July 1, 2025 • 36 mins
Divorce fundamentally changes who we are—and that's not something to fear, but to embrace. When former divorce attorney and certified coach Sharri Freedman joins host Cary Jacobson, she reveals the transformative power hidden within the painful process of ending a marriage. Drawing from 30+ years of experience and her innovative "liberated method," Sharri explains how understanding divorce as an identity evolution can help you maintain power rather than slip into victimhood.
Whether you're contemplating divorce, in the middle of proceedings, or rebuilding post-divorce, this episode offers practical wisdom for navigating change with intention and emerging stronger on the other side.
Visit jacobsonfamilylaw.com to learn more.
Visit jacobsonworkshop.com to learn more.
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Episode Transcript
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Sharri Freedman (00:00):
We can't go through divorce and not change.
It's impossible.
And so when you understand froma neurological standpoint, from
a biological standpoint, from amind-body connection standpoint
, what it means to evolve youridentity, you are able to
(00:22):
maintain your power, as opposedto slipping into that victim
mentality that kind of sets youdown this rabbit hole of blame
and shame and resentment.
Intro/Close (00:35):
Welcome to Divorce Diaries, where Cary Jacobson
brings you real stories, hardtruths and practical advice on
navigating divorce and familylaw.
Whether you're going through it, considering it or just curious
, this is your place for clarity, confidence and resilience.
Cary Jacobson (00:57):
Welcome back to Divorce Diaries Lessons from the
Trenches, the podcast, where wehave honest conversations about
the realities of divorce,co-parenting and starting over,
so that you can move forwardwith clarity and confidence.
I'm your Cary Jacobson,attorney, mediator and founder
of Jacobson Family Law.
Today's guest is someone whobrings both legal expertise and
(01:18):
deep insight to the divorceprocess, Sharri Freedman.
Sharri is the founder ofPotomac Coaching, a boutique
coaching practice that supportswomen who have outgrown their
marriages and are ready toembrace what she calls the
liberated method.
Sharri's unique background as aformer divorce attorney and
certified coach allows her toguide women through both the
(01:40):
logistical and the emotionalchallenge of divorce, helping
them let go of what no longerserves them and step into a more
empowered future.
Sharri, thank you so much forbeing here.
Thank you for having me.
Well, I always like to starttalking with our guests about
their journey, so can you tellus a little bit more about your
(02:01):
journey?
I know that you have, you know,practiced as a divorce attorney
for years, so what inspired youto transition into coaching?
Sharri Freedman (02:10):
Yes, great question.
So I did.
I have practiced family law formany, many years.
I'm still hold my legal license.
I've been a divorce professionalfor now over 30 years, which is
kind of crazy to even say outloud.
And there was a time severalyears ago where I was kind of at
a crossroads, kind of thinkingI had been working part-time and
just like where, where do I gonow?
(02:32):
My children were getting older,getting ready, one was off,
getting ready to go off tocollege and kind of examining,
you know what I wanted to do,how could I help my clients more
than I was already doing?
There's a lot of conflict, asyou know, in litigated divorce,
which is kind of where I wasprimarily in that, you know,
(02:57):
getting clients ready for whatpotentially could be a court
proceeding, while most of thecases did resolve, either
through mediation or throughnegotiated settlement, it.
There there is that combativesort of battle process which
just never leaves any side happyright, and there's always.
And so in my quest for, like,what do I want to do now with my
(03:21):
life, I discovered divorcecoaching and kind of took me
down that path, did a intensivecertification, realized this is
what I'm meant to do, reallyfell in love with the ability to
help clients not just getthrough the process but really
give them what, the practices,the tools that they need to live
(03:44):
their best life post-divorce.
And so I did some divorcecoaching for a while after my
certification and then learnedabout the NIE method, which is
neuro identity evolution, whichwas a game changer.
I went through this methodologyfor myself as an entrepreneur,
(04:06):
and the tools and practices thatI learned and that I use and
embody every single day, Irealized this is this is the
missing piece.
This is what my people need inorder to really be able to not
just, like I said, get throughthe divorce but to evolve their
identity, because divorce is anidentity evolution.
Right, we can't go throughdivorce and not change.
(04:28):
It's impossible.
And so when you have the the,when you understand from a
neurological standpoint, from abiological standpoint, from a
mind body connection standpoint,what it means to evolve your
identity a mind-body connectionstandpoint, what it means to
(04:49):
evolve your identity, you areable to maintain your power, as
opposed to slipping into thatvictim mentality that kind of
sets you down this rabbit holeof blame and shame and
resentment and all those thingsthat a lot of times we find
clients in when they're in thatlitigated conflict posture.
Cary Jacobson (05:07):
Right, I'm fascinated by this.
So can you explain kind of howyou guide a client through that
process?
What does that look like on apractical?
Sharri Freedman (05:16):
matter, yeah.
So there's so many pieces thatgo into it, but sort of to
summarize it, it's reallylooking at how can I take
radical personal responsibility.
That's kind of a cornerstone ofa lot of what I teach is like
take radical personalresponsibility for your choices,
and that there's always achoice.
And so so often we findourselves thinking I don't have
(05:40):
any options, this isn't a choice, like I don't have any choices
here.
And when you step back, whenyou can zoom back a little bit
and realize, oh wait, a minute,there are choices.
It may not be good ones andoftentimes in divorce there
aren't good choices but there'salways choice.
And so really teaching clientshow to take that personal
responsibility for the choicesthat they're making, and then we
(06:04):
create a vision right, so wewill do some visioning and
really like look far ahead intothe future to identify what are
the feelings that we want to befeeling.
We don't you don't evennecessarily have to know exactly
where you want to be, whereyou're going to be living, who
you're going to be with, butit's more of an embodiment of
like how do I want to be feeling, how do I want to show up
(06:25):
through the process and beyond,and then you use that as your
anchor to bring you back to forevery decision that you need to
make.
It's like is this is thisbringing me closer to my vision
or further away?
And if it's bringing youfurther away, then you get to
stop and you get to say, okay, Isee it's bringing me further
away.
Do I want to choose this path,or do I want to come back and
say, wait a minute, maybe I wantto choose something else?
(06:48):
It really is that anchor.
The visioning is a really,really important piece that a
lot of people skip or don't evenrealize they need to be
thinking about it when they'rein it.
Right, because when you're init it's so myopic, you're so
like I just need to get totomorrow.
I can't think about a week fromnow, a month from now, three
(07:09):
years from now.
But it's so important to beable to zoom out a little bit
and think about that in order tomake those decisions.
Because if you make decisionsthat are only about today or
tomorrow, it could hurt you downthe road, because it may not be
what you actually want threeyears from now.
Cary Jacobson (07:27):
Yeah, well, I think it's difficult for people
in general much less peoplegoing through this major
transition to really sit backand think what do I want, right?
And so because many timespeople don't necessarily think
about that, they're really likejust trying to make it from one
(07:48):
day to the next, and so Itotally understand why that's
such a critical piece, but it's.
It is one that would be verydifficult for many people.
Sharri Freedman (07:58):
Yeah, and it is .
And it's because we're, we'reso used to the familiar, right,
we get, we get, we getcomfortable in the familiar,
even if the familiar isuncomfortable.
Right, like, even if you're ina situation where you're unhappy
, things are not going the waythat you had envisioned.
Maybe there's some physicalviolence or maybe there's
(08:20):
emotional abuse.
Maybe not right, maybe it'sjust, I'm just we're growing
apart, but and it'suncomfortable but the thought of
the unknown, the divorce, right, what happens, what would life
be like, is so scary and it's sounfamiliar that our system
likes to bring us back to well,maybe it's not so bad.
(08:42):
Well, maybe if we just wait,maybe things will get better,
but nothing changes if nothingchanges.
And so what I love about theliberated method, which is my
approach to doing divorcedifferent it's it's really is
that it gets you to step backand think like how can I do this
intentionally?
How can I do this?
(09:02):
Have a conscious divorce?
How can I think about this?
Have a conscious divorce, howcan I think about this in a way
that maybe I'm not thinkingabout it right now and when you,
when you're, when you begin torealize, oh, my thoughts are not
trustworthy, right, becausesometimes we can't believe a
thought we think, because ourour brain is going to feed us
all the things that it thinks wewant to hear, right, to keep us
(09:25):
in that familiar.
And so when we can kind of zoomback and go, oh wait a minute,
is that true, is that reallytrue, is that really where I
want to be?
And then have the tools andpractices to be able to shift
that, because our thoughtscreate our feelings, our
feelings drive our actions, ouractions create our reality
always, and so we get caught inthis thought loop, and so what I
(09:48):
love about this methodology isthat it gives you a way to get
out of that.
Right, we can say, oh, I don'twant to feel this way, so what
do I need to think in order notto feel that?
Or I don't want to act this way, so what do I need to feel so
that I don't act this way?
And when I feel that, I thinkdifferent, and then you get a
different result.
So if you're not happy with yourresults, you have the power to
(10:12):
change it, and it's always aboutyou, the client.
This is not about me or what Iwant.
This is always bringing it backto what do you want.
What would you do in thissituation, or what would your
future version of you do in thissituation?
And that always helps theclient be able to go oh, wait a
minute, right.
If I think about the futureversion of me, oh, she wouldn't
(10:32):
be doing that, right.
Cary Jacobson (10:36):
Yeah, and then that will impact all of the
other things.
So setting that as the anchormakes total sense.
One of the biggest strugglesmany of our clients face is that
indecision, the constant backand forth.
And you know by the timethey've called our office many
(10:56):
times they've kind of made thedecision that they're going to
divorce but it can take people along time to get there.
Divorce but it can take peoplea long time to get there.
How do you help clients get outof that?
Sharri Freedman (11:11):
cycle and start making those confident
decisions.
Yeah, so I love that.
I love that you asked me this,because I've been doing a lot of
research and work on the shouldI stay or should I go?
That indecision, like, whatmakes someone stay in a in a
marriage way longer than maybethey want to, and, um, a lot of
(11:31):
it is that we get stuck in thefamiliar right and it it's the
fear of making a mistake, right,especially for a lot of the
women that I work with.
They are, you know, successfulin their careers.
Um, they're great parents on ifyou, if you look outside, right
on paper, it looks like theyhave a perfect life right, right
(11:52):
, like they.
They've got the you know twokids and the family home and the
dog and the you know beautifulcars and the and the career, the
two income households and, ormaybe you know they.
They are fortunate that one ofthem can, you know, step back
and work part time or volunteer,but they're well educated.
Like on paper, everything looksperfect, but inside they're
(12:12):
unhappy, something's off,something's not right, and yet
it's this fear of like.
Oh my God, if I leave, I failed,I'm a failure.
Yeah, ego comes in, right, andwe all have ego, right.
And when our ego comes in,it'll shut everything down
because it's like, oh my God,what are people going to think
(12:33):
of me?
And I can't fail, I don't fail,that's not who I am.
And so it's helping clients torealize, to recognize that
you're not a failure, right, torealize, to recognize that, oh,
you're not a failure, right,your marriage ending doesn't
make you a failure.
Your marriage may have failed,but you are not a failure.
And so often we attach to thatfeeling like it's you know I'm
(12:56):
sad, right, it's not, it becomes.
You become the feeling insteadof recognizing you are not that.
Cary Jacobson (13:03):
Right, I think, feeling the worry of failing and
also feeling like you mentionedhow are people going, what are
people going to think?
You know, how are people goingto judge me, and you know that
may come out in a different way,like I'm staying for the kids
(13:25):
or you know something alongthose lines, but I think really
at the root of it, that is manyreasons why people ultimately
say is is feeling like they arefailing or wanting.
You know, not knowing howpeople are going to perceive
them.
Sharri Freedman (13:41):
Yeah, and I think the staying for the kids
comes up so often, and whatpeople don't realize, and what's
so important to understand, isthat they think they're doing
their kids a service.
Right, I'm going to stay for mykids.
My kids don't need you know.
It's not their fault that I'munhappy, or it's not their fault
that we don't get along, butyour kids are so smart, yes, and
(14:03):
they are picking up, and soit's what I always love to ask
my, my clients is you know what?
What do you?
What is the impact on your kidsseeing you and your partner not
communicating with one another,not having intimacy, maybe
sleeping in separate bedrooms?
What is that impact having onyour children?
(14:25):
What is that teaching them?
Is that the lessons that youwant to be carrying?
What are you dripping on yourkids, and is that better than
you leaving?
And yes, there's going to bepain.
Divorce is painful.
There's no way to avoid it.
Whether you want it or not,there's going to be pain, but
once you get through that,there's so much possibility.
(14:48):
If you say there's going to bepain, no matter how hard you try
to pretend that everything'sokay, your kids pick up on that,
and so it's really like oh,wait a minute.
What am I teaching them?
And when you can realize andrecognize that you're then able
to maybe make a more informedchoice Do I stay or do I go?
(15:10):
And sometimes people willchoose to stay.
And what I also love about thisliberated method is you can
choose to stay, but do itintentionally and make different
choices, because you can chooseto be happy and take ownership
of.
I'm choosing to stay and I'mgoing to do something about it.
I'm not just choosing to stayand like my life's going to be
miserable for the next 10 years,but I'm going to do something
(15:31):
about it.
I'm not just choosing to stayand like my life's going to be
miserable for the next 10 years,but I'm staying for the sake of
the kids, because then thatmakes you a martyr and thrust
you into victimhood.
Cary Jacobson (15:38):
Right.
And then also, I think theother piece to that for people
to consider if the argument is,I want to stay for the kids, is
I want to stay for the kids Evenif you are putting on the best
performance, right thateverything is wonderful and
great.
Those young adults havechallenges as well.
(16:02):
Most people will do it once thekids have left for college,
thinking that that's a bettertime, but I think that a lot of
times that that can be anotherchallenging time, because now
this young adult has thought,well, what was you know?
Was it all a lie?
And I think it's just.
It's a different, absolutelydifferent scenario, but it's
(16:26):
still impactful.
Sharri Freedman (16:35):
Absolutely.
And I've also heard from adultchildren of divorce whose
parents stayed for the sake ofthe kids.
There's a lot of resentmentfrom the children.
Why did you stay for me?
Because that puts so muchpressure on the kids that, oh my
God, my parents were miserablebecause of us.
Like they make it, their egocomes in and then that like.
So if you're trying to avoidyour kids needing therapy
because of your, your divorce,you may be creating a situation
(16:57):
anyway therapy.
So what I like to say to my, tomy clients, is your kids are
probably going to need therapy.
It may be something you did, itmay be something some kids said
to them on the playground, itcould be a teacher.
We have no idea what's going tocreate a trauma for our, for
(17:20):
our children.
So when you are able to putyourself first, it's actually
not selfish, it's actually inservice of everyone around you.
Because when you are full, whenyou are at your best, you give
all of that to to everyone else.
You're, you're operating at ahigher frequency.
And when your frequency is lowand you're in that low level
sadness, anger, frustration,resentment, bitterness you're
dripping all of thatunconsciously on everyone around
(17:42):
you.
And when you're in a higherlevel frequency.
When you're feeling joyful,when you're feeling happy,
confident, loving, compassionate, gracious, gratitude, all of
that, you're dripping all.
When you're feeling happy,confident, loving, compassionate
, gracious, gratitude, all ofthat, you're dripping all of
that on people.
So you know, you get to chooseand so what?
Cary Jacobson (18:02):
what would you rather drip on your kids?
Absolutely.
Now I know that there is lotsof fear about what comes after
divorce.
Right, like that's so much, uh,part of the, do I say or do I
go?
Um, you know whether it's fearof being alone, starting over
whether they're going to havethe financial, you know,
(18:22):
security.
How do you help women managethose fears and begin to see
divorce as an opportunityinstead of a failure, as we were
kind of talking about?
Sharri Freedman (18:33):
Yeah.
So I think part of it is, youknow, using some of my legal
wisdom and experience andhelping clients really think
about what is it like?
Getting organized first of all,and like do you know all your
assets?
Do you know what the law says?
Have you had your legalconsultation so that you have
your legal knowledge?
Because as a coach, even thoughI'm a lawyer, I can't give
(18:56):
legal advice, kind of like youas a mediator, you kind of give
general overview but you can'tgive legal advice.
So, really making sure thatclient understands you need to
have your legal knowledge andthen taking that legal knowledge
and really looking at it.
What does it mean?
Because that I can help helpthem with.
What is it that you want?
How does that work for you andyour family?
(19:16):
Um, so that that kind ofalleviates some fears.
Just knowing, like just havingsome information and then being
able to look at it from a ohokay, this is what we've got,
this is what maybe my partnerwants, this is what I want and
this is where we might be ableto get creative.
And here are all my optionslike just having a a more a
solid understanding of, likewhat the process looks like and
(19:41):
being able to come and askquestions and not worry about oh
my god, am I going to get abill for this?
Because I I need it repeated tome several times.
So just knowing that I havethat you have someone to talk,
having that sounding board andan objective perspective can be
very comforting From from thefinancial piece, because there's
(20:02):
a lot of financial fear aroundgoing from one household to two.
Whether you are the primarybreadwinner or not, whether you
know there's a lot of money or alittle bit of money to divide
up, there's always this fear oflike, are we going to be able to
make it?
Am I going to be able to?
What is my life going to looklike?
(20:23):
And so, again, it's kind ofhelping clients to put together
that kind of base, like verybasic what are my expenses, what
do I anticipate?
What information do I need togo and gather?
And then, once they haveinformation, who else might I
need on my team?
Right?
Do I need to have a CDFA or afinancial advisor or someone
(20:47):
like that?
Do I, if it's very complicated,if the finances are very
complicated, or even if they'renot, just to get some basic
understanding?
So who else do I need?
And then using the practices ofunderstanding.
Okay, from a practical, tactical, I understand the numbers, but
my system is still feelinguncomfortable because this is
(21:09):
stepping out of that zone offamiliarity.
And so the work that I get todo with my clients is, once we
have that sort of baseline, islike okay, how can we create the
internal safety?
And that's the missing.
One of the really big missingpieces is because you can have
the best strategy, you can hirethe best divorce attorney, you
(21:31):
can have the best mediator, youcan have the best financial
advisor, but if your system isnot feeling safe internally,
you're not going to make alignedchoices, you're going to be
making it from a place ofscarcity as opposed to abundance
and you will have regret.
So the work is creating thatsafety internally, which is what
(21:53):
I do with clients, and it's awhole process that we do over a
course of six months when I workwith clients privately and it's
just building internal safetyaround.
It's safe to move forward.
It's safe to have everything Idesire, desire.
It's safe to want to be happy.
(22:13):
It's safe you have peace,because for a lot of people who
have been in this sort ofchaotic household have it.
They say they want peace, peaceof mind, quiet.
But when they're in that it'sso unfamiliar system actually
wants to bring them back intothat chaos, even though the
(22:35):
chaos was so uncomfortable,right because it's what they
know.
It's what they know exactly, andso when they can understand oh
wait, a minute, my system istrying to sabotage my up level,
my wanting to be over here rightin that piece, being happy,
being calm because the other isso familiar.
(22:57):
And that's when we get thequestioning of like, did I make
a mistake?
Maybe I ought to go back, mayberight from that also mistakes
that happen in that notnecessarily going back, but in
that I just want to be donebecause the conflict gets, so
the conflict can get veryheightened.
(23:17):
Right, you have a more dominantspouse on one side and a more
codependent spouse on the otherside.
The codependent spouse can oftenjust want to get it over with.
Right, let's get it done sothat I can move on.
And when you do that from aconscious, intentional place,
yay, but when you do it from aexhausted, depleted, scarcity,
(23:43):
fearful state, you will alwaysregret it.
Right, so, being being able todiscern, what is it that I'm
feeling?
Is this intentional or is thisa giving up Rather than right,
rather than an intentionaldecision?
That this is what makes sensefor me right now, and I'm going
to own that.
Cary Jacobson (24:03):
Right, yeah, it's definitely something that we
see often, whether it's because,like you mentioned, that person
is not the dominant, you know,one in the relationship, or just
because things have dragged outfor such a long time and
they've been in this back andforth for a long time and
(24:24):
they're just over it, you know.
And so it is definitely achallenge that we see regularly,
even for those folks who arewillingly wanting out of the
relationship but it's, you know,wanting to be over and done
(24:44):
with the process sometimes.
Sharri Freedman (24:46):
Yeah, absolutely.
And I think one of themisconceptions around like
working with a coach is, oh, Ionly need to work with a coach
if it's super high conflict,right.
But really, even in an amicabledivorce there's going to be
conflict, right, there's alwayssome level of conflict.
It's just like how high is theconflict?
But this process, this reallycoming back to like who am I?
(25:12):
Who am I going to be, who do Iwant to be Like, this divorce
gives you an opportunity toalmost reinvent who you get to
be, because you've been thispartner, this spouse, a wife, a
mother, and now you're goinginto this like single parent.
Now you're going into this likesingle parent, no longer
someone's partner, you're nolonger a spouse, and that can be
(25:35):
really.
It can impact you in a way thatyou don't even realize
sometimes.
And so there's an importantgrieving process that has to
happen.
Even if you want it, even ifyou're like, or even if you're
resigned to it or accepting ofit, there's still a mourning
period, and what shocks so manyof my clients is they feel like
(25:55):
well, I've done that already,like I grieved at the very
beginning, so I'm done with that.
And then the divorce, the legaldivorce, happens and they're
like oh my god, why am I?
Why am I feeling all thesefeelings?
And it's it's because youreally truly haven't believed
the way that you need to.
There's a mourning, there'sthat when that legal paper comes
(26:15):
across right, there is amourning, a death of the
marriage of the hopes and dreams.
There's so much loss that needsto be felt in order for you to
let it go and be able to move oninto that next chapter.
Cary Jacobson (26:34):
Absolutely.
Sharri Freedman (26:35):
A lot of the work that I do with clients is I
give them awareness around thatand then space to be able to
feel what they need to feel, andso we do a lot of work on
feeling our feelings, which noneof us are taught to do right.
We're always taught, like youknow suck it up buttercup, I'll
give you something to cry aboutLike we've heard that right from
(26:57):
our parents and so we're nottaught how to actually feel, and
it's so important to be able tofeel everything.
So this is not a bypassing ofthe feelings in order to get to
a better place.
This is feeling through thefeelings to get to a better
place.
This is feeling through thefeelings to get to that better
place.
Cary Jacobson (27:13):
Absolutely.
I so many times where we've hadclients who were the person who
initiated the divorce right andthey've signed the agreement
already, and it's oftentimesduring that uncontested hearing
that there are still tears,there are, there's still those
(27:33):
feelings, you know, because thatthat made it final, and so I
totally recognize what you'resaying there, because it's like,
even though they may have beenthe one to initiate it, they
didn't necessarily go throughall of the feelings and now it's
oh, I didn't realize this wasstill here.
Sharri Freedman (27:54):
Yeah, and it's okay to have that.
And no it's okay and to expectit.
I think for a lot like asdivorce professionals, sometimes
we assume that clientsunderstand all how everything's
going to work because we've justdone it for so long.
And what always surprises me,and what I'm really mindful of
now, is that they really need itto be spoon fed almost Like,
(28:18):
okay, this is what you canexpect to happen, this is what.
Like oh, they're going to filean answer, for example, and
probably a counterclaim if it'sa contested case, if you haven't
already reached an agreement,and it's going to say all kinds
of things that are going to behurtful.
That's part of the process.
Yep, expect that, whereas.
And they're like, oh, and it'sstill going to hurt.
(28:40):
But when you know like, oh, thisis part of the process and not
like, oh, this is only happeningto me and my particular spouse
is just being a jerk, it's like,no, this is part of what
happens when we move forward ina contested Right.
It doesn't make it hurt less,but it makes it like, oh, ok, I
don't have to take it sopersonally.
(29:01):
Right, and coaching can oftenhelp with that Right.
It's like when you get stuck inthat personal, you make it
about you.
When the ego comes in.
That's when we don't make gooddecisions, right, because we're
operating from that fear.
Cary Jacobson (29:21):
Absolutely.
What is one mistake that youcommonly see clients make, and
how could they avoid it?
Sharri Freedman (29:32):
Hmm, so something that's coming to mind
for me is wanting to keep thehouse at all costs, and for some
people it makes sense to keepthe house, for others maybe not.
The mistake is not in themaking the decision.
(29:57):
The mistake is in not gettingall your knowledge, not
understanding what does it meanto keep the house?
Because it's not simply okay,we're going to work out an
agreement so that I can keep thehouse.
It's what comes later.
Can I actually afford to keepthe house?
Because you may get to keep thehouse but you might not be able
to maintain the house.
And so what have you given upin exchange to keep the house?
(30:20):
And now you actually have tosell the house anyway because
you can't maintain the house.
Not finding out if you'requalified to refinance, if your
mortgage doesn't allow anassumption.
Sometimes, oftentimes, peoplewill work out an agreement where
they refinance, they get torefinance within a certain
(30:42):
period of time, and if theydon't refinance, then the house
gets sold and they don't realize, oh, I actually don't, I'm not
going to qualify, right.
And so, again, they've given upthings.
Maybe they've given upretirement, which I see happen a
lot, and it's they're not.
It's not apples to apples.
So when you have your knowledgeof, like I understand I'm
giving up retirement and it'snot apples to apples and I'm
(31:05):
okay with that, it's beingintentional that then there's
not the regret, it's like, ohwait a minute, maybe I can find
out if I can refinance before Iagree to this, because if you
can't refinance then maybeyou're going to agree to
something else.
Right, absolutely.
So I think that's one mistakethat just I think happens a lot.
Cary Jacobson (31:27):
Yeah, we see it regularly as well, and I'm sure
you have a list of professionals.
We have lists of professionals,you know, mortgage lenders, et
cetera, and especially with youknow we lenders, et cetera, and
especially with you know wealways encourage our clients to
get that information before they, you know, make that final
(31:47):
determination, because we dowant to make sure that they know
going into it, you know, isthis the best option for us All,
right, before we end, ifsomeone is listening and just
beginning to question, you knowthat should I say or should I go
, what is the very first stepyou would recommend they take?
Sharri Freedman (32:09):
So well, working with me would be one,
would be a good step and I saythat jokingly, but I also really
say it sincerely because thesooner that you can begin to
understand what are my optionsRight and really understand that
you have options and not getstuck in the should I stay or
(32:30):
should I go.
But I don't know how to answerthat, so I'm just going to shove
it aside for now, because what,what I don't want to see happen
for that person who is in thatshould I stay or should I go is
waking up five years from now inthe exact same place, because
you can begin to understand whatdoes it look like?
(32:52):
What is the divorce processactually look like, and maybe
you decide not to, but you atleast have an understanding of
what it is that you are notdoing and what you are choosing.
Right Because there aretrade-offs.
Right Because as you stay inyour marriage, things continue
(33:13):
to, your assets continue to grow, just different things to
consider that you might not haveotherwise considered.
So I think that really having asolid understanding of your
options and knowing that,barring any, any abuse that's
happening like that's a wholedifferent topic.
(33:34):
But if it's just that I'munhappy, there's just this we've
grown apart, which happensright, because, especially if
you marry young right and nowyou're, you know, getting ready
to be like midlife right yourpriorities change, your values
change, and so sometimes peoplejust grow apart.
It's okay and so, knowing that,like what are my options?
(33:55):
And if I choose to stay, I canbe happy, and if I choose to
leave, I can be happy.
Cary Jacobson (34:03):
And just understanding that, I think, is
so powerful.
A hundred percent.
Well, Sharri, thank you so muchfor joining me today.
Um, and the powerful work thatyou are doing with women who are
ready to reclaim their livesafter divorce.
Can you share with ourlisteners how they can learn
more about you and your services?
Can you share with ourlisteners how they can?
Sharri Freedman (34:19):
learn more about you and your services.
Sure, so my website is a greatplace to start potomacoachingcom
.
You can also find me onInstagram.
I am at your divorce coach onInstagram.
I'm on LinkedIn.
I am on Facebook.
I do have a Facebook group, butreally the best I think the
(34:40):
best place to find me would beto go to my website and then you
can sign up for my happinesshits, which is my weekly email,
and then you can learn moreabout me and how I work.
Cary Jacobson (34:49):
Awesome, and we'll be sure to put some of
those links in our show notesfor anyone who is looking to
learn more about Sharri, and ifyou or someone you know Learn
more about Sharri, and if you orsomeone you know needs legal
support through divorce, custodyor co-parenting, the team at
Jacobson Family Law is here tohelp.
Schedule your consultation atour website, jacobsonfamilylaw.
com, and don't forget tosubscribe.
(35:11):
Share this episode with afriend and leave a review if you
found it helpful.
I'm Cary Jacobson and rememberdivorce isn't the end of your
story.
Intro/Close (35:23):
Have a great day.
Thanks for joining us today onthis episode of Divorce Diaries.
Remember, every journey isunique, but you don't have to
navigate it alone.
Visit JacobsonFamilyLawcom orcall 443-726-4912 for support
and guidance.
We can't go through divorce and not change.
It's impossible.
And so when you understand froma neurological standpoint, from
a biological standpoint, from amind-body connection standpoint
, what it means to evolve youridentity, you are able to
(00:22):
maintain your power, as opposedto slipping into that victim
mentality that kind of sets youdown this rabbit hole of blame
and shame and resentment.
Intro/Close (00:35):
Welcome to Divorce Diaries, where Cary Jacobson
brings you real stories, hardtruths and practical advice on
navigating divorce and familylaw.
Whether you're going through it, considering it or just curious
, this is your place for clarity, confidence and resilience.
Cary Jacobson (00:57):
Welcome back to Divorce Diaries Lessons from the
Trenches, the podcast, where wehave honest conversations about
the realities of divorce,co-parenting and starting over,
so that you can move forwardwith clarity and confidence.
I'm your Cary Jacobson,attorney, mediator and founder
of Jacobson Family Law.
Today's guest is someone whobrings both legal expertise and
(01:18):
deep insight to the divorceprocess, Sharri Freedman.
Sharri is the founder ofPotomac Coaching, a boutique
coaching practice that supportswomen who have outgrown their
marriages and are ready toembrace what she calls the
liberated method.
Sharri's unique background as aformer divorce attorney and
certified coach allows her toguide women through both the
(01:40):
logistical and the emotionalchallenge of divorce, helping
them let go of what no longerserves them and step into a more
empowered future.
Sharri, thank you so much forbeing here.
Thank you for having me.
Well, I always like to starttalking with our guests about
their journey, so can you tellus a little bit more about your
(02:01):
journey?
I know that you have, you know,practiced as a divorce attorney
for years, so what inspired youto transition into coaching?
Sharri Freedman (02:10):
Yes, great question.
So I did.
I have practiced family law formany, many years.
I'm still hold my legal license.
I've been a divorce professionalfor now over 30 years, which is
kind of crazy to even say outloud.
And there was a time severalyears ago where I was kind of at
a crossroads, kind of thinkingI had been working part-time and
just like where, where do I gonow?
(02:32):
My children were getting older,getting ready, one was off,
getting ready to go off tocollege and kind of examining,
you know what I wanted to do,how could I help my clients more
than I was already doing?
There's a lot of conflict, asyou know, in litigated divorce,
which is kind of where I wasprimarily in that, you know,
(02:57):
getting clients ready for whatpotentially could be a court
proceeding, while most of thecases did resolve, either
through mediation or throughnegotiated settlement, it.
There there is that combativesort of battle process which
just never leaves any side happyright, and there's always.
And so in my quest for, like,what do I want to do now with my
(03:21):
life, I discovered divorcecoaching and kind of took me
down that path, did a intensivecertification, realized this is
what I'm meant to do, reallyfell in love with the ability to
help clients not just getthrough the process but really
give them what, the practices,the tools that they need to live
(03:44):
their best life post-divorce.
And so I did some divorcecoaching for a while after my
certification and then learnedabout the NIE method, which is
neuro identity evolution, whichwas a game changer.
I went through this methodologyfor myself as an entrepreneur,
(04:06):
and the tools and practices thatI learned and that I use and
embody every single day, Irealized this is this is the
missing piece.
This is what my people need inorder to really be able to not
just, like I said, get throughthe divorce but to evolve their
identity, because divorce is anidentity evolution.
Right, we can't go throughdivorce and not change.
(04:28):
It's impossible.
And so when you have the the,when you understand from a
neurological standpoint, from abiological standpoint, from a
mind body connection standpoint,what it means to evolve your
identity a mind-body connectionstandpoint, what it means to
(04:49):
evolve your identity, you areable to maintain your power, as
opposed to slipping into thatvictim mentality that kind of
sets you down this rabbit holeof blame and shame and
resentment and all those thingsthat a lot of times we find
clients in when they're in thatlitigated conflict posture.
Cary Jacobson (05:07):
Right, I'm fascinated by this.
So can you explain kind of howyou guide a client through that
process?
What does that look like on apractical?
Sharri Freedman (05:16):
matter, yeah.
So there's so many pieces thatgo into it, but sort of to
summarize it, it's reallylooking at how can I take
radical personal responsibility.
That's kind of a cornerstone ofa lot of what I teach is like
take radical personalresponsibility for your choices,
and that there's always achoice.
And so so often we findourselves thinking I don't have
(05:40):
any options, this isn't a choice, like I don't have any choices
here.
And when you step back, whenyou can zoom back a little bit
and realize, oh wait, a minute,there are choices.
It may not be good ones andoftentimes in divorce there
aren't good choices but there'salways choice.
And so really teaching clientshow to take that personal
responsibility for the choicesthat they're making, and then we
(06:04):
create a vision right, so wewill do some visioning and
really like look far ahead intothe future to identify what are
the feelings that we want to befeeling.
We don't you don't evennecessarily have to know exactly
where you want to be, whereyou're going to be living, who
you're going to be with, butit's more of an embodiment of
like how do I want to be feeling, how do I want to show up
(06:25):
through the process and beyond,and then you use that as your
anchor to bring you back to forevery decision that you need to
make.
It's like is this is thisbringing me closer to my vision
or further away?
And if it's bringing youfurther away, then you get to
stop and you get to say, okay, Isee it's bringing me further
away.
Do I want to choose this path,or do I want to come back and
say, wait a minute, maybe I wantto choose something else?
(06:48):
It really is that anchor.
The visioning is a really,really important piece that a
lot of people skip or don't evenrealize they need to be
thinking about it when they'rein it.
Right, because when you're init it's so myopic, you're so
like I just need to get totomorrow.
I can't think about a week fromnow, a month from now, three
(07:09):
years from now.
But it's so important to beable to zoom out a little bit
and think about that in order tomake those decisions.
Because if you make decisionsthat are only about today or
tomorrow, it could hurt you downthe road, because it may not be
what you actually want threeyears from now.
Cary Jacobson (07:27):
Yeah, well, I think it's difficult for people
in general much less peoplegoing through this major
transition to really sit backand think what do I want, right?
And so because many timespeople don't necessarily think
about that, they're really likejust trying to make it from one
(07:48):
day to the next, and so Itotally understand why that's
such a critical piece, but it's.
It is one that would be verydifficult for many people.
Sharri Freedman (07:58):
Yeah, and it is .
And it's because we're, we'reso used to the familiar, right,
we get, we get, we getcomfortable in the familiar,
even if the familiar isuncomfortable.
Right, like, even if you're ina situation where you're unhappy
, things are not going the waythat you had envisioned.
Maybe there's some physicalviolence or maybe there's
(08:20):
emotional abuse.
Maybe not right, maybe it'sjust, I'm just we're growing
apart, but and it'suncomfortable but the thought of
the unknown, the divorce, right, what happens, what would life
be like, is so scary and it's sounfamiliar that our system
likes to bring us back to well,maybe it's not so bad.
(08:42):
Well, maybe if we just wait,maybe things will get better,
but nothing changes if nothingchanges.
And so what I love about theliberated method, which is my
approach to doing divorcedifferent it's it's really is
that it gets you to step backand think like how can I do this
intentionally?
How can I do this?
(09:02):
Have a conscious divorce?
How can I think about this?
Have a conscious divorce, howcan I think about this in a way
that maybe I'm not thinkingabout it right now and when you,
when you're, when you begin torealize, oh, my thoughts are not
trustworthy, right, becausesometimes we can't believe a
thought we think, because ourour brain is going to feed us
all the things that it thinks wewant to hear, right, to keep us
(09:25):
in that familiar.
And so when we can kind of zoomback and go, oh wait a minute,
is that true, is that reallytrue, is that really where I
want to be?
And then have the tools andpractices to be able to shift
that, because our thoughtscreate our feelings, our
feelings drive our actions, ouractions create our reality
always, and so we get caught inthis thought loop, and so what I
(09:48):
love about this methodology isthat it gives you a way to get
out of that.
Right, we can say, oh, I don'twant to feel this way, so what
do I need to think in order notto feel that?
Or I don't want to act this way, so what do I need to feel so
that I don't act this way?
And when I feel that, I thinkdifferent, and then you get a
different result.
So if you're not happy with yourresults, you have the power to
(10:12):
change it, and it's always aboutyou, the client.
This is not about me or what Iwant.
This is always bringing it backto what do you want.
What would you do in thissituation, or what would your
future version of you do in thissituation?
And that always helps theclient be able to go oh, wait a
minute, right.
If I think about the futureversion of me, oh, she wouldn't
(10:32):
be doing that, right.
Cary Jacobson (10:36):
Yeah, and then that will impact all of the
other things.
So setting that as the anchormakes total sense.
One of the biggest strugglesmany of our clients face is that
indecision, the constant backand forth.
And you know by the timethey've called our office many
(10:56):
times they've kind of made thedecision that they're going to
divorce but it can take people along time to get there.
Divorce but it can take peoplea long time to get there.
How do you help clients get outof that?
Sharri Freedman (11:11):
cycle and start making those confident
decisions.
Yeah, so I love that.
I love that you asked me this,because I've been doing a lot of
research and work on the shouldI stay or should I go?
That indecision, like, whatmakes someone stay in a in a
marriage way longer than maybethey want to, and, um, a lot of
(11:31):
it is that we get stuck in thefamiliar right and it it's the
fear of making a mistake, right,especially for a lot of the
women that I work with.
They are, you know, successfulin their careers.
Um, they're great parents on ifyou, if you look outside, right
on paper, it looks like theyhave a perfect life right, right
(11:52):
, like they.
They've got the you know twokids and the family home and the
dog and the you know beautifulcars and the and the career, the
two income households and, ormaybe you know they.
They are fortunate that one ofthem can, you know, step back
and work part time or volunteer,but they're well educated.
Like on paper, everything looksperfect, but inside they're
(12:12):
unhappy, something's off,something's not right, and yet
it's this fear of like.
Oh my God, if I leave, I failed,I'm a failure.
Yeah, ego comes in, right, andwe all have ego, right.
And when our ego comes in,it'll shut everything down
because it's like, oh my God,what are people going to think
(12:33):
of me?
And I can't fail, I don't fail,that's not who I am.
And so it's helping clients torealize, to recognize that
you're not a failure, right, torealize, to recognize that, oh,
you're not a failure, right,your marriage ending doesn't
make you a failure.
Your marriage may have failed,but you are not a failure.
And so often we attach to thatfeeling like it's you know I'm
(12:56):
sad, right, it's not, it becomes.
You become the feeling insteadof recognizing you are not that.
Cary Jacobson (13:03):
Right, I think, feeling the worry of failing and
also feeling like you mentionedhow are people going, what are
people going to think?
You know, how are people goingto judge me, and you know that
may come out in a different way,like I'm staying for the kids
(13:25):
or you know something alongthose lines, but I think really
at the root of it, that is manyreasons why people ultimately
say is is feeling like they arefailing or wanting.
You know, not knowing howpeople are going to perceive
them.
Sharri Freedman (13:41):
Yeah, and I think the staying for the kids
comes up so often, and whatpeople don't realize, and what's
so important to understand, isthat they think they're doing
their kids a service.
Right, I'm going to stay for mykids.
My kids don't need you know.
It's not their fault that I'munhappy, or it's not their fault
that we don't get along, butyour kids are so smart, yes, and
(14:03):
they are picking up, and soit's what I always love to ask
my, my clients is you know what?
What do you?
What is the impact on your kidsseeing you and your partner not
communicating with one another,not having intimacy, maybe
sleeping in separate bedrooms?
What is that impact having onyour children?
(14:25):
What is that teaching them?
Is that the lessons that youwant to be carrying?
What are you dripping on yourkids, and is that better than
you leaving?
And yes, there's going to bepain.
Divorce is painful.
There's no way to avoid it.
Whether you want it or not,there's going to be pain, but
once you get through that,there's so much possibility.
(14:48):
If you say there's going to bepain, no matter how hard you try
to pretend that everything'sokay, your kids pick up on that,
and so it's really like oh,wait a minute.
What am I teaching them?
And when you can realize andrecognize that you're then able
to maybe make a more informedchoice Do I stay or do I go?
(15:10):
And sometimes people willchoose to stay.
And what I also love about thisliberated method is you can
choose to stay, but do itintentionally and make different
choices, because you can chooseto be happy and take ownership
of.
I'm choosing to stay and I'mgoing to do something about it.
I'm not just choosing to stayand like my life's going to be
miserable for the next 10 years,but I'm going to do something
(15:31):
about it.
I'm not just choosing to stayand like my life's going to be
miserable for the next 10 years,but I'm staying for the sake of
the kids, because then thatmakes you a martyr and thrust
you into victimhood.
Cary Jacobson (15:38):
Right.
And then also, I think theother piece to that for people
to consider if the argument is,I want to stay for the kids, is
I want to stay for the kids Evenif you are putting on the best
performance, right thateverything is wonderful and
great.
Those young adults havechallenges as well.
(16:02):
Most people will do it once thekids have left for college,
thinking that that's a bettertime, but I think that a lot of
times that that can be anotherchallenging time, because now
this young adult has thought,well, what was you know?
Was it all a lie?
And I think it's just.
It's a different, absolutelydifferent scenario, but it's
(16:26):
still impactful.
Sharri Freedman (16:35):
Absolutely.
And I've also heard from adultchildren of divorce whose
parents stayed for the sake ofthe kids.
There's a lot of resentmentfrom the children.
Why did you stay for me?
Because that puts so muchpressure on the kids that, oh my
God, my parents were miserablebecause of us.
Like they make it, their egocomes in and then that like.
So if you're trying to avoidyour kids needing therapy
because of your, your divorce,you may be creating a situation
(16:57):
anyway therapy.
So what I like to say to my, tomy clients, is your kids are
probably going to need therapy.
It may be something you did, itmay be something some kids said
to them on the playground, itcould be a teacher.
We have no idea what's going tocreate a trauma for our, for
(17:20):
our children.
So when you are able to putyourself first, it's actually
not selfish, it's actually inservice of everyone around you.
Because when you are full, whenyou are at your best, you give
all of that to to everyone else.
You're, you're operating at ahigher frequency.
And when your frequency is lowand you're in that low level
sadness, anger, frustration,resentment, bitterness you're
dripping all of thatunconsciously on everyone around
(17:42):
you.
And when you're in a higherlevel frequency.
When you're feeling joyful,when you're feeling happy,
confident, loving, compassionate, gracious, gratitude, all of
that, you're dripping all.
When you're feeling happy,confident, loving, compassionate
, gracious, gratitude, all ofthat, you're dripping all of
that on people.
So you know, you get to chooseand so what?
Cary Jacobson (18:02):
what would you rather drip on your kids?
Absolutely.
Now I know that there is lotsof fear about what comes after
divorce.
Right, like that's so much, uh,part of the, do I say or do I
go?
Um, you know whether it's fearof being alone, starting over
whether they're going to havethe financial, you know,
(18:22):
security.
How do you help women managethose fears and begin to see
divorce as an opportunityinstead of a failure, as we were
kind of talking about?
Sharri Freedman (18:33):
Yeah.
So I think part of it is, youknow, using some of my legal
wisdom and experience andhelping clients really think
about what is it like?
Getting organized first of all,and like do you know all your
assets?
Do you know what the law says?
Have you had your legalconsultation so that you have
your legal knowledge?
Because as a coach, even thoughI'm a lawyer, I can't give
(18:56):
legal advice, kind of like youas a mediator, you kind of give
general overview but you can'tgive legal advice.
So, really making sure thatclient understands you need to
have your legal knowledge andthen taking that legal knowledge
and really looking at it.
What does it mean?
Because that I can help helpthem with.
What is it that you want?
How does that work for you andyour family?
(19:16):
Um, so that that kind ofalleviates some fears.
Just knowing, like just havingsome information and then being
able to look at it from a ohokay, this is what we've got,
this is what maybe my partnerwants, this is what I want and
this is where we might be ableto get creative.
And here are all my optionslike just having a a more a
solid understanding of, likewhat the process looks like and
(19:41):
being able to come and askquestions and not worry about oh
my god, am I going to get abill for this?
Because I I need it repeated tome several times.
So just knowing that I havethat you have someone to talk,
having that sounding board andan objective perspective can be
very comforting From from thefinancial piece, because there's
(20:02):
a lot of financial fear aroundgoing from one household to two.
Whether you are the primarybreadwinner or not, whether you
know there's a lot of money or alittle bit of money to divide
up, there's always this fear oflike, are we going to be able to
make it?
Am I going to be able to?
What is my life going to looklike?
(20:23):
And so, again, it's kind ofhelping clients to put together
that kind of base, like verybasic what are my expenses, what
do I anticipate?
What information do I need togo and gather?
And then, once they haveinformation, who else might I
need on my team?
Right?
Do I need to have a CDFA or afinancial advisor or someone
(20:47):
like that?
Do I, if it's very complicated,if the finances are very
complicated, or even if they'renot, just to get some basic
understanding?
So who else do I need?
And then using the practices ofunderstanding.
Okay, from a practical, tactical, I understand the numbers, but
my system is still feelinguncomfortable because this is
(21:09):
stepping out of that zone offamiliarity.
And so the work that I get todo with my clients is, once we
have that sort of baseline, islike okay, how can we create the
internal safety?
And that's the missing.
One of the really big missingpieces is because you can have
the best strategy, you can hirethe best divorce attorney, you
(21:31):
can have the best mediator, youcan have the best financial
advisor, but if your system isnot feeling safe internally,
you're not going to make alignedchoices, you're going to be
making it from a place ofscarcity as opposed to abundance
and you will have regret.
So the work is creating thatsafety internally, which is what
(21:53):
I do with clients, and it's awhole process that we do over a
course of six months when I workwith clients privately and it's
just building internal safetyaround.
It's safe to move forward.
It's safe to have everything Idesire, desire.
It's safe to want to be happy.
(22:13):
It's safe you have peace,because for a lot of people who
have been in this sort ofchaotic household have it.
They say they want peace, peaceof mind, quiet.
But when they're in that it'sso unfamiliar system actually
wants to bring them back intothat chaos, even though the
(22:35):
chaos was so uncomfortable,right because it's what they
know.
It's what they know exactly, andso when they can understand oh
wait, a minute, my system istrying to sabotage my up level,
my wanting to be over here rightin that piece, being happy,
being calm because the other isso familiar.
(22:57):
And that's when we get thequestioning of like, did I make
a mistake?
Maybe I ought to go back, mayberight from that also mistakes
that happen in that notnecessarily going back, but in
that I just want to be donebecause the conflict gets, so
the conflict can get veryheightened.
(23:17):
Right, you have a more dominantspouse on one side and a more
codependent spouse on the otherside.
The codependent spouse can oftenjust want to get it over with.
Right, let's get it done sothat I can move on.
And when you do that from aconscious, intentional place,
yay, but when you do it from aexhausted, depleted, scarcity,
(23:43):
fearful state, you will alwaysregret it.
Right, so, being being able todiscern, what is it that I'm
feeling?
Is this intentional or is thisa giving up Rather than right,
rather than an intentionaldecision?
That this is what makes sensefor me right now, and I'm going
to own that.
Cary Jacobson (24:03):
Right, yeah, it's definitely something that we
see often, whether it's because,like you mentioned, that person
is not the dominant, you know,one in the relationship, or just
because things have dragged outfor such a long time and
they've been in this back andforth for a long time and
(24:24):
they're just over it, you know.
And so it is definitely achallenge that we see regularly,
even for those folks who arewillingly wanting out of the
relationship but it's, you know,wanting to be over and done
(24:44):
with the process sometimes.
Sharri Freedman (24:46):
Yeah, absolutely.
And I think one of themisconceptions around like
working with a coach is, oh, Ionly need to work with a coach
if it's super high conflict,right.
But really, even in an amicabledivorce there's going to be
conflict, right, there's alwayssome level of conflict.
It's just like how high is theconflict?
But this process, this reallycoming back to like who am I?
(25:12):
Who am I going to be, who do Iwant to be Like, this divorce
gives you an opportunity toalmost reinvent who you get to
be, because you've been thispartner, this spouse, a wife, a
mother, and now you're goinginto this like single parent.
Now you're going into this likesingle parent, no longer
someone's partner, you're nolonger a spouse, and that can be
(25:35):
really.
It can impact you in a way thatyou don't even realize
sometimes.
And so there's an importantgrieving process that has to
happen.
Even if you want it, even ifyou're like, or even if you're
resigned to it or accepting ofit, there's still a mourning
period, and what shocks so manyof my clients is they feel like
(25:55):
well, I've done that already,like I grieved at the very
beginning, so I'm done with that.
And then the divorce, the legaldivorce, happens and they're
like oh my god, why am I?
Why am I feeling all thesefeelings?
And it's it's because youreally truly haven't believed
the way that you need to.
There's a mourning, there'sthat when that legal paper comes
(26:15):
across right, there is amourning, a death of the
marriage of the hopes and dreams.
There's so much loss that needsto be felt in order for you to
let it go and be able to move oninto that next chapter.
Cary Jacobson (26:34):
Absolutely.
Sharri Freedman (26:35):
A lot of the work that I do with clients is I
give them awareness around thatand then space to be able to
feel what they need to feel, andso we do a lot of work on
feeling our feelings, which noneof us are taught to do right.
We're always taught, like youknow suck it up buttercup, I'll
give you something to cry aboutLike we've heard that right from
(26:57):
our parents and so we're nottaught how to actually feel, and
it's so important to be able tofeel everything.
So this is not a bypassing ofthe feelings in order to get to
a better place.
This is feeling through thefeelings to get to a better
place.
This is feeling through thefeelings to get to that better
place.
Cary Jacobson (27:13):
Absolutely.
I so many times where we've hadclients who were the person who
initiated the divorce right andthey've signed the agreement
already, and it's oftentimesduring that uncontested hearing
that there are still tears,there are, there's still those
(27:33):
feelings, you know, because thatthat made it final, and so I
totally recognize what you'resaying there, because it's like,
even though they may have beenthe one to initiate it, they
didn't necessarily go throughall of the feelings and now it's
oh, I didn't realize this wasstill here.
Sharri Freedman (27:54):
Yeah, and it's okay to have that.
And no it's okay and to expectit.
I think for a lot like asdivorce professionals, sometimes
we assume that clientsunderstand all how everything's
going to work because we've justdone it for so long.
And what always surprises me,and what I'm really mindful of
now, is that they really need itto be spoon fed almost Like,
(28:18):
okay, this is what you canexpect to happen, this is what.
Like oh, they're going to filean answer, for example, and
probably a counterclaim if it'sa contested case, if you haven't
already reached an agreement,and it's going to say all kinds
of things that are going to behurtful.
That's part of the process.
Yep, expect that, whereas.
And they're like, oh, and it'sstill going to hurt.
(28:40):
But when you know like, oh, thisis part of the process and not
like, oh, this is only happeningto me and my particular spouse
is just being a jerk, it's like,no, this is part of what
happens when we move forward ina contested Right.
It doesn't make it hurt less,but it makes it like, oh, ok, I
don't have to take it sopersonally.
(29:01):
Right, and coaching can oftenhelp with that Right.
It's like when you get stuck inthat personal, you make it
about you.
When the ego comes in.
That's when we don't make gooddecisions, right, because we're
operating from that fear.
Cary Jacobson (29:21):
Absolutely.
What is one mistake that youcommonly see clients make, and
how could they avoid it?
Sharri Freedman (29:32):
Hmm, so something that's coming to mind
for me is wanting to keep thehouse at all costs, and for some
people it makes sense to keepthe house, for others maybe not.
The mistake is not in themaking the decision.
(29:57):
The mistake is in not gettingall your knowledge, not
understanding what does it meanto keep the house?
Because it's not simply okay,we're going to work out an
agreement so that I can keep thehouse.
It's what comes later.
Can I actually afford to keepthe house?
Because you may get to keep thehouse but you might not be able
to maintain the house.
And so what have you given upin exchange to keep the house?
(30:20):
And now you actually have tosell the house anyway because
you can't maintain the house.
Not finding out if you'requalified to refinance, if your
mortgage doesn't allow anassumption.
Sometimes, oftentimes, peoplewill work out an agreement where
they refinance, they get torefinance within a certain
(30:42):
period of time, and if theydon't refinance, then the house
gets sold and they don't realize, oh, I actually don't, I'm not
going to qualify, right.
And so, again, they've given upthings.
Maybe they've given upretirement, which I see happen a
lot, and it's they're not.
It's not apples to apples.
So when you have your knowledgeof, like I understand I'm
giving up retirement and it'snot apples to apples and I'm
(31:05):
okay with that, it's beingintentional that then there's
not the regret, it's like, ohwait a minute, maybe I can find
out if I can refinance before Iagree to this, because if you
can't refinance then maybeyou're going to agree to
something else.
Right, absolutely.
So I think that's one mistakethat just I think happens a lot.
Cary Jacobson (31:27):
Yeah, we see it regularly as well, and I'm sure
you have a list of professionals.
We have lists of professionals,you know, mortgage lenders, et
cetera, and especially with youknow we lenders, et cetera, and
especially with you know wealways encourage our clients to
get that information before they, you know, make that final
(31:47):
determination, because we dowant to make sure that they know
going into it, you know, isthis the best option for us All,
right, before we end, ifsomeone is listening and just
beginning to question, you knowthat should I say or should I go
, what is the very first stepyou would recommend they take?
Sharri Freedman (32:09):
So well, working with me would be one,
would be a good step and I saythat jokingly, but I also really
say it sincerely because thesooner that you can begin to
understand what are my optionsRight and really understand that
you have options and not getstuck in the should I stay or
(32:30):
should I go.
But I don't know how to answerthat, so I'm just going to shove
it aside for now, because what,what I don't want to see happen
for that person who is in thatshould I stay or should I go is
waking up five years from now inthe exact same place, because
you can begin to understand whatdoes it look like?
(32:52):
What is the divorce processactually look like, and maybe
you decide not to, but you atleast have an understanding of
what it is that you are notdoing and what you are choosing.
Right Because there aretrade-offs.
Right Because as you stay inyour marriage, things continue
(33:13):
to, your assets continue to grow, just different things to
consider that you might not haveotherwise considered.
So I think that really having asolid understanding of your
options and knowing that,barring any, any abuse that's
happening like that's a wholedifferent topic.
(33:34):
But if it's just that I'munhappy, there's just this we've
grown apart, which happensright, because, especially if
you marry young right and nowyou're, you know, getting ready
to be like midlife right yourpriorities change, your values
change, and so sometimes peoplejust grow apart.
It's okay and so, knowing that,like what are my options?
(33:55):
And if I choose to stay, I canbe happy, and if I choose to
leave, I can be happy.
Cary Jacobson (34:03):
And just understanding that, I think, is
so powerful.
A hundred percent.
Well, Sharri, thank you so muchfor joining me today.
Um, and the powerful work thatyou are doing with women who are
ready to reclaim their livesafter divorce.
Can you share with ourlisteners how they can learn
more about you and your services?
Can you share with ourlisteners how they can?
Sharri Freedman (34:19):
learn more about you and your services.
Sure, so my website is a greatplace to start potomacoachingcom
.
You can also find me onInstagram.
I am at your divorce coach onInstagram.
I'm on LinkedIn.
I am on Facebook.
I do have a Facebook group, butreally the best I think the
(34:40):
best place to find me would beto go to my website and then you
can sign up for my happinesshits, which is my weekly email,
and then you can learn moreabout me and how I work.
Cary Jacobson (34:49):
Awesome, and we'll be sure to put some of
those links in our show notesfor anyone who is looking to
learn more about Sharri, and ifyou or someone you know Learn
more about Sharri, and if you orsomeone you know needs legal
support through divorce, custodyor co-parenting, the team at
Jacobson Family Law is here tohelp.
Schedule your consultation atour website, jacobsonfamilylaw.
com, and don't forget tosubscribe.
(35:11):
Share this episode with afriend and leave a review if you
found it helpful.
I'm Cary Jacobson and rememberdivorce isn't the end of your
story.
Intro/Close (35:23):
Have a great day.
Thanks for joining us today onthis episode of Divorce Diaries.
Remember, every journey isunique, but you don't have to
navigate it alone.
Visit JacobsonFamilyLawcom orcall 443-726-4912 for support
and guidance.
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