January 27, 2025 • 32 mins
Mentorship plays a vital role in enhancing marriage and family life, as discussed through personal stories and examples. This episode emphasizes the need for relationship mentors and offers guidance on how to seek, initiate, and maintain those connections for mutual growth.
• Importance of mentorship in marriage and parenting
• Personal struggle with early marriage dynamics
• Statistics highlighting the gap in mentorship
• Steps for initiating and maintaining mentorship relationships
• Continuous refinement of goals with mentor support
• Next steps to start your mentorship journey with me as your mentor
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to Do the Work Podcast, man.
It's been a hot minute, but Iam excited to be back in the
saddle, as they would say, right.
So there's a couple of thingson my agenda that I want to
bring to you.
It's good.
So, for those of you who'vebeen following me on social
media, you already know Iappreciate you, and you've
(00:20):
probably been seeing someconsistent content coming out as
far as marriage and family, andso that's what we're going to
focus on here.
Man, I'm going to give you alittle bit of update about
what's been going on with mesince the last episode.
I kind of wish I would have didseasons right, because then I
would have been like, hey, we'redone with one season and we're
(00:41):
going to another season, butnevertheless we're still going
to get it done, and so I've been.
I've been really planning to dosomething like this for months,
really, and I always push it off.
Push it off because lifehappens, things come up has been
the request from people who Ididn't know was listening to the
(01:06):
podcast.
That has been like yo, when'sthe next episode dropping?
I'm waiting, I'm anxiouslywaiting, and so some stuff
that's been going on with me.
So just a quick overview sothat you know where I'm at, and
I want to invite you into thisjourney that I'm going with me.
(01:26):
So first things first.
I started teaching this year asa fifth grade teacher, so that's
amazing.
I was a sub and an aide.
Trying to figure out what I wasgoing to be doing permanently
Felt a real strong piece aboutteaching.
I loved it.
It was a great fit.
(01:46):
I love having summers off andstill getting paid.
It was great.
So I committed to that, whichmeant that I had to go to school
to get a master's of arts andteaching while teaching as a
teacher.
While I'm doing it and whatthey call a residency.
(02:10):
And so I've been working.
I started this past summertaking classes for my master's
of arts and teaching as analternative route to my
licensure, and so that's beenreally good.
It's been fun the kids, myclassroom, you know.
Decorating my classroom with mywife, having my own class,
(02:33):
creating that classroomenvironment has been great, and
what I really appreciate aboutit is that it helps feed into
the podcast and do the work,because I focus on doing the
work in your marriage and doingthe work in your family with
your children, and what betterway, man, to really get to know
what's working in the kids'minds man than being a teacher,
(02:57):
because you interact with themevery day in the classroom their
personalities, their attitudes,the lingo, the trends, the
things that's going on, that,the new pressures that they're
dealing with um home life,helping them navigate with that.
And so it's been a.
It's been a real treasure.
It's been a real treasure.
I won't, I won't, lie to you,it's been a real treasure.
(03:18):
And on top of that, I'm also uh,recently trans um transitioned
over to becoming a chaplain.
So I was a logistics officerfor 12 to 13 plus years and now
I'm transitioning into achaplaincy.
And so with that, back in 2022,I started the process of
(03:42):
becoming a chaplain, which meantI had to go to school to get my
master's of divinity andpastoral counseling, with a
focus on marriage and familycounseling.
And so, and I and in themeantime, in between, while I've
been doing that, I've becomecertified as a mental health
(04:03):
coach as well, withspecializations and marriage and
family and addiction recovery.
So I've been getting all thesecertifications, I've been
getting all this development andall this education, because I
believe in lifetime learningRight.
And so, as a chaplain, I'vebeen diving into marriage and
family counseling, gettingcertified in programs and
(04:25):
building out curriculums anddoing things like that.
So my schedule has been busyman.
I've been counseling people,I've been doing the work in the
community with the kids, with mystudents, and I'm still a youth
pastor as well, so that's beenin the mix too, and so my life
has been pretty hectic.
My wife just finished hermaster's degree this past summer
(04:47):
, so she's super excited, andshe got her master's in
education and literacy, so she'sdoing her thing, and so it's
been really, really, reallygreat journey thus far, but I
haven't been putting out theconsistent content.
So I have a strategy.
(05:09):
I'm going to let you know thatstrategy and I want you to help
hold me accountable so that youcan celebrate with me.
Reach that milestone.
Okay, so as of today, I amprojected to finish my.
So, if you didn't catch that inmy rambling, I am getting two
master's degrees, one inteaching and one in counseling,
(05:30):
and so this year 2025, I will bewrapping up my master's in
pastoral counseling withmarriage and family family, with
a specialization in marriageand family, and then next year
I'll be wrapping up my ummasters and teaching, along with
(05:52):
finishing up my um, myresidency um and teaching as
well, so that I could become alicense, a fully um, perfect
license, a PEL, professionaleducation, education,
professional educator licensefor Illinois.
All right, so right now I havea, like a provisionary or
temporary license, so when Ifinish my schooling and my
residency program, which is twoyears, um, then I get my license
(06:16):
.
So, with that being said, um,this summer I'm doing an
internship, a, a counselinginternship for teens and young
adults.
Right, I'll be counseling teensand young adults every day and
I'm really looking forward tothat.
I think it's going to be reallydope, really really good,
really educational, and so I'mlooking forward to that.
(06:38):
But in the meantime, I had thisidea, right, I was like look, I
want to build up a following andmy audience around the topic of
marriage and family.
Right, doing the work in yourmarriage and doing the work in
your home as a parent, you know,as a spouse and as a parent,
(07:26):
you know, as a spouse and as aparent.
And I, my idea, my, my plan isto consistently put my
newsletter and um a weekly videofor YouTube, which will also be
the same content that's in mynewsletter.
It just be the newsletter willbe written, the podcast would be
audio and the uh YouTube videowill be video.
So it's three um modalities ofthe same content, basically, and
(07:48):
then each day I'll be postingsome things driving traffic to
those three sources.
And so this is the beginning ofthat, right.
What better way to get startedin January, right?
So I got some great thingscoming up for you guys.
I got an awesome marriage ebookthat's coming out that's
projected to come out on orbefore Valentine's Day for my
(08:12):
couples, all right.
And I got some things for ourparents, too that my wife and I
are working on.
That should be out around Marchtimeframe, okay, but we work in
full time.
We're also pastors.
We're also got kids of our own.
So no promises, but that's thegoal Keep us accountable.
If it gets too long, you're like, yeah, where's that?
(08:32):
So today, what I want to talk?
So that's what's been going on.
I've been going to school, I'vebeen teaching, I've been
getting adjusted to my new rolesas a student, with getting two
masters first year teacher stillbalancing chaplaincy with
pastoring and teaching, andbeing a student in grad school
(08:53):
and seminary.
So with all of that, I'm goingto.
I'm not going to make more workfor myself, I'm going to.
Actually, I found that as I wasgoing through my schoolwork, a
lot of it applies to the contentthat I would like to cover on
the podcast, right?
And so, for instance, januaryis National Mentoring Month,
(09:17):
believe it or not, and so Iwanted to make a podcast episode
about the importance ofmentoring and our and your
marriage and relationships,right, and that's that's what
I'm going to focus on.
I'm going to give some talkingpoints with that and, um, I
really, I really think you, you,um, will gain a lot from it.
I hope you do.
And then, um, so I'm takingcourses on premarital counseling
(09:43):
, marriage, marriage counseling.
So I'm taking courses onpremarital counseling, marriage,
marriage counseling, counselingwomen, a couple of other things
.
I've taken courses on some alot of theology courses that
frame my worldview.
I can apply that in a contextof a podcast and a newsletter
(10:08):
and a video that will help growmy audience by giving you
valuable content that isbiblically sound and yet
evidence based, and stuff thatjust works, man, it just works.
So that's the plan.
I hope you enjoy it.
If you didn't like that lastupdate, then you could just fast
(10:28):
forward to the meat of thisvideo, which is how mentoring
can change your marriage andalso your life.
Okay, so let's just jump intoit.
I have a couple of talkingpoints that I'm going to go
through and then I'm just have aconversation with you and I
hope by the end of this videoyou'll be encouraged to make
(10:49):
sure that you have relationshipmentors in your life as well.
All right, and so the first.
So let's just be honest, I'mjust going to give you a quick
glimpse.
The first, the first three yearsof my marriage were the worst.
My wife could tell you thatthey were the absolute worst.
I was physically present butemotionally absent.
And my kids?
They barely saw me because, inmy mind, working hard to provide
(11:18):
for them, little rascals, nomatter the cost, made me a good
father.
At least that's what I thought,right, and I didn't know any
other way.
I thought that, as long as theyhad what they needed as
children, that I was been a goodfather and I was there and I
was providing for them and Ididn't have role models for
marriage or parenting.
My father was married to anotherwoman when he had my brother
and I and with my mom, and theirrelationship was a mess.
(11:43):
You know, there was a domesticviolence, there was emotional
abuse.
There was verbal abuse, therewere all type of things on both
sides, and so I figured, as longas I'm doing better than that,
I'm killing it.
You know what I'm saying?
I feel, as long as I'm one stepbetter or one step further than
(12:06):
what my, than what I saw in myown parents, that I figured you
know I'm doing a good thing.
But I wasn't.
I wasn't and I didn't know thatI wasn't, until there was
someone who came in my life toshow me that, and so I didn't.
I didn't see it.
I didn't see it at the time,but my marriage was crumbling
and my kids needed me to be morethan a paycheck to them, and so
(12:30):
that's that's what I learned.
And so that's when I learnedthat being there for your family
isn't just about providing as aman, as a husband, it's not
just about providing, it's aboutshowing up.
And no one teaches you how toshow up.
No one.
You're not born knowing how toshow up.
(12:52):
You don't get married knowinghow to show up unless two things
happen unless you have somereally good premarital
counseling, or if you havementors marriage and
relationship mentors that youcan look up to and so mentorship
was a turning point for me canlook up to, and so mentorship
was the turning point for me andthat's what I wanted to spend
(13:13):
time talking to you about inthis video and on this podcast
is that my mentor Dale.
He changed my life.
He didn't just give me advice,he pushed me to become the
husband and the father that myfamily needed.
And Dale helped me to see thatmy greatest mission, my greatest
ministry, my greatest impactstarts in my home.
(13:35):
It starts at home, and hechallenged me.
He challenged me to beintentional in my marriage and
he challenged me to connect withmy kids in a way that I never
knew how to do, if that makessense.
And so he challenged me inthose areas and he redefined
what it means to lead my family.
(13:57):
He redefined it because what Iwas doing, I thought was good,
but what I was doing was justsurviving.
My whole childhood, growing up,was about survival and my
parents doing what they could togive us what we had.
And I wasn't just, and itwasn't just Dale.
You know, over the years, othermentors have guided me through
(14:19):
challenges, helping me to growas a man, helping me to grow as
a husband and a father.
They showed me that success athome matters more than anything
else that I could do as ahusband and as a father.
If I can succeed at home, thenI can succeed anywhere, and
(14:39):
that's why mentorship isessential.
Mentorship isn't a luxury.
I tell people all the timementorship isn't a luxury, it's
a necessity.
In the church world we willcall that discipleship, and
discipleship is not a luxury,it's a necessity.
Just like Jesus had hisdisciples, his 12 disciples,
(15:00):
that he showed the blueprint to,that he put on game.
That's the same thing.
We need people to give us thecheat code.
And if you don't have that, letme give you a couple of
statistics.
Let me give you some statisticsto help you out.
Did you know that 76% of peopleagree that mentors are
(15:20):
important, but only 37% have one?
So I'm thinking about the gap,and it's usually three things.
It's usually a fear of asking,because we don't.
What if they say no?
We don't want to get rejected,you know, because we haven't had
mentors to show us how to leaninto rejection and fell forward.
(15:41):
So we don't.
What if they say no?
We have a fear of asking.
And then there's uncertainty.
What do I even?
Where do I even find a mentor?
How do I steward a mentorrelationship, so there's all
this uncertainty around it thatyou don't have or that you have
that keeps you from getting amentor.
(16:01):
And then the last thing waskind of what I've already
alluded to was, or is, the lackof know-how.
How do I maintain therelationship once I do find a
mentor, once someone does say,okay, I will give you the cheat
code, I'll show you theblueprint I'll put you on,
because mentorship is about morethan advice.
(16:21):
It's about having someone inyour corner who can guide you
and your thoughts through thechallenges of marriage and
parenting, someone who's alreadywalked the path and can light
the way for you.
I tell people all the time ifyou find yourself a marriage
(16:41):
mentor or someone to counsel,you make sure they've been in
the thing more than 10 years,because it takes about 10 years
to really get your footing inthis thing.
You know what I'm saying and Iknow everybody's journey is
different, but everybody'sjourney takes time, man, and you
need people who are experienced.
(17:01):
When I was in the I'm still inthe military, but when my
military mentors, it was alwaysa rank or two above me, because
you just need someone who's acouple steps ahead of you so
they can show you and they havefresh in their mind how they got
there.
And they can show you what theydid and keep you from making
those same mistakes.
Because the benefits ofmentorship, especially in the
(17:25):
marriage and relationshipcapacity, is innumerable.
Mentors don't just guide, theytransform.
And just like the story I toldyou about my mentor and my
relationship and my parentingwith Dale, the same can happen
to you, because they save youtime.
You avoid years of mistakes bylearning from someone who's
(17:48):
already been where you are, soyou save yourself time.
Number two they push you togrow.
Sometimes it's uncomfortablewhen you're in a mentorship
relationship, because mentorshold you accountable.
Mentors challenge you to reachyour potential.
That's what they're there for.
(18:08):
That's why you ask them tomentor you.
They know that you can do it.
You're being lazy, you're beingcomplacent, you're being
lethargic or apathetic, but theypush you to do bad.
They push you to do the work.
And number three they bringclarity, because with their
guidance, you'll set meaningfulgoals that align with your
(18:31):
values and priorities.
They bring clarity.
Nothing's better than calling upa mentor and say, hey, can I
bounce some things off of you,just as let me know what you
think, because they haveexperience, life experience and
time doing what you are tryingto do, and they've been where
you've been and they can helpavoid the pitfalls and mistakes
(18:53):
before you even get there.
Imagine having someone in yourcorner dedicated to helping you
succeed in your marriage andparenting.
That's the power of mentorship.
That's the type of resourcethat I'm talking about, because
mentorship there's a blueprintto mentorship.
(19:14):
If you're really ready to finda mentor who can help you
transform your marriage,parenting and personal growth,
here's the plan that I submit toyou to follow.
Here's the plan.
There's four steps to this planand it's very simple.
Number one ask for the firstmeeting.
Fear of rejection keeps manypeople stuck, but we worry about
(19:39):
what others might think orwhether they're going to say no.
But here's the thing, here'sthe truth.
Most mentors are honored.
To help someone who valuestheir expertise and experience,
start by identifying someone you, who you respect, in your
community, in your church, yourworkplace or even online.
(20:02):
This person doesn't need tohave all the answers.
All they need to do is be alittle further along than you
are, but they should possessqualities, knowledge and skills
that you admire and aspire tohave yourself or emulate
yourself.
And so, when you're reachingout, be specific.
(20:23):
Be specific about why you'rereaching out, why you're seeking
their guidance or mentorship,and then like, for example, if I
admire if you say I admire howyou've built a strong family
while balancing your career andI love to learn from your
experience that's it.
Keep it simple, keep it sincereand even if you can't commit
(20:46):
even if they can't commit, theymight point you to someone who
can, because they see thatyou're being sincere and that
you've asked for the firstmeeting.
Number two, advocate for therelationship you got.
You got to.
I'm not saying fight like tothe nail, like ride or die, but
you have to show that you reallyappreciate the relationship.
Once you've secured the firstmeeting, the key is to build
(21:10):
trust and connection.
Start by sharing your storywhat brought you to this point,
what challenges are you facingand where would you like to grow
?
Be authentic and vulnerable.
Mentors value honesty and overperfection, because when you
(21:30):
come to someone who you want tomentor and you act like you got
it all together, the first thingwe're going to think is like
what you need me for then?
What you need me for then, ifyou got all the answers you know
.
So focus on listening duringthese early conversations, ask
thoughtful questions about theirjourney, how they overcame
(21:50):
similar challenges and whatlessons they've learned.
It isn't about gathering advice.
It's about understanding theirperspective and building a
rapport with them so that youcan grow and see if you guys
have making a connection or not,seeing if you click, seeing if
it's a good fit for you and forthem making a connection or not,
seeing if you click, seeing ifit's a good fit for you and for
(22:12):
them.
And as the relationshipprogresses, don't be afraid to
dive deeper.
Show your goals or share yourgoals about your marriage and
your family life.
Invite them into your process.
Let them see how you're dealingwith things and what advice
they can give you.
This isn't a one-way street,what advice they can give you.
(22:32):
This isn't a one way street.
Like mentors appreciate seeinghow their guidance is making an
impact and a difference.
So when you invite us into theprocess, it's easier for us and
we and it helps motivate us tostick with you, even if you're
not succeeding in the beginning,all right.
So advocate for therelationship.
Number three maintain therelationship.
(22:53):
So you got to ask for the firstmeeting, you got to advocate
for that relationship and then,once you have it, maintain it.
The most effective mentorshipsare built on mutual respect and
consistent communication.
It's not enough to meet onceand then disappear.
Nah, man, this is an ongoingthing.
(23:13):
So you got to show your mentorthat their time and the input
matter by staying in touchregularly.
You just don't disappear andjust call them up whenever
you're going through something.
Ah man, she about to leaveagain.
Bro, can you talk to me whatI'm supposed to do?
No, you need to be ongoing whenthings are going good as well
(23:33):
as when they're going bad,because that builds that
relationship and the more trustand the more rapport you have,
the the easier it's going to bewhen, when the conversations get
tough.
You know what I'm saying.
So, whether it's a win, achallenge or even a failure,
you're working through it.
For example, if you'reimplemented, if you're
(23:53):
implementing the advice thatthey give you and about spending
quality time with your spouseor being more present with your,
with your kids, then let themknow how it's going.
Hey, man, you told me to spendmore time with him.
I'm trying, but I just I don'tfeel like it's they just.
Every time I'm with them, theyjust getting on my nerves, you
know.
So gratitude goes a long way inmaintaining the relationship,
(24:18):
and a heartfelt thank you or anote or a message, even a text
message after a meaningfulconversation, can strengthen the
relationship.
If they give you some adviceand you're like yo, this is real
good, I'm doing it right nowand it's working like crazy good
, celebrate those milestonestogether.
Acknowledge their role in yourgrowth.
Don't take their advice and actlike they didn't give it to you
(24:39):
.
Remember, mentorship is apartnership and both sides
benefit from the connection, somaintain it.
Be grateful.
Let them know how's it going.
You know they shouldn't bealways calling you and asking
you how things are going.
If you're the one that wantedto be mentored, you know.
And then the last thing is youknow, keep refining your goals.
(25:00):
One of the biggest mistakes thatpeople make is treating goals
as a fixed destination, and it'snot.
Your mentor Isn't there to handyou a perfect roadmap of ABC, b
, c and D, and then you're goingto get one, two and three.
No, they're there.
We are there to help younavigate your journey, which
will evolve over time.
(25:21):
I know mine has.
So you have to regularlyrevisit your goals and assess
whether they still align withyour values and priorities, for
example, and assess whether theystill align with your values
and priorities.
For example, your initial goalmight be improving communication
with your spouse.
That's an obvious one, a bigone and once you make progress,
(25:42):
you might shift your focus tobuilding a stronger relationship
with your children.
You're, like me and wifey, goodman we better than we ever been
.
So let me now focus on theserascals.
You know what I'm saying.
Let me focus on my children.
Let me, let me build a loving,cherished relationship with them
, like I built with their motheror their father, you know.
(26:03):
So discuss these shifts withyour mentor.
Their guidance can keep you andhelp you identify that new
challenge or opportunities thatyou might not have even
considered.
They may not have evenmentioned something that you
should be working on because youare, because you're focused on
(26:23):
working on something that's moreimportant.
So this interactive process ofgoal setting and refinement
keeps the relationship dynamicand relevant and showing that
you're always growing andprogressing in the right
direction in your relationshipand with your family.
My invitation, or my suggestion,is that you don't have to
(26:46):
navigate your marriage andparenting or personal growth
alone.
You don't have to do it, andhere's how you can.
You can start.
So you may be thinking, allright, harold, I get it.
Mentorship is important.
People do it in the businessworld, people do it in the
church, people do it in thecorporate setting, whether it be
(27:08):
school or organization thatyou're, that you're working in.
But mentorship is an importantthing and I personally believe
your marriage is one of the mostimportant relationships that
you will ever have.
But yet you will have a mentorfor your job.
You have a mentor for, uh, your, your.
(27:30):
You'll have a mentor in yourschooling, but you won't have a
mentor for your marriage.
You'll have a mentor for yourpersonal growth and development,
but you won't have a mentor tohow to love each other, right,
how to stay committed whenthings get tough.
So that's crazy, right.
So I want to be that for youuntil you find the person that's
(27:57):
the perfect fit, whether that'sme, someone else or.
However, and here's how you canstart, as I alluded to earlier,
do the Work podcast is committedto putting out content that's
going to help your marriagethrive.
You're going to get weeklyinsight and strategies to build
a thriving marriage and familyand, along with that, the
(28:18):
newsletter, the podcast, theYouTube channel.
These are things that you canconsume.
That's going to help you go inthe right direction.
But until you find someone whoyou can confide in on an
intimate level, who you can goto when you're frustrated, who
you can bounce ideas off of whenyou want to go on another
(28:41):
venture, on a differentdirection, until you get that,
these things that I'm puttingout weekly is going to help you
do that.
And so mentorship.
Like I said, mentorship changedmy life, man.
It changed my life.
It took me from being an absentand disconnected father to
(29:02):
leading my family with purposeand love.
I'm telling you I was all aboutwork and making money so that
they can be comfortable, or whatI thought was comfortable, but
now I'm learning to be balancedbecause of the power of
mentorship in my life.
And if you're ready to breakfree from cycles of stress and
(29:23):
overwhelm, then take the step.
Invite someone who you look upto, who you admire, to show you
how to have the marriage and thefamily that you've always
wanted.
Your thriving family startswith one decision finding a
mentor, and we can do thattogether.
(29:46):
We can work together until thathappens.
I can, I could be a mentor inthe capacity of the content, but
I'm also open to being a mentorand the capacity of building
that relationship together,because we all have busy lives,
we all have things that consumeour time and we all have excuses
(30:10):
that we can make, but when itcomes to your relationships,
when it comes to your family,that should not be one of the
things that you don't have timefor.
That should not be one of thethings that you don't have
someone that you are modeling,actively modeling after, and if
you're not, then you justwinging it.
And how committed to yourmarriage are you If all you're
(30:36):
doing is winging it?
All right, so meet me back herenext week for another episode
of do the work so you cancontinue to grow in your
marriage and grow in your family.
Until then, I'm out, guys.
Welcome back to Do the Work Podcast, man.
It's been a hot minute, but Iam excited to be back in the
saddle, as they would say, right.
So there's a couple of thingson my agenda that I want to
bring to you.
It's good.
So, for those of you who'vebeen following me on social
media, you already know Iappreciate you, and you've
(00:20):
probably been seeing someconsistent content coming out as
far as marriage and family, andso that's what we're going to
focus on here.
Man, I'm going to give you alittle bit of update about
what's been going on with mesince the last episode.
I kind of wish I would have didseasons right, because then I
would have been like, hey, we'redone with one season and we're
(00:41):
going to another season, butnevertheless we're still going
to get it done, and so I've been.
I've been really planning to dosomething like this for months,
really, and I always push it off.
Push it off because lifehappens, things come up has been
the request from people who Ididn't know was listening to the
(01:06):
podcast.
That has been like yo, when'sthe next episode dropping?
I'm waiting, I'm anxiouslywaiting, and so some stuff
that's been going on with me.
So just a quick overview sothat you know where I'm at, and
I want to invite you into thisjourney that I'm going with me.
(01:26):
So first things first.
I started teaching this year asa fifth grade teacher, so that's
amazing.
I was a sub and an aide.
Trying to figure out what I wasgoing to be doing permanently
Felt a real strong piece aboutteaching.
I loved it.
It was a great fit.
(01:46):
I love having summers off andstill getting paid.
It was great.
So I committed to that, whichmeant that I had to go to school
to get a master's of arts andteaching while teaching as a
teacher.
While I'm doing it and whatthey call a residency.
(02:10):
And so I've been working.
I started this past summertaking classes for my master's
of arts and teaching as analternative route to my
licensure, and so that's beenreally good.
It's been fun the kids, myclassroom, you know.
Decorating my classroom with mywife, having my own class,
(02:33):
creating that classroomenvironment has been great, and
what I really appreciate aboutit is that it helps feed into
the podcast and do the work,because I focus on doing the
work in your marriage and doingthe work in your family with
your children, and what betterway, man, to really get to know
what's working in the kids'minds man than being a teacher,
(02:57):
because you interact with themevery day in the classroom their
personalities, their attitudes,the lingo, the trends, the
things that's going on, that,the new pressures that they're
dealing with um home life,helping them navigate with that.
And so it's been a.
It's been a real treasure.
It's been a real treasure.
I won't, I won't, lie to you,it's been a real treasure.
(03:18):
And on top of that, I'm also uh,recently trans um transitioned
over to becoming a chaplain.
So I was a logistics officerfor 12 to 13 plus years and now
I'm transitioning into achaplaincy.
And so with that, back in 2022,I started the process of
(03:42):
becoming a chaplain, which meantI had to go to school to get my
master's of divinity andpastoral counseling, with a
focus on marriage and familycounseling.
And so, and I and in themeantime, in between, while I've
been doing that, I've becomecertified as a mental health
(04:03):
coach as well, withspecializations and marriage and
family and addiction recovery.
So I've been getting all thesecertifications, I've been
getting all this development andall this education, because I
believe in lifetime learningRight.
And so, as a chaplain, I'vebeen diving into marriage and
family counseling, gettingcertified in programs and
(04:25):
building out curriculums anddoing things like that.
So my schedule has been busyman.
I've been counseling people,I've been doing the work in the
community with the kids, with mystudents, and I'm still a youth
pastor as well, so that's beenin the mix too, and so my life
has been pretty hectic.
My wife just finished hermaster's degree this past summer
(04:47):
, so she's super excited, andshe got her master's in
education and literacy, so she'sdoing her thing, and so it's
been really, really, reallygreat journey thus far, but I
haven't been putting out theconsistent content.
So I have a strategy.
(05:09):
I'm going to let you know thatstrategy and I want you to help
hold me accountable so that youcan celebrate with me.
Reach that milestone.
Okay, so as of today, I amprojected to finish my.
So, if you didn't catch that inmy rambling, I am getting two
master's degrees, one inteaching and one in counseling,
(05:30):
and so this year 2025, I will bewrapping up my master's in
pastoral counseling withmarriage and family family, with
a specialization in marriageand family, and then next year
I'll be wrapping up my ummasters and teaching, along with
(05:52):
finishing up my um, myresidency um and teaching as
well, so that I could become alicense, a fully um, perfect
license, a PEL, professionaleducation, education,
professional educator licensefor Illinois.
All right, so right now I havea, like a provisionary or
temporary license, so when Ifinish my schooling and my
residency program, which is twoyears, um, then I get my license
(06:16):
.
So, with that being said, um,this summer I'm doing an
internship, a, a counselinginternship for teens and young
adults.
Right, I'll be counseling teensand young adults every day and
I'm really looking forward tothat.
I think it's going to be reallydope, really really good,
really educational, and so I'mlooking forward to that.
(06:38):
But in the meantime, I had thisidea, right, I was like look, I
want to build up a following andmy audience around the topic of
marriage and family.
Right, doing the work in yourmarriage and doing the work in
your home as a parent, you know,as a spouse and as a parent,
(07:26):
you know, as a spouse and as aparent.
And I, my idea, my, my plan isto consistently put my
newsletter and um a weekly videofor YouTube, which will also be
the same content that's in mynewsletter.
It just be the newsletter willbe written, the podcast would be
audio and the uh YouTube videowill be video.
So it's three um modalities ofthe same content, basically, and
(07:48):
then each day I'll be postingsome things driving traffic to
those three sources.
And so this is the beginning ofthat, right.
What better way to get startedin January, right?
So I got some great thingscoming up for you guys.
I got an awesome marriage ebookthat's coming out that's
projected to come out on orbefore Valentine's Day for my
(08:12):
couples, all right.
And I got some things for ourparents, too that my wife and I
are working on.
That should be out around Marchtimeframe, okay, but we work in
full time.
We're also pastors.
We're also got kids of our own.
So no promises, but that's thegoal Keep us accountable.
If it gets too long, you're like, yeah, where's that?
(08:32):
So today, what I want to talk?
So that's what's been going on.
I've been going to school, I'vebeen teaching, I've been
getting adjusted to my new rolesas a student, with getting two
masters first year teacher stillbalancing chaplaincy with
pastoring and teaching, andbeing a student in grad school
(08:53):
and seminary.
So with all of that, I'm goingto.
I'm not going to make more workfor myself, I'm going to.
Actually, I found that as I wasgoing through my schoolwork, a
lot of it applies to the contentthat I would like to cover on
the podcast, right?
And so, for instance, januaryis National Mentoring Month,
(09:17):
believe it or not, and so Iwanted to make a podcast episode
about the importance ofmentoring and our and your
marriage and relationships,right, and that's that's what
I'm going to focus on.
I'm going to give some talkingpoints with that and, um, I
really, I really think you, you,um, will gain a lot from it.
I hope you do.
And then, um, so I'm takingcourses on premarital counseling
(09:43):
, marriage, marriage counseling.
So I'm taking courses onpremarital counseling, marriage,
marriage counseling, counselingwomen, a couple of other things
.
I've taken courses on some alot of theology courses that
frame my worldview.
I can apply that in a contextof a podcast and a newsletter
(10:08):
and a video that will help growmy audience by giving you
valuable content that isbiblically sound and yet
evidence based, and stuff thatjust works, man, it just works.
So that's the plan.
I hope you enjoy it.
If you didn't like that lastupdate, then you could just fast
(10:28):
forward to the meat of thisvideo, which is how mentoring
can change your marriage andalso your life.
Okay, so let's just jump intoit.
I have a couple of talkingpoints that I'm going to go
through and then I'm just have aconversation with you and I
hope by the end of this videoyou'll be encouraged to make
(10:49):
sure that you have relationshipmentors in your life as well.
All right, and so the first.
So let's just be honest, I'mjust going to give you a quick
glimpse.
The first, the first three yearsof my marriage were the worst.
My wife could tell you thatthey were the absolute worst.
I was physically present butemotionally absent.
And my kids?
They barely saw me because, inmy mind, working hard to provide
(11:18):
for them, little rascals, nomatter the cost, made me a good
father.
At least that's what I thought,right, and I didn't know any
other way.
I thought that, as long as theyhad what they needed as
children, that I was been a goodfather and I was there and I
was providing for them and Ididn't have role models for
marriage or parenting.
My father was married to anotherwoman when he had my brother
and I and with my mom, and theirrelationship was a mess.
(11:43):
You know, there was a domesticviolence, there was emotional
abuse.
There was verbal abuse, therewere all type of things on both
sides, and so I figured, as longas I'm doing better than that,
I'm killing it.
You know what I'm saying?
I feel, as long as I'm one stepbetter or one step further than
(12:06):
what my, than what I saw in myown parents, that I figured you
know I'm doing a good thing.
But I wasn't.
I wasn't and I didn't know thatI wasn't, until there was
someone who came in my life toshow me that, and so I didn't.
I didn't see it.
I didn't see it at the time,but my marriage was crumbling
and my kids needed me to be morethan a paycheck to them, and so
(12:30):
that's that's what I learned.
And so that's when I learnedthat being there for your family
isn't just about providing as aman, as a husband, it's not
just about providing, it's aboutshowing up.
And no one teaches you how toshow up.
No one.
You're not born knowing how toshow up.
(12:52):
You don't get married knowinghow to show up unless two things
happen unless you have somereally good premarital
counseling, or if you havementors marriage and
relationship mentors that youcan look up to and so mentorship
was a turning point for me canlook up to, and so mentorship
was the turning point for me andthat's what I wanted to spend
(13:13):
time talking to you about inthis video and on this podcast
is that my mentor Dale.
He changed my life.
He didn't just give me advice,he pushed me to become the
husband and the father that myfamily needed.
And Dale helped me to see thatmy greatest mission, my greatest
ministry, my greatest impactstarts in my home.
(13:35):
It starts at home, and hechallenged me.
He challenged me to beintentional in my marriage and
he challenged me to connect withmy kids in a way that I never
knew how to do, if that makessense.
And so he challenged me inthose areas and he redefined
what it means to lead my family.
(13:57):
He redefined it because what Iwas doing, I thought was good,
but what I was doing was justsurviving.
My whole childhood, growing up,was about survival and my
parents doing what they could togive us what we had.
And I wasn't just, and itwasn't just Dale.
You know, over the years, othermentors have guided me through
(14:19):
challenges, helping me to growas a man, helping me to grow as
a husband and a father.
They showed me that success athome matters more than anything
else that I could do as ahusband and as a father.
If I can succeed at home, thenI can succeed anywhere, and
(14:39):
that's why mentorship isessential.
Mentorship isn't a luxury.
I tell people all the timementorship isn't a luxury, it's
a necessity.
In the church world we willcall that discipleship, and
discipleship is not a luxury,it's a necessity.
Just like Jesus had hisdisciples, his 12 disciples,
(15:00):
that he showed the blueprint to,that he put on game.
That's the same thing.
We need people to give us thecheat code.
And if you don't have that, letme give you a couple of
statistics.
Let me give you some statisticsto help you out.
Did you know that 76% of peopleagree that mentors are
(15:20):
important, but only 37% have one?
So I'm thinking about the gap,and it's usually three things.
It's usually a fear of asking,because we don't.
What if they say no?
We don't want to get rejected,you know, because we haven't had
mentors to show us how to leaninto rejection and fell forward.
(15:41):
So we don't.
What if they say no?
We have a fear of asking.
And then there's uncertainty.
What do I even?
Where do I even find a mentor?
How do I steward a mentorrelationship, so there's all
this uncertainty around it thatyou don't have or that you have
that keeps you from getting amentor.
(16:01):
And then the last thing waskind of what I've already
alluded to was, or is, the lackof know-how.
How do I maintain therelationship once I do find a
mentor, once someone does say,okay, I will give you the cheat
code, I'll show you theblueprint I'll put you on,
because mentorship is about morethan advice.
(16:21):
It's about having someone inyour corner who can guide you
and your thoughts through thechallenges of marriage and
parenting, someone who's alreadywalked the path and can light
the way for you.
I tell people all the time ifyou find yourself a marriage
(16:41):
mentor or someone to counsel,you make sure they've been in
the thing more than 10 years,because it takes about 10 years
to really get your footing inthis thing.
You know what I'm saying and Iknow everybody's journey is
different, but everybody'sjourney takes time, man, and you
need people who are experienced.
(17:01):
When I was in the I'm still inthe military, but when my
military mentors, it was alwaysa rank or two above me, because
you just need someone who's acouple steps ahead of you so
they can show you and they havefresh in their mind how they got
there.
And they can show you what theydid and keep you from making
those same mistakes.
Because the benefits ofmentorship, especially in the
(17:25):
marriage and relationshipcapacity, is innumerable.
Mentors don't just guide, theytransform.
And just like the story I toldyou about my mentor and my
relationship and my parentingwith Dale, the same can happen
to you, because they save youtime.
You avoid years of mistakes bylearning from someone who's
(17:48):
already been where you are, soyou save yourself time.
Number two they push you togrow.
Sometimes it's uncomfortablewhen you're in a mentorship
relationship, because mentorshold you accountable.
Mentors challenge you to reachyour potential.
That's what they're there for.
(18:08):
That's why you ask them tomentor you.
They know that you can do it.
You're being lazy, you're beingcomplacent, you're being
lethargic or apathetic, but theypush you to do bad.
They push you to do the work.
And number three they bringclarity, because with their
guidance, you'll set meaningfulgoals that align with your
(18:31):
values and priorities.
They bring clarity.
Nothing's better than calling upa mentor and say, hey, can I
bounce some things off of you,just as let me know what you
think, because they haveexperience, life experience and
time doing what you are tryingto do, and they've been where
you've been and they can helpavoid the pitfalls and mistakes
(18:53):
before you even get there.
Imagine having someone in yourcorner dedicated to helping you
succeed in your marriage andparenting.
That's the power of mentorship.
That's the type of resourcethat I'm talking about, because
mentorship there's a blueprintto mentorship.
(19:14):
If you're really ready to finda mentor who can help you
transform your marriage,parenting and personal growth,
here's the plan that I submit toyou to follow.
Here's the plan.
There's four steps to this planand it's very simple.
Number one ask for the firstmeeting.
Fear of rejection keeps manypeople stuck, but we worry about
(19:39):
what others might think orwhether they're going to say no.
But here's the thing, here'sthe truth.
Most mentors are honored.
To help someone who valuestheir expertise and experience,
start by identifying someone you, who you respect, in your
community, in your church, yourworkplace or even online.
(20:02):
This person doesn't need tohave all the answers.
All they need to do is be alittle further along than you
are, but they should possessqualities, knowledge and skills
that you admire and aspire tohave yourself or emulate
yourself.
And so, when you're reachingout, be specific.
(20:23):
Be specific about why you'rereaching out, why you're seeking
their guidance or mentorship,and then like, for example, if I
admire if you say I admire howyou've built a strong family
while balancing your career andI love to learn from your
experience that's it.
Keep it simple, keep it sincereand even if you can't commit
(20:46):
even if they can't commit, theymight point you to someone who
can, because they see thatyou're being sincere and that
you've asked for the firstmeeting.
Number two, advocate for therelationship you got.
You got to.
I'm not saying fight like tothe nail, like ride or die, but
you have to show that you reallyappreciate the relationship.
Once you've secured the firstmeeting, the key is to build
(21:10):
trust and connection.
Start by sharing your storywhat brought you to this point,
what challenges are you facingand where would you like to grow
?
Be authentic and vulnerable.
Mentors value honesty and overperfection, because when you
(21:30):
come to someone who you want tomentor and you act like you got
it all together, the first thingwe're going to think is like
what you need me for then?
What you need me for then, ifyou got all the answers you know
.
So focus on listening duringthese early conversations, ask
thoughtful questions about theirjourney, how they overcame
(21:50):
similar challenges and whatlessons they've learned.
It isn't about gathering advice.
It's about understanding theirperspective and building a
rapport with them so that youcan grow and see if you guys
have making a connection or not,seeing if you click, seeing if
it's a good fit for you and forthem making a connection or not,
seeing if you click, seeing ifit's a good fit for you and for
(22:12):
them.
And as the relationshipprogresses, don't be afraid to
dive deeper.
Show your goals or share yourgoals about your marriage and
your family life.
Invite them into your process.
Let them see how you're dealingwith things and what advice
they can give you.
This isn't a one-way street,what advice they can give you.
(22:32):
This isn't a one way street.
Like mentors appreciate seeinghow their guidance is making an
impact and a difference.
So when you invite us into theprocess, it's easier for us and
we and it helps motivate us tostick with you, even if you're
not succeeding in the beginning,all right.
So advocate for therelationship.
Number three maintain therelationship.
(22:53):
So you got to ask for the firstmeeting, you got to advocate
for that relationship and then,once you have it, maintain it.
The most effective mentorshipsare built on mutual respect and
consistent communication.
It's not enough to meet onceand then disappear.
Nah, man, this is an ongoingthing.
(23:13):
So you got to show your mentorthat their time and the input
matter by staying in touchregularly.
You just don't disappear andjust call them up whenever
you're going through something.
Ah man, she about to leaveagain.
Bro, can you talk to me whatI'm supposed to do?
No, you need to be ongoing whenthings are going good as well
(23:33):
as when they're going bad,because that builds that
relationship and the more trustand the more rapport you have,
the the easier it's going to bewhen, when the conversations get
tough.
You know what I'm saying.
So, whether it's a win, achallenge or even a failure,
you're working through it.
For example, if you'reimplemented, if you're
(23:53):
implementing the advice thatthey give you and about spending
quality time with your spouseor being more present with your,
with your kids, then let themknow how it's going.
Hey, man, you told me to spendmore time with him.
I'm trying, but I just I don'tfeel like it's they just.
Every time I'm with them, theyjust getting on my nerves, you
know.
So gratitude goes a long way inmaintaining the relationship,
(24:18):
and a heartfelt thank you or anote or a message, even a text
message after a meaningfulconversation, can strengthen the
relationship.
If they give you some adviceand you're like yo, this is real
good, I'm doing it right nowand it's working like crazy good
, celebrate those milestonestogether.
Acknowledge their role in yourgrowth.
Don't take their advice and actlike they didn't give it to you
(24:39):
.
Remember, mentorship is apartnership and both sides
benefit from the connection, somaintain it.
Be grateful.
Let them know how's it going.
You know they shouldn't bealways calling you and asking
you how things are going.
If you're the one that wantedto be mentored, you know.
And then the last thing is youknow, keep refining your goals.
(25:00):
One of the biggest mistakes thatpeople make is treating goals
as a fixed destination, and it'snot.
Your mentor Isn't there to handyou a perfect roadmap of ABC, b
, c and D, and then you're goingto get one, two and three.
No, they're there.
We are there to help younavigate your journey, which
will evolve over time.
(25:21):
I know mine has.
So you have to regularlyrevisit your goals and assess
whether they still align withyour values and priorities, for
example, and assess whether theystill align with your values
and priorities.
For example, your initial goalmight be improving communication
with your spouse.
That's an obvious one, a bigone and once you make progress,
(25:42):
you might shift your focus tobuilding a stronger relationship
with your children.
You're, like me and wifey, goodman we better than we ever been
.
So let me now focus on theserascals.
You know what I'm saying.
Let me focus on my children.
Let me, let me build a loving,cherished relationship with them
, like I built with their motheror their father, you know.
(26:03):
So discuss these shifts withyour mentor.
Their guidance can keep you andhelp you identify that new
challenge or opportunities thatyou might not have even
considered.
They may not have evenmentioned something that you
should be working on because youare, because you're focused on
(26:23):
working on something that's moreimportant.
So this interactive process ofgoal setting and refinement
keeps the relationship dynamicand relevant and showing that
you're always growing andprogressing in the right
direction in your relationshipand with your family.
My invitation, or my suggestion,is that you don't have to
(26:46):
navigate your marriage andparenting or personal growth
alone.
You don't have to do it, andhere's how you can.
You can start.
So you may be thinking, allright, harold, I get it.
Mentorship is important.
People do it in the businessworld, people do it in the
church, people do it in thecorporate setting, whether it be
(27:08):
school or organization thatyou're, that you're working in.
But mentorship is an importantthing and I personally believe
your marriage is one of the mostimportant relationships that
you will ever have.
But yet you will have a mentorfor your job.
You have a mentor for, uh, your, your.
(27:30):
You'll have a mentor in yourschooling, but you won't have a
mentor for your marriage.
You'll have a mentor for yourpersonal growth and development,
but you won't have a mentor tohow to love each other, right,
how to stay committed whenthings get tough.
So that's crazy, right.
So I want to be that for youuntil you find the person that's
(27:57):
the perfect fit, whether that'sme, someone else or.
However, and here's how you canstart, as I alluded to earlier,
do the Work podcast is committedto putting out content that's
going to help your marriagethrive.
You're going to get weeklyinsight and strategies to build
a thriving marriage and familyand, along with that, the
(28:18):
newsletter, the podcast, theYouTube channel.
These are things that you canconsume.
That's going to help you go inthe right direction.
But until you find someone whoyou can confide in on an
intimate level, who you can goto when you're frustrated, who
you can bounce ideas off of whenyou want to go on another
(28:41):
venture, on a differentdirection, until you get that,
these things that I'm puttingout weekly is going to help you
do that.
And so mentorship.
Like I said, mentorship changedmy life, man.
It changed my life.
It took me from being an absentand disconnected father to
(29:02):
leading my family with purposeand love.
I'm telling you I was all aboutwork and making money so that
they can be comfortable, or whatI thought was comfortable, but
now I'm learning to be balancedbecause of the power of
mentorship in my life.
And if you're ready to breakfree from cycles of stress and
(29:23):
overwhelm, then take the step.
Invite someone who you look upto, who you admire, to show you
how to have the marriage and thefamily that you've always
wanted.
Your thriving family startswith one decision finding a
mentor, and we can do thattogether.
(29:46):
We can work together until thathappens.
I can, I could be a mentor inthe capacity of the content, but
I'm also open to being a mentorand the capacity of building
that relationship together,because we all have busy lives,
we all have things that consumeour time and we all have excuses
(30:10):
that we can make, but when itcomes to your relationships,
when it comes to your family,that should not be one of the
things that you don't have timefor.
That should not be one of thethings that you don't have
someone that you are modeling,actively modeling after, and if
you're not, then you justwinging it.
And how committed to yourmarriage are you If all you're
(30:36):
doing is winging it?
All right, so meet me back herenext week for another episode
of do the work so you cancontinue to grow in your
marriage and grow in your family.
Until then, I'm out, guys.
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