March 31, 2025 • 39 mins
The moment a woman begins sharing the specific details of her abuse or trauma—not just abstract feelings, but vivid sensory memories, exact phrases her abuser used, or the particular scriptures weaponized against her—something powerful happens. For every woman listening who's experienced similar trauma, these details become the first crack in the trance that has kept her captive.
Drawing from neuroscience research, pastoral counseling experience, and scriptural insights, this episode explores why healing comes through the specificity of our stories. When trauma lodges in our bodies and distorts our perception, it's not enough to understand abuse intellectually—we need to identify with others who've walked similar paths and found freedom.
Trauma doesn't just destroy safety; it convinces victims that wrong is right, that abuse is love, that silence is holiness, and—most destructively—that they themselves are the problem. This distortion becomes particularly dangerous in religious contexts where scripture becomes twisted into a tool of control. Many survivors had an initial sense that something was wrong but were systematically trained to ignore their own discernment.
The pathway toward healing includes three foundational steps: journaling your story with complete honesty and detail, naming the specific lies taught in God's name, and finding safe community where your truth can be witnessed and validated. Through these practices, survivors can reclaim not just their voices but their relationship with God and themselves.
Your detailed testimony isn't just therapy—it's a flashlight illuminating someone else's darkness. Every vivid memory you bring to light becomes an invitation for another woman to realize she's not crazy and she's not alone. Your healing journey isn't just personal restoration; it's an act of sacred resistance against systems of oppression that thrive when pain is spiritualized and silence is moralized.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
All right, I am super excited about this one.
Y'all.
I'm super excited about thisepisode.
And this episode I'm going tojust jump right into it because
it's some meat.
I'm telling you right now it'ssome meat and I've gone with the
title Healing is in the Details.
Healing is in the Details andit's going to be talking about
how specifics of a story canbreak chains and set captives
(00:24):
free.
I was listening to a podcast andit was about abuse and
surviving abuse and the ladysaid she was at a conference and
another abuse survivor wassharing her story and she was
recounting it in detail andshowing and sharing how it
(00:50):
happened and how she fell intoit and how she got stuck in the
cycle of it and how she brokefree and why the scales was
lifted.
And she was sharing that.
As the lady shared details, itawakened something in her to
allow her to get free too.
And now she was telling herstory and I was like, wow,
(01:13):
healing is in the details.
And so I just wrote a wholepodcast about it.
And this episode is also for myladies.
I wrote a paper for my classCounseling Women, also for my
ladies.
I wrote a paper for my classCounseling Women and it was
talking, and my paper was on thesubject of intimate betrayal
trauma intimate betrayal traumaand I wanted to do something
(01:37):
along those lines, and so I tooksome information from that and
I got some more stuff coming foryou, and so this is another
episode in honor of Women'sHistory Month in March, even
though I'm posting it well afterthat.
But hey, I love to support andto minister to and to see women
of God grow tremendously, andeven if you're not a woman of
(01:59):
the Christian faith, you stilldeserve freedom and growth and
healing, right and so.
And do the work podcast man.
We want to help everybody youknow as, and growth and healing,
right and so.
And Do the Work podcast man.
We want to help everybody youknow.
As a marriage and familycounselor, I want to help
everybody too.
Right?
So, sister, listen, listen,sisters, ladies, let's get
started.
Let's jump into this Now.
(02:19):
There's a moment that I oftenwitness in my work as a marriage
and family pastoral counselor,and whether I'm sitting across
from a brave woman sharing herstory for the first time with my
(02:41):
wife and I, or if we'recounseling a weary soul in
ministry, or listening even as ateacher, if I'm listening to a
fifth grader or if I'm, as ayouth pastor, listening my wife
and I listening to a young ladyconfess something, with shaking
hands, the moment her voicestarts to tremble, but she keeps
(03:07):
going, she keeps going and thenshe says something specific,
not general, not abstract, notChristianized version of her
truth, but a detail, a sentence,a smell, a sound, a phrase he
said, a scripture that he used.
The way her stomach droppedwhen she heard keys in the door,
(03:31):
the shame that she felt everytime she was told that she
wasn't honoring God by settingboundaries.
And it's in that detail thatthe breakthrough happens.
And that breakthrough happensnot just for her but for every
(03:51):
other woman listening.
I've been in conferences and alady sharing her testimony, and
I'm looking around and I seethese women just weeping as
they're getting their healingand their breakthrough by
hearing hers, even the onesstill living in it.
It's true.
And so there's power in aspecific story and a detailed
(04:18):
story Right.
And so, in that, in that power,neuroscience tells us something
very powerful about, aboutstories Right.
And what it tells us is that,when you look up, when you look
(04:39):
at the, the, the neuroscience of, of details, right,
neuroscience of details right.
Neuroscience of stories right.
What it tells us is that wedon't heal from what we
understand.
We don't heal from what weunderstand, we heal from what we
(05:00):
identify with.
And according to Dr BissellVandervoog and he's the author
of a and I probably butcheredhis name, but he's the author of
a very popular book that Irecommend to everyone and it's
the Body Keeps the Score or theBody Keeps Score, but I'm pretty
sure it's the Body Keeps theScore and it's about in that
(05:25):
book he tells us that traumalodges itself in the body and in
the brain.
And what it does?
It distorts perception andmemory story that mirrors their
own.
The brain lights up like,literally, there's synapses in
(05:47):
the brain that's going offbecause it identifies with that
story.
Specifics, sensory, emotional,rich details activate the parts
of the brain that are associatedwith memory and empathy and the
listener's brain recognizesitself in the narrative and it
feels seen, it feels known, itfeels validated and breakthrough
(06:11):
begins to happen.
And that is the first crack inthe trance.
The first crack because here'sthe truth about trauma.
Here's the truth.
Trauma doesn't just destroy yoursafety, it distorts your
reality.
It doesn't just destroy yoursafety, it distorts your reality
(06:31):
and it convinces you that wrongis right, that abuse is love,
that silence is holiness, thatboundaries are rebellion and
that submission means becominginvisible.
Ladies, I'm talking to you and,worst of all, it convinces you
that you're the problem.
(06:52):
That's what trauma does.
It convinces you that you'rethe problem.
It distorts everything and thenconvinces you that you're the
problem, and especially whenScripture is weaponized, that's
one of the big ones.
So, because there's so manywomen, I was talking to someone
(07:13):
recently about a situation of afriend of hers.
That was that was going throughsomething and scripture was
weaponized against her and nowshe's no longer walking with the
Lord.
And I was so grieved because somany women that my wife and I
counsel didn't start outconfused.
They didn't.
They had a sense deep in theirgut Yo yo, something's off, this
(07:37):
ain't right.
Their spirit was whispering tothem.
This isn't what God meant, butthey were trained to ignore that
voice.
Instead, they were taughtthings like turn the other cheek
, wives.
Submit to your husbands as aweapon to control rather than a
(07:58):
call to a mutual love.
Turn the other cheek as areason to allow evil rather than
resist it.
Here's a good one, and good, asin this, is often misused and
misrepresented and weaponizedagainst women and men alike.
(08:18):
That love covers a multitude ofsins.
That's in 1 Peter 4.8.
Love covers a multitude of sins.
That's in 1 Peter 4, 8.
Because they want to give you,they want to weaponize that as a
reason to keep enduring abuse.
Love covers a multitude of sins, so just keep on enduring that
abuse.
But God never intended his wordto be used as a leash around
(08:43):
your throat.
Let me say that to you againGod never intended his word to
be used as a leash around yourthroat.
That's weaponizing scripture.
And so that's why detailsmatter.
When a woman says he quotedEphesians five while threatening
(09:04):
to lock me in a room if Ididn't obey, she's not
dishonoring scripture.
No, she's exposing the lie thattwisted it.
She's exposing how it wasweaponized against her.
Because details matter.
And why?
(09:25):
Because the devil loves vaguesilence.
Man, the devil loves vaguesilence.
What do I mean by that?
Abusers want survivors to staysilent for two reasons.
The first reason is to keep thesurvivor confused.
It wants to keep you confused.
(09:46):
The second reason is to keepother victims unaware of what's
really going on.
Right, because then they'regoing to be free.
So because, as long as no oneis naming it, no one is
describing it in real languageand in vivid detail.
As long as no one is doing that, those still living under the
(10:11):
fog of spiritual, emotional andphysical abuse.
They don't have the vocabularyto resist it.
That's how systems ofoppression thrive when pain is
spiritualized, when silence ismoralized, when generalizations
(10:32):
replace the truth.
Let me be a pastor with you realquick.
Let me be very pastoral withyou here.
We do not serve a vague God.
I got to be real clear aboutthat.
We do not serve a vague God.
He is a God of covenants, he isa God of details and he is a
(10:56):
God of names.
Listen, the Bible isn't a storyabout abstract principles.
It's full of specific peoplewho deal with specific trauma
and have a very specificdeliverance.
God doesn't just say yo, hey,hey, I heard someone crying over
(11:17):
there, let me go do somethingabout it.
Nah, nah, nah.
He says in Exodus three, verseseven.
He says I have seen the miseryof my people in Egypt.
He says I've heard them cryingout and I'm concerned about
their suffering.
He names it, he sees it and hemoves because of it.
(11:41):
We have to be.
God is a God who is veryspecific, he's very detail
oriented and we should notbelieve the lie of the enemy
that we shouldn't be that forourselves.
No, tell your story and tell itin detail, all right, because
details heal, details heal,details heal.
(12:02):
How do I know that details heal?
Because when trauma survivorsspeak up, the more details they
share, the more they offersomething powerful to those who
are still in bondage to thatthing that they've been healed
from.
For instance, when you saythat's exactly what he said to
(12:28):
me, then they're giving youlanguage.
When you say things or thinkthings like I thought I was
crazy for feeling that way,they're recognizing.
That gives you recognition.
When you say, if she can say it, then I can too, it gives you
permission.
When you say, if she can say it, then I can too, it gives you
permission.
When you say, if she can leave,or if she left, maybe I can too
(12:51):
.
It's giving you courage.
If she healed, maybe I can healtoo.
It's giving you hope, becausedetails open the door.
Detail takes the scales off ofyour eyes so that you can see.
Details break that spell thatyou're under, that has you in a
cycle of trauma and thinkingit's love.
(13:13):
This is what Revelations 12 and11 meant when it says that in
12, 11, it says they overcamehim Speaking of the enemy.
They overcame him Speaking ofthe enemy.
They overcame him by the bloodof the lamb and by the word of
their testimony.
Not by the idea of a testimony,but by the word, the details,
(13:37):
the very specific word of theirtestimony, by telling the story.
That's what I'm saying to you,because, breaking telling the
story, it breaks the spell ofsilence.
When the Israelites wereenslaved, pharaoh didn't just
beat them, he manipulated them.
(13:59):
He made them believe that theywere only worth what they could
build.
But when God sent Moses, whatdid Moses say?
He said let my people go.
In my mind, I'm here.
Hey, yo, it's time to bounce upout of here, pharaoh, and you
need to give us, you need to letus go, because we got stuff to
(14:21):
do for the Lord.
You know what I mean.
We got, we got stuff that theLord has for us to do.
So you need to let us go.
You need to let us go.
But what gave Moses credibilitywith the people?
What allowed him to speak ontheir behalf?
Because he knew their suffering.
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He named it.
He knew the bricks, he knew thelashings, he knew the cries at
night of pain that was feelinginconsolable.
He spoke the language of theoppressed because he had seen it
with his own eyes and he didn'tflinch in the sight of it.
(15:03):
That's what today's survivorsneed.
That's what people who aretrapped in trauma and abuse need
.
Not sanitized stories, notvague metaphors.
No, they need courageous womento tell the truth and to tell it
plainly.
And when I say that, let memake this very clear Not with
(15:26):
defilement but with clarity.
Not with bitterness but withconviction, and not with shame
but with faith but with sacredfire.
That's what we need.
Okay, because healing is in thedetails.
Let me be very clear this is notabout trauma dumping.
(15:50):
Okay, that you just dumpingyour trauma on the internet or
on somebody else.
It's not about rehashing abusewith no boundaries or no filter.
No, it's about stewarding yourstory so that others may be free
and live.
It's about saying things likethis is how the enemy tried to
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take me out.
This is how scripture wastwisted in my pain.
This is how scripture wastwisted in my pain.
This is what I was made tobelieve and this is how God
opened my eyes, because in John9, when the blind man was healed
, he didn't say yo, I had anencounter with, with that dude
(16:36):
over there.
Nah, he didn't say that.
He said he put mud on my eyesand I washed.
And now I see he was specific.
He shared details and he wasled of the spirit.
It was holy and it testified.
(16:57):
It testified of the goodness ofGod who healed him.
So how can you start?
How can you start to healthrough the details of your
story If you've survivedspiritual abuse, religious abuse
, religious manipulation,domestic control or trauma that
(17:20):
was dismissed or disguised asbiblical?
Here's where your healingbegins.
Not just in prayer, though.
Prayer is very vital.
You cannot heal without it.
Not just time, although healingis a process and takes time.
Healing is a process and takestime, but what I've found, what
(17:41):
I've experienced, what I've seen, what I've know to work, is
there are three foundationalsteps that you can take their
research back, their scriptureback, and there's books written
about them that you can find.
And number one that I alwaysrecommend when you want to heal
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from your trauma and tell yourstory is you have to start
journaling your story, and notjust journaling but journal
every detail that you canstomach, because research from
Dr James Penbaker he's aprofessor at UT Austin he shows
(18:26):
that expressive writing,especially about traumatic
experiences, it significantlyimproves physical health, it
reduces anxiety and it enhancesyour immune function.
But the key isn't just venting.
(18:46):
No, it's about being veryspecific.
Specificity is key in yourhealing.
You have to be specific.
And when in his book he saysthat when people can construct a
(19:07):
coherent narrative of whathappened, they move from being a
victim to becoming a narrator.
And this, and the reason Ishare that, is because this
aligns perfectly with howhealing happens.
In Psalms, david doesn't justsay I'm sad.
No, he says in Psalm 6, verse 6, he says I am worn out from my
(19:33):
groaning all night, I long and I, all night long, I flood my bed
with weeping and I drench mycouch with tears.
He's very specific, he's veryanimated.
That's specific and, mostimportantly, he's honest.
(19:53):
That leads to emotional clarity.
So what I want you to do is Iwant you to get a journal and
title it the Truth, and in it Iwant you to begin writing the
full version of your story whathappened, where it happened, how
it felt, what was said.
(20:15):
Don't sanitize it for otherpeople.
Write what's true, why?
Because and this is what I wantyou to understand Until your
body knows that it's safe totell the truth, it will continue
to live in silence and fear.
So your story deserves a placeto breathe, even if the page is
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the only witness for now,because I know it's hard to
trust people.
Everyone's been dropped,everyone's been mishandled when
they've shared their story andif you're in that place, that's
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why I always recommend the firststep is to write it down until
you have the clarity, theconfidence, the assurance to
share it with someone that youtrust.
Number two is name the liesthat you were taught in God's
name, man, that that that is apowerful one.
One of the most dangerous formsof trauma is spiritual abuse,
because in spiritual abuse,that's where scripture is
misused to manipulate, to shameor to silence you.
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When truth is weaponized, itfractures your relationship with
God and with self.
Dr Diane Langberg she's aChristian trauma therapist and
she wrote the book RedeemingPower, understanding Authority
and Abuse in the Church.
And listen to what she wrote.
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She says when someone usesGod's name or scripture to hurt
another person, they arecommitting soul murder.
It distorts not only theperson's self-worth but their
perception of God himself, man.
That is so true.
Many survivors.
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What I've, what I've found tobe true, is that many survivors
feel that they're rebellingagainst God by questioning
abusive dynamics, but in reality, they're returning to him
(22:34):
because of the truth of hisscripture, of because of the
truth of his scripture.
So, for instance, they may have,uh, twisted first Corinthians
13, five love keeps no record ofwrong.
So they say, hey, hey you, you,you can't bring that up.
It love, love.
The Bible says that love keepsno record of wrong.
(22:58):
Why are you trying to blame mefor?
For abusing you Don't keep norecord of wrong, but what that's
?
But what the verse after thatsays brings clarity to what
they're twisting, because loveis not uh.
Verse six is love is notcomplicit in evil.
Love does not delight in evil,but rejoices with the truth.
(23:23):
That's what it says.
Right after it says love keepsno record of wrong.
The very next verse says lovedoes not delight in evil, but
rejoices with the truth.
So why are you, why are youdoing me like this, bro?
And so we have to do that.
So here's, here's what I wantyou to do for a step to create a
column, create a two columnlist and one column right
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Biblical phrases that were usedagainst you, and on the other
column I want you to write thetrue character of Christ or
verses in proper context as veryimportant.
That's why we should study forourselves when people are using
scripture to keep you oppressed.
So if you've got to use aconcordance, if you've got to
(24:10):
use a study Bible, if you've gotto research some stuff, let God
detox the lies from your spirit.
Okay, because until you replacethe counterfeit gospel of
control, listen to me until youreplace the counterfeit gospel
(24:30):
of control with the truth ofJesus's character, your healing
will be partial, because truthsets you free, according to John
8 32.
But first it has to be unmasked.
If you don't know what thetruth is, it cannot set you free
(24:51):
.
If you don't know the correctcontext for the scriptures that
were used against you, then hecan't use his word to set you
free.
If you don't know the correctcontext for the scriptures that
were used against you, then hecan't use his word to set you
free.
All right.
So number three and this is thethird one in the three steps
find a safe person to share yourstory with.
And I know for some peopleyou're like yo I don't trust
(25:14):
nobody.
Ain't nobody safe out here,because you may be in that
situation and I understand.
I understand if you're in thatsituation and you're like yo
ain't, ain't nobody out here inthese, in these streets here
safe, that's OK, you don't, youdon't have to start with that,
(25:35):
but at some point you need toget to that place, all right, so
find someone.
So one of the most healingthings that trauma survivors can
experience is co-recognition incommunity.
I'm going to say that again andI know it's a mental health
therapist counselor term, butco-recognition and safe
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community.
What that means is you're beingseen, you're being believed and
you're being loved.
While telling your truth andaccording to trauma researcher
Stephen Porgey he wrote the bookPolyvagal Theory and according
(26:19):
to his polyvagal theory, safetyand healing.
Safety and healing arebiological Blew my mind.
I'm like what Safety andhealing are biological?
When you're in the presence ofa regulated, compassionate
person, our nervous system calmsand opens up to restoration.
(26:45):
I'm telling you, that's why Goddesigned healing and community
and not isolation.
I was having a conversation witha, with a female soldier, and,
um, she was coming in with theintent to tell me why she felt
that she wasn't being promotedand mentored and in the process
(27:08):
of sharing that, she justunleashed her whole military
experience with me, uh, traumaafter trauma and, as you could
guess, while she was sharingthis with me, she was like I
don't know why I'm telling youthis, but I'm just telling you
this.
And at the time, you know, Ididn't have the mental health
training that I have now, Ihadn't read the books that I had
(27:30):
now or had the courses that Ihad now, but I was a Christian
and I was a pastor.
And I told her I say, look,there's two scriptures that come
to mind as to why you'retelling me what you're telling
me.
And I don't know if you believein God or not, or believe in
Jesus or not.
But James 5, 16 tells us thatconfess your sins one to another
(27:51):
and pray for one another thatyou may be healed.
And so I say look, it sounds tome that there's some healing
that still needs to take placethere.
So I'm going to, if you're okaywith it, I'm going to pray for
you that that healing happens.
And then the second scripture,because she was like what's the
second scripture?
It's Galatians 6.2.
And Galatians 6.2 says carryeach other's burdens and in that
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way, or in this way, you willfulfill the law of Christ.
Bear each other's burden.
And so I told her.
I said, by you sharing thatwith me, you're giving me
permission to carry that withyou and because I'm in a
position of authority, I can dosomething about what, what
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you've been experiencing in thiscompany.
And so we never.
We were, and I share that to saythat we were never meant to
walk out of the tomb alone.
Jesus didn't tell Lazarus totake off his own grave clothes.
You know the story.
He told the people around him,unbind him.
(29:00):
You could read it John 11, 44.
He told the crowd, the peoplearound him, loose this man.
He wasn't saying, hey, takethat stuff off.
He says no, he lose him and lethim free.
So we're never designed ormeant to walk out the tomb alone
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or to do it in community.
So here's what I want you to doAsk God for one safe, spirit
filled person that can be acounselor, a mentor, a support
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group or a trauma informedpastoral leader.
But find someone that you canshare your story with.
Who would, who will believe you, who, who?
Who have space for you to tellyour truth and all the details
that you feel comfortablesharing, who have space for you
to tell your truth and all thedetails that you feel
comfortable sharing and thatwill steward that story as
sacred.
Okay, and if you need someone,um, my wife and I are willing to
(30:06):
to do our best to give you someresources and to help you in
that area.
Um, but if you don't know whereto start, um, recommend this
book by Basel Vendor Koch theBody Keeps the Score.
There's another book by AndiColbert, which is Try Softer,
(30:27):
and then there's a book by DrHenry Cloud and John Townsend
called Safe People and JohnTownsend called Safe People.
Read those books, find out who'squalified and get your story,
even if you write it all out andjust read it to them, get it,
I'm telling you, it'stherapeutic, it's needed, it's
necessary.
And here's why Healing isn'tjust vertical, between you and
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God.
It's also horizontal, throughthe love and truth of others,
because God often answersprayers for healing through the
presence of his people that he'sput around you.
All right, all right.
So those are three things, andI'm gonna throw a bonus one in
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there for you because I believethis, this one is is very, very
needed, because some peoplethey're not ready to take this
one on.
But I'm gonna give you a bonusone if you want to, if you want
to speed up the healing process,all right, and the bonus one is
fast from confusion and feaston clarity, because in toxic
systems, confusion is a tactic.
(31:36):
I know that to be true.
In toxic systems, confusion isa tactic.
You're always second guessing,you're always unsure, you're
always overwhelmed.
But healing begins when you arewhen, when you, when you clear
(32:00):
space to hear God's voiceclearly.
That's when healing happens.
So, if you need to, I suggestyou take a seven day break from
anything that clouds yourclarity, whether that be social
media, toxic environments,religious influencers who you're
following, who cause anxiety,and replace those things with
worship reading your word,taking a walk outside if weather
(32:25):
permits, and sitting in silenceand waiting on the voice of the
Lord and, as he begins to speakto you, journal what comes up.
You'll be surprised how muchyour spirit already knows what's
true, that you've just beentaught not to trust it.
(32:45):
All right, because John 10, 27says my sheep hear my voice, I
know them and they follow me.
So if you want to expedite yourhealing, you have to detach and
fast from the confusion,because discernment grows in
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silence.
The spirit is not a God ofchaos, but of peace.
You can find that in 1Corinthians 14, 33.
And clarity is often the firsttaste of freedom.
You ever go to be in a place,in an environment and you'd be
like, wow, this is such clarity,it's all starting to click and
(33:33):
make sense.
That's the first taste offreedom.
Ok, you don't have to tell yourwhole story today, you don't
have to post it online.
You don't have to confrontevery person who hurt you, but
you do need to start telling thetruth, and tell the truth to
yourself, tell the truth to Godand eventually I'm not saying
(33:55):
right away you need to tell thetruth to someone safe, all right
, because the more detailed yourtruth becomes, the more
powerful your freedom will be.
Because in every God honoringdetail there's a declaration,
(34:15):
and here's a declaration, andhere's the declaration.
I am no longer confused, I amno longer controlled, I am no
longer silent.
Every detail that you share,that is what you're declaring in
the spirit and in your heartand that, my sister, is the
(34:38):
beginning of your healing.
So let me give you one finalthought of how chains break,
because, as I look through theBible, there's a reason Pharaoh
tried to silence Moses.
There's a reason the enemywants you to just move on and
(35:06):
not do anything about it.
There's a reason that abuserssay don't tell anyone, don't
talk about this.
Or nowadays they even hey, signthis NDA, sign this NDA.
Sign is NDA.
Because every time you speak thetruth, someone else wakes up.
Remember that every detail youshare becomes a flashlight and
(35:28):
someone else's darkness, everyvivid memory that you bring to
light, becomes an invitation tohealing.
Every sentence that you fearwas too much, maybe the next
sentence.
Another woman needs to believethat she's not crazy and she's
(35:50):
not alone.
Because this is not what I'msharing with you and what you're
writing.
This is not just therapy, thisis a testimony.
This is not just healing, thisis deliverance.
And it begins with one sacredact, and that's telling the
(36:12):
truth, telling it fully, boldlyand, most importantly, with
details.
And if this podcast and I knowyou know I got to get my
shameless plug if this podcaststirs something in your heart,
if you feel the spiritwhispering in your ear it's time
, then I invite you to do thisone thing this week.
(36:33):
This is what I invite you to doWrite your story.
I know you was looking for thisdeep, deep, philosophical,
theological nod.
Write your story, even if it'sjust for you, even if your hands
are shaking.
Write it, and write it detail,with honesty and with grace.
(36:53):
And know this the God who sawHagar in the wilderness he sees
you too.
He's not confused about yourstory and he's not ashamed of
your pain.
No, he will not waste a singleword that you share.
(37:14):
Why?
Because healing is in thedetails.
Thank you.
All right, I am super excited about this one.
Y'all.
I'm super excited about thisepisode.
And this episode I'm going tojust jump right into it because
it's some meat.
I'm telling you right now it'ssome meat and I've gone with the
title Healing is in the Details.
Healing is in the Details andit's going to be talking about
how specifics of a story canbreak chains and set captives
(00:24):
free.
I was listening to a podcast andit was about abuse and
surviving abuse and the ladysaid she was at a conference and
another abuse survivor wassharing her story and she was
recounting it in detail andshowing and sharing how it
(00:50):
happened and how she fell intoit and how she got stuck in the
cycle of it and how she brokefree and why the scales was
lifted.
And she was sharing that.
As the lady shared details, itawakened something in her to
allow her to get free too.
And now she was telling herstory and I was like, wow,
(01:13):
healing is in the details.
And so I just wrote a wholepodcast about it.
And this episode is also for myladies.
I wrote a paper for my classCounseling Women, also for my
ladies.
I wrote a paper for my classCounseling Women and it was
talking, and my paper was on thesubject of intimate betrayal
trauma intimate betrayal traumaand I wanted to do something
(01:37):
along those lines, and so I tooksome information from that and
I got some more stuff coming foryou, and so this is another
episode in honor of Women'sHistory Month in March, even
though I'm posting it well afterthat.
But hey, I love to support andto minister to and to see women
of God grow tremendously, andeven if you're not a woman of
(01:59):
the Christian faith, you stilldeserve freedom and growth and
healing, right and so.
And do the work podcast man.
We want to help everybody youknow as, and growth and healing,
right and so.
And Do the Work podcast man.
We want to help everybody youknow.
As a marriage and familycounselor, I want to help
everybody too.
Right?
So, sister, listen, listen,sisters, ladies, let's get
started.
Let's jump into this Now.
(02:19):
There's a moment that I oftenwitness in my work as a marriage
and family pastoral counselor,and whether I'm sitting across
from a brave woman sharing herstory for the first time with my
(02:41):
wife and I, or if we'recounseling a weary soul in
ministry, or listening even as ateacher, if I'm listening to a
fifth grader or if I'm, as ayouth pastor, listening my wife
and I listening to a young ladyconfess something, with shaking
hands, the moment her voicestarts to tremble, but she keeps
(03:07):
going, she keeps going and thenshe says something specific,
not general, not abstract, notChristianized version of her
truth, but a detail, a sentence,a smell, a sound, a phrase he
said, a scripture that he used.
The way her stomach droppedwhen she heard keys in the door,
(03:31):
the shame that she felt everytime she was told that she
wasn't honoring God by settingboundaries.
And it's in that detail thatthe breakthrough happens.
And that breakthrough happensnot just for her but for every
(03:51):
other woman listening.
I've been in conferences and alady sharing her testimony, and
I'm looking around and I seethese women just weeping as
they're getting their healingand their breakthrough by
hearing hers, even the onesstill living in it.
It's true.
And so there's power in aspecific story and a detailed
(04:18):
story Right.
And so, in that, in that power,neuroscience tells us something
very powerful about, aboutstories Right.
And what it tells us is that,when you look up, when you look
(04:39):
at the, the, the neuroscience of, of details, right,
neuroscience of details right.
Neuroscience of stories right.
What it tells us is that wedon't heal from what we
understand.
We don't heal from what weunderstand, we heal from what we
(05:00):
identify with.
And according to Dr BissellVandervoog and he's the author
of a and I probably butcheredhis name, but he's the author of
a very popular book that Irecommend to everyone and it's
the Body Keeps the Score or theBody Keeps Score, but I'm pretty
sure it's the Body Keeps theScore and it's about in that
(05:25):
book he tells us that traumalodges itself in the body and in
the brain.
And what it does?
It distorts perception andmemory story that mirrors their
own.
The brain lights up like,literally, there's synapses in
(05:47):
the brain that's going offbecause it identifies with that
story.
Specifics, sensory, emotional,rich details activate the parts
of the brain that are associatedwith memory and empathy and the
listener's brain recognizesitself in the narrative and it
feels seen, it feels known, itfeels validated and breakthrough
(06:11):
begins to happen.
And that is the first crack inthe trance.
The first crack because here'sthe truth about trauma.
Here's the truth.
Trauma doesn't just destroy yoursafety, it distorts your
reality.
It doesn't just destroy yoursafety, it distorts your reality
(06:31):
and it convinces you that wrongis right, that abuse is love,
that silence is holiness, thatboundaries are rebellion and
that submission means becominginvisible.
Ladies, I'm talking to you and,worst of all, it convinces you
that you're the problem.
(06:52):
That's what trauma does.
It convinces you that you'rethe problem.
It distorts everything and thenconvinces you that you're the
problem, and especially whenScripture is weaponized, that's
one of the big ones.
So, because there's so manywomen, I was talking to someone
(07:13):
recently about a situation of afriend of hers.
That was that was going throughsomething and scripture was
weaponized against her and nowshe's no longer walking with the
Lord.
And I was so grieved because somany women that my wife and I
counsel didn't start outconfused.
They didn't.
They had a sense deep in theirgut Yo yo, something's off, this
(07:37):
ain't right.
Their spirit was whispering tothem.
This isn't what God meant, butthey were trained to ignore that
voice.
Instead, they were taughtthings like turn the other cheek
, wives.
Submit to your husbands as aweapon to control rather than a
(07:58):
call to a mutual love.
Turn the other cheek as areason to allow evil rather than
resist it.
Here's a good one, and good, asin this, is often misused and
misrepresented and weaponizedagainst women and men alike.
(08:18):
That love covers a multitude ofsins.
That's in 1 Peter 4.8.
Love covers a multitude of sins.
That's in 1 Peter 4, 8.
Because they want to give you,they want to weaponize that as a
reason to keep enduring abuse.
Love covers a multitude of sins, so just keep on enduring that
abuse.
But God never intended his wordto be used as a leash around
(08:43):
your throat.
Let me say that to you againGod never intended his word to
be used as a leash around yourthroat.
That's weaponizing scripture.
And so that's why detailsmatter.
When a woman says he quotedEphesians five while threatening
(09:04):
to lock me in a room if Ididn't obey, she's not
dishonoring scripture.
No, she's exposing the lie thattwisted it.
She's exposing how it wasweaponized against her.
Because details matter.
And why?
(09:25):
Because the devil loves vaguesilence.
Man, the devil loves vaguesilence.
What do I mean by that?
Abusers want survivors to staysilent for two reasons.
The first reason is to keep thesurvivor confused.
It wants to keep you confused.
(09:46):
The second reason is to keepother victims unaware of what's
really going on.
Right, because then they'regoing to be free.
So because, as long as no oneis naming it, no one is
describing it in real languageand in vivid detail.
As long as no one is doing that, those still living under the
(10:11):
fog of spiritual, emotional andphysical abuse.
They don't have the vocabularyto resist it.
That's how systems ofoppression thrive when pain is
spiritualized, when silence ismoralized, when generalizations
(10:32):
replace the truth.
Let me be a pastor with you realquick.
Let me be very pastoral withyou here.
We do not serve a vague God.
I got to be real clear aboutthat.
We do not serve a vague God.
He is a God of covenants, he isa God of details and he is a
(10:56):
God of names.
Listen, the Bible isn't a storyabout abstract principles.
It's full of specific peoplewho deal with specific trauma
and have a very specificdeliverance.
God doesn't just say yo, hey,hey, I heard someone crying over
(11:17):
there, let me go do somethingabout it.
Nah, nah, nah.
He says in Exodus three, verseseven.
He says I have seen the miseryof my people in Egypt.
He says I've heard them cryingout and I'm concerned about
their suffering.
He names it, he sees it and hemoves because of it.
(11:41):
We have to be.
God is a God who is veryspecific, he's very detail
oriented and we should notbelieve the lie of the enemy
that we shouldn't be that forourselves.
No, tell your story and tell itin detail, all right, because
details heal, details heal,details heal.
(12:02):
How do I know that details heal?
Because when trauma survivorsspeak up, the more details they
share, the more they offersomething powerful to those who
are still in bondage to thatthing that they've been healed
from.
For instance, when you saythat's exactly what he said to
(12:28):
me, then they're giving youlanguage.
When you say things or thinkthings like I thought I was
crazy for feeling that way,they're recognizing.
That gives you recognition.
When you say, if she can say it, then I can too, it gives you
permission.
When you say, if she can say it, then I can too, it gives you
permission.
When you say, if she can leave,or if she left, maybe I can too
(12:51):
.
It's giving you courage.
If she healed, maybe I can healtoo.
It's giving you hope, becausedetails open the door.
Detail takes the scales off ofyour eyes so that you can see.
Details break that spell thatyou're under, that has you in a
cycle of trauma and thinkingit's love.
(13:13):
This is what Revelations 12 and11 meant when it says that in
12, 11, it says they overcamehim Speaking of the enemy.
They overcame him Speaking ofthe enemy.
They overcame him by the bloodof the lamb and by the word of
their testimony.
Not by the idea of a testimony,but by the word, the details,
(13:37):
the very specific word of theirtestimony, by telling the story.
That's what I'm saying to you,because, breaking telling the
story, it breaks the spell ofsilence.
When the Israelites wereenslaved, pharaoh didn't just
beat them, he manipulated them.
(13:59):
He made them believe that theywere only worth what they could
build.
But when God sent Moses, whatdid Moses say?
He said let my people go.
In my mind, I'm here.
Hey, yo, it's time to bounce upout of here, pharaoh, and you
need to give us, you need to letus go, because we got stuff to
(14:21):
do for the Lord.
You know what I mean.
We got, we got stuff that theLord has for us to do.
So you need to let us go.
You need to let us go.
But what gave Moses credibilitywith the people?
What allowed him to speak ontheir behalf?
Because he knew their suffering.
(14:42):
He named it.
He knew the bricks, he knew thelashings, he knew the cries at
night of pain that was feelinginconsolable.
He spoke the language of theoppressed because he had seen it
with his own eyes and he didn'tflinch in the sight of it.
(15:03):
That's what today's survivorsneed.
That's what people who aretrapped in trauma and abuse need
.
Not sanitized stories, notvague metaphors.
No, they need courageous womento tell the truth and to tell it
plainly.
And when I say that, let memake this very clear Not with
(15:26):
defilement but with clarity.
Not with bitterness but withconviction, and not with shame
but with faith but with sacredfire.
That's what we need.
Okay, because healing is in thedetails.
Let me be very clear this is notabout trauma dumping.
(15:50):
Okay, that you just dumpingyour trauma on the internet or
on somebody else.
It's not about rehashing abusewith no boundaries or no filter.
No, it's about stewarding yourstory so that others may be free
and live.
It's about saying things likethis is how the enemy tried to
(16:14):
take me out.
This is how scripture wastwisted in my pain.
This is how scripture wastwisted in my pain.
This is what I was made tobelieve and this is how God
opened my eyes, because in John9, when the blind man was healed
, he didn't say yo, I had anencounter with, with that dude
(16:36):
over there.
Nah, he didn't say that.
He said he put mud on my eyesand I washed.
And now I see he was specific.
He shared details and he wasled of the spirit.
It was holy and it testified.
(16:57):
It testified of the goodness ofGod who healed him.
So how can you start?
How can you start to healthrough the details of your
story If you've survivedspiritual abuse, religious abuse
, religious manipulation,domestic control or trauma that
(17:20):
was dismissed or disguised asbiblical?
Here's where your healingbegins.
Not just in prayer, though.
Prayer is very vital.
You cannot heal without it.
Not just time, although healingis a process and takes time.
Healing is a process and takestime, but what I've found, what
(17:41):
I've experienced, what I've seen, what I've know to work, is
there are three foundationalsteps that you can take their
research back, their scriptureback, and there's books written
about them that you can find.
And number one that I alwaysrecommend when you want to heal
(18:04):
from your trauma and tell yourstory is you have to start
journaling your story, and notjust journaling but journal
every detail that you canstomach, because research from
Dr James Penbaker he's aprofessor at UT Austin he shows
(18:26):
that expressive writing,especially about traumatic
experiences, it significantlyimproves physical health, it
reduces anxiety and it enhancesyour immune function.
But the key isn't just venting.
(18:46):
No, it's about being veryspecific.
Specificity is key in yourhealing.
You have to be specific.
And when in his book he saysthat when people can construct a
(19:07):
coherent narrative of whathappened, they move from being a
victim to becoming a narrator.
And this, and the reason Ishare that, is because this
aligns perfectly with howhealing happens.
In Psalms, david doesn't justsay I'm sad.
No, he says in Psalm 6, verse 6, he says I am worn out from my
(19:33):
groaning all night, I long and I, all night long, I flood my bed
with weeping and I drench mycouch with tears.
He's very specific, he's veryanimated.
That's specific and, mostimportantly, he's honest.
(19:53):
That leads to emotional clarity.
So what I want you to do is Iwant you to get a journal and
title it the Truth, and in it Iwant you to begin writing the
full version of your story whathappened, where it happened, how
it felt, what was said.
(20:15):
Don't sanitize it for otherpeople.
Write what's true, why?
Because and this is what I wantyou to understand Until your
body knows that it's safe totell the truth, it will continue
to live in silence and fear.
So your story deserves a placeto breathe, even if the page is
(20:42):
the only witness for now,because I know it's hard to
trust people.
Everyone's been dropped,everyone's been mishandled when
they've shared their story andif you're in that place, that's
(21:09):
why I always recommend the firststep is to write it down until
you have the clarity, theconfidence, the assurance to
share it with someone that youtrust.
Number two is name the liesthat you were taught in God's
name, man, that that that is apowerful one.
One of the most dangerous formsof trauma is spiritual abuse,
because in spiritual abuse,that's where scripture is
misused to manipulate, to shameor to silence you.
(21:31):
When truth is weaponized, itfractures your relationship with
God and with self.
Dr Diane Langberg she's aChristian trauma therapist and
she wrote the book RedeemingPower, understanding Authority
and Abuse in the Church.
And listen to what she wrote.
(21:52):
She says when someone usesGod's name or scripture to hurt
another person, they arecommitting soul murder.
It distorts not only theperson's self-worth but their
perception of God himself, man.
That is so true.
Many survivors.
(22:13):
What I've, what I've found tobe true, is that many survivors
feel that they're rebellingagainst God by questioning
abusive dynamics, but in reality, they're returning to him
(22:34):
because of the truth of hisscripture, of because of the
truth of his scripture.
So, for instance, they may have,uh, twisted first Corinthians
13, five love keeps no record ofwrong.
So they say, hey, hey you, you,you can't bring that up.
It love, love.
The Bible says that love keepsno record of wrong.
(22:58):
Why are you trying to blame mefor?
For abusing you Don't keep norecord of wrong, but what that's
?
But what the verse after thatsays brings clarity to what
they're twisting, because loveis not uh.
Verse six is love is notcomplicit in evil.
Love does not delight in evil,but rejoices with the truth.
(23:23):
That's what it says.
Right after it says love keepsno record of wrong.
The very next verse says lovedoes not delight in evil, but
rejoices with the truth.
So why are you, why are youdoing me like this, bro?
And so we have to do that.
So here's, here's what I wantyou to do for a step to create a
column, create a two columnlist and one column right
(23:46):
Biblical phrases that were usedagainst you, and on the other
column I want you to write thetrue character of Christ or
verses in proper context as veryimportant.
That's why we should study forourselves when people are using
scripture to keep you oppressed.
So if you've got to use aconcordance, if you've got to
(24:10):
use a study Bible, if you've gotto research some stuff, let God
detox the lies from your spirit.
Okay, because until you replacethe counterfeit gospel of
control, listen to me until youreplace the counterfeit gospel
(24:30):
of control with the truth ofJesus's character, your healing
will be partial, because truthsets you free, according to John
8 32.
But first it has to be unmasked.
If you don't know what thetruth is, it cannot set you free
(24:51):
.
If you don't know the correctcontext for the scriptures that
were used against you, then hecan't use his word to set you
free.
If you don't know the correctcontext for the scriptures that
were used against you, then hecan't use his word to set you
free.
All right.
So number three and this is thethird one in the three steps
find a safe person to share yourstory with.
And I know for some peopleyou're like yo I don't trust
(25:14):
nobody.
Ain't nobody safe out here,because you may be in that
situation and I understand.
I understand if you're in thatsituation and you're like yo
ain't, ain't nobody out here inthese, in these streets here
safe, that's OK, you don't, youdon't have to start with that,
(25:35):
but at some point you need toget to that place, all right, so
find someone.
So one of the most healingthings that trauma survivors can
experience is co-recognition incommunity.
I'm going to say that again andI know it's a mental health
therapist counselor term, butco-recognition and safe
(25:58):
community.
What that means is you're beingseen, you're being believed and
you're being loved.
While telling your truth andaccording to trauma researcher
Stephen Porgey he wrote the bookPolyvagal Theory and according
(26:19):
to his polyvagal theory, safetyand healing.
Safety and healing arebiological Blew my mind.
I'm like what Safety andhealing are biological?
When you're in the presence ofa regulated, compassionate
person, our nervous system calmsand opens up to restoration.
(26:45):
I'm telling you, that's why Goddesigned healing and community
and not isolation.
I was having a conversation witha, with a female soldier, and,
um, she was coming in with theintent to tell me why she felt
that she wasn't being promotedand mentored and in the process
(27:08):
of sharing that, she justunleashed her whole military
experience with me, uh, traumaafter trauma and, as you could
guess, while she was sharingthis with me, she was like I
don't know why I'm telling youthis, but I'm just telling you
this.
And at the time, you know, Ididn't have the mental health
training that I have now, Ihadn't read the books that I had
(27:30):
now or had the courses that Ihad now, but I was a Christian
and I was a pastor.
And I told her I say, look,there's two scriptures that come
to mind as to why you'retelling me what you're telling
me.
And I don't know if you believein God or not, or believe in
Jesus or not.
But James 5, 16 tells us thatconfess your sins one to another
(27:51):
and pray for one another thatyou may be healed.
And so I say look, it sounds tome that there's some healing
that still needs to take placethere.
So I'm going to, if you're okaywith it, I'm going to pray for
you that that healing happens.
And then the second scripture,because she was like what's the
second scripture?
It's Galatians 6.2.
And Galatians 6.2 says carryeach other's burdens and in that
(28:15):
way, or in this way, you willfulfill the law of Christ.
Bear each other's burden.
And so I told her.
I said, by you sharing thatwith me, you're giving me
permission to carry that withyou and because I'm in a
position of authority, I can dosomething about what, what
(28:36):
you've been experiencing in thiscompany.
And so we never.
We were, and I share that to saythat we were never meant to
walk out of the tomb alone.
Jesus didn't tell Lazarus totake off his own grave clothes.
You know the story.
He told the people around him,unbind him.
(29:00):
You could read it John 11, 44.
He told the crowd, the peoplearound him, loose this man.
He wasn't saying, hey, takethat stuff off.
He says no, he lose him and lethim free.
So we're never designed ormeant to walk out the tomb alone
(29:22):
or to do it in community.
So here's what I want you to doAsk God for one safe, spirit
filled person that can be acounselor, a mentor, a support
(29:43):
group or a trauma informedpastoral leader.
But find someone that you canshare your story with.
Who would, who will believe you, who, who?
Who have space for you to tellyour truth and all the details
that you feel comfortablesharing, who have space for you
to tell your truth and all thedetails that you feel
comfortable sharing and thatwill steward that story as
sacred.
Okay, and if you need someone,um, my wife and I are willing to
(30:06):
to do our best to give you someresources and to help you in
that area.
Um, but if you don't know whereto start, um, recommend this
book by Basel Vendor Koch theBody Keeps the Score.
There's another book by AndiColbert, which is Try Softer,
(30:27):
and then there's a book by DrHenry Cloud and John Townsend
called Safe People and JohnTownsend called Safe People.
Read those books, find out who'squalified and get your story,
even if you write it all out andjust read it to them, get it,
I'm telling you, it'stherapeutic, it's needed, it's
necessary.
And here's why Healing isn'tjust vertical, between you and
(30:52):
God.
It's also horizontal, throughthe love and truth of others,
because God often answersprayers for healing through the
presence of his people that he'sput around you.
All right, all right.
So those are three things, andI'm gonna throw a bonus one in
(31:13):
there for you because I believethis, this one is is very, very
needed, because some peoplethey're not ready to take this
one on.
But I'm gonna give you a bonusone if you want to, if you want
to speed up the healing process,all right, and the bonus one is
fast from confusion and feaston clarity, because in toxic
systems, confusion is a tactic.
(31:36):
I know that to be true.
In toxic systems, confusion isa tactic.
You're always second guessing,you're always unsure, you're
always overwhelmed.
But healing begins when you arewhen, when you, when you clear
(32:00):
space to hear God's voiceclearly.
That's when healing happens.
So, if you need to, I suggestyou take a seven day break from
anything that clouds yourclarity, whether that be social
media, toxic environments,religious influencers who you're
following, who cause anxiety,and replace those things with
worship reading your word,taking a walk outside if weather
(32:25):
permits, and sitting in silenceand waiting on the voice of the
Lord and, as he begins to speakto you, journal what comes up.
You'll be surprised how muchyour spirit already knows what's
true, that you've just beentaught not to trust it.
(32:45):
All right, because John 10, 27says my sheep hear my voice, I
know them and they follow me.
So if you want to expedite yourhealing, you have to detach and
fast from the confusion,because discernment grows in
(33:10):
silence.
The spirit is not a God ofchaos, but of peace.
You can find that in 1Corinthians 14, 33.
And clarity is often the firsttaste of freedom.
You ever go to be in a place,in an environment and you'd be
like, wow, this is such clarity,it's all starting to click and
(33:33):
make sense.
That's the first taste offreedom.
Ok, you don't have to tell yourwhole story today, you don't
have to post it online.
You don't have to confrontevery person who hurt you, but
you do need to start telling thetruth, and tell the truth to
yourself, tell the truth to Godand eventually I'm not saying
(33:55):
right away you need to tell thetruth to someone safe, all right
, because the more detailed yourtruth becomes, the more
powerful your freedom will be.
Because in every God honoringdetail there's a declaration,
(34:15):
and here's a declaration, andhere's the declaration.
I am no longer confused, I amno longer controlled, I am no
longer silent.
Every detail that you share,that is what you're declaring in
the spirit and in your heartand that, my sister, is the
(34:38):
beginning of your healing.
So let me give you one finalthought of how chains break,
because, as I look through theBible, there's a reason Pharaoh
tried to silence Moses.
There's a reason the enemywants you to just move on and
(35:06):
not do anything about it.
There's a reason that abuserssay don't tell anyone, don't
talk about this.
Or nowadays they even hey, signthis NDA, sign this NDA.
Sign is NDA.
Because every time you speak thetruth, someone else wakes up.
Remember that every detail youshare becomes a flashlight and
(35:28):
someone else's darkness, everyvivid memory that you bring to
light, becomes an invitation tohealing.
Every sentence that you fearwas too much, maybe the next
sentence.
Another woman needs to believethat she's not crazy and she's
(35:50):
not alone.
Because this is not what I'msharing with you and what you're
writing.
This is not just therapy, thisis a testimony.
This is not just healing, thisis deliverance.
And it begins with one sacredact, and that's telling the
(36:12):
truth, telling it fully, boldlyand, most importantly, with
details.
And if this podcast and I knowyou know I got to get my
shameless plug if this podcaststirs something in your heart,
if you feel the spiritwhispering in your ear it's time
, then I invite you to do thisone thing this week.
(36:33):
This is what I invite you to doWrite your story.
I know you was looking for thisdeep, deep, philosophical,
theological nod.
Write your story, even if it'sjust for you, even if your hands
are shaking.
Write it, and write it detail,with honesty and with grace.
(36:53):
And know this the God who sawHagar in the wilderness he sees
you too.
He's not confused about yourstory and he's not ashamed of
your pain.
No, he will not waste a singleword that you share.
(37:14):
Why?
Because healing is in thedetails.
Thank you.
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