November 16, 2023 • 24 mins
Picture this: a newlywed couple, both in college, grappling with the weight of unresolved personal issues. Sounds like an uphill battle, right? This is the story of my life. The first three tumultuous years of my marriage were riddled with personal struggles from a lingering pornography addiction to anger and financial tribulations. I had to unlearn my singlehood and learn to protect my wife and our relationship. At one point, my wife even considered divorcing me, but I was determined to change for the better.
Fast-forward to a time when I had to face the ghosts from my past. A childhood filled with trauma, and a narcissistic personality that was a byproduct of this trauma. Determined to change, I sought therapy, embraced the process, and learned to put others before myself. Now, imagine striving to reestablish trust after a crippling addiction to pornography. I had to remind myself that I deserved healing and that I was worth the effort. With transparency, vulnerability, accountability, and community, I managed to rebuild the trust I had lost. Today, I stand before you, a man free from his past, striving each day to keep the trust of those around him intact. Join me as I share this journey of self-discovery and healing.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
All right.
So look, man, in part one Italked about from childhood,
from birth, pretty much all theway up to high school, how I
suffered so much stuff.
Check that episode out if youhaven't listened to it or
watched it.
But this episode I'm going tojump right into my testimony for
what happened in high school,up into college and now where we
(00:22):
are today with my lovely wifeand three children doing a
podcast, talking to my familyright here In high school.
After high school, by the graceof God, I graduated high school.
I was still a smart kid.
You know what I'm saying.
I've always been a smart kid.
And so I graduated high school,top 10 in my class, and I got
two scholarships, no, threescholarships.
I got three scholarships and Iended up going to SIU.
(00:46):
I was going to go to MichiganTechnological Institute, the
other MIT.
All right, mti.
I'm sorry, I just made a jokeand it didn't even make sense.
My bad, but I was going to goto MTI, michigan Technological
Institute, and I was accepted,my heart was set on it.
(01:07):
But the tuition was like 25 Gs,like a year.
It was out of state, it was outof mind, it was outrageous and
it was cold up there.
I didn't even realize it, butthey actually had a hockey team.
My guy, like, for real, shoutout to MTI man.
I was going to go there forreal, for real.
But I ended up going to SIU.
My guidance counselor was like,harold, you're a bright kid,
(01:30):
you should go apply to SIUin-state tuition for the
engineering program.
And I was like, cool, whatever,I'm just trying to get far as
away from Peoria as I can andstay in-state.
And she was like, if you wantto do that, go to Carbondale.
And that's where I went.
And so, by the grace of God, Igot out of Peoria and I went to
(01:50):
college in Carbondale.
And so, in the narrative that Iwas showing with you guys, I'm
sharing the narrative that Ishared in the opening of my
message, that I shared on FirstWednesday at my church.
And so, by the grace of God,this young man, which is me,
makes it to college and getsmarried while still in college,
like I married my junior yeary'all Like that was a big deal.
That was, I won't say, crazy,it was insane.
(02:13):
But his marriage starts offhorrible and his wife
threatening to leave him onlyafter only three years of
marriage because of his pornaddiction, financial problems,
anger issues and anger issuesthat accompanies it, and so.
(02:33):
And then I go on to say on theoutside, he meaning I is, this
model is the model spirit fieldChristian guy who has been
discipled, these Bible studies,are swaithfully at their church,
has a wonderful wife and kids,but because of his, because his
wife is fed up to the point ofdivorce and he doesn't want to
(02:55):
be seen as a failure and eyes ofhis kids and fellow church folk
quotation marks around, quotechurch folk who look up to him
he is now having suicidalideations.
And so what was going on is um,I get married, but I have all
this baggage and damage that isundone with and I bring it into
(03:15):
marriage and she starts seeingit Now.
In premarital we went through alot of stuff.
We went through a lot of stuffand I shared a lot of stuff.
I got vulnerable by a lot ofstuff and we got in a nitty
gritty.
But even in premarital, likeyou steal, go home, like you
don't see each other, like weonly saw.
Like my wife was going to NIU,I was going to SIU, and so we
(03:38):
only saw each other at thepremarital Meeting and so we
were living away Long distance,so I never had to deal with her.
If I got mad is just didn'tanswer the phone.
You know I'm saying or I'm goodand so.
But when we got married and shemoved in with with me I should
say we moved in together becauseI didn't, she didn't move into
(04:00):
my place, she was like I'm notstaying there.
But we moved in together andshe starts singing the real me.
So the day in, day out, heraldand she didn't like it, she
didn't like him.
I had a lot of growing to do.
I had to get acclimated toSharing my life.
I had to get acclimated tobeing married and not being
(04:21):
single.
I had to get acclimated tobeing, to not having boundaries
with women and didn't have inboundaries with them to protect
my wife and I relationship.
And so I'm gonna go over this indetail and Life unscripted
podcast with my wife so that Iget it all right, because she
(04:43):
gonna be there to correct me.
But and you get to hear herperspective, like I think it's
very important that you hear mywife's perspective about all of
this To, because she livedthrough it with me and it was
not easy.
So the first three years of ourmarriage was really rough.
Like she wanted to divorce meand it wasn't like, oh, I wanted
to watch.
(05:03):
She was like, no, like I amabout to divorce you because
this is ridiculous.
So like you've been given tenchance after chance and you and
you're getting worse.
And I wasn't sorry that I waslike ruining our marriage.
I was sorry that I kept gettingcaught.
I was remorseful for beingcaught.
I wasn't remorseful for the sin, I actually enjoyed the sin of
it.
I just didn't like the factthat I had got caught, and so
(05:26):
God had to work in my heart toget me to hate the actual sin,
and Not the effects of beingcaught in the sin, but the sin
itself.
And so that's a whole messageon itself and the whole topic of
discussion that I won't get inright now.
But it's important that youstart to hate the sin instead of
hating the consequences of thesin, because you will always
(05:50):
have a backdoor open our safetynet there to fall into that
thing again If you don't despiseit and cut off all ties to it.
Yeah, so we will dive deep intothat with my wife, because she
could tell you some stories thatwill blow your mind about your
boy and the shenanigans that Iwas, that I was up to, but I
(06:16):
said I was a model Christian man.
You know, I have a disciple Ihad.
I was leading Bible studies onSlu campus.
I was a president of theChristian organization that I
was a part of.
I was serving in church Like Iwas.
I was the model guy, but I wasa tyrant at home, bro, like I
was out of control with it.
(06:37):
And and I believe that womenpick up On a man who's willing
to cross the line, like theyknow it, like I believe that
they, like yo.
I think he willing to do it, Ithink he willing to push it a
(07:00):
little further than anyone elseis willing to push it.
And so, like I was oblivious toa lot of my blind spots that
shouldn't have been blind spotsas a married man.
Like there's some things thatyou're like oblivious to because
they're a blind spot, you'renot, you don't see them.
(07:20):
Someone has to show you them.
Like you have to look over yourshoulder to see it.
You can't see it looking in themirror.
And so there was a blind spotthat should not have been blind
spot.
They should have been commonsense knowledge for a married
man.
But because I was young, I wasnew to this Mary thing, I know
one had really showed me andtold me about how to behave and
(07:41):
how to cut ties and how it wasweird.
It was really weird and Ididn't want to let go of some
things.
And there was a wholefriendship phase where I'm like,
oh, she, my friend, we've beenknowing each other for a long
time.
And my wife was like you're anidiot, she is not your friend,
you is not going to keep talkingto her, you feel me.
And so, um, and so my wife.
(08:04):
She saw the anointed herald,because our gifts are without
repentance, right, that's whatthe Bible said.
And then she saw the, the, theum, out of control, tyrant
Harold, at home with Yale,scream, throw things, break
things, and pretty much lost mydog on mine, you know what I
(08:25):
mean.
And because of that she had hadenough and she wanted, she
wanted to divorce.
And so me, being so performanceoriented and so people pleasing
and so reputation driven, Ididn't want to be seen as a
failure.
That was like the ultimatething in my mind and I didn't
(08:48):
want to be known and rememberedas a failure and I just like I
saw what doing, being honest,dead to people in church.
And so I was just like, no, I'mgood with that, I'm not.
No matter how much Bible youpreach, you are not the
forgiving type.
You know me.
And so I was.
(09:08):
I was committed to secrecybecause that's what the church
had really built into my spirit.
But on the other side of of um,so because his wife had been, um
, I read that part um, he isgoing through life trying to
hold on to everything, trying tohold everything together long
enough to build up the courageto take his own life.
(09:29):
He increases his life insurancepolicy I had actually increased
it to the max, which was like ahalf a meal, yeah, half a
million dollars.
And, um, the sad thing was, um,I knew some people in the
military who had attemptedsuicide in a way that would not
(09:51):
be classified as suicide, but sothat their family could get
taken care of, and so I hadcounseled some soldiers.
And no, in those situations Ihad counseled some soldiers in
those situations and I, uh, this, uh, the enemy had me so
deceiving you, like I thought Iwas really doing the right thing
(10:16):
, like I really thought, likethis was the best case scenario
for everyone involved, even mychildren, like that was crazy,
um, but I had increased my lifeinsurance policy and I started
inviting people to our homeevery weekend so that we can
hang out and we will call themfellowships.
Everybody's not enjoying it.
I liked and loved I wouldinvite to our house and we would
(10:37):
just start having thesefellowships and like, and the
crazy part was I was havingthese fellowships at my house to
hang out with people that Ilove because in my mind I was
going to commit suicide.
But because I said because Iwas inviting all these people to
our house and we were justkicking in, we was having fun,
was eating, we was playing gamesLike our, our, our Bible study
(10:57):
group, our ministry startgrowing.
Our ministry was growingtremendously because of the
things that I were doing inpreparation for suicide and it
was crazy.
I was just looking at thegrowth and I was just like man,
like wow, all these people won'tmiss me.
But but, um, I want to thankGod with them one last time.
(11:23):
In the midst of my planning totake my own life, my wife had a
dream and afterwards she tellsme that if I get help Both from
the church and a therapist, thatshe will stay, but if I don't,
she will expose me for the pornaddicted, condescending,
manipulative narcissists that Iwas.
(11:44):
And this devastated me, becausethe whole point of me taking my
life was to leave withoutanyone ever knowing what was
really going on With me andhopes that my wife would have
enough shame and guilt From frommy death that she would never
tell the truth about me and ourmarriage and that.
(12:08):
And now I was left with adecision Do I get help and
become vulnerable or do I moveup my plans and end it all that
day?
And I say that With a straightface he old holds that free.
(12:30):
I can.
I can look back on there and Icould see the grace of God on my
life, because I was in a darkplace.
I was in a very dark place andmy wife knew like, yeah, the
church Itself is not enough,like you need some real help,
you need some people who aregoing to be invested Into you
(12:52):
and and church people from ourexperience, not all churches
Don't do well With the soul.
Care of people who are leadersyou know and who are Seen as the
models in the, in the, in thechurch or in the body, because
(13:14):
it's devastating, man, it'sdevastating and we're doing
better, like a lot of churchesare really doing better with
that man.
You see the different storiesand, unfortunately, doctor my
whole doctor memories aboutpeople failing it and getting
the help that they need.
But still so many people arelike counting them off, like
yeah, yeah, I'm never gonna fallthat duty getting such a
(13:35):
hypocrite liar.
But that was me, yo, that wasme, and I was like so devastated
but I was like my wife iswilling to fight for this
marriage.
I Want to be in that place tooand I felt I felt the Holy
Spirit Was like this is gonnawork for you, like this is going
(13:59):
to work, like I've been prayedfor before.
I've been hate, had late, hadhands laid on me before.
I've had all type of things totry to get past the addiction
and the problems and the issues,but I needed intentional help
and Thank God that all thepeople that I went to were
(14:20):
Christians.
They were Christians but theywere professionals and their
craft and their and theirRespective vocation.
And so the first, the firstperson that I went to was Older
lady in our church, miss Norma.
Bless her heart.
She Walked me through innerhealing, dealing with a lot of
(14:41):
the, the childhood traumas andthe, and the emotions and the
unforgiveness and the bitternessand the in the narcissism and
the heart and heart and thePerformance orientation and the
abandonment, and it was a lot ofthings that she kind of pulled
out of my, my life story anddealt with on the spiritual
(15:03):
level of healing from the insideout, and that went on for about
a year.
I Walked through that no, I'dsay about a year and a half and
Then I went to therapy for peerlife ministries with
professional therapists andcounselors and my man's who was
(15:25):
assigned to me and that we weretogether for, I think, nine, six
or nine months, and that wasphenomenal and which built even
more.
He was the one who pointed outto me how narcissistic I was and
I was like yo, I'm not anarcissist.
He was like yes, you are likebro, you are a straight textbook
Narcissist.
(15:46):
And I was like yo, calm down,hold on, like what you?
Were you coming with this bro?
Like, like, like you, really,you really call me a narcissist
right now.
And, um, he gave me a simpletest.
I was so embarrassed.
He said Write down all thethings that you're grateful for.
(16:06):
And I said, okay, it's too easy, right, doing all things I'm
grateful for good, for my wife,my job, kids, money, pantabills.
You know I'm saying, for mygifting, for my talent, for my
19, for how the Lord used me.
Oh god, you know saying myskills, my education, thank God,
for I'm thinking out all thisstuff.
(16:30):
And then he, he looks at me, Iturns it in.
He says he says, look, man,everything on this list is
centered around you, even eventhe things that you're grateful
for for your wife and your kids,is you.
He says nothing on this list,this gear towards God or towards
(16:53):
your family.
That's narcissism.
I was like y'all, come on, bro,that ain't fair.
And he was, he was legit.
And I broke down, man, I brokedown, I Repented, I was Psalms
51 all over again.
Man, I lived in some city, onelike daily, and God showed me
(17:19):
that because of the damage andthe pain and the experiences
that I survived, I had to beSelf-centered to survive.
I had to look out for self tosurvive.
He says now you're notsurviving, my guy, you're not
just surviving.
(17:39):
Now you have a whole wife andchildren and people who look up
to you, that that you don't haveto put yourself first anymore.
Now, when you put yourself.
First you're a jerk, you're alegit, whole jerk.
Then you were just surviving,you was a kid, you didn't know
(18:02):
no better.
You was just surviving, you wasa child.
But he says your man, now it'stime to put away your childish
things.
Narcissism, selfishness, Isyndrome, that's childish.
That's what kids do.
You grow now.
You got to be selfless.
(18:24):
You got a love, but in a copylove.
You got to be that guy who'swilling to give his last for the
ones he loved.
And I'm like You're right, Idon't do those things, I don't
feel that way and I really hadto to ask God to take my heart
(18:44):
of stone and change it to aheart of flesh, to where I'm not
centered around myself and Icould be centered around those
who have been entrusted to meand who I love and care about.
And and that was a game changerin my life.
And after that I went intoanother round of counseling
(19:05):
because I was also at the time apastor in training and I had
shared with the denominationthat I was in that I had
struggled with pornography andthat I had been through therapy
and Interhealing and been freeso many Years or months or
whatever it was at the time andthey was like, yeah.
(19:26):
Yeah, it was like, yeah, itain't enough for us, you gotta
get some more counseling.
At first I was mad.
I was like yo, I did the rightthing, I was vulnerable, but now
you cast, I just using it tojust tell me I'm horrible.
But my spiritual mother waslike you needed to get that in
(19:47):
the light, because now the enemycan't bring that up years later
when your ministry is thrivingand say, oh, what about that?
Everybody knows.
Now it can't be just againstyou.
I'm like, okay, that makessense, all right, I go through
it.
(20:08):
And so I go through all of thathealing, all of that inner
healing, therapy, counselingdifferent people, retelling my
story, re-going through thehealing, and each time I was
able to tell it without breaking, without having that oh man
type moment.
You know what I'm saying.
And so I each level of healingI was able to share freer, like
(20:34):
I am doing now, like I've neverbeen able to share it so free.
Now, like back then, it's evenbetter now, like I was still
like struggling through it atsome points, you know.
But now I'm like healed, healed, still a man and works through
(20:55):
things.
That's why I haveaccountability, that's why I
have a community, that's why Ihave boundaries, but I'm free
man.
I'm free and there's nothing inmy past, there's nothing that
I've gone through, there'snothing that I've done that you
can bring up, that I can be likeyo.
The blood of God, the blood ofJesus, covered that and I'm good
(21:16):
, bro, Like I've done the workand I'm good by God's grace.
I've done the work and I'm good, you feel me, and so that was
very important and so that'skind of the testimony and the
story that I have.
You know, and God, every year,man, building up that trust back
(21:38):
, that was that was that's.
It took longer for me to buildthe trust back up with my wife
than it did the years that ittook me to go through therapy to
deal with my baggage Like forreal, like it took a lot, but I
understood.
I understood, and because I wasthe one who had broken that
(22:03):
trust, I had to be willing to dowhat it took to regain that
trust.
And I had to keep remindingmyself, even when I thought like
okay, this is ridiculous, youknow that I ain't on, like this
is crazy, I had to remind myselfno, it's worth it, you deserve
it.
Like, do the work.
And so, yeah, like that was it.
(22:25):
And so to wrap up this episode,man, like that was my testimony
building on the first part,
All right.
So look, man, in part one Italked about from childhood,
from birth, pretty much all theway up to high school, how I
suffered so much stuff.
Check that episode out if youhaven't listened to it or
watched it.
But this episode I'm going tojump right into my testimony for
what happened in high school,up into college and now where we
(00:22):
are today with my lovely wifeand three children doing a
podcast, talking to my familyright here In high school.
After high school, by the graceof God, I graduated high school.
I was still a smart kid.
You know what I'm saying.
I've always been a smart kid.
And so I graduated high school,top 10 in my class, and I got
two scholarships, no, threescholarships.
I got three scholarships and Iended up going to SIU.
(00:46):
I was going to go to MichiganTechnological Institute, the
other MIT.
All right, mti.
I'm sorry, I just made a jokeand it didn't even make sense.
My bad, but I was going to goto MTI, michigan Technological
Institute, and I was accepted,my heart was set on it.
(01:07):
But the tuition was like 25 Gs,like a year.
It was out of state, it was outof mind, it was outrageous and
it was cold up there.
I didn't even realize it, butthey actually had a hockey team.
My guy, like, for real, shoutout to MTI man.
I was going to go there forreal, for real.
But I ended up going to SIU.
My guidance counselor was like,harold, you're a bright kid,
(01:30):
you should go apply to SIUin-state tuition for the
engineering program.
And I was like, cool, whatever,I'm just trying to get far as
away from Peoria as I can andstay in-state.
And she was like, if you wantto do that, go to Carbondale.
And that's where I went.
And so, by the grace of God, Igot out of Peoria and I went to
(01:50):
college in Carbondale.
And so, in the narrative that Iwas showing with you guys, I'm
sharing the narrative that Ishared in the opening of my
message, that I shared on FirstWednesday at my church.
And so, by the grace of God,this young man, which is me,
makes it to college and getsmarried while still in college,
like I married my junior yeary'all Like that was a big deal.
That was, I won't say, crazy,it was insane.
(02:13):
But his marriage starts offhorrible and his wife
threatening to leave him onlyafter only three years of
marriage because of his pornaddiction, financial problems,
anger issues and anger issuesthat accompanies it, and so.
(02:33):
And then I go on to say on theoutside, he meaning I is, this
model is the model spirit fieldChristian guy who has been
discipled, these Bible studies,are swaithfully at their church,
has a wonderful wife and kids,but because of his, because his
wife is fed up to the point ofdivorce and he doesn't want to
(02:55):
be seen as a failure and eyes ofhis kids and fellow church folk
quotation marks around, quotechurch folk who look up to him
he is now having suicidalideations.
And so what was going on is um,I get married, but I have all
this baggage and damage that isundone with and I bring it into
(03:15):
marriage and she starts seeingit Now.
In premarital we went through alot of stuff.
We went through a lot of stuffand I shared a lot of stuff.
I got vulnerable by a lot ofstuff and we got in a nitty
gritty.
But even in premarital, likeyou steal, go home, like you
don't see each other, like weonly saw.
Like my wife was going to NIU,I was going to SIU, and so we
(03:38):
only saw each other at thepremarital Meeting and so we
were living away Long distance,so I never had to deal with her.
If I got mad is just didn'tanswer the phone.
You know I'm saying or I'm goodand so.
But when we got married and shemoved in with with me I should
say we moved in together becauseI didn't, she didn't move into
(04:00):
my place, she was like I'm notstaying there.
But we moved in together andshe starts singing the real me.
So the day in, day out, heraldand she didn't like it, she
didn't like him.
I had a lot of growing to do.
I had to get acclimated toSharing my life.
I had to get acclimated tobeing married and not being
(04:21):
single.
I had to get acclimated tobeing, to not having boundaries
with women and didn't have inboundaries with them to protect
my wife and I relationship.
And so I'm gonna go over this indetail and Life unscripted
podcast with my wife so that Iget it all right, because she
(04:43):
gonna be there to correct me.
But and you get to hear herperspective, like I think it's
very important that you hear mywife's perspective about all of
this To, because she livedthrough it with me and it was
not easy.
So the first three years of ourmarriage was really rough.
Like she wanted to divorce meand it wasn't like, oh, I wanted
to watch.
(05:03):
She was like, no, like I amabout to divorce you because
this is ridiculous.
So like you've been given tenchance after chance and you and
you're getting worse.
And I wasn't sorry that I waslike ruining our marriage.
I was sorry that I kept gettingcaught.
I was remorseful for beingcaught.
I wasn't remorseful for the sin, I actually enjoyed the sin of
it.
I just didn't like the factthat I had got caught, and so
(05:26):
God had to work in my heart toget me to hate the actual sin,
and Not the effects of beingcaught in the sin, but the sin
itself.
And so that's a whole messageon itself and the whole topic of
discussion that I won't get inright now.
But it's important that youstart to hate the sin instead of
hating the consequences of thesin, because you will always
(05:50):
have a backdoor open our safetynet there to fall into that
thing again If you don't despiseit and cut off all ties to it.
Yeah, so we will dive deep intothat with my wife, because she
could tell you some stories thatwill blow your mind about your
boy and the shenanigans that Iwas, that I was up to, but I
(06:16):
said I was a model Christian man.
You know, I have a disciple Ihad.
I was leading Bible studies onSlu campus.
I was a president of theChristian organization that I
was a part of.
I was serving in church Like Iwas.
I was the model guy, but I wasa tyrant at home, bro, like I
was out of control with it.
(06:37):
And and I believe that womenpick up On a man who's willing
to cross the line, like theyknow it, like I believe that
they, like yo.
I think he willing to do it, Ithink he willing to push it a
(07:00):
little further than anyone elseis willing to push it.
And so, like I was oblivious toa lot of my blind spots that
shouldn't have been blind spotsas a married man.
Like there's some things thatyou're like oblivious to because
they're a blind spot, you'renot, you don't see them.
(07:20):
Someone has to show you them.
Like you have to look over yourshoulder to see it.
You can't see it looking in themirror.
And so there was a blind spotthat should not have been blind
spot.
They should have been commonsense knowledge for a married
man.
But because I was young, I wasnew to this Mary thing, I know
one had really showed me andtold me about how to behave and
(07:41):
how to cut ties and how it wasweird.
It was really weird and Ididn't want to let go of some
things.
And there was a wholefriendship phase where I'm like,
oh, she, my friend, we've beenknowing each other for a long
time.
And my wife was like you're anidiot, she is not your friend,
you is not going to keep talkingto her, you feel me.
And so, um, and so my wife.
(08:04):
She saw the anointed herald,because our gifts are without
repentance, right, that's whatthe Bible said.
And then she saw the, the, theum, out of control, tyrant
Harold, at home with Yale,scream, throw things, break
things, and pretty much lost mydog on mine, you know what I
(08:25):
mean.
And because of that she had hadenough and she wanted, she
wanted to divorce.
And so me, being so performanceoriented and so people pleasing
and so reputation driven, Ididn't want to be seen as a
failure.
That was like the ultimatething in my mind and I didn't
(08:48):
want to be known and rememberedas a failure and I just like I
saw what doing, being honest,dead to people in church.
And so I was just like, no, I'mgood with that, I'm not.
No matter how much Bible youpreach, you are not the
forgiving type.
You know me.
And so I was.
(09:08):
I was committed to secrecybecause that's what the church
had really built into my spirit.
But on the other side of of um,so because his wife had been, um
, I read that part um, he isgoing through life trying to
hold on to everything, trying tohold everything together long
enough to build up the courageto take his own life.
(09:29):
He increases his life insurancepolicy I had actually increased
it to the max, which was like ahalf a meal, yeah, half a
million dollars.
And, um, the sad thing was, um,I knew some people in the
military who had attemptedsuicide in a way that would not
(09:51):
be classified as suicide, but sothat their family could get
taken care of, and so I hadcounseled some soldiers.
And no, in those situations Ihad counseled some soldiers in
those situations and I, uh, this, uh, the enemy had me so
deceiving you, like I thought Iwas really doing the right thing
(10:16):
, like I really thought, likethis was the best case scenario
for everyone involved, even mychildren, like that was crazy,
um, but I had increased my lifeinsurance policy and I started
inviting people to our homeevery weekend so that we can
hang out and we will call themfellowships.
Everybody's not enjoying it.
I liked and loved I wouldinvite to our house and we would
(10:37):
just start having thesefellowships and like, and the
crazy part was I was havingthese fellowships at my house to
hang out with people that Ilove because in my mind I was
going to commit suicide.
But because I said because Iwas inviting all these people to
our house and we were justkicking in, we was having fun,
was eating, we was playing gamesLike our, our, our Bible study
(10:57):
group, our ministry startgrowing.
Our ministry was growingtremendously because of the
things that I were doing inpreparation for suicide and it
was crazy.
I was just looking at thegrowth and I was just like man,
like wow, all these people won'tmiss me.
But but, um, I want to thankGod with them one last time.
(11:23):
In the midst of my planning totake my own life, my wife had a
dream and afterwards she tellsme that if I get help Both from
the church and a therapist, thatshe will stay, but if I don't,
she will expose me for the pornaddicted, condescending,
manipulative narcissists that Iwas.
(11:44):
And this devastated me, becausethe whole point of me taking my
life was to leave withoutanyone ever knowing what was
really going on With me andhopes that my wife would have
enough shame and guilt From frommy death that she would never
tell the truth about me and ourmarriage and that.
(12:08):
And now I was left with adecision Do I get help and
become vulnerable or do I moveup my plans and end it all that
day?
And I say that With a straightface he old holds that free.
(12:30):
I can.
I can look back on there and Icould see the grace of God on my
life, because I was in a darkplace.
I was in a very dark place andmy wife knew like, yeah, the
church Itself is not enough,like you need some real help,
you need some people who aregoing to be invested Into you
(12:52):
and and church people from ourexperience, not all churches
Don't do well With the soul.
Care of people who are leadersyou know and who are Seen as the
models in the, in the, in thechurch or in the body, because
(13:14):
it's devastating, man, it'sdevastating and we're doing
better, like a lot of churchesare really doing better with
that man.
You see the different storiesand, unfortunately, doctor my
whole doctor memories aboutpeople failing it and getting
the help that they need.
But still so many people arelike counting them off, like
yeah, yeah, I'm never gonna fallthat duty getting such a
(13:35):
hypocrite liar.
But that was me, yo, that wasme, and I was like so devastated
but I was like my wife iswilling to fight for this
marriage.
I Want to be in that place tooand I felt I felt the Holy
Spirit Was like this is gonnawork for you, like this is going
(13:59):
to work, like I've been prayedfor before.
I've been hate, had late, hadhands laid on me before.
I've had all type of things totry to get past the addiction
and the problems and the issues,but I needed intentional help
and Thank God that all thepeople that I went to were
(14:20):
Christians.
They were Christians but theywere professionals and their
craft and their and theirRespective vocation.
And so the first, the firstperson that I went to was Older
lady in our church, miss Norma.
Bless her heart.
She Walked me through innerhealing, dealing with a lot of
(14:41):
the, the childhood traumas andthe, and the emotions and the
unforgiveness and the bitternessand the in the narcissism and
the heart and heart and thePerformance orientation and the
abandonment, and it was a lot ofthings that she kind of pulled
out of my, my life story anddealt with on the spiritual
(15:03):
level of healing from the insideout, and that went on for about
a year.
I Walked through that no, I'dsay about a year and a half and
Then I went to therapy for peerlife ministries with
professional therapists andcounselors and my man's who was
(15:25):
assigned to me and that we weretogether for, I think, nine, six
or nine months, and that wasphenomenal and which built even
more.
He was the one who pointed outto me how narcissistic I was and
I was like yo, I'm not anarcissist.
He was like yes, you are likebro, you are a straight textbook
Narcissist.
(15:46):
And I was like yo, calm down,hold on, like what you?
Were you coming with this bro?
Like, like, like you, really,you really call me a narcissist
right now.
And, um, he gave me a simpletest.
I was so embarrassed.
He said Write down all thethings that you're grateful for.
(16:06):
And I said, okay, it's too easy, right, doing all things I'm
grateful for good, for my wife,my job, kids, money, pantabills.
You know I'm saying, for mygifting, for my talent, for my
19, for how the Lord used me.
Oh god, you know saying myskills, my education, thank God,
for I'm thinking out all thisstuff.
(16:30):
And then he, he looks at me, Iturns it in.
He says he says, look, man,everything on this list is
centered around you, even eventhe things that you're grateful
for for your wife and your kids,is you.
He says nothing on this list,this gear towards God or towards
(16:53):
your family.
That's narcissism.
I was like y'all, come on, bro,that ain't fair.
And he was, he was legit.
And I broke down, man, I brokedown, I Repented, I was Psalms
51 all over again.
Man, I lived in some city, onelike daily, and God showed me
(17:19):
that because of the damage andthe pain and the experiences
that I survived, I had to beSelf-centered to survive.
I had to look out for self tosurvive.
He says now you're notsurviving, my guy, you're not
just surviving.
(17:39):
Now you have a whole wife andchildren and people who look up
to you, that that you don't haveto put yourself first anymore.
Now, when you put yourself.
First you're a jerk, you're alegit, whole jerk.
Then you were just surviving,you was a kid, you didn't know
(18:02):
no better.
You was just surviving, you wasa child.
But he says your man, now it'stime to put away your childish
things.
Narcissism, selfishness, Isyndrome, that's childish.
That's what kids do.
You grow now.
You got to be selfless.
(18:24):
You got a love, but in a copylove.
You got to be that guy who'swilling to give his last for the
ones he loved.
And I'm like You're right, Idon't do those things, I don't
feel that way and I really hadto to ask God to take my heart
(18:44):
of stone and change it to aheart of flesh, to where I'm not
centered around myself and Icould be centered around those
who have been entrusted to meand who I love and care about.
And and that was a game changerin my life.
And after that I went intoanother round of counseling
(19:05):
because I was also at the time apastor in training and I had
shared with the denominationthat I was in that I had
struggled with pornography andthat I had been through therapy
and Interhealing and been freeso many Years or months or
whatever it was at the time andthey was like, yeah.
(19:26):
Yeah, it was like, yeah, itain't enough for us, you gotta
get some more counseling.
At first I was mad.
I was like yo, I did the rightthing, I was vulnerable, but now
you cast, I just using it tojust tell me I'm horrible.
But my spiritual mother waslike you needed to get that in
(19:47):
the light, because now the enemycan't bring that up years later
when your ministry is thrivingand say, oh, what about that?
Everybody knows.
Now it can't be just againstyou.
I'm like, okay, that makessense, all right, I go through
it.
(20:08):
And so I go through all of thathealing, all of that inner
healing, therapy, counselingdifferent people, retelling my
story, re-going through thehealing, and each time I was
able to tell it without breaking, without having that oh man
type moment.
You know what I'm saying.
And so I each level of healingI was able to share freer, like
(20:34):
I am doing now, like I've neverbeen able to share it so free.
Now, like back then, it's evenbetter now, like I was still
like struggling through it atsome points, you know.
But now I'm like healed, healed, still a man and works through
(20:55):
things.
That's why I haveaccountability, that's why I
have a community, that's why Ihave boundaries, but I'm free
man.
I'm free and there's nothing inmy past, there's nothing that
I've gone through, there'snothing that I've done that you
can bring up, that I can be likeyo.
The blood of God, the blood ofJesus, covered that and I'm good
(21:16):
, bro, Like I've done the workand I'm good by God's grace.
I've done the work and I'm good, you feel me, and so that was
very important and so that'skind of the testimony and the
story that I have.
You know, and God, every year,man, building up that trust back
(21:38):
, that was that was that's.
It took longer for me to buildthe trust back up with my wife
than it did the years that ittook me to go through therapy to
deal with my baggage Like forreal, like it took a lot, but I
understood.
I understood, and because I wasthe one who had broken that
(22:03):
trust, I had to be willing to dowhat it took to regain that
trust.
And I had to keep remindingmyself, even when I thought like
okay, this is ridiculous, youknow that I ain't on, like this
is crazy, I had to remind myselfno, it's worth it, you deserve
it.
Like, do the work.
And so, yeah, like that was it.
(22:25):
And so to wrap up this episode,man, like that was my testimony
building on the first part,
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