June 20, 2025 • 43 mins
Healing isn't just about surviving trauma—it's about reclaiming your voice, rediscovering joy, and finally coming home to yourself. That's the powerful message at the heart of this deeply moving conversation with Stephanie, a survivor who's transforming her experiences with narcissistic abuse into creative purpose.
"I don't need anyone to call me an author. I can call myself that," Stephanie declares in what becomes one of many breakthrough moments in this episode. We explore how economic abuse continues long after physical separation, the profound process of "unlearning" who we thought our abusers were, and the liberation that comes when we stop seeking external validation.
Stephanie's journey takes us through the writing of her children's book on self-worth, the heartbreak of loss that became a catalyst for her transformation, and the disturbing patterns of narcissistic parenting that created vulnerability to similar dynamics in adult relationships. Her candid revelations about childhood experiences—where inappropriate boundaries and gaslighting were normalized—illuminate how early trauma shapes our understanding of love and safety.
What makes this episode particularly special is Stephanie's perspective on creative expression as healing. For her, writing has become meditation, a flow state where she reconnects with her authentic self. This highlights an often-overlooked truth: healing isn't just therapy sessions and painful processing—it's also about rediscovering what brings you joy and purpose.
Whether you're currently in an abusive situation, processing childhood trauma, or supporting someone who is, Stephanie offers practical wisdom: "Find your people and keep them close," and "Listen to yourself." Her story reminds us that in speaking our truth—even when our voice shakes—we not only heal ourselves but potentially help others recognize and escape similar situations.
The research is within. Your story is your data, your wisdom, and ultimately, your power. Join us for this transformative conversation about finding freedom through authenticity, creativity, and self-trust.
Support Stephanie's work! Buy her book, I Am Me and That Is Worthy:
Link coming soon!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Hey and welcome back to Dismissed True Stories.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
What a freaking week man forbeing here.
What a freaking week man.
I feel like I've been doing alot of like healing and coming
back into my body recently andI'm only sharing this with you
in hopes that, like, maybeyou'll understand what I'm
(00:35):
talking about.
But I had a panic attackyesterday because I was like, I
feel so calm, I feel I feel backin my body and I didn't know
what to do with that.
I just think that healing issuch a layered experience.
Like once you start to feelsafe, it just opens a whole
bunch of doors, doesn't it?
And we kind of talk about thattoday in this episode and
actually sitting down withStephanie again, this is part
(00:58):
two of her story.
She's a survivor.
She's a writer, a mother and awoman who has fought like hell
to reclaim her voice after abuse.
Her story covers so muchEmotional and economic abuse,
the long shadow of narcissisticparenting, the grief of
miscarriage and the awakeningthat comes when you finally say
(01:23):
enough is enough.
This episode isn't about justwhat she survived.
It's about what she's buildingnow.
We talk about how healing ismore than just therapy and
journaling.
It's rediscovering what lightsyou up, what brings you joy and
what pulls you back home toyourself.
It's vulnerable, it'svalidating, and if you've ever
(01:47):
felt ashamed for shining toobrightly, for wanting more, for
being different or for finallywalking away, this one is for
you.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
I am like feeling this sense of fulfillment now
that I didn't have previously.
But you know, um, yeah, he wasjust banking on on on my
insecurities, on my shame, and Ijust said, fuck that.
Yeah, I'm so much better.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
So, aside from uh like mental and emotional, um,
psychological and, um, probablysome financial abuse, that's
what it sounds like to me.
Was there anything else thatyou experienced in that
relationship?
Speaker 2 (02:55):
That pretty much sums it up, I think, the most
important piece for me.
These days, like the one that'sthe only thing that's still
prevalent, because everythingelse has sort of stopped.
Like he doesn't acknowledge myexistence anymore we co-parent
children and like I don't.
He doesn't give me the time ofday, he doesn't look me in the
eyes, he barely responds to atext, like we don't have any
(03:17):
communication whatsoever.
But the economic abuse is stillvery prevalent.
And at this point, like he owesme quite a bit of money and,
yeah, I was coerced last yearinto giving him a large sum of
money, um, thinking that wewould, you know, get back
together and and everythingwould magically fix itself.
Um, but that was, that was anillusion and it was a
(03:41):
manipulation and I I see it forit is now.
But what's done is done.
There's no going back, there'sonly going forward.
And I've assembled a prettydecent team around myself of
lawyers and of advocates andpeople who understand these
notions that I had very littleidea about until semi-recently.
(04:03):
I didn't know what economicabuse was.
I had really no idea and and Iwas pray for it, and I don't
even think he really knew whatit was.
But like they just allnaturally read from the exact
same textbook.
It's instinctive for them, it'ssort of mind blowing.
And I just this, likeunlearning of who I thought this
(04:23):
person was, and I just this,like unlearning of who I thought
this person was has beenmonumental and like a huge shift
for me personally.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Liberating and it allows you to, like I've said
before, like come back home toyourself, damn it.
Yeah, rediscover who you are ormaybe figure out who you were
for the first time.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
It's really not just unlearning who he, who I thought
he was, but it's learning who Iam and that's.
You know, there's this like inbetween in life when you've like
shed your old life and your oldways and you're sort of
launching into what's next,where the only person who can
really see your potential isyourself.
Like you have to see it inyourself before the rest of the
world sees it.
(05:06):
And that's how I stopped likelooking for validation in other
people and just giving myselfthat validation.
Like I know I can be great, Iknow I can be the next Rupi Kaur
and, like you know, I'm writingbooks.
I wrote a children's book.
I'm in the process ofillustrating it now and it will
eventually be published.
It's written as a child ofnarcissistic abuse and it
(05:28):
touches on themes likeself-worth and self-awareness
and self-regulation and overalllike self-acceptance.
I think those are like the fourbiggest themes out of this book
.
But those were not easy thingsto emulate, for young children
to understand, and I was somehowable to do that and that's what
(05:49):
really taught me that I am awriter, I'm an author.
I don't need anyone to call mean author, I can call myself
that.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
Okay, deep inhale with me.
Let's just take a moment tobreathe that in, shall we?
I don't need anyone to call mean author.
I can call myself that, steph.
(06:23):
This is what healing soundslike.
That is what healing soundslike, and there's a turning
point in every survivor'sjourney where you stop looking
for permission to exist, whereyou stop trying to earn the
approval from people who werenever going to see your worth in
the first place they were nevercapable of it anyway and
instead you become your ownsource.
(06:48):
Oh, just talking about thisfeels I don't know.
It just gives me the warm andfuzzies.
It feels so good For me.
That turning point came when Irealized that I didn't need him
to tell me that he was sorry.
I knew it was never going tocome and I started to give
myself my own kind of closure.
And then, once I did that, Iwas able to walk back into a
(07:12):
studio, back behind hermicrophone, and I realized that
I didn't need anyone to tell methat I'm good at what I do, like
I already know, and it'sbecause I feel so good while
doing it, like I already know,and it's because I feel so good
while doing it.
That's the only thing thatmatters.
Getting to that point, though,of giving yourself your own
(07:34):
validation, that's not easy Ithink we know that, but then
let's add another layer of likebeing groomed and gaslit and
emotionally trained to believethat your value is something
that is external, something thatyou have to perform for, and
love being something that youhave to earn.
That's why I wanted to stopright here.
(07:55):
That's why what Stephanie justsaid is so damn important,
because she didn't just write abook.
She wrote a children's book,rooted in the very healing that
she's been fighting for.
She is naming herself, she isclaiming her space, and she is
showing her kids what it lookslike when you rise Whew,
(08:21):
goosebumps.
So if you're listening and stillwaiting on someone to say that
you're enough especially if it'sthe person that hurt you you
are already enough.
You don't need the job title.
(08:42):
You don't need like.
I was looking for the apology.
That never came.
You just need to be you, andthat is more than enough.
First of all, two things Shareyour book with me, because I
would love to drop a link tothat at some point in the show
(09:08):
notes of this episode, becausethis episode will live on
forever.
And then because you saidyou're still working on
illustrations, right, yeah.
And then number two was thereanything in particular that you
remember, like, was there apractice in something where you
were like you know what no, Idon't need outside validation
(09:30):
Was there?
You said, like maybe youlaughed at yourself in the
mirror, but was there anythingelse?
Speaker 2 (09:46):
I used to have an aversion to taking baths like
that.
I just felt like I was swimmingin my own dirt, like I could
not sit in a bath for more thanthree minutes.
The only time I would ever goin was if I had like a spike in
hot fever and I needed to likeregulate my body temp.
But it was never with like theintent of self care, and it now
has become this like ritual forme.
And the night that I lost Alice, when I came home from the
hospital and I was begging myex-husband to come, come to our
(10:09):
home, my home, and, um, takecare of me or look after me or
hold my hand, until I fellasleep Like I was so miserable,
and he flat out refused, like I.
I don't know how I got myselfthere, but I somehow ended up in
the bath and that was, that wasthe turning point for me.
That was like the existentialmoment where I was like I have
(10:33):
no one but myself, myself, whilerecording this particular break
.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
And I think that I'm at the point where I'm just like
Elissa, say the things that youwant to say, and I think what I
want to say is that I know thateveryone grieves differently.
I know that not everyone knowshow to show up in the hard
moments of life, but what I'mstuck on is that no one and I
(11:13):
mean no one should have togrieve the loss of someone alone
.
To me, there's just somethingso cruel about being in that
much pain and that much loss andhaving to carry it by yourself
and and yet this is this is whatso many women end up doing, and
(11:38):
I hate that for us.
But then she said somethingthat made me stop and say okay,
I think that it's worth taking abreak and acknowledging this
too, in those moments where sheis having this earth shattering
(11:59):
experience, where her grief andher pain feel invisible.
She ended up in the bath, thesame bath that she used to avoid
, and I know that she sees itnow, but I don't think that she
probably saw it in that moment.
But that's the moment that sheshifted.
(12:20):
She realized that no one wasgoing to come sit with her, no
one was going to make space forher pain, but somehow she still
got through the night and thatwas her turning point.
That's when she started to showup for herself.
And I'm not saying that assurvivors, we need to choose to
(12:43):
go this path alone.
That's what sisterhood is for.
We really do need each other,but sometimes maybe you're all
you have in that moment.
If you are alone, this doesn'tmean that you're broken, that
(13:03):
you're weak, that you're notworthy of comfort and love and
acceptance and just to be theone who collapses.
Everyone gets those moments inlife and you are deserving of
them.
(13:28):
Moments in life and you aredeserving of them.
But also, on the other side ofthat coin, know that in that
process, you are becomingsomeone so strong, someone so
sacred, someone who's learninghow to be there for themselves,
even when no one else in theirlife knew how or was willing to.
There's going to come a momentin your healing journey when
(13:51):
you're going to look back onthese moments, these moments
that you felt so absolutelybroken, and you're going to be
like, wow, I don't even identifywith that girl anymore, with
that woman anymore, and you'regoing to hold so much space and
so much love for that version ofyourself, while knowing that
you are this healed person, andthat alone in it, in and of
(14:17):
itself, is one of the mostbeautiful gifts that you can
give yourself she's my daughter,but she was also she's like
symbolically a mom for me,because I, through her, am able
to see what I would want for myown daughter and I'm now able to
fulfill that for her in herplace and it's sort of like very
(14:40):
yeah, that makes my nose tinglelike I'm gonna start crying.
I think I think that's beautiful, not only because, like I, I
want.
I want a daughter of my ownsomeday, but just like allowing.
You can't see me in this momentand I want to stop here because
I don't think that the audiodoes this particular part any
(15:05):
kind of justice.
But I was tearing up as shespoke.
I felt it in my chest, in mythroat, in the nose burn or the
tingles that you get rightbefore you start to cry, and I
just want you to know that thispart it wasn't just a
conversation.
It was such a sacred moment theway that Stephanie spoke about
(15:27):
Alice, how losing her gave her anew kind of clarity, in a way,
and how her daughter became amirror for what she needed to
become for herself that I wasjust wrapped up in a moment, and
I think for those of us whohave lost someone, who have ever
(15:48):
longed to mother a daughter,like myself, there's something
really powerful in how she saidwhat she said, like I'm able to
fulfill what I've wanted for mydaughter, for myself.
Holy cow, stephanie, I am soproud of the ways that you are
healing.
(16:08):
It's not even about, like,replacing someone that you lost.
It's about honoring them byfinally choosing to love you.
This part made my chest acheand I just thought that it was
worth stopping for a moment.
I think one of the mostpowerful things for us,
especially as mothers, is torealize that if we don't first
(16:32):
heal ourselves, how can we everheal our children and show them
what is healthy?
And my child was a drivingforce for me.
So when you talk about Aliceand being that driving force for
you, it deeply resonates and Ijust think that that's so
(16:55):
beautiful and I also take baths.
There's something about justlike sitting in the water for me
, where I just owning it.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
I'm like.
You know what I I am.
The title of my children's bookis I am me, and that is worthy,
and that's actually the firsttime I like share it out loud,
(17:26):
so thanks for sharing it hereyeah, of course.
Um, that's amazing yeah and I'malso writing my own book, like
it's it's a book about my lifestory and it starts with the
piece of writing where it's Ihope this finds you unwell and
it goes into a lot more.
There's it sort of reads like apersonal journal, like it's
(17:49):
like journal entries, and thenlike, mixed in between, there's
a bunch of poetry.
I love poetry that's likereally, really resonates.
I would love to send you a copy?
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely so.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Yeah, so it's not finished yet Because I think
it'll take me.
It'll take me like the full yearto finish it.
So I'm expecting to publish myown book next year, Okay, but I
think it's like important toshow the process of healing and
it's it's very raw and it's likeit's very much happening and
(18:24):
sometimes I wake up at four inthe morning and I'm like struck
with like a trigger or a memoryor like a dream, like you had
yesterday, like very much likevivid thinking and that's what
drives the writing, and so I'mjust leaning into that process
fully.
But I shared my work with mytherapist who did the EMDR on me
and she I asked her if shewould write the foreword to my
book and she accepted and shefinally sent me her piece of
(18:49):
writing over the weekend and itis so poignant like it will be
the hardest thing for me to keepthis one under wraps until it's
published, because I've neverseen a more touching like piece
of writing in my life that'sincredible and it speaks to the
person that you are now, theperson that you fought so hard
to become like.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
I hope that you're able to like you should frame
that writing, I know, in youroffice somewhere.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
I think I will and put it in your office somewhere.
I know.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
I think that's beautiful, I think you're a
badass and your episode and yourstory is going to be such an
inspiration to so many women outthere.
I know that there are manysurvivors who want to write
their own story, write their ownstory.
(19:44):
Um, I for one am not a writerbut, um, the process of writing
my own story, even for thisseason, has been exhausting.
To to really reach in and tosit in that emotion and to find
words for it.
Um, and then not only that, butyou have to feel, you have to
feel through it at the same time.
Um, and the fact that you'vejust, you've just gone for it,
(20:06):
that's incredible.
I never.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
I never know what the end of my articles will look
like.
Like I I have a rough idea.
Like this the article I postedthis morning was about this love
, this new love that I've, thatI've recently found, and it's
called we can talk about that.
It's called love after abusedoesn't feel like falling, it's
rising and that's what that's.
(20:29):
That was like the only realidea I had when I started
writing, and then I just typeaway, like my brain just sort of
goes into this autopilot modewhere everything just pours out
of me and then there's a product.
So it's really about likeleaning in.
It's almost like hypnosis.
It's the best feeling ever.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
I think that sometimes healing gets framed
like it's all therapy sessions,journaling, crying, sitting in
the emotion or in the pain and,yes, absolutely those things
matter.
The only way through it isthrough it.
But healing isn't just abouteverything feeling hard or
(21:10):
exhausting.
It's also about finding whatbrings you back to life.
For Stephanie that's writingshe calls it hypnosis, I call it
meditation, some people call ita flow state, but whatever you
call it, it's that thing thatpours out of you when you stop
trying to prove yourself and youallow yourself to just freaking
(21:33):
be.
That's the thing that lets yoursoul take this full exhale, the
thing that says you're safe nowyou're home.
Healing doesn't always look likesobbing and therapy I mean,
sometimes it does, but sometimesit looks like writing a
children's book or dancing whileyou clean or editing audio at
(21:57):
midnight, because it makes youfeel like you again.
It's the part of healing thatwe don't talk about enough.
It's not just the surviving,it's the reclaiming process.
There is another side to thisand it might not look like joy
(22:18):
at first, but it will alwayslook like peace and then
creativity and then eventually,freedom.
It's meditation, yes.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
Meditation, 100% I agree.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
I agree, I get there too.
I get there too, like when I'min my little studio and I'm like
, ooh, this sound in this fightis going to go so well together,
and then I can like break ithere and then I can come in with
my sidebar commentary.
I totally get it.
It's a passion project and yourpassion, will and your passion,
your strength and your healingare certainly.
(22:58):
I can't wait to read it.
That's exciting, yeah, so I knowthat we talked a little bit
about the things that went on inyour story and, while I do
think that everything that youhave experienced is extremely
important, I feel like this hasbecome kind of a different story
(23:22):
and I want to maybe nudge youto write more about and this is
just what I've learned from youand talking to you today but
maybe nudge you to write moreabout your upbringing.
It plays such a role in yourromantic partner abuse, but also
(23:49):
your healing, because I thinkthat there's so much more there,
because I think that there's somuch more there and I feel like
you and I we could probably doa whole episode on just what
post abuse has looked like foryou.
Yeah, I think you're veryinspiring and do you see that?
Speaker 2 (24:14):
in yourself.
I do, I do see it now.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
Yeah, now I do, I do see it now?
Speaker 2 (24:18):
Yeah, Now I do.
I didn't for the longest time,but I have started listening to
people when they tell me andI've gotten like such an intense
response from people who I'vehardly spoken to in my life,
like either vocalizing theirabuse for the first time ever,
like letting me know likethey're in an unsafe situation
(24:38):
right now and they don't knowhow to get out of it.
But watching my videos andseeing everything that I share
has been like sort of their,their enlightenment.
That that has really taught meto like believe that I am
inspiring and and there is agreater purpose to everything
that I'm doing, and to shut outthat it sort of like dims out
(25:00):
the noise of like my ex-husbandand his flying monkeys just
talking shit.
Like yeah.
I don't really care for itanymore.
If you want to share my video,if you want to.
If you want to talk shit abouta girl that looks happy like, by
all means, you know what?
Speaker 1 (25:14):
does that say about you?
Really, you're miserable andwe've known that from the
beginning.
It just became so much clearerafter the fact, because 2020
baby yeah, hindsight is 2020.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
I have like never been happier, never been more
fulfilled.
Like I'm still strugglingfinancially and there's good
reason for that but, beyondfinancial struggle, like I am
soaring to new heights.
I didn't think that that waseven possible, but the journey
has really taken me far and it's.
I've got a lot further to go,but, yeah, the connections that
(25:52):
I've made along the way havebeen like super, super impactful
along the way has been likesuper, super impactful.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
And yeah, it all comes from just like being brave
enough to be like.
This thing happened to me andit wasn't right yeah that's all
it is.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
It really it looks simple.
It looks very simple.
You know it's.
The bottom line is that I'mtalking about my own life, Like
I'm not having to do a ton ofresearch to put to put my
writing out there.
There's no research to be done.
It's really the research iswithin the research is within.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Oh my God, what a mic drop moment I loved when she
said this when it comes to youand your experiences and your
story, you lived it.
You felt every shift in the air.
You memorized the silencebefore the storm.
(26:47):
You learned to decode everymood, every manipulation, every
moment of gaslight, everyfootstep that came down the
hallway.
It's not just survival, it'sdata, and when you speak it out
loud, it becomes wisdom.
(27:07):
That's why I've said tellingyour story.
That's the bravest and mostprofound thing you can do.
And you know what happens whenyou start speaking it
shamelessly, not perfectly, notpolished.
Life opens up.
People start saying me too.
(27:27):
That's how I met one of my verybest friends.
I started posting.
You realize that you're notalone.
Healing isn't about getting itall together.
It's about no longer carryingthe shame that was never yours
to carry in the first place.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
And I think for me that's the hardest part.
It looks easy and you know, asyou said, diving into my
childhood a lot more there.
That's that's the bulk of it.
That is the bulk of it thatneeds to be put in writing and
I'm slowly getting there, like I.
Just a couple weeks ago, I waslike scrolling on Instagram and
I saw this like video go by oflike five signs of a toxic,
(28:12):
narcissistic parent or somethinglike that, and I just watching
it and he said something in thevideo and it like I had like a
snap memory of like something mymom did when I was a child,
like she would always call me adrama queen and she was a
teacher she still is, um and shewould have these like
initiation parties at our housefor hockey team, like the boys
(28:36):
hockey team, because she waslike an assistant coach or
whatever.
It was like highly inappropriateand like very kept under wraps,
like yeah, they don't know theydon't know boundaries very well
, but anyways, there was likesome really shady shit going on
inside my own house, like youknow.
Guys would get like rookieswould have to get naked and do
(28:58):
pushups and like have theirgenitals like dip into this like
cup of water and the first guywho would get hard from it would
have to drink from all the cups.
And then they would have to likesuck on tampons that were
dipped in Tabasco and like doall these like whack, wacky
shits that like were happeninginside my house, like I saw it
(29:20):
happen.
And then at one point I rememberand this happened like over
several years, like this was arecurring occurrence my mom let
them like storm my room and goin my underwear drawer and like
put my underwear on and theywould like parade my underwear
in the house and like I rememberthis like bright pink pair of
(29:40):
like booty shorts I had and theywould like put it on and walk
around the house with it Likeand I would be there, I would be
there and I would be mocked.
I would be called a drama queenif I said anything bad about it
.
And yeah, it was an awfulexperience and I hadn't thought
of that Since, since it happenedpretty much, I had blocked it
(30:01):
out completely's the most randomthing that triggers a flashback
and then all of a sudden you'rethere and you're like holy cow
(30:25):
symptom of gaslighting, though,like my mom, still to this day,
would always say that's not howit happened, like this is you
know.
Bring into question my reality,bring into question what I
remember from a specific event,like always, always having the
final word and it's just like.
No, I very much rememberwanting to go to sleep one night
(30:46):
, and then I did, and those boyscame storming into my room and
threw eggs in my bed to wake meup and I had to clean that mess.
And you let them do that, likethat actually happened.
You want to say otherwise?
I don't think so.
Speaker 1 (30:59):
Like okay, I didn't want to say anything in the
moment while we were recordingthis conversation, because I
wanted to give Stephanie thespace to share that memory.
But let me just stop right hereand say what so many of us I am
positive are thinking.
What the actual fuck?
That wasn't just inappropriate.
That wasn't just inappropriate.
(31:21):
That wasn't just the lack ofboundaries.
That was full-on betrayal fromher mother.
In her own home, stephanie wastold that she was being dramatic
, that it wasn't that bad.
Stephanie was told that she wasbeing dramatic, that it wasn't
that bad, that she was theproblem.
Not the actions, not the peopleinvolved, not the complete
(31:43):
breakdown of safety andprotection Her A child.
This is what narcissisticparents do.
They don't think about theimpact, they think about the
optics.
Will this make me look cool?
Will people like me more If Iallow this?
(32:05):
Will I be accepted?
It's all about their image.
The approval of strangersbecomes more important than the
safety of their own child, andthe child is left not just
unsafe but silenced.
Maybe, if you're listening tothis right now, you don't have
(32:25):
the same story, but you mighthave the same feeling of being
unprotected or being erased.
Stephanie's memory is valid.
Her anger is valid, and so isyours.
You were not making it up, youwere not overreacting, and no
(32:50):
matter how many times someonetries to rewrite your past, you
know what happened, your memoryand your truth.
That is your power.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
Being removed from that, having finally cut her off
, gives me that ability now tothink for myself and to be free.
Speaker 1 (33:14):
Removing that outside noise is so important.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
Yeah, yeah.
The focus is always on oh, oh,well, you only have one parent.
Like why would you, why wouldyou cut your parent off, like
that.
And it's like well, they onlyhad one child and they decided
to treat them as such.
Like why don't we bring thefocus on that instead?
Speaker 1 (33:36):
and.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
I think a lot more people resonate with that
nowadays, Like there's there'sthis movement happening of like
adult children like cutting offtheir parents, and so many
people relate to it.
Speaker 1 (33:49):
Because people are waking up.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
They're waking up to the realization that, like holy
cow, the things that I wentthrough were not okay, I get a
bigger response from things Ishare about my childhood online
than I do from things that Ishare about my relationship.
Like, people are sympatheticbut not everyone experiences
narcissism in theirrelationships, whereas a lot of
people have experiencedchildhood trauma.
(34:12):
Pretty much like everyone hasexperienced some form of
childhood trauma and I don'tknow if it's like the shocking
factor of it or what it is, but,yeah, people relate to the fact
that you're a child and youjust don't have the tools to
comprehend, or yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:32):
Under I mean feel your way through it, navigate it
, yeah my mom was a high school.
Speaker 2 (34:38):
Well, she is still a high school teacher.
So everyone I grew up with knewmy mom and had some form of
interaction with her and for themost part, you know she was a
decent teacher.
So, but there are some peoplethat have reached out to me.
Being like your mom was awfulto me growing up and I had no
idea that she would treat youthis way, but, like I, this one
(34:58):
girl was like.
I'm in my 30s and I still thinkof those things your mom said
to me in class, like that's howimpactful she was on some people
.
So, and there's a common themeand every single person that has
told me that they've had anegative experience with my mom
is that they're women andthey're outspoken, and it's
always the same the trigger forher.
Speaker 1 (35:20):
Yeah, so in part one, stephanie had shared something
that I want to remind you of inthis break.
She said that her mom is deeply, deeply ashamed of herself and
that shame obviously doesn'tjust sit quietly.
That shame lashes out, and whodoes it attack?
Flame lashes out, and who doesit attack?
(35:46):
It attacks the confidence, theauthenticity.
It attacks women who take upspace and speak their truth,
even teenage girls sitting inclassrooms.
So when she said that everywoman who was mistreated by her
mom in school was confident andoutspoken, that tracks, because
confident women are a mirrorthat narcissistic people can't
stand to look into.
They don't want to see who theycould have been.
(36:09):
They don't want to have to facewhat they've never healed, and
that includes their owndaughters.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
So I feel really sorry for those people and I
like I think there's such suchfreedom and finally expressing
my own experience about it andalso hearing other people's like
side of it.
But there's this phenomenon oflike cognitive dissonance right,
that happens in narcissism,where they either show like this
(36:39):
amazing side to them or thereare the few select people who
see this like monstrous side andit's being unable to then like
reconcile both of those togetheras being the same person.
So that's happening not only tome but to my audience.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
I think it's really important to note here that two
things can be true at the sametime, exactly, yeah, yeah, I
have two questions for youbefore we wrap up.
One is a question that I askeveryone who comes on here who
has experienced an abusiveromantic relationship, and that
(37:23):
is, if anyone is listening tothis episode, who is still in a
relationship and they arelooking to leave, what one piece
of advice would you give them?
Speaker 2 (37:34):
Find your people and keep them close, cause I think
isolation is a huge factor and Ithink it's also really hard for
people who are your loved onesseeing you experiencing abuse
and if they're, you know,pulling away a little bit.
Keep them close.
Maybe let someone know yeah, I,my best friend of 11 years.
(37:57):
Like, yeah, I, my best friendof 11 years.
Like the times in my life wherewe have kept least in touch
were the times in my life whereI was being most abused.
Yes, because abusers areproficient at isolating you from
(38:19):
your loved ones, and she hasbeen my source of light and she
has always been there to pick upthe phone whenever I needed it.
But I think it was also reallyhard for her at some point to
see me experiencing that and,you know, signaling it to me and
me not being ready to hear itfully or to see it for myself.
(38:40):
But once you start to see it,that's when everything changes
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (38:46):
Exactly yeah.
And my second question would bewhat piece of advice would you
give to someone who maybe isjust waking up and realizing
that the things that they wentthrough in their childhood was
not okay?
Speaker 2 (39:05):
Listen to yourself, like don't.
I think outside influence isthe most harmful thing.
Writing it down is incrediblyhelpful and, you know, this is
something that I'm still workingthrough.
I write about a lot of stuff,but writing about my childhood
is by far the hardest to do.
Yeah, so I'm still I'm stillcoming around to that, but it's
(39:27):
proven like massively helpfuland it's given me, like, such a
huge shift in realizing thatthere is a healthy path forward.
There are people in this lifethat have grown up with secure
attachments and, you know, helplead a better lifestyle for you,
and and learning aboutattachment styles and and how
those are built um is alsohugely helpful.
(39:51):
Reading books I know that, like,not everyone has time for
reading audiobooks are superhelpful too, and most of the
books on these topics, likenarcissism and abuse, are very
like they're not subtle.
You know.
It says it on the title, likehow to deal with the narcissist
in your life.
Like you obviously can't readthat around someone right,
(40:11):
causing you harm, like that's,you know so audible might be
your best option.
Yeah, or some podcast, or yeah,I get it exactly like find
people who are sharing authenticaccounts of what they've
experienced, like people likeyou and I, like I think have
have helped me tremendously inunderstanding my own path and
(40:34):
and I just want to say before wefinish up that, like what
you're doing is amazing, thankyou, and yeah, it's gonna change
a lot of lives and I hope I canhelp you, like, bring this
forward, you're giving me nosetingles.
I know that, like I havesomewhat of an audience that
(40:54):
cares for for what I have to say, and I like I prefer writing,
but people like to hear itcoming from from like my mouth,
so I'm hopeful that I will drivea bit of traffic onto your page
and help you grow.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:12):
Well, thank you so much for chatting with me today.
It was cool to learn more aboutyou and just to see how
inspiring you are, especiallylike in your healing journey.
I will always root for asurvivor who is just so
authentically becoming who theywere meant to be and to chase
after the things that theydeserve to, and you are
(41:35):
definitely one of those.
So thank you for being here.
I fully support you.
I can't wait to share thisepisode and I hope we keep in
touch.
Speaker 2 (41:46):
Of course we will, absolutely.
It was really nice to make theconnection.
Finally, I love your cartoon.
Speaker 1 (41:52):
I love everything that you do.
Thank you so much.
What a journey.
If there's one thing that Ihope that you are able to take
with you from today's episode,it is that you are allowed to
trust yourself, even if othershave spent years trying to make
(42:13):
you doubt your reality.
Stephanie reminded us thathealing starts with validation,
not just from others, but fromwithin.
From saying this happened to me, from choosing joy without
shame, from sharing your storyeven when you're scared to even
when your voice shakes.
And her advice Find your peopleand keep them close.
(42:36):
And if you're just now wakingup to the pain from your past,
listen to yourself, write itdown.
There's a healthy path forwardand you don't have to have all
the answers, okay.
You don't even have to be readyright now, but if you're here
and you're listening, thenyou've already taken the first
(42:57):
step and I'm really freakingproud of you.
If this episode resonated withyou, please do me, please do us
a favor.
Leave a five-star review, shareit with someone who needs it
and maybe follow along on socialmedia, on TikTok, at
thedvsurvivor.
Every review, every share,every comment helps this podcast
(43:26):
find the survivors who feellike no one sees them.
Let's keep breaking the silencetogether and remember the world
is a better place because youare in it.
Hey and welcome back to Dismissed True Stories.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
What a freaking week man forbeing here.
What a freaking week man.
I feel like I've been doing alot of like healing and coming
back into my body recently andI'm only sharing this with you
in hopes that, like, maybeyou'll understand what I'm
(00:35):
talking about.
But I had a panic attackyesterday because I was like, I
feel so calm, I feel I feel backin my body and I didn't know
what to do with that.
I just think that healing issuch a layered experience.
Like once you start to feelsafe, it just opens a whole
bunch of doors, doesn't it?
And we kind of talk about thattoday in this episode and
actually sitting down withStephanie again, this is part
(00:58):
two of her story.
She's a survivor.
She's a writer, a mother and awoman who has fought like hell
to reclaim her voice after abuse.
Her story covers so muchEmotional and economic abuse,
the long shadow of narcissisticparenting, the grief of
miscarriage and the awakeningthat comes when you finally say
(01:23):
enough is enough.
This episode isn't about justwhat she survived.
It's about what she's buildingnow.
We talk about how healing ismore than just therapy and
journaling.
It's rediscovering what lightsyou up, what brings you joy and
what pulls you back home toyourself.
It's vulnerable, it'svalidating, and if you've ever
(01:47):
felt ashamed for shining toobrightly, for wanting more, for
being different or for finallywalking away, this one is for
you.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
I am like feeling this sense of fulfillment now
that I didn't have previously.
But you know, um, yeah, he wasjust banking on on on my
insecurities, on my shame, and Ijust said, fuck that.
Yeah, I'm so much better.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
So, aside from uh like mental and emotional, um,
psychological and, um, probablysome financial abuse, that's
what it sounds like to me.
Was there anything else thatyou experienced in that
relationship?
Speaker 2 (02:55):
That pretty much sums it up, I think, the most
important piece for me.
These days, like the one that'sthe only thing that's still
prevalent, because everythingelse has sort of stopped.
Like he doesn't acknowledge myexistence anymore we co-parent
children and like I don't.
He doesn't give me the time ofday, he doesn't look me in the
eyes, he barely responds to atext, like we don't have any
(03:17):
communication whatsoever.
But the economic abuse is stillvery prevalent.
And at this point, like he owesme quite a bit of money and,
yeah, I was coerced last yearinto giving him a large sum of
money, um, thinking that wewould, you know, get back
together and and everythingwould magically fix itself.
Um, but that was, that was anillusion and it was a
(03:41):
manipulation and I I see it forit is now.
But what's done is done.
There's no going back, there'sonly going forward.
And I've assembled a prettydecent team around myself of
lawyers and of advocates andpeople who understand these
notions that I had very littleidea about until semi-recently.
(04:03):
I didn't know what economicabuse was.
I had really no idea and and Iwas pray for it, and I don't
even think he really knew whatit was.
But like they just allnaturally read from the exact
same textbook.
It's instinctive for them, it'ssort of mind blowing.
And I just this, likeunlearning of who I thought this
(04:23):
person was, and I just this,like unlearning of who I thought
this person was has beenmonumental and like a huge shift
for me personally.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Liberating and it allows you to, like I've said
before, like come back home toyourself, damn it.
Yeah, rediscover who you are ormaybe figure out who you were
for the first time.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
It's really not just unlearning who he, who I thought
he was, but it's learning who Iam and that's.
You know, there's this like inbetween in life when you've like
shed your old life and your oldways and you're sort of
launching into what's next,where the only person who can
really see your potential isyourself.
Like you have to see it inyourself before the rest of the
world sees it.
(05:06):
And that's how I stopped likelooking for validation in other
people and just giving myselfthat validation.
Like I know I can be great, Iknow I can be the next Rupi Kaur
and, like you know, I'm writingbooks.
I wrote a children's book.
I'm in the process ofillustrating it now and it will
eventually be published.
It's written as a child ofnarcissistic abuse and it
(05:28):
touches on themes likeself-worth and self-awareness
and self-regulation and overalllike self-acceptance.
I think those are like the fourbiggest themes out of this book
.
But those were not easy thingsto emulate, for young children
to understand, and I was somehowable to do that and that's what
(05:49):
really taught me that I am awriter, I'm an author.
I don't need anyone to call mean author, I can call myself
that.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
Okay, deep inhale with me.
Let's just take a moment tobreathe that in, shall we?
I don't need anyone to call mean author.
I can call myself that, steph.
(06:23):
This is what healing soundslike.
That is what healing soundslike, and there's a turning
point in every survivor'sjourney where you stop looking
for permission to exist, whereyou stop trying to earn the
approval from people who werenever going to see your worth in
the first place they were nevercapable of it anyway and
instead you become your ownsource.
(06:48):
Oh, just talking about thisfeels I don't know.
It just gives me the warm andfuzzies.
It feels so good For me.
That turning point came when Irealized that I didn't need him
to tell me that he was sorry.
I knew it was never going tocome and I started to give
myself my own kind of closure.
And then, once I did that, Iwas able to walk back into a
(07:12):
studio, back behind hermicrophone, and I realized that
I didn't need anyone to tell methat I'm good at what I do, like
I already know, and it'sbecause I feel so good while
doing it, like I already know,and it's because I feel so good
while doing it.
That's the only thing thatmatters.
Getting to that point, though,of giving yourself your own
(07:34):
validation, that's not easy Ithink we know that, but then
let's add another layer of likebeing groomed and gaslit and
emotionally trained to believethat your value is something
that is external, something thatyou have to perform for, and
love being something that youhave to earn.
That's why I wanted to stopright here.
(07:55):
That's why what Stephanie justsaid is so damn important,
because she didn't just write abook.
She wrote a children's book,rooted in the very healing that
she's been fighting for.
She is naming herself, she isclaiming her space, and she is
showing her kids what it lookslike when you rise Whew,
(08:21):
goosebumps.
So if you're listening and stillwaiting on someone to say that
you're enough especially if it'sthe person that hurt you you
are already enough.
You don't need the job title.
(08:42):
You don't need like.
I was looking for the apology.
That never came.
You just need to be you, andthat is more than enough.
First of all, two things Shareyour book with me, because I
would love to drop a link tothat at some point in the show
(09:08):
notes of this episode, becausethis episode will live on
forever.
And then because you saidyou're still working on
illustrations, right, yeah.
And then number two was thereanything in particular that you
remember, like, was there apractice in something where you
were like you know what no, Idon't need outside validation
(09:30):
Was there?
You said, like maybe youlaughed at yourself in the
mirror, but was there anythingelse?
Speaker 2 (09:46):
I used to have an aversion to taking baths like
that.
I just felt like I was swimmingin my own dirt, like I could
not sit in a bath for more thanthree minutes.
The only time I would ever goin was if I had like a spike in
hot fever and I needed to likeregulate my body temp.
But it was never with like theintent of self care, and it now
has become this like ritual forme.
And the night that I lost Alice, when I came home from the
hospital and I was begging myex-husband to come, come to our
(10:09):
home, my home, and, um, takecare of me or look after me or
hold my hand, until I fellasleep Like I was so miserable,
and he flat out refused, like I.
I don't know how I got myselfthere, but I somehow ended up in
the bath and that was, that wasthe turning point for me.
That was like the existentialmoment where I was like I have
(10:33):
no one but myself, myself, whilerecording this particular break
.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
And I think that I'm at the point where I'm just like
Elissa, say the things that youwant to say, and I think what I
want to say is that I know thateveryone grieves differently.
I know that not everyone knowshow to show up in the hard
moments of life, but what I'mstuck on is that no one and I
(11:13):
mean no one should have togrieve the loss of someone alone
.
To me, there's just somethingso cruel about being in that
much pain and that much loss andhaving to carry it by yourself
and and yet this is this is whatso many women end up doing, and
(11:38):
I hate that for us.
But then she said somethingthat made me stop and say okay,
I think that it's worth taking abreak and acknowledging this
too, in those moments where sheis having this earth shattering
(11:59):
experience, where her grief andher pain feel invisible.
She ended up in the bath, thesame bath that she used to avoid
, and I know that she sees itnow, but I don't think that she
probably saw it in that moment.
But that's the moment that sheshifted.
(12:20):
She realized that no one wasgoing to come sit with her, no
one was going to make space forher pain, but somehow she still
got through the night and thatwas her turning point.
That's when she started to showup for herself.
And I'm not saying that assurvivors, we need to choose to
(12:43):
go this path alone.
That's what sisterhood is for.
We really do need each other,but sometimes maybe you're all
you have in that moment.
If you are alone, this doesn'tmean that you're broken, that
(13:03):
you're weak, that you're notworthy of comfort and love and
acceptance and just to be theone who collapses.
Everyone gets those moments inlife and you are deserving of
them.
(13:28):
Moments in life and you aredeserving of them.
But also, on the other side ofthat coin, know that in that
process, you are becomingsomeone so strong, someone so
sacred, someone who's learninghow to be there for themselves,
even when no one else in theirlife knew how or was willing to.
There's going to come a momentin your healing journey when
(13:51):
you're going to look back onthese moments, these moments
that you felt so absolutelybroken, and you're going to be
like, wow, I don't even identifywith that girl anymore, with
that woman anymore, and you'regoing to hold so much space and
so much love for that version ofyourself, while knowing that
you are this healed person, andthat alone in it, in and of
(14:17):
itself, is one of the mostbeautiful gifts that you can
give yourself she's my daughter,but she was also she's like
symbolically a mom for me,because I, through her, am able
to see what I would want for myown daughter and I'm now able to
fulfill that for her in herplace and it's sort of like very
(14:40):
yeah, that makes my nose tinglelike I'm gonna start crying.
I think I think that's beautiful, not only because, like I, I
want.
I want a daughter of my ownsomeday, but just like allowing.
You can't see me in this momentand I want to stop here because
I don't think that the audiodoes this particular part any
(15:05):
kind of justice.
But I was tearing up as shespoke.
I felt it in my chest, in mythroat, in the nose burn or the
tingles that you get rightbefore you start to cry, and I
just want you to know that thispart it wasn't just a
conversation.
It was such a sacred moment theway that Stephanie spoke about
(15:27):
Alice, how losing her gave her anew kind of clarity, in a way,
and how her daughter became amirror for what she needed to
become for herself that I wasjust wrapped up in a moment, and
I think for those of us whohave lost someone, who have ever
(15:48):
longed to mother a daughter,like myself, there's something
really powerful in how she saidwhat she said, like I'm able to
fulfill what I've wanted for mydaughter, for myself.
Holy cow, stephanie, I am soproud of the ways that you are
healing.
(16:08):
It's not even about, like,replacing someone that you lost.
It's about honoring them byfinally choosing to love you.
This part made my chest acheand I just thought that it was
worth stopping for a moment.
I think one of the mostpowerful things for us,
especially as mothers, is torealize that if we don't first
(16:32):
heal ourselves, how can we everheal our children and show them
what is healthy?
And my child was a drivingforce for me.
So when you talk about Aliceand being that driving force for
you, it deeply resonates and Ijust think that that's so
(16:55):
beautiful and I also take baths.
There's something about justlike sitting in the water for me
, where I just owning it.
Speaker 2 (17:04):
I'm like.
You know what I I am.
The title of my children's bookis I am me, and that is worthy,
and that's actually the firsttime I like share it out loud,
(17:26):
so thanks for sharing it hereyeah, of course.
Um, that's amazing yeah and I'malso writing my own book, like
it's it's a book about my lifestory and it starts with the
piece of writing where it's Ihope this finds you unwell and
it goes into a lot more.
There's it sort of reads like apersonal journal, like it's
(17:49):
like journal entries, and thenlike, mixed in between, there's
a bunch of poetry.
I love poetry that's likereally, really resonates.
I would love to send you a copy?
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely so.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Yeah, so it's not finished yet Because I think
it'll take me.
It'll take me like the full yearto finish it.
So I'm expecting to publish myown book next year, Okay, but I
think it's like important toshow the process of healing and
it's it's very raw and it's likeit's very much happening and
(18:24):
sometimes I wake up at four inthe morning and I'm like struck
with like a trigger or a memoryor like a dream, like you had
yesterday, like very much likevivid thinking and that's what
drives the writing, and so I'mjust leaning into that process
fully.
But I shared my work with mytherapist who did the EMDR on me
and she I asked her if shewould write the foreword to my
book and she accepted and shefinally sent me her piece of
(18:49):
writing over the weekend and itis so poignant like it will be
the hardest thing for me to keepthis one under wraps until it's
published, because I've neverseen a more touching like piece
of writing in my life that'sincredible and it speaks to the
person that you are now, theperson that you fought so hard
to become like.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
I hope that you're able to like you should frame
that writing, I know, in youroffice somewhere.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
I think I will and put it in your office somewhere.
I know.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
I think that's beautiful, I think you're a
badass and your episode and yourstory is going to be such an
inspiration to so many women outthere.
I know that there are manysurvivors who want to write
their own story, write their ownstory.
(19:44):
Um, I for one am not a writerbut, um, the process of writing
my own story, even for thisseason, has been exhausting.
To to really reach in and tosit in that emotion and to find
words for it.
Um, and then not only that, butyou have to feel, you have to
feel through it at the same time.
Um, and the fact that you'vejust, you've just gone for it,
(20:06):
that's incredible.
I never.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
I never know what the end of my articles will look
like.
Like I I have a rough idea.
Like this the article I postedthis morning was about this love
, this new love that I've, thatI've recently found, and it's
called we can talk about that.
It's called love after abusedoesn't feel like falling, it's
rising and that's what that's.
(20:29):
That was like the only realidea I had when I started
writing, and then I just typeaway, like my brain just sort of
goes into this autopilot modewhere everything just pours out
of me and then there's a product.
So it's really about likeleaning in.
It's almost like hypnosis.
It's the best feeling ever.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
I think that sometimes healing gets framed
like it's all therapy sessions,journaling, crying, sitting in
the emotion or in the pain and,yes, absolutely those things
matter.
The only way through it isthrough it.
But healing isn't just abouteverything feeling hard or
(21:10):
exhausting.
It's also about finding whatbrings you back to life.
For Stephanie that's writingshe calls it hypnosis, I call it
meditation, some people call ita flow state, but whatever you
call it, it's that thing thatpours out of you when you stop
trying to prove yourself and youallow yourself to just freaking
(21:33):
be.
That's the thing that lets yoursoul take this full exhale, the
thing that says you're safe nowyou're home.
Healing doesn't always look likesobbing and therapy I mean,
sometimes it does, but sometimesit looks like writing a
children's book or dancing whileyou clean or editing audio at
(21:57):
midnight, because it makes youfeel like you again.
It's the part of healing thatwe don't talk about enough.
It's not just the surviving,it's the reclaiming process.
There is another side to thisand it might not look like joy
(22:18):
at first, but it will alwayslook like peace and then
creativity and then eventually,freedom.
It's meditation, yes.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
Meditation, 100% I agree.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
I agree, I get there too.
I get there too, like when I'min my little studio and I'm like
, ooh, this sound in this fightis going to go so well together,
and then I can like break ithere and then I can come in with
my sidebar commentary.
I totally get it.
It's a passion project and yourpassion, will and your passion,
your strength and your healingare certainly.
(22:58):
I can't wait to read it.
That's exciting, yeah, so I knowthat we talked a little bit
about the things that went on inyour story and, while I do
think that everything that youhave experienced is extremely
important, I feel like this hasbecome kind of a different story
(23:22):
and I want to maybe nudge youto write more about and this is
just what I've learned from youand talking to you today but
maybe nudge you to write moreabout your upbringing.
It plays such a role in yourromantic partner abuse, but also
(23:49):
your healing, because I thinkthat there's so much more there,
because I think that there's somuch more there and I feel like
you and I we could probably doa whole episode on just what
post abuse has looked like foryou.
Yeah, I think you're veryinspiring and do you see that?
Speaker 2 (24:14):
in yourself.
I do, I do see it now.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
Yeah, now I do, I do see it now?
Speaker 2 (24:18):
Yeah, Now I do.
I didn't for the longest time,but I have started listening to
people when they tell me andI've gotten like such an intense
response from people who I'vehardly spoken to in my life,
like either vocalizing theirabuse for the first time ever,
like letting me know likethey're in an unsafe situation
(24:38):
right now and they don't knowhow to get out of it.
But watching my videos andseeing everything that I share
has been like sort of their,their enlightenment.
That that has really taught meto like believe that I am
inspiring and and there is agreater purpose to everything
that I'm doing, and to shut outthat it sort of like dims out
(25:00):
the noise of like my ex-husbandand his flying monkeys just
talking shit.
Like yeah.
I don't really care for itanymore.
If you want to share my video,if you want to.
If you want to talk shit abouta girl that looks happy like, by
all means, you know what?
Speaker 1 (25:14):
does that say about you?
Really, you're miserable andwe've known that from the
beginning.
It just became so much clearerafter the fact, because 2020
baby yeah, hindsight is 2020.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
I have like never been happier, never been more
fulfilled.
Like I'm still strugglingfinancially and there's good
reason for that but, beyondfinancial struggle, like I am
soaring to new heights.
I didn't think that that waseven possible, but the journey
has really taken me far and it's.
I've got a lot further to go,but, yeah, the connections that
(25:52):
I've made along the way havebeen like super, super impactful
along the way has been likesuper, super impactful.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
And yeah, it all comes from just like being brave
enough to be like.
This thing happened to me andit wasn't right yeah that's all
it is.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
It really it looks simple.
It looks very simple.
You know it's.
The bottom line is that I'mtalking about my own life, Like
I'm not having to do a ton ofresearch to put to put my
writing out there.
There's no research to be done.
It's really the research iswithin the research is within.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Oh my God, what a mic drop moment I loved when she
said this when it comes to youand your experiences and your
story, you lived it.
You felt every shift in the air.
You memorized the silencebefore the storm.
(26:47):
You learned to decode everymood, every manipulation, every
moment of gaslight, everyfootstep that came down the
hallway.
It's not just survival, it'sdata, and when you speak it out
loud, it becomes wisdom.
(27:07):
That's why I've said tellingyour story.
That's the bravest and mostprofound thing you can do.
And you know what happens whenyou start speaking it
shamelessly, not perfectly, notpolished.
Life opens up.
People start saying me too.
(27:27):
That's how I met one of my verybest friends.
I started posting.
You realize that you're notalone.
Healing isn't about getting itall together.
It's about no longer carryingthe shame that was never yours
to carry in the first place.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
And I think for me that's the hardest part.
It looks easy and you know, asyou said, diving into my
childhood a lot more there.
That's that's the bulk of it.
That is the bulk of it thatneeds to be put in writing and
I'm slowly getting there, like I.
Just a couple weeks ago, I waslike scrolling on Instagram and
I saw this like video go by oflike five signs of a toxic,
(28:12):
narcissistic parent or somethinglike that, and I just watching
it and he said something in thevideo and it like I had like a
snap memory of like something mymom did when I was a child,
like she would always call me adrama queen and she was a
teacher she still is, um and shewould have these like
initiation parties at our housefor hockey team, like the boys
(28:36):
hockey team, because she waslike an assistant coach or
whatever.
It was like highly inappropriateand like very kept under wraps,
like yeah, they don't know theydon't know boundaries very well
, but anyways, there was likesome really shady shit going on
inside my own house, like youknow.
Guys would get like rookieswould have to get naked and do
(28:58):
pushups and like have theirgenitals like dip into this like
cup of water and the first guywho would get hard from it would
have to drink from all the cups.
And then they would have to likesuck on tampons that were
dipped in Tabasco and like doall these like whack, wacky
shits that like were happeninginside my house, like I saw it
(29:20):
happen.
And then at one point I rememberand this happened like over
several years, like this was arecurring occurrence my mom let
them like storm my room and goin my underwear drawer and like
put my underwear on and theywould like parade my underwear
in the house and like I rememberthis like bright pink pair of
(29:40):
like booty shorts I had and theywould like put it on and walk
around the house with it Likeand I would be there, I would be
there and I would be mocked.
I would be called a drama queenif I said anything bad about it
.
And yeah, it was an awfulexperience and I hadn't thought
of that Since, since it happenedpretty much, I had blocked it
(30:01):
out completely's the most randomthing that triggers a flashback
and then all of a sudden you'rethere and you're like holy cow
(30:25):
symptom of gaslighting, though,like my mom, still to this day,
would always say that's not howit happened, like this is you
know.
Bring into question my reality,bring into question what I
remember from a specific event,like always, always having the
final word and it's just like.
No, I very much rememberwanting to go to sleep one night
(30:46):
, and then I did, and those boyscame storming into my room and
threw eggs in my bed to wake meup and I had to clean that mess.
And you let them do that, likethat actually happened.
You want to say otherwise?
I don't think so.
Speaker 1 (30:59):
Like okay, I didn't want to say anything in the
moment while we were recordingthis conversation, because I
wanted to give Stephanie thespace to share that memory.
But let me just stop right hereand say what so many of us I am
positive are thinking.
What the actual fuck?
That wasn't just inappropriate.
That wasn't just inappropriate.
(31:21):
That wasn't just the lack ofboundaries.
That was full-on betrayal fromher mother.
In her own home, stephanie wastold that she was being dramatic
, that it wasn't that bad.
Stephanie was told that she wasbeing dramatic, that it wasn't
that bad, that she was theproblem.
Not the actions, not the peopleinvolved, not the complete
(31:43):
breakdown of safety andprotection Her A child.
This is what narcissisticparents do.
They don't think about theimpact, they think about the
optics.
Will this make me look cool?
Will people like me more If Iallow this?
(32:05):
Will I be accepted?
It's all about their image.
The approval of strangersbecomes more important than the
safety of their own child, andthe child is left not just
unsafe but silenced.
Maybe, if you're listening tothis right now, you don't have
(32:25):
the same story, but you mighthave the same feeling of being
unprotected or being erased.
Stephanie's memory is valid.
Her anger is valid, and so isyours.
You were not making it up, youwere not overreacting, and no
(32:50):
matter how many times someonetries to rewrite your past, you
know what happened, your memoryand your truth.
That is your power.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
Being removed from that, having finally cut her off
, gives me that ability now tothink for myself and to be free.
Speaker 1 (33:14):
Removing that outside noise is so important.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
Yeah, yeah.
The focus is always on oh, oh,well, you only have one parent.
Like why would you, why wouldyou cut your parent off, like
that.
And it's like well, they onlyhad one child and they decided
to treat them as such.
Like why don't we bring thefocus on that instead?
Speaker 1 (33:36):
and.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
I think a lot more people resonate with that
nowadays, Like there's there'sthis movement happening of like
adult children like cutting offtheir parents, and so many
people relate to it.
Speaker 1 (33:49):
Because people are waking up.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
They're waking up to the realization that, like holy
cow, the things that I wentthrough were not okay, I get a
bigger response from things Ishare about my childhood online
than I do from things that Ishare about my relationship.
Like, people are sympatheticbut not everyone experiences
narcissism in theirrelationships, whereas a lot of
people have experiencedchildhood trauma.
(34:12):
Pretty much like everyone hasexperienced some form of
childhood trauma and I don'tknow if it's like the shocking
factor of it or what it is, but,yeah, people relate to the fact
that you're a child and youjust don't have the tools to
comprehend, or yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:32):
Under I mean feel your way through it, navigate it
, yeah my mom was a high school.
Speaker 2 (34:38):
Well, she is still a high school teacher.
So everyone I grew up with knewmy mom and had some form of
interaction with her and for themost part, you know she was a
decent teacher.
So, but there are some peoplethat have reached out to me.
Being like your mom was awfulto me growing up and I had no
idea that she would treat youthis way, but, like I, this one
(34:58):
girl was like.
I'm in my 30s and I still thinkof those things your mom said
to me in class, like that's howimpactful she was on some people
.
So, and there's a common themeand every single person that has
told me that they've had anegative experience with my mom
is that they're women andthey're outspoken, and it's
always the same the trigger forher.
Speaker 1 (35:20):
Yeah, so in part one, stephanie had shared something
that I want to remind you of inthis break.
She said that her mom is deeply, deeply ashamed of herself and
that shame obviously doesn'tjust sit quietly.
That shame lashes out, and whodoes it attack?
Flame lashes out, and who doesit attack?
(35:46):
It attacks the confidence, theauthenticity.
It attacks women who take upspace and speak their truth,
even teenage girls sitting inclassrooms.
So when she said that everywoman who was mistreated by her
mom in school was confident andoutspoken, that tracks, because
confident women are a mirrorthat narcissistic people can't
stand to look into.
They don't want to see who theycould have been.
(36:09):
They don't want to have to facewhat they've never healed, and
that includes their owndaughters.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
So I feel really sorry for those people and I
like I think there's such suchfreedom and finally expressing
my own experience about it andalso hearing other people's like
side of it.
But there's this phenomenon oflike cognitive dissonance right,
that happens in narcissism,where they either show like this
(36:39):
amazing side to them or thereare the few select people who
see this like monstrous side andit's being unable to then like
reconcile both of those togetheras being the same person.
So that's happening not only tome but to my audience.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
I think it's really important to note here that two
things can be true at the sametime, exactly, yeah, yeah, I
have two questions for youbefore we wrap up.
One is a question that I askeveryone who comes on here who
has experienced an abusiveromantic relationship, and that
(37:23):
is, if anyone is listening tothis episode, who is still in a
relationship and they arelooking to leave, what one piece
of advice would you give them?
Speaker 2 (37:34):
Find your people and keep them close, cause I think
isolation is a huge factor and Ithink it's also really hard for
people who are your loved onesseeing you experiencing abuse
and if they're, you know,pulling away a little bit.
Keep them close.
Maybe let someone know yeah, I,my best friend of 11 years.
(37:57):
Like, yeah, I, my best friendof 11 years.
Like the times in my life wherewe have kept least in touch
were the times in my life whereI was being most abused.
Yes, because abusers areproficient at isolating you from
(38:19):
your loved ones, and she hasbeen my source of light and she
has always been there to pick upthe phone whenever I needed it.
But I think it was also reallyhard for her at some point to
see me experiencing that and,you know, signaling it to me and
me not being ready to hear itfully or to see it for myself.
(38:40):
But once you start to see it,that's when everything changes
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (38:46):
Exactly yeah.
And my second question would bewhat piece of advice would you
give to someone who maybe isjust waking up and realizing
that the things that they wentthrough in their childhood was
not okay?
Speaker 2 (39:05):
Listen to yourself, like don't.
I think outside influence isthe most harmful thing.
Writing it down is incrediblyhelpful and, you know, this is
something that I'm still workingthrough.
I write about a lot of stuff,but writing about my childhood
is by far the hardest to do.
Yeah, so I'm still I'm stillcoming around to that, but it's
(39:27):
proven like massively helpfuland it's given me, like, such a
huge shift in realizing thatthere is a healthy path forward.
There are people in this lifethat have grown up with secure
attachments and, you know, helplead a better lifestyle for you,
and and learning aboutattachment styles and and how
those are built um is alsohugely helpful.
(39:51):
Reading books I know that, like,not everyone has time for
reading audiobooks are superhelpful too, and most of the
books on these topics, likenarcissism and abuse, are very
like they're not subtle.
You know.
It says it on the title, likehow to deal with the narcissist
in your life.
Like you obviously can't readthat around someone right,
(40:11):
causing you harm, like that's,you know so audible might be
your best option.
Yeah, or some podcast, or yeah,I get it exactly like find
people who are sharing authenticaccounts of what they've
experienced, like people likeyou and I, like I think have
have helped me tremendously inunderstanding my own path and
(40:34):
and I just want to say before wefinish up that, like what
you're doing is amazing, thankyou, and yeah, it's gonna change
a lot of lives and I hope I canhelp you, like, bring this
forward, you're giving me nosetingles.
I know that, like I havesomewhat of an audience that
(40:54):
cares for for what I have to say, and I like I prefer writing,
but people like to hear itcoming from from like my mouth,
so I'm hopeful that I will drivea bit of traffic onto your page
and help you grow.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:12):
Well, thank you so much for chatting with me today.
It was cool to learn more aboutyou and just to see how
inspiring you are, especiallylike in your healing journey.
I will always root for asurvivor who is just so
authentically becoming who theywere meant to be and to chase
after the things that theydeserve to, and you are
(41:35):
definitely one of those.
So thank you for being here.
I fully support you.
I can't wait to share thisepisode and I hope we keep in
touch.
Speaker 2 (41:46):
Of course we will, absolutely.
It was really nice to make theconnection.
Finally, I love your cartoon.
Speaker 1 (41:52):
I love everything that you do.
Thank you so much.
What a journey.
If there's one thing that Ihope that you are able to take
with you from today's episode,it is that you are allowed to
trust yourself, even if othershave spent years trying to make
(42:13):
you doubt your reality.
Stephanie reminded us thathealing starts with validation,
not just from others, but fromwithin.
From saying this happened to me, from choosing joy without
shame, from sharing your storyeven when you're scared to even
when your voice shakes.
And her advice Find your peopleand keep them close.
(42:36):
And if you're just now wakingup to the pain from your past,
listen to yourself, write itdown.
There's a healthy path forwardand you don't have to have all
the answers, okay.
You don't even have to be readyright now, but if you're here
and you're listening, thenyou've already taken the first
(42:57):
step and I'm really freakingproud of you.
If this episode resonated withyou, please do me, please do us
a favor.
Leave a five-star review, shareit with someone who needs it
and maybe follow along on socialmedia, on TikTok, at
thedvsurvivor.
Every review, every share,every comment helps this podcast
(43:26):
find the survivors who feellike no one sees them.
Let's keep breaking the silencetogether and remember the world
is a better place because youare in it.
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