April 29, 2025 • 29 mins
Are you or someone you know navigating the complex landscape of divorce? In this episode, host, Cary Jacobson, attorney and mediator with Jacobson Family Law and guest, Beverly Price, delve into the critical elements of empowerment, resilience, and self-discovery in the face of marital dissolution. With expert insights from Beverly Price, a renowned divorce and empowerment coach, they explore the often-overlooked emotional and practical challenges women encounter when going through a divorce. Beverly’s work focuses on helping women reclaim their self-worth and independence during this difficult transition while also raising awareness about the various forms of domestic abuse that may exist in relationships.
Visit jacobsonfamilylaw.com to learn more.
Visit jacobsonworkshop.com to learn more.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
And actually what I found is it's the women that are
(00:04):
successful in businessasculatethem, only to find out that this
person has done terrible thingswith their funds.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Welcome to Divorce Diaries, where attorney Keri
Jacobson brings you real stories, hard truths and practical
advice on navigating divorce andfamily law.
Whether you're going through it, considering it or just curious
, this is your place for clarity, confidence and resilience
(00:57):
welcome back to divorce diarieslessons from the trenches.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
I'm your host, carrie jacobson, and today we have an
incredible guest joining usBeverly Price.
Beverly is a nationallyrecognized divorce and
empowerment coach whospecializes in helping women
navigate the emotional and thepractical challenges of divorce.
As the founder of Her EmpoweredDivorce, beverly empowered
countless women to reclaim theirstrength, self-worth and
(01:24):
independence during one oflife's most challenging
transitions.
Beyond her commitment toindividual empowerment and
divorce, beverly is also drivenby the profound mission to
transform the landscape ofdomestic violence and domestic
abuse.
She is the visionary behind theDivorce Coalition, which is a
coalition leading podcast host,divorce experts and domestic
(01:48):
violence advocates united toilluminate the path of
understanding, healing andresilience.
By educating professionalswithin the realms of family law,
family and criminal court andthe legislative community,
beverly aims to reduce there-traumatization of abuse
survivors in divorce.
We are thrilled to have you onthe show today, beverly.
(02:08):
Thank you so much for joiningus.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
Thank you so much for caring.
You know I'm one of yourbiggest fans.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Well, I appreciate it .
I know it's been a while sincewe've had it, but I would love
for you to share with ourlisteners a little bit about
your background and whatinspired you to focus on helping
women and empowering themthrough the divorce process
absolutely well.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
I've been a divorce coach for 30 years, before there
is even such a thing.
I started out helping women intransition, and divorce became a
major part of that, and becauseI had been divorced more than
once, I felt this connection tothese women and I wanted to
(02:59):
share with them what I hadlearned in my journey to come
out the other side to have afulfilling life.
I also am a domestic abusesurvivor myself, so I have a
passion to help women goingthrough domestic abuse,
particularly those that aregoing through abuse and the
(03:22):
divorce process, because thatcan be re-traumatizing.
Speaker 3 (03:26):
Absolutely, and would you say that many of the
clients and the women that youwork with have had some
experience with domestic abuse?
Speaker 1 (03:36):
Absolutely.
Now I will preface that bysaying most people, or many
people, think of domestic abuseas being hit right, being
strangled, those kinds of things.
But there's so many more forms.
Most of the women that I seehave experienced mental,
emotional abuse where they havebecome so small and have lost
(04:03):
themselves so much that thedivorce process becomes
unbearable to them.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
Yeah, and I'm sure also overwhelming in a lot of
respects.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Yeah, and also I will also add in there there's quite
a bit with financial abuse.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
I was going to bring that up as well.
That's something that we oftensee with some of our clients,
where financial abuse isdefinitely a component and can
be very difficult because thewomen in that scenario may not
necessarily have access to thefinancial resources to proceed
(04:46):
through the divorce process.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Yeah, and actually what I found is it's the women
that are successful in businessmaybe have advanced degrees,
high up positions that are themost harmed by financial abuse,
because in many cases, what theywill have done is turn over all
(05:08):
their finances to the spouse,thinking that that will help,
not emasculate them, only tofind out that this person has
done terrible things with theirfunds.
Speaker 3 (05:22):
Right yeah.
So how do you work with womenin that scenario if they have
limited access to funds to helpthem through the financial or
the divorce process?
Speaker 1 (05:35):
Absolutely Well.
First we start picking theirbrain, finding out where things
are where they might.
Finding out where things arewhere they might when their
spouse is gone, can they accessand find information?
Can they get documents from theIRS or documents from an
(06:13):
investment person?
Along with that is very, verystrong effort on their emotional
growth and how they feel aboutthemselves.
The lack of confidence, becausein many cases they're also very
frazzled.
They are not believing inthemselves, those kinds of
things, so it also can make themparalyzed.
Speaker 3 (06:29):
Right, and so you help them kind of take one step
at a time through that processAbsolutely.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
We may have to do some work before then.
The other thing that's verycritical if a client is involved
in any domestic abuse is ifthey make, and when they make,
the decision to leave.
It is critical that they have asafety plan, and they have a
safety plan that they've workedon with an expert.
(06:57):
And here's the sad statisticOver 70% of women who leave an
abuser are murdered.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
That is shocking and so that you absolutely have to
be safe Absolutely, and it doestake, you know, working with an
expert to create that safetyplan so that they can, you know,
protect themselves as well astheir kids.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Yeah, they can talk to their local shelter.
They can call the domesticviolence hotline, those types of
things that can help them withthat expertise Great.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
What role does self-empowerment play in the
healing journey, both during thedivorce process as well as
after the divorce, and how canwomen you know begin to
rediscover their sense ofself-worth?
Speaker 1 (07:53):
Absolutely.
It's absolutely critical,because most people that come to
me are not empowered, arefeeling small, lack confidence,
don't believe in themselves, andthey also may have been put
down over the years throughemotional abuse, so that they're
(08:17):
not starting at ground zero,they're starting at minus 10.
And so you have to do work withthem to help them rise up, to
help them see what is inside ofthemselves and to also help them
heal and see that someone'sdoing it to them and it's not
(08:41):
necessarily their fault.
Speaker 3 (08:43):
Great Now for our listeners who are not as
familiar with divorce coaches.
Can you briefly explain alittle bit about how what you do
as a coach is different thanwhat they may experience with a
therapist?
Speaker 1 (08:59):
Absolutely Well.
A very simple distinction is atherapist focuses backward in
time in their life.
A divorce coach focuses forward.
So if someone has historicaltrauma, whether it be from
childhood or an event later inlife, that work needs to be done
(09:24):
to help them be able to beempowered and to grow and to
handle divorce.
It's very important, forexample, in negotiation in a
divorce.
It's very important when firstinterviewing an attorney.
It is very important if they dogo to court to move through
(09:49):
that court process successfully.
So there's so many aspects thatthat strength can help them if
they grow.
If they don't, in many caseswhat you see is people that
throw their hands up and say youcan have everything, or accept
a really low ball offer that isgoing to be very troublesome for
(10:12):
the rest of their life them forthe rest of their life.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
Yeah, we see that, unfortunately, sometimes where
you know the process of thenegotiations or the mediation is
just so overwhelming thatthey're willing to put their
potential financial future atrisk and just give up, you know,
just to get out of thesituation.
(10:37):
And you know, I know, that thatis up to every person to make
that decision and there are sometimes where that can be
appropriate and necessary.
But we want to make sure thatthose individuals are really
feel like they can stand up forthemselves and ask for what they
need individuals are reallyfeel like they can stand up for
(11:00):
themselves and ask for what theyneed.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Yeah, and part of that is showing them the
tangible effect, right, whatwill their financial life look
like from that point on?
How is a, what does a budgetlook like if they give all that
up?
Can they survive without beingmarried and particularly if they
have children, how will theysupport their children in that?
But I see that as well, justhoping to get it out.
(11:28):
Or if the divorce has gone onso long and they're tired and
worn out, that's another timeyou see that happening and
that's where a divorce coach isso critical.
Many people think that a divorcecoach is a nice to have.
I can't tell you.
I've probably met hundreds ofwomen that said, I wish I had
(11:51):
known you before my divorce andI think you have to understand
that a coach can help you.
I liken it.
I liken it to think of anoperating room.
You think of the surgeon who isthe attorney, possibly the
(12:15):
anesthesiologist, which is thecoach and the financial
perspective can be the operatingroom nurse, and it doesn't mean
that those are at differentlevels, but it means that is
absolutely the best combinationyou can have for a successful
divorce.
The other thing that yeah, theother thing a divorce coach does
(12:39):
is, while an attorney focuseson the slice that's the legal
and the financial focuses on theslice that's financial, a coach
takes you through frombeginning to end.
Speaker 3 (12:53):
Right and a coach.
In many scenarios I thinkpeople are worried about the
extra added cost, but I've foundthat in many scenarios a coach
actually reduces cost becauseyou know you're saving some of
the higher billing time rightwith a coach versus handling it
(13:17):
with your attorney or afinancial professional.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
Yeah, what is one of the most common mistakes you see
women make who are goingthrough divorce process, and how
can our listeners avoid that?
Speaker 1 (13:35):
Wow, there's's several.
One is what we just talkedabout throwing up your hands and
(13:59):
giving in the second.
The second is that thatconsumes their thought process
and they can't think clearly,and another is not listening to
the experts and not having awell-rounded divorce team to
help them.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
I would agree with all of the above.
What are some steps that youadvise?
You know the clients thatyou're working with to better
prepare before the divorceprocess and during the divorce
process process and during thedivorce process.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
There are a lot of things and that's what I coach
women on.
First, we talked about earlier,is gathering documents.
Some of those may be easy tofind, some of them may not.
The second is protectingthemselves technologically
(15:02):
themselves technologicallyprotecting emails, computers,
shared access with computers,that kind of thing.
I always encourage a woman toset up a separate email address
that no one knows and even, incertain cases, go to the library
and use a computer rather thanusing your one at home if the
spouse is still in the house.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
That's a good point, Absolutely Having that security
of the extra email where all ofthe divorce related information
goes right so she can talkfreely with whomever is on her
team, but also that added layerof accessing that email outside
(15:41):
the home.
Absolutely Whether it's alibrary or wherever that might
be.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (15:49):
I'm sure that communication with a soon-to-be
ex-spouse in some situations,especially where there is that
abuse you know within therelationship, is going to be
fraught with tension.
Are there any tips that yougive your clients in having more
constructive conversations?
Speaker 1 (16:10):
Well, the first part is are they afraid of their
spouse?
What's the degree of anger Kindof assessing their current
emotional state If they'reoverwhelmed emotionally?
There are different exercises.
I believe that you want toteach a client, in terms of
(16:34):
communication, that we want tocommunicate for results, not to
communicate what we want to.
Many clients and I'm sureyou've seen it come in and write
a 10 page dissertation abouthow the ex did her wrong.
That's not going to matter toan attorney, to a judge, et
(16:55):
cetera.
So what we need to look at isfocusing on only facts and
focusing on documentation, andso when we do that, that's
important.
The other technique I use issome exercises to separate
emotionally the woman from theex so that when you're talking
(17:21):
to them you're not feeling thatfear.
Others involve, let's say, inmediation, doing separate Zoom
rooms I'm sure you're familiarwith that and do communication
only through attorneys, all ofthose types of things.
But I think looking at theemotional state and working on
(17:44):
that is critical.
I tell many clients to envisiona box with a lid and a lock on
it and as they're moving into aroom to negotiate, they open
that box and they put all oftheir emotions in it.
They close it and lock it.
They go into the room and treatit like a business event If
(18:09):
they want to.
When they come out, they cantake their emotions out can take
their emotions out.
Speaker 3 (18:16):
That's a good visualization for people, yeah,
so that they can think about it.
In that respect, and I do agreethat you know every situation
is different as to whether ornot the communication directly
is going to be effective.
And you know we always say themore direct communication in
(18:41):
that is safe and that is healthy, the faster you can typically
get to a resolution.
Absolutely the faster you cantypically get to a resolution.
Absolutely, but there arescenarios where that's not going
to be effective and it's goingto make things more complicated,
and so the third party, whetherit's a mediator or using
attorneys, can be a betterresult in bridging that
(19:04):
communication gap.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
Yeah, a couple of things on that, particularly if
there's co-parenting involved isthere are apps that you can use
to communicate that are alsodocumented if you need it.
That's important.
Another thing is not feelinglike you have to respond
(19:26):
instantly to text messages.
Leave your phone, take a fewminutes and then respond.
That does a lot, becausesometimes the text message you
know sends you over the edgeright and it puts your emotions
in a heightened state 100%.
Speaker 3 (19:46):
It's setting boundaries both with yourself
and with the other.
Yeah, some of the apps that youknow we recommend to clients
probably one of the morewell-known ones is Our Family
Wizard yeah, there's Co-Parently, I believe and then you know
(20:07):
there's various ones dependingon what the needs are.
Some have more you knowfeatures than others, and so you
kind of have to play around tosee which ones would fit your
situation the best.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
Yeah, one I just learned about is called Best
Interesting Co-Parenting.
Oh, that's a new one.
Speaker 3 (20:29):
I'm not familiar with that one.
So what are some of the mostsurprising and counterintuitive
lessons you've learned from yourwork with women going through
divorce?
Speaker 1 (20:43):
That's a tough question and a good question and
(21:13):
a good question, I think, thatpeople that think that their
spouse will negotiate calmly andin both people's favor is one,
because you know, if you thinkabout it, divorce is a traumatic
experience and you hear a lotof people say, well, my
husband's a narcissist.
Well, divorce can bring outsome of the behaviors of
narcissism, while they may notbe a narcissistic person, and
some of those behaviors, such asthe spouse getting real sweet
(21:39):
to you and talking nice to youand saying, oh, we can negotiate
ourselves, we don't need anattorney, we don't need a
mediator, we don't need anattorney, we don't need a
(22:08):
mediator, and that's a.
Speaker 3 (22:09):
many people want to save cost and do things
themselves.
You know, the cautionary taleis you don't know what you don't
know.
And if you've not conversationwith an attorney or someone else
.
You don't know.
What you may be giving upDoesn't mean that you wouldn't
otherwise give that up, even ifyou knew.
(22:30):
But you have to have theinformation first in order to
make that informed decision.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
Absolutely.
I think that's so importantbecause if something's hidden,
you might not know about it.
Particularly side businesses,business tax situations, those
kinds of things can be tricky,right.
Speaker 3 (22:54):
And so at least having an attorney that you can
talk to or review the agreementbefore you sign it, because once
you sign it, you may not beable to undo some of those
scenarios.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
Yeah, you are done.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
Right.
Tell us about some of theresources and programs you offer
through Her Empowered Divorce,and how can our listeners access
that support?
Speaker 1 (23:21):
Sure, Well, I offer two things.
I offer a assessment that's abrief let's talk about if your
situation can be helped bycoaching or a consultation.
That's 90 minutes long, wherewe dig in a lot more to their
costs.
I work with them on majorcategories preparation,
(23:46):
education, emotional work,negotiation and communication.
So I'm more than your typicaldivorce coach that is just
working on the emotions of thesituation, because I believe
every part of those is critical.
The other thing that I twothings I concentrate on when we
(24:08):
we mentioned communication forresults, that's, that's a biggie
.
And then I work a lot withpreparation and a lot of people
think they can just rush into itand there's a lot of work that
has to be done in that regard.
Speaker 3 (24:29):
Yes, I think the more prepared people are, the more
smoothly the negotiations, themediations will go, and even if
those people end up having tounfortunately go through
litigation, the more preparedyou are, the better outcome
there typically is.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
Absolutely, absolutely.
They need a lawyer like you,carrie.
Thank you, even though we donot do litigation.
Speaker 3 (24:50):
Absolutely, absolutely.
They need a lawyer like you.
Carrie, thank you, even thoughwe do not do litigation, so I
know you have a podcast.
Can you share with ourlisteners what they can expect
with your podcast and?
Speaker 1 (25:03):
how they can tune in.
It's called Her EmpoweredDivorce and I bring together
people that touch on all thevarious areas of divorce, of
preparing for divorce and ofdealing with divorce, so it
could be, for example, a lendingprofessional, it could be a
(25:24):
divorce financial analyst,attorneys, mediators financial
analysts, attorneys, mediators,therapists that touch every one
of the major areas involved indivorce to help educate women.
Speaker 3 (25:39):
Wonderful If you could offer one piece of advice
to women who are currently goingthrough divorce.
What would that be?
Speaker 1 (25:47):
Oh wow.
Don't rush into it withoutextensive preparation.
Don't tell your spouse you wanta divorce without planning to
(26:09):
work with a divorce coach.
I believe the conversation withthe spouse is the most
important conversation in theentire divorce, because the tone
, the setting, all of thosethings are critical and if it's
not done right, it sets the toneand can create a lot of
(26:29):
hostility.
Speaker 3 (26:31):
A hundred percent agree with that.
Well, Beverly, thank you somuch for being here.
How can our listeners connectwith you and learn more about
your work?
Speaker 1 (26:40):
Absolutely.
They can go to her empowereddivorcecom.
That's my website.
They can find everything outabout me, about my services and
about how I help women.
If the Divorce Coalition reallyfocuses on working with divorce
(27:01):
professionals to change thedivorce process to help abuse
victims, it doesn't serve theindividual survivor, it's
serving the divorce professionalto help change that.
Because we found that mostpeople think that divorce with
abuse re-traumatizes the victimRight and that's
(27:25):
divorcecoalitioncom.
Speaker 3 (27:28):
Yes, for any of our divorce professionals who may be
listening.
Beverly, thank you so much forsharing your wisdom and your
insights today.
Your work is truly making adifference in the lives of so
many women and we're gratefulfor the opportunity to learn
from you.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
For our listeners.
Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
Yes, for our listeners.
Please be sure to check outBeverly's website and her
podcast for more valuableresources and stay tuned for our
next episode of Divorce DiariesLessons from the Trenches where
we will continue to explore howto navigate the divorce process
with grace and confidence.
Thanks so much for listening.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (28:04):
Thanks.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
Thanks for joining us today on this episode of
divorce diaries.
Remember every journey isunique, but you don't have to
navigate it alone.
Visit jacobsonfamilylawcom orcall 443-726-4912 for support
and guidance.
And actually what I found is it's the women that are
(00:04):
successful in businessasculatethem, only to find out that this
person has done terrible thingswith their funds.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Welcome to Divorce Diaries, where attorney Keri
Jacobson brings you real stories, hard truths and practical
advice on navigating divorce andfamily law.
Whether you're going through it, considering it or just curious
, this is your place for clarity, confidence and resilience
(00:57):
welcome back to divorce diarieslessons from the trenches.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
I'm your host, carrie jacobson, and today we have an
incredible guest joining usBeverly Price.
Beverly is a nationallyrecognized divorce and
empowerment coach whospecializes in helping women
navigate the emotional and thepractical challenges of divorce.
As the founder of Her EmpoweredDivorce, beverly empowered
countless women to reclaim theirstrength, self-worth and
(01:24):
independence during one oflife's most challenging
transitions.
Beyond her commitment toindividual empowerment and
divorce, beverly is also drivenby the profound mission to
transform the landscape ofdomestic violence and domestic
abuse.
She is the visionary behind theDivorce Coalition, which is a
coalition leading podcast host,divorce experts and domestic
(01:48):
violence advocates united toilluminate the path of
understanding, healing andresilience.
By educating professionalswithin the realms of family law,
family and criminal court andthe legislative community,
beverly aims to reduce there-traumatization of abuse
survivors in divorce.
We are thrilled to have you onthe show today, beverly.
(02:08):
Thank you so much for joiningus.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
Thank you so much for caring.
You know I'm one of yourbiggest fans.
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Well, I appreciate it .
I know it's been a while sincewe've had it, but I would love
for you to share with ourlisteners a little bit about
your background and whatinspired you to focus on helping
women and empowering themthrough the divorce process
absolutely well.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
I've been a divorce coach for 30 years, before there
is even such a thing.
I started out helping women intransition, and divorce became a
major part of that, and becauseI had been divorced more than
once, I felt this connection tothese women and I wanted to
(02:59):
share with them what I hadlearned in my journey to come
out the other side to have afulfilling life.
I also am a domestic abusesurvivor myself, so I have a
passion to help women goingthrough domestic abuse,
particularly those that aregoing through abuse and the
(03:22):
divorce process, because thatcan be re-traumatizing.
Speaker 3 (03:26):
Absolutely, and would you say that many of the
clients and the women that youwork with have had some
experience with domestic abuse?
Speaker 1 (03:36):
Absolutely.
Now I will preface that bysaying most people, or many
people, think of domestic abuseas being hit right, being
strangled, those kinds of things.
But there's so many more forms.
Most of the women that I seehave experienced mental,
emotional abuse where they havebecome so small and have lost
(04:03):
themselves so much that thedivorce process becomes
unbearable to them.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
Yeah, and I'm sure also overwhelming in a lot of
respects.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Yeah, and also I will also add in there there's quite
a bit with financial abuse.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
I was going to bring that up as well.
That's something that we oftensee with some of our clients,
where financial abuse isdefinitely a component and can
be very difficult because thewomen in that scenario may not
necessarily have access to thefinancial resources to proceed
(04:46):
through the divorce process.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Yeah, and actually what I found is it's the women
that are successful in businessmaybe have advanced degrees,
high up positions that are themost harmed by financial abuse,
because in many cases, what theywill have done is turn over all
(05:08):
their finances to the spouse,thinking that that will help,
not emasculate them, only tofind out that this person has
done terrible things with theirfunds.
Speaker 3 (05:22):
Right yeah.
So how do you work with womenin that scenario if they have
limited access to funds to helpthem through the financial or
the divorce process?
Speaker 1 (05:35):
Absolutely Well.
First we start picking theirbrain, finding out where things
are where they might.
Finding out where things arewhere they might when their
spouse is gone, can they accessand find information?
Can they get documents from theIRS or documents from an
(06:13):
investment person?
Along with that is very, verystrong effort on their emotional
growth and how they feel aboutthemselves.
The lack of confidence, becausein many cases they're also very
frazzled.
They are not believing inthemselves, those kinds of
things, so it also can make themparalyzed.
Speaker 3 (06:29):
Right, and so you help them kind of take one step
at a time through that processAbsolutely.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
We may have to do some work before then.
The other thing that's verycritical if a client is involved
in any domestic abuse is ifthey make, and when they make,
the decision to leave.
It is critical that they have asafety plan, and they have a
safety plan that they've workedon with an expert.
(06:57):
And here's the sad statisticOver 70% of women who leave an
abuser are murdered.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
That is shocking and so that you absolutely have to
be safe Absolutely, and it doestake, you know, working with an
expert to create that safetyplan so that they can, you know,
protect themselves as well astheir kids.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Yeah, they can talk to their local shelter.
They can call the domesticviolence hotline, those types of
things that can help them withthat expertise Great.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
What role does self-empowerment play in the
healing journey, both during thedivorce process as well as
after the divorce, and how canwomen you know begin to
rediscover their sense ofself-worth?
Speaker 1 (07:53):
Absolutely.
It's absolutely critical,because most people that come to
me are not empowered, arefeeling small, lack confidence,
don't believe in themselves, andthey also may have been put
down over the years throughemotional abuse, so that they're
(08:17):
not starting at ground zero,they're starting at minus 10.
And so you have to do work withthem to help them rise up, to
help them see what is inside ofthemselves and to also help them
heal and see that someone'sdoing it to them and it's not
(08:41):
necessarily their fault.
Speaker 3 (08:43):
Great Now for our listeners who are not as
familiar with divorce coaches.
Can you briefly explain alittle bit about how what you do
as a coach is different thanwhat they may experience with a
therapist?
Speaker 1 (08:59):
Absolutely Well.
A very simple distinction is atherapist focuses backward in
time in their life.
A divorce coach focuses forward.
So if someone has historicaltrauma, whether it be from
childhood or an event later inlife, that work needs to be done
(09:24):
to help them be able to beempowered and to grow and to
handle divorce.
It's very important, forexample, in negotiation in a
divorce.
It's very important when firstinterviewing an attorney.
It is very important if they dogo to court to move through
(09:49):
that court process successfully.
So there's so many aspects thatthat strength can help them if
they grow.
If they don't, in many caseswhat you see is people that
throw their hands up and say youcan have everything, or accept
a really low ball offer that isgoing to be very troublesome for
(10:12):
the rest of their life them forthe rest of their life.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
Yeah, we see that, unfortunately, sometimes where
you know the process of thenegotiations or the mediation is
just so overwhelming thatthey're willing to put their
potential financial future atrisk and just give up, you know,
just to get out of thesituation.
(10:37):
And you know, I know, that thatis up to every person to make
that decision and there are sometimes where that can be
appropriate and necessary.
But we want to make sure thatthose individuals are really
feel like they can stand up forthemselves and ask for what they
need individuals are reallyfeel like they can stand up for
(11:00):
themselves and ask for what theyneed.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Yeah, and part of that is showing them the
tangible effect, right, whatwill their financial life look
like from that point on?
How is a, what does a budgetlook like if they give all that
up?
Can they survive without beingmarried and particularly if they
have children, how will theysupport their children in that?
But I see that as well, justhoping to get it out.
(11:28):
Or if the divorce has gone onso long and they're tired and
worn out, that's another timeyou see that happening and
that's where a divorce coach isso critical.
Many people think that a divorcecoach is a nice to have.
I can't tell you.
I've probably met hundreds ofwomen that said, I wish I had
(11:51):
known you before my divorce andI think you have to understand
that a coach can help you.
I liken it.
I liken it to think of anoperating room.
You think of the surgeon who isthe attorney, possibly the
(12:15):
anesthesiologist, which is thecoach and the financial
perspective can be the operatingroom nurse, and it doesn't mean
that those are at differentlevels, but it means that is
absolutely the best combinationyou can have for a successful
divorce.
The other thing that yeah, theother thing a divorce coach does
(12:39):
is, while an attorney focuseson the slice that's the legal
and the financial focuses on theslice that's financial, a coach
takes you through frombeginning to end.
Speaker 3 (12:53):
Right and a coach.
In many scenarios I thinkpeople are worried about the
extra added cost, but I've foundthat in many scenarios a coach
actually reduces cost becauseyou know you're saving some of
the higher billing time rightwith a coach versus handling it
(13:17):
with your attorney or afinancial professional.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
Yeah, what is one of the most common mistakes you see
women make who are goingthrough divorce process, and how
can our listeners avoid that?
Speaker 1 (13:35):
Wow, there's's several.
One is what we just talkedabout throwing up your hands and
(13:59):
giving in the second.
The second is that thatconsumes their thought process
and they can't think clearly,and another is not listening to
the experts and not having awell-rounded divorce team to
help them.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
I would agree with all of the above.
What are some steps that youadvise?
You know the clients thatyou're working with to better
prepare before the divorceprocess and during the divorce
process process and during thedivorce process.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
There are a lot of things and that's what I coach
women on.
First, we talked about earlier,is gathering documents.
Some of those may be easy tofind, some of them may not.
The second is protectingthemselves technologically
(15:02):
themselves technologicallyprotecting emails, computers,
shared access with computers,that kind of thing.
I always encourage a woman toset up a separate email address
that no one knows and even, incertain cases, go to the library
and use a computer rather thanusing your one at home if the
spouse is still in the house.
Speaker 3 (15:21):
That's a good point, Absolutely Having that security
of the extra email where all ofthe divorce related information
goes right so she can talkfreely with whomever is on her
team, but also that added layerof accessing that email outside
(15:41):
the home.
Absolutely Whether it's alibrary or wherever that might
be.
Speaker 1 (15:46):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (15:49):
I'm sure that communication with a soon-to-be
ex-spouse in some situations,especially where there is that
abuse you know within therelationship, is going to be
fraught with tension.
Are there any tips that yougive your clients in having more
constructive conversations?
Speaker 1 (16:10):
Well, the first part is are they afraid of their
spouse?
What's the degree of anger Kindof assessing their current
emotional state If they'reoverwhelmed emotionally?
There are different exercises.
I believe that you want toteach a client, in terms of
(16:34):
communication, that we want tocommunicate for results, not to
communicate what we want to.
Many clients and I'm sureyou've seen it come in and write
a 10 page dissertation abouthow the ex did her wrong.
That's not going to matter toan attorney, to a judge, et
(16:55):
cetera.
So what we need to look at isfocusing on only facts and
focusing on documentation, andso when we do that, that's
important.
The other technique I use issome exercises to separate
emotionally the woman from theex so that when you're talking
(17:21):
to them you're not feeling thatfear.
Others involve, let's say, inmediation, doing separate Zoom
rooms I'm sure you're familiarwith that and do communication
only through attorneys, all ofthose types of things.
But I think looking at theemotional state and working on
(17:44):
that is critical.
I tell many clients to envisiona box with a lid and a lock on
it and as they're moving into aroom to negotiate, they open
that box and they put all oftheir emotions in it.
They close it and lock it.
They go into the room and treatit like a business event If
(18:09):
they want to.
When they come out, they cantake their emotions out can take
their emotions out.
Speaker 3 (18:16):
That's a good visualization for people, yeah,
so that they can think about it.
In that respect, and I do agreethat you know every situation
is different as to whether ornot the communication directly
is going to be effective.
And you know we always say themore direct communication in
(18:41):
that is safe and that is healthy, the faster you can typically
get to a resolution.
Absolutely the faster you cantypically get to a resolution.
Absolutely, but there arescenarios where that's not going
to be effective and it's goingto make things more complicated,
and so the third party, whetherit's a mediator or using
attorneys, can be a betterresult in bridging that
(19:04):
communication gap.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
Yeah, a couple of things on that, particularly if
there's co-parenting involved isthere are apps that you can use
to communicate that are alsodocumented if you need it.
That's important.
Another thing is not feelinglike you have to respond
(19:26):
instantly to text messages.
Leave your phone, take a fewminutes and then respond.
That does a lot, becausesometimes the text message you
know sends you over the edgeright and it puts your emotions
in a heightened state 100%.
Speaker 3 (19:46):
It's setting boundaries both with yourself
and with the other.
Yeah, some of the apps that youknow we recommend to clients
probably one of the morewell-known ones is Our Family
Wizard yeah, there's Co-Parently, I believe and then you know
(20:07):
there's various ones dependingon what the needs are.
Some have more you knowfeatures than others, and so you
kind of have to play around tosee which ones would fit your
situation the best.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
Yeah, one I just learned about is called Best
Interesting Co-Parenting.
Oh, that's a new one.
Speaker 3 (20:29):
I'm not familiar with that one.
So what are some of the mostsurprising and counterintuitive
lessons you've learned from yourwork with women going through
divorce?
Speaker 1 (20:43):
That's a tough question and a good question and
(21:13):
a good question, I think, thatpeople that think that their
spouse will negotiate calmly andin both people's favor is one,
because you know, if you thinkabout it, divorce is a traumatic
experience and you hear a lotof people say, well, my
husband's a narcissist.
Well, divorce can bring outsome of the behaviors of
narcissism, while they may notbe a narcissistic person, and
some of those behaviors, such asthe spouse getting real sweet
(21:39):
to you and talking nice to youand saying, oh, we can negotiate
ourselves, we don't need anattorney, we don't need a
mediator, we don't need anattorney, we don't need a
(22:08):
mediator, and that's a.
Speaker 3 (22:09):
many people want to save cost and do things
themselves.
You know, the cautionary taleis you don't know what you don't
know.
And if you've not conversationwith an attorney or someone else
.
You don't know.
What you may be giving upDoesn't mean that you wouldn't
otherwise give that up, even ifyou knew.
(22:30):
But you have to have theinformation first in order to
make that informed decision.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
Absolutely.
I think that's so importantbecause if something's hidden,
you might not know about it.
Particularly side businesses,business tax situations, those
kinds of things can be tricky,right.
Speaker 3 (22:54):
And so at least having an attorney that you can
talk to or review the agreementbefore you sign it, because once
you sign it, you may not beable to undo some of those
scenarios.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
Yeah, you are done.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
Right.
Tell us about some of theresources and programs you offer
through Her Empowered Divorce,and how can our listeners access
that support?
Speaker 1 (23:21):
Sure, Well, I offer two things.
I offer a assessment that's abrief let's talk about if your
situation can be helped bycoaching or a consultation.
That's 90 minutes long, wherewe dig in a lot more to their
costs.
I work with them on majorcategories preparation,
(23:46):
education, emotional work,negotiation and communication.
So I'm more than your typicaldivorce coach that is just
working on the emotions of thesituation, because I believe
every part of those is critical.
The other thing that I twothings I concentrate on when we
(24:08):
we mentioned communication forresults, that's, that's a biggie
.
And then I work a lot withpreparation and a lot of people
think they can just rush into itand there's a lot of work that
has to be done in that regard.
Speaker 3 (24:29):
Yes, I think the more prepared people are, the more
smoothly the negotiations, themediations will go, and even if
those people end up having tounfortunately go through
litigation, the more preparedyou are, the better outcome
there typically is.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
Absolutely, absolutely.
They need a lawyer like you,carrie.
Thank you, even though we donot do litigation.
Speaker 3 (24:50):
Absolutely, absolutely.
They need a lawyer like you.
Carrie, thank you, even thoughwe do not do litigation, so I
know you have a podcast.
Can you share with ourlisteners what they can expect
with your podcast and?
Speaker 1 (25:03):
how they can tune in.
It's called Her EmpoweredDivorce and I bring together
people that touch on all thevarious areas of divorce, of
preparing for divorce and ofdealing with divorce, so it
could be, for example, a lendingprofessional, it could be a
(25:24):
divorce financial analyst,attorneys, mediators financial
analysts, attorneys, mediators,therapists that touch every one
of the major areas involved indivorce to help educate women.
Speaker 3 (25:39):
Wonderful If you could offer one piece of advice
to women who are currently goingthrough divorce.
What would that be?
Speaker 1 (25:47):
Oh wow.
Don't rush into it withoutextensive preparation.
Don't tell your spouse you wanta divorce without planning to
(26:09):
work with a divorce coach.
I believe the conversation withthe spouse is the most
important conversation in theentire divorce, because the tone
, the setting, all of thosethings are critical and if it's
not done right, it sets the toneand can create a lot of
(26:29):
hostility.
Speaker 3 (26:31):
A hundred percent agree with that.
Well, Beverly, thank you somuch for being here.
How can our listeners connectwith you and learn more about
your work?
Speaker 1 (26:40):
Absolutely.
They can go to her empowereddivorcecom.
That's my website.
They can find everything outabout me, about my services and
about how I help women.
If the Divorce Coalition reallyfocuses on working with divorce
(27:01):
professionals to change thedivorce process to help abuse
victims, it doesn't serve theindividual survivor, it's
serving the divorce professionalto help change that.
Because we found that mostpeople think that divorce with
abuse re-traumatizes the victimRight and that's
(27:25):
divorcecoalitioncom.
Speaker 3 (27:28):
Yes, for any of our divorce professionals who may be
listening.
Beverly, thank you so much forsharing your wisdom and your
insights today.
Your work is truly making adifference in the lives of so
many women and we're gratefulfor the opportunity to learn
from you.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
For our listeners.
Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
Yes, for our listeners.
Please be sure to check outBeverly's website and her
podcast for more valuableresources and stay tuned for our
next episode of Divorce DiariesLessons from the Trenches where
we will continue to explore howto navigate the divorce process
with grace and confidence.
Thanks so much for listening.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (28:04):
Thanks.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
Thanks for joining us today on this episode of
divorce diaries.
Remember every journey isunique, but you don't have to
navigate it alone.
Visit jacobsonfamilylawcom orcall 443-726-4912 for support
and guidance.
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