November 13, 2023 • 52 mins
Strap in for a soul-stirring journey as we navigate my life which has been marred by childhood trauma, drugs, and homelessness but I triumphantly emerged on the other side. This episode is an intimate look into my life as I became a father figure to my family at a young age while grappling with the harsh realities of inner-city life, including police brutality and relentless violence. Hear about the unforgettable moment I was handed my first gun at the tender age of nine and the struggle of caring for my mother who was plagued by blackout seizures.
This story of resilience doesn't stop at the harrowing experiences of a challenging childhood, it's also a tale of transformation. Probing the depths of these experiences, I'll shed light on the long-lasting effects of childhood trauma and the journey toward healing. It's about a young boy who had to grow up too soon, carrying the weight of adult responsibilities and the baggage it brought into his relationships. However, amidst the chaos, this tale is one of hope, resilience, and an awe-inspiring transformation.
Finally, I will explore the redemptive power of faith and the role it played in the restoration of my life. Despite the trials and tribulations, a source of strength emerged from an unlikely place- a belief in Jesus that became a beacon of hope. My discussions will extend into the importance of mental health and how it can be harnessed to transform lives. This episode promises to leave you inspired, humbled, and more appreciative of the journey called life. So tune in to this candid conversation and let's walk this journey together.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
What's good, what's good.
Family, welcome back to Do theWork podcast.
I love you guys, I love youguys.
I love you guys.
It's been a minute.
It's been a minute, so let megive you a little bit of update
what's been going on with me,and I just want to show some
appreciation for the fam man.
Y'all been holding the brotherdown, but you also been keeping
(00:24):
me busy.
I'm not going to lie, you guys.
You guys been keeping me busyand so these next couple
episodes that I'm going to bedoing.
As you can see, I finally gotthe new video you did set up, so
I'm using the, the OBS Bot Tailtwo.
(00:49):
I think it's called crap.
I forgot what it's called, butit's the.
It's not the, it's the tiny two.
That's what it is.
So it's the OBS Bot tiny two isactually a PTZ tracking camera
that serves as a webcam in anactual camera, but it's 4k and
(01:11):
yeah, I look I'm a nerd and Iwas trying to find the best
mobile, durable option to setmyself up with that would allow
me to take the podcast on theroad but also have a nice at
home setup as well, and so Ifound this joint is way cheaper
(01:32):
than a DSLR camera is waycheaper than a 4k mirrorless
camera.
This joint is nice, as you cansee.
The picture is really crisp, issmooth.
There's a couple of things thatcould be done better for the
little sharpness and I can stilltweak it a little bit, but for
the most part, your boy islooking legit dope on this joint
(01:56):
.
I'm not going to hold you.
I'm not going to hold you.
So we're going to be using thisfor both the do the work
podcast and we're going to beusing it for life, unscripted,
with my wife, cassandra, and sowe are excited.
But look, thank you first andforemost for all the love that
you guys showed me.
(02:16):
I preached on, I think, twoWednesdays ago, first Wednesday
of October.
I had the honor and privilegeof preaching at our church on
the Wednesday night and God gaveme a great message in the lane
of mental health.
And now the title of themessage was do the work.
No pun on do the work podcast.
(02:38):
I literally got a scripturewhere the Lord spoke to me
through the scripture.
The scripture was in firstChronicles 28, when David was
talking to his son Solomon andhe says take this series.
He's talking about building thetemple.
And he said take this seriouslyand do the work, do the work.
(02:59):
And so it was a message onmental health and getting
counsel and the spirit ofcounsel and what that looks like
and how that affects us.
And so I've been posting clipsof that message on my social
media and people have beenresponding tremendously well.
(03:20):
You got a couple of people whowas just kind of like eh, but
for the most part the joint wasnice and the feedback was great,
and so I appreciate that andI'm telling you like the reason
it's taking me so long to recordsome more episodes is because
after that message, man, like,my DMs were blowing up, not from
(03:40):
like negative stuff, but likepeople that's like wanting help,
wanting counsel, wanting tomeet with me, wanting to really
share how that message reallygave them the strength and the
confidence to dive into some ofthose areas that they have been
holding off in.
And if that was you and Iappreciate it, man.
(04:03):
And so I've been busy doingsome soul care with some people
and some counseling and justhearing different stories,
hearing different experiencesand how God's been really
unpackaging some stuff andpeople's lives, and especially
men.
I love it when men getvulnerable and get honest and
start speaking their truth in away that allows healing and
(04:26):
transformation, like that's thestuff that I live for.
And so, without further ado, sothese next few episodes, man,
what I want to do is I have someguests lined up that's going to
be coming on and sharing somegreat stuff with us and in a
lane of mental health and justhow we can give us better tools
(04:48):
and testimonies andcircumstances and experiences
that the Lord has really helpedthem through.
And some of them, some of thepeople that I have lined up, are
not Christian, but theyunderstand the importance of
mental health, especially formen.
So you're going to see somepeople that's not Christian that
once they start payingattention to their mental health
(05:11):
, they start seeing their lifetransform for the better.
And so this is.
I am not watering down thegospel, I'm not putting my faith
on the back burner, but I wantto make this podcast a safe
space for people to share, bevulnerable, be healing, and you
(05:36):
never know the conversationsthat I'm having offline because
of that.
So let's show grace, let's showgrace, but without that.
With that being said, these nextfew episodes, however many
episodes that take me, I'm goingto unpack it of that message,
because I was jamming like fourmonths of preparation and
(05:59):
research and experience andfirsthand encounters into that
message.
It still went longer than whatI expected it to go, and so I'm
going to bring some clarity.
I'm going to get into thedetails of some things and I'm
just going to help us understandhow to do the work.
(06:20):
This is going to be like mypodcast mandate manual for doing
the work and what that lookslike, because ultimately, I am a
certified mental health coachand working towards my
certification in youth mentalhealth as well, with
(06:42):
specializations in marriage andfamily and addiction recovery,
and so eventually it's alreadystarted to happen Fellows
reaching out families reachingout couples reaching out for
that counsel, for that coaching,for that assistance to get to
that next level, whether that beintimacy, whether that be
communication, whether that beovercoming addictions, whether
(07:04):
that be just being better peopleand getting the things in life
that belong to you and that hasbeen destined and planned for
you and your family.
So, whatever that is,ultimately this podcast is going
to be a platform to invitethose type of people because
look, let's be honest, getcloser, get closer, get closer.
(07:27):
Your boy gotta make a living.
I still work, man, but thepodcast is an income generator
as well, not just a hobby.
So let's go All right.
So the first thing I want totalk about is, in this episode,
it's my testimony.
Now I shared a short synopsisof my testimony in the very
(07:52):
beginning of my message and thenI built upon that throughout my
message.
And the testimony was not tohighlight me or was not to
highlight the things that I'vebeen through, but it was to show
you the different levels ofdepravity and setbacks and
things that happened to me thatI necessarily didn't cause or
(08:16):
wasn't my fault.
It's just things that happenedto me and how I was able, by the
grace of God, to give throughthat and still become the man
that you see here today talkingon this very great, awesome
podcast here.
And so I'm going to read thenarrative that I read in my
(08:39):
sermon, and then I'm going tostop and fill in the details and
the blanks and the healingprocess along the way, because
this podcast is called or namedDo the Work, and I'm going to
explain to you what doing thework looked like in these
different areas of my life.
All right, and it may take acouple of episodes to get there,
(09:01):
but it's going to be okay, wein here.
We in here, all right.
So, without further ado, let'sget started.
So there's this kid, and I'mreading from the narrative that
I felt the Lord wanted me toshare as the opening of my
sermon.
And so here it is.
There's this kid, and of coursethis kid is me, who he grew up
(09:25):
like a lot of kids around him.
He grew up without a fatherpresent.
He saw the effects of drugs andalcohol on his mother.
He saw domestic abuse betweenhis parents, to the point of he
saw his mom get slammed througha kitchen table, breaking the
table in half.
At the age of eight, he startsdumpster diving to collect cans
(09:46):
to sell for cash, and so, look,let me just stop there.
So I just jumped through awhole bunch of stuff right there
.
At the very beginning, peoplewas looking at me like yo, what
is going on right now?
Let me give you a littlecontext to what was going on in
my life.
And so I was born, my mother,linda, my dad, harold, harold
(10:12):
McGee, senior.
But at the time that I was born, he was not a senior, he was
just Harold McGee.
And my dad had another family,a whole bunch of other kids, and
was married to another womanand so when my brother and I
were born, we were born out ofwedlock.
We were born as my mom was hisside chick and, like I say that,
(10:37):
being from a place of healinglike that, was difficult for me
to get my head around at a youngage.
And so my dad, I will see himcome around and I remembered the
night that he slammed my momthrough a kitchen table so
vividly.
Kb has a song shout out to.
(10:57):
Kb has a song on his album,glory to Glory, which is the
Glory album too, and the song iscalled Daddy.
And then the song either him orthe one who's singing with him
says that that day is foreveringrained into my memory and the
(11:18):
way that my mom cried isforever grained into it.
And I felt that, because I havethat same thing, like my dad.
There was a birthday party Ibelieve it was my father's
birthday party and he came toour apartment in the Harrison
Homes these are projects and hehad a suit on and the dude had
(11:42):
$50 and $100 bills pinned fromneck all the way down to his
shoes, pinned all over his suit$100 bills, $50 bills, and him
and my mom get into everybody.
You know, oh my God, look atMcGee, look at Big McGee.
Ah, you know, and I don't knowwhat transpired.
Me and my brother was upstairs,but towards the end of the party
(12:02):
people were leaving and it'sjust my mom and dad and they got
into an argument and we heardyelling.
So me and my brother come downthe stairs and we kind of peep
in around the corner, the stairsleading to the living room, and
they're in the kitchen argument.
So we kind of looking aroundthe corner while they're arguing
and they my dad gets upset withmy mom, she's yelling, he's
(12:24):
yelling, and then all of asudden I see him lift her up and
boom, like right on the kitchentable, the table breaks in half
, she falls through, she's notmoving, but I know she's alive
because she's crying, but she'snot moving.
And he kind of just keepstalking, says what he has to say
(12:48):
and walks out the back door.
And I'm like yo, because histruck was parked on a curb in
the back.
Everybody kind of came throughour apartment through the back
door because it had that was theaccess to the road.
The front door was just like asidewalk in between buildings
and stuff.
And so he just leaves and mymom is laying there In my mind.
(13:14):
I'm like seven, eight years oldy'all In my mind I can't
comprehend what just happened,like I can't put into words or I
can't process that's a betterword I can't process what just
(13:35):
happened.
So in my mind, in a very heraldway, I'm thinking yo, my dad,
just WWF body slam a human beingthrough a table.
Yo, like a real wooden table.
This wasn't like one of themcheap joints that's on a W, it
(13:57):
wasn't WWE yet, it was still WWFfor my true fans, if you know.
You know.
But I was just like yo.
So the next day when I went toschool, not thinking I'm like,
dude, my dad can slam peoplethrough wooden tables.
God, keep messing with me andfind out like for real, for real
(14:21):
, like this was like I was usingthat experience of seeing my
mom slam through the table.
I was using that as like propsor bragging rights for my dad,
not knowing that that's domesticviolence, that's abuse, that's
crazy, right and so.
But I couldn't process it atthe time and my mom made my
(14:46):
brother help her move the brokentable out to the backyard and
yeah, it was a while before wegot a new table, but every day,
coming in we'll see that brokentable sitting out there and I
will tell people yeah, my daddid that.
My dad slam cast through tablesbecause I couldn't put my mom
(15:07):
in the place of the person, so Ijust said a person or people or
whatever I could to make itmake sense in my seven, eight
year old head.
You know what I'm saying.
And so that that event wasforever ingrained into me and it
messed me up on so many levelsthat I didn't even I wasn't even
(15:28):
aware of at the time, you feelme.
And then I talked about dumpsterdiving.
There was a neighbor who livedacross the street and he rode
his bike and he collected cansand he turned the cans in for
money and he made a prettydecent money off of that.
And so I was, I startedcollecting cans too, and so I
(15:50):
start getting up three, four inthe morning jumping in dumpsters
, you know, with the rats andthe coons and the raccoons and
stuff, and just you know,jumping in dumpsters, finding
cans, collecting cans.
I will go to my mom's friends,house or family members who I
knew had got really wasted thatnight and got all their cans out
(16:11):
of their trash if they didn'tsave them for me.
And I just start collectingcans.
It was so and you know, whenyou live in poverty and when you
live in a place that'spoverty-stricken, there's a lot
of alcoholics, there's a lot ofpeople who drink away the pain
to numb themselves.
And I collected all those cans,all those Budweiser's, miller,
(16:32):
lights, coke, 45's, all of that.
I was collecting them jointsand turning them in for cash
because I knew my mom couldn'tafford certain things that I
wanted for school, even certainthings that I needed.
So I was like you know, I'mgonna do it for myself.
You know what I mean.
I'm still get this, I'm gonnago out and get this back, you
(16:54):
know.
And so at an early age, aroundeight years old, I started
dumpster diving, to the pointthat my man's across the street
got mad and was like yo, youneed to find a different area to
dumpster dive in.
And I'm looking at him.
I'm like bro, I'm like eightyears old dawg, you a grown man,
why don't you go further intoanother neighborhood or projects
(17:14):
or somewhere else to dumpsterdive?
Let me be local and you gofurther out because you, the
grown man, you feel me.
But that's my dumpster divingdays.
Then I went on to say at nine,his sibling is my younger
brother and mom are homeless andgets kicked out of all the
(17:37):
local homeless shelters becauseof their mom's drinking problem.
This was a big deal.
I didn't actually know I washomeless until like six months
into being homeless.
That's how much my mom tried tomake it seem normal, you know.
And when I realized that, look,I'm carrying everything that I
(18:02):
own in a backpack and I'mcarrying it to school with me,
I'm carrying it everywhere we go.
So in the Empioria, the firstplace we went to was, I believe,
the Southside Mission.
And no, no, no, I think it wasthe YWCA.
The YWCA, the, instead of YMCA,is the YWCA for women.
(18:26):
I don't even know what YWCAstands for, but I know the W is
for women's.
But we were living there for abit and my mom was going through
a lot of stuff just losing herapartment.
So the reason we becamehomeless will blow your mind
(18:47):
right.
So the reason we became homelesswe got kicked out of our
apartment because at the timethat I grew up in, in the 90s,
if you committed adultery withsomeone's spouse you got evicted
(19:07):
.
Like you got to kick out ofyour apartment and like that was
like if that was the case thisday, so everyone will be
homeless in the projects, right?
But my mom, my mom was in arelationship with a guy who was
married, similar to my father,but she was with a different guy
(19:27):
and his wife had found out andtold the housing authority that
my mom was messing around withher husband and she wanted her
to stop or evicted or whatever.
And so my mom got a court date.
The court date came.
My mom's friend was supposed totake her because my mom didn't
have a car.
My mom's friend forgot.
(19:49):
Therefore, my mom missed hercourt date and immediately got
evicted.
And so we found out later thatif my mother would have just
showed up, it probably wouldhave worked out for us and we
could have stayed.
But I thank God for the hardthings that we had to endure,
(20:14):
and so we got kicked out.
My brother and I became homefrom school and we see in all of
our stuff out in the lawn.
If you've ever been evictedbefore, if you haven't, praise
God.
If you have, you know that inthe projects they throw all your
stuff out in the yard.
And so my mom is sitting on thebench crying and just kind of
distraught.
And my brother and I come homefrom school and we see
(20:38):
neighborhood people, homelesspeople, going through our stuff
like it's a garage sale, and mybrother, he goes in and just
start going off on people,telling them leave this stuff
alone and don't touch my stuff.
And I'm looking at my mom andI'm like, oh man, like this is
for real, like we out, out.
And so my mom, I said, mom,what is going on?
(21:00):
Like, what is this?
And she says she says grab thethings that are most important
to you, because that's and makesure you can carry it.
And so we grabbed a couple oftoys, we grabbed a couple of
clothes and she said make sureyou got some clothes and we put
(21:20):
it in the bag and we bounced.
And yeah, and my mom, shelooked at us and she was like I
love you and God loves you.
And she was like we're going tobe all right.
And in my mind I'm like nineyears old and I'm like yo, how
can you say God loves us?
(21:40):
Like we legit don't have aplace to stay and people are
going through our stuff.
Like how can you say God lovesus?
Like what do you mean Cause?
And so I'm confused at a mug,like I'm like God don't love us,
like you tripping woman, likeif that's what you need to tell
yourself to make this seem okay,like whatever.
(22:01):
And so at this point I'm heatedat my mom because I realized
that she missed her court date.
I'm heated at her friendbecause I realized it's her
fault that my mom missed hercourt date because she didn't
pick her up like she said shewas.
And I'm just a kid and I'm justgoing through the motion.
So we move into the YWCA.
My mom's drinking more becauseshe feels like a failure, she
(22:24):
feels like she let her familydown, she feel like she can't
get herself together, and so shejust drinks more and we get
kicked out of there becauseshe's coming back intoxicated.
She's leaving us there byherself, by ourself, on
Supervised, and so they're like,okay, if you're just not
walking in, where are yourchildren?
And we're in the room justwatching TV, whatever.
And so we get evicted or kickedout of that place.
(22:46):
And then we go to the SouthSide Mission and we live in the
South Side Mission and weconnect with some people and we
doing that and we get kicked outof the South Side Mission after
a bit and that's a whole ordeal.
And the same woman who forgot totake my mom, the same woman who
(23:09):
forgot to take her to the courtdate it's the same one that's
taking her out, getting herdrunk and buying all the beers
and stuff and like my mom ain'tgot no money.
And so you're doing all thisstuff and you're like you are
enabling my mom, and now she'slike not even going to get her
Not able to function right.
And so I'm at it, my mom, I'mat it, my mom's friends, I'm at
(23:33):
it everybody.
You know what I'm saying.
So we get kicked out of thereand we are like sleeping on
people's porches.
We're asking family members andfriends if we can stay one
night, two nights, with them,and this whole time my brother
and I were going to school andwe're not knowing where we're
going to be sleeping at thatnight.
You know what I'm saying.
And so it was like this went onfor literally a year and a half.
(23:55):
And then finally we move inwith my aunt and her kids and my
mom has a bedroom and all threeof us are standing in that
bedroom, and then her kids gotthe other bedrooms and then she
has a bedroom and we're verygrateful you know what I'm
saying Kicking it with thecousins, you know, living a life
(24:15):
, playing the game, watchingmovies, whatever it is, you know
.
And so we're not homeless perse, but we live with a family
member.
So that's why I said, afterthat a year and a half mark, we
were no longer homeless becausewe were living with family.
But it was rough and right whenwe moved in with our family.
And so I said in my narrativethat I was I'm trying to find my
(24:44):
spot my bad.
And then, also in the narrative, I said I was molested at the
age of 11 by two older girlsthat lived in the apartment
building and babysit at sometime.
And so the thing with that waslike like this is not a lie.
(25:04):
I didn't know that I had beenmolested until, like in college,
when I start learning that,okay, what happened to me was
not okay, because they were wayolder than me and I was like a
(25:29):
kid, kid, and they were like 19,20 ish, you know, maybe an 18,
you know, and I'm just, you know, because of the environment
that I was in, I grew up aroundsome cousins that you know.
Hey, they had ladies.
(25:50):
You know what I'm saying.
And so when they found out thatI had messed around with
so-and-so, they was like yo,little cubs bagging them.
And I was like, yeah, you knowwhat I'm saying, I'm bagging
them, you know.
And so for years I was braggingto friends and bragging to
(26:15):
people about this life that Iwas living, thinking that I'm
like, I'm this dude, whenactually I'm a kid being used
and taken advantage of by theseolder women and I'm bragging
about this stuff.
And this is like statutory rape, because, like, what are you
(26:35):
doing?
Like how are you bragging aboutthat?
But what you have to understandis that I was in an environment
where that was common.
You know what I'm saying.
It was common, and so I'm notsaying it was right, I'm just
saying my mind didn't know thata little boy shouldn't be
sleeping with these much, much,much, much, much older women.
(26:59):
But because I did, I kind offelt like I was grown and the
dudes around me that should havebeen protecting me and that
should have been telling me likeyo, this is messed up.
They was like yo, my man's, myman's is getting it, my cousin's
getting it, and so it was likea rite of passage instead of
like hey, you should probablyreport them.
(27:21):
You know what I'm saying.
And so instead, and so I didn'teven realize what that awakened
in me.
I didn't even realize themental damage that did to me.
I didn't even realize how, howscrewed my, my image and and
appreciation for women waswarped because of that
(27:44):
experience.
Like there were so many thingsthat happened because of that
that I didn't even understand,you know, and it was just, you
know.
It started off as something thatwas just innocent and escalated
to something that was veryawkward really fast and I just
(28:06):
kind of adapted and went with itand I was just like yo, I guess
this is what it is, you know.
And one end I kind of acceptedit because I wanted to be
accepted by the older guys thatI was, you know, hanging around,
and on the other end, I wantedthe girls to know that I had
(28:27):
experience.
You know what I'm saying.
Let's just be honest.
But it was man, it was.
It was years before I realizedlike what had happened to me was
messed up.
And so when I got married, mywife Cassandra, she wanted all
the details.
She was like I bet not find outnothing later on down the road.
(28:48):
I want to know everything nowand I was just like, look, I'm
going to tell you as much as Ican remember, because some stuff
that you really don't rememberuntil, like, something happens
and you're like, oh yeah, thatdid happen.
I'm sorry, I really didn'tremember, but that was something
that I talked about.
I talked about the experiencingthe police kicking in their
(29:09):
door in search of drugs andweapons, because these relatives
I've been known to keep thedrugs and guns there Like uh,
like I grew up around some somereal fucks, some real gangsters,
some real like drug dealers,like people I like I'm just I'm
(29:34):
not bragging because it was sodangerous, but I knew what that
life was like and I wasn'tattracted to it because I knew
how dangerous it was.
But to say the same thing, I'veseen guns, I've seen a lot of
drugs sitting on a table andI've seen a lot of stuff.
(29:56):
And so it wasn't abnormal forme to see the police chasing
cats down through the apartments.
It wasn't abnormal for me tosee cops chasing on cars and on
foot in between.
I saw that on a regular basis.
And so when our door got kickedin and we had a family member
(30:18):
stand with us and he was movingsome pretty serious weight and
he was strapped and the policekicked our door in looking for
his supply and drugs and stuffand thankfully they didn't find
anything.
Either he hit it really well orhe had just moved it all out of
(30:38):
there, but either way theydidn't find anything.
But they destroyed ourapartment and it was bananas.
And so I experienced stuff likethat and I didn't realize all
the damage mentally that thoseexperiences were doing to me and
it was contributing tosomething that I'm going to
(31:00):
touch on later on.
And then I said he was given hisfirst gun at age nine and told
if his dad ever touches his momagain to shoot him.
Yeah, so that was interesting.
That was interesting.
And so my cousin who's probablygoing to watch or listen to
(31:25):
this podcast or episode so I'mnot going to say his name, but
my cousin, my brother, knows thestory because he was there he
gave me a little 22.
It was wrapped up in I rememberthis, like yesterday.
It was wrapped up in a whitetowel.
(31:49):
It was wrapped up in a whitetowel and he gave me some
bullets and he gave me the 22.
I'm like nine years old and hesays if your dad except he
didn't call him my daddy to callhim by his name.
He said if he ever lays handson your mom, his auntie, again,
(32:13):
I want you to shoot him.
I'm nine, I'm nine and I'm like, okay, bet, and I take the gun,
I put it in the house, hide itin my room and me and my brother
gets chased home by somebullies.
Right, and my brother man, westrategic.
(32:37):
There's no coincidence that Iended up in the military as an
officer, strategic officer.
We used to have buckets of rockswaiting at our like in specific
places that if we ever getchased by somebody, we go and we
run in, directed to our stashof rocks, and we lighten them up
(32:57):
with rocks, like we not finnafight you, we about to bust you
up.
And that was like our strategyto like not get jumped and not
get beat up.
We just throw rocks at people.
They get mad and then we runoff again until they see us at
school the next day and theywant to fight us again.
But or they just don't want tofight us no more, because they
like they crazy.
But so my brother and I, we runhome and I come outside with
(33:20):
the gun.
I'm like, what, what dosomething, do something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now I'm talking mad talk too.
And my brother he talking madtalk too.
And the kids was like yo, isthat real?
I'm like yeah, it is real.
And I cock it.
And they like yo, that jointreal.
(33:42):
And so it went from them tryingto beat us up to like yo, let
us see it.
Like, show us something likewhat up.
So here I am, a kid inelementary school with a loaded
gun showing friends willinghaving agreed to shoot my father
(34:02):
, like that's insanity.
And so I didn't even know howmuch of my mind was disturbed by
that incident.
And I was in therapy and I toldthe therapist that story and
she was like no, no, no.
(34:23):
I told my first therapist, whowas a guy.
I told him that story and hewas like yo, are you serious at
nine?
I was like yeah.
He was like do you understandthe state of mind that you were
in?
You were ready to commit murderagainst someone who you looked
(34:45):
up to and admired to some degree, and you didn't think twice
about it.
I was like, yeah, man, yeah,like I understand, like I was.
I was probably crazy, but Icouldn't comprehend it.
I just it was just survivalmode nonstop.
And so I had to go through aprocess of healing of knowing
(35:07):
like dude, like like that costsa response in your body.
That is not normal, it's notnormal.
And so after a while my mom, Ibelieve, found the gun in my
room and she called my cousin tocome get it and she had some
(35:29):
very colorful words to say tohim, but nonetheless, yo, it was
it was.
It was crazy Like she whoopedmy tail some serious when she
found out I had that joint andso so I went on to say that I
had to grow up quick to bothprotect and take care of myself,
(35:52):
my younger brother and my mom.
And so that was my life, like ata very early age I had to get
used to taking care of my momand my younger brother because
my mom, from a young age shewould start having these
(36:13):
blackout seizures where shewould be seizing and stuff and
she wouldn't remember things.
And earlier on, when it firststarted happening, my brother
and I would take advantage of itand she would have a seizure.
So we would take some oatmealpies, some zebra cakes, some
nutty bars and we would takesnacks and stuff and then she'd
be like what happened to allthese snacks.
I'm like I don't know, mom, youhad one of them episodes and
(36:34):
you might have gave it to us andforgot, I don't know.
And so as I got older Irealized this is a serious
health condition and we probablyshould try to do something
about it.
But she went to the doctors andthe doctor said she was fine
and they tried to induce theseizure and they couldn't induce
any seizures, so it waswhatever.
And then they took some CATscans and later on and said that
(36:57):
something was on her brain andthey started giving them some
medication and it didn't reallywork and they didn't have really
good health insurance, so itwas just a whole mess.
And so I grew up.
When I say taking care of myfamily, there was moments where
my mom could not do certainthings and so I had to do them.
(37:18):
There was moments where I hadto be the parent in the house.
Not that my mom was in cable,it was just like my mom was
dealing with a lot, man, andlooking back I can see it, but
in the moment I really couldn't.
I couldn't see it, man.
I was a kid, I couldn't see it,and so you know what I'm saying
(37:38):
.
I was just surviving.
And then I went on to say, inthe fifth grade my brother and I
were taken from my mom to livewith our aunt on our dad's side,
and so we wasn't really takenas much as told.
(37:59):
I don't know, it was weird.
So my dad gets out of prisonand he's in the halfway house,
and so while he's in the halfwayhouse he talks to my mom.
My mom agrees okay, they canstay with your sister, because
it's really not good for themhere.
At the time I was in fourth.
(38:22):
I had just graduated fourthgrade and I was supposed to be
in fifth grade but I hadn't beenin school because I didn't have
my shots for middle school.
So I didn't have my shotrecords and so middle school
wouldn't let me go, and so I wasjust hanging out all day while
my friends were at school andI'm just kicking it and going to
the library.
I didn't have a library card.
(38:43):
So I was like legit, stealingbooks from the library and
turning them back in, like oh, Ifound these at the park, and so
that was weird.
But in that season, something Ididn't share, it's like well,
I'll get to it.
I think I did share it in mystory.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I shared itso I'll get to that part.
(39:04):
But we were moved because oneof the things that was a
deciding factor in us beingmoving from our mom was that I
wasn't in school and she wasn'treally doing anything to like
change that.
And so my auntie, she took meto the head department, gave my
shots, got me in school andeverything, and so I'm going to
(39:26):
school up in a better schooldistrict they lived in the
Heights, so it was a nice suburbarea and we see our mom on the
weekend.
We live with her.
We call it a school during theweek and then on the weekend we
see our mom and our dad picks usup from the halfway house.
(39:48):
He gets to leave the halfwayhouse on the weekend so he come
visit with him.
We stay with our mom.
He takes us to church, so westay with our mom on Saturday
and then my dad takes us tochurch on Sunday and then he
takes us to the laundromat.
He takes us to the laundromatand then wash our clothes and
(40:12):
stuff and then wash my mom andstuff, and so we hang out as a
family somewhat on Sunday and hejumps my mom back off Sunday
evening and drops us back off athis sister's house, and that
was the whole fifth grade andsummer sixth grade.
No, no, I think it's just fifthgrade, because in the sixth
grade my mom and my dad gets outthe halfway house and he gets a
(40:36):
house for me, for us and ourmom, and then we're living there
and it's cool.
You know, it's cool and it'sthe first house I've ever lived
in.
We've never lived in a house,we've only lived in projects
apartments, and so this was thefirst house we ever had.
It was a pretty decent housewhen we moved there, but it
turned out to be pretty crappyreally quick, and my dad ended
(41:02):
up moving back into his house,which was even worse, and so my
younger brother moved with mydad.
I stayed with my mom and thehouse that we stayed in was cool
, but it was like soun-maintained, the landlord was
crap, like really crap, and sowe had rat infestations and we
(41:23):
had roaches.
Man, we had all type of stuffgoing on in that house.
Man, I say rats because thesejoints was not my, so these was
legit rats, to the point wheremy mom she would hear them in
the wall and she would like no,I'm sleeping in the living room
on the couch and then I would bein my room and they wouldn't be
in my area.
They'd be put back towards theback of the house, which is why
(41:45):
my mom wouldn't go to her roombecause her room was adjacent to
the back of the house and soshe shared a wall with the back
of the house so she could hearall the activity and stuff and
it was bad.
So we moved through that andeventually my mom, my dad, house
(42:06):
gets condemned and he tears itdown Like legit, a raccoon falls
through the roof or somethingcrazy like that.
Because it was like tarp on theroof, like a raccoon or
something falls through the roofand it's like running through
the kitchen.
And my brother was telling methe story and I was just like yo
for real, like y'all, look atshit had like a raccoon running
around the kitchen.
He was like yeah, it was crazyand it was just wild and they
(42:30):
had roaches and rats and stuff.
It was just really really badchildhood, but we enjoyed the
parts that we could.
Then I went on in my story man,and I shared that by the time I
was in high school I was workingthree jobs, I was partying
every weekend and spending asmuch as little time as home as
(42:54):
possible to escape my home life.
My home life was wack, so I,just I escaped through working.
I had a paper route in themorning and then, after my paper
route I would go to school.
And then I was, um, had a workprogram from school where I
could leave school early and gowork downtown at this law firm
as like a messenger boy, uh,carrying um parcels in between
(43:18):
law offices in different places.
And so, um, I did that.
And then, by my junior year, Istarted working at a warehouse.
No, I think it was my senioryear.
My senior year I was working ata warehouse as well, from 6pm
to 6am, and so that joint wascrazy.
Yo and um, it got to the pointand I shared this in another
(43:41):
story.
It got to the point in anotherpodcast, um, but it got to the
point where I was exhausted andmy body collapsed and, yeah, it
was bad.
It was bad.
But, um, I was in threeshootouts and suffered from my
PTSD before the age of 18.
And people was like man, you inshootouts.
(44:02):
So the first shootout, none ofthem were my fault, I was just
in the wrong place at the wrongtime, like legit I'm not, like
I'm not really hard, like thatI'm not.
I'm not about that life likefor real, for real.
But the very first shootout thatI experienced, I was playing on
the playground.
Actually I was supposed to bein school, but I couldn't go to
(44:23):
school because then they had myshots.
And I was playing on theplayground and there was this
crackhead who was trying tosteal drugs from this drug
dealer and he was trying to.
The drug dealer was servingthem and the crackhead didn't
have no money and so he tried torip them off and so he took the
stuff and he ran and my man'sput out the gun and I'm not
(44:44):
thinking, I'm like 19 years oldand so I run into the tunnel and
my man starts shooting at thedude who cuts through the
playground.
He and one of the bullets flythrough the tunnel.
I'm like it hits one, bust theplastic off one side and exit
(45:10):
the plastic off the other side,creating bullet holes in the
tunnel.
And I'm there shaking and Ipeeked my head out and I like
for a while I couldn't move.
It felt like forever, but itwas like five, 10 minutes, like
I was hyperventilating, Icouldn't move.
I was probably having a panicattack or anxiety attack or
(45:32):
something, because I it feltlike my heart was going to bust
out of my chest when that bulletjust says shoo.
And I peeked my head out andthe dude was chased, had chased
him, had shot him and left himthere and police was coming and
people was.
(45:52):
It was crazy.
Somebody took his shoes.
It was crazy.
So I'm looking at this dude'sdead body and I'm thinking to
myself it's like a 10 year oldand I'm like yo, I could be just
as dead as that guy, that guyright there, and in my mind I'm
thinking this would never hadhappened if I was in school.
(46:15):
And so I instantly got upsetwith my mom, like she needs to
get me in school, like if Icould do it myself I would, but
I can't, I'm 10.
And so I was heated, bro.
But hey, you know, that was thefirst shoot out.
The second one was at my highschool.
(46:38):
And so my high school, therewas a guy who brought a gun to
school, start shooting and wewere running and bullets was
literally flying over my head asI was going down the steps.
They were flying over me,hitting a wall in front of me
and I'm freaking out.
The dude was the most horribleshot I've ever seen in my life
and I praise God for it.
The dude cannot shoot to savehis life and I think God, all
(47:01):
the rounds he shot didn't hitanyone and it was pandemonium up
in that joint and I wasfreaking out and he didn't hit
nothing and I was like thank God, this guy couldn't shoot.
So that was one of theshootouts that I was in.
And then the third shootout thatI was in, it was a mistaken
(47:24):
identity.
Somebody thought that me and mycousins were someone else.
We were at a gas station.
They pulled up on us.
They thought we were someoneelse.
They started letting da, da, da, da, da da da and we freaking
out.
So we running, hiding, tryingnot to get shot, and come to
(47:45):
find out they were beefing withsome people that we were cool
with.
We didn't necessarily run withthem, but they were beefing with
some people that we were coolwith and so they thought we were
like a part of their crew orwhatever.
And it was just.
It was a mistake and identitystuff.
We threw parties.
They was at our parties, we wascool with them.
(48:06):
It was crazy.
So after that shootout I waslike yo, I'm going to college,
no lie, I am getting out of thisjoint for real.
And so, after being so close todeath so many times, I began to
be very jumpy, very paranoid,and it was.
(48:31):
I didn't learn till later, whenI was in the military and
someone was diagnosed with mildPTSD and the provider or the
psychologist or whoever wassharing with us the signs and
(48:51):
the symptoms of someone who hasmild PTSD, and I'm like yo, I
had that just growing up.
And that's when I realized, yo,I grew up because of my
environment, because of what Iwas exposed to, with mild PTSD
it was bad.
It wasn't until I got tocollege, till I got some real
security and safety in my life,that that kind of went away and
(49:14):
I was able to regulate my bodyresponse and my emotions, and so
that was a real deal for me forreal, for real.
And so, yeah, so, yeah, so thisis getting pretty long, but I
hope you enjoy this.
This is going to be a reallylong episode, but I really
(49:36):
wanted to walk through this sothat people understand, and so
by the so.
So actually, let me just wrapup this episode here.
I will wrap this up.
Part two.
This is I've been going on fora while.
Part two about so I've talkedto you from my childhood all the
(49:58):
way up to high school, and sopart two, I'm going to talk
about college until now.
And so, yeah, so that's, that'smy childhood, and I had to do
the work to in that air in thoseareas, because what you have to
(50:21):
understand is all of that thatI had endured, went through and
experienced, most of it no faultof my own.
I brought those experiences, Ibrought that baggage and I
brought that damage into myrelationship with my wife you
know what I'm saying and withany in all girls, honestly and
(50:45):
actually.
But but God is a God ofrestoration and transformation,
and so next time I'm going toshare with you what happened in
my college years and how now I'mbetter than I've ever been
before.
Thank you for for tuning in.
Until next time we're going todo part two.
(51:05):
All right, peace.
What's good, what's good.
Family, welcome back to Do theWork podcast.
I love you guys, I love youguys.
I love you guys.
It's been a minute.
It's been a minute, so let megive you a little bit of update
what's been going on with me,and I just want to show some
appreciation for the fam man.
Y'all been holding the brotherdown, but you also been keeping
(00:24):
me busy.
I'm not going to lie, you guys.
You guys been keeping me busyand so these next couple
episodes that I'm going to bedoing.
As you can see, I finally gotthe new video you did set up, so
I'm using the, the OBS Bot Tailtwo.
(00:49):
I think it's called crap.
I forgot what it's called, butit's the.
It's not the, it's the tiny two.
That's what it is.
So it's the OBS Bot tiny two isactually a PTZ tracking camera
that serves as a webcam in anactual camera, but it's 4k and
(01:11):
yeah, I look I'm a nerd and Iwas trying to find the best
mobile, durable option to setmyself up with that would allow
me to take the podcast on theroad but also have a nice at
home setup as well, and so Ifound this joint is way cheaper
(01:32):
than a DSLR camera is waycheaper than a 4k mirrorless
camera.
This joint is nice, as you cansee.
The picture is really crisp, issmooth.
There's a couple of things thatcould be done better for the
little sharpness and I can stilltweak it a little bit, but for
the most part, your boy islooking legit dope on this joint
(01:56):
.
I'm not going to hold you.
I'm not going to hold you.
So we're going to be using thisfor both the do the work
podcast and we're going to beusing it for life, unscripted,
with my wife, cassandra, and sowe are excited.
But look, thank you first andforemost for all the love that
you guys showed me.
(02:16):
I preached on, I think, twoWednesdays ago, first Wednesday
of October.
I had the honor and privilegeof preaching at our church on
the Wednesday night and God gaveme a great message in the lane
of mental health.
And now the title of themessage was do the work.
No pun on do the work podcast.
(02:38):
I literally got a scripturewhere the Lord spoke to me
through the scripture.
The scripture was in firstChronicles 28, when David was
talking to his son Solomon andhe says take this series.
He's talking about building thetemple.
And he said take this seriouslyand do the work, do the work.
(02:59):
And so it was a message onmental health and getting
counsel and the spirit ofcounsel and what that looks like
and how that affects us.
And so I've been posting clipsof that message on my social
media and people have beenresponding tremendously well.
(03:20):
You got a couple of people whowas just kind of like eh, but
for the most part the joint wasnice and the feedback was great,
and so I appreciate that andI'm telling you like the reason
it's taking me so long to recordsome more episodes is because
after that message, man, like,my DMs were blowing up, not from
(03:40):
like negative stuff, but likepeople that's like wanting help,
wanting counsel, wanting tomeet with me, wanting to really
share how that message reallygave them the strength and the
confidence to dive into some ofthose areas that they have been
holding off in.
And if that was you and Iappreciate it, man.
(04:03):
And so I've been busy doingsome soul care with some people
and some counseling and justhearing different stories,
hearing different experiencesand how God's been really
unpackaging some stuff andpeople's lives, and especially
men.
I love it when men getvulnerable and get honest and
start speaking their truth in away that allows healing and
(04:26):
transformation, like that's thestuff that I live for.
And so, without further ado, sothese next few episodes, man,
what I want to do is I have someguests lined up that's going to
be coming on and sharing somegreat stuff with us and in a
lane of mental health and justhow we can give us better tools
(04:48):
and testimonies andcircumstances and experiences
that the Lord has really helpedthem through.
And some of them, some of thepeople that I have lined up, are
not Christian, but theyunderstand the importance of
mental health, especially formen.
So you're going to see somepeople that's not Christian that
once they start payingattention to their mental health
(05:11):
, they start seeing their lifetransform for the better.
And so this is.
I am not watering down thegospel, I'm not putting my faith
on the back burner, but I wantto make this podcast a safe
space for people to share, bevulnerable, be healing, and you
(05:36):
never know the conversationsthat I'm having offline because
of that.
So let's show grace, let's showgrace, but without that.
With that being said, these nextfew episodes, however many
episodes that take me, I'm goingto unpack it of that message,
because I was jamming like fourmonths of preparation and
(05:59):
research and experience andfirsthand encounters into that
message.
It still went longer than whatI expected it to go, and so I'm
going to bring some clarity.
I'm going to get into thedetails of some things and I'm
just going to help us understandhow to do the work.
(06:20):
This is going to be like mypodcast mandate manual for doing
the work and what that lookslike, because ultimately, I am a
certified mental health coachand working towards my
certification in youth mentalhealth as well, with
(06:42):
specializations in marriage andfamily and addiction recovery,
and so eventually it's alreadystarted to happen Fellows
reaching out families reachingout couples reaching out for
that counsel, for that coaching,for that assistance to get to
that next level, whether that beintimacy, whether that be
communication, whether that beovercoming addictions, whether
(07:04):
that be just being better peopleand getting the things in life
that belong to you and that hasbeen destined and planned for
you and your family.
So, whatever that is,ultimately this podcast is going
to be a platform to invitethose type of people because
look, let's be honest, getcloser, get closer, get closer.
(07:27):
Your boy gotta make a living.
I still work, man, but thepodcast is an income generator
as well, not just a hobby.
So let's go All right.
So the first thing I want totalk about is, in this episode,
it's my testimony.
Now I shared a short synopsisof my testimony in the very
(07:52):
beginning of my message and thenI built upon that throughout my
message.
And the testimony was not tohighlight me or was not to
highlight the things that I'vebeen through, but it was to show
you the different levels ofdepravity and setbacks and
things that happened to me thatI necessarily didn't cause or
(08:16):
wasn't my fault.
It's just things that happenedto me and how I was able, by the
grace of God, to give throughthat and still become the man
that you see here today talkingon this very great, awesome
podcast here.
And so I'm going to read thenarrative that I read in my
(08:39):
sermon, and then I'm going tostop and fill in the details and
the blanks and the healingprocess along the way, because
this podcast is called or namedDo the Work, and I'm going to
explain to you what doing thework looked like in these
different areas of my life.
All right, and it may take acouple of episodes to get there,
(09:01):
but it's going to be okay, wein here.
We in here, all right.
So, without further ado, let'sget started.
So there's this kid, and I'mreading from the narrative that
I felt the Lord wanted me toshare as the opening of my
sermon.
And so here it is.
There's this kid, and of coursethis kid is me, who he grew up
(09:25):
like a lot of kids around him.
He grew up without a fatherpresent.
He saw the effects of drugs andalcohol on his mother.
He saw domestic abuse betweenhis parents, to the point of he
saw his mom get slammed througha kitchen table, breaking the
table in half.
At the age of eight, he startsdumpster diving to collect cans
(09:46):
to sell for cash, and so, look,let me just stop there.
So I just jumped through awhole bunch of stuff right there
.
At the very beginning, peoplewas looking at me like yo, what
is going on right now?
Let me give you a littlecontext to what was going on in
my life.
And so I was born, my mother,linda, my dad, harold, harold
(10:12):
McGee, senior.
But at the time that I was born, he was not a senior, he was
just Harold McGee.
And my dad had another family,a whole bunch of other kids, and
was married to another womanand so when my brother and I
were born, we were born out ofwedlock.
We were born as my mom was hisside chick and, like I say that,
(10:37):
being from a place of healinglike that, was difficult for me
to get my head around at a youngage.
And so my dad, I will see himcome around and I remembered the
night that he slammed my momthrough a kitchen table so
vividly.
Kb has a song shout out to.
(10:57):
Kb has a song on his album,glory to Glory, which is the
Glory album too, and the song iscalled Daddy.
And then the song either him orthe one who's singing with him
says that that day is foreveringrained into my memory and the
(11:18):
way that my mom cried isforever grained into it.
And I felt that, because I havethat same thing, like my dad.
There was a birthday party Ibelieve it was my father's
birthday party and he came toour apartment in the Harrison
Homes these are projects and hehad a suit on and the dude had
(11:42):
$50 and $100 bills pinned fromneck all the way down to his
shoes, pinned all over his suit$100 bills, $50 bills, and him
and my mom get into everybody.
You know, oh my God, look atMcGee, look at Big McGee.
Ah, you know, and I don't knowwhat transpired.
Me and my brother was upstairs,but towards the end of the party
(12:02):
people were leaving and it'sjust my mom and dad and they got
into an argument and we heardyelling.
So me and my brother come downthe stairs and we kind of peep
in around the corner, the stairsleading to the living room, and
they're in the kitchen argument.
So we kind of looking aroundthe corner while they're arguing
and they my dad gets upset withmy mom, she's yelling, he's
(12:24):
yelling, and then all of asudden I see him lift her up and
boom, like right on the kitchentable, the table breaks in half
, she falls through, she's notmoving, but I know she's alive
because she's crying, but she'snot moving.
And he kind of just keepstalking, says what he has to say
(12:48):
and walks out the back door.
And I'm like yo, because histruck was parked on a curb in
the back.
Everybody kind of came throughour apartment through the back
door because it had that was theaccess to the road.
The front door was just like asidewalk in between buildings
and stuff.
And so he just leaves and mymom is laying there In my mind.
(13:14):
I'm like seven, eight years oldy'all In my mind I can't
comprehend what just happened,like I can't put into words or I
can't process that's a betterword I can't process what just
(13:35):
happened.
So in my mind, in a very heraldway, I'm thinking yo, my dad,
just WWF body slam a human beingthrough a table.
Yo, like a real wooden table.
This wasn't like one of themcheap joints that's on a W, it
(13:57):
wasn't WWE yet, it was still WWFfor my true fans, if you know.
You know.
But I was just like yo.
So the next day when I went toschool, not thinking I'm like,
dude, my dad can slam peoplethrough wooden tables.
God, keep messing with me andfind out like for real, for real
(14:21):
, like this was like I was usingthat experience of seeing my
mom slam through the table.
I was using that as like propsor bragging rights for my dad,
not knowing that that's domesticviolence, that's abuse, that's
crazy, right and so.
But I couldn't process it atthe time and my mom made my
(14:46):
brother help her move the brokentable out to the backyard and
yeah, it was a while before wegot a new table, but every day,
coming in we'll see that brokentable sitting out there and I
will tell people yeah, my daddid that.
My dad slam cast through tablesbecause I couldn't put my mom
(15:07):
in the place of the person, so Ijust said a person or people or
whatever I could to make itmake sense in my seven, eight
year old head.
You know what I'm saying.
And so that that event wasforever ingrained into me and it
messed me up on so many levelsthat I didn't even I wasn't even
(15:28):
aware of at the time, you feelme.
And then I talked about dumpsterdiving.
There was a neighbor who livedacross the street and he rode
his bike and he collected cansand he turned the cans in for
money and he made a prettydecent money off of that.
And so I was, I startedcollecting cans too, and so I
(15:50):
start getting up three, four inthe morning jumping in dumpsters
, you know, with the rats andthe coons and the raccoons and
stuff, and just you know,jumping in dumpsters, finding
cans, collecting cans.
I will go to my mom's friends,house or family members who I
knew had got really wasted thatnight and got all their cans out
(16:11):
of their trash if they didn'tsave them for me.
And I just start collectingcans.
It was so and you know, whenyou live in poverty and when you
live in a place that'spoverty-stricken, there's a lot
of alcoholics, there's a lot ofpeople who drink away the pain
to numb themselves.
And I collected all those cans,all those Budweiser's, miller,
(16:32):
lights, coke, 45's, all of that.
I was collecting them jointsand turning them in for cash
because I knew my mom couldn'tafford certain things that I
wanted for school, even certainthings that I needed.
So I was like you know, I'mgonna do it for myself.
You know what I mean.
I'm still get this, I'm gonnago out and get this back, you
(16:54):
know.
And so at an early age, aroundeight years old, I started
dumpster diving, to the pointthat my man's across the street
got mad and was like yo, youneed to find a different area to
dumpster dive in.
And I'm looking at him.
I'm like bro, I'm like eightyears old dawg, you a grown man,
why don't you go further intoanother neighborhood or projects
(17:14):
or somewhere else to dumpsterdive?
Let me be local and you gofurther out because you, the
grown man, you feel me.
But that's my dumpster divingdays.
Then I went on to say at nine,his sibling is my younger
brother and mom are homeless andgets kicked out of all the
(17:37):
local homeless shelters becauseof their mom's drinking problem.
This was a big deal.
I didn't actually know I washomeless until like six months
into being homeless.
That's how much my mom tried tomake it seem normal, you know.
And when I realized that, look,I'm carrying everything that I
(18:02):
own in a backpack and I'mcarrying it to school with me,
I'm carrying it everywhere we go.
So in the Empioria, the firstplace we went to was, I believe,
the Southside Mission.
And no, no, no, I think it wasthe YWCA.
The YWCA, the, instead of YMCA,is the YWCA for women.
(18:26):
I don't even know what YWCAstands for, but I know the W is
for women's.
But we were living there for abit and my mom was going through
a lot of stuff just losing herapartment.
So the reason we becamehomeless will blow your mind
(18:47):
right.
So the reason we became homelesswe got kicked out of our
apartment because at the timethat I grew up in, in the 90s,
if you committed adultery withsomeone's spouse you got evicted
(19:07):
.
Like you got to kick out ofyour apartment and like that was
like if that was the case thisday, so everyone will be
homeless in the projects, right?
But my mom, my mom was in arelationship with a guy who was
married, similar to my father,but she was with a different guy
(19:27):
and his wife had found out andtold the housing authority that
my mom was messing around withher husband and she wanted her
to stop or evicted or whatever.
And so my mom got a court date.
The court date came.
My mom's friend was supposed totake her because my mom didn't
have a car.
My mom's friend forgot.
(19:49):
Therefore, my mom missed hercourt date and immediately got
evicted.
And so we found out later thatif my mother would have just
showed up, it probably wouldhave worked out for us and we
could have stayed.
But I thank God for the hardthings that we had to endure,
(20:14):
and so we got kicked out.
My brother and I became homefrom school and we see in all of
our stuff out in the lawn.
If you've ever been evictedbefore, if you haven't, praise
God.
If you have, you know that inthe projects they throw all your
stuff out in the yard.
And so my mom is sitting on thebench crying and just kind of
distraught.
And my brother and I come homefrom school and we see
(20:38):
neighborhood people, homelesspeople, going through our stuff
like it's a garage sale, and mybrother, he goes in and just
start going off on people,telling them leave this stuff
alone and don't touch my stuff.
And I'm looking at my mom andI'm like, oh man, like this is
for real, like we out, out.
And so my mom, I said, mom,what is going on?
(21:00):
Like, what is this?
And she says she says grab thethings that are most important
to you, because that's and makesure you can carry it.
And so we grabbed a couple oftoys, we grabbed a couple of
clothes and she said make sureyou got some clothes and we put
(21:20):
it in the bag and we bounced.
And yeah, and my mom, shelooked at us and she was like I
love you and God loves you.
And she was like we're going tobe all right.
And in my mind I'm like nineyears old and I'm like yo, how
can you say God loves us?
(21:40):
Like we legit don't have aplace to stay and people are
going through our stuff.
Like how can you say God lovesus?
Like what do you mean Cause?
And so I'm confused at a mug,like I'm like God don't love us,
like you tripping woman, likeif that's what you need to tell
yourself to make this seem okay,like whatever.
(22:01):
And so at this point I'm heatedat my mom because I realized
that she missed her court date.
I'm heated at her friendbecause I realized it's her
fault that my mom missed hercourt date because she didn't
pick her up like she said shewas.
And I'm just a kid and I'm justgoing through the motion.
So we move into the YWCA.
My mom's drinking more becauseshe feels like a failure, she
(22:24):
feels like she let her familydown, she feel like she can't
get herself together, and so shejust drinks more and we get
kicked out of there becauseshe's coming back intoxicated.
She's leaving us there byherself, by ourself, on
Supervised, and so they're like,okay, if you're just not
walking in, where are yourchildren?
And we're in the room justwatching TV, whatever.
And so we get evicted or kickedout of that place.
(22:46):
And then we go to the SouthSide Mission and we live in the
South Side Mission and weconnect with some people and we
doing that and we get kicked outof the South Side Mission after
a bit and that's a whole ordeal.
And the same woman who forgot totake my mom, the same woman who
(23:09):
forgot to take her to the courtdate it's the same one that's
taking her out, getting herdrunk and buying all the beers
and stuff and like my mom ain'tgot no money.
And so you're doing all thisstuff and you're like you are
enabling my mom, and now she'slike not even going to get her
Not able to function right.
And so I'm at it, my mom, I'mat it, my mom's friends, I'm at
(23:33):
it everybody.
You know what I'm saying.
So we get kicked out of thereand we are like sleeping on
people's porches.
We're asking family members andfriends if we can stay one
night, two nights, with them,and this whole time my brother
and I were going to school andwe're not knowing where we're
going to be sleeping at thatnight.
You know what I'm saying.
And so it was like this went onfor literally a year and a half.
(23:55):
And then finally we move inwith my aunt and her kids and my
mom has a bedroom and all threeof us are standing in that
bedroom, and then her kids gotthe other bedrooms and then she
has a bedroom and we're verygrateful you know what I'm
saying Kicking it with thecousins, you know, living a life
(24:15):
, playing the game, watchingmovies, whatever it is, you know
.
And so we're not homeless perse, but we live with a family
member.
So that's why I said, afterthat a year and a half mark, we
were no longer homeless becausewe were living with family.
But it was rough and right whenwe moved in with our family.
And so I said in my narrativethat I was I'm trying to find my
(24:44):
spot my bad.
And then, also in the narrative, I said I was molested at the
age of 11 by two older girlsthat lived in the apartment
building and babysit at sometime.
And so the thing with that waslike like this is not a lie.
(25:04):
I didn't know that I had beenmolested until, like in college,
when I start learning that,okay, what happened to me was
not okay, because they were wayolder than me and I was like a
(25:29):
kid, kid, and they were like 19,20 ish, you know, maybe an 18,
you know, and I'm just, you know, because of the environment
that I was in, I grew up aroundsome cousins that you know.
Hey, they had ladies.
(25:50):
You know what I'm saying.
And so when they found out thatI had messed around with
so-and-so, they was like yo,little cubs bagging them.
And I was like, yeah, you knowwhat I'm saying, I'm bagging
them, you know.
And so for years I was braggingto friends and bragging to
(26:15):
people about this life that Iwas living, thinking that I'm
like, I'm this dude, whenactually I'm a kid being used
and taken advantage of by theseolder women and I'm bragging
about this stuff.
And this is like statutory rape, because, like, what are you
(26:35):
doing?
Like how are you bragging aboutthat?
But what you have to understandis that I was in an environment
where that was common.
You know what I'm saying.
It was common, and so I'm notsaying it was right, I'm just
saying my mind didn't know thata little boy shouldn't be
sleeping with these much, much,much, much, much older women.
(26:59):
But because I did, I kind offelt like I was grown and the
dudes around me that should havebeen protecting me and that
should have been telling me likeyo, this is messed up.
They was like yo, my man's, myman's is getting it, my cousin's
getting it, and so it was likea rite of passage instead of
like hey, you should probablyreport them.
(27:21):
You know what I'm saying.
And so instead, and so I didn'teven realize what that awakened
in me.
I didn't even realize themental damage that did to me.
I didn't even realize how, howscrewed my, my image and and
appreciation for women waswarped because of that
(27:44):
experience.
Like there were so many thingsthat happened because of that
that I didn't even understand,you know, and it was just, you
know.
It started off as something thatwas just innocent and escalated
to something that was veryawkward really fast and I just
(28:06):
kind of adapted and went with itand I was just like yo, I guess
this is what it is, you know.
And one end I kind of acceptedit because I wanted to be
accepted by the older guys thatI was, you know, hanging around,
and on the other end, I wantedthe girls to know that I had
(28:27):
experience.
You know what I'm saying.
Let's just be honest.
But it was man, it was.
It was years before I realizedlike what had happened to me was
messed up.
And so when I got married, mywife Cassandra, she wanted all
the details.
She was like I bet not find outnothing later on down the road.
(28:48):
I want to know everything nowand I was just like, look, I'm
going to tell you as much as Ican remember, because some stuff
that you really don't rememberuntil, like, something happens
and you're like, oh yeah, thatdid happen.
I'm sorry, I really didn'tremember, but that was something
that I talked about.
I talked about the experiencingthe police kicking in their
(29:09):
door in search of drugs andweapons, because these relatives
I've been known to keep thedrugs and guns there Like uh,
like I grew up around some somereal fucks, some real gangsters,
some real like drug dealers,like people I like I'm just I'm
(29:34):
not bragging because it was sodangerous, but I knew what that
life was like and I wasn'tattracted to it because I knew
how dangerous it was.
But to say the same thing, I'veseen guns, I've seen a lot of
drugs sitting on a table andI've seen a lot of stuff.
(29:56):
And so it wasn't abnormal forme to see the police chasing
cats down through the apartments.
It wasn't abnormal for me tosee cops chasing on cars and on
foot in between.
I saw that on a regular basis.
And so when our door got kickedin and we had a family member
(30:18):
stand with us and he was movingsome pretty serious weight and
he was strapped and the policekicked our door in looking for
his supply and drugs and stuffand thankfully they didn't find
anything.
Either he hit it really well orhe had just moved it all out of
(30:38):
there, but either way theydidn't find anything.
But they destroyed ourapartment and it was bananas.
And so I experienced stuff likethat and I didn't realize all
the damage mentally that thoseexperiences were doing to me and
it was contributing tosomething that I'm going to
(31:00):
touch on later on.
And then I said he was given hisfirst gun at age nine and told
if his dad ever touches his momagain to shoot him.
Yeah, so that was interesting.
That was interesting.
And so my cousin who's probablygoing to watch or listen to
(31:25):
this podcast or episode so I'mnot going to say his name, but
my cousin, my brother, knows thestory because he was there he
gave me a little 22.
It was wrapped up in I rememberthis, like yesterday.
It was wrapped up in a whitetowel.
(31:49):
It was wrapped up in a whitetowel and he gave me some
bullets and he gave me the 22.
I'm like nine years old and hesays if your dad except he
didn't call him my daddy to callhim by his name.
He said if he ever lays handson your mom, his auntie, again,
(32:13):
I want you to shoot him.
I'm nine, I'm nine and I'm like, okay, bet, and I take the gun,
I put it in the house, hide itin my room and me and my brother
gets chased home by somebullies.
Right, and my brother man, westrategic.
(32:37):
There's no coincidence that Iended up in the military as an
officer, strategic officer.
We used to have buckets of rockswaiting at our like in specific
places that if we ever getchased by somebody, we go and we
run in, directed to our stashof rocks, and we lighten them up
(32:57):
with rocks, like we not finnafight you, we about to bust you
up.
And that was like our strategyto like not get jumped and not
get beat up.
We just throw rocks at people.
They get mad and then we runoff again until they see us at
school the next day and theywant to fight us again.
But or they just don't want tofight us no more, because they
like they crazy.
But so my brother and I, we runhome and I come outside with
(33:20):
the gun.
I'm like, what, what dosomething, do something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now I'm talking mad talk too.
And my brother he talking madtalk too.
And the kids was like yo, isthat real?
I'm like yeah, it is real.
And I cock it.
And they like yo, that jointreal.
(33:42):
And so it went from them tryingto beat us up to like yo, let
us see it.
Like, show us something likewhat up.
So here I am, a kid inelementary school with a loaded
gun showing friends willinghaving agreed to shoot my father
(34:02):
, like that's insanity.
And so I didn't even know howmuch of my mind was disturbed by
that incident.
And I was in therapy and I toldthe therapist that story and
she was like no, no, no.
(34:23):
I told my first therapist, whowas a guy.
I told him that story and hewas like yo, are you serious at
nine?
I was like yeah.
He was like do you understandthe state of mind that you were
in?
You were ready to commit murderagainst someone who you looked
(34:45):
up to and admired to some degree, and you didn't think twice
about it.
I was like, yeah, man, yeah,like I understand, like I was.
I was probably crazy, but Icouldn't comprehend it.
I just it was just survivalmode nonstop.
And so I had to go through aprocess of healing of knowing
(35:07):
like dude, like like that costsa response in your body.
That is not normal, it's notnormal.
And so after a while my mom, Ibelieve, found the gun in my
room and she called my cousin tocome get it and she had some
(35:29):
very colorful words to say tohim, but nonetheless, yo, it was
it was.
It was crazy Like she whoopedmy tail some serious when she
found out I had that joint andso so I went on to say that I
had to grow up quick to bothprotect and take care of myself,
(35:52):
my younger brother and my mom.
And so that was my life, like ata very early age I had to get
used to taking care of my momand my younger brother because
my mom, from a young age shewould start having these
(36:13):
blackout seizures where shewould be seizing and stuff and
she wouldn't remember things.
And earlier on, when it firststarted happening, my brother
and I would take advantage of itand she would have a seizure.
So we would take some oatmealpies, some zebra cakes, some
nutty bars and we would takesnacks and stuff and then she'd
be like what happened to allthese snacks.
I'm like I don't know, mom, youhad one of them episodes and
(36:34):
you might have gave it to us andforgot, I don't know.
And so as I got older Irealized this is a serious
health condition and we probablyshould try to do something
about it.
But she went to the doctors andthe doctor said she was fine
and they tried to induce theseizure and they couldn't induce
any seizures, so it waswhatever.
And then they took some CATscans and later on and said that
(36:57):
something was on her brain andthey started giving them some
medication and it didn't reallywork and they didn't have really
good health insurance, so itwas just a whole mess.
And so I grew up.
When I say taking care of myfamily, there was moments where
my mom could not do certainthings and so I had to do them.
(37:18):
There was moments where I hadto be the parent in the house.
Not that my mom was in cable,it was just like my mom was
dealing with a lot, man, andlooking back I can see it, but
in the moment I really couldn't.
I couldn't see it, man.
I was a kid, I couldn't see it,and so you know what I'm saying
(37:38):
.
I was just surviving.
And then I went on to say, inthe fifth grade my brother and I
were taken from my mom to livewith our aunt on our dad's side,
and so we wasn't really takenas much as told.
(37:59):
I don't know, it was weird.
So my dad gets out of prisonand he's in the halfway house,
and so while he's in the halfwayhouse he talks to my mom.
My mom agrees okay, they canstay with your sister, because
it's really not good for themhere.
At the time I was in fourth.
(38:22):
I had just graduated fourthgrade and I was supposed to be
in fifth grade but I hadn't beenin school because I didn't have
my shots for middle school.
So I didn't have my shotrecords and so middle school
wouldn't let me go, and so I wasjust hanging out all day while
my friends were at school andI'm just kicking it and going to
the library.
I didn't have a library card.
(38:43):
So I was like legit, stealingbooks from the library and
turning them back in, like oh, Ifound these at the park, and so
that was weird.
But in that season, something Ididn't share, it's like well,
I'll get to it.
I think I did share it in mystory.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I shared itso I'll get to that part.
(39:04):
But we were moved because oneof the things that was a
deciding factor in us beingmoving from our mom was that I
wasn't in school and she wasn'treally doing anything to like
change that.
And so my auntie, she took meto the head department, gave my
shots, got me in school andeverything, and so I'm going to
(39:26):
school up in a better schooldistrict they lived in the
Heights, so it was a nice suburbarea and we see our mom on the
weekend.
We live with her.
We call it a school during theweek and then on the weekend we
see our mom and our dad picks usup from the halfway house.
(39:48):
He gets to leave the halfwayhouse on the weekend so he come
visit with him.
We stay with our mom.
He takes us to church, so westay with our mom on Saturday
and then my dad takes us tochurch on Sunday and then he
takes us to the laundromat.
He takes us to the laundromatand then wash our clothes and
(40:12):
stuff and then wash my mom andstuff, and so we hang out as a
family somewhat on Sunday and hejumps my mom back off Sunday
evening and drops us back off athis sister's house, and that
was the whole fifth grade andsummer sixth grade.
No, no, I think it's just fifthgrade, because in the sixth
grade my mom and my dad gets outthe halfway house and he gets a
(40:36):
house for me, for us and ourmom, and then we're living there
and it's cool.
You know, it's cool and it'sthe first house I've ever lived
in.
We've never lived in a house,we've only lived in projects
apartments, and so this was thefirst house we ever had.
It was a pretty decent housewhen we moved there, but it
turned out to be pretty crappyreally quick, and my dad ended
(41:02):
up moving back into his house,which was even worse, and so my
younger brother moved with mydad.
I stayed with my mom and thehouse that we stayed in was cool
, but it was like soun-maintained, the landlord was
crap, like really crap, and sowe had rat infestations and we
(41:23):
had roaches.
Man, we had all type of stuffgoing on in that house.
Man, I say rats because thesejoints was not my, so these was
legit rats, to the point wheremy mom she would hear them in
the wall and she would like no,I'm sleeping in the living room
on the couch and then I would bein my room and they wouldn't be
in my area.
They'd be put back towards theback of the house, which is why
(41:45):
my mom wouldn't go to her roombecause her room was adjacent to
the back of the house and soshe shared a wall with the back
of the house so she could hearall the activity and stuff and
it was bad.
So we moved through that andeventually my mom, my dad, house
(42:06):
gets condemned and he tears itdown Like legit, a raccoon falls
through the roof or somethingcrazy like that.
Because it was like tarp on theroof, like a raccoon or
something falls through the roofand it's like running through
the kitchen.
And my brother was telling methe story and I was just like yo
for real, like y'all, look atshit had like a raccoon running
around the kitchen.
He was like yeah, it was crazyand it was just wild and they
(42:30):
had roaches and rats and stuff.
It was just really really badchildhood, but we enjoyed the
parts that we could.
Then I went on in my story man,and I shared that by the time I
was in high school I was workingthree jobs, I was partying
every weekend and spending asmuch as little time as home as
(42:54):
possible to escape my home life.
My home life was wack, so I,just I escaped through working.
I had a paper route in themorning and then, after my paper
route I would go to school.
And then I was, um, had a workprogram from school where I
could leave school early and gowork downtown at this law firm
as like a messenger boy, uh,carrying um parcels in between
(43:18):
law offices in different places.
And so, um, I did that.
And then, by my junior year, Istarted working at a warehouse.
No, I think it was my senioryear.
My senior year I was working ata warehouse as well, from 6pm
to 6am, and so that joint wascrazy.
Yo and um, it got to the pointand I shared this in another
(43:41):
story.
It got to the point in anotherpodcast, um, but it got to the
point where I was exhausted andmy body collapsed and, yeah, it
was bad.
It was bad.
But, um, I was in threeshootouts and suffered from my
PTSD before the age of 18.
And people was like man, you inshootouts.
(44:02):
So the first shootout, none ofthem were my fault, I was just
in the wrong place at the wrongtime, like legit I'm not, like
I'm not really hard, like thatI'm not.
I'm not about that life likefor real, for real.
But the very first shootout thatI experienced, I was playing on
the playground.
Actually I was supposed to bein school, but I couldn't go to
(44:23):
school because then they had myshots.
And I was playing on theplayground and there was this
crackhead who was trying tosteal drugs from this drug
dealer and he was trying to.
The drug dealer was servingthem and the crackhead didn't
have no money and so he tried torip them off and so he took the
stuff and he ran and my man'sput out the gun and I'm not
(44:44):
thinking, I'm like 19 years oldand so I run into the tunnel and
my man starts shooting at thedude who cuts through the
playground.
He and one of the bullets flythrough the tunnel.
I'm like it hits one, bust theplastic off one side and exit
(45:10):
the plastic off the other side,creating bullet holes in the
tunnel.
And I'm there shaking and Ipeeked my head out and I like
for a while I couldn't move.
It felt like forever, but itwas like five, 10 minutes, like
I was hyperventilating, Icouldn't move.
I was probably having a panicattack or anxiety attack or
(45:32):
something, because I it feltlike my heart was going to bust
out of my chest when that bulletjust says shoo.
And I peeked my head out andthe dude was chased, had chased
him, had shot him and left himthere and police was coming and
people was.
(45:52):
It was crazy.
Somebody took his shoes.
It was crazy.
So I'm looking at this dude'sdead body and I'm thinking to
myself it's like a 10 year oldand I'm like yo, I could be just
as dead as that guy, that guyright there, and in my mind I'm
thinking this would never hadhappened if I was in school.
(46:15):
And so I instantly got upsetwith my mom, like she needs to
get me in school, like if Icould do it myself I would, but
I can't, I'm 10.
And so I was heated, bro.
But hey, you know, that was thefirst shoot out.
The second one was at my highschool.
(46:38):
And so my high school, therewas a guy who brought a gun to
school, start shooting and wewere running and bullets was
literally flying over my head asI was going down the steps.
They were flying over me,hitting a wall in front of me
and I'm freaking out.
The dude was the most horribleshot I've ever seen in my life
and I praise God for it.
The dude cannot shoot to savehis life and I think God, all
(47:01):
the rounds he shot didn't hitanyone and it was pandemonium up
in that joint and I wasfreaking out and he didn't hit
nothing and I was like thank God, this guy couldn't shoot.
So that was one of theshootouts that I was in.
And then the third shootout thatI was in, it was a mistaken
(47:24):
identity.
Somebody thought that me and mycousins were someone else.
We were at a gas station.
They pulled up on us.
They thought we were someoneelse.
They started letting da, da, da, da, da da da and we freaking
out.
So we running, hiding, tryingnot to get shot, and come to
(47:45):
find out they were beefing withsome people that we were cool
with.
We didn't necessarily run withthem, but they were beefing with
some people that we were coolwith and so they thought we were
like a part of their crew orwhatever.
And it was just.
It was a mistake and identitystuff.
We threw parties.
They was at our parties, we wascool with them.
(48:06):
It was crazy.
So after that shootout I waslike yo, I'm going to college,
no lie, I am getting out of thisjoint for real.
And so, after being so close todeath so many times, I began to
be very jumpy, very paranoid,and it was.
(48:31):
I didn't learn till later, whenI was in the military and
someone was diagnosed with mildPTSD and the provider or the
psychologist or whoever wassharing with us the signs and
(48:51):
the symptoms of someone who hasmild PTSD, and I'm like yo, I
had that just growing up.
And that's when I realized, yo,I grew up because of my
environment, because of what Iwas exposed to, with mild PTSD
it was bad.
It wasn't until I got tocollege, till I got some real
security and safety in my life,that that kind of went away and
(49:14):
I was able to regulate my bodyresponse and my emotions, and so
that was a real deal for me forreal, for real.
And so, yeah, so, yeah, so thisis getting pretty long, but I
hope you enjoy this.
This is going to be a reallylong episode, but I really
(49:36):
wanted to walk through this sothat people understand, and so
by the so.
So actually, let me just wrapup this episode here.
I will wrap this up.
Part two.
This is I've been going on fora while.
Part two about so I've talkedto you from my childhood all the
(49:58):
way up to high school, and sopart two, I'm going to talk
about college until now.
And so, yeah, so that's, that'smy childhood, and I had to do
the work to in that air in thoseareas, because what you have to
(50:21):
understand is all of that thatI had endured, went through and
experienced, most of it no faultof my own.
I brought those experiences, Ibrought that baggage and I
brought that damage into myrelationship with my wife you
know what I'm saying and withany in all girls, honestly and
(50:45):
actually.
But but God is a God ofrestoration and transformation,
and so next time I'm going toshare with you what happened in
my college years and how now I'mbetter than I've ever been
before.
Thank you for for tuning in.
Until next time we're going todo part two.
(51:05):
All right, peace.
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