June 3, 2025 • 39 mins
DNA surprises are often devastating to the people who uncover them, but imagine if the truth was a relief? Danielle grew up believing that her mother had four children by four different men, making all of her siblings half-siblings.
After taking a DNA test, Danielle learned that she actually shared a father with her younger sister. This news was more than welcomed by Danielle, who had fond memories of who she thought was a step-father.
She shares how this information affected her and how she’s building a relationship with her biological father through a different lens.
While Danielle has wondered what her life would have been like if she’d always known the truth, her overall attitude about he DNA surprise is one of positivity and silver linings.
Thank you for sharing your story, Danielle.
CONTENT WARNING: In this episode, there is some discussion of childhood sexual abuse that Danielle’s raised father perpetrated against her. Please take that into account before listening.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
It's been healing, I would say as well.
I'm very fortunate, I think, because a lot of stories that I
hear of people finding out aboutwho the family is in this kind
of way can be really, really traumatic.
And I guess mine is, is not really that traumatic.
(00:22):
It's really healing. Like I'm sad of all the things
that I've missed. And every now and then I'll stop
and think about that, but mostlyI just think about all the
things I've just gained. And yeah, I'm really fortunate.
And I wish other people in this situation could have a similar
experience because I know it doesn't go that way for most,
which is really unfortunate, butI am really lucky in that way.
(00:44):
Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the
world of unexpected DNA discoveries.
I'm your host, Alexis ourselves.In July 2021, my life took a
surprising turn when I found outthat I'm an N P/E, a person who
has experienced a non paternal event.
(01:05):
In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he
was. Join me as we explore the
stories of NP, ES, adoptees, anddonor conceived people and their
families. Get ready to unravel the
astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.
This is DNA surprises. DNA surprises are often
(01:30):
devastating to the people who uncover them.
But imagine if the truth was a relief.
Danielle grew up believing that her mother had four children by
4 different men, making all of her siblings half siblings.
After taking ADNA test, Daniellelearned that she actually shared
a father with her younger sister.
(01:51):
This news was more than welcomedby Danielle, who had fond
memories of who she thought was her stepfather.
She shares how this information affected her and how she's
building a relationship with herbiological father through a
different lens. While Danielle has wondered what
her life would have been like ifshe'd always known the truth,
her overall attitude about her DNA surprise is 1 of positivity
(02:15):
and Silver Linings. Thank you for sharing your
story, Danielle. Before we begin this episode, I
want to note for listeners that there is some discussion of
childhood sexual abuse that Danielle's raised father
perpetrated against her. Please take that into account
before listening. Hi, I'm Danielle, I am 35 years
(02:40):
old and I come from a little beach town in the South of Perth
in WA. I guess I'll start from the
early dates before I decided to take a DNA test.
My mom had four children, four of us 2, four different fathers
also. We thought I suppose I was the
(03:01):
first born. So she was quite young when she
had me. She just freshly turned 18.
She was dating a man called and to my knowledge that was my
father. He was told that fact.
I didn't actually meet him for acouple of years, though.
My mom went off and had me in another town and we didn't
(03:23):
actually meet until a couple of years later as well.
In that period she had another child.
She'd come back to Kalgoorlie, she had reconnected with an old
flame who apparently she had hadan affair with while she was
with and they had another child and they got married and they
were happily married for a whilebefore my mom decided to leave
(03:47):
him and I guess met another man and had another child.
So a little bit of a confusing story there, but there's four of
us. And this was all your knowledge,
so you knew that you all had different fathers.
And that's part of your story, your origins.
Yeah, so all of us were half siblings to our knowledge.
My mom then moved over to the Eastern States and I stayed in
(04:12):
WA with my we'll call him and his wife at the time.
Was he on your birth certificate?
He was, but not until a few years after.
So he didn't actually end up on there OK until I was about four.
So you stayed with and his wife while your mother?
Moved, that's right. So maybe around four or five
years old. I did struggle with that a
(04:33):
little bit. It was my decision.
She did ask do you want to come and I said no.
Also I was, you know, very young, so I did feel quite a
sense of abandonment from that. Anyway, I used to visit yearly,
so I'd go over at Christmas timeand I'd see my family over in
Victoria along with my siblings.Funnily enough, we all knew each
(04:54):
other's fathers except the one that I knew was my father.
But I knew the other fathers andI had quite a good relationship
with all three of them. So that was nice growing up, at
least I had a little bit of a connection to these people.
That's the early story. So I had no knowledge that there
was anything different. To be quite honest, I thought I
looked like a lot of my family members on my paternal side.
(05:17):
So I never questioned anything. But I actually wasn't aware that
other people had questioned it. And other people in the
background wondered why I lookedso much like one of my other
siblings fathers. And no.
And he even thought so. Brad is the man who I've
discovered is my biological father.
(05:38):
He thought I was his child, and he questioned it as well.
But nobody told me. So I never knew until earlier
this year. I must have been around May.
So Ancestry, we're having a Mother's Day sale for DNA tests.
I'm very impulsive. So I was like, sure, let's go
for it. My partner was very skeptical.
I think he'd seen some, I don't know, show some American satire
(06:02):
show, I suppose that was talkingabout what they do with your
DNA, what they could use it for.And I'm like, I don't really
care, to be honest. I don't think it's, they're not
going to pin me for something that I didn't do, surely I
didn't really care so much. He did make a random comment.
Imagine if you found out your dad wasn't your dad.
We just laughed it off and I kind of said that'd be the
(06:25):
greatest thing ever because it was actually a perpetrator of
childhood sexual abuse towards me.
So I had no relationship with this man from 12 onwards and I
was. Obviously, I'm so sorry, yeah.
Thanks. It's, it's been a journey, but I
kind of hoped for the day that might happen thinking it would
(06:45):
never would. So I sat on the test for about a
month and I finally took it and it took so long to come back.
I forgot that I'd even done it to be honest.
And I had this really random thought one morning and I was
like, I didn't see if my DNA hascome back in.
It's probably like 8 or so weekslater, maybe more.
(07:06):
So I opened up my emails, went through my Ancestry account and
the first thing and the only thing I was really interested in
was MyHeritage, where I was from.
That was all I was looking for. I was just thought this could be
interesting. I don't really know what I was
looking for. I certainly wasn't looking for
DNA matches. Kind of didn't think that was a
thing in there that would come up.
(07:27):
It didn't cross my mind at the time.
First thing I saw then was that I had a strong Scottish and
Irish connection and Irish was very expected.
My grandfather on my maternal side is Irish and Scottish
though was not. My paternal side was all English
to my knowledge. So they've gone back a couple of
(07:48):
generations, Australian and thenEnglish.
I panicked a little bit and I contacted my Nana and I said
this is weird, Is anyone in the family Scottish?
And she's like, no, not to my knowledge, except for my great,
great grandmother. And I think I had a little
suspicion almost immediately that there was something not
(08:09):
right. And then I saw the DNA matches.
There was 22 male males that came up immediately that was
saying that they were likely an uncle, a paternal uncle.
I recognized the surnames of both of these men.
I didn't know for sure if they were siblings of the person I
(08:32):
thought, but I think all the pieces fit into place.
But I went into a bit of panic from there.
So sorry. My sister who shares the same
biological father as me that we now know she lives in Perth as
well. So I contacted her.
I said to her, does your dad have a brother named Tim and
(08:54):
Steve? And she said yes, why?
And I was like, I'm pretty sure that your dad is my dad.
And the very ironic part about this is that Brad, who is our
biological father, was visiting Perth at the time and staying
with my sister. So he's normally from NSW and he
(09:15):
was here in WA at Katie's house.My sister, immediately he knew
and he confirmed all the details.
He gave me some of the back story and we arranged to meet.
We organized a private DNA test that my sister and Brad, all
three of us did just to confirm that, you know, this was
(09:36):
actually my father. And of course, it came back
99.99, whatever percent that this would be your paternal
match. So yeah, that was that was
massive. I think I spent a whole week
walking around in shock just blurting out to anyone who came
past and asked me how it was that this that I just found out
my dad wasn't my dad. It was an interesting time to
(09:59):
say the least. You mentioned at the beginning
that you later found out that Brad had suspected and other
people had suspected this, but at the time you found out, you
didn't know. Was it a complete shock to you?
Was there any part of you that went instantly like this kind of
makes sense now or was it just complete shock?
(10:23):
Immediately it made sense, whichI find really odd.
But I had photos from my childhood and I remember looking
at them going, I look so much like my sister Katie, and she
looks so much like her dad, likeI look like Katie and her dad.
That's so strange. And other people had noticed it
(10:44):
in my family. And I'd say, like my stepmom
said, yeah, you do, don't you? But you know, we just thought
mom's genes must have been coming through and we were just
saying that. So although I had absolutely 0
suspicions, it did all make sense in that moment.
And as soon as I saw those two last names, I knew that Brad was
my dad. It was, yeah, this random moment
(11:05):
of everything just suddenly fit in place.
You mentioned at the beginning too, that Brad was somebody that
your mother had had an affair with while she was with.
What I now know Brad let me knowthat this was the story.
My mom did not tell me this so Ihad no knowledge that she was
with two men at the time. That was yet not my knowledge
(11:28):
until after until I spoke to Brad.
But he said that my mom and Ryanwere sleeping in a tent in his
backyard. My mom was working for him as
his apprentice and one night shecame in and they hooked up and
she got caught by allegedly. So this was the story that Brad
told me. My mom told me that she left
(11:54):
because he was abusive and that that was all I know.
So I actually don't know exactlywhat happened.
When I confronted my mom immediately when I found this
out, I said when were you going to tell me that Brad is my dad
and not? And she denied it and she said
that's not possible. I haven't been with Brad and I
said, well, it has to be DNA doesn't lie.
(12:15):
And even up until the moment that I sent her my DNA test that
I did with Brad that stated veryclearly, she still says to her
knowledge that she did not sleepwith Brad.
So the story on her and is very different.
But I will say she's not particularly a reliable person.
So I don't always trust what comes out of her mouth
(12:38):
necessarily. But she does acknowledge that
she was with him at some point because she had your sister,
correct? So she's just saying before that
she has no recollection. Yes.
So when I was conceived, she's saying she doesn't recall that
happening. Then she had me in another town.
So she's left, had me in anothertown, met with another man, had
(13:02):
my brother, and then she's come back to our hometown small
country town, and then she's reunited with Brad and her and
Brad then had a child and got married.
So there was a child in between us to a different father.
OK. Yeah, OK.
It's very confusing to to tell that part.
(13:23):
One, yeah, no, it I mean it does, it makes sense.
So at that point now you have a full sibling.
You thought you always had 1/2 sibling.
How does that feel and what's your sister's reaction?
My sister was absolutely over the moon because Brad had never
had other children so it was just her and then it was only
(13:44):
the half siblings. We had a good relationship but
we were all separated. We all lived with different
families, different states around the place.
A lot of us ended up with the fathers.
I think only my youngest stayed with our mom before eventually
leaving in her teens. So we all felt a little
disconnected being half siblings.
(14:05):
And there's a weird sense of loneliness when they're not your
full sibling. And it's, it just doesn't feel
quite the same. As much as I love them as
siblings, it's just not the same.
And I had two brothers, have twobrothers from as well, so that
they were my half siblings as well to to my knowledge at the
time. And I always felt that was so
(14:27):
weird. I have so many siblings, but
they're all half. There's no full siblings here,
so it was nice. Did you keep contact with anyone
else from family after you stopped contact with him?
Rightly so. Did you still have a
relationship with your brothers or any extended family members?
Yeah, I did. When this came out, that this
(14:49):
was happening, I was around 12. I was living with my stepmom,
who was married to. I'd separated but I chose to
stay with her because she was, you know, nurturing, motherly,
all the things, and she'd raisedme since I was quite young
alongside him. So I was living with my stepmom
and my two brothers. So I stayed in contact with
(15:10):
them. I was living with them and
continued to do so until I movedout of home.
I still had a relationship with his mother as my Nana and I
still do. Although since finding out this
news, she's quite conflicted andour relationship's been
conflicting because she maintains a relationship with
her son, knowing what he did to me.
(15:33):
So that was always a little bit of a sticking point for me.
But I did allow her to continue a relationship because she does
love me. And she's she's very kind.
And you know, a different generation of, you know, they
have different views on how the world works.
No answers from your mother. No.
And I must admit I did cut contact with her at the point
(15:55):
where I sent her the DNA from Brad and I, I cut contact
because I, I knew what her response was going to be.
I just wanted to give her an opportunity to maybe give me
something else. I don't know.
And I didn't even know if I wanted an apology, just some
kind of empathy. I don't know, something which I
didn't get. So I cut my contact with her at
(16:18):
that point and I knew that I wasgoing to do that prior because
I've done it before with her. Our relationships been difficult
from the beginning, so it's not the first time I've done this
and it was just, it was probablywaiting to happen.
So yeah, I don't know where she stands with this all at the
moment and she hasn't contacted me and she could contact me.
OK, so your mother you're not having contact with you do not
(16:43):
have contact with you do have contact with your half brother.
Well, who? Who you thought were your half?
Brothers, the half brothers. That you grew up with as well as
your stepmom. What do they make of this
situation? It was very confusing.
One part of them that was reallyhappy for me because they knew
(17:04):
that it meant that was not my father and they knew that would
bring me so much comfort and peace.
Another part that was sad that they're not my siblings.
But I don't think it's changed anything.
And they know that it's that hasn't changed.
And I've never put a lot of waiton blood relatives over anything
(17:27):
else because I wasn't raised by my blood relatives.
It was my stepmom and her ex, her family, her parents that are
not my blood relatives. But they were the biggest role
in my life. So it's never been important to
me anyway. So they knew that that wouldn't
change and nothing's changed forus.
Just I think mentally for them, it feels a little bit different.
(17:48):
They feel angry at their dad because they're like, it's not
your dad at their dad. And so that's been some
conflicting feelings for them aswell because they don't have a
relationship with him either. To your knowledge to know that
you are not his biological child.
I'm don't know. There is a little part of me
(18:09):
that wonders if he did know, butI don't believe so.
My stepmom is absolutely certainthere's no way he could have
known. There has been some gossip from
extended family friends that hell are like, you know, we
heard this and I'm like, I don'tknow that I believe that
necessarily. So I don't put any weight on any
of that either it. Certainly doesn't excuse
(18:31):
anything. No, no.
So I, I'm not sure to be honest with you.
I would like to think that he didn't know because I feel like
it would be very unfair if thesepeople did know this and did not
tell me. I don't know if he knows.
Now, my Nana knows and she was abit skeptical in the beginning
(18:53):
and she's like, how do you believe these things?
And she said she hadn't confronted him on the last
conversation I had, but I hoped that she would to be honest, but
I don't know if she has. I can't really question it.
I'm not going to go and talk to him.
So I've just left that for now focused on more important
things. So.
(19:14):
You're in this kind of unusual situation of you very much know
who your biological father is, and he is the biological father
of who you thought all of your life was your half sibling.
So how do you go about building a relationship with him in a
(19:37):
different kind of way once he learns that you are his
daughter? That's been a really interesting
one because he's a man I always was fond of.
And the day before I found out about this DNA surprise, I had
been seeing my psychologist and we were going over a timeline
because my family tree is incredibly complicated before
(19:59):
this alone after. And she asked me about the first
four years of my life. And in that time, who do I
remember that was loving, nurturing, you know, those who
were the people that you can remember from that time.
And the one person that came up there was Brad.
That gives me chills now thinking back because it was
(20:21):
literally the next morning I woke up to find out this news
and it was paired with the fact he was also in WA visiting.
I just know that it was meant tohappen at that time.
On a lot of my visits over to Victoria, he would also come in
and visit for Christmas and we'dgo camping with family and he
would often be there. So I would see him probably
(20:43):
every other year maybe. So I still had some contact with
him and I didn't know that wholetime he'd been questioning.
He actually still just imagined me to be his daughter throughout
that whole time and just never felt like he could say anything.
And he did actually ask for a DNA test when I was very young.
My mum declined and he feels really upset that he didn't
(21:06):
pursue that further or ask me because I certainly would have
taken a DNA test much sooner. But the relationship with him
it's been, he has been over the moon.
He's very old school. He is a man who just travels
around in his car with his dog and lives off the grid in NSW.
(21:28):
Lots of love give. He's like person that calls, he
doesn't like texting. He doesn't have social media
which is very odd and weird for me.
So he will often call me and it's really nice.
It's just so awkward because I'mlike, I don't like calls at the
best of times and I'm talking toyou like I know you and my
(21:48):
father, but it feels it's still in that awkward face and I don't
know how to receive love from a father in that kind of way.
So that's really tricky. So he will sign off the call
saying love you and I, I say it back, but it's really weird.
I'm just like this is this is such a strange feeling.
(22:11):
So you said that when you spoke to your psychologist the day
before you found all of this out, he was somebody that stuck
out in your memory. Did you spend a lot of time with
him when you were younger? Yeah, when when he and my mom
were married, we lived together in a house as a family.
So there was the three kids at that time, mom Brad were
(22:32):
married, Brad was raising us. And I remember the house that we
lived in and I recently went back to the country town we grew
up. And after I'd found out about
him being my father and I took, went into the old house and took
a photo of it and sent it off tohim as well, just for memories.
Because that house is, I remember that being a stable
part of my life for a brief period, but it was a stable
(22:55):
part. And he had purchased in this
time when they were married, he purchased a house in NSW for us
to move to as a family. Him and my mom agreed You know
all five of us were going to move over there so he purchased
the house and we then only probably 3 or 4 days I'm told
before due to get in the car anddrive over.
(23:19):
My mum left him for another man.So none of us went and he ended
up having to go on his own because he had work he bought
this house. So at that point he was just
heartbroken as well. I think he probably lost his way
for a little bit, not quite knowing what to do with himself.
So he yeah, that that was a difficult time for him.
(23:41):
I think he didn't ever quite recover from it, to be honest.
He's not remarried. He's not had any other children
or anything in that period. So yeah, that was really sad
because our lives would have been a whole lot different.
Something that comes up for people in our community are the
what ifs. Yeah.
(24:01):
And for you, having had such a traumatic childhood in the home
that you were in with and your stepmother, did you have those
feelings of what your life wouldhave been like if you'd known
that it was Brad all along and never would have been in that
(24:23):
house? Yeah, that was probably the
hardest part for me. I think finding out Brad was my
dad was this weird blessing in disguise that I was this thing
that I knew, never knew I needed, but I didn't.
It was an immediate weight lifted off my shoulders that I
wasn't connected to my children,didn't have to be connected to
(24:46):
him in a biological sense. All of the things that worried
me lifted. So that was so nice.
But I was really angry at the fact that I wasn't given an
opportunity to have a better life.
I will say that the life if I had of stayed with my mom when
(25:08):
she separated from Brad and wentto Melbourne would not have been
any better. Maybe it would have been worse.
My siblings experienced an extreme amount of abuse in the
household themselves so living with her was not going to be
much better. But had she have stayed with
Brad and they had gone to NSW where he's got a lot of family,
(25:29):
a lot of very warm and welcomingfamily.
They have all embraced me beautifully.
Like it's been incredible. Just suddenly I've got this
whole family that's also some ofthem knew or felt that this that
I was always brides anyway. Yeah.
So definitely was one of the thethings that upset me the most.
(25:50):
I think about the whole situation, aside from the lies,
it was just what could have been.
You said that Brad's family has welcomed you with open arms and
that they're very warm. He says.
I love you when you hang up the phone and that's something that
you're navigating. How are you dealing with this
(26:13):
complete kind of change to your family dynamic as you've
understood it to this point? Oh, I am a I don't know how to
explain, but I am known as an over sharer.
I'm a very open book. So I just kind of going not even
thinking. I just things, just I just say
(26:35):
all the things. So I have spoken to Brad's got
four siblings, He's got two sisters and two brothers and
then I've got children. So I've spoken to some of my
aunties and told them my whole life story essentially.
I just, it doesn't feel too strange, but it is over social
media and there's that disconnect.
(26:56):
It's not in person. So it's easier to have those
conversations and share those things about your life, I guess.
I think one of my aunties had made this comment on, I put a
post on my Facebook just on my private 1 and it was about
finding out that, you know, Bradwas my bio father and just a
(27:17):
little spiel about what had happened.
And one of my aunties had commented on it saying you have
just hit the jackpot. Brad is the most amazing, caring
man. And I bawled my eyes out and I'm
not a crier. I'm not a crier at all.
But that was the most amazing thing.
I just felt so I don't know, it was beautiful and the little
(27:40):
things matter and I didn't know that they mattered.
So Brad has sent both of my boyshave had birthdays in October
and December and he sent them a card in the mail with some money
to say happy birthday. And of course that made me cry.
I was like, I didn't even know that you knew my kids birthdays.
And the fact you sent them a card with a gift is more than I
(28:02):
could ever imagine because we'vethat's, we've never had that.
It's just not. My kids have always had such a
disconnect from their grandparents because of my
complex family. So it was, it's been really
lovely in that aspect. So your kids know, how are they
taking all of this? This was a tricky 1 because my
(28:22):
kids, my older boy, he's 8, he'sjust turned out.
And I used to tell them he startwould start coming to me and
saying, do you have a dad? Who is your dad?
And I found that really hard oneto explain.
So I would say something like, yes, I do have a dad, but I
don't I don't see him because he's not a very nice man.
(28:42):
And you know, as kids do they ask more questions?
Why? Why isn't he a nice man?
Is he in jail? Why isn't he in jail?
All of these questions that comeup and I'm just like, how do I
answer this? So my kids were of the
understanding that I had a father.
I don't see him because he's a bad person, a bad man.
That was all they know. So then when this happened I had
(29:06):
to try and explain to them that that person that was the bad man
isn't my father and that this one is and that he's not a bad
man. So that was really tricky and I
don't know if they fully grasp it.
I also believe in honesty. I feel like they need to know.
They shouldn't be left in a state of confusion.
(29:27):
So I try and be open about the things in a child sensitive way.
My youngest has autism, so he's very, he's very much just Oh
yeah, cool, you know, excited. And they refer to Brad as my new
dad. I think that's how I refer to
him like my new dad. So it's the only way I could
think to help them understand. But they've been OK with it.
(29:48):
There's still a distance. They've met him a few times when
he was visiting. I've spoken to him briefly on
the phone to say thank you for the cards.
So they they know and they did meet my cousin.
So my cousin did visit from NSW just last week I think.
And yeah, that was nice. So one of my uncle's daughters,
she came over, she wanted to meet me.
(30:10):
She's about 10 years younger, but we'd have a very similar
resemblance. She was staring at me the whole
time and I was like, weird, whatare you, why are you staring at
me? And she said after it's because
she's was just spun out by how similar we looked.
Yeah, it's it's a lot to take in.
So this is not very many months away, about six months.
(30:32):
How have you been processing this?
What is helping you move throughit?
I've been writing a lot. So my lifelong dream was to
write a book well before this. And I've always worked in mental
health and in those kind of fields of work where I do a lot
of, I guess, caring, nurturing type of roles.
(30:54):
So I thought I would love to be able to share my story with
people because I'm quite proud of where I've come.
Despite my my background, I havea really beautiful life and
family and doing all the things I could have only dreamed of.
So writing has been really helpful and this DNA surprise
has been the thing that I neededto be able to make to start this
(31:19):
book that I've been wanting to do for 10 years or more.
This was the point I felt like was it's the beginning of the
end or the end of the beginning.It's just this moment where I
knew this is what everything wasleading to so that I could do my
next piece of work. In that period, I was already
seeing a psychologist, as I mentioned, so I was able to talk
through with her. I just talk a lot about it.
(31:42):
I share a lot on my social mediaas well.
I find it easier to share with people that don't know me
directly. You don't tend to get as many
confused looks or more inquisitive people on social
media as opposed to the ones in your life who are like, maybe
questioning it and like, is thatreal?
(32:02):
Can you really go off these DNA tests and things like that?
Sorry, I haven't had too much negative feedback, which is
good. Most people have been equally as
shocked. But yeah, I've been trying to do
a lot more for myself in the wayof getting out.
I love the nature. I love nature.
I love going out for Bush walks for the ocean.
(32:22):
We're very close, so I've been spending a lot of time trying to
get up earlier, go for a walk soI can start my day fresh.
It's been healing, I would say as well.
I'm very fortunate, I think, because a lot of stories that I
hear of people finding out aboutwho the family is in this kind
(32:43):
of way can be really, really traumatic.
And I guess mine is is not really that traumatic.
It's really healing. Like I'm sad of all the things
that I've missed. And every now and then I'll stop
and think about that. But mostly I just think about
all the things I've just gained.And yeah, I'm really fortunate.
(33:04):
And I wish other people in this situation could have a similar
experience because I know it doesn't go that way for most,
which is really unfortunate, butI am really lucky in that way.
What do you hope for next? I mean you, you haven't even hit
one year yet so you are just starting on this journey.
What do you hope? For well, I think Brad has made
(33:26):
it quite clear that he wants to be able to move to WA to spend
more time with me and my sister.We're moving to the center of
the state very soon, which for him is quite nice because he
actually really loves to travel and he's a bit of a grey nomad.
He just gets in his Ute with hisdog and he will go anywhere.
He doesn't care how far it is. I hate driving, he loves it.
(33:48):
I think he's planning to sell upin NSW, get himself a caravan
and then he will probably come and spend some time with us up
where we're moving to in the Pilbara.
And hopefully we'll get to know each other a little bit more, I
guess more personally. Yeah.
So that that's what I think willcome.
(34:10):
And yeah, hopefully I'll write my book and I'm starting a new
job and lots of things happening.
So all of that's very exciting, moving to a tiny little country
town. That's great, yeah.
Where it comes to my, I guess myidentity and the impact of not
knowing or being told someone isyour father.
(34:30):
When I had my first child, I didnot want to carry the name of
into the delivery with my son. I didn't want any of his birth
records to have that name. I wasn't married at the time,
still not married, but I wasn't married.
And I went to great lengths to legally change my name while I
was pregnant so that I didn't carry the surname of.
(34:53):
And looking back, that just fills me with a little bit of
sadness and anger. And I don't know really, but
mostly sadness and anger that I had to go to so much length to
do that. And I said to my partner who
I've been with for 10 years, I said, this is your options.
I'm either going to we're going to a registry office and we're
(35:14):
going to elope so I can change my name or I'm going to legally
change it to your name. Which one?
We weren't even engaged. We'd been together for a long
time. And it's like just change it,
whatever. We're still not married.
We are now engaged. But I did that.
I changed my name legally to my partners.
So all of my birth records have that.
So looking back, I'm just like that never needed to happen.
(35:35):
That never needed to happen. So that's been a journey.
And I think the next part of that is I would like to see if I
can change my birth certificate to reflect my birth father.
Don't know if I can not or not, but that's path I'm going to
have a look down so well good. Luck with that because that's
something that so many people, Ithink unless you've been through
(35:56):
the experience, you don't necessarily understand the
closure that that can provide orlike the piece that that can
provide just to have your records accurately reflect.
It's such a, it seems such a miniscule thing for most I
think, but it really isn't. It's really big, like it's my
whole identity and I even thingslike my e-mail address.
(36:18):
I've had to change my e-mail address and now I'm like, how do
I get everything from one e-mailto the other?
Because this carries that name that I had so much like hurt
over anyway. Now I'm like, it wasn't even my
name in the 1st place. So it's just so many little
things that pop up for me that I'm like, yeah.
What advice do you have for a parent who's keeping a DNA
(36:39):
surprise from their child? Oh, gosh.
I mean, I just think it's alwaysbetter to be honest.
Always. Because otherwise you end up in
a situation 35 years later whereyour children might not want to
talk to you because you've just found it out by accident.
They need to know. It's really important, Really,
(37:01):
really important. What advice do you have to
someone like yourself who just found out that they have adna
surprise? Don't follow my advice, I guess,
because mine would be to just blur it all out and get it out.
I know some people aren't like that.
Some people like to get it off their chest.
That worked for me. I needed to tell the whole world
immediately because that's the only way that I know how to
(37:23):
process things healthily. But I probably do things too
fast because of that. So I don't think of the
consequences of who might be affected by this.
I just go to whoever I need to and say this has just happened
without thinking how that might impact them.
If I could go back, I probably would have sat with it a little
(37:44):
bit more and been a little bit more tactful about how I share
this information with people. So taking a little bit more time
and remembering that we didn't choose this, this is not wasn't
our choice. I always like to think I've had
a difficult life, but I don't let any of those things define
me. I can choose tomorrow, I can
(38:06):
choose how my life looks. I'd say I'd like to think of
myself as quite a positive person and I can always see the
positives. So just grab onto all those
little positive things in your life that you can to keep a
grasp on, you know, the things that you are grateful for
because it can be really hard attimes.
Danielle, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and
(38:26):
sharing your story. Again, I have said it a couple
times, but just to to share so vulnerably after this happened
so recently, I know will help other people who are just in the
throes of of figuring all of this out.
So thank you so much for coming on.
I hope that your relationship with Brad continues to blossom
(38:47):
and I look forward to reading your book.
Thank you. Thank you for the opportunity.
It's been great. Thanks again to Danielle for
sharing her story. If you have Adna Surprise that
you'd like to share, please submit your story at
dnasurprises.com and for early add free access to episodes,
join me over on patreon@patreon.com/DNA
(39:08):
Surprises. Until next time.
This episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited
by me Alexis Ourselt. It was mixed and mastered by
Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.
It's been healing, I would say as well.
I'm very fortunate, I think, because a lot of stories that I
hear of people finding out aboutwho the family is in this kind
of way can be really, really traumatic.
And I guess mine is, is not really that traumatic.
(00:22):
It's really healing. Like I'm sad of all the things
that I've missed. And every now and then I'll stop
and think about that, but mostlyI just think about all the
things I've just gained. And yeah, I'm really fortunate.
And I wish other people in this situation could have a similar
experience because I know it doesn't go that way for most,
which is really unfortunate, butI am really lucky in that way.
(00:44):
Welcome to DNA Surprises, a podcast that delves into the
world of unexpected DNA discoveries.
I'm your host, Alexis ourselves.In July 2021, my life took a
surprising turn when I found outthat I'm an N P/E, a person who
has experienced a non paternal event.
(01:05):
In other words, my biological father isn't who I thought he
was. Join me as we explore the
stories of NP, ES, adoptees, anddonor conceived people and their
families. Get ready to unravel the
astonishing journeys that begin with a simple DNA test.
This is DNA surprises. DNA surprises are often
(01:30):
devastating to the people who uncover them.
But imagine if the truth was a relief.
Danielle grew up believing that her mother had four children by
4 different men, making all of her siblings half siblings.
After taking ADNA test, Daniellelearned that she actually shared
a father with her younger sister.
(01:51):
This news was more than welcomedby Danielle, who had fond
memories of who she thought was her stepfather.
She shares how this information affected her and how she's
building a relationship with herbiological father through a
different lens. While Danielle has wondered what
her life would have been like ifshe'd always known the truth,
her overall attitude about her DNA surprise is 1 of positivity
(02:15):
and Silver Linings. Thank you for sharing your
story, Danielle. Before we begin this episode, I
want to note for listeners that there is some discussion of
childhood sexual abuse that Danielle's raised father
perpetrated against her. Please take that into account
before listening. Hi, I'm Danielle, I am 35 years
(02:40):
old and I come from a little beach town in the South of Perth
in WA. I guess I'll start from the
early dates before I decided to take a DNA test.
My mom had four children, four of us 2, four different fathers
also. We thought I suppose I was the
(03:01):
first born. So she was quite young when she
had me. She just freshly turned 18.
She was dating a man called and to my knowledge that was my
father. He was told that fact.
I didn't actually meet him for acouple of years, though.
My mom went off and had me in another town and we didn't
(03:23):
actually meet until a couple of years later as well.
In that period she had another child.
She'd come back to Kalgoorlie, she had reconnected with an old
flame who apparently she had hadan affair with while she was
with and they had another child and they got married and they
were happily married for a whilebefore my mom decided to leave
(03:47):
him and I guess met another man and had another child.
So a little bit of a confusing story there, but there's four of
us. And this was all your knowledge,
so you knew that you all had different fathers.
And that's part of your story, your origins.
Yeah, so all of us were half siblings to our knowledge.
My mom then moved over to the Eastern States and I stayed in
(04:12):
WA with my we'll call him and his wife at the time.
Was he on your birth certificate?
He was, but not until a few years after.
So he didn't actually end up on there OK until I was about four.
So you stayed with and his wife while your mother?
Moved, that's right. So maybe around four or five
years old. I did struggle with that a
(04:33):
little bit. It was my decision.
She did ask do you want to come and I said no.
Also I was, you know, very young, so I did feel quite a
sense of abandonment from that. Anyway, I used to visit yearly,
so I'd go over at Christmas timeand I'd see my family over in
Victoria along with my siblings.Funnily enough, we all knew each
(04:54):
other's fathers except the one that I knew was my father.
But I knew the other fathers andI had quite a good relationship
with all three of them. So that was nice growing up, at
least I had a little bit of a connection to these people.
That's the early story. So I had no knowledge that there
was anything different. To be quite honest, I thought I
looked like a lot of my family members on my paternal side.
(05:17):
So I never questioned anything. But I actually wasn't aware that
other people had questioned it. And other people in the
background wondered why I lookedso much like one of my other
siblings fathers. And no.
And he even thought so. Brad is the man who I've
discovered is my biological father.
(05:38):
He thought I was his child, and he questioned it as well.
But nobody told me. So I never knew until earlier
this year. I must have been around May.
So Ancestry, we're having a Mother's Day sale for DNA tests.
I'm very impulsive. So I was like, sure, let's go
for it. My partner was very skeptical.
I think he'd seen some, I don't know, show some American satire
(06:02):
show, I suppose that was talkingabout what they do with your
DNA, what they could use it for.And I'm like, I don't really
care, to be honest. I don't think it's, they're not
going to pin me for something that I didn't do, surely I
didn't really care so much. He did make a random comment.
Imagine if you found out your dad wasn't your dad.
We just laughed it off and I kind of said that'd be the
(06:25):
greatest thing ever because it was actually a perpetrator of
childhood sexual abuse towards me.
So I had no relationship with this man from 12 onwards and I
was. Obviously, I'm so sorry, yeah.
Thanks. It's, it's been a journey, but I
kind of hoped for the day that might happen thinking it would
(06:45):
never would. So I sat on the test for about a
month and I finally took it and it took so long to come back.
I forgot that I'd even done it to be honest.
And I had this really random thought one morning and I was
like, I didn't see if my DNA hascome back in.
It's probably like 8 or so weekslater, maybe more.
(07:06):
So I opened up my emails, went through my Ancestry account and
the first thing and the only thing I was really interested in
was MyHeritage, where I was from.
That was all I was looking for. I was just thought this could be
interesting. I don't really know what I was
looking for. I certainly wasn't looking for
DNA matches. Kind of didn't think that was a
thing in there that would come up.
(07:27):
It didn't cross my mind at the time.
First thing I saw then was that I had a strong Scottish and
Irish connection and Irish was very expected.
My grandfather on my maternal side is Irish and Scottish
though was not. My paternal side was all English
to my knowledge. So they've gone back a couple of
(07:48):
generations, Australian and thenEnglish.
I panicked a little bit and I contacted my Nana and I said
this is weird, Is anyone in the family Scottish?
And she's like, no, not to my knowledge, except for my great,
great grandmother. And I think I had a little
suspicion almost immediately that there was something not
(08:09):
right. And then I saw the DNA matches.
There was 22 male males that came up immediately that was
saying that they were likely an uncle, a paternal uncle.
I recognized the surnames of both of these men.
I didn't know for sure if they were siblings of the person I
(08:32):
thought, but I think all the pieces fit into place.
But I went into a bit of panic from there.
So sorry. My sister who shares the same
biological father as me that we now know she lives in Perth as
well. So I contacted her.
I said to her, does your dad have a brother named Tim and
(08:54):
Steve? And she said yes, why?
And I was like, I'm pretty sure that your dad is my dad.
And the very ironic part about this is that Brad, who is our
biological father, was visiting Perth at the time and staying
with my sister. So he's normally from NSW and he
(09:15):
was here in WA at Katie's house.My sister, immediately he knew
and he confirmed all the details.
He gave me some of the back story and we arranged to meet.
We organized a private DNA test that my sister and Brad, all
three of us did just to confirm that, you know, this was
(09:36):
actually my father. And of course, it came back
99.99, whatever percent that this would be your paternal
match. So yeah, that was that was
massive. I think I spent a whole week
walking around in shock just blurting out to anyone who came
past and asked me how it was that this that I just found out
my dad wasn't my dad. It was an interesting time to
(09:59):
say the least. You mentioned at the beginning
that you later found out that Brad had suspected and other
people had suspected this, but at the time you found out, you
didn't know. Was it a complete shock to you?
Was there any part of you that went instantly like this kind of
makes sense now or was it just complete shock?
(10:23):
Immediately it made sense, whichI find really odd.
But I had photos from my childhood and I remember looking
at them going, I look so much like my sister Katie, and she
looks so much like her dad, likeI look like Katie and her dad.
That's so strange. And other people had noticed it
(10:44):
in my family. And I'd say, like my stepmom
said, yeah, you do, don't you? But you know, we just thought
mom's genes must have been coming through and we were just
saying that. So although I had absolutely 0
suspicions, it did all make sense in that moment.
And as soon as I saw those two last names, I knew that Brad was
my dad. It was, yeah, this random moment
(11:05):
of everything just suddenly fit in place.
You mentioned at the beginning too, that Brad was somebody that
your mother had had an affair with while she was with.
What I now know Brad let me knowthat this was the story.
My mom did not tell me this so Ihad no knowledge that she was
with two men at the time. That was yet not my knowledge
(11:28):
until after until I spoke to Brad.
But he said that my mom and Ryanwere sleeping in a tent in his
backyard. My mom was working for him as
his apprentice and one night shecame in and they hooked up and
she got caught by allegedly. So this was the story that Brad
told me. My mom told me that she left
(11:54):
because he was abusive and that that was all I know.
So I actually don't know exactlywhat happened.
When I confronted my mom immediately when I found this
out, I said when were you going to tell me that Brad is my dad
and not? And she denied it and she said
that's not possible. I haven't been with Brad and I
said, well, it has to be DNA doesn't lie.
(12:15):
And even up until the moment that I sent her my DNA test that
I did with Brad that stated veryclearly, she still says to her
knowledge that she did not sleepwith Brad.
So the story on her and is very different.
But I will say she's not particularly a reliable person.
So I don't always trust what comes out of her mouth
(12:38):
necessarily. But she does acknowledge that
she was with him at some point because she had your sister,
correct? So she's just saying before that
she has no recollection. Yes.
So when I was conceived, she's saying she doesn't recall that
happening. Then she had me in another town.
So she's left, had me in anothertown, met with another man, had
(13:02):
my brother, and then she's come back to our hometown small
country town, and then she's reunited with Brad and her and
Brad then had a child and got married.
So there was a child in between us to a different father.
OK. Yeah, OK.
It's very confusing to to tell that part.
(13:23):
One, yeah, no, it I mean it does, it makes sense.
So at that point now you have a full sibling.
You thought you always had 1/2 sibling.
How does that feel and what's your sister's reaction?
My sister was absolutely over the moon because Brad had never
had other children so it was just her and then it was only
(13:44):
the half siblings. We had a good relationship but
we were all separated. We all lived with different
families, different states around the place.
A lot of us ended up with the fathers.
I think only my youngest stayed with our mom before eventually
leaving in her teens. So we all felt a little
disconnected being half siblings.
(14:05):
And there's a weird sense of loneliness when they're not your
full sibling. And it's, it just doesn't feel
quite the same. As much as I love them as
siblings, it's just not the same.
And I had two brothers, have twobrothers from as well, so that
they were my half siblings as well to to my knowledge at the
time. And I always felt that was so
(14:27):
weird. I have so many siblings, but
they're all half. There's no full siblings here,
so it was nice. Did you keep contact with anyone
else from family after you stopped contact with him?
Rightly so. Did you still have a
relationship with your brothers or any extended family members?
Yeah, I did. When this came out, that this
(14:49):
was happening, I was around 12. I was living with my stepmom,
who was married to. I'd separated but I chose to
stay with her because she was, you know, nurturing, motherly,
all the things, and she'd raisedme since I was quite young
alongside him. So I was living with my stepmom
and my two brothers. So I stayed in contact with
(15:10):
them. I was living with them and
continued to do so until I movedout of home.
I still had a relationship with his mother as my Nana and I
still do. Although since finding out this
news, she's quite conflicted andour relationship's been
conflicting because she maintains a relationship with
her son, knowing what he did to me.
(15:33):
So that was always a little bit of a sticking point for me.
But I did allow her to continue a relationship because she does
love me. And she's she's very kind.
And you know, a different generation of, you know, they
have different views on how the world works.
No answers from your mother. No.
And I must admit I did cut contact with her at the point
(15:55):
where I sent her the DNA from Brad and I, I cut contact
because I, I knew what her response was going to be.
I just wanted to give her an opportunity to maybe give me
something else. I don't know.
And I didn't even know if I wanted an apology, just some
kind of empathy. I don't know, something which I
didn't get. So I cut my contact with her at
(16:18):
that point and I knew that I wasgoing to do that prior because
I've done it before with her. Our relationships been difficult
from the beginning, so it's not the first time I've done this
and it was just, it was probablywaiting to happen.
So yeah, I don't know where she stands with this all at the
moment and she hasn't contacted me and she could contact me.
OK, so your mother you're not having contact with you do not
(16:43):
have contact with you do have contact with your half brother.
Well, who? Who you thought were your half?
Brothers, the half brothers. That you grew up with as well as
your stepmom. What do they make of this
situation? It was very confusing.
One part of them that was reallyhappy for me because they knew
(17:04):
that it meant that was not my father and they knew that would
bring me so much comfort and peace.
Another part that was sad that they're not my siblings.
But I don't think it's changed anything.
And they know that it's that hasn't changed.
And I've never put a lot of waiton blood relatives over anything
(17:27):
else because I wasn't raised by my blood relatives.
It was my stepmom and her ex, her family, her parents that are
not my blood relatives. But they were the biggest role
in my life. So it's never been important to
me anyway. So they knew that that wouldn't
change and nothing's changed forus.
Just I think mentally for them, it feels a little bit different.
(17:48):
They feel angry at their dad because they're like, it's not
your dad at their dad. And so that's been some
conflicting feelings for them aswell because they don't have a
relationship with him either. To your knowledge to know that
you are not his biological child.
I'm don't know. There is a little part of me
(18:09):
that wonders if he did know, butI don't believe so.
My stepmom is absolutely certainthere's no way he could have
known. There has been some gossip from
extended family friends that hell are like, you know, we
heard this and I'm like, I don'tknow that I believe that
necessarily. So I don't put any weight on any
of that either it. Certainly doesn't excuse
(18:31):
anything. No, no.
So I, I'm not sure to be honest with you.
I would like to think that he didn't know because I feel like
it would be very unfair if thesepeople did know this and did not
tell me. I don't know if he knows.
Now, my Nana knows and she was abit skeptical in the beginning
(18:53):
and she's like, how do you believe these things?
And she said she hadn't confronted him on the last
conversation I had, but I hoped that she would to be honest, but
I don't know if she has. I can't really question it.
I'm not going to go and talk to him.
So I've just left that for now focused on more important
things. So.
(19:14):
You're in this kind of unusual situation of you very much know
who your biological father is, and he is the biological father
of who you thought all of your life was your half sibling.
So how do you go about building a relationship with him in a
(19:37):
different kind of way once he learns that you are his
daughter? That's been a really interesting
one because he's a man I always was fond of.
And the day before I found out about this DNA surprise, I had
been seeing my psychologist and we were going over a timeline
because my family tree is incredibly complicated before
(19:59):
this alone after. And she asked me about the first
four years of my life. And in that time, who do I
remember that was loving, nurturing, you know, those who
were the people that you can remember from that time.
And the one person that came up there was Brad.
That gives me chills now thinking back because it was
(20:21):
literally the next morning I woke up to find out this news
and it was paired with the fact he was also in WA visiting.
I just know that it was meant tohappen at that time.
On a lot of my visits over to Victoria, he would also come in
and visit for Christmas and we'dgo camping with family and he
would often be there. So I would see him probably
(20:43):
every other year maybe. So I still had some contact with
him and I didn't know that wholetime he'd been questioning.
He actually still just imagined me to be his daughter throughout
that whole time and just never felt like he could say anything.
And he did actually ask for a DNA test when I was very young.
My mum declined and he feels really upset that he didn't
(21:06):
pursue that further or ask me because I certainly would have
taken a DNA test much sooner. But the relationship with him
it's been, he has been over the moon.
He's very old school. He is a man who just travels
around in his car with his dog and lives off the grid in NSW.
(21:28):
Lots of love give. He's like person that calls, he
doesn't like texting. He doesn't have social media
which is very odd and weird for me.
So he will often call me and it's really nice.
It's just so awkward because I'mlike, I don't like calls at the
best of times and I'm talking toyou like I know you and my
(21:48):
father, but it feels it's still in that awkward face and I don't
know how to receive love from a father in that kind of way.
So that's really tricky. So he will sign off the call
saying love you and I, I say it back, but it's really weird.
I'm just like this is this is such a strange feeling.
(22:11):
So you said that when you spoke to your psychologist the day
before you found all of this out, he was somebody that stuck
out in your memory. Did you spend a lot of time with
him when you were younger? Yeah, when when he and my mom
were married, we lived together in a house as a family.
So there was the three kids at that time, mom Brad were
(22:32):
married, Brad was raising us. And I remember the house that we
lived in and I recently went back to the country town we grew
up. And after I'd found out about
him being my father and I took, went into the old house and took
a photo of it and sent it off tohim as well, just for memories.
Because that house is, I remember that being a stable
part of my life for a brief period, but it was a stable
(22:55):
part. And he had purchased in this
time when they were married, he purchased a house in NSW for us
to move to as a family. Him and my mom agreed You know
all five of us were going to move over there so he purchased
the house and we then only probably 3 or 4 days I'm told
before due to get in the car anddrive over.
(23:19):
My mum left him for another man.So none of us went and he ended
up having to go on his own because he had work he bought
this house. So at that point he was just
heartbroken as well. I think he probably lost his way
for a little bit, not quite knowing what to do with himself.
So he yeah, that that was a difficult time for him.
(23:41):
I think he didn't ever quite recover from it, to be honest.
He's not remarried. He's not had any other children
or anything in that period. So yeah, that was really sad
because our lives would have been a whole lot different.
Something that comes up for people in our community are the
what ifs. Yeah.
(24:01):
And for you, having had such a traumatic childhood in the home
that you were in with and your stepmother, did you have those
feelings of what your life wouldhave been like if you'd known
that it was Brad all along and never would have been in that
(24:23):
house? Yeah, that was probably the
hardest part for me. I think finding out Brad was my
dad was this weird blessing in disguise that I was this thing
that I knew, never knew I needed, but I didn't.
It was an immediate weight lifted off my shoulders that I
wasn't connected to my children,didn't have to be connected to
(24:46):
him in a biological sense. All of the things that worried
me lifted. So that was so nice.
But I was really angry at the fact that I wasn't given an
opportunity to have a better life.
I will say that the life if I had of stayed with my mom when
(25:08):
she separated from Brad and wentto Melbourne would not have been
any better. Maybe it would have been worse.
My siblings experienced an extreme amount of abuse in the
household themselves so living with her was not going to be
much better. But had she have stayed with
Brad and they had gone to NSW where he's got a lot of family,
(25:29):
a lot of very warm and welcomingfamily.
They have all embraced me beautifully.
Like it's been incredible. Just suddenly I've got this
whole family that's also some ofthem knew or felt that this that
I was always brides anyway. Yeah.
So definitely was one of the thethings that upset me the most.
(25:50):
I think about the whole situation, aside from the lies,
it was just what could have been.
You said that Brad's family has welcomed you with open arms and
that they're very warm. He says.
I love you when you hang up the phone and that's something that
you're navigating. How are you dealing with this
(26:13):
complete kind of change to your family dynamic as you've
understood it to this point? Oh, I am a I don't know how to
explain, but I am known as an over sharer.
I'm a very open book. So I just kind of going not even
thinking. I just things, just I just say
(26:35):
all the things. So I have spoken to Brad's got
four siblings, He's got two sisters and two brothers and
then I've got children. So I've spoken to some of my
aunties and told them my whole life story essentially.
I just, it doesn't feel too strange, but it is over social
media and there's that disconnect.
(26:56):
It's not in person. So it's easier to have those
conversations and share those things about your life, I guess.
I think one of my aunties had made this comment on, I put a
post on my Facebook just on my private 1 and it was about
finding out that, you know, Bradwas my bio father and just a
(27:17):
little spiel about what had happened.
And one of my aunties had commented on it saying you have
just hit the jackpot. Brad is the most amazing, caring
man. And I bawled my eyes out and I'm
not a crier. I'm not a crier at all.
But that was the most amazing thing.
I just felt so I don't know, it was beautiful and the little
(27:40):
things matter and I didn't know that they mattered.
So Brad has sent both of my boyshave had birthdays in October
and December and he sent them a card in the mail with some money
to say happy birthday. And of course that made me cry.
I was like, I didn't even know that you knew my kids birthdays.
And the fact you sent them a card with a gift is more than I
(28:02):
could ever imagine because we'vethat's, we've never had that.
It's just not. My kids have always had such a
disconnect from their grandparents because of my
complex family. So it was, it's been really
lovely in that aspect. So your kids know, how are they
taking all of this? This was a tricky 1 because my
(28:22):
kids, my older boy, he's 8, he'sjust turned out.
And I used to tell them he startwould start coming to me and
saying, do you have a dad? Who is your dad?
And I found that really hard oneto explain.
So I would say something like, yes, I do have a dad, but I
don't I don't see him because he's not a very nice man.
(28:42):
And you know, as kids do they ask more questions?
Why? Why isn't he a nice man?
Is he in jail? Why isn't he in jail?
All of these questions that comeup and I'm just like, how do I
answer this? So my kids were of the
understanding that I had a father.
I don't see him because he's a bad person, a bad man.
That was all they know. So then when this happened I had
(29:06):
to try and explain to them that that person that was the bad man
isn't my father and that this one is and that he's not a bad
man. So that was really tricky and I
don't know if they fully grasp it.
I also believe in honesty. I feel like they need to know.
They shouldn't be left in a state of confusion.
(29:27):
So I try and be open about the things in a child sensitive way.
My youngest has autism, so he's very, he's very much just Oh
yeah, cool, you know, excited. And they refer to Brad as my new
dad. I think that's how I refer to
him like my new dad. So it's the only way I could
think to help them understand. But they've been OK with it.
(29:48):
There's still a distance. They've met him a few times when
he was visiting. I've spoken to him briefly on
the phone to say thank you for the cards.
So they they know and they did meet my cousin.
So my cousin did visit from NSW just last week I think.
And yeah, that was nice. So one of my uncle's daughters,
she came over, she wanted to meet me.
(30:10):
She's about 10 years younger, but we'd have a very similar
resemblance. She was staring at me the whole
time and I was like, weird, whatare you, why are you staring at
me? And she said after it's because
she's was just spun out by how similar we looked.
Yeah, it's it's a lot to take in.
So this is not very many months away, about six months.
(30:32):
How have you been processing this?
What is helping you move throughit?
I've been writing a lot. So my lifelong dream was to
write a book well before this. And I've always worked in mental
health and in those kind of fields of work where I do a lot
of, I guess, caring, nurturing type of roles.
(30:54):
So I thought I would love to be able to share my story with
people because I'm quite proud of where I've come.
Despite my my background, I havea really beautiful life and
family and doing all the things I could have only dreamed of.
So writing has been really helpful and this DNA surprise
has been the thing that I neededto be able to make to start this
(31:19):
book that I've been wanting to do for 10 years or more.
This was the point I felt like was it's the beginning of the
end or the end of the beginning.It's just this moment where I
knew this is what everything wasleading to so that I could do my
next piece of work. In that period, I was already
seeing a psychologist, as I mentioned, so I was able to talk
through with her. I just talk a lot about it.
(31:42):
I share a lot on my social mediaas well.
I find it easier to share with people that don't know me
directly. You don't tend to get as many
confused looks or more inquisitive people on social
media as opposed to the ones in your life who are like, maybe
questioning it and like, is thatreal?
(32:02):
Can you really go off these DNA tests and things like that?
Sorry, I haven't had too much negative feedback, which is
good. Most people have been equally as
shocked. But yeah, I've been trying to do
a lot more for myself in the wayof getting out.
I love the nature. I love nature.
I love going out for Bush walks for the ocean.
(32:22):
We're very close, so I've been spending a lot of time trying to
get up earlier, go for a walk soI can start my day fresh.
It's been healing, I would say as well.
I'm very fortunate, I think, because a lot of stories that I
hear of people finding out aboutwho the family is in this kind
(32:43):
of way can be really, really traumatic.
And I guess mine is is not really that traumatic.
It's really healing. Like I'm sad of all the things
that I've missed. And every now and then I'll stop
and think about that. But mostly I just think about
all the things I've just gained.And yeah, I'm really fortunate.
(33:04):
And I wish other people in this situation could have a similar
experience because I know it doesn't go that way for most,
which is really unfortunate, butI am really lucky in that way.
What do you hope for next? I mean you, you haven't even hit
one year yet so you are just starting on this journey.
What do you hope? For well, I think Brad has made
(33:26):
it quite clear that he wants to be able to move to WA to spend
more time with me and my sister.We're moving to the center of
the state very soon, which for him is quite nice because he
actually really loves to travel and he's a bit of a grey nomad.
He just gets in his Ute with hisdog and he will go anywhere.
He doesn't care how far it is. I hate driving, he loves it.
(33:48):
I think he's planning to sell upin NSW, get himself a caravan
and then he will probably come and spend some time with us up
where we're moving to in the Pilbara.
And hopefully we'll get to know each other a little bit more, I
guess more personally. Yeah.
So that that's what I think willcome.
(34:10):
And yeah, hopefully I'll write my book and I'm starting a new
job and lots of things happening.
So all of that's very exciting, moving to a tiny little country
town. That's great, yeah.
Where it comes to my, I guess myidentity and the impact of not
knowing or being told someone isyour father.
(34:30):
When I had my first child, I didnot want to carry the name of
into the delivery with my son. I didn't want any of his birth
records to have that name. I wasn't married at the time,
still not married, but I wasn't married.
And I went to great lengths to legally change my name while I
was pregnant so that I didn't carry the surname of.
(34:53):
And looking back, that just fills me with a little bit of
sadness and anger. And I don't know really, but
mostly sadness and anger that I had to go to so much length to
do that. And I said to my partner who
I've been with for 10 years, I said, this is your options.
I'm either going to we're going to a registry office and we're
(35:14):
going to elope so I can change my name or I'm going to legally
change it to your name. Which one?
We weren't even engaged. We'd been together for a long
time. And it's like just change it,
whatever. We're still not married.
We are now engaged. But I did that.
I changed my name legally to my partners.
So all of my birth records have that.
So looking back, I'm just like that never needed to happen.
(35:35):
That never needed to happen. So that's been a journey.
And I think the next part of that is I would like to see if I
can change my birth certificate to reflect my birth father.
Don't know if I can not or not, but that's path I'm going to
have a look down so well good. Luck with that because that's
something that so many people, Ithink unless you've been through
(35:56):
the experience, you don't necessarily understand the
closure that that can provide orlike the piece that that can
provide just to have your records accurately reflect.
It's such a, it seems such a miniscule thing for most I
think, but it really isn't. It's really big, like it's my
whole identity and I even thingslike my e-mail address.
(36:18):
I've had to change my e-mail address and now I'm like, how do
I get everything from one e-mailto the other?
Because this carries that name that I had so much like hurt
over anyway. Now I'm like, it wasn't even my
name in the 1st place. So it's just so many little
things that pop up for me that I'm like, yeah.
What advice do you have for a parent who's keeping a DNA
(36:39):
surprise from their child? Oh, gosh.
I mean, I just think it's alwaysbetter to be honest.
Always. Because otherwise you end up in
a situation 35 years later whereyour children might not want to
talk to you because you've just found it out by accident.
They need to know. It's really important, Really,
(37:01):
really important. What advice do you have to
someone like yourself who just found out that they have adna
surprise? Don't follow my advice, I guess,
because mine would be to just blur it all out and get it out.
I know some people aren't like that.
Some people like to get it off their chest.
That worked for me. I needed to tell the whole world
immediately because that's the only way that I know how to
(37:23):
process things healthily. But I probably do things too
fast because of that. So I don't think of the
consequences of who might be affected by this.
I just go to whoever I need to and say this has just happened
without thinking how that might impact them.
If I could go back, I probably would have sat with it a little
(37:44):
bit more and been a little bit more tactful about how I share
this information with people. So taking a little bit more time
and remembering that we didn't choose this, this is not wasn't
our choice. I always like to think I've had
a difficult life, but I don't let any of those things define
me. I can choose tomorrow, I can
(38:06):
choose how my life looks. I'd say I'd like to think of
myself as quite a positive person and I can always see the
positives. So just grab onto all those
little positive things in your life that you can to keep a
grasp on, you know, the things that you are grateful for
because it can be really hard attimes.
Danielle, thank you so much for coming on the podcast and
(38:26):
sharing your story. Again, I have said it a couple
times, but just to to share so vulnerably after this happened
so recently, I know will help other people who are just in the
throes of of figuring all of this out.
So thank you so much for coming on.
I hope that your relationship with Brad continues to blossom
(38:47):
and I look forward to reading your book.
Thank you. Thank you for the opportunity.
It's been great. Thanks again to Danielle for
sharing her story. If you have Adna Surprise that
you'd like to share, please submit your story at
dnasurprises.com and for early add free access to episodes,
join me over on patreon@patreon.com/DNA
(39:08):
Surprises. Until next time.
This episode of DNA Surprises was hosted, produced and edited
by me Alexis Ourselt. It was mixed and mastered by
Josh Ourselt of Siren Recording Studios.
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