May 2, 2025 • 33 mins
In part two of her personal story, Elissa shares the fuzzy, traumatic memories of life in a trailer with her abuser and how she eventually escaped with just a laundry basket of clothes and her toddler.
• Experiencing dissociation during abuse, creating mental "safe places" to escape
• Living in an unfinished trailer that reflected her broken relationship
• Developing a "food wound" through mealtime abuse and trauma
• Finding validation when a friend witnessed abuse and said "girl, you gotta go"
• Leaving during a moment of clarity rather than after a dramatic incident
• Choosing homelessness over abuse, sleeping in her car at Walmart
• Managing PTSD, flashbacks, and healing in the years since
• Building a new life and relationship based on healthy communication
• Finding healing through community and connecting with other survivors
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome back to Dismissed True Stories.
It is part two of my very ownstory today.
Where do we even start?
I guess with the fact that whenI uploaded and released part
one of my story last Friday,there was such a mixture of
emotions At first I was likewhat in the hell did you do,
(00:32):
girl?
Followed by some shame andembarrassment and then some
relief that I was just out inthe world, and then finally a
sense of pride, and that tookabout two to three days to fully
process digest, if you will andat the point where I'm okay
(00:59):
that this is out in the worldnow.
This is out in the world now,like I shared in part one.
My therapist always told me thattelling my story is part of my
healing journey, and I'm finallyat that place now.
Almost what?
Three years later.
She also said to me thatputting it out in the world like
(01:20):
this is also releasing itspower that it has over me and
the heaviness that I carry withit as well.
I'll be making so much moreroom mentally and emotionally
for the work that I do for myown happiness, for whoever else
(01:40):
comes in my life, whatever elsecomes in my life, and that's a
really awesome feeling to have.
I want to give an additionaltrigger warning before we get
started.
I do cry again.
What do you know?
I told myself before comingback that I was going to be
completely transparent about theway that I heal and the way
that I feel.
I think that is very importantwhen it comes to all of us who
(02:04):
are leaving some of the mostdifficult, confusing times of
our lives, and one of the mainreasons that I started
advocating to begin with wasbecause I felt so alone in my
healing.
I constantly told myself thelie that I was the only one
dealing with survivorship theway that I was and feeling the
(02:24):
way that I was the only onedealing with survivorship the
way that I was and feeling theway that I was, and that's not
fair, because I'm not.
I've learned since then that Idefinitely was not, I am not and
I will never be.
It's not an original experience.
We all struggle.
I guess I just want to touch onthe fact that telling this part
of my story it's really thispart is really hard for me for a
(02:50):
number of reasons, but mainlybecause I just I don't remember
a lot during this time and, likeI said, I am writing down these
new memories that areresurfacing, like.
I have a very hazy one thatpopped up recently of me running
outside in my slippers in thedark, hiding in someone's shed
(03:12):
while my ex drove around, and Iremember seeing his headlights,
but I can't tell you why thatwas happening.
So it's just things like thatthat are starting to resurface
and come together that I justcan't quite piece together yet.
On that note, let's get intothis.
You've waited a week for parttwo, if you're coming back,
(03:35):
thank you so much just for beinghere, for sharing.
I see you rating, giving me thefive-star reviews.
I truly do appreciate it, morethan you know, but I think that
you'll learn after listening topart two how much I truly do
appreciate you.
So let's just get into it.
(03:55):
Part two of my story when wemove into the trailer, this is
(04:23):
where things start to get really, really fuzzy for me, and I've
always kind of said that I'm notready to tell my story because
I don't remember and this is thepart that I think I try to
block out, the thing that I justdon't remember a lot from this
time, lot from this time, and Iknow that I've shared on social
(04:50):
media that I would disassociatea lot when things started to get
bad.
I would picture a light switchin my head and I would flip it
like on and off.
And when I would flip it on, Iwould imagine myself as an old
lady, probably in my eighties,sitting at a red two-person
kitchen table and I'm drinkingmy coffee in my little nightgown
(05:11):
and my son walks in as a grownman and he's coming to spend
time with me and I would see himlight up and smile when he
would see me.
And it was just me and mylittle Cape Cod house and I was
just at peace and things werequiet and like that's where I
(05:33):
would go.
And I think that's why I don'tremember a lot, because I just
started making up an imaginaryplace that felt safe to go to.
Oh God, this is hard, this ishard.
(05:57):
So I started doing like a lot ofwork cosmetically on this
trailer.
It wasn't exactly like it wasnice, but it wasn't what I
wanted and we had talked about,you know, doing some upgrades
and so I started ripping thingsout based on what we had agreed
upon.
Um, there was just so much, somuch future faking here.
(06:22):
Um, I, I remember at one, onepoint we had ordered carpet and
new floors and it was the daybefore install and he had asked
me to call the company andcancel because he had changed
his mind.
He would work on a project oneday and then let it sit for
months until he decided to pickup his tools again.
Nothing ever got finished.
We lived in a shell of a trailer, but it was empty inside.
(06:46):
We didn't have any floors.
We had plywood floors.
We had insulation hanging outof the walls with no drywall to
cover it up the doors to thecabinets to cover all the
dishware gone, no furniture.
It was a visual.
It was a little literal visualrepresentation of how that
relationship made me feel brokeninside and desperately in need
(07:09):
of some tender, love and care.
And the projects that we didwork on together.
They were absolutely terrifying, like most of this kind of work
I'd never done before.
I'd never done like DIY.
I'd never hung drywall beforedone before.
I'd never done DIY.
I'd never hung drywall before.
There's a first time foreverything and there should be a
(07:30):
learning curve allowed, right,but he would scream at me during
these projects because I didn'tknow what to do.
He would scream at me until Iwould absolutely sob because I
wasn't doing something in thecorrect way or I didn't know.
Once he actually threw a hammerat my head and he missed, thank
god, but nearly and it wasbecause he was installing a
(07:52):
dishwasher and asked me to go toLowe's for him to pick up a
part.
It was like this little washeror something like little tiny
part and I did not want to getit wrong.
I was so nervous and lost.
I remember pulling up likeYouTube videos, trying to make
sure that I was like making theright decision.
I had asked some guy thatworked there and I was like
(08:14):
begging him to tell me that itwas correct, like please give me
this word that you're correct.
And I even told him.
I was like listen, I can't gohome with the wrong part.
Like he's going to be so mad atme if I go home with wrong part
.
And this guy looked at me andthis is like this is not his
fault, like we.
I agree the community needsbetter education around abuse
(08:34):
and domestic violence, for sure.
But he looked at me and waslike if he needs it so bad, then
you tell him to drag his assinto the store and come get it
himself.
And then the guy walked awayfrom me and I think it's just
because, like, people don'tunderstand, people don't
understand, but I rememberwatching this guy walk away
feeling so small and so scaredto go home.
(08:58):
Oh yeah, I'm not going to beable to like tell you the things
that happened in the trailer inchronological order at all.
Like I tell you, I'm just goingto tell you some random things
that happened because I just, Ijust don't remember.
Things are extremely fuzzy forme, like I said.
So there were.
(09:19):
I just remember, like this isthe point in time that I tried
to leave this relationship.
A million times, more timesthan I can even count.
I would bounce around from afriend's house to a boss's house
, to hotels, and even likeopting for sleeping in my car
(09:39):
overnight just so I could getaway from him.
But ultimately, the things thathe would always tell me like oh
, you'll never make it withoutme would play on repeat in my
head and I'd go back with mytail in between my legs like a
broken and little lost puppy.
And every time I would go back,things would get worse.
(10:03):
And it was there in the trailerwhere I learned how to listen to
his footsteps to determine ifhis walk toward me meant danger,
and at this point we usuallyslept in different bedrooms,
which was welcomed by me,honestly, because it gave me the
space from him that I sodesperately needed.
(10:25):
And during this time ofsleeping separately, I started a
journal that I hid under themattress in my bedroom, and I
remember writing in it thisentry that said this place is
like a jail.
Everything I do is monitored.
It's just four walls in a bedand I'm scared of the warden
(10:49):
that walks around this place atnight, scared what he will do to
me if I so much as breathe thewrong way.
At least the food is good, andthat's only because I make it.
Yeah, I compared myrelationship to being in jail,
(11:14):
but at least the food was good.
During this time, I found myescape in gardening and yoga,
which, thankfully, he neverseemed to have a problem with,
but I think it was because Iusually did those things outside
and from the outside, lookingin, like to our neighbors.
Like our trailer looked great,and if the neighbors saw me
doing yoga out in the yard,they'd probably assume that I
was healthy and happy and it wasall a show and he was the
(11:37):
fucking director.
I'm just.
I just feel more and moregrossed out, saying these things
out loud, but I know that itneeds to happen.
So one of the biggest woundsthat I still have is what my now
fiance and I refer to as myfood wound, and it was the thing
that always, always, made me sovulnerable to his torture,
(12:01):
because multiple times a day hecould find new ways to punish me
because I'm making three mealsa day, sometimes snacks, and he
would use that to abuse me.
He would shove my face inplates of food and hold it there
while he whispered something inmy ear, he would throw plates
(12:22):
and break them, yell at me ifsomething was too salty.
One time, after leaving therelationship, one of the many
times, I stayed for a few nightswith a friend and I had made
the decision to go back aroundfive o'clock in the morning one
(12:42):
morning because our son was sosick, he was constantly throwing
up and he had been asking me togo home.
He kept saying you know, like I, just, I just want to go home,
mom, I want my bed, and it wasbreaking my heart to see him
that uncomfortable and justwanting you know his quote,
(13:03):
unquote comforts.
And so I decided to go home andwhen we walked in the trailer
he was still up at 5 am withthat friend that supplied him
drugs talking in the kitchen.
I knew he hadn't been to sleep.
It was obvious.
I immediately knew, just by theway he looked at me, that I was
(13:25):
in for it.
And this is the incident that myson calls the burrito fight.
He frequently references thisfight.
He still remembers.
So I had stopped and grabbed myson a breakfast burrito on the
way home just to see if he wouldkeep something down, because at
this point in time breakfastburritos from McDonald's were
(13:48):
his favorite food of all time.
So I was like okay, let's justsee if he eats this burrito.
So we walk inside the trailer,we sit down, I arrange the
breakfast burrito in front of myson to see if he would eat, and
my ex comes over and grabs theburrito out of our son's hands,
(14:14):
walks over, takes that burritoand smears it all down my hair.
And then he took a glass ofjuice and poured it over my head
.
Then he went to the pantry,crumpled up a bag of chips and
dumped that on my head as well.
(14:34):
And I remember my son watchingthis and he's crying for me Like
mommy, mommy, and that's all Iremember.
I can't tell you what happenedthe rest of the day.
It's blank.
I've got nothing after that,and that's how most of my
(14:56):
memories tend to go.
I can remember bits and pieces,but not the whole thing.
A lot more of the same kind ofmemories.
I remember getting to the pointwhere I always felt like I
needed to be on the phone withsomeone because I couldn't
handle being alone with him.
(15:17):
I always thought that I wasgoing to die.
I would take my phone, I wouldhide it under a pillow.
If he was around, I would havemy mom or my sister on the phone
.
I would just ask them to listenand looking back, I can't
imagine what that was like forthem.
And one thing that I tell myselffrom my own story that is so
important to convey to you isthat intimidation tactics are
(15:40):
100% abuse.
I didn't realize this at thetime because he used to pretend
to hit me with things, but hewould stop right before hitting
my body.
And, of course, like I neversaw this as abuse until a friend
watched him at a party pretendto hit me in the face with I
(16:01):
believe it was a tennis racketand after he walked out of the
room.
She pulled me aside and looksme in my eyes and said the
sentence that gave me all thepermission I needed in the world
to get the hell out of thereand wake up.
She looked at me in my eyes andshe says, girl, you gotta go.
(16:21):
And that was like all thevalidation in the world that I
needed.
Somebody else saw it.
It wasn't just me.
I could never get anybody elseto like admit that that's what
they saw.
I needed someone to validate mebecause this entire time I was
thinking I'm crazy and I'm justlike making him into a monster
(16:42):
that he's not, because that'show everybody else made me feel.
That's how he made me feel shesaved me.
She saved me.
So one of the biggest reasonsthat I started this podcast was
because I wanted to givesurvivors a safe place to share
their stories, to be seen andheard and for, maybe for the
first time ever, validated, justlike me, because that was the
(17:04):
first time I was really seen,because that was the first time
I was really seen.
I was seen and that was thething that allowed me to shift
from confusion to anger andanger.
Girl.
(17:24):
Anger is the thing that willeventually help you leave for
good.
I promise you, you get angryenough.
You're going to walk awayforever, and that's what you
want.
I know that's what you want.
You want to be able to makethem the monster in your story
because they 100% fucking are.
My mom always told me that oneday I would wake up angry and
that would be the day that I'dwalk away forever.
(17:44):
And I shit you not.
That is exactly how it happened.
It happened exactly like thatand I thought that I would
always.
It was always going to takelike some big blow up fight.
Maybe he would hurt me toobadly and first responders would
be the one to like help me getout.
But no, this morning that Iwoke up, I just woke up over it
all.
He didn't even do anything tome that day, but I woke up, took
(18:10):
our son out in the yard and Ijust couldn't get myself to come
back inside the house.
He drank, he did drugs.
I knew at some point he wasgoing to pass out and he did.
And when he did, I went inside.
I grabbed the clothes out ofthe dryer, threw them in a
laundry basket, buckled in mytoddler into his car seat and
(18:32):
away we went and I never wentback.
I started over with a laundrybasket full of clothes and we
slept in my Jeep.
We slept in my Jeep until Ifinally found a roommate to move
in with.
But you know what?
(18:54):
I left that shell of a fuckinghome, that lie of a life, and I
left it for something greater.
And it's so sad to me thatsomething greater was sleeping
in my car, in a Walmart, but itwas because it was safe.
And we know that that's notnearly everything that happened,
because how in the world?
I'm already like what at eightpages on this document.
(19:16):
How in the hell do I fit it allinto eight pages?
Like there's just no way.
I feel like that's just like.
What we talked about today islike skimming the surface, and
I'm already 53 minutes intorecording this podcast.
But we have to start somewhereright.
So I left, I worked three jobs,I chose homelessness over abuse
(19:38):
and I rebuilt my life fromnothing into something.
Was it hard?
Hell yes.
But would I do it again?
Hell yes, there's justabsolutely no way that I
wouldn't.
And now, in my healing journey,I'm engaged.
Dude, holy cow, that justhappened last week.
(19:58):
It's crazy to think abouteverything that I just told you
here today and then think abouthow far I've come.
I'm not even the same person.
I don't even recognize thatperson that was in abuse anymore
and that's like I love her.
I love her so much she was thestrongest version of me but like
I really can't feel her anymore, unless it's in a moment where
(20:23):
I'm really triggered.
Um, and I, I still have thosemoments.
I have been clinically diagnosedwith PTSD twice, cptsd once,
and yes, you can get a CPTSDdiagnosis, even though it is not
like recognized on the.
(20:43):
What is it?
The DSM-5.
I'm on a medication, went on alittle medication journey for a
while, trying to find the bestthing that worked for me.
Yay, prozac.
Love you like a sister andthat's because, once I entered
(21:03):
my relationship with my nowfiance he is my safe person
person I really worked on myself.
When I left, I deleted socialmedia.
I only focused on working andpaying off my debts, which, by
the way, I had over $10,000 indebt.
When I left, I focused on beinga mother.
(21:26):
I focused on my own healingbecause I knew if I didn't heal
myself, I couldn't help heal myson, and I fully believe that
because I put so much work intoeverything, like I knew what I
had to do when I just did it andI know that because of all that
(21:47):
work and because of all thathealing that I did, that I
attracted the man that I havenow.
I wouldn't have been able tohandle this caliber of healthy
communication and relationshipwithout going through the pain
first and acknowledging it andsitting in it.
And this man, like I said, heis my safe person.
(22:08):
And because he is my safe person, my brain has allowed me to
start remembering some things,which is very active, the end of
August through the beginning ofOctober every year, and during
this time I have flashbacks andpanic attacks, and it's weird
(22:32):
because they look differentevery time.
So when I first started havingthese flashbacks, I wouldn't
remember what I saw coming outof them.
My fiance would tell me that Iwould scream and I would cry a
lot, and the only way that hecould get me to calm down thank
the Lord for this man he wouldplay meditation, music and I
(22:53):
would come out of it and itwould take me a while to calm
down afterwards.
I don't know about you, butwhen I have these flashbacks my
body hurts and I am exhausted.
Afterwards it's very draining.
And then finally I had aflashback where I remembered.
And then finally I had aflashback where I remembered
what I saw when I came out of itand that is a outline of him.
(23:20):
We were in our son's bedroom atthe time, because I remember in
the flashback I stare at thewood paneling on the wall and I
can see the blinds.
The sunlight is filteringthrough the blinds and the
curtains on the wall, which isthe curtains that my son had in
(23:40):
his bedroom at the time and Ijust remember staring at the
rays of sunshine on the wall.
And he comes in and he beats mewith something on my left side,
in my rib area.
He beats me with something longand I can't tell if that is a
(24:04):
baseball bat or a golf clubbecause it's literally just an
outline, and my therapist tellsme that that's pretty common in
flashbacks to only see because,like, my brain is still
protecting me somewhat and it'slike in a series of like five
(24:26):
times.
It's like you know what.
I'm not even going to go there.
When I came out of thatflashback, when I finally saw
something and remembered, I'mgoing to cry again.
(24:46):
I remember coming out and myheart pounding so hard.
I felt like I had to runbecause I remember thinking if I
don't run I'm going to diefreezer and grabbed cheese.
(25:18):
I had this big GFS bag ofshredded cheese and I remember
putting it up under my shirt andholding it there and having to
pace around my living room.
I was touching everything in myliving room, trying to remind
myself that you are not thereanymore, trying to ground myself
, and the days after that Icould only listen to like
(25:44):
Christmas music and this waslike early September, because it
just felt so nostalgic and Ijust wanted to go back to a
place that felt safe.
One of my favorite memories ishow much my dad loved Christmas.
That was such a confusing timefor me because I'm like how do I
(26:05):
not remember, did I make thisup?
I felt crazy and I was scaredto leave my house because I
didn't trust my brain to not dosomething like that in public.
That sent me spiraling into thedeepest depression I've ever
(26:32):
been in.
I was really low, really,really low, and I finally got a
therapist and she's wonderful.
One of the things she's alwayssaid is telling my story is part
of my healing journey and Iknew that I would get there
(26:56):
eventually, and I just rememberfeeling so alone again, feeling
so alone again.
I didn't think that anybody washandling their healing like I
(27:18):
was.
I didn't think anyone felt thisway, and I'm so happy that I
(27:39):
finally made the decision tojust start asking around to
other women, because you knowhow people say, that people who
have been through trauma speak adifferent language and we just
know.
We don't even have to sayanything to anyone, we just know
when other people haveexperienced the things that we
have.
And so I just trusted my gutand I started messaging other
women asking if they'd beenthrough the same thing and, like
99% of the time, I was right.
I found another survivor whowas ready to talk, like I was,
(28:08):
and that's why you'll alwayshear me say that healing happens
in community.
And that's why you'll alwayshear me say that healing happens
in community, because when herand I started talking and she
(28:30):
started validating everythingthat I was thinking and
experiencing and having troubleswith healing wise, my whole
entire healing journey did a 180.
And I started posting on socialmedia.
(28:59):
I need and I get messages fromyou that say that you're so
happy that you found my page ormy podcast, because it helps you
understand that you're notalone or it helps you leave.
I never imagined that it wouldturn into this and it really
(29:22):
just started by saying I havethings to share and I have to
find someone to share it withBecause I'm feeling so alone.
Oh God, alyssa, get it together.
Thank you for listening.
I wish I would have wrote anoutro, but I didn't because I
(29:45):
told myself that I was probablygoing to get emotional and who
knows if I was going to make itthrough the whole thing.
But I did and I'm reallyfreaking proud of myself and now
you know a little bit moreabout me.
But honestly, I wouldn't haveany other way because I hope
that that you see yourself in mystory and the ways that help
(30:06):
you heal.
There is tons of room in yourlife for love and safety and
peace and dreams and hopes andfinancial stability and
emotional support and a healthyrelationship with yourself and
your family and whoever shouldcome in your life romantically
Like you can literally haveeverything that you want.
(30:28):
You really can.
I think that you just have toput some love and effort into
yourself and I really do believethat you attract better that
way.
I really do believe thatbecause I ask everybody else
like what is one piece of advicethat you would give to someone
(30:49):
who is looking to leave?
My piece of advice would be toshut out the noise, even if
that's like for five minutes aday, that you can find some
alone time, maybe like you'redriving to the grocery store.
Shut out the noise, turn onyour phone, talk to your camera,
(31:10):
say everything that you'regoing to through, sorry, out
loud and then listen to it back,because I started doing that
and three months later I left.
It's insane what hearing in yourown words, in your own voice,
what you are going through doesto you.
So shut out the noise, listento yourself and then also make
(31:35):
time to do one thing a day foryourself.
For me it was after he went towork.
I would walk the dogs, I wouldnot take my phone and I would
just be present.
I think that was just anotherform of shutting out the noise,
but doing that made me lovemyself just 1% more, like
Savannah last season said.
It's so true.
It is so true Because that 1%,that 1%, changed me so true.
(31:59):
It is so true Because that onepercent, that one percent,
changed me so much.
Take care of yourself and Ireally, really love you and
remember the world is a betterplace because you are in it.
Thank you.
Welcome back to Dismissed True Stories.
It is part two of my very ownstory today.
Where do we even start?
I guess with the fact that whenI uploaded and released part
one of my story last Friday,there was such a mixture of
emotions At first I was likewhat in the hell did you do,
(00:32):
girl?
Followed by some shame andembarrassment and then some
relief that I was just out inthe world, and then finally a
sense of pride, and that tookabout two to three days to fully
process digest, if you will andat the point where I'm okay
(00:59):
that this is out in the worldnow.
This is out in the world now,like I shared in part one.
My therapist always told me thattelling my story is part of my
healing journey, and I'm finallyat that place now.
Almost what?
Three years later.
She also said to me thatputting it out in the world like
(01:20):
this is also releasing itspower that it has over me and
the heaviness that I carry withit as well.
I'll be making so much moreroom mentally and emotionally
for the work that I do for myown happiness, for whoever else
(01:40):
comes in my life, whatever elsecomes in my life, and that's a
really awesome feeling to have.
I want to give an additionaltrigger warning before we get
started.
I do cry again.
What do you know?
I told myself before comingback that I was going to be
completely transparent about theway that I heal and the way
that I feel.
I think that is very importantwhen it comes to all of us who
(02:04):
are leaving some of the mostdifficult, confusing times of
our lives, and one of the mainreasons that I started
advocating to begin with wasbecause I felt so alone in my
healing.
I constantly told myself thelie that I was the only one
dealing with survivorship theway that I was and feeling the
(02:24):
way that I was the only onedealing with survivorship the
way that I was and feeling theway that I was, and that's not
fair, because I'm not.
I've learned since then that Idefinitely was not, I am not and
I will never be.
It's not an original experience.
We all struggle.
I guess I just want to touch onthe fact that telling this part
of my story it's really thispart is really hard for me for a
(02:50):
number of reasons, but mainlybecause I just I don't remember
a lot during this time and, likeI said, I am writing down these
new memories that areresurfacing, like.
I have a very hazy one thatpopped up recently of me running
outside in my slippers in thedark, hiding in someone's shed
(03:12):
while my ex drove around, and Iremember seeing his headlights,
but I can't tell you why thatwas happening.
So it's just things like thatthat are starting to resurface
and come together that I justcan't quite piece together yet.
On that note, let's get intothis.
You've waited a week for parttwo, if you're coming back,
(03:35):
thank you so much just for beinghere, for sharing.
I see you rating, giving me thefive-star reviews.
I truly do appreciate it, morethan you know, but I think that
you'll learn after listening topart two how much I truly do
appreciate you.
So let's just get into it.
(03:55):
Part two of my story when wemove into the trailer, this is
(04:23):
where things start to get really, really fuzzy for me, and I've
always kind of said that I'm notready to tell my story because
I don't remember and this is thepart that I think I try to
block out, the thing that I justdon't remember a lot from this
time, lot from this time, and Iknow that I've shared on social
(04:50):
media that I would disassociatea lot when things started to get
bad.
I would picture a light switchin my head and I would flip it
like on and off.
And when I would flip it on, Iwould imagine myself as an old
lady, probably in my eighties,sitting at a red two-person
kitchen table and I'm drinkingmy coffee in my little nightgown
(05:11):
and my son walks in as a grownman and he's coming to spend
time with me and I would see himlight up and smile when he
would see me.
And it was just me and mylittle Cape Cod house and I was
just at peace and things werequiet and like that's where I
(05:33):
would go.
And I think that's why I don'tremember a lot, because I just
started making up an imaginaryplace that felt safe to go to.
Oh God, this is hard, this ishard.
(05:57):
So I started doing like a lot ofwork cosmetically on this
trailer.
It wasn't exactly like it wasnice, but it wasn't what I
wanted and we had talked about,you know, doing some upgrades
and so I started ripping thingsout based on what we had agreed
upon.
Um, there was just so much, somuch future faking here.
(06:22):
Um, I, I remember at one, onepoint we had ordered carpet and
new floors and it was the daybefore install and he had asked
me to call the company andcancel because he had changed
his mind.
He would work on a project oneday and then let it sit for
months until he decided to pickup his tools again.
Nothing ever got finished.
We lived in a shell of a trailer, but it was empty inside.
(06:46):
We didn't have any floors.
We had plywood floors.
We had insulation hanging outof the walls with no drywall to
cover it up the doors to thecabinets to cover all the
dishware gone, no furniture.
It was a visual.
It was a little literal visualrepresentation of how that
relationship made me feel brokeninside and desperately in need
(07:09):
of some tender, love and care.
And the projects that we didwork on together.
They were absolutely terrifying, like most of this kind of work
I'd never done before.
I'd never done like DIY.
I'd never hung drywall beforedone before.
I'd never done DIY.
I'd never hung drywall before.
There's a first time foreverything and there should be a
(07:30):
learning curve allowed, right,but he would scream at me during
these projects because I didn'tknow what to do.
He would scream at me until Iwould absolutely sob because I
wasn't doing something in thecorrect way or I didn't know.
Once he actually threw a hammerat my head and he missed, thank
god, but nearly and it wasbecause he was installing a
(07:52):
dishwasher and asked me to go toLowe's for him to pick up a
part.
It was like this little washeror something like little tiny
part and I did not want to getit wrong.
I was so nervous and lost.
I remember pulling up likeYouTube videos, trying to make
sure that I was like making theright decision.
I had asked some guy thatworked there and I was like
(08:14):
begging him to tell me that itwas correct, like please give me
this word that you're correct.
And I even told him.
I was like listen, I can't gohome with the wrong part.
Like he's going to be so mad atme if I go home with wrong part
.
And this guy looked at me andthis is like this is not his
fault, like we.
I agree the community needsbetter education around abuse
(08:34):
and domestic violence, for sure.
But he looked at me and waslike if he needs it so bad, then
you tell him to drag his assinto the store and come get it
himself.
And then the guy walked awayfrom me and I think it's just
because, like, people don'tunderstand, people don't
understand, but I rememberwatching this guy walk away
feeling so small and so scaredto go home.
(08:58):
Oh yeah, I'm not going to beable to like tell you the things
that happened in the trailer inchronological order at all.
Like I tell you, I'm just goingto tell you some random things
that happened because I just, Ijust don't remember.
Things are extremely fuzzy forme, like I said.
So there were.
(09:19):
I just remember, like this isthe point in time that I tried
to leave this relationship.
A million times, more timesthan I can even count.
I would bounce around from afriend's house to a boss's house
, to hotels, and even likeopting for sleeping in my car
(09:39):
overnight just so I could getaway from him.
But ultimately, the things thathe would always tell me like oh
, you'll never make it withoutme would play on repeat in my
head and I'd go back with mytail in between my legs like a
broken and little lost puppy.
And every time I would go back,things would get worse.
(10:03):
And it was there in the trailerwhere I learned how to listen to
his footsteps to determine ifhis walk toward me meant danger,
and at this point we usuallyslept in different bedrooms,
which was welcomed by me,honestly, because it gave me the
space from him that I sodesperately needed.
(10:25):
And during this time ofsleeping separately, I started a
journal that I hid under themattress in my bedroom, and I
remember writing in it thisentry that said this place is
like a jail.
Everything I do is monitored.
It's just four walls in a bedand I'm scared of the warden
(10:49):
that walks around this place atnight, scared what he will do to
me if I so much as breathe thewrong way.
At least the food is good, andthat's only because I make it.
Yeah, I compared myrelationship to being in jail,
(11:14):
but at least the food was good.
During this time, I found myescape in gardening and yoga,
which, thankfully, he neverseemed to have a problem with,
but I think it was because Iusually did those things outside
and from the outside, lookingin, like to our neighbors.
Like our trailer looked great,and if the neighbors saw me
doing yoga out in the yard,they'd probably assume that I
was healthy and happy and it wasall a show and he was the
(11:37):
fucking director.
I'm just.
I just feel more and moregrossed out, saying these things
out loud, but I know that itneeds to happen.
So one of the biggest woundsthat I still have is what my now
fiance and I refer to as myfood wound, and it was the thing
that always, always, made me sovulnerable to his torture,
(12:01):
because multiple times a day hecould find new ways to punish me
because I'm making three mealsa day, sometimes snacks, and he
would use that to abuse me.
He would shove my face inplates of food and hold it there
while he whispered something inmy ear, he would throw plates
(12:22):
and break them, yell at me ifsomething was too salty.
One time, after leaving therelationship, one of the many
times, I stayed for a few nightswith a friend and I had made
the decision to go back aroundfive o'clock in the morning one
(12:42):
morning because our son was sosick, he was constantly throwing
up and he had been asking me togo home.
He kept saying you know, like I, just, I just want to go home,
mom, I want my bed, and it wasbreaking my heart to see him
that uncomfortable and justwanting you know his quote,
(13:03):
unquote comforts.
And so I decided to go home andwhen we walked in the trailer
he was still up at 5 am withthat friend that supplied him
drugs talking in the kitchen.
I knew he hadn't been to sleep.
It was obvious.
I immediately knew, just by theway he looked at me, that I was
(13:25):
in for it.
And this is the incident that myson calls the burrito fight.
He frequently references thisfight.
He still remembers.
So I had stopped and grabbed myson a breakfast burrito on the
way home just to see if he wouldkeep something down, because at
this point in time breakfastburritos from McDonald's were
(13:48):
his favorite food of all time.
So I was like okay, let's justsee if he eats this burrito.
So we walk inside the trailer,we sit down, I arrange the
breakfast burrito in front of myson to see if he would eat, and
my ex comes over and grabs theburrito out of our son's hands,
(14:14):
walks over, takes that burritoand smears it all down my hair.
And then he took a glass ofjuice and poured it over my head
.
Then he went to the pantry,crumpled up a bag of chips and
dumped that on my head as well.
(14:34):
And I remember my son watchingthis and he's crying for me Like
mommy, mommy, and that's all Iremember.
I can't tell you what happenedthe rest of the day.
It's blank.
I've got nothing after that,and that's how most of my
(14:56):
memories tend to go.
I can remember bits and pieces,but not the whole thing.
A lot more of the same kind ofmemories.
I remember getting to the pointwhere I always felt like I
needed to be on the phone withsomeone because I couldn't
handle being alone with him.
(15:17):
I always thought that I wasgoing to die.
I would take my phone, I wouldhide it under a pillow.
If he was around, I would havemy mom or my sister on the phone
.
I would just ask them to listenand looking back, I can't
imagine what that was like forthem.
And one thing that I tell myselffrom my own story that is so
important to convey to you isthat intimidation tactics are
(15:40):
100% abuse.
I didn't realize this at thetime because he used to pretend
to hit me with things, but hewould stop right before hitting
my body.
And, of course, like I neversaw this as abuse until a friend
watched him at a party pretendto hit me in the face with I
(16:01):
believe it was a tennis racketand after he walked out of the
room.
She pulled me aside and looksme in my eyes and said the
sentence that gave me all thepermission I needed in the world
to get the hell out of thereand wake up.
She looked at me in my eyes andshe says, girl, you gotta go.
(16:21):
And that was like all thevalidation in the world that I
needed.
Somebody else saw it.
It wasn't just me.
I could never get anybody elseto like admit that that's what
they saw.
I needed someone to validate mebecause this entire time I was
thinking I'm crazy and I'm justlike making him into a monster
(16:42):
that he's not, because that'show everybody else made me feel.
That's how he made me feel shesaved me.
She saved me.
So one of the biggest reasonsthat I started this podcast was
because I wanted to givesurvivors a safe place to share
their stories, to be seen andheard and for, maybe for the
first time ever, validated, justlike me, because that was the
(17:04):
first time I was really seen,because that was the first time
I was really seen.
I was seen and that was thething that allowed me to shift
from confusion to anger andanger.
Girl.
(17:24):
Anger is the thing that willeventually help you leave for
good.
I promise you, you get angryenough.
You're going to walk awayforever, and that's what you
want.
I know that's what you want.
You want to be able to makethem the monster in your story
because they 100% fucking are.
My mom always told me that oneday I would wake up angry and
that would be the day that I'dwalk away forever.
(17:44):
And I shit you not.
That is exactly how it happened.
It happened exactly like thatand I thought that I would
always.
It was always going to takelike some big blow up fight.
Maybe he would hurt me toobadly and first responders would
be the one to like help me getout.
But no, this morning that Iwoke up, I just woke up over it
all.
He didn't even do anything tome that day, but I woke up, took
(18:10):
our son out in the yard and Ijust couldn't get myself to come
back inside the house.
He drank, he did drugs.
I knew at some point he wasgoing to pass out and he did.
And when he did, I went inside.
I grabbed the clothes out ofthe dryer, threw them in a
laundry basket, buckled in mytoddler into his car seat and
(18:32):
away we went and I never wentback.
I started over with a laundrybasket full of clothes and we
slept in my Jeep.
We slept in my Jeep until Ifinally found a roommate to move
in with.
But you know what?
(18:54):
I left that shell of a fuckinghome, that lie of a life, and I
left it for something greater.
And it's so sad to me thatsomething greater was sleeping
in my car, in a Walmart, but itwas because it was safe.
And we know that that's notnearly everything that happened,
because how in the world?
I'm already like what at eightpages on this document.
(19:16):
How in the hell do I fit it allinto eight pages?
Like there's just no way.
I feel like that's just like.
What we talked about today islike skimming the surface, and
I'm already 53 minutes intorecording this podcast.
But we have to start somewhereright.
So I left, I worked three jobs,I chose homelessness over abuse
(19:38):
and I rebuilt my life fromnothing into something.
Was it hard?
Hell yes.
But would I do it again?
Hell yes, there's justabsolutely no way that I
wouldn't.
And now, in my healing journey,I'm engaged.
Dude, holy cow, that justhappened last week.
(19:58):
It's crazy to think abouteverything that I just told you
here today and then think abouthow far I've come.
I'm not even the same person.
I don't even recognize thatperson that was in abuse anymore
and that's like I love her.
I love her so much she was thestrongest version of me but like
I really can't feel her anymore, unless it's in a moment where
(20:23):
I'm really triggered.
Um, and I, I still have thosemoments.
I have been clinically diagnosedwith PTSD twice, cptsd once,
and yes, you can get a CPTSDdiagnosis, even though it is not
like recognized on the.
(20:43):
What is it?
The DSM-5.
I'm on a medication, went on alittle medication journey for a
while, trying to find the bestthing that worked for me.
Yay, prozac.
Love you like a sister andthat's because, once I entered
(21:03):
my relationship with my nowfiance he is my safe person
person I really worked on myself.
When I left, I deleted socialmedia.
I only focused on working andpaying off my debts, which, by
the way, I had over $10,000 indebt.
When I left, I focused on beinga mother.
(21:26):
I focused on my own healingbecause I knew if I didn't heal
myself, I couldn't help heal myson, and I fully believe that
because I put so much work intoeverything, like I knew what I
had to do when I just did it andI know that because of all that
(21:47):
work and because of all thathealing that I did, that I
attracted the man that I havenow.
I wouldn't have been able tohandle this caliber of healthy
communication and relationshipwithout going through the pain
first and acknowledging it andsitting in it.
And this man, like I said, heis my safe person.
(22:08):
And because he is my safe person, my brain has allowed me to
start remembering some things,which is very active, the end of
August through the beginning ofOctober every year, and during
this time I have flashbacks andpanic attacks, and it's weird
(22:32):
because they look differentevery time.
So when I first started havingthese flashbacks, I wouldn't
remember what I saw coming outof them.
My fiance would tell me that Iwould scream and I would cry a
lot, and the only way that hecould get me to calm down thank
the Lord for this man he wouldplay meditation, music and I
(22:53):
would come out of it and itwould take me a while to calm
down afterwards.
I don't know about you, butwhen I have these flashbacks my
body hurts and I am exhausted.
Afterwards it's very draining.
And then finally I had aflashback where I remembered.
And then finally I had aflashback where I remembered
what I saw when I came out of itand that is a outline of him.
(23:20):
We were in our son's bedroom atthe time, because I remember in
the flashback I stare at thewood paneling on the wall and I
can see the blinds.
The sunlight is filteringthrough the blinds and the
curtains on the wall, which isthe curtains that my son had in
(23:40):
his bedroom at the time and Ijust remember staring at the
rays of sunshine on the wall.
And he comes in and he beats mewith something on my left side,
in my rib area.
He beats me with something longand I can't tell if that is a
(24:04):
baseball bat or a golf clubbecause it's literally just an
outline, and my therapist tellsme that that's pretty common in
flashbacks to only see because,like, my brain is still
protecting me somewhat and it'slike in a series of like five
(24:26):
times.
It's like you know what.
I'm not even going to go there.
When I came out of thatflashback, when I finally saw
something and remembered, I'mgoing to cry again.
(24:46):
I remember coming out and myheart pounding so hard.
I felt like I had to runbecause I remember thinking if I
don't run I'm going to diefreezer and grabbed cheese.
(25:18):
I had this big GFS bag ofshredded cheese and I remember
putting it up under my shirt andholding it there and having to
pace around my living room.
I was touching everything in myliving room, trying to remind
myself that you are not thereanymore, trying to ground myself
, and the days after that Icould only listen to like
(25:44):
Christmas music and this waslike early September, because it
just felt so nostalgic and Ijust wanted to go back to a
place that felt safe.
One of my favorite memories ishow much my dad loved Christmas.
That was such a confusing timefor me because I'm like how do I
(26:05):
not remember, did I make thisup?
I felt crazy and I was scaredto leave my house because I
didn't trust my brain to not dosomething like that in public.
That sent me spiraling into thedeepest depression I've ever
(26:32):
been in.
I was really low, really,really low, and I finally got a
therapist and she's wonderful.
One of the things she's alwayssaid is telling my story is part
of my healing journey and Iknew that I would get there
(26:56):
eventually, and I just rememberfeeling so alone again, feeling
so alone again.
I didn't think that anybody washandling their healing like I
(27:18):
was.
I didn't think anyone felt thisway, and I'm so happy that I
(27:39):
finally made the decision tojust start asking around to
other women, because you knowhow people say, that people who
have been through trauma speak adifferent language and we just
know.
We don't even have to sayanything to anyone, we just know
when other people haveexperienced the things that we
have.
And so I just trusted my gutand I started messaging other
women asking if they'd beenthrough the same thing and, like
99% of the time, I was right.
I found another survivor whowas ready to talk, like I was,
(28:08):
and that's why you'll alwayshear me say that healing happens
in community.
And that's why you'll alwayshear me say that healing happens
in community, because when herand I started talking and she
(28:30):
started validating everythingthat I was thinking and
experiencing and having troubleswith healing wise, my whole
entire healing journey did a 180.
And I started posting on socialmedia.
(28:59):
I need and I get messages fromyou that say that you're so
happy that you found my page ormy podcast, because it helps you
understand that you're notalone or it helps you leave.
I never imagined that it wouldturn into this and it really
(29:22):
just started by saying I havethings to share and I have to
find someone to share it withBecause I'm feeling so alone.
Oh God, alyssa, get it together.
Thank you for listening.
I wish I would have wrote anoutro, but I didn't because I
(29:45):
told myself that I was probablygoing to get emotional and who
knows if I was going to make itthrough the whole thing.
But I did and I'm reallyfreaking proud of myself and now
you know a little bit moreabout me.
But honestly, I wouldn't haveany other way because I hope
that that you see yourself in mystory and the ways that help
(30:06):
you heal.
There is tons of room in yourlife for love and safety and
peace and dreams and hopes andfinancial stability and
emotional support and a healthyrelationship with yourself and
your family and whoever shouldcome in your life romantically
Like you can literally haveeverything that you want.
(30:28):
You really can.
I think that you just have toput some love and effort into
yourself and I really do believethat you attract better that
way.
I really do believe thatbecause I ask everybody else
like what is one piece of advicethat you would give to someone
(30:49):
who is looking to leave?
My piece of advice would be toshut out the noise, even if
that's like for five minutes aday, that you can find some
alone time, maybe like you'redriving to the grocery store.
Shut out the noise, turn onyour phone, talk to your camera,
(31:10):
say everything that you'regoing to through, sorry, out
loud and then listen to it back,because I started doing that
and three months later I left.
It's insane what hearing in yourown words, in your own voice,
what you are going through doesto you.
So shut out the noise, listento yourself and then also make
(31:35):
time to do one thing a day foryourself.
For me it was after he went towork.
I would walk the dogs, I wouldnot take my phone and I would
just be present.
I think that was just anotherform of shutting out the noise,
but doing that made me lovemyself just 1% more, like
Savannah last season said.
It's so true.
It is so true Because that 1%,that 1%, changed me so true.
(31:59):
It is so true Because that onepercent, that one percent,
changed me so much.
Take care of yourself and Ireally, really love you and
remember the world is a betterplace because you are in it.
Thank you.
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