April 25, 2025 • 42 mins
Raw vulnerability takes incredible courage. What began as a simple podcast episode transformed into a profound moment of truth as I shared my personal journey through domestic violence for the first time – completely unfiltered and unedited.
The decision to "raw dog" my story wasn't made lightly. After hearing countless survivor stories and carefully editing them for my audience, I realized I couldn't apply the same process to my own trauma. The emotional toll of revisiting, analyzing, and providing educational context to my personal horror story was simply too great. This revelation speaks to a crucial aspect of healing: sometimes self-care means acknowledging our limitations and protecting our mental health, even when we desperately want to help others.
My story begins like many – meeting someone who seemed wonderful at 18, reconnecting years later during a vulnerable period in my life, and slowly descending into an increasingly dangerous situation. From abandoning my successful radio career and moving states, to discovering a hidden heroin addiction while pregnant, to enduring escalating physical and sexual violence – each chapter follows the textbook pattern of abuse that I now recognize so clearly. Perhaps most poignant was sharing a previously blocked memory of sexual assault that occurred while my child slept nearby – a trauma so overwhelming my brain had protected me from it until recently.
What makes this episode unique isn't just the content, but the real-time processing of trauma you witness. The raw emotions, the moments I need to pause and breathe, the unexpected memories surfacing – all demonstrate how healing isn't linear but rather an ongoing journey of discovery, acceptance, and growth. For fellow survivors listening, know that memory fragmentation is normal, that healing comes in waves, and that community support is essential. Join our Survivor Sisterhood through social media or our website, where we continue the conversation between episodes. Together, we're not just surviving – we're reclaiming our power and helping others do the same.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
okay, here we fucking go.
Here we fucking go.
Okay, here's the thing.
I just wanted to come on andsay, hey, this is my intro, um,
but I wanted to let you knowthat I'm completely raw dogging
this episode.
I decided for my mental healthand that's what we're really
(00:33):
going to focus on this season.
That's how we kicked it off,talking about self-care, and so
I think that the best option forme is to not spend a lot of
time editing my personal story.
So there's not going to be anysidebar commentary through this
where I educate you, thelistener, on my experiences and
what they could be classified asor called, just because sitting
(00:59):
in it has been really difficultfor me, has been really
difficult for me, and while Ican interview you and I can edit
your stories and spend time init, I'm able to separate myself
from that experience.
This is my experience and mystory, so I am unable to
(01:21):
separate myself from this, whichis why I've decided that I will
not be editing and educatingyou throughout this experience.
I apologize for that, but I dohave to remember that if I'm
going to be in this for the longhaul man, I really got to take
care of myself.
We're just going to thug it out.
(01:42):
So I did post a poll on mysocial media yesterday, one on
my Instagram at the DV SurvivorSisterhood and the other one in
a Facebook group.
The Survivor Sisterhood slashDismissed True Stories on
Facebook asking if you liked thestories in two parts or if you
(02:04):
would prefer them in one partand two parts, one like in the
landslide.
So I'm going to be separatingmy story into two different
parts and baby birding it to you, apparently, which I totally
get.
These are hard things to listento, things to listen to and if
we want to talk like logisticsor analytics, I think those are
(02:33):
completely two different things.
But I'm such a smart person.
Average listening time is onlylike 20 to 30 minutes for a
podcast.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Anyway, I'm going to stop rambling and I'm just going
to, you know, give it to you ona silver platter.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
So here is part one of my story.
Okay, here we fucking go, herewe fucking go.
I'm just going to read what Iwrote and then I'm going to jump
into my story.
What I wrote is important to mebecause I want you to.
I want to correctly convey toyou how much you sharing the
(03:23):
most intimate and terrifyingdetails of your life with me,
how much that matters to me, howmuch that matter matters to
other victims and survivors, howmuch sharing your story not
only heals you but heals others,while also possibly saving
lives.
Possibly saving lives yeah, wow, that's heavy.
(03:51):
So I guess, in the spirit ofbeing really freaking heavy,
we're fully submerged here.
So let's just get into what Iwrote.
Okay, deep breath, okay, deepbreath.
I've been staring at my screenwhile a memory keeps replaying
(04:12):
in my head, one that came up asI've been writing my own story,
one that I pushed away as soonas it happened and one that I
never thought would bother me asmuch as it does now.
I foolishly thought thattelling you my story would be
easy.
Wow, was I tragically wrong.
The document on my computer istitled my name.
(04:36):
That's how I save your storiesfor the podcast.
Your names highlighted withquestions.
I want to ask you to dig deeperinto your experiences.
You all write out what happenedto you because I ask you to,
and I've always glossed overthat part, you know like never
(05:13):
really sat with it long enoughto understand how badly this
hurts to sit in what we've livedthrough and I am so sorry.
E-l-i-s-s-a that's the title myname just stares at me in the
top left-hand corner of myscreen and it feels as though,
(05:35):
as I'm staring at it, likenothing wants to come through.
I've opened and closed this tabmore times than I would
download and delete Tinder whileI was dating, because I always
told myself that I wasn't ready.
But many of you have done itfor me, whether here on this
podcast, in my comments onsocial media or in my inbox, and
you are so fucking brave forreal and I owe it to you to be
(06:00):
your survivor sister and to showyou the same amount of courage.
So here it goes.
Let's just start from thebeginning.
So I originally met my abuserwhen I was 18 during a snowstorm
(06:21):
, and I'm from Ohio and whereI'm from in Ohio, you have the
levels levels to the road whenit snows, levels one through
three.
They're determined by yourcounty sheriff, so one means
that there are some delays andmaybe even some closings of
schools and local businesses.
And a level three means thatyou better not get caught
(06:45):
driving out on the roads becauseI shit you not you could get
arrested.
So anyway, we're all under alevel three and I just so happen
to be snowed in over at afriend's house.
And what do you do when you're18, living in the middle of
nowhere in a level threesnowstorm?
(07:05):
You go over to your friend'shot neighbor's house and party
and you know, 18 is weird,because did this guy ever ask me
out?
I don't think so.
I don't remember, but I knowthat we were definitely dating
by the time that the snowcleared off the roads later that
(07:26):
week and back then we weren'tsuper serious.
And I think because we weren'tso serious I know actually I
actually know that I missed alot of red flags and I don't
think we weren't dating verylong.
I always thought that he wasvery sweet back then, but I
(07:47):
ended up breaking things offwith him because my best friend
and eventually my roommate, hada really big crush on him and I
just felt like I was being areally shitty friend.
I didn't like that feeling.
It made me feel gross.
So I just I broke things offwith him.
And also I was getting ready togo to Ohio state and I just
(08:07):
wanted the quote unquote fullcollege experience.
So I broke things off.
We ended up having like thisseven year hiatus where we don't
talk at all.
I have no idea what this guy isdoing and I remember at one
point so it was just so randomthat I was working at a radio
(08:28):
promotional event and he wasthere and so I just decided to
walk up and say hi to him and helooks at me and goes why are
you talking to me?
And I just shrugged it offbecause I was like, okay,
whatever, I guess I deservedthat.
(08:49):
I don't know.
It never occurred to me at thetime that he was just a jerk.
So fast forward a few yearslater and I was still working in
radio and I was full-time andthe station that I worked for
would stream live on theinternet and at some point
(09:11):
during our hiatus he upped andmoved from Ohio to Michigan, but
he was still listening to thestation and so one night he
ended up calling into my showand we really just started
talking again from there.
But the thing is is like I justwasn't in a good place in my
life, even though I was thefurthest along in my career.
(09:34):
I had worked so hard to bewhere I was at.
I was 25 years old, full-timein radio, in a 36 market which
is a pretty incredible positionto be in, by the way and radio
in a 36 market, which is apretty incredible position to be
in, by the way.
But at the same time, I justremember feeling so empty, so
(09:55):
lonely, and when I turned 25that year, on my birthday I
cried the entire day, off and on, because I felt like I remember
telling myself like you shouldbe so much further along in your
career than what I was and Iknow that's not a healthy place
to be in, especially when itcame to my perception of myself.
I couldn't cut myself any slack.
I always told myself that Iwasn't doing good enough, you
(10:19):
know.
And on top of that, I had justbroke off an engagement because
I didn't feel like he and Iwanted the same things out of
life.
So I couldn't see myself movingon through life with him career
(10:40):
.
That was the thing that meantthe most to me at the time, and
he was at a place where hewanted to find a woman to settle
down with and give him lots ofbabies, and that just wasn't
going to be me.
So I ended up breaking thingsoff with that guy, and when I
did I lost all my friends.
I was feeling very alone, andso I know that there were a lot
(11:06):
of different factors that playedinto me ultimately walking into
this abusive relationship.
So in the very beginning Iremember he drove all the way
from Michigan to Ohio that'slike six hours, okay and was
outside of the radio stationwhen I got out of my shift.
Now I had a night shift, so Iwould work from like 6 to 10,
(11:29):
and then there would be anothersyndicated show.
A lot of the times that wouldcome on and you would have to
make sure that everythingswitched over right and that
everything was doing okay.
And then during that 11 or 10to midnight slot I would also
record the news for the morningshow the next morning and I
(11:52):
would have to record othercommercials that ran on the
station and all the things.
So I didn't get out of workuntil it was midnight, one
o'clock, and I remember walkingout and he was standing outside
in the parking lot of the radiostation with flowers and
chocolate, and I just rememberthinking to myself like, oh my
(12:12):
God, this is so cute and soromantic that he just drove six
hours to wait for me to get outof work.
No-transcript, I hate thinkingabout this, but I had a friend
(12:41):
that was a producer for GoodMorning America.
We had met when I was incollege and he actually pulled
some strings so that I could geta non-paid internship with GMA.
And of course I'm like yes, Iwant to take it, I don't even
care that it's non-paid, likeI'm going to figure it out
because this is going to lookamazing on my resume.
And so I ended up sharing thisnews with my ex and he was like
(13:06):
oh well, I'm going to follow youanywhere you want to go.
Like I know how much thiscareer means to you and we had
been doing long distance forsome time.
So ultimately this kind of ledto an ultimatum for me to move
there.
Because he was like you know,I'm going to follow you anywhere
.
And in my head I'm like okay,so we'll just go there, we'll
(13:29):
probably be in Michigan for likea month and then we're going to
head to NY.
Like that's going to give me alittle bit of time to just
solely focus on logistics andfigure it all out.
And when I quit my job is whenthings started to feel a little
off.
And honestly, I think because Iwas so excited for something
(13:53):
new I was feeling very stuckwhere I was in Ohio and I'd
always grown up in a place whereI didn't fit in.
I never fit in, the girls didnot like me, I was very bullied
and I always knew that I have toget out of Ohio.
So I was definitely ready for achange and, selfishly, I looked
(14:16):
at this relationship as kind oflike a ticket oh, I just hit my
mic, sorry if that was reallyloud Kind of like a ticket to
get out of Ohio but also someoneto make this transition with me
.
And I know that I moved for allthe wrong reasons, but I told
(14:37):
myself at the time like I reallydo love this guy and I wanted
to be with him.
So, like I said, I quit my job,I packed my things in my car,
we left.
I left for Michigan, fullybelieving that I was still going
to make it to New York.
So that first night that I wasthere and here I'm still in
(14:58):
Michigan.
He called me a stupid bitch andI remember leaving that night
and driving, had to take my dogto a hotel room and staying the
night there and laying in thebed being like I cannot believe
this is happening.
Laying in the bed being like Icannot believe this is happening
(15:18):
, like literally the first night, like what am I doing?
And I remember, like weighingmy options, because I'm like I'm
in a completely new space, anew state.
I have no one here, I'mcompletely alone.
I literally just walked awayfrom my career.
It's not like broadcasting isforgiving.
(15:41):
By then they'd probably alreadyfilled my show slot with
somebody else, a new show, andso my ego just stepped in and
was like, hey, you're going tohave to swallow your pride on
this one and go back and justfigure it out on this one and go
back and just figure it out.
(16:01):
So I go back and time passesand I began to apply for
different radio jobs all aroundthe country because it started
to become apparent to me that Iwasn't going to make it to New
York.
And as I'm applying, he'spretending like, okay, this
might be the right move.
You know, maybe we just need alittle bit more time, maybe we
need to save up some more moneyand in my mind I'm like, okay,
that makes sense, we want abigger nest egg than what we had
(16:24):
.
I hadn't saved up very muchmoney, but I was like I'm just
going to go and he had convincedme that because I was friends
with a producer that he's goingto be able to pull strings
whenever, and so I just startapplying everywhere because I'm
thinking, okay, he's still goingto follow me wherever you know.
And at the time he was alsousing my laptop to play poker
(16:45):
online and whatever he was doingalong with playing poker, I
don't know, but it created avirus on my computer that caused
me to lose everything.
I lost my radio demos, my newsdemos, everything that I was
using to apply for jobs.
I lost it all.
(17:06):
Such a freaking, devastatingloss for me.
I ended up going and getting ajob, a waitressing job at a
Coney Island after that, becausewhat do you do?
And I needed to make some money, and that that was the very
beginning where I remember likethis is my downfall.
(17:33):
Before I had really reallystarted to make friends, at that
Coney Island that I started towork at, he decided that he was
going to start introducing me tosome of his friends around
there, and I got excited becauseI'm like I don't know anyone
else outside of him.
I want to know other peopleoutside of him.
(17:53):
I'm a girl's girl.
Give me some gossip, you knowwhat I mean.
Let's take a shopping tripsomewhere.
But every time that we would getready and drive over to his
friend's house, he decided thathe needed to find something
wrong with the way I looked,wrong with the way I looked, and
(18:17):
so he would scream at me forquote-unquote, trying too hard,
you wear too much makeup, whydid you choose that outfit?
And then I would start to crybecause that really hurt.
I've always been someone who'sloved makeup, who's loved
fashion and I love to do girlythings.
(18:38):
So him attacking that part ofme was upsetting.
It hurt.
But also when I would cry, hewould tell me to stop because
that would make him look like apiece of shit.
And then he would go on to saydo not talk to anyone when you
get over there.
Probably because he didn't wantme to tell the truth, but he
(19:02):
framed it in a way that when Iopen my mouth, I'm embarrassing
and my personality is shit, andI remember thinking that I was
so confused back then becauseI'm like I literally just got
paid for my personality for thepast six years.
So what can be that wrong withit?
(19:23):
Like, what is so wrong with me?
And I and I, right then andthere, started to blame myself
for the person that I was,because it was never enough for
him, for the person that I was,because it was never enough for
him.
I remember during the firstcouple of months, like I said, I
(19:47):
started to believe myself andit made me very, very angry with
God because I ended up going tobed each night praying and
pleading with him, begging him,bargaining with him that he
would change me.
Please, god, mold me into thewoman that would make this man
happy, because it feels likeevery choice I make sets him off
(20:11):
in some way.
I just want to be what he wants.
I have to make thisrelationship work.
I gave up so much to come here.
I'm stuck.
I have to make this work whileAmen.
Thank you, god, love you.
Good night Bye.
God never changed me in theways that I had begged him to
(20:33):
One thing that my ex would tellme from the beginning, and I
always thought that it was ajoke and I'm talking like guys,
we're only a couple months intothis relationship he always told
me that he was going to anchorbaby me.
And I'm like what in the heck isanchor babying?
I've I've never heard of thisin my life.
(20:53):
And for those of you that don'tknow, that's like get a woman
pregnant so she can't leave you.
And I was already isolated,right, he already did the job to
love bomb me, and then heisolated me, and I mean
obviously isolated me.
I was alone, alone, and so I'mlike where am I going to go?
(21:14):
I'm working on a Coney Island.
I'm literally selling Coneydogs for tips, like where am I
going to go?
By myself?
And he knew that.
Anyways, three months after Imoved there, I find out that I'm
pregnant and while I waspregnant, you know like your
(21:36):
sense of smell is so great, itis intense boy.
And I remember like him leavingfor work and I got like this
whiff of something that I'dnever smelled before.
And so I'm sniffing aroundthrough the apartment and I
follow this scent back into theback bathroom of the apartment,
(22:01):
up underneath the sink, thecabinet in the sink, and I'm
like what is that?
I know it's drugs, but I'venever seen anything like it
before.
So I end up FaceTiming a and wecome to the conclusion that
it's heroin.
(22:21):
And this is how I found outthat this man was addicted to
heroin and he'd been lying to meand I always thought that
something was off.
But I'd never been around drugsin my entire life.
Um, I was not really like apartier like that.
(22:43):
Um, I'd never seen it and so Icouldn't really put my finger on
what was going on.
But I knew something was offthat after I found that and I
called him out about it, it wasjust a lot of escalation and the
(23:06):
abuse that occurred and I alsowanted to help him.
Addiction isn't easy and whywould I just up and leave?
I'm pregnant, we're supposed tobe having a family and it just
made the most sense to me to tryto work things out.
And I remember when I was ninemonths pregnant, we had just
(23:32):
finished the nursery and we hadgotten into some sort of
argument and he ended up pushingme up the stairs and me almost
falling.
But I ended up catching myselfon the rails of the crib in the
nursery and I stand up and Iturn around and our eyes meet
(23:57):
and I stand up and I turn aroundand our eyes meet and both of
us, like our eyes are just likehuge, staring at each other,
because both of us knew whatthat could have meant, what that
fall could have meant.
That was an extremely soberingmoment for me, because he had
always just kind of like grabbedmy arm or pushed me around and
(24:24):
I just it never really occurredto me that that was abuse, but
this was something that Icouldn't ignore.
So after our son was born, itwas just a lot more of the same,
a lot more of the samebehaviors for many, many years.
(24:46):
But one of the events thatsticks out in my head is an
evening where I came home fromwork.
I had moved from the ConeyIsland into a logistics
brokerage and I remember pickingup our son from daycare, coming
home from work, walking intothe apartment and he is sitting
(25:08):
there just like staring at thefront door, at the kitchen table
.
And as soon as I walked in helooked at me and says I fucking
hate you.
And from that moment I knewlike this is going to be a
terrible, terrible night.
(25:28):
So from like six he kept meawake.
From like six until 3 am he andwhat he would do when he would
keep me awake is he would followme from room to room.
He would be screaming at me,trying to pick a fight with me,
saying the most like obscene,hurtful things.
(25:49):
That night I know that hewhipped me with a wet towel
repeatedly, like if I would tryto like walk out of the room
that he was in, he would likehit me with a towel on the way
out.
He punched holes in our wallsthat night and that was the
first night that he gave mebruises.
And the really messed up thing,the thing that would like piss
(26:13):
me off the most, is that hewould never give me bruises in
places that I couldn't cover up.
And I felt like you are such afucking coward for that, because
I'm like, if you're going to doit, just do it Like why do you?
Why, like you know that it'swrong?
That's why you don't just likedo it for the world to see.
(26:34):
And this, like I knew that thiswas abuse I think I had the word
for it back then too but Itried to justify it by saying
that he didn't hit me because henever used his hands to hit me.
He always used other objects.
So this night he threw a bunchof things at me too, like he
(26:59):
would just like take householditems and throw them at me, and
so he ended up chucking a remoteat me that hit the back of my
hand so hard that when it hit me, my hand instantly blew up.
Like it looked like I had agolf ball on the back of my hand
(27:21):
.
It was black and blue and greenfor such a long time.
I do have pictures of that thatI can share, and I just
remember driving to work thenext day with my hand still
swollen, staring at it at a redlight and thinking what the hell
has my life become?
What am I doing?
(27:42):
But by then I just I feel likeI was just so in it.
I didn't feel like I had anyoneor any place to turn to, so I
was stuck.
I feel I feel grossed out, likemaybe I just need to resurface
for a second.
Take a drink.
(28:04):
Oh, I can't believe that.
Like I'm not even to the worstof it.
So there was also cheating.
I caught him on Ashley Madisonand Tender often I even caught
him trying to purchase a sexworker.
Yeah, I have no words, I wasjust brainwashed.
(28:26):
I was brainwashed andmanipulated and groomed and he
would gaslight me into thinkingthat what I saw really wasn't
what I saw.
You know how it goes.
And then he would also createthese like little assignments
for me because I have left him.
(28:47):
At this point this was one ofthe million times that I tried
to leave him.
I called my parents.
They came and got me, I movedhome.
I was there for like a month,home to Ohio, I mean and then of
course he gets back in my headand I'm like, nope, we need to
work this out.
We're a family, yada, yada.
(29:09):
All this societal brainwashingthat happens to thinking like
being a single mom is so bad.
I ended up going back andbecause I had quit my job to
leave him, I didn't have a jobto go back to.
So he's like I'm going tocreate assignments for you
because if I'm going to beputting in eight hours at work,
(29:30):
you're going to be putting ineight hours of work here at the
house.
We had decided that we weregoing to work with a realtor to
try to buy a house and we hadbeen working with her for a
while.
We finally found one that weliked.
We're in the process of likewe're about to sign paperwork
and he goes oh no, I changed mymind, so we pull out.
(29:52):
We pull out and because, likewe didn't re-sign the lease on
our apartment, we had to go movein with his dad.
We had no place else to go,cool.
So he says you need to goorganize our storage unit and
clean it because we're going tohave to go.
You know, we're going to haveto put so much more in there
(30:12):
because we're going to move inwith my dad for a couple of
months.
And I'm thinking, okay, yeah,like that makes sense, but to
actually go in and get it asclean as he wanted to and have
to send pictures, that is soembarrassing thinking about
right now.
Like who the hell, if I wouldmeet him today, being the person
that I am, I wouldn't even givehim a second glance, never in
(30:38):
my life.
That's how I know how far Ihave come and I'm really proud
of that.
But I'm just remember I toldyou spiderweb thinking I'm going
to go off on little sideescapades.
And you know what I think?
It's because I know that I'mcoming up on the thing that hurt
me the most when I was writingmy story, because this memory
(30:59):
was unlocked and I was like Icried a lot, okay.
So yeah, let's just get into it.
Anyway, I spent all of my timein this bedroom downstairs that
when we lived at his dad's housethey had like a spare bedroom
downstairs and even during thistime, like he would go out
drinking and just like not comehome until like two o'clock in
(31:20):
the morning, and so it was justme and the baby baby, and I
didn't feel like I could say ordo anything to his parents
because, like we're living withthem, they're not charging us
anything, so I'm just liketrying to suck it up, you know.
And when he would come home, Iwould actually decide to like
move and sleep in my son'stoddler bed just to get away
(31:43):
from him at night.
And I don't know if you've everseen that show um made on
Netflix, but there's this scenewhere Alex sleeps in her son's
toddler bed just to get awayfrom him at night.
And I don't know if you've everseen that show made on Netflix,
but there's this scene whereAlex sleeps in her daughter's
toddler bed to avoid her abusiveboyfriend coming home late at
night.
And I remember watching thatscene and being like holy cow,
holy cow, did they get this oneright.
That one got that whole show.
I swear that one got that wholeshow.
(32:04):
I swear they made it after mylife.
It was crazy.
So he had this one friend whosupplied him with drugs and when
he came home from that friend'shouse was the only time that he
would ever want to be intimatewith me.
Did I question if he was gay?
Yes, multiple times, Iguarantee we all have.
So he decides that he's goingto come home from hanging out
(32:28):
with that friend one night andnot take a no for an answer.
And I didn't want to doanything.
Number one, because at thispoint, like I just didn't, I
didn't feel like it was worth it.
And two, our son was in the bedsleeping beside me.
(32:51):
I'm going to cry and I couldn't.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
I didn't want to do anything Fuck.
I didn't want to do anythingthat intimate in front of my
child, but I had to because hewasn't going to take no for an
(33:45):
answer and luckily, luckily, myson never woke up.
I just remember when it wasfinally over.
I just rolled over because Ifelt so dirty, so embarrassed, I
(34:13):
felt like a bad mom and I justwent to sleep telling myself
that I just wasn't ever going tolet myself think of it again.
I just pushed it out of my mindand that's the thing that came
(34:36):
up for me while I was writing mystory.
It just hurts, really bad toremember, you know.
Oh my god, I wish I hadcommercials, because this would
(35:12):
be a great time to head to acommercial break.
Oh my god, oh Whew, that onehurt, that one hurt.
Speaker 2 (35:26):
That one hurt that wasn't the first time that he'd
pulled something like that.
It wouldn't be the last, but itwas the first and only time
where there was a child present.
And now that I'm healing, I'llperiodically go through these
(35:48):
phases where I just don't feellike I can get clean, and I feel
that I've heard that this iscommon with sexual assault
survivors.
But now I'll purchase showergloves and like the African nets
and scrub and I'll use all ofthem in the shower at the same
time.
I'm like in the showerscrubbing the shit, scrubbing my
(36:11):
skin off literally, and I'll bein there for a good 30 minutes
and still come out of the showerfeeling like I'm not clean.
We end up both agreeing thatliving at his dad's wasn't
working out for us.
We start really trying to finda place to move into.
(36:33):
We decide that we're gonnapurchase the trailer, and when
we move into the trailer, thisis where things start to get
really, really fuzzy for me, andI've always kind of said that
like I'm not ready to tell mystory because I don't remember.
And this is the part that Ithink I try to block out.
(36:57):
I'm sorry to leave you on acliffhanger such as that one,
but you said two parts, so I'mgoing to give you two parts.
Thank you for listening, thankyou for being here, thank you
for maybe perhaps crying with me.
I'm so sorry about that.
Listening back to it just torecord this outro so I knew
(37:21):
where I was.
I cried again and I often getthe question like how do I get
through this part?
How do I get through this part?
I just left?
Tell me what to do, and theonly way through it is through
it.
Even in your healing journey,the only way through this for me
(37:44):
is to allow myself to feel thereality of what I went through,
to allow myself to cry, to allowmyself to sit in this until I
fully accept what has happenedand that is just as much part of
self-care as taking a walkoutside or a bath could be
(38:07):
classified as self-care.
And in putting this togetherfor you, putting it all out into
the world, there are newmemories resurfacing, even since
I recorded this.
So I do not think that thiswill be the only time that I
(38:29):
tell my story.
I'm just going to keep writingdown the things that resurface,
the memories that come back tome, and maybe we'll revisit this
once a season.
I want to be completelytransparent with you that this
is how it works for somesurvivors.
We don't remember everything.
I want to be completelytransparent with you that this
(38:51):
is how it works for somesurvivors.
We don't remember everything.
I want to be completelytransparent with you also on how
I possibly include everythingthat's ever happened in an hour
(39:13):
long podcast.
You know, in two parts.
So that's where we're at rightnow.
I will let you have part twonext week, so look forward to
that.
The end of my relationship wasdefinitely the most dangerous,
(39:34):
so we will be getting into someof that and trigger warning.
I cry again, so be prepared forthat as well.
I love you.
Thank you for being here, andwhen I say that, I really do
truly mean it.
I need this sisterhood, like somany of you do.
(39:56):
Telling your stories is healingand hearing the similarities is
healing, so thank you for beinghere.
If you haven't yet, check outmy website.
It's thesurvivorsisterhoodcom.
There is a link to join theSisterhood group on Facebook if
(40:19):
you would like to do that.
I post in it almost everysingle day, and so do other
survivors.
You are welcome to talk aboutthe podcast episodes.
You're welcome to talk aboutthe things that you're currently
going through.
You're welcome to ask questionsand get some support.
(40:39):
We would love to have you inthere also.
You can follow me on socialmedia.
If Facebook isn't your medium,I'm also on Instagram and on
TikTok.
I will leave my handles forthat in the show notes below.
I would love to see you inbetween podcast episodes on my
socials and get to know you alittle bit better.
(41:01):
That would be so cool.
I really do think theseexperiences are.
They're so genuine andbeautiful.
I love everything about it, sojoin us there if you would like.
Share, rate and review thispodcast.
It definitely helps push us outand find the people who truly
(41:25):
do need this, whether it's fortheir healing or they're trying
to leave abuse.
So do us a favor rate, share,subscribe and remember that the
world is a better place becauseyou are in it.
okay, here we fucking go.
Here we fucking go.
Okay, here's the thing.
I just wanted to come on andsay, hey, this is my intro, um,
but I wanted to let you knowthat I'm completely raw dogging
this episode.
I decided for my mental healthand that's what we're really
(00:33):
going to focus on this season.
That's how we kicked it off,talking about self-care, and so
I think that the best option forme is to not spend a lot of
time editing my personal story.
So there's not going to be anysidebar commentary through this
where I educate you, thelistener, on my experiences and
what they could be classified asor called, just because sitting
(00:59):
in it has been really difficultfor me, has been really
difficult for me, and while Ican interview you and I can edit
your stories and spend time init, I'm able to separate myself
from that experience.
This is my experience and mystory, so I am unable to
(01:21):
separate myself from this, whichis why I've decided that I will
not be editing and educatingyou throughout this experience.
I apologize for that, but I dohave to remember that if I'm
going to be in this for the longhaul man, I really got to take
care of myself.
We're just going to thug it out.
(01:42):
So I did post a poll on mysocial media yesterday, one on
my Instagram at the DV SurvivorSisterhood and the other one in
a Facebook group.
The Survivor Sisterhood slashDismissed True Stories on
Facebook asking if you liked thestories in two parts or if you
(02:04):
would prefer them in one partand two parts, one like in the
landslide.
So I'm going to be separatingmy story into two different
parts and baby birding it to you, apparently, which I totally
get.
These are hard things to listento, things to listen to and if
we want to talk like logisticsor analytics, I think those are
(02:33):
completely two different things.
But I'm such a smart person.
Average listening time is onlylike 20 to 30 minutes for a
podcast.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
Anyway, I'm going to stop rambling and I'm just going
to, you know, give it to you ona silver platter.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
So here is part one of my story.
Okay, here we fucking go, herewe fucking go.
I'm just going to read what Iwrote and then I'm going to jump
into my story.
What I wrote is important to mebecause I want you to.
I want to correctly convey toyou how much you sharing the
(03:23):
most intimate and terrifyingdetails of your life with me,
how much that matters to me, howmuch that matter matters to
other victims and survivors, howmuch sharing your story not
only heals you but heals others,while also possibly saving
lives.
Possibly saving lives yeah, wow, that's heavy.
(03:51):
So I guess, in the spirit ofbeing really freaking heavy,
we're fully submerged here.
So let's just get into what Iwrote.
Okay, deep breath, okay, deepbreath.
I've been staring at my screenwhile a memory keeps replaying
(04:12):
in my head, one that came up asI've been writing my own story,
one that I pushed away as soonas it happened and one that I
never thought would bother me asmuch as it does now.
I foolishly thought thattelling you my story would be
easy.
Wow, was I tragically wrong.
The document on my computer istitled my name.
(04:36):
That's how I save your storiesfor the podcast.
Your names highlighted withquestions.
I want to ask you to dig deeperinto your experiences.
You all write out what happenedto you because I ask you to,
and I've always glossed overthat part, you know like never
(05:13):
really sat with it long enoughto understand how badly this
hurts to sit in what we've livedthrough and I am so sorry.
E-l-i-s-s-a that's the title myname just stares at me in the
top left-hand corner of myscreen and it feels as though,
(05:35):
as I'm staring at it, likenothing wants to come through.
I've opened and closed this tabmore times than I would
download and delete Tinder whileI was dating, because I always
told myself that I wasn't ready.
But many of you have done itfor me, whether here on this
podcast, in my comments onsocial media or in my inbox, and
you are so fucking brave forreal and I owe it to you to be
(06:00):
your survivor sister and to showyou the same amount of courage.
So here it goes.
Let's just start from thebeginning.
So I originally met my abuserwhen I was 18 during a snowstorm
(06:21):
, and I'm from Ohio and whereI'm from in Ohio, you have the
levels levels to the road whenit snows, levels one through
three.
They're determined by yourcounty sheriff, so one means
that there are some delays andmaybe even some closings of
schools and local businesses.
And a level three means thatyou better not get caught
(06:45):
driving out on the roads becauseI shit you not you could get
arrested.
So anyway, we're all under alevel three and I just so happen
to be snowed in over at afriend's house.
And what do you do when you're18, living in the middle of
nowhere in a level threesnowstorm?
(07:05):
You go over to your friend'shot neighbor's house and party
and you know, 18 is weird,because did this guy ever ask me
out?
I don't think so.
I don't remember, but I knowthat we were definitely dating
by the time that the snowcleared off the roads later that
(07:26):
week and back then we weren'tsuper serious.
And I think because we weren'tso serious I know actually I
actually know that I missed alot of red flags and I don't
think we weren't dating verylong.
I always thought that he wasvery sweet back then, but I
(07:47):
ended up breaking things offwith him because my best friend
and eventually my roommate, hada really big crush on him and I
just felt like I was being areally shitty friend.
I didn't like that feeling.
It made me feel gross.
So I just I broke things offwith him.
And also I was getting ready togo to Ohio state and I just
(08:07):
wanted the quote unquote fullcollege experience.
So I broke things off.
We ended up having like thisseven year hiatus where we don't
talk at all.
I have no idea what this guy isdoing and I remember at one
point so it was just so randomthat I was working at a radio
(08:28):
promotional event and he wasthere and so I just decided to
walk up and say hi to him and helooks at me and goes why are
you talking to me?
And I just shrugged it offbecause I was like, okay,
whatever, I guess I deservedthat.
(08:49):
I don't know.
It never occurred to me at thetime that he was just a jerk.
So fast forward a few yearslater and I was still working in
radio and I was full-time andthe station that I worked for
would stream live on theinternet and at some point
(09:11):
during our hiatus he upped andmoved from Ohio to Michigan, but
he was still listening to thestation and so one night he
ended up calling into my showand we really just started
talking again from there.
But the thing is is like I justwasn't in a good place in my
life, even though I was thefurthest along in my career.
(09:34):
I had worked so hard to bewhere I was at.
I was 25 years old, full-timein radio, in a 36 market which
is a pretty incredible positionto be in, by the way and radio
in a 36 market, which is apretty incredible position to be
in, by the way.
But at the same time, I justremember feeling so empty, so
(09:55):
lonely, and when I turned 25that year, on my birthday I
cried the entire day, off and on, because I felt like I remember
telling myself like you shouldbe so much further along in your
career than what I was and Iknow that's not a healthy place
to be in, especially when itcame to my perception of myself.
I couldn't cut myself any slack.
I always told myself that Iwasn't doing good enough, you
(10:19):
know.
And on top of that, I had justbroke off an engagement because
I didn't feel like he and Iwanted the same things out of
life.
So I couldn't see myself movingon through life with him career
(10:40):
.
That was the thing that meantthe most to me at the time, and
he was at a place where hewanted to find a woman to settle
down with and give him lots ofbabies, and that just wasn't
going to be me.
So I ended up breaking thingsoff with that guy, and when I
did I lost all my friends.
I was feeling very alone, andso I know that there were a lot
(11:06):
of different factors that playedinto me ultimately walking into
this abusive relationship.
So in the very beginning Iremember he drove all the way
from Michigan to Ohio that'slike six hours, okay and was
outside of the radio stationwhen I got out of my shift.
Now I had a night shift, so Iwould work from like 6 to 10,
(11:29):
and then there would be anothersyndicated show.
A lot of the times that wouldcome on and you would have to
make sure that everythingswitched over right and that
everything was doing okay.
And then during that 11 or 10to midnight slot I would also
record the news for the morningshow the next morning and I
(11:52):
would have to record othercommercials that ran on the
station and all the things.
So I didn't get out of workuntil it was midnight, one
o'clock, and I remember walkingout and he was standing outside
in the parking lot of the radiostation with flowers and
chocolate, and I just rememberthinking to myself like, oh my
(12:12):
God, this is so cute and soromantic that he just drove six
hours to wait for me to get outof work.
No-transcript, I hate thinkingabout this, but I had a friend
(12:41):
that was a producer for GoodMorning America.
We had met when I was incollege and he actually pulled
some strings so that I could geta non-paid internship with GMA.
And of course I'm like yes, Iwant to take it, I don't even
care that it's non-paid, likeI'm going to figure it out
because this is going to lookamazing on my resume.
And so I ended up sharing thisnews with my ex and he was like
(13:06):
oh well, I'm going to follow youanywhere you want to go.
Like I know how much thiscareer means to you and we had
been doing long distance forsome time.
So ultimately this kind of ledto an ultimatum for me to move
there.
Because he was like you know,I'm going to follow you anywhere
.
And in my head I'm like okay,so we'll just go there, we'll
(13:29):
probably be in Michigan for likea month and then we're going to
head to NY.
Like that's going to give me alittle bit of time to just
solely focus on logistics andfigure it all out.
And when I quit my job is whenthings started to feel a little
off.
And honestly, I think because Iwas so excited for something
(13:53):
new I was feeling very stuckwhere I was in Ohio and I'd
always grown up in a place whereI didn't fit in.
I never fit in, the girls didnot like me, I was very bullied
and I always knew that I have toget out of Ohio.
So I was definitely ready for achange and, selfishly, I looked
(14:16):
at this relationship as kind oflike a ticket oh, I just hit my
mic, sorry if that was reallyloud Kind of like a ticket to
get out of Ohio but also someoneto make this transition with me
.
And I know that I moved for allthe wrong reasons, but I told
(14:37):
myself at the time like I reallydo love this guy and I wanted
to be with him.
So, like I said, I quit my job,I packed my things in my car,
we left.
I left for Michigan, fullybelieving that I was still going
to make it to New York.
So that first night that I wasthere and here I'm still in
(14:58):
Michigan.
He called me a stupid bitch andI remember leaving that night
and driving, had to take my dogto a hotel room and staying the
night there and laying in thebed being like I cannot believe
this is happening.
Laying in the bed being like Icannot believe this is happening
(15:18):
, like literally the first night, like what am I doing?
And I remember, like weighingmy options, because I'm like I'm
in a completely new space, anew state.
I have no one here, I'mcompletely alone.
I literally just walked awayfrom my career.
It's not like broadcasting isforgiving.
(15:41):
By then they'd probably alreadyfilled my show slot with
somebody else, a new show, andso my ego just stepped in and
was like, hey, you're going tohave to swallow your pride on
this one and go back and justfigure it out on this one and go
back and just figure it out.
(16:01):
So I go back and time passesand I began to apply for
different radio jobs all aroundthe country because it started
to become apparent to me that Iwasn't going to make it to New
York.
And as I'm applying, he'spretending like, okay, this
might be the right move.
You know, maybe we just need alittle bit more time, maybe we
need to save up some more moneyand in my mind I'm like, okay,
that makes sense, we want abigger nest egg than what we had
(16:24):
.
I hadn't saved up very muchmoney, but I was like I'm just
going to go and he had convincedme that because I was friends
with a producer that he's goingto be able to pull strings
whenever, and so I just startapplying everywhere because I'm
thinking, okay, he's still goingto follow me wherever you know.
And at the time he was alsousing my laptop to play poker
(16:45):
online and whatever he was doingalong with playing poker, I
don't know, but it created avirus on my computer that caused
me to lose everything.
I lost my radio demos, my newsdemos, everything that I was
using to apply for jobs.
I lost it all.
(17:06):
Such a freaking, devastatingloss for me.
I ended up going and getting ajob, a waitressing job at a
Coney Island after that, becausewhat do you do?
And I needed to make some money, and that that was the very
beginning where I remember likethis is my downfall.
(17:33):
Before I had really reallystarted to make friends, at that
Coney Island that I started towork at, he decided that he was
going to start introducing me tosome of his friends around
there, and I got excited becauseI'm like I don't know anyone
else outside of him.
I want to know other peopleoutside of him.
(17:53):
I'm a girl's girl.
Give me some gossip, you knowwhat I mean.
Let's take a shopping tripsomewhere.
But every time that we would getready and drive over to his
friend's house, he decided thathe needed to find something
wrong with the way I looked,wrong with the way I looked, and
(18:17):
so he would scream at me forquote-unquote, trying too hard,
you wear too much makeup, whydid you choose that outfit?
And then I would start to crybecause that really hurt.
I've always been someone who'sloved makeup, who's loved
fashion and I love to do girlythings.
(18:38):
So him attacking that part ofme was upsetting.
It hurt.
But also when I would cry, hewould tell me to stop because
that would make him look like apiece of shit.
And then he would go on to saydo not talk to anyone when you
get over there.
Probably because he didn't wantme to tell the truth, but he
(19:02):
framed it in a way that when Iopen my mouth, I'm embarrassing
and my personality is shit, andI remember thinking that I was
so confused back then becauseI'm like I literally just got
paid for my personality for thepast six years.
So what can be that wrong withit?
(19:23):
Like, what is so wrong with me?
And I and I, right then andthere, started to blame myself
for the person that I was,because it was never enough for
him, for the person that I was,because it was never enough for
him.
I remember during the firstcouple of months, like I said, I
(19:47):
started to believe myself andit made me very, very angry with
God because I ended up going tobed each night praying and
pleading with him, begging him,bargaining with him that he
would change me.
Please, god, mold me into thewoman that would make this man
happy, because it feels likeevery choice I make sets him off
(20:11):
in some way.
I just want to be what he wants.
I have to make thisrelationship work.
I gave up so much to come here.
I'm stuck.
I have to make this work whileAmen.
Thank you, god, love you.
Good night Bye.
God never changed me in theways that I had begged him to
(20:33):
One thing that my ex would tellme from the beginning, and I
always thought that it was ajoke and I'm talking like guys,
we're only a couple months intothis relationship he always told
me that he was going to anchorbaby me.
And I'm like what in the heck isanchor babying?
I've I've never heard of thisin my life.
(20:53):
And for those of you that don'tknow, that's like get a woman
pregnant so she can't leave you.
And I was already isolated,right, he already did the job to
love bomb me, and then heisolated me, and I mean
obviously isolated me.
I was alone, alone, and so I'mlike where am I going to go?
(21:14):
I'm working on a Coney Island.
I'm literally selling Coneydogs for tips, like where am I
going to go?
By myself?
And he knew that.
Anyways, three months after Imoved there, I find out that I'm
pregnant and while I waspregnant, you know like your
(21:36):
sense of smell is so great, itis intense boy.
And I remember like him leavingfor work and I got like this
whiff of something that I'dnever smelled before.
And so I'm sniffing aroundthrough the apartment and I
follow this scent back into theback bathroom of the apartment,
(22:01):
up underneath the sink, thecabinet in the sink, and I'm
like what is that?
I know it's drugs, but I'venever seen anything like it
before.
So I end up FaceTiming a and wecome to the conclusion that
it's heroin.
(22:21):
And this is how I found outthat this man was addicted to
heroin and he'd been lying to meand I always thought that
something was off.
But I'd never been around drugsin my entire life.
Um, I was not really like apartier like that.
(22:43):
Um, I'd never seen it and so Icouldn't really put my finger on
what was going on.
But I knew something was offthat after I found that and I
called him out about it, it wasjust a lot of escalation and the
(23:06):
abuse that occurred and I alsowanted to help him.
Addiction isn't easy and whywould I just up and leave?
I'm pregnant, we're supposed tobe having a family and it just
made the most sense to me to tryto work things out.
And I remember when I was ninemonths pregnant, we had just
(23:32):
finished the nursery and we hadgotten into some sort of
argument and he ended up pushingme up the stairs and me almost
falling.
But I ended up catching myselfon the rails of the crib in the
nursery and I stand up and Iturn around and our eyes meet
(23:57):
and I stand up and I turn aroundand our eyes meet and both of
us, like our eyes are just likehuge, staring at each other,
because both of us knew whatthat could have meant, what that
fall could have meant.
That was an extremely soberingmoment for me, because he had
always just kind of like grabbedmy arm or pushed me around and
(24:24):
I just it never really occurredto me that that was abuse, but
this was something that Icouldn't ignore.
So after our son was born, itwas just a lot more of the same,
a lot more of the samebehaviors for many, many years.
(24:46):
But one of the events thatsticks out in my head is an
evening where I came home fromwork.
I had moved from the ConeyIsland into a logistics
brokerage and I remember pickingup our son from daycare, coming
home from work, walking intothe apartment and he is sitting
(25:08):
there just like staring at thefront door, at the kitchen table
.
And as soon as I walked in helooked at me and says I fucking
hate you.
And from that moment I knewlike this is going to be a
terrible, terrible night.
(25:28):
So from like six he kept meawake.
From like six until 3 am he andwhat he would do when he would
keep me awake is he would followme from room to room.
He would be screaming at me,trying to pick a fight with me,
saying the most like obscene,hurtful things.
(25:49):
That night I know that hewhipped me with a wet towel
repeatedly, like if I would tryto like walk out of the room
that he was in, he would likehit me with a towel on the way
out.
He punched holes in our wallsthat night and that was the
first night that he gave mebruises.
And the really messed up thing,the thing that would like piss
(26:13):
me off the most, is that hewould never give me bruises in
places that I couldn't cover up.
And I felt like you are such afucking coward for that, because
I'm like, if you're going to doit, just do it Like why do you?
Why, like you know that it'swrong?
That's why you don't just likedo it for the world to see.
(26:34):
And this, like I knew that thiswas abuse I think I had the word
for it back then too but Itried to justify it by saying
that he didn't hit me because henever used his hands to hit me.
He always used other objects.
So this night he threw a bunchof things at me too, like he
(26:59):
would just like take householditems and throw them at me, and
so he ended up chucking a remoteat me that hit the back of my
hand so hard that when it hit me, my hand instantly blew up.
Like it looked like I had agolf ball on the back of my hand
(27:21):
.
It was black and blue and greenfor such a long time.
I do have pictures of that thatI can share, and I just
remember driving to work thenext day with my hand still
swollen, staring at it at a redlight and thinking what the hell
has my life become?
What am I doing?
(27:42):
But by then I just I feel likeI was just so in it.
I didn't feel like I had anyoneor any place to turn to, so I
was stuck.
I feel I feel grossed out, likemaybe I just need to resurface
for a second.
Take a drink.
(28:04):
Oh, I can't believe that.
Like I'm not even to the worstof it.
So there was also cheating.
I caught him on Ashley Madisonand Tender often I even caught
him trying to purchase a sexworker.
Yeah, I have no words, I wasjust brainwashed.
(28:26):
I was brainwashed andmanipulated and groomed and he
would gaslight me into thinkingthat what I saw really wasn't
what I saw.
You know how it goes.
And then he would also createthese like little assignments
for me because I have left him.
(28:47):
At this point this was one ofthe million times that I tried
to leave him.
I called my parents.
They came and got me, I movedhome.
I was there for like a month,home to Ohio, I mean and then of
course he gets back in my headand I'm like, nope, we need to
work this out.
We're a family, yada, yada.
(29:09):
All this societal brainwashingthat happens to thinking like
being a single mom is so bad.
I ended up going back andbecause I had quit my job to
leave him, I didn't have a jobto go back to.
So he's like I'm going tocreate assignments for you
because if I'm going to beputting in eight hours at work,
(29:30):
you're going to be putting ineight hours of work here at the
house.
We had decided that we weregoing to work with a realtor to
try to buy a house and we hadbeen working with her for a
while.
We finally found one that weliked.
We're in the process of likewe're about to sign paperwork
and he goes oh no, I changed mymind, so we pull out.
(29:52):
We pull out and because, likewe didn't re-sign the lease on
our apartment, we had to go movein with his dad.
We had no place else to go,cool.
So he says you need to goorganize our storage unit and
clean it because we're going tohave to go.
You know, we're going to haveto put so much more in there
(30:12):
because we're going to move inwith my dad for a couple of
months.
And I'm thinking, okay, yeah,like that makes sense, but to
actually go in and get it asclean as he wanted to and have
to send pictures, that is soembarrassing thinking about
right now.
Like who the hell, if I wouldmeet him today, being the person
that I am, I wouldn't even givehim a second glance, never in
(30:38):
my life.
That's how I know how far Ihave come and I'm really proud
of that.
But I'm just remember I toldyou spiderweb thinking I'm going
to go off on little sideescapades.
And you know what I think?
It's because I know that I'mcoming up on the thing that hurt
me the most when I was writingmy story, because this memory
(30:59):
was unlocked and I was like Icried a lot, okay.
So yeah, let's just get into it.
Anyway, I spent all of my timein this bedroom downstairs that
when we lived at his dad's housethey had like a spare bedroom
downstairs and even during thistime, like he would go out
drinking and just like not comehome until like two o'clock in
(31:20):
the morning, and so it was justme and the baby baby, and I
didn't feel like I could say ordo anything to his parents
because, like we're living withthem, they're not charging us
anything, so I'm just liketrying to suck it up, you know.
And when he would come home, Iwould actually decide to like
move and sleep in my son'stoddler bed just to get away
(31:43):
from him at night.
And I don't know if you've everseen that show um made on
Netflix, but there's this scenewhere Alex sleeps in her son's
toddler bed just to get awayfrom him at night.
And I don't know if you've everseen that show made on Netflix,
but there's this scene whereAlex sleeps in her daughter's
toddler bed to avoid her abusiveboyfriend coming home late at
night.
And I remember watching thatscene and being like holy cow,
holy cow, did they get this oneright.
That one got that whole show.
I swear that one got that wholeshow.
(32:04):
I swear they made it after mylife.
It was crazy.
So he had this one friend whosupplied him with drugs and when
he came home from that friend'shouse was the only time that he
would ever want to be intimatewith me.
Did I question if he was gay?
Yes, multiple times, Iguarantee we all have.
So he decides that he's goingto come home from hanging out
(32:28):
with that friend one night andnot take a no for an answer.
And I didn't want to doanything.
Number one, because at thispoint, like I just didn't, I
didn't feel like it was worth it.
And two, our son was in the bedsleeping beside me.
(32:51):
I'm going to cry and I couldn't.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
I didn't want to do anything Fuck.
I didn't want to do anythingthat intimate in front of my
child, but I had to because hewasn't going to take no for an
(33:45):
answer and luckily, luckily, myson never woke up.
I just remember when it wasfinally over.
I just rolled over because Ifelt so dirty, so embarrassed, I
(34:13):
felt like a bad mom and I justwent to sleep telling myself
that I just wasn't ever going tolet myself think of it again.
I just pushed it out of my mindand that's the thing that came
(34:36):
up for me while I was writing mystory.
It just hurts, really bad toremember, you know.
Oh my god, I wish I hadcommercials, because this would
(35:12):
be a great time to head to acommercial break.
Oh my god, oh Whew, that onehurt, that one hurt.
Speaker 2 (35:26):
That one hurt that wasn't the first time that he'd
pulled something like that.
It wouldn't be the last, but itwas the first and only time
where there was a child present.
And now that I'm healing, I'llperiodically go through these
(35:48):
phases where I just don't feellike I can get clean, and I feel
that I've heard that this iscommon with sexual assault
survivors.
But now I'll purchase showergloves and like the African nets
and scrub and I'll use all ofthem in the shower at the same
time.
I'm like in the showerscrubbing the shit, scrubbing my
(36:11):
skin off literally, and I'll bein there for a good 30 minutes
and still come out of the showerfeeling like I'm not clean.
We end up both agreeing thatliving at his dad's wasn't
working out for us.
We start really trying to finda place to move into.
(36:33):
We decide that we're gonnapurchase the trailer, and when
we move into the trailer, thisis where things start to get
really, really fuzzy for me, andI've always kind of said that
like I'm not ready to tell mystory because I don't remember.
And this is the part that Ithink I try to block out.
(36:57):
I'm sorry to leave you on acliffhanger such as that one,
but you said two parts, so I'mgoing to give you two parts.
Thank you for listening, thankyou for being here, thank you
for maybe perhaps crying with me.
I'm so sorry about that.
Listening back to it just torecord this outro so I knew
(37:21):
where I was.
I cried again and I often getthe question like how do I get
through this part?
How do I get through this part?
I just left?
Tell me what to do, and theonly way through it is through
it.
Even in your healing journey,the only way through this for me
(37:44):
is to allow myself to feel thereality of what I went through,
to allow myself to cry, to allowmyself to sit in this until I
fully accept what has happenedand that is just as much part of
self-care as taking a walkoutside or a bath could be
(38:07):
classified as self-care.
And in putting this togetherfor you, putting it all out into
the world, there are newmemories resurfacing, even since
I recorded this.
So I do not think that thiswill be the only time that I
(38:29):
tell my story.
I'm just going to keep writingdown the things that resurface,
the memories that come back tome, and maybe we'll revisit this
once a season.
I want to be completelytransparent with you that this
is how it works for somesurvivors.
We don't remember everything.
I want to be completelytransparent with you that this
(38:51):
is how it works for somesurvivors.
We don't remember everything.
I want to be completelytransparent with you also on how
I possibly include everythingthat's ever happened in an hour
(39:13):
long podcast.
You know, in two parts.
So that's where we're at rightnow.
I will let you have part twonext week, so look forward to
that.
The end of my relationship wasdefinitely the most dangerous,
(39:34):
so we will be getting into someof that and trigger warning.
I cry again, so be prepared forthat as well.
I love you.
Thank you for being here, andwhen I say that, I really do
truly mean it.
I need this sisterhood, like somany of you do.
(39:56):
Telling your stories is healingand hearing the similarities is
healing, so thank you for beinghere.
If you haven't yet, check outmy website.
It's thesurvivorsisterhoodcom.
There is a link to join theSisterhood group on Facebook if
(40:19):
you would like to do that.
I post in it almost everysingle day, and so do other
survivors.
You are welcome to talk aboutthe podcast episodes.
You're welcome to talk aboutthe things that you're currently
going through.
You're welcome to ask questionsand get some support.
(40:39):
We would love to have you inthere also.
You can follow me on socialmedia.
If Facebook isn't your medium,I'm also on Instagram and on
TikTok.
I will leave my handles forthat in the show notes below.
I would love to see you inbetween podcast episodes on my
socials and get to know you alittle bit better.
(41:01):
That would be so cool.
I really do think theseexperiences are.
They're so genuine andbeautiful.
I love everything about it, sojoin us there if you would like.
Share, rate and review thispodcast.
It definitely helps push us outand find the people who truly
(41:25):
do need this, whether it's fortheir healing or they're trying
to leave abuse.
So do us a favor rate, share,subscribe and remember that the
world is a better place becauseyou are in it.
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