September 30, 2025 • 36 mins
We explore why so many women feel “broken” for being single and why that story serves patriarchy more than personal truth. Fanny Tristan shares how trauma acts like a lens, why community matters, and how to turn loneliness into information instead of panic.
• therapist to coach: moving beyond the medical model
• the myth that single equals wrong
• patriarchy’s scripts and the marriage industrial complex
• readiness, red flags, and values alignment
• trauma as a lens that shapes choices
• generational patterns, power and self-worth
• building a village and filling many cups
• loneliness vs being alone, practical soothing
• tools for trust and non-romantic intimacy
• free resources for combating loneliness and more
Go to hersoulsupply.com and grab the free guide to combating loneliness
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:03):
Hi, I'm Carlene and this is Diva Tonight.
I have with me on Zoom thelovely Fanny Tristan.
She is a mom.
She's also a trauma therapist, asingles coach helping women of
color embrace their single erathrough education, travel, and
(00:25):
sisterhood.
And she also has a blog which Ijust learned.
So Fanny, all the way inBrooklyn, how are you?
I'm great.
Thank you.
Happy to be here, Carlene.
Thank you so much for taking thetime to be on the show.
I think it's always exciting tohave meet people online, which
(00:46):
is seems to be the way of theworld now.
With technology, it makes it soeasy for me to talk to you.
I don't have to fly down to NewYork and be like, you know,
right?
So before we get started, sotell me a little bit about
yourself.
Where did you go to school?
SPEAKER_02 (01:05):
Yeah.
So I have a master's in clinicalsocial work.
And so I kind of always knewthat I wanted to do social work.
And so it's also my bachelor's.
So I went to school in Vermont,in New York.
I mean, in Vermont in the US,and then got my master's at
Fordham University in New YorkCity.
(01:26):
And so that's where I've livedever since.
And I'm based here in Brooklyn,New York with my family.
SPEAKER_01 (01:32):
Okay, lovely.
I guess in your work hours, youhelp women.
So are you mainly a coach or atherapist?
Like, I mean, it's you have twotitles.
Yeah, so I do both.
SPEAKER_02 (01:44):
And so my career in the last few years has been
really focused on my privatepractice.
So restority space is my privatepractice where I work with
eldest daughters at theintersection of trauma and have
been doing trauma, psych trauma,trauma work and trauma therapy
for several years.
That's really the backbone of myskills and my career are in
(02:05):
therapeutic care and mentalhealth support.
And I started my privatepractice back in early 2020.
And I noticed that there was apattern.
There was a trend of women thatwere coming into my practice who
felt that their presentingproblem was that they were
single.
Like they were in their 30s,some of them were in their 40s,
(02:25):
some of them had been single formany, many years, maybe had
never had a healthyrelationship.
Some of them were just at abreakup, some of them have been
through divorces, and they'veall kind of had this common
complaint of like there'ssomething wrong with me for
being single.
I can't, either I can't keep apartner or I'm not being chosen.
And there must it must bebecause there's something wrong
(02:47):
with me.
And, you know, I think for someof the women, there was some
underlying trauma work that wewere doing, and that was really
wonderful.
But I also felt like there wassomething about them that that
resonated with a version of me,right?
That had also been single for avery long time, who also never
felt chosen, who also hadexperienced a lot of heartbreak
(03:10):
and really toxic relationships.
And I knew it was more than justdoing that inner trauma work.
I also knew that when I wasexperiencing my singlehood
journey, part of what has led meto where I am in the life that I
enjoy today is the fact that Idid engage in community, that I
(03:30):
did build sisterhood, that I didbuild my esteem in a way that
really made me feel empowered.
I understood interrelationships,right?
And not just the relationshipwith myself, but relationship
with other people and learninghow to advocate for myself and
all of these skills that I hadlearned that really led me
really to my husband today.
We've been together since 2010.
(03:52):
We've been together many, manyyears, and now we have a
beautiful daughter.
And so, you know, I truly feelthat he is my forever partner
because of not just thefoundations that we build, but
also the person that I was whenwe met.
And it made me realize how muchI had done singlehood in a way
that really helped me become thewoman that I am today.
(04:15):
And so it's not something that Ithank my husband for, right?
I think myself.
I think this previous version ofmyself who really bet on herself
and really didn't make a man thefocus of my health and
well-being and helped me reallybe my authentic self.
And so I just kept rememberingher when I would hear some of
(04:37):
these stories and realizing thatI was really limited by the
medical model of my therapypractice to diagnose these women
when I really don't believe thatthey had a diagnosis, right?
And then treating them forsomething that, you know, had to
be aligned with a diagnosis.
And in order to diagnose thesewomen, I would be part of a long
legacy of providers, ofhealthcare providers who have
(05:01):
pathologized women for notmeeting a stay a status quo or
not being okay with a statusquo.
You know, you saw this withwomen who had been diagnosed
with hysteria, you saw this withwomen who experienced
enslavement, you experiencedthis with women who, you know,
fought for women's rights.
And so I just felt like themodern day single woman,
(05:24):
especially like a millennialwoman or you know, a Gen X woman
who prioritized her career orwho is refusing to settle, or
who is, you know, earning morethan some of the men that that
she's dating and experiencingthe backlash of things like
that, right?
I think that we've kind ofbecome this new face of
(05:45):
problematic woman, right?
Why, why don't you want tosettle down?
Why are your standards so high?
Your top your clock is ticking.
Don't you care that your clockis ticking?
You know, I think that in orderfor me to say, yes, there is
something wrong with you forbeing single and let me treat
you, I think it would just kindof continue that narrative that
there is something innatelywrong with you for not fitting
(06:08):
into this box.
And so Her Soul Supply is mycoaching platform where I was
able to really have the freedomto curate the type of offerings
that I knew would be a holisticsupport to single women outside
of this medical model.
And so at her soul supply, Ihave experiences in which we
(06:28):
gather, in which we learntogether, in which I find
creative ways to educate womenabout the systems in place, like
patriarchy, like sexism, likeracism, that often contribute to
what makes them feel likethey're not enough.
And so really buildingsisterhood and education and
travel as a way to help womenthink more expansively about the
(06:53):
quality of their lives.
SPEAKER_01 (06:54):
Wow.
Um, yeah, it sounds to me likeyour mission, first off, is like
with yourself.
And so you've done a lot ofinner work.
I think that's the mostimportant thing, right?
Because this is a series focusedon women in their 40s.
I just want to know with thewomen that you've worked with,
women who are single, I guess,and think that there's something
(07:17):
wrong.
Why do you think that there's somuch focus on the fact that it's
something wrong with me, notsomething wrong with like the
people I attract?
Why do you think this is there'sso much pressure for women to do
the things?
SPEAKER_02 (07:33):
Because I think that that's the function that society
wants women to serve, right?
We live in, I think no matter,and I mean the majority of
cultures that we live in arevery patriarchal.
They're very male-centered.
And there is a role that womenplay in that patriarchy that is
often very subservient to men.
(07:54):
And those things are overt andcovert, right?
I think the overt ways of thatis yeah, having a man who
expects, you know, women to havelike quote unquote women's work,
right?
These very, very antiquatedideas of gender and how women
are supposed to behave inheterosexual relationships.
(08:15):
So that's the kind of overtthings that we see.
I think some of the covert waysthat we see patriarchy play out
are in things like the marriageindustrial complex, right?
SPEAKER_01 (08:26):
This idea of like what do you mean the marriage
industrial complex?
You're you're going over my headthere.
I'm like, what?
SPEAKER_02 (08:33):
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
I love talking about themarriage industrial complex.
Um, it's something I talk aboutin my workshop a lot.
So the marriage industrialcomplex is kind of the system
that has been created to supportthe economical and power
structures of patriarchy.
And so what that means is takingthe traditional sense of what
(08:55):
marriage is, which was acontract and dowry, right?
Of selling a woman to a man,essentially, is what it was,
right?
That has evolved into, okay,well, now you have a marriage
and it might be a little bitmore equitable, but you are
still kind of expected to giveup something, right?
Whether it's your career or asubmission into building a fan
(09:18):
of a family and all of thesethings, but you're going into a
partnership in this way.
And I think the economical partof the marriage industrial
complex is kind of thedistractions that are created to
have women be attracted tothings about marriage that
actually have nothing to do withmarriage.
(09:39):
For example, the dress, thering, losing weight for the
wedding, having the big party,who's my bridesmaid, what are my
color palettes, what are myflowers, and just people are
making tons of money, right?
It's an entire industry, right,to have a wedding.
And I think even going throughmy own experience through having
a wedding, I felt like I we wereengaged for two years.
(10:23):
What it does it mean forourselves?
Like we we didn't even talk toeach other about can you believe
it?
We're about to do this, right?
SPEAKER_01 (10:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (10:30):
It just becomes this kind of motion that we do
because it's what's expected andwhat there are these symbols,
right?
That kind of show you thatyou're on track, right?
Like the ring and you know, theproposal and like all of these
things that we all get veryexcited about, but isn't really
(10:51):
focusing on, hey, like, are weready for this?
What does it actually mean to beyour wife?
What does it actually mean foryou to be my husband?
Have we talked about what thatmeans?
Do we have we talked about whatit might mean to have children
and like what that actuallylooks like for us?
Right.
I think that that's like thelast thing that people talk
about or think about.
(11:12):
And that's why it's a system,right?
Because I think what we don'trealize is that there's so much
attention put on just gettingwomen to that point, right?
Prepping her for that point,making sure she is attracting
the right partner, making surethat she's in the right circles
and the right, you know, engagedto the right people and has all
(11:34):
her priorities straight.
And then on the other side, youfind some women that are happy
in marriage, right?
But you also find a lot of womenwho realize the grass is not
greener on the other side.
Now I have this partner who Ididn't realize I had to have
conversations with about how tohow to maintain a household, or
someone who I didn't realize wedidn't really have deep enough
(11:57):
conversations about what does itmean for you to be a father to
my children?
How do you show up as the kindof partner that I need you to
show up so I can be the kind ofmom I want to be, right?
We don't ask those questions.
We often just tick the box of,well, he says he wants kids.
I want kids too.
What does that mean?
SPEAKER_01 (12:15):
You know, a lot to think about when it comes to the
Hollywoodism of marriage.
Like, you know, the whole glam,you know, like you said, you're
more focused on the marriageitself and there's an industry
behind it.
There's shows on it now.
Say yes to the dress.
You know, I always think I'mlike, I want to go to Klein Fans
and get a dress, you know,that's the dream right there.
(12:36):
But I mean, I think it's it'slike, I think I have to find the
person that's on the same pagewith me who has the same morals
and values.
Like, what if, what if thatperson, like, what if I don't
want to have kids?
I feel like I've been pressuredfor the longest time and I don't
fit the mold.
I've like, Fanny, I've never fitthe mold.
And I think I'm a non-conformistto say the truth.
(12:58):
You know, I've always been like,oh, like if I if someone expects
me to do something, I'll belike, well, let's do it a
different way.
Just, you know, go against thegrain, you know what I mean?
Be the I don't follow the, Idon't follow the crowd.
I I've always done my own thing.
But I think what I want to askyou, because you've been married
(13:19):
for 15 years, or maybe actuallyyou've been with your person so
over a decade, like you knowwhat I mean?
What questions should you beasking the person that you're
planning to get married to?
Like what should you bediscussing?
SPEAKER_02 (13:34):
That's a good question.
And I'm not specifically adating coach, but I do think
that there are certain thingsthat you need to feel confident
about in your partner in orderto really kind of move forward
with the kind of commitment thatrequires dependency, right?
And so I I don't know if it'sspecific questions as much as it
(13:56):
is talking about specificopinions.
SPEAKER_01 (13:59):
Yeah, yeah.
Right.
Like the conversations to haveis what you're saying.
Because I think you did mentionthat those are the conversations
you should have before you makethat big move, right?
Not necessarily asking thequestions, but also knowing what
is probably a red flag, youknow?
Yeah, noticing the red flags,right?
(14:20):
But going back to you, I thinkthe one thing that a lot of
people don't realize is if youhave a lot, like you're a trauma
coach, and if you have a lot oftrauma or unresolved issues, you
are going to attract that.
And I find that to be so true.
I've watched a lot of podcastslike the Greatness Podcast, and
(14:43):
it's like even though you wantthose things, from what I
remember from one of my guests,her name is Karen Aldad.
She said when she wanted to getmarried, she was hanging around
with people who are happilymarried, you know, surrounding
yourself with the things thatyou want.
What do you think about that?
SPEAKER_02 (15:00):
Yeah, I mean, I think that from a trauma
perspective, trauma is a lensthat you put on.
I think people often think oftrauma as like an experience or
a series of experiences in thepast, and because they're not in
the present, that they don'timpact you.
But trauma is actually like apair of glasses that you put on,
right?
You experience the trauma, theynow become those glasses.
(15:22):
And you walk around looking atthe world through those glasses,
right?
They inform what you think aboutthe world, about people, about
yourself in the world, right?
And so, you know, that that canlook like, yeah, I hang out with
these kinds of people becausethat's what looks normal to me,
right?
Like, for example, if youexperienced a lot of physical
(15:44):
abuse or you uh you observed alot of physical abuse, right,
then you might not think it itseems abnormal to see it around
you, right?
Or to see it happening to yourfriends, right?
That also puts you at risk,right?
To be around that, right?
Whereas if those lenses weren'tweren't on, if the glasses
(16:05):
weren't on, and you saw howviolating it is to put your hand
on somebody, right?
And you you felt that, right,you would say, that's not okay,
right?
Or you would talk to your friendabout like, you know, that's not
okay.
And are you okay?
And I want to support you andnot shame you, right?
I think that's just one of many,many examples, but I do think
(16:27):
that what we do is is a completeresponse to how we feel and what
we think.
And when our thoughts come fromconclusions we've made as a
result of trauma, then that isthe way that the trauma lives
within us every single day, evenif we're not thinking about it.
And so, of course, it's gonnadictate who you're hanging out
with, the kind of opportunitiesyou think that you have, right?
(16:51):
And your world can become reallysmall because trauma is
something that isolates you.
SPEAKER_01 (16:55):
But how do you resolve that?
Because I think a lot of peoplethink there's something wrong
with getting therapy.
I I still think that's the case.
Yeah, as someone who helps a lotof black Latino women, like I I
think we are a race who's had alot of generational trauma.
And when you I'm gonna bringpersonal experience to this,
(17:17):
when you date someone who didnot grow up in a dysfunctional
household, did not grow up withparents who argued a lot and
that's not what they're used to.
Like my first boyfriend,Michael, I went to therapy
because of him because he saidto me, You have an anger
management problem.
Like you need to sort that out.
Because I had a short temper.
(17:38):
I would lash out at the likesmallest thing.
I thought it was okay becausethat's what I was exposed to.
But when you date someone who'snot used to that, they're like,
you need help.
And I think after listening tohim and like just seeing how I
behave, that I was a very angryperson at that time.
I was like younger, I was 19,that I realized he's right.
(18:00):
So I started seeing a therapistbecause you're you when you grow
up in that environment, youthink it's okay.
But when someone else is a partof your world and you're
reacting in a way that they'renot used to and that's not
normal for them, you realizeyou're like, this is not normal.
This is not okay.
(18:20):
Like, I mean, we all get angry,but when you're always like
starting things or you know whatI mean, getting angry for the
smallest thing because yourmoods like mood regulation and
that kind of thing, I I thinkthere's something to be said.
And I think you know, we didn'tlast that long as long as I
wanted it to, but I think as aas someone who looks back, I was
(18:41):
grateful that like maybe he gaveme the push that I needed to
start getting help for myselfbecause I didn't think there was
anything wrong, but thereclearly was, right?
So yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (18:51):
Yeah.
Thank you for sharing thatstory.
I mean, I think that that isit's it's almost like a a gift
uh he left you.
And it's sometimes it's itsounds funny to to say it in
that way, but I kind of I say ittoo.
Like when I think about myheartbreak, you know, I was in a
relationship with someone whowas who had a really terrible
(19:13):
relationship with alcohol.
I was enabling, you know, and II didn't know that I was until
later.
And there was a lot of emotionalenergy put into that
relationship because I felt likeI really had to work to be loved
and for him to keep loving me.
And I think that him breaking upwith me was like I I look back
at that now and I feel reallygrateful, right?
(19:36):
Because it forced me into aplace of personal growth and and
discovery that didn't have thisobject of affection that I had,
which was him and and set me onthe path that brought me to
here.
I'm never gonna say that to hisface.
I want him to always, I want himto always think that he missed
out on, you know, on me.
(19:58):
But I do reflect back on theidea of like, you know,
regardless of the relationship,it is it is a mirror.
And, you know, I didn't have theopportunity of them actually
telling me like this is what'swrong with you.
But it could because in reality,I think the relationship was
really defined by alcoholism.
Which is another issue initself, right?
Yeah, yeah.
(20:19):
Yeah.
But it taught me a lot aboutmyself and my relationship with
power and control and myrelationship with how I defined
my value to other people and howI defined my value to men and
where that came from.
And that to me is verygenerational because coming from
a Latin household, you know,there is a very, very strong
(20:41):
patriarchal values, right?
And so I thought I was supposedto be the woman behind the man.
And there was really no room forme to be honored outside of my,
at the time, mostly sexual andemotional support.
And I wouldn't have realizedthat unless I was no longer in
(21:05):
the relationship.
And I'm so happy that it wasn'tsomething that spanned my entire
20s because I wouldn't have hadthat opportunity to really
figure myself out and learn fromthat and see myself differently,
see my family differently, um,and go through those phases,
right?
The phases of loss, the phasesof grief, um, of not only the
(21:29):
world that I thought that Iwanted to be in or that I
thought I would have, but alsoreconciling like the reality of
the nature of my life and thedynamics that had been playing
out for generations in myhousehold, right?
Not just this idea of like, youknow, I think, and I think this
is something that's common aboutwhy people don't go to therapy
is like, I don't want to be madat my parents, you know, like I
(21:51):
don't want to, I, you know, andit's kind of like, but that's
just one part, right?
Oftentimes that's just the partthat makes you realize, like, oh
dang, like y'all kind of messedup and teaching me to see things
this way, and now it's likereally biting me in the butt.
But also coming with theacceptance of like, but that's
also because like that's whatyou knew, and that's what worked
(22:13):
for your generation and maybegrandma's generation, because a
woman's relationship to a manwas very different back then,
and that I actually have theprivilege to not need a man for
financial security, for umpersonal growth, um, for so many
things that felt like beingmarried was what defined your
(22:34):
life, you know, for someone inlike my grandmother's
generation, right?
And like you were sayingearlier, Carlene, it's like,
well, let's just do it, we'regonna do it different.
And so, and so we did.
And I think we're better off forit, honestly.
Right.
And yeah, I I did still getmarried.
I still, you know, did all ofthese things, but I did it my
way on my timeline, and I didn'thave to pretend when I when I
(22:58):
met my partner, and I don't haveto pretend in my marriage, and
that feels so free, you know.
SPEAKER_00 (23:04):
Diva tonight, glamour for your ears.
This is 40, a femaleperspective.
SPEAKER_01 (23:11):
I'm glad you found him when you did.
2010 was a good year.
I remember 2010, I won't forgetthat year.
Yeah.
I was y'all, you were gettingmarried, I was like, I got into
Humber 2010.
It was the winter Olympics inVancouver, so many highlights.
I was like so happy because Iwas older, I was 28, and I'm
like, I was not sure if I wantedto go back to school, Tanny, but
(23:33):
I was like, when I got in, I waslike, okay, you know, I I'll be
the older student.
But I found like that there weresome other students who were
older too, so it didn't make itfeel as bad.
And you know, when you thinkabout the time, how much time
has gone by, and like listeningto you talk about how you found
like your your husband and nowyou have a a daughter, and like
(23:55):
just finding your community.
So getting back to that, like Ithink what is so important, and
I've heard so many moms say isthat you need a village.
And have you found your villagein terms of like the people who
are there for you when you needa little help?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (24:14):
I love this question because that's what the
sisterhood is to me, right?
I think that starting from mysinglehood journey was me
building that village, right?
Because the focus was no longerI need to find a boyfriend,
right?
Which I think a lot of womenexperience in their friend
circles, right?
(24:35):
Because we all have that kind ofpatriarchal system that we're in
of like, okay, like I feel likeit's like we had a wonderful
time and then we hit 27, andthen all of a sudden everyone
was like, I need to get married.
I'm dating.
Who are you dating?
Are we gonna go on the apps?
What do you and then it justlike your friendships just
become wanting to find someone,which is unfortunate, right?
Because you're a person outsideof romance.
(24:58):
And I I feel like I'm what's itcalled?
The yeah, the odd one out.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
And I feel like I have made apoint to maintain close
relationships with women andalso and also men and and
non-binary folks.
Like I I feel like I've alwaysmaintained a close, intimate
(25:21):
connection with people outsideof romance, right?
That we we go to concertstogether because we have this
shared love of music.
And we we go to these thingstogether or we do business stuff
together because like we'rereally in our bag about these
things, and like you know, youcan count me, and I'll go to
some conference with you, right?
Like just having thesefriendships, right?
(25:43):
And being your emergencycontact, right?
Like, if you are going on adate, please text me when you
get home, you know, and justreally accepting the people that
come into my life in this veryholistic way.
And I think those are thefriendships that have spanned so
much of my adulthood to thepoint where now that I have
become a mom, it is not justsome of my friends becoming moms
(26:07):
as well and understandingexactly what that's like, but
also my aunties that are, youknow, my my friends that are the
aunties who are involved in mylife because they see the
difference and they also know,oh, like, are we gonna still go
out?
Right.
And then I make it a point ofmyself to say, I am not defined
by my relationship.
(26:27):
I am also not defined by mymotherhood.
So it also means that I'm gonnabe pretty unapologetic about my
village taking care of my childbecause mommy's gonna go see
Beyonce.
Mommy's gonna go have her nightout, and it's gonna be it's
gonna be regular.
It's not gonna be that once inthe six months when I'm tired
and you know, my friends want topity me and take me out.
(26:49):
No, like I go out because that'sa part of me that gets
fulfilled, that I've always planto fulfill, right?
Like women are multidimensional.
We have a lot of cups to fill.
And I think we convinceourselves that there's only one
big cup, and that's like themarriage and family cup or the
mom cup.
And it's like, no, I fill thatcup because all those other cups
(27:11):
are overfilling, right?
Because I got my time with myfriends, I got to work out and
my body feels good, and I got todo all of these other things
that feel like parts of myidentity are attended to, and
that makes me a good mom.
And that makes me a good wife,right?
I think that was one of thelessons out of the pandemic that
my husband has said.
(27:31):
We learned a lot of lessonsabout our marriage in the
pandemic, and we had ourdaughter during the pandemic.
But one of the things that hesaid to me was, Oh, like you
have to hang out with yourfriends, you're nicer to me.
He was like, No, I'm alwaysgonna encourage you to go out
with your friends, have yourbrunch, go out for drinks, do
(27:52):
whatever it is that you like,because you come home like happy
to see me.
You come home like more patient.
SPEAKER_01 (28:00):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (28:01):
And it's like, he's right.
And that's the kind of partnerthat I love, right?
That's that's someone who's I'mlike, this is why I married this
man, because he knows that I amdefined more than just this
motherhood role or this wiferole, that I'm this person that
needs to be nurtured just like Inurture him, right?
And so we are both invested inhelping each other pursue the
(28:23):
version of ourselves that weknow make us feel fulfilled.
And that's not defined by justthat one person that you decided
to marry, right?
But that we are important toolsin each other's growth.
SPEAKER_01 (28:33):
Yeah.
Wow, that's amazing.
No, I think it's it's true whatyou said, like being able to
take time for yourself to enjoythe everyday pleasures.
So when you mentioned theBeyonce concert, did you
actually go see Beyonce or isthat just an example?
SPEAKER_02 (28:49):
Oh, I a hundred percent went to Cowboy Carter.
I went with my girlfriend.
It was my first time seeingBeyonce.
I had wanted to see her for manyyears, and this year I was like,
you know what?
I'm I'm going.
I'm going.
Who knows?
Who knows what's gonna happen inthe world?
I'm gonna go see Beyonce.
And now I'm completely hooked,and now I have to go to the next
(29:10):
one because it's just a wholecommunity experience that I feel
like was really warranted, youknow.
Wow.
Yeah.
And I was so excited, and I'mlike, you know what?
Hey, if if we if we become rich,it will become an entire family
experience because my daughterneeds to be here too.
You know, I think it's just beenso exciting and inspiring
(29:33):
because, you know, I know I amnot Beyonce and I know I do not
have Beyonce resources, but youknow, she's a mom too, you know?
And I think it's just it becomesinspiring to be around people
who want to be better versionsof themselves because I think
that that's something thatBeyonce brings out in everybody.
Like we all want to show uplooking glowed up.
(29:53):
We all want to tap into thisinspiring version of ourselves,
and I think that's just such amagnetic energy.
To be around.
SPEAKER_01 (30:00):
So it's kind of like you went to the concert and it
kind of gave you that boost thatyou need.
And we all need that energysource sometimes.
Like, you know, like there'syour happy place, you know, the
things that make you happy.
And obviously that was a goodconcert to experience.
I'm thinking about it myself.
Like, you know, I'm not a hugeBeyonce fan, but I do like a lot
of her music for sure.
(30:22):
You know what I mean?
There's a few artists I thinkI've wanted to see, but I think
I don't know, since thepandemic, concerts have become
really expensive.
And so it's like, okay, we'regonna have to choose now, you
know, who we really want to seeand that kind of thing, right?
The last concert I saw was theBaxti Boys.
And for me, yeah, that was funbecause it brought me back to my
(30:45):
childhood.
Because I remember like everyalbum I, you know, had to get
that album, and I was a hugefan, and they're they're similar
in age.
So I feel like even now theystill put on a good show.
I can't believe it.
Like it's just like, you know,it's amazing to see them live.
And I think it's good for youthat you had the that moment,
you know what I mean?
(31:05):
You got that experience, andhopefully you'll get to
experience it again too.
And getting back to what you doas a coach and a therapist.
And I think there's one thing wedidn't talk about, which I
thought is very interesting.
You talk also about loneliness.
And I think because we'retalking a lot about like the
whole idea of dating and like,you know, wanting to meet the
(31:30):
person that you're supposed tospend your life with, but what
do you think is important whenit comes to accepting loneliness
and being alone and doing thingson your own?
Like, what's your advice towomen who are single or who feel
alone?
SPEAKER_02 (31:47):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Well, I think that there is avery big difference between
there's two things.
There's a difference betweenbeing lonely and being alone.
Oh, right.
Yep.
Right.
Testament as someone who livesin a city of eight of eight
million people.
Oh, there's a lot of lonelypeople in New York City, you
know, and we're stacked alltogether up in these buildings
(32:08):
and packed in these subways,right?
And so I think loneliness isdefinitely a mindset.
And I think it's a mindset thatneeds to be tended to because it
will drive us to think inscarcity and oftentimes leads to
self-sabotage, right?
Like settling for something thatyou know isn't really good for
(32:28):
you just to feel a warm body orjust to feel like you're not in
that kind of lonely place.
So there's that.
I think the second thing aboutloneliness is that it is also
something that needs to beself-soothed, right?
Loneliness, like most emotionsand feelings that we have, are
(32:50):
information.
They're information for us tounderstand what it is that we
feel like we're missing.
And I think because especiallywomen, we're wired to think that
the answer to these things aremen.
I think that that's what leadsus down that path of
self-sabotage.
When in reality, when you thinkabout loneliness as, okay, well,
(33:10):
I just I want someone to witnessmy life, I want someone to hug,
I want someone to play with.
Why does that have to be aromantic connection, right?
Because I think anyone that'sbeen in an unhealthy
relationship knows that being inthe wrong relationship is worse
for you than any kind ofsinglehood journey that you're
on.
That being single ever wouldever harm you.
(33:32):
And I think that we need to beable to understand ourselves
enough to know exactly what itis that we're looking for,
right?
Because it might not just bewanting a sexual connection.
It may not just be I want to bemarried, right?
Loneliness can also be I don'thave a friend to talk to, or I
don't have someone to becompletely myself around because
(33:55):
the friends that I have make mefeel like I need to perform to
keep up with them.
Right.
Right.
A man's not gonna solve thatproblem, right?
A man's not gonna necessarilysolve the problem of thinking
that you're not good enough,right?
And so really being able toaddress those things in the work
so that when you do meetsomebody that you're interested
in, you're on equal footing,right?
(34:15):
Like you're making eye contact,you're not just hoping that they
like you back, you know?
You're showing up with theconfidence of like, yeah, I know
I'm dope.
Oh, you want to hang out?
Okay, I can hang out with you,you're fun.
SPEAKER_01 (34:27):
Yeah, those are some serious things to consider.
And I do see here that on yourwebsite, you have a little
package for someone.
It's a free guide to combatingloneliness.
SPEAKER_02 (34:42):
Yeah.
So people can go to hersoulsupply.com and I have a
little freebies section.
And so I have a few guides thatdive a little deeper into some
of these concepts and thesethings that tend to often impact
single women and and singlewomen of color as well.
So combating loneliness is a bigone.
How to rebuild trust and andbuild new connections with
(35:05):
people, right?
Like basically, like how to howdo you build intimacy with
people in general, right?
In a world where you becomereally skeptical of people,
right?
Because you've been harmed or oryou feel like you you haven't
been good enough.
I also have a new guide on therecalled How to Have a Happy and
Healthy Host Season becauseanother part of my identity.
SPEAKER_01 (35:25):
I like that.
I like that.
Oh my gosh.
Can we have you back to talkabout that?
Let's do that.
I like that.
I think there's a lot ofnegative misconceptions with
that.
You know what I mean?
And and like sometimes you justneed that, right?
And like it should be okay tohave those experiences.
And with that being said, I'mCarleen and this is Diva tonight
(35:51):
with Fanny Tristan in Brooklyn,New York.
I always think of that song, NewYork, you know.
Um, I want to thank you forbeing so humble and for being so
honest about your own personalexperiences because I think in
today's day and age, we alwaysneed just someone to give a
(36:12):
different perspective on thiswhole experience of being a
woman, being single, or beingmarried, or you know, just
trying to figure out this thingcalled life, right?
SPEAKER_02 (36:25):
Yeah.
I mean, thank you so much forhaving me, Carleen, and and just
sharing your story.
And, you know, just I would loveto come back and talk about our
happy and healthy host seasons.
SPEAKER_01 (36:38):
That's so good.
Thank you.
Hi, I'm Carlene and this is Diva Tonight.
I have with me on Zoom thelovely Fanny Tristan.
She is a mom.
She's also a trauma therapist, asingles coach helping women of
color embrace their single erathrough education, travel, and
(00:25):
sisterhood.
And she also has a blog which Ijust learned.
So Fanny, all the way inBrooklyn, how are you?
I'm great.
Thank you.
Happy to be here, Carlene.
Thank you so much for taking thetime to be on the show.
I think it's always exciting tohave meet people online, which
(00:46):
is seems to be the way of theworld now.
With technology, it makes it soeasy for me to talk to you.
I don't have to fly down to NewYork and be like, you know,
right?
So before we get started, sotell me a little bit about
yourself.
Where did you go to school?
SPEAKER_02 (01:05):
Yeah.
So I have a master's in clinicalsocial work.
And so I kind of always knewthat I wanted to do social work.
And so it's also my bachelor's.
So I went to school in Vermont,in New York.
I mean, in Vermont in the US,and then got my master's at
Fordham University in New YorkCity.
(01:26):
And so that's where I've livedever since.
And I'm based here in Brooklyn,New York with my family.
SPEAKER_01 (01:32):
Okay, lovely.
I guess in your work hours, youhelp women.
So are you mainly a coach or atherapist?
Like, I mean, it's you have twotitles.
Yeah, so I do both.
SPEAKER_02 (01:44):
And so my career in the last few years has been
really focused on my privatepractice.
So restority space is my privatepractice where I work with
eldest daughters at theintersection of trauma and have
been doing trauma, psych trauma,trauma work and trauma therapy
for several years.
That's really the backbone of myskills and my career are in
(02:05):
therapeutic care and mentalhealth support.
And I started my privatepractice back in early 2020.
And I noticed that there was apattern.
There was a trend of women thatwere coming into my practice who
felt that their presentingproblem was that they were
single.
Like they were in their 30s,some of them were in their 40s,
(02:25):
some of them had been single formany, many years, maybe had
never had a healthyrelationship.
Some of them were just at abreakup, some of them have been
through divorces, and they'veall kind of had this common
complaint of like there'ssomething wrong with me for
being single.
I can't, either I can't keep apartner or I'm not being chosen.
And there must it must bebecause there's something wrong
(02:47):
with me.
And, you know, I think for someof the women, there was some
underlying trauma work that wewere doing, and that was really
wonderful.
But I also felt like there wassomething about them that that
resonated with a version of me,right?
That had also been single for avery long time, who also never
felt chosen, who also hadexperienced a lot of heartbreak
(03:10):
and really toxic relationships.
And I knew it was more than justdoing that inner trauma work.
I also knew that when I wasexperiencing my singlehood
journey, part of what has led meto where I am in the life that I
enjoy today is the fact that Idid engage in community, that I
(03:30):
did build sisterhood, that I didbuild my esteem in a way that
really made me feel empowered.
I understood interrelationships,right?
And not just the relationshipwith myself, but relationship
with other people and learninghow to advocate for myself and
all of these skills that I hadlearned that really led me
really to my husband today.
We've been together since 2010.
(03:52):
We've been together many, manyyears, and now we have a
beautiful daughter.
And so, you know, I truly feelthat he is my forever partner
because of not just thefoundations that we build, but
also the person that I was whenwe met.
And it made me realize how muchI had done singlehood in a way
that really helped me become thewoman that I am today.
(04:15):
And so it's not something that Ithank my husband for, right?
I think myself.
I think this previous version ofmyself who really bet on herself
and really didn't make a man thefocus of my health and
well-being and helped me reallybe my authentic self.
And so I just kept rememberingher when I would hear some of
(04:37):
these stories and realizing thatI was really limited by the
medical model of my therapypractice to diagnose these women
when I really don't believe thatthey had a diagnosis, right?
And then treating them forsomething that, you know, had to
be aligned with a diagnosis.
And in order to diagnose thesewomen, I would be part of a long
legacy of providers, ofhealthcare providers who have
(05:01):
pathologized women for notmeeting a stay a status quo or
not being okay with a statusquo.
You know, you saw this withwomen who had been diagnosed
with hysteria, you saw this withwomen who experienced
enslavement, you experiencedthis with women who, you know,
fought for women's rights.
And so I just felt like themodern day single woman,
(05:24):
especially like a millennialwoman or you know, a Gen X woman
who prioritized her career orwho is refusing to settle, or
who is, you know, earning morethan some of the men that that
she's dating and experiencingthe backlash of things like
that, right?
I think that we've kind ofbecome this new face of
(05:45):
problematic woman, right?
Why, why don't you want tosettle down?
Why are your standards so high?
Your top your clock is ticking.
Don't you care that your clockis ticking?
You know, I think that in orderfor me to say, yes, there is
something wrong with you forbeing single and let me treat
you, I think it would just kindof continue that narrative that
there is something innatelywrong with you for not fitting
(06:08):
into this box.
And so Her Soul Supply is mycoaching platform where I was
able to really have the freedomto curate the type of offerings
that I knew would be a holisticsupport to single women outside
of this medical model.
And so at her soul supply, Ihave experiences in which we
(06:28):
gather, in which we learntogether, in which I find
creative ways to educate womenabout the systems in place, like
patriarchy, like sexism, likeracism, that often contribute to
what makes them feel likethey're not enough.
And so really buildingsisterhood and education and
travel as a way to help womenthink more expansively about the
(06:53):
quality of their lives.
SPEAKER_01 (06:54):
Wow.
Um, yeah, it sounds to me likeyour mission, first off, is like
with yourself.
And so you've done a lot ofinner work.
I think that's the mostimportant thing, right?
Because this is a series focusedon women in their 40s.
I just want to know with thewomen that you've worked with,
women who are single, I guess,and think that there's something
(07:17):
wrong.
Why do you think that there's somuch focus on the fact that it's
something wrong with me, notsomething wrong with like the
people I attract?
Why do you think this is there'sso much pressure for women to do
the things?
SPEAKER_02 (07:33):
Because I think that that's the function that society
wants women to serve, right?
We live in, I think no matter,and I mean the majority of
cultures that we live in arevery patriarchal.
They're very male-centered.
And there is a role that womenplay in that patriarchy that is
often very subservient to men.
(07:54):
And those things are overt andcovert, right?
I think the overt ways of thatis yeah, having a man who
expects, you know, women to havelike quote unquote women's work,
right?
These very, very antiquatedideas of gender and how women
are supposed to behave inheterosexual relationships.
(08:15):
So that's the kind of overtthings that we see.
I think some of the covert waysthat we see patriarchy play out
are in things like the marriageindustrial complex, right?
SPEAKER_01 (08:26):
This idea of like what do you mean the marriage
industrial complex?
You're you're going over my headthere.
I'm like, what?
SPEAKER_02 (08:33):
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
I love talking about themarriage industrial complex.
Um, it's something I talk aboutin my workshop a lot.
So the marriage industrialcomplex is kind of the system
that has been created to supportthe economical and power
structures of patriarchy.
And so what that means is takingthe traditional sense of what
(08:55):
marriage is, which was acontract and dowry, right?
Of selling a woman to a man,essentially, is what it was,
right?
That has evolved into, okay,well, now you have a marriage
and it might be a little bitmore equitable, but you are
still kind of expected to giveup something, right?
Whether it's your career or asubmission into building a fan
(09:18):
of a family and all of thesethings, but you're going into a
partnership in this way.
And I think the economical partof the marriage industrial
complex is kind of thedistractions that are created to
have women be attracted tothings about marriage that
actually have nothing to do withmarriage.
(09:39):
For example, the dress, thering, losing weight for the
wedding, having the big party,who's my bridesmaid, what are my
color palettes, what are myflowers, and just people are
making tons of money, right?
It's an entire industry, right,to have a wedding.
And I think even going throughmy own experience through having
a wedding, I felt like I we wereengaged for two years.
(10:23):
What it does it mean forourselves?
Like we we didn't even talk toeach other about can you believe
it?
We're about to do this, right?
SPEAKER_01 (10:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (10:30):
It just becomes this kind of motion that we do
because it's what's expected andwhat there are these symbols,
right?
That kind of show you thatyou're on track, right?
Like the ring and you know, theproposal and like all of these
things that we all get veryexcited about, but isn't really
(10:51):
focusing on, hey, like, are weready for this?
What does it actually mean to beyour wife?
What does it actually mean foryou to be my husband?
Have we talked about what thatmeans?
Do we have we talked about whatit might mean to have children
and like what that actuallylooks like for us?
Right.
I think that that's like thelast thing that people talk
about or think about.
(11:12):
And that's why it's a system,right?
Because I think what we don'trealize is that there's so much
attention put on just gettingwomen to that point, right?
Prepping her for that point,making sure she is attracting
the right partner, making surethat she's in the right circles
and the right, you know, engagedto the right people and has all
(11:34):
her priorities straight.
And then on the other side, youfind some women that are happy
in marriage, right?
But you also find a lot of womenwho realize the grass is not
greener on the other side.
Now I have this partner who Ididn't realize I had to have
conversations with about how tohow to maintain a household, or
someone who I didn't realize wedidn't really have deep enough
(11:57):
conversations about what does itmean for you to be a father to
my children?
How do you show up as the kindof partner that I need you to
show up so I can be the kind ofmom I want to be, right?
We don't ask those questions.
We often just tick the box of,well, he says he wants kids.
I want kids too.
What does that mean?
SPEAKER_01 (12:15):
You know, a lot to think about when it comes to the
Hollywoodism of marriage.
Like, you know, the whole glam,you know, like you said, you're
more focused on the marriageitself and there's an industry
behind it.
There's shows on it now.
Say yes to the dress.
You know, I always think I'mlike, I want to go to Klein Fans
and get a dress, you know,that's the dream right there.
(12:36):
But I mean, I think it's it'slike, I think I have to find the
person that's on the same pagewith me who has the same morals
and values.
Like, what if, what if thatperson, like, what if I don't
want to have kids?
I feel like I've been pressuredfor the longest time and I don't
fit the mold.
I've like, Fanny, I've never fitthe mold.
And I think I'm a non-conformistto say the truth.
(12:58):
You know, I've always been like,oh, like if I if someone expects
me to do something, I'll belike, well, let's do it a
different way.
Just, you know, go against thegrain, you know what I mean?
Be the I don't follow the, Idon't follow the crowd.
I I've always done my own thing.
But I think what I want to askyou, because you've been married
(13:19):
for 15 years, or maybe actuallyyou've been with your person so
over a decade, like you knowwhat I mean?
What questions should you beasking the person that you're
planning to get married to?
Like what should you bediscussing?
SPEAKER_02 (13:34):
That's a good question.
And I'm not specifically adating coach, but I do think
that there are certain thingsthat you need to feel confident
about in your partner in orderto really kind of move forward
with the kind of commitment thatrequires dependency, right?
And so I I don't know if it'sspecific questions as much as it
(13:56):
is talking about specificopinions.
SPEAKER_01 (13:59):
Yeah, yeah.
Right.
Like the conversations to haveis what you're saying.
Because I think you did mentionthat those are the conversations
you should have before you makethat big move, right?
Not necessarily asking thequestions, but also knowing what
is probably a red flag, youknow?
Yeah, noticing the red flags,right?
(14:20):
But going back to you, I thinkthe one thing that a lot of
people don't realize is if youhave a lot, like you're a trauma
coach, and if you have a lot oftrauma or unresolved issues, you
are going to attract that.
And I find that to be so true.
I've watched a lot of podcastslike the Greatness Podcast, and
(14:43):
it's like even though you wantthose things, from what I
remember from one of my guests,her name is Karen Aldad.
She said when she wanted to getmarried, she was hanging around
with people who are happilymarried, you know, surrounding
yourself with the things thatyou want.
What do you think about that?
SPEAKER_02 (15:00):
Yeah, I mean, I think that from a trauma
perspective, trauma is a lensthat you put on.
I think people often think oftrauma as like an experience or
a series of experiences in thepast, and because they're not in
the present, that they don'timpact you.
But trauma is actually like apair of glasses that you put on,
right?
You experience the trauma, theynow become those glasses.
(15:22):
And you walk around looking atthe world through those glasses,
right?
They inform what you think aboutthe world, about people, about
yourself in the world, right?
And so, you know, that that canlook like, yeah, I hang out with
these kinds of people becausethat's what looks normal to me,
right?
Like, for example, if youexperienced a lot of physical
(15:44):
abuse or you uh you observed alot of physical abuse, right,
then you might not think it itseems abnormal to see it around
you, right?
Or to see it happening to yourfriends, right?
That also puts you at risk,right?
To be around that, right?
Whereas if those lenses weren'tweren't on, if the glasses
(16:05):
weren't on, and you saw howviolating it is to put your hand
on somebody, right?
And you you felt that, right,you would say, that's not okay,
right?
Or you would talk to your friendabout like, you know, that's not
okay.
And are you okay?
And I want to support you andnot shame you, right?
I think that's just one of many,many examples, but I do think
(16:27):
that what we do is is a completeresponse to how we feel and what
we think.
And when our thoughts come fromconclusions we've made as a
result of trauma, then that isthe way that the trauma lives
within us every single day, evenif we're not thinking about it.
And so, of course, it's gonnadictate who you're hanging out
with, the kind of opportunitiesyou think that you have, right?
(16:51):
And your world can become reallysmall because trauma is
something that isolates you.
SPEAKER_01 (16:55):
But how do you resolve that?
Because I think a lot of peoplethink there's something wrong
with getting therapy.
I I still think that's the case.
Yeah, as someone who helps a lotof black Latino women, like I I
think we are a race who's had alot of generational trauma.
And when you I'm gonna bringpersonal experience to this,
(17:17):
when you date someone who didnot grow up in a dysfunctional
household, did not grow up withparents who argued a lot and
that's not what they're used to.
Like my first boyfriend,Michael, I went to therapy
because of him because he saidto me, You have an anger
management problem.
Like you need to sort that out.
Because I had a short temper.
(17:38):
I would lash out at the likesmallest thing.
I thought it was okay becausethat's what I was exposed to.
But when you date someone who'snot used to that, they're like,
you need help.
And I think after listening tohim and like just seeing how I
behave, that I was a very angryperson at that time.
I was like younger, I was 19,that I realized he's right.
(18:00):
So I started seeing a therapistbecause you're you when you grow
up in that environment, youthink it's okay.
But when someone else is a partof your world and you're
reacting in a way that they'renot used to and that's not
normal for them, you realizeyou're like, this is not normal.
This is not okay.
(18:20):
Like, I mean, we all get angry,but when you're always like
starting things or you know whatI mean, getting angry for the
smallest thing because yourmoods like mood regulation and
that kind of thing, I I thinkthere's something to be said.
And I think you know, we didn'tlast that long as long as I
wanted it to, but I think as aas someone who looks back, I was
(18:41):
grateful that like maybe he gaveme the push that I needed to
start getting help for myselfbecause I didn't think there was
anything wrong, but thereclearly was, right?
So yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (18:51):
Yeah.
Thank you for sharing thatstory.
I mean, I think that that isit's it's almost like a a gift
uh he left you.
And it's sometimes it's itsounds funny to to say it in
that way, but I kind of I say ittoo.
Like when I think about myheartbreak, you know, I was in a
relationship with someone whowas who had a really terrible
(19:13):
relationship with alcohol.
I was enabling, you know, and II didn't know that I was until
later.
And there was a lot of emotionalenergy put into that
relationship because I felt likeI really had to work to be loved
and for him to keep loving me.
And I think that him breaking upwith me was like I I look back
at that now and I feel reallygrateful, right?
(19:36):
Because it forced me into aplace of personal growth and and
discovery that didn't have thisobject of affection that I had,
which was him and and set me onthe path that brought me to
here.
I'm never gonna say that to hisface.
I want him to always, I want himto always think that he missed
out on, you know, on me.
(19:58):
But I do reflect back on theidea of like, you know,
regardless of the relationship,it is it is a mirror.
And, you know, I didn't have theopportunity of them actually
telling me like this is what'swrong with you.
But it could because in reality,I think the relationship was
really defined by alcoholism.
Which is another issue initself, right?
Yeah, yeah.
(20:19):
Yeah.
But it taught me a lot aboutmyself and my relationship with
power and control and myrelationship with how I defined
my value to other people and howI defined my value to men and
where that came from.
And that to me is verygenerational because coming from
a Latin household, you know,there is a very, very strong
(20:41):
patriarchal values, right?
And so I thought I was supposedto be the woman behind the man.
And there was really no room forme to be honored outside of my,
at the time, mostly sexual andemotional support.
And I wouldn't have realizedthat unless I was no longer in
(21:05):
the relationship.
And I'm so happy that it wasn'tsomething that spanned my entire
20s because I wouldn't have hadthat opportunity to really
figure myself out and learn fromthat and see myself differently,
see my family differently, um,and go through those phases,
right?
The phases of loss, the phasesof grief, um, of not only the
(21:29):
world that I thought that Iwanted to be in or that I
thought I would have, but alsoreconciling like the reality of
the nature of my life and thedynamics that had been playing
out for generations in myhousehold, right?
Not just this idea of like, youknow, I think, and I think this
is something that's common aboutwhy people don't go to therapy
is like, I don't want to be madat my parents, you know, like I
(21:51):
don't want to, I, you know, andit's kind of like, but that's
just one part, right?
Oftentimes that's just the partthat makes you realize, like, oh
dang, like y'all kind of messedup and teaching me to see things
this way, and now it's likereally biting me in the butt.
But also coming with theacceptance of like, but that's
also because like that's whatyou knew, and that's what worked
(22:13):
for your generation and maybegrandma's generation, because a
woman's relationship to a manwas very different back then,
and that I actually have theprivilege to not need a man for
financial security, for umpersonal growth, um, for so many
things that felt like beingmarried was what defined your
(22:34):
life, you know, for someone inlike my grandmother's
generation, right?
And like you were sayingearlier, Carlene, it's like,
well, let's just do it, we'regonna do it different.
And so, and so we did.
And I think we're better off forit, honestly.
Right.
And yeah, I I did still getmarried.
I still, you know, did all ofthese things, but I did it my
way on my timeline, and I didn'thave to pretend when I when I
(22:58):
met my partner, and I don't haveto pretend in my marriage, and
that feels so free, you know.
SPEAKER_00 (23:04):
Diva tonight, glamour for your ears.
This is 40, a femaleperspective.
SPEAKER_01 (23:11):
I'm glad you found him when you did.
2010 was a good year.
I remember 2010, I won't forgetthat year.
Yeah.
I was y'all, you were gettingmarried, I was like, I got into
Humber 2010.
It was the winter Olympics inVancouver, so many highlights.
I was like so happy because Iwas older, I was 28, and I'm
like, I was not sure if I wantedto go back to school, Tanny, but
(23:33):
I was like, when I got in, I waslike, okay, you know, I I'll be
the older student.
But I found like that there weresome other students who were
older too, so it didn't make itfeel as bad.
And you know, when you thinkabout the time, how much time
has gone by, and like listeningto you talk about how you found
like your your husband and nowyou have a a daughter, and like
(23:55):
just finding your community.
So getting back to that, like Ithink what is so important, and
I've heard so many moms say isthat you need a village.
And have you found your villagein terms of like the people who
are there for you when you needa little help?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (24:14):
I love this question because that's what the
sisterhood is to me, right?
I think that starting from mysinglehood journey was me
building that village, right?
Because the focus was no longerI need to find a boyfriend,
right?
Which I think a lot of womenexperience in their friend
circles, right?
(24:35):
Because we all have that kind ofpatriarchal system that we're in
of like, okay, like I feel likeit's like we had a wonderful
time and then we hit 27, andthen all of a sudden everyone
was like, I need to get married.
I'm dating.
Who are you dating?
Are we gonna go on the apps?
What do you and then it justlike your friendships just
become wanting to find someone,which is unfortunate, right?
Because you're a person outsideof romance.
(24:58):
And I I feel like I'm what's itcalled?
The yeah, the odd one out.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
And I feel like I have made apoint to maintain close
relationships with women andalso and also men and and
non-binary folks.
Like I I feel like I've alwaysmaintained a close, intimate
(25:21):
connection with people outsideof romance, right?
That we we go to concertstogether because we have this
shared love of music.
And we we go to these thingstogether or we do business stuff
together because like we'rereally in our bag about these
things, and like you know, youcan count me, and I'll go to
some conference with you, right?
Like just having thesefriendships, right?
(25:43):
And being your emergencycontact, right?
Like, if you are going on adate, please text me when you
get home, you know, and justreally accepting the people that
come into my life in this veryholistic way.
And I think those are thefriendships that have spanned so
much of my adulthood to thepoint where now that I have
become a mom, it is not justsome of my friends becoming moms
(26:07):
as well and understandingexactly what that's like, but
also my aunties that are, youknow, my my friends that are the
aunties who are involved in mylife because they see the
difference and they also know,oh, like, are we gonna still go
out?
Right.
And then I make it a point ofmyself to say, I am not defined
by my relationship.
(26:27):
I am also not defined by mymotherhood.
So it also means that I'm gonnabe pretty unapologetic about my
village taking care of my childbecause mommy's gonna go see
Beyonce.
Mommy's gonna go have her nightout, and it's gonna be it's
gonna be regular.
It's not gonna be that once inthe six months when I'm tired
and you know, my friends want topity me and take me out.
(26:49):
No, like I go out because that'sa part of me that gets
fulfilled, that I've always planto fulfill, right?
Like women are multidimensional.
We have a lot of cups to fill.
And I think we convinceourselves that there's only one
big cup, and that's like themarriage and family cup or the
mom cup.
And it's like, no, I fill thatcup because all those other cups
(27:11):
are overfilling, right?
Because I got my time with myfriends, I got to work out and
my body feels good, and I got todo all of these other things
that feel like parts of myidentity are attended to, and
that makes me a good mom.
And that makes me a good wife,right?
I think that was one of thelessons out of the pandemic that
my husband has said.
(27:31):
We learned a lot of lessonsabout our marriage in the
pandemic, and we had ourdaughter during the pandemic.
But one of the things that hesaid to me was, Oh, like you
have to hang out with yourfriends, you're nicer to me.
He was like, No, I'm alwaysgonna encourage you to go out
with your friends, have yourbrunch, go out for drinks, do
(27:52):
whatever it is that you like,because you come home like happy
to see me.
You come home like more patient.
SPEAKER_01 (28:00):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (28:01):
And it's like, he's right.
And that's the kind of partnerthat I love, right?
That's that's someone who's I'mlike, this is why I married this
man, because he knows that I amdefined more than just this
motherhood role or this wiferole, that I'm this person that
needs to be nurtured just like Inurture him, right?
And so we are both invested inhelping each other pursue the
(28:23):
version of ourselves that weknow make us feel fulfilled.
And that's not defined by justthat one person that you decided
to marry, right?
But that we are important toolsin each other's growth.
SPEAKER_01 (28:33):
Yeah.
Wow, that's amazing.
No, I think it's it's true whatyou said, like being able to
take time for yourself to enjoythe everyday pleasures.
So when you mentioned theBeyonce concert, did you
actually go see Beyonce or isthat just an example?
SPEAKER_02 (28:49):
Oh, I a hundred percent went to Cowboy Carter.
I went with my girlfriend.
It was my first time seeingBeyonce.
I had wanted to see her for manyyears, and this year I was like,
you know what?
I'm I'm going.
I'm going.
Who knows?
Who knows what's gonna happen inthe world?
I'm gonna go see Beyonce.
And now I'm completely hooked,and now I have to go to the next
(29:10):
one because it's just a wholecommunity experience that I feel
like was really warranted, youknow.
Wow.
Yeah.
And I was so excited, and I'mlike, you know what?
Hey, if if we if we become rich,it will become an entire family
experience because my daughterneeds to be here too.
You know, I think it's just beenso exciting and inspiring
(29:33):
because, you know, I know I amnot Beyonce and I know I do not
have Beyonce resources, but youknow, she's a mom too, you know?
And I think it's just it becomesinspiring to be around people
who want to be better versionsof themselves because I think
that that's something thatBeyonce brings out in everybody.
Like we all want to show uplooking glowed up.
(29:53):
We all want to tap into thisinspiring version of ourselves,
and I think that's just such amagnetic energy.
To be around.
SPEAKER_01 (30:00):
So it's kind of like you went to the concert and it
kind of gave you that boost thatyou need.
And we all need that energysource sometimes.
Like, you know, like there'syour happy place, you know, the
things that make you happy.
And obviously that was a goodconcert to experience.
I'm thinking about it myself.
Like, you know, I'm not a hugeBeyonce fan, but I do like a lot
of her music for sure.
(30:22):
You know what I mean?
There's a few artists I thinkI've wanted to see, but I think
I don't know, since thepandemic, concerts have become
really expensive.
And so it's like, okay, we'regonna have to choose now, you
know, who we really want to seeand that kind of thing, right?
The last concert I saw was theBaxti Boys.
And for me, yeah, that was funbecause it brought me back to my
(30:45):
childhood.
Because I remember like everyalbum I, you know, had to get
that album, and I was a hugefan, and they're they're similar
in age.
So I feel like even now theystill put on a good show.
I can't believe it.
Like it's just like, you know,it's amazing to see them live.
And I think it's good for youthat you had the that moment,
you know what I mean?
(31:05):
You got that experience, andhopefully you'll get to
experience it again too.
And getting back to what you doas a coach and a therapist.
And I think there's one thing wedidn't talk about, which I
thought is very interesting.
You talk also about loneliness.
And I think because we'retalking a lot about like the
whole idea of dating and like,you know, wanting to meet the
(31:30):
person that you're supposed tospend your life with, but what
do you think is important whenit comes to accepting loneliness
and being alone and doing thingson your own?
Like, what's your advice towomen who are single or who feel
alone?
SPEAKER_02 (31:47):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Well, I think that there is avery big difference between
there's two things.
There's a difference betweenbeing lonely and being alone.
Oh, right.
Yep.
Right.
Testament as someone who livesin a city of eight of eight
million people.
Oh, there's a lot of lonelypeople in New York City, you
know, and we're stacked alltogether up in these buildings
(32:08):
and packed in these subways,right?
And so I think loneliness isdefinitely a mindset.
And I think it's a mindset thatneeds to be tended to because it
will drive us to think inscarcity and oftentimes leads to
self-sabotage, right?
Like settling for something thatyou know isn't really good for
(32:28):
you just to feel a warm body orjust to feel like you're not in
that kind of lonely place.
So there's that.
I think the second thing aboutloneliness is that it is also
something that needs to beself-soothed, right?
Loneliness, like most emotionsand feelings that we have, are
(32:50):
information.
They're information for us tounderstand what it is that we
feel like we're missing.
And I think because especiallywomen, we're wired to think that
the answer to these things aremen.
I think that that's what leadsus down that path of
self-sabotage.
When in reality, when you thinkabout loneliness as, okay, well,
(33:10):
I just I want someone to witnessmy life, I want someone to hug,
I want someone to play with.
Why does that have to be aromantic connection, right?
Because I think anyone that'sbeen in an unhealthy
relationship knows that being inthe wrong relationship is worse
for you than any kind ofsinglehood journey that you're
on.
That being single ever wouldever harm you.
(33:32):
And I think that we need to beable to understand ourselves
enough to know exactly what itis that we're looking for,
right?
Because it might not just bewanting a sexual connection.
It may not just be I want to bemarried, right?
Loneliness can also be I don'thave a friend to talk to, or I
don't have someone to becompletely myself around because
(33:55):
the friends that I have make mefeel like I need to perform to
keep up with them.
Right.
Right.
A man's not gonna solve thatproblem, right?
A man's not gonna necessarilysolve the problem of thinking
that you're not good enough,right?
And so really being able toaddress those things in the work
so that when you do meetsomebody that you're interested
in, you're on equal footing,right?
(34:15):
Like you're making eye contact,you're not just hoping that they
like you back, you know?
You're showing up with theconfidence of like, yeah, I know
I'm dope.
Oh, you want to hang out?
Okay, I can hang out with you,you're fun.
SPEAKER_01 (34:27):
Yeah, those are some serious things to consider.
And I do see here that on yourwebsite, you have a little
package for someone.
It's a free guide to combatingloneliness.
SPEAKER_02 (34:42):
Yeah.
So people can go to hersoulsupply.com and I have a
little freebies section.
And so I have a few guides thatdive a little deeper into some
of these concepts and thesethings that tend to often impact
single women and and singlewomen of color as well.
So combating loneliness is a bigone.
How to rebuild trust and andbuild new connections with
(35:05):
people, right?
Like basically, like how to howdo you build intimacy with
people in general, right?
In a world where you becomereally skeptical of people,
right?
Because you've been harmed or oryou feel like you you haven't
been good enough.
I also have a new guide on therecalled How to Have a Happy and
Healthy Host Season becauseanother part of my identity.
SPEAKER_01 (35:25):
I like that.
I like that.
Oh my gosh.
Can we have you back to talkabout that?
Let's do that.
I like that.
I think there's a lot ofnegative misconceptions with
that.
You know what I mean?
And and like sometimes you justneed that, right?
And like it should be okay tohave those experiences.
And with that being said, I'mCarleen and this is Diva tonight
(35:51):
with Fanny Tristan in Brooklyn,New York.
I always think of that song, NewYork, you know.
Um, I want to thank you forbeing so humble and for being so
honest about your own personalexperiences because I think in
today's day and age, we alwaysneed just someone to give a
(36:12):
different perspective on thiswhole experience of being a
woman, being single, or beingmarried, or you know, just
trying to figure out this thingcalled life, right?
SPEAKER_02 (36:25):
Yeah.
I mean, thank you so much forhaving me, Carleen, and and just
sharing your story.
And, you know, just I would loveto come back and talk about our
happy and healthy host seasons.
SPEAKER_01 (36:38):
That's so good.
Thank you.
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