October 14, 2025 • 43 mins
"It’s a scam!" That’s what some family members say after a DNA surprise is uncovered. "Those tests aren’t accurate." Or, if a long-lost relative reaches out, they’re surely after money. If you’ve listened to this podcast for any length of time, you know that’s not true, but it’s a common response. In this week’s episode, I’m joined by Melissa and Dan, who were both advised to be wary of each other after they connected. Dan was adopted as an infant, and after taking a test to find his biological parents, he found his sister, Melissa.
They share what those first conversations were like and how they’ve forged a special bond in the short time they’ve known each other.
Thank you for sharing your story, Dan and Melissa.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I think in the beginning of my search I was just looking to
find out where I came from. I wasn't necessarily looking for
lost family members. I would just wanted to know
where I came from. Obviously as the search went on
it meant a lot more than that. But for me, the bottom line was,
(00:23):
if that was the case, cause I'vebeen told by so many different
people that there's so many different outcomes of, of
searches like this. There's great ones, there's
horrible ones, there's mediocre ones, there's ones that just
like nothing. And if I found the two human
beings that conceived me and they didn't want anything to do
(00:45):
with me at the point in my search, I didn't really care.
I'm not saying that I would haveloved that outcome, but at least
I would have known where I came from.
And if that's the least I'm going to get, that's more than
nothing. And for me, the never knowing is
(01:05):
worse than the not being wanted.You're wanted.
I mean, that's the best outcome ever.
So I got lucky. I got lucky as hell and I've
never I I I've never been happier.
Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the
(01:26):
world of unexpected DNA discoveries.
I'm your host, Alexis Oursalt. In July 2021, my life took a
surprising turn when I found outthat I'm an NPE, a person who
has experienced a non paternal event.
In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he
(01:48):
was. Join me as we explore the
stories of NP, ES, adoptees and donor conceived people and their
families. Get ready to unravel the
astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.
This is DNA surprises. It's a scam.
(02:09):
That's what some family members say after adna surprise is
uncovered. Those tests aren't accurate.
Or if a long lost relative reaches out, there's surely
after money. If you've listened to this
podcast for any length of time, you know that's not true, but
it's a common response. In this week's episode, I'm
(02:33):
joined by Melissa and Dan, who were both advised to be wary of
each other after they connected.Dan was adopted as an infant,
and after taking a test to find his biological parents, he found
his sister, Melissa. They share what those first
conversations were like and how they've since forged a special
(02:54):
bond in the short time that they've known each other.
Thank you for sharing your story, Dan and Melissa.
Dan, 55, Northbrook, IL. Melissa, 45, and at the moment
I'm living in Maine. I've always known that I was
adopted since I was a little kid.
(03:17):
My adopted mother and father always told me that.
So they explained that to me my whole life growing up.
Sorry. And I just as I got older, I
just wanted to know like where Icame from and if there was, you
know, anybody else who look likeme, you know, if I had any of
(03:41):
brother sisters. I just want to know more because
I always kind of felt like distant and lost.
And I grew up with an adopted brother and a sister who is not
adopted. You could just tell there was a
difference. I mean, they loved us.
I never needed. I had a good life, but there was
(04:06):
always something missing. I'm sorry.
It's really OK and I think it's really good for people to hear
how these feelings affect people.
Were your parents supportive of you learning more about your
birth parents? It was really wasn't talked
(04:27):
about much like through high school.
It wasn't like they were secretive.
My parents that adopted me got divorced when I was 5, so my dad
was kind of not that much in thepicture.
When I went to college, my mom worked at a company in Iowa.
That's where I went to college. I remember just walking in there
one day and asking her and telling her that I'm I'm not
(04:54):
looking to replace you. I just said I just want to know
for down the road. And then later when I had a
daughter, my daughter's mother, she wanted no more information
too, just about historical background and medical
background and things like that.My mom gave me a name and told
(05:16):
me that the woman that gave birth to me was very young and
she told me her name and that was where my search started.
OK. All right.
So you had a little bit to go on, but not too much.
So what did you do to really begin searching?
(05:36):
Well, online, obviously this wasgoing online, typing her name in
and all over just, I mean, just tons and hours and hours of just
researching her name. And then eventually I spoke to a
couple different people. At the time I didn't have a lot
of money and I was referred to some people to search, but I
(06:01):
mean, the money was too much forme and I and I couldn't afford
it. And I never knew whether that
would even amount to anything or, you know, was I just
throwing my money away? And I, I was in college and
working, so I like, I was broke.So, so it was off and on for
many years. And this one is the hard one for
(06:23):
me. I'm going to try and get through
this without crying. I, I don't know if you've ever
heard of, I think her name is Pam Slayton.
She, she apparently was some DNAguru and was going to have a
show on the Oprah Winfrey Network.
They were asking people to submit videos.
Why? To choose you, you know.
So I did a video and explained everything.
(06:46):
Within a week or two later, I got a call back from the show
saying that we're going to take you on.
We love your story. And then I went through a
process of talking to producers and they made me go to a
psychiatrist. It was a four to like a four to
six hour interview, I guess to make sure that I wasn't going to
freak out or something if I didn't like the information that
(07:09):
I heard. And then I was talking with the
other producers about am I goingto be OK with cameras following
me around all the time? So I was just confirming
everything for the show and unbelievably excited, obviously,
because they said they were going to choose me.
They told everybody, I told all my friends, and the next thing
(07:29):
you know, I didn't get a response or a call back from
anyone, which broke my heart. Finally I found out why.
That's because the show is cancelled so before, so it's
just spinning my wheels and and their wheels and and I
understood that the show got cancelled, but for them to just
(07:49):
leave me hanging like that afterall these years.
So I kind of like at that point I, I was like, this is just too
much stress. I have a family.
Life is good, you know, So I kind of gave up at that point.
And then I joined the Ancestry. I don't know how long I was on
(08:12):
the Ancestry. It was at least a year or two.
And I would get all these emailsevery day, you know, sometimes
not every day, you know, severala week.
I opened them and looked at themand it was always fifth cousin,
fourth cousin, third cousin. The one was a second cousin, and
(08:34):
there was still nothing. And I sent messages through
Ancestry. Sometimes I got a response from
somebody that was willing to help, but they didn't know
anything. So I just kind of gave up.
And then one day I got a messagethat I had a first cousin.
I'm sorry, I'm such a baby. I can't help it.
(08:56):
And that's where it started. I mean, so at this point, I
mean, it's been how long, how many years had it been since you
were really searching? 3030 years.
Were you still optimistic at that point or what were you
thinking? No, I pretty much it was a last
(09:17):
ditch effort. It was like if it happens, it
happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't.
And easier said than done mentally.
But I mean, obviously, my whole goal in the beginning of the
search was to find my parents. That's what it was.
And I'm not saying, you know, tohave a new life with them and
(09:38):
to, you know, make everything happy and merry.
And, you know, it was just to know where I came from, to see
someone who looks like me, resembles me, whatever.
And then as I started getting older, it was more like, God, I
hope I have a sister or a brother or cousins, things like
that. Maybe now is a good time to flip
(10:00):
over to Melissa. Since you reached out first,
what prompted you to take an ancestry test?
Well, it was always in the back of my mind because, well, my dad
is a very good human being. He is a great human being.
He is a terrible family man. So.
(10:24):
Like in the back of my head, I always thought, well, I mean,
there's a chance. There's like probably, there's
probably quite a few chances in fact.
But what really like pushed me to do it is really learning more
about my mom's side of the family because they're European
and World War 2 and all that. And I just thought that would be
an interesting thing to learn about.
(10:46):
And then ultimately there was a sale on Ancestry for like a
really cheap sign up price, so Iwent.
For those sales, they get us every time.
OK, so you take the test, you get your results and what do you
see? Well, I didn't know what
anything meant. So like, I had scrolled through
a few times and I saw some. We're not really close with my
(11:08):
dad's side of the family, but like, I know him well enough.
I know him by name, we're Facebook friends, that kind of
thing. So I saw plenty of people I
knew, and I was sitting there with a friend of mine who had
gone on her own ancestry, finding her biological family
journey. So I was like, I don't know who
this guy on top is, but here's my aunt, here's my cousin.
And she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, scroll back.
(11:31):
And she just goes, yeah, you have a brother.
And I was like, shut up. And it took her explaining to me
what, like, the numbers meant and all that.
And so she helped me like, send that first ancestry message to
Dan because I didn't want to overstep and, you know, I don't
know what it feels like to be adopted.
(11:51):
I didn't want to, like, say anything wrong or, you know,
whatever. So she helped me write a message
to him. And so I was constantly
refreshing. So I think at like 2:00 in the
morning, I got a message back. And it was just back and forth
since then. Wow.
So you took this test knowing, OK, it's a possibility.
(12:14):
Would you say that you were hoping?
Just curious, like what kind of emotions did you have around
taking it? I think a little bit of both.
I don't know if I was hoping so much as like, well, that'd be
awesome. Like what are the odds That
would be true? But like that would be cool.
Like I would think that was neat, but that was about it.
(12:35):
It's just sort of like a fantasyof like, wouldn't that be
awesome if I had family out there?
And you said you weren't very close with your dad's family.
You kind of knew who they were, Facebook friends.
Did your dad know that you were taking this test?
Or he. Did not.
OK, all right, OK, so back over to Dan.
(12:56):
You get this message randomly after kind of going all right,
this is a last stitch effort, we'll see what happens.
And you open this message, whichhas been, I just want to say
sounds like very compassionatelywritten, which is so awesome,
Melissa, that you had a friend who who helped you with it, but
(13:17):
also that you had the forethought to recognize that
you didn't know what it was liketo be adopted or what the
situation might be. And, you know, to kind of
carefully craft your message. But Dan, you open up this
message. What does it say and how do you
react? I almost died for real.
(13:41):
Like I was like, finally. I didn't believe it it really,
but I had a friend from high school that I haven't talked to
in many years who was also adopted.
She had been through a lot of this process and apparently now
helps people do that, you know, find lost, you know, relatives.
(14:03):
And I posted something on Facebook a long time ago and she
reached out and we talked and she and I haven't talked to her
in in 20 plus years. She's actually the one who paid
for my Ancestry account. And it was kind of like the same
thing with Melissa when I showedher the numbers because I didn't
know, like, CC, I still don't even know what it means.
(14:25):
But all these numbers, and she'slike, you have a sister?
And I was like, no way. There's no way.
And she's like, yeah. And after just not believing it,
Melissa's message was just. It's funny because every once in
awhile I'll go back and read it.It's like crazy how far we've
(14:48):
come since that first message because she's, and when she
said, if you're comfortable, youknow, sharing, I'm like, here's
I'll give you my name, my phone number, my address, whatever you
want. Here's where I'm at.
And so I was ready to give everything.
It's funny because both sides, both of our sides kept saying if
(15:11):
you ever meet, don't give her any money.
And her side would say if you ever meet him, don't give him
any money. And and you know, at this point,
we're like, we've already done 2DNA tests now.
So you did an ancestry test, Melissa.
You reach out, Dan, you're like,all right, let's do this.
You're, you're all in. You're excited, but there's
(15:33):
still some trepidation questioning of the result.
Yeah, no, everyone was saying the same thing to me is this is
a scam If if he wants any money from you, you do not give him
any money. And yeah, I was like, I don't
understand how scammers work andwhat they do and how they do
what they do. So maybe it's a scam so but also
(15:55):
it's DNA. So I I couldn't put that
together. Be quite elaborate to like hack
into your DNA results and do a match.
But also, I mean, there are a lot of elaborate scams in the
world and it's kind of a big revelation to find a family
member. So I think it's common that
(16:16):
people are a little bit skeptical that there might be
some financial motivation. So which test did you take to
validate your relationship? Let's see, I just actually
brought it up right before we started this 'cause I saved it.
DNATCAI had like 3 or 4 that I looked at before I asked Dan if
(16:37):
it was OK if we did a second one.
I had like 3 or 4 I looked at and narrowed it down to one that
like. When I read about it and all
that, it seemed pretty legit, but I kind of didn't want him to
know the name of it 'cause I'm like, this is a scam.
I don't want him to know where it's coming from.
OK, so after you message Dan, hegives the information.
How are you communicating at this point?
(16:59):
Is it through the app? Are you texting e-mail?
We did a couple through the Ancestry app and then I asked if
we could switch to e-mail 'causeI thought that would be easier
and he wanted to to have a phonecall, which my husband was out
of town at the time. And I'm like, I was like, I
can't just like have that to myself for days.
(17:23):
I was like, so I'd, I'd rather wait till he comes home so I can
unload right away. So we ended up my, my summer
job, I walk on the beach. We ended up texting for like a
whole entire shift, just like telling stupid jokes and you
know, tell me a fact about you or, you know, whatever, just
back and forth. And then I think we spoke, I
(17:44):
want to say the next day becausethen my husband was home.
And then this time, had you gotten the second DNA test
results or were you still waiting on?
That we didn't do that until after our first phone call.
OK. How was that first phone call?
I mean, I, I get real nervous talking on the phone and I can't
(18:06):
do it. I'm not a conversationalist.
I was stressed. I actually fired my therapist
because she was supposed to meetme in the morning and she stood
me up. So that was it for me and her.
I got a new one who's great, butafter the first couple sentences
it was just like someone I knew my whole life.
(18:26):
Wow. And Dan, what about for you when
you finally had that phone call?I was obviously extremely
nervous, just, you know, worriedis she going to like like what I
have to say or how is she going to be and are we even going to
be compatible or are we even going to want to know each other
more? I was going nuts.
(18:47):
But yeah, I mean, after talking to her for like a minute, that
was all gone. She's really awesome.
So is he. And I remember at the end of the
conversation, I still, I remember exactly how it sounded.
He sort of stuttered a little. And he goes, I, I, I think I
(19:09):
love you. And I was like.
Yeah, it's kind of it's this weird thing, right?
Because you're related, but you're just meeting each other,
you know, through the phone. At what point do you tell your
father about? This before the second.
After that first day of texting during my shift, I went home.
(19:33):
He lives overseas so the hours are tough.
So I think it was like maybe midnight my time, maybe noon the
next day, his time. And I was just like, hey, do you
know the name that Dan had for his mom, his biological mom?
And my dad's getting older. He's losing it a little.
He also is the people pleaser. So I'm like, do you know Betty
(19:59):
last name? And he's like, I don't know,
maybe sounds maybe a little familiar.
I'm not sure. And I was like, oh, 'cause you
have a son, so you should know her.
And. And my dad and I historically
don't have the strongest, best relationship.
We can have some drinks together, we can have some fun
(20:19):
together. But like, that's kind of where
it ends and where it always has sort of topped off.
So I like, tried to make it veryclear.
Like, I am thrilled by the way. Like I'm not putting you down.
I'm not angry at this time. I knew what year Dan was born.
So I knew it was before my dad even met my mom.
So I'm like, I am not mad. I think this is awesome.
(20:42):
He seems great, but he's he's always been a deny till you die
kind of guy. Whoa, that rhymed a lot.
He did. And he's holding on to that
pretty tight. And at this point, even my
sister, our sister has called him and been like, you know, you
(21:02):
just sound dumb, right? Two DNA tests and and this man
is your identical twin. You just sound kind of dumb.
And did you confirm that you arehalf siblings technically on
your father's side and the paternal side?
So he won't do a test 'cause obviously that never happened.
(21:26):
That's crazy. But the second test that Dan and
I did was a sibling specific one.
And again, he's my dad's identical twin and he was at the
time he was engaged and supposedto be married in two weeks.
And his whole family loved this woman, that she was great, that
(21:48):
she was wonderful. She probably was, which is why
she got the hell out of Dodge 2 weeks prior to the marriage.
And our theory is that she foundout about him cheating on her.
Whether it was cheating on her or found out that the other
woman was pregnant, I'm not certain that he knew anyone was
pregnant. He may have, I have no idea.
(22:08):
But that's at least the theory of why the wedding was cancelled
was that she at least found out something happened.
OK. And so he just denies it.
Does he still deny it today? Yep.
Yeah, I've sent him a few messengers and messenger, you
can see the little if somebody read it or not.
(22:30):
So he's read it. I didn't send anything majorly
intrusive like combative or anything like that.
I simply just in a roundabout way just said, you know, Melissa
and I took two DNA tests. So you may in may be in doubt,
but we're not. And I'd love to hear from you
and to talk to you and basicallyjust said, I know you're in bad
(22:53):
health and, and I feel really like I did myself an injustice
if I didn't at least reach out to you and try and get you to
respond to me. And at the end, I said, if
you're not willing to respond tome, at least let me know if you
can remember some of the women that you had relations with back
(23:14):
in 1970 so I can try and find mymother.
I just sent him another messenger like within the last
week. Just saying.
I didn't know that. Well, it was just a simple, hey,
you know, I was hoping you'd respond.
I'd, I'd like to talk to you andthat was it.
But he hasn't responded and he'sobviously in denial and
(23:35):
whatever. I mean, I saw pictures early on
when Melissa started sending them over to me.
And I, I mean, even I, and I'm horrible at like looking at
pictures and saying other peoplelook like other people and
whatever. But when I saw these pictures of
him, even I was like, OK, if that's not my dad, then I don't
know who is. I mean, they have so many of the
(23:57):
same mannerisms. The way they say certain words
is exactly the same. They both have a little bald
spot in their beard right here. Like the exact same bald spot.
So there's just no denying it, yeah.
Everybody that I've met out out there, even when I met Melissa's
(24:17):
mother, she was like just taken aback looking at me, and
everyone sees a resemblance automatically.
And that's really what did it for what has always been my
older sister. Well, she still is my older
sister, but now our sibling. I initially only because I was
Facebook stalking Dan and sending pictures and he doesn't
(24:41):
have a lot of pictures of himself.
So the one I sent, she, she was like, I don't see it.
I don't see the resemblance. I don't see.
But then once we got together and I had like a photo, like a
not just Facebook screenshot, I took a photo.
She she couldn't believe it. And even her son or nephew kind
of looked at it quickly and looked away.
(25:02):
And she said, oh, he said, what is OPA Bill doing at Oma's
house? And then he looked again and
realized it was too young to be Oba Bill.
That's incredible. That's incredible.
So Dan, how are you dealing withthat denial?
You have a sister here who's been totally open and accepting,
(25:22):
and then, you know her dad, yourbiological father, is not open.
How do you deal with that? It's tough.
I don't. I don't dictate my day that by
that, but it's hard, you know, especially after looking for so
many years and then finally finding what I've been looking
for and then him just not being responsive and denying it.
(25:47):
And it it hurts. And I mean, I'm not going to
lie, it hurts. But I have two sisters that
weigh more than make up for him.As I said before, as I got older
and the search got older and I started losing my will and, you
(26:08):
know, just didn't believe it wasgoing to happen anymore, just
knowing that I had two siblings was more than enough for me.
That's such a positive outlook. I mean, not the sound corny, but
I sound corny all the time. Everybody that knows me says
that Melissa's probably like, ohGod, what is he going to say
(26:32):
now? But I hit the lottery with
sisters and she's the best. Thanks bro.
Oh, Dan, how has the rest of your, your adopted family, your
raised family taken all of this?It's funny that you should say
that because none of them know and the reason behind that is
(26:55):
because my mother and father have both passed away and I do
not talk to my brother and sister that I grew up with.
My brother is he's been in and out of prison and has a terrible
drug problem. I haven't seen him in 20 years
(27:17):
which breaks my heart. But then my sister decided to
not talk to me and my daughter out of nowhere and I didn't know
why for no reason. It just happened out of nowhere.
And apparently, and this is the woman the the, the, the woman
that I grew up with that is my adopted parents real daughter,
(27:41):
blood daughter. As they started getting older,
there started to be somewhat of a fight over money and, and
property and things like that, which I never cared about at
all. And if you, if you ask anybody
that knows me, they'll tell you that.
(28:03):
And then so I found out my father wasn't responding to me,
my adopted father and my sister wasn't.
And Long story short, it was because she was trying to avoid
us to inherit everything from myfather and not share with my
brother and I. It's a, it's a wretched story.
It's terrible. And I'm glad it's over with
(28:26):
because I never cared about thattype of materialistic.
I just wanted them around. That's so unfortunate.
And it's, it's too often that those are the kinds of things
that break families apart in in many ways.
I'm curious like kind of what's next for your relationship with
your your found biological sisters?
(28:50):
Have you met yet in person or are there plans to?
Oh, we've met. I was over the moon happy and I
like didn't even know like my body never felt this way before.
But when I find out I live in Wisconsin to find out that
Melissa lives in Maine and that our other sister Sonia lives in
(29:14):
Austria and that our father lives in Thailand, I was like,
do you think you guys could liveany further away?
Which I thought was funny. But so anyway, since then I
visited her and her husband in Maine.
I think 7 or 8 times She she came.
(29:34):
She's 2-3 times here. Oh, and then in Kentucky,
because I'm working in Kentucky right now.
So what, what was it like? I mean, obviously it's gone well
because you've continued to see each other in person so many
times. What What's it been like seeing
and hugging and? Well, the I went to go see him
because where I live, there's not like a hotel nearby and I
(29:57):
didn't want him in my house right away.
So I was like, I just, I wanted to go visit him where I could
have a hotel room. And if it turned into a trip to
Milwaukee, that's outstanding. But if, if we get along and we
want to hang out all weekend, that's great too.
But I'm going to have my own space to go back to.
(30:18):
That was the end of September. So we first message at the end
of August. So end of September was the
first visit and yeah, I mean, itwas great.
I, we, we met at a bar across the street from the hotel that I
was at. Cause again, I, I didn't want
him to know my room number or anything, which seems so silly
now. But so I was like at this bar in
(30:40):
the corner 'cause I wanted to bethe first to see him.
So I was like trying to hide outon this patio.
But he saw me first and and almost ran over some kids on
bikes and. I mean, literally, I, I was, I,
there was 2 entrances into the bar and I missed the first one.
And then I was turning across the, the road of Four lane Rd.
(31:02):
and I saw her in the corner and it was like the first time I've
ever seen her. And like I didn't see anything
else. But I didn't hit him, thank God
and pulled in and we, we hugged and I just like, I'm going to
try and say this without being sappy as hell.
There were, I'm going to be sappy.
(31:24):
Sorry. There were two people in my life
that I knew that I loved before I met.
And my daughter was the first one and Melissa was the second.
And his his kid is a top notch human.
I mean, after that first meeting, Dan came to see me.
(31:45):
His stepdaughter had invited me to dinner for the special dinner
that they were having. So I went out for that.
And then he came through the winter, like he said, 5-6 times
after that. But then it was Sonia's chance,
the sister that lives in Austria, so the three of us and
(32:06):
Dan's beautiful Angel of a kid. We all flew out to Ireland.
So it's sort of like a happy medium spot.
So we got an Airbnb and just hung out in Ireland for a while,
just like a week. But it was awesome to just see.
That's. So my sister and my Big Brother
together and my. Little nibbling.
(32:29):
Wow. And Dan, how was it to meet
Sonja? It was incredible.
It was, it was really amazing and it was really cool just to
see that similarities between the two.
Both of them are just incredible, nice, giving people,
(32:50):
very compassionate and just, they're like, I mean, I, I just
don't even know what to say. I, I, I was always so worried
that I would finally find somebody and like, it wouldn't
matter. We wouldn't care, or they were
snobby or, you know, whatever. And they're just the opposite of
all that. They're just awesome.
(33:13):
I couldn't ask for better. I couldn't ask for more.
I really couldn't. Same bro.
I was visiting, we went on kind of a whirlwind tour visiting
friends in different spots and one friend in particular.
I mean, everybody is, is psychedfor us, possibly my husband
almost more than anyone. But this one friend, Shannon,
(33:36):
she's the first to cheerlead this situation for us.
And I don't know what what got her to say this or what got her
to to think this, but it made sense also.
And she goes, I never realized that you were looking for
something until you told me you had a brother.
And then it all clicked. So I thought that was really
(33:57):
nice. I love this.
I love this story. That's such a perfect bow on it.
But I, I would be remiss if I didn't ask Dan about your birth
mother and where that piece is because, you know, you kind of
have for now your answer around your biological father.
(34:20):
What have you learned about yourbiological mother?
Have you connected with any family on that side?
You know, going through the Ancestry, I also did 23andMe
prior, you know, to ancestry. And at one point I saw the last
name of someone that was the same as my supposedly my
(34:40):
mother's last name and it went nowhere.
One of the things that I did learn though in this search is
that prior to 19, and I don't know if it's true, I'm just
going off of what my friend who told me that I had a sister who
knows her stuff, I think from high school, she said that prior
(35:02):
to 1973 the adoption records were very inaccurate and they
weren't strict about getting real names of the mothers and
the dates of you know their ages.
And then in 1973, apparently something was passed, I'm not
sure exactly, but to where now they made it more accurate.
(35:25):
So I don't even know if the namethat I've been searching for
since my mother that adopted me told me her name like 30 years
ago is even legitimate. Even the first name, last name,
anything. I did actually find someone that
I thought might have matched, like the name and everything and
(35:45):
and they lived in Virginia or somewhere.
And I actually wrote her a letter and she was so sweet that
she wrote me a letter back saying that she had no
connections to Chicago. It almost makes you emotional
that a stranger was so nice to me.
And she said that I have no connection to Chicago
whatsoever. And I really do hope that you
(36:08):
find what you're looking for. She actually took the time to
write me back, put the letter inthe envelope, lick the stamp,
lick the envelope and send it tome, which I thought was
incredible. But I have no answers whatsoever
on my mother's side at all. Like complete zero.
To be honest, after what I foundalready, I kinda.
(36:32):
I'm not saying I don't care, butlike I'm so happy with what I
have already that I just don't even care.
If you say your like birthday and the hospital and maybe it
would ring a bell to someone, I don't know.
I've been listening to another podcast that has had me just
(36:55):
like crying, just thinking abouthis mom, Liberty Lost.
It's about women, girls, children who have to give up
their babies for adoption when they don't necessarily want to
and when they're not given all their options.
And it just, it, it's absolutelyheartbreaking.
And the whole time I I listened,I was thinking of what his mom
(37:19):
may have been going through in that 1970s.
I mean, I was born on June 10th,1970 at Grand Hospital in
Chicago. I don't.
I think I was born in the morning, but that's about all I
know. OK, well if anyone is listening
and might have any insight basedoff of that, please reach out.
(37:42):
You can reach me through the contact form at dnasurprises.com
and I'll be happy to pass your message on to Dan.
When I was going through the psychological tests through the
Oprah Winfrey Network and that show I was supposed to be on,
that broke my heart. They kept asking me so many
different questions and one of the questions was how are you
(38:04):
going to react if we do find anybody that you're related to
and they don't want anything to do with you?
And it caught me off guard at 1st and I get it.
For me, I mean, everybody has toevaluate what they're really
looking for in life, I guess. I think in the beginning of my
search, I was just looking to find out where I came from.
(38:26):
I wasn't necessarily looking forlost family members.
I would just wanted to know where I came from.
Obviously as the search went on,it meant a lot more than that.
But for me, the bottom line was if that was the case, because
(38:46):
I've been told by so many different people that there's so
many different outcomes of, of searches like this.
There's great ones, there's horrible ones, there's mediocre
ones, there's ones that just like nothing.
And if I found the two human beings that conceived me and
they didn't want anything to do with me at the point in my
(39:08):
search, I didn't really care. I'm not saying that I would have
loved that outcome, but at leastI would have known where I came
from. And if that's the least I'm
going to get, that's more than nothing.
And for me, the never knowing isworse than the not being wanted.
(39:29):
You're wanted. I mean, that's the best outcome
ever. So I got lucky.
I got lucky as hell. And I've never, I, I, I've never
been happier since I met Melissaand Sonia.
And honestly, I I'm, I have a new outlook on life.
(39:53):
What advice do you have for someone who has just uncovered
family, Somebody who's been searching and and just found
them? Obviously have an open mind.
I mean, my biggest fear was thatwe'd be so different than being
raised from different parts of the United States.
(40:17):
Like people are so different from the East Coast to the West
Coast to the Midwest to, you know, Texas, I mean, wherever.
I mean, obviously just keep an open mind and don't judge.
Don't be too early to judge anyone and I would say as much
(40:38):
as I hate to say this, keep yourexpectations low.
Hope. Don't expect.
That's a very good way of putting it.
Hope don't expect. Thank you, Melissa.
I feel like in some ways this really was your DNA surprise
because Dan was looking. He he knew somebody was out
(40:59):
there. He didn't know if it was
siblings or, or with the parentsor who he was going to find, but
he he was on a quest. So what advice do you have for
somebody who has uncovered Adna?Surprise, like finding a sibling
you didn't know was out there. I, I would say just kind of like
Dan said, be open to it. I think if you're not expecting
(41:22):
it and it happens. I mean, what's, what's the
problem with having more love around you, a bigger family?
You know, I started reading immediately about it and started
listening to podcasts like this one immediately about it and
just trying to figure out what Ishould do.
Like I said, I fired my therapist.
I hired anyone just trying to figure out what I should do and
and people said go slow, don't do anything too fast.
(41:45):
And and I think that's somethingto play by ear because I mean I
I did go fast, but because I felt like it was right, not
because I thought I should or I didn't want to hurt someones
feelings. I felt like I this person is
awesome. I want to know them in reality.
I would say as far as like hobbies go and like that sort of
more surfacey stuff. We have 0 in common.
(42:07):
But I can spend every moment of every day with this guy.
And so I would say just be open and just be willing to get to
know someone because it's just, it's just more love in your
life. And if it doesn't work out then
it's easy to just go. Not for me.
Melissa, Dan, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and
(42:28):
sharing your story. I think it perfectly
encapsulates how sometimes thesethings go right?
There's these beautiful relationships that can be formed
and these wonderful positive outcomes.
And sometimes not the outcome that you would have hoped for,
but it's so awesome to see the connection that you 2 have felt.
(42:49):
I really hope that you get more answers, Dan.
But I, it's amazing to see your outlook though on, on where
things are today and how you have accepted where things are
today. So thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thanks again to Dan and Melissa for sharing your story.
If you have Adna surprise that you'd like to share, please
(43:10):
submit your story at dnasurprises.com and for early
add free access to episodes, join me over on
patreon@patreon.com/DNA Surprises.
Until next time, This episode ofDNA Surprises was hosted,
produced and edited by me, Alexis Ourselt.
(43:32):
It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording
Studios.
I think in the beginning of my search I was just looking to
find out where I came from. I wasn't necessarily looking for
lost family members. I would just wanted to know
where I came from. Obviously as the search went on
it meant a lot more than that. But for me, the bottom line was,
(00:23):
if that was the case, cause I'vebeen told by so many different
people that there's so many different outcomes of, of
searches like this. There's great ones, there's
horrible ones, there's mediocre ones, there's ones that just
like nothing. And if I found the two human
beings that conceived me and they didn't want anything to do
(00:45):
with me at the point in my search, I didn't really care.
I'm not saying that I would haveloved that outcome, but at least
I would have known where I came from.
And if that's the least I'm going to get, that's more than
nothing. And for me, the never knowing is
(01:05):
worse than the not being wanted.You're wanted.
I mean, that's the best outcome ever.
So I got lucky. I got lucky as hell and I've
never I I I've never been happier.
Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the
(01:26):
world of unexpected DNA discoveries.
I'm your host, Alexis Oursalt. In July 2021, my life took a
surprising turn when I found outthat I'm an NPE, a person who
has experienced a non paternal event.
In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he
(01:48):
was. Join me as we explore the
stories of NP, ES, adoptees and donor conceived people and their
families. Get ready to unravel the
astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.
This is DNA surprises. It's a scam.
(02:09):
That's what some family members say after adna surprise is
uncovered. Those tests aren't accurate.
Or if a long lost relative reaches out, there's surely
after money. If you've listened to this
podcast for any length of time, you know that's not true, but
it's a common response. In this week's episode, I'm
(02:33):
joined by Melissa and Dan, who were both advised to be wary of
each other after they connected.Dan was adopted as an infant,
and after taking a test to find his biological parents, he found
his sister, Melissa. They share what those first
conversations were like and how they've since forged a special
(02:54):
bond in the short time that they've known each other.
Thank you for sharing your story, Dan and Melissa.
Dan, 55, Northbrook, IL. Melissa, 45, and at the moment
I'm living in Maine. I've always known that I was
adopted since I was a little kid.
(03:17):
My adopted mother and father always told me that.
So they explained that to me my whole life growing up.
Sorry. And I just as I got older, I
just wanted to know like where Icame from and if there was, you
know, anybody else who look likeme, you know, if I had any of
(03:41):
brother sisters. I just want to know more because
I always kind of felt like distant and lost.
And I grew up with an adopted brother and a sister who is not
adopted. You could just tell there was a
difference. I mean, they loved us.
I never needed. I had a good life, but there was
(04:06):
always something missing. I'm sorry.
It's really OK and I think it's really good for people to hear
how these feelings affect people.
Were your parents supportive of you learning more about your
birth parents? It was really wasn't talked
(04:27):
about much like through high school.
It wasn't like they were secretive.
My parents that adopted me got divorced when I was 5, so my dad
was kind of not that much in thepicture.
When I went to college, my mom worked at a company in Iowa.
That's where I went to college. I remember just walking in there
one day and asking her and telling her that I'm I'm not
(04:54):
looking to replace you. I just said I just want to know
for down the road. And then later when I had a
daughter, my daughter's mother, she wanted no more information
too, just about historical background and medical
background and things like that.My mom gave me a name and told
(05:16):
me that the woman that gave birth to me was very young and
she told me her name and that was where my search started.
OK. All right.
So you had a little bit to go on, but not too much.
So what did you do to really begin searching?
(05:36):
Well, online, obviously this wasgoing online, typing her name in
and all over just, I mean, just tons and hours and hours of just
researching her name. And then eventually I spoke to a
couple different people. At the time I didn't have a lot
of money and I was referred to some people to search, but I
(06:01):
mean, the money was too much forme and I and I couldn't afford
it. And I never knew whether that
would even amount to anything or, you know, was I just
throwing my money away? And I, I was in college and
working, so I like, I was broke.So, so it was off and on for
many years. And this one is the hard one for
(06:23):
me. I'm going to try and get through
this without crying. I, I don't know if you've ever
heard of, I think her name is Pam Slayton.
She, she apparently was some DNAguru and was going to have a
show on the Oprah Winfrey Network.
They were asking people to submit videos.
Why? To choose you, you know.
So I did a video and explained everything.
(06:46):
Within a week or two later, I got a call back from the show
saying that we're going to take you on.
We love your story. And then I went through a
process of talking to producers and they made me go to a
psychiatrist. It was a four to like a four to
six hour interview, I guess to make sure that I wasn't going to
freak out or something if I didn't like the information that
(07:09):
I heard. And then I was talking with the
other producers about am I goingto be OK with cameras following
me around all the time? So I was just confirming
everything for the show and unbelievably excited, obviously,
because they said they were going to choose me.
They told everybody, I told all my friends, and the next thing
(07:29):
you know, I didn't get a response or a call back from
anyone, which broke my heart. Finally I found out why.
That's because the show is cancelled so before, so it's
just spinning my wheels and and their wheels and and I
understood that the show got cancelled, but for them to just
(07:49):
leave me hanging like that afterall these years.
So I kind of like at that point I, I was like, this is just too
much stress. I have a family.
Life is good, you know, So I kind of gave up at that point.
And then I joined the Ancestry. I don't know how long I was on
(08:12):
the Ancestry. It was at least a year or two.
And I would get all these emailsevery day, you know, sometimes
not every day, you know, severala week.
I opened them and looked at themand it was always fifth cousin,
fourth cousin, third cousin. The one was a second cousin, and
(08:34):
there was still nothing. And I sent messages through
Ancestry. Sometimes I got a response from
somebody that was willing to help, but they didn't know
anything. So I just kind of gave up.
And then one day I got a messagethat I had a first cousin.
I'm sorry, I'm such a baby. I can't help it.
(08:56):
And that's where it started. I mean, so at this point, I
mean, it's been how long, how many years had it been since you
were really searching? 3030 years.
Were you still optimistic at that point or what were you
thinking? No, I pretty much it was a last
(09:17):
ditch effort. It was like if it happens, it
happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't.
And easier said than done mentally.
But I mean, obviously, my whole goal in the beginning of the
search was to find my parents. That's what it was.
And I'm not saying, you know, tohave a new life with them and
(09:38):
to, you know, make everything happy and merry.
And, you know, it was just to know where I came from, to see
someone who looks like me, resembles me, whatever.
And then as I started getting older, it was more like, God, I
hope I have a sister or a brother or cousins, things like
that. Maybe now is a good time to flip
(10:00):
over to Melissa. Since you reached out first,
what prompted you to take an ancestry test?
Well, it was always in the back of my mind because, well, my dad
is a very good human being. He is a great human being.
He is a terrible family man. So.
(10:24):
Like in the back of my head, I always thought, well, I mean,
there's a chance. There's like probably, there's
probably quite a few chances in fact.
But what really like pushed me to do it is really learning more
about my mom's side of the family because they're European
and World War 2 and all that. And I just thought that would be
an interesting thing to learn about.
(10:46):
And then ultimately there was a sale on Ancestry for like a
really cheap sign up price, so Iwent.
For those sales, they get us every time.
OK, so you take the test, you get your results and what do you
see? Well, I didn't know what
anything meant. So like, I had scrolled through
a few times and I saw some. We're not really close with my
(11:08):
dad's side of the family, but like, I know him well enough.
I know him by name, we're Facebook friends, that kind of
thing. So I saw plenty of people I
knew, and I was sitting there with a friend of mine who had
gone on her own ancestry, finding her biological family
journey. So I was like, I don't know who
this guy on top is, but here's my aunt, here's my cousin.
And she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, scroll back.
(11:31):
And she just goes, yeah, you have a brother.
And I was like, shut up. And it took her explaining to me
what, like, the numbers meant and all that.
And so she helped me like, send that first ancestry message to
Dan because I didn't want to overstep and, you know, I don't
know what it feels like to be adopted.
(11:51):
I didn't want to, like, say anything wrong or, you know,
whatever. So she helped me write a message
to him. And so I was constantly
refreshing. So I think at like 2:00 in the
morning, I got a message back. And it was just back and forth
since then. Wow.
So you took this test knowing, OK, it's a possibility.
(12:14):
Would you say that you were hoping?
Just curious, like what kind of emotions did you have around
taking it? I think a little bit of both.
I don't know if I was hoping so much as like, well, that'd be
awesome. Like what are the odds That
would be true? But like that would be cool.
Like I would think that was neat, but that was about it.
(12:35):
It's just sort of like a fantasyof like, wouldn't that be
awesome if I had family out there?
And you said you weren't very close with your dad's family.
You kind of knew who they were, Facebook friends.
Did your dad know that you were taking this test?
Or he. Did not.
OK, all right, OK, so back over to Dan.
(12:56):
You get this message randomly after kind of going all right,
this is a last stitch effort, we'll see what happens.
And you open this message, whichhas been, I just want to say
sounds like very compassionatelywritten, which is so awesome,
Melissa, that you had a friend who who helped you with it, but
(13:17):
also that you had the forethought to recognize that
you didn't know what it was liketo be adopted or what the
situation might be. And, you know, to kind of
carefully craft your message. But Dan, you open up this
message. What does it say and how do you
react? I almost died for real.
(13:41):
Like I was like, finally. I didn't believe it it really,
but I had a friend from high school that I haven't talked to
in many years who was also adopted.
She had been through a lot of this process and apparently now
helps people do that, you know, find lost, you know, relatives.
(14:03):
And I posted something on Facebook a long time ago and she
reached out and we talked and she and I haven't talked to her
in in 20 plus years. She's actually the one who paid
for my Ancestry account. And it was kind of like the same
thing with Melissa when I showedher the numbers because I didn't
know, like, CC, I still don't even know what it means.
(14:25):
But all these numbers, and she'slike, you have a sister?
And I was like, no way. There's no way.
And she's like, yeah. And after just not believing it,
Melissa's message was just. It's funny because every once in
awhile I'll go back and read it.It's like crazy how far we've
(14:48):
come since that first message because she's, and when she
said, if you're comfortable, youknow, sharing, I'm like, here's
I'll give you my name, my phone number, my address, whatever you
want. Here's where I'm at.
And so I was ready to give everything.
It's funny because both sides, both of our sides kept saying if
(15:11):
you ever meet, don't give her any money.
And her side would say if you ever meet him, don't give him
any money. And and you know, at this point,
we're like, we've already done 2DNA tests now.
So you did an ancestry test, Melissa.
You reach out, Dan, you're like,all right, let's do this.
You're, you're all in. You're excited, but there's
(15:33):
still some trepidation questioning of the result.
Yeah, no, everyone was saying the same thing to me is this is
a scam If if he wants any money from you, you do not give him
any money. And yeah, I was like, I don't
understand how scammers work andwhat they do and how they do
what they do. So maybe it's a scam so but also
(15:55):
it's DNA. So I I couldn't put that
together. Be quite elaborate to like hack
into your DNA results and do a match.
But also, I mean, there are a lot of elaborate scams in the
world and it's kind of a big revelation to find a family
member. So I think it's common that
(16:16):
people are a little bit skeptical that there might be
some financial motivation. So which test did you take to
validate your relationship? Let's see, I just actually
brought it up right before we started this 'cause I saved it.
DNATCAI had like 3 or 4 that I looked at before I asked Dan if
(16:37):
it was OK if we did a second one.
I had like 3 or 4 I looked at and narrowed it down to one that
like. When I read about it and all
that, it seemed pretty legit, but I kind of didn't want him to
know the name of it 'cause I'm like, this is a scam.
I don't want him to know where it's coming from.
OK, so after you message Dan, hegives the information.
How are you communicating at this point?
(16:59):
Is it through the app? Are you texting e-mail?
We did a couple through the Ancestry app and then I asked if
we could switch to e-mail 'causeI thought that would be easier
and he wanted to to have a phonecall, which my husband was out
of town at the time. And I'm like, I was like, I
can't just like have that to myself for days.
(17:23):
I was like, so I'd, I'd rather wait till he comes home so I can
unload right away. So we ended up my, my summer
job, I walk on the beach. We ended up texting for like a
whole entire shift, just like telling stupid jokes and you
know, tell me a fact about you or, you know, whatever, just
back and forth. And then I think we spoke, I
(17:44):
want to say the next day becausethen my husband was home.
And then this time, had you gotten the second DNA test
results or were you still waiting on?
That we didn't do that until after our first phone call.
OK. How was that first phone call?
I mean, I, I get real nervous talking on the phone and I can't
(18:06):
do it. I'm not a conversationalist.
I was stressed. I actually fired my therapist
because she was supposed to meetme in the morning and she stood
me up. So that was it for me and her.
I got a new one who's great, butafter the first couple sentences
it was just like someone I knew my whole life.
(18:26):
Wow. And Dan, what about for you when
you finally had that phone call?I was obviously extremely
nervous, just, you know, worriedis she going to like like what I
have to say or how is she going to be and are we even going to
be compatible or are we even going to want to know each other
more? I was going nuts.
(18:47):
But yeah, I mean, after talking to her for like a minute, that
was all gone. She's really awesome.
So is he. And I remember at the end of the
conversation, I still, I remember exactly how it sounded.
He sort of stuttered a little. And he goes, I, I, I think I
(19:09):
love you. And I was like.
Yeah, it's kind of it's this weird thing, right?
Because you're related, but you're just meeting each other,
you know, through the phone. At what point do you tell your
father about? This before the second.
After that first day of texting during my shift, I went home.
(19:33):
He lives overseas so the hours are tough.
So I think it was like maybe midnight my time, maybe noon the
next day, his time. And I was just like, hey, do you
know the name that Dan had for his mom, his biological mom?
And my dad's getting older. He's losing it a little.
He also is the people pleaser. So I'm like, do you know Betty
(19:59):
last name? And he's like, I don't know,
maybe sounds maybe a little familiar.
I'm not sure. And I was like, oh, 'cause you
have a son, so you should know her.
And. And my dad and I historically
don't have the strongest, best relationship.
We can have some drinks together, we can have some fun
(20:19):
together. But like, that's kind of where
it ends and where it always has sort of topped off.
So I like, tried to make it veryclear.
Like, I am thrilled by the way. Like I'm not putting you down.
I'm not angry at this time. I knew what year Dan was born.
So I knew it was before my dad even met my mom.
So I'm like, I am not mad. I think this is awesome.
(20:42):
He seems great, but he's he's always been a deny till you die
kind of guy. Whoa, that rhymed a lot.
He did. And he's holding on to that
pretty tight. And at this point, even my
sister, our sister has called him and been like, you know, you
(21:02):
just sound dumb, right? Two DNA tests and and this man
is your identical twin. You just sound kind of dumb.
And did you confirm that you arehalf siblings technically on
your father's side and the paternal side?
So he won't do a test 'cause obviously that never happened.
(21:26):
That's crazy. But the second test that Dan and
I did was a sibling specific one.
And again, he's my dad's identical twin and he was at the
time he was engaged and supposedto be married in two weeks.
And his whole family loved this woman, that she was great, that
(21:48):
she was wonderful. She probably was, which is why
she got the hell out of Dodge 2 weeks prior to the marriage.
And our theory is that she foundout about him cheating on her.
Whether it was cheating on her or found out that the other
woman was pregnant, I'm not certain that he knew anyone was
pregnant. He may have, I have no idea.
(22:08):
But that's at least the theory of why the wedding was cancelled
was that she at least found out something happened.
OK. And so he just denies it.
Does he still deny it today? Yep.
Yeah, I've sent him a few messengers and messenger, you
can see the little if somebody read it or not.
(22:30):
So he's read it. I didn't send anything majorly
intrusive like combative or anything like that.
I simply just in a roundabout way just said, you know, Melissa
and I took two DNA tests. So you may in may be in doubt,
but we're not. And I'd love to hear from you
and to talk to you and basicallyjust said, I know you're in bad
(22:53):
health and, and I feel really like I did myself an injustice
if I didn't at least reach out to you and try and get you to
respond to me. And at the end, I said, if
you're not willing to respond tome, at least let me know if you
can remember some of the women that you had relations with back
(23:14):
in 1970 so I can try and find mymother.
I just sent him another messenger like within the last
week. Just saying.
I didn't know that. Well, it was just a simple, hey,
you know, I was hoping you'd respond.
I'd, I'd like to talk to you andthat was it.
But he hasn't responded and he'sobviously in denial and
(23:35):
whatever. I mean, I saw pictures early on
when Melissa started sending them over to me.
And I, I mean, even I, and I'm horrible at like looking at
pictures and saying other peoplelook like other people and
whatever. But when I saw these pictures of
him, even I was like, OK, if that's not my dad, then I don't
know who is. I mean, they have so many of the
(23:57):
same mannerisms. The way they say certain words
is exactly the same. They both have a little bald
spot in their beard right here. Like the exact same bald spot.
So there's just no denying it, yeah.
Everybody that I've met out out there, even when I met Melissa's
(24:17):
mother, she was like just taken aback looking at me, and
everyone sees a resemblance automatically.
And that's really what did it for what has always been my
older sister. Well, she still is my older
sister, but now our sibling. I initially only because I was
Facebook stalking Dan and sending pictures and he doesn't
(24:41):
have a lot of pictures of himself.
So the one I sent, she, she was like, I don't see it.
I don't see the resemblance. I don't see.
But then once we got together and I had like a photo, like a
not just Facebook screenshot, I took a photo.
She she couldn't believe it. And even her son or nephew kind
of looked at it quickly and looked away.
(25:02):
And she said, oh, he said, what is OPA Bill doing at Oma's
house? And then he looked again and
realized it was too young to be Oba Bill.
That's incredible. That's incredible.
So Dan, how are you dealing withthat denial?
You have a sister here who's been totally open and accepting,
(25:22):
and then, you know her dad, yourbiological father, is not open.
How do you deal with that? It's tough.
I don't. I don't dictate my day that by
that, but it's hard, you know, especially after looking for so
many years and then finally finding what I've been looking
for and then him just not being responsive and denying it.
(25:47):
And it it hurts. And I mean, I'm not going to
lie, it hurts. But I have two sisters that
weigh more than make up for him.As I said before, as I got older
and the search got older and I started losing my will and, you
(26:08):
know, just didn't believe it wasgoing to happen anymore, just
knowing that I had two siblings was more than enough for me.
That's such a positive outlook. I mean, not the sound corny, but
I sound corny all the time. Everybody that knows me says
that Melissa's probably like, ohGod, what is he going to say
(26:32):
now? But I hit the lottery with
sisters and she's the best. Thanks bro.
Oh, Dan, how has the rest of your, your adopted family, your
raised family taken all of this?It's funny that you should say
that because none of them know and the reason behind that is
(26:55):
because my mother and father have both passed away and I do
not talk to my brother and sister that I grew up with.
My brother is he's been in and out of prison and has a terrible
drug problem. I haven't seen him in 20 years
(27:17):
which breaks my heart. But then my sister decided to
not talk to me and my daughter out of nowhere and I didn't know
why for no reason. It just happened out of nowhere.
And apparently, and this is the woman the the, the, the woman
that I grew up with that is my adopted parents real daughter,
(27:41):
blood daughter. As they started getting older,
there started to be somewhat of a fight over money and, and
property and things like that, which I never cared about at
all. And if you, if you ask anybody
that knows me, they'll tell you that.
(28:03):
And then so I found out my father wasn't responding to me,
my adopted father and my sister wasn't.
And Long story short, it was because she was trying to avoid
us to inherit everything from myfather and not share with my
brother and I. It's a, it's a wretched story.
It's terrible. And I'm glad it's over with
(28:26):
because I never cared about thattype of materialistic.
I just wanted them around. That's so unfortunate.
And it's, it's too often that those are the kinds of things
that break families apart in in many ways.
I'm curious like kind of what's next for your relationship with
your your found biological sisters?
(28:50):
Have you met yet in person or are there plans to?
Oh, we've met. I was over the moon happy and I
like didn't even know like my body never felt this way before.
But when I find out I live in Wisconsin to find out that
Melissa lives in Maine and that our other sister Sonia lives in
(29:14):
Austria and that our father lives in Thailand, I was like,
do you think you guys could liveany further away?
Which I thought was funny. But so anyway, since then I
visited her and her husband in Maine.
I think 7 or 8 times She she came.
(29:34):
She's 2-3 times here. Oh, and then in Kentucky,
because I'm working in Kentucky right now.
So what, what was it like? I mean, obviously it's gone well
because you've continued to see each other in person so many
times. What What's it been like seeing
and hugging and? Well, the I went to go see him
because where I live, there's not like a hotel nearby and I
(29:57):
didn't want him in my house right away.
So I was like, I just, I wanted to go visit him where I could
have a hotel room. And if it turned into a trip to
Milwaukee, that's outstanding. But if, if we get along and we
want to hang out all weekend, that's great too.
But I'm going to have my own space to go back to.
(30:18):
That was the end of September. So we first message at the end
of August. So end of September was the
first visit and yeah, I mean, itwas great.
I, we, we met at a bar across the street from the hotel that I
was at. Cause again, I, I didn't want
him to know my room number or anything, which seems so silly
now. But so I was like at this bar in
(30:40):
the corner 'cause I wanted to bethe first to see him.
So I was like trying to hide outon this patio.
But he saw me first and and almost ran over some kids on
bikes and. I mean, literally, I, I was, I,
there was 2 entrances into the bar and I missed the first one.
And then I was turning across the, the road of Four lane Rd.
(31:02):
and I saw her in the corner and it was like the first time I've
ever seen her. And like I didn't see anything
else. But I didn't hit him, thank God
and pulled in and we, we hugged and I just like, I'm going to
try and say this without being sappy as hell.
There were, I'm going to be sappy.
(31:24):
Sorry. There were two people in my life
that I knew that I loved before I met.
And my daughter was the first one and Melissa was the second.
And his his kid is a top notch human.
I mean, after that first meeting, Dan came to see me.
(31:45):
His stepdaughter had invited me to dinner for the special dinner
that they were having. So I went out for that.
And then he came through the winter, like he said, 5-6 times
after that. But then it was Sonia's chance,
the sister that lives in Austria, so the three of us and
(32:06):
Dan's beautiful Angel of a kid. We all flew out to Ireland.
So it's sort of like a happy medium spot.
So we got an Airbnb and just hung out in Ireland for a while,
just like a week. But it was awesome to just see.
That's. So my sister and my Big Brother
together and my. Little nibbling.
(32:29):
Wow. And Dan, how was it to meet
Sonja? It was incredible.
It was, it was really amazing and it was really cool just to
see that similarities between the two.
Both of them are just incredible, nice, giving people,
(32:50):
very compassionate and just, they're like, I mean, I, I just
don't even know what to say. I, I, I was always so worried
that I would finally find somebody and like, it wouldn't
matter. We wouldn't care, or they were
snobby or, you know, whatever. And they're just the opposite of
all that. They're just awesome.
(33:13):
I couldn't ask for better. I couldn't ask for more.
I really couldn't. Same bro.
I was visiting, we went on kind of a whirlwind tour visiting
friends in different spots and one friend in particular.
I mean, everybody is, is psychedfor us, possibly my husband
almost more than anyone. But this one friend, Shannon,
(33:36):
she's the first to cheerlead this situation for us.
And I don't know what what got her to say this or what got her
to to think this, but it made sense also.
And she goes, I never realized that you were looking for
something until you told me you had a brother.
And then it all clicked. So I thought that was really
(33:57):
nice. I love this.
I love this story. That's such a perfect bow on it.
But I, I would be remiss if I didn't ask Dan about your birth
mother and where that piece is because, you know, you kind of
have for now your answer around your biological father.
(34:20):
What have you learned about yourbiological mother?
Have you connected with any family on that side?
You know, going through the Ancestry, I also did 23andMe
prior, you know, to ancestry. And at one point I saw the last
name of someone that was the same as my supposedly my
(34:40):
mother's last name and it went nowhere.
One of the things that I did learn though in this search is
that prior to 19, and I don't know if it's true, I'm just
going off of what my friend who told me that I had a sister who
knows her stuff, I think from high school, she said that prior
(35:02):
to 1973 the adoption records were very inaccurate and they
weren't strict about getting real names of the mothers and
the dates of you know their ages.
And then in 1973, apparently something was passed, I'm not
sure exactly, but to where now they made it more accurate.
(35:25):
So I don't even know if the namethat I've been searching for
since my mother that adopted me told me her name like 30 years
ago is even legitimate. Even the first name, last name,
anything. I did actually find someone that
I thought might have matched, like the name and everything and
(35:45):
and they lived in Virginia or somewhere.
And I actually wrote her a letter and she was so sweet that
she wrote me a letter back saying that she had no
connections to Chicago. It almost makes you emotional
that a stranger was so nice to me.
And she said that I have no connection to Chicago
whatsoever. And I really do hope that you
(36:08):
find what you're looking for. She actually took the time to
write me back, put the letter inthe envelope, lick the stamp,
lick the envelope and send it tome, which I thought was
incredible. But I have no answers whatsoever
on my mother's side at all. Like complete zero.
To be honest, after what I foundalready, I kinda.
(36:32):
I'm not saying I don't care, butlike I'm so happy with what I
have already that I just don't even care.
If you say your like birthday and the hospital and maybe it
would ring a bell to someone, I don't know.
I've been listening to another podcast that has had me just
(36:55):
like crying, just thinking abouthis mom, Liberty Lost.
It's about women, girls, children who have to give up
their babies for adoption when they don't necessarily want to
and when they're not given all their options.
And it just, it, it's absolutelyheartbreaking.
And the whole time I I listened,I was thinking of what his mom
(37:19):
may have been going through in that 1970s.
I mean, I was born on June 10th,1970 at Grand Hospital in
Chicago. I don't.
I think I was born in the morning, but that's about all I
know. OK, well if anyone is listening
and might have any insight basedoff of that, please reach out.
(37:42):
You can reach me through the contact form at dnasurprises.com
and I'll be happy to pass your message on to Dan.
When I was going through the psychological tests through the
Oprah Winfrey Network and that show I was supposed to be on,
that broke my heart. They kept asking me so many
different questions and one of the questions was how are you
(38:04):
going to react if we do find anybody that you're related to
and they don't want anything to do with you?
And it caught me off guard at 1st and I get it.
For me, I mean, everybody has toevaluate what they're really
looking for in life, I guess. I think in the beginning of my
search, I was just looking to find out where I came from.
(38:26):
I wasn't necessarily looking forlost family members.
I would just wanted to know where I came from.
Obviously as the search went on,it meant a lot more than that.
But for me, the bottom line was if that was the case, because
(38:46):
I've been told by so many different people that there's so
many different outcomes of, of searches like this.
There's great ones, there's horrible ones, there's mediocre
ones, there's ones that just like nothing.
And if I found the two human beings that conceived me and
they didn't want anything to do with me at the point in my
(39:08):
search, I didn't really care. I'm not saying that I would have
loved that outcome, but at leastI would have known where I came
from. And if that's the least I'm
going to get, that's more than nothing.
And for me, the never knowing isworse than the not being wanted.
(39:29):
You're wanted. I mean, that's the best outcome
ever. So I got lucky.
I got lucky as hell. And I've never, I, I, I've never
been happier since I met Melissaand Sonia.
And honestly, I I'm, I have a new outlook on life.
(39:53):
What advice do you have for someone who has just uncovered
family, Somebody who's been searching and and just found
them? Obviously have an open mind.
I mean, my biggest fear was thatwe'd be so different than being
raised from different parts of the United States.
(40:17):
Like people are so different from the East Coast to the West
Coast to the Midwest to, you know, Texas, I mean, wherever.
I mean, obviously just keep an open mind and don't judge.
Don't be too early to judge anyone and I would say as much
(40:38):
as I hate to say this, keep yourexpectations low.
Hope. Don't expect.
That's a very good way of putting it.
Hope don't expect. Thank you, Melissa.
I feel like in some ways this really was your DNA surprise
because Dan was looking. He he knew somebody was out
(40:59):
there. He didn't know if it was
siblings or, or with the parentsor who he was going to find, but
he he was on a quest. So what advice do you have for
somebody who has uncovered Adna?Surprise, like finding a sibling
you didn't know was out there. I, I would say just kind of like
Dan said, be open to it. I think if you're not expecting
(41:22):
it and it happens. I mean, what's, what's the
problem with having more love around you, a bigger family?
You know, I started reading immediately about it and started
listening to podcasts like this one immediately about it and
just trying to figure out what Ishould do.
Like I said, I fired my therapist.
I hired anyone just trying to figure out what I should do and
and people said go slow, don't do anything too fast.
(41:45):
And and I think that's somethingto play by ear because I mean I
I did go fast, but because I felt like it was right, not
because I thought I should or I didn't want to hurt someones
feelings. I felt like I this person is
awesome. I want to know them in reality.
I would say as far as like hobbies go and like that sort of
more surfacey stuff. We have 0 in common.
(42:07):
But I can spend every moment of every day with this guy.
And so I would say just be open and just be willing to get to
know someone because it's just, it's just more love in your
life. And if it doesn't work out then
it's easy to just go. Not for me.
Melissa, Dan, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and
(42:28):
sharing your story. I think it perfectly
encapsulates how sometimes thesethings go right?
There's these beautiful relationships that can be formed
and these wonderful positive outcomes.
And sometimes not the outcome that you would have hoped for,
but it's so awesome to see the connection that you 2 have felt.
(42:49):
I really hope that you get more answers, Dan.
But I, it's amazing to see your outlook though on, on where
things are today and how you have accepted where things are
today. So thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thanks again to Dan and Melissa for sharing your story.
If you have Adna surprise that you'd like to share, please
(43:10):
submit your story at dnasurprises.com and for early
add free access to episodes, join me over on
patreon@patreon.com/DNA Surprises.
Until next time, This episode ofDNA Surprises was hosted,
produced and edited by me, Alexis Ourselt.
(43:32):
It was mixed and mastered by Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording
Studios.
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