnared. This chapter underscores the necessity of external support and intervention to help survivors truly break free from their abusers.
Lastly, we delve into the complexities of self-healing and the arduous path to establishing healthy relationships after abuse. Whether it's confronting personal patterns that allowed the abuse to persist or the monumental effort required to rebuild self-worth, this episode captures the essence of breaking generational cycles of dysfunction. The journey towards healing is further illustrated through a key narrative of ongoing marital work, showcasing the profound impact of past traumas on trust and the invaluable patience of a supportive partner. Join us for an empowering discussion that emphasizes the importance of personal growth, acceptance, and the strength found in moving forward for oneself and future generations.
Next, we share the gripping account of Jenna’s desperate attempt to break free from an abusive relationship. This story paints a vivid picture of the physical and emotional toll of such trauma, compounded by the indifference of neighbors and the re-traumatization by medical and legal systems. Despite these challenges, the narrative also highlights the cyclical nature of abusive relationships, showing how manipulation and temporary changes can keep survivors ensnared. This chapter underscores the necessity of external support and intervention to help survivors truly break free from their abusers.
Lastly, we delve into the complexities of self-healing and the arduous path to establishing healthy relationships after abuse. Whether it's confronting personal patterns that allowed the abuse to persist or the monumental effort required to rebuild self-worth, this episode captures the essence of breaking generational cycles of dysfunction. The journey towards healing is further illustrated through a key narrative of ongoing marital work, showcasing the profound impact of past traumas on trust and the invaluable patience of a supportive partner. Join us for an empowering discussion that emphasizes the importance of personal growth, acceptance, and the strength found in moving forward for oneself and future generations.
Join the Sisterhood! www.thesurvivorsisterhood.com
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 OR text begin to 88788
Come join our community of survivors who are looking to meet someone just like you! See the behind the scenes work that goes into the sisterhood non-profit business, discuss DTS episodes, and of course find your survivor sister.
Give me a follow on IG: @thedvsurvivorsisterhood
or on TikTok: @thedvsurvivor
Ready to share your story? Send me an email with the main talking points of your experience and I'll reach out to book an interview.
dismissedtruestories@thesurvivorsisterhood.com
Give DTS a 5 star rating! It helps this podcast reach other victims and survivors who NEED these stories! Help us find each other, help us heal, and help us find safety. Love you, mean it.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
This episode of Dismissed True Stories is
brought to you by Persephoneai.
Persephoneai is an innovativeand disruptive discreet app
where you can more securelystash your evidence of abuse,
make static notes, uploadattachments, import audio-video
files and even requesttranscription and language
(00:21):
translation.
Transcription and languagetranslation.
Then export your full evidence,report on your timeline, sos
the police or even use it incourt after your safe exit.
You are not alone, andPersephone is here when you
don't know who to tell.
Find Persephoneai on GooglePlay or the App Store.
(00:42):
In this episode, we will behearing directly from a survivor
as they recount their personaljourney.
Dismissed True Storiesrecognizes that discussion of
abuse and trauma can evokestrong emotional responses and
it may be triggering for somelisteners.
Listener, discretion is advised.
Hey, I'm Elissa and this isDismiss True Stories the podcast
(01:05):
.
This podcast was born from theidea that when I was a little
girl, I wanted to be a warreporter in the sense that I
just really wanted to talk aboutthe things that matter in the
world.
And when I ended up walking awayfrom my professional
broadcasting career and into anabusive relationship, I realized
that victims and survivorsreally do fight their own wars
(01:28):
at home.
I volunteer with a localdomestic violence shelter in my
city and as I was putting on avigil for the lives lost to
domestic violence last year, Istumbled upon a story that will
forever stick with me.
I did the research to find thisvictim's family, since she is no
longer with us, and onesentence kept rattling around in
(01:52):
my brain Let them tell theirstory.
And while I haven't worked upthe confidence to get in touch
with her family just yet, I wantthis podcast to not only be
about the survivors who livedand escaped, but the stories
from the family members ofvictims who, unfortunately, are
(02:14):
no longer with us.
I sat on this idea for almost ayear before I decided to
randomly make a TikTok videoasking for survivors to come
forward and share their storiesof survivorship, and what
happened next was completely andtotally unexpected.
(02:35):
Women came forward sending metheir stories of survival,
telling me that they were sosick and tired of being quiet,
because what happens so often isthat survivors are silenced,
people aren't ready or equippedto handle their truth or
sometimes simply they just don'twant to make the time.
(02:57):
But now, on Dismissed TrueStories, we're making the time.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
I didn't feel like I had anywhere to go unless I went
home to the man who raised meand I knew he would see that as
a failure.
He wanted me to stay in theserelationships pretty
consistently.
His favorite boyfriends of minewere the most toxic.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Welcome back to Dismissed True Stories.
This is episode eight and thesecond part of Jenna's story.
Last week we talked aboutJenna's childhood, how she was
raised by a narcissistic fatherfigure and how the model of love
that she was shown growing upnot only the type of love that
she received, but the type oflove that she was witnessed to
(03:43):
and the dynamic between herstepdad and her mom was very
toxic.
It led to her picking toxic menover and over again in this
cycle, or this like repeatedpattern of behavior.
When she began dating as anadult, she told herself time and
time again that this iscomfortable, this is what she
knows, this is something thatshe saw growing up, so it's what
(04:08):
she felt she deserved.
It is so important to, as achild, be able to see and
identify healthy love and theways that are nurturing and help
you grow as a person, becausewhen you are modeled this type
of toxic love and it'snormalized, then it makes
(04:29):
complete sense that that's whatyou're going to go after,
because that's the norm.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
And so I think it's important again being raised in
narcissism, I obviously didn'thave a good compass of what love
is.
I was shown that love was thesebig emotions, whether it was
the love bombing or the anger.
So love is big, it's neverthese subtleties, it's never
safety right, like I was neversafe or I never felt safe, and
(04:58):
so I was always seeking outrelationships that made me feel
comfortable, which meant therewas big emotions always.
And I would say, my firstphysically abusive relationship
I met him when I was 17 and hewas 23.
And we dated for a very longtime.
(05:19):
We were together for about fiveyears and it didn't get abusive
until about four and a halfyears.
My big thing because, again, Ididn't have that compass of,
like, what's right and wrong myline was, if they put their
hands on me, that's when it'swrong.
Nothing else is wrong.
It's when they put their handson me in a violent way, and I
(05:43):
think that that's also importantUm, because, um, I was prone to
, uh, being coerced into sexualthings that I was uncomfortable
with, um and um.
So the first time he put hishands on me, um, that was when I
was like, okay, this isn'tright, I need to start thinking
(06:04):
about leaving Um.
But it didn't happen again, andso I think I was just like, oh,
he was just having a really badday.
He did just lose his um father,um, somewhat before that.
So I just assumed it was likethese heightened emotions.
And then, like a week later,two weeks later, he like threw
(06:27):
me up against the wall because Icame home from work late, um,
by like 10-15 minutes, like itwasn't like a big deal, um, and
he like kind of threw me upagainst the wall by my throat
and at that point I was like,okay, I've gotta, I've gotta
start doing this um, but Ididn't know how to do that
because we had a lease together.
(06:47):
I was so young I didn't reallyunderstand all of that and I
didn't feel like I had anywhereto go unless I went home to the
man who raised me and I knew hewould see that as a failure.
He wanted me to stay in theserelationships pretty
consistently.
His favorite boyfriends of minewere the most toxic.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Wanting to leave but having no place to go.
She wanted to leave one toxicand abusive relationship, but to
do that, that meant that shehad to reintroduce herself to
another toxic and abusiverelationship with her stepfather
back at home another toxic andabusive relationship with her
stepfather back at home.
This is why it is so importantfor victims and survivors to
(07:34):
have such a safe place to healand to for lack of a better term
lick their wounds, because ifnot, then the cycle of abuse and
picking a toxic person becauseyou believe that that's what you
deserve will repeat itself.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
So, um, but yeah, I that I ended up leaving.
Um, I was single for a prettylong time.
I had another boyfriend who, um, I was trying to get him to
wake up because we had planspulled a knife on me, um, and I
just kind of stupidly looked himin the face and said if you're
gonna do something, do it,otherwise get out of my face.
(08:08):
We broke up after that hedidn't.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
He didn't do anything .
Speaker 2 (08:16):
No, he was definitely one of those people that I
don't think he actually had itin him to do.
To follow through on thephysical stuff, he just he was a
lot of bravado, bravado, likeit was just never anything, it
was just a lot of bark.
But that was kind of where Iwas living is like these people
don't have it in them.
(08:37):
The next man is very toxic.
We fell in love so quickly andthat was just the love bombing
and the.
He had to be with me all thetime and I just thought that was
so romantic because nobody'swanted to spend that much time
with me.
And um, we were spendingliterally every night together.
Um, like he swapping houseskind of situation.
(08:58):
Um, and we went out.
We were having a really goodtime.
Um, we went out, we were havinga really good time and I guess
I should probably say we had anight where he told me that he
had multiple children.
He's not, he doesn't haveaccess to because of domestic
violence, but he had told mehe'd changed and I believed him
because he seemed to have hisanger under control, because he
(09:22):
never got physicallyintimidating.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
The thing is when you have no one to model healthy
love to you and then you finallyget it in the form of a
relationship where this personfeels too good to be true.
They are spending every wakingmoment with you and you feel
like it is just this answeredprayer.
(09:45):
The love bombing stage willfeel so good to a person who has
never experienced love the waythat it should be a healthy form
of love.
And then all of a sudden youfind yourself giving them all of
this magic.
(10:05):
You're loving their potentialbecause that's what they show
you in the beginning.
But then something seems tohappen that kind of rips the rug
out from under you, like howshe learned that he had kids
that he has no contact withbecause of prior DV claims.
She wasn't willing to, kind oflike, come out of that false
(10:33):
reality that she was living inbecause everything that he was
giving her felt so opposite ofwhat her stepfather growing up
had ever given her.
She wanted to keep that goodfeeling, even though from the
beginning there were red flags.
Were they like felonies?
(10:57):
What were they?
Speaker 2 (11:00):
So I never sought clarity.
Um, so I never sought clarity.
Um, I do know from myunderstanding neither of his
exes followed through on theirend of like the court stuff and
I don't know what thosespecifics were.
Um ended up coming up in mycourt case later that mine was
(11:23):
going to be the first of thislike type of offense, um, and so
I was in such a daze like Ididn't really know kind of what
that meant, what, what washappening.
Um, I was just kind of like,okay, um, great um, but he, he
was transparent that there wereprevious issues and like so much
(11:48):
that he does not have access totwo children, like I said, I
just didn't, I don't know I, Ihe showed me so much of what I
thought was love, it didn'tmatter.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
And then you said that he, that he was the
scariest one.
So can you walk me through thisrelationship?
Can you walk me through theprogression and the things that
happened that showed you that hewas lying?
He didn't have his anger undercontrol?
Speaker 2 (12:19):
Yeah, so the first indication but unfortunately I
also justified was when we wereat the bar and I just like I
went to the bathroom and I hadto walk past a group of guys and
on my way back they werehitting on me.
He was also taking painkillers,which I did not realize, and
(12:39):
drinking.
He got mad at me because theguy hit on me when I was like
walking past and like policeended up getting called because
the men started getting verycrazy and then he berated me on
the way home that night.
It was my fault that this guyhit on me and that he got angry
and then the police got calledand then we were asked to leave
the bar and he actually threw meup against the fence and I
(13:03):
guess somebody had called 911.
And I did talk to a policeofficer and I defended him.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
She defended him, and I want to point out how normal
this is in an abusiverelationship, because once law
enforcement gets involved, youkind of feel this instinctual
need to protect them, because ifyou don't, you know that when
you go home it's going to be 10times worse than it ever has
(13:33):
been, because their adrenalineis already so heightened from
dealing with the cops that youare going to be the only person
that they can take it out on,and they absolutely will.
So you feel the need to comeand to be the only person that
they can take it out on, andthey absolutely will.
So you feel the need to comeand to be the superhero in that
moment and to make them look asinnocent as possible.
You are always playing cleanupcrew when you are with a
(13:56):
narcissist or an abusive partner.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
My old self described it as it was just minorly
physical.
Um, he pushed me into the fencebecause I kept walking away and
like I went out and likescratched his face.
Um, I don't remember if I meantto scratch his face or what,
but like I I did.
He had scratch marks, um, andpolice were called and they
showed up and we were like no,we're good.
And we went home that night andwe pretended like none of it
(14:24):
happened and we continued lifelike none of that happened.
And like two or three weekslater, when he was preparing to
go on his trip to Vegas with hisfriends, it somehow came out
that he cheated on me with hisex-girlfriend and she was
pregnant, and so in that momentwe were at my apartment and I
(14:45):
was like no, like get out, likeget, get out of my face, get out
of my life, get out of my house, like that's, we're not doing
this.
Um, and he got mad at me and I,like he got in my face and like
I slapped him.
Um, and which is weird, a weirdinstinct for somebody who is
(15:06):
very trusting that these peopledon't get like that.
But I just knew this wasdifferent and like instinctually
, and the second, I slapped himlike instantly.
All life left him and his eyesjust went dark and that was no
longer the same person I knew hewas.
(15:27):
Just you could just see it turnin him.
He did like a weird littletwitch thing too, um, and he
just unleashed on me.
He started punching me, kickingme, um, like grabbing me by,
like my shoulders and like justbanging my head against the
floor repeatedly.
Um, I got thrown across theroom at some point.
(15:49):
Um, I was unconscious at somepoint I don't think for very
long.
Um, I tried to escape um andlike got my front door open and
everything was like trying to.
Literally.
I was on the ground, I wastrying to pull myself out
through the doorframe and I likehe dragged me back in.
Um, and at some point I don't Ihave no idea how it ended, but
(16:10):
just next thing, I know hegrabbed his stuff and he's gone
On his.
I just heard his motorcycle andat that point I ran outside for
my life Because I was so afraidhe was going to come back in
and like start over again that Iran down my apartment complex
(16:31):
barefoot, screaming for help.
Um, and nobody was answering.
Nobody was answering any of thedoors, nobody wanted to help in
its broad daylight middle ofthe day.
Um, nobody wanted to help and Iended up going back to my
apartment buildings.
I heard his motorcycle leaveand so I was like, oh God, maybe
(16:52):
I can at least get back into myapartment and lock the door and
like be done with this.
And this just angel of a woman,um, from my building recognized
me and she just was like I areyou okay?
What do you need?
I'm going to1-1.
And I was like no, it's fine,I'm fine.
I just got to go to myapartment.
So I was in such shock and shewas like no, sweetie, I'm gonna,
(17:13):
I'm gonna call 9-1-1 and likecan I call somebody else?
And that was kind of just likeit.
Um, it was just like it wasover, just like that.
I don't know, I have no idea howwe went from I cheated on you
to that, but unfortunately thatwasn't the last time.
Um, my sister ended up makingme go to the emergency room
(17:37):
immediately after that, um, andwe filed I filed a police report
.
I did it.
Um went to the emergency room,which was significantly worse
than actually living through theassault because of like how
(17:57):
many times I had to repeat mystory and how many times like I
had to like admit out loud whatjust happened, when I'm still
not even sure what just happened.
Um, you know all of thequestions and like all of the
photos and like it was very likeinvasive and necessary, but
invasive.
(18:18):
And, um, you know, every timeyou go to a new tech they ask
you the same question and like,um, being autistic, I don't, I
don't know how to like not justanswer the questions like that
you're asking, um, and so, whenpeople are like, why are you
here?
I'm like, oh, uh, I'm hereCause my boyfriend uh, maybe
(18:40):
ex-boyfriend, might, I don'tknow, this guy assaulted me, you
know, and I didn't again, Ihadn't even had time to process.
But actually, interestingly,when my sister picked me up to
take me to the emergency room,she said we need to call mom and
dad, we need to tell themBecause, again, these are
(19:01):
patterns and I need to starttelling people that I love.
And I said, okay, well, let'scall dad first.
Um, he was in Florida takingcare of our grandma and he
became irate and screamed at meand started blaming me.
Yeah, he was like what the fuckare you doing?
(19:21):
You're so stupid.
How can you even allow that tohappen, like to the point where,
like I don't even I know Idissociated and I just remember
reaching and just hanging up onhim and my sister and I like
didn't even speak about itbecause like she knew, like how
absurd, like there was just noword.
So we just sat in silence tillwe got to the emergency room,
and that was how he reacted tome being assaulted was that was
(19:45):
my fault, and so I did it again.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Okay, explain that what happened.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
I went to therapy, I started addressing things, or so
I thought, I thought I washealing.
And then, I don't know, twomonths later I'm in another
relationship with another manwho has a violent history and I
(20:17):
knew that, specifically, he wasnot violent towards women,
according to him.
Just you know other men and um,I think I found safety in it,
one because he could protect mefrom my ex Um, but also,
obviously, the familiarity of itUm and he, I did not know, was
(20:37):
in recovery or was supposed tobe in recovery and was drinking
again and um, so we're dating,we're going out drinking, we're
doing all of this stuff, and Idon't even remember what led up
to that night.
But he was super drunk andstarted screaming at me over
something and jumped out of mycar or no, he tried to.
(20:57):
I was driving, he tried to throwmy car in park while we were
driving and so I like whippedover and like threw the car, in
(21:19):
part because I'm not, you know,I don't want to ruin my car and
he gets out and I get outbecause he's like walking in the
middle of the time.
They didn't really do much andthey said well, you can come
back if they start to show up, Isaid great Cool, I just want to
be done with this.
And shortly after he kind ofcrept back into my life and was
(21:43):
in that love bombing and showingme I'm sober and I'm so sorry
and let me show you I've changed.
And he did kind of I mean wewent through the cycle right so
he did show me he's changed inthis moment for the first few
months.
Speaker 1 (21:56):
And that's how it goes.
The cycle of abuse he's goingto pretend to change for only a
short amount of time.
Because, if we learned anythingfrom Lauren's episode where we
talked about the cycle of abuse,they are currently in the
reconciliation phase of thecycle.
Eventually, tension is going tobuild and there's going to be
(22:19):
another explosion and the cyclethen just repeats itself over
and over and over again untilyou break that cycle and that
addiction.
Speaker 2 (22:32):
Cold turkey um, shortly after, he kind of crept
back into my life and was inthat love bombing and showing me
I'm sober and I'm so sorry.
And let me show you I'vechanged.
And he did kind of I mean, wewent through the, through the
cycle, right so he did show mehe's changed in this moment for
the first, you know few months,Um, and we I just kind of was
(22:54):
like, well, as long as hedoesn't touch me again, as long
as he doesn't touch me again.
And unfortunately he didn'ttouch me again, which is why it
took me so long to leave.
Instead, I just endured moreemotional um emotional violence,
um more physical intimidation,more throwing of things, more
blaming, more.
(23:14):
I don't even want to say that Inever had any of my exes isolate
me, because I didn't need to beisolated.
I lived in a family that wassick and accepted the abuse and
thought it was love.
With this man in particular, Iremember just thinking like I
think I'm going to die if I stayhere.
And there was no specific thing.
(23:34):
He hadn't been violent again,Like he hadn't put hands on me
again since that one time, andthat was a year and a half
before I finally left.
But I just knew that key waschanging.
There was, he was gettingdarker and I just knew if I
stayed I was going to die.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
I just got cold chills because I too have had
that thought, just having thatgut feeling of he's going to
kill me.
Was that the last relationshipthat you were in before you
really focused on your ownhealing?
Speaker 2 (24:09):
Yeah, I mean definitely the last toxic
relationship in that way.
I think I dated a couple moreguys, but as soon as I saw the
red flags, I acknowledged theminstead of staying in it and
powering through.
I don't know that I necessarilypick up on red flags as quick
as other people.
I attribute this one to mylifelong like abuse,
(24:35):
narcissistic abuse, but alsowith my autism.
I really struggle readingpeople and subcontacts, and so I
did find myself still seekingout these men that I was seeing
signs sooner and like I had thedrive to be done.
I just didn't know how to bedone and so thankfully, that was
(24:57):
the most the last toxic, likesuper toxic relationship and
eventually led me to my husbandrelationship and eventually led
me to my husband.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
I love a happy ending .
You told me that you know nowyou are in a healthy and loving
relationship, and the cliffnotes that you sent me before we
sat down for this interview.
But you had said that it'staken you a lot of work to get
to the point that you are now.
So what kind of work have youbeen doing?
Speaker 2 (25:23):
Well, well, there's been um, tons of work.
I mean, you know I mentionedthat I've been in and out of
therapy my whole life, Um, butthis time I'm a little bit more
spiritual than I've ever been,um, in the sense that, like, I
don't I haven't really definedmy spirituality, but I think
(25:44):
it's more grounded in trustingmyself and trusting the universe
and just trusting, like karma,I guess.
And just what you're puttingout is what you're getting back.
And so I think I realized that,like I was holding myself back
in therapy because I wasn't, Iwas cutting out the specific
people I was tired of, but Iwasn't cutting out the patterns
(26:08):
and I say that because I wasbreaking up with all of these
men but I wasn't confronting theperson and the things that were
making it okay for me to havethese people in my life.
I needed to start confrontingme.
That was probably the hardestconfronting, like, why are you
(26:29):
so afraid of being happy?
Why are you so afraid of takinga risk?
And I mean, ultimately, theanswer was I didn't believe I
deserved those things.
I just didn't.
People like me don't get accessto those relationships and I
don't even know if I believethat healthy relationships were
(26:49):
real, I'd never seen them.
I just assumed everybody wasreally good at faking it.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
Jenna says this about how she had to confront herself
, and I don't know that I'veever felt more validated,
because I have said for a verylong time that I believe that
there are two different layersor levels to healing after abuse
.
One is confronting the person,the person who caused you so
(27:17):
much pain and trauma and sorrowand despair, and making them the
monster in your story.
Like I said in episode six,it's easy to have someone to
blame, but then there is thatsecond layer of opening the door
and looking at yourself andsaying, okay, but why?
Why did I accept abuse for solong?
(27:40):
Why did I think that I deservedit?
And for Jenna to say this,talking about it now, I have
goosebumps.
It's a very real thing thatsurvivors go through in the
aftermath of abuse.
I remember having the samethought like healthy
(28:02):
relationships are just a fairytale.
They're literally just fromHallmark or Hollywood.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
I remember thinking and believing in my heart and
soul.
If you believe andwholeheartedly trust your man,
that means you don't, You're notseeing everything.
I 100% believe that, thatyou're just being duped.
There's no squeaky clean menand like and again, I didn't
(28:29):
have access to them.
I truly, genuinely, I had neverseen a good man before.
I didn't know what that lookedlike, so I didn't know that they
could exist.
The only version of men I knewwere people wearing masks.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
Are you finding how long have you been in this
marriage now?
Are you finding how?
Speaker 2 (28:45):
long have you been in this marriage?
Now We've been together.
We just celebrated five yearsback in April, um, so it's been
a lot of work.
Um, I will not pretend that, um, I was.
I was pretty healed on anindividual level.
I was very comfortable beingsingle, and all of that.
(29:06):
When we met which was notsomething I'd ever been going
into a relationship before, Iwas still in that very
codependent stage, um, but we Imean, we struggled, I, it was
the first healthy relationshipI'd been in.
So, unfortunately for him, Iwas always waiting for the other
shoe to drop.
Um, I was always wondering whatis it that you're hiding?
(29:28):
Um, what are those like realtruths?
Oh, okay, you say that, butwhat do you really mean?
You know, and this poor manendured it all, um, and he just
kept showing up for me and thatwas like the thing is like it
didn't matter how crazy I wasLike, and I genuinely was crazy
(29:50):
in some of my moments, justifiedat times, but just I was crazy.
I made myself crazy.
All of these experiences made mecrazy, and this poor man had to
just kind of take it and thenlook at me and then be like okay
, well, now that that's done.
Like what can we do better?
Like what can I do?
What do you need?
Um, what should I have done toprevent those big emotions?
(30:15):
Um, and it he just was open andhonest and even when I was like
really crazy and like I hurt himor I scared him or you know
whatever um he was able to comewith me with so much love and
compassion and be like I didn'tlike that, but like I get it and
it's okay, and like we just gotto do better, but like it's
okay that you just completelycollapsed, it's okay that like
(30:39):
you just got so overwhelmed andsaid all of these ridiculous
things and like you're safe andyou don't have to do those
things.
And so it was a lot of work andand then like kind of healing
and then kind of going throughall of that and him standing by
me when I was trying to figureout what it means to not have a
(31:01):
father twice.
I had to do that twice becauseI did meet my biological father
and he sucked worse than thefirst.
Speaker 1 (31:11):
A lot of the times it's kind of like a generational
thing that is passed down.
You know your mom was attractedto these kinds of men.
You were introduced tonarcissism very early on and
through.
What did you say about 25 years?
Speaker 2 (31:28):
is when you finally kind of woke up.
And now you're breaking thecycle.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
That's a lot of work.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
That's a lot of work.
I I've always known I wasdifferent than my family in so
in so many ways, um, and I wasalways the protector of my
family, um, and so, again, whenmy niece came into this world
and I'm seeing all of this stuffthat I'm like I don't, that,
(32:01):
we're not doing that Like that,no, no, um, we're.
Every choice we're all makingis for the better of this baby.
It has nothing to do with you,me or anybody.
Um, and and at that point thatwas when I was like, wow, this
is, this is what we're talkingabout.
When we talk about breakinggenerational curses, it's facing
(32:21):
my stuff, right, like I have toface what I went through and
all of that achiness I have tostart facing, like, the stuff
that, like everything above usand our family tree, had to deal
with and start healing thosepieces of us.
And unfortunately, like I,fortunately, unfortunately I was
(32:42):
the head of that in our familyand I started forcing everybody
in our family to start facingthings.
Um, I'm so grateful my sisterwanted to do that without a lot
of push, without any push, um,or, obviously, her daughter, um,
I'm so grateful my mom wantedto do better for my niece, even
if it meant being around herabuser, um.
I'm so grateful my mom wanted todo better for my niece, even if
it meant being around herabuser, um, and you know I it's
(33:11):
just, it's heavy and it's causeit's like you have to explain
this to people that never wantedto confront those things, the
same things that they wereenduring in the same systems
that they were enduring, um, andI don't know if you've ever
tried to explain to somebodythat's something they can't see.
But it's like you're crazy,like um, and it's heavy and you
just kind of have to becomfortable just being like
(33:31):
these are my choices and youdon't have to get them, um, you
don't have to understand them,you don't have to agree with
them, but just knowing and beingcomfortable with like knowing
whatever those things were werewrong and that's been the
hardest thing, I think is likejust being at peace with not
explaining yourself and lettingpeople talk and say what they're
(33:54):
going to say and just OK,that's fine and I'm just going
to do me and reap the benefitsof it while you do what you're
doing.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
I've absolutely loved this conversation.
Thank you for meeting with metoday, but I do have one last
question for you, and that isfor the victim or survivor who
listens to your story, whoidentifies with anything that
(34:25):
you talked about.
What advice do you have forthem?
Speaker 2 (34:30):
Kind of referenced this earlier.
The people, the person thatyou're afraid to leave, that
version of the person thatyou're afraid to leave, that you
don't want to lose, is not theperson you're leaving.
You're leaving, you want toleave that person, the person
(34:50):
you're hanging on for is justtheir mask.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
Hey, I'm Alyssa, the host of Dismissed True Stories,
and if you like what you heardtoday, give me a five-star
rating and hit that notificationbell, because I do upload every
Friday.
If you are a survivor or youknow someone who this podcast
episode may resonate with, I askthat you share this with them.
There is nothing quite likehelping a survivor or a victim
(35:19):
of abuse feel seen and heard andvalidated.
It is extremely healing andhelpful to the journey and the
process after abuse.
If you are a survivor andyou're ready to share your truth
, please follow me on my socials.
I've included them in thefooter of this episode.
Send me your story, the CliffNotes version, and I will get
(35:44):
back with you.
And, as always, thank you somuch for being here.
The world is truly a betterplace because you are in it.
I'm going to go ahead and dothat, thank you.
This episode of Dismissed True Stories is
brought to you by Persephoneai.
Persephoneai is an innovativeand disruptive discreet app
where you can more securelystash your evidence of abuse,
make static notes, uploadattachments, import audio-video
files and even requesttranscription and language
(00:21):
translation.
Transcription and languagetranslation.
Then export your full evidence,report on your timeline, sos
the police or even use it incourt after your safe exit.
You are not alone, andPersephone is here when you
don't know who to tell.
Find Persephoneai on GooglePlay or the App Store.
(00:42):
In this episode, we will behearing directly from a survivor
as they recount their personaljourney.
Dismissed True Storiesrecognizes that discussion of
abuse and trauma can evokestrong emotional responses and
it may be triggering for somelisteners.
Listener, discretion is advised.
Hey, I'm Elissa and this isDismiss True Stories the podcast
(01:05):
.
This podcast was born from theidea that when I was a little
girl, I wanted to be a warreporter in the sense that I
just really wanted to talk aboutthe things that matter in the
world.
And when I ended up walking awayfrom my professional
broadcasting career and into anabusive relationship, I realized
that victims and survivorsreally do fight their own wars
(01:28):
at home.
I volunteer with a localdomestic violence shelter in my
city and as I was putting on avigil for the lives lost to
domestic violence last year, Istumbled upon a story that will
forever stick with me.
I did the research to find thisvictim's family, since she is no
longer with us, and onesentence kept rattling around in
(01:52):
my brain Let them tell theirstory.
And while I haven't worked upthe confidence to get in touch
with her family just yet, I wantthis podcast to not only be
about the survivors who livedand escaped, but the stories
from the family members ofvictims who, unfortunately, are
(02:14):
no longer with us.
I sat on this idea for almost ayear before I decided to
randomly make a TikTok videoasking for survivors to come
forward and share their storiesof survivorship, and what
happened next was completely andtotally unexpected.
(02:35):
Women came forward sending metheir stories of survival,
telling me that they were sosick and tired of being quiet,
because what happens so often isthat survivors are silenced,
people aren't ready or equippedto handle their truth or
sometimes simply they just don'twant to make the time.
(02:57):
But now, on Dismissed TrueStories, we're making the time.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
I didn't feel like I had anywhere to go unless I went
home to the man who raised meand I knew he would see that as
a failure.
He wanted me to stay in theserelationships pretty
consistently.
His favorite boyfriends of minewere the most toxic.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Welcome back to Dismissed True Stories.
This is episode eight and thesecond part of Jenna's story.
Last week we talked aboutJenna's childhood, how she was
raised by a narcissistic fatherfigure and how the model of love
that she was shown growing upnot only the type of love that
she received, but the type oflove that she was witnessed to
(03:43):
and the dynamic between herstepdad and her mom was very
toxic.
It led to her picking toxic menover and over again in this
cycle, or this like repeatedpattern of behavior.
When she began dating as anadult, she told herself time and
time again that this iscomfortable, this is what she
knows, this is something thatshe saw growing up, so it's what
(04:08):
she felt she deserved.
It is so important to, as achild, be able to see and
identify healthy love and theways that are nurturing and help
you grow as a person, becausewhen you are modeled this type
of toxic love and it'snormalized, then it makes
(04:29):
complete sense that that's whatyou're going to go after,
because that's the norm.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
And so I think it's important again being raised in
narcissism, I obviously didn'thave a good compass of what love
is.
I was shown that love was thesebig emotions, whether it was
the love bombing or the anger.
So love is big, it's neverthese subtleties, it's never
safety right, like I was neversafe or I never felt safe, and
(04:58):
so I was always seeking outrelationships that made me feel
comfortable, which meant therewas big emotions always.
And I would say, my firstphysically abusive relationship
I met him when I was 17 and hewas 23.
And we dated for a very longtime.
(05:19):
We were together for about fiveyears and it didn't get abusive
until about four and a halfyears.
My big thing because, again, Ididn't have that compass of,
like, what's right and wrong myline was, if they put their
hands on me, that's when it'swrong.
Nothing else is wrong.
It's when they put their handson me in a violent way, and I
(05:43):
think that that's also importantUm, because, um, I was prone to
, uh, being coerced into sexualthings that I was uncomfortable
with, um and um.
So the first time he put hishands on me, um, that was when I
was like, okay, this isn'tright, I need to start thinking
(06:04):
about leaving Um.
But it didn't happen again, andso I think I was just like, oh,
he was just having a really badday.
He did just lose his um father,um, somewhat before that.
So I just assumed it was likethese heightened emotions.
And then, like a week later,two weeks later, he like threw
(06:27):
me up against the wall because Icame home from work late, um,
by like 10-15 minutes, like itwasn't like a big deal, um, and
he like kind of threw me upagainst the wall by my throat
and at that point I was like,okay, I've gotta, I've gotta
start doing this um, but Ididn't know how to do that
because we had a lease together.
(06:47):
I was so young I didn't reallyunderstand all of that and I
didn't feel like I had anywhereto go unless I went home to the
man who raised me and I knew hewould see that as a failure.
He wanted me to stay in theserelationships pretty
consistently.
His favorite boyfriends of minewere the most toxic.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Wanting to leave but having no place to go.
She wanted to leave one toxicand abusive relationship, but to
do that, that meant that shehad to reintroduce herself to
another toxic and abusiverelationship with her stepfather
back at home another toxic andabusive relationship with her
stepfather back at home.
This is why it is so importantfor victims and survivors to
(07:34):
have such a safe place to healand to for lack of a better term
lick their wounds, because ifnot, then the cycle of abuse and
picking a toxic person becauseyou believe that that's what you
deserve will repeat itself.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
So, um, but yeah, I that I ended up leaving.
Um, I was single for a prettylong time.
I had another boyfriend who, um, I was trying to get him to
wake up because we had planspulled a knife on me, um, and I
just kind of stupidly looked himin the face and said if you're
gonna do something, do it,otherwise get out of my face.
(08:08):
We broke up after that hedidn't.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
He didn't do anything .
Speaker 2 (08:16):
No, he was definitely one of those people that I
don't think he actually had itin him to do.
To follow through on thephysical stuff, he just he was a
lot of bravado, bravado, likeit was just never anything, it
was just a lot of bark.
But that was kind of where Iwas living is like these people
don't have it in them.
(08:37):
The next man is very toxic.
We fell in love so quickly andthat was just the love bombing
and the.
He had to be with me all thetime and I just thought that was
so romantic because nobody'swanted to spend that much time
with me.
And um, we were spendingliterally every night together.
Um, like he swapping houseskind of situation.
(08:58):
Um, and we went out.
We were having a really goodtime.
Um, we went out, we were havinga really good time and I guess
I should probably say we had anight where he told me that he
had multiple children.
He's not, he doesn't haveaccess to because of domestic
violence, but he had told mehe'd changed and I believed him
because he seemed to have hisanger under control, because he
(09:22):
never got physicallyintimidating.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
The thing is when you have no one to model healthy
love to you and then you finallyget it in the form of a
relationship where this personfeels too good to be true.
They are spending every wakingmoment with you and you feel
like it is just this answeredprayer.
(09:45):
The love bombing stage willfeel so good to a person who has
never experienced love the waythat it should be a healthy form
of love.
And then all of a sudden youfind yourself giving them all of
this magic.
(10:05):
You're loving their potentialbecause that's what they show
you in the beginning.
But then something seems tohappen that kind of rips the rug
out from under you, like howshe learned that he had kids
that he has no contact withbecause of prior DV claims.
She wasn't willing to, kind oflike, come out of that false
(10:33):
reality that she was living inbecause everything that he was
giving her felt so opposite ofwhat her stepfather growing up
had ever given her.
She wanted to keep that goodfeeling, even though from the
beginning there were red flags.
Were they like felonies?
(10:57):
What were they?
Speaker 2 (11:00):
So I never sought clarity.
Um, so I never sought clarity.
Um, I do know from myunderstanding neither of his
exes followed through on theirend of like the court stuff and
I don't know what thosespecifics were.
Um ended up coming up in mycourt case later that mine was
(11:23):
going to be the first of thislike type of offense, um, and so
I was in such a daze like Ididn't really know kind of what
that meant, what, what washappening.
Um, I was just kind of like,okay, um, great um, but he, he
was transparent that there wereprevious issues and like so much
(11:48):
that he does not have access totwo children, like I said, I
just didn't, I don't know I, Ihe showed me so much of what I
thought was love, it didn'tmatter.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
And then you said that he, that he was the
scariest one.
So can you walk me through thisrelationship?
Can you walk me through theprogression and the things that
happened that showed you that hewas lying?
He didn't have his anger undercontrol?
Speaker 2 (12:19):
Yeah, so the first indication but unfortunately I
also justified was when we wereat the bar and I just like I
went to the bathroom and I hadto walk past a group of guys and
on my way back they werehitting on me.
He was also taking painkillers,which I did not realize, and
(12:39):
drinking.
He got mad at me because theguy hit on me when I was like
walking past and like policeended up getting called because
the men started getting verycrazy and then he berated me on
the way home that night.
It was my fault that this guyhit on me and that he got angry
and then the police got calledand then we were asked to leave
the bar and he actually threw meup against the fence and I
(13:03):
guess somebody had called 911.
And I did talk to a policeofficer and I defended him.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
She defended him, and I want to point out how normal
this is in an abusiverelationship, because once law
enforcement gets involved, youkind of feel this instinctual
need to protect them, because ifyou don't, you know that when
you go home it's going to be 10times worse than it ever has
(13:33):
been, because their adrenalineis already so heightened from
dealing with the cops that youare going to be the only person
that they can take it out on,and they absolutely will.
So you feel the need to comeand to be the only person that
they can take it out on, andthey absolutely will.
So you feel the need to comeand to be the superhero in that
moment and to make them look asinnocent as possible.
You are always playing cleanupcrew when you are with a
(13:56):
narcissist or an abusive partner.
Speaker 2 (14:00):
My old self described it as it was just minorly
physical.
Um, he pushed me into the fencebecause I kept walking away and
like I went out and likescratched his face.
Um, I don't remember if I meantto scratch his face or what,
but like I I did.
He had scratch marks, um, andpolice were called and they
showed up and we were like no,we're good.
And we went home that night andwe pretended like none of it
(14:24):
happened and we continued lifelike none of that happened.
And like two or three weekslater, when he was preparing to
go on his trip to Vegas with hisfriends, it somehow came out
that he cheated on me with hisex-girlfriend and she was
pregnant, and so in that momentwe were at my apartment and I
(14:45):
was like no, like get out, likeget, get out of my face, get out
of my life, get out of my house, like that's, we're not doing
this.
Um, and he got mad at me and I,like he got in my face and like
I slapped him.
Um, and which is weird, a weirdinstinct for somebody who is
(15:06):
very trusting that these peopledon't get like that.
But I just knew this wasdifferent and like instinctually
, and the second, I slapped himlike instantly.
All life left him and his eyesjust went dark and that was no
longer the same person I knew hewas.
(15:27):
Just you could just see it turnin him.
He did like a weird littletwitch thing too, um, and he
just unleashed on me.
He started punching me, kickingme, um, like grabbing me by,
like my shoulders and like justbanging my head against the
floor repeatedly.
Um, I got thrown across theroom at some point.
(15:49):
Um, I was unconscious at somepoint I don't think for very
long.
Um, I tried to escape um andlike got my front door open and
everything was like trying to.
Literally.
I was on the ground, I wastrying to pull myself out
through the doorframe and I likehe dragged me back in.
Um, and at some point I don't Ihave no idea how it ended, but
(16:10):
just next thing, I know hegrabbed his stuff and he's gone
On his.
I just heard his motorcycle andat that point I ran outside for
my life Because I was so afraidhe was going to come back in
and like start over again that Iran down my apartment complex
(16:31):
barefoot, screaming for help.
Um, and nobody was answering.
Nobody was answering any of thedoors, nobody wanted to help in
its broad daylight middle ofthe day.
Um, nobody wanted to help and Iended up going back to my
apartment buildings.
I heard his motorcycle leaveand so I was like, oh God, maybe
(16:52):
I can at least get back into myapartment and lock the door and
like be done with this.
And this just angel of a woman,um, from my building recognized
me and she just was like I areyou okay?
What do you need?
I'm going to1-1.
And I was like no, it's fine,I'm fine.
I just got to go to myapartment.
So I was in such shock and shewas like no, sweetie, I'm gonna,
(17:13):
I'm gonna call 9-1-1 and likecan I call somebody else?
And that was kind of just likeit.
Um, it was just like it wasover, just like that.
I don't know, I have no idea howwe went from I cheated on you
to that, but unfortunately thatwasn't the last time.
Um, my sister ended up makingme go to the emergency room
(17:37):
immediately after that, um, andwe filed I filed a police report
.
I did it.
Um went to the emergency room,which was significantly worse
than actually living through theassault because of like how
(17:57):
many times I had to repeat mystory and how many times like I
had to like admit out loud whatjust happened, when I'm still
not even sure what just happened.
Um, you know all of thequestions and like all of the
photos and like it was very likeinvasive and necessary, but
invasive.
(18:18):
And, um, you know, every timeyou go to a new tech they ask
you the same question and like,um, being autistic, I don't, I
don't know how to like not justanswer the questions like that
you're asking, um, and so, whenpeople are like, why are you
here?
I'm like, oh, uh, I'm hereCause my boyfriend uh, maybe
(18:40):
ex-boyfriend, might, I don'tknow, this guy assaulted me, you
know, and I didn't again, Ihadn't even had time to process.
But actually, interestingly,when my sister picked me up to
take me to the emergency room,she said we need to call mom and
dad, we need to tell themBecause, again, these are
(19:01):
patterns and I need to starttelling people that I love.
And I said, okay, well, let'scall dad first.
Um, he was in Florida takingcare of our grandma and he
became irate and screamed at meand started blaming me.
Yeah, he was like what the fuckare you doing?
(19:21):
You're so stupid.
How can you even allow that tohappen, like to the point where,
like I don't even I know Idissociated and I just remember
reaching and just hanging up onhim and my sister and I like
didn't even speak about itbecause like she knew, like how
absurd, like there was just noword.
So we just sat in silence tillwe got to the emergency room,
and that was how he reacted tome being assaulted was that was
(19:45):
my fault, and so I did it again.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Okay, explain that what happened.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
I went to therapy, I started addressing things, or so
I thought, I thought I washealing.
And then, I don't know, twomonths later I'm in another
relationship with another manwho has a violent history and I
(20:17):
knew that, specifically, he wasnot violent towards women,
according to him.
Just you know other men and um,I think I found safety in it,
one because he could protect mefrom my ex Um, but also,
obviously, the familiarity of itUm and he, I did not know, was
(20:37):
in recovery or was supposed tobe in recovery and was drinking
again and um, so we're dating,we're going out drinking, we're
doing all of this stuff, and Idon't even remember what led up
to that night.
But he was super drunk andstarted screaming at me over
something and jumped out of mycar or no, he tried to.
(20:57):
I was driving, he tried to throwmy car in park while we were
driving and so I like whippedover and like threw the car, in
(21:19):
part because I'm not, you know,I don't want to ruin my car and
he gets out and I get outbecause he's like walking in the
middle of the time.
They didn't really do much andthey said well, you can come
back if they start to show up, Isaid great Cool, I just want to
be done with this.
And shortly after he kind ofcrept back into my life and was
(21:43):
in that love bombing and showingme I'm sober and I'm so sorry
and let me show you I've changed.
And he did kind of I mean wewent through the cycle right so
he did show me he's changed inthis moment for the first few
months.
Speaker 1 (21:56):
And that's how it goes.
The cycle of abuse he's goingto pretend to change for only a
short amount of time.
Because, if we learned anythingfrom Lauren's episode where we
talked about the cycle of abuse,they are currently in the
reconciliation phase of thecycle.
Eventually, tension is going tobuild and there's going to be
(22:19):
another explosion and the cyclethen just repeats itself over
and over and over again untilyou break that cycle and that
addiction.
Speaker 2 (22:32):
Cold turkey um, shortly after, he kind of crept
back into my life and was inthat love bombing and showing me
I'm sober and I'm so sorry.
And let me show you I'vechanged.
And he did kind of I mean, wewent through the, through the
cycle, right so he did show mehe's changed in this moment for
the first, you know few months,Um, and we I just kind of was
(22:54):
like, well, as long as hedoesn't touch me again, as long
as he doesn't touch me again.
And unfortunately he didn'ttouch me again, which is why it
took me so long to leave.
Instead, I just endured moreemotional um emotional violence,
um more physical intimidation,more throwing of things, more
blaming, more.
(23:14):
I don't even want to say that Inever had any of my exes isolate
me, because I didn't need to beisolated.
I lived in a family that wassick and accepted the abuse and
thought it was love.
With this man in particular, Iremember just thinking like I
think I'm going to die if I stayhere.
And there was no specific thing.
(23:34):
He hadn't been violent again,Like he hadn't put hands on me
again since that one time, andthat was a year and a half
before I finally left.
But I just knew that key waschanging.
There was, he was gettingdarker and I just knew if I
stayed I was going to die.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
I just got cold chills because I too have had
that thought, just having thatgut feeling of he's going to
kill me.
Was that the last relationshipthat you were in before you
really focused on your ownhealing?
Speaker 2 (24:09):
Yeah, I mean definitely the last toxic
relationship in that way.
I think I dated a couple moreguys, but as soon as I saw the
red flags, I acknowledged theminstead of staying in it and
powering through.
I don't know that I necessarilypick up on red flags as quick
as other people.
I attribute this one to mylifelong like abuse,
(24:35):
narcissistic abuse, but alsowith my autism.
I really struggle readingpeople and subcontacts, and so I
did find myself still seekingout these men that I was seeing
signs sooner and like I had thedrive to be done.
I just didn't know how to bedone and so thankfully, that was
(24:57):
the most the last toxic, likesuper toxic relationship and
eventually led me to my husbandrelationship and eventually led
me to my husband.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
I love a happy ending .
You told me that you know nowyou are in a healthy and loving
relationship, and the cliffnotes that you sent me before we
sat down for this interview.
But you had said that it'staken you a lot of work to get
to the point that you are now.
So what kind of work have youbeen doing?
Speaker 2 (25:23):
Well, well, there's been um, tons of work.
I mean, you know I mentionedthat I've been in and out of
therapy my whole life, Um, butthis time I'm a little bit more
spiritual than I've ever been,um, in the sense that, like, I
don't I haven't really definedmy spirituality, but I think
(25:44):
it's more grounded in trustingmyself and trusting the universe
and just trusting, like karma,I guess.
And just what you're puttingout is what you're getting back.
And so I think I realized that,like I was holding myself back
in therapy because I wasn't, Iwas cutting out the specific
people I was tired of, but Iwasn't cutting out the patterns
(26:08):
and I say that because I wasbreaking up with all of these
men but I wasn't confronting theperson and the things that were
making it okay for me to havethese people in my life.
I needed to start confrontingme.
That was probably the hardestconfronting, like, why are you
(26:29):
so afraid of being happy?
Why are you so afraid of takinga risk?
And I mean, ultimately, theanswer was I didn't believe I
deserved those things.
I just didn't.
People like me don't get accessto those relationships and I
don't even know if I believethat healthy relationships were
(26:49):
real, I'd never seen them.
I just assumed everybody wasreally good at faking it.
Speaker 1 (26:56):
Jenna says this about how she had to confront herself
, and I don't know that I'veever felt more validated,
because I have said for a verylong time that I believe that
there are two different layersor levels to healing after abuse
.
One is confronting the person,the person who caused you so
(27:17):
much pain and trauma and sorrowand despair, and making them the
monster in your story.
Like I said in episode six,it's easy to have someone to
blame, but then there is thatsecond layer of opening the door
and looking at yourself andsaying, okay, but why?
Why did I accept abuse for solong?
(27:40):
Why did I think that I deservedit?
And for Jenna to say this,talking about it now, I have
goosebumps.
It's a very real thing thatsurvivors go through in the
aftermath of abuse.
I remember having the samethought like healthy
(28:02):
relationships are just a fairytale.
They're literally just fromHallmark or Hollywood.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
I remember thinking and believing in my heart and
soul.
If you believe andwholeheartedly trust your man,
that means you don't, You're notseeing everything.
I 100% believe that, thatyou're just being duped.
There's no squeaky clean menand like and again, I didn't
(28:29):
have access to them.
I truly, genuinely, I had neverseen a good man before.
I didn't know what that lookedlike, so I didn't know that they
could exist.
The only version of men I knewwere people wearing masks.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
Are you finding how long have you been in this
marriage now?
Are you finding how?
Speaker 2 (28:45):
long have you been in this marriage?
Now We've been together.
We just celebrated five yearsback in April, um, so it's been
a lot of work.
Um, I will not pretend that, um, I was.
I was pretty healed on anindividual level.
I was very comfortable beingsingle, and all of that.
(29:06):
When we met which was notsomething I'd ever been going
into a relationship before, Iwas still in that very
codependent stage, um, but we Imean, we struggled, I, it was
the first healthy relationshipI'd been in.
So, unfortunately for him, Iwas always waiting for the other
shoe to drop.
Um, I was always wondering whatis it that you're hiding?
(29:28):
Um, what are those like realtruths?
Oh, okay, you say that, butwhat do you really mean?
You know, and this poor manendured it all, um, and he just
kept showing up for me and thatwas like the thing is like it
didn't matter how crazy I wasLike, and I genuinely was crazy
(29:50):
in some of my moments, justifiedat times, but just I was crazy.
I made myself crazy.
All of these experiences made mecrazy, and this poor man had to
just kind of take it and thenlook at me and then be like okay
, well, now that that's done.
Like what can we do better?
Like what can I do?
What do you need?
Um, what should I have done toprevent those big emotions?
(30:15):
Um, and it he just was open andhonest and even when I was like
really crazy and like I hurt himor I scared him or you know
whatever um he was able to comewith me with so much love and
compassion and be like I didn'tlike that, but like I get it and
it's okay, and like we just gotto do better, but like it's
okay that you just completelycollapsed, it's okay that like
(30:39):
you just got so overwhelmed andsaid all of these ridiculous
things and like you're safe andyou don't have to do those
things.
And so it was a lot of work andand then like kind of healing
and then kind of going throughall of that and him standing by
me when I was trying to figureout what it means to not have a
(31:01):
father twice.
I had to do that twice becauseI did meet my biological father
and he sucked worse than thefirst.
Speaker 1 (31:11):
A lot of the times it's kind of like a generational
thing that is passed down.
You know your mom was attractedto these kinds of men.
You were introduced tonarcissism very early on and
through.
What did you say about 25 years?
Speaker 2 (31:28):
is when you finally kind of woke up.
And now you're breaking thecycle.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
That's a lot of work.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
That's a lot of work.
I I've always known I wasdifferent than my family in so
in so many ways, um, and I wasalways the protector of my
family, um, and so, again, whenmy niece came into this world
and I'm seeing all of this stuffthat I'm like I don't, that,
(32:01):
we're not doing that Like that,no, no, um, we're.
Every choice we're all makingis for the better of this baby.
It has nothing to do with you,me or anybody.
Um, and and at that point thatwas when I was like, wow, this
is, this is what we're talkingabout.
When we talk about breakinggenerational curses, it's facing
(32:21):
my stuff, right, like I have toface what I went through and
all of that achiness I have tostart facing, like, the stuff
that, like everything above usand our family tree, had to deal
with and start healing thosepieces of us.
And unfortunately, like I,fortunately, unfortunately I was
(32:42):
the head of that in our familyand I started forcing everybody
in our family to start facingthings.
Um, I'm so grateful my sisterwanted to do that without a lot
of push, without any push, um,or, obviously, her daughter, um,
I'm so grateful my mom wantedto do better for my niece, even
if it meant being around herabuser, um.
I'm so grateful my mom wanted todo better for my niece, even if
it meant being around herabuser, um, and you know I it's
(33:11):
just, it's heavy and it's causeit's like you have to explain
this to people that never wantedto confront those things, the
same things that they wereenduring in the same systems
that they were enduring, um, andI don't know if you've ever
tried to explain to somebodythat's something they can't see.
But it's like you're crazy,like um, and it's heavy and you
just kind of have to becomfortable just being like
(33:31):
these are my choices and youdon't have to get them, um, you
don't have to understand them,you don't have to agree with
them, but just knowing and beingcomfortable with like knowing
whatever those things were werewrong and that's been the
hardest thing, I think is likejust being at peace with not
explaining yourself and lettingpeople talk and say what they're
(33:54):
going to say and just OK,that's fine and I'm just going
to do me and reap the benefitsof it while you do what you're
doing.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
I've absolutely loved this conversation.
Thank you for meeting with metoday, but I do have one last
question for you, and that isfor the victim or survivor who
listens to your story, whoidentifies with anything that
(34:25):
you talked about.
What advice do you have forthem?
Speaker 2 (34:30):
Kind of referenced this earlier.
The people, the person thatyou're afraid to leave, that
version of the person thatyou're afraid to leave, that you
don't want to lose, is not theperson you're leaving.
You're leaving, you want toleave that person, the person
(34:50):
you're hanging on for is justtheir mask.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
Hey, I'm Alyssa, the host of Dismissed True Stories,
and if you like what you heardtoday, give me a five-star
rating and hit that notificationbell, because I do upload every
Friday.
If you are a survivor or youknow someone who this podcast
episode may resonate with, I askthat you share this with them.
There is nothing quite likehelping a survivor or a victim
(35:19):
of abuse feel seen and heard andvalidated.
It is extremely healing andhelpful to the journey and the
process after abuse.
If you are a survivor andyou're ready to share your truth
, please follow me on my socials.
I've included them in thefooter of this episode.
Send me your story, the CliffNotes version, and I will get
(35:44):
back with you.
And, as always, thank you somuch for being here.
The world is truly a betterplace because you are in it.
I'm going to go ahead and dothat, thank you.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.