May 24, 2024 • 44 mins
Imagine walking through a storm, one where every thunderclap is a harsh word and every lightning strike a moment of fear. That's the reality Lauren bravely shares with us as she details her escape from the clutches of domestic violence and narcissistic abuse. Her voice is a soft yet unyielding force against the shadows of manipulation and isolation, painting a vivid picture of the power imbalances that can trap someone in a cycle of fear. In today's episode, Lauren's story isn't just heard; it resonates, echoing the struggles many face in silence.
Grappling with the legal system while nursing an aching heart is a battle Lauren knows all too well. She recounts the daunting process of obtaining a restraining order and the complexities of navigating through emotional turmoil and legal barriers. Through her journey, we're reminded of the insidious nature of abuse and the critical lifelines friends and support systems provide. Lauren's experience with the court's restraining order serves as an urgent call to action for a system that truly protects the abused. As we explore the intricacies of her story, we shed light on the psychological warfare that victims endure and the importance of standing by them.
This episode is a testament to the indomitable spirit of survivors. As Lauren meets another victim of her abuser, a spark of solidarity ignites, empowering her to confront painful truths. We share this moment of transformation, hoping to inspire those who are fighting similar battles. Remember, your experiences matter, your voice is powerful, and your mental health is paramount. Together, we stand with survivors of abuse, sharing their narratives to foster hope, healing, and change. Join us as we honor these stories of resilience and encourage a future where every survivor's voice is valued.
Join the Sisterhood! www.thesurvivorsisterhood.com
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 OR text begin to 88788
Come join our community of survivors who are looking to meet someone just like you! See the behind the scenes work that goes into the sisterhood non-profit business, discuss DTS episodes, and of course find your survivor sister.
Give me a follow on IG: @thedvsurvivorsisterhood
or on TikTok: @thedvsurvivor
Ready to share your story? Send me an email with the main talking points of your experience and I'll reach out to book an interview.
dismissedtruestories@thesurvivorsisterhood.com
Give DTS a 5 star rating! It helps this podcast reach other victims and survivors who NEED these stories! Help us find each other, help us heal, and help us find safety. Love you, mean it.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
This episode of Dismissed True Stories is
brought to you by Persephoneai.
Persephoneai is an innovativeand disruptive discreet app
where you can more securelystash your evidence of abuse,
make static notes, uploadattachments, import audio-video
files and even requesttranscription and language
(00:21):
translation.
Transcription and languagetranslation.
Then export your full evidence,report on your timeline, sos
the police or even use it incourt after your safe exit.
You are not alone, andPersephone is here when you
don't know who to tell.
Find Persephoneai on GooglePlay or the App Store.
(00:42):
In this episode, we will behearing directly from a survivor
as they recount their personaljourney.
Dismissed True Storiesrecognizes that discussion of
abuse and trauma can evokestrong emotional responses and
it may be triggering for somelisteners.
Listener discretion is advised.
Hey, I'm Elissa and this isDismissed True Stories the
(01:02):
podcast.
Hey, I'm Elissa and this isDismissed True Stories the
podcast.
This podcast was born from theidea that when I was a little
girl, I wanted to be a warreporter, in the sense that I
just really wanted to talk aboutthe things that matter in the
world.
And when I ended up walking awayfrom my professional
broadcasting career and into anabusive relationship, I realized
(01:23):
that victims and survivorsreally do fight their own wars
at home.
I volunteer with a localdomestic violence shelter in my
city and as I was putting on avigil for the lives lost to
domestic violence last year, Istumbled upon a story that will
forever stick with me.
(01:44):
I did the research to find thisvictim's family, since she is no
longer with us, and onesentence kept rattling around in
my brain Let them tell theirstory.
And while I haven't worked upthe confidence to get in touch
with her family just yet, I wantthis podcast to not only be
(02:05):
about the survivors who livedand escaped, but the stories
from the family members ofvictims who, unfortunately, are
no longer with us.
I sat on this idea for almost ayear before I decided to
randomly make a TikTok videoasking for survivors to come
(02:26):
forward and share their storiesof survivorship, and what
happened next was completely andtotally unexpected.
Women came forward sending metheir stories of survival,
telling me that they were sosick and tired of being quiet,
because what happens so often isthat survivors are silenced,
(02:49):
people aren't ready or equippedto handle their truth or
sometimes simply they just don'twant to make the time.
But now, on Dismissed TrueStories, we're making the time.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
He was able to manipulate my anger and twist it
in a way that that would end uphurting her and all my previous
friends, because this is wherehe started to isolate me.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Welcome back to episode five of Dismissed True
Stories.
This is Lauren's Story, parttwo.
I'm your host, elissa, andtoday we're going to be digging
into the back half of Lauren'sstory.
You've heard me say before thatI heard a survivor say, at an
event that I was at, that therewere pieces of her in my story
(03:36):
and there were pieces of me inher story as well, meaning that
she could understand and shecould empathize and she could
come and sit at the same levelthat I was at and truly see me,
my trauma and what I have beenthrough.
And that's what I think aboutthis episode today that truly
(03:59):
every single victim or survivoris going to identify with this
episode in some way, shape orform, because what Lauren has
been through is very textbookfor narcissistic abuse and
domestic violence.
Today we're going to talk abouthow terrifying stalking can be.
(04:20):
We'll talk about how a piece ofpaper really does jack shit to
protect a victim of domesticviolence.
We'll talk about possession andcontrol, physical abuse and how
important it is to help asurvivor and victim understand
(04:42):
that they are not alone.
All of that and more on thisepisode of Dismissed True
Stories.
Let's talk about that.
Tell me how he isolated youbecause it sounds like he used a
lot of intimidation tactics.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
Oh, yeah, yeah, he's six foot and so I'm five one, so
there was not just the age gapthat was intimidating, but his
physical appearance is veryintimidating, but yeah, no.
So basically, there were a lotof threats made whenever I
didn't want to do anything.
Um, he when, when once she leftand was out of the picture for
good and he knew he had me,message all of my friends that I
(05:25):
was friends with with her, allof them saying the most evil and
disgusting things I have everhad to write, and I still, to
this day, get emotional about itbecause it breaks my heart
every time I have to think aboutit.
Like he had me make her out tobe a completely horrible person
(05:47):
and that all my friends werehorrible and that we were all
drunks and that it just it.
At the time I was somanipulated I couldn't see it
and I thought, well, this iswhat he wants me to do for love
reality.
He was threatening me to say,like all these things, and if I
didn't, then he was going todrive me out to the middle of
nowhere and drop me off and haveme walk home.
(06:08):
And so, on one hand, I've gothim going.
Yeah, no, it's okay, like, getall these emotions out, write it
all down.
On the other hand of if youdon't write it correctly, this
is what's going to happen to you, and he would proofread
everything.
If it wasn't to hissatisfaction, that would come up
again, him dropping me off inthe middle of nowhere.
So I'd rewrite it, trying toget into his words.
I would even ask him like whatdo you want me to write then?
(06:30):
Like I'm trying to make youhappy here, like what do I write
?
And he would tell me exactlywhat to write.
And so, unfortunately, I wasnot strong enough to say no to
him about that stuff, because,about that stuff, because I was
scared but also very angry.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
Did he pick who you?
Speaker 2 (06:45):
would message Yep.
Every man that was in ourfriend group, along with two or
three of the females that I wasfriends with too.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Okay, let's just pick this apart for a second,
because this was extremelycalculated on his part, because
how did he pick up Lauren?
He met her at a bar and swoopedin when she was on a break with
her ex-boyfriend.
He made her believe that he wasthe safest shoulder to cry on
and that they could be justfriends, and yada, yada, yada.
(07:17):
So he is projecting.
He is scared that he is goingto lose power and control over
her, which is why he is pickingwho she has to message in this
very vile and hurtful way, notonly to her, but the friends
that she will be messaging.
He wants to make sure that sheis isolated completely from
anyone, including these twoother female friends that are
(07:41):
going to be supportive to her,to show her love and to almost
be like a lighthouse, a way outof the abuse that he is
inflicting on her.
He wants to make sure that sheis completely stuck.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
Yep, every man that was in our friend group, along
with two or three of the femalesthat I was friends with too,
along with two or three of thefemales that I was friends with
too.
He knew the friend groupBecause come to find out later
on he would watch me through thefence at the bar, because the
bar that we would go to had aback patio area with a fire pit
(08:17):
and you can easily look throughthe slots Easily, and so that's
what he would do he would stalk.
He would come to the bar onnights I was out and he would
come watch me.
And so that's what he would dohe would stalk.
He would come to the bar onnights I was out and he would
come watch me and listen to myconversations and everything.
And at one point he sent me atext of when my friend and I
were still friends.
He sent me a text saying who'sthe blonde boy in the picture
(08:38):
that you just showed your friend?
What are you guys gigglingabout and I freaking out like
who is I?
That's when I knew he waswatching me and had people
watching me at the same time.
Um, so he would show up to thebar and watch the fence, and
then he would have his friendswatching me when I was inside
the bar, and so I got to thisday.
(08:58):
I'm paranoid, more so becauseof that than anything else,
because I had no clue until hegave himself away with it, and
once I knew about that I knewlike, okay, I'm being watched
and I know it now so I can thinkabout how I'm gonna act now.
And before it gets back to him,I was like he would even tell
me like how many beers I wasallowed to have, and I would
(09:21):
have to sneak a third beer, likein the bathroom.
So that way he didn't know andpretend I only had like one or
two.
And so it because he would getreports back on how many beers I
was drinking, who I was talkingto, how long I would talk to
them, especially if it was amale, like it was.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
I didn't know that till for a long time, and so,
yeah, One in three women willreport being stalked throughout
their lifetime, and a studyconducted by the National
(10:02):
Institute of Justice has shownthat intimate partner stalkers
are more likely to physicallyassault their victim than any
different type of stalker, andunfortunately, this is the most
common form of stalking.
And when a current partnerstalks, it's all about power and
control, because they'retypically doing it out of
jealousy and rage.
Intimate partner stalkers arealso so different from other
types of stalkers because theyare less likely to be stalking
(10:24):
because of a mental disorder ora delusional state.
Typically, the end goal forthis type of stalking is to
either harm the victim, controltheir life or eventually even
unalive them.
That is insane, I mean.
Obviously this man is possessive, and possessive to the point.
(10:47):
Let's list the things he'sessayed you there's been
intimidation tactics, mental,emotional, psychological abuse.
He's stalked you and now we'releading up to when things really
start to escalate.
His possessiveness turns intophysical abuse and you said the
(11:08):
first time that this happenedand the thing that set him off
was because you smiled at yourphone.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Yes, so this took place in February of 2022 or
2023.
Sorry.
We were at the gym PlanetFitness.
I had the black membership cardand so I brought him in as a
guest and we started doingworkouts at night.
I took evening classes thatlast until 10 o'clock at night,
(11:35):
and so we would just go straightto the gym afterwards and meet
up there.
And at one point I had smiled atmy phone because at that point
he was calling me an alcoholic Idrink too much liquor and all
this stuff.
And the song Villain Era poppedon one of BookTok's songs and I
(11:57):
smiled down at it because itwas talking about when she gets
some liquor in her system and Iwas giggling.
I was like that's kind of funny.
And he saw me smiling in themirror and whipped around like
who are you talking to?
I showed.
I was like no, it's a song,like I'm I'm smiling at the song
and he had me open up my phoneand he then proceeded to walk
out of the gym and scrollthrough all my social apps and
(12:20):
everything.
He found a guy on Snapchat whoI had just started talking to
that day and blew up about it.
Um, and we went into my car andhe was talking about throwing
my phone across the parking lot,smashing it.
I was not allowed to leave.
We had to go get cigarettes.
All of a sudden I had to drivehim places to get it, and then
(12:44):
he has my phone still and walkedto his car with it so that I
was forced to get out and gointo his car and with that, just
transferred all the power thatI had to him, in which he drove
us around scaring the livingdaylights out of me, because
this was, at this point, like 12, one o'clock at night.
(13:05):
And so I was like, okay, Igotta get home soon.
Like I can't be out all night.
I've got my family's car withme, like I gotta, gotta go soon.
And so he was like all right,we're gonna make this really
quick.
Then you're going to delete allthe men off your phone, all the
pictures with your former bestfriend, um, so many things like
(13:30):
phone numbers.
I had to go through my contactlist and he would scroll through
and ask me who this was and whothis was.
Facebook only mail familynumbers were allowed.
Those were the only mails thatwere allowed.
Snapchat pretty much had todelete that.
Instagram had to deleteaccounts, which was
heartbreaking because I hadseveral horse accounts for my
(13:51):
horse and so I had to try asfast as I could, screenshot,
screen record all those postsand memories.
I ended up having to deletethose and I go through my entire
Instagram followers andfollowing all in one sit down
and I had over a thousandfollowers and over like 5,000
(14:13):
following because it's Instagramand so I had to get through all
that and delete like all thecowboys, all like actors,
actresses, like whole nine yards.
I had to even go through likeaccounts that I had no clue were
following me because I was apublic account at that point and
I had to go through and blockpeople that were men, that were
(14:37):
men, and so that was rough butit wasn't as bad until I had to
go through the pictures and atthat point he was so pissed off
and frustrated and it was likethree o'clock in the morning
that he said just delete yourentire camera roll.
And I was like I can't, likeI've got my horse's pictures, my
(14:57):
final moments with my horse andyears of footage.
I can't delete it.
And he ended up making medelete it still and I wasn't
able to recover those picturesto this day, unfortunately.
But when I start, he let me go.
Though after that he did say hewas gonna smash my phone.
I was like you can't do that,it's my dad's phone, it's a
(15:17):
felony.
Like you don't need that onyour record.
Like, just give me back myphone, it's gonna be okay.
Like I'll finish this when Iget home.
He said absolutely do it,because I can't look at you.
And I was like, okay, that'sfine.
And as I'm driving home, my momtexts me.
She goes hey, are you okay?
Where, where are you?
And I just text back no, andI'll let you know when I get
(15:39):
home.
And so I got home and she'ssitting on the couch waiting for
me.
The second I said no, she waslike something happened, like
something bad, because when ourmutual friend and I went our
separate ways, my mom, she toldmy mom I was dating him again,
and my mom hates him with apassion, has always hated him
(16:01):
and so she was very upset whenshe found out that I was dating
him again, and rightfully so.
And so when I finally texted,like, no, I'm not okay, she knew
something happened.
And so I got there, I explainedto her everything that happened
.
I told her what happened andeverything, and she was like,
all right, you need to call thecops, we need to file a report.
(16:23):
Like this is not okay, this isnot normal, because it went from
her barely speaking to mebecause of who I was dating to.
You need to do this, this needsbe done.
And since this was before mybest, my, our mutual friend, and
I stopped being friends.
I called her too, but I waslike, hey, I was seeing him,
(16:44):
been seeing him for some timeagain.
Um, this is what happenedtonight.
I could really use you.
And she came over and helpedwith me talking to the police.
I had to submit a ton ofevidence, all the screenshots of
our texts of him threateningand everything Whole nine yards.
So I had that all filled outand she stayed the night with me
at my house because I was like,not okay.
(17:06):
And so the next morning we wentand got a restraining order
against him at the districtcounty courthouse, and that was,
oh, that was my first time everhaving to go into a courthouse
for anything other than aspeeding ticket, and so that was
super intimidating and I had noclue what to expect.
(17:27):
I knew that I had to dress niceand I was in my pajamas still,
because I was still in shock ofwhat happened.
So we went out and went toGoodwill, I got myself some
clothes and had to go up andtestify my side of things and I
couldn't hold it together verywell in the courthouse.
So the judge saw that I wasclearly not okay and actually
(17:51):
heard my story and was like,yeah, you get the temporary
restraining order.
Like this is it's obvious, youneed it, because this guy, this
guy double your age, did this toyou.
Like that's not okay.
And I had requested that thecounty that he lives in because
he lives in a different countythan me or lived in every county
to me.
I had the had it requested thatthey tell me when they served
(18:14):
him.
So that way I knew we evencalled them to make sure that
they would do it and they werelike, yes, absolutely.
And so he didn't get served forat least like three days after
I got my temporary order, andthe only way I know that is
because he kept blowing my phoneup until he got served and once
(18:36):
he got served he stopped, kindof.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
You probably know far too well, if you've been in an
abusive relationship, that theydon't care about laws or rules.
They're just going to come upwith new, creative and crafty
ways to get a hold of you.
You'll see how he gets a holdof her again in just a few
moments, but as it stands rightnow, the only thing that victims
(19:05):
of stalking or domesticviolence are told to do is to
call 911 for immediateassistance, to alert others, to
connect with an advocate, todocument every incident, to end
all contact, to take the threatseriously, to create a safety
plan and even to prepare theirchildren.
(19:25):
That puts so muchresponsibility on the victim and
absolutely none on theperpetrator of violence
themselves.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
But then he was texting on the friend account
and the friend account wasreally him and yeah, and so that
was rough, that was yikes, yeah, no-transcript.
(20:28):
Talking to me from what itseemed.
From what it seemed, um, yeah,no.
And so I reached out to him.
I was like hey, like let's meetup and talk, like we, we just
need to talk.
So then I'll talk this through,like I'll explain my side, you
explain your side.
And so we did.
And we met up on a road that'slike between my house and his
(20:48):
house, although he lived like 15miles away from me, and so we
moved out halfway and he was allsketchy, like in a hood, pulled
up, like scared to go in thecar, whatnot.
And I was like hey, like it'sokay, like you're safe in here,
like even when the headlightswould go past us, he would duck
down, like this is you're reallyparanoid.
(21:09):
But okay, buddy, um, and so wetalked and we're like, okay,
like how do we want to do this?
Like I don't want to have thisrestraining order on you, but
like I don't know what to do.
I've never done this.
And he's like well, you caneither not show up to court for
the second hearing, or you canhave it dismissed, or we can
(21:30):
actually do it like battle itout and you just let me win.
And so for me, going into thatmeeting or that second hearing
for the year-long one, becausethat the temporary was for two
weeks and then, once the twoweeks was up, that's when you
had your second hearing for theyear-long uh protection order
and I got there.
(21:51):
At that point we we had beentalking and FaceTiming
constantly and when I got therehe wasn't allowed to look at me
or anything Like.
We had to keep things separatedand whatnot.
And so finally, when it was ourturn to go up, I just asked the
judge to dismiss it.
I was like I just want todismiss it, like.
And she asked she's like well,if you want to, it's optional,
you can say why.
(22:11):
I was like I just want todismiss it, like.
And she asked you like well, ifyou want to, it's optional, you
can say why.
I was like no comment, becauseI didn't even know what to say.
Like, yeah, that was wild.
And looking back now I'mfrustrated with myself, but I
also understand.
I just did not have the supportto deal with what I was dealing
(22:33):
with whatsoever.
None of us expected him to bethe way that.
He is a complete psycho.
And so once that hearing got,we just left right afterwards
and went on a date together andfor like the first week things
were okay afterwards and thenthings got even worse.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
Things were good for about a week.
That's because they were in thecalm stage of the cycle of
abuse.
He was able to gaslight,manipulate her into believing
that what she had done was wrong, even though she had enough
evidence to possibly receive ayear-long restraining order
against him.
He was able to manipulate herinto believing that the judges,
(23:19):
the police officer, her motherand even her own intuition were
wrong in the case against him.
The four stages in the cycle ofabuse are called tension,
incident, reconciliation andcalm.
They're in the very last stageright now, and it doesn't take
long for the tension to build.
Speaker 2 (23:42):
Yeah, because after it about I want to say like two
weeks after is when my mutualfriend and I went our separate
ways and so it was just him andI was completely isolated.
I had no friends.
And then one of my other bestfriends I had she lived across
(24:02):
the country for me, we had beenfriends for three years.
At that point, or almost threeyears, I was scrolling on
Facebook and noticed that shecommented on my ex-friend's
Facebook post and he saw over myshoulder and so he's like
that's not okay, you can't befriends with her anymore.
And I was just like I just gotcaught, like what the fuck just
happened?
(24:23):
Like okay, what do I need to doto fix this Cause?
I don't need you to get angryat me about this.
And so he had me message herand word for word was just like
you're disowned.
If you want to be a snake, gobe a snake.
And he had me type that up,send it and block Him, and I he
would call me an alcoholic, butthen would make sure I got
(24:46):
completely trashed on theweekends just with him.
Yeah, he would have me get superdressed up and an outfit I
would never wear because I'm ablue jeans, my cowboy boots, my
flannel like that's how Inormally wore like a graphic
t-shirt with my my trucker haton, and he would have me in
(25:06):
these knee-high black boots withheels and black leggings and a
black shirt or a pink shirt or agreen one, like do my hair up
and be like complete full facemakeup, and that I don't do that
as much anymore.
Um, it takes a lot of time andI, when I come home from the bar
, I don't want to spend all thattime taking the makeup off.
(25:26):
I'm ready to just lay down inmy bed and go to sleep.
And so I completely got.
I changed completely.
Once I was isolated.
I would just be doing all thatstuff and then would go out to
the bars with him and have a fewdrinks, but then would get home
and then wake up suddenly inthe morning and not know what
happened and so and it's not, Ihaven't been able to prove it
(25:47):
yet didn't suspect anythingbesides possibly him putting
things in my drink at the bars,because if I was an alcoholic,
then I was going from likehaving to be able to have
multiple beers a night.
I wasn't even making my minimumamount of drinks and I would
wake up the next morning likewhat happened, like I don't even
remember, like laying down inbed at all, and so that started
(26:11):
happening.
And then, in May of 2023, wasthe first time he put hands on
me.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Was this another like phone related incident?
You guys were in a vehicletogether.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Yeah, so this wasn't phone related.
We had actually gone out to thebars and were drinking a bit.
And some of his old MC buddiescame to the bar that we were at
and so they started taking shots.
And I was like, well, if he'staking shots, cause we both
agree, like we drink what weeach like, if I'm having a beer,
he's having a beer.
If he has a shot, then I have ashot, like we make it, so it's
(26:44):
equal and we drink.
Um, so that way there's noarguing about who drank more and
whatnot, cause he would alwaysargue about that.
And so him and his buddies weretaking shots.
I was like, okay, he's taking ashot, like it's clearly okay
for me to take a shot.
And so I had my lemon drop shotthat was my go-to at the time
and had that and was gettingpretty buzzed, pretty tipsy At
(27:05):
this point the drinks areflowing.
Speaker 1 (27:07):
Lauren says that everyone is pretty much tipsy at
the table.
It's at this point that one ofher ex's friends looks at her
and says hey, you're really tiny.
How much do you weigh?
She responds by saying I don'tknow.
It's not really a priority ofmine to weigh myself.
In which the friend says can Ipick you up?
Speaker 2 (27:28):
Lauren feels uncomfortable and confused and
eventually says okay, but thatends up being a decision that
will cost her so he picks me upand I look over and he's pissed,
like it was like prior, to,like once he asked me that
question.
I looked over at him and Ithought I saw him like going
(27:49):
like this, like yes, it's okay,like things are cool because
they're his buddies, like whenme and my friends.
If anyone asked me about myfriends, I completely, 100%,
trust them with my life and Iwould trust them with all my
other friends' lives.
But if he asked me if somethingand they look at you and say
yes, I'm going to take them attheir word.
And so that's what I did withhim and let him pick me up and
(28:10):
he got pissed.
He stormed into the bar and Ilike grabbed his arm.
I was like, hey, like talk to,like what's going on, a little
bit buzz, tipsy, and he goeswe're done, we're done.
Like no, we're done.
I was like, what do you mean?
We're done?
Like you drove me here, likewhat's going on?
And he's like no, we're done,you let him pick you up.
I was like, okay, we're done, Iguess.
And so I started, I left andstarted walking home and which
(28:33):
he blew my phone.
I was like, get your ass backhere.
You need to get back to thisbar.
You're embarrassing me.
I was like I got pissed.
I was so upset.
I was like you told me we'redone and now I have to come back
to you.
Looking back now, that was atotal control move on his part.
I have to applaud him on thatone.
(28:54):
That one was just, I did not seethat coming at all until now
nowadays.
And like when I do look backand so, yeah, he got me to go
back to the bar and we went andleft his house, or left the bar,
and we're driving back to hishouse, when we were arguing
about him breaking up with meand like I, I got a little loud.
(29:16):
I guess I sometimes I don'tunderstand how loud my voice
goes, and so, um, especiallywhen, like I'm nervous or
anxious or anything like that,like I get a higher pitch and so
, um, basically we were justarguing about it and he was like
you never should have let himpick you up like this.
It should have been a nobrainer for you.
(29:37):
Um, why would you do that?
Like we're done because of it.
That's like cheating on me.
And I was.
I was like we're not done likethat.
That's that's not cheating,like that's not what that was.
I looked at you and you saidyes and that's.
I took you at your word andwhatnot.
And he got very pissed off andto the point where he ended up.
(29:57):
We were like on the side streetof his house and he yanked the
car over, went in parking thathad grabbed me by the throat and
shoved me against the window.
So a little passenger seat soshoved me against the window and
I hit my head really hard onthe glass and at that point I
just started panicking because Iwas married prior years and
(30:19):
years and years ago and I hadtrauma when it comes to people
driving me because my ex-husbandwould stand on the brakes and
go, stand on the brakes and go,and so fast forward to now he
would do that and then himscreeching to a halt and
grabbing me and trying to chokeme out, and so I started just
clawing at him, slapping him,just trying to get him off of me
(30:42):
and when he finally does, Islink down to like the
floorboard and I'm rockingmyself and just like freaking
out, in which his response wasget up, get up, get up now.
Because I was trying to screamwhen he had my his hand on my
throat originally and apparentlyI was yelling just like while
rocking, and then he got me bymy arms squeezed and pulled me
(31:03):
back into the same fortunateseat to look at him, in which I
started screaming don't touch me.
And I don't remember seeing hisface or anything for like a
solid minute because I was justscreaming don't touch, seeing
his face or anything for like asolid minute Because I was just
screaming don't touch me.
And it got to the point where hewas just like trying to calm me
down and, like I know, thepanic and pure fear in my eyes
(31:26):
was showing Because he lookedpanicked afterwards and
unfortunately he had picked meup by the arms hard enough that
I had bruises for weeks and he,even after the incident, tried
to gaslight me into thinking itwas my fault and that it didn't
actually happen like I.
He was like why are youfreaking out so much?
(31:48):
I was like you just choked meout.
He's like no, I didn't, you'renot.
That's not what happened.
Like I was like then whathappened?
What happened to what you?
Yes.
Speaker 1 (32:00):
At this point, of course, I interrupt her and I
remind her that you choke onfood and that what he did was
strangle her, and strangulationcan go down in the same kind of
category as attemptedM-U-R-D-e-r, and you've heard me
say it before.
But when strangulation isintroduced into your intimate
partner relationship, you arethen 750 percent more likely to
(32:26):
then be unalived.
He strangled you yeah, he did.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
Unfortunately, at the time I let him gaslight me into
thinking that it was a one-timething and that he has never
done that with any of his exes,he's never laid hands on any
other girls, and he apologizedand he chomped about me even
more to him with that, becausehe, he did the hurt, he did the
(33:03):
pain, and then he was the sourceof comfort afterwards because I
didn't know what else to do atthat point I was.
I was stuck with him completelyisolated, isolated and just,
and for me, like because thatwas in May, I didn't fully leave
him until like the end of June.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
While we're here, I just want to point out that when
she says that he was the onewho comforted her, afterwards,
that is the reconciliation partof the cycle of abuse.
He is going to let this tensionbuild, there's going to be an
eruption and then afterward heis going to be the one there to
pick up the pieces because he'sisolated her from everybody else
(33:45):
.
But listen to how a victim ofviolence will talk themselves
into the fact that it wasn'tactually that bad.
This is one of the answers towhy does she stay?
Speaker 2 (34:03):
Because I at the time I was isolated and my first
thought was, well, he didn'tpunch me, he didn't mess my face
up.
Yeah, he strangled me likethere weren't bruises left on my
neck, although I am fairlycertain to this day.
I had a concussion afterwardsbecause operating motor vehicle,
trying to walk, do anythingthat involved my brain.
(34:25):
I had a headache, it was.
I got dizzy very often for thefirst week afterwards and then
after a week I was, but and I'vehad concussions before that I
knew enough where.
I was like, okay, I might needto get checked out, but I think
I'm okay.
Um, but I just let him andmyself, or let him gaslight me
(34:46):
to the point where I startedgaslighting myself.
I'm just like it's not that bad, like a lot of women have it
worse than me and it's kind oflike I drove myself to stay
because of that.
I was like, well, it could be alot worse and, yeah, did not
have the resources or thefriends to help be like no, it's
(35:07):
not okay.
Speaker 1 (35:08):
Like so what changed from that particular incident in
the car to where, a month later, you finally walk away for good
?
Speaker 2 (35:21):
The day that he actually of the car incident, he
introduced me to one of hisexes.
Love her to death.
She's my best friend, big sis,to this day.
They had dated over five yearsago.
Day they had dated over fiveyears ago and she got back in
contact with him about something, because she was moving and
needed help moving.
And so that day him and I wentout and helped her move into her
(35:44):
little studio and I met her forthe first time and she was like
, if you need a girl to talk to,to hang out with, let me know,
because it was a month before hewas about to go into prison.
Speaker 1 (35:54):
She drops this little tidbit of information about him
going to prison.
However, she doesn't reallyknow the true reason that he is
going, because this man is amaster manipulator.
He has convinced her that everysingle charge that he has had
up to this point is completebogus.
Speaker 2 (36:11):
And so he was like I want you to have someone out
here to help you, so because,while I'm gone.
And so he introduced me to herand she's in her 40s now, but,
like she, whenever we had amoment alone away from him,
she's like are you okay?
I was like, yeah, what do youmean?
Yeah, I'm totally okay.
And she's like, no, I need like, are you okay?
(36:31):
Like, has he done anything?
And she's like, no, I need like, are you okay?
Like, has he done anything?
And I was like, um, no, I don'tknow what you're talking about,
cause I didn't know if she wasgoing to report it back to him
everything that I said.
And so I was like, no,everything's happy, go lucky.
Yep, we're great.
Long live death.
And so it wasn't until um hiscourt hearing um for his service
(36:53):
, for service for his um bookingand whatnot.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
She picked me.
This is when you found out whathis charges were right yes,
this is yeah.
Speaker 2 (37:04):
Yeah, she was.
She picked me up from work anddrove me to the courthouse alone
.
So I finally, like she's like,are you okay?
Like, is everything okay?
I was like, if I tell yousomething, are you gonna tell
him?
He's like, no, she was like, no, absolutely not.
Like, absolutely not.
And I was like.
He put hands on me last monthafter I met you for the first
time, and she looked at me.
I started bawling.
(37:25):
I was like I'm so sorry, like Ididn't.
He told me he changed and Iwanted to believe him.
And then she said he did thatto me too, though, so you're not
alone.
And when she said that likeyou're not alone, I just broke
down completely, like I was.
That was the first time I waslike, maybe I'm actually not
(37:47):
alone, maybe I'm not crazy, like, and so once we got to his
hearing, that's when I found outabout the charges and I was
like, okay, now I'm really notcrazy.
Like, those charges are therefor a reason.
And it got to the point where,like, finally he went to prison
(38:07):
and, like, in the beginning hewas fine with us being friends,
but she was telling me about allthe other women that he was
like bragging about how he hadbeen with while he was dating me
.
So I started getting like thesuspicion, so like, okay, push
away from him like a little bitmore now getting more facts.
I was like I just need to seethe proof, like as long as I can
see it, and see the writing,like everything like that I'll
(38:31):
be done.
I just my brain needs to workthat way, cause I will.
I keep giving someone a chanceuntil I really can't give them a
chance anymore.
And so, yeah, I one day got thephone is and started messaging
all the girls I had suspicionsof and cause he had proposed to
(38:53):
me over the phone, over theprison phone, and I was like,
okay, I can't, like I can't sayno, because if I say no then
he's gonna know something's up,he's gonna know I'm gonna leave,
which then it's gonna make abigger problem for me.
And so I was like I said yes tohim.
I still feel dirty about it.
He was like he got so giddyabout it and like I was like,
(39:16):
okay, now I really have to textthose girls and find out what
the heck is going on.
And so I did, and three of themcame back.
We're like, yes, like we did.
One of the girls was so shockedby it because she started dating
him the same time that him andI started dating, dating him the
same time that him and Istarted dating, and she got all
the good, beautiful, likeromantic stuff, because she has
(39:38):
kids too, and so he had hislittle fake family down there,
fake relationship with me uphere, and like she got
everything good and sweet andkind from him, whereas I got all
the negative, the abuse, abuse,all the crap.
And so when I texted her and Itexted her, I texted another
(40:02):
girl and another girl and then,like a couple other girls and
three of them came back and oneof them was his ex that sent him
to prison, and I asked her Iwas like, did he put hands on
you too?
And she said yes, yes, he did.
And I am her.
I was like, did he put hands onyou too?
And she said yes, yes, he did.
And I am so sorry that he didwith you because at the time he
was taking testosterone with her, because he was a huge gym rat,
and so she thought it was justthe testosterone and steroids
(40:26):
and whatnot that he was takingfrom the gym and she's like I
can no longer say.
It was because of that, it isbecause of who he is as a person
.
That's why he did it.
Speaker 1 (40:42):
Abuse is abuse, even if they didn't mean to, if they
had a bad day, if they're sad,if they're angry, if they're
your family, if they think youdeserve it, if they accuse you
for it, if they're older thanyou or even if they didn't know
any better, abuse is still abuse.
Matter Abuse is still abuse,and they made the decision to
abuse you.
It is so important to haveanother person who helps you
believe and see that you're notcrazy.
(41:05):
It is so important to helpsurvivors know that they are not
alone.
That little sentence rightthere you are not alone is one
of the most healing things thatyou can say to a victim of abuse
.
For another survivor or avictim who would listen to your
(41:31):
story and really resonate withit, what advice would you give
them?
Speaker 2 (41:38):
You're not crazy, no matter how they make you think,
and the moments where you feelthe most like you, when you're
alone.
If you get the chance to bealone, or don't try to think
that it's nothing, because it issomething, no matter what it is
, even if it's just an unkindword, well, that may not be a
(42:02):
punch to the face.
It's still a punch to yourmental health, which is a punch
nonetheless, and so don't don'tlet yourself think that it's too
little or insignificant.
Nothing's too little orinsignificant.
Nothing's too little orinsignificant.
Speaker 1 (42:18):
Listen to your own voice.
It deserves to be heard.
Speaker 2 (42:24):
Your gut knows Yep.
Speaker 1 (42:27):
Well, thank you so much for sharing your
experiences and being brave andbeing the lighthouse for other
victims who are looking to leaveand other survivors who are
trying to heal.
I appreciate you.
Speaker 2 (42:42):
Absolutely yeah, yeah , thank you.
Speaker 1 (42:50):
Hey, I'm Alyssa, the host of Dismissed True Stories,
and if you like what you heardtoday, give me a five-star
rating and hit that notificationbell, because I do upload every
Friday.
If you are a survivor or youknow someone who this podcast
episode may resonate with, I askthat you share this with them.
There is nothing quite likehelping a survivor or a victim
(43:12):
of abuse feel seen and heard andvalidated.
It is extremely healing andhelpful to the journey and the
process after abuse.
If you are a survivor andyou're ready to share your truth
, please follow me on my socials.
I've included them in thefooter of this episode.
Send me your story, the CliffNotes version, and I will get
(43:37):
back with you.
And, as always, thank you somuch for being here.
The world is truly a betterplace because you are in it.
Thank you.
This episode of Dismissed True Stories is
brought to you by Persephoneai.
Persephoneai is an innovativeand disruptive discreet app
where you can more securelystash your evidence of abuse,
make static notes, uploadattachments, import audio-video
files and even requesttranscription and language
(00:21):
translation.
Transcription and languagetranslation.
Then export your full evidence,report on your timeline, sos
the police or even use it incourt after your safe exit.
You are not alone, andPersephone is here when you
don't know who to tell.
Find Persephoneai on GooglePlay or the App Store.
(00:42):
In this episode, we will behearing directly from a survivor
as they recount their personaljourney.
Dismissed True Storiesrecognizes that discussion of
abuse and trauma can evokestrong emotional responses and
it may be triggering for somelisteners.
Listener discretion is advised.
Hey, I'm Elissa and this isDismissed True Stories the
(01:02):
podcast.
Hey, I'm Elissa and this isDismissed True Stories the
podcast.
This podcast was born from theidea that when I was a little
girl, I wanted to be a warreporter, in the sense that I
just really wanted to talk aboutthe things that matter in the
world.
And when I ended up walking awayfrom my professional
broadcasting career and into anabusive relationship, I realized
(01:23):
that victims and survivorsreally do fight their own wars
at home.
I volunteer with a localdomestic violence shelter in my
city and as I was putting on avigil for the lives lost to
domestic violence last year, Istumbled upon a story that will
forever stick with me.
(01:44):
I did the research to find thisvictim's family, since she is no
longer with us, and onesentence kept rattling around in
my brain Let them tell theirstory.
And while I haven't worked upthe confidence to get in touch
with her family just yet, I wantthis podcast to not only be
(02:05):
about the survivors who livedand escaped, but the stories
from the family members ofvictims who, unfortunately, are
no longer with us.
I sat on this idea for almost ayear before I decided to
randomly make a TikTok videoasking for survivors to come
(02:26):
forward and share their storiesof survivorship, and what
happened next was completely andtotally unexpected.
Women came forward sending metheir stories of survival,
telling me that they were sosick and tired of being quiet,
because what happens so often isthat survivors are silenced,
(02:49):
people aren't ready or equippedto handle their truth or
sometimes simply they just don'twant to make the time.
But now, on Dismissed TrueStories, we're making the time.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
He was able to manipulate my anger and twist it
in a way that that would end uphurting her and all my previous
friends, because this is wherehe started to isolate me.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Welcome back to episode five of Dismissed True
Stories.
This is Lauren's Story, parttwo.
I'm your host, elissa, andtoday we're going to be digging
into the back half of Lauren'sstory.
You've heard me say before thatI heard a survivor say, at an
event that I was at, that therewere pieces of her in my story
(03:36):
and there were pieces of me inher story as well, meaning that
she could understand and shecould empathize and she could
come and sit at the same levelthat I was at and truly see me,
my trauma and what I have beenthrough.
And that's what I think aboutthis episode today that truly
(03:59):
every single victim or survivoris going to identify with this
episode in some way, shape orform, because what Lauren has
been through is very textbookfor narcissistic abuse and
domestic violence.
Today we're going to talk abouthow terrifying stalking can be.
(04:20):
We'll talk about how a piece ofpaper really does jack shit to
protect a victim of domesticviolence.
We'll talk about possession andcontrol, physical abuse and how
important it is to help asurvivor and victim understand
(04:42):
that they are not alone.
All of that and more on thisepisode of Dismissed True
Stories.
Let's talk about that.
Tell me how he isolated youbecause it sounds like he used a
lot of intimidation tactics.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
Oh, yeah, yeah, he's six foot and so I'm five one, so
there was not just the age gapthat was intimidating, but his
physical appearance is veryintimidating, but yeah, no.
So basically, there were a lotof threats made whenever I
didn't want to do anything.
Um, he when, when once she leftand was out of the picture for
good and he knew he had me,message all of my friends that I
(05:25):
was friends with with her, allof them saying the most evil and
disgusting things I have everhad to write, and I still, to
this day, get emotional about itbecause it breaks my heart
every time I have to think aboutit.
Like he had me make her out tobe a completely horrible person
(05:47):
and that all my friends werehorrible and that we were all
drunks and that it just it.
At the time I was somanipulated I couldn't see it
and I thought, well, this iswhat he wants me to do for love
reality.
He was threatening me to say,like all these things, and if I
didn't, then he was going todrive me out to the middle of
nowhere and drop me off and haveme walk home.
(06:08):
And so, on one hand, I've gothim going.
Yeah, no, it's okay, like, getall these emotions out, write it
all down.
On the other hand of if youdon't write it correctly, this
is what's going to happen to you, and he would proofread
everything.
If it wasn't to hissatisfaction, that would come up
again, him dropping me off inthe middle of nowhere.
So I'd rewrite it, trying toget into his words.
I would even ask him like whatdo you want me to write then?
(06:30):
Like I'm trying to make youhappy here, like what do I write
?
And he would tell me exactlywhat to write.
And so, unfortunately, I wasnot strong enough to say no to
him about that stuff, because,about that stuff, because I was
scared but also very angry.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
Did he pick who you?
Speaker 2 (06:45):
would message Yep.
Every man that was in ourfriend group, along with two or
three of the females that I wasfriends with too.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Okay, let's just pick this apart for a second,
because this was extremelycalculated on his part, because
how did he pick up Lauren?
He met her at a bar and swoopedin when she was on a break with
her ex-boyfriend.
He made her believe that he wasthe safest shoulder to cry on
and that they could be justfriends, and yada, yada, yada.
(07:17):
So he is projecting.
He is scared that he is goingto lose power and control over
her, which is why he is pickingwho she has to message in this
very vile and hurtful way, notonly to her, but the friends
that she will be messaging.
He wants to make sure that sheis isolated completely from
anyone, including these twoother female friends that are
(07:41):
going to be supportive to her,to show her love and to almost
be like a lighthouse, a way outof the abuse that he is
inflicting on her.
He wants to make sure that sheis completely stuck.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
Yep, every man that was in our friend group, along
with two or three of the femalesthat I was friends with too,
along with two or three of thefemales that I was friends with
too.
He knew the friend groupBecause come to find out later
on he would watch me through thefence at the bar, because the
bar that we would go to had aback patio area with a fire pit
(08:17):
and you can easily look throughthe slots Easily, and so that's
what he would do he would stalk.
He would come to the bar onnights I was out and he would
come watch me.
And so that's what he would dohe would stalk.
He would come to the bar onnights I was out and he would
come watch me and listen to myconversations and everything.
And at one point he sent me atext of when my friend and I
were still friends.
He sent me a text saying who'sthe blonde boy in the picture
(08:38):
that you just showed your friend?
What are you guys gigglingabout and I freaking out like
who is I?
That's when I knew he waswatching me and had people
watching me at the same time.
Um, so he would show up to thebar and watch the fence, and
then he would have his friendswatching me when I was inside
the bar, and so I got to thisday.
(08:58):
I'm paranoid, more so becauseof that than anything else,
because I had no clue until hegave himself away with it, and
once I knew about that I knewlike, okay, I'm being watched
and I know it now so I can thinkabout how I'm gonna act now.
And before it gets back to him,I was like he would even tell
me like how many beers I wasallowed to have, and I would
(09:21):
have to sneak a third beer, likein the bathroom.
So that way he didn't know andpretend I only had like one or
two.
And so it because he would getreports back on how many beers I
was drinking, who I was talkingto, how long I would talk to
them, especially if it was amale, like it was.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
I didn't know that till for a long time, and so,
yeah, One in three women willreport being stalked throughout
their lifetime, and a studyconducted by the National
(10:02):
Institute of Justice has shownthat intimate partner stalkers
are more likely to physicallyassault their victim than any
different type of stalker, andunfortunately, this is the most
common form of stalking.
And when a current partnerstalks, it's all about power and
control, because they'retypically doing it out of
jealousy and rage.
Intimate partner stalkers arealso so different from other
types of stalkers because theyare less likely to be stalking
(10:24):
because of a mental disorder ora delusional state.
Typically, the end goal forthis type of stalking is to
either harm the victim, controltheir life or eventually even
unalive them.
That is insane, I mean.
Obviously this man is possessive, and possessive to the point.
(10:47):
Let's list the things he'sessayed you there's been
intimidation tactics, mental,emotional, psychological abuse.
He's stalked you and now we'releading up to when things really
start to escalate.
His possessiveness turns intophysical abuse and you said the
(11:08):
first time that this happenedand the thing that set him off
was because you smiled at yourphone.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Yes, so this took place in February of 2022 or
2023.
Sorry.
We were at the gym PlanetFitness.
I had the black membership cardand so I brought him in as a
guest and we started doingworkouts at night.
I took evening classes thatlast until 10 o'clock at night,
(11:35):
and so we would just go straightto the gym afterwards and meet
up there.
And at one point I had smiled atmy phone because at that point
he was calling me an alcoholic Idrink too much liquor and all
this stuff.
And the song Villain Era poppedon one of BookTok's songs and I
(11:57):
smiled down at it because itwas talking about when she gets
some liquor in her system and Iwas giggling.
I was like that's kind of funny.
And he saw me smiling in themirror and whipped around like
who are you talking to?
I showed.
I was like no, it's a song,like I'm I'm smiling at the song
and he had me open up my phoneand he then proceeded to walk
out of the gym and scrollthrough all my social apps and
(12:20):
everything.
He found a guy on Snapchat whoI had just started talking to
that day and blew up about it.
Um, and we went into my car andhe was talking about throwing
my phone across the parking lot,smashing it.
I was not allowed to leave.
We had to go get cigarettes.
All of a sudden I had to drivehim places to get it, and then
(12:44):
he has my phone still and walkedto his car with it so that I
was forced to get out and gointo his car and with that, just
transferred all the power thatI had to him, in which he drove
us around scaring the livingdaylights out of me, because
this was, at this point, like 12, one o'clock at night.
(13:05):
And so I was like, okay, Igotta get home soon.
Like I can't be out all night.
I've got my family's car withme, like I gotta, gotta go soon.
And so he was like all right,we're gonna make this really
quick.
Then you're going to delete allthe men off your phone, all the
pictures with your former bestfriend, um, so many things like
(13:30):
phone numbers.
I had to go through my contactlist and he would scroll through
and ask me who this was and whothis was.
Facebook only mail familynumbers were allowed.
Those were the only mails thatwere allowed.
Snapchat pretty much had todelete that.
Instagram had to deleteaccounts, which was
heartbreaking because I hadseveral horse accounts for my
(13:51):
horse and so I had to try asfast as I could, screenshot,
screen record all those postsand memories.
I ended up having to deletethose and I go through my entire
Instagram followers andfollowing all in one sit down
and I had over a thousandfollowers and over like 5,000
(14:13):
following because it's Instagramand so I had to get through all
that and delete like all thecowboys, all like actors,
actresses, like whole nine yards.
I had to even go through likeaccounts that I had no clue were
following me because I was apublic account at that point and
I had to go through and blockpeople that were men, that were
(14:37):
men, and so that was rough butit wasn't as bad until I had to
go through the pictures and atthat point he was so pissed off
and frustrated and it was likethree o'clock in the morning
that he said just delete yourentire camera roll.
And I was like I can't, likeI've got my horse's pictures, my
(14:57):
final moments with my horse andyears of footage.
I can't delete it.
And he ended up making medelete it still and I wasn't
able to recover those picturesto this day, unfortunately.
But when I start, he let me go.
Though after that he did say hewas gonna smash my phone.
I was like you can't do that,it's my dad's phone, it's a
(15:17):
felony.
Like you don't need that onyour record.
Like, just give me back myphone, it's gonna be okay.
Like I'll finish this when Iget home.
He said absolutely do it,because I can't look at you.
And I was like, okay, that'sfine.
And as I'm driving home, my momtexts me.
She goes hey, are you okay?
Where, where are you?
And I just text back no, andI'll let you know when I get
(15:39):
home.
And so I got home and she'ssitting on the couch waiting for
me.
The second I said no, she waslike something happened, like
something bad, because when ourmutual friend and I went our
separate ways, my mom, she toldmy mom I was dating him again,
and my mom hates him with apassion, has always hated him
(16:01):
and so she was very upset whenshe found out that I was dating
him again, and rightfully so.
And so when I finally texted,like, no, I'm not okay, she knew
something happened.
And so I got there, I explainedto her everything that happened
.
I told her what happened andeverything, and she was like,
all right, you need to call thecops, we need to file a report.
(16:23):
Like this is not okay, this isnot normal, because it went from
her barely speaking to mebecause of who I was dating to.
You need to do this, this needsbe done.
And since this was before mybest, my, our mutual friend, and
I stopped being friends.
I called her too, but I waslike, hey, I was seeing him,
(16:44):
been seeing him for some timeagain.
Um, this is what happenedtonight.
I could really use you.
And she came over and helpedwith me talking to the police.
I had to submit a ton ofevidence, all the screenshots of
our texts of him threateningand everything Whole nine yards.
So I had that all filled outand she stayed the night with me
at my house because I was like,not okay.
(17:06):
And so the next morning we wentand got a restraining order
against him at the districtcounty courthouse, and that was,
oh, that was my first time everhaving to go into a courthouse
for anything other than aspeeding ticket, and so that was
super intimidating and I had noclue what to expect.
(17:27):
I knew that I had to dress niceand I was in my pajamas still,
because I was still in shock ofwhat happened.
So we went out and went toGoodwill, I got myself some
clothes and had to go up andtestify my side of things and I
couldn't hold it together verywell in the courthouse.
So the judge saw that I wasclearly not okay and actually
(17:51):
heard my story and was like,yeah, you get the temporary
restraining order.
Like this is it's obvious, youneed it, because this guy, this
guy double your age, did this toyou.
Like that's not okay.
And I had requested that thecounty that he lives in because
he lives in a different countythan me or lived in every county
to me.
I had the had it requested thatthey tell me when they served
(18:14):
him.
So that way I knew we evencalled them to make sure that
they would do it and they werelike, yes, absolutely.
And so he didn't get served forat least like three days after
I got my temporary order, andthe only way I know that is
because he kept blowing my phoneup until he got served and once
(18:36):
he got served he stopped, kindof.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
You probably know far too well, if you've been in an
abusive relationship, that theydon't care about laws or rules.
They're just going to come upwith new, creative and crafty
ways to get a hold of you.
You'll see how he gets a holdof her again in just a few
moments, but as it stands rightnow, the only thing that victims
(19:05):
of stalking or domesticviolence are told to do is to
call 911 for immediateassistance, to alert others, to
connect with an advocate, todocument every incident, to end
all contact, to take the threatseriously, to create a safety
plan and even to prepare theirchildren.
(19:25):
That puts so muchresponsibility on the victim and
absolutely none on theperpetrator of violence
themselves.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
But then he was texting on the friend account
and the friend account wasreally him and yeah, and so that
was rough, that was yikes, yeah, no-transcript.
(20:28):
Talking to me from what itseemed.
From what it seemed, um, yeah,no.
And so I reached out to him.
I was like hey, like let's meetup and talk, like we, we just
need to talk.
So then I'll talk this through,like I'll explain my side, you
explain your side.
And so we did.
And we met up on a road that'slike between my house and his
(20:48):
house, although he lived like 15miles away from me, and so we
moved out halfway and he was allsketchy, like in a hood, pulled
up, like scared to go in thecar, whatnot.
And I was like hey, like it'sokay, like you're safe in here,
like even when the headlightswould go past us, he would duck
down, like this is you're reallyparanoid.
(21:09):
But okay, buddy, um, and so wetalked and we're like, okay,
like how do we want to do this?
Like I don't want to have thisrestraining order on you, but
like I don't know what to do.
I've never done this.
And he's like well, you caneither not show up to court for
the second hearing, or you canhave it dismissed, or we can
(21:30):
actually do it like battle itout and you just let me win.
And so for me, going into thatmeeting or that second hearing
for the year-long one, becausethat the temporary was for two
weeks and then, once the twoweeks was up, that's when you
had your second hearing for theyear-long uh protection order
and I got there.
(21:51):
At that point we we had beentalking and FaceTiming
constantly and when I got therehe wasn't allowed to look at me
or anything Like.
We had to keep things separatedand whatnot.
And so finally, when it was ourturn to go up, I just asked the
judge to dismiss it.
I was like I just want todismiss it, like.
And she asked she's like well,if you want to, it's optional,
you can say why.
(22:11):
I was like I just want todismiss it, like.
And she asked you like well, ifyou want to, it's optional, you
can say why.
I was like no comment, becauseI didn't even know what to say.
Like, yeah, that was wild.
And looking back now I'mfrustrated with myself, but I
also understand.
I just did not have the supportto deal with what I was dealing
(22:33):
with whatsoever.
None of us expected him to bethe way that.
He is a complete psycho.
And so once that hearing got,we just left right afterwards
and went on a date together andfor like the first week things
were okay afterwards and thenthings got even worse.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
Things were good for about a week.
That's because they were in thecalm stage of the cycle of
abuse.
He was able to gaslight,manipulate her into believing
that what she had done was wrong, even though she had enough
evidence to possibly receive ayear-long restraining order
against him.
He was able to manipulate herinto believing that the judges,
(23:19):
the police officer, her motherand even her own intuition were
wrong in the case against him.
The four stages in the cycle ofabuse are called tension,
incident, reconciliation andcalm.
They're in the very last stageright now, and it doesn't take
long for the tension to build.
Speaker 2 (23:42):
Yeah, because after it about I want to say like two
weeks after is when my mutualfriend and I went our separate
ways and so it was just him andI was completely isolated.
I had no friends.
And then one of my other bestfriends I had she lived across
(24:02):
the country for me, we had beenfriends for three years.
At that point, or almost threeyears, I was scrolling on
Facebook and noticed that shecommented on my ex-friend's
Facebook post and he saw over myshoulder and so he's like
that's not okay, you can't befriends with her anymore.
And I was just like I just gotcaught, like what the fuck just
happened?
(24:23):
Like okay, what do I need to doto fix this Cause?
I don't need you to get angryat me about this.
And so he had me message herand word for word was just like
you're disowned.
If you want to be a snake, gobe a snake.
And he had me type that up,send it and block Him, and I he
would call me an alcoholic, butthen would make sure I got
(24:46):
completely trashed on theweekends just with him.
Yeah, he would have me get superdressed up and an outfit I
would never wear because I'm ablue jeans, my cowboy boots, my
flannel like that's how Inormally wore like a graphic
t-shirt with my my trucker haton, and he would have me in
(25:06):
these knee-high black boots withheels and black leggings and a
black shirt or a pink shirt or agreen one, like do my hair up
and be like complete full facemakeup, and that I don't do that
as much anymore.
Um, it takes a lot of time andI, when I come home from the bar
, I don't want to spend all thattime taking the makeup off.
(25:26):
I'm ready to just lay down inmy bed and go to sleep.
And so I completely got.
I changed completely.
Once I was isolated.
I would just be doing all thatstuff and then would go out to
the bars with him and have a fewdrinks, but then would get home
and then wake up suddenly inthe morning and not know what
happened and so and it's not, Ihaven't been able to prove it
(25:47):
yet didn't suspect anythingbesides possibly him putting
things in my drink at the bars,because if I was an alcoholic,
then I was going from likehaving to be able to have
multiple beers a night.
I wasn't even making my minimumamount of drinks and I would
wake up the next morning likewhat happened, like I don't even
remember, like laying down inbed at all, and so that started
(26:11):
happening.
And then, in May of 2023, wasthe first time he put hands on
me.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Was this another like phone related incident?
You guys were in a vehicletogether.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Yeah, so this wasn't phone related.
We had actually gone out to thebars and were drinking a bit.
And some of his old MC buddiescame to the bar that we were at
and so they started taking shots.
And I was like, well, if he'staking shots, cause we both
agree, like we drink what weeach like, if I'm having a beer,
he's having a beer.
If he has a shot, then I have ashot, like we make it, so it's
(26:44):
equal and we drink.
Um, so that way there's noarguing about who drank more and
whatnot, cause he would alwaysargue about that.
And so him and his buddies weretaking shots.
I was like, okay, he's taking ashot, like it's clearly okay
for me to take a shot.
And so I had my lemon drop shotthat was my go-to at the time
and had that and was gettingpretty buzzed, pretty tipsy At
(27:05):
this point the drinks areflowing.
Speaker 1 (27:07):
Lauren says that everyone is pretty much tipsy at
the table.
It's at this point that one ofher ex's friends looks at her
and says hey, you're really tiny.
How much do you weigh?
She responds by saying I don'tknow.
It's not really a priority ofmine to weigh myself.
In which the friend says can Ipick you up?
Speaker 2 (27:28):
Lauren feels uncomfortable and confused and
eventually says okay, but thatends up being a decision that
will cost her so he picks me upand I look over and he's pissed,
like it was like prior, to,like once he asked me that
question.
I looked over at him and Ithought I saw him like going
(27:49):
like this, like yes, it's okay,like things are cool because
they're his buddies, like whenme and my friends.
If anyone asked me about myfriends, I completely, 100%,
trust them with my life and Iwould trust them with all my
other friends' lives.
But if he asked me if somethingand they look at you and say
yes, I'm going to take them attheir word.
And so that's what I did withhim and let him pick me up and
(28:10):
he got pissed.
He stormed into the bar and Ilike grabbed his arm.
I was like, hey, like talk to,like what's going on, a little
bit buzz, tipsy, and he goeswe're done, we're done.
Like no, we're done.
I was like, what do you mean?
We're done?
Like you drove me here, likewhat's going on?
And he's like no, we're done,you let him pick you up.
I was like, okay, we're done, Iguess.
And so I started, I left andstarted walking home and which
(28:33):
he blew my phone.
I was like, get your ass backhere.
You need to get back to thisbar.
You're embarrassing me.
I was like I got pissed.
I was so upset.
I was like you told me we'redone and now I have to come back
to you.
Looking back now, that was atotal control move on his part.
I have to applaud him on thatone.
(28:54):
That one was just, I did not seethat coming at all until now
nowadays.
And like when I do look backand so, yeah, he got me to go
back to the bar and we went andleft his house, or left the bar,
and we're driving back to hishouse, when we were arguing
about him breaking up with meand like I, I got a little loud.
(29:16):
I guess I sometimes I don'tunderstand how loud my voice
goes, and so, um, especiallywhen, like I'm nervous or
anxious or anything like that,like I get a higher pitch and so
, um, basically we were justarguing about it and he was like
you never should have let himpick you up like this.
It should have been a nobrainer for you.
(29:37):
Um, why would you do that?
Like we're done because of it.
That's like cheating on me.
And I was.
I was like we're not done likethat.
That's that's not cheating,like that's not what that was.
I looked at you and you saidyes and that's.
I took you at your word andwhatnot.
And he got very pissed off andto the point where he ended up.
(29:57):
We were like on the side streetof his house and he yanked the
car over, went in parking thathad grabbed me by the throat and
shoved me against the window.
So a little passenger seat soshoved me against the window and
I hit my head really hard onthe glass and at that point I
just started panicking because Iwas married prior years and
(30:19):
years and years ago and I hadtrauma when it comes to people
driving me because my ex-husbandwould stand on the brakes and
go, stand on the brakes and go,and so fast forward to now he
would do that and then himscreeching to a halt and
grabbing me and trying to chokeme out, and so I started just
clawing at him, slapping him,just trying to get him off of me
(30:42):
and when he finally does, Islink down to like the
floorboard and I'm rockingmyself and just like freaking
out, in which his response wasget up, get up, get up now.
Because I was trying to screamwhen he had my his hand on my
throat originally and apparentlyI was yelling just like while
rocking, and then he got me bymy arms squeezed and pulled me
(31:03):
back into the same fortunateseat to look at him, in which I
started screaming don't touch me.
And I don't remember seeing hisface or anything for like a
solid minute because I was justscreaming don't touch, seeing
his face or anything for like asolid minute Because I was just
screaming don't touch me.
And it got to the point where hewas just like trying to calm me
down and, like I know, thepanic and pure fear in my eyes
(31:26):
was showing Because he lookedpanicked afterwards and
unfortunately he had picked meup by the arms hard enough that
I had bruises for weeks and he,even after the incident, tried
to gaslight me into thinking itwas my fault and that it didn't
actually happen like I.
He was like why are youfreaking out so much?
(31:48):
I was like you just choked meout.
He's like no, I didn't, you'renot.
That's not what happened.
Like I was like then whathappened?
What happened to what you?
Yes.
Speaker 1 (32:00):
At this point, of course, I interrupt her and I
remind her that you choke onfood and that what he did was
strangle her, and strangulationcan go down in the same kind of
category as attemptedM-U-R-D-e-r, and you've heard me
say it before.
But when strangulation isintroduced into your intimate
partner relationship, you arethen 750 percent more likely to
(32:26):
then be unalived.
He strangled you yeah, he did.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
Unfortunately, at the time I let him gaslight me into
thinking that it was a one-timething and that he has never
done that with any of his exes,he's never laid hands on any
other girls, and he apologizedand he chomped about me even
more to him with that, becausehe, he did the hurt, he did the
(33:03):
pain, and then he was the sourceof comfort afterwards because I
didn't know what else to do atthat point I was.
I was stuck with him completelyisolated, isolated and just,
and for me, like because thatwas in May, I didn't fully leave
him until like the end of June.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
While we're here, I just want to point out that when
she says that he was the onewho comforted her, afterwards,
that is the reconciliation partof the cycle of abuse.
He is going to let this tensionbuild, there's going to be an
eruption and then afterward heis going to be the one there to
pick up the pieces because he'sisolated her from everybody else
(33:45):
.
But listen to how a victim ofviolence will talk themselves
into the fact that it wasn'tactually that bad.
This is one of the answers towhy does she stay?
Speaker 2 (34:03):
Because I at the time I was isolated and my first
thought was, well, he didn'tpunch me, he didn't mess my face
up.
Yeah, he strangled me likethere weren't bruises left on my
neck, although I am fairlycertain to this day.
I had a concussion afterwardsbecause operating motor vehicle,
trying to walk, do anythingthat involved my brain.
(34:25):
I had a headache, it was.
I got dizzy very often for thefirst week afterwards and then
after a week I was, but and I'vehad concussions before that I
knew enough where.
I was like, okay, I might needto get checked out, but I think
I'm okay.
Um, but I just let him andmyself, or let him gaslight me
(34:46):
to the point where I startedgaslighting myself.
I'm just like it's not that bad, like a lot of women have it
worse than me and it's kind oflike I drove myself to stay
because of that.
I was like, well, it could be alot worse and, yeah, did not
have the resources or thefriends to help be like no, it's
(35:07):
not okay.
Speaker 1 (35:08):
Like so what changed from that particular incident in
the car to where, a month later, you finally walk away for good
?
Speaker 2 (35:21):
The day that he actually of the car incident, he
introduced me to one of hisexes.
Love her to death.
She's my best friend, big sis,to this day.
They had dated over five yearsago.
Day they had dated over fiveyears ago and she got back in
contact with him about something, because she was moving and
needed help moving.
And so that day him and I wentout and helped her move into her
(35:44):
little studio and I met her forthe first time and she was like
, if you need a girl to talk to,to hang out with, let me know,
because it was a month before hewas about to go into prison.
Speaker 1 (35:54):
She drops this little tidbit of information about him
going to prison.
However, she doesn't reallyknow the true reason that he is
going, because this man is amaster manipulator.
He has convinced her that everysingle charge that he has had
up to this point is completebogus.
Speaker 2 (36:11):
And so he was like I want you to have someone out
here to help you, so because,while I'm gone.
And so he introduced me to herand she's in her 40s now, but,
like she, whenever we had amoment alone away from him,
she's like are you okay?
I was like, yeah, what do youmean?
Yeah, I'm totally okay.
And she's like, no, I need like, are you okay?
(36:31):
Like, has he done anything?
And she's like, no, I need like, are you okay?
Like, has he done anything?
And I was like, um, no, I don'tknow what you're talking about,
cause I didn't know if she wasgoing to report it back to him
everything that I said.
And so I was like, no,everything's happy, go lucky.
Yep, we're great.
Long live death.
And so it wasn't until um hiscourt hearing um for his service
(36:53):
, for service for his um bookingand whatnot.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
She picked me.
This is when you found out whathis charges were right yes,
this is yeah.
Speaker 2 (37:04):
Yeah, she was.
She picked me up from work anddrove me to the courthouse alone
.
So I finally, like she's like,are you okay?
Like, is everything okay?
I was like, if I tell yousomething, are you gonna tell
him?
He's like, no, she was like, no, absolutely not.
Like, absolutely not.
And I was like.
He put hands on me last monthafter I met you for the first
time, and she looked at me.
I started bawling.
(37:25):
I was like I'm so sorry, like Ididn't.
He told me he changed and Iwanted to believe him.
And then she said he did thatto me too, though, so you're not
alone.
And when she said that likeyou're not alone, I just broke
down completely, like I was.
That was the first time I waslike, maybe I'm actually not
(37:47):
alone, maybe I'm not crazy, like, and so once we got to his
hearing, that's when I found outabout the charges and I was
like, okay, now I'm really notcrazy.
Like, those charges are therefor a reason.
And it got to the point where,like, finally he went to prison
(38:07):
and, like, in the beginning hewas fine with us being friends,
but she was telling me about allthe other women that he was
like bragging about how he hadbeen with while he was dating me
.
So I started getting like thesuspicion, so like, okay, push
away from him like a little bitmore now getting more facts.
I was like I just need to seethe proof, like as long as I can
see it, and see the writing,like everything like that I'll
(38:31):
be done.
I just my brain needs to workthat way, cause I will.
I keep giving someone a chanceuntil I really can't give them a
chance anymore.
And so, yeah, I one day got thephone is and started messaging
all the girls I had suspicionsof and cause he had proposed to
(38:53):
me over the phone, over theprison phone, and I was like,
okay, I can't, like I can't sayno, because if I say no then
he's gonna know something's up,he's gonna know I'm gonna leave,
which then it's gonna make abigger problem for me.
And so I was like I said yes tohim.
I still feel dirty about it.
He was like he got so giddyabout it and like I was like,
(39:16):
okay, now I really have to textthose girls and find out what
the heck is going on.
And so I did, and three of themcame back.
We're like, yes, like we did.
One of the girls was so shockedby it because she started dating
him the same time that him andI started dating, dating him the
same time that him and Istarted dating, and she got all
the good, beautiful, likeromantic stuff, because she has
(39:38):
kids too, and so he had hislittle fake family down there,
fake relationship with me uphere, and like she got
everything good and sweet andkind from him, whereas I got all
the negative, the abuse, abuse,all the crap.
And so when I texted her and Itexted her, I texted another
(40:02):
girl and another girl and then,like a couple other girls and
three of them came back and oneof them was his ex that sent him
to prison, and I asked her Iwas like, did he put hands on
you too?
And she said yes, yes, he did.
And I am her.
I was like, did he put hands onyou too?
And she said yes, yes, he did.
And I am so sorry that he didwith you because at the time he
was taking testosterone with her, because he was a huge gym rat,
and so she thought it was justthe testosterone and steroids
(40:26):
and whatnot that he was takingfrom the gym and she's like I
can no longer say.
It was because of that, it isbecause of who he is as a person
.
That's why he did it.
Speaker 1 (40:42):
Abuse is abuse, even if they didn't mean to, if they
had a bad day, if they're sad,if they're angry, if they're
your family, if they think youdeserve it, if they accuse you
for it, if they're older thanyou or even if they didn't know
any better, abuse is still abuse.
Matter Abuse is still abuse,and they made the decision to
abuse you.
It is so important to haveanother person who helps you
believe and see that you're notcrazy.
(41:05):
It is so important to helpsurvivors know that they are not
alone.
That little sentence rightthere you are not alone is one
of the most healing things thatyou can say to a victim of abuse
.
For another survivor or avictim who would listen to your
(41:31):
story and really resonate withit, what advice would you give
them?
Speaker 2 (41:38):
You're not crazy, no matter how they make you think,
and the moments where you feelthe most like you, when you're
alone.
If you get the chance to bealone, or don't try to think
that it's nothing, because it issomething, no matter what it is
, even if it's just an unkindword, well, that may not be a
(42:02):
punch to the face.
It's still a punch to yourmental health, which is a punch
nonetheless, and so don't don'tlet yourself think that it's too
little or insignificant.
Nothing's too little orinsignificant.
Nothing's too little orinsignificant.
Speaker 1 (42:18):
Listen to your own voice.
It deserves to be heard.
Speaker 2 (42:24):
Your gut knows Yep.
Speaker 1 (42:27):
Well, thank you so much for sharing your
experiences and being brave andbeing the lighthouse for other
victims who are looking to leaveand other survivors who are
trying to heal.
I appreciate you.
Speaker 2 (42:42):
Absolutely yeah, yeah , thank you.
Speaker 1 (42:50):
Hey, I'm Alyssa, the host of Dismissed True Stories,
and if you like what you heardtoday, give me a five-star
rating and hit that notificationbell, because I do upload every
Friday.
If you are a survivor or youknow someone who this podcast
episode may resonate with, I askthat you share this with them.
There is nothing quite likehelping a survivor or a victim
(43:12):
of abuse feel seen and heard andvalidated.
It is extremely healing andhelpful to the journey and the
process after abuse.
If you are a survivor andyou're ready to share your truth
, please follow me on my socials.
I've included them in thefooter of this episode.
Send me your story, the CliffNotes version, and I will get
(43:37):
back with you.
And, as always, thank you somuch for being here.
The world is truly a betterplace because you are in it.
Thank you.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.