June 27, 2025 • 72 mins
"You don't need to see the whole path. Just take the next step." -Unknown
"It took me 34 years to feel safe within my home." These words from Farah stopped me in my tracks as we recorded this powerful conversation about survival, recognition, and healing after lifelong abuse.
This episode follows Farah's journey from a childhood marked by severe physical violence through two abusive relationships that left her questioning her worth and identity. With remarkable candor, she shares how she initially failed to recognize her experiences as abuse until a friend asked just the right questions and she began reading about narcissistic relationships. "The floodgates kind of just opened up," she explains, detailing that moment of clarity when she finally saw her past through unclouded eyes.
What makes Farah's story extraordinary isn't just what she survived, but her unwavering spirit through it all. Even as a child facing brutal corporal punishment, she refused to stay silent. Her siblings nicknamed her "Kunta" (from Roots) for her refusal to submit to mistreatment. That same fighting spirit eventually helped her create boundaries, make difficult choices, and finally establish a safe home for herself and her children.
Throughout our conversation, Farah offers profound insights into what healing actually looks like day-to-day. "Healing is a lifestyle," she emphasizes, sharing her practices for nervous system regulation, learning to be still, and checking in with her body after years of disconnection. For anyone who has experienced trauma, her wisdom about giving yourself permission to feel everything – including the uncomfortable emotions – provides a roadmap for authentic recovery.
This episode contains detailed descriptions of physical abuse that may be triggering for some listeners. Please prioritize your wellbeing while listening. Join us next week for part two, where we'll explore Farah's experience in a controlling BDSM and poly relationship with cult-like dynamics, and how she ultimately found her way back to herself.
Follow Farah on Instagram!
@farahsfitnessfactory
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Hello and welcome back to Dismissed Tree Stories.
I've got my coffee, I'm readyto go, because this is my third
time recording my intro, myoutro, my sidebar commentary for
this particular episode.
I don't know what is going onover here.
It's been a little frustratingBunch of computer issues
(00:37):
recently, so wish me luck, butwe're going to jump into it.
This conversation, farrah, Iposted on my social media.
It's literally like 10 secondsin.
I was already crying whilelaying out this episode for the
(00:59):
week.
I'm like holy cow, because Iinterview like months in advance
and sometimes I forget what wetalk about until I actually get
into the conversation and I'mlike holy shit, this is a
powerful one.
A powerful one.
Farrah is a mother, a wellnessentrepreneur, a woman whose
(01:24):
healing journey has taken herfrom childhood trauma, domestic
violence and spiritualmanipulation to self-awareness,
safety and, finally, self-love.
So in the first half of thisconversation, farrah bravely
walks us through all theunraveling, how the floodgates
(01:47):
opened when she realized whatshe has truly lived through.
I mean, we know sometimes ittakes a while after leaving for
you to have that perfect 2020vision or that bird's eye view
of things and to see your livedexperience for what it really
was.
And also trigger warning here.
(02:10):
She does survive some prettyviolent childhood abuse and she
does describe that in greatdetail.
So if that would be triggeringto you, please, please, take
care of yourself.
She also talks about twoseparate abusive relationships
that she was in, and she opensup about the moment that she
(02:33):
stopped seeing her story as afailure and started recognizing
it as triumph.
There are so many times that shegave me cold chills during this
interview, especially whilelistening to it back.
You want to talk about 2020vision.
You're like holy cow, and weboth definitely shared some
(02:54):
tears together during thisinterview.
This episode is about comingback home to yourself.
One choice, one moment and onebreath at a time.
So, wherever you're listeningfrom, take a breath with us,
(03:15):
because you're not alone here.
You're seen, you're heard andyou're believed.
Let's get into Farrah's story.
Are you doing more healing thisallergy season?
Speaker 2 (03:58):
it must be.
It must be.
I definitely need the extrasupport, um, but I forgot what I
was saying before.
To be honest with you, um, no,I think I was talking about the,
the need for community, um, andhow community is something that
(04:28):
I've been searching for.
When I left my last like whatyou would call like a domestic
violence, household situationrelationship, I didn't really
realize in the first like yearwhat I actually went through.
I remember having aconversation with one of my good
(04:56):
friends and she was like, solike what happened with, you
know, tyra's dad?
And I'm like, oh, you know itwas.
It was an interestingrelationship.
It was a relationship where wewere poly.
It was one husband, multiplewives.
You know, we definitely had adifferent type of lifestyle, but
it's good.
Like you know, we broke up, wetalk, we co-parent, everything
(05:16):
is fine.
And she kind of was just likehuh, and knowing some other
things that I had opened up toher about, and she just, you
know, was like that's veryinteresting.
And she's like, and that's it.
And I'm like, yeah, no, that'sit.
You know, there's nothing moreto that.
And it wasn't until I startedreading a book how to Become the
(05:38):
Narcissist's Nightmare and I,yeah, and it was funny because I
was relating it.
I was relating everything to avery short-lived interaction
that I had with the man afterthat relationship.
So I was dating a bit and I waswith him for maybe two months.
But I'm reading things and I'mlike, oh my god, that's how he
(06:00):
was.
And that same friend was likethis doesn't like remind you of
anyone else.
You know what I mean.
Good for her, yeah, and she waslike you know to me she's like
she's like I know you keepbringing it back to your most
recent interaction, but she'slike I think this is more
significant to what you wentthrough with both of your
(06:21):
children's fathers and she'slike I really encourage you to
kind of look there Right.
And then the floodgates kind ofjust opened up.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Isn't that just wild sometimes that we can clearly
see the dysfunction in otherpeople's relationships, but when
it's our own, when that mirroris turned around and reflected
back at us, especially whenwe're in survival mode, it's
like we've got blinders on,we've got tunnel vision.
We cannot see things clearly.
(06:56):
But then someone may come alongin this instance Farrah's
friend and they ask the rightquestions and then it's like
boom, boom, babe.
The floodgates are wide openand all of it just comes rushing
in.
(07:16):
And that's what happened forFarrah.
Her friend wasn't justchallenging her, she was
offering her that mirror to lookinto.
And once Farrah looked into it,she started seeing the truth
more clearly.
Sometimes that's all it takesOne brave person, one hard
(07:36):
question and everything shifts.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
I also at that time was watching a lot of like
investigative shows on likeNetflix and Hulu.
So any show that had to do withlike a cult, that had to do
with a con artist, any type oftheme, investigative theme, you
(08:02):
know a lot of like murder,mysteries and things like that.
Or you know the worst ex, andthings like that.
I just for some reason I justcouldn't get enough of them.
And when I started reading thatbook I was like, oh girl, your
higher self has been trying totell you what you went through.
(08:26):
And so that's when, like, thefloodgates kind of opened for me
.
But it wasn't until I startedtalking about this podcast and
thinking about doing thispodcast did I realize that when
I moved here to this house, Iwas finally curating a safe
(08:49):
space.
And because domestic violenceand violence in the home has
something that I've experiencedsince I've been a child, I
didn't realize that it was.
It took me 34 years 34 years tofeel safe within my home and I
(09:13):
have two children and my son was19, 20, no 19, 18 or eight oh
my gosh 18.
I'm so sorry.
20?
, no 19?
, 18 or 18?
Oh my gosh 18.
I'm so sorry.
My son was 18 when I moved here.
Like that's also very scary,you know, as a mom, to think you
(09:34):
think you're doing the safestthing, you think you're making
the best decisions for yourself,and then on reflection you
realize how unsafe you were.
You know, that was just in thelast few days, me realizing that
.
I was like, wow, you have a lotto be proud of.
You have a lot that you'veaccomplished and when I first
(09:58):
left that relationship I waslooking at it like it was a
failure, like I failed you know,34 years before she felt safe
in her own home.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
Oh, that is a lifetime of abuse.
That is a lifetime of survivalmode and sometimes, when we
leave, we don't even feel safe.
It takes practice to learn howto feel safe again in our bodies
, in our homes, in our decisions, in our minds.
And when Farrah said that shethought that she had failed by
(10:37):
leaving, damn girl, raise yourhand if you've ever told
yourself that you can't see me,but my hand is way up high at my
studio right now.
Somehow the relationship endingmeant that in your mind, it
meant that you weren't goodenough, not strong enough, just
not enough, not worthy.
(11:01):
But getting out isn't a failure.
Seeing things crumble aroundyou in a toxic and abusive
relationship isn't failure.
It's freedom.
It's freedom to make adifferent choice, to say you
know what I am done.
And it's survival finallyevolving into healing.
(11:27):
And when she talks aboutcurating a safe space, that's
not just I mean we love todecorate our homes right.
That's not just interiordecorating, that's nervous
system work.
That's finally taking a deepbreath and not having to look
over your shoulder.
That is feeling like you arefinally emerging to the surface
(11:53):
from the depths of the freakingocean and finally able to take a
full ass inhale and I'm likeit's quite the opposite.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
You accomplish so much getting out and getting to
safety.
You know my daughter.
She is high functioning autismand she's doing so well right
now and she's doing so wonderfuland it's such a different child
(12:27):
from when we left thathousehold.
I can only you know from whereI'm sitting today look back and
give myself the kudos and reallycelebrate everything that I've
accomplished, because goingthrough it in these last few
years, I really felt like afailure and it's a really
interesting place to sit and youhave to imagine some of the
(12:51):
situations I was creating formyself trying to get myself to
realize the positive.
I feel like God won't let ussit there in the negative.
You know what I mean Life willcontinue to show us and try to
show us and try to show us so wesee ourselves in that highest
light.
So, yeah, that it's beeninteresting, just the search for
(13:14):
community in that way.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
I want to stay on this topic of healing One,
because you need to.
You need to sit in that feelingfeeling I know that you said
that you have, but I would liketo sit in it with you because
you're crying, I'm gonna cry.
Don't do that to me.
Where it's, when you reach acertain point, you kind of look
(13:44):
at it and you're like I'membarrassed of what I've been
through, what I've allowed, I'membarrassed of where I'm at
right now, and I think thatshame just impairs your judgment
to say, but holy cow, look howfar I've come.
And while I was busy survivingall these other people who I'm
(14:08):
comparing myself to other momswho were just able to and I'm
not saying that like anybodyelse's, life is just like so
much easier.
But when you compare yourself,you're like they weren't dealing
with abuse and I was, um, andlook how good of a mom they are.
You know, and you just, youalways want to push yourself to
(14:29):
be better, even though, like youhave no idea how incredible you
are, how incredible you werethrough all of that.
I know, um, my son was thereason that I pulled through
Same.
Speaker 2 (14:47):
Yeah, yeah.
I think it's really interestingsitting in this healing place
and also knowing that thejourney is never.
It's never like, oh, I'm healedyou never really arrive.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
It's a daily thing that we choose and it's a daily
thing that I have to chooseRight.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
It's a daily thing that we choose and it's a daily
thing that I have to chooseright.
It's in practice, it's inlifestyle.
But sitting in this place oflooking at myself as a whole
(15:31):
individual, needing nothing, youknow, being okay just in who I
am, is very powerful, becausethe shame has run so deep I
didn't even realize.
But so much of my self-talk inthese last few years was how
could you let this happen?
How could you do this?
How could you allow this happen?
How could you do this?
How could you allow this toyourself?
And going back and writing mystory, I was like wait a minute.
(15:58):
Like Farrah, there was no startto this, like it always has
been a thing for you.
So how could you not a thingfor you?
So how could you not Like, howwere you expected to make
different decisions?
Not being educated andunderstanding what you were even
going through as a child?
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Okay, this part right here, I get it, I've lived it,
you've lived it, we've all livedit.
But it You've lived it, we'veall lived it.
But shame.
Shame should not be part of ourhealing process, but for so
(16:37):
many of us, of course it is, andit's not because we did
anything wrong, but because wewere conditioned to believe that
what happened to us was ourfault.
We've been carrying the weightof abuse and keeping it quiet
and wondering why we are the waythat we are.
For however long we've beenexperiencing abuse, we let it
happen.
(16:57):
We should have known betterthat we are the one responsible
for the unpredictable acts ofsomeone else.
But and I'm not trying to likeminimize anybody else's
experience here but, like inFarrah's case, how could she
(17:17):
know better if all she had everknown was abuse?
Ever known was abuse.
For some of us, there was nobefore, no safe foundation to
build from, no healthyrelationship to emulate.
And yet here we are, unlearning, rebuilding, reparenting
(17:47):
ourselves and doing the damnimpossible.
Farrah said something sopowerful.
There was no start to this.
It's just always been a thingfor me, because that means to
(18:08):
her survival was never just aphase, it was an entire
atmosphere that she wasbreathing since day one, so of
course her nervous systemlearned how to shrink and scan
the room.
Of course her self-talk learnedhow to be cruel and of course,
healing to her feels like aforeign fucking language.
And yet she's doing it, you'redoing it, we're doing it.
So let this be the reminderthat you need today what
(18:32):
happened to you that was neveryour fault and the shame that
doesn't belong to you.
You said that earlier.
You said that healing is alifestyle and you had wrote to
me when you said in your story,you said I would like to focus
this interview about not onlynecessarily my history, but how
(18:58):
I have overcome these moments ofextreme hardship and what I do
in my healing process, whichwill be a part of my life
forever.
Healing is a lifestyle.
So I'm curious to know and wetalked about this a little last
night, when we had talked onInstagram.
You had asked, like, do youhave any self-care tips?
(19:19):
And I was like I would love toknow what did you do to, like,
prepare for this interview?
But there's my first question,and my second question is what
does it look like for you?
Like, what does healing looklike for you on an everyday
basis?
Speaker 2 (19:33):
Yeah, well, to prepare for this interview, I
really had just to accept that Iwas ready to share my story and
really do nothing else, that Iwas ready to share my story and
really do nothing else.
I think so much of what I'vegone through is hypervigilance
to have to show up a certain way, and hypervigilance to need to
(19:57):
protect myself or to overanalyzeeverything or everyone in the
room.
And I wanted to come here andbe able to talk about this, but
not perseverate and stressmyself out days to come, right.
So for me, to prepare for this,I even thought about, like,
(20:19):
going back and you know, maybe Ishould listen to, you know,
some of the old podcast episodesand I'm like, no, no, that's
going to overwhelm you, that'sgoing to put things on your mind
, like.
So I spent time and I did thethings that I have, I love to do
.
I skated yesterday with mydaughter and we.
(20:42):
We had hot dogs and Frenchfries for dinner.
So, like, we didn't, like wasnot worried about what vegetable
, what we're getting like,whatever, what do you feel like?
You know, you know I I tried totake your advice and get enough
sleep.
It wasn't really successful,but I also gave myself
(21:03):
permission to do that Right.
So I just give myselfpermission in the moment to like
what do you need right now, youknow?
And my lifestyle and healingthat is, it really can be
(21:28):
different as the days go, but Ihave a few things that I really
try to do every day have a fewminutes of quiet time with
myself.
I talk to my sisters everysingle day, every single day.
One thing that was tough throughmy experiences was the
isolation and not being andhaving those strong
relationships.
(21:49):
So, for me, having those strongrelationships and knowing that
I have the support and tappinginto that support, um is
something that I do every day.
Um, I try to move my body andhave some type of fun, because I
personally just love to beactive, I love to just be
physical, I love to work out.
(22:10):
You know, if you ask mydaughter, she'll tell you that
I'm going to be an acrobat andI'm going to join the circus one
day.
But I totally mean it too.
Totally mean it too.
But there was a point in myhealing journey when I really
was being really specific totaking care of myself.
(22:31):
I actually had to stop working,and not stop working out, but
stop having like such a regimenfor myself, because I also
realized that that was somethingI was doing to please another
person and I really wasn't doingthat for myself.
(22:52):
Right, how did you come to?
Speaker 1 (22:53):
that conclusion, though that seems like such a
difficult thing to navigate andto truly understand.
Like some of us, we don't knowwhat we need.
We don't know what we need.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was actually for me to
understand.
That's what I needed.
I was looking at old picturesof myself and was looking at my
body and I was actually doingthe wow fair.
It's really interesting becausesome of the hardest times, man,
you were like you were tea, youknow.
But then I reminded myself Ialso was doing that to please my
(23:28):
daughter's father, you know.
And listening to my body, inthat moment I felt like I was
running on a treadmill for 30years of 30 years.
(23:49):
It felt like my nervous systemdidn't know how to calm down and
sometimes that working out was.
It's definitely therapeutic,because I do process emotionally
when I work out, but it's themotivation, you know.
And realizing that I was doingit to please someone else, I
almost kind of had to like, holdon.
We're going to pause thisreally quick because, like, why,
(24:15):
why, why do we, why do we dothis and why do we want to do
this?
And even that was interestingbecause, again, I've always been
athletic.
It's not something that startedwhen I met this individual.
This is something that hehijacked, this is something that
he took an opportunity tocenter himself in.
(24:35):
I want you to look good fordaddy.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (24:39):
I do know what you mean.
That was me and cooking.
That's what we call my I say wemy fiance, and I call my food
wound.
It was something I love to do,it was a love language, but then
it became that thing that hecould use against me to
(25:01):
intimidate me, to interrogate meand to abuse me multiple times
a day through multiple meals.
I get it.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
Where do I even start with this one?
This part made me so angry andmaybe it's because I'm still
triggered by this.
Maybe this is something thatI'm still personally working
through, but when Ferris said hehijacked something, I loved the
instant fire that I felt in mybelly, because that is one of
(25:34):
the quietest kinds of emotionalabuse, because they don't just
control your body or your time.
They start laying claims toyour passions, your joy, your
sparkle and the things that makeyou you.
And I'm just going to go aheadand say it You're the worst kind
(25:56):
of person If you take whatmakes somebody else happy and
you ruin it for them.
What makes somebody else happyand you ruin it for them the
worst kind of person.
(26:16):
It's not always about whatyou're doing.
The activity that you're doing,I don't know, is it
rollerblading?
Is it knitting?
Is it swimming?
It's the intention behind whyyou do what you do.
Does it light you up?
Is it yours?
A narcissist hates that.
They hate to see someone elseso happy because they don't know
(26:39):
what happiness and joygenuinely feels like.
It's a battle in their brain.
Nobody else can be above them,nobody else can rise above them.
Or and hear me out like inFarrah's case, they'll take what
(26:59):
you love and center themselvesin it.
They'll make it all about them.
They'll make it into somethingthat is co-opted and twisted and
something that you need toperform to stay safe and lovable
.
And this is why the healingafter abuse part is so layered,
(27:22):
because it's not just aboutleaving.
You don't just get to wipe yourhands of it and you're done.
It's about untangling yourselffrom everything that they tried
to claim, including your joy.
Yeah, that's, it's, it's it'sinteresting, it's just so, it's
(27:44):
so good and they just like worktheir way in, like that, and how
all these people are aredifferent people, but they're
all the same.
Um, and I think one thing thatyou said that was really
interesting, to me at least, wasthat nervous system regulation,
because that was something thatI just went through.
I wanted to come back on thispodcast earlier than what I did,
(28:07):
but I had realized I wasseverely lacking on my self-care
and I needed to regulate mynervous system.
I was not doing well and for methat looked like, like you said
in the beginning, asking myselfwhat do you need?
And just actually doing that.
And for me I was tired, I hadto be still.
(28:30):
I had to just like sit in thesilence, sit with myself, and a
lot of that for me looked likepainting, walking in nature and
just learning how to be still.
That was something that mytherapist would repeat to me
often you need to learn how tobe still.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
Yeah, I'm getting better at that.
I'll tell you that becausethere was a time where I think I
was just keeping myself so busyso I didn't have to be still
and process things and thinkabout things.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
Do you think that's?
What you were doing as wellwith your working out.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Yes, absolutely Absolutely, and also just with,
like, certain commitments andresponsibilities I was over
committing, so that way I didn'thave any time to myself.
You know, always choosing to dosomething for one of the
children instead of doingsomething for myself.
I remember my son asking me oneday like Mom, if you don't want
(29:33):
to do something, then why areyou doing it?
Like why are?
Speaker 1 (29:38):
you doing it?
Don't you love the ways that,like we created these people and
then they come back around tojust like serve you so hard
sometimes?
Speaker 2 (29:46):
Yeah, Both my children.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
Yeah, both my children.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Mine too, and my son he's, more, he's, he's.
He's very sensitive to what I,what I'm going through, because
I had my son when I was 16 yearsold, so a lot of I even tell
him, like you know, we we did,we grew up together.
You know what I mean.
(30:14):
I did an amazing job as ateenage mom, raising him in a
tough environment.
But there are so many thingsthat he and both my children
teach me and he inspired me totruly look into myself and when
I don't want to do something,learn to say I'd rather not.
And it's funny because he has away of as soon as someone asks
(30:36):
him for something, he'll justsay no, right off the rip.
He won't even think about it.
He's like I don't think so, andit's kind of hard to be on the
receiving end of that right.
But it gives him an opportunityto process, to see if he really
wants to do that, yeah, andthen he'll come back and say you
know what I thought about itand I can do that.
And he's done that with memultiple, multiple times.
Speaker 1 (30:59):
You know what I mean.
Cheers to raising a child withsuch amazing boundaries, though,
and someone who is self-awareand puts themselves first in a
healthy way.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:11):
That's incredible.
You're doing a great job.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
It's knowledge that they came in with.
I definitely provided them thespace to be themselves, but I'm
not so sure.
Those are things and maybe it'sthat's a part of also the
healing journey is actually togo back and realize, no, you
were teaching them that thewhole time or you were doing
this the whole time.
But there are some things thatI've always been ingrained to be
(31:40):
a people pleaser and a giverand they've really taught me
that it doesn't have to be thatway and I do believe that was
knowledge that he, that the kidscame in with and taught me.
But you know, another part ofmy healing is to be still right.
I actually had to make a toughdecision back in 2023.
(32:05):
And I decided to take leavefrom my nine to five corporate
software job and that was a hugedecision Because, number one, I
love to work.
Also, it is an escape for me,like when I get to work, I get
to just completely forget aboutwhat is going on in my personal
(32:27):
life and it's just professionaland you show up and you leave it
at the door, even though youreally don't leave it at the
door, right?
But there's that aspect of I'mnot going to focus on this.
I get to focus on somethingelse, and for many years, work
was my escape from these reallytough home situations.
(32:49):
It was like that with my son'sfather, where if things were
really bad, I was in nursing, Iwould just pick up shifts.
I'm like, ok, cool, I'm goingto work a double.
You want to give me hell, I'mgoing to make more money.
You know what I mean, butthat's not healthy.
(33:10):
About when my daughter's fathertook me to court and opened up a
court case and started fightingfor 50-50 custody, despite me
asking him for help, right?
So instead of him just workingwith me, he decided to go into
the courts and of course, thatwas his form of control and
manipulation and we were onlygoing to do it his way, or it
(33:32):
wasn't going to be any way.
But at that point I literally Igot up to here and I'm like, if
I don't do something, I'm goingto crack.
And I had to say at that pointin my life like I just I have to
stop it all, I have to stop itall.
(33:53):
I just I have to stop it all, Ihave to stop it all.
You know, as far as the workcame, um, at that point I had
started um, my online fitnessbusiness that I'm very
passionate about.
Um and so much of a time ofhealing for me was during my
postpartum period with mydaughter, um.
That's when I realized I neededto get out of this household
(34:16):
right.
So I'm very passionate abouthelping moms that just went
through childbirth and that aretrying to find their ways back
to themselves.
But I also had to stop andpause and not try to, you know,
look for clients or, you know,meet with, you know, new leads
(34:39):
and things like that and newmoms.
And I had to really just stopbecause I was looking at myself
as a content creator and showingup as a personal trainer and
coach and it was big on impostersyndrome.
All I kept seeing is how I'mjust not good enough.
(34:59):
My content is just not goodenough.
You know, this program is justnot good enough.
Everything I was and I'm likewho is this person?
Because when I got with thatguy I was, even though I was
coming out of a 10 year very,very violent relationship I
still was very confident in whoI was.
(35:22):
I still was very confident,knowing that I can accomplish
anything I put my mind to.
So who is this woman who isjust like questioning everything
, this woman who is just likequestioning everything?
And that's when I had torealize it was the mental, the
emotional manipulation that heaimed to separate me from myself
(35:47):
and insert himself there.
But all of these things werekind of triggering me in that
way, so saying I love to do this, but I have to just put it on
pause.
And all you hear is, whenyou're an entrepreneur in small
business is don't stop, justkeep going.
(36:09):
You could be right around thecorner of your big break and you
don't want to stop and I had totell myself it doesn't.
Hey, if it's meant to be, godhas it for you and it will be
there when you're ready to pickit back up and it's OK.
You can't keep doing this toyourself.
You just can't.
(36:30):
You can't keep doing this toyourself.
You just can't.
You can't keep doing this toyourself.
So, learning to be still.
And when I tell you I wentstill, I don't.
I think there were days I didn'teven get out of the bed.
My son would come to me in myroom like, hey, are we OK?
Like your daughter's in thenext room, like tossing the
living room, mom, tossing theliving room, mom.
(36:52):
And if you've ever seen like achild on the spectrum, you know
you could have a room that'spristine and if you are not
keeping tabs, it will be anunrecognizable place when you're
done.
It's just like they go from onething to the next thing and
they're taking stuff out hereand taking stuff out here and
(37:13):
she was.
She was, you know.
I mean we were all goingthrough our journeys and our
times at that point.
But you know, she was alsolooking, watching me, paying
attention, and she heard me oneday say you know what?
I want some art for my walls.
And she started drawing and shestarted my daughter started
(37:34):
putting up pictures and she hadthis whole back wall and then,
when she ran out of paper, shestarted getting little envelopes
that were coming in the mailand she would draw the envelopes
and stick them on the wall.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
Good for her at least she used paper.
Speaker 2 (37:49):
Oh, my God, oh, cause we went through that drawing on
the wall before we went throughthat already.
But you know it was.
It was a time where I went fromlike feeling like I was running
on a treadmill to like hittinga brick wall and then so from
there I had to really learn likewhere my new balance was, you
(38:11):
know, balance was you know.
And then I wanted to make sure,like when I did start, you know
, doing the things that I loved,again, I'm doing it from the
right reasons.
I'm not doing it because Ithink I I want to just help
someone else.
No, I'm doing this because Ilove to do this.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (38:29):
I do know what you mean, but I'm I'm interested to
know like.
But I'm interested to know like.
I get questions on how do Iknow what's right for me.
I get questions like I'mfeeling this emotion.
It's very uncomfortable, Idon't want to be here, how do I
(38:50):
get past this?
And my answer is always theonly way through it is through
it.
Speaker 2 (38:55):
It's through it.
Speaker 1 (38:56):
I'm sorry, I can't give you.
Speaker 2 (38:58):
There's nothing else and that's the best.
That's the best advice.
I started reading all thesebooks.
You Can Heal your Life byLouise Hay.
Emotional Alchemy Forgot Tarasomething?
Emotional Alchemy forgot Tarasomething.
Emotional Alchemy is an amazingbook.
I started reading you know,being the Narcissist Nightmare
(39:21):
all of these self-help it's Notyou by Dr Romney.
So many books and through allof them they're telling you the
same message and through all ofthem they're telling you the
same message.
You are putting off yourhealing without actually feeling
those feelings.
(39:41):
If you're feeling down andyou're feeling depressed, no
matter what that looks like.
One day for me it meant sittingin my backyard and putting my
feet in the grass.
Another day it meant notgetting out of bed.
Another day it meant sitting inmy backyard and putting my feet
in the grass, and another dayit meant not getting out of bed.
Another day it meant taking mydaughter on for a walk or
cleaning my house incessantly,like because I didn't do
(40:02):
anything for three weeks.
Now I'm like ah, and I'm likeanxious, and that's what I
needed to do that day.
Speaker 1 (40:10):
Right.
So you leaned into what youfelt you just needed to do in
that moment.
Speaker 2 (40:17):
Listening.
I think the biggest thing isthat we listen to others and we
really don't even tap intoourselves to even ask ourselves
what am I feeling?
Or if I have asked myself or Iam identifying, this is what I'm
feeling, what do I need?
And then giving yourselfpermission and making it okay
(40:40):
with you that this is what'shappening.
Because if you still have thatvoice in the back of your head
telling yourself, well, youshouldn't be doing this or this
shouldn't be happening, you knowit's going to be hard to then
give yourself permission andconsciously you can say, yep,
I'm giving myself permission todo this thing, but you kind of
(41:02):
also in your mind, have to tellthat thing You're not real and
get out of here.
Speaker 1 (41:14):
One thing that I did with that thing that you're
talking about that is I gave ita name, so separate from my own
name, and naming it actually myfiance came up with it.
I don't know where he came upwith Carlita, but Carlita is her
name and making Carlitaseparate from me helped so much
because I would be like Carlitatoday is not your day, Okay, but
(41:39):
then also understanding thatCarlita is there because she
wants to be heard, she needs tobe heard.
And there are times where youhave to sit with Carlita and
it's such a difficult thing tonavigate, especially on your own
, because you really have tocome from.
We come from this place wherewe do not trust ourselves at all
(42:04):
.
There's the shame, there's theguilt of what we have
experienced.
We've been told that we'rewrong in so many different ways.
We can never seem to make thatperson happy.
We're always having to think 10steps ahead to telling yourself
that you have to trust yourself.
That is such a confusing timeas a survivor.
(42:31):
And it's like learning how to do.
That is like we've been talkingabout.
It's slowing down, but alsosomething that I want to talk
about with you, because you saidyou know, like I check in with
myself, I ask myself what I need.
One thing that was reallydifficult for me is I did not
feel like I was in my body atall, in my body at all.
(42:53):
I had to spend a very long timepracticing coming back into my
body, and how I would do thatwould be I would lay in bed at
night and I would stare at theceiling.
I would feel like I was likehovering above my own body and I
would just ask myself to comeback in.
As wild as that sounds, I wouldalways feel like I had all this
(43:22):
electricity in my body that wasnot allowing me to be calm.
I don't know if that'srelatable, but oh, oh, my gosh.
Speaker 2 (43:30):
You know it's a protective mechanism.
It's a protective mechanismthat I have utilized more as a
child, I think in my adult life.
Speaker 1 (43:45):
Okay, I guess we're going to do this.
We're going to request astep-by-step handbook for
healing.
It's going to look somethinglike this One realize you're not
okay.
Step two cry.
Step three lay down for a while.
Step four take a walk, touchgrass, I don't know.
Step five cry again and thenrinse and repeat as needed, but
(44:08):
for real, trying to be stillwhen your body knows nothing
besides chaos.
That's advanced level healing.
It is so freaking difficult andchecking in with yourself after
abuse isn't easy, because it'snot just about like, what do I
(44:28):
need?
It's about asking yourself andfeeling that gut feeling of like
can I even trust that this isactually what I need?
Can I trust myself right now?
And when I talk about thatelectricity in your body, that's
like if you identify with thatfeeling, I look at it as that's
(44:52):
just your nervous systemscreaming like hey, we are still
in danger, even when the dooris locked, even when the house
is quiet, even when you know,like I knew, that I was safe.
And it takes so much intention,so much stillness, so much
quietness to say come back,you're safe now.
(45:14):
Quietness to say come back,you're safe now.
And let's be honest, beingselfish in a healing season is
the most radical thing you cando.
Someone told me yesterday it's49% selfishness, 51%
selflessness in your healingprocess, and it makes so much
(45:38):
sense, especially when you weretrained to put yourself dead
freaking last.
You were not worthy of theself-care.
If you did that, that meantthat you could be coming home to
yourself and you could realizeall of the messed up things that
they were doing to you.
They had to keep chaos in yourlife to keep you distracted from
(46:02):
what they were doing.
So if you're listening to thisand you felt that buzzing in
your chest or your guilt forneeding a break, be selfish.
Speaker 2 (46:23):
It is needed in your time of healing.
I have very much stayed in mybody, um, and, and because of
that, your body, kind of I'm notgonna say your, but your our
bodies are always taking thescore.
No matter what we're goingthrough emotionally, mentally,
it's going to show in our bodies.
But I remember specifically asa child, having a few situations
where I left my body and I wasseeing what was happening.
(46:47):
When I think and I rememberthose situations I'm not
remembering it from the vantagepoint that I experienced it I
actually remember seeing myselfover my dad's shoulder, right
Like.
I remember hiding behind my momand seeing my dad beat on a
(47:12):
little girl in the bushes overthere and seeing my dad beat on
a little girl in the bushes overthere.
Speaker 1 (47:21):
But when I think back to that time, it's not
happening to me.
Where do you think you went?
You just went somewhere from adifferent point of view.
Speaker 2 (47:33):
For me.
I went to a place I made up inmy mind.
I went with the, I went withthe individuals that were around
.
So I remember being behind mymom and peering around my mom's
leg and seeing what washappening.
And the second time thathappened, as a child, I was
(48:17):
sitting also on the steps withmy brothers because it's
interesting, I wasn reallyhappening and I remember them
counting the slashes that I wassupposed to be counting and I am
telling you I would have neverhad that information.
And when we were adults we weretalking about it and then I
(48:40):
told them what I remember fromthat and they were like but how
do you know that?
You weren't with us, youweren't next to us to have known
that that happened.
Farrah, how do you even knowthat?
And they never told me thatbefore that.
They were actually counting theslashes.
I was like, oh no, I rememberyou guys were on the stairs and
running up and down and sittingthere for a while and counting
(49:05):
27, 28, 29, 30 and running backup like, oh girl.
So I was.
The punishment was disrobe, holdon to your ankles and I'm going
to give you 10 slashes with myleather belt and you're going to
(49:29):
count all 10.
And if you let go of yourankles or stop counting, I'm
going to start over at zero.
And he was laying into me withall of his strength how old were
you?
Ten?
I was ten, and of course I meanhe was giving me an impossible
(49:53):
task.
Of course I was going to let go.
I'm screaming in pain andgrabbing my rear end Right and
we're starting over, and I washit over 100 times with a belt
that day.
I've experienced things noadult should have to experience
(50:15):
as a child.
My son is nine, so I pictureyeah my daughter's eight years
old and I couldn't, I couldn't.
The thought of that happeningto her probably will make me
ball, more than actually whathappened to me, because you know
, but um, oh my gosh, I I'vereally never told too many
(50:44):
people about that, um it's okay,you don't have to.
Speaker 1 (50:53):
You don't have to say anything if you don't want to.
Pharaoh was 10 10, the same ageas my son.
Right now I don't know that Ihave the right words for this
(51:14):
break, but I think that this isjust one of those moments where
we just pause, because sometimesthe deepest form of witnessing
is silence.
It's just sitting with someone,it's letting their truth echo
(51:35):
uninterrupted, so the weight ofit can be felt in full yeah, no,
I'm trying to find my, my, mythought, the points I was making
(51:55):
um, okay, what?
about um, um.
We haven't really given ourlistener any kind of background
oh my, my gosh, you're right asto what you have experienced and
(52:16):
we don't have to go into it toomuch.
But one thing that you said thatI was interested in knowing was
you said I honestly cannotremember when I started
experiencing DV.
It was in the home I grew up in, which is what we're talking
about now.
I was so young when it started.
I literally cannot remember thefirst time I experienced
(52:38):
physical abuse.
This was my life.
My question is, even though youdon't know the first time, how
old do you think you were?
Or do you remember the timethat you first were?
Like wait a minute, this isn'tnormal or safe.
Speaker 2 (53:01):
So it's tough because so much of the culture that
both my parents were raised in,corporal punishment was okay.
So you know, a pop in the hand,a spank, was very normalized.
(53:23):
I'm sorry, go ahead.
Speaker 1 (53:24):
Well, you had said something also in your story
which made me wonder, becauseI'm not familiar, but you said
in your Haitian culture is thiscorporal punishment part of
Haitian culture?
I tried to read into this alittle bit just so I could
(53:44):
understand, and I saw that shamewas, was big if something were
to happen, especially like apregnancy that you had said, and
a lot of that will reflect backon the parents.
So is that the punishment,something that the parents would
do because of the Haitianbelief system?
Speaker 2 (54:08):
Is that what that was .
I think it's deep.
I think it's deep rooted inancestral things because of just
our history, and I will sayit's not every Haitian household
, because now that I'm older andI am, you know just more I've
had more experience with morepeople.
I have met some Haitian peoplethat were like, oh my God, my
(54:32):
parents would have never puttheir hands on me.
Speaker 1 (54:35):
I think that's for every culture, like we evolve
and heal and we heal our lineage.
Speaker 2 (54:41):
Exactly, Exactly so.
But I will say that in mostHaitian households, if kids are
getting spanked, it's prettynormal.
Now, my dad, my stepdad, whowas, who is and was, who was,
you know, one of my firstabusers.
(55:03):
He, he's white, he didn't growup in a Haitian household, but
(55:29):
in his household there was alsoa lot of abuse, but it wasn't so
.
For my mom, spanking was verynormal.
My dad, you know, in hishousehold there was a point in
time he started carrying aroundlike a crowbar to keep himself
safe against his father Right,and so it's deep.
And I remember, a few monthsago I saw a picture of him when
he was a baby and it broke myheart because I'm like, oh, look
at this little boy.
That was hurt.
Speaker 1 (55:44):
Right, we're all born with clean slaves.
Speaker 2 (55:47):
Oh, of course you know, and it has me looking at
him in a different light becauseyou know, when you look at
someone and you can see thatchild in them, it has me feeling
even different today.
But so what blurred the lineswas my mom spanking was okay,
(56:11):
redirecting children and using,you know, maybe a belt because
they did something really,really bad might have been okay.
One, you know she, she mighthave known certain isolated
things that happened, but shereally had no idea to the extent
.
So, yes, I, I could have beenthree years old and got popped
(56:44):
in my hand.
I could have been four yearsold getting spanked in my, my,
my, my bottom Right.
Have been four years old,getting spanked in my bottom
right, because this was verynormal to redirect a child, even
though for me now I'm like Inever use my hands with my
children ever.
And my daughter, I think shewould bust back.
So there's that too, and I'mbeing very honest with you.
(57:09):
She's very autonomous.
I'm very proud of her for that.
Yeah, but she's very autonomous.
She matches energy real quick,real quick.
But also she got that from mebecause I also was the child
that would not just take it.
A lot of why I got in troublewas because I was the one to
(57:33):
speak up and say this wasn'tright.
So you asked me about when wasthe time that I really realized
that something wasn't okay?
Probably when I started talkingto my siblings after getting
punished like yo.
That wasn't right, and I reallycan't even tell you at what age
I started doing that, becauseit was.
(57:55):
It seemed like it was alwaysthere.
But I think around 11, I wouldsay around 10, 11, 12, when I
started playing softball is whenI really started using my voice
more openly and I startedchallenging my stepdad I would
(58:21):
say around 12, 13 started reallystarted challenging.
But I remember when I was wewere really young and one of my
brothers were like yo, you wouldbe Kunta and it's related to
the movie Roots and there wasthe slave that refused to be
(58:43):
called Toby and he's like yo,that's you he's like.
And he told me he was like justsay Toby, he was like, he's
like they're the adults, they'regoing to win.
So why don't you're making iteasier on yourself and just say
Toby and he was talking, ofcourse, and and and go just to
be like listen, just roll overand take it, like why are you
(59:05):
even like trying to fight back?
And I remember telling him thenI mean F that I remember I told
him I was like fuck that, no,that's not right what they're
doing.
And you know, as long as I havea voice, this is what we're
going to be going through.
And a lot of my healing I waslike, oh my gosh, yeah, I like I
(59:27):
.
Yeah, that was me.
Yeah, I like I, yeah, that wasme.
Speaker 1 (59:30):
This is such a powerful visual for me.
When Farrah's brother relatedher to Kunta and Roots and if
you know the movie, you know thereference then you understand
the weight of that it wasn'tjust a nickname that he was
(01:00:01):
giving her, it was anacknowledgement of her refusal
to break, of her unwillingnessto silence herself in the face
of brutality, chills.
Her siblings told her to makeit easier for herself to stop
fighting.
And for some, survival did meanstaying quiet.
It did mean backing down.
It did for me, and that's okay.
But Farrah's path was different.
(01:00:24):
Even as a child she had that,that knowing that what was
happening was wrong, and sherefused to shrink for anyone.
This is the part of healing thatwe don't talk about enough.
(01:00:47):
How early on so many of us knew.
We knew that something waswrong, even if we didn't have
the words for it yet, even if wecouldn't call abuse what it was
at the time.
We had that gut feeling, thatinner knowing.
And how often were you punishedfor speaking out about it, for
(01:01:17):
daring to name it out loud?
You had that understanding andthat knowing and you were never
wrong.
And I think that's a reallyimportant part about coming home
to yourself in survivorship.
It's listening to that piece ofyou again and knowing that all
(01:01:40):
along you had your own answersand it is okay and safe to trust
yourself now.
Speaker 2 (01:01:47):
I didn't just lay down and take it, because so
much of how I saw myself in mylast relationship I'm like, how
did you take all of this?
And then I had to remember wait, I was going through some
things, but I wasn't an easy.
It wasn't.
It wasn't an easy time for him.
It just wasn't like, oh, dothis.
And there were very, there weremany times where I was using my
(01:02:09):
voice and there were very,there were many times where I
(01:02:30):
was using my voice, that littlegirl to then, you know, fighting
my stepdad and we all of asudden were having fistfights
and he's having bloody noses andyou know I can see my brother
in back of him, like holding aglass bowl, just waiting, just
waiting for the opportunitybecause he knows he's going to
protect his sister.
(01:02:52):
I went from that home situationto then looking for love.
15 years old, my grandfatherjust had died a few months
before.
He was one of my best friends.
I'm looking for love.
I no longer have that maleenergy because you know my
biological father didn't have agreat connection relationship
(01:03:13):
with him and you know this wasmy stepfather that was doing
this.
Right, my dad.
But you know I we didn't dostep any of that.
He was just my dad and he alsoraised me since I was in diapers
.
So in very much way he's my dad, he's my dad.
So once my grandfather passedaway a few months later you know
now I'm on you know the AOL wasbig and you know the chat rooms
(01:03:36):
and whatnot.
That's where I met my son'sfather and you know, it's just
so happened, divine timing,divine placement that his cousin
was my brother's best friend,so where it was very new, and
people were like, oh my God, youmet him online and at that time
they were thinking I was crazy,right, because it's what?
(01:03:59):
2002?
Right, it's 2002.
So you know we had made thatmutual connection that we knew
the same people and we met andyou know he was 17.
I was 15.
He had gone through his ownthings in his childhood and had
ill-equipped coping mechanisms,was very abusive himself and we
(01:04:23):
were in a 12 year marriagetogether, 10 years to two years
for us to get divorced.
But through that time, you know, went through physical,
emotional, mental, financial,sexual abuse.
I went through it all with him,you know.
And it got to the point when myson was 10 years old, and you
(01:04:46):
know there was an argument inthe house and it was crazy, and
my son comes and sits on the bedand he's like, yeah, why are we
here?
Speaker 1 (01:04:56):
Why do we live here?
Why?
Speaker 2 (01:04:57):
are we going through this?
And I was like you know what?
I don't have a good answer foryou right now, but give me 60
days, give me two months andwe're out of here, I promise you
.
I told him that.
I said I promise you and wewere literally out within the 60
(01:05:19):
days.
I told my mother-in-law at thetime.
I'm like listen, I'm going tobe finding an apartment.
I have to get out of here.
I've got to go.
This is just not healthy.
I'm not doing this anymore.
And she mocked me.
Speaker 1 (01:05:29):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (01:05:30):
Farrah, you're always moving out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, where are yougoing?
Right into the living room, youain't going nowhere.
I said, okay, came home oneSaturday was like, oh I signed
my lease and I'm out.
Speaker 1 (01:05:43):
I love that quality in you.
I used to have that quality.
I'm still trying to find itpost abuse.
But I remember people saying tome, just because I went into a
male dominated field when I wasin school, people always saying
to me oh, you know that you canonly make it so far on yada,
yada, yada, and I would be likewatch me.
Speaker 2 (01:06:05):
Watch me, watch me work, watch me.
Thank you, that is such a goodquality.
Speaker 1 (01:06:11):
But I think that, like I hope that the listener is
really painting a picture ofyour spirit, because you have
such a fighting spirit and youhave this.
I hope you talked aboutimposter syndrome, but I
sincerely hope that you don'tever let yourself have the issue
of taking up space again,because you are big and you're
(01:06:31):
bright and in the what we'vebeen talking for 45 minutes like
, in that 45 minutes, I can tellthat you're big and you're
bright and you deserve to shineand you have a fighting spirit,
and that alone not only is goingto aggravate people who are
abusive and narcissistic, likeyour dad and your exes, but that
(01:06:54):
also heals so many people.
Speaker 2 (01:06:58):
Yeah, I'm learning.
Yeah, I'm learning.
I'm giving myself permission tobe, you know, because there was
no break in between thesesituations.
You know, I went straight fromliving in my parents' house to
then moving in with my son'sfather and after, you know, I
(01:07:19):
got that apartment, six monthslater I met my daughter's father
and then we entered the realmof BDSM, master and slave, poly
relationships and it wasn't justcontrolling me, it was he was
controlling.
You know, at one time, four,four women, Three of us sister
(01:07:41):
wives moved into the hometogether with him, but I was in
that relationship for eightyears.
Speaker 1 (01:07:47):
You don't always get a break in between your storms.
Farrah didn't go from survivalto healing.
She went from one abusiverelationship right into the
other and that's not failure,that's actually reality for so
(01:08:07):
many of us.
I mean, I went straight from anabusive relationship and into
an abusive workplace and Ididn't see it until it was too
late and I already felt like Itook a million steps back in my
healing process.
But what stands out for me hereisn't her pain, it's her pivot.
Isn't her pain, it's her pivot.
(01:08:28):
The moment where she looked ather son and she said give me 60
days.
And she kept her word.
She moved.
That is her power, that is amotherhood, that is a backbone
(01:08:54):
and that is breaking cycles inreal time.
And I love when she said thatshe's learning to give herself
permission to just be, because,after abuse, learning that
you're allowed to take up space,learning that you're allowed to
exist in all of your fullbrightness, that you're allowed
to want more.
It's not easy, but it'severything.
(01:09:18):
And if you've ever askedyourself the question like why
do I keep ending up here, it'snot that you're failing, it's
that you haven't woken up yet,it's that you haven't allowed
(01:09:39):
yourself the time to sit witheverything that's happened to
you and to honor your space,space and your life experiences,
to heal yourself, to loveyourself.
But once you wake up to that,how badass and bright you are,
(01:10:02):
you will never be able to unseeit, and that's when everything
(01:10:24):
starts to change.
If you thought this episode waspowerful, we are just getting
started, because next week, inpart two, we're going to dive
deeper into the chapters thatwill leave you speechless.
I'm talking BDSM dynamics, polyrelationships and the moment
(01:10:44):
that she realized she wasn'tjust surviving abuse.
She was actually being pulledinto something that looked and
felt like a cult yeah, a cult.
The next part is wild, but it'salso such a powerful
exploration of what it means towake up, to take your life back
(01:11:07):
and to start healing on your ownterms.
If this episode hit home for you, please don't forget to rate,
review, share, subscribe.
I always feel weird and awkwardasking you to do those things,
but it truly does help bringthese stories to the victims and
(01:11:30):
survivors who need them, whoneed them most, who feel that
they're so alone in theirhealing journeys, who feel that
they're so alone in the abuseand they don't know how to get
out.
They just need proof thatsomeone else survived something
similar to them, to give themhope, to give them power, to
give them validation, to feelseen and to feel heard, to know
(01:11:54):
that they're not alone.
And that's what we're doinghere.
We're saying hey, you're notalone, we see you, we hear you
and we're healing together.
So next week I'll see you inpart two and until then,
(01:12:16):
remember the world is a betterplace because you are in it.
Thank you.
Hello and welcome back to Dismissed Tree Stories.
I've got my coffee, I'm readyto go, because this is my third
time recording my intro, myoutro, my sidebar commentary for
this particular episode.
I don't know what is going onover here.
It's been a little frustratingBunch of computer issues
(00:37):
recently, so wish me luck, butwe're going to jump into it.
This conversation, farrah, Iposted on my social media.
It's literally like 10 secondsin.
I was already crying whilelaying out this episode for the
(00:59):
week.
I'm like holy cow, because Iinterview like months in advance
and sometimes I forget what wetalk about until I actually get
into the conversation and I'mlike holy shit, this is a
powerful one.
A powerful one.
Farrah is a mother, a wellnessentrepreneur, a woman whose
(01:24):
healing journey has taken herfrom childhood trauma, domestic
violence and spiritualmanipulation to self-awareness,
safety and, finally, self-love.
So in the first half of thisconversation, farrah bravely
walks us through all theunraveling, how the floodgates
(01:47):
opened when she realized whatshe has truly lived through.
I mean, we know sometimes ittakes a while after leaving for
you to have that perfect 2020vision or that bird's eye view
of things and to see your livedexperience for what it really
was.
And also trigger warning here.
(02:10):
She does survive some prettyviolent childhood abuse and she
does describe that in greatdetail.
So if that would be triggeringto you, please, please, take
care of yourself.
She also talks about twoseparate abusive relationships
that she was in, and she opensup about the moment that she
(02:33):
stopped seeing her story as afailure and started recognizing
it as triumph.
There are so many times that shegave me cold chills during this
interview, especially whilelistening to it back.
You want to talk about 2020vision.
You're like holy cow, and weboth definitely shared some
(02:54):
tears together during thisinterview.
This episode is about comingback home to yourself.
One choice, one moment and onebreath at a time.
So, wherever you're listeningfrom, take a breath with us,
(03:15):
because you're not alone here.
You're seen, you're heard andyou're believed.
Let's get into Farrah's story.
Are you doing more healing thisallergy season?
Speaker 2 (03:58):
it must be.
It must be.
I definitely need the extrasupport, um, but I forgot what I
was saying before.
To be honest with you, um, no,I think I was talking about the,
the need for community, um, andhow community is something that
(04:28):
I've been searching for.
When I left my last like whatyou would call like a domestic
violence, household situationrelationship, I didn't really
realize in the first like yearwhat I actually went through.
I remember having aconversation with one of my good
(04:56):
friends and she was like, solike what happened with, you
know, tyra's dad?
And I'm like, oh, you know itwas.
It was an interestingrelationship.
It was a relationship where wewere poly.
It was one husband, multiplewives.
You know, we definitely had adifferent type of lifestyle, but
it's good.
Like you know, we broke up, wetalk, we co-parent, everything
(05:16):
is fine.
And she kind of was just likehuh, and knowing some other
things that I had opened up toher about, and she just, you
know, was like that's veryinteresting.
And she's like, and that's it.
And I'm like, yeah, no, that'sit.
You know, there's nothing moreto that.
And it wasn't until I startedreading a book how to Become the
(05:38):
Narcissist's Nightmare and I,yeah, and it was funny because I
was relating it.
I was relating everything to avery short-lived interaction
that I had with the man afterthat relationship.
So I was dating a bit and I waswith him for maybe two months.
But I'm reading things and I'mlike, oh my god, that's how he
(06:00):
was.
And that same friend was likethis doesn't like remind you of
anyone else.
You know what I mean.
Good for her, yeah, and she waslike you know to me she's like
she's like I know you keepbringing it back to your most
recent interaction, but she'slike I think this is more
significant to what you wentthrough with both of your
(06:21):
children's fathers and she'slike I really encourage you to
kind of look there Right.
And then the floodgates kind ofjust opened up.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Isn't that just wild sometimes that we can clearly
see the dysfunction in otherpeople's relationships, but when
it's our own, when that mirroris turned around and reflected
back at us, especially whenwe're in survival mode, it's
like we've got blinders on,we've got tunnel vision.
We cannot see things clearly.
(06:56):
But then someone may come alongin this instance Farrah's
friend and they ask the rightquestions and then it's like
boom, boom, babe.
The floodgates are wide openand all of it just comes rushing
in.
(07:16):
And that's what happened forFarrah.
Her friend wasn't justchallenging her, she was
offering her that mirror to lookinto.
And once Farrah looked into it,she started seeing the truth
more clearly.
Sometimes that's all it takesOne brave person, one hard
(07:36):
question and everything shifts.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
I also at that time was watching a lot of like
investigative shows on likeNetflix and Hulu.
So any show that had to do withlike a cult, that had to do
with a con artist, any type oftheme, investigative theme, you
(08:02):
know a lot of like murder,mysteries and things like that.
Or you know the worst ex, andthings like that.
I just for some reason I justcouldn't get enough of them.
And when I started reading thatbook I was like, oh girl, your
higher self has been trying totell you what you went through.
(08:26):
And so that's when, like, thefloodgates kind of opened for me
.
But it wasn't until I startedtalking about this podcast and
thinking about doing thispodcast did I realize that when
I moved here to this house, Iwas finally curating a safe
(08:49):
space.
And because domestic violenceand violence in the home has
something that I've experiencedsince I've been a child, I
didn't realize that it was.
It took me 34 years 34 years tofeel safe within my home and I
(09:13):
have two children and my son was19, 20, no 19, 18 or eight oh
my gosh 18.
I'm so sorry.
20?
, no 19?
, 18 or 18?
Oh my gosh 18.
I'm so sorry.
My son was 18 when I moved here.
Like that's also very scary,you know, as a mom, to think you
(09:34):
think you're doing the safestthing, you think you're making
the best decisions for yourself,and then on reflection you
realize how unsafe you were.
You know, that was just in thelast few days, me realizing that
.
I was like, wow, you have a lotto be proud of.
You have a lot that you'veaccomplished and when I first
(09:58):
left that relationship I waslooking at it like it was a
failure, like I failed you know,34 years before she felt safe
in her own home.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
Oh, that is a lifetime of abuse.
That is a lifetime of survivalmode and sometimes, when we
leave, we don't even feel safe.
It takes practice to learn howto feel safe again in our bodies
, in our homes, in our decisions, in our minds.
And when Farrah said that shethought that she had failed by
(10:37):
leaving, damn girl, raise yourhand if you've ever told
yourself that you can't see me,but my hand is way up high at my
studio right now.
Somehow the relationship endingmeant that in your mind, it
meant that you weren't goodenough, not strong enough, just
not enough, not worthy.
(11:01):
But getting out isn't a failure.
Seeing things crumble aroundyou in a toxic and abusive
relationship isn't failure.
It's freedom.
It's freedom to make adifferent choice, to say you
know what I am done.
And it's survival finallyevolving into healing.
(11:27):
And when she talks aboutcurating a safe space, that's
not just I mean we love todecorate our homes right.
That's not just interiordecorating, that's nervous
system work.
That's finally taking a deepbreath and not having to look
over your shoulder.
That is feeling like you arefinally emerging to the surface
(11:53):
from the depths of the freakingocean and finally able to take a
full ass inhale and I'm likeit's quite the opposite.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
You accomplish so much getting out and getting to
safety.
You know my daughter.
She is high functioning autismand she's doing so well right
now and she's doing so wonderfuland it's such a different child
(12:27):
from when we left thathousehold.
I can only you know from whereI'm sitting today look back and
give myself the kudos and reallycelebrate everything that I've
accomplished, because goingthrough it in these last few
years, I really felt like afailure and it's a really
interesting place to sit and youhave to imagine some of the
(12:51):
situations I was creating formyself trying to get myself to
realize the positive.
I feel like God won't let ussit there in the negative.
You know what I mean Life willcontinue to show us and try to
show us and try to show us so wesee ourselves in that highest
light.
So, yeah, that it's beeninteresting, just the search for
(13:14):
community in that way.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
I want to stay on this topic of healing One,
because you need to.
You need to sit in that feelingfeeling I know that you said
that you have, but I would liketo sit in it with you because
you're crying, I'm gonna cry.
Don't do that to me.
Where it's, when you reach acertain point, you kind of look
(13:44):
at it and you're like I'membarrassed of what I've been
through, what I've allowed, I'membarrassed of where I'm at
right now, and I think thatshame just impairs your judgment
to say, but holy cow, look howfar I've come.
And while I was busy survivingall these other people who I'm
(14:08):
comparing myself to other momswho were just able to and I'm
not saying that like anybodyelse's, life is just like so
much easier.
But when you compare yourself,you're like they weren't dealing
with abuse and I was, um, andlook how good of a mom they are.
You know, and you just, youalways want to push yourself to
(14:29):
be better, even though, like youhave no idea how incredible you
are, how incredible you werethrough all of that.
I know, um, my son was thereason that I pulled through
Same.
Speaker 2 (14:47):
Yeah, yeah.
I think it's really interestingsitting in this healing place
and also knowing that thejourney is never.
It's never like, oh, I'm healedyou never really arrive.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
It's a daily thing that we choose and it's a daily
thing that I have to chooseRight.
Speaker 2 (15:02):
It's a daily thing that we choose and it's a daily
thing that I have to chooseright.
It's in practice, it's inlifestyle.
But sitting in this place oflooking at myself as a whole
(15:31):
individual, needing nothing, youknow, being okay just in who I
am, is very powerful, becausethe shame has run so deep I
didn't even realize.
But so much of my self-talk inthese last few years was how
could you let this happen?
How could you do this?
How could you allow this happen?
How could you do this?
How could you allow this toyourself?
And going back and writing mystory, I was like wait a minute.
(15:58):
Like Farrah, there was no startto this, like it always has
been a thing for you.
So how could you not a thingfor you?
So how could you not Like, howwere you expected to make
different decisions?
Not being educated andunderstanding what you were even
going through as a child?
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Okay, this part right here, I get it, I've lived it,
you've lived it, we've all livedit.
But it You've lived it, we'veall lived it.
But shame.
Shame should not be part of ourhealing process, but for so
(16:37):
many of us, of course it is, andit's not because we did
anything wrong, but because wewere conditioned to believe that
what happened to us was ourfault.
We've been carrying the weightof abuse and keeping it quiet
and wondering why we are the waythat we are.
For however long we've beenexperiencing abuse, we let it
happen.
(16:57):
We should have known betterthat we are the one responsible
for the unpredictable acts ofsomeone else.
But and I'm not trying to likeminimize anybody else's
experience here but, like inFarrah's case, how could she
(17:17):
know better if all she had everknown was abuse?
Ever known was abuse.
For some of us, there was nobefore, no safe foundation to
build from, no healthyrelationship to emulate.
And yet here we are, unlearning, rebuilding, reparenting
(17:47):
ourselves and doing the damnimpossible.
Farrah said something sopowerful.
There was no start to this.
It's just always been a thingfor me, because that means to
(18:08):
her survival was never just aphase, it was an entire
atmosphere that she wasbreathing since day one, so of
course her nervous systemlearned how to shrink and scan
the room.
Of course her self-talk learnedhow to be cruel and of course,
healing to her feels like aforeign fucking language.
And yet she's doing it, you'redoing it, we're doing it.
So let this be the reminderthat you need today what
(18:32):
happened to you that was neveryour fault and the shame that
doesn't belong to you.
You said that earlier.
You said that healing is alifestyle and you had wrote to
me when you said in your story,you said I would like to focus
this interview about not onlynecessarily my history, but how
(18:58):
I have overcome these moments ofextreme hardship and what I do
in my healing process, whichwill be a part of my life
forever.
Healing is a lifestyle.
So I'm curious to know and wetalked about this a little last
night, when we had talked onInstagram.
You had asked, like, do youhave any self-care tips?
(19:19):
And I was like I would love toknow what did you do to, like,
prepare for this interview?
But there's my first question,and my second question is what
does it look like for you?
Like, what does healing looklike for you on an everyday
basis?
Speaker 2 (19:33):
Yeah, well, to prepare for this interview, I
really had just to accept that Iwas ready to share my story and
really do nothing else, that Iwas ready to share my story and
really do nothing else.
I think so much of what I'vegone through is hypervigilance
to have to show up a certain way, and hypervigilance to need to
(19:57):
protect myself or to overanalyzeeverything or everyone in the
room.
And I wanted to come here andbe able to talk about this, but
not perseverate and stressmyself out days to come, right.
So for me, to prepare for this,I even thought about, like,
(20:19):
going back and you know, maybe Ishould listen to, you know,
some of the old podcast episodesand I'm like, no, no, that's
going to overwhelm you, that'sgoing to put things on your mind
, like.
So I spent time and I did thethings that I have, I love to do
.
I skated yesterday with mydaughter and we.
(20:42):
We had hot dogs and Frenchfries for dinner.
So, like, we didn't, like wasnot worried about what vegetable
, what we're getting like,whatever, what do you feel like?
You know, you know I I tried totake your advice and get enough
sleep.
It wasn't really successful,but I also gave myself
(21:03):
permission to do that Right.
So I just give myselfpermission in the moment to like
what do you need right now, youknow?
And my lifestyle and healingthat is, it really can be
(21:28):
different as the days go, but Ihave a few things that I really
try to do every day have a fewminutes of quiet time with
myself.
I talk to my sisters everysingle day, every single day.
One thing that was tough throughmy experiences was the
isolation and not being andhaving those strong
relationships.
(21:49):
So, for me, having those strongrelationships and knowing that
I have the support and tappinginto that support, um is
something that I do every day.
Um, I try to move my body andhave some type of fun, because I
personally just love to beactive, I love to just be
physical, I love to work out.
(22:10):
You know, if you ask mydaughter, she'll tell you that
I'm going to be an acrobat andI'm going to join the circus one
day.
But I totally mean it too.
Totally mean it too.
But there was a point in myhealing journey when I really
was being really specific totaking care of myself.
(22:31):
I actually had to stop working,and not stop working out, but
stop having like such a regimenfor myself, because I also
realized that that was somethingI was doing to please another
person and I really wasn't doingthat for myself.
(22:52):
Right, how did you come to?
Speaker 1 (22:53):
that conclusion, though that seems like such a
difficult thing to navigate andto truly understand.
Like some of us, we don't knowwhat we need.
We don't know what we need.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was actually for me to
understand.
That's what I needed.
I was looking at old picturesof myself and was looking at my
body and I was actually doingthe wow fair.
It's really interesting becausesome of the hardest times, man,
you were like you were tea, youknow.
But then I reminded myself Ialso was doing that to please my
(23:28):
daughter's father, you know.
And listening to my body, inthat moment I felt like I was
running on a treadmill for 30years of 30 years.
(23:49):
It felt like my nervous systemdidn't know how to calm down and
sometimes that working out was.
It's definitely therapeutic,because I do process emotionally
when I work out, but it's themotivation, you know.
And realizing that I was doingit to please someone else, I
almost kind of had to like, holdon.
We're going to pause thisreally quick because, like, why,
(24:15):
why, why do we, why do we dothis and why do we want to do
this?
And even that was interestingbecause, again, I've always been
athletic.
It's not something that startedwhen I met this individual.
This is something that hehijacked, this is something that
he took an opportunity tocenter himself in.
(24:35):
I want you to look good fordaddy.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (24:39):
I do know what you mean.
That was me and cooking.
That's what we call my I say wemy fiance, and I call my food
wound.
It was something I love to do,it was a love language, but then
it became that thing that hecould use against me to
(25:01):
intimidate me, to interrogate meand to abuse me multiple times
a day through multiple meals.
I get it.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
Where do I even start with this one?
This part made me so angry andmaybe it's because I'm still
triggered by this.
Maybe this is something thatI'm still personally working
through, but when Ferris said hehijacked something, I loved the
instant fire that I felt in mybelly, because that is one of
(25:34):
the quietest kinds of emotionalabuse, because they don't just
control your body or your time.
They start laying claims toyour passions, your joy, your
sparkle and the things that makeyou you.
And I'm just going to go aheadand say it You're the worst kind
(25:56):
of person If you take whatmakes somebody else happy and
you ruin it for them.
What makes somebody else happyand you ruin it for them the
worst kind of person.
(26:16):
It's not always about whatyou're doing.
The activity that you're doing,I don't know, is it
rollerblading?
Is it knitting?
Is it swimming?
It's the intention behind whyyou do what you do.
Does it light you up?
Is it yours?
A narcissist hates that.
They hate to see someone elseso happy because they don't know
(26:39):
what happiness and joygenuinely feels like.
It's a battle in their brain.
Nobody else can be above them,nobody else can rise above them.
Or and hear me out like inFarrah's case, they'll take what
(26:59):
you love and center themselvesin it.
They'll make it all about them.
They'll make it into somethingthat is co-opted and twisted and
something that you need toperform to stay safe and lovable
.
And this is why the healingafter abuse part is so layered,
(27:22):
because it's not just aboutleaving.
You don't just get to wipe yourhands of it and you're done.
It's about untangling yourselffrom everything that they tried
to claim, including your joy.
Yeah, that's, it's, it's it'sinteresting, it's just so, it's
(27:44):
so good and they just like worktheir way in, like that, and how
all these people are aredifferent people, but they're
all the same.
Um, and I think one thing thatyou said that was really
interesting, to me at least, wasthat nervous system regulation,
because that was something thatI just went through.
I wanted to come back on thispodcast earlier than what I did,
(28:07):
but I had realized I wasseverely lacking on my self-care
and I needed to regulate mynervous system.
I was not doing well and for methat looked like, like you said
in the beginning, asking myselfwhat do you need?
And just actually doing that.
And for me I was tired, I hadto be still.
(28:30):
I had to just like sit in thesilence, sit with myself, and a
lot of that for me looked likepainting, walking in nature and
just learning how to be still.
That was something that mytherapist would repeat to me
often you need to learn how tobe still.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
Yeah, I'm getting better at that.
I'll tell you that becausethere was a time where I think I
was just keeping myself so busyso I didn't have to be still
and process things and thinkabout things.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
Do you think that's?
What you were doing as wellwith your working out.
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Yes, absolutely Absolutely, and also just with,
like, certain commitments andresponsibilities I was over
committing, so that way I didn'thave any time to myself.
You know, always choosing to dosomething for one of the
children instead of doingsomething for myself.
I remember my son asking me oneday like Mom, if you don't want
(29:33):
to do something, then why areyou doing it?
Like why are?
Speaker 1 (29:38):
you doing it?
Don't you love the ways that,like we created these people and
then they come back around tojust like serve you so hard
sometimes?
Speaker 2 (29:46):
Yeah, Both my children.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
Yeah, both my children.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Mine too, and my son he's, more, he's, he's.
He's very sensitive to what I,what I'm going through, because
I had my son when I was 16 yearsold, so a lot of I even tell
him, like you know, we we did,we grew up together.
You know what I mean.
(30:14):
I did an amazing job as ateenage mom, raising him in a
tough environment.
But there are so many thingsthat he and both my children
teach me and he inspired me totruly look into myself and when
I don't want to do something,learn to say I'd rather not.
And it's funny because he has away of as soon as someone asks
(30:36):
him for something, he'll justsay no, right off the rip.
He won't even think about it.
He's like I don't think so, andit's kind of hard to be on the
receiving end of that right.
But it gives him an opportunityto process, to see if he really
wants to do that, yeah, andthen he'll come back and say you
know what I thought about itand I can do that.
And he's done that with memultiple, multiple times.
Speaker 1 (30:59):
You know what I mean.
Cheers to raising a child withsuch amazing boundaries, though,
and someone who is self-awareand puts themselves first in a
healthy way.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:11):
That's incredible.
You're doing a great job.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
It's knowledge that they came in with.
I definitely provided them thespace to be themselves, but I'm
not so sure.
Those are things and maybe it'sthat's a part of also the
healing journey is actually togo back and realize, no, you
were teaching them that thewhole time or you were doing
this the whole time.
But there are some things thatI've always been ingrained to be
(31:40):
a people pleaser and a giverand they've really taught me
that it doesn't have to be thatway and I do believe that was
knowledge that he, that the kidscame in with and taught me.
But you know, another part ofmy healing is to be still right.
I actually had to make a toughdecision back in 2023.
(32:05):
And I decided to take leavefrom my nine to five corporate
software job and that was a hugedecision Because, number one, I
love to work.
Also, it is an escape for me,like when I get to work, I get
to just completely forget aboutwhat is going on in my personal
(32:27):
life and it's just professionaland you show up and you leave it
at the door, even though youreally don't leave it at the
door, right?
But there's that aspect of I'mnot going to focus on this.
I get to focus on somethingelse, and for many years, work
was my escape from these reallytough home situations.
(32:49):
It was like that with my son'sfather, where if things were
really bad, I was in nursing, Iwould just pick up shifts.
I'm like, ok, cool, I'm goingto work a double.
You want to give me hell, I'mgoing to make more money.
You know what I mean, butthat's not healthy.
(33:10):
About when my daughter's fathertook me to court and opened up a
court case and started fightingfor 50-50 custody, despite me
asking him for help, right?
So instead of him just workingwith me, he decided to go into
the courts and of course, thatwas his form of control and
manipulation and we were onlygoing to do it his way, or it
(33:32):
wasn't going to be any way.
But at that point I literally Igot up to here and I'm like, if
I don't do something, I'm goingto crack.
And I had to say at that pointin my life like I just I have to
stop it all, I have to stop itall.
(33:53):
I just I have to stop it all, Ihave to stop it all.
You know, as far as the workcame, um, at that point I had
started um, my online fitnessbusiness that I'm very
passionate about.
Um and so much of a time ofhealing for me was during my
postpartum period with mydaughter, um.
That's when I realized I neededto get out of this household
(34:16):
right.
So I'm very passionate abouthelping moms that just went
through childbirth and that aretrying to find their ways back
to themselves.
But I also had to stop andpause and not try to, you know,
look for clients or, you know,meet with, you know, new leads
(34:39):
and things like that and newmoms.
And I had to really just stopbecause I was looking at myself
as a content creator and showingup as a personal trainer and
coach and it was big on impostersyndrome.
All I kept seeing is how I'mjust not good enough.
(34:59):
My content is just not goodenough.
You know, this program is justnot good enough.
Everything I was and I'm likewho is this person?
Because when I got with thatguy I was, even though I was
coming out of a 10 year very,very violent relationship I
still was very confident in whoI was.
(35:22):
I still was very confident,knowing that I can accomplish
anything I put my mind to.
So who is this woman who isjust like questioning everything
, this woman who is just likequestioning everything?
And that's when I had torealize it was the mental, the
emotional manipulation that heaimed to separate me from myself
(35:47):
and insert himself there.
But all of these things werekind of triggering me in that
way, so saying I love to do this, but I have to just put it on
pause.
And all you hear is, whenyou're an entrepreneur in small
business is don't stop, justkeep going.
(36:09):
You could be right around thecorner of your big break and you
don't want to stop and I had totell myself it doesn't.
Hey, if it's meant to be, godhas it for you and it will be
there when you're ready to pickit back up and it's OK.
You can't keep doing this toyourself.
You just can't.
(36:30):
You can't keep doing this toyourself.
You just can't.
You can't keep doing this toyourself.
So, learning to be still.
And when I tell you I wentstill, I don't.
I think there were days I didn'teven get out of the bed.
My son would come to me in myroom like, hey, are we OK?
Like your daughter's in thenext room, like tossing the
living room, mom, tossing theliving room, mom.
(36:52):
And if you've ever seen like achild on the spectrum, you know
you could have a room that'spristine and if you are not
keeping tabs, it will be anunrecognizable place when you're
done.
It's just like they go from onething to the next thing and
they're taking stuff out hereand taking stuff out here and
(37:13):
she was.
She was, you know.
I mean we were all goingthrough our journeys and our
times at that point.
But you know, she was alsolooking, watching me, paying
attention, and she heard me oneday say you know what?
I want some art for my walls.
And she started drawing and shestarted my daughter started
(37:34):
putting up pictures and she hadthis whole back wall and then,
when she ran out of paper, shestarted getting little envelopes
that were coming in the mailand she would draw the envelopes
and stick them on the wall.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
Good for her at least she used paper.
Speaker 2 (37:49):
Oh, my God, oh, cause we went through that drawing on
the wall before we went throughthat already.
But you know it was.
It was a time where I went fromlike feeling like I was running
on a treadmill to like hittinga brick wall and then so from
there I had to really learn likewhere my new balance was, you
(38:11):
know, balance was you know.
And then I wanted to make sure,like when I did start, you know
, doing the things that I loved,again, I'm doing it from the
right reasons.
I'm not doing it because Ithink I I want to just help
someone else.
No, I'm doing this because Ilove to do this.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (38:29):
I do know what you mean, but I'm I'm interested to
know like.
But I'm interested to know like.
I get questions on how do Iknow what's right for me.
I get questions like I'mfeeling this emotion.
It's very uncomfortable, Idon't want to be here, how do I
(38:50):
get past this?
And my answer is always theonly way through it is through
it.
Speaker 2 (38:55):
It's through it.
Speaker 1 (38:56):
I'm sorry, I can't give you.
Speaker 2 (38:58):
There's nothing else and that's the best.
That's the best advice.
I started reading all thesebooks.
You Can Heal your Life byLouise Hay.
Emotional Alchemy Forgot Tarasomething?
Emotional Alchemy forgot Tarasomething.
Emotional Alchemy is an amazingbook.
I started reading you know,being the Narcissist Nightmare
(39:21):
all of these self-help it's Notyou by Dr Romney.
So many books and through allof them they're telling you the
same message and through all ofthem they're telling you the
same message.
You are putting off yourhealing without actually feeling
those feelings.
(39:41):
If you're feeling down andyou're feeling depressed, no
matter what that looks like.
One day for me it meant sittingin my backyard and putting my
feet in the grass.
Another day it meant notgetting out of bed.
Another day it meant sitting inmy backyard and putting my feet
in the grass, and another dayit meant not getting out of bed.
Another day it meant taking mydaughter on for a walk or
cleaning my house incessantly,like because I didn't do
(40:02):
anything for three weeks.
Now I'm like ah, and I'm likeanxious, and that's what I
needed to do that day.
Speaker 1 (40:10):
Right.
So you leaned into what youfelt you just needed to do in
that moment.
Speaker 2 (40:17):
Listening.
I think the biggest thing isthat we listen to others and we
really don't even tap intoourselves to even ask ourselves
what am I feeling?
Or if I have asked myself or Iam identifying, this is what I'm
feeling, what do I need?
And then giving yourselfpermission and making it okay
(40:40):
with you that this is what'shappening.
Because if you still have thatvoice in the back of your head
telling yourself, well, youshouldn't be doing this or this
shouldn't be happening, you knowit's going to be hard to then
give yourself permission andconsciously you can say, yep,
I'm giving myself permission todo this thing, but you kind of
(41:02):
also in your mind, have to tellthat thing You're not real and
get out of here.
Speaker 1 (41:14):
One thing that I did with that thing that you're
talking about that is I gave ita name, so separate from my own
name, and naming it actually myfiance came up with it.
I don't know where he came upwith Carlita, but Carlita is her
name and making Carlitaseparate from me helped so much
because I would be like Carlitatoday is not your day, Okay, but
(41:39):
then also understanding thatCarlita is there because she
wants to be heard, she needs tobe heard.
And there are times where youhave to sit with Carlita and
it's such a difficult thing tonavigate, especially on your own
, because you really have tocome from.
We come from this place wherewe do not trust ourselves at all
(42:04):
.
There's the shame, there's theguilt of what we have
experienced.
We've been told that we'rewrong in so many different ways.
We can never seem to make thatperson happy.
We're always having to think 10steps ahead to telling yourself
that you have to trust yourself.
That is such a confusing timeas a survivor.
(42:31):
And it's like learning how to do.
That is like we've been talkingabout.
It's slowing down, but alsosomething that I want to talk
about with you, because you saidyou know, like I check in with
myself, I ask myself what I need.
One thing that was reallydifficult for me is I did not
feel like I was in my body atall, in my body at all.
(42:53):
I had to spend a very long timepracticing coming back into my
body, and how I would do thatwould be I would lay in bed at
night and I would stare at theceiling.
I would feel like I was likehovering above my own body and I
would just ask myself to comeback in.
As wild as that sounds, I wouldalways feel like I had all this
(43:22):
electricity in my body that wasnot allowing me to be calm.
I don't know if that'srelatable, but oh, oh, my gosh.
Speaker 2 (43:30):
You know it's a protective mechanism.
It's a protective mechanismthat I have utilized more as a
child, I think in my adult life.
Speaker 1 (43:45):
Okay, I guess we're going to do this.
We're going to request astep-by-step handbook for
healing.
It's going to look somethinglike this One realize you're not
okay.
Step two cry.
Step three lay down for a while.
Step four take a walk, touchgrass, I don't know.
Step five cry again and thenrinse and repeat as needed, but
(44:08):
for real, trying to be stillwhen your body knows nothing
besides chaos.
That's advanced level healing.
It is so freaking difficult andchecking in with yourself after
abuse isn't easy, because it'snot just about like, what do I
(44:28):
need?
It's about asking yourself andfeeling that gut feeling of like
can I even trust that this isactually what I need?
Can I trust myself right now?
And when I talk about thatelectricity in your body, that's
like if you identify with thatfeeling, I look at it as that's
(44:52):
just your nervous systemscreaming like hey, we are still
in danger, even when the dooris locked, even when the house
is quiet, even when you know,like I knew, that I was safe.
And it takes so much intention,so much stillness, so much
quietness to say come back,you're safe now.
(45:14):
Quietness to say come back,you're safe now.
And let's be honest, beingselfish in a healing season is
the most radical thing you cando.
Someone told me yesterday it's49% selfishness, 51%
selflessness in your healingprocess, and it makes so much
(45:38):
sense, especially when you weretrained to put yourself dead
freaking last.
You were not worthy of theself-care.
If you did that, that meantthat you could be coming home to
yourself and you could realizeall of the messed up things that
they were doing to you.
They had to keep chaos in yourlife to keep you distracted from
(46:02):
what they were doing.
So if you're listening to thisand you felt that buzzing in
your chest or your guilt forneeding a break, be selfish.
Speaker 2 (46:23):
It is needed in your time of healing.
I have very much stayed in mybody, um, and, and because of
that, your body, kind of I'm notgonna say your, but your our
bodies are always taking thescore.
No matter what we're goingthrough emotionally, mentally,
it's going to show in our bodies.
But I remember specifically asa child, having a few situations
where I left my body and I wasseeing what was happening.
(46:47):
When I think and I rememberthose situations I'm not
remembering it from the vantagepoint that I experienced it I
actually remember seeing myselfover my dad's shoulder, right
Like.
I remember hiding behind my momand seeing my dad beat on a
(47:12):
little girl in the bushes overthere and seeing my dad beat on
a little girl in the bushes overthere.
Speaker 1 (47:21):
But when I think back to that time, it's not
happening to me.
Where do you think you went?
You just went somewhere from adifferent point of view.
Speaker 2 (47:33):
For me.
I went to a place I made up inmy mind.
I went with the, I went withthe individuals that were around
.
So I remember being behind mymom and peering around my mom's
leg and seeing what washappening.
And the second time thathappened, as a child, I was
(48:17):
sitting also on the steps withmy brothers because it's
interesting, I wasn reallyhappening and I remember them
counting the slashes that I wassupposed to be counting and I am
telling you I would have neverhad that information.
And when we were adults we weretalking about it and then I
(48:40):
told them what I remember fromthat and they were like but how
do you know that?
You weren't with us, youweren't next to us to have known
that that happened.
Farrah, how do you even knowthat?
And they never told me thatbefore that.
They were actually counting theslashes.
I was like, oh no, I rememberyou guys were on the stairs and
running up and down and sittingthere for a while and counting
(49:05):
27, 28, 29, 30 and running backup like, oh girl.
So I was.
The punishment was disrobe, holdon to your ankles and I'm going
to give you 10 slashes with myleather belt and you're going to
(49:29):
count all 10.
And if you let go of yourankles or stop counting, I'm
going to start over at zero.
And he was laying into me withall of his strength how old were
you?
Ten?
I was ten, and of course I meanhe was giving me an impossible
(49:53):
task.
Of course I was going to let go.
I'm screaming in pain andgrabbing my rear end Right and
we're starting over, and I washit over 100 times with a belt
that day.
I've experienced things noadult should have to experience
(50:15):
as a child.
My son is nine, so I pictureyeah my daughter's eight years
old and I couldn't, I couldn't.
The thought of that happeningto her probably will make me
ball, more than actually whathappened to me, because you know
, but um, oh my gosh, I I'vereally never told too many
(50:44):
people about that, um it's okay,you don't have to.
Speaker 1 (50:53):
You don't have to say anything if you don't want to.
Pharaoh was 10 10, the same ageas my son.
Right now I don't know that Ihave the right words for this
(51:14):
break, but I think that this isjust one of those moments where
we just pause, because sometimesthe deepest form of witnessing
is silence.
It's just sitting with someone,it's letting their truth echo
(51:35):
uninterrupted, so the weight ofit can be felt in full yeah, no,
I'm trying to find my, my, mythought, the points I was making
(51:55):
um, okay, what?
about um, um.
We haven't really given ourlistener any kind of background
oh my, my gosh, you're right asto what you have experienced and
(52:16):
we don't have to go into it toomuch.
But one thing that you said thatI was interested in knowing was
you said I honestly cannotremember when I started
experiencing DV.
It was in the home I grew up in, which is what we're talking
about now.
I was so young when it started.
I literally cannot remember thefirst time I experienced
(52:38):
physical abuse.
This was my life.
My question is, even though youdon't know the first time, how
old do you think you were?
Or do you remember the timethat you first were?
Like wait a minute, this isn'tnormal or safe.
Speaker 2 (53:01):
So it's tough because so much of the culture that
both my parents were raised in,corporal punishment was okay.
So you know, a pop in the hand,a spank, was very normalized.
(53:23):
I'm sorry, go ahead.
Speaker 1 (53:24):
Well, you had said something also in your story
which made me wonder, becauseI'm not familiar, but you said
in your Haitian culture is thiscorporal punishment part of
Haitian culture?
I tried to read into this alittle bit just so I could
(53:44):
understand, and I saw that shamewas, was big if something were
to happen, especially like apregnancy that you had said, and
a lot of that will reflect backon the parents.
So is that the punishment,something that the parents would
do because of the Haitianbelief system?
Speaker 2 (54:08):
Is that what that was .
I think it's deep.
I think it's deep rooted inancestral things because of just
our history, and I will sayit's not every Haitian household
, because now that I'm older andI am, you know just more I've
had more experience with morepeople.
I have met some Haitian peoplethat were like, oh my God, my
(54:32):
parents would have never puttheir hands on me.
Speaker 1 (54:35):
I think that's for every culture, like we evolve
and heal and we heal our lineage.
Speaker 2 (54:41):
Exactly, Exactly so.
But I will say that in mostHaitian households, if kids are
getting spanked, it's prettynormal.
Now, my dad, my stepdad, whowas, who is and was, who was,
you know, one of my firstabusers.
(55:03):
He, he's white, he didn't growup in a Haitian household, but
(55:29):
in his household there was alsoa lot of abuse, but it wasn't so
.
For my mom, spanking was verynormal.
My dad, you know, in hishousehold there was a point in
time he started carrying aroundlike a crowbar to keep himself
safe against his father Right,and so it's deep.
And I remember, a few monthsago I saw a picture of him when
he was a baby and it broke myheart because I'm like, oh, look
at this little boy.
That was hurt.
Speaker 1 (55:44):
Right, we're all born with clean slaves.
Speaker 2 (55:47):
Oh, of course you know, and it has me looking at
him in a different light becauseyou know, when you look at
someone and you can see thatchild in them, it has me feeling
even different today.
But so what blurred the lineswas my mom spanking was okay,
(56:11):
redirecting children and using,you know, maybe a belt because
they did something really,really bad might have been okay.
One, you know she, she mighthave known certain isolated
things that happened, but shereally had no idea to the extent
.
So, yes, I, I could have beenthree years old and got popped
(56:44):
in my hand.
I could have been four yearsold getting spanked in my, my,
my, my bottom Right.
Have been four years old,getting spanked in my bottom
right, because this was verynormal to redirect a child, even
though for me now I'm like Inever use my hands with my
children ever.
And my daughter, I think shewould bust back.
So there's that too, and I'mbeing very honest with you.
(57:09):
She's very autonomous.
I'm very proud of her for that.
Yeah, but she's very autonomous.
She matches energy real quick,real quick.
But also she got that from mebecause I also was the child
that would not just take it.
A lot of why I got in troublewas because I was the one to
(57:33):
speak up and say this wasn'tright.
So you asked me about when wasthe time that I really realized
that something wasn't okay?
Probably when I started talkingto my siblings after getting
punished like yo.
That wasn't right, and I reallycan't even tell you at what age
I started doing that, becauseit was.
(57:55):
It seemed like it was alwaysthere.
But I think around 11, I wouldsay around 10, 11, 12, when I
started playing softball is whenI really started using my voice
more openly and I startedchallenging my stepdad I would
(58:21):
say around 12, 13 started reallystarted challenging.
But I remember when I was wewere really young and one of my
brothers were like yo, you wouldbe Kunta and it's related to
the movie Roots and there wasthe slave that refused to be
(58:43):
called Toby and he's like yo,that's you he's like.
And he told me he was like justsay Toby, he was like, he's
like they're the adults, they'regoing to win.
So why don't you're making iteasier on yourself and just say
Toby and he was talking, ofcourse, and and and go just to
be like listen, just roll overand take it, like why are you
(59:05):
even like trying to fight back?
And I remember telling him thenI mean F that I remember I told
him I was like fuck that, no,that's not right what they're
doing.
And you know, as long as I havea voice, this is what we're
going to be going through.
And a lot of my healing I waslike, oh my gosh, yeah, I like I
(59:27):
.
Yeah, that was me.
Yeah, I like I, yeah, that wasme.
Speaker 1 (59:30):
This is such a powerful visual for me.
When Farrah's brother relatedher to Kunta and Roots and if
you know the movie, you know thereference then you understand
the weight of that it wasn'tjust a nickname that he was
(01:00:01):
giving her, it was anacknowledgement of her refusal
to break, of her unwillingnessto silence herself in the face
of brutality, chills.
Her siblings told her to makeit easier for herself to stop
fighting.
And for some, survival did meanstaying quiet.
It did mean backing down.
It did for me, and that's okay.
But Farrah's path was different.
(01:00:24):
Even as a child she had that,that knowing that what was
happening was wrong, and sherefused to shrink for anyone.
This is the part of healing thatwe don't talk about enough.
(01:00:47):
How early on so many of us knew.
We knew that something waswrong, even if we didn't have
the words for it yet, even if wecouldn't call abuse what it was
at the time.
We had that gut feeling, thatinner knowing.
And how often were you punishedfor speaking out about it, for
(01:01:17):
daring to name it out loud?
You had that understanding andthat knowing and you were never
wrong.
And I think that's a reallyimportant part about coming home
to yourself in survivorship.
It's listening to that piece ofyou again and knowing that all
(01:01:40):
along you had your own answersand it is okay and safe to trust
yourself now.
Speaker 2 (01:01:47):
I didn't just lay down and take it, because so
much of how I saw myself in mylast relationship I'm like, how
did you take all of this?
And then I had to remember wait, I was going through some
things, but I wasn't an easy.
It wasn't.
It wasn't an easy time for him.
It just wasn't like, oh, dothis.
And there were very, there weremany times where I was using my
(01:02:09):
voice and there were very,there were many times where I
(01:02:30):
was using my voice, that littlegirl to then, you know, fighting
my stepdad and we all of asudden were having fistfights
and he's having bloody noses andyou know I can see my brother
in back of him, like holding aglass bowl, just waiting, just
waiting for the opportunitybecause he knows he's going to
protect his sister.
(01:02:52):
I went from that home situationto then looking for love.
15 years old, my grandfatherjust had died a few months
before.
He was one of my best friends.
I'm looking for love.
I no longer have that maleenergy because you know my
biological father didn't have agreat connection relationship
(01:03:13):
with him and you know this wasmy stepfather that was doing
this.
Right, my dad.
But you know I we didn't dostep any of that.
He was just my dad and he alsoraised me since I was in diapers
.
So in very much way he's my dad, he's my dad.
So once my grandfather passedaway a few months later you know
now I'm on you know the AOL wasbig and you know the chat rooms
(01:03:36):
and whatnot.
That's where I met my son'sfather and you know, it's just
so happened, divine timing,divine placement that his cousin
was my brother's best friend,so where it was very new, and
people were like, oh my God, youmet him online and at that time
they were thinking I was crazy,right, because it's what?
(01:03:59):
2002?
Right, it's 2002.
So you know we had made thatmutual connection that we knew
the same people and we met andyou know he was 17.
I was 15.
He had gone through his ownthings in his childhood and had
ill-equipped coping mechanisms,was very abusive himself and we
(01:04:23):
were in a 12 year marriagetogether, 10 years to two years
for us to get divorced.
But through that time, you know, went through physical,
emotional, mental, financial,sexual abuse.
I went through it all with him,you know.
And it got to the point when myson was 10 years old, and you
(01:04:46):
know there was an argument inthe house and it was crazy, and
my son comes and sits on the bedand he's like, yeah, why are we
here?
Speaker 1 (01:04:56):
Why do we live here?
Why?
Speaker 2 (01:04:57):
are we going through this?
And I was like you know what?
I don't have a good answer foryou right now, but give me 60
days, give me two months andwe're out of here, I promise you
.
I told him that.
I said I promise you and wewere literally out within the 60
(01:05:19):
days.
I told my mother-in-law at thetime.
I'm like listen, I'm going tobe finding an apartment.
I have to get out of here.
I've got to go.
This is just not healthy.
I'm not doing this anymore.
And she mocked me.
Speaker 1 (01:05:29):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (01:05:30):
Farrah, you're always moving out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, where are yougoing?
Right into the living room, youain't going nowhere.
I said, okay, came home oneSaturday was like, oh I signed
my lease and I'm out.
Speaker 1 (01:05:43):
I love that quality in you.
I used to have that quality.
I'm still trying to find itpost abuse.
But I remember people saying tome, just because I went into a
male dominated field when I wasin school, people always saying
to me oh, you know that you canonly make it so far on yada,
yada, yada, and I would be likewatch me.
Speaker 2 (01:06:05):
Watch me, watch me work, watch me.
Thank you, that is such a goodquality.
Speaker 1 (01:06:11):
But I think that, like I hope that the listener is
really painting a picture ofyour spirit, because you have
such a fighting spirit and youhave this.
I hope you talked aboutimposter syndrome, but I
sincerely hope that you don'tever let yourself have the issue
of taking up space again,because you are big and you're
(01:06:31):
bright and in the what we'vebeen talking for 45 minutes like
, in that 45 minutes, I can tellthat you're big and you're
bright and you deserve to shineand you have a fighting spirit,
and that alone not only is goingto aggravate people who are
abusive and narcissistic, likeyour dad and your exes, but that
(01:06:54):
also heals so many people.
Speaker 2 (01:06:58):
Yeah, I'm learning.
Yeah, I'm learning.
I'm giving myself permission tobe, you know, because there was
no break in between thesesituations.
You know, I went straight fromliving in my parents' house to
then moving in with my son'sfather and after, you know, I
(01:07:19):
got that apartment, six monthslater I met my daughter's father
and then we entered the realmof BDSM, master and slave, poly
relationships and it wasn't justcontrolling me, it was he was
controlling.
You know, at one time, four,four women, Three of us sister
(01:07:41):
wives moved into the hometogether with him, but I was in
that relationship for eightyears.
Speaker 1 (01:07:47):
You don't always get a break in between your storms.
Farrah didn't go from survivalto healing.
She went from one abusiverelationship right into the
other and that's not failure,that's actually reality for so
(01:08:07):
many of us.
I mean, I went straight from anabusive relationship and into
an abusive workplace and Ididn't see it until it was too
late and I already felt like Itook a million steps back in my
healing process.
But what stands out for me hereisn't her pain, it's her pivot.
Isn't her pain, it's her pivot.
(01:08:28):
The moment where she looked ather son and she said give me 60
days.
And she kept her word.
She moved.
That is her power, that is amotherhood, that is a backbone
(01:08:54):
and that is breaking cycles inreal time.
And I love when she said thatshe's learning to give herself
permission to just be, because,after abuse, learning that
you're allowed to take up space,learning that you're allowed to
exist in all of your fullbrightness, that you're allowed
to want more.
It's not easy, but it'severything.
(01:09:18):
And if you've ever askedyourself the question like why
do I keep ending up here, it'snot that you're failing, it's
that you haven't woken up yet,it's that you haven't allowed
(01:09:39):
yourself the time to sit witheverything that's happened to
you and to honor your space,space and your life experiences,
to heal yourself, to loveyourself.
But once you wake up to that,how badass and bright you are,
(01:10:02):
you will never be able to unseeit, and that's when everything
(01:10:24):
starts to change.
If you thought this episode waspowerful, we are just getting
started, because next week, inpart two, we're going to dive
deeper into the chapters thatwill leave you speechless.
I'm talking BDSM dynamics, polyrelationships and the moment
(01:10:44):
that she realized she wasn'tjust surviving abuse.
She was actually being pulledinto something that looked and
felt like a cult yeah, a cult.
The next part is wild, but it'salso such a powerful
exploration of what it means towake up, to take your life back
(01:11:07):
and to start healing on your ownterms.
If this episode hit home for you, please don't forget to rate,
review, share, subscribe.
I always feel weird and awkwardasking you to do those things,
but it truly does help bringthese stories to the victims and
(01:11:30):
survivors who need them, whoneed them most, who feel that
they're so alone in theirhealing journeys, who feel that
they're so alone in the abuseand they don't know how to get
out.
They just need proof thatsomeone else survived something
similar to them, to give themhope, to give them power, to
give them validation, to feelseen and to feel heard, to know
(01:11:54):
that they're not alone.
And that's what we're doinghere.
We're saying hey, you're notalone, we see you, we hear you
and we're healing together.
So next week I'll see you inpart two and until then,
(01:12:16):
remember the world is a betterplace because you are in it.
Thank you.
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