Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hi, I'm Carlene and
this is Diva.
Tonight I have with me on ZoomJodi Law and she is in
Manchester, uk, united Kingdom.
I guess is what you say.
Most people say, the UK.
So how are you, hi, carlene?
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Yeah, I'm okay,
that's good.
The accent is not veryMancunian.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Definitely, I think.
I think a lot of people in,especially here in North America
, we're always a little bitobsessed with the British accent
, or, you know, just any accentthat sounds different from ours.
Because you're, so it's carriedas the the well-spoken right.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
So and so then then
an Australian accent comes on.
Completely sorry about thatthat's okay.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
so, anyways, the show
is diva tonight and this is 40,
a female perspective andbasically, um, I'm talking to
women who have, who are 40, orwomen who are older, just to
talk about their personalstories and their personal
experiences.
And for you, you've had quitethe journey.
(01:17):
You've worked in the healthcare sector, for health system
for 30 years and you know, Ithink the hardest thing to
discuss is being in anemotionally abusive marriage for
11 years.
You know, I wasn't, I'm notmarried, but I think I can
understand what that's likemyself, because abusive family
(01:42):
is what I grew up with and Idon't really talk about it.
But I think when you're at thisstage in life, you are
comfortable talking aboutcertain things.
So for you, what was thedeciding factor in leaving an
abusive relationship?
What was the turning point?
Yeah, that's it.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
Like you know, I have
come such a long way since then
, but for me there was a coupleof things that happened actually
.
So it was actually a 20-yearmarriage.
Yeah, we were 12 years inbefore I had children.
So at that stage my childrenwere really like five and seven.
They were young and it had gotto the stage where I didn't have
any input with them in therelationship.
(02:22):
I was working and basicallybringing in the money and long
shifts, so I'd go to work andthey were in bed and I'd get
home and they were in bed and sowhen I did get to see them,
they already had their the threeof them as in my ex-husband and
the two children had theirroutine going on.
So I, even when I wasn'tworking, I did, I wasn't, it was
(02:46):
like I was a lodger in my ownhome, and so there was a couple
of things that happened.
I met someone who I just foundreally interesting and we moved
around a lot.
So I didn't have, I wasn't,even though I went to work.
Like you say, you don't talkabout that sort of stuff, you
just don't.
And emotional abuse is a funnything because, like physical
abuse, you can see it, butemotional is a totally different
thing.
(03:06):
Like physical abuse, you cansee it, but emotional is a
totally different thing.
It's you basically end upsecond guessing yourself all the
time.
You don't know who you areanymore at all because
everything that you think is youbelieve is questioned by the
other party.
So you're really lost.
And so we've been in a placethis time for two years and I
got to know a couple of thegirls that I worked with and
(03:27):
there was a couple of situationswhere it was just so evident
that my ex-husband was just hewas just so rude to them and I
thought, oh my God, it's notjust me at all, it's not, it's
not me, it's him.
And they were just so blatantand I'd had got to that point
where I wasn't, I didn't havethe children in my life, how I
wanted to be a parent, and hewas.
(03:48):
It was just like that's it.
I'd had enough, like there wasno plan other than I need to get
out of here.
And so I did.
I was.
I literally packed a suitcaseand I paint, so I took a couple
of canvases and and left, andthe story that I think he told
the children was that I was justgoing to stay with a friend,
(04:10):
but he's not very open aboutthose things, so I don't
actually know what story he didtell the children.
Anyway, life's a lot differentnow, but at the time, yeah, it
was.
I'm so, so, so, so, so pleasedI left.
But oh my God, the heartachethat you go through when you
walk down the steps of theproperty that you've been living
with and when they're out goingfor a coffee and you just don't
(04:31):
go back Like yeah it feels likeyou.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
You left a life that
you were so used to, right, and
I always wonder cause?
It's like they say that we kindof like embody the life that we
grew up with.
So I don't know.
Did you, were your parents,married?
Did they have a good marriage?
Did you have good role models?
Speaker 2 (04:55):
and in that, yes,
yeah, exactly like it was so
different to how I grew up, likeno way.
My child was middle class mom,dad, three sisters and very
uneventful, which is pretty goodwhat I've experienced.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
So it's like a total
experience, like it's more like
a trauma.
That's the thing, isn't it?
Speaker 2 (05:17):
It's either like you
grew up or it's totally opposite
.
It's a bit like so I say to mydaughter you do realize you'll
either marry someone like yourfather or someone totally
opposite.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
It's not an
in-between thing and I went
totally opposite with myrelationship, their behavior
changes and there's obviouslysome issues that they have that
they haven't dealt with, and youcan only help.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
So much right and but
also though I, like I wasn't in
a good place when I met him.
You don't meet people like thatif you're, if you're happy
about yourself, and he was quitea bit older than me, so there
was a lot of issues going on andI had traveled on my own, I'd
done a lot of stuff on my ownand I just and I wasn't happy
with my career choice, all thesethings that bundled up into me
not having a very highself-esteem anyway, because if I
(06:12):
had been happy, I would havemet someone that that I was
happy with.
Do you know what?
Speaker 1 (06:16):
I mean, yeah, they
always say that, so it's.
I was talking to a colleague ofmine yesterday and she's you
know, there's a lot of things,like you know, when you you
listen to these podcasts, likethe Mel Robbins podcast or even
the greatness podcast, wherethey talk about how you have to
be happy with yourself and whereyou are in life to attract that
(06:40):
kind of person, and you said,yeah, do you?
Speaker 2 (06:45):
Yeah, and and and.
That's the thing.
Like so, my, my healing journeybegan when I left there and
I've learned so much about mesince because I didn't know
anything about me.
I mean even just basic stuff.
It was like I had no blueprintof how to live life.
It was that whole.
When I got out, like I canremember.
This is how I smile and laughbecause it's just like how does
(07:08):
an intelligent woman get herselfinto this position?
But it doesn't matter, I meananyone.
It can happen to anyone.
That's the thing.
Yeah, yeah, I can remembergoing to work not long after I'd
left and my sister had given meenough money to get a car.
I remember in my head it wassuch a big deal.
I had to visualize how I wasgoing to go to the petrol
station and get petrol in thecar, because I was just so
(07:31):
stressed about the fact, becauseI hadn't done it on my own,
like and and.
Then that was before I got towork.
I was just it was crazy, butthat's the extent to it was.
It was you were going throughyeah, yeah, just so let's just
what do you say this?
Speaker 1 (07:48):
what happens when
you're what going through the
motions or you're just going?
Speaker 2 (07:53):
it's just like there
was no blueprint on how to live
my life outside that, becauseI've been in such a cocoon for
so long.
We moved around so much and wedid so much, yeah, so we had no
community output.
It wasn't, and I'd never owneda car.
We had a joint car, but Ididn't drive it much.
It was a very, very controllingsituation.
It's so, it's not.
It's just so unhealthy.
(08:13):
And so when I actually did getout and I had to start living on
my own, I had no blueprint onhow to live on my own.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
It was just bizarre
because I hadn't done anything
on my own for that people forsuch a long time.
Yeah, but what I want to knowis where did you meet him?
Like, like you said, you were alot younger when you did so.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
Yeah, I finally I
actually met him in.
I've been traveling overseasover here.
I've done the European, like alot of Australians do.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
I've gone back to.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
Perth and he was out
there.
He was out there.
He'd actually been a 10 poundpump, so he'd lived there and
he'd been back in two and he wasout there and that's when I met
him.
So, and that's what I've beentraveling around, not not
knowing where to look and whatto do, and went back home and
met him and I was looking fordirection, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
It's like when you're
young and you don't understand
the world, like you said you're,you're not given.
We're not given the blueprintof how to raise a child, like
there's books on it but there'snot until you're actually going
through it yourself.
Or even if you have like rolemodels, like you're saying it's.
It's, it's being confident inyourself and and knowing like
(09:24):
this is not a good person Likeit, and knowing to have
boundaries too.
I think having thatself-confidence is it's really.
It's easier said than done.
Speaker 2 (09:34):
It really is and this
is the thing I think like I
look back now like I I've got,you know, yes, absolutely I've
got boundaries and I'm totallyconfident in myself.
But you know, this is 11 yearslater.
I'm a totally different person,you know, and and it.
But it took excuse, french, ittook balls, because when you
come like I was in such a lowspot but everything that I've
(09:56):
learned, it's incrediblyempowering and you don't have to
be at that point that I was atto benefit from all the stuff
that I'm now imparting to peoplewith the work that I do, from
all the stuff that I'm nowimparting to people with the
work that I do.
But it is so powerful.
If you've got that confidencewithin you, then it's kind of
like nothing matters.
(10:16):
Whatever happens, you can dealwith, it's that.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
But getting out.
But I mean, you've experiencedit and other women have.
And if someone is listening andthey're in an abusive
relationship now and they don'tfeel like they can get out if
they have kids, they don't.
You know what I mean.
What do you say to them?
Because, like you said, it tookyou so long to find the courage
(10:44):
and determination to be likeI'm leaving, I can't do this
anymore.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
It is a really good
question because obviously with
all this there is no right andwrong and like there's so much
judgment attached to all of this.
Honestly, if they're listening,just do it.
Just whatever it takes to do tofind some internal thing and
leave, and you know likestatistically it takes.
Now this was about 10 years ago.
It might even be longer, butfor someone this is even with
(11:13):
just physical abuse.
It takes seven times on averagefor a woman to leave and she
keeps returning, but seven timeson average before they actually
leave fully.
So for some women it's a hellof a lot longer.
But it's that habit that theyget in.
It just is just a habit.
It's what they're natural andthey're comfortable with, even
though it's abusive.
And it does take courage tochange habits, even if it's just
(11:36):
a simple habit of eating toomuch chocolate.
How difficult is that?
Let alone something that's thatgrassroots level that every
time you get up in the morningyou're in fear.
It's a terrible situation.
Every time you get up in themorning, you're in fear.
It's a terrible situation.
There's so many people in thatin those situations.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Yeah, very much, and
I'm sure, I'm sure, like even
when you left, like you had todo a lot of self-healing, you
know, oh my, God, the, theseriously.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
the walking out was
the walking out was the reality
is the walking out was the easybit because you are totally on
your own and, yes, there areorganizations out there that
help.
But, to be honest, I leftwithout my children and I wanted
to ask about that.
I didn't have the children, soI got less help because I didn't
have the children, do you?
Speaker 1 (12:20):
feel like you had to
leave the kids, like for you to
get out.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
Yeah, definitely,
like I was in mentally, I wasn't
in a state, and also becausethe relationship had gone like a
gone the.
He was mr mom, so it was lesstraumatic for them if I'd stayed
, if I'd taken them with me.
I had no infrastructure, neverhad to deal with my children,
(12:45):
and I was the one earning themoney as well.
So, yeah, you know what I mean.
So, yeah, none of that was inplace.
So if I'd, if I'd waited tosort that out, I never would
have left.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
That's, that's the
truth yeah yeah, yeah and and
what's the relationship like nowwith your kids?
Bloody fantastic, there we go.
I love that.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
I can feel the energy
.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
When you say that
you're like bloody fantastic, I
feel it.
I feel it when you say thatyeah that's.
That's amazing.
For sure it's like you.
It took you.
You know, the journey of athousand miles begins with a
single step, and so you had todo what you needed to do for
yourself first, before you couldtake care of them, right?
Oh look, 100% 100%.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
And you know, like I
never lost contact with them and
I always saw them.
But I mean, some initially likeit was kind of like well, what
do I do with my kids when I havethem?
Because I hadn't had them inany circumstance.
It was really basic stuff.
But what is it like to be a mum?
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
I haven't been,
haven't been at all on my terms,
yeah.
And then they've gotten used toliving with their dad and
living in that kind ofenvironment too, where he spent
most of the time with them,right, and while you are at work
, right?
So yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
I mean, obviously
it's not like, you know, a
mother-daughter or mother-sonrelationship, but it's fantastic
.
And the last my daughter'sactually just left for uni this
last year, but prior to that wewere actually living together
again and so after nine years wewere living together.
So it's been so.
You're just so grateful for thelittle things, even the
(14:25):
17-year-old tantrums and all thethings that go with the
hormones attached to being ateenager.
But it's really precious, Ihave to say you know it's always
that brings tears to my eyeshow good it is and it's just
normal Like we still argue, likeshe triggers me absolutely, but
(14:46):
I love every second of it.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So what is she studying inschool?
Speaker 2 (14:52):
She's at university.
She's doing liberal arts andshe's got herself into rowing,
which she loves, and she'sfinding out who she is and it's
really lovely to watch.
You know the idea of let's bein that Because in the UK, in
Australia, when we went to uni,you live in the city where the
university is, whereas in the ukeveryone goes away to
(15:13):
university so they learn how tocook and you know, communicate
and all those sort of thingsaway from home so it's kind of
like, uh, the experience itselfto go away from home life and
start a new life on campus andand figure out who you are as a
person.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
Ok, I think I always
wanted to do that.
When I was home, I wanted to goaway, but my mom was like no,
you're staying here.
And then I went to the.
I went to York, here in Toronto, and I mean it was a good
experience.
I met some good friends there.
But I think there's a part ofme, I think they escape to.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
You know, like in the
movies they make it seem so
surreal, right, and yeah,absolutely, and I think that's
what they totally it's type ofsocial media movies.
Now for sure.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Oh, my goodness, Is
it ever?
Did you, was it that wholeexperience?
You brought her to school, likeon campus, and then you helped
her get settled in, and was itemotional for you too, like it's
like you're not a completeempty nester because your son is
obviously not ready foruniversity?
Yeah, but how did that feel?
Speaker 2 (16:21):
it was yeah, I mean
it's it was empty.
It was like an empty nest whenshe'd gone and she was very
emotional about it too.
But it's, like you know, oncethey settle in and make a couple
of friends, like she's reallyenjoying it, she's really
enjoying the whole experience,very social and fitting and
nicely, and it is very much likeokay, so look at it, now I
(16:42):
don't have to be where I ambecause I was here for her
education.
So where will I be?
But I mean in the UK somewhere,because Australia is a long way
away.
You know, if I went back toAustralia it's like a 20 hour
flight to get back, so it'syou'd never see your children,
you know, maybe once every fiveyears or something.
(17:04):
So that's not on the cards atthe moment, but it opens up
other options and it'sdefinitely different, even
though it was only one child.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What was it like growing up inAustralia?
I mean, I don't, you are thefirst that I've met from
Australia and I mean what was?
What was that like?
Tell me.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Yeah, I grew up in
the country, so so in Western
Australia, perth is the mostisolated city in the world and I
grew up five and a half hourssouth of Perth, so right on the
bottom.
If you, if you kept going south, you would hit the Antarctica.
So, as far as you can go southin Western Australia and like
space and simple, simple space,sea, sun and Mm, hmm.
(17:48):
Yeah, and the three things thatI miss, that I miss most is
just everything big, whereaseverything here is small.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Right, right, right.
So it's kind of like.
It's like more of a small townwhere you knew your neighbors
and that kind of community.
Is that what you mean?
Speaker 2 (18:08):
Yes, it was very much
like that actually.
Yeah, I mean now the populationin the town is 16,000 people,
in the shire as well, so in thefarming community.
Oh my gosh in the shire.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
When I hear that, I
think of Lord of the Rings.
There is no traffic lights inthe town.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
There's lots of
roundabouts, but there's still
no traffic lights.
And this is 70 years later 16years later, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
So is it true, like
in Lord of the Rings, when they
say in the Shire, do you thinkthat they've pictured it the
same way?
Or it's kind of like they'vemade it more Hollywood.
You know what I mean.
I don't know if you've seenLord of the Rings.
Speaker 2 (18:47):
I haven't seen Lord
of the Rings, oh you haven't.
I'm sorry, that's okay, that'sthe only reference.
It's just surroundingcountryside.
Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactlyyeah.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
Yeah, so I think
they've done justice to that.
That's the only picturesquethat I have when I think of it
that way.
That's why I said that.
So yeah, that's so amazing.
You know, you've had quite thejourney.
So, even, even still, I meanyou, you career wise, you were
(19:21):
working in the health sector,right?
And so what was that like?
I mean, you're working longhours, right, yeah absolutely so
.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
I'm like I've
traveled with that all around
australia, so I've done allsorts of different bits and
pieces in different areas of ofnursing and then I ended up in
intensive care postgraduate inthat, yeah, and and it is it
it's now that I'm not in anylonger and then I ended up
actually in a cardiaccatheterization laboratory,
(19:52):
which is basically when you havea heart attack, you come into
us and we'll put in stents toopen up the blood vessels If you
need a pacemaker.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
Yeah, oh my gosh, my
uncle's a cardiologist, so he
puts in the pacemakers, yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
Yeah, so that was
sort of where I ended up with
all that, and parts of it arefantastic, Like the cardiology.
There is so much research andso many moves forward in
technology and what they do inthe hospital setting.
But there's also a lot ofthings that happen in the
hospital setting that chronicillness, for example, that isn't
(20:30):
dealt so well with, and themore I got involved in so I got
involved in energy medicine wayback when I left the
relationship 11 years ago 12years ago anyway and I started
yoga actually.
So that was my first experienceof I actually was introduced to
yoga and I joined this regularyoga studio and the first.
(20:51):
They have this special start ofsix weeks for $25.
So I go along every and I knewI needed some assistance to get
through the working day.
So I went every day and thefirst two weeks I was in tears
at the end of every class and Ifigured that you know, I get
this sort of relief.
I didn't really know what wasgoing on, but there was got to
(21:11):
be something.
And then, not so long after that, I started a yoga teacher
training course and then sostraight away when I started,
that that's when things startedto change, because I was
introduced to people, thesebeautiful people who I hadn't
had in my life before.
And then, three months intothat, I was introduced to energy
psychology.
So it was all about youremotions and the connection
(21:35):
between your emotions and yourbody, and basically I got to
work on myself for the next 18months and it was complete death
.
No question it wastransformational.
But then life happens and thenmy ex-husband, who's English,
from Manchester, decides he'smoving the children to the UK
(21:56):
and they all have dualcitizenship and I had to get a
visa to get here.
Wow, and I didn't get the firstvisa I applied for, did I?
Speaker 1 (22:01):
Like it was such a
Always a challenge, isn't it?
We just can't get things theeasy way.
It's like yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
I know so clearly.
You know I wasn't ready to go.
So two years later I got overhere.
Oh my gosh it took you twoyears.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
Wow, I know this is
like we're part of the.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Commonwealth.
Australia is part of theCommonwealth.
We speak the same language, ourqualifications are at a higher
standard than the ones here, butI wasn't coming on a nursing
visa, it was access right tochild's visa because the
children were here.
Oh right, right.
And I didn't get it the firsttime around because it was on
financial grounds.
In the time that I applied theychanged the goalposts.
(22:43):
So I went through an agency andthey said to me no, no, just
show that you've got $10,000 inyour account and that's fine.
So I just showed I had $10,000in your account, that's fine.
So I just showed I had $10,000in my account.
And in the time that I applied,in the three months it takes to
get it, they changed thegoalposts and I needed $20,000.
So they wouldn't take me onfinancial grounds.
So I had to wait another sixmonths to reapply.
(23:05):
It's horrible.
Speaker 1 (23:07):
Yeah, so the people
that were giving you financial
advice.
This is it Exactly?
I'm like yo I want my moneyback.
You guys gave me horribleadvice, now I have to wait
another hour.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
They actually did,
you know.
They got me through, they didthe whole thing.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Oh they did All the
next time.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
But you know, nine
months later, sort of thing.
And then when I got here Iactually did more modalities
because for me that was my wayof coping with a move, only
knowing your ex-husband andchildren come, come to her new
life in the UK.
Speaker 1 (23:41):
So yeah, a new life
beyond your choice.
You know what I mean.
It was kind of like you're thehair.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
You gotta follow your
children.
Yeah, of course you can't not.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
No.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Yeah, what a journey.
Speaker 1 (23:54):
Yeah, and so so wait
a minute.
So when you moved to the UK,what was that like?
Did you have to get your ownplace and start all over again?
Speaker 2 (24:04):
Right, you know, it's
really interesting when you
move to a new country becauseyou have no credit ready.
You don't exist, and so evenlike to open a bank account.
Yeah, I had to open online bankaccounts because I couldn't get
one in the high street becauseI had no, I had no credit rating
.
So oh my gosh yeah, I know it'slike you're a no person, so
(24:26):
it's been an interesting thingand I guess.
So I walked straight into anursing job in the private
sector over here and it was.
You know I'd been doing energymedicine back at home, part-time
, part-time nursing, and there'sso much red tape here in the
health, like so much more thanequivalent in Australia.
So you know, paperwork,involvement I mean I know it's
(24:50):
the health system in Australiathere's a lot more paperwork
than there ever was when westarted into the profession.
But here, honestly, and justthe politics attached to the
work environment, it was justunbelievable.
And I guess the more you getinvolved in energy medicine as
well, your life and your beliefsand your ideals change and you
(25:12):
take on, you're living from yourheart.
So it's a lot like this.
I've always been pretty beingAustralian.
You're pretty blunt anyway, butthe more you get into energy
work.
Your authenticity is.
That's the key to your life.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
When you say energy
work, are you talking about
living a life with mindfulnessin mind, or just mindful living?
Is that what you're saying?
So I guess?
Speaker 2 (25:40):
everything.
So if you look at life aseverything is energy yes, the
way we think and what we say,and movement, all of that so you
know, the only reason we're notfeeling great is because we've
got energy blocks in our body.
And when you start looking atlife in a mind, body, self sense
(26:01):
, from energy, your whole lifecan't help but change.
And so that began with yoga,because yoga is a form of energy
medicine.
You're doing movement with thebreath and you're moving energy.
And then the energy psychologyyou're working.
Emotions are just an energy.
You're using emotions to tuneinto your body.
And where are you feeling thatdiscomfort or what emotion are
you feeling?
(26:21):
And you're getting the energyto move through emotions.
So, and then mindfulness is allabout tuning into you.
What is it that you are feeling?
So being okay with whatever itis that you're feeling and just
allowing that to be there.
Rather than focusing on a storythat doesn't feel great, focus
on the feeling.
Get the feeling to move,because the more you focus on
(26:43):
the story, the more you are justplaying out at that frequency
of story.
So if it's not a great storyand it makes you feel annoyed or
aggravated or scared, then themore you tell that story, you're
staying in that same loop ofenergy frequency.
So if you can start to feelyour energy and getting it flow,
(27:03):
then you're going to transformit and raise the frequency and
feel a darn sight better.
So there's a lot of things thatenergy is, because energy is
everything.
But yeah, there's a wholesystematic approach you can take
to it when you're starting tohave that transformation and
change the way you think,because, again, it's habits.
(27:24):
How do we change those habitsand rewire the neural pathways
in the brain?
Speaker 1 (27:30):
Diva Tonight with
Carlene will be back.
Send us a message on Instagramat diva underscore tonight.