March 29, 2025 • 33 mins
External validation keeps us trapped in cycles of performance that obscure our true identity and exhaust us spiritually, emotionally, and physically. We're learning to rediscover who God created us to be by breaking free from people-pleasing and returning to our authentic selves.
• Trading authenticity for attachment teaches us to perform for love rather than receiving it freely
• Spiritualized people-pleasing in faith communities isn't service—it's survival motivated by fear
• Validation-seeking compromises your calling, cements your mask, and silences the Holy Spirit
• Self-reflection helps you discover who you are when not performing
• Returning to God's narrative replaces toxic labels with biblical truth about your identity
• Practicing graceful "no's" protects your boundaries and creates space for purposeful "yes"
• Healing your inner child with compassion addresses the root of performance addiction
• Disconnecting from digital stimulation creates space to reconnect with God and yourself
• Stop chasing validation from people who didn't die for you—only Jesus did that
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
What's going on.
So this, these next twoepisodes, are going to be
special episodes.
All right, they are episodesthat I wrote and recorded in
March, but life was life and Ididn't get able to, didn't get a
chance to put them out.
So you might be listening tothis in April or you might be
listening to this some othertime, but these next two
(00:21):
episodes are specifically forwomen, in honor of Women's
History Month, but they're alsofor men, to understand women too
.
So a lot of this material Ipulled from some coursework that
I was doing and counselingwomen, course that I'm taking as
part of my degree, and so,without further ado, let's jump
(00:44):
into it.
So what I want to talk to youabout is why, ladies, ladies,
ladies, ok, what I want to talkto you about is why you should
stop chasing external validation, and this is going to be your
guide for women who are tired ofperforming, all right.
(01:04):
So, okay, ladies, let's getinto it.
Let me begin with a question.
All right, let me begin with aquestion, and that question is
simply this who are you when noone is watching?
That's a deep question.
Who are you when no one iswatching?
Who are you when no one iswatching, not the woman who care
(01:24):
, who curates her life forothers, not the woman who plays
the role everyone expects her toplay, not the woman who's tired
but still smiling, but the youunderneath all of that.
Who are you when no one iswatching?
Because, you see, I've spokento women from every walk of life
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, from mothers to femalesoldiers, pastors, wives,
teachers, business leaders,entrepreneurs and, yes, even
young girls still figuring outtheir place in the world.
And many of them have one thingin common they're exhausted.
That's right, they're exhausted.
(02:06):
It may come as no surprise, butthey're exhausted, and not
because they're weak no, notbecause they're because they
lack drive Absolutely not butbecause they've.
They're running on the fumes ofexternal validation, and it's
not a sustainable fuel.
That's why they're tired, andthey're tired because they've
fallen into the trap, becausefrom childhood, we learned that
(02:30):
being accepted means being good,being useful, being agreeable.
That's what we teach our younggirls, that's what we teach them
growing up is that if you wantto be respectful, if you want to
be accepted, you have to begood, you have to be useful, you
have to be agreeable.
So we adapt, we perform, weshape, shift.
So to say, you become, youadapt, you perform, you shape,
(02:54):
shift, so to say.
You become the good girl, thestrong woman, the selfless, one
right.
Selfless, one right, until oneday you wake up and realize you
don't know who you are anymore.
And that's where a lot of womenfind themselves and that's what
(03:17):
motivated me to create andwrite this episode.
And, if you're being honest,especially in faith communities,
especially in our churches, weoften spiritualize our people,
pleasing tendencies.
We call it serving others,being kind or laying down our
lives.
Right.
But let's be clear.
Let's be very, very clearSaying yes out of fear isn't
(03:39):
service, it's survival, andthat's what it is.
That's what it comes down to.
It's service and survival.
Okay, and now, when you thinkabout that and when you think
about okay, paul said inGalatians 1 and 10, okay, he
(04:02):
said in Galatians 1 10 that I amnow trying to win the approval
of man or of God.
Am I now trying to win theapproval of man or of God?
If I were still trying toplease man, I would not be a
servant of Christ.
(04:22):
That's's what Paul says andthat's not a suggestion, that's
a warning.
Okay, that is a clear, that isa.
That is a clear warning to allof us.
It's a clear warning, and ifwe're not intentional about what
I'm about to show you, sharewith you next, about what I'm
(04:46):
about to show you, share withyou next, that can become our
downfall.
And so the thing that we needto do is the child, the inner
child, is still performing andthat's why we are exhausted,
that's why you are exhausted.
That inner child in you isstill performing.
See Dr Gabor Mate, and I don'tagree with all of his teaching
(05:07):
and research, but he's a traumaexpert and a physician and he
shares that.
Many of us learn to tradeauthenticity for attachment, and
when love felt conditional, weadapted in order to stay
(05:27):
connected.
Why?
Because connection felt likesurvival.
We didn't want to let go ofthat connection, so we adjusted.
And so what does that look likenow?
What that looks like now isthat you say yes even when you
mean no.
What that looks like now isthat you shrink your voice so
(05:49):
others feel comfortable.
What that looks like is thatyou wait for someone else to
affirm you before you believe itfor yourself, and you already
know it's true, but you wait tohear it from someone else.
So, in essence, you areoutsourcing your identity.
Do you hear that you areoutsourcing your identity when
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you are chasing the approval ofothers, and the longer you do
that, the harder it becomes tohear the voice of God through
the noise of other people'sopinion.
But, friend, sister, lady, theyou that God created didn't need
to perform to be loved, so shejust needed to be seen.
(06:35):
And let me say that again.
I'm going to say that again theyou that God created didn't
need to perform to be loved.
You that God created didn'tneed to perform to be loved, she
just needed to be seen.
You just needed to be seen.
And here's the danger.
The danger, remember I saidPaul gave us a warning.
Here's the danger of living forlikes over, living for legacy.
(07:00):
And when you live for externalvalidation, when you live to
please others, three thingshappen.
The first thing is that youcompromise your calling, harold.
What do you mean by that?
See, god didn't call you toplease people.
He called you to walk inpurpose, and sometimes purpose
offends people who benefit fromyour silence.
(07:21):
Oh, that was good.
I'm gonna say that one moretime.
I said God didn't call you toplease people.
He called you, yes, you, hecalled you to walk in purpose
and sometimes, when you'reobedient and your purpose.
It will offend people whobenefit from your silence.
Number two you wear a mask solong that it starts that it
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sticks and you start to believeit.
I think of the movie mass withwith Jim Carrey, and he was had
that mask on that turned himgreen and his whole personality
changed.
His whole persona changed andand and at some point he had it
on so long that he couldn't takeit off.
And that's what happens.
When we pretend to be someonethat we're not, to get the
approval and the validation ofother people, you start
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believing the role that you playis who you are and you can't be
free while pretending it'simpossible.
You cannot be free while you'restill pretending to be someone
else.
So don't do it.
Number three what happens isthat you silence the voice of
the Holy Spirit inside of you.
Is that you silence the voiceof the Holy Spirit inside of you
.
When you're constantly tunedinto other people's expectations
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and opinions, you tune out thewhisper of God, that still small
voice that's trying to lead youand guide you, because the
voice of others has becomelouder, all right, and Romans 12
, 2 reminds us by saying that donot be conformed to the pattern
of this world, but betransformed by the renewing of
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your mind.
Yet chasing validation isconformity.
At its core is editing yourselfto be accepted, and God did not
create you to do that.
He says.
Be transformed by the renewingof your mind and do not conform
to this world.
And so to do that, you have torediscover the you that God sees
(09:13):
.
God, god sees.
Breaking free from performanceand returning to your true
identity in Christ is levels tothat.
So how do you?
How do you stop performing?
How do you stop performing andstart healing?
Because if you've worn a maskso long, it has become you, it
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has become a part of you, and ittakes a healing process to get
rid of that and rediscover thatreal you.
And the answer isn't hustle,the answer isn't hiding.
It's not another self-helpchecklist or crash course in
productivity.
No, it's an invitation.
An invitation to what?
To wholeness, to presence, tothe God who sees you not the
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version that you pretend to be,but the you that he formed
before the foundations of theworld, as he says in Jeremiah
1.5.
And it starts with five deeplybiblical and research-supported
practices.
And what do I mean by that?
And so these five steps thatI'm going to give you?
(10:18):
I'm going to give you someresearch and some biblical
reference to help you out,because, at the core of who I am
, I am trauma-informed andtrained in mental health, but I
have a biblical worldview, okay,and so the first thing you need
to do is you need to askyourself who am I when I'm not
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performing?
The question that I startedwith is the first step to your
healing.
This is not a surface levelquestion either.
It's a spiritual excavation, soto say, because research from
the Institute for Study of HumanFlourishing at the University
of Oklahoma found thatself-reflection leads to
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increased life satisfaction,emotional intelligence and
resilience, but only when it isrooted in self-compassion and
curiosity.
And so if it's rooted inself-compassion and curiosity,
it cannot be rooted in judgment,because in Romans 12, 3, paul
writes that do not think ofyourself more highly than you
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ought, but rather think ofyourself with sober judgment.
So be real, reflect on who youare, but be honest and real
about it.
This isn't a call toself-loathing, no, it's an
invitation to look inward withtruth, but with grace.
So what does that look like?
Practically, all right.
So, practically, what you woulddo is you would sit in silence
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or stillness and ask the HolySpirit who have I become to
survive and who did you createme to be?
Ask yourself that and then waiton the Lord and see what he
says to your heart, to yourspirit.
You can even journal if thathelps you.
And while you're journaling, Iwant you to journal answers that
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come without overthinking.
Let your spirit speak beforefear shuts it down.
Let it do that.
And if you're still havingtrouble journaling what the what
the Lord is telling you, usesome prompts like these, some
prompts that I've offered peopleis when do I feel most alive?
When did you feel most alive?
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What am I always apologizingfor, even when I shouldn't be?
That's a good one.
Or how about this one?
What lies have I accepted tokeep the peace because I was
afraid of confrontation?
Those are all good prompts thatyou can use as you step out.
And why do I suggest that youask yourself that question?
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Because this you can't love aself.
You can't love self.
You can't love a self.
You can't love self.
You can't love a self thatyou've never met.
I'm going to say that again youcannot love a self that you've
never met.
Knowing who you are outside ofperformance is the beginning of
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your restoration.
So you have to rediscover thereal you before you start
performing for others.
Okay, before you startedperforming for others.
Who was the real you?
It may have been so long sinceyou've seen her, but we need to
bring her back, all right.
Number two you need to return toGod's narrative.
What do I mean by that?
You are not what others labeledyou as you are, not your past,
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your abuse, what others labeledyou as you are not your past,
your abuse, your accolades oreven your aesthetics.
You are not how many peopleapprove of you.
No, you are who God says youare.
Psalms 139, 14 says I praiseyou because I am fearfully and
wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful, Iknow them full well, are very
well.
And then again, in Ephesians2.10, he declares that.
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For we know we are God'smasterpiece.
We are God's masterpiece he was.
He has created us anew inChrist Jesus so that we can do
good things he planned for uslong ago.
That's what it means, becausetrauma and toxic systems trauma
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and toxic systems rewrite yournarrative to keep you small and
dependent, but the word of Godrestores your true story.
So that's why you have toreturn to God's narrative.
And what does that look likepractically?
You could start by declaringscripture over yourself out loud
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.
Speak God's truth until yourheart begins to believe it.
Yes, pray over yourself, speakover yourself.
Use the word of God Indiscipleship.
I tell people, I tell mydisciples, to memorize 1 Peter
2.9, galatians 2.20, 2Corinthians 5.17, and even
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Isaiah 43.1.
Memorize these scriptures sothat when that you who wants to
perform starts to creep up, youcan counter it with those
scriptures.
With those scriptures, and youcould even go as far as creating
a God says I am board or Godsays I am wall, and replace
every toxic label that you'vereceived with the truth from
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scripture with whatever it takesto get back to God's narrative
for your life.
Because the fact of the matteris, the enemy cannot steal what
you protect with truth.
I'm going to say that again theenemy cannot steal with you
what you protect with truth.
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Your identity in Christ isn'tsomething to discover.
No, you're not finding yourselfor discovering yourself.
No, it's something that you'rereturning to.
You've already been that.
He created it in you before youeven was birthed out of your
mother's womb.
You just lost your way as youbegan to learn to perform for
approval and attachment.
So you got to get back to whathe created you to be, get back
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to his narrative.
Number three you have to beginpracticing graceful no's,
graceful no's, becauseperforming addiction thrives in
people pleasing.
And people pleasing is notChrist-like humility, it's not.
It's fear dressed in kindness.
I tell the people all this allthe time what is people pleasing
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?
People pleasing is fear dressedin kindness.
Don't mistaken it for aChrist-like humility.
It's just fear dressed inkindness, because you're
pleasing other for fear of beingdisliked or disapproved by them
.
But Jesus, our Savior, ourShepherd, our Servant, he said
no all the time.
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He said no all the time, no allthe time when?
Give you a couple examples andLuke 5, 16,.
He says no to the crowd.
And John 6, 15, he says no topremature promotion.
He says nah, I'm not ready forthat.
And Luke 13, verses 31 through32, he said no to manipulative
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leaders.
He said nah.
And in Matthew 16, verse 23, hesaid no to his own friends.
When the mission was at stake,he was like, nah, we got to
stick to the mission.
Saying no doesn't make yourebellious.
People want to make you thinkthat when you say no, you're
being rebellious.
No, a graceful no, makes youobedient when that no protects
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your calling, your peace andyour body.
That's what saying no does.
It's obedience, because itprotects you.
So what does this look likepractically?
I love, I love to get practical.
Uh, help you, help peoplepractically.
You need to practice saying, hey, let me sleep on it and I'll
get back at you.
I'll get back with you.
I do that all the time, you,because here's what I've learned
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, here's what I learned when youdon't, we don't owe anyone an
immediate yes.
You have to just be real withthat.
You don't owe anyone animmediate yes unless in the
situation calls for it, if it'simportant, if it's a boss, if
it's an employer and they, likeI, need an answer right now.
That's why I'm paying you,that's why so.
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But when it just comes torelationships, you don't owe
anyone an immediate yes.
So use your journal to clarifywhat do I feel called to say no
to in this season, but I'vestill been afraid to do it.
Be real, like God.
What am I supposed to be sayingno to?
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But I'm too afraid to say no,because if you create a sacred
boundary that says here's what Icall a sacred boundary
statement, and a sacred boundarystatement could be something
like I honor God by honoring thespace that he gave me to rest
and discern, and for me, thatspace is to sleep on it.
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I'm going to sleep on itbecause when I rest, when I'm
resting, I can discern clearly.
When I feel rushed and hastyand have to hurry up and make a
decision, that's when I'm makingmistakes.
You know what I'm saying.
I'm doing things because I feelpressured to, because
boundaries are not about keepingpeople out.
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No, they're about keeping youwhole, and I have and I've, I
love sharing that with people.
Your boundaries is not to keeppeople out, it's to keep you
whole, because every no that yousay in obedience creates space
for a more powerful yes.
Remember that Every no that yousay creates space for more
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powerful yes, all right.
And so here's here's here'snumber four.
We have five.
Here's number four Heal yourinner child with compassion.
Heal your inner child withcompassion Remember I said that
that that that inner child inyou is still performing, because
performance isn't just a habit,it's a survival mechanism and
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the mechanism that we oftenlearned in childhood.
The child in you who learned toearn love, the child in you who
learned to silence her voice.
She's not in rebellion.
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She's wounded.
And because she's wounded wehave to heal the inner child
with compassion.
Dr Kurt Thompson, who's aChristian psychiatrist and
author of the book the Soul ofShame and he explains that shame
often originates in earlyrelationships and persist when
left unspoken.
He says that.
In fact, in his book he says weall come into the world looking
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for someone.
I'm sorry, let me get thatright.
We all come into the worldlooking for someone, looking for
us.
That's what I mean.
We come into the world lookingfor someone looking for us.
That's what I mean.
We come into the world lookingfor someone who is looking for
us and we remain in that searchfor the rest of our lives.
Man, that's powerful.
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Jesus said that he's stilllooking for you, the whole you,
even the parts that you'vedisowned.
He's looking for you.
And how does that lookpractically?
How do you heal your innerchild with compassion
practically?
Here's just a few steps thatyou can start with.
You can look at childhoodphotos of yourself and then say
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to that child version of you youwere always loved and you were
always seen.
Version of you, you were alwaysloved and you were always seen.
I've been praying for peopleand the Holy Spirit just
whispers and says tell them thatthey were always loved and they
were always seen, and it justdoes something to minister to
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that inner child inside of you.
Another thing that you can dois you can write a letter to
your younger self from theperspective of God's heart.
You think about it, the letteris addressed to the younger self
, and then you allow God to pinthat letter through you of what
he felt.
And it's therapeutic because asyou're writing to your younger
self, you're also living outthat healing, and so the best
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way to do that that I've seenand found is to invite Jesus
into your childhood memoriesthrough prayer.
Simply ask God where are you inthis situation?
And then wait, I've done thismyself.
When I was going through myhealing journey and I learned
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this technique, I remember I hada memory of my mom and my
brother and I getting evictedout of the Harrison Home
Projects in Peoria, illinois,and that was a very difficult
memory for me and I had to askto get healing in that area
because from that moment on Ihad to mature and to perform, to
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not be or feel rejected orabandoned or anything like that.
And so I asked the Lord whatwas you in that situation?
Because that hurt, that scarredme, that changed the trajectory
of my childhood.
And as I asked the Lord thatand I waited I sensed in my
spirit.
The Lord said in that memory,and I'm there, it's vivid, I'm
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picturing it.
And the Holy Spirit says look atyour mother.
And I look at my mom.
And I never paid my mom anyattention.
And every time I relive thismemory because it was my memory.
I focused on how I was feeling,how I was acting, how I was
responding.
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But then the Holy Spirit saidlook at your mother.
And I looked at my mom andthere was a resolve on her face,
because I never remember my momcrying in that moment.
She may have cried many tearsafterwards, but in that moment
there was a silent strength inher.
And the Holy Spirit whisperedto me and says I was giving your
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mother strength and power tospeak life into her sons and to
take the next step to get youall out of that situation.
And I'm like whoa, I'mself-centered, right, I'm
thinking about myself, I'm notthinking about my mom and my
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brother.
And this memory.
He says look at your mom, I wasthere, I was helping her, I was
preparing her.
I was giving her wisdom andinsight.
The words that she says stuckto you because I remember my mom
told me I love you and Godloves you and nobody can take
that away from us.
And I was like yo, okay, and inmy adult self I'm thinking of
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Isaiah 61, one that says he hassent me to bind up the
brokenhearted, to proclaimfreedom for the captive and to
release the prisoners fromdarkness.
That's what I'm thinking of now.
That's where he was at in thatsituation.
It may be different for you,but ask him, lord, where was you
at in this situation?
Where was you at in this memory?
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And you'd be surprised what hesays and that will create
momentum and movement towardsyour healing journey.
So why is it important that youheal your inner child?
Because healing your innerchild isn't indulgent, it's holy
, because every unhealed part ofyou, it still affects how you
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relate to God and other people.
It still, it still has remnantsof that.
So you have to heal that innerchild.
Okay, and all right, we, we, we.
Finally, to number five, andnumber five is a is a simple one
You've probably heard it before, but it's so, so good.
And number five is you have todisconnect to reconnect.
All right, you have todisconnect to reconnect.
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You know, we were not as people, as humans.
We were not created to beaccessible 24 seven, as some
person put it.
We're not created to always beon or always feel like we have
to be on.
We were not made to live forlikes, followers or curated
performance.
No, you were made for communion, our fellowship, our community
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with God and others.
And digital overstimulationfractures our nervous systems,
it dulls your discernment and itamplifies insecurity.
So you have to learn thatsilence is not empty.
It's sacred because Jesusregularly withdrew himself from
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the crowd to connect with hisfather.
You could read about it in Luke5, verse 16, when he went off
to be alone with the father, hepracticed divine detachment so
that he could reenter hismission from a place of clarity
and intimacy.
All right, so what does thatlook like for you?
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My suggestion for you is to juststart by creating a 24 or
scheduling a 24 hour digitalSabbath where you have no social
media, no content, nonotifications.
You just detach from it all,and that you let just your body,
your mind, your emotions.
Let it rest from beingoverstimulated from all the
media outlets.
Emotions let it rest from beingoverstimulated from all the
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media outlets.
And then, if you're a Christian, you need a morning devotion
time before the world speaks toyou.
You got to let God speak to youfirst, and so that's something
that's a necessity in your life.
And then, finally, oftentimesit's good if you replace
scrolling with silence.
When you're tempted to scroll,just sit in silence and listen
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and see what the Lord would haveto say, or just take a deep
breath and take a break.
Man, you've been on all daynonstop.
Let it go for a little bit,because you cannot rediscover
who you are if you're constantlyabsorbing who everyone else
says you should be.
Solitude isn't a withdrawal.
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It's a return to the gardenwhere God walked with you in the
cool of the day.
It's not a withdrawal, it's areturn, because rediscovering
the you that God sees, it's nota rebrand, it's not self-help,
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it's not a weekendtransformation or whatever.
No, it's a return, a return toEden, to identity, to the image
of God that was never destroyed.
It was just buried undersurvival and shame and striving.
So stop performing and startreturning.
All right, because let the maskfall, let the voice of the
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crowd fade, let God name youagain.
In Mark, chapter 1, verse 11,speak this over yourself.
You are my daughter, whom Ilove With you, I am well pleased
.
He said he was speaking to God.
He says you are my son, whom I,whom I love with you.
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I am well pleased.
But take, take that and speakit over yourself.
You are his daughter.
He was speaking to jesus sayingyou are my son, but you say it
over yourself Because he saidthat before you were, before you
did anything, before jesus didanything, the lord said that to
him and he still says it now.
You're loved, you're chosen.
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Before Jesus did anything, theLord said that to him and he
still says it now.
You're loved, you're chosen andyou're enough because he is All
right.
So take it from someone whoknows All right, I'm a husband,
I'm a father, I'm a chaplain inthe army, I'm a fifth grade
teacher, a marriage and familypastoral counselor.
And I'll be real with you.
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As you already heard, I'vewrestled with the fear of
disappointing others, but theday that I decided to stop
performing, the day that I chosepresence over performance,
that's the day that I began towalk in peace.
That's the day that I began towalk in my authentic self.
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It's not about becoming someonenew.
No, you're not brand new,you're not someone new.
It's about returning to who youwere before.
Fear told you to hide.
Your fear told you to hide.
So here's my plea to you Stopchasing validation from people
who didn't die for you.
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Only Jesus did that.
Only Jesus died for you.
And on that cross he didn't saytry harder, no, he said it is
finished.
So let that be enough for youtoday.
It is finished.
Be you.
Be you, boo boo.
And if you know someone who'swho's tired of performing to for
(31:45):
this podcast tool, it might.
It's a shameless plug, I know,but it might be the reminder
that they're praying forno-transcript.
What's going on.
So this, these next twoepisodes, are going to be
special episodes.
All right, they are episodesthat I wrote and recorded in
March, but life was life and Ididn't get able to, didn't get a
chance to put them out.
So you might be listening tothis in April or you might be
listening to this some othertime, but these next two
(00:21):
episodes are specifically forwomen, in honor of Women's
History Month, but they're alsofor men, to understand women too
.
So a lot of this material Ipulled from some coursework that
I was doing and counselingwomen, course that I'm taking as
part of my degree, and so,without further ado, let's jump
(00:44):
into it.
So what I want to talk to youabout is why, ladies, ladies,
ladies, ok, what I want to talkto you about is why you should
stop chasing external validation, and this is going to be your
guide for women who are tired ofperforming, all right.
(01:04):
So, okay, ladies, let's getinto it.
Let me begin with a question.
All right, let me begin with aquestion, and that question is
simply this who are you when noone is watching?
That's a deep question.
Who are you when no one iswatching?
Who are you when no one iswatching, not the woman who care
(01:24):
, who curates her life forothers, not the woman who plays
the role everyone expects her toplay, not the woman who's tired
but still smiling, but the youunderneath all of that.
Who are you when no one iswatching?
Because, you see, I've spokento women from every walk of life
(01:46):
, from mothers to femalesoldiers, pastors, wives,
teachers, business leaders,entrepreneurs and, yes, even
young girls still figuring outtheir place in the world.
And many of them have one thingin common they're exhausted.
That's right, they're exhausted.
(02:06):
It may come as no surprise, butthey're exhausted, and not
because they're weak no, notbecause they're because they
lack drive Absolutely not butbecause they've.
They're running on the fumes ofexternal validation, and it's
not a sustainable fuel.
That's why they're tired, andthey're tired because they've
fallen into the trap, becausefrom childhood, we learned that
(02:30):
being accepted means being good,being useful, being agreeable.
That's what we teach our younggirls, that's what we teach them
growing up is that if you wantto be respectful, if you want to
be accepted, you have to begood, you have to be useful, you
have to be agreeable.
So we adapt, we perform, weshape, shift.
So to say, you become, youadapt, you perform, you shape,
(02:54):
shift, so to say.
You become the good girl, thestrong woman, the selfless, one
right.
Selfless, one right, until oneday you wake up and realize you
don't know who you are anymore.
And that's where a lot of womenfind themselves and that's what
(03:17):
motivated me to create andwrite this episode.
And, if you're being honest,especially in faith communities,
especially in our churches, weoften spiritualize our people,
pleasing tendencies.
We call it serving others,being kind or laying down our
lives.
Right.
But let's be clear.
Let's be very, very clearSaying yes out of fear isn't
(03:39):
service, it's survival, andthat's what it is.
That's what it comes down to.
It's service and survival.
Okay, and now, when you thinkabout that and when you think
about okay, paul said inGalatians 1 and 10, okay, he
(04:02):
said in Galatians 1 10 that I amnow trying to win the approval
of man or of God.
Am I now trying to win theapproval of man or of God?
If I were still trying toplease man, I would not be a
servant of Christ.
(04:22):
That's's what Paul says andthat's not a suggestion, that's
a warning.
Okay, that is a clear, that isa.
That is a clear warning to allof us.
It's a clear warning, and ifwe're not intentional about what
I'm about to show you, sharewith you next, about what I'm
(04:46):
about to show you, share withyou next, that can become our
downfall.
And so the thing that we needto do is the child, the inner
child, is still performing andthat's why we are exhausted,
that's why you are exhausted.
That inner child in you isstill performing.
See Dr Gabor Mate, and I don'tagree with all of his teaching
(05:07):
and research, but he's a traumaexpert and a physician and he
shares that.
Many of us learn to tradeauthenticity for attachment, and
when love felt conditional, weadapted in order to stay
(05:27):
connected.
Why?
Because connection felt likesurvival.
We didn't want to let go ofthat connection, so we adjusted.
And so what does that look likenow?
What that looks like now isthat you say yes even when you
mean no.
What that looks like now isthat you shrink your voice so
(05:49):
others feel comfortable.
What that looks like is thatyou wait for someone else to
affirm you before you believe itfor yourself, and you already
know it's true, but you wait tohear it from someone else.
So, in essence, you areoutsourcing your identity.
Do you hear that you areoutsourcing your identity when
(06:09):
you are chasing the approval ofothers, and the longer you do
that, the harder it becomes tohear the voice of God through
the noise of other people'sopinion.
But, friend, sister, lady, theyou that God created didn't need
to perform to be loved, so shejust needed to be seen.
(06:35):
And let me say that again.
I'm going to say that again theyou that God created didn't
need to perform to be loved.
You that God created didn'tneed to perform to be loved, she
just needed to be seen.
You just needed to be seen.
And here's the danger.
The danger, remember I saidPaul gave us a warning.
Here's the danger of living forlikes over, living for legacy.
(07:00):
And when you live for externalvalidation, when you live to
please others, three thingshappen.
The first thing is that youcompromise your calling, harold.
What do you mean by that?
See, god didn't call you toplease people.
He called you to walk inpurpose, and sometimes purpose
offends people who benefit fromyour silence.
(07:21):
Oh, that was good.
I'm gonna say that one moretime.
I said God didn't call you toplease people.
He called you, yes, you, hecalled you to walk in purpose
and sometimes, when you'reobedient and your purpose.
It will offend people whobenefit from your silence.
Number two you wear a mask solong that it starts that it
(07:43):
sticks and you start to believeit.
I think of the movie mass withwith Jim Carrey, and he was had
that mask on that turned himgreen and his whole personality
changed.
His whole persona changed andand and at some point he had it
on so long that he couldn't takeit off.
And that's what happens.
When we pretend to be someonethat we're not, to get the
approval and the validation ofother people, you start
(08:05):
believing the role that you playis who you are and you can't be
free while pretending it'simpossible.
You cannot be free while you'restill pretending to be someone
else.
So don't do it.
Number three what happens isthat you silence the voice of
the Holy Spirit inside of you.
Is that you silence the voiceof the Holy Spirit inside of you
.
When you're constantly tunedinto other people's expectations
(08:28):
and opinions, you tune out thewhisper of God, that still small
voice that's trying to lead youand guide you, because the
voice of others has becomelouder, all right, and Romans 12
, 2 reminds us by saying that donot be conformed to the pattern
of this world, but betransformed by the renewing of
(08:51):
your mind.
Yet chasing validation isconformity.
At its core is editing yourselfto be accepted, and God did not
create you to do that.
He says.
Be transformed by the renewingof your mind and do not conform
to this world.
And so to do that, you have torediscover the you that God sees
(09:13):
.
God, god sees.
Breaking free from performanceand returning to your true
identity in Christ is levels tothat.
So how do you?
How do you stop performing?
How do you stop performing andstart healing?
Because if you've worn a maskso long, it has become you, it
(09:35):
has become a part of you, and ittakes a healing process to get
rid of that and rediscover thatreal you.
And the answer isn't hustle,the answer isn't hiding.
It's not another self-helpchecklist or crash course in
productivity.
No, it's an invitation.
An invitation to what?
To wholeness, to presence, tothe God who sees you not the
(09:58):
version that you pretend to be,but the you that he formed
before the foundations of theworld, as he says in Jeremiah
1.5.
And it starts with five deeplybiblical and research-supported
practices.
And what do I mean by that?
And so these five steps thatI'm going to give you?
(10:18):
I'm going to give you someresearch and some biblical
reference to help you out,because, at the core of who I am
, I am trauma-informed andtrained in mental health, but I
have a biblical worldview, okay,and so the first thing you need
to do is you need to askyourself who am I when I'm not
(10:41):
performing?
The question that I startedwith is the first step to your
healing.
This is not a surface levelquestion either.
It's a spiritual excavation, soto say, because research from
the Institute for Study of HumanFlourishing at the University
of Oklahoma found thatself-reflection leads to
(11:03):
increased life satisfaction,emotional intelligence and
resilience, but only when it isrooted in self-compassion and
curiosity.
And so if it's rooted inself-compassion and curiosity,
it cannot be rooted in judgment,because in Romans 12, 3, paul
writes that do not think ofyourself more highly than you
(11:28):
ought, but rather think ofyourself with sober judgment.
So be real, reflect on who youare, but be honest and real
about it.
This isn't a call toself-loathing, no, it's an
invitation to look inward withtruth, but with grace.
So what does that look like?
Practically, all right.
So, practically, what you woulddo is you would sit in silence
(11:52):
or stillness and ask the HolySpirit who have I become to
survive and who did you createme to be?
Ask yourself that and then waiton the Lord and see what he
says to your heart, to yourspirit.
You can even journal if thathelps you.
And while you're journaling, Iwant you to journal answers that
(12:14):
come without overthinking.
Let your spirit speak beforefear shuts it down.
Let it do that.
And if you're still havingtrouble journaling what the what
the Lord is telling you, usesome prompts like these, some
prompts that I've offered peopleis when do I feel most alive?
When did you feel most alive?
(12:34):
What am I always apologizingfor, even when I shouldn't be?
That's a good one.
Or how about this one?
What lies have I accepted tokeep the peace because I was
afraid of confrontation?
Those are all good prompts thatyou can use as you step out.
And why do I suggest that youask yourself that question?
(12:57):
Because this you can't love aself.
You can't love self.
You can't love a self.
You can't love self.
You can't love a self thatyou've never met.
I'm going to say that again youcannot love a self that you've
never met.
Knowing who you are outside ofperformance is the beginning of
(13:19):
your restoration.
So you have to rediscover thereal you before you start
performing for others.
Okay, before you startedperforming for others.
Who was the real you?
It may have been so long sinceyou've seen her, but we need to
bring her back, all right.
Number two you need to return toGod's narrative.
What do I mean by that?
You are not what others labeledyou as you are, not your past,
(13:43):
your abuse, what others labeledyou as you are not your past,
your abuse, your accolades oreven your aesthetics.
You are not how many peopleapprove of you.
No, you are who God says youare.
Psalms 139, 14 says I praiseyou because I am fearfully and
wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful, Iknow them full well, are very
well.
And then again, in Ephesians2.10, he declares that.
(14:06):
For we know we are God'smasterpiece.
We are God's masterpiece he was.
He has created us anew inChrist Jesus so that we can do
good things he planned for uslong ago.
That's what it means, becausetrauma and toxic systems trauma
(14:30):
and toxic systems rewrite yournarrative to keep you small and
dependent, but the word of Godrestores your true story.
So that's why you have toreturn to God's narrative.
And what does that look likepractically?
You could start by declaringscripture over yourself out loud
(14:50):
.
Speak God's truth until yourheart begins to believe it.
Yes, pray over yourself, speakover yourself.
Use the word of God Indiscipleship.
I tell people, I tell mydisciples, to memorize 1 Peter
2.9, galatians 2.20, 2Corinthians 5.17, and even
(15:11):
Isaiah 43.1.
Memorize these scriptures sothat when that you who wants to
perform starts to creep up, youcan counter it with those
scriptures.
With those scriptures, and youcould even go as far as creating
a God says I am board or Godsays I am wall, and replace
every toxic label that you'vereceived with the truth from
(15:31):
scripture with whatever it takesto get back to God's narrative
for your life.
Because the fact of the matteris, the enemy cannot steal what
you protect with truth.
I'm going to say that again theenemy cannot steal with you
what you protect with truth.
(15:52):
Your identity in Christ isn'tsomething to discover.
No, you're not finding yourselfor discovering yourself.
No, it's something that you'rereturning to.
You've already been that.
He created it in you before youeven was birthed out of your
mother's womb.
You just lost your way as youbegan to learn to perform for
approval and attachment.
So you got to get back to whathe created you to be, get back
(16:16):
to his narrative.
Number three you have to beginpracticing graceful no's,
graceful no's, becauseperforming addiction thrives in
people pleasing.
And people pleasing is notChrist-like humility, it's not.
It's fear dressed in kindness.
I tell the people all this allthe time what is people pleasing
(16:38):
?
People pleasing is fear dressedin kindness.
Don't mistaken it for aChrist-like humility.
It's just fear dressed inkindness, because you're
pleasing other for fear of beingdisliked or disapproved by them
.
But Jesus, our Savior, ourShepherd, our Servant, he said
no all the time.
(16:59):
He said no all the time, no allthe time when?
Give you a couple examples andLuke 5, 16,.
He says no to the crowd.
And John 6, 15, he says no topremature promotion.
He says nah, I'm not ready forthat.
And Luke 13, verses 31 through32, he said no to manipulative
(17:24):
leaders.
He said nah.
And in Matthew 16, verse 23, hesaid no to his own friends.
When the mission was at stake,he was like, nah, we got to
stick to the mission.
Saying no doesn't make yourebellious.
People want to make you thinkthat when you say no, you're
being rebellious.
No, a graceful no, makes youobedient when that no protects
(17:45):
your calling, your peace andyour body.
That's what saying no does.
It's obedience, because itprotects you.
So what does this look likepractically?
I love, I love to get practical.
Uh, help you, help peoplepractically.
You need to practice saying, hey, let me sleep on it and I'll
get back at you.
I'll get back with you.
I do that all the time, you,because here's what I've learned
(18:08):
, here's what I learned when youdon't, we don't owe anyone an
immediate yes.
You have to just be real withthat.
You don't owe anyone animmediate yes unless in the
situation calls for it, if it'simportant, if it's a boss, if
it's an employer and they, likeI, need an answer right now.
That's why I'm paying you,that's why so.
(18:28):
But when it just comes torelationships, you don't owe
anyone an immediate yes.
So use your journal to clarifywhat do I feel called to say no
to in this season, but I'vestill been afraid to do it.
Be real, like God.
What am I supposed to be sayingno to?
(18:50):
But I'm too afraid to say no,because if you create a sacred
boundary that says here's what Icall a sacred boundary
statement, and a sacred boundarystatement could be something
like I honor God by honoring thespace that he gave me to rest
and discern, and for me, thatspace is to sleep on it.
(19:14):
I'm going to sleep on itbecause when I rest, when I'm
resting, I can discern clearly.
When I feel rushed and hastyand have to hurry up and make a
decision, that's when I'm makingmistakes.
You know what I'm saying.
I'm doing things because I feelpressured to, because
boundaries are not about keepingpeople out.
(19:35):
No, they're about keeping youwhole, and I have and I've, I
love sharing that with people.
Your boundaries is not to keeppeople out, it's to keep you
whole, because every no that yousay in obedience creates space
for a more powerful yes.
Remember that Every no that yousay creates space for more
(19:59):
powerful yes, all right.
And so here's here's here'snumber four.
We have five.
Here's number four Heal yourinner child with compassion.
Heal your inner child withcompassion Remember I said that
that that that inner child inyou is still performing, because
performance isn't just a habit,it's a survival mechanism and
(20:28):
the mechanism that we oftenlearned in childhood.
The child in you who learned toearn love, the child in you who
learned to silence her voice.
She's not in rebellion.
(20:49):
She's wounded.
And because she's wounded wehave to heal the inner child
with compassion.
Dr Kurt Thompson, who's aChristian psychiatrist and
author of the book the Soul ofShame and he explains that shame
often originates in earlyrelationships and persist when
left unspoken.
He says that.
In fact, in his book he says weall come into the world looking
(21:15):
for someone.
I'm sorry, let me get thatright.
We all come into the worldlooking for someone, looking for
us.
That's what I mean.
We come into the world lookingfor someone looking for us.
That's what I mean.
We come into the world lookingfor someone who is looking for
us and we remain in that searchfor the rest of our lives.
Man, that's powerful.
(21:36):
Jesus said that he's stilllooking for you, the whole you,
even the parts that you'vedisowned.
He's looking for you.
And how does that lookpractically?
How do you heal your innerchild with compassion
practically?
Here's just a few steps thatyou can start with.
You can look at childhoodphotos of yourself and then say
(21:57):
to that child version of you youwere always loved and you were
always seen.
Version of you, you were alwaysloved and you were always seen.
I've been praying for peopleand the Holy Spirit just
whispers and says tell them thatthey were always loved and they
were always seen, and it justdoes something to minister to
(22:18):
that inner child inside of you.
Another thing that you can dois you can write a letter to
your younger self from theperspective of God's heart.
You think about it, the letteris addressed to the younger self
, and then you allow God to pinthat letter through you of what
he felt.
And it's therapeutic because asyou're writing to your younger
self, you're also living outthat healing, and so the best
(22:42):
way to do that that I've seenand found is to invite Jesus
into your childhood memoriesthrough prayer.
Simply ask God where are you inthis situation?
And then wait, I've done thismyself.
When I was going through myhealing journey and I learned
(23:03):
this technique, I remember I hada memory of my mom and my
brother and I getting evictedout of the Harrison Home
Projects in Peoria, illinois,and that was a very difficult
memory for me and I had to askto get healing in that area
because from that moment on Ihad to mature and to perform, to
(23:28):
not be or feel rejected orabandoned or anything like that.
And so I asked the Lord whatwas you in that situation?
Because that hurt, that scarredme, that changed the trajectory
of my childhood.
And as I asked the Lord thatand I waited I sensed in my
spirit.
The Lord said in that memory,and I'm there, it's vivid, I'm
(23:51):
picturing it.
And the Holy Spirit says look atyour mother.
And I look at my mom.
And I never paid my mom anyattention.
And every time I relive thismemory because it was my memory.
I focused on how I was feeling,how I was acting, how I was
responding.
(24:11):
But then the Holy Spirit saidlook at your mother.
And I looked at my mom andthere was a resolve on her face,
because I never remember my momcrying in that moment.
She may have cried many tearsafterwards, but in that moment
there was a silent strength inher.
And the Holy Spirit whisperedto me and says I was giving your
(24:35):
mother strength and power tospeak life into her sons and to
take the next step to get youall out of that situation.
And I'm like whoa, I'mself-centered, right, I'm
thinking about myself, I'm notthinking about my mom and my
(24:57):
brother.
And this memory.
He says look at your mom, I wasthere, I was helping her, I was
preparing her.
I was giving her wisdom andinsight.
The words that she says stuckto you because I remember my mom
told me I love you and Godloves you and nobody can take
that away from us.
And I was like yo, okay, and inmy adult self I'm thinking of
(25:21):
Isaiah 61, one that says he hassent me to bind up the
brokenhearted, to proclaimfreedom for the captive and to
release the prisoners fromdarkness.
That's what I'm thinking of now.
That's where he was at in thatsituation.
It may be different for you,but ask him, lord, where was you
at in this situation?
Where was you at in this memory?
(25:41):
And you'd be surprised what hesays and that will create
momentum and movement towardsyour healing journey.
So why is it important that youheal your inner child?
Because healing your innerchild isn't indulgent, it's holy
, because every unhealed part ofyou, it still affects how you
(26:02):
relate to God and other people.
It still, it still has remnantsof that.
So you have to heal that innerchild.
Okay, and all right, we, we, we.
Finally, to number five, andnumber five is a is a simple one
You've probably heard it before, but it's so, so good.
And number five is you have todisconnect to reconnect.
All right, you have todisconnect to reconnect.
(26:25):
You know, we were not as people, as humans.
We were not created to beaccessible 24 seven, as some
person put it.
We're not created to always beon or always feel like we have
to be on.
We were not made to live forlikes, followers or curated
performance.
No, you were made for communion, our fellowship, our community
(26:52):
with God and others.
And digital overstimulationfractures our nervous systems,
it dulls your discernment and itamplifies insecurity.
So you have to learn thatsilence is not empty.
It's sacred because Jesusregularly withdrew himself from
(27:15):
the crowd to connect with hisfather.
You could read about it in Luke5, verse 16, when he went off
to be alone with the father, hepracticed divine detachment so
that he could reenter hismission from a place of clarity
and intimacy.
All right, so what does thatlook like for you?
(27:37):
My suggestion for you is to juststart by creating a 24 or
scheduling a 24 hour digitalSabbath where you have no social
media, no content, nonotifications.
You just detach from it all,and that you let just your body,
your mind, your emotions.
Let it rest from beingoverstimulated from all the
media outlets.
Emotions let it rest from beingoverstimulated from all the
(28:03):
media outlets.
And then, if you're a Christian, you need a morning devotion
time before the world speaks toyou.
You got to let God speak to youfirst, and so that's something
that's a necessity in your life.
And then, finally, oftentimesit's good if you replace
scrolling with silence.
When you're tempted to scroll,just sit in silence and listen
(28:26):
and see what the Lord would haveto say, or just take a deep
breath and take a break.
Man, you've been on all daynonstop.
Let it go for a little bit,because you cannot rediscover
who you are if you're constantlyabsorbing who everyone else
says you should be.
Solitude isn't a withdrawal.
(28:50):
It's a return to the gardenwhere God walked with you in the
cool of the day.
It's not a withdrawal, it's areturn, because rediscovering
the you that God sees, it's nota rebrand, it's not self-help,
(29:10):
it's not a weekendtransformation or whatever.
No, it's a return, a return toEden, to identity, to the image
of God that was never destroyed.
It was just buried undersurvival and shame and striving.
So stop performing and startreturning.
All right, because let the maskfall, let the voice of the
(29:38):
crowd fade, let God name youagain.
In Mark, chapter 1, verse 11,speak this over yourself.
You are my daughter, whom Ilove With you, I am well pleased
.
He said he was speaking to God.
He says you are my son, whom I,whom I love with you.
(29:59):
I am well pleased.
But take, take that and speakit over yourself.
You are his daughter.
He was speaking to jesus sayingyou are my son, but you say it
over yourself Because he saidthat before you were, before you
did anything, before jesus didanything, the lord said that to
him and he still says it now.
You're loved, you're chosen.
(30:20):
Before Jesus did anything, theLord said that to him and he
still says it now.
You're loved, you're chosen andyou're enough because he is All
right.
So take it from someone whoknows All right, I'm a husband,
I'm a father, I'm a chaplain inthe army, I'm a fifth grade
teacher, a marriage and familypastoral counselor.
And I'll be real with you.
(30:40):
As you already heard, I'vewrestled with the fear of
disappointing others, but theday that I decided to stop
performing, the day that I chosepresence over performance,
that's the day that I began towalk in peace.
That's the day that I began towalk in my authentic self.
(31:02):
It's not about becoming someonenew.
No, you're not brand new,you're not someone new.
It's about returning to who youwere before.
Fear told you to hide.
Your fear told you to hide.
So here's my plea to you Stopchasing validation from people
who didn't die for you.
(31:23):
Only Jesus did that.
Only Jesus died for you.
And on that cross he didn't saytry harder, no, he said it is
finished.
So let that be enough for youtoday.
It is finished.
Be you.
Be you, boo boo.
And if you know someone who'swho's tired of performing to for
(31:45):
this podcast tool, it might.
It's a shameless plug, I know,but it might be the reminder
that they're praying forno-transcript.
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Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.