May 30, 2025 • 45 mins
Kiana shares her harrowing journey of surviving relationship abuse that began when she was just 18 years old and directionless after high school. Her powerful testimony reveals how abuse can take many forms beyond physical violence.
• First meeting her abuser through Facebook and quickly becoming inseparable
• Experiencing isolation tactics disguised as love and protectiveness
• Dealing with constant surveillance at work and jealousy toward any potential male interactions
• Being followed to college when trying to create independence
• Losing access to her own money and basic necessities
• Resorting to hiding expired food behind dumpsters just to eat
• Going from size 16 to size 0 in just four months due to starvation and stress
• Being manipulated by claims of an "alter ego" that made her responsible for her partner's behavior
• Recognizing the dead look in her eyes when looking at photos from that time
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Hi, hello, welcome back to Dismissed True Stories.
I feel like I really need tofigure out how to start these
episodes.
All I know is that I don't wantto talk a lot because I hate
long intros to podcasts.
But, with that being said, Ihave to tell you something.
I just want to say one thing.
I opened up about how much Istruggled after telling my story
(00:42):
, how I fell off in my body, howmy mind was racing, how I felt
like I was just kind of rightback in it.
I was triggered, I was sleepinga lot.
There have been so many of youwho have reached out to me who
have said girl same.
So if you're feeling in any way, shape or form, like your
(01:08):
healing isn't working, likeyou're sick and tired of doing
this and like you can take 10steps forward, but then it feels
like you take nine and a halfsteps back, it's normal.
This shit is I wouldn't wish iton my worst enemy.
(01:30):
We are doing the best that wecan and even though there's like
such a clear before and afterwhen you experience abuse, right
Like that person that we werewhen we went into this
relationship, like they don'texist anymore, and I think, to
some level.
You have to grieve that.
You have to grieve that person,but also you're grieving your
(01:54):
relationship.
If you had a family with thatperson, you're grieving your
family.
Then you have to go throughthis layer of like getting angry
and making them the monster inyour story, because they are.
But then there's like thissecond level of healing that
comes along, where you're likewow, now it's time to look at
myself and that sucks, and Ithink that's what.
(02:18):
That's the place that so manyof us are in right now.
It's like looking at ourself,challenging our core beliefs,
reparenting ourselves.
It's heavy, it's hard.
I'm right there with you.
I am so right there with you.
(02:38):
There are so many times where Ijust feel so annoyed and
frustrated with myself because Ican't make myself do the things
that I want to do, because Ihave to stop and cry for a
second, or I'm so tired I'm notsleeping, I'm having nightmares,
I'm doing all the things.
It's not fair.
I just want to live a life thatI know I deserve to live.
(03:00):
I deserve to live.
And sometimes it's not possiblebecause I have CPTSD or
something comes up for me like arandom memory and I'm like holy
cow, now I have to deal withthis.
I can't just keep pushing itaway and pretending like it
doesn't happen, because thoseskeletons in my closet are
eventually going to bust out andchase me down and I'm going to
(03:22):
have to feel it whether I likeit or not.
Right, I know that I'm going ona rant, but I just had to get
that off my chest and I thinkthat's just like my long
roundabout way of saying you'renot alone.
You're not alone and I guess alittle shameless plug for the
(03:43):
group on Facebook that I'mtrying to build, the Survivor
Sisterhood.
It's a private group.
If you feel like you areisolated and alone and that no
one is healing the way thatyou're healing, or that no one
is feeling the way that you'refeeling, or even if you're still
in that relationship and youjust want a sister to stand
(04:05):
beside you, please join thegroup.
That's what it is for.
You've heard me say healinghappens in community.
I don't even know how many times, but it really freaking does,
because when I found Brandy, mysurvivor sister, and we started
talking about all the thingsthat I felt so alone in, and she
was like, oh my God, me too.
That was so validating, sohealing.
(04:27):
I did a whole 180.
I was so depressed, so low,when her and I first started
talking, when we started reallyworking on our relationship and
being vulnerable with each other.
And that's the thing that's soscary, right Like we don't want
(04:56):
to trust another person becausethe person that we gave our all
to, plus some, completelydestroyed us.
They completely broke us.
They completely drained us ofour love and our light and our
spirit and our spunk.
They completely broke us.
They completely drained us ofour love and our light and our
spirit and our spunk.
And so to go and be vulnerablewith somebody else, oh man, that
(05:17):
is so scary, but it's worth it.
And you have to listen to yourgut, to your intuition, because
I know it was talking to youwhen you were in that abusive
relationship and if you're stillin it, I know it's talking to
you right now.
It's saying girl, you got to go, girl, you got to go,
something's off.
This is not right.
You deserve more than this andyou do deserve more.
Okay, we're all in thistogether.
(05:38):
Join the group.
So I guess let's get intoKiana's episode today.
Holy cow Guys, this one satwith me.
After Kiana and I interviewed,I literally walked upstairs, sat
on my couch and stared at thewindow for I don't even know how
(05:58):
long, because I was just tryingto digest everything that she
said to me.
She really put her heart intothis.
I know that she really wantsyou to understand that, no
matter what it is that you'reexperiencing, we probably all
(06:19):
feel the same, and that is alone, confused hurt probably the
lowest that we've ever been, andso I do want to give some
trigger warnings for this.
Even though her and I didn'tkind of experience some of the
same things, this one just mademe really sad one just made me
(07:22):
really sad.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
So, with that being said, let's get into Kiana's
story.
I guess we'll start with howold were you when you met your
abuser user?
I was freshly 18, fresh out ofhigh school, sort of.
I graduated high school when Iwas 17.
So I went to California realquick for college and decided,
oh, this is not for me.
I came back home and I was just18.
So I just started working atthe Speedway around the corner
(07:45):
from my house.
I didn't have a whole lot ofdirection, you know, I was just
wandering and I think thatplayed a huge role in the way
things came to be, just becauseI didn't have anything really
going for me.
I had never had a realsignificant other Like I didn't
(08:09):
date for real in high school.
So when I met this person itwas like insane.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
And you told me well, I think that that is normal,
like a normal feeling when youkind of walk into that kind of
relationship, At least.
Maybe I don't want to saynormal, but I felt the same way.
I remember feeling like I justbeat myself up so much about
where I was in my life, I wasn'thappy with my direction and
(08:42):
where I was, and I just rememberfeeling like, oh well, this
person's the best thing that Ihave going for me and yeah, yeah
.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
Exactly that.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
I can definitely relate to you on that, yeah,
yeah, and you said that you guysmet each other like she was
originally a stranger to you,but you met off of Facebook Like
she was originally a strangerto you, but you met off of
Facebook.
Yeah, so my mind, I feel likehas deleted a lot.
If this part of Kiana's storyfeels familiar to you I know it
(09:14):
did for me that being young ordirectionalist, even lonely,
perhaps been lonely, perhaps butthis is something that I see in
a lot of your stories is thatthey don't really show up your
abuser when you're thriving and,I think, like on the outside.
(09:36):
When it comes to my own story,I looked like I was thriving
because I had my career, but Iwas so just lost on the inside
and was so unsure of who I was.
And I feel like they find youin that in-between, when you are
unsure of yourself and whenyou're craving belonging.
(09:58):
So then they show up and theyfeel like strong and sturdy and
kind of like the answer to yourlonging, to your prayers, like
the missing piece that you werelooking for.
Entering in a vulnerablechapter doesn't mean that you
(10:20):
caused what happened.
They are who they are causedwhat happened.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
They are who they are .
I remember getting a message onFacebook asking you know if I
went to a certain high schooland I was like, yeah, I just
graduated, you know whatever.
They had a lot of mutual friendson Facebook with me, which you
know deceiving becauseeverybody's friends on Facebook.
At that time this was like 2012, maybe 2011.
And yeah, it was.
(10:54):
I was intrigued because I'mlike, okay, and they asked me
about going to prom because theydidn't have a person to go to
prom with.
It was like they were justfinishing their high school year
, so they were going to prom.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
Oh, so she was a year younger than you.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
So it was like I'm allowed to go?
Okay, I guess I will, why not?
You know my one of my otherbest friends, who was also a
year younger than me.
It was her prom too, so we tookit as an opportunity to be like
hey, we get to go to promtogether, even though I am
already one year past, you Like.
So that was nice, um, but thatwas my introduction.
Like, we just started talkingon Facebook and kind of getting
(11:35):
to know each other.
Um, we met up near her house onthe South side of my town and
we just talked and talked andtalked and it felt like, holy
cow, we have a ton in common,like this is really cool.
And I had never dated, letalone dated a woman, but I
(11:58):
always knew that I was bisexual,so it was like another whole
new world, right.
So I was really excited andready to jump in, like, not that
we talked about relationshipsright then, but I was just
really excited.
So, you know, went to the promand everything was great.
We had an awesome time, um, andpretty much never left each
(12:20):
other's side.
From that point, like it was.
I don't even know how todescribe it.
Just, you know, people say, youknow they sweep you off your
feet or whatever.
But it was like a whirlwindjust hit me like a ton of bricks
and we're just, we're just init all the way Like we could get
married tomorrow.
(12:41):
We didn't, obviously, but itjust felt so like just insane
amount of loving, crazy fun,like we just did a lot of fun
things.
We could have fun walking alongin the forest and still have a
good time and joke around and itfelt good then Okay.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
So I just want to pause here for a second because
there's something reallyimportant to point out.
Did you catch when Kiana saidwe pretty much never left each
other's side from that point?
That's one of those momentsthat, in hindsight, a lot of
survivors recognize as thebeginning of what we call love
bombing I know you've heard it amillion times when things move
(13:26):
fast and they feel intense andthey just almost always seem too
good to be true, because theyoften are.
But also, I want to go back tosomething else that she said
earlier about how her brain hasdeleted a lot from that
relationship.
That's so real.
It's not weakness orforgetfulness, that's your brain
(13:47):
literally protecting you.
And I've talked about thisbefore how, like, big chunks of
my own memory are missing fromthe thick of my abuse.
And it's called trauma-relateddisassociation.
It's one of the ways that yournervous system helps you survive
something that feels impossibleat the time.
Survive something that feelsimpossible at the time.
(14:10):
Listening to that part made myheart ache a little, but you get
it.
That was just your survivalmode kicking in.
Let's get back to it.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
I didn't see it coming and being in a same-sex
relationship.
When it comes to families,people get weird, depending on
where you're, what your beliefsare, and you know my family was
very religious and it was, butthey are they accepted sort of.
I think they accepted it to apoint of like well, this is a
(14:39):
phase and we'll get through it,and when she's on the other side
, it's it'll be fine, right,like.
So they just kind of went withit.
Um, that initial reaction waskind of like oh no, you could
see it all over their faces, butthey tried their best to just
be like okay.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
To like be supportive .
Speaker 2 (14:57):
You're here now, yeah , yeah, and yeah it was like,
and yeah it was like.
I think that played a huge partin the ease of isolation,
because nobody really wanted tolike get close to her or to the
two of us, like the idea of us.
Not very many people liked it.
(15:19):
I mean, my friends were prettychill about it.
They didn't seem to be like.
They weren't like hateful oranything crazy, just not a fan
Like.
They clearly saw somethingright off the bat that I did not
and I'm.
Nobody said anything to me,probably because they were too
afraid.
Because it's my first like bigrelationship At least it felt to
(15:42):
me and it's a same sexrelationship.
Then I'm sure they felt like ifthey say anything, I'm going to
be like well.
Then I'm sure they felt like ifthey say anything, I'm going to
be like, well, you're justdoing this because she's a woman
, you know that whole thing.
And of course that's not thecase.
They genuinely had concerns,but they just didn't really tell
me about those concerns untillater when things got kind of
(16:05):
gnarly and I was too deep in tohear what they were talking
about.
I didn't care what they weresaying.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
Kiana says I was in it too deep to care what they
were saying and that rattled mybones a little bit, because
that's how abuse works it pullsyou under so slowly that you
don't even realize that you'redrowning until you're literally
gasping for air.
(16:31):
You said in the message thatyou sent me, kind of explaining
the entire relationship, yousaid that she immediately began
isolating me from my friends andfamily, me from my friends and
(16:53):
family.
So looking back, you said thatkind of like the weirdness or
maybe the tension that you feltin your family dynamic, even
though they were trying to besupportive, probably played a
role in your isolation.
But can you explain the waysthat you understand now that she
was isolating you?
Speaker 2 (17:07):
looking back, so the constant need to be together,
right, like if I wanted to goand hang out with my best friend
.
It was like, oh well, why can'tI come with you?
It's not that big of a deal,why do you have to be alone,
together?
And it's like I mean, geez,I've been alone with her many
times, I've never beenromantically interested and, of
(17:29):
course, again, I've been alonewith her many times, I've never
been romantically interested and, of course, again, I never
thought about jealousy in thatway.
Like it's my best friend.
I've never once looked at herthat way.
I don't know why you're freakingout so hard.
Like it started with that whereit was like my best friend
couldn't go anywhere with herbut without my partner.
(17:49):
Like they were always alwaysaround and or calling.
If I decided, okay, I'm justgoing to go, they're calling and
calling and texting and callingand I'm like, dude, come on,
can I have a semblance of peace,cause now we're arguing on the
phone instead of me enjoying mytime, and it makes me be like,
okay, well, forget it, I'll justcome home, cause I'm not trying
(18:12):
to do this with you.
If I can't enjoy the time,what's the point of being out
here, right, and then I juststopped trying to even be out
here because you're continuouslymaking it so unfun to be out
there.
And then when I come home,you're trying to make it all
lovey and like let's have amovie night, let's have a
whatever, like you want to makeit nice and fun to be home with
(18:33):
you and horrible to be outanywhere else.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
Okay, this is classic coercive control and it's one
of the most overlooked red flags.
Like what Kiana is describinghere, is isolation wrapped in
romance.
It wasn't you can't see yourfriends.
It was why can't I come withyou or why do you need alone
time with her.
It sounded like jealousy.
It felt like love, but what itreally was was control the
(19:00):
constant calls, the guilt trips,the blowups that ruin your
night and make you want to gohome, just to end the fight.
That's how isolation works inabusive relationships.
It's sometimes not a lockeddoor, it's emotional exhaustion.
You stop trying to make plansbecause peace is only possible
when you stay close to them.
(19:20):
And the kicker when you give inand stay, they reward you.
Movie night cuddles, yourfavorite takeout.
It makes it feel like home isthe safe place they're getting
in your head when it's actuallythe most dangerous one.
This is what we mean when wesay abuse isn't always violent.
(19:43):
Sometimes it's someone turningyour entire world into a
two-person bubble and calling itlove.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
I would go to work and she would come to my job and
just hang out.
Like I said, I worked at thegas station, she would just
stand there.
I'm at the cash register, she'sstanding over by the sodas,
standing over by the rollergrill.
If I'm over at the roller grillputting like the hot dogs and
stuff on there, she's juststanding there.
Just standing there, watching,talking to me.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
You said that she became very paranoid, that
someone, especially a man, wouldcome and steal you away.
Yeah, was that part of why shewould come into your workplace?
Speaker 2 (20:27):
I firmly believe that is why she would come into my
workplace workplace.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
I firmly believe that is why she would come into my
workplace.
Okay, chills, but not in a goodway.
I remember how subtle isolationcould be.
It doesn't always start withyou can't go anywhere.
Sometimes it's I'll come withyou and I'll wait for you at
work.
Honestly, it makes me think ofthis girl at the gym whose
boyfriend is just always there,always watching.
(20:50):
It might seem sweet at first,right, but somebody wanting to
be around you all the time,especially if it's your partner
who's constantly showing up toyour job, hovering near the soda
machine or watching your everymove while you're just trying to
earn a damn paycheck.
It's not romance, it'ssurveillance.
Oh man, the fire that I feelKiana shares that her partner
(21:16):
was paranoid that a man mightcome take her away, so she
inserted herself into everycorner of her life.
That's not love.
That's not love, that's controlrooted in fear and insecurity.
Those have no space for liketrue, actual love.
(21:42):
So if someone is trying toprotect their relationship by
shrinking your world and yourfreedom, oh babe, that is not
safe, no matter how caring itlooks on the surface.
Speaker 2 (21:59):
Especially a man.
Yes, I think that because atthat age I was looking great, if
I do say so myself.
But there's a lot.
You know, gas station is one ofthose places that, like dudes,
just do whatever and they saywhatever.
(22:19):
They do not care, they will sayanything, they'll talk to you
all kinds of crazy.
I had a man throw money over meone time, like while I'm
actively trying to do my job atthe cash register.
So it's a lot, and I guess shefelt like all that attention
(22:41):
maybe would get to my head andI'd want to leave her or
whatever.
But I had only eyes for her atthe time.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
I bet that made it hard, though, because you
probably felt like you wereconstantly having to prove your
loyalty and your love always,always, always.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
Can't look at anybody can't hang out with anybody, we
just have to and your love,always, always, always.
Like can't look at anybody,can't hang out with anybody, we
just have to be together.
And I also can't say anythingabout her hanging around my job,
even though you could make melose my job doing that.
If you don't buy something, ifyou don't, you're loitering at
this point and fortunately Iworked a three to midnight so
(23:28):
there really was not a manageron a lot, um, and maybe it made
her feel better being there atnight, especially when people
get, they get a little rowdy,but it wasn't helpful.
And you know she was moremasculine, so I don't know if
she was playing on her owninternal, I don't even know what
(23:51):
to call it.
But that mind frame of thinkingyou're going to beat somebody
up, I mean maybe you would, shedefinitely could, but just
hyper-masculine toovercompensate maybe.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
Girl.
That line between protectiveand possessive is razor thin
Holy cow and abusers can crossit early and often.
Kiana's experience at the gasstation is a textbook example of
jealousy marked as protection.
Her partner didn't trust themen who came into her workplace
(24:27):
but instead of dealing with herown insecurity or giving Kiana
the benefit of the doubt, shemade it Kiana's problem.
That's what abuse does.
It makes you feel like you'realways walking on eggshells to
prove that you're worthy ofbeing trusted, that you're
worthy of even feeling happinessas an emotion.
(24:49):
You you're responsible for howinsecure or paranoid somebody
else feels.
Saying that out loud makes mefeel gross.
But here's the thing whensomeone has to prove their
loyalty daily just to keep thepeace, it's not love.
You said a year into therelationship you decided to go
(25:10):
to college and that was a hugedeal because you were going to
be an hour away.
Can you walk me through thatsituation?
Speaker 2 (25:24):
I decided because I, like I said, I had went to
California for college,originally for fashion design,
and that just didn't work out.
I was too far away, I wasn'tenjoying myself.
Came home, you know the rest,but then I, like I said, was
just floating around.
I was in a place that I don'tknow what the heck I'm going to
do.
I don't know what I want to dowith my life.
(25:45):
And my grandparents hadencouraged me to try a local
community college and I didn'twant to be too local to the one
that's 30 minutes away.
But I decided to go an hour oryou know, a little over an hour
for creative writing and I waslike, cool, I'm going to do this
.
I, you know, got excited andcould start anew, kind of.
(26:07):
You know, I'm still in thestate, I'm still close, but I
get to be away from everybodyand kind of try to find myself.
And she was not having that Like.
She was so upset that I wouldbe that far away and neither one
of us had a car at the time.
I was using my grandpa's carwhen I was like local in town,
(26:32):
but when I moved it was buspasses and walking.
So she actually decided thatshe was going to go to and play
on.
There was like a basketballteam that she was able to do.
I feel like it was through hertherapy or like a counselor.
(26:54):
There was something weird thatshe had.
She had like a not like asocial worker, but probably
something like that and theyhooked her up with people at
this college where she couldplay basketball with them while
not being enrolled in thecollege.
(27:14):
So she might not have gone outand played like games where they
go and travel, but she could goto their practices, she could
go to their little scrimmagesand whatever.
And so that was her way in.
That was her way in to be whereI was going to be.
Now.
I was staying in a collegeapartment, so I roomed with
(27:35):
three other girls All of themwere upstairs and they were all
friends and then it was just medownstairs on the main floor and
she decided, okay, well, I'mgoing to come and just hang out
with you for a little bit whileI do my basketball thing, Right?
So she was going back and forthfor a little bit and it was
(27:55):
like every time she would comethere'd be a few more things, a
few more clothes, a few more.
You know like you're clearlyslowly moving in.
Speaker 1 (28:06):
So subtle and yet, in hindsight, so very clear.
Kiana was finally doingsomething for herself herself.
She had made a huge decision togo back to school and start
over and create some distance,but instead of celebrating that,
her partner felt threatened byit.
And this is what abuse can looklike in real life.
(28:28):
They find a way to follow you,they insert themselves into your
new chapter and, little bylittle, they blur the boundary
that you had tried to set.
I've said it before and I'llsay it again that control
doesn't always show up asscreaming or bruises.
Sometimes it shows up as aduffel bag left at your door, a
(28:51):
toothbrush in your bathroom anda visit that turns into a
move-in bathroom, and a visitthat turns into a move-in.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
This was supposed to be a fresh start for Kiana but
instead it became anotherchapter of isolation and I don't
know why I didn't stop it.
I feel like the fear was therea little bit already, just from
the arguments and the way theymade me feel.
I'm sure you can relate to this.
(29:18):
Where you're, you know you getto a point of like a fight or
flight, almost like you'rearguing and you'll do anything
to make it stop, but also thethought of breaking up.
Oh my God, I could have died.
It felt like I was dying.
If she's upset with me, I feellike I am about to just die Like
I don't know what.
(29:39):
I don't know what that's about.
Speaker 1 (29:41):
But I know what it's about and I've felt it too.
That feeling of I'd rather stayand keep the peace than break
up and fall apart.
Oh, my gosh, oh.
When you're in an abusiverelationship it creates a
chemical dependency in your body.
Your nervous system basicallygets hijacked.
You begin to associate safetywith the moments when they're
(30:04):
not upset.
So when they are, it feels likethe world is literally ending.
And when Kiana said, if she'supset with me, I feel like I'm
about to die.
That's not drama, that's thenervous system in fight or
flight.
That's a trauma bond.
Speaker 2 (30:22):
It was a thing.
So I never said anything to herabout coming to move with me,
like I could obviously tellthat's what you're doing,
without saying anything.
Until one day it was just like,okay, here's you have a ton of
clothes, and she's like I thinkit'd be better if I just stayed
here so that way I don't have togo back and forth and ask
people for rides and pay youknow whatever.
(30:43):
She doesn't work either.
So I don't even know where shewas getting this money to go
back and forth.
But I was like, okay, thatmakes sense.
You know, I love you.
This is cool If I'll make sureit's cool with them.
And they didn't seem to care atthe time.
My roommates, um, and they hadtheir own things going on.
I didn't really talk to themthat much.
(31:05):
We didn't interact a ton, sothey weren't really paying
attention to what I was doing.
But it was literally just alittle room, like you think
apartments.
It's a small room in maybe atwin or full bed that we're
sharing.
Like, yeah, completelyridiculous.
I had a bathroom directly acrossthe hall from me.
(31:26):
That was my own, so we had thatbathroom to share and then the
shared kitchen, dining, livingroom, whatever.
I worked at the same gasstation, but in this town, so it
was a few miles away.
I would walk to there and workmy three to midnight and then
walk back at midnight.
(31:46):
Sometimes she would come andwalk me, sometimes she wouldn't.
They were way more strict atthat gas station where she could
not just be standing around.
So I feel like the texting gotworse.
She knew she couldn't callbecause I wouldn't answer, but
the texting all the timethroughout the day.
And I'm like dude, I can't goto the bathroom 15,000 times to
(32:08):
text you because there's camerasright behind me.
And I feel like that's kind ofwhen things took a really gnarly
turn right, because she didn'thave as much control, she
couldn't see what was happening.
So that paranoia just escalatedto a point of like accusing all
(32:28):
the time.
It's we're arguing likenon-freaking-stop right, and
it's getting to a point nowwhere she feels comfortable to
grab me, to grab my phone, tothrow things right.
Like she didn't exactly hit methen at that point, but it was
(32:54):
then that she started to tell mebecause I would be like why are
you so insane?
Why are you doing this?
And that's when she would tellme that she had that alter ego
or extra personality.
I don't understand what it was.
She was obviously on medicationfor it and we'll get to that
part of the story later.
Okay, we'll put it in it?
(33:14):
Yeah, but she told me that and Iwas like what the hell?
Okay, how do we make sure thatdoesn't happen?
Like it was basically keepingher happy nonstop, because if
she got super upset or we gotinto an argument, it would be
like I'm not kidding.
A scene out of a movie whereher eyes close, she's quiet for
(33:37):
a couple of minutes, eyes opendifferent person immediately.
Like now she's yelling, she'sscreaming, she's throwing things
like not answering to heractual name fully a different
person.
And I was like this is somethingI've never.
I have never seen anything likethis in a movie made right Like
(34:01):
what is even happening?
And at that point it's likewhat do I do?
I don't feel like I can reallydo anything about it.
I feel like, well, if this is areal thing, am I a bad person
for running away because she hasthis thing happening?
And if I could just keep herhappy and she takes this
medication, then everythingshould be fine.
(34:23):
And it's my fault if thishappens, because I triggered her
.
I triggered the person to comeout.
Even though it's not my jobright now, I know that's not my
responsibility, but then at 18,I never didn't know any better.
Speaker 1 (34:39):
This right here.
This is one of the momentswhere so many survivors can
carry the wrong kind of weighton their shoulders.
Let's talk about what justhappened.
So Kiana was made to believethat she was responsible for
keeping her partner calm, happy,medicated, even for the
preventing of an alter egocoming out.
(35:01):
This is manipulation wrapped insomething that looks like
mental illness, but the impactis the same Fear, control,
responsibility being placed onthe victim.
So let me say it clearly foranyone who may need to hear it
you are not responsible forsomebody else's outburst.
(35:25):
You are not.
The reason that they all of asudden flip their trauma, their
diagnosis or their personalitydisorder does not ever give them
permission to abuse you.
Speaker 2 (35:44):
I'm raised, you know, to be a people pleaser,
essentially.
So I just wanted to please herand keep that ugly at bay at bay
.
But it didn't matter, because,no matter what I did, at some
point there's going to be anargument.
Whether it's how long it tookme to get home from work, even
though I'm walking two miles, itdoesn't matter if it's raining,
(36:06):
if it's snowing, if it's windy,if it's hot, it might take me a
little longer than it does LikeI'm not stopping anywhere.
It's a straight shot from hereto there.
I got to go up a hill, it'sfine, but if I took too long,
there's a problem.
Speaker 1 (36:21):
Oh, that's.
That's the equivalent of liketracking your miles on your car.
Speaker 2 (36:26):
Yeah, and I don't think that was like there
weren't like Apple tags oranything, but if there was.
I'm sure I would have had oneat that time to know where I was
going at that time to knowwhere I was going.
Speaker 1 (36:42):
Do you think?
You also said that you wentfrom a size 16 to a size zero in
four months, which is insanebecause you were walking all the
time to and from work, but alsobarely eating.
Were you barely eating becauseof the stress of this?
Speaker 2 (36:52):
relationship Most definitely Okay, but also, I did
not have access to my own money, so she didn't want me to be
able to go anywhere without her,right, so I can't go get food
without her or go to see a moviewithout her or get a bus pass
without her, like there's.
She had my wallet, my debitcards, everything I couldn't get
(37:15):
into my own stuff, and theydidn't have tap to pay on your
phone or anything like that, orat least I didn't.
I don't know if that was athing then, but yeah, so I had
no money on me almost always,like she had it, so I would walk
to work.
I'm working, like I said, threeto midnight after having gone
to class, and I haven't eatenall day having gone to class and
(37:38):
I haven't eaten all day.
Speaker 1 (37:39):
By the time I come home, it's midnight.
You were literally starving.
And then when I think aboutthis yeah, when I think about
this, I think about, like, thefact that you're not getting
enough nutrition for your brainto even like work properly, on
top of being in a situation likethat where you're in fight or
flight, where your brain doesn'twant or doesn't have the
capacity to work properly anyway, outside of just surviving.
Speaker 2 (38:03):
That's insane, one of the saddest things, like I
still hate thinking about it.
But, like you know, when you goto gas stations they have like
the roller grill food and thelittle like hot things that they
put, and so they put that stuffout and then you're supposed to
throw it away after X amount oftime.
And I would always want to bethe person to throw it away,
(38:24):
because I would bag everythingup into a separate trash bag,
hide it behind the dumpster andthen go eat it before I went
home.
So, I was literally eatingexpired food out of the trash to
get food, because I couldn't doanything like groceries.
We would go and get groceriestogether, but I'm never home to
(38:44):
eat it.
Or when I do get home, she'seaten the thing that I set aside
for myself already becauseshe's home all day.
Speaker 1 (38:50):
This part haunts me and is so sad, because she was
literally starving.
She was working a job, going tocollege, walking miles every
day and still had no access toher own food or money.
She was hiding expired foodbehind the dumpster just so she
(39:10):
could eat something.
Oh, my god, let's just call itwhat it is financial abuse.
It's not someone beingcontrolling with money.
It's the deliberate removal ofresources so a survivor has no
other option but to stay.
It's using someone's basicneeds like food, transportation
(39:33):
and access to their own incomeas weapons of control.
And then, when you layer thatwith emotional abuse, isolation,
gaslighting, paranoia, constantsurveillance, it's not a
relationship, that's prison.
And, like I said, kiana's brainwas already in survival mode,
(39:56):
her body starving, her emotionscompletely controlled by whether
or not her partner was pleased.
And yet so many survivors, somany of us don't realize that
this is abuse, because therewere no punches thrown, there
was no hospital visit, no policereport, just invisible wounds
(40:20):
and silent suffering.
This story hurts, and it should, because it's real and it might
be happening to someone rightnow who doesn't even know how to
name it.
Yet.
I'm just, I'm trying.
(40:42):
I'm not saying anything becauseI'm trying to, like, digest
this, this is, this is insaneand I'm, I'm so, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2 (40:51):
Wow, it's wild to talk about.
I feel like my therapist barelyknows these details Um, my
current therapist anyway but I Idon't think about it too much
and that's why I was like whenI'm writing my notes down to you
, it was like holy cow Cause.
(41:12):
I remember the day that I puton those size zero pants, Like
they were actually an extra pairof jeans that she had from when
she was smaller, and I don'tknow why I was putting clothes
on, trying things on nothing Ihad fit and I put them on and
I'm like holy shit, I don't knowif I can swear, Holy crap, they
(41:34):
are a size zero and I'm in them.
Like if I were to send you apicture right now of what I
looked like, I looked like abobblehead.
My head was so big.
Speaker 1 (41:42):
I do want to see so little.
Speaker 2 (41:44):
Yeah, like I will send you the pictures of them
and it's I barely recognizemyself.
I look dead in the eyes, likeyou can see me smiling in my
pictures.
You can see anybody who knowswhat that looks like can see the
dead in my eyes.
Yes, I look back on thosepictures and I'm like, oh my God
, I'm sad for that girl that I'mlooking at, because I remember
(42:08):
what that was like.
It's so ugly I can't even.
Speaker 1 (42:12):
Oh my gosh, it's something that you never forget
it's there's.
I always think that there'sthere's such a clear and
distinctive before and after,and the reason for that is
because you will literally neverbe the same person that you
were entering that relationship.
Speaker 2 (42:29):
Mm, hmm.
Speaker 1 (42:31):
Like that person is gone.
Speaker 2 (42:33):
Yeah, she died for sure in that.
Speaker 1 (42:44):
Could you imagine losing weight and it not being
something that you want tocelebrate Like how?
How layered of an experience isthat?
I shared that part whereKiana's talking about putting on
size zero jeans on my socialmedia and it's insane the
response I got of how many otherwomen identified with her Like
(43:06):
these jeans were a size zero.
But in that moment it wasn't aproud one for her.
It wasn't a look at me momentI'm feeling great, you know like
it was a gut punch for her, amoment of realization that her
body was literally disappearingunder the weight of what she was
surviving.
She was being erased.
That's heavy to say out loud.
(43:28):
She looked at herself and shedidn't recognize the girl
staring back.
So this is just part one ofKiana's story and already I know
it's a lot.
It's heavy, but it's real, andI'm so grateful for her to sit
in this with us, for going backto a place that most people
(43:49):
would rather forget, so that you, listening on the other side of
this episode, you don't feellike you're the only one, and
next week we'll continue thisconversation and go deeper into
what comes next, what survivallooked like, how healing began
and what freedom really meansfor Kiana after this and if
(44:10):
you're still here listening,thank you.
Thank you for holding space forKiana and for honoring her
story and for choosing to notlook away.
And if this brought up thingsfor you, please, please, take
care of yourself, step outside,drink some water.
Journal about what came up.
Text a friend who gets it.
Join the Survivor Sisterhood onFacebook link in the show notes
(44:34):
below, because you're not meantto carry this alone.
I'll be back next Friday withpart two, but until then, keep
breaking the silence and don'tforget the world is a better
place because you're in it.
Hi, hello, welcome back to Dismissed True Stories.
I feel like I really need tofigure out how to start these
episodes.
All I know is that I don't wantto talk a lot because I hate
long intros to podcasts.
But, with that being said, Ihave to tell you something.
I just want to say one thing.
I opened up about how much Istruggled after telling my story
(00:42):
, how I fell off in my body, howmy mind was racing, how I felt
like I was just kind of rightback in it.
I was triggered, I was sleepinga lot.
There have been so many of youwho have reached out to me who
have said girl same.
So if you're feeling in any way, shape or form, like your
(01:08):
healing isn't working, likeyou're sick and tired of doing
this and like you can take 10steps forward, but then it feels
like you take nine and a halfsteps back, it's normal.
This shit is I wouldn't wish iton my worst enemy.
(01:30):
We are doing the best that wecan and even though there's like
such a clear before and afterwhen you experience abuse, right
Like that person that we werewhen we went into this
relationship, like they don'texist anymore, and I think, to
some level.
You have to grieve that.
You have to grieve that person,but also you're grieving your
(01:54):
relationship.
If you had a family with thatperson, you're grieving your
family.
Then you have to go throughthis layer of like getting angry
and making them the monster inyour story, because they are.
But then there's like thissecond level of healing that
comes along, where you're likewow, now it's time to look at
myself and that sucks, and Ithink that's what.
(02:18):
That's the place that so manyof us are in right now.
It's like looking at ourself,challenging our core beliefs,
reparenting ourselves.
It's heavy, it's hard.
I'm right there with you.
I am so right there with you.
(02:38):
There are so many times where Ijust feel so annoyed and
frustrated with myself because Ican't make myself do the things
that I want to do, because Ihave to stop and cry for a
second, or I'm so tired I'm notsleeping, I'm having nightmares,
I'm doing all the things.
It's not fair.
I just want to live a life thatI know I deserve to live.
(03:00):
I deserve to live.
And sometimes it's not possiblebecause I have CPTSD or
something comes up for me like arandom memory and I'm like holy
cow, now I have to deal withthis.
I can't just keep pushing itaway and pretending like it
doesn't happen, because thoseskeletons in my closet are
eventually going to bust out andchase me down and I'm going to
(03:22):
have to feel it whether I likeit or not.
Right, I know that I'm going ona rant, but I just had to get
that off my chest and I thinkthat's just like my long
roundabout way of saying you'renot alone.
You're not alone and I guess alittle shameless plug for the
(03:43):
group on Facebook that I'mtrying to build, the Survivor
Sisterhood.
It's a private group.
If you feel like you areisolated and alone and that no
one is healing the way thatyou're healing, or that no one
is feeling the way that you'refeeling, or even if you're still
in that relationship and youjust want a sister to stand
(04:05):
beside you, please join thegroup.
That's what it is for.
You've heard me say healinghappens in community.
I don't even know how many times, but it really freaking does,
because when I found Brandy, mysurvivor sister, and we started
talking about all the thingsthat I felt so alone in, and she
was like, oh my God, me too.
That was so validating, sohealing.
(04:27):
I did a whole 180.
I was so depressed, so low,when her and I first started
talking, when we started reallyworking on our relationship and
being vulnerable with each other.
And that's the thing that's soscary, right Like we don't want
(04:56):
to trust another person becausethe person that we gave our all
to, plus some, completelydestroyed us.
They completely broke us.
They completely drained us ofour love and our light and our
spirit and our spunk.
They completely broke us.
They completely drained us ofour love and our light and our
spirit and our spunk.
And so to go and be vulnerablewith somebody else, oh man, that
(05:17):
is so scary, but it's worth it.
And you have to listen to yourgut, to your intuition, because
I know it was talking to youwhen you were in that abusive
relationship and if you're stillin it, I know it's talking to
you right now.
It's saying girl, you got to go, girl, you got to go,
something's off.
This is not right.
You deserve more than this andyou do deserve more.
Okay, we're all in thistogether.
(05:38):
Join the group.
So I guess let's get intoKiana's episode today.
Holy cow Guys, this one satwith me.
After Kiana and I interviewed,I literally walked upstairs, sat
on my couch and stared at thewindow for I don't even know how
(05:58):
long, because I was just tryingto digest everything that she
said to me.
She really put her heart intothis.
I know that she really wantsyou to understand that, no
matter what it is that you'reexperiencing, we probably all
(06:19):
feel the same, and that is alone, confused hurt probably the
lowest that we've ever been, andso I do want to give some
trigger warnings for this.
Even though her and I didn'tkind of experience some of the
same things, this one just mademe really sad one just made me
(07:22):
really sad.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
So, with that being said, let's get into Kiana's
story.
I guess we'll start with howold were you when you met your
abuser user?
I was freshly 18, fresh out ofhigh school, sort of.
I graduated high school when Iwas 17.
So I went to California realquick for college and decided,
oh, this is not for me.
I came back home and I was just18.
So I just started working atthe Speedway around the corner
(07:45):
from my house.
I didn't have a whole lot ofdirection, you know, I was just
wandering and I think thatplayed a huge role in the way
things came to be, just becauseI didn't have anything really
going for me.
I had never had a realsignificant other Like I didn't
(08:09):
date for real in high school.
So when I met this person itwas like insane.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
And you told me well, I think that that is normal,
like a normal feeling when youkind of walk into that kind of
relationship, At least.
Maybe I don't want to saynormal, but I felt the same way.
I remember feeling like I justbeat myself up so much about
where I was in my life, I wasn'thappy with my direction and
(08:42):
where I was, and I just rememberfeeling like, oh well, this
person's the best thing that Ihave going for me and yeah, yeah
.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
Exactly that.
Speaker 1 (08:53):
I can definitely relate to you on that, yeah,
yeah, and you said that you guysmet each other like she was
originally a stranger to you,but you met off of Facebook Like
she was originally a strangerto you, but you met off of
Facebook.
Yeah, so my mind, I feel likehas deleted a lot.
If this part of Kiana's storyfeels familiar to you I know it
(09:14):
did for me that being young ordirectionalist, even lonely,
perhaps been lonely, perhaps butthis is something that I see in
a lot of your stories is thatthey don't really show up your
abuser when you're thriving and,I think, like on the outside.
(09:36):
When it comes to my own story,I looked like I was thriving
because I had my career, but Iwas so just lost on the inside
and was so unsure of who I was.
And I feel like they find youin that in-between, when you are
unsure of yourself and whenyou're craving belonging.
(09:58):
So then they show up and theyfeel like strong and sturdy and
kind of like the answer to yourlonging, to your prayers, like
the missing piece that you werelooking for.
Entering in a vulnerablechapter doesn't mean that you
(10:20):
caused what happened.
They are who they are causedwhat happened.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
They are who they are .
I remember getting a message onFacebook asking you know if I
went to a certain high schooland I was like, yeah, I just
graduated, you know whatever.
They had a lot of mutual friendson Facebook with me, which you
know deceiving becauseeverybody's friends on Facebook.
At that time this was like 2012, maybe 2011.
And yeah, it was.
(10:54):
I was intrigued because I'mlike, okay, and they asked me
about going to prom because theydidn't have a person to go to
prom with.
It was like they were justfinishing their high school year
, so they were going to prom.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
Oh, so she was a year younger than you.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
So it was like I'm allowed to go?
Okay, I guess I will, why not?
You know my one of my otherbest friends, who was also a
year younger than me.
It was her prom too, so we tookit as an opportunity to be like
hey, we get to go to promtogether, even though I am
already one year past, you Like.
So that was nice, um, but thatwas my introduction.
Like, we just started talkingon Facebook and kind of getting
(11:35):
to know each other.
Um, we met up near her house onthe South side of my town and
we just talked and talked andtalked and it felt like, holy
cow, we have a ton in common,like this is really cool.
And I had never dated, letalone dated a woman, but I
(11:58):
always knew that I was bisexual,so it was like another whole
new world, right.
So I was really excited andready to jump in, like, not that
we talked about relationshipsright then, but I was just
really excited.
So, you know, went to the promand everything was great.
We had an awesome time, um, andpretty much never left each
(12:20):
other's side.
From that point, like it was.
I don't even know how todescribe it.
Just, you know, people say, youknow they sweep you off your
feet or whatever.
But it was like a whirlwindjust hit me like a ton of bricks
and we're just, we're just init all the way Like we could get
married tomorrow.
(12:41):
We didn't, obviously, but itjust felt so like just insane
amount of loving, crazy fun,like we just did a lot of fun
things.
We could have fun walking alongin the forest and still have a
good time and joke around and itfelt good then Okay.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
So I just want to pause here for a second because
there's something reallyimportant to point out.
Did you catch when Kiana saidwe pretty much never left each
other's side from that point?
That's one of those momentsthat, in hindsight, a lot of
survivors recognize as thebeginning of what we call love
bombing I know you've heard it amillion times when things move
(13:26):
fast and they feel intense andthey just almost always seem too
good to be true, because theyoften are.
But also, I want to go back tosomething else that she said
earlier about how her brain hasdeleted a lot from that
relationship.
That's so real.
It's not weakness orforgetfulness, that's your brain
(13:47):
literally protecting you.
And I've talked about thisbefore how, like, big chunks of
my own memory are missing fromthe thick of my abuse.
And it's called trauma-relateddisassociation.
It's one of the ways that yournervous system helps you survive
something that feels impossibleat the time.
Survive something that feelsimpossible at the time.
(14:10):
Listening to that part made myheart ache a little, but you get
it.
That was just your survivalmode kicking in.
Let's get back to it.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
I didn't see it coming and being in a same-sex
relationship.
When it comes to families,people get weird, depending on
where you're, what your beliefsare, and you know my family was
very religious and it was, butthey are they accepted sort of.
I think they accepted it to apoint of like well, this is a
(14:39):
phase and we'll get through it,and when she's on the other side
, it's it'll be fine, right,like.
So they just kind of went withit.
Um, that initial reaction waskind of like oh no, you could
see it all over their faces, butthey tried their best to just
be like okay.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
To like be supportive .
Speaker 2 (14:57):
You're here now, yeah , yeah, and yeah it was like,
and yeah it was like.
I think that played a huge partin the ease of isolation,
because nobody really wanted tolike get close to her or to the
two of us, like the idea of us.
Not very many people liked it.
(15:19):
I mean, my friends were prettychill about it.
They didn't seem to be like.
They weren't like hateful oranything crazy, just not a fan
Like.
They clearly saw somethingright off the bat that I did not
and I'm.
Nobody said anything to me,probably because they were too
afraid.
Because it's my first like bigrelationship At least it felt to
(15:42):
me and it's a same sexrelationship.
Then I'm sure they felt like ifthey say anything, I'm going to
be like well.
Then I'm sure they felt like ifthey say anything, I'm going to
be like, well, you're justdoing this because she's a woman
, you know that whole thing.
And of course that's not thecase.
They genuinely had concerns,but they just didn't really tell
me about those concerns untillater when things got kind of
(16:05):
gnarly and I was too deep in tohear what they were talking
about.
I didn't care what they weresaying.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
Kiana says I was in it too deep to care what they
were saying and that rattled mybones a little bit, because
that's how abuse works it pullsyou under so slowly that you
don't even realize that you'redrowning until you're literally
gasping for air.
(16:31):
You said in the message thatyou sent me, kind of explaining
the entire relationship, yousaid that she immediately began
isolating me from my friends andfamily, me from my friends and
(16:53):
family.
So looking back, you said thatkind of like the weirdness or
maybe the tension that you feltin your family dynamic, even
though they were trying to besupportive, probably played a
role in your isolation.
But can you explain the waysthat you understand now that she
was isolating you?
Speaker 2 (17:07):
looking back, so the constant need to be together,
right, like if I wanted to goand hang out with my best friend
.
It was like, oh well, why can'tI come with you?
It's not that big of a deal,why do you have to be alone,
together?
And it's like I mean, geez,I've been alone with her many
times, I've never beenromantically interested and, of
(17:29):
course, again, I've been alonewith her many times, I've never
been romantically interested and, of course, again, I never
thought about jealousy in thatway.
Like it's my best friend.
I've never once looked at herthat way.
I don't know why you're freakingout so hard.
Like it started with that whereit was like my best friend
couldn't go anywhere with herbut without my partner.
(17:49):
Like they were always alwaysaround and or calling.
If I decided, okay, I'm justgoing to go, they're calling and
calling and texting and callingand I'm like, dude, come on,
can I have a semblance of peace,cause now we're arguing on the
phone instead of me enjoying mytime, and it makes me be like,
okay, well, forget it, I'll justcome home, cause I'm not trying
(18:12):
to do this with you.
If I can't enjoy the time,what's the point of being out
here, right, and then I juststopped trying to even be out
here because you're continuouslymaking it so unfun to be out
there.
And then when I come home,you're trying to make it all
lovey and like let's have amovie night, let's have a
whatever, like you want to makeit nice and fun to be home with
(18:33):
you and horrible to be outanywhere else.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
Okay, this is classic coercive control and it's one
of the most overlooked red flags.
Like what Kiana is describinghere, is isolation wrapped in
romance.
It wasn't you can't see yourfriends.
It was why can't I come withyou or why do you need alone
time with her.
It sounded like jealousy.
It felt like love, but what itreally was was control the
(19:00):
constant calls, the guilt trips,the blowups that ruin your
night and make you want to gohome, just to end the fight.
That's how isolation works inabusive relationships.
It's sometimes not a lockeddoor, it's emotional exhaustion.
You stop trying to make plansbecause peace is only possible
when you stay close to them.
(19:20):
And the kicker when you give inand stay, they reward you.
Movie night cuddles, yourfavorite takeout.
It makes it feel like home isthe safe place they're getting
in your head when it's actuallythe most dangerous one.
This is what we mean when wesay abuse isn't always violent.
(19:43):
Sometimes it's someone turningyour entire world into a
two-person bubble and calling itlove.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
I would go to work and she would come to my job and
just hang out.
Like I said, I worked at thegas station, she would just
stand there.
I'm at the cash register, she'sstanding over by the sodas,
standing over by the rollergrill.
If I'm over at the roller grillputting like the hot dogs and
stuff on there, she's juststanding there.
Just standing there, watching,talking to me.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
You said that she became very paranoid, that
someone, especially a man, wouldcome and steal you away.
Yeah, was that part of why shewould come into your workplace?
Speaker 2 (20:27):
I firmly believe that is why she would come into my
workplace workplace.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
I firmly believe that is why she would come into my
workplace.
Okay, chills, but not in a goodway.
I remember how subtle isolationcould be.
It doesn't always start withyou can't go anywhere.
Sometimes it's I'll come withyou and I'll wait for you at
work.
Honestly, it makes me think ofthis girl at the gym whose
boyfriend is just always there,always watching.
(20:50):
It might seem sweet at first,right, but somebody wanting to
be around you all the time,especially if it's your partner
who's constantly showing up toyour job, hovering near the soda
machine or watching your everymove while you're just trying to
earn a damn paycheck.
It's not romance, it'ssurveillance.
Oh man, the fire that I feelKiana shares that her partner
(21:16):
was paranoid that a man mightcome take her away, so she
inserted herself into everycorner of her life.
That's not love.
That's not love, that's controlrooted in fear and insecurity.
Those have no space for liketrue, actual love.
(21:42):
So if someone is trying toprotect their relationship by
shrinking your world and yourfreedom, oh babe, that is not
safe, no matter how caring itlooks on the surface.
Speaker 2 (21:59):
Especially a man.
Yes, I think that because atthat age I was looking great, if
I do say so myself.
But there's a lot.
You know, gas station is one ofthose places that, like dudes,
just do whatever and they saywhatever.
(22:19):
They do not care, they will sayanything, they'll talk to you
all kinds of crazy.
I had a man throw money over meone time, like while I'm
actively trying to do my job atthe cash register.
So it's a lot, and I guess shefelt like all that attention
(22:41):
maybe would get to my head andI'd want to leave her or
whatever.
But I had only eyes for her atthe time.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
I bet that made it hard, though, because you
probably felt like you wereconstantly having to prove your
loyalty and your love always,always, always.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
Can't look at anybody can't hang out with anybody, we
just have to and your love,always, always, always.
Like can't look at anybody,can't hang out with anybody, we
just have to be together.
And I also can't say anythingabout her hanging around my job,
even though you could make melose my job doing that.
If you don't buy something, ifyou don't, you're loitering at
this point and fortunately Iworked a three to midnight so
(23:28):
there really was not a manageron a lot, um, and maybe it made
her feel better being there atnight, especially when people
get, they get a little rowdy,but it wasn't helpful.
And you know she was moremasculine, so I don't know if
she was playing on her owninternal, I don't even know what
(23:51):
to call it.
But that mind frame of thinkingyou're going to beat somebody
up, I mean maybe you would, shedefinitely could, but just
hyper-masculine toovercompensate maybe.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
Girl.
That line between protectiveand possessive is razor thin
Holy cow and abusers can crossit early and often.
Kiana's experience at the gasstation is a textbook example of
jealousy marked as protection.
Her partner didn't trust themen who came into her workplace
(24:27):
but instead of dealing with herown insecurity or giving Kiana
the benefit of the doubt, shemade it Kiana's problem.
That's what abuse does.
It makes you feel like you'realways walking on eggshells to
prove that you're worthy ofbeing trusted, that you're
worthy of even feeling happinessas an emotion.
(24:49):
You you're responsible for howinsecure or paranoid somebody
else feels.
Saying that out loud makes mefeel gross.
But here's the thing whensomeone has to prove their
loyalty daily just to keep thepeace, it's not love.
You said a year into therelationship you decided to go
(25:10):
to college and that was a hugedeal because you were going to
be an hour away.
Can you walk me through thatsituation?
Speaker 2 (25:24):
I decided because I, like I said, I had went to
California for college,originally for fashion design,
and that just didn't work out.
I was too far away, I wasn'tenjoying myself.
Came home, you know the rest,but then I, like I said, was
just floating around.
I was in a place that I don'tknow what the heck I'm going to
do.
I don't know what I want to dowith my life.
(25:45):
And my grandparents hadencouraged me to try a local
community college and I didn'twant to be too local to the one
that's 30 minutes away.
But I decided to go an hour oryou know, a little over an hour
for creative writing and I waslike, cool, I'm going to do this
.
I, you know, got excited andcould start anew, kind of.
(26:07):
You know, I'm still in thestate, I'm still close, but I
get to be away from everybodyand kind of try to find myself.
And she was not having that Like.
She was so upset that I wouldbe that far away and neither one
of us had a car at the time.
I was using my grandpa's carwhen I was like local in town,
(26:32):
but when I moved it was buspasses and walking.
So she actually decided thatshe was going to go to and play
on.
There was like a basketballteam that she was able to do.
I feel like it was through hertherapy or like a counselor.
(26:54):
There was something weird thatshe had.
She had like a not like asocial worker, but probably
something like that and theyhooked her up with people at
this college where she couldplay basketball with them while
not being enrolled in thecollege.
(27:14):
So she might not have gone outand played like games where they
go and travel, but she could goto their practices, she could
go to their little scrimmagesand whatever.
And so that was her way in.
That was her way in to be whereI was going to be.
Now.
I was staying in a collegeapartment, so I roomed with
(27:35):
three other girls All of themwere upstairs and they were all
friends and then it was just medownstairs on the main floor and
she decided, okay, well, I'mgoing to come and just hang out
with you for a little bit whileI do my basketball thing, Right?
So she was going back and forthfor a little bit and it was
(27:55):
like every time she would comethere'd be a few more things, a
few more clothes, a few more.
You know like you're clearlyslowly moving in.
Speaker 1 (28:06):
So subtle and yet, in hindsight, so very clear.
Kiana was finally doingsomething for herself herself.
She had made a huge decision togo back to school and start
over and create some distance,but instead of celebrating that,
her partner felt threatened byit.
And this is what abuse can looklike in real life.
(28:28):
They find a way to follow you,they insert themselves into your
new chapter and, little bylittle, they blur the boundary
that you had tried to set.
I've said it before and I'llsay it again that control
doesn't always show up asscreaming or bruises.
Sometimes it shows up as aduffel bag left at your door, a
(28:51):
toothbrush in your bathroom anda visit that turns into a
move-in bathroom, and a visitthat turns into a move-in.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
This was supposed to be a fresh start for Kiana but
instead it became anotherchapter of isolation and I don't
know why I didn't stop it.
I feel like the fear was therea little bit already, just from
the arguments and the way theymade me feel.
I'm sure you can relate to this.
(29:18):
Where you're, you know you getto a point of like a fight or
flight, almost like you'rearguing and you'll do anything
to make it stop, but also thethought of breaking up.
Oh my God, I could have died.
It felt like I was dying.
If she's upset with me, I feellike I am about to just die Like
I don't know what.
(29:39):
I don't know what that's about.
Speaker 1 (29:41):
But I know what it's about and I've felt it too.
That feeling of I'd rather stayand keep the peace than break
up and fall apart.
Oh, my gosh, oh.
When you're in an abusiverelationship it creates a
chemical dependency in your body.
Your nervous system basicallygets hijacked.
You begin to associate safetywith the moments when they're
(30:04):
not upset.
So when they are, it feels likethe world is literally ending.
And when Kiana said, if she'supset with me, I feel like I'm
about to die.
That's not drama, that's thenervous system in fight or
flight.
That's a trauma bond.
Speaker 2 (30:22):
It was a thing.
So I never said anything to herabout coming to move with me,
like I could obviously tellthat's what you're doing,
without saying anything.
Until one day it was just like,okay, here's you have a ton of
clothes, and she's like I thinkit'd be better if I just stayed
here so that way I don't have togo back and forth and ask
people for rides and pay youknow whatever.
(30:43):
She doesn't work either.
So I don't even know where shewas getting this money to go
back and forth.
But I was like, okay, thatmakes sense.
You know, I love you.
This is cool If I'll make sureit's cool with them.
And they didn't seem to care atthe time.
My roommates, um, and they hadtheir own things going on.
I didn't really talk to themthat much.
(31:05):
We didn't interact a ton, sothey weren't really paying
attention to what I was doing.
But it was literally just alittle room, like you think
apartments.
It's a small room in maybe atwin or full bed that we're
sharing.
Like, yeah, completelyridiculous.
I had a bathroom directly acrossthe hall from me.
(31:26):
That was my own, so we had thatbathroom to share and then the
shared kitchen, dining, livingroom, whatever.
I worked at the same gasstation, but in this town, so it
was a few miles away.
I would walk to there and workmy three to midnight and then
walk back at midnight.
(31:46):
Sometimes she would come andwalk me, sometimes she wouldn't.
They were way more strict atthat gas station where she could
not just be standing around.
So I feel like the texting gotworse.
She knew she couldn't callbecause I wouldn't answer, but
the texting all the timethroughout the day.
And I'm like dude, I can't goto the bathroom 15,000 times to
(32:08):
text you because there's camerasright behind me.
And I feel like that's kind ofwhen things took a really gnarly
turn right, because she didn'thave as much control, she
couldn't see what was happening.
So that paranoia just escalatedto a point of like accusing all
(32:28):
the time.
It's we're arguing likenon-freaking-stop right, and
it's getting to a point nowwhere she feels comfortable to
grab me, to grab my phone, tothrow things right.
Like she didn't exactly hit methen at that point, but it was
(32:54):
then that she started to tell mebecause I would be like why are
you so insane?
Why are you doing this?
And that's when she would tellme that she had that alter ego
or extra personality.
I don't understand what it was.
She was obviously on medicationfor it and we'll get to that
part of the story later.
Okay, we'll put it in it?
(33:14):
Yeah, but she told me that and Iwas like what the hell?
Okay, how do we make sure thatdoesn't happen?
Like it was basically keepingher happy nonstop, because if
she got super upset or we gotinto an argument, it would be
like I'm not kidding.
A scene out of a movie whereher eyes close, she's quiet for
(33:37):
a couple of minutes, eyes opendifferent person immediately.
Like now she's yelling, she'sscreaming, she's throwing things
like not answering to heractual name fully a different
person.
And I was like this is somethingI've never.
I have never seen anything likethis in a movie made right Like
(34:01):
what is even happening?
And at that point it's likewhat do I do?
I don't feel like I can reallydo anything about it.
I feel like, well, if this is areal thing, am I a bad person
for running away because she hasthis thing happening?
And if I could just keep herhappy and she takes this
medication, then everythingshould be fine.
(34:23):
And it's my fault if thishappens, because I triggered her
.
I triggered the person to comeout.
Even though it's not my jobright now, I know that's not my
responsibility, but then at 18,I never didn't know any better.
Speaker 1 (34:39):
This right here.
This is one of the momentswhere so many survivors can
carry the wrong kind of weighton their shoulders.
Let's talk about what justhappened.
So Kiana was made to believethat she was responsible for
keeping her partner calm, happy,medicated, even for the
preventing of an alter egocoming out.
(35:01):
This is manipulation wrapped insomething that looks like
mental illness, but the impactis the same Fear, control,
responsibility being placed onthe victim.
So let me say it clearly foranyone who may need to hear it
you are not responsible forsomebody else's outburst.
(35:25):
You are not.
The reason that they all of asudden flip their trauma, their
diagnosis or their personalitydisorder does not ever give them
permission to abuse you.
Speaker 2 (35:44):
I'm raised, you know, to be a people pleaser,
essentially.
So I just wanted to please herand keep that ugly at bay at bay
.
But it didn't matter, because,no matter what I did, at some
point there's going to be anargument.
Whether it's how long it tookme to get home from work, even
though I'm walking two miles, itdoesn't matter if it's raining,
(36:06):
if it's snowing, if it's windy,if it's hot, it might take me a
little longer than it does LikeI'm not stopping anywhere.
It's a straight shot from hereto there.
I got to go up a hill, it'sfine, but if I took too long,
there's a problem.
Speaker 1 (36:21):
Oh, that's.
That's the equivalent of liketracking your miles on your car.
Speaker 2 (36:26):
Yeah, and I don't think that was like there
weren't like Apple tags oranything, but if there was.
I'm sure I would have had oneat that time to know where I was
going at that time to knowwhere I was going.
Speaker 1 (36:42):
Do you think?
You also said that you wentfrom a size 16 to a size zero in
four months, which is insanebecause you were walking all the
time to and from work, but alsobarely eating.
Were you barely eating becauseof the stress of this?
Speaker 2 (36:52):
relationship Most definitely Okay, but also, I did
not have access to my own money, so she didn't want me to be
able to go anywhere without her,right, so I can't go get food
without her or go to see a moviewithout her or get a bus pass
without her, like there's.
She had my wallet, my debitcards, everything I couldn't get
(37:15):
into my own stuff, and theydidn't have tap to pay on your
phone or anything like that, orat least I didn't.
I don't know if that was athing then, but yeah, so I had
no money on me almost always,like she had it, so I would walk
to work.
I'm working, like I said, threeto midnight after having gone
to class, and I haven't eatenall day having gone to class and
(37:38):
I haven't eaten all day.
Speaker 1 (37:39):
By the time I come home, it's midnight.
You were literally starving.
And then when I think aboutthis yeah, when I think about
this, I think about, like, thefact that you're not getting
enough nutrition for your brainto even like work properly, on
top of being in a situation likethat where you're in fight or
flight, where your brain doesn'twant or doesn't have the
capacity to work properly anyway, outside of just surviving.
Speaker 2 (38:03):
That's insane, one of the saddest things, like I
still hate thinking about it.
But, like you know, when you goto gas stations they have like
the roller grill food and thelittle like hot things that they
put, and so they put that stuffout and then you're supposed to
throw it away after X amount oftime.
And I would always want to bethe person to throw it away,
(38:24):
because I would bag everythingup into a separate trash bag,
hide it behind the dumpster andthen go eat it before I went
home.
So, I was literally eatingexpired food out of the trash to
get food, because I couldn't doanything like groceries.
We would go and get groceriestogether, but I'm never home to
(38:44):
eat it.
Or when I do get home, she'seaten the thing that I set aside
for myself already becauseshe's home all day.
Speaker 1 (38:50):
This part haunts me and is so sad, because she was
literally starving.
She was working a job, going tocollege, walking miles every
day and still had no access toher own food or money.
She was hiding expired foodbehind the dumpster just so she
(39:10):
could eat something.
Oh, my god, let's just call itwhat it is financial abuse.
It's not someone beingcontrolling with money.
It's the deliberate removal ofresources so a survivor has no
other option but to stay.
It's using someone's basicneeds like food, transportation
(39:33):
and access to their own incomeas weapons of control.
And then, when you layer thatwith emotional abuse, isolation,
gaslighting, paranoia, constantsurveillance, it's not a
relationship, that's prison.
And, like I said, kiana's brainwas already in survival mode,
(39:56):
her body starving, her emotionscompletely controlled by whether
or not her partner was pleased.
And yet so many survivors, somany of us don't realize that
this is abuse, because therewere no punches thrown, there
was no hospital visit, no policereport, just invisible wounds
(40:20):
and silent suffering.
This story hurts, and it should, because it's real and it might
be happening to someone rightnow who doesn't even know how to
name it.
Yet.
I'm just, I'm trying.
(40:42):
I'm not saying anything becauseI'm trying to, like, digest
this, this is, this is insaneand I'm, I'm so, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2 (40:51):
Wow, it's wild to talk about.
I feel like my therapist barelyknows these details Um, my
current therapist anyway but I Idon't think about it too much
and that's why I was like whenI'm writing my notes down to you
, it was like holy cow Cause.
(41:12):
I remember the day that I puton those size zero pants, Like
they were actually an extra pairof jeans that she had from when
she was smaller, and I don'tknow why I was putting clothes
on, trying things on nothing Ihad fit and I put them on and
I'm like holy shit, I don't knowif I can swear, Holy crap, they
(41:34):
are a size zero and I'm in them.
Like if I were to send you apicture right now of what I
looked like, I looked like abobblehead.
My head was so big.
Speaker 1 (41:42):
I do want to see so little.
Speaker 2 (41:44):
Yeah, like I will send you the pictures of them
and it's I barely recognizemyself.
I look dead in the eyes, likeyou can see me smiling in my
pictures.
You can see anybody who knowswhat that looks like can see the
dead in my eyes.
Yes, I look back on thosepictures and I'm like, oh my God
, I'm sad for that girl that I'mlooking at, because I remember
(42:08):
what that was like.
It's so ugly I can't even.
Speaker 1 (42:12):
Oh my gosh, it's something that you never forget
it's there's.
I always think that there'sthere's such a clear and
distinctive before and after,and the reason for that is
because you will literally neverbe the same person that you
were entering that relationship.
Speaker 2 (42:29):
Mm, hmm.
Speaker 1 (42:31):
Like that person is gone.
Speaker 2 (42:33):
Yeah, she died for sure in that.
Speaker 1 (42:44):
Could you imagine losing weight and it not being
something that you want tocelebrate Like how?
How layered of an experience isthat?
I shared that part whereKiana's talking about putting on
size zero jeans on my socialmedia and it's insane the
response I got of how many otherwomen identified with her Like
(43:06):
these jeans were a size zero.
But in that moment it wasn't aproud one for her.
It wasn't a look at me momentI'm feeling great, you know like
it was a gut punch for her, amoment of realization that her
body was literally disappearingunder the weight of what she was
surviving.
She was being erased.
That's heavy to say out loud.
(43:28):
She looked at herself and shedidn't recognize the girl
staring back.
So this is just part one ofKiana's story and already I know
it's a lot.
It's heavy, but it's real, andI'm so grateful for her to sit
in this with us, for going backto a place that most people
(43:49):
would rather forget, so that you, listening on the other side of
this episode, you don't feellike you're the only one, and
next week we'll continue thisconversation and go deeper into
what comes next, what survivallooked like, how healing began
and what freedom really meansfor Kiana after this and if
(44:10):
you're still here listening,thank you.
Thank you for holding space forKiana and for honoring her
story and for choosing to notlook away.
And if this brought up thingsfor you, please, please, take
care of yourself, step outside,drink some water.
Journal about what came up.
Text a friend who gets it.
Join the Survivor Sisterhood onFacebook link in the show notes
(44:34):
below, because you're not meantto carry this alone.
I'll be back next Friday withpart two, but until then, keep
breaking the silence and don'tforget the world is a better
place because you're in it.
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