May 16, 2025 • 47 mins
Sophie shares her harrowing journey through an abusive relationship, revealing how control intensified during pregnancy and after childbirth. Her powerful testimony illustrates the invisible wounds of psychological abuse and the strength it takes to reclaim freedom.
• Recounting labor and childbirth when her abuser refused to wake up, flirted with another woman, and abandoned her for hours
• Describing postpartum control including being forced to sleep on the couch with her newborn and maintain silence
• Explaining how she developed PTSD after a knife incident and couldn't use knives for a full year
• Discussing how trauma affects memory formation, causing fragmented recollection of abuse
• Detailing the cycle of leaving and returning, and how abusers often escalate after reconciliation
• Sharing how connecting with other survivors through the Survivor Sisterhood provided validation
• Highlighting how abusers' behavior is not excused by substance use
• Offering hope that freedom is possible with the message "one day you will feel the sun on your face again"
If you're ready to start your healing journey or need a safe place where your story is understood, join the Survivor Sisterhood, our private Facebook community built by survivors for survivors. The link to join is in the show notes.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Welcome back to Dismissed True Stories.
This week we're digging deeperinto part two of Sophie's story.
But before we begin I just wantto say two things.
One I see you with those fivestar reviews.
Thank you so much.
When I first started thisproject, that's all I really
wanted was to help othersurvivors feel validated and
less alone and to help victimsleave, and it really does mean
(00:37):
so much that you're rating thispodcast so highly.
It's helping reach othersurvivors across the globe and
that's huge, huge.
Think of how that review couldhelp another woman potentially
save her own life, and it reallyis such a ripple effect.
And number two in editing this,I realized that I truly am my
(01:01):
mother's daughter.
I sigh a lot and I think it'sjust a way that, like maybe I
regulate myself when I'm hearingsomething that is stressful and
a little overwhelming to me.
So I noticed that.
I just want to let you know.
I'm sorry about that, butthanks, lori, so much for that
(01:24):
characteristic of mine.
So last week on Dismissed TrueStories, we began the powerful
and heartbreaking story ofSophie, a survivor from the UK
who bravely opened up about thehidden layers of her abusive
relationship.
She shared how it began, withlong-distance charm, subtle
control and love bombing, ofcourse, how he mirrored her
(01:46):
wants and needs so well that shefelt like she found her perfect
match.
But underneath the charm wassomething far more dangerous.
We talked about how he slowlytook over her space without
consent.
How he used manipulation andgaslighting to keep her confused
sound familiar manipulation andgaslighting to keep her
(02:08):
confused, sound familiar.
And how the cycle of abuse kepther stuck, even after
terrifying moments like beingstrangled and then expected to
go to a barbecue right afterlike nothing had happened.
And this week, in part two, wedig a little deeper.
Part two we dig a little deeper.
We're going to talk about howthe abuse escalated, how it
(02:29):
affected her sense of self andwhat it took to finally break
free.
Sophie's story is one that willstay with you, and I'm honored
to hold space for her as sheshares it.
Let's get into it, okay, sowalk me into what happened
(03:07):
afterwards.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
So I had my child, but it wasn't the nicest.
I mean, it was better than somepeople's.
But I went into labor at 1.30in the morning and it took him
till 4.30, 5 o'clock to wake up.
I like went in.
I was like I'm in labor.
He was like go away, I've beento, went in and I was like I'm
in labour.
He was like go away, I've beento work today.
I'm like I'm in labour.
(03:28):
I'm literally in labour.
At this point I'm in the topfloor apartment.
Still at this point I have notmoved because I haven't been
able to now and I'm like if Idon't get out, I'm going to be
having a baby in here.
And I was feeling so alone.
I genuinely just rememberfeeling just like that's that,
(03:51):
like I'm going to be alone doingthis.
Do you know what I mean?
And then he this definitelyhappened, but he always says it
didn't.
But he took me to like what youcall a gas station, yeah, and to
get some gas for the car, yes.
Of what you call I'm gonna tryto do an american version now
that's okay, because we havelisteners in the uk.
(04:12):
So what is it as well?
So like we call it fuel, fueland you put gas, so that's that.
And he went in there and he 110was flirting with the woman
behind the cashier, behind thecounter, like in front of me,
and he comes out and he sitsnext to me.
He went oh, here, I got yousome chocolate brownies.
I'm like I'm in labor right now.
I just want you to go in andget the fuel and go to the
(04:34):
hospital.
And I was like you were clearlytalking to that woman and he
was like, oh, don't be like that.
And I'm like I just saw him.
He was flirting because I knewthat to look, because he did it
with me.
So I was like he's likecompletely trying to gaslight me
in labor.
That happened, um, but yeah, Igo into labor and I have the
(04:56):
first nurse.
It's really lovely, like firstmidwife, really lovely.
Then I get this next one who'son agency, and she's like you
better be quite quick because Iwant to go home.
I've got stuff to do and I'mlike this is not happening.
So I'm happy.
Like this is.
I was like this is the worstkind of thing I could have.
He's with me for a bit.
He goes out the room and hesays he's going to get coffee
(05:19):
and in my mind it felt like anhour and I looked at this
midwife and I said how long hashe been gone?
And she went an hour and a half.
He'd been gone for an hour andI looked at this midwife and I
said how long has he been gone?
And she went an hour and a half.
He'd been gone for an hour anda half.
It felt like it and it was hecome back and he went.
Oh, I just got a coffee.
He had no coffee in his hand.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
He went and drank it somewhere else.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
I don't know where he'd gone, I don't know, but he
came back and I had my child.
Within 20 minutes of having mychild, he went.
He literally was like I'm gonnago home and like I had an
animal.
So he said he was gonna checkon it, um, and tidy up.
That was what he said.
Um, he didn't come back for fiveand a half hours, um, and I've
got these hospital people sayingto me, like we need you to go
(05:57):
because your bed's like prettymuch you need to go, like you're
fine to go home.
So I'm thinking where is?
He, comes and collects us, um,and he takes us back and I still
remember this um, the house isa tip, like a proper, like it's
not been cleaned, um, andthere's washing up on the side
and I thought you're joking.
But you said, um, there you go,go and do the washing up.
(06:19):
And he wasn't joking, he, hemade me do the washing up and
then he went.
I'm going to bed now, um, don'twake me up.
And I honestly slept for aboutthree, four months on a sofa,
literally with a baby um in theliving room.
I wasn't meant to make noise oranything with this baby.
Bear in mind, it's a baby.
Um, because he was like alwayslike I've got work and even when
(06:41):
he didn't have work, it was Ineed to rest.
Yeah, it was bad and I was nothaving any sleep.
It also turned out my child waspremature and they had got his
weight wrong, so it gets worse.
It was like.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
it's like I felt very alone.
What Sophie describes here ismore than just disrespect.
It's more than just beinginconsiderate.
This is abuse, and it's a typeof abuse that many don't
recognize until it's happeningto them.
Postpartum control.
And just give me a second here.
(07:18):
I know this is the first breakof the episode, but I'm really
going to get on my soapbox.
Okay, he took the time gettingher to the hospital.
He stopped for gas, he flirtedwith someone else in front of
her while she was in labor andthen left her alone while she
was contracting, to quoteunquote get coffee.
This is not cluelessness.
In this instance it's control.
(07:41):
It's about saying, even in yourmost vulnerable moment, you are
not my priority.
And it doesn't stop once thebaby is born.
The day that she got home fromthe hospital, bleeding and in
pain and adjusting to life witha newborn, he made her clean the
house.
She wasn't allowed to sleep inthe bed.
She had to stay quiet.
(08:02):
She had to sleep on the couchwith a baby because he had to
work.
This is how abusers weaponizeeveryday life.
They take the moment thatshould be sacred, like bringing
a new life into the world.
I'm sorry, you probably justheard my dog, jump off the couch
and twist it into another wayto assert power.
(08:24):
And the worst part, so manysurvivors feel like they can't
speak up because motherhood onitself is already exhausting and
everyone around them is focusedon the baby anyway.
So if you're listening to thisand this sounds familiar, if
someone has made you feel smallduring one of the biggest
(08:44):
transitions of your life, pleaseknow that you are not
overreacting, you are not brokenand you are absolutely not
alone um, but yeah, it was quitehard because I felt like I was
then parenting him as well asparenting a child, if that made
(09:06):
sense.
As well as walking on eggshells.
Yeah, I know that as well oftrying to keep a child quiet as
to not upset the person thatyou're with, yeah, and that is a
terrifying position to be in.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
Oh, it is because the like the wall for living room
was there and then behind wasthe bedroom, so I'd be sat there
like feeding this baby and Iused to put american dad on
because it's got like laughterso it'd go loud when he'd cry or
moan or something and I'd belike thank god, and I remember
that.
That like, oh no, it's reallyhorrible, isn't it?
but that's like it really is um,because you, you don't want
(09:48):
that and you don't want them tocome out and get angry with you
or snap and also you're tired.
It's just not a nice situation.
But what's worse is that therewas there's no one to talk to
about that.
When you first have a baby,they're like oh yeah, that's
what happens when you first havea baby, like these sort of
things.
No, no, it's not.
If you're oh yeah, that's whathappens when you first have a
baby, like these sort of things,no, no, it's not.
If you're going through that,that's not normal and you need
(10:09):
help.
And you need to go to a midwifeand say I need help because
they shouldn't be like that.
They're either your partner orthey're not with you, and that's
simple, as they either want tobe the father or the partner of
that child or they just want tobe a single person.
Let them be a single person,because you're better off being
(10:32):
a single person, you will be.
You just don't know it at themoment.
That's what I wish I could havesaid back to myself.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
This, right here, is probably one of the hardest
truths that survivors have toface is that sometimes the
loneliest place that you can beis in a relationship with
someone who is supposed to loveyou.
You find yourself holding on sotightly, not just to this
(10:56):
person that you love, but to theidea of who they could be, and
it's devastating because you'regiving everything to someone who
keeps proving to you that theydon't want to do life beside you
, that they just want to controlwhat life looks like for you.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
I just had that.
I had that whole thought I'm onmy own.
But I was on my own and I wishI could go back and say you're
on your own now.
There's no difference, it'sjust.
You will be calm, you will beable to listen to birds outside.
Open the windows like littlethings, You'll be able to let
your child cry.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Yes, if you need to cry because they're hungry, cry
because they're uncomfortable,cry because whatever, and I
think that's part of likelearning.
Your child, too, is learningtheir different cries, and I
just to speak on this for asecond but that feeling that you
have years later as your childgrows and you reflect on your
(12:02):
pregnancy and I know for somewomen pregnancy is really
difficult and it's not somethingthat they enjoy at all but
there are certain things thatyou get from a partner from a
healthy partner that you're likedang, I was really cheated out
of so many experiences when Iwas pregnant that I definitely
(12:24):
deserved and that's verydepressing, I think, to think
about.
When you're like dang, like Ilove, I love my, my child so
much and I just really wish thatyou know, when I was carrying
he or she, that I could havereally sat in the moment, in the
(12:46):
miracle that is, you know,pregnancy, yeah, and you don't
feel like you get that in anabusive relationship yeah, I
really really relate to thatdefinitely.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
I think it's like other things.
Like you know, I for me it waswhen you see people and they're
like, oh, I can't wait, or likethe dad's really thrilled and
he's like, oh, I can't wait toput up the push chair or do the
car or paint something or makethe roof, like that sounds to
anyone who's had a normalrelationship.
That's like, wow, that's normal.
But that was something I neverhad and I really do feel that
(13:20):
like I miss.
I wish I'd had that.
Like, oh, I can paint a room,oh, I can do whatever I want.
But that was never like thatand it was always you couldn't
do it and you know it's.
It feels horrible, but like Ijust hope, like our children
learn from our experiences andthey won't have that in their
(13:40):
life.
If that makes sense, I hopethey all have.
Like, if they ever choose tohave children, I hope they have
a normal pregnancy, whether theyare, you know.
Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (13:47):
like I really hope it's normal well, it really does
end with us, because we'redoing the education with our
children, and I think it's justimportant to have conversations
with your children about what ahealthy relationship looks like,
because when you think aboutyour love compass, sometimes it
(14:08):
really does need to berecalibrated and you need that
example to look to or someone tojust teach you, because when
you think about it, at leastlike in American schools, I
don't ever remember having anykind of conversation like that
growing up, and I mean I didn'twith my parents either.
(14:29):
My parents never talked to meabout what relationships should
look like, and I think that it'sreally important and I know
that you are doing the educationin your home and I know that
there are so many othersurvivors and even victims who I
mean.
Reading when Things Collapse byImogene Rowan.
(14:54):
You just heard me mention thebook when Things Collapse by
Imogene Rowan.
If you haven't read it yet,definitely add it to your list,
especially if you're a survivoror someone who loves a survivor.
It is honest and validating anddeeply, deeply healing.
(15:17):
Trigger warning for that bookthere were so many things that
came up for me, as far asmemories go, while I was reading
that book, and there were somany times where I had to put it
down and just go and visitVictor in his office while he
was working and just sit on thefloor beside him and cry, just
(15:37):
because I didn't want to bealone.
That book is deeply impactfuland I am so excited to share
that.
Next season, emma will actuallybe joining us here on Dismissed
True Stories.
We're going to sit down andtalk about the work of healing
(15:58):
what abuse looks like, thecollapse, the rebuild and
everything in between.
The way that she finallydecided to just stop and talk to
her daughter and tell her thetruth, that broke me, because I
know that there are so manyvictims who have, who are also
parents, who have that momenttoo, and it's kind of
(16:19):
heartbreaking because it's likeyou feel like you're taking away
a certain amount of likeinnocence from your child by
letting them know that like thisis a real thing.
But it's a very importantconversation to have 110%.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
I mean, I've had that with my own mom because I
didn't have a good role modelsystem.
My dad was very abusive.
So this is where this was mynormal and this is the hardest
part.
This was my normal, um, becausemy dad never did anything with
me, anything with me, and so itkind of mirrored it.
I knew that wasn't right, but Iwas mirroring it because that's
(16:56):
all I knew.
But yeah, it's very importantto have those conversations and
I was 15 when I first met him.
I like I wish I could go backand say just think about it,
like, just think about it, thatperson may be your friend, but
you don't know everything aboutthem, as I discovered.
So it, that person may be yourfriend, but you don't know
everything about them, as I likediscovered.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
So yeah, yeah, you can hide a lot.
You can definitely hide a lot,especially like through social
media or just like that age gapum, yeah, and naivety.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
I mean I never thought you should put in
someone's full name and then putpolice record or put court
cases, things like that.
Yeah, I didn't ever think thatwas a normal thing to do.
Um, but yeah, that's somethingthat you don't think to do.
It's hard, but yeah, but yousaid about family thing.
Um, I had it really weird toother people.
(17:45):
So he never told me he had anyfamily really.
So he was adopted and a monthbefore I had my child, he
suddenly said he was speaking tohis parents.
And I was like what?
And it turns out he had adoptedparents and he hasn't spoken to
them in years and he just toldthem that I was having a baby.
And it was really crazy, yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
Did they react?
Did they decide to like be apart of it?
Speaker 2 (18:10):
Yeah, they actually are still in contact with us and
they don't speak to him at allbecause of the way he is, which
is really like weird.
This is very weird to mostpeople, um, but yeah, but I
thought this was really unusualbecause I've never had that
before.
But yeah, he literally um, saidthat and he didn't want to be
anything to do with my family,so I had a baby shower and he
(18:31):
never, he didn't want to go andmeet them and all that sort of
stuff.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Yeah, yeah, I, I get that.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
I experienced the same thing yeah, and then the
whole way through my baby showerwas messages, messages,
messages, messages.
Why aren't you responding?
Why aren't you responding?
But he didn't want to come.
It's like he even made me latefor that.
Actually, he said that my car,like the oil on my car, needed
full changing, like a full oilchange, and it really didn't.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
It really didn't wow, he really went above and beyond
.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
I know, right, right and it gets crazy.
He got a motorbike and he putit in the front of my living
room.
Stuff like that, like the mostextreme stuff, like when I was
working yeah, I know is like itwould happen, if that makes
sense.
So when I was distracted, youdo something.
Does that make?
Speaker 1 (19:17):
sense, yeah, it does it definitely does.
I see this type of abuse talkedabout often, and I've talked
about it in the ways that a lotof the times, it's not always
loud.
Sometimes it shows up in waysthat seem subtle or even petty,
but are deeply rooted in control.
(19:38):
We're talking about coercivecontrol and control through
confusion.
So it's like when Sophie's exrefused to go with her to her
baby shower but blew up herphone the entire time that she
was there.
Text after text, question afterquestion, little jabs or guilt
(19:59):
trips like are you having funwithout me?
Or who are you with?
And it's not because they missyou, it's because they want to
remind you that you're neverreally free.
Yeah, wow, I'm processing a lotwith you.
I know that we've talked abouta lot, but I'm still learning
(20:24):
about your release Sorry.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
I'm just teasing you.
There's a lot of things that I'mlearning about you during this
conversation, yeah, but it's alot of things like but it's like
I said over the last year, I'mlike speaking to other people,
I'm like, oh, that's not normal,that's really not normal.
But I classified that as normalbecause that's what I had.
And it was like I spoke to likethis police officer about stuff
(20:51):
and he looked at me like whathave you been through?
Like you could see it in hisface.
He was like he was horrified.
Yeah, it's like.
He's like don't are you okay?
Have you spoken to people?
I was like, yeah, I'm fine.
And they're like, oh gosh, oh,what about?
Speaker 1 (21:09):
okay, so I I feel like I I remember there was
something else that you told me,because you and I have had
conversations about PTSD, yeah,um, before, and I do remember
that there was something thatyou told me about the knife
incident.
Yes, yep, that's the one, doyou want?
Speaker 2 (21:30):
this point I had a four-month-old.
It's weird, again, I get thehaziness on it.
But this is a really weirdthing.
This song now comes on, I thinkI told you.
This song comes on when I'mgoing through really good or bad
parts of my life and it'sBittersweet Symphony by the
Verve, and it's very weirdbecause when I listen to the
(21:53):
lyrics it is pretty much my lifeand it's really weird and I
really relate to it.
But anyway, that song came onon the TV and I remember him
saying something about oh yeah,this video is really cool and I
don't know how they did it allin one take, but I don't know, I
just remember that part.
And then I don't know how itturned into it all, but it
literally was in like splitseconds.
He changed his pacing, he wasweird, um, and he grabbed a
(22:14):
knife and he pressed it up to mychest and he threatened to kill
me and I was like what ishappening?
But I don't like, because I'mgoing through the whole process
of I don't really remember allof the steps still, so like
sometimes I've listened back toit and I'm like that's what
happened, but I don't.
You know, I mean it's reallyhazy and weird, but that
happened.
And then I ended up havingextreme PTSD that I couldn't use
(22:38):
a knife for a year, like Icouldn't.
Every time I used a knife I'ddrop it or I'd panic Like I was
panicking.
I was going to stab myself byaccident because I was going
back to that process of that'swhat happened to me.
That's what happened to me.
Speaker 1 (22:49):
Let's talk about why so many survivors describe their
worst memories as hazy or foggy, scattered or incomplete.
It's because of how your brainactually works under trauma.
So when you're in a threateningsituation, like an abusive
relationship, your brainactivates its survival response.
(23:11):
We all know what those areFight, flight, fight, flight,
freeze and fawn, and during thatstate your brain's amygdala
goes into overdrive.
It's scanning for danger, butat the same time your prefrontal
cortex I apologize, the part ofyour brain that is responsible
for logic and decision-makingand memory processing it starts
(23:36):
to shut down.
So the result of that lookslike you don't form memories in
the same way.
Instead of being filed neatly inchronological order like a
story traumatic memories theyoften get stored as sensory
fragments.
They're like flashes of emotion, sound or physical sensation,
(23:59):
and you might remember howsomething felt, but not exactly
what was said.
This is something that I haveexperienced many times.
Or you might recall the momentsomething happened, but not what
came before or after.
I know that I shared.
I have a very fragmented memoryof like running outside of my
(24:19):
slippers and hiding in someone'sshed, but I don't know why or
what happened after, and this iswhy trauma memories can feel
hazy or out of order, and it'salso why, in some cases,
survivors don't remember partsof their abuse until months or
even years later.
It's actually this thing calleddissociative amnesia, and it's
(24:42):
well-documented as a protectiveresponse.
It's your brain literallysaying this is too much to
handle right now, so let me tuckthis away until we're safe
enough to process it.
Speaker 2 (24:57):
And it was kind of accepting it.
But it was even like I gave theknife to my mom that it
actually happened with, becauseI was like I just don't want to
see it.
I just don't want to see it.
But even that didn't stop it,like nothing was stopping it.
I could have used a differentknife, could use anything, and
it just wasn't working.
What worse is, at this pointI'm trying to wean a baby, so
obviously you need a knife tomash things up, and I'm there,
like using spoons, using forks,anything, rather than a knife,
(25:21):
and it was absolutely ridiculous, like I couldn't cut up the
basic stuff with a knife for ayear.
What did help, though?
I made myself do it.
I like remember one day beinglike no, you are gonna cut this
knife and cut with this knife.
And I just every day, slowly,even though I was fighting the
urge of like everything.
I made myself do it because Ispoke to like a therapist and
(25:43):
she wasn't a complex PTSD personand at the time I didn't know I
had that.
So she was like this is veryunusual PTSD.
And then, when I looked into itall and I actually got referred
to a better therapist, she waslike this is CPTSD Like this is
complex, this is reallysomething different.
But yeah, I had to make myselfdo it and that was the hardest
(26:04):
thing, because that's the thingthat my body is like no, no, you
don't go near it.
But I had to make myself gothrough the whole pick it up, do
it.
Pick it up, do it.
Um, exposure therapy yeah, butit wasn't good because obviously
I'm there terrified I'm gonnahurt myself by accident with a
knife, but yeah, wow.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
So I think it is important to talk a little bit
about exposure therapy here,just in case you haven't heard
about it.
So when Sophie shared that shecouldn't use a knife for a full
year after her abuser held oneto her chest, it made complete
sense, right?
Because that's how trauma works.
Our brains are wired to protectus.
(26:47):
So when something terrifyinghappens, especially something
life-threatening, our nervoussystem tags anything that is
associated with that asdangerous.
So in Sophie's case it was aknife, but for others it could
be anything like a song, a smell, a type of clothing, a certain
(27:07):
type of vehicle, the sound of adoor slamming.
And that's where exposuretherapy comes in.
It's a proven treatment forPTSD where you slowly and safely
reintroduce yourself to thetriggers until your brain learns
this thing is no longer athreat.
So it's not pretending that itdidn't happen.
(27:29):
It's about proving to your bodyhey, I'm safe now I survived
and I'm in control again.
Yeah, how did you get to thepoint of deciding that you were
done, that you were ready towalk away?
Speaker 2 (27:49):
I went through the whole standard of what I've
heard everyone does of liketrying to walk away about a
billion times, but it doesn'twork.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, I had it once where Istayed in a hotel and he came
back.
I had it once where I movedhouse and he came back.
It just felt like every time hecame back.
Does that make sense?
So it's got to a point now, likewhere I know I can't reply to
(28:13):
an email, I know I can't doanything because he will try and
love bomb me back, if that'sreally that's the truth of it
and I have to accept that.
Um, but the time that Iremember being like I don't want
to live with this would havebeen like two odd years ago now.
Um, and I just remember certainpoints, like things that I look
back on, that I'm like Iremember that he wouldn't open
(28:35):
the curtains in the morning andhe wouldn't get up to like one
o'clock in the afternoon and asimple thing like that.
But you're in darkness andyou're feeling darkness inside.
I remember feeling, like yousaid, like on eggshells and I
did not want that making himcoffees first thing in the
morning when I am dead becauseI've been up all night with a
child yeah, do you?
know what I mean.
(28:56):
Like, yes, I do, here you go,there's your supplies, but
where's mine, you know?
And not having to have, nothaving a shower, but being made
feel disgusting, disgustingbecause of that and stuff like
that, and I just rememberthinking, no, there's something
more to life than this.
And, um, I kind of slowlydrifted away, but he still used
(29:18):
the whole coming back in and,unfortunately, children I use a
lot in this and he would use thewhole.
I'm coming to see a child, um,you know, as an excuse, um, and
it's a hard one.
In that situation it's very hardto just go away and it's
something you don't necessarilywant them in your life.
(29:38):
For the rest of your life,unfortunately are, but in a
different way, if that makessense, because you don't have to
have them around you.
It's very hard for anyone who'sgoing through it.
You don't have to have themaround you.
It's really really, really hard.
I get that.
You don't, for yourself and foryour child self.
You don't need that.
Um, your child needs to see youin a better light, needs you at
your best and you being healthyand happy is the top priority.
(30:02):
Um, but yeah, I just rememberthinking like I told you.
I used to think this is nothealthy, this is not right, this
is safe.
I think it was like that sortof thing and I started sort of
seeing people say stuff onlineand I was like this sounds like
it.
Speaker 1 (30:18):
This sounds like it, the education piece, I think, is
something that is so importantfor so many victims who are
looking to leave, because onceyou know, you can't not know.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
Yeah, and then I started to learn.
Obviously he'd clearly gonethrough my messages.
I'd spoken to people before andI kind of clicked.
I had people that wouldn'tspeak to me anymore and I
realized he'd been messaging asme on accounts, things like that
.
Oh wow, to really click on, Ineed to be careful what I'm
(30:55):
messaging people, what I'msaying.
Um, it was a huge differentball game.
But when you get that innerstrength that you want to live
like, you go from that whole.
I remember thinking like, likeI said before, I looked out the
window and I was like I'm done.
I'm done like I'm done becauseI was just done with it.
You go from that to I want tosurvive.
When you go to, I want tosurvive, you will try and get
out as much as you can.
It's just the hardest part isleaving.
The hardest part is leaving.
(31:16):
But I equally think the hardestpart is then staying leaving,
because they'll always try toget you back some way or another
.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
I well, at least for me, every time that I would
leave and come back, it was likethe abuse got worse, because it
was almost like oh, I've gother and and now, like I can just
, I can just do whatever I want,because yeah she.
She can pretend and she can lieto herself and say that she's
gonna leave, but she's, she'llbe back, like that's how I
(31:45):
thought that the thought processwas and that's why I felt like
my abuse always got worse.
Yeah, like it would be a littlebit more bold, because she's
gonna stay yeah, and I felt likehe'd also learned my tactics.
That made sense, like you had,like I, unfortunately would go
through the whole process oflike zoning out you know, yes,
(32:07):
yes, yeah, and I think he knewwhen I was gonna go and he'd be
like she'll be back next weekright, and it's the process of,
like you leaving, and then themlove bombing you and saying
everything that they andtreating you the way that they
should have been treating youall along, and then then so
(32:28):
you're like, oh wow, things arereally different and he's
changed.
That is not your fault, though,for going back Like they're
just a chameleon and they can beanyone they want to be, but 99%
of the time, they are choosingchoosing to be abusive.
(32:49):
Yeah, think that.
Remember that, please.
Speaker 2 (32:52):
Yeah and also another thing is I always get asked
this was he on alcohol?
Was in drugs?
It does not matter.
That is not an excuse for abuseand I don't take that stance.
I've had so many people say tome if he was an alcohol, if you
know that doesn't matter whetherhe was or the person was or
wasn't.
That is them and you knowwhether you're on alcohol, drugs
(33:15):
, whatever else.
If you're gonna act like that,that is you and that is your
representation of you.
Unfortunately, that is them.
I just hate it when people willjustify it with stuff like that
.
I really hate it because I'vehad that so many times said to
me.
But was he on drugs?
I don't care if it happened.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
Well, I feel like it.
Um, it gets to a point whereyou're like it's kind of it's
invalidating of your ownexperiences.
Yeah, sophie touches on thevery reason why I started
reaching out to other survivorsin my own healing journey, and
it's because, in a lot of ways,I felt like healing from abuse
(33:55):
was sometimes worse than theabuse itself, and it's because
it feels extra isolating.
It's like people expect you towalk away and then be okay, and
that's not the case.
And one of the most painfulparts of surviving abuse isn't
just the trauma that you'velived through.
It's what happens when youfinally decide to start speaking
(34:17):
up and telling your story, whenyou find the strength to share
that story.
Instead of support, sometimesyou're met with why didn't you
just leave?
Wasn't he an addict, likeSophie said, or are you sure it
was really abuse?
They get the benefit of thedoubt You're an abuser.
You get dismissed.
They get excuses, you getsilence.
(34:40):
It's disgusting and so that'swhy little shameless plug I
created this Survivor Sisterhood.
It's a private group onFacebook of listeners of this
podcast who are looking fortheir survivor sister.
We've all experienced the samething in different fonts and
sometimes you just need anotherwoman to say hey, you know what.
(35:00):
I completely understand whatyou're going through.
If that feels like somethingthat you would be interested in,
the link to join is in the shownotes below.
I think it's a hurtful questionbecause it's a yes, but answer.
Speaker 2 (35:18):
But I just wanted to say that, because I don't think
anyone ever said that to me andI felt like you know, it does
make you feel like, oh well, hewas on this or she was on this
or whatever else, and no, that'snot OK.
It's still not OK, Like you andme we're not doing anything bad
, now are we.
It doesn't make it a good thingbecause you were doing
(35:40):
something bad.
If that makes sense, so yeah.
Speaker 1 (35:43):
Right, can we talk about for a quick second the
sisterhood and community andwhat that's done in our healing
journeys and for the both of us?
Yeah, of course we can.
You had sent me a message acouple of weeks ago that I was
(36:08):
like Sophie, don't make meemotional.
Speaker 2 (36:21):
Which one?
Speaker 1 (36:21):
was that how I was able to validate your
experiences?
And in talking with anothersurvivor and saying this is what
I've been through and even iftheir story isn't 100% aligned
with yours, we still understandand we still get it.
(36:46):
We know why you stayed, we knowhow you felt, and you were
telling me that the sisterhoodhas just, has just really helped
you, and how thankful you were,I was like don't make me cry.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
They did because, at the time, like I was starting to
see stuff and I was like thishas happened to me, this has
happened to me, oh, there'sanother person that's had it.
And then everything you wereputting on there.
I was like to see stuff and Iwas like this has happened to me
, this has happened to me, oh,there's another person that's
had it.
And then everything you wereputting on there I was like like
are you reading my mind?
Like this has happened to meand, um, whether it's exactly
the same or not, you always seemto see patterns of it.
Like the amount of people thatI've spoken to and they're like,
(37:23):
oh, yeah, my partner, he's notabusive, but but he has gone on
Tinder and he's done this, andhe's coercively done this.
And I'm like, yeah, but if youput it in a massive list, it is
abuse.
You just don't see it, becauseyou've just pinpointed one thing
and, unfortunately, if youspeak to the wrong people,
they're going to invalidate whatyou're feeling.
(37:44):
For instance, me, when I foundtheinder on his phone and I'd
gone on peanut, which is an app.
I don't know if you've got itin the US.
I think you have.
Yeah, and obviously, as a mom.
I'm like, yeah, I found this onthe um.
Is it common on this phone?
And I had three people thatclearly gone through the same
thing.
Do you know what?
My, my boyfriend's had thatlast week and he said that's so
common.
It gets accidentally downloadedon the phone.
(38:05):
And I'm there, gaslit by thesepeople.
Yeah, I'm there like, oh yeah,okay, this is not.
Speaker 1 (38:12):
My eye is twitching.
Speaker 2 (38:14):
There is literally speaking to people that are
being abused, just like me, andI'm starting to get gaslit by it
.
But obviously that wasn't thecase.
Clearly you downloaded Tinder,but you know that's just a
classic example.
If you find the wrong people,you're not going to get the
right answers, but finding youhas helped me so much, so yeah,
don't get emotional.
Speaker 1 (38:33):
Please don't get emotional.
Stop thinking no, I'm doingMorse code with my eyelashes.
What I said, I was doing itbecause I'm doing Morse code
with my eyelashes.
Speaker 2 (38:46):
What are you trying to tell me with your eyelashes?
They're very nice.
I don't know what you're tryingto tell me.
Speaker 1 (38:55):
Just the gaslighting that happened to, unfortunately,
those other women that then wasa ripple effect to you.
Yeah, it literally was.
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (39:05):
Because it's literally like three of us and
I'm like, oh, okay.
And now, looking back, I wish Icould find all those usernames.
I wish I could go back on thatsite and be like girls, are you
safe?
Are?
Speaker 1 (39:15):
you out of it, are you okay?
Yes, I can't.
Just a disclaimer Tinder hasnever randomly shown up on my
phone.
It doesn't do that.
Speaker 2 (39:25):
Stay with it.
Doesn't do that, stay with me.
It doesn't happen, you gottadownload it that's a choice, and
I think matching with someoneas well isn't an accident, but
you know interesting,interesting how that works.
Speaker 1 (39:44):
I guess a little shameless plug.
If you do, I'll put my websitein the show notes.
But thesurvivorsisterhoodcomyou can join the Sisterhood.
We are a group of survivors onFacebook who just interact with
each other, help, support eachother, share full circle moments
(40:05):
, share the things that we'restruggling with.
It's a beautiful place to beand it means a lot to me.
And if you feel alone and youreally need someone to chat with
, always hit up.
Sophie, you can join thesisterhood.
Like I said in the beginning,her contact information will be
(40:26):
in the show notes here as well,especially if you really
resonate with her story.
I said in the beginning, hercontact information will be in
the show notes here as well,especially if you really
resonate with her story.
Please, please, reach out toher or join the sisterhood.
We would love to have you.
Yeah, so one thing that I didin season one that really meant
a lot to me because I got somany different answers and I
(40:49):
love to think that somebody maysay something that's going to
plant the seed for a victimwho's looking to leave and
that's going to be that onepiece of information that sticks
with them.
So if there is someone who islooking to leave their
relationship um or their abusivesituation.
(41:10):
What is one piece of advicethat you would give them?
Speaker 2 (41:16):
a hard one, um.
You will get stronger, you willbe safe, but be careful along
the way, um, and eventuallyyou'll get where you need to be.
So, wherever you're aiming togo, aim for that, whatever it is
, even if it's the little thing,like I said, like opening the
(41:37):
curtains or, like you say, theart of noticing things.
You do notice a lot more things, um, but the main one for me is
I wish I could go back and tellmyself that one day you will
feel the sun on your face againand it will feel like the best
thing you've ever had.
So, if you are going through itand you are trying to leave, do
try and find the safest way andthink of that sun moment.
(42:00):
Honestly, you'll think it'ssilly, but the moment you have
that sun on your face and you'refree, it is like the best thing
in the world.
So please try your best andalways just try and stay safe at
the same time, because it'ssuch a hard time.
I know exactly how you'refeeling, so, yeah, thank you so
much.
Speaker 1 (42:17):
That was beautiful.
I think about the time that Ifelt the sun on my face and I
was.
I took myself out on a solo dateafter I left and I went to the
beach and watched the sunset andI just remember like feeling
emotional because I'm like, wow,these are like little moments
and pockets of joy that I shouldhave been able to have, that I
(42:40):
you know, if I did, I had tosteal those moments for myself
and now I'm fully able to justdo this because I want to.
That's such a beautiful feelingFreedom, freedom, freedom.
Okay Well, thank you so muchfor sharing your story.
(43:01):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (43:02):
I got to learn more about you and it's a brave thing
that's another thing is ifyou're in the uk and you're
going through it, um, you can doa claire's law.
That's what I ended up doingbut you have to be in the
relationship and it's reallyhard to do.
Um, I don't know if you've gotit over in the us.
It's like a law you can go tothe police and they can tell you
if your partner's ever done anydomestic abuse charges of any
(43:25):
kind.
It is really, really, it's good.
But if you can do it, you needsomeone with you, because I
didn't have anyone with me.
I didn't know you were allowedto and I really wish I had, but
that may help you.
Speaker 1 (43:37):
Sophie had touched on something called Claire's Law,
and in the UK, survivors haveaccess to something called
Claire's Law and it's a gamechanger for safety and
prevention.
Claire's Law is, and it's agame changer for safety and
prevention.
Claire's Law is officiallyknown as the Domestic Violence
Disclosure Scheme and it wasnamed after Claire Wood, a woman
(43:58):
who was unalived by herex-boyfriend in 2009.
And after her death, it wasdiscovered that he had this long
history of violence againstwomen.
That was something that Claireshe never knew about.
This law gives people the rightto ask the police whether their
current or former partner has ahistory of domestic abuse, and
(44:20):
it also allows police toproactively disclose that
information if they believesomeone is at risk.
So there are two parts to thislaw.
One part is the right to ask,meaning that anyone can request
information about theirpartner's past, and the second
(44:40):
part is the right to know, sopolice can choose to share that
information if they believe thatsomeone is in danger, even if
this person who may be in dangerhasn't asked.
It's not perfect, but it'spowerful.
It arms survivors and potentialvictims with knowledge, and
(45:01):
when it comes to abuse,knowledge can save a life, can
save a life.
Here in the US we don't havesomething that is like Claire's
law, but this law reminds us howimportant it is to take
someone's past behaviorseriously, especially when it
(45:22):
comes to the patterns of abuse.
Sophie's story is so much morethan just one survivor's
experience.
It's a mirror for so many of us.
I know that I relate so well toSophie's story, the patterns
(45:47):
that she's lived through, thecontrol, the gaslighting, the
isolation.
There are things far too manysurvivors know all too well.
But what makes this storypowerful isn't just the pain.
It's the clarity, the truth,telling the strength and saying
(46:08):
this is what happened and I'mstill standing.
I'm a survivor.
If this episode brought upsomething in you, please take
care of yourself.
And if you're ready to startyour healing, or if you just
want a safe place where yourstory is understood, I invite
you to join the SurvivorSisterhood, our private Facebook
(46:31):
community built by survivorsfor survivors.
The link to join is in the shownotes below.
You don't have to do this aloneand your story is valid and you
deserve to be seen and heardand healed.
Thank you for listening toDismissed True Stories, thank
(46:56):
you for giving the five-starreviews, thank you for helping
this podcast reach other victimsand survivors.
And until next time, keepspeaking your truth and remember
the world is a better placebecause you are in it.
(47:18):
Thank you.
Welcome back to Dismissed True Stories.
This week we're digging deeperinto part two of Sophie's story.
But before we begin I just wantto say two things.
One I see you with those fivestar reviews.
Thank you so much.
When I first started thisproject, that's all I really
wanted was to help othersurvivors feel validated and
less alone and to help victimsleave, and it really does mean
(00:37):
so much that you're rating thispodcast so highly.
It's helping reach othersurvivors across the globe and
that's huge, huge.
Think of how that review couldhelp another woman potentially
save her own life, and it reallyis such a ripple effect.
And number two in editing this,I realized that I truly am my
(01:01):
mother's daughter.
I sigh a lot and I think it'sjust a way that, like maybe I
regulate myself when I'm hearingsomething that is stressful and
a little overwhelming to me.
So I noticed that.
I just want to let you know.
I'm sorry about that, butthanks, lori, so much for that
(01:24):
characteristic of mine.
So last week on Dismissed TrueStories, we began the powerful
and heartbreaking story ofSophie, a survivor from the UK
who bravely opened up about thehidden layers of her abusive
relationship.
She shared how it began, withlong-distance charm, subtle
control and love bombing, ofcourse, how he mirrored her
(01:46):
wants and needs so well that shefelt like she found her perfect
match.
But underneath the charm wassomething far more dangerous.
We talked about how he slowlytook over her space without
consent.
How he used manipulation andgaslighting to keep her confused
sound familiar manipulation andgaslighting to keep her
(02:08):
confused, sound familiar.
And how the cycle of abuse kepther stuck, even after
terrifying moments like beingstrangled and then expected to
go to a barbecue right afterlike nothing had happened.
And this week, in part two, wedig a little deeper.
Part two we dig a little deeper.
We're going to talk about howthe abuse escalated, how it
(02:29):
affected her sense of self andwhat it took to finally break
free.
Sophie's story is one that willstay with you, and I'm honored
to hold space for her as sheshares it.
Let's get into it, okay, sowalk me into what happened
(03:07):
afterwards.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
So I had my child, but it wasn't the nicest.
I mean, it was better than somepeople's.
But I went into labor at 1.30in the morning and it took him
till 4.30, 5 o'clock to wake up.
I like went in.
I was like I'm in labor.
He was like go away, I've beento, went in and I was like I'm
in labour.
He was like go away, I've beento work today.
I'm like I'm in labour.
(03:28):
I'm literally in labour.
At this point I'm in the topfloor apartment.
Still at this point I have notmoved because I haven't been
able to now and I'm like if Idon't get out, I'm going to be
having a baby in here.
And I was feeling so alone.
I genuinely just rememberfeeling just like that's that,
(03:51):
like I'm going to be alone doingthis.
Do you know what I mean?
And then he this definitelyhappened, but he always says it
didn't.
But he took me to like what youcall a gas station, yeah, and to
get some gas for the car, yes.
Of what you call I'm gonna tryto do an american version now
that's okay, because we havelisteners in the uk.
(04:12):
So what is it as well?
So like we call it fuel, fueland you put gas, so that's that.
And he went in there and he 110was flirting with the woman
behind the cashier, behind thecounter, like in front of me,
and he comes out and he sitsnext to me.
He went oh, here, I got yousome chocolate brownies.
I'm like I'm in labor right now.
I just want you to go in andget the fuel and go to the
(04:34):
hospital.
And I was like you were clearlytalking to that woman and he
was like, oh, don't be like that.
And I'm like I just saw him.
He was flirting because I knewthat to look, because he did it
with me.
So I was like he's likecompletely trying to gaslight me
in labor.
That happened, um, but yeah, Igo into labor and I have the
(04:56):
first nurse.
It's really lovely, like firstmidwife, really lovely.
Then I get this next one who'son agency, and she's like you
better be quite quick because Iwant to go home.
I've got stuff to do and I'mlike this is not happening.
So I'm happy.
Like this is.
I was like this is the worstkind of thing I could have.
He's with me for a bit.
He goes out the room and hesays he's going to get coffee
(05:19):
and in my mind it felt like anhour and I looked at this
midwife and I said how long hashe been gone?
And she went an hour and a half.
He'd been gone for an hour andI looked at this midwife and I
said how long has he been gone?
And she went an hour and a half.
He'd been gone for an hour anda half.
It felt like it and it was hecome back and he went.
Oh, I just got a coffee.
He had no coffee in his hand.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
He went and drank it somewhere else.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
I don't know where he'd gone, I don't know, but he
came back and I had my child.
Within 20 minutes of having mychild, he went.
He literally was like I'm gonnago home and like I had an
animal.
So he said he was gonna checkon it, um, and tidy up.
That was what he said.
Um, he didn't come back for fiveand a half hours, um, and I've
got these hospital people sayingto me, like we need you to go
(05:57):
because your bed's like prettymuch you need to go, like you're
fine to go home.
So I'm thinking where is?
He, comes and collects us, um,and he takes us back and I still
remember this um, the house isa tip, like a proper, like it's
not been cleaned, um, andthere's washing up on the side
and I thought you're joking.
But you said, um, there you go,go and do the washing up.
(06:19):
And he wasn't joking, he, hemade me do the washing up and
then he went.
I'm going to bed now, um, don'twake me up.
And I honestly slept for aboutthree, four months on a sofa,
literally with a baby um in theliving room.
I wasn't meant to make noise oranything with this baby.
Bear in mind, it's a baby.
Um, because he was like alwayslike I've got work and even when
(06:41):
he didn't have work, it was Ineed to rest.
Yeah, it was bad and I was nothaving any sleep.
It also turned out my child waspremature and they had got his
weight wrong, so it gets worse.
It was like.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
it's like I felt very alone.
What Sophie describes here ismore than just disrespect.
It's more than just beinginconsiderate.
This is abuse, and it's a typeof abuse that many don't
recognize until it's happeningto them.
Postpartum control.
And just give me a second here.
(07:18):
I know this is the first breakof the episode, but I'm really
going to get on my soapbox.
Okay, he took the time gettingher to the hospital.
He stopped for gas, he flirtedwith someone else in front of
her while she was in labor andthen left her alone while she
was contracting, to quoteunquote get coffee.
This is not cluelessness.
In this instance it's control.
(07:41):
It's about saying, even in yourmost vulnerable moment, you are
not my priority.
And it doesn't stop once thebaby is born.
The day that she got home fromthe hospital, bleeding and in
pain and adjusting to life witha newborn, he made her clean the
house.
She wasn't allowed to sleep inthe bed.
She had to stay quiet.
(08:02):
She had to sleep on the couchwith a baby because he had to
work.
This is how abusers weaponizeeveryday life.
They take the moment thatshould be sacred, like bringing
a new life into the world.
I'm sorry, you probably justheard my dog, jump off the couch
and twist it into another wayto assert power.
(08:24):
And the worst part, so manysurvivors feel like they can't
speak up because motherhood onitself is already exhausting and
everyone around them is focusedon the baby anyway.
So if you're listening to thisand this sounds familiar, if
someone has made you feel smallduring one of the biggest
(08:44):
transitions of your life, pleaseknow that you are not
overreacting, you are not brokenand you are absolutely not
alone um, but yeah, it was quitehard because I felt like I was
then parenting him as well asparenting a child, if that made
(09:06):
sense.
As well as walking on eggshells.
Yeah, I know that as well oftrying to keep a child quiet as
to not upset the person thatyou're with, yeah, and that is a
terrifying position to be in.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
Oh, it is because the like the wall for living room
was there and then behind wasthe bedroom, so I'd be sat there
like feeding this baby and Iused to put american dad on
because it's got like laughterso it'd go loud when he'd cry or
moan or something and I'd belike thank god, and I remember
that.
That like, oh no, it's reallyhorrible, isn't it?
but that's like it really is um,because you, you don't want
(09:48):
that and you don't want them tocome out and get angry with you
or snap and also you're tired.
It's just not a nice situation.
But what's worse is that therewas there's no one to talk to
about that.
When you first have a baby,they're like oh yeah, that's
what happens when you first havea baby, like these sort of
things.
No, no, it's not.
If you're oh yeah, that's whathappens when you first have a
baby, like these sort of things,no, no, it's not.
If you're going through that,that's not normal and you need
(10:09):
help.
And you need to go to a midwifeand say I need help because
they shouldn't be like that.
They're either your partner orthey're not with you, and that's
simple, as they either want tobe the father or the partner of
that child or they just want tobe a single person.
Let them be a single person,because you're better off being
(10:32):
a single person, you will be.
You just don't know it at themoment.
That's what I wish I could havesaid back to myself.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
This, right here, is probably one of the hardest
truths that survivors have toface is that sometimes the
loneliest place that you can beis in a relationship with
someone who is supposed to loveyou.
You find yourself holding on sotightly, not just to this
(10:56):
person that you love, but to theidea of who they could be, and
it's devastating because you'regiving everything to someone who
keeps proving to you that theydon't want to do life beside you
, that they just want to controlwhat life looks like for you.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
I just had that.
I had that whole thought I'm onmy own.
But I was on my own and I wishI could go back and say you're
on your own now.
There's no difference, it'sjust.
You will be calm, you will beable to listen to birds outside.
Open the windows like littlethings, You'll be able to let
your child cry.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Yes, if you need to cry because they're hungry, cry
because they're uncomfortable,cry because whatever, and I
think that's part of likelearning.
Your child, too, is learningtheir different cries, and I
just to speak on this for asecond but that feeling that you
have years later as your childgrows and you reflect on your
(12:02):
pregnancy and I know for somewomen pregnancy is really
difficult and it's not somethingthat they enjoy at all but
there are certain things thatyou get from a partner from a
healthy partner that you're likedang, I was really cheated out
of so many experiences when Iwas pregnant that I definitely
(12:24):
deserved and that's verydepressing, I think, to think
about.
When you're like dang, like Ilove, I love my, my child so
much and I just really wish thatyou know, when I was carrying
he or she, that I could havereally sat in the moment, in the
(12:46):
miracle that is, you know,pregnancy, yeah, and you don't
feel like you get that in anabusive relationship yeah, I
really really relate to thatdefinitely.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
I think it's like other things.
Like you know, I for me it waswhen you see people and they're
like, oh, I can't wait, or likethe dad's really thrilled and
he's like, oh, I can't wait toput up the push chair or do the
car or paint something or makethe roof, like that sounds to
anyone who's had a normalrelationship.
That's like, wow, that's normal.
But that was something I neverhad and I really do feel that
(13:20):
like I miss.
I wish I'd had that.
Like, oh, I can paint a room,oh, I can do whatever I want.
But that was never like thatand it was always you couldn't
do it and you know it's.
It feels horrible, but like Ijust hope, like our children
learn from our experiences andthey won't have that in their
(13:40):
life.
If that makes sense, I hopethey all have.
Like, if they ever choose tohave children, I hope they have
a normal pregnancy, whether theyare, you know.
Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (13:47):
like I really hope it's normal well, it really does
end with us, because we'redoing the education with our
children, and I think it's justimportant to have conversations
with your children about what ahealthy relationship looks like,
because when you think aboutyour love compass, sometimes it
(14:08):
really does need to berecalibrated and you need that
example to look to or someone tojust teach you, because when
you think about it, at leastlike in American schools, I
don't ever remember having anykind of conversation like that
growing up, and I mean I didn'twith my parents either.
(14:29):
My parents never talked to meabout what relationships should
look like, and I think that it'sreally important and I know
that you are doing the educationin your home and I know that
there are so many othersurvivors and even victims who I
mean.
Reading when Things Collapse byImogene Rowan.
(14:54):
You just heard me mention thebook when Things Collapse by
Imogene Rowan.
If you haven't read it yet,definitely add it to your list,
especially if you're a survivoror someone who loves a survivor.
It is honest and validating anddeeply, deeply healing.
(15:17):
Trigger warning for that bookthere were so many things that
came up for me, as far asmemories go, while I was reading
that book, and there were somany times where I had to put it
down and just go and visitVictor in his office while he
was working and just sit on thefloor beside him and cry, just
(15:37):
because I didn't want to bealone.
That book is deeply impactfuland I am so excited to share
that.
Next season, emma will actuallybe joining us here on Dismissed
True Stories.
We're going to sit down andtalk about the work of healing
(15:58):
what abuse looks like, thecollapse, the rebuild and
everything in between.
The way that she finallydecided to just stop and talk to
her daughter and tell her thetruth, that broke me, because I
know that there are so manyvictims who have, who are also
parents, who have that momenttoo, and it's kind of
(16:19):
heartbreaking because it's likeyou feel like you're taking away
a certain amount of likeinnocence from your child by
letting them know that like thisis a real thing.
But it's a very importantconversation to have 110%.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
I mean, I've had that with my own mom because I
didn't have a good role modelsystem.
My dad was very abusive.
So this is where this was mynormal and this is the hardest
part.
This was my normal, um, becausemy dad never did anything with
me, anything with me, and so itkind of mirrored it.
I knew that wasn't right, but Iwas mirroring it because that's
(16:56):
all I knew.
But yeah, it's very importantto have those conversations and
I was 15 when I first met him.
I like I wish I could go backand say just think about it,
like, just think about it, thatperson may be your friend, but
you don't know everything aboutthem, as I discovered.
So it, that person may be yourfriend, but you don't know
everything about them, as I likediscovered.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
So yeah, yeah, you can hide a lot.
You can definitely hide a lot,especially like through social
media or just like that age gapum, yeah, and naivety.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
I mean I never thought you should put in
someone's full name and then putpolice record or put court
cases, things like that.
Yeah, I didn't ever think thatwas a normal thing to do.
Um, but yeah, that's somethingthat you don't think to do.
It's hard, but yeah, but yousaid about family thing.
Um, I had it really weird toother people.
(17:45):
So he never told me he had anyfamily really.
So he was adopted and a monthbefore I had my child, he
suddenly said he was speaking tohis parents.
And I was like what?
And it turns out he had adoptedparents and he hasn't spoken to
them in years and he just toldthem that I was having a baby.
And it was really crazy, yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
Did they react?
Did they decide to like be apart of it?
Speaker 2 (18:10):
Yeah, they actually are still in contact with us and
they don't speak to him at allbecause of the way he is, which
is really like weird.
This is very weird to mostpeople, um, but yeah, but I
thought this was really unusualbecause I've never had that
before.
But yeah, he literally um, saidthat and he didn't want to be
anything to do with my family,so I had a baby shower and he
(18:31):
never, he didn't want to go andmeet them and all that sort of
stuff.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Yeah, yeah, I, I get that.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
I experienced the same thing yeah, and then the
whole way through my baby showerwas messages, messages,
messages, messages.
Why aren't you responding?
Why aren't you responding?
But he didn't want to come.
It's like he even made me latefor that.
Actually, he said that my car,like the oil on my car, needed
full changing, like a full oilchange, and it really didn't.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
It really didn't wow, he really went above and beyond
.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
I know, right, right and it gets crazy.
He got a motorbike and he putit in the front of my living
room.
Stuff like that, like the mostextreme stuff, like when I was
working yeah, I know is like itwould happen, if that makes
sense.
So when I was distracted, youdo something.
Does that make?
Speaker 1 (19:17):
sense, yeah, it does it definitely does.
I see this type of abuse talkedabout often, and I've talked
about it in the ways that a lotof the times, it's not always
loud.
Sometimes it shows up in waysthat seem subtle or even petty,
but are deeply rooted in control.
(19:38):
We're talking about coercivecontrol and control through
confusion.
So it's like when Sophie's exrefused to go with her to her
baby shower but blew up herphone the entire time that she
was there.
Text after text, question afterquestion, little jabs or guilt
(19:59):
trips like are you having funwithout me?
Or who are you with?
And it's not because they missyou, it's because they want to
remind you that you're neverreally free.
Yeah, wow, I'm processing a lotwith you.
I know that we've talked abouta lot, but I'm still learning
(20:24):
about your release Sorry.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
I'm just teasing you.
There's a lot of things that I'mlearning about you during this
conversation, yeah, but it's alot of things like but it's like
I said over the last year, I'mlike speaking to other people,
I'm like, oh, that's not normal,that's really not normal.
But I classified that as normalbecause that's what I had.
And it was like I spoke to likethis police officer about stuff
(20:51):
and he looked at me like whathave you been through?
Like you could see it in hisface.
He was like he was horrified.
Yeah, it's like.
He's like don't are you okay?
Have you spoken to people?
I was like, yeah, I'm fine.
And they're like, oh gosh, oh,what about?
Speaker 1 (21:09):
okay, so I I feel like I I remember there was
something else that you told me,because you and I have had
conversations about PTSD, yeah,um, before, and I do remember
that there was something thatyou told me about the knife
incident.
Yes, yep, that's the one, doyou want?
Speaker 2 (21:30):
this point I had a four-month-old.
It's weird, again, I get thehaziness on it.
But this is a really weirdthing.
This song now comes on, I thinkI told you.
This song comes on when I'mgoing through really good or bad
parts of my life and it'sBittersweet Symphony by the
Verve, and it's very weirdbecause when I listen to the
(21:53):
lyrics it is pretty much my lifeand it's really weird and I
really relate to it.
But anyway, that song came onon the TV and I remember him
saying something about oh yeah,this video is really cool and I
don't know how they did it allin one take, but I don't know, I
just remember that part.
And then I don't know how itturned into it all, but it
literally was in like splitseconds.
He changed his pacing, he wasweird, um, and he grabbed a
(22:14):
knife and he pressed it up to mychest and he threatened to kill
me and I was like what ishappening?
But I don't like, because I'mgoing through the whole process
of I don't really remember allof the steps still, so like
sometimes I've listened back toit and I'm like that's what
happened, but I don't.
You know, I mean it's reallyhazy and weird, but that
happened.
And then I ended up havingextreme PTSD that I couldn't use
(22:38):
a knife for a year, like Icouldn't.
Every time I used a knife I'ddrop it or I'd panic Like I was
panicking.
I was going to stab myself byaccident because I was going
back to that process of that'swhat happened to me.
That's what happened to me.
Speaker 1 (22:49):
Let's talk about why so many survivors describe their
worst memories as hazy or foggy, scattered or incomplete.
It's because of how your brainactually works under trauma.
So when you're in a threateningsituation, like an abusive
relationship, your brainactivates its survival response.
(23:11):
We all know what those areFight, flight, fight, flight,
freeze and fawn, and during thatstate your brain's amygdala
goes into overdrive.
It's scanning for danger, butat the same time your prefrontal
cortex I apologize, the part ofyour brain that is responsible
for logic and decision-makingand memory processing it starts
(23:36):
to shut down.
So the result of that lookslike you don't form memories in
the same way.
Instead of being filed neatly inchronological order like a
story traumatic memories theyoften get stored as sensory
fragments.
They're like flashes of emotion, sound or physical sensation,
(23:59):
and you might remember howsomething felt, but not exactly
what was said.
This is something that I haveexperienced many times.
Or you might recall the momentsomething happened, but not what
came before or after.
I know that I shared.
I have a very fragmented memoryof like running outside of my
(24:19):
slippers and hiding in someone'sshed, but I don't know why or
what happened after, and this iswhy trauma memories can feel
hazy or out of order, and it'salso why, in some cases,
survivors don't remember partsof their abuse until months or
even years later.
It's actually this thing calleddissociative amnesia, and it's
(24:42):
well-documented as a protectiveresponse.
It's your brain literallysaying this is too much to
handle right now, so let me tuckthis away until we're safe
enough to process it.
Speaker 2 (24:57):
And it was kind of accepting it.
But it was even like I gave theknife to my mom that it
actually happened with, becauseI was like I just don't want to
see it.
I just don't want to see it.
But even that didn't stop it,like nothing was stopping it.
I could have used a differentknife, could use anything, and
it just wasn't working.
What worse is, at this pointI'm trying to wean a baby, so
obviously you need a knife tomash things up, and I'm there,
like using spoons, using forks,anything, rather than a knife,
(25:21):
and it was absolutely ridiculous, like I couldn't cut up the
basic stuff with a knife for ayear.
What did help, though?
I made myself do it.
I like remember one day beinglike no, you are gonna cut this
knife and cut with this knife.
And I just every day, slowly,even though I was fighting the
urge of like everything.
I made myself do it because Ispoke to like a therapist and
(25:43):
she wasn't a complex PTSD personand at the time I didn't know I
had that.
So she was like this is veryunusual PTSD.
And then, when I looked into itall and I actually got referred
to a better therapist, she waslike this is CPTSD Like this is
complex, this is reallysomething different.
But yeah, I had to make myselfdo it and that was the hardest
(26:04):
thing, because that's the thingthat my body is like no, no, you
don't go near it.
But I had to make myself gothrough the whole pick it up, do
it.
Pick it up, do it.
Um, exposure therapy yeah, butit wasn't good because obviously
I'm there terrified I'm gonnahurt myself by accident with a
knife, but yeah, wow.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
So I think it is important to talk a little bit
about exposure therapy here,just in case you haven't heard
about it.
So when Sophie shared that shecouldn't use a knife for a full
year after her abuser held oneto her chest, it made complete
sense, right?
Because that's how trauma works.
Our brains are wired to protectus.
(26:47):
So when something terrifyinghappens, especially something
life-threatening, our nervoussystem tags anything that is
associated with that asdangerous.
So in Sophie's case it was aknife, but for others it could
be anything like a song, a smell, a type of clothing, a certain
(27:07):
type of vehicle, the sound of adoor slamming.
And that's where exposuretherapy comes in.
It's a proven treatment forPTSD where you slowly and safely
reintroduce yourself to thetriggers until your brain learns
this thing is no longer athreat.
So it's not pretending that itdidn't happen.
(27:29):
It's about proving to your bodyhey, I'm safe now I survived
and I'm in control again.
Yeah, how did you get to thepoint of deciding that you were
done, that you were ready towalk away?
Speaker 2 (27:49):
I went through the whole standard of what I've
heard everyone does of liketrying to walk away about a
billion times, but it doesn'twork.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, I had it once where Istayed in a hotel and he came
back.
I had it once where I movedhouse and he came back.
It just felt like every time hecame back.
Does that make sense?
So it's got to a point now, likewhere I know I can't reply to
(28:13):
an email, I know I can't doanything because he will try and
love bomb me back, if that'sreally that's the truth of it
and I have to accept that.
Um, but the time that Iremember being like I don't want
to live with this would havebeen like two odd years ago now.
Um, and I just remember certainpoints, like things that I look
back on, that I'm like Iremember that he wouldn't open
(28:35):
the curtains in the morning andhe wouldn't get up to like one
o'clock in the afternoon and asimple thing like that.
But you're in darkness andyou're feeling darkness inside.
I remember feeling, like yousaid, like on eggshells and I
did not want that making himcoffees first thing in the
morning when I am dead becauseI've been up all night with a
child yeah, do you?
know what I mean.
(28:56):
Like, yes, I do, here you go,there's your supplies, but
where's mine, you know?
And not having to have, nothaving a shower, but being made
feel disgusting, disgustingbecause of that and stuff like
that, and I just rememberthinking, no, there's something
more to life than this.
And, um, I kind of slowlydrifted away, but he still used
(29:18):
the whole coming back in and,unfortunately, children I use a
lot in this and he would use thewhole.
I'm coming to see a child, um,you know, as an excuse, um, and
it's a hard one.
In that situation it's very hardto just go away and it's
something you don't necessarilywant them in your life.
(29:38):
For the rest of your life,unfortunately are, but in a
different way, if that makessense, because you don't have to
have them around you.
It's very hard for anyone who'sgoing through it.
You don't have to have themaround you.
It's really really, really hard.
I get that.
You don't, for yourself and foryour child self.
You don't need that.
Um, your child needs to see youin a better light, needs you at
your best and you being healthyand happy is the top priority.
(30:02):
Um, but yeah, I just rememberthinking like I told you.
I used to think this is nothealthy, this is not right, this
is safe.
I think it was like that sortof thing and I started sort of
seeing people say stuff onlineand I was like this sounds like
it.
Speaker 1 (30:18):
This sounds like it, the education piece, I think, is
something that is so importantfor so many victims who are
looking to leave, because onceyou know, you can't not know.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
Yeah, and then I started to learn.
Obviously he'd clearly gonethrough my messages.
I'd spoken to people before andI kind of clicked.
I had people that wouldn'tspeak to me anymore and I
realized he'd been messaging asme on accounts, things like that
.
Oh wow, to really click on, Ineed to be careful what I'm
(30:55):
messaging people, what I'msaying.
Um, it was a huge differentball game.
But when you get that innerstrength that you want to live
like, you go from that whole.
I remember thinking like, likeI said before, I looked out the
window and I was like I'm done.
I'm done like I'm done becauseI was just done with it.
You go from that to I want tosurvive.
When you go to, I want tosurvive, you will try and get
out as much as you can.
It's just the hardest part isleaving.
The hardest part is leaving.
(31:16):
But I equally think the hardestpart is then staying leaving,
because they'll always try toget you back some way or another
.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
I well, at least for me, every time that I would
leave and come back, it was likethe abuse got worse, because it
was almost like oh, I've gother and and now, like I can just
, I can just do whatever I want,because yeah she.
She can pretend and she can lieto herself and say that she's
gonna leave, but she's, she'llbe back, like that's how I
(31:45):
thought that the thought processwas and that's why I felt like
my abuse always got worse.
Yeah, like it would be a littlebit more bold, because she's
gonna stay yeah, and I felt likehe'd also learned my tactics.
That made sense, like you had,like I, unfortunately would go
through the whole process oflike zoning out you know, yes,
(32:07):
yes, yeah, and I think he knewwhen I was gonna go and he'd be
like she'll be back next weekright, and it's the process of,
like you leaving, and then themlove bombing you and saying
everything that they andtreating you the way that they
should have been treating youall along, and then then so
(32:28):
you're like, oh wow, things arereally different and he's
changed.
That is not your fault, though,for going back Like they're
just a chameleon and they can beanyone they want to be, but 99%
of the time, they are choosingchoosing to be abusive.
(32:49):
Yeah, think that.
Remember that, please.
Speaker 2 (32:52):
Yeah and also another thing is I always get asked
this was he on alcohol?
Was in drugs?
It does not matter.
That is not an excuse for abuseand I don't take that stance.
I've had so many people say tome if he was an alcohol, if you
know that doesn't matter whetherhe was or the person was or
wasn't.
That is them and you knowwhether you're on alcohol, drugs
(33:15):
, whatever else.
If you're gonna act like that,that is you and that is your
representation of you.
Unfortunately, that is them.
I just hate it when people willjustify it with stuff like that
.
I really hate it because I'vehad that so many times said to
me.
But was he on drugs?
I don't care if it happened.
Speaker 1 (33:32):
Well, I feel like it.
Um, it gets to a point whereyou're like it's kind of it's
invalidating of your ownexperiences.
Yeah, sophie touches on thevery reason why I started
reaching out to other survivorsin my own healing journey, and
it's because, in a lot of ways,I felt like healing from abuse
(33:55):
was sometimes worse than theabuse itself, and it's because
it feels extra isolating.
It's like people expect you towalk away and then be okay, and
that's not the case.
And one of the most painfulparts of surviving abuse isn't
just the trauma that you'velived through.
It's what happens when youfinally decide to start speaking
(34:17):
up and telling your story, whenyou find the strength to share
that story.
Instead of support, sometimesyou're met with why didn't you
just leave?
Wasn't he an addict, likeSophie said, or are you sure it
was really abuse?
They get the benefit of thedoubt You're an abuser.
You get dismissed.
They get excuses, you getsilence.
(34:40):
It's disgusting and so that'swhy little shameless plug I
created this Survivor Sisterhood.
It's a private group onFacebook of listeners of this
podcast who are looking fortheir survivor sister.
We've all experienced the samething in different fonts and
sometimes you just need anotherwoman to say hey, you know what.
(35:00):
I completely understand whatyou're going through.
If that feels like somethingthat you would be interested in,
the link to join is in the shownotes below.
I think it's a hurtful questionbecause it's a yes, but answer.
Speaker 2 (35:18):
But I just wanted to say that, because I don't think
anyone ever said that to me andI felt like you know, it does
make you feel like, oh well, hewas on this or she was on this
or whatever else, and no, that'snot OK.
It's still not OK, Like you andme we're not doing anything bad
, now are we.
It doesn't make it a good thingbecause you were doing
(35:40):
something bad.
If that makes sense, so yeah.
Speaker 1 (35:43):
Right, can we talk about for a quick second the
sisterhood and community andwhat that's done in our healing
journeys and for the both of us?
Yeah, of course we can.
You had sent me a message acouple of weeks ago that I was
(36:08):
like Sophie, don't make meemotional.
Speaker 2 (36:21):
Which one?
Speaker 1 (36:21):
was that how I was able to validate your
experiences?
And in talking with anothersurvivor and saying this is what
I've been through and even iftheir story isn't 100% aligned
with yours, we still understandand we still get it.
(36:46):
We know why you stayed, we knowhow you felt, and you were
telling me that the sisterhoodhas just, has just really helped
you, and how thankful you were,I was like don't make me cry.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
They did because, at the time, like I was starting to
see stuff and I was like thishas happened to me, this has
happened to me, oh, there'sanother person that's had it.
And then everything you wereputting on there.
I was like to see stuff and Iwas like this has happened to me
, this has happened to me, oh,there's another person that's
had it.
And then everything you wereputting on there I was like like
are you reading my mind?
Like this has happened to meand, um, whether it's exactly
the same or not, you always seemto see patterns of it.
Like the amount of people thatI've spoken to and they're like,
(37:23):
oh, yeah, my partner, he's notabusive, but but he has gone on
Tinder and he's done this, andhe's coercively done this.
And I'm like, yeah, but if youput it in a massive list, it is
abuse.
You just don't see it, becauseyou've just pinpointed one thing
and, unfortunately, if youspeak to the wrong people,
they're going to invalidate whatyou're feeling.
(37:44):
For instance, me, when I foundtheinder on his phone and I'd
gone on peanut, which is an app.
I don't know if you've got itin the US.
I think you have.
Yeah, and obviously, as a mom.
I'm like, yeah, I found this onthe um.
Is it common on this phone?
And I had three people thatclearly gone through the same
thing.
Do you know what?
My, my boyfriend's had thatlast week and he said that's so
common.
It gets accidentally downloadedon the phone.
(38:05):
And I'm there, gaslit by thesepeople.
Yeah, I'm there like, oh yeah,okay, this is not.
Speaker 1 (38:12):
My eye is twitching.
Speaker 2 (38:14):
There is literally speaking to people that are
being abused, just like me, andI'm starting to get gaslit by it
.
But obviously that wasn't thecase.
Clearly you downloaded Tinder,but you know that's just a
classic example.
If you find the wrong people,you're not going to get the
right answers, but finding youhas helped me so much, so yeah,
don't get emotional.
Speaker 1 (38:33):
Please don't get emotional.
Stop thinking no, I'm doingMorse code with my eyelashes.
What I said, I was doing itbecause I'm doing Morse code
with my eyelashes.
Speaker 2 (38:46):
What are you trying to tell me with your eyelashes?
They're very nice.
I don't know what you're tryingto tell me.
Speaker 1 (38:55):
Just the gaslighting that happened to, unfortunately,
those other women that then wasa ripple effect to you.
Yeah, it literally was.
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (39:05):
Because it's literally like three of us and
I'm like, oh, okay.
And now, looking back, I wish Icould find all those usernames.
I wish I could go back on thatsite and be like girls, are you
safe?
Are?
Speaker 1 (39:15):
you out of it, are you okay?
Yes, I can't.
Just a disclaimer Tinder hasnever randomly shown up on my
phone.
It doesn't do that.
Speaker 2 (39:25):
Stay with it.
Doesn't do that, stay with me.
It doesn't happen, you gottadownload it that's a choice, and
I think matching with someoneas well isn't an accident, but
you know interesting,interesting how that works.
Speaker 1 (39:44):
I guess a little shameless plug.
If you do, I'll put my websitein the show notes.
But thesurvivorsisterhoodcomyou can join the Sisterhood.
We are a group of survivors onFacebook who just interact with
each other, help, support eachother, share full circle moments
(40:05):
, share the things that we'restruggling with.
It's a beautiful place to beand it means a lot to me.
And if you feel alone and youreally need someone to chat with
, always hit up.
Sophie, you can join thesisterhood.
Like I said in the beginning,her contact information will be
(40:26):
in the show notes here as well,especially if you really
resonate with her story.
I said in the beginning, hercontact information will be in
the show notes here as well,especially if you really
resonate with her story.
Please, please, reach out toher or join the sisterhood.
We would love to have you.
Yeah, so one thing that I didin season one that really meant
a lot to me because I got somany different answers and I
(40:49):
love to think that somebody maysay something that's going to
plant the seed for a victimwho's looking to leave and
that's going to be that onepiece of information that sticks
with them.
So if there is someone who islooking to leave their
relationship um or their abusivesituation.
(41:10):
What is one piece of advicethat you would give them?
Speaker 2 (41:16):
a hard one, um.
You will get stronger, you willbe safe, but be careful along
the way, um, and eventuallyyou'll get where you need to be.
So, wherever you're aiming togo, aim for that, whatever it is
, even if it's the little thing,like I said, like opening the
(41:37):
curtains or, like you say, theart of noticing things.
You do notice a lot more things, um, but the main one for me is
I wish I could go back and tellmyself that one day you will
feel the sun on your face againand it will feel like the best
thing you've ever had.
So, if you are going through itand you are trying to leave, do
try and find the safest way andthink of that sun moment.
(42:00):
Honestly, you'll think it'ssilly, but the moment you have
that sun on your face and you'refree, it is like the best thing
in the world.
So please try your best andalways just try and stay safe at
the same time, because it'ssuch a hard time.
I know exactly how you'refeeling, so, yeah, thank you so
much.
Speaker 1 (42:17):
That was beautiful.
I think about the time that Ifelt the sun on my face and I
was.
I took myself out on a solo dateafter I left and I went to the
beach and watched the sunset andI just remember like feeling
emotional because I'm like, wow,these are like little moments
and pockets of joy that I shouldhave been able to have, that I
(42:40):
you know, if I did, I had tosteal those moments for myself
and now I'm fully able to justdo this because I want to.
That's such a beautiful feelingFreedom, freedom, freedom.
Okay Well, thank you so muchfor sharing your story.
(43:01):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (43:02):
I got to learn more about you and it's a brave thing
that's another thing is ifyou're in the uk and you're
going through it, um, you can doa claire's law.
That's what I ended up doingbut you have to be in the
relationship and it's reallyhard to do.
Um, I don't know if you've gotit over in the us.
It's like a law you can go tothe police and they can tell you
if your partner's ever done anydomestic abuse charges of any
(43:25):
kind.
It is really, really, it's good.
But if you can do it, you needsomeone with you, because I
didn't have anyone with me.
I didn't know you were allowedto and I really wish I had, but
that may help you.
Speaker 1 (43:37):
Sophie had touched on something called Claire's Law,
and in the UK, survivors haveaccess to something called
Claire's Law and it's a gamechanger for safety and
prevention.
Claire's Law is, and it's agame changer for safety and
prevention.
Claire's Law is officiallyknown as the Domestic Violence
Disclosure Scheme and it wasnamed after Claire Wood, a woman
(43:58):
who was unalived by herex-boyfriend in 2009.
And after her death, it wasdiscovered that he had this long
history of violence againstwomen.
That was something that Claireshe never knew about.
This law gives people the rightto ask the police whether their
current or former partner has ahistory of domestic abuse, and
(44:20):
it also allows police toproactively disclose that
information if they believesomeone is at risk.
So there are two parts to thislaw.
One part is the right to ask,meaning that anyone can request
information about theirpartner's past, and the second
(44:40):
part is the right to know, sopolice can choose to share that
information if they believe thatsomeone is in danger, even if
this person who may be in dangerhasn't asked.
It's not perfect, but it'spowerful.
It arms survivors and potentialvictims with knowledge, and
(45:01):
when it comes to abuse,knowledge can save a life, can
save a life.
Here in the US we don't havesomething that is like Claire's
law, but this law reminds us howimportant it is to take
someone's past behaviorseriously, especially when it
(45:22):
comes to the patterns of abuse.
Sophie's story is so much morethan just one survivor's
experience.
It's a mirror for so many of us.
I know that I relate so well toSophie's story, the patterns
(45:47):
that she's lived through, thecontrol, the gaslighting, the
isolation.
There are things far too manysurvivors know all too well.
But what makes this storypowerful isn't just the pain.
It's the clarity, the truth,telling the strength and saying
(46:08):
this is what happened and I'mstill standing.
I'm a survivor.
If this episode brought upsomething in you, please take
care of yourself.
And if you're ready to startyour healing, or if you just
want a safe place where yourstory is understood, I invite
you to join the SurvivorSisterhood, our private Facebook
(46:31):
community built by survivorsfor survivors.
The link to join is in the shownotes below.
You don't have to do this aloneand your story is valid and you
deserve to be seen and heardand healed.
Thank you for listening toDismissed True Stories, thank
(46:56):
you for giving the five-starreviews, thank you for helping
this podcast reach other victimsand survivors.
And until next time, keepspeaking your truth and remember
the world is a better placebecause you are in it.
(47:18):
Thank you.
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