June 10, 2025 • 35 mins
Everyone has the right to know where they come from. They deserve to know their family history, stories and traditions. They have the right to know where their features come from and who else shares their aptitudes and interests. And just as importantly, or may most importantly of all, they have the right to know their medical history.
In this week’s episode, Courtney shares why her discovery wasn’t a surprise to her. It wasn’t particularly upsetting, either. But what has brought up some frustration and anger is the fact that her discovery uncovered important medical information.
She shares how she learned the truth, what happened when she confronted her mother, and how she’s exploring relationships with her newfound family.
Thank you for sharing your story, Courtney.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Going through the medical stuff,I'm one of the lucky siblings.
I don't have the genetic mutation, but that is the piece
when I had to go through the genetic counseling to have the
testing done, the genetic counselor said something she's
like, this could be life saving information for you and for your
children. And that piece just hit me in a
(00:20):
pretty profound way that I didn't even think about.
And that's where, you know, I'vebeen pretty irritated with my
mom not wanting to ever share that with me, that this could
have caused me to not be around for a long time and my kids to
have a higher risk of cancer. Welcome to DNA Surprises, a
(00:43):
podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA
discoveries. I'm your host, Alexis Oursalt.
In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out
that I'm an NPE, a person who has experienced a non paternal
event. In other words, my biological
(01:04):
father isn't who I thought he was.
Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees and
donor conceived people and theirfamilies.
Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin
with a simple DNA test. This is DNA surprises.
(01:24):
Everyone has the right to know where they come from.
They deserve to know their family history, stories, and
traditions. They have the right to know
where their features come from and who else shares their
aptitudes and interests. And just as importantly, or
maybe most importantly of all, they have the right to know
(01:45):
their medical history. In this week's episode, Courtney
shares why her discovery wasn't a surprise to her.
It wasn't particularly upsettingeither, but what has brought up
some frustration and anger is the fact that her discovery
uncovered important medical information.
(02:05):
She shares how she learned the truth, what happened when she
confronted her mother, and how she's exploring relationships
with her new found family. Thank you for sharing your
story, Courtney. Hi, I'm Courtney, I am 40 and I
live in the metro area outside of Denver, Co, so mine's pretty
(02:27):
new. I just found out in August of
2024. But it wasn't a huge surprise.
I think I always knew as a youngchild.
I'm a middle child, but I'm muchyounger than my oldest sister.
She's 13 years older than me andthen my brother is 3 years
younger than I am. But both of them look very
(02:49):
different from me. I'm much shorter than them.
I'm the only one that has light colored hair, light eyes, light
skin. They're all dark hair, darker
skinned. They can tan.
I can't tan ever so we I would always joke that somebody was
not related. I'd be like, mom Are you sure?
(03:11):
I never had a really good relationship with the man that
raised me. He's very unhealthy.
He had a lot of mental health issues, some substance abuse
issues, and he was pretty abusive.
So I separated myself from him as an adult and haven't had any
real contact with him in the last like 15 years, outside of
(03:32):
seeing him when his mom passed away in 2019 I want to say.
So I haven't seen him, talk to him, I avoid him at all costs
and that really wasn't very hardfor me to be done with him,
whereas it's been harder for my older sister and my younger
brother. My grandfather on my mom's side
(03:56):
had done genealogy work for his church.
I'd always been fascinated by looking at the trees.
And he said he could trace my lineage back to Adam and Eve.
It's not super accurate, but he at least does go back pretty far
in the records. And so this past year, I had
started at work, work in like the child welfare area, and I
(04:20):
was the supervisor of the team and we do FamilySearch.
So it's very similar to genealogy work or FamilySearch,
but it is more for children or young people who are involved in
the child protection system and finding relatives for them that
could be placement and or supports.
Somebody I was supervising had told me that they'd done an
ancestry test and how cool it was and how much it was helping
(04:43):
them and building family trees and learning the process.
So when Prime came around this past summer, I was like, Oh
yeah, that's like 39 bucks. This sounds like a great idea.
So I got it, sat for a little bit and then I did it.
I wasn't expecting anything. My husband and I and our two
kids had gone up to see my mom and I was just joking with her
(05:05):
about is there anything you needto tell me?
My DNA results should be coming in.
So now's your time. You think I have any half
siblings out there? I don't know.
I was joking about it a lot and my husband was pretty mad at me
that I would be so harsh to my mom, but she didn't even flinch.
Didn't even flinch. So the next week when I got the
(05:26):
e-mail saying my results are in,I was sitting on my couch with
my daughter. My husband was at work.
I didn't even think about it. I opened it up and the first
thing I see is that I've matchedwith my biological father and it
has his name. I've never heard this name
before. I thought well maybe the man
that raised me put had done a test and he did some kind of
shady stuff so maybe he put his name as something different.
(05:49):
But I didn't. I didn't even know what to do so
I just screenshotted it and sentit to my husband who then
promptly called me and was like what does this mean?
I just was laughing 'cause I. It was the craziest surprise but
not really a surprise. Like I guess this makes a lot of
sense. So then it went into Googling
(06:09):
everything and he had passed andwe found his obituary pretty
quickly. I came to find out he was a
pretty high profile member of the community where I was born.
I was born in a different state and had moved to Colorado when I
was about 5. It's a very different world from
the state I was born in, very different cultures, religions,
(06:32):
all of those things. So I was, I'm looking at this
man's face and he looks so old. I can't figure out what had
happened. Like, how does this happen?
How is this very old man my father?
And then I have to realize it's been 40 years.
So it was a big process reading that there's very high-ranking
(06:52):
member. Yeah, it was very overwhelming.
You fall victim to the Prime Day.
Deal, which so many of us, myself included, that is how we
uncover our surprise, is we justtake advantage of a deal, take
the test. However, it's not necessarily a
bad thing. Is that fair to say because you
(07:14):
were not close to your father who you thought was your
biological father? Did you approach it with more
just like curiosity? Were you upset at all to learn
this information? No, I think that was the
strangest pieces. I didn't.
I really haven't been angry up until recently, and that has
more to do with just confrontingsome of those things with my
(07:36):
mom. But I I laughed like it was and
all I could feel was kind of some relief and validation
'cause I knew something wasn't right.
It's something I've heard through a lot of other stories
where people have been like, it just didn't feel right and I
never quite put my finger on it.And then once it happened, it's
all just clicked into place. And even things about my
(07:59):
personality, like my interests, what I do for work, all of that
stuff has made a whole lot more sense now than any of the other
stuff. What did you learn being you
learned that he's a high profileperson in a community that's
very different than yours. What else do you learn?
I learned. That he had developed a program
(08:22):
at a college that was eventuallynamed after him that would help
people from lower socioeconomic statuses or just different
backgrounds get their high school diploma, get training,
things like that. He worked really hard, and then
he was in the legislature, so a lot of stuff around laws.
(08:43):
And that piece has always been something I've been very good
at. And public service is what I've
been doing since I graduated from college.
Just reading about some of the things he'd done it, I was like,
wow, that is very similar to what I've been working on.
(09:04):
I also found out that I had, well, I have six older, 6 new
older half siblings. So I went from having two
siblings to now 8, seven of which are older than me and then
one that's younger. And then I, through Facebook,
it's amazing how much people post online.
(09:25):
I was able to find out how he had passed and then some other
very important medical information that kind of
expedited the decisions I was making about making contact
since he was deceased. So I found out things around
genetic concerns that I had a 5050 chance of having.
So that didn't give me a whole lot of time to sit.
(09:48):
I'm 40. I had just gone through all of
the medical questions, all of these things around like does
anybody have cancer? All of that.
And that had all changed. Very.
Quickly, did you actually reach out to these siblings then?
I did. I reached out to Soya so matched
with an aunt so his younger sister.
(10:08):
I reached out to her on Ancestry.
Quickly figured out that nobody checks that stuff.
So then I went down the Facebookhole and I was able to find four
of the six siblings contact information.
I started messaging them on Facebook but that just went into
like a black hole of messages where they didn't see anything.
And I told my mom and my husbandI would give it 2 solid weeks of
(10:32):
attempts. I would do what I do for work to
try to make contact with people.So phone, text, e-mail,
Facebook. And then the last step was
letters. So I had mailed letters to all
six of the siblings. Just, you know, who I was, How I
found out that they didn't, I wasn't expecting anything from
(10:56):
them. I wanted to know medical
information and if they wanted to have a relationship with me,
I was open to that. And then my mom had had the
genius idea of going through thechurch and was able to contact
one of the children's bishops, sent him an e-mail.
So the same day that I mailed the letters, my mom got a phone
(11:21):
call from one of my half siblings, like one of my half
brothers who had been contacted by the church.
And then he made contact with mymom.
Wow. Yeah.
OK. So your mom is helping then in
this quest? Yes.
So take me back after you had this discovery, how soon did you
(11:46):
talk to your mom? So after I talked to my husband,
it was probably an hour. I'm not a patient person.
I never have been, and I'd rather just know.
So I called her and I kind of hinted at things.
She wouldn't give me anything. She didn't even hesitate around
any of it. And so I was like, well, maybe
(12:07):
she doesn't want to talk. And I was worried something like
this had been a bad thing. Like I don't, I didn't know how
I was conceived. I didn't know.
And so I took the same screenshot I sent my husband and
I sent it to her. And she immediately Facetimed me
because we live far enough away that we just can't get in the
car and come. So she said she wanted to do
(12:29):
this. She knew it was coming, but she
wanted to tell me face to face as best as she could.
And so she told me that she'd had an affair with her boss and
confirmed that he was my dad. She wasn't always sure she'd had
her suspicions, but he had askedthat she take care of me and
(12:49):
that he could not be involved 'cause he didn't want to ruin
his family. And so then both of them just
kept these secrets for very longtime.
She did say he met me when I wasa baby and that she'd told
nobody. So you're birth certificate
father did not know? She says no, I truly don't.
(13:13):
I mean once I found this out some of the things started to
get pieced together. I had remembered like her
talking about somebody that she had loved that she had worked
with, but because they were bothmarried it wasn't possible.
And my the dad that raised me, he had made like comments about
(13:33):
my mom cheating on him and stuff.
But that was where it stopped. So then to hear all of this,
like all of the pieces started coming together.
I was like, so this is the person you were talking about?
And she confirmed it was. She's been fairly open about
sharing. As much as I want to know, they
had a very long term affair for several years they were
(13:55):
together. I do believe my mom really loved
him. And I just think because of
where they were at, it wouldn't have worked out for anybody.
I don't blame her for not telling me.
The man that raised me was not agood person and it would have
been very, very bad if he had found out.
And so I do think there was somelike level of protection there.
(14:18):
When I said that the anger hasn't come about until
recently, my mom is pretty adamant that she would have
never told me she wanted to takethis to the grave and she never
wanted me to find out. And I've that piece I told her I
think is very unfair and incredibly selfish because it's
not hers anymore, it's mine and just shared all of that impact
(14:42):
with her going through the medical stuff.
I'm one of the lucky siblings. I don't have the genetic
mutation, but that is the piece.When I had to go through the
genetic counseling to have the testing done, the genetic
counselor said something she's like, this could be life saving
information for you and for yourchildren.
And that piece just hit me in a pretty profound way that I
(15:04):
didn't even think about. And that's where, you know, I've
been pretty irritated with my mom not wanting to ever share
that with me, that this could have caused me to not be around
for a long time and my kids to have a higher risk of cancer.
Yeah, After you shared that piece with her, the the level of
(15:29):
impact that this information had, what was her reaction?
Has she expressed any remorse for keeping the secret from you
even though she planned to take it to the grave?
I think it's really hard for herknowing the culture she like
where how she grew up. Like she had my sister when she
(15:49):
was 17, she was forced to get married.
Nobody would really help if things were bad.
So like when she went to her parents or when she went to the
church saying, talking about abuse, everybody just said like,
this is you made your bed, you get to lie in it.
And so I think that has created kind of a person who has to
(16:12):
protect themselves. So I have so much empathy for
her, but she's not willing to budget on that.
She'll say things like, well, ifI had known about the cancer,
then I would have said somethingif I would have known about
this. She's like, that's why I helped
you because I don't want anything bad to happen to you
and I don't want you to be hurt.But I didn't want this to be
(16:33):
reopened. So we're like, I've set some
pretty per firm boundaries with her, which she's not happy
about, but she's doing well with.
And I'm encouraging her to seek some of her own kind of
therapeutic support to kind of process through the years and
years and years of stuff that she's just got buried.
(16:56):
What do some of those boundarieslook like?
I've talked. To five of my six siblings.
Now there's only one that's kindof a holdout, but there's things
like I got a bunch of Christmas cards and pictures from them for
Christmas. So my mom was coming over to see
our kids and spend some time with us after Christmas and I
told her there's going to be pictures on the fridge.
(17:18):
I'm not taking them down. I'm not going to hide it.
I'm very open with my kids aboutit, everybody.
I'm open with people about this.But I'm not going to talk to her
about specific things like I won't talk to her about my
feelings. I won't ask her any of her
feelings. Like I'm just, I have to be able
(17:39):
to do this on my own and go walkthrough this by myself without
regard for her feelings that makes.
Sense, even though you do have, I can tell you have a lot of
empathy for her and the things that she has been through in her
life. And it it maybe explains some of
the choices that she made, but it doesn't excuse the choices
(18:00):
that she made, right? That is right on.
Yeah, it's a I mean, she had a life that I am amazed that she
pulled herself out of and is in a position she's in.
And I see the man that raised meand the path that he's on and
where he's at, it's pretty remarkable.
Like my mom stepped away. She has a house.
(18:23):
She's still working. I don't think she'll ever stop
working. And she's open to feedback and
she listens to me and she's willing to walk through this,
like willing to call a therapist.
So I have to appreciate that. But I'm still really upset about
this. So what did?
Your raised siblings think of all this.
(18:44):
You said you're very open about it with everyone.
My. Older sister I don't have a
relationship with. She had a much different
childhood, being raised by two teen parents, were forced to get
married, and then one was significant issues.
She's doing her own thing in a different state and she's 13
(19:04):
years older than me. She left when she was 17, so I
was 4, my brother was 1. So she still sees us as very
young kids and has a hard time kind of relating to it.
She'll say things like you guys had a perfect childhood and I
was the one. So it's just not healthy.
(19:24):
My younger brother is was very matter of fact and he's like,
OK, that makes a whole lot of sense.
He's an engineer. He processes things very
differently and he's like, well,it doesn't change anything.
Like you're still my sister. And I think it's taken him some
time to kind of go through it. So I've been trying to figure
out what information he wants and then when it's too much, I
(19:48):
didn't know how he was going to take it and I wasn't sure I was
going to tell him. And then I told my mom we have
to tell him. I'm not keeping this from him.
And so she was the one that asked to tell him.
So she didn't. And.
What about your new found siblings?
Were they surprised to learn that their father had an affair?
(20:10):
What was their reaction? So it was the same reaction I
had. They were surprised, but they
weren't surprised. All of them knew about my mom,
so it had been part of their upbringing.
They knew their dad had had affairs.
My mom was the first of three. I've come to find out.
(20:31):
And so we'll joke and be like, there could be some other ones,
who knows. We'll see what comes.
But the five I've spoken to havebeen really great.
I've met two of them in person. The youngest 2 are twins and
they are five years older than me.
And so I've been able to meet both of them in person and
(20:51):
they're a ton of fun. I've been able to like we did.
I did a Zoom call with two of mysisters, and it's one of those
things where I never really knewwhere I got some of my features
from or some of my mannerisms, 'cause they're so different from
my other siblings. And I'm looking at a screen and
(21:12):
watching somebody mirror my face.
The way we kind of turn, they all laughed, 'cause I was like,
I can send you guys proof of this.
And they're like, Nope. We looked at your picture,
you've got our chin. You know, it's been a very
unique experience. But yeah, it's unlike anything
I've ever experienced. But they've been really great.
(21:33):
The oldest brother that I talkedto, he's much older than me,
like 20 years older than me. So he has children my age and
then who have grandchildren older than my children.
So it's, it's very unique. And my husband and I laugh,
'cause my husband's an only child.
My brother doesn't plan on having children.
(21:54):
So when we had our first child, I was like, well, I think we
need to have two 'cause there's like nobody.
They have nobody. And now they have a lot of
cousins, like a lot. And it's almost overwhelming
thinking about just the number of people that have now come
under my family tree. Do you?
(22:16):
Feel pretty welcomed by them. Like do you feel like your
family so to speak? I mean it hasn't been that long
so I know it takes time to buildthe relationship but I'm
curious. That is one of the.
Strangest things like not knowing, I was like, well, what
does this mean? They're all very close.
They talk. I had messages with all of them
(22:37):
that same night that the brotherhad shared with them.
I've talked to them. I've met two of them.
One of them has been out here twice.
I met him in October and then I met both of them in December.
Like they're like, well, hope you know, our side's
Thanksgiving is next year enoughwhen we use our the language and
stuff. And I was like, I don't know
(22:57):
what to call you. And they're like, well, we're
calling you our sibling. We're not going to talk about
this half stuff. You're our sibling.
I now have this many sisters andthis many brothers sending
pictures, sending Christmas cards, All of those things has
been. Sometimes it's very overwhelming
and I'm just trying to go with it as much as I can and not be
(23:20):
too afraid of the possibilities.But it is.
It's a lot. How have?
Your kids taken it. They're pretty young.
My oldest is 4, the other one isgoing to be two here shortly.
The four year old thinks this isthe greatest thing in the world
because now she has more uncles.We've started to use like this
is your uncle so and so. And that's why I have pictures
(23:41):
up. There's like these weird little
things like my oldest has red hair.
We had no idea where the red hair came from.
Nobody else in the family had had red hair since my mom's mom.
But none of my cousins, none of their children had red hair.
Here's my little redhead. And then my biological father
(24:02):
had red hair and my oldest has the same color red hair as a ton
of her cousins. So it's just, it's very
fascinating how those genes have.
Come. Through and I, you know, I used
to be a big that nature versus nurturer being in child
protection and stuff. And we, you know, you kind of
(24:23):
argue about that and I'm having a very humbling moment thinking
about how much genes like what an impact that has on a person
and how important that is. Well, that.
Is a perfect segue to a questionthat I wanted to ask you because
you work in child welfare in this community where we have
adoption and these family relationships, people have had
(24:46):
complicated family dynamics and all of those things come into
play with Child Protective Services and child welfare.
So in addition to the nature versus nurture conversation, how
has your DNA surprise impacted the work that you do?
I think it's further just my belief in how important it is to
(25:08):
maintain those family relationships.
We've done a lot of work on ensuring that we place with
family when possible, and more often than not we are placing
with family. But then even when that's not
possible, how do we maintain those familial connections?
For majority of my time I workedwith teenagers and so I'd worked
(25:31):
with teenagers who'd been adopted through the system and
then those disrupted adoptions would disrupt and they would re
enter care. There was conflict around want
them wanting to have contact with their birth families.
I've seen kids come from some ofthe most horrific abuse
imaginable and still want to have contact and still want to
(25:53):
know the their birth family and seeking that out.
And so it's changed and more of like, how do we make this safe
and how can we support this as asystem?
And that is this just further cemented that like, I'm like,
well, yes, now I'm going to be completely biased that this is
(26:14):
incredibly important. Yeah.
You mentioned that your mother was the first of three affairs
that your biological father had.Are there any questions about
the potential for additional siblings being out there?
They don't think so. What I do know is that my
(26:35):
biological father did share withhis wife at some point.
I have not been able to clarify this but he did tell her about
me and the potential that I was his because my sisters told me
that about a year ago. Their mom had told them I think
you have 1/2 sister out there. I remember meeting her as a baby
(26:56):
but I don't know and they were like well how?
How do you go about finding this?
So the sisters had heard about me.
The rest are all boys. So it's four boys, 2 girls.
The boys had no idea, so they were more shocked, but their mom
had told them that I was out there and their mom has said
that like she came to one of my baby showers and that she
(27:17):
remembers me as a baby. So I don't know when she found
out about me or if she's known all along.
They did say she wants to meet me and she wants to talk to me
and that she's been asking to make sure that I'm OK.
Oh. Wow, that's really kind.
And how serendipitous that she told them about you right before
(27:40):
you had your discovery. The timing.
Is very, very strange 'cause when I looked at Ancestry, my
birth father had taken the test to almost 10 years exactly to
when I got my results. So he joined in August of 2014
(28:01):
and then I got mine in August of2024.
So there's I was like, that's very strange, 10 years.
He passed in 2021, so he's been gone for several years at this
point. When I first looked at the data,
I was like, that seems like a long time ago and he'd put his
stuff on some of the other DNA websites.
(28:23):
I have to wonder if he did that for me to find him.
That's the only thing I know, 'cause I'm like, if you know you
have a potential kid out there, not many people are going to
take DNA tests unless they're. Ready to match?
With them right, they're not going.
To put themselves out there. Yeah, yeah.
What questions do you still havefor your mother or I know that
(28:47):
you can't ask him, but for your birth father, I think I would
want to know from him. And this is probably something
I'll eventually ask his wife. Is did he ever wonder about
meeting me or want to and why I I truly do not understand how
you can see a baby, know they'reyours and just step away.
(29:11):
I can't imagine doing that and then I also can't.
I'm like how do you keep this secret for 40 years?
Those are more questions I have and I'm hoping his wife can give
me some idea or insight into, but other than that I think my
mom's been really open. I hope she does some work of her
(29:33):
own. What's?
Next for you, are you going to spend Thanksgiving with you?
I don't know, with your newfoundfamily?
This. Oh my gosh, that.
Sounds so overwhelming. I always laugh because
Thanksgiving is one of my favorite times because it's
quiet there's like five of us, we're in pajamas.
It's very mellow, very laid backand I'm thinking about how you
fit that many people in a house with that many children.
(29:56):
I can't even I don't know it's, I will probably go just to
experience it, but it's going tobe a lot.
I do plan on taking a road trip as soon as we can kind of get
through some of the things we'vegot going on, but probably
spring, early summer to see how many people I can meet before
(30:16):
then. That's exciting.
It's really. Nice to hear a story where you
know, it's not that it was just fine that that happened right?
Like it's, it's still not OK to have that secret kept from you,
but to see how well you're handling it and how you're
navigating it is, is really inspiring.
(30:37):
I I. Applaud the EMDR.
I laugh because we were. So I've been doing therapy to
deal with like past trauma from childhood and stuff.
And I had done EMDR and it is the greatest thing I've ever
done. It's really, I'm like, if I had
found this out five years ago before I'd done that, I would be
(30:58):
a mess. But really just being able to
kind of calm myself and center has been incredibly helpful.
And just knowing that I can get through this just like a lot of
other things. But my therapist and I were in
the process of me being done with therapy after so many years
of doing this. We were going to end things at
(31:19):
the end of the year, and when I called her, I was like, I need
an appointment. She's like, what's going on?
You never called me for appointments.
It's like, well, I guess we're not going to be ending therapy
for a little while. So.
But EMDR has been my yeah, it's been what has helped me probably
the most. I.
I cosign EMDR has been instrumental for me too.
(31:41):
It's you know, everybody has to find something that works for
them. But many people that I talked to
have sung the praises of EMDR aswell.
Is there anything else that's been super helpful to you as you
navigate this? I think just being able to
breathe through some stuff, I think there's been times where
I've been so overwhelmed that I feel like I've lost my breath
(32:04):
and that just grounding myself, knowing I don't have to solve
everything right now, that I'm not going to have any idea what
I'm doing. This is a long term piece but
really I've tried to go into this without any expectations.
I have no idea what kind of relationship I'm going to have
(32:24):
with this new found family. I don't know how things are
going to go if Thanksgiving is going to happen.
I don't know. But I'm just trying to find a
lot of the positives in those interactions I have and
extending myself a little bit more than I usually do, like
sending them messages, sending them pictures, maybe posting
(32:47):
things on Facebook that I never posted before, just so I can be
open to whatever possibilities there are that's.
Great. What advice do you have for a
parent who is keeping adna surprise from their child?
Tell them when I think about what that genetic counselor said
to me, that that information canbe life saving.
(33:10):
Tell them there isn't going to be a good time or a right time
if you don't tell them right away.
The next best time is right now and let them go through it.
It's their process and they can handle it.
What? Advice do you have for someone
who just uncovered adna surprise?
(33:31):
This is the hardest part becauseI think I listened to so many
podcasts and I did all sorts of research when I found out,
'cause I had no idea this was a thing, and now I've realized
that it is. It's a very big thing and we are
a pretty big community that's growing.
I think. Find ways to distract yourself.
It's incredibly overwhelming andtoo much for any person to
(33:57):
handle right away. Break it down.
It doesn't have to be solved tomorrow.
We don't have to get through everything, but just find those
things that bring you joy. It's finding those little
moments where you can distract yourself so you're not thinking
about it constantly. Music, that's been my big one,
going and doing things with my kids.
(34:19):
But just giving myself a little bit of a break from all of this
overwhelming stuff. That's a good.
Piece of advice to give yourselfa break 'cause it's so much, so
much, especially in the beginning.
Yeah, it's so. Much and it keeps you up and it
invades everything and it can besuper triggering.
(34:39):
I think I was taking my daughterto go see Moana and she's like,
mom, why do I have red hair? It's just like those little
things. And it just completely washed
over me. And so I have to really find
those times where I'm not thinking about it and I'm doing
something that's there's absolutely no way something's
(34:59):
going to get brought up or triggered.
Courtney. Thank you so much for coming on
the podcast and sharing your story.
I know that you will help othersby sharing your journey.
I wish you the best and keep me posted on Thanksgiving.
Thank you. Thanks again to Courtney for
sharing her story. If you have adna surprise that
(35:20):
you'd like to share, please submit your story at
dnasurprises.com and for early ad free access to episodes, be
sure to join me over on patreon@patreon.com/DNA
Surprises. Until next time, This episode of
(35:41):
DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited by me,
Alexis Ourselt. It was mixed and mastered by
Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.
Going through the medical stuff,I'm one of the lucky siblings.
I don't have the genetic mutation, but that is the piece
when I had to go through the genetic counseling to have the
testing done, the genetic counselor said something she's
like, this could be life saving information for you and for your
children. And that piece just hit me in a
(00:20):
pretty profound way that I didn't even think about.
And that's where, you know, I'vebeen pretty irritated with my
mom not wanting to ever share that with me, that this could
have caused me to not be around for a long time and my kids to
have a higher risk of cancer. Welcome to DNA Surprises, a
(00:43):
podcast that delves into the world of unexpected DNA
discoveries. I'm your host, Alexis Oursalt.
In July 2021, my life took a surprising turn when I found out
that I'm an NPE, a person who has experienced a non paternal
event. In other words, my biological
(01:04):
father isn't who I thought he was.
Join me as we explore the stories of NP, ES, adoptees and
donor conceived people and theirfamilies.
Get ready to unravel the astonishing journeys that begin
with a simple DNA test. This is DNA surprises.
(01:24):
Everyone has the right to know where they come from.
They deserve to know their family history, stories, and
traditions. They have the right to know
where their features come from and who else shares their
aptitudes and interests. And just as importantly, or
maybe most importantly of all, they have the right to know
(01:45):
their medical history. In this week's episode, Courtney
shares why her discovery wasn't a surprise to her.
It wasn't particularly upsettingeither, but what has brought up
some frustration and anger is the fact that her discovery
uncovered important medical information.
(02:05):
She shares how she learned the truth, what happened when she
confronted her mother, and how she's exploring relationships
with her new found family. Thank you for sharing your
story, Courtney. Hi, I'm Courtney, I am 40 and I
live in the metro area outside of Denver, Co, so mine's pretty
(02:27):
new. I just found out in August of
2024. But it wasn't a huge surprise.
I think I always knew as a youngchild.
I'm a middle child, but I'm muchyounger than my oldest sister.
She's 13 years older than me andthen my brother is 3 years
younger than I am. But both of them look very
(02:49):
different from me. I'm much shorter than them.
I'm the only one that has light colored hair, light eyes, light
skin. They're all dark hair, darker
skinned. They can tan.
I can't tan ever so we I would always joke that somebody was
not related. I'd be like, mom Are you sure?
(03:11):
I never had a really good relationship with the man that
raised me. He's very unhealthy.
He had a lot of mental health issues, some substance abuse
issues, and he was pretty abusive.
So I separated myself from him as an adult and haven't had any
real contact with him in the last like 15 years, outside of
(03:32):
seeing him when his mom passed away in 2019 I want to say.
So I haven't seen him, talk to him, I avoid him at all costs
and that really wasn't very hardfor me to be done with him,
whereas it's been harder for my older sister and my younger
brother. My grandfather on my mom's side
(03:56):
had done genealogy work for his church.
I'd always been fascinated by looking at the trees.
And he said he could trace my lineage back to Adam and Eve.
It's not super accurate, but he at least does go back pretty far
in the records. And so this past year, I had
started at work, work in like the child welfare area, and I
(04:20):
was the supervisor of the team and we do FamilySearch.
So it's very similar to genealogy work or FamilySearch,
but it is more for children or young people who are involved in
the child protection system and finding relatives for them that
could be placement and or supports.
Somebody I was supervising had told me that they'd done an
ancestry test and how cool it was and how much it was helping
(04:43):
them and building family trees and learning the process.
So when Prime came around this past summer, I was like, Oh
yeah, that's like 39 bucks. This sounds like a great idea.
So I got it, sat for a little bit and then I did it.
I wasn't expecting anything. My husband and I and our two
kids had gone up to see my mom and I was just joking with her
(05:05):
about is there anything you needto tell me?
My DNA results should be coming in.
So now's your time. You think I have any half
siblings out there? I don't know.
I was joking about it a lot and my husband was pretty mad at me
that I would be so harsh to my mom, but she didn't even flinch.
Didn't even flinch. So the next week when I got the
(05:26):
e-mail saying my results are in,I was sitting on my couch with
my daughter. My husband was at work.
I didn't even think about it. I opened it up and the first
thing I see is that I've matchedwith my biological father and it
has his name. I've never heard this name
before. I thought well maybe the man
that raised me put had done a test and he did some kind of
shady stuff so maybe he put his name as something different.
(05:49):
But I didn't. I didn't even know what to do so
I just screenshotted it and sentit to my husband who then
promptly called me and was like what does this mean?
I just was laughing 'cause I. It was the craziest surprise but
not really a surprise. Like I guess this makes a lot of
sense. So then it went into Googling
(06:09):
everything and he had passed andwe found his obituary pretty
quickly. I came to find out he was a
pretty high profile member of the community where I was born.
I was born in a different state and had moved to Colorado when I
was about 5. It's a very different world from
the state I was born in, very different cultures, religions,
(06:32):
all of those things. So I was, I'm looking at this
man's face and he looks so old. I can't figure out what had
happened. Like, how does this happen?
How is this very old man my father?
And then I have to realize it's been 40 years.
So it was a big process reading that there's very high-ranking
(06:52):
member. Yeah, it was very overwhelming.
You fall victim to the Prime Day.
Deal, which so many of us, myself included, that is how we
uncover our surprise, is we justtake advantage of a deal, take
the test. However, it's not necessarily a
bad thing. Is that fair to say because you
(07:14):
were not close to your father who you thought was your
biological father? Did you approach it with more
just like curiosity? Were you upset at all to learn
this information? No, I think that was the
strangest pieces. I didn't.
I really haven't been angry up until recently, and that has
more to do with just confrontingsome of those things with my
(07:36):
mom. But I I laughed like it was and
all I could feel was kind of some relief and validation
'cause I knew something wasn't right.
It's something I've heard through a lot of other stories
where people have been like, it just didn't feel right and I
never quite put my finger on it.And then once it happened, it's
all just clicked into place. And even things about my
(07:59):
personality, like my interests, what I do for work, all of that
stuff has made a whole lot more sense now than any of the other
stuff. What did you learn being you
learned that he's a high profileperson in a community that's
very different than yours. What else do you learn?
I learned. That he had developed a program
(08:22):
at a college that was eventuallynamed after him that would help
people from lower socioeconomic statuses or just different
backgrounds get their high school diploma, get training,
things like that. He worked really hard, and then
he was in the legislature, so a lot of stuff around laws.
(08:43):
And that piece has always been something I've been very good
at. And public service is what I've
been doing since I graduated from college.
Just reading about some of the things he'd done it, I was like,
wow, that is very similar to what I've been working on.
(09:04):
I also found out that I had, well, I have six older, 6 new
older half siblings. So I went from having two
siblings to now 8, seven of which are older than me and then
one that's younger. And then I, through Facebook,
it's amazing how much people post online.
(09:25):
I was able to find out how he had passed and then some other
very important medical information that kind of
expedited the decisions I was making about making contact
since he was deceased. So I found out things around
genetic concerns that I had a 5050 chance of having.
So that didn't give me a whole lot of time to sit.
(09:48):
I'm 40. I had just gone through all of
the medical questions, all of these things around like does
anybody have cancer? All of that.
And that had all changed. Very.
Quickly, did you actually reach out to these siblings then?
I did. I reached out to Soya so matched
with an aunt so his younger sister.
(10:08):
I reached out to her on Ancestry.
Quickly figured out that nobody checks that stuff.
So then I went down the Facebookhole and I was able to find four
of the six siblings contact information.
I started messaging them on Facebook but that just went into
like a black hole of messages where they didn't see anything.
And I told my mom and my husbandI would give it 2 solid weeks of
(10:32):
attempts. I would do what I do for work to
try to make contact with people.So phone, text, e-mail,
Facebook. And then the last step was
letters. So I had mailed letters to all
six of the siblings. Just, you know, who I was, How I
found out that they didn't, I wasn't expecting anything from
(10:56):
them. I wanted to know medical
information and if they wanted to have a relationship with me,
I was open to that. And then my mom had had the
genius idea of going through thechurch and was able to contact
one of the children's bishops, sent him an e-mail.
So the same day that I mailed the letters, my mom got a phone
(11:21):
call from one of my half siblings, like one of my half
brothers who had been contacted by the church.
And then he made contact with mymom.
Wow. Yeah.
OK. So your mom is helping then in
this quest? Yes.
So take me back after you had this discovery, how soon did you
(11:46):
talk to your mom? So after I talked to my husband,
it was probably an hour. I'm not a patient person.
I never have been, and I'd rather just know.
So I called her and I kind of hinted at things.
She wouldn't give me anything. She didn't even hesitate around
any of it. And so I was like, well, maybe
(12:07):
she doesn't want to talk. And I was worried something like
this had been a bad thing. Like I don't, I didn't know how
I was conceived. I didn't know.
And so I took the same screenshot I sent my husband and
I sent it to her. And she immediately Facetimed me
because we live far enough away that we just can't get in the
car and come. So she said she wanted to do
(12:29):
this. She knew it was coming, but she
wanted to tell me face to face as best as she could.
And so she told me that she'd had an affair with her boss and
confirmed that he was my dad. She wasn't always sure she'd had
her suspicions, but he had askedthat she take care of me and
(12:49):
that he could not be involved 'cause he didn't want to ruin
his family. And so then both of them just
kept these secrets for very longtime.
She did say he met me when I wasa baby and that she'd told
nobody. So you're birth certificate
father did not know? She says no, I truly don't.
(13:13):
I mean once I found this out some of the things started to
get pieced together. I had remembered like her
talking about somebody that she had loved that she had worked
with, but because they were bothmarried it wasn't possible.
And my the dad that raised me, he had made like comments about
(13:33):
my mom cheating on him and stuff.
But that was where it stopped. So then to hear all of this,
like all of the pieces started coming together.
I was like, so this is the person you were talking about?
And she confirmed it was. She's been fairly open about
sharing. As much as I want to know, they
had a very long term affair for several years they were
(13:55):
together. I do believe my mom really loved
him. And I just think because of
where they were at, it wouldn't have worked out for anybody.
I don't blame her for not telling me.
The man that raised me was not agood person and it would have
been very, very bad if he had found out.
And so I do think there was somelike level of protection there.
(14:18):
When I said that the anger hasn't come about until
recently, my mom is pretty adamant that she would have
never told me she wanted to takethis to the grave and she never
wanted me to find out. And I've that piece I told her I
think is very unfair and incredibly selfish because it's
not hers anymore, it's mine and just shared all of that impact
(14:42):
with her going through the medical stuff.
I'm one of the lucky siblings. I don't have the genetic
mutation, but that is the piece.When I had to go through the
genetic counseling to have the testing done, the genetic
counselor said something she's like, this could be life saving
information for you and for yourchildren.
And that piece just hit me in a pretty profound way that I
(15:04):
didn't even think about. And that's where, you know, I've
been pretty irritated with my mom not wanting to ever share
that with me, that this could have caused me to not be around
for a long time and my kids to have a higher risk of cancer.
Yeah, After you shared that piece with her, the the level of
(15:29):
impact that this information had, what was her reaction?
Has she expressed any remorse for keeping the secret from you
even though she planned to take it to the grave?
I think it's really hard for herknowing the culture she like
where how she grew up. Like she had my sister when she
(15:49):
was 17, she was forced to get married.
Nobody would really help if things were bad.
So like when she went to her parents or when she went to the
church saying, talking about abuse, everybody just said like,
this is you made your bed, you get to lie in it.
And so I think that has created kind of a person who has to
(16:12):
protect themselves. So I have so much empathy for
her, but she's not willing to budget on that.
She'll say things like, well, ifI had known about the cancer,
then I would have said somethingif I would have known about
this. She's like, that's why I helped
you because I don't want anything bad to happen to you
and I don't want you to be hurt.But I didn't want this to be
(16:33):
reopened. So we're like, I've set some
pretty per firm boundaries with her, which she's not happy
about, but she's doing well with.
And I'm encouraging her to seek some of her own kind of
therapeutic support to kind of process through the years and
years and years of stuff that she's just got buried.
(16:56):
What do some of those boundarieslook like?
I've talked. To five of my six siblings.
Now there's only one that's kindof a holdout, but there's things
like I got a bunch of Christmas cards and pictures from them for
Christmas. So my mom was coming over to see
our kids and spend some time with us after Christmas and I
told her there's going to be pictures on the fridge.
(17:18):
I'm not taking them down. I'm not going to hide it.
I'm very open with my kids aboutit, everybody.
I'm open with people about this.But I'm not going to talk to her
about specific things like I won't talk to her about my
feelings. I won't ask her any of her
feelings. Like I'm just, I have to be able
(17:39):
to do this on my own and go walkthrough this by myself without
regard for her feelings that makes.
Sense, even though you do have, I can tell you have a lot of
empathy for her and the things that she has been through in her
life. And it it maybe explains some of
the choices that she made, but it doesn't excuse the choices
(18:00):
that she made, right? That is right on.
Yeah, it's a I mean, she had a life that I am amazed that she
pulled herself out of and is in a position she's in.
And I see the man that raised meand the path that he's on and
where he's at, it's pretty remarkable.
Like my mom stepped away. She has a house.
(18:23):
She's still working. I don't think she'll ever stop
working. And she's open to feedback and
she listens to me and she's willing to walk through this,
like willing to call a therapist.
So I have to appreciate that. But I'm still really upset about
this. So what did?
Your raised siblings think of all this.
(18:44):
You said you're very open about it with everyone.
My. Older sister I don't have a
relationship with. She had a much different
childhood, being raised by two teen parents, were forced to get
married, and then one was significant issues.
She's doing her own thing in a different state and she's 13
(19:04):
years older than me. She left when she was 17, so I
was 4, my brother was 1. So she still sees us as very
young kids and has a hard time kind of relating to it.
She'll say things like you guys had a perfect childhood and I
was the one. So it's just not healthy.
(19:24):
My younger brother is was very matter of fact and he's like,
OK, that makes a whole lot of sense.
He's an engineer. He processes things very
differently and he's like, well,it doesn't change anything.
Like you're still my sister. And I think it's taken him some
time to kind of go through it. So I've been trying to figure
out what information he wants and then when it's too much, I
(19:48):
didn't know how he was going to take it and I wasn't sure I was
going to tell him. And then I told my mom we have
to tell him. I'm not keeping this from him.
And so she was the one that asked to tell him.
So she didn't. And.
What about your new found siblings?
Were they surprised to learn that their father had an affair?
(20:10):
What was their reaction? So it was the same reaction I
had. They were surprised, but they
weren't surprised. All of them knew about my mom,
so it had been part of their upbringing.
They knew their dad had had affairs.
My mom was the first of three. I've come to find out.
(20:31):
And so we'll joke and be like, there could be some other ones,
who knows. We'll see what comes.
But the five I've spoken to havebeen really great.
I've met two of them in person. The youngest 2 are twins and
they are five years older than me.
And so I've been able to meet both of them in person and
(20:51):
they're a ton of fun. I've been able to like we did.
I did a Zoom call with two of mysisters, and it's one of those
things where I never really knewwhere I got some of my features
from or some of my mannerisms, 'cause they're so different from
my other siblings. And I'm looking at a screen and
(21:12):
watching somebody mirror my face.
The way we kind of turn, they all laughed, 'cause I was like,
I can send you guys proof of this.
And they're like, Nope. We looked at your picture,
you've got our chin. You know, it's been a very
unique experience. But yeah, it's unlike anything
I've ever experienced. But they've been really great.
(21:33):
The oldest brother that I talkedto, he's much older than me,
like 20 years older than me. So he has children my age and
then who have grandchildren older than my children.
So it's, it's very unique. And my husband and I laugh,
'cause my husband's an only child.
My brother doesn't plan on having children.
(21:54):
So when we had our first child, I was like, well, I think we
need to have two 'cause there's like nobody.
They have nobody. And now they have a lot of
cousins, like a lot. And it's almost overwhelming
thinking about just the number of people that have now come
under my family tree. Do you?
(22:16):
Feel pretty welcomed by them. Like do you feel like your
family so to speak? I mean it hasn't been that long
so I know it takes time to buildthe relationship but I'm
curious. That is one of the.
Strangest things like not knowing, I was like, well, what
does this mean? They're all very close.
They talk. I had messages with all of them
(22:37):
that same night that the brotherhad shared with them.
I've talked to them. I've met two of them.
One of them has been out here twice.
I met him in October and then I met both of them in December.
Like they're like, well, hope you know, our side's
Thanksgiving is next year enoughwhen we use our the language and
stuff. And I was like, I don't know
(22:57):
what to call you. And they're like, well, we're
calling you our sibling. We're not going to talk about
this half stuff. You're our sibling.
I now have this many sisters andthis many brothers sending
pictures, sending Christmas cards, All of those things has
been. Sometimes it's very overwhelming
and I'm just trying to go with it as much as I can and not be
(23:20):
too afraid of the possibilities.But it is.
It's a lot. How have?
Your kids taken it. They're pretty young.
My oldest is 4, the other one isgoing to be two here shortly.
The four year old thinks this isthe greatest thing in the world
because now she has more uncles.We've started to use like this
is your uncle so and so. And that's why I have pictures
(23:41):
up. There's like these weird little
things like my oldest has red hair.
We had no idea where the red hair came from.
Nobody else in the family had had red hair since my mom's mom.
But none of my cousins, none of their children had red hair.
Here's my little redhead. And then my biological father
(24:02):
had red hair and my oldest has the same color red hair as a ton
of her cousins. So it's just, it's very
fascinating how those genes have.
Come. Through and I, you know, I used
to be a big that nature versus nurturer being in child
protection and stuff. And we, you know, you kind of
(24:23):
argue about that and I'm having a very humbling moment thinking
about how much genes like what an impact that has on a person
and how important that is. Well, that.
Is a perfect segue to a questionthat I wanted to ask you because
you work in child welfare in this community where we have
adoption and these family relationships, people have had
(24:46):
complicated family dynamics and all of those things come into
play with Child Protective Services and child welfare.
So in addition to the nature versus nurture conversation, how
has your DNA surprise impacted the work that you do?
I think it's further just my belief in how important it is to
(25:08):
maintain those family relationships.
We've done a lot of work on ensuring that we place with
family when possible, and more often than not we are placing
with family. But then even when that's not
possible, how do we maintain those familial connections?
For majority of my time I workedwith teenagers and so I'd worked
(25:31):
with teenagers who'd been adopted through the system and
then those disrupted adoptions would disrupt and they would re
enter care. There was conflict around want
them wanting to have contact with their birth families.
I've seen kids come from some ofthe most horrific abuse
imaginable and still want to have contact and still want to
(25:53):
know the their birth family and seeking that out.
And so it's changed and more of like, how do we make this safe
and how can we support this as asystem?
And that is this just further cemented that like, I'm like,
well, yes, now I'm going to be completely biased that this is
(26:14):
incredibly important. Yeah.
You mentioned that your mother was the first of three affairs
that your biological father had.Are there any questions about
the potential for additional siblings being out there?
They don't think so. What I do know is that my
(26:35):
biological father did share withhis wife at some point.
I have not been able to clarify this but he did tell her about
me and the potential that I was his because my sisters told me
that about a year ago. Their mom had told them I think
you have 1/2 sister out there. I remember meeting her as a baby
(26:56):
but I don't know and they were like well how?
How do you go about finding this?
So the sisters had heard about me.
The rest are all boys. So it's four boys, 2 girls.
The boys had no idea, so they were more shocked, but their mom
had told them that I was out there and their mom has said
that like she came to one of my baby showers and that she
(27:17):
remembers me as a baby. So I don't know when she found
out about me or if she's known all along.
They did say she wants to meet me and she wants to talk to me
and that she's been asking to make sure that I'm OK.
Oh. Wow, that's really kind.
And how serendipitous that she told them about you right before
(27:40):
you had your discovery. The timing.
Is very, very strange 'cause when I looked at Ancestry, my
birth father had taken the test to almost 10 years exactly to
when I got my results. So he joined in August of 2014
(28:01):
and then I got mine in August of2024.
So there's I was like, that's very strange, 10 years.
He passed in 2021, so he's been gone for several years at this
point. When I first looked at the data,
I was like, that seems like a long time ago and he'd put his
stuff on some of the other DNA websites.
(28:23):
I have to wonder if he did that for me to find him.
That's the only thing I know, 'cause I'm like, if you know you
have a potential kid out there, not many people are going to
take DNA tests unless they're. Ready to match?
With them right, they're not going.
To put themselves out there. Yeah, yeah.
What questions do you still havefor your mother or I know that
(28:47):
you can't ask him, but for your birth father, I think I would
want to know from him. And this is probably something
I'll eventually ask his wife. Is did he ever wonder about
meeting me or want to and why I I truly do not understand how
you can see a baby, know they'reyours and just step away.
(29:11):
I can't imagine doing that and then I also can't.
I'm like how do you keep this secret for 40 years?
Those are more questions I have and I'm hoping his wife can give
me some idea or insight into, but other than that I think my
mom's been really open. I hope she does some work of her
(29:33):
own. What's?
Next for you, are you going to spend Thanksgiving with you?
I don't know, with your newfoundfamily?
This. Oh my gosh, that.
Sounds so overwhelming. I always laugh because
Thanksgiving is one of my favorite times because it's
quiet there's like five of us, we're in pajamas.
It's very mellow, very laid backand I'm thinking about how you
fit that many people in a house with that many children.
(29:56):
I can't even I don't know it's, I will probably go just to
experience it, but it's going tobe a lot.
I do plan on taking a road trip as soon as we can kind of get
through some of the things we'vegot going on, but probably
spring, early summer to see how many people I can meet before
(30:16):
then. That's exciting.
It's really. Nice to hear a story where you
know, it's not that it was just fine that that happened right?
Like it's, it's still not OK to have that secret kept from you,
but to see how well you're handling it and how you're
navigating it is, is really inspiring.
(30:37):
I I. Applaud the EMDR.
I laugh because we were. So I've been doing therapy to
deal with like past trauma from childhood and stuff.
And I had done EMDR and it is the greatest thing I've ever
done. It's really, I'm like, if I had
found this out five years ago before I'd done that, I would be
(30:58):
a mess. But really just being able to
kind of calm myself and center has been incredibly helpful.
And just knowing that I can get through this just like a lot of
other things. But my therapist and I were in
the process of me being done with therapy after so many years
of doing this. We were going to end things at
(31:19):
the end of the year, and when I called her, I was like, I need
an appointment. She's like, what's going on?
You never called me for appointments.
It's like, well, I guess we're not going to be ending therapy
for a little while. So.
But EMDR has been my yeah, it's been what has helped me probably
the most. I.
I cosign EMDR has been instrumental for me too.
(31:41):
It's you know, everybody has to find something that works for
them. But many people that I talked to
have sung the praises of EMDR aswell.
Is there anything else that's been super helpful to you as you
navigate this? I think just being able to
breathe through some stuff, I think there's been times where
I've been so overwhelmed that I feel like I've lost my breath
(32:04):
and that just grounding myself, knowing I don't have to solve
everything right now, that I'm not going to have any idea what
I'm doing. This is a long term piece but
really I've tried to go into this without any expectations.
I have no idea what kind of relationship I'm going to have
(32:24):
with this new found family. I don't know how things are
going to go if Thanksgiving is going to happen.
I don't know. But I'm just trying to find a
lot of the positives in those interactions I have and
extending myself a little bit more than I usually do, like
sending them messages, sending them pictures, maybe posting
(32:47):
things on Facebook that I never posted before, just so I can be
open to whatever possibilities there are that's.
Great. What advice do you have for a
parent who is keeping adna surprise from their child?
Tell them when I think about what that genetic counselor said
to me, that that information canbe life saving.
(33:10):
Tell them there isn't going to be a good time or a right time
if you don't tell them right away.
The next best time is right now and let them go through it.
It's their process and they can handle it.
What? Advice do you have for someone
who just uncovered adna surprise?
(33:31):
This is the hardest part becauseI think I listened to so many
podcasts and I did all sorts of research when I found out,
'cause I had no idea this was a thing, and now I've realized
that it is. It's a very big thing and we are
a pretty big community that's growing.
I think. Find ways to distract yourself.
It's incredibly overwhelming andtoo much for any person to
(33:57):
handle right away. Break it down.
It doesn't have to be solved tomorrow.
We don't have to get through everything, but just find those
things that bring you joy. It's finding those little
moments where you can distract yourself so you're not thinking
about it constantly. Music, that's been my big one,
going and doing things with my kids.
(34:19):
But just giving myself a little bit of a break from all of this
overwhelming stuff. That's a good.
Piece of advice to give yourselfa break 'cause it's so much, so
much, especially in the beginning.
Yeah, it's so. Much and it keeps you up and it
invades everything and it can besuper triggering.
(34:39):
I think I was taking my daughterto go see Moana and she's like,
mom, why do I have red hair? It's just like those little
things. And it just completely washed
over me. And so I have to really find
those times where I'm not thinking about it and I'm doing
something that's there's absolutely no way something's
(34:59):
going to get brought up or triggered.
Courtney. Thank you so much for coming on
the podcast and sharing your story.
I know that you will help othersby sharing your journey.
I wish you the best and keep me posted on Thanksgiving.
Thank you. Thanks again to Courtney for
sharing her story. If you have adna surprise that
(35:20):
you'd like to share, please submit your story at
dnasurprises.com and for early ad free access to episodes, be
sure to join me over on patreon@patreon.com/DNA
Surprises. Until next time, This episode of
(35:41):
DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited by me,
Alexis Ourselt. It was mixed and mastered by
Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.
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