April 22, 2025 • 53 mins
Ever found yourself in a heated argument with your spouse over something as trivial as dishes in the sink, only to watch it spiral into questioning whether you even value each other? You're not alone. This relationship phenomenon—where small triggers ignite emotional explosions—reveals something profound about our connections.
"You're never actually fighting about the dishes," Harold McGee Jr. explains in this illuminating episode. "You're fighting from a place of disconnection." Drawing from both personal experience and professional insight, Harold unpacks why these seemingly minor conflicts escalate so dramatically and offers practical tools to transform them into opportunities for deeper intimacy.
At the heart of these conflicts lies our nervous system's inability to distinguish between physical and emotional threats. When your partner sighs or uses "that tone," your brain goes into red alert, shuttling you into fight, flight, or freeze mode before you even realize what's happening. This neurological hijacking explains why logical conversations can suddenly veer into emotional chaos.
The episode introduces game-changing strategies including the timeout protocol, physical regulation techniques, and the powerful XYZ formula for clear communication: "When X happens, I feel Y, and I need Z." These structured approaches help prevent automatic reactions when emotions run high. For couples with faith backgrounds, Harold reclaims biblical concepts like prayer as neurosynchronization and submission as mutual surrender to enhance connection.
Perhaps most transformative is the shift from pursuing perfect communication to mastering perfect repair through recognition, responsibility, remorse, and reconnection. Every relationship experiences disconnection—what matters is how quickly and thoroughly you restore the bond. Ready to stop arguing about dishes and address what's really happening in your relationship? Listen now and do the work that could transform your marriage forever.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
All right, welcome to Do the Work Podcast.
I'm your host, harold McGee Jr.
If this is your first time,welcome.
If you're coming back, welcomeas well.
And today we're talking aboutsomething that's hidden home for
about 99% of you right now, andthat's those ridiculous
arguments with your spouse thatstart over nothing but somehow
(00:22):
they end up feeling likeemotional Armageddon.
Am I the only one you know?
And so I'm not here to vent myfrustrations.
I'm here.
I'm here to help us All.
Right, based off myfrustrations.
I ain't going to lie.
They based off my frustrations.
But listen, last week I'mstanding in my kitchen, right,
(00:42):
and I'm staring at a sink fullof dishes that don't belong to
me.
I didn't put them there, okay,and blood is boiling, blood
pressure boiling, not going tolie.
And I had two choices, right?
First choice passive,aggressively stack the dishes
(01:03):
even higher than they alreadyare, because that pettiness,
anointing is real sometimes,right?
Or I could start an argumentthat would somehow end up with
me debating whether I even valuemy wife or not, right?
Do I value her at all?
And so I wish I could tell youthat I chose the mature option,
(01:26):
right?
But let's just say we ended uphaving a spirited discussion.
There wasn't no furnituremoving, but hey, it was very
spirited and it was aboutrespect, consideration and
somehow I don't know how, butsomehow my inability to schedule
dentist appointments correctly.
(01:47):
I was like what?
Which had absolutely nothing todo with the dishes.
I'm like, come on, does thissound familiar?
Am I the only one?
Does this sound familiar to youlistening or watching?
So in that moment where you'rearguing about something so small
but suddenly everything in yourmarriage feels on the line, I'm
(02:09):
like come on now, and here'sthe truth.
You're never actually fightingabout the dishes.
That's what I'm talking about.
You're never fighting about thedishes.
You're never fighting aboutsocks or your tone of voice or
you forgetting to switch out thedishwasher.
(02:29):
You're not fighting about thosethings.
You're fighting from a place ofdisconnection.
And understanding this isn'tjust helpful, and what I mean by
this?
I mean the place ofdisconnection.
Understanding this is not justhelpful.
It can literally, it might justsave your marriage or
relationship.
I've seen it happen over andover.
(02:51):
Okay, so let's do the work.
All right, let's jump into this.
And first thing I want to talkabout is I want to say is that
in the military, we have thissaying, and the saying is the
map is not the territory.
The map is not the territory.
And what you see on paper neverfully captures what's happening
(03:15):
on the ground.
Because marriage is the sameway.
And what I mean by that is likewe can do a map recon and we
can point out things on the mapand how it looks on paper and
the different things that we mayencounter on paper, but that
never fully gives us the realpicture of what we're coming up
against in the territory.
(03:36):
All right, and so the samething applies in our marriage.
Marriage is exactly like that,because the invisible, the
visible arguments what you saythat you're fighting about.
That's just the map, that'sjust the map.
The territory, however, that'sthe invisible emotional
landscape that's underneath it.
(03:57):
And so, after several yearsover 50, I've been in the
military, over 15 years, youknow military service, teaching
students, counseling couples,plus making plenty of my own
relationship mistakes I can tellyou with absolute certainty
that those surface issues arenever the real problem.
(04:21):
Anybody who's been in any typeof relationship more than a few
years, or even sometimes a fewmonths, they will let you know
that those surface, the thingsthat you're fighting about, are
never the things that you'reactually fighting about.
And let me give you an example.
So there there's this couple,will and Jamie, right, and they
(04:42):
came to me convinced that theywere failing in their marriage
and falling apart because theycouldn't agree on how to
discipline their kids.
All right, he was too strict,she was too lenient Classic
Right.
But when we dug deeper wediscovered something fascinating
(05:05):
.
His strictness came fromgrowing up with an alcoholic
father who provided no structurewhatsoever, and her leniency it
stemmed from parents who wereemotionally cold towards her,
but they were rigidly enforcedthe rules.
They were on her all the timeabout enforcing the rules.
(05:27):
And they weren't the couple,they weren't actually
disagreeing about parenting.
What we realized was they werereacting from unhealed places in
their own stories and they weretriggering each other's deepest
fears without even realizing it.
And because your brain thishappens because your brains, our
(05:50):
brains primary job.
It has one job and that's tokeep us alive.
That's the primary job of thebrain, is to keep us alive.
And here's the wild part.
Your brain processesrelationships, threat, the same
way it processes physical ones.
Because when your spouse sighsheavily at something that you
(06:11):
said or uses that tone that youknow, that tone and your nervous
system doesn't distinguish thisfrom the physical attack, right
, and so your brain goes intodanger, danger, red alert, red
alert like hey, red flags, likewe're about to set it off, it's
up up in here and so it fires upyour threat response.
(06:35):
And that happens whether thethreat is physical or emotional
or relational.
And so this manifests the threeprimary and three primary ways.
And you know the three waysfight, flight or freeze.
If it's in fight mode, youbecome argumentative and
defensive or critical.
If you're in a flight mode, youwithdraw emotionally, you avoid
(06:59):
conflict, or are you physically, leave the situation and then
freeze is.
That's when you're shuttingdown, you're going silent, you
become stuck, so to say, and youknow the kicker.
You know what the kicker is.
Most of us have a defaultpattern that we've been running
our entire lives, and we usuallymarry someone with a
(07:26):
complimentary pattern or anopposite pattern.
That creates this destructivedance that I like to call, and
the dance is she criticizes,which is fight, he withdraws,
which is flight, she pursuesharder, more fight, he shuts
down completely, freeze, andthen she gives up, freeze again,
(07:50):
and then he tries to fix thesituation right, which is back
to fight.
And so we keep going in thiscycle over and over, and one
couple I work with they callthis their tornado.
They were like we keep going onthis tornado.
Every time it's just like atornado.
And I thought, wow, that'sperfect, because these cycles
(08:11):
spin faster and moredestructively over time if
they're not interrupted orstopped right.
And so the man back to the storythat I was telling you the man
had grown up with an explosivefather, so he learned early that
the safest response to conflictwas to disappear, because he
(08:32):
wasn't trying to get them handslaid on him, he wasn't trying to
get yelled at and beat on.
So that's a classic flightresponse.
But his wife, she had grown upwith a mother who gave everyone
the silent treatment for dayslike freeze, like the classic
freeze response.
And so she learned that you hadto push, you had to push hard
(08:55):
to get any emotional response,which is a fight response, right
.
So he learned to flight and shelearned to fight.
They don't know this, butthat's their default pattern,
right.
And so when you put themtogether, you have a
relationship where her biggestfear is abandonment and it
(09:18):
triggers his default responseWithdraw, which then triggers
her default response Pursue,which further triggers him
because he's like look, I'mtrying to lean back and give you
some space and you keep comingat me and I'm trying not to do
anything.
But you keep coming at me andshe's thinking you keep
withdrawing.
(09:38):
So I got to keep coming becauseyou you're going to abandon me.
I don't want you to abandon me.
So I got to keep pushing, I gotto keep pursuing, and it's like
a relational version ofNewton's third law right, for
every action there's an equaland opposite reaction, except in
marriage.
The reaction keeps amplifyinguntil you're fighting about
(09:59):
whether Jesus will load thedishwasher from the front to the
back or from the back to thefront.
And if you know, you always gofrom the back to the front.
I'm just saying that's just howI learn and I think that's how
Jesus would load the dishwasher.
But listen, if you're feelingpersonally attacked right now,
(10:20):
that is good.
That means that I'm on theright track, that means you can
relate, that means this episodeis going to mean something to
somebody.
And the gap, so the gap betweenknowing and doing is where most
relationships die.
Let me say that again.
The gap between knowing anddoing is where most
(10:41):
relationships die.
And today we're closing thatgap because we don't.
I don't want your relationshipto die and I hope you don't want
your relationship to die either, right?
So one of the most fascinatingaspects of relationship stress
is how differently men and womentend to express it.
(11:02):
Right and there, uh, there arenand there aren't absolute rules
.
So when it comes to how menexpress things and how women, I
hesitate sometimes giving theseobservations because some people
are like, well, I don't do that.
Does that mean that I'm notexpressing my frustration?
Look, these are looseobservations that I've noticed
(11:22):
in most people.
There's always anomalies.
There's always anomalies.
There's always differentpersonalities.
There's always different waysthat people do it.
But I've seen plenty ofexceptions.
Okay, but understanding thesepatterns can help you and help
us recognize when our spouse isstressed.
Right, even when they don't sayit directly, it is still help
(11:44):
you notice or identify.
Ok, they, they might bestressed.
All right.
So let's start with the men,all right.
So for men, stress typicallyshows up first as increased
irritability or anger.
I know that that's for me.
I'm not going to even lie.
When a guy, when a guy snaps athis kids over small infractions
or get disproportionatelyfrustrated at traffic, it's
(12:10):
often not about the things thathe's mad at.
It's not about those things atall.
It's usually stress from work,stress from finances, stress
from relationship, concernsexpressing and they're
expressing themselves or itselfsideways.
It's like, dude, you actingcrazy, like what's going on, but
if you don't know to look forthat, then you just think
(12:31):
there's some jerks right.
The second way is withdrawal andsilence.
Men tend to retreat whenoverwhelmed.
This isn't necessarily aboutavoiding you.
This isn't necessarily aboutavoiding you.
It's about avoiding theintensity of emotions that
they're experiencing.
And one, as one husband told me.
(12:52):
He says he's like man Harold, Igo silent because I don't trust
what will come out of my mouthwhen I'm this angry with her and
I'm like, do I get it?
I get it.
Sometimes you just got to takea break.
But one of the ways that weexpress that stress shows up is
(13:12):
withdrawal and silence.
A third way is that increasedfocus on leisure activities.
What does that look like?
The stereotype of men likegolfing, gaming or watching
sports, instead of dealing withtheir relationship issues.
That exists for a reasonbecause these activities provide
a predictable environment wherethey feel competent and in
(13:35):
control, which is, believe it ornot, the exact opposite of how
they might feel in a relationalconflict.
Right.
And then finally, you have thephysical symptoms, because you
know we can't leave out thephysical symptoms, and the
physical symptoms are thingslike headaches, back pain,
(13:56):
digestive issues, sleepdisturbances often appear in men
who are experiencing chronicrelationship stress.
All right, our bodies absorbwhat we're, what our words
refuse or don't express.
Okay, and when I was, when I wasa teenager, I was going through
it with this girl at school.
(14:18):
We're not going to mention hername, so so I would lay in bed
all day when I got home and I'lljust be laying down, sleeping,
napping, thinking, staring,whatever, and my older cousin
would see me and he'd be like,oh, you got girl problems with
cuz.
And because he was like that'sthe main reason, a dude will be
(14:39):
laying around, like you doing.
And I used to think like forreal, like, is it that obvious?
Like you doing, and I used tothink like for real, like, is it
that obvious?
But it was my body expressingmy teenage relational stress due
to that puppy love.
That puppy love had a brotherstressed out, you know.
And so those are some ways thatmen express stress in our lives
(15:02):
.
But for women, stress tends tomanifest itself a little bit
differently, and some of this Itook from women that I observed,
but a lot of it from my wifewhen she gets stressed out,
right.
And so first I noticed anincreased tension to control and
order, right.
And that looks like when awoman suddenly becomes
(15:26):
hyper-focused on having a cleanhouse or sticking to schedules,
it might be her way of creatingexternal order to compensate for
the internal chaos.
And I'm like, baby, if my wifeis organizing stuff and
rearranging stuff and trying toget order, we need to do this,
we need to do that.
I'm like, ok, what's going oninside that's causing all this
(15:48):
stress, that you want tomaintain order?
All right.
The second one is emotionalamplification.
Many women report feeling moreemotionally reactive when stress
crying at commercials, feelingheightened irritation at minor
inconveniences or evenexperiencing mood swings that
(16:08):
seem disconnected from currentcircumstances.
Now, if you're pregnant, that'sa whole nother story.
Or if you're on your monthly,hey, that's a whole nother story
.
But if it's stress from arelational or just stress period
, sometimes that emotionalamplification will be a symptom
or a way that that manifests inyour life, right.
And then the third one ishypervigilance about
(16:31):
relationship.
And what does that look like?
That's when a woman stresses,when her stress triggers
increased scanning forrelational threats or
relationship threats.
This might look like askingmore questions about your
whereabouts.
This may look like checkingsocial media more frequently to
try to see going on those socialmedia investigations right.
(16:54):
Or it could be just seekingfrequent reassurance about the
relationship.
Do you love me?
Do you really love me?
Are you just saying that?
Or they say what you love aboutme, what you come on,
something's going on.
You stressed about something,but, fellas, if they ask you
that, please answer, becausethen you're going to look like a
(17:14):
jerk and you don't want to dothat.
You don't want to do that.
And then fourth isself-criticism and body focus.
Many women they deal with theirstress, their relationship
stress, and they turn it intonegative self-assessment.
And if you notice your wifesuddenly criticizing her
appearance, her abilities or herworth, it could be I'm not
(17:36):
saying it always is, but itcould be a sign that she's
feeling disconnected or insecurein the relationship.
So you need to step it up andfigure out what's going on,
right?
I worked with this couple wherethe husband he complained that
his wife was becomingincreasingly controlling about
the house right, rearrangingfurniture excessively, cleaning,
(17:59):
getting upset when anything wasout of place.
Meanwhile, the wife complainedthat her husband was spending
too much time playing videogames.
I'm like, hold on, wait.
He complaining that you'redoing too much, you complain
that he's doing too much.
Like, okay, let's get to theroot of this.
And so we dug deeper and what wediscovered was that they were
(18:22):
both responding to the samestressor financial pressure.
She was.
She was feeling this, right.
He escaped into games where hecould feel powerful and in
control Right, because you know,shoot him up, bang, bang or
whatever the game is.
And then she controlled herenvironment because their
(18:43):
financial future felt unstable.
So she was trying to controlwhat she can control and he was
trying to control what he cancontrol.
His happened to be video games,hers happened to be the house
and cleaning and things likethat.
But once they recognize thereal issue, then they could
address it together instead ofattacking each other with their
(19:06):
own coping mechanisms, right?
And so here's something that Iwant you to try and I shared
that story to say this Insteadof reacting to your spouse's
stress behavior, how about youget curious about it when she
starts reorganizing the kitchencabinets at 11 o'clock at night?
You know, instead of saying youknow what I'm saying, instead
(19:26):
of saying, girl, what you doing,why are you doing this right
now, like I'm going to be real?
That's what I would say Insteadtry, hey, I notice you're
reorganizing things.
Is something feeling out ofcontrol in your world?
I'm just curious, so getcurious.
I'm just curious, so getcurious because, or for the
(19:59):
ladies, when he, when he getsunusually quiet and absorbed in
his phone after work, instead ofinstead of assuming that he's
ignoring you I'm not blaming,I'm just saying, instead of
assuming that he's ignoring you,how about you try just saying,
hey, you seem a little withdrawntonight.
Anything on your mind that Ican help you with, because my
wife, she should be.
Hey, babe, everything cool, allright, you're a little distance
.
I'm going to need some cuddles,baby.
(20:20):
And so all I'm saying is getcurious.
Because when we get curiousinstead of going into our
default pattern, and we getcurious instead, it will find
the root issue a lot quicker,because the key is recognizing
that your spouse's annoyingbehavior might actually be a
(20:41):
stress response rather than apersonal attack on you.
Okay, so stop planning tochange and start actually
changing or proving it today.
Okay, don't plan to get better.
Actually started, get curious.
Don't say you know what?
I want to start getting morecurious instead of fighting all
(21:01):
the time.
No, no, no, no, no.
Just do it, start doing it, dothe work.
That's why we call it that Dothe work, all right.
And so I want to share somethingthat transformed my
understanding of marriage likecompletely, and what that is is
that your nervous system isrunning your relationship more
(21:22):
than your conscious intentionsare.
That's what I learned.
I learned that our nervoussystem is running our
relationship more than yourconscious intentions are.
That's what I learned.
I learned that our nervoussystem is running our
relationship more than ourdecisions and our conscious
intentions are.
Because think about it, thinkabout the last big fight that
you had with your spouse right,or your partner.
I bet good money, good moneythat neither of you woke up that
(21:45):
morning thinking you know what,today would be a good day to
start a screaming match aboutloading the dishwasher.
I think.
I think that's what I'm a fightabout today.
Today seems like a good day tofind out why he load the
dishwasher wrong or why shedon't load the dishwasher at all
dishwasher wrong, or why shedon't load the dishwasher at all
(22:09):
.
But yet there you were fourhours later, one of you crying
in the bedroom while the otherone slamming doors or set stone,
cold silence, giving you thesilence treatment.
Right, because what happened?
Your nervous system hijackedyour best intentions.
You didn't intend on having ascreaming match, but your
nervous system was in that fight, flight or freeze mode and you
(22:30):
just it just popped off.
Right, Because when yournervous system perceives a
threat, which can be anythingfrom a harsh tone to a
dismissive look it, look, ittakes your prefrontal cortex,
the rational, thoughtful part ofyour brain, and it takes that,
it takes it completely offline.
(22:51):
And this is great when you'relike trying to outrun a dog or
something you know, but it'sterrible.
It is terrible when you'retrying to have a nuanced
conversation about the budget orabout your finances.
It's not, it's not good, allright.
And so I saw this play outdramatically with a couple that
(23:14):
I was working with and the, thehusband and this couple the
husband, which was a successfulbusinessman he was a church
elder which was a successfulbusinessman.
He was a church elder, he was,you know, generally reasonable
guy Would completely lose hisability to form coherent
sentences when his wife's, whenhis wife, brought up concerns
(23:39):
about their finances.
Like, he's a successfulbusinessman, he's a, he's a
spiritually mature person and helike.
But he would he startstuttering, you know, and he'll
get defensive, he interrupt herand he'll just shut down
completely.
And when we and so, as we'retalking about this and I'm
getting to know, I'm gettingsome background information, and
(24:02):
when we explored this reaction,what we discovered was that in
his childhood, money discussionsalways preceded his parents'
violent arguments Like that'swhat was the trigger in his home
between his parents was moneydiscussions.
Parents was money discussions.
And so his nervous system hadlearned that money talk equals
(24:28):
danger, right.
And he would automatically like, without even thinking, throw
himself into fight, flight orfreeze mode, like, look, I ain't
dealing with it because I amnot about to be like my parents
and go on whoops upside yourhead about no money that you
didn't spend, right.
And so understanding thischanged everything for them.
(24:49):
It wasn't that he didn't careabout her concerns, because he
did, but his brain was literallyincapable, do you hear me?
His brain was literallyincapable of engaging
productively when he wastriggered.
And the reason I share that isbecause I want to share four
(25:10):
practical tools forcommunicating when one or both
of you are triggered.
And so if you identify withthat story.
Your trigger may not befinances.
It may not be one of thestories that I'm sharing, but
I'm sharing these stories sothat you can see the pattern.
There's usually some type oftopic or situation that arises
(25:32):
that triggers you and yournervous system takes over and
your brain just stops working.
And so the four things that Iwant to share with you is the
first one is recognize and nameyour state.
Recognize and name your stateand that's just simply
acknowledging look, I'm feelingdefensive right now, or I notice
(25:53):
I'm getting a littleoverwhelmed right now so that
you can create enough distancefrom your emotions to prevent
automatic reactions.
So recognize it, name it, sothat you can create that
distance.
All right, because this namingprocess it actually helps shift
brain activity from the amygdala, where your emotions are, to
(26:16):
the prefrontal cortex, whereyou're thinking and reasoning is
Right.
And so you can try somethinglike saying I'm noticing I'm
getting triggered right now.
I need to have thisconversation, but I need a few
minutes to calm down first.
Right, there's nothing wrongwith that.
Knowing yourself, recognizingit is naming that state that
(26:39):
you're in is a great first step.
The second one is implementing atimeout protocol.
What does that look like?
That's basically establishing apredetermined signal or phrase
that either you that either ofyou could use.
It doesn't have to be just you,but either of you can use when
(27:00):
you need a pause.
This isn't about avoiding theconversation.
It's not about that at all.
It's about temporarily steppingaway to regulate your nervous
system so that you can returnand communicate effectively.
That's all you're trying to do,because my wife and I we use
the phrase I need to check thethermometer.
I know sounds crazy, but look,mind your business.
(27:23):
I know sounds crazy, but look,mind your business.
We use I need to check thethermometer as our code and it's
our way of saying my emotionaltemperature is getting a little
too high right now forproductive conversation, so I'm
going to go check thetemperature.
And the key the key is agreeingbeforehand.
It's a couple of things thatyou need to agree on beforehand.
(27:45):
Number one is how long thebreak will be.
You can't be taking a break fortwo days.
That ain't going to work.
Look, 20 minutes is typicallysufficient enough.
10, 20 minutes you should begood.
You don't need several days togo on binges.
You know just a couple ofminutes.
(28:06):
And then the second thing isyou need to determine what each
person will do during that time.
You're not going to go talk toyour girlfriend or call some
people or go search social media.
No, pray about it, take a walk,take some deep breath, because
your heart rates up whatever,but decide ahead of time what
(28:29):
you're going to be doing whenyou take that break, all right.
And then the third one is make acommitment to return to the
conversation when the time is up.
If you're going to agree on 20minutes, like, look, let's give
each other 20 minutes.
After that, 20 minutes up,we're going to come together,
we're going to commit to cometogether, right?
Once you agree on those thingsbeforehand, when you give your
code word and you take thatbreak, it runs a lot smoother
(28:53):
because I'm ready, you ready, no, I ain't ready, but I'm going
to tell you when I'm ready.
See, you're bickering.
You got to agree on thesethings.
When you have a level head,when you're not fighting and you
can just say how much time youthink you're going to need, all
right.
And so the third.
So that's the second thingTimeout protocol.
The third thing is use physicalregulation techniques because
(29:15):
your body and your brain areconnected.
I don't know if you know thisor not.
That big head of yours isconnected to your body with that
neck yours.
It's connected to your bodywith that net, and so physical
interventions can calm yournervous system when words alone
can't like get the job done orthey can't cut through the
emotional overwhelm, and so someeffective techniques could
(29:38):
include things like deepbreathing, you know, placing
your hand on your heart I see, Isee this a lot is when people
feel overwhelmed, when they needto take a break or when things
are just not going well.
They put their hand on theirheart and it kind of forces them
to take those deep breaths.
All right, splashing cold wateron your face you see that a lot
in movies too.
(29:58):
You like, look man, I need tosplash cold water on my face.
Brief physical exercise Do somejumping jacks, do some pushups,
whatever you got to do to getregulated right.
Or even progressive musclerelaxation.
You know, whatever works foryou, don't be doing the most and
being extra with it, but justfind something that works for
(30:21):
you you can knock out real quick, because I often teach couples
to sit facing each other duringconflicts and synchronize their
breathing, because the reasonwhy is because this creates what
neuroscientists callco-regulation, co-regulation,
which is the process by whichtwo nervous systems, you and
(30:44):
your partner.
They calm each other becauseyou're getting synchronized on
the same pattern.
And so, before you roll youreyes at me, because I can feel
you rolling your eyes, don't doit.
Yes, I know, I know how thissounds.
So don't even roll your eyes.
But when you're in the middleof a fight, so don't even roll
(31:30):
your eyes.
But when you're, then.
The fourth technique is a simpleXYZ.
This is my favorite one.
A lot of people that I sharethis with they say this is their
favorite one too.
And this, the XYZ formula, whenyou speak, when, when you, when
you come back, when you, if youtake your break, when you've
calmed down and you come backtogether, use the X Y Z formula.
(31:52):
And the X Y Z formula is simplywhen I, when X happens, I feel
Y and I need Z, x Y Z.
When X happens, I feel Y and Ineed Z, x Y Z.
When X happens, I feel Y and Ineed Z.
For example, when I come homeand I see dishes in the sink I
know this sounds personal, rightwhen I come home and I see
(32:14):
dishes in the sink.
X when I come home and seedishes in the sinks.
X I feel overwhelmed and underor unappreciated why?
So when I come home X and I seedishes in the sink, I feel
overwhelmed and unappreciatedwhy?
And I need 10 minutes todecompress and then some help
(32:41):
clear in the kitchen.
Z so you're identifying whathappened, you're taking
ownership on how you feel andthen you're giving them an
opportunity to help by tellingthem what you need.
Ok, and this approach, it's anatural observation rather than
(33:01):
an accusation.
That's why I love it.
It's an observation rather thanan accusation.
You're taking responsibilityfor your feelings and you're
clearly expressing a need ratherthan a complaint.
And that's that changeseverything, because you don't
want to keep nagging andcomplaining.
You want to to show a need forcompanionship.
Right, because I rememberteaching this to a couple who
(33:23):
were, um, constantly bickering.
I'm going to say it that waythey were constantly bickering.
And the and the husband he triedone night.
He was saying.
He said and the husband hetried one night.
He was saying.
He said, when you ask memultiple questions, right when I
walk in the door X I feelanxious and concerned why?
(33:47):
And I need 15 minutes totransition before we connect and
catch up.
Z and his wife's response waslike why didn't you say that
before?
I thought you didn't want totalk to me at all.
15 minutes, boy, go on, takeyour little 15 minutes, no big
deal.
Take them little 15 minutes,because she's not threatened
(34:11):
when you put it like that.
But when you come in like man,why you always ride me?
Man, just give me some room.
I just got through the door.
Why you asking me all thesequestions?
Who walked the bam?
You don't want to do that.
Nah, that's how you startfighting about if you even value
your wife and if you know howto schedule um doctor's
appointments, experience right.
(34:32):
So because, look, sometimes thesolution really can be that
simple.
It really can, but only if bothpeople's nervous systems are
regulated enough to hear eachother.
If your nervous system is outof whack or her nervous system
is out of whack, then you're notconnected.
(34:52):
There's no connection there andyou're just going to be talking
at each other instead of witheach other.
This is where intention meetsimplementation.
Not sometimes, not when it'sconvenient, not when it's easy,
but every day.
You have to do the work, youhave to be intentional, you have
(35:13):
to implement it.
That's the only way that you'regoing to see results is if you
do the work each day to make theconnection happens.
All right, because scriptureprovides powerful tools for
maintaining connection understress, but they're often
misunderstood or misapplied inmodern marriages.
(35:35):
Because let's look, let'sreclaim these three biblical
concepts that can transform yourrelationship.
Let's reclaim them, and thefirst one that I want to reclaim
is prayer as aneurosynchronization I know I'm
using these scientific words.
Hey, you need to pray, becausemost Christian couples pray
(36:00):
together occasionally, usuallybefore meals or at church.
They don't really pray likethey supposed to.
All right, and but but what?
But?
What would happen if you viewedprayer as a scientific tool for
reconnection?
Because research shows thatwhen people pray together, their
(36:23):
brainwaves literally align.
Why do you think we say agreein prayer?
Because your brainwaves align.
It's one of the most powerfulways to reestablish connection.
Try this when you feel tensionrising, before launching into
problem solving or debating orwhatever y'all do, when y'all
(36:45):
fight, take two or three minutesto pray together, not about
fixing the other person, because, let's just face it, that's
passive, aggressive spirituality, petty but authentically.
Share your heart with God ineach other's presence.
(37:07):
That's the key.
Share your heart to God, aboutthe situation, not about the
person, but do it in eachother's presence.
It's going to cause you toconnect with each other, because
one couple that I work with,they made a commitment to hold
hands and pray before anyserious discussion.
(37:29):
I thought that was dope,because the husband told me
later he was like it'simpossible to pray while holding
hands, while holding her hand,and still see her as my enemy.
It's impossible to pray whileholding her hand and still see
her as my enemy.
(37:50):
That's, that's phenomenal.
I'm like, dude for sure, let'shold hands.
You don't have to make it superdeep and spiritual, let's just
hold hands and pray for a fewminutes.
Second thing that we need toread, that the Bible shares with
us, that we need to reclaimit's a Sabbath, a Sabbath as a
(38:11):
nervous system reset.
Because I'm a firm believer inSabbath and our hyperactive
culture.
We've reduced Sabbath to achurch service, squeezed between
brunch and a football game.
Right, but the biblical conceptof Sabbath is a radical reset
(38:32):
of your nervous system.
God knew what he was doing whenhe said take a break.
Rest Sabbath literally means tostop, cut it out.
You know what I'm saying.
It's about intentionallyinterrupting the cycle of
productivity and performancethat keeps many modern marriages
(38:53):
in perpetual fight or flightmode.
Take a break, calm down andyour nervous system.
It gives your nervous systemtime to reset.
Because look, what if you andyour partner, you and your
spouse, created a weeklyrelationship Sabbath?
Harold, what's a relationshipSabbath?
I'm glad you asked what ify'all created a time, a period
(39:17):
of time, specifically designatedfor reconnection, without an
agenda, no problem solving, nologistical discussions, no
parenting debates, just being ineach other's presence?
This doesn't have to becomplicated, because I am not a
fan of complicated.
One couple I know who does thishas Sabbath Saturdays where
(39:43):
they spend the morning doingsomething enjoyable together,
before the day'sresponsibilities began.
They take time and they enjoytheir morning, their Saturday
mornings, together.
You know.
Another couple has has no phoneSundays where between 1 pm,
once they get out of church, and5 pm they turn off all devices
(40:06):
and they put them away and theyfocus on being together Without
digital distractions.
Right?
So those are some things.
Have a Sabbath, have arelationship Sabbath, whatever
works for you and your partner,you and your spouse, take that
and make it a sacred all right.
And then the third thing issubmission as mutual surrender
(40:31):
and not doormat theology, right,we ain't about that life.
I say that because few biblicalconcepts have been more misused
than submission.
It's been weaponized to silencewomen, to excuse abuse, to
preserve power and balancesbetween people.
(40:53):
But the Greek word forsubmission was a military term
that meant to arrange.
Under my understanding ofsubmission, being an officer in
the military and being submittedunder authority.
In the military, we don't justblindly follow people.
(41:18):
There is an arrange under aposition, yourself in support of
another.
When we submit to our leader,we are following, are carrying
out the leader's intent.
So that means we arepositioning ourselves to support
that leader, not be walked on,ran over or whatever, because
(41:43):
Ephesians 521 commands us tosubmit to one another out of
reverence for Christ.
Before it addresses husband andwives specifically, it says out
of reverence for Christ.
And this mutual submissioncreates a marriage where both
partners prioritize the other'swellbeing.
(42:05):
In practical terms, it lookslike this Listening to
understand before responding.
That's a big one.
Being willing to be influencedby your spouse's perspective.
Let them have a say why theyalways got to follow your
decisions.
They have ideas, they have abrain.
Let them follow it, whetherit's the wife with the husband
(42:28):
or the husband with the wife,however, but value your spouse's
perspective.
And then another one issacrificing your preferences for
the benefit of your partner,and it's both partners.
That shouldn't be like aone-sided thing.
You shouldn't be the one alwayssacrificing your preferences.
(42:50):
You should both have a mutuallove to be willing to sacrifice
each other's preferences for theother person's benefit.
Ok.
And then the last oneconsidering their needs as
important as your own, like,don't just acknowledge your
spouse's needs, but considerthem just as important as yours,
(43:11):
because they are important asyours, because they are Okay.
And that's what it means to tohave, um, some submission as a,
as as mutual surrender, okay.
And then, um, one husband that Icounseled had a completely and
this is no surprise to many ofyou listening he completely
(43:32):
misunderstood this concept.
He expected his wife to submitby agreeing with all his
decisions, like everything,while, while he made no effort
to understand her concerns Causehe was like her concerns aren't
valid she, she, my wife, sheneeds to do what I want her to
(43:53):
do and what I want to do, right.
And so when he reframedsubmission as mutual surrender,
their entire dynamic changed,because he began to truly listen
to her wisdom and she felt safeenough to support his
(44:13):
leadership.
Here's the key when youmutually submit with your spouse
I'm not saying that you got tobe a yes man or anything, but
when your wife feels heard andfeels understood and important
and taken seriously, then thatallows her to feel safe enough
(44:34):
to support your leadership.
Then that allows her to feelsafe enough to support your
leadership.
Look, I know from experience,when you value your wife's
wisdom and input, then she willtrust you in your leadership and
vice versa, all right.
So I want you to build systems,not just sentiments.
Your marriage deserves more thangood intentions.
It needs practicalimplementation.
(44:56):
That's why so much of the Dothe Work podcast is giving you
practical tools to actually dothe work.
We can talk about doing thework, we could talk about
theories of doing the work, butif you don't practically
implement systems into yourmarriage, into your
relationships, into your familyto make them better, then you're
just going to be talking, andnobody just want to be talking,
(45:17):
talking to be talking.
So here's the truth thattransformed my own marriage and
the marriages of couples thatI've, that I've worked with,
that I've counseled.
And here's the thing Perfectcommunication Isn't the goal.
It's not Perfect communicationis not the goal Perfect repair
(45:37):
is.
Remember that Perfectcommunication is not the goal.
Perfect repair is because everyrelationship experiences
disconnection.
I've never encountered arelationship that did not go
through some form ofdisconnection.
And every couple has arguments,they have misunderstandings and
(45:59):
moments of hurt.
But the couples who thrivearen't the ones who never fight,
because I believe if you don'tnever fight, you're crazy,
you're a psychopath.
But they're the ones who havelearned how to repair quickly
and thoroughly after a rupturehas happened.
So the goal is not to neverfight.
(46:22):
The goal is to be able torepair quickly and thoroughly
after a rupture has happened.
Because repair has fouressential components.
The first one is recognitionyou have to acknowledge that
disconnection has occurred.
The second one isresponsibility.
You have to take responsibilityor ownership of your
(46:46):
contribution.
Without but statements Don'ttake ownership, but you did Just
take responsibility andownership of your contribution.
And number three is remorseexpressing genuine sorrow for
the impact of your actions, likeif you own up to it but you're
(47:07):
not sorry about it, then it'snot, it's not really effective.
So you have to have genuineremorse and sorrow for what
you've done.
And then the fourth one isreconnection a tangible action
to resolve emotional connectionor restore emotional connection,
and this might look like this,so it might sound like hey, I
(47:32):
see that I hurt you when Idismiss your concerns about our
finances.
Recognition I got defensivebecause I feel inadequate in
that area.
But there's no but, but that'sno excuse for how I responded.
Responsibility I'm truly sorrythat I made you feel unheard.
(47:53):
Remorse sorry that I made youfeel unheard Remorse.
Would you be willing to sitwith me now so I can listen
without interrupting about ourfinances?
Reconnection you see how thosefour components reframes the
whole situation Recognize,responsibility, remorse and
(48:19):
reconnection.
Ok, the beauty of this approachis that it works in all
relationships with your spouse,with your children, on your job,
with your friends.
It's a universal formula forrestoring connection.
I do it with my kids in theclassroom, I do it with my
children at home.
I use it with my spouse, I useit on the job.
(48:41):
It works regardless, becauseeverybody deserves to be valued
and everyone wants connection onsome level.
Because less information andmore transformation.
That's where it is.
You need less information andmore transformation.
(49:01):
This is the heart of doing thework.
The heart of it.
It's less information and moretransformation.
That's going to always be mygoal.
That's going to always be why Igive you practical ways to do
the work.
Because what if your argumentsaren't a sign of your marriage
failing, but an invitation todeeper intimacy?
(49:25):
Because every conflict containsa hidden opportunity the chance
to understand each other on amore deeper level and connect
more authentically.
Each one, every conflictcontains that.
Because when you fight aboutdishes, schedules, in-laws,
(49:46):
finances, whatever behind thosesurface issues lies deeper
questions.
Questions like can I count onyou?
Questions like do you valuewhat I contribute?
Am I a priority in your life?
Will you be there when I needyou?
These are the things that aregoing.
These are the questions thatare behind some of those fights
(50:08):
that we have, because theseunspoken questions reveal our
deepest needs for security,significance and connection.
So I want you to remember you'renot arguing about the dishes.
You're arguing from a place ofdisconnection and connection
(50:29):
true, authentic, vulnerableconnection.
That's the antidote that yourmarriage is hungry for, because
when you feel that irritationrising the next time your spouse
leave the dishes in the sink Iknow I keep going back to the
dishes in the sink.
It's really a pet peeve of mine.
But listen, take a breath andask yourself what's really
(50:53):
happening here.
Am I feeling disconnected?
Am I feeling unappreciated?
Am I feeling unseen?
Then, instead of launching intocriticism, try saying hey, bae,
I'm feeling disconnected fromyou today.
Can we take a few minutes tocheck in with each other?
That'd be OK with you.
Simple as that.
(51:15):
That I promise you game changer, that single shift from arguing
about simple tasks toaddressing connection.
Look, that might just changeeverything in your relationship.
I'm not saying it will, but I'msaying it just might, because
(51:35):
legacy is built on dailydecisions, not occasional
declarations.
But your marriage isn't broken.
This is disconnected.
It's just disconnected, andconnection is something that we
can always rebuild.
We can always rebuild, we canalways rebuild connection,
(51:57):
because if you're disconnected,you just got to get reconnected.
Till next time, let's continueto do the work.
All right, welcome to Do the Work Podcast.
I'm your host, harold McGee Jr.
If this is your first time,welcome.
If you're coming back, welcomeas well.
And today we're talking aboutsomething that's hidden home for
about 99% of you right now, andthat's those ridiculous
arguments with your spouse thatstart over nothing but somehow
(00:22):
they end up feeling likeemotional Armageddon.
Am I the only one you know?
And so I'm not here to vent myfrustrations.
I'm here.
I'm here to help us All.
Right, based off myfrustrations.
I ain't going to lie.
They based off my frustrations.
But listen, last week I'mstanding in my kitchen, right,
(00:42):
and I'm staring at a sink fullof dishes that don't belong to
me.
I didn't put them there, okay,and blood is boiling, blood
pressure boiling, not going tolie.
And I had two choices, right?
First choice passive,aggressively stack the dishes
(01:03):
even higher than they alreadyare, because that pettiness,
anointing is real sometimes,right?
Or I could start an argumentthat would somehow end up with
me debating whether I even valuemy wife or not, right?
Do I value her at all?
And so I wish I could tell youthat I chose the mature option,
(01:26):
right?
But let's just say we ended uphaving a spirited discussion.
There wasn't no furnituremoving, but hey, it was very
spirited and it was aboutrespect, consideration and
somehow I don't know how, butsomehow my inability to schedule
dentist appointments correctly.
(01:47):
I was like what?
Which had absolutely nothing todo with the dishes.
I'm like, come on, does thissound familiar?
Am I the only one?
Does this sound familiar to youlistening or watching?
So in that moment where you'rearguing about something so small
but suddenly everything in yourmarriage feels on the line, I'm
(02:09):
like come on now, and here'sthe truth.
You're never actually fightingabout the dishes.
That's what I'm talking about.
You're never fighting about thedishes.
You're never fighting aboutsocks or your tone of voice or
you forgetting to switch out thedishwasher.
(02:29):
You're not fighting about thosethings.
You're fighting from a place ofdisconnection.
And understanding this isn'tjust helpful, and what I mean by
this?
I mean the place ofdisconnection.
Understanding this is not justhelpful.
It can literally, it might justsave your marriage or
relationship.
I've seen it happen over andover.
(02:51):
Okay, so let's do the work.
All right, let's jump into this.
And first thing I want to talkabout is I want to say is that
in the military, we have thissaying, and the saying is the
map is not the territory.
The map is not the territory.
And what you see on paper neverfully captures what's happening
(03:15):
on the ground.
Because marriage is the sameway.
And what I mean by that is likewe can do a map recon and we
can point out things on the mapand how it looks on paper and
the different things that we mayencounter on paper, but that
never fully gives us the realpicture of what we're coming up
against in the territory.
(03:36):
All right, and so the samething applies in our marriage.
Marriage is exactly like that,because the invisible, the
visible arguments what you saythat you're fighting about.
That's just the map, that'sjust the map.
The territory, however, that'sthe invisible emotional
landscape that's underneath it.
(03:57):
And so, after several yearsover 50, I've been in the
military, over 15 years, youknow military service, teaching
students, counseling couples,plus making plenty of my own
relationship mistakes I can tellyou with absolute certainty
that those surface issues arenever the real problem.
(04:21):
Anybody who's been in any typeof relationship more than a few
years, or even sometimes a fewmonths, they will let you know
that those surface, the thingsthat you're fighting about, are
never the things that you'reactually fighting about.
And let me give you an example.
So there there's this couple,will and Jamie, right, and they
(04:42):
came to me convinced that theywere failing in their marriage
and falling apart because theycouldn't agree on how to
discipline their kids.
All right, he was too strict,she was too lenient Classic
Right.
But when we dug deeper wediscovered something fascinating
(05:05):
.
His strictness came fromgrowing up with an alcoholic
father who provided no structurewhatsoever, and her leniency it
stemmed from parents who wereemotionally cold towards her,
but they were rigidly enforcedthe rules.
They were on her all the timeabout enforcing the rules.
(05:27):
And they weren't the couple,they weren't actually
disagreeing about parenting.
What we realized was they werereacting from unhealed places in
their own stories and they weretriggering each other's deepest
fears without even realizing it.
And because your brain thishappens because your brains, our
(05:50):
brains primary job.
It has one job and that's tokeep us alive.
That's the primary job of thebrain, is to keep us alive.
And here's the wild part.
Your brain processesrelationships, threat, the same
way it processes physical ones.
Because when your spouse sighsheavily at something that you
(06:11):
said or uses that tone that youknow, that tone and your nervous
system doesn't distinguish thisfrom the physical attack, right
, and so your brain goes intodanger, danger, red alert, red
alert like hey, red flags, likewe're about to set it off, it's
up up in here and so it fires upyour threat response.
(06:35):
And that happens whether thethreat is physical or emotional
or relational.
And so this manifests the threeprimary and three primary ways.
And you know the three waysfight, flight or freeze.
If it's in fight mode, youbecome argumentative and
defensive or critical.
If you're in a flight mode, youwithdraw emotionally, you avoid
(06:59):
conflict, or are you physically, leave the situation and then
freeze is.
That's when you're shuttingdown, you're going silent, you
become stuck, so to say, and youknow the kicker.
You know what the kicker is.
Most of us have a defaultpattern that we've been running
our entire lives, and we usuallymarry someone with a
(07:26):
complimentary pattern or anopposite pattern.
That creates this destructivedance that I like to call, and
the dance is she criticizes,which is fight, he withdraws,
which is flight, she pursuesharder, more fight, he shuts
down completely, freeze, andthen she gives up, freeze again,
(07:50):
and then he tries to fix thesituation right, which is back
to fight.
And so we keep going in thiscycle over and over, and one
couple I work with they callthis their tornado.
They were like we keep going onthis tornado.
Every time it's just like atornado.
And I thought, wow, that'sperfect, because these cycles
(08:11):
spin faster and moredestructively over time if
they're not interrupted orstopped right.
And so the man back to the storythat I was telling you the man
had grown up with an explosivefather, so he learned early that
the safest response to conflictwas to disappear, because he
(08:32):
wasn't trying to get them handslaid on him, he wasn't trying to
get yelled at and beat on.
So that's a classic flightresponse.
But his wife, she had grown upwith a mother who gave everyone
the silent treatment for dayslike freeze, like the classic
freeze response.
And so she learned that you hadto push, you had to push hard
(08:55):
to get any emotional response,which is a fight response, right
.
So he learned to flight and shelearned to fight.
They don't know this, butthat's their default pattern,
right.
And so when you put themtogether, you have a
relationship where her biggestfear is abandonment and it
(09:18):
triggers his default responseWithdraw, which then triggers
her default response Pursue,which further triggers him
because he's like look, I'mtrying to lean back and give you
some space and you keep comingat me and I'm trying not to do
anything.
But you keep coming at me andshe's thinking you keep
withdrawing.
(09:38):
So I got to keep coming becauseyou you're going to abandon me.
I don't want you to abandon me.
So I got to keep pushing, I gotto keep pursuing, and it's like
a relational version ofNewton's third law right, for
every action there's an equaland opposite reaction, except in
marriage.
The reaction keeps amplifyinguntil you're fighting about
(09:59):
whether Jesus will load thedishwasher from the front to the
back or from the back to thefront.
And if you know, you always gofrom the back to the front.
I'm just saying that's just howI learn and I think that's how
Jesus would load the dishwasher.
But listen, if you're feelingpersonally attacked right now,
(10:20):
that is good.
That means that I'm on theright track, that means you can
relate, that means this episodeis going to mean something to
somebody.
And the gap, so the gap betweenknowing and doing is where most
relationships die.
Let me say that again.
The gap between knowing anddoing is where most
(10:41):
relationships die.
And today we're closing thatgap because we don't.
I don't want your relationshipto die and I hope you don't want
your relationship to die either, right?
So one of the most fascinatingaspects of relationship stress
is how differently men and womentend to express it.
(11:02):
Right and there, uh, there arenand there aren't absolute rules
.
So when it comes to how menexpress things and how women, I
hesitate sometimes giving theseobservations because some people
are like, well, I don't do that.
Does that mean that I'm notexpressing my frustration?
Look, these are looseobservations that I've noticed
(11:22):
in most people.
There's always anomalies.
There's always anomalies.
There's always differentpersonalities.
There's always different waysthat people do it.
But I've seen plenty ofexceptions.
Okay, but understanding thesepatterns can help you and help
us recognize when our spouse isstressed.
Right, even when they don't sayit directly, it is still help
(11:44):
you notice or identify.
Ok, they, they might bestressed.
All right.
So let's start with the men,all right.
So for men, stress typicallyshows up first as increased
irritability or anger.
I know that that's for me.
I'm not going to even lie.
When a guy, when a guy snaps athis kids over small infractions
or get disproportionatelyfrustrated at traffic, it's
(12:10):
often not about the things thathe's mad at.
It's not about those things atall.
It's usually stress from work,stress from finances, stress
from relationship, concernsexpressing and they're
expressing themselves or itselfsideways.
It's like, dude, you actingcrazy, like what's going on, but
if you don't know to look forthat, then you just think
(12:31):
there's some jerks right.
The second way is withdrawal andsilence.
Men tend to retreat whenoverwhelmed.
This isn't necessarily aboutavoiding you.
This isn't necessarily aboutavoiding you.
It's about avoiding theintensity of emotions that
they're experiencing.
And one, as one husband told me.
(12:52):
He says he's like man Harold, Igo silent because I don't trust
what will come out of my mouthwhen I'm this angry with her and
I'm like, do I get it?
I get it.
Sometimes you just got to takea break.
But one of the ways that weexpress that stress shows up is
(13:12):
withdrawal and silence.
A third way is that increasedfocus on leisure activities.
What does that look like?
The stereotype of men likegolfing, gaming or watching
sports, instead of dealing withtheir relationship issues.
That exists for a reasonbecause these activities provide
a predictable environment wherethey feel competent and in
(13:35):
control, which is, believe it ornot, the exact opposite of how
they might feel in a relationalconflict.
Right.
And then finally, you have thephysical symptoms, because you
know we can't leave out thephysical symptoms, and the
physical symptoms are thingslike headaches, back pain,
(13:56):
digestive issues, sleepdisturbances often appear in men
who are experiencing chronicrelationship stress.
All right, our bodies absorbwhat we're, what our words
refuse or don't express.
Okay, and when I was, when I wasa teenager, I was going through
it with this girl at school.
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We're not going to mention hername, so so I would lay in bed
all day when I got home and I'lljust be laying down, sleeping,
napping, thinking, staring,whatever, and my older cousin
would see me and he'd be like,oh, you got girl problems with
cuz.
And because he was like that'sthe main reason, a dude will be
(14:39):
laying around, like you doing.
And I used to think like forreal, like, is it that obvious?
Like you doing, and I used tothink like for real, like, is it
that obvious?
But it was my body expressingmy teenage relational stress due
to that puppy love.
That puppy love had a brotherstressed out, you know.
And so those are some ways thatmen express stress in our lives
(15:02):
.
But for women, stress tends tomanifest itself a little bit
differently, and some of this Itook from women that I observed,
but a lot of it from my wifewhen she gets stressed out,
right.
And so first I noticed anincreased tension to control and
order, right.
And that looks like when awoman suddenly becomes
(15:26):
hyper-focused on having a cleanhouse or sticking to schedules,
it might be her way of creatingexternal order to compensate for
the internal chaos.
And I'm like, baby, if my wifeis organizing stuff and
rearranging stuff and trying toget order, we need to do this,
we need to do that.
I'm like, ok, what's going oninside that's causing all this
(15:48):
stress, that you want tomaintain order?
All right.
The second one is emotionalamplification.
Many women report feeling moreemotionally reactive when stress
crying at commercials, feelingheightened irritation at minor
inconveniences or evenexperiencing mood swings that
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seem disconnected from currentcircumstances.
Now, if you're pregnant, that'sa whole nother story.
Or if you're on your monthly,hey, that's a whole nother story
.
But if it's stress from arelational or just stress period
, sometimes that emotionalamplification will be a symptom
or a way that that manifests inyour life, right.
And then the third one ishypervigilance about
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relationship.
And what does that look like?
That's when a woman stresses,when her stress triggers
increased scanning forrelational threats or
relationship threats.
This might look like askingmore questions about your
whereabouts.
This may look like checkingsocial media more frequently to
try to see going on those socialmedia investigations right.
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Or it could be just seekingfrequent reassurance about the
relationship.
Do you love me?
Do you really love me?
Are you just saying that?
Or they say what you love aboutme, what you come on,
something's going on.
You stressed about something,but, fellas, if they ask you
that, please answer, becausethen you're going to look like a
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jerk and you don't want to dothat.
You don't want to do that.
And then fourth isself-criticism and body focus.
Many women they deal with theirstress, their relationship
stress, and they turn it intonegative self-assessment.
And if you notice your wifesuddenly criticizing her
appearance, her abilities or herworth, it could be I'm not
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saying it always is, but itcould be a sign that she's
feeling disconnected or insecurein the relationship.
So you need to step it up andfigure out what's going on,
right?
I worked with this couple wherethe husband he complained that
his wife was becomingincreasingly controlling about
the house right, rearrangingfurniture excessively, cleaning,
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getting upset when anything wasout of place.
Meanwhile, the wife complainedthat her husband was spending
too much time playing videogames.
I'm like, hold on, wait.
He complaining that you'redoing too much, you complain
that he's doing too much.
Like, okay, let's get to theroot of this.
And so we dug deeper and what wediscovered was that they were
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both responding to the samestressor financial pressure.
She was.
She was feeling this, right.
He escaped into games where hecould feel powerful and in
control Right, because you know,shoot him up, bang, bang or
whatever the game is.
And then she controlled herenvironment because their
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financial future felt unstable.
So she was trying to controlwhat she can control and he was
trying to control what he cancontrol.
His happened to be video games,hers happened to be the house
and cleaning and things likethat.
But once they recognize thereal issue, then they could
address it together instead ofattacking each other with their
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own coping mechanisms, right?
And so here's something that Iwant you to try and I shared
that story to say this Insteadof reacting to your spouse's
stress behavior, how about youget curious about it when she
starts reorganizing the kitchencabinets at 11 o'clock at night?
You know, instead of saying youknow what I'm saying, instead
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of saying, girl, what you doing,why are you doing this right
now, like I'm going to be real?
That's what I would say Insteadtry, hey, I notice you're
reorganizing things.
Is something feeling out ofcontrol in your world?
I'm just curious, so getcurious.
I'm just curious, so getcurious because, or for the
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ladies, when he, when he getsunusually quiet and absorbed in
his phone after work, instead ofinstead of assuming that he's
ignoring you I'm not blaming,I'm just saying, instead of
assuming that he's ignoring you,how about you try just saying,
hey, you seem a little withdrawntonight.
Anything on your mind that Ican help you with, because my
wife, she should be.
Hey, babe, everything cool, allright, you're a little distance
.
I'm going to need some cuddles,baby.
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And so all I'm saying is getcurious.
Because when we get curiousinstead of going into our
default pattern, and we getcurious instead, it will find
the root issue a lot quicker,because the key is recognizing
that your spouse's annoyingbehavior might actually be a
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stress response rather than apersonal attack on you.
Okay, so stop planning tochange and start actually
changing or proving it today.
Okay, don't plan to get better.
Actually started, get curious.
Don't say you know what?
I want to start getting morecurious instead of fighting all
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the time.
No, no, no, no, no.
Just do it, start doing it, dothe work.
That's why we call it that Dothe work, all right.
And so I want to share somethingthat transformed my
understanding of marriage likecompletely, and what that is is
that your nervous system isrunning your relationship more
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than your conscious intentionsare.
That's what I learned.
I learned that our nervoussystem is running our
relationship more than yourconscious intentions are.
That's what I learned.
I learned that our nervoussystem is running our
relationship more than ourdecisions and our conscious
intentions are.
Because think about it, thinkabout the last big fight that
you had with your spouse right,or your partner.
I bet good money, good moneythat neither of you woke up that
(21:45):
morning thinking you know what,today would be a good day to
start a screaming match aboutloading the dishwasher.
I think.
I think that's what I'm a fightabout today.
Today seems like a good day tofind out why he load the
dishwasher wrong or why shedon't load the dishwasher at all
dishwasher wrong, or why shedon't load the dishwasher at all
(22:09):
.
But yet there you were fourhours later, one of you crying
in the bedroom while the otherone slamming doors or set stone,
cold silence, giving you thesilence treatment.
Right, because what happened?
Your nervous system hijackedyour best intentions.
You didn't intend on having ascreaming match, but your
nervous system was in that fight, flight or freeze mode and you
(22:30):
just it just popped off.
Right, Because when yournervous system perceives a
threat, which can be anythingfrom a harsh tone to a
dismissive look it, look, ittakes your prefrontal cortex,
the rational, thoughtful part ofyour brain, and it takes that,
it takes it completely offline.
(22:51):
And this is great when you'relike trying to outrun a dog or
something you know, but it'sterrible.
It is terrible when you'retrying to have a nuanced
conversation about the budget orabout your finances.
It's not, it's not good, allright.
And so I saw this play outdramatically with a couple that
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I was working with and the, thehusband and this couple the
husband, which was a successfulbusinessman he was a church
elder which was a successfulbusinessman.
He was a church elder, he was,you know, generally reasonable
guy Would completely lose hisability to form coherent
sentences when his wife's, whenhis wife, brought up concerns
(23:39):
about their finances.
Like, he's a successfulbusinessman, he's a, he's a
spiritually mature person and helike.
But he would he startstuttering, you know, and he'll
get defensive, he interrupt herand he'll just shut down
completely.
And when we and so, as we'retalking about this and I'm
getting to know, I'm gettingsome background information, and
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when we explored this reaction,what we discovered was that in
his childhood, money discussionsalways preceded his parents'
violent arguments Like that'swhat was the trigger in his home
between his parents was moneydiscussions.
Parents was money discussions.
And so his nervous system hadlearned that money talk equals
(24:28):
danger, right.
And he would automatically like, without even thinking, throw
himself into fight, flight orfreeze mode, like, look, I ain't
dealing with it because I amnot about to be like my parents
and go on whoops upside yourhead about no money that you
didn't spend, right.
And so understanding thischanged everything for them.
(24:49):
It wasn't that he didn't careabout her concerns, because he
did, but his brain was literallyincapable, do you hear me?
His brain was literallyincapable of engaging
productively when he wastriggered.
And the reason I share that isbecause I want to share four
(25:10):
practical tools forcommunicating when one or both
of you are triggered.
And so if you identify withthat story.
Your trigger may not befinances.
It may not be one of thestories that I'm sharing, but
I'm sharing these stories sothat you can see the pattern.
There's usually some type oftopic or situation that arises
(25:32):
that triggers you and yournervous system takes over and
your brain just stops working.
And so the four things that Iwant to share with you is the
first one is recognize and nameyour state.
Recognize and name your stateand that's just simply
acknowledging look, I'm feelingdefensive right now, or I notice
(25:53):
I'm getting a littleoverwhelmed right now so that
you can create enough distancefrom your emotions to prevent
automatic reactions.
So recognize it, name it, sothat you can create that
distance.
All right, because this namingprocess it actually helps shift
brain activity from the amygdala, where your emotions are, to
(26:16):
the prefrontal cortex, whereyou're thinking and reasoning is
Right.
And so you can try somethinglike saying I'm noticing I'm
getting triggered right now.
I need to have thisconversation, but I need a few
minutes to calm down first.
Right, there's nothing wrongwith that.
Knowing yourself, recognizingit is naming that state that
(26:39):
you're in is a great first step.
The second one is implementing atimeout protocol.
What does that look like?
That's basically establishing apredetermined signal or phrase
that either you that either ofyou could use.
It doesn't have to be just you,but either of you can use when
(27:00):
you need a pause.
This isn't about avoiding theconversation.
It's not about that at all.
It's about temporarily steppingaway to regulate your nervous
system so that you can returnand communicate effectively.
That's all you're trying to do,because my wife and I we use
the phrase I need to check thethermometer.
I know sounds crazy, but look,mind your business.
(27:23):
I know sounds crazy, but look,mind your business.
We use I need to check thethermometer as our code and it's
our way of saying my emotionaltemperature is getting a little
too high right now forproductive conversation, so I'm
going to go check thetemperature.
And the key the key is agreeingbeforehand.
It's a couple of things thatyou need to agree on beforehand.
(27:45):
Number one is how long thebreak will be.
You can't be taking a break fortwo days.
That ain't going to work.
Look, 20 minutes is typicallysufficient enough.
10, 20 minutes you should begood.
You don't need several days togo on binges.
You know just a couple ofminutes.
(28:06):
And then the second thing isyou need to determine what each
person will do during that time.
You're not going to go talk toyour girlfriend or call some
people or go search social media.
No, pray about it, take a walk,take some deep breath, because
your heart rates up whatever,but decide ahead of time what
(28:29):
you're going to be doing whenyou take that break, all right.
And then the third one is make acommitment to return to the
conversation when the time is up.
If you're going to agree on 20minutes, like, look, let's give
each other 20 minutes.
After that, 20 minutes up,we're going to come together,
we're going to commit to cometogether, right?
Once you agree on those thingsbeforehand, when you give your
code word and you take thatbreak, it runs a lot smoother
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because I'm ready, you ready, no, I ain't ready, but I'm going
to tell you when I'm ready.
See, you're bickering.
You got to agree on thesethings.
When you have a level head,when you're not fighting and you
can just say how much time youthink you're going to need, all
right.
And so the third.
So that's the second thingTimeout protocol.
The third thing is use physicalregulation techniques because
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your body and your brain areconnected.
I don't know if you know thisor not.
That big head of yours isconnected to your body with that
neck yours.
It's connected to your bodywith that net, and so physical
interventions can calm yournervous system when words alone
can't like get the job done orthey can't cut through the
emotional overwhelm, and so someeffective techniques could
(29:38):
include things like deepbreathing, you know, placing
your hand on your heart I see, Isee this a lot is when people
feel overwhelmed, when they needto take a break or when things
are just not going well.
They put their hand on theirheart and it kind of forces them
to take those deep breaths.
All right, splashing cold wateron your face you see that a lot
in movies too.
(29:58):
You like, look man, I need tosplash cold water on my face.
Brief physical exercise Do somejumping jacks, do some pushups,
whatever you got to do to getregulated right.
Or even progressive musclerelaxation.
You know, whatever works foryou, don't be doing the most and
being extra with it, but justfind something that works for
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you you can knock out real quick, because I often teach couples
to sit facing each other duringconflicts and synchronize their
breathing, because the reasonwhy is because this creates what
neuroscientists callco-regulation, co-regulation,
which is the process by whichtwo nervous systems, you and
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your partner.
They calm each other becauseyou're getting synchronized on
the same pattern.
And so, before you roll youreyes at me, because I can feel
you rolling your eyes, don't doit.
Yes, I know, I know how thissounds.
So don't even roll your eyes.
But when you're in the middleof a fight, so don't even roll
(31:30):
your eyes.
But when you're, then.
The fourth technique is a simpleXYZ.
This is my favorite one.
A lot of people that I sharethis with they say this is their
favorite one too.
And this, the XYZ formula, whenyou speak, when, when you, when
you come back, when you, if youtake your break, when you've
calmed down and you come backtogether, use the X Y Z formula.
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And the X Y Z formula is simplywhen I, when X happens, I feel
Y and I need Z, x Y Z.
When X happens, I feel Y and Ineed Z, x Y Z.
When X happens, I feel Y and Ineed Z.
For example, when I come homeand I see dishes in the sink I
know this sounds personal, rightwhen I come home and I see
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dishes in the sink.
X when I come home and seedishes in the sinks.
X I feel overwhelmed and underor unappreciated why?
So when I come home X and I seedishes in the sink, I feel
overwhelmed and unappreciatedwhy?
And I need 10 minutes todecompress and then some help
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clear in the kitchen.
Z so you're identifying whathappened, you're taking
ownership on how you feel andthen you're giving them an
opportunity to help by tellingthem what you need.
Ok, and this approach, it's anatural observation rather than
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an accusation.
That's why I love it.
It's an observation rather thanan accusation.
You're taking responsibilityfor your feelings and you're
clearly expressing a need ratherthan a complaint.
And that's that changeseverything, because you don't
want to keep nagging andcomplaining.
You want to to show a need forcompanionship.
Right, because I rememberteaching this to a couple who
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were, um, constantly bickering.
I'm going to say it that waythey were constantly bickering.
And the and the husband he triedone night.
He was saying.
He said and the husband hetried one night.
He was saying.
He said, when you ask memultiple questions, right when I
walk in the door X I feelanxious and concerned why?
(33:47):
And I need 15 minutes totransition before we connect and
catch up.
Z and his wife's response waslike why didn't you say that
before?
I thought you didn't want totalk to me at all.
15 minutes, boy, go on, takeyour little 15 minutes, no big
deal.
Take them little 15 minutes,because she's not threatened
(34:11):
when you put it like that.
But when you come in like man,why you always ride me?
Man, just give me some room.
I just got through the door.
Why you asking me all thesequestions?
Who walked the bam?
You don't want to do that.
Nah, that's how you startfighting about if you even value
your wife and if you know howto schedule um doctor's
appointments, experience right.
(34:32):
So because, look, sometimes thesolution really can be that
simple.
It really can, but only if bothpeople's nervous systems are
regulated enough to hear eachother.
If your nervous system is outof whack or her nervous system
is out of whack, then you're notconnected.
(34:52):
There's no connection there andyou're just going to be talking
at each other instead of witheach other.
This is where intention meetsimplementation.
Not sometimes, not when it'sconvenient, not when it's easy,
but every day.
You have to do the work, youhave to be intentional, you have
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to implement it.
That's the only way that you'regoing to see results is if you
do the work each day to make theconnection happens.
All right, because scriptureprovides powerful tools for
maintaining connection understress, but they're often
misunderstood or misapplied inmodern marriages.
(35:35):
Because let's look, let'sreclaim these three biblical
concepts that can transform yourrelationship.
Let's reclaim them, and thefirst one that I want to reclaim
is prayer as aneurosynchronization I know I'm
using these scientific words.
Hey, you need to pray, becausemost Christian couples pray
(36:00):
together occasionally, usuallybefore meals or at church.
They don't really pray likethey supposed to.
All right, and but but what?
But?
What would happen if you viewedprayer as a scientific tool for
reconnection?
Because research shows thatwhen people pray together, their
(36:23):
brainwaves literally align.
Why do you think we say agreein prayer?
Because your brainwaves align.
It's one of the most powerfulways to reestablish connection.
Try this when you feel tensionrising, before launching into
problem solving or debating orwhatever y'all do, when y'all
(36:45):
fight, take two or three minutesto pray together, not about
fixing the other person, because, let's just face it, that's
passive, aggressive spirituality, petty but authentically.
Share your heart with God ineach other's presence.
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That's the key.
Share your heart to God, aboutthe situation, not about the
person, but do it in eachother's presence.
It's going to cause you toconnect with each other, because
one couple that I work with,they made a commitment to hold
hands and pray before anyserious discussion.
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I thought that was dope,because the husband told me
later he was like it'simpossible to pray while holding
hands, while holding her hand,and still see her as my enemy.
It's impossible to pray whileholding her hand and still see
her as my enemy.
(37:50):
That's, that's phenomenal.
I'm like, dude for sure, let'shold hands.
You don't have to make it superdeep and spiritual, let's just
hold hands and pray for a fewminutes.
Second thing that we need toread, that the Bible shares with
us, that we need to reclaimit's a Sabbath, a Sabbath as a
(38:11):
nervous system reset.
Because I'm a firm believer inSabbath and our hyperactive
culture.
We've reduced Sabbath to achurch service, squeezed between
brunch and a football game.
Right, but the biblical conceptof Sabbath is a radical reset
(38:32):
of your nervous system.
God knew what he was doing whenhe said take a break.
Rest Sabbath literally means tostop, cut it out.
You know what I'm saying.
It's about intentionallyinterrupting the cycle of
productivity and performancethat keeps many modern marriages
(38:53):
in perpetual fight or flightmode.
Take a break, calm down andyour nervous system.
It gives your nervous systemtime to reset.
Because look, what if you andyour partner, you and your
spouse, created a weeklyrelationship Sabbath?
Harold, what's a relationshipSabbath?
I'm glad you asked what ify'all created a time, a period
(39:17):
of time, specifically designatedfor reconnection, without an
agenda, no problem solving, nologistical discussions, no
parenting debates, just being ineach other's presence?
This doesn't have to becomplicated, because I am not a
fan of complicated.
One couple I know who does thishas Sabbath Saturdays where
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they spend the morning doingsomething enjoyable together,
before the day'sresponsibilities began.
They take time and they enjoytheir morning, their Saturday
mornings, together.
You know.
Another couple has has no phoneSundays where between 1 pm,
once they get out of church, and5 pm they turn off all devices
(40:06):
and they put them away and theyfocus on being together Without
digital distractions.
Right?
So those are some things.
Have a Sabbath, have arelationship Sabbath, whatever
works for you and your partner,you and your spouse, take that
and make it a sacred all right.
And then the third thing issubmission as mutual surrender
(40:31):
and not doormat theology, right,we ain't about that life.
I say that because few biblicalconcepts have been more misused
than submission.
It's been weaponized to silencewomen, to excuse abuse, to
preserve power and balancesbetween people.
(40:53):
But the Greek word forsubmission was a military term
that meant to arrange.
Under my understanding ofsubmission, being an officer in
the military and being submittedunder authority.
In the military, we don't justblindly follow people.
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There is an arrange under aposition, yourself in support of
another.
When we submit to our leader,we are following, are carrying
out the leader's intent.
So that means we arepositioning ourselves to support
that leader, not be walked on,ran over or whatever, because
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Ephesians 521 commands us tosubmit to one another out of
reverence for Christ.
Before it addresses husband andwives specifically, it says out
of reverence for Christ.
And this mutual submissioncreates a marriage where both
partners prioritize the other'swellbeing.
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In practical terms, it lookslike this Listening to
understand before responding.
That's a big one.
Being willing to be influencedby your spouse's perspective.
Let them have a say why theyalways got to follow your
decisions.
They have ideas, they have abrain.
Let them follow it, whetherit's the wife with the husband
(42:28):
or the husband with the wife,however, but value your spouse's
perspective.
And then another one issacrificing your preferences for
the benefit of your partner,and it's both partners.
That shouldn't be like aone-sided thing.
You shouldn't be the one alwayssacrificing your preferences.
(42:50):
You should both have a mutuallove to be willing to sacrifice
each other's preferences for theother person's benefit.
Ok.
And then the last oneconsidering their needs as
important as your own, like,don't just acknowledge your
spouse's needs, but considerthem just as important as yours,
(43:11):
because they are important asyours, because they are Okay.
And that's what it means to tohave, um, some submission as a,
as as mutual surrender, okay.
And then, um, one husband that Icounseled had a completely and
this is no surprise to many ofyou listening he completely
(43:32):
misunderstood this concept.
He expected his wife to submitby agreeing with all his
decisions, like everything,while, while he made no effort
to understand her concerns Causehe was like her concerns aren't
valid she, she, my wife, sheneeds to do what I want her to
(43:53):
do and what I want to do, right.
And so when he reframedsubmission as mutual surrender,
their entire dynamic changed,because he began to truly listen
to her wisdom and she felt safeenough to support his
(44:13):
leadership.
Here's the key when youmutually submit with your spouse
I'm not saying that you got tobe a yes man or anything, but
when your wife feels heard andfeels understood and important
and taken seriously, then thatallows her to feel safe enough
(44:34):
to support your leadership.
Then that allows her to feelsafe enough to support your
leadership.
Look, I know from experience,when you value your wife's
wisdom and input, then she willtrust you in your leadership and
vice versa, all right.
So I want you to build systems,not just sentiments.
Your marriage deserves more thangood intentions.
It needs practicalimplementation.
(44:56):
That's why so much of the Dothe Work podcast is giving you
practical tools to actually dothe work.
We can talk about doing thework, we could talk about
theories of doing the work, butif you don't practically
implement systems into yourmarriage, into your
relationships, into your familyto make them better, then you're
just going to be talking, andnobody just want to be talking,
(45:17):
talking to be talking.
So here's the truth thattransformed my own marriage and
the marriages of couples thatI've, that I've worked with,
that I've counseled.
And here's the thing Perfectcommunication Isn't the goal.
It's not Perfect communicationis not the goal Perfect repair
(45:37):
is.
Remember that Perfectcommunication is not the goal.
Perfect repair is because everyrelationship experiences
disconnection.
I've never encountered arelationship that did not go
through some form ofdisconnection.
And every couple has arguments,they have misunderstandings and
(45:59):
moments of hurt.
But the couples who thrivearen't the ones who never fight,
because I believe if you don'tnever fight, you're crazy,
you're a psychopath.
But they're the ones who havelearned how to repair quickly
and thoroughly after a rupturehas happened.
So the goal is not to neverfight.
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The goal is to be able torepair quickly and thoroughly
after a rupture has happened.
Because repair has fouressential components.
The first one is recognitionyou have to acknowledge that
disconnection has occurred.
The second one isresponsibility.
You have to take responsibilityor ownership of your
(46:46):
contribution.
Without but statements Don'ttake ownership, but you did Just
take responsibility andownership of your contribution.
And number three is remorseexpressing genuine sorrow for
the impact of your actions, likeif you own up to it but you're
(47:07):
not sorry about it, then it'snot, it's not really effective.
So you have to have genuineremorse and sorrow for what
you've done.
And then the fourth one isreconnection a tangible action
to resolve emotional connectionor restore emotional connection,
and this might look like this,so it might sound like hey, I
(47:32):
see that I hurt you when Idismiss your concerns about our
finances.
Recognition I got defensivebecause I feel inadequate in
that area.
But there's no but, but that'sno excuse for how I responded.
Responsibility I'm truly sorrythat I made you feel unheard.
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Remorse sorry that I made youfeel unheard Remorse.
Would you be willing to sitwith me now so I can listen
without interrupting about ourfinances?
Reconnection you see how thosefour components reframes the
whole situation Recognize,responsibility, remorse and
(48:19):
reconnection.
Ok, the beauty of this approachis that it works in all
relationships with your spouse,with your children, on your job,
with your friends.
It's a universal formula forrestoring connection.
I do it with my kids in theclassroom, I do it with my
children at home.
I use it with my spouse, I useit on the job.
(48:41):
It works regardless, becauseeverybody deserves to be valued
and everyone wants connection onsome level.
Because less information andmore transformation.
That's where it is.
You need less information andmore transformation.
(49:01):
This is the heart of doing thework.
The heart of it.
It's less information and moretransformation.
That's going to always be mygoal.
That's going to always be why Igive you practical ways to do
the work.
Because what if your argumentsaren't a sign of your marriage
failing, but an invitation todeeper intimacy?
(49:25):
Because every conflict containsa hidden opportunity the chance
to understand each other on amore deeper level and connect
more authentically.
Each one, every conflictcontains that.
Because when you fight aboutdishes, schedules, in-laws,
(49:46):
finances, whatever behind thosesurface issues lies deeper
questions.
Questions like can I count onyou?
Questions like do you valuewhat I contribute?
Am I a priority in your life?
Will you be there when I needyou?
These are the things that aregoing.
These are the questions thatare behind some of those fights
(50:08):
that we have, because theseunspoken questions reveal our
deepest needs for security,significance and connection.
So I want you to remember you'renot arguing about the dishes.
You're arguing from a place ofdisconnection and connection
(50:29):
true, authentic, vulnerableconnection.
That's the antidote that yourmarriage is hungry for, because
when you feel that irritationrising the next time your spouse
leave the dishes in the sink Iknow I keep going back to the
dishes in the sink.
It's really a pet peeve of mine.
But listen, take a breath andask yourself what's really
(50:53):
happening here.
Am I feeling disconnected?
Am I feeling unappreciated?
Am I feeling unseen?
Then, instead of launching intocriticism, try saying hey, bae,
I'm feeling disconnected fromyou today.
Can we take a few minutes tocheck in with each other?
That'd be OK with you.
Simple as that.
(51:15):
That I promise you game changer, that single shift from arguing
about simple tasks toaddressing connection.
Look, that might just changeeverything in your relationship.
I'm not saying it will, but I'msaying it just might, because
(51:35):
legacy is built on dailydecisions, not occasional
declarations.
But your marriage isn't broken.
This is disconnected.
It's just disconnected, andconnection is something that we
can always rebuild.
We can always rebuild, we canalways rebuild connection,
(51:57):
because if you're disconnected,you just got to get reconnected.
Till next time, let's continueto do the work.
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