May 13, 2025 • 24 mins
In this episode, host Cary Jacobson, attorney and mediator for Jacobson Family Law, sits down with Eric Chilton, a Certified Divorce Coach, as he reveals how communication strategies and proper preparation can save divorcing couples significant money and emotional distress. Eric explains why immediate legal action isn't always the best first step and shares practical techniques for managing high-conflict situations.
Visit palmettodivorcecoacching.com to connect with Eric Chilton for personalized divorce coaching.
Visit jacobsonfamilylaw.com to learn more.
Visit jacobsonworkshop.com to learn more.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
So the biggest misconceptions.
I even make jokes about myoccupation, and Hollywood gets
it wrong.
Well, Hollywood gets divorceand family wrong as well.
What's the first step?
You call a shark lawyer and youstart firing off motions and
discoveries.
No, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Welcome to Divorce Diaries, where attorney Carrie
Jacobson brings you real stories, hard truths and practical
advice on navigating divorce andfamily law.
Whether you're going through it, considering it or just curious
, this is your place for clarity, confidence and resilience.
Speaker 3 (00:40):
Welcome back to Divorce Diaries Lessons from the
Trenches.
I'm your host, keri Jacobson,and today we have a great guest
joining us Eric Chilton.
Eric is the founder of PalmettoDivorce Coaching.
He is a certified divorce coachwho helps individuals navigate
the complexities of divorce withclarity, confidence and
future-focused mindset.
(01:01):
His approach emphasizesemotional intelligence,
communication strategies andpractical solutions for
achieving an amicable divorceeven when the other party is not
cooperative.
Eric, thanks so much forjoining us today.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Thank you, keri, glad to be here.
Speaker 3 (01:18):
Well, before we kind of get into some of the topics,
can you tell our listeners alittle bit about what inspired
you to become a divorce coach,as well as your personal journey
that led you to this work?
Speaker 1 (01:31):
Sure happy to so, being that you're in Maryland.
I spent a good part of mycareer in the DC area and folks
outside of DC rarely get this.
But I was with the agency thatknocks on your door and does
background investigations on allthe civil servants and you say,
well, what does that have to dowith family law and divorce and
(01:53):
whatnot?
Well, when you knock onsomebody's door, I start asking
questions.
The people are divorced andwhen you come from a procedural
(02:15):
standpoint, you're readingdivorce files, you're
interviewing both parties,you're trying to see whose story
matches up.
You get people that throw allsorts of mud at the other party
where he did this or she didthis, and I say, well, wait a
minute, I just read the publicrecord.
Why isn't that in there?
Could you share that with meand you parlay that into?
Then I became a leader withinthe government and all your
(02:38):
staff comes to you with theirproblems and you partner up with
the employee assistance programto help people work through it.
So that's what brought me here,and I'm 10 years post-divorce
myself and the therapist that Imet with when I just looked at
the employee benefit program ofwhat do you do when you get
divorced, I made the choice ofjust start calling lawyers and I
(03:03):
know now you don't have to dothat that there's much not to
take any away from attorneysbecause mine is great.
But there are many differentways to get divorced, and how
you start on day one really setsthe process for everybody.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
A hundred percent.
It definitely sets the tone.
You know, if you start outthrowing that mud, it's often
that that's going to continuethroughout that whole process,
versus if you start out with amore gentle approach.
And I'm sure you heard lots ofdifferent stories.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Yes, I say what's the weirdest thing you've ever
heard?
And I'm like you know, I'm notsure I can answer that because
that's such a subjective, butI'll tell you.
The thing that surprises me iswho tells me stuff or where the
information came from.
And, like whoa, I did notexpect you to say that I have a
lot of those stories, I'm sure.
(04:21):
What are some of the biggestlessons?
You, we were mindful of the factthat we can talk to each other
for free and come up withresolutions ourselves, but when
you start searching for divorcenow, you'll see terms and many
of them I commend you for usingon your platform collaborative
divorce and amicable divorce.
(04:42):
Those things didn't reallyexist a decade ago, and I happen
to live in the deep South,where it's not even possible to
have a joint attorney or a truecollaborative counsel, so you
have to figure out how to do iton your own.
So the biggest misconceptions Ieven make jokes about my
(05:03):
occupation and Hollywood gets itwrong.
Well, hollywood gets divorceand family wrong as well.
What's the first step?
You call a shark lawyer and youstart firing off motions and
discoveries.
No, no, no, no, no, even if youdon't want to be in the same
room as the other person.
I mean, we're getting divorcedand something along the way fell
(05:24):
apart.
Learning that how youcommunicate, how you negotiate
and how you offer proposals andcounter proposals offline for
free saves you tens of thousandsof dollars, not to mention the
emotional toil that comes alongwith it.
(05:45):
So, thinking outside the box,realizing that what you've seen
in drama is really the exception, Absolutely, and what you've
been told by family and friends,yes, I say that as well.
As much as I love my family andfriends and support system, this
is when I need you to tune themout a little bit.
(06:08):
I will triage all thatinformation for you.
But even the well-meaningpeople, I mean they're sharing a
story that happened to theirnext door neighbor's sister's
college roommate's cousin.
That has nothing to do with you.
Speaker 3 (06:23):
That's happened in a different state.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Yes, Right Galaxy long ago and Star Wars yeah.
Speaker 3 (06:30):
Right, and I do think that there is that absolute
misconception that the veryfirst thing you should do is
hire an attorney and file adivorce, and so often with the
people that we meet with, that'slike the approach that they are
looking to take and we're likelet's take this back a few steps
(06:51):
.
We try to negotiate it firstand then only if you can't come
to an agreement do we then file.
Or you do come to an agreementand then we're filing for the
uncontested divorce, or you docome to an agreement and then
we're filing for the uncontesteddivorce.
So it saves so much angst,because so many times what I see
(07:13):
is that people get that divorcefiling and their spouse's
attorney has said all thesehorrible things about them, you
know, for the purpose of theactual document, and then you're
having to overcome andnegotiate around what was said,
(07:33):
even though it wasn't reallynecessary.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Exactly, and I mean a civil court action for divorce
is, by its core definition,court action for divorce is, by
its core definition, adversarialin nature.
But it doesn't have to be thatway, and I use the cliche.
There's a difference betweendisagreeing and being
disagreeable.
And that's one of the veryfirst conversations and usually
(07:59):
the first question I ask anybodythat calls me is tell me the
exact state of affairs today inlevel of communication.
Do we dialogue about anything,or is this truly a burn bridge
and the only way we cancommunicate is by carrier pigeon
?
Speaker 3 (08:17):
Yeah, in your experience, what is a common
mistake that you've seen peoplemake during their divorce, and
how can our listeners preventthat from happening?
Speaker 1 (08:32):
right.
So you just used a term thatI'm a big fan of mediation.
Now I do not profess to knowthe policies and procedures of
all 50 states.
Everyone is different.
The state where I live,mediation is actually a
requirement unless you walk intothe courthouse and check one
(08:53):
box on one form that says thisis completely not disputed.
We just need a judge to signthis so that we can get divorced
and not fearing the vocabulary,taking the time to learn the
policies and procedures of yourstate because it's different in
(09:14):
the next state, in the nextstate, in the next state.
So you know again, usingplatforms like yours.
I just wish I could providethat to clients here, locally,
of here, is a much better waythan what you know.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
But to answer your question, educating yourself as
to the procedure where you live,yes, because it is drastically
different from one location tothe next, and sometimes even
within the same state.
Different counties can havedifferent quirks and things that
(09:49):
they are looking for and howthey approach.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
You know the cases as well, so and then the next big
topic after that is here's thesecond most common question.
I get Something phrased similarto can he do that?
Can she do that?
Does that matter?
And the answer normally is no.
It doesn't matter how you feelabout it.
(10:16):
Sure that matters.
How you react to that, ofcourse that matters.
But no, the court does not carethat you think your soon-to-be
ex-husband is a jerk.
There's no law against being ajerk.
Speaker 3 (10:29):
Yeah, we get that question as well, and oftentimes
it is not a great.
There may not be a legalramification but, sometimes it
can impact how negotiations willgo right.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (10:45):
So you know a very common one is well, does it
matter if I am dating someoneelse during the separation
period until you know anagreement is signed and legally
it doesn't make a hugedifference?
Speaker 1 (10:58):
At least now in Maryland we don't have adultery
as a fault ground any longer butit can impact how willing your
spouse is going to be innegotiating the terms of the
agreement so yes, if I show upto baseball practice and my new
girlfriend is sitting next to me, yes, everybody sees that,
(11:21):
everybody reacts to that.
Everybody reacts to that, andit's probably not in the most
warm and fuzzy way.
Speaker 3 (11:29):
Right.
So my advice typically is let'sget that agreement signed first
and then talk about introducinga new significant other to the
kids or your spouse.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (11:45):
What are some strategies that you recommend
for responding to tenseconversations often emails or
texts, maybe it's high conflictsituations to help your clients
bring down those tensions.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Right.
So this is something I love torole play with my clients of.
Let's just pretend Carrie sendsme a text message at 9.30 at
night.
It's very long and ramblingabout how I stink at life
because I didn't buy Susie theshoes that she needed and the
new lunchbox.
(12:26):
And why would I dare bring mySusie the shoes that she needed
and the new lunchbox?
And why would I dare bring mygirlfriend to the baseball?
I'm going to reply to you inbusiness hours.
I'm going to reply to you onlywith the material facts of.
You're absolutely right.
Sorry about the shoes.
We're going to go to the storethis afternoon.
I know you have an extralunchbox at the house.
(12:49):
Could you please use that?
Until I get a new one andyou'll see it's softball, I'll
be alone.
I responded in bullet form.
I took out the emotions and Ididn't fire back immediately and
especially for any type of highconflict situation, I do get a
lot of people that come to me.
You know, saying so-and-so is anarcissist.
I was like, well, hold on,We'll get to that in a minute.
(13:09):
But taking the emotion out ofit, that is, I like to say, is
my gift in life.
And responding in reasonabletimeframes and hours.
You do not get dragged into adialogue.
We've already established thatwe're breaking up and we don't
need to keep rehashing that asto why so, and so is a jerk.
(13:34):
Yes, setting those boundaries iswhat I hear you say yes, there
you go, boundaries, and pick andchoose your battles.
To use more cliches yes, okay.
Speaker 3 (13:48):
How can someone practice emotional intelligence
when they are dealing with that?
You know person who justdoesn't want to follow those
boundaries.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
So again, the terms you hear a lot high, conflict,
narcissistic.
I call it the emotionalselfishness that comes from
divorce.
A certain degree of paranoiacreeps into everybody, a certain
degree of animosity creeps in,but along to what I was saying
before of having a verycalculated response, thinking
(14:29):
about your response, playingthrough it with your coach or a
trusted advisor, of can you takethe feeling out of this and
just focus on the facts.
The same thing the court willdo to you if you go the route of
litigation, of not allowingyourself to be drawn into that
(14:51):
slippery slope of you knowyou're never going to see your
kids again, I'll never pay you adime.
All right, I heard you, butI've been doing lots of reading
and research and I'd like toaddress the following in
business form.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
Yeah, keep bringing it back to being more of a
business.
Like response.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
Exactly yeah.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
We know that you mentioned kind of collaborative
and mediation before.
Obviously, keeping and reachingan amicable resolution is often
best for everyone that'sinvolved.
But what if the other party isnot on board, not willing to
negotiate?
Is there anything someone cando to take that reasonable
(15:44):
approach?
Speaker 1 (15:46):
Yes.
Now, again, this is assumingthat you have a platform to
present your argument to thatperson.
So email or a letter of?
I understand this is painful.
I understand neither one of uslike this or want this, but here
are the facts of our situation.
You and I can communicateoffline between each other for
(16:09):
free or via this, you know,third party mediator, with or
without attorneys.
But if we don't, that meansthere goes the college fund and
there goes.
You want to buy a boat.
I hope you get that boat, butwe're going to spend the amount
of money for that boat just foryou and I to feel like we won.
(16:33):
And the words that are comingout of my mouth now are similar
but different for everybody.
So, putting it in the contextof your relationship and your
marriage, of what matters tothat person Are they financially
driven?
Are they emotionally driven?
Are they the type of personthat will spend a hundred grand
just for a judge to say you win,she was a bad wife.
(16:57):
If I said that to you right now, could we settle this?
I will admit to being a badwife you know something in the
terms that that personunderstands.
Speaker 3 (17:09):
I also, I 100% agree.
I think that it's finding whatis that underlying interest of
the other person and figuringthat out so that you can appease
that or appeal to that.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
The other thing that I find, and I don't know you're
in South Carolina, which thereare five ways to get divorced in
South Carolina, but because youwant to get divorced has only
been legal in my lifetime, sowe're still learning the
collaborative, uncontested modelhere.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
Yeah, and I would say that it's relatively recent for
Maryland as well.
But one thing that many peopledon't realize is how long the
process can take if you gothrough court.
At least here, we areexperiencing in some counties up
to two years before theyactually get before a judge, and
(18:06):
most people want to resolvethings before that, and so using
that time as an incentive canalso help.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
Yes.
And again, being that you're inMaryland and I came from the
government, so I'm allowed tomake jokes about the government.
Do you really want to fill outmore forms and stand in line and
go to the bottom of the pile,or do you want the speedy pass
to where you're able to say, yep, we're good, and get that done
(18:38):
quicker?
And of course, it depends onwhich state you're in.
I just read a study that whereI live is number 46 out of 50 in
terms of timeliness.
But we also have a mandatoryone year wait, which brings you
to a separate conversation of doyou file now or do you file in
the future.
It's usually better to file now, just because of the merits of
(19:01):
the system where I live.
But yeah, the time I had oneclient call me on September 1st
and she goes well, the attorneysays we can get divorced in
another 72 days, so that meansby Christmas.
I can go on tenderandmatchcom,right, and I said what you could
(19:23):
do it now, but I don't thinkyou should and you will not be
single by Christmas.
I'm just here to tell you as aformer civil servant.
Speaker 3 (19:33):
Absolutely, though.
If parties can reach anagreement and they have that
signed separation agreementcontract, that resolves all of
their issues, then that allowsfor more freedom.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
It does, and even financially, like if you're
going to be financing a newhouse, you can craft the
language in that document that'sgonna make a lender feel much
better about giving you money,even though your legal spouse
isn't on the documents.
And what?
Oh yes, the more often than notI say that's the way to go 100%
(20:11):
, because it saves everybodytime and money.
Speaker 3 (20:22):
What roles do you think?
Speaker 1 (20:23):
mindset play when navigating the divorce process
successfully.
Yeah, so divorce isn't pretty,even the nicest ones.
So, no matter what you're goingto have a different living
situation, no matter what you'regoing to have a different
financial situation, if you area parent, you are more than
(20:44):
likely going to have far lesstime with your children.
Accepting that and I say usingthat to make the life that you
want, knowing that those threefactors and probably many more
are an absolute certainty,accepting it and going from
there of that's what will makethis more tolerable.
(21:05):
I've got a client recently thatsaid you know, my whole life
I've wanted to live in anapartment in the city.
And I said now is your chance.
You get to live anywhere youwant.
Now does that make sense foryour lifestyle and your job and
whatnot?
We'll talk about thatseparately, but you get to
choose now and I try to spendthe positive on it as much as I
(21:30):
can of you know we've had asetback, but you now have a
clean marker board to draw thatthe way you want.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
And it's a new chapter to create the life that
you want as well.
It is.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
I like to say you are becoming a single legal entity.
Right Reset, let's go.
Speaker 3 (21:51):
Right If you could give one piece of advice to
someone who is about to starttheir perfect client, the one
that I feel I can serve the bestcomes to me before they have
(22:19):
retained counsel, madelife-altering legal decisions
and learning.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
the tone that you set now is going to keep going.
So if there's any possibilitywe can swallow our pride a
little bit and smile versusfrown and start off amicable.
You've got the best chanceending that way 100% agree,
(22:47):
Chris.
Speaker 3 (22:47):
thank you so much.
Where can our listeners findout more about you and your work
at Palmetto Divorce Coaching?
Speaker 1 (22:54):
Well, you just said it.
For me it's palmettodivorcecoachingcom.
I prefer to work onlyone-on-one so I don't have any
type of group things or files tobuy when you come to me.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
That's what you get is me Wonderful.
Well, thank you so much forsharing your insights today.
We know communication is such acritical part of the divorce
puzzle and I know your listenerswill benefit from the
strategies you've shared with ustoday.
If you're going through adivorce and need guidance, be
sure to check out Eric's work atpalmetto divorcecoachingcom and
, for our listeners, if youfound today's episode helpful,
(23:32):
don't forget to subscribe andshare with anyone who you think
could use this advice.
Until next time, thank you andtake care.
Speaker 2 (23:42):
Thanks for joining us today on this episode of
Divorce Diaries.
Remember every journey isunique, but you don't have to
navigate it alone.
Visit jacobsonfamilylawcom orcall 443-726-4912 for support
and guidance.
So the biggest misconceptions.
I even make jokes about myoccupation, and Hollywood gets
it wrong.
Well, Hollywood gets divorceand family wrong as well.
What's the first step?
You call a shark lawyer and youstart firing off motions and
discoveries.
No, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Welcome to Divorce Diaries, where attorney Carrie
Jacobson brings you real stories, hard truths and practical
advice on navigating divorce andfamily law.
Whether you're going through it, considering it or just curious
, this is your place for clarity, confidence and resilience.
Speaker 3 (00:40):
Welcome back to Divorce Diaries Lessons from the
Trenches.
I'm your host, keri Jacobson,and today we have a great guest
joining us Eric Chilton.
Eric is the founder of PalmettoDivorce Coaching.
He is a certified divorce coachwho helps individuals navigate
the complexities of divorce withclarity, confidence and
future-focused mindset.
(01:01):
His approach emphasizesemotional intelligence,
communication strategies andpractical solutions for
achieving an amicable divorceeven when the other party is not
cooperative.
Eric, thanks so much forjoining us today.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
Thank you, keri, glad to be here.
Speaker 3 (01:18):
Well, before we kind of get into some of the topics,
can you tell our listeners alittle bit about what inspired
you to become a divorce coach,as well as your personal journey
that led you to this work?
Speaker 1 (01:31):
Sure happy to so, being that you're in Maryland.
I spent a good part of mycareer in the DC area and folks
outside of DC rarely get this.
But I was with the agency thatknocks on your door and does
background investigations on allthe civil servants and you say,
well, what does that have to dowith family law and divorce and
(01:53):
whatnot?
Well, when you knock onsomebody's door, I start asking
questions.
The people are divorced andwhen you come from a procedural
(02:15):
standpoint, you're readingdivorce files, you're
interviewing both parties,you're trying to see whose story
matches up.
You get people that throw allsorts of mud at the other party
where he did this or she didthis, and I say, well, wait a
minute, I just read the publicrecord.
Why isn't that in there?
Could you share that with meand you parlay that into?
Then I became a leader withinthe government and all your
(02:38):
staff comes to you with theirproblems and you partner up with
the employee assistance programto help people work through it.
So that's what brought me here,and I'm 10 years post-divorce
myself and the therapist that Imet with when I just looked at
the employee benefit program ofwhat do you do when you get
divorced, I made the choice ofjust start calling lawyers and I
(03:03):
know now you don't have to dothat that there's much not to
take any away from attorneysbecause mine is great.
But there are many differentways to get divorced, and how
you start on day one really setsthe process for everybody.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
A hundred percent.
It definitely sets the tone.
You know, if you start outthrowing that mud, it's often
that that's going to continuethroughout that whole process,
versus if you start out with amore gentle approach.
And I'm sure you heard lots ofdifferent stories.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Yes, I say what's the weirdest thing you've ever
heard?
And I'm like you know, I'm notsure I can answer that because
that's such a subjective, butI'll tell you.
The thing that surprises me iswho tells me stuff or where the
information came from.
And, like whoa, I did notexpect you to say that I have a
lot of those stories, I'm sure.
(04:21):
What are some of the biggestlessons?
You, we were mindful of the factthat we can talk to each other
for free and come up withresolutions ourselves, but when
you start searching for divorcenow, you'll see terms and many
of them I commend you for usingon your platform collaborative
divorce and amicable divorce.
(04:42):
Those things didn't reallyexist a decade ago, and I happen
to live in the deep South,where it's not even possible to
have a joint attorney or a truecollaborative counsel, so you
have to figure out how to do iton your own.
So the biggest misconceptions Ieven make jokes about my
(05:03):
occupation and Hollywood gets itwrong.
Well, hollywood gets divorceand family wrong as well.
What's the first step?
You call a shark lawyer and youstart firing off motions and
discoveries.
No, no, no, no, no, even if youdon't want to be in the same
room as the other person.
I mean, we're getting divorcedand something along the way fell
(05:24):
apart.
Learning that how youcommunicate, how you negotiate
and how you offer proposals andcounter proposals offline for
free saves you tens of thousandsof dollars, not to mention the
emotional toil that comes alongwith it.
(05:45):
So, thinking outside the box,realizing that what you've seen
in drama is really the exception, Absolutely, and what you've
been told by family and friends,yes, I say that as well.
As much as I love my family andfriends and support system, this
is when I need you to tune themout a little bit.
(06:08):
I will triage all thatinformation for you.
But even the well-meaningpeople, I mean they're sharing a
story that happened to theirnext door neighbor's sister's
college roommate's cousin.
That has nothing to do with you.
Speaker 3 (06:23):
That's happened in a different state.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Yes, Right Galaxy long ago and Star Wars yeah.
Speaker 3 (06:30):
Right, and I do think that there is that absolute
misconception that the veryfirst thing you should do is
hire an attorney and file adivorce, and so often with the
people that we meet with, that'slike the approach that they are
looking to take and we're likelet's take this back a few steps
(06:51):
.
We try to negotiate it firstand then only if you can't come
to an agreement do we then file.
Or you do come to an agreementand then we're filing for the
uncontested divorce, or you docome to an agreement and then
we're filing for the uncontesteddivorce.
So it saves so much angst,because so many times what I see
(07:13):
is that people get that divorcefiling and their spouse's
attorney has said all thesehorrible things about them, you
know, for the purpose of theactual document, and then you're
having to overcome andnegotiate around what was said,
(07:33):
even though it wasn't reallynecessary.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Exactly, and I mean a civil court action for divorce
is, by its core definition,court action for divorce is, by
its core definition, adversarialin nature.
But it doesn't have to be thatway, and I use the cliche.
There's a difference betweendisagreeing and being
disagreeable.
And that's one of the veryfirst conversations and usually
(07:59):
the first question I ask anybodythat calls me is tell me the
exact state of affairs today inlevel of communication.
Do we dialogue about anything,or is this truly a burn bridge
and the only way we cancommunicate is by carrier pigeon
?
Speaker 3 (08:17):
Yeah, in your experience, what is a common
mistake that you've seen peoplemake during their divorce, and
how can our listeners preventthat from happening?
Speaker 1 (08:32):
right.
So you just used a term thatI'm a big fan of mediation.
Now I do not profess to knowthe policies and procedures of
all 50 states.
Everyone is different.
The state where I live,mediation is actually a
requirement unless you walk intothe courthouse and check one
(08:53):
box on one form that says thisis completely not disputed.
We just need a judge to signthis so that we can get divorced
and not fearing the vocabulary,taking the time to learn the
policies and procedures of yourstate because it's different in
(09:14):
the next state, in the nextstate, in the next state.
So you know again, usingplatforms like yours.
I just wish I could providethat to clients here, locally,
of here, is a much better waythan what you know.
Speaker 3 (09:28):
But to answer your question, educating yourself as
to the procedure where you live,yes, because it is drastically
different from one location tothe next, and sometimes even
within the same state.
Different counties can havedifferent quirks and things that
(09:49):
they are looking for and howthey approach.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
You know the cases as well, so and then the next big
topic after that is here's thesecond most common question.
I get Something phrased similarto can he do that?
Can she do that?
Does that matter?
And the answer normally is no.
It doesn't matter how you feelabout it.
(10:16):
Sure that matters.
How you react to that, ofcourse that matters.
But no, the court does not carethat you think your soon-to-be
ex-husband is a jerk.
There's no law against being ajerk.
Speaker 3 (10:29):
Yeah, we get that question as well, and oftentimes
it is not a great.
There may not be a legalramification but, sometimes it
can impact how negotiations willgo right.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (10:45):
So you know a very common one is well, does it
matter if I am dating someoneelse during the separation
period until you know anagreement is signed and legally
it doesn't make a hugedifference?
Speaker 1 (10:58):
At least now in Maryland we don't have adultery
as a fault ground any longer butit can impact how willing your
spouse is going to be innegotiating the terms of the
agreement so yes, if I show upto baseball practice and my new
girlfriend is sitting next to me, yes, everybody sees that,
(11:21):
everybody reacts to that.
Everybody reacts to that, andit's probably not in the most
warm and fuzzy way.
Speaker 3 (11:29):
Right.
So my advice typically is let'sget that agreement signed first
and then talk about introducinga new significant other to the
kids or your spouse.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (11:45):
What are some strategies that you recommend
for responding to tenseconversations often emails or
texts, maybe it's high conflictsituations to help your clients
bring down those tensions.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Right.
So this is something I love torole play with my clients of.
Let's just pretend Carrie sendsme a text message at 9.30 at
night.
It's very long and ramblingabout how I stink at life
because I didn't buy Susie theshoes that she needed and the
new lunchbox.
(12:26):
And why would I dare bring mySusie the shoes that she needed
and the new lunchbox?
And why would I dare bring mygirlfriend to the baseball?
I'm going to reply to you inbusiness hours.
I'm going to reply to you onlywith the material facts of.
You're absolutely right.
Sorry about the shoes.
We're going to go to the storethis afternoon.
I know you have an extralunchbox at the house.
(12:49):
Could you please use that?
Until I get a new one andyou'll see it's softball, I'll
be alone.
I responded in bullet form.
I took out the emotions and Ididn't fire back immediately and
especially for any type of highconflict situation, I do get a
lot of people that come to me.
You know, saying so-and-so is anarcissist.
I was like, well, hold on,We'll get to that in a minute.
(13:09):
But taking the emotion out ofit, that is, I like to say, is
my gift in life.
And responding in reasonabletimeframes and hours.
You do not get dragged into adialogue.
We've already established thatwe're breaking up and we don't
need to keep rehashing that asto why so, and so is a jerk.
(13:34):
Yes, setting those boundaries iswhat I hear you say yes, there
you go, boundaries, and pick andchoose your battles.
To use more cliches yes, okay.
Speaker 3 (13:48):
How can someone practice emotional intelligence
when they are dealing with that?
You know person who justdoesn't want to follow those
boundaries.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
So again, the terms you hear a lot high, conflict,
narcissistic.
I call it the emotionalselfishness that comes from
divorce.
A certain degree of paranoiacreeps into everybody, a certain
degree of animosity creeps in,but along to what I was saying
before of having a verycalculated response, thinking
(14:29):
about your response, playingthrough it with your coach or a
trusted advisor, of can you takethe feeling out of this and
just focus on the facts.
The same thing the court willdo to you if you go the route of
litigation, of not allowingyourself to be drawn into that
(14:51):
slippery slope of you knowyou're never going to see your
kids again, I'll never pay you adime.
All right, I heard you, butI've been doing lots of reading
and research and I'd like toaddress the following in
business form.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
Yeah, keep bringing it back to being more of a
business.
Like response.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
Exactly yeah.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
We know that you mentioned kind of collaborative
and mediation before.
Obviously, keeping and reachingan amicable resolution is often
best for everyone that'sinvolved.
But what if the other party isnot on board, not willing to
negotiate?
Is there anything someone cando to take that reasonable
(15:44):
approach?
Speaker 1 (15:46):
Yes.
Now, again, this is assumingthat you have a platform to
present your argument to thatperson.
So email or a letter of?
I understand this is painful.
I understand neither one of uslike this or want this, but here
are the facts of our situation.
You and I can communicateoffline between each other for
(16:09):
free or via this, you know,third party mediator, with or
without attorneys.
But if we don't, that meansthere goes the college fund and
there goes.
You want to buy a boat.
I hope you get that boat, butwe're going to spend the amount
of money for that boat just foryou and I to feel like we won.
(16:33):
And the words that are comingout of my mouth now are similar
but different for everybody.
So, putting it in the contextof your relationship and your
marriage, of what matters tothat person Are they financially
driven?
Are they emotionally driven?
Are they the type of personthat will spend a hundred grand
just for a judge to say you win,she was a bad wife.
(16:57):
If I said that to you right now, could we settle this?
I will admit to being a badwife you know something in the
terms that that personunderstands.
Speaker 3 (17:09):
I also, I 100% agree.
I think that it's finding whatis that underlying interest of
the other person and figuringthat out so that you can appease
that or appeal to that.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
The other thing that I find, and I don't know you're
in South Carolina, which thereare five ways to get divorced in
South Carolina, but because youwant to get divorced has only
been legal in my lifetime, sowe're still learning the
collaborative, uncontested modelhere.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
Yeah, and I would say that it's relatively recent for
Maryland as well.
But one thing that many peopledon't realize is how long the
process can take if you gothrough court.
At least here, we areexperiencing in some counties up
to two years before theyactually get before a judge, and
(18:06):
most people want to resolvethings before that, and so using
that time as an incentive canalso help.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
Yes.
And again, being that you're inMaryland and I came from the
government, so I'm allowed tomake jokes about the government.
Do you really want to fill outmore forms and stand in line and
go to the bottom of the pile,or do you want the speedy pass
to where you're able to say, yep, we're good, and get that done
(18:38):
quicker?
And of course, it depends onwhich state you're in.
I just read a study that whereI live is number 46 out of 50 in
terms of timeliness.
But we also have a mandatoryone year wait, which brings you
to a separate conversation of doyou file now or do you file in
the future.
It's usually better to file now, just because of the merits of
(19:01):
the system where I live.
But yeah, the time I had oneclient call me on September 1st
and she goes well, the attorneysays we can get divorced in
another 72 days, so that meansby Christmas.
I can go on tenderandmatchcom,right, and I said what you could
(19:23):
do it now, but I don't thinkyou should and you will not be
single by Christmas.
I'm just here to tell you as aformer civil servant.
Speaker 3 (19:33):
Absolutely, though.
If parties can reach anagreement and they have that
signed separation agreementcontract, that resolves all of
their issues, then that allowsfor more freedom.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
It does, and even financially, like if you're
going to be financing a newhouse, you can craft the
language in that document that'sgonna make a lender feel much
better about giving you money,even though your legal spouse
isn't on the documents.
And what?
Oh yes, the more often than notI say that's the way to go 100%
(20:11):
, because it saves everybodytime and money.
Speaker 3 (20:22):
What roles do you think?
Speaker 1 (20:23):
mindset play when navigating the divorce process
successfully.
Yeah, so divorce isn't pretty,even the nicest ones.
So, no matter what you're goingto have a different living
situation, no matter what you'regoing to have a different
financial situation, if you area parent, you are more than
(20:44):
likely going to have far lesstime with your children.
Accepting that and I say usingthat to make the life that you
want, knowing that those threefactors and probably many more
are an absolute certainty,accepting it and going from
there of that's what will makethis more tolerable.
(21:05):
I've got a client recently thatsaid you know, my whole life
I've wanted to live in anapartment in the city.
And I said now is your chance.
You get to live anywhere youwant.
Now does that make sense foryour lifestyle and your job and
whatnot?
We'll talk about thatseparately, but you get to
choose now and I try to spendthe positive on it as much as I
(21:30):
can of you know we've had asetback, but you now have a
clean marker board to draw thatthe way you want.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
And it's a new chapter to create the life that
you want as well.
It is.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
I like to say you are becoming a single legal entity.
Right Reset, let's go.
Speaker 3 (21:51):
Right If you could give one piece of advice to
someone who is about to starttheir perfect client, the one
that I feel I can serve the bestcomes to me before they have
(22:19):
retained counsel, madelife-altering legal decisions
and learning.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
the tone that you set now is going to keep going.
So if there's any possibilitywe can swallow our pride a
little bit and smile versusfrown and start off amicable.
You've got the best chanceending that way 100% agree,
(22:47):
Chris.
Speaker 3 (22:47):
thank you so much.
Where can our listeners findout more about you and your work
at Palmetto Divorce Coaching?
Speaker 1 (22:54):
Well, you just said it.
For me it's palmettodivorcecoachingcom.
I prefer to work onlyone-on-one so I don't have any
type of group things or files tobuy when you come to me.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
That's what you get is me Wonderful.
Well, thank you so much forsharing your insights today.
We know communication is such acritical part of the divorce
puzzle and I know your listenerswill benefit from the
strategies you've shared with ustoday.
If you're going through adivorce and need guidance, be
sure to check out Eric's work atpalmetto divorcecoachingcom and
, for our listeners, if youfound today's episode helpful,
(23:32):
don't forget to subscribe andshare with anyone who you think
could use this advice.
Until next time, thank you andtake care.
Speaker 2 (23:42):
Thanks for joining us today on this episode of
Divorce Diaries.
Remember every journey isunique, but you don't have to
navigate it alone.
Visit jacobsonfamilylawcom orcall 443-726-4912 for support
and guidance.
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