Imagine Their Face When They Realize They Didn't Break You: Farah's Story PT 2

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:16):
Hello and welcome back to Dismissed True Stories.
I'm your host, elissa, and youknow how I've been saying for a
couple of intros now that Idon't know what my intro is
going to be.
I think I finally figured itout.
It just hit me just now.
Welcome back to Dismissed TrueStories.
I'm your host, elissa.
Dismissed True Stories is apodcast where we don't just

(00:38):
share stories of survival, wehelp you decode yours.
Okay, let me know what youthink.
Leave me a comment down below,okay, especially if you're on
Spotify, you can do that, youknow, okay.
So today is part two of myconversation with Farrah, and if

(01:00):
you caught part one, then youalready know this woman has
survived more than most couldever imagine.
But what we get into today, girl, that is a ride.
We're talking BDSM, we'retalking polyamory and we're

(01:20):
talking cult-like control, andthen we're talking about how
Farrah slowly and painfully andpowerfully woke up.
Inside of it all, she opens upto me about being lured into a
dynamic that looked like lovebut ended up stripping her of

(01:41):
her safety.
Looked like love but ended upstripping her of her safety, of
her autonomy and nearly heridentity.
But, of course, farrah beingFarrah, that fighting spirit
she's got.
She didn't stay silent, shedidn't stay down.
She found her voice again, andin the most unexpected of places

(02:04):
.
Again, and in the mostunexpected of places meditating
in her backyard, reconnectingwith nature, talking to the
birds, literally and slowlyputting herself back together,
piece by piece.
You're also going to hear ustalk about what healing really
looks like after trauma and howmany of us mistake doing for

(02:26):
healing.
We touch on core values, themother wound, and how reclaiming
your power sometimes juststarts with getting angry enough
to act.
This is the kind of episodethat you'll want to sit with
afterwards.
This is the kind of episodethat you'll want to sit with
afterwards, maybe even rewind acouple of times and perhaps even

(02:49):
cry with us.
So if you've ever questionedwhether you were broken beyond
repair, Farrah's story is proofthat you are not.

Speaker 2 (03:33):
After you know, I got that apartment.
Six months later I met mydaughter's father and then we
entered the realm of BDSM,master and slave, poly
relationships and it wasn't justcontrolling me, it was we was
controlling.
You know, at one time, four,four women, um, three of us,
sister wives moved into the hometogether with him, um, but I

(03:54):
was in that relationship foreight years, so it was literally
until I was 34 years old, untilI was 34 years old.

(04:15):
And can you explain the BDSMand sister wives for anyone who
may not know?

Speaker 1 (04:23):
So BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, sadism
masochism.

Speaker 2 (04:24):
It's its own subculture and it got really
popular with Fifty Shades ofGrey.
That's how I was introduced.
I'm also someone I'm a bit of atraditionalist and just how I
was raised and how I've beentaught, how we've all been
socialized, whatnot I feel verysafe when I'm with someone I

(04:44):
feel safe with.
I mean, I think that's verynatural for a woman to feel that
way with a man right that shehas deemed safe.
So there is a natural feminine,nurturing, submissive side to
me when I know I feel safe.
You know what I mean.
Um, so I was really wanting totap into that energy as a

(05:06):
submissive and I was wanting toexplore and I was being very
careful I was I didn't even meetanyone face to face, you know,
just having conversations, kindof exploring on this one website
, exploring on this one website,and boom, I get a message from

(05:27):
who's now my daughter's fatherand he's very charismatic, he's
very smart, intelligent, he, youknow, he mirrors really well,

(05:54):
so he'll listen to everythingthat you talk about and you like
, and because he's well versedand he is very intelligent, he's
absolutely able to hold theconversation and questioning God
, you know, and more talkingabout the universe.
You know well, we don't.
I don't know if God is a realthing, but I do respect the
universe and I do know that, youknow, everything that comes

(06:16):
from the earth returns to theearth and speaking all these
beautiful things, and I'm like,oh, you're right, I don't know.
Is there a God?
Ooh, ah, you're right, I don'tknow, is there a God?
But with that he introduces me,because I was already kind of
exploring the BDSM and mysubmissive side and me wanting
to, you know, give up somecontrol, whether it was sexually

(06:37):
or whether it was domestically.
I was still doing my kind ofresearch as far as what I wanted
to do.
And you know, he came in and hewas already in relationships
with three other women at thattime and very arrogant, and I
remember the first three timesI'm like God, this guy is

(06:58):
arrogant, I'm going to talk tohim but I don't think it's going
to get very far because I justI can't take this.
But he had a way of sheddingthis confidence.
So I was like, oh, he's notarrogant, he's just really,
really confident and he's notdoing this for himself, he's
actually doing this for thebetterment of those women that
he's in relationships with.
But he had a way of coming inand saying well, you know, if

(07:22):
you don't want to do it this way, when you, then you really
don't want to serve and me beingwho I am, I'm like wait a
minute.
No, you don't, you can't tellme what I want.
Actually, I want to do thatRight.
And so he knew exactly what tosay to, because at first I was
like, yeah, I don't know if Iwant a guy to control my every
move.
He was like, ok, I don't knowif I want a guy to control my

(07:42):
every move.
He was like, ok, that's fine.
But then you really don't wantto be a submissive and you
really don't want to serve Allmy women, serve me.
And by the end of that I waslike Dizzy and confused, but
also feeling very attracted tothis person.

(08:08):
And he had a way of speaking andcreating space for me to feel
safe, understanding.
And it was actually reallyinteresting because one of the
first times I was on the phonewith him, my ex showed up.
My son's father showed up atthe door, was ringing my
doorbell like crazy, was sittingoutside the house and he was
like, oh, don't worry, I'll stayon the phone with you.

(08:30):
We'll wait until he leaves.
I'm going to make sure you'resafe.
Don't worry.
If he tries anything, I'lldirect you what to do.
I'll make sure you have theright conversations with the
right people.
And he did.
He guided me to get a muchneeded restraining order against

(08:51):
my son's father who hadthreatened my life at the time.
He was so enraged that I wasleaving him and I was being
serious about it that he wentand left a really bad voicemail
and I called the police, hadthem come down and I'm like,
listen, he just threatened mylife and it was like that I was
able to get that restrainingorder on him.

Speaker 1 (09:17):
Okay, this is something that I'm hearing a lot
in my interviews lately the waythat abusers position
themselves as the hero, as theprotector, and if their abuse is
something like actually somekind of gift to you.
Farrah's ex helped her get arestraining order against her
previous abuser and at firstglance that feels like safety,

(09:38):
right, it feels like love, itfeels like care, like maybe this
time it's different, but thatis exactly how they set the trap
.
And for me, my ex used to saythings like I treat you like
this to toughen you up, you'retoo sensitive.

(10:02):
Like he was doing me some sortof fucking favor, and I don't
know if it's the God complex orif it's something deeper, but I
do know this they make you feelsafe on purpose so that when the

(10:23):
abuse comes later, you questionyourself instead of them.
And that's so fucked, becausethe very person who once helped
you feel safe now becomes theone you fear the most.

Speaker 2 (10:47):
And within six months I moved from Connecticut to
Florida and I was here and itwas interesting because my mom,
she saw the signs and because ofjust the long With your
daughter's father is in Floridaand because of just with your,
daughter's father is in Florida.

(11:07):
Ok, yeah, he was in Florida.
I was living in Connecticut, ok,and my mom saw the signs and
she was really worried and sheeven planned like this
intervention for all the ladiesin my life to like try to stop
me from moving to Florida,because she was like my
daughter's joining a cult and Idon't want her to go.
And she called it from the very, very, very beginning and she

(11:29):
knew, and because of my owntrust issues and our history and
things that we went through,I'm like why I'm looking at he
went and he got us a house.
I'm going to have sisters andI'm going to have these
beautiful women that I'm goingto be sister wives with these,
to have these beautiful womenthat I'm going to, you know, be
sister wives with.
These were the other women hewas in relationships with and at

(11:50):
that time I already had startedtalking to them and building
connections and relationshipsand I'm personally I'm bisexual.
So to me I'm like, wow, I'lleven get to explore this side of
my sexuality, which I've neverexplored before, under his
tutelage and I'll have thisopportunity to explore.

Speaker 1 (12:11):
Had any of those women ever said anything that
made you think like, oh, this isa red flag, maybe they're not
healthy as well?

Speaker 2 (12:22):
No, and it's sad because the woman that I am
through the relationship Iactually started to look at my
one sister wife when she startedto be a little bit honest with
me about how she was feelingfrom the beginning and I
realized I was like, oh, younever wanted this.
Like me, I, I, I I wasn'tlooking for a polyamorous

(12:49):
relationship, but the idea beingintroduced to me I'm like,
actually I love women, I lovesisterhood, bring them on.
Like I have a greatrelationship with my sisters.
She never wanted to have sisterwives.
She was making that decisionbecause she wanted to be in

(13:10):
relationship with him and, ofcourse, the manipulation and
control that he had over her bythat time.
And so I almost felt betrayedin a way, to say I wish you were
honest about this from thebeginning, because that would
have been my red flags to say,yeah, this is not what I'm
choosing right now.
But I didn't find that outuntil really until I started

(13:33):
paying attention one, topatterns, started asking the
right questions, and this wasnow year six and seven, like we
already have kids and things inthe relationship.
And this is when I'm realizingyou didn't want this at all, you
know.
And he never stopped what I callrecruitment.
He was always still looking tohave more wives because there

(13:57):
became a time where one of oursister wives decided to leave
and it was then just the two ofus and he was still putting
himself in the market and tryingto bring on two more wives.
And he accused me of sabotageat one point.
Because I mean, again, I'm notgoing to lie.

(14:17):
I'm not going to lie If someoneis asking me okay, how was the
house?
Do you all go?
Do this?
Like what is it?
I'm going to be honest.
And he really accused me onetime are you sabotaging?
What's going on?
Because I'm going to have morewives and you can't stop this
and I'm like we need just tohave a really solid foundation
If we're going to add morepeople into the family.

(14:38):
That is like my boundary solidfoundation.
I don't mind, I mean, we'repoly already.

Speaker 1 (14:43):
The thing that I kept thinking about while listening
back to this episode was isthere a female version of this?
Like imagine if the rules wereactually reversed.
Like we women could havemultiple husbands living in a
house together, sharing choresand emotions and rotating nights

(15:05):
oh my gosh, men do this andthey get to call themselves
kings, while constantlyrecruiting other women, like
it's just a job on Craigslist.
And the wildest part about allof this for me, I think the part

(15:27):
that like stuck out the mostthat I was like, isn't it ironic
?
Um, the second that farrahstarted telling her truth, he
labeled it as sabotage.
Why does that honestly, likealways feel like a threat to
people who benefit from yoursilence?

Speaker 2 (15:47):
more wives, we have more help around the house.
I don't mind, like it's notthat I mind.
I'm not trying to stop you fromdoing your thing, but it needs
to be healthy.
You're not going to blow up ourlives because you are.
There's many people that areimpacted by these decisions, and
so I would not fall in line andI would not play that role of

(16:09):
everything is perfect.
And yeah, come on right, comeright on in.
And we had bought a house and Ibasically called him on his
crap and I'm like, oh, so you'regoing to buy another house in
town and move two more womenthere and you think you're going

(16:29):
to between, be between, twohouses.
I was like, try me, go ahead,try me.
And this is not very submissive, so you can imagine the anger
that he had, that I was incitingin him by just speaking my
voice, that he had that I wasinciting in him by just speaking
my voice.
So instead he tried to kick myson out of the house to make

(16:50):
more room, and my son didn'teven graduate high school yet.
And so I'm like, absolutely not, this is when I draw the line,
and that's when I decided it wastime for me to go.
And you know, when he tried tohave this narrative, that he's
not pulling his weight and I'mlike he hasn't even graduated
high school.
What do you expect him to doright now?

(17:11):
Right, he's actually not, hejust turned 18.
But he actually is running hisown business and he's working
part time at the Y.
What, what, what?
You're not going to mess withmy son, no, and after that, went
on to adopt him after I leftthat home.
So, him and my son, because hewas in my son's life since he

(17:35):
was 11 years old, right, 10years old.
So you know, even after thatsituation and after I left the
home, my son still lived thereand he ended up going on to
adopt, legally adopting myoldest, our son, and so did they

(17:55):
have a good relationship, likeyour son wanted to be around.
No, not anymore, because, as youknow, a narcissist will always
discard when they no longer have, you know, or they can't
control you or the narrative.
But last year, when we weregoing through the custody
situation, my son basically wentto him and is like, yeah, I

(18:18):
know that you have this custodything going on, but Tyra needs
you now, like my sister needsyou now.
So I don't know what you'rewaiting for, but mom needs help
and your daughter needs you andI just don't understand why you
can't have more of a presence inTyra's life and spend more time
with her.
And he basically told himyou're not going to be in here

(18:39):
talking that.
You know, talking that stuffthat your mother talks.
Get out of my house.
You're going to see when I getmy 50-50, you and your mother
are going to see, yada, yada,yada.
So he wasn't very happy that myson was questioning him, was
holding him accountable, youknow, was saying that you need

(18:59):
to spend time with your daughter.
Like who is he to tell him that?
Right?
So at that time, you know, lastyear, he kicked my son out of
his house and they really don'ttalk anymore.
And that's because, again, whenyou hold people accountable and
they don't want to be heldaccountable, then they do the

(19:20):
manual discard.
And it didn't feel good for myson because a few months later
he moved in his new wife and hishis, his new wife had a son
that was literally the same ageas my son and you know they
connected and had a goodrelationship when he first
started seeing this woman.

(19:41):
But you know he did express tome it kind of felt like he was
being replaced.
He was like it just kind offeels like he was replacing us.
You know, and in so many terms,to my own face.
For years he threatened oh,I'll shut down this family and
I'll do this all again.
I'll show the both of you hewas talking to me and my sister

(20:02):
wife at the time I'll show theboth of you, I'll start this
whole family over.

Speaker 1 (20:15):
So there was a lot of mental, emotional abuse that
went around in that household.

Speaker 2 (20:29):
I think you had mentioned that mental, emotional
, psychological piece was by farthe the worst and worst.
Yeah, and that relationship Ididn't realize.
Again, it took me, it took me alot to realize.
Um, because this is the thingwith my parents, with my, with
my dad.
I never trusted him.
I knew not to trust him.
I knew what he was doing.
Right With my son's father.

(20:49):
It wasn't very long into therelationship.
He was cheating on me and doingthings and I didn't trust him.
I dealt with him, I individual,not only did I trust, I put all
my eggs in this basket.

Speaker 1 (21:12):
Okay, textbook.
I mean, are we even surprised?
Abusers?
Oh, they need confusion likethey need air, and it keeps you
second guessing so you don't seethe manipulation, until one day
you're standing there in themiddle of the chaos, in the

(21:32):
middle of the wreckage,wondering how you got there, and
then the discard, always thediscard.
The moment that you startshowing signs of clarity or
calling out the bullshit, theytoss you like you were never

(21:53):
enough.
And the part that broke me iswhen she said I trusted him, I
put all of my eggs in thisbasket.
Same girl, same.
You don't just mourn therelationship, you mourn the

(22:19):
version of yourself thatbelieved in it, of yourself that
believed in it.
And that's the kind of griefthat doesn't come with a funeral
.

Speaker 2 (22:33):
My family stopped talking to me.
My mom decided to support my exin a custody battle, trying to
get my son away from me here inFlorida.
Even though my son wasn't goingthrough any abuse, they were
going to say whatever they couldto get him out of Florida and

(22:54):
back to.
Connecticut because they knew Iwould be, I would follow.
I'm not going to, you know whatI mean.
So they're like we've got toget her out from safety, and
this is what my mom's thoughtswere.
We've got to get my daughterout from safety by any means
necessary.
And that I can forgive, you know, and in so many ways he tricked

(23:15):
me to think that my mom was thenarcissist, was the controlling
one.
When were her tactics the best?
Maybe not, because if mydaughter was joining a cult, I'd
slide her a card and say listen, don't let them see this.
When you need to get out, thisis what you got.
And I would do my personal bestto make sure I had a
relationship with her and him,because I could see it for what

(23:38):
it is.
I wouldn't want to do anythingthat would make him want to cut
me off because I want to makesure I'm there for my daughter.
That's how I would approach it.
Right, that's not herunderstanding of life and I
understand that.
But with him, I trusted him.
So for that trust to then bebetrayed that he had this way of

(24:06):
just and it was gaslighting forsure.
But if you told him, yeah, thatthat's dark blue, is it dark
blue?
It looks more like a navy blueto me.
It could be so simple.
It could be about something onTV.
It could be about something onTV.
And if I have an opinion, he'sgot a some way.

(24:28):
It's.
I'm being too bright, I'mshowing my intelligence, or
whatever it was, he would comeand chop you down and it was
very much normalized.
And what do you mean?
We're just having aconversation, yes, like, why are
you even getting upset?
Right?
I remember we were watching.

(24:48):
We were watching like Love andHip Hop or something, and he was
going through the academy atthat time and he was big on law
and order and I remember, youknow, we were like, okay, but
just because the law now, mindyou, we're African, we're Black,
but just because the law now,mind you, we're African, we're
black, we know, just because thelaw is a certain way, don't

(25:09):
make it right.
There's the letter of the law,the spirit of the law, but just
because the law is a certain way, it doesn't make it right.
So he was on this big law andorder and law, the law will
always prevail.
And me and my sister wife arelooking at him like, okay,
number one, you're crazy,because you yourself have had

(25:29):
belief systems that havesupported what we're saying.

Speaker 1 (25:32):
Yes, and then he just switches up on you.

Speaker 2 (25:36):
The law will always prevail and the both of you are
idiots if you think anythingdifferent.
If you think anything different, we're just like who is this
person?
I always thought that theAcademy changed him, but it just
gave him more permission to bewho he was.

Speaker 1 (25:54):
It fueled him?
Yeah, because when you'retalking about him, just trying
to, I guess, dig in your brainand manipulate you with the oh
that's dark, that's midnightblue, oh no, that's navy.
That to me sounds so much likejust an energy vampire.

(26:18):
They just want to suck it fromyou.
You can never be right.
Let me manipulate thissituation.
Let me pull whatever that is itfrom you.
You can never be right.
Let me manipulate thissituation.
Let me pull whatever that isout of you.
I see it, it's good and I needit.
That's what that feels like tome, that's exactly right.

Speaker 2 (26:37):
And that's exactly how it was.
And I remember one time Idecided to go and meditate in in
his room, like there was amaster suite, and because we had
children and we had thechildren's room, so and you know
, if there were two wives, so wewould switch out who would be,
you know, um sleeping in thebedroom at that time, um, it was

(26:58):
basically like his room and wehad our room with the children
Right.
It was basically like his roomand we had our room with the
children Right, and so we weregoing through like a really bad
hardship at the time and I wasreally deep into practicing my
spirituality, which he alwaysmade fun of.
He always like, oh, what areyou doing now?

(27:19):
Your woo, woo stuff.
But I went to his room.

Speaker 1 (27:25):
That's what he was talking about in the beginning,
Like when you guys got togetherhe would be like the universe.
Okay, I just had to point thatout, Cause I'm like why?
Why is he switching up again?

Speaker 2 (27:34):
I'm telling you just so that way you wouldn't have
solid footing, you would.
He just never.
He never wanted you to be onsolid footing or feel any
confidence or remotely feel goodabout yourself.
If you felt good about yourselfwhen it was rooted in him like,
oh daddy, look what I did foryou and you felt good about
yourself about that, oh, thatwas very acceptable.

(27:56):
But independently, to feel goodabout yourself and find some
type of satisfaction in anythingrooted outside of him, he was
going to find a way to chop itdown.
But what you said about beingan energy vampire, I was
meditating in his room and Iremember just seeing this cloud,

(28:16):
this black cloud In yourmeditation, Laying in the place
of where he would usually lay,Like if he's laying in the bed
watching TV or something there's.
A black cloud was on that sideof the bed and I was just like,
oh so there's nothing I could doabout this.

(28:37):
This is a him thing.
I said okay, and I told that.
I remember telling that cloudvery, very, very specifically
you do not have access to me,you do not have access to my
children and you are not toleave this room.

Speaker 1 (29:02):
And that was actually probably the start out of a lot
of.
It was like your canon event,that kind of woke you up.
You know what I picture whenyou say that Hocus Pocus, when
they start to the witches startto suck out of Emily.
Oh seriously, that's what.

Speaker 2 (29:15):
I see, yes, yes, and it was very and it's very much
like that, and it's honestly.
You say that, because when Isee this, when I see him now, he
looks aged.
He looks aged.
I'm like, and, mind you, I lookyounger.

Speaker 1 (29:35):
Yeah, I look great.

Speaker 2 (29:39):
I look amazing, but every time I see him I don't
feel bad.
But I almost want to feel badBecause at the end of the day, I
still shared love with thisperson.
I can't even look at myself inthe mirror to say I don't love
this man.
He's hurt me in terrible,terrible, terrible ways.

(30:02):
But we shared.
We did.
There was a time that I lovedhim and I can still honestly say
that I just.
That part just doesn't geterased from me.
It doesn't.
So when I even see him now, Ialmost feel bad.

Speaker 1 (30:22):
I want to repeat something that my dad told me
one of the many times I tried toleave my abuser, and it's
something that just cracked mewide open.
I remember he and I were in thegarage.
I had moved home to a differentstate trying to get away from

(30:42):
him and that relationship, and Iwas so upset going through all
my things, going through allthese boxes, that I just started
throwing stuff all over thegarage.
And my dad, he, comes outsideand I'm sobbing and he stands me
up and he holds me and he looksat me and he said Liss, he will

(31:03):
always claim a piece of yourheart and that's okay, but you
will go on to love other people,other places and other moments
in life that will fill in therest of your heart.
He owns just a piece, but hewill never make you whole, so

(31:31):
let go and make room for what'sgood to come next.

Speaker 2 (31:37):
And then I remember and I'm like see, but we all
create our own situations here.
So I can't feel bad for whatyou're creating for yourself,
but, yeah, so I feel like theyouthful energy that was there,
that was feeding something inhim, is no longer there.
It's no longer there and it'sevident to see experience in

(32:12):
this last year and even in thislast six months, three months,
two months I can't even tell youwhen I actually started.
I can go back and look at myjournal, I'm sure, but seeing
myself as whole, seeing myselfas full, yes, I went through
these very, very, very toughthings in life.
I went through these very, very, very tough things in life, but

(32:32):
that I'm not those things.
When you talk about Carlita.
It's very to what I think aboutmy relationship with my mom,

(32:59):
not even my actual relationshipwith my mom, because if you were
to have a conversation with mymom now, she would tell you how
proud she is, how much she lovesme, how much she's just so
absolutely amazed that I'veaccomplished the things that
I've accomplished, that I'mstill going.
But if you asked me what Ithought about my relationship

(33:23):
with my mom, I would have toldyou I've always let her down.
I've always chose relationshipsthat hurt our relationship, and
she probably doesn't forgive mefor that.
I would tell you that, since achild, I've always felt like
there wasn't a bond or aconnection between us.

(33:44):
But there's something calledthe mother wound, and it really
doesn't have to do with yourmother, but how we shape our
experiences, trying to reach anexpectation that we form as a
child.
Yeah, and I can't be trying tomeet the expectations of what

(34:06):
little girl Farrah thought hermom wanted.
Yeah, what about what Farrahwants?
What about the life that I want?
Because I can always look at itthrough another person's lens
to say, oh, I would have wantedFarrah to do this, or
da-da-da-da, right.
And there's an aspect of, yes,you want to make your mom proud
and you want to have a goodrelationship, but that's not the

(34:31):
only lens for my life, and Ineed to look at myself through
my lens, and that was huge forme, because then I'm like oh, I
started giving myself even morepermission to be myself and it's
like, okay, yeah, you had tostop creating content for a
while.
It's not a big deal.
Instagram is still there, likeno one is like mad at you

(34:54):
because you're not makingcontent anymore.
But that was something I waslike oh yeah.
And then I started looking backat my content and I'm like,
damn girl, you were doing good,really good.
Like why were you even tellingyourself you weren't good enough
, you know?
But it really was telling thatvoice, like I know where you

(35:16):
come from.
I know where you come from and Iunderstand why you're there,
but it's okay to come home Likeit's okay.
And still, sometimes, like theother day I was looking for
something I'm like who'sbullying me in my house?
I'm like, wait, farrah, no, whyare you thinking like that?
That's not the way to thinkabout things.

(35:38):
Like, why would you even askyourself that?
But I had to say it out loudand you know that was the little
girl Farrah, probably likewho's bullying me, right.
But in your mind, if you don'tcatch those things, that thought
is creating something.
It is A belief, yeah, a belief,yeah, and it's supporting and

(36:00):
that's the thing.
It's supporting a belief ofsome underlying belief.
That has to.
We all have core values andlike cardinal values that, for
whatever reason, based on ourexperiences, mean so much to us.
So you can imagine loyalty,respect, integrity, safety and

(36:22):
security are my five cardinalvalues and, based on this
conversation, you probably cansee why.
So when I'm having a thoughtlike that, it's easier now to
put it okay, that's just yourbelief in this and that's not
what's actually happening here.

(36:42):
Right, you're having thatthought because your belief in,
maybe, loyalty is beingchallenged right now.
So let's find God in thissituation.
Let's look for the truth.

Speaker 1 (36:54):
How did you come up with your core values.
How were you able?
To identify them.

Speaker 2 (37:01):
So community is so important.
I found a community of women,two other women, and it was that
friend that I, that I spokeabout.
Her name is Maria, that friendthat I spoke about in the very
beginning.
That kind of was like girl, areyou sure?
Um, she, hey, maria girl girl,um, but she held space and she

(37:30):
started having like just weeklylike she called them, I think
the essential woman's circle,and we started digging into

(37:51):
books like Narcissist Nightmareand we started digging into
things like Emotional Alchemyand you Can Heal your Life by
Louise Hay, and we startedreading these things together
and talking about them andtalking about our experiences.
And she went through a courseand I don't know why the course
is escaping my mind right nowEnlighten Up your Day.

(38:11):
It's called Enlighten Up yourDay and there is a chapter that
Brian has on cardinal values andhe just has its workbook format
and it's just a list of values,it's a whole list and you kind
of go through the list and youkind of just check off the ones
that jump out and mean somethingto you and then he kind of

(38:33):
takes you through this workbookformat of identifying why those
things mean something to you.
And then I started keeping whatyou call a mood log.
So if I was experiencing anemotion I would write it down
and I would write down.
You know why.
You know I'm experiencingextreme anger and frustration

(38:56):
because my son won't listen tome.
Or I remember one that actuallywent through.
I was very angry that mydaughter was screaming at me.
I remember, I write it down I'mvery angry.
My daughter is screaming at me,left it alone, came back to it.
Okay, well, why?
Why are you angry about this?
Well, because I believe thatkids are not supposed to scream

(39:19):
at their parents.
That's how I was raised.
Oh well, honey, you were raisedin a very unsafe environment,
so that's why you have thatbelief.
Very unsafe environment, sothat's why you have that belief.
Oh, and actually, the fact thatyou created such a safe space
for your children.
You actually don't believe that, because when they yell at you,

(39:41):
you don't yell at them back,you keep calm and you actually
get to the root of the problemthe bottom of it.
Yeah, so actually you do believethat kids can scream at their
parents because it's all goingto be okay and it's up to the
parent to hold space and tocorrect the behavior.
Oh, okay, and that anger wasjust because my deep seated

(40:07):
belief was not caught up withwhat my present fair was
experiencing and was behaving.
And so we have a way of likeslingshotting ourselves into
situations where we are who wesay we are.
We just have to realize it.
And through us realizing it,then we can reconcile these

(40:29):
emotions and reconcile whatwe're feeling.
And it's not that big of a deal.
And now, when my daughter yellsat me, I'm just like, ok, girl,
let's just take it down a notchand talk about this.

Speaker 1 (40:41):
That is incredible and hard work, but it's such an
unraveling of everything BecauseI think at least for me.
I have CPTSD and before I wasmedicated I tried every holistic
approach possible, um to try tochill out.

(41:04):
Um, yeah, I always had mywindow.
Um, for those listening they'renot going to be able to see.
Maybe like for a visual is likethis big, a couple of inches
right of where things can happen, and I'll be cool and even keel
if anything happens outside ofthat small window of

(41:26):
availability and mental spacethat I have for myself.
I'm all over the place.
I'm either solo or angry, andit's the unraveling.
I don't know if you're familiarwith Sabrina Claudio, the
singer.
She has a song called UnravelMe, and it's just that

(41:50):
unraveling that you have to doto figure out, okay, why am I
doing and reacting the ways thatI'm reacting?
And not only that, butrealizing that it's a two-step
process to not only unravel this, but to understand that, going

(42:12):
back to the beginningconversation that we had, that
it's all about regulating yournervous system as well.

Speaker 2 (42:19):
And I spent so much time and I thank God that
everything happened the way itwas supposed to happen, because
even me being in this house wasabsolute divine timing and was
just absolutely crazy.
But we have a backyard andthere's just lots of trees and

(42:40):
I'm just looking out my window Isee nothing but trees.
It's just beautiful here, justso much nature.
And I remember when I movedhere and I remember crying in my
backyard like I just left and,mind you, we were in a six
bedroom house, pool, u-shapeddriveway, there was so much
nature, all these tall trees.
I had all these birds I wouldgo outside and talk to every day

(43:04):
.
So much support, like therewere cardinals everywhere.
I was seeing cardinals andthat's a very special thing for
me, because anytime I see acardinal, for me it means like
the universe is sending support,or it may be like a family
member that's passed on, that'sjust bringing you some type of
encouragement.
It's always a positive sign andI would see cardinals all the

(43:26):
time when I was there.
And I only see cardinals whenI'm having a harder time in life
, like when things are good.
I always know things are goinggood Cause I'm like, damn, I
haven't seen a cardinal in awhile and I'm like oh, I guess
things have been okay, right, um.
But I remember crying here,like where are the birds?
I don't hear birds here, like Idon't.

(43:51):
I'm so sad.
And a week later I go outsideand not only do I see a cardinal
, but birds are singing and it'sall you hear is the chirping,
chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp,chirp, and I was like, oh my God
, okay, no, fair.

Speaker 1 (44:01):
Because I do distinctly remember having this
conversation, like this part ofthe conversation with Farrah
where she's talking about themother wound, and, like me,
secretly thinking, holy shit,this is probably something that
I too have and I've just neverrealized it.
Oh, that sucks to say out loud,but when she was like I'm

(44:26):
finally choosing to see myselfthrough my own eyes instead of
the expectations that she placedon herself.
That's next level healing.
And then she goes and talksabout her cardinal values.
And if you've never heard ofthem, cardinal values are

(44:46):
basically like yournon-negotiables, they're your
core beliefs that shape yourreactions, your decisions, your
sense of safety.
And for Farrah, she named hersloyalty, respect, integrity,
safety, security.

(45:07):
And if you listen closely, youcould feel how every single one
of her wounds that she's talkingabout, every betrayal, every
red flag, it's bumped up againstone of those five cardinal
values.

(45:30):
And this is why it's so powerful, because when you know your
values, you can rewrite yourshame.
You can catch the thoughts thatare actually not yours to begin
with and then reframe them.
You can sit with yourself andsay, no, this isn't about me

(45:50):
failing.
You can sit with yourself andsay no, this isn't about me
failing.
It's about my value of safetyand it being threatened.
So if you've never done thisbefore, I highly recommend it.
I think I'm going to do it.
We can do it together.
Look up the values list, circlethe ones that hit home for you,
and just start getting curious.

(46:10):
Your values can guide and yourhealing, and they can help you
decode your shame, decode yourstory and give you language for
what's really going on on theinside.

Speaker 2 (46:26):
My backyard.
So many times I would eitherleave a work meeting and this is
before I took my hiatus fromwork I would leave a work
meeting and I would go outsideto the backyard and I would just
put my feet in the grass and myson in the face and I'm just
like fresh air, just heal me,like nature.
And a few times and this isFlorida and no one and I would

(46:46):
not suggest it but a few times,and this is Florida and no one
and I would not suggest it but afew times I've been in my
blanket laying in the grass andI've been the most comfortable
and I've fallen asleep out thereand I wake up like, oh my God,
there might be snakes.

Speaker 1 (47:02):
I was thinking an alligator, but go on Well.

Speaker 2 (47:05):
Thank God we're not.
The marsh is a few miles awaybut is possible, like I have.
I have black bears in myneighborhood.
They just cut down some trees.
I mean we've got raccoons.
I had a turkey in my backyard,the other day like turkeys uh-uh
no me and my daughter else werelooking from the window like,
oh my god, do you see, didsomebody's like bird get loose?

(47:27):
But no, it was a wild turkeyjust walking on through.
Um, but I just felt verysupported around nature, my home
and nature, and I was always ata park with my daughter, always
at the beach, just any point.
I mean, I even went camping andthat's a big deal for me

(47:49):
because I'm not someone, I'm notlike a camper, like I would
rather have an RV or like acabin we call that glamping.

Speaker 1 (47:58):
Thank you, I'm a glamper.

Speaker 2 (48:09):
I'm a glamper, but also like mindfulness and just
meditating and sitting quiet,and sometimes I'm just trying to
focus on my breathing and Iobserve my thoughts, but I send
them away and then sometimes Iwelcome my thoughts and I'm like
, oh, that's interesting, oh,that's interesting.
And you know, sometimes I'mlike, oh, just focus on flowing

(48:31):
water.
Right, and it's never the samemeditation or the same thing.
But I'm taking that time tolike listen to that inner voice,
because you have to trainyourself to hear that inner
voice, because so much of ourlife is experienced in our own
heads that we don't realize theconversation hasn't even

(48:55):
happened yet and you've had it50 ways in your head already.
So I've gotten, and it tookyears and it took a lot of talks
with Maria, that you know.
She reminded me that it's all aprocess and she's not the only
one, right?
My sisters I have a church groupon the weekends that I was

(49:17):
attending.
I'm not attending anymore, butall of these community spaces
were able to just also affirm tome, you know, when I'm having
just maybe that fleeting mightbe a negative thought, they're
like, I don't know, girl, thatdoesn't sound too right, you

(49:39):
know, but it's a process,because the first time I heard
the phrase to learn how to thinkis to learn how to live, I
really didn't understand it.
I'm like, ok, but how do youteach yourself how to think is
to learn how to live?
I really didn't understand it.
I'm like okay, but how do youteach yourself how to think?

Speaker 1 (49:55):
Like we just think, you know, and I really had to
train myself to hear mysubconscious voice, and so the
fact that you can I call thatturning off the noise because
you'll hear it this Friday in mystory where I say one of the

(50:16):
things that helped me leave forgood I don't know where my voice
just went One of the thingsthat helped me leave for good
was I would wake up after hewould go to work.
I would go out and be in natureAfter he would go to work.
I would go out and be in nature, I wouldn't take my phone and I
would spend this time withmyself just walking my dog and

(50:37):
turning out the noise.
I'm not listening to music, I'mnot listening to anything else.
I am listening to myself andwhat I want and what are my
thoughts.
And I think that's so importantbecause you have so much and we
tend to to look for all of theanswers in everybody else and

(50:59):
because we've been trained tonot listen to ourselves.
So you have the answer.
You know the answers to shouldI stay or should I go, and what
does my healing look like for me.
You have all the answers, we do.
You just have to learn how tolisten to it.

Speaker 2 (51:16):
And it's going to be different for everyone.
So we could take someone'sadvice, but is that what we need
?
And if we don't know how toquiet the noise and look inside
ourselves, I hate to say it, butwe're always going to be
putting our healing in somethingelse hoping that that is going

(51:43):
to be the thing.
Relationships jobs, working outhobbies, all of it, all of it
Sometimes, and I thought I wasdoing such a good thing.
I got back into skating and Iwas skating three, four times a
week and I remember that guythat I was seeing.
I remember telling him at onepoint I'm like I know there's
going to be a point in time thatcomes up that I'm going to have

(52:05):
to slow down and I'm going tohave to stop all this, because
at that point I was skating.
Like you know, my son wasliving here, so I had help for
my daughter and every singlepoint, if it was skating from 11
am to2 am or if it was, youknow, a Thursday night adult
skate, or if it was theWednesday night family skating,
it was I was connecting tolittle girl Farrah, but I was

(52:29):
also.
It was a distraction to littlegirl Farrah, but I was also.
It was a distraction Like itwas a part of the.
I can't sit with myself becauseI would go straight from
working.
Okay, it's time to get ready togo skating.
Come on, girl, we got to go dothis.
Or my daughter had gymnastics,or so, being able to hear
ourselves and really giveourselves that permission.

Speaker 1 (52:54):
That's such a beautiful core memory that I'm
sure so many survivors willnever forget.
And it's that moment, thatpoint where you finally slow
down just enough to hear yourown voice again, just enough to

(53:17):
hear your own voice again, andit feels like this very
unfamiliar yet beautiful moment.
I remember sitting on the backdeck after I left it was like
the first year after escapingand I was sharing a bottle of
wine with another single mom whoI was living with at the time
and we had just put our kids tobed and we were listening to
this owl in the tree back behindour house and I remember

(53:40):
looking up from my glass andjust crying and she's like, oh
my God, what is wrong?
And all I could say was I thinkI'm happy.
It was such a simple night, sucha simple moment, but that peace
, that stillness, I hadn't feltthat in so long.

(54:05):
And that's what healing canlook like.
It's going to look differentfor everyone, but sometimes it's
just not always this hugebreakthrough or epiphany.
Breakthrough or epiphanySometimes it's just your feet in
the grass with the sun in yourface, or laying in your backyard
and realizing your body finallyfeels calm and finally feels

(54:27):
safe.

Speaker 2 (54:29):
And we're still on our healing journey.
It's not like we're not on thejourney to healing, right, but
it's when it comes from self andit's self-fulfilled.
I really, truly then feel likewe're then going to give
ourselves permission to be OK,you know, and that's because we
found those answers withinourselves.

(54:49):
And it's not to say thatcommunity is not important,
because I would have not come tothis place without community,
to this place without community.
It's just that when you getmaybe a bright idea of, oh,
maybe I should do this, don't goask this person and that person
and this person, or, if you do,fine, but make sure you're

(55:11):
asking yourself.
Come back to yourself and askyourself.

Speaker 1 (55:13):
And I think it's also important to note too that this
is a trial and error processtoo big time.
Yes, uh, I, I thought for me.
I'm a dancer, I love to dance.
Um, I have taken classes, Ihave gone out with my girls and

(55:35):
when I first left, I was dancingall the time just in my room
and my with my girls.
And when I first left, I wasdancing all the time just in my
room and my with my AirPods.
Like my son and I shared a roomat that time, like he was
sleeping in my closet and youknow I had my AirPods on.
Having like this silent danceparty folding laundry and stuff
at like 2 AM and I felt like Iwas literally just shaking off

(55:56):
everything that I had beenthrough over the past, you know
couple years, and that felt sohealing.
But then it came to a pointwhere it's like, well, am I
dancing and partying becauseit's healing, or am I escaping
something?
Yes, and then so I had to goback to the drawing board and

(56:21):
say, well, what's going to workfor me now?
And at that point I was alsojournaling, and those things
worked for me for a little bit.
And then it started to looklike I stopped dancing and the
thing that I really needed to dowas hiking and running.
And I was, you know, running onthe beach.

(56:42):
I live in Michigan, so adifferent kind of beach from you
, from Florida, but you know,running, you got the cold coming
off the lake.
Yes, but you know, then it wasrunning and then, after a little
while it was, I got really intoplants and gardening and so

(57:05):
it's.
It's a trial and error processand you just have to go through,
listen to yourself and say whatis this thing right now?
Like?
You have to give yourselfpermission to say, okay, what
are the things that bring me joyand what do I need right now.
To say, okay, what are thethings that bring me joy and
what do I need right now, andthen go do those things, because

(57:25):
you know what you need and thebody does keep the score.
So, through whatever you'redoing, through that movement or
whatever it is, that can be aform of meditation and a form of
release.

Speaker 2 (57:37):
Absolutely, absolutely.
Yeah, I, I, I personally can'tagree with you, um, agree with
you more, um, because in so manyways where I was even kind of
beating myself up, like when Iwasn't, I didn't start back
meditating.
Um, initially I was almostlooking at myself like, oh my

(58:00):
gosh, you used to meditate somuch when you were in the
relationship, like what's wrongwith you that you can't just
meditate now.
But at that time it wasn't whatI needed.
And then when I started askingmyself, okay, you know, let's
start meditating, no, no, whatdo I need?

(58:21):
What do you?
What do you need?
Right?
So it's like, okay, I don'tneed to meditate every day,
three times a day.
So what did that look like foryou?
What did you try?
Next, the birds.
And that was meditation for me.
You know what it is.
So I was very used to like,maybe, like more like of a

(58:48):
practice and you know, maybe puton a guided meditation or go
into a meditation with my ownintention.
But sitting with nature becamethe best meditation, you know.
And when I finally was askingmyself, okay, what is that you
need?
It was right there in mybackyard.
I didn't need to go out and getanother yoga mat.
I didn't need anything else.
Yeah, oh, I love that.
Which so many things I, youknow.

(59:08):
I'm like, oh, what materialthing, what book can help me?
What this can help me, it'sthat all that stuff is good,
it's helpful, it's supportive.
But everything we need is Iagree with you is right here and
it's not going to look the same, it's going to be different,
and we have to give ourselvespermission to change our minds.

(59:30):
I think so much of what thatcontrol looked like at one time
was you're not allowed to changeyour mind.
You're this person to me andyou're always going to be this
person to me, so you have tostay in this box and we you're
not allowed to change your mindwhen you're in certain type of
dynamics with abusive people.

(59:51):
So giving ourselves permissionlike actually, yeah, no, I don't
have to do that thing becauseit worked yesterday or three
days ago.
I can do something different,and doing just that is, it's
very, very powerful Learning howto think.

Speaker 1 (01:00:06):
Absolutely.
Learning how to thinkAbsolutely.

Speaker 2 (01:00:09):
Absolutely.

Speaker 1 (01:00:11):
You said at one point in the story that you sent over
to me.
You said I have been through somuch and I really want others
who have experienced DB to knowthat they are, in all capital
letters, not broken.
They were hurt and they canhave a life where they feel safe
, seen and valued.

(01:00:31):
I forgot.

Speaker 2 (01:00:33):
I wrote that I used to really look at myself like I
was damaged, like I'm damagedgoods, like I was broken.
I used to really look at myselflike I was damaged, like I'm
damaged goods, like I was broken.
I used to actually say, oh myGod, like I have a broken heart.
And it's interesting because asa child I was diagnosed with a
heart murmur.
That was absolutely benign.
I just have an extra beat.

(01:00:54):
And even now when they listento me, they're like have you
ever been diagnosed with amurmur?
Yes, we know all about it.
It's benign, it's fine.
I don't have any congenitalheart problems, thank God, thank
God.
But I would, in some ways, Iwould look at it like oh my God,
is that proof that I actuallyhad a broken heart as a kid?
And it's like girl, you've gotto be careful how you talk to

(01:01:28):
yourself, because you will nowbe manifesting something else
just in how you see yourself.
But we were.
There's a difference ofexperiencing hurt and actually
seeing yourself as broken,because so much in this healing
is to see ourselves whole,because that are the areas where
someone is able to manipulateus.
They will find those areas andthey will identify where you

(01:01:49):
don't feel whole and they'll useit against you.
So if we're in the place thatno one, and no matter what you
think of me, you're not going tomake me feel less than You're
not going to make me feelsmaller.
You're not going to make mefeel like I'm missing something.
Everything that I need in lifeis right here.
You didn't.
And then imagine their facewhen they realize they didn't

(01:02:13):
break you.

Speaker 1 (01:02:13):
Damn girl, damn girl, get it.
Imagine their face when theyrealize they didn't break you.
This moment is everything,because she's talking about not
just reclaiming her mind, herpeace, her body, her voice.

(01:02:35):
She's talking about doing it onher own terms, and I know
someone needs to hear this toothis part right here where she
says you're not broken.
You're not broken.
You were hurt, but you're stillhere and that wholeness that

(01:03:00):
Farrah is describing, thatalready lives inside of you.
I just had to sit in that for amoment.
No, seriously, I did, becauseyou do spend so much of your
time telling yourself thatyou're broken, because you do
spend so much of your timetelling yourself that you're
broken, and that was somethingthat someone who is very close

(01:03:24):
to me battled with, alwayssaying that they were broken.
And one of the things that Isaid to them is like you've got
to stop.
You've got to stop tellingyourself that because you're not
broken and the most beautifulpart about this you're not
broken.
And the most beautiful partabout this you're not broken.
Your pieces are just, they're alittle bit rearranged, but the

(01:03:48):
opportunity that you have now isyou get to take those pieces
and you get to rearrange theminto the places where you want
them.
Somebody else took them andmoved them around, but now you
get to take them and you get toput them exactly where you want
them and you can leave somepieces out if you don't want
them to come with you anymore.

Speaker 2 (01:04:08):
That's right.

Speaker 1 (01:04:10):
So you have an opportunity.
Just like I said in the verybeginning, we were all born with
a clean slate.
That's how I like to reframethis in my brain.
Thank you.
Thank you for doing what you didbecause now you released me
because I can make you thevillain of my story, because you
were Right, and now you havegiven me a clean slate to say

(01:04:33):
you know what I was searchingfor, that person that I was
before I walked into thisrelationship with you.
And the reason that I couldn'tfind her is because she doesn't
exist anymore, not because shenecessarily died, but because
she's just better and she hasmore pieces to add.

(01:04:54):
But she didn't know thatbecause you never let her see
that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:05:03):
Yeah, I have to agree with you and you know, I think
in some, in some ways, it'spurposely meant to fragment
ourselves heard in a podcastthat I was listening to, um,

(01:05:26):
that if we felt as if we lost apiece of ourself in a
relationship, a guy was veryclear.
He was like I'm gonna need youto go get it back.
He was like so if you think, ifyou left your confidence, I'm
gonna need you to go get it back.
We need that Right, Um, butit's also, you know, I it, it,
it spoke it really Cause, cause,cause.
Then I thought about it.
I'm like wait, you don't get tokeep that part of me, you don't

(01:05:48):
get, you don't get, no, youdon't actually.
Now I'm really concerned.
I tried to leave that behind.
No, no, no.

Speaker 1 (01:05:56):
That piece is way too great for you to keep.

Speaker 2 (01:05:58):
We were not deserving of that.
Absolutely.
So there are certain ways.
If we do see ourselves asbroken or not full or not whole,
we should explore that and weshould explore what that means
to us, because maybe there is apiece that we've left with that
situation that we have to goback and pick up, left with that

(01:06:21):
situation that we have to goback and pick up.
But if we carry it with us and,like you say, rearrange it and
we are the creators of our ownlives so we absolutely have the
power to say, no, I want youthere, I want this here, I want
this here.
We have that autonomy, we havethat permission.
God gave us that right, it's ourright.
And once we start taking thatactive responsibility and saying

(01:06:43):
, no, this is my right to a goodand happy life, a full life,
you'll feel more powerful insaying, yeah, you don't get to
keep that, take it back, youknow and take it back, you know
and see ourselves as whole.
But I think that's huge for meand if I could have anyone

(01:07:07):
that's listening to this takethat piece with them, that would
be the biggest thing.
We are not broken, we're notdamaged in no way.

Speaker 1 (01:07:25):
God won't have that.

Speaker 2 (01:07:37):
Thank you.
I think I needed to hear thatSuperpowers, girl, we have
superpowers.
We have superpowers.
We truly do.
I have to thank you so, so muchfor holding this space.
Oh my gosh, I didn't know whatthis was gonna look like or feel

(01:07:57):
like or what this was gonna be,but know what this was going to
look like or feel like or whatthis was going to be.
But a lot of what I wanted toaccomplish here was not only
just talking about my story andtelling my story, because for me
, it's a missing piece where Ihave people that I want to

(01:08:20):
connect with, but me holdingback this piece of myself I feel
like is and it could just bemental, right, someone could be
observing me and they feel likethey connect with me, just fine.
But I do feel like, um, youknow, in so much of what we do
on social media and connectingwith others and connecting with
our audience, storytelling is soimportant and this is such a

(01:08:45):
big part of what I experiencedthat getting comfortable telling
this piece of my story willhelp round, you know, just round
it out and make me feel morecomfortable, make me feel more
authentic, and that's all whatit's about.
Right?

Speaker 1 (01:09:04):
It's how I feel, about what I'm doing, and so,
but I don't think that you'realone in that either, because I
understand that so many peoplewho are like you know what
telling my story is such animportant part of my healing.
Telling my story is such animportant part of my healing.

Speaker 2 (01:09:19):
Yeah, it is.
It is Because it's.
I mean, we've learned so muchabout ourselves through these
things.
How could we leave it out, youknow?

Speaker 1 (01:09:33):
pretend that it didn't happen, and I'm not
shaming anyone who decides thatthey don't want to talk about it
, but for so many of us talking,about.
It is our healing Right Becausewe do have permission to do
that too.

Speaker 2 (01:09:41):
Yeah, if it's easier keeping it close to home, then
you know what.
We have permission to do thatfor ourselves, and that is OK.
And I do feel that, for thoseof us who do feel called to

(01:10:02):
share a little bit more, we'regoing to be able to reach people
that may not have had aresource or had a voice or even
felt like, oh my gosh, you knowwhat I mean.
Confused, same thing, yeah,yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:10:16):
Because that's the big thing, is the confusion.
Know what I mean?

Speaker 2 (01:10:18):
Confused this person went through right Same thing.
Yeah, yeah, because that's thebig thing is the confusion.
Abusers need confusion likethey need air, because if things
were clear for us, theywouldn't have the stronghold
that they did.
That's why they isolate you.

Speaker 1 (01:10:35):
Right, yeah, right.
Very true, I feel like I couldtalk to you forever.

Speaker 2 (01:10:41):
I knew that was going to be the case, Lisa.

Speaker 1 (01:10:45):
But I do want to ask you one question and I want to
be clear that the only reasonthat I'm asking you my last
question is because I have to gopick up my son.

Speaker 2 (01:10:56):
Same, no worries, because we'd be on here.

Speaker 1 (01:11:01):
But I ask everyone because I feel like this is such
an important question, becauseI do know that I have listeners
who are listening because theywant to leave and they haven't.
So what is one piece of advicethat you would give to someone

(01:11:23):
who wants to leave?

Speaker 2 (01:11:30):
One piece of advice give yourself time, give
yourself love and give yourselfpermission to get angry.

(01:12:00):
You know um, don't giveyourself too much time because
these are unsafe situations,right, and we can drag out the
leaving right um, but we're notgoing to do something until
we're ready.

Speaker 1 (01:12:18):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:12:28):
But I feel like once we allow ourselves to get a
little enraged about what we'regoing through, what I, what I
learned with anger is anger isvery powerful when it comes to
action.
Yes, if you want to getsomething done, get angry, you
will have no problem.
You know how many timessomething would happen and I
would be sitting on my buttthrough the court case like, oh,
I know, I have to do that thing.
And then he would do that, hewould do something, and all of a

(01:12:52):
sudden I'm at that computer andI just wrote a whole three page
motion Right, like but a lot of, I think, what I went through
in that relationship, which wasinteresting because through that

(01:13:13):
last relationship I actuallywas being gaslit to think that I
had anger management problemsand I actually started seeing a
therapist for my anger and itwas through that.
That was very and I'm prettysure he looks back now like I

(01:13:35):
should have never did that Right, but it was because of that and
because of who I am, becauseI'm not going to just allow you
to sit here and say I have ananger problem.
We're not going to allow that tobe the narrative Farrah is
going to do something about itso through and so that therapist
empowered me.
No, you're allowed to be angry.
Now, what you do with thatanger is very important, right,

(01:13:58):
but it was through that I wasable to take action.
And then, when he made a moveto you know, hurt my, my, my son
is when I'm like, absolutelylines drawn.
We're not doing this, right,but it was.
It was both of those things.
I was really allowing myself tofeel like the injustice of it

(01:14:21):
all and say, no, I won'tdisrespect you with my words,
I'm going to be very careful onhow I act, because that's what
he would use against me when Iwould get angry.
It's like, oh, look at you,you've got a problem now and now
.
The problem is not me and whatI'm doing, the problem is you.
Now and now the problem is notme and what I'm doing, the
problem is you.

(01:14:41):
So I was very careful on how Iacted, but I made sure it fueled
, it did it, had no choicebecause it would have spiraled
out into something unhealthy andI was very hell bent on not
doing that.
So I think anger is veryimportant.
I know that's something thatyou talk about allowing people
to get angry but I think it'sjust so powerful.

(01:15:02):
But first we have to giveourselves permission, and so at
first we're not going to even beready to feel the anger yet
Just keep telling yourself it'sokay to be angry, because what
is happening to you is not okay,it's not, and it never was, and
it never will be it, never was,will be.

(01:15:32):
We could never over explainthese things to be okay, never,
ever.
So it's a process.
So that's why I said giveyourself time, give yourself
love, but give yourselfpermission to get angry,
absolutely.
Yeah, that's my advice.

Speaker 1 (01:15:42):
Thank you so much Thank you.

Speaker 2 (01:15:46):
I thank you.

Speaker 1 (01:15:47):
Gosh, I cannot wait to share you and your story.
It's gonna be great.

Speaker 2 (01:15:52):
I just want to thank you, because when you said
golden girls yesterday, I waslike, oh, I know tomorrow's
gonna be be just fine, becausethat's what I love and that's
something he would also make funof me too, because I love
watching the Golden Girls andthe Twilight Zone and these are
my favorite shows, and so I'mliterally I'm going to get
takeout and I'm going to comehome and I'm watching the Golden

(01:16:16):
Girls for the rest of theevening.

Speaker 1 (01:16:18):
I love this.
This will be me and my babygirl.

Speaker 2 (01:16:20):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I appreciate you and I thank you
so much for holding space andfor allowing me the opportunity
to share my story.
It was your, it's your friend,the reason why I came in contact
with your page, the the.
What is her page name?

(01:16:41):
The NARC Survivor Advocate.

Speaker 1 (01:16:45):
Alex is my best friend.

Speaker 2 (01:16:47):
I had a conversation with her and she helped me prep
for my.
I wasn't able to hire herservices to help me do the whole
entire prep, but we had, likethe initial call and she gave me
a strategy for court and it wasvery, very helpful.
And she is just, she'sbeautiful, she's, she's a genius

(01:17:08):
oh my gosh, she really is.
So you have the bomb, bestfriend.
I know you both are like apowerhouse.

Speaker 1 (01:17:16):
I'm gonna tell her that you said that too, because
she also struggles with impostersyndrome, so she needs to hear
that as well.

Speaker 2 (01:17:24):
It's a real thing, but we'll you know and I think
that's some of the work too isworking on seeing ourselves also
through the lens of otherpeople, because we're doing way
better than we think we are andthere is someone out there
that's looking like oh, I wish Icould do that.
So it's really amazing.
You know that.

Speaker 1 (01:17:44):
Alex is in Orlando.

Speaker 2 (01:17:47):
I thought she was in Jacksonville.
I didn't know.
She was in Orlando.

Speaker 1 (01:17:51):
She's in Orlando, yes , and that's 40 minutes away
from me.

Speaker 2 (01:17:55):
I skate in Orlando all the time.
I don't think you understand.

Speaker 1 (01:17:59):
Like I at least go down to visit her once a year.
Next time we should all gettogether.
We should.

Speaker 2 (01:18:08):
Oh my goodness, I'm actually going to reach out to
her, like I know you don't knowme and this might be weird, but
no, I think she would love that.

Speaker 1 (01:18:16):
She would love that.
You need to reach out to her,finding your anger and using it
as inspired action.
Hell yes, hell yes.
Because here's the thing Angeris not the villain, it is the
doorway into clarity, becausefor so many of us, it's the only

(01:18:40):
emotion that finally cutsthrough all of the confusion,
all the gaslighting, all theguilt, all the shame, all the
bullshit.
It's the voice that says enough, I'm done, I'm ready to walk
away forever.
I'm done, I'm ready to walkaway forever.
And when you channel that anger, this is when your story

(01:19:06):
changes.
That's when exits happen.
Farrah didn't just walk away.
She walked home to herself, toher own voice, to her joy.

(01:19:35):
And this closing part we're notbroken, we are whole.
We have superpowers.
As domestic violence survivorsand even victims, I want you to
know hear me now we are not toodamaged to start over.
You're not too far gone, you'renot too late.

(01:19:56):
And when you leave, you arefinally stepping into the
strongest version of yourself,and I know what that feels like.
You're like, I'm so exhausted,I don't want to be strong
anymore.
But I promise you, this kind ofstrength feels completely
different than the strength thatyou need to fight the war that

(01:20:16):
you're in at home.
So make that poster, hang it upon your wall, make it your
phone background, tattoo it onyour fucking body if you need to
Imagine their face when theyrealize they didn't break you,

(01:20:50):
because they didn't and theynever fucking will.
I don't know about you, but I'mwalking away from this

(01:21:10):
conversation with my shoulders alittle straighter, my voice a
little bit louder and my beliefin healing a whole lot deeper.
Farrah girl, thank you forshowing us what it looks like to
rise and to stay soft.
You are proof that we are notbroken.
We are whole.
We're just rearranging thepieces and making art out of the

(01:21:32):
mess.
And if you felt seen in today'sepisode, be sure to check out
the show notes where, sorry, youwill find Farrah's info in the
links to follow her journey.
And also I have to shout out mybestie Alex at Narc Survivor
Advocate on TikTok and onInstagram.
She's the one who introducedFarrah to Dismissed True Stories

(01:21:56):
Sarah, two dismissed truestories and she's been doing
powerhouse work every single dayto help survivors prepare,
protect and reclaim their livesin the family court system.
So if you're not following heralready, go do that.
She's also a survivor, she istrauma-informed and she is a

(01:22:17):
badass Also.
This part is big.
If this episode moved you,please, please.
I have goosebumps asking you todo this because I always feel
so awkward, but please take 60seconds to rate the show five
stars and share it with a friendor on social media.
It's about visibility.

(01:22:39):
It's about helping thesestories find the victims who are
still stuck, who need them.
To find the survivors who arestill on their healing journeys,
who need to hear these storiesand to feel validated in
somebody else's words.
This is the proof that life canbe better right here.

(01:23:04):
So thank you for being here,thank you for listening and
remember the world is a betterplace because you are in it.

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